Dear Chump Lady,
So here is my story:
- 20 years married, two almost adult kids
- Husband emotionally abusive, alcoholic NPD
- Demanded sex once every day, then twice, then wanted 6 hours on the weekend and then complained because I wasn’t “passionate enough”
- When I went back to school the drinking increased and the resentment (less ego kibbles and attention). Drinking escalated to a DUI that he blamed me for… HUH?
4 weeks ago
Final straw.. after having been yelled at while I was trying to sleep, the next morning I got a text from his affair that had started back in June. In July I had had some recurrent vaginal infections, No STD but amazingly they went away after he had no more access to the skank. I NEVER get infections.
That day I went and saw an attorney. I have some rights. YEAH! I am in shock but feel some control.
We have it out, he cries and apologizes, thought it was over between us when he had the affair because I was so passionless and distant (I went to school).
3 weeks ago
- I am feeling guilty, about my contribution to our dysfunctional codependent relationship
- I see a therapist who advises me to suggest a 3 month “truce” with conditions. My guilt feels consoled and I write up a truce with conditions…
2 weeks ago
- So far he is holding up his end of the bargain, no drinking, no outright abuse, but walking around with a sour expression on his face.
- Tells me I shouldn’t go to the company annual party because he is going to be drinking there and won’t be dictated to
- Continues to blame me for everything in the marriage. Zero personal responsibility.
1 week ago
I find Chumplady.com LIGHTBULBS FLASH EVERY WHERE.
I realize I am an idiot. I deserve better than this. I didn’t cheat. I wasn’t abusive. I have no income, he has income, and my attorneys have advised me not to leave the home as my teens need stability. 80 percent of the crap in the house is his and now I have this STUPID truce and wish I had stuck to my guns! STILL stuck with him in the house. Now if I throw papers at him I am going to feel like I lied to him about the truce.
These gypsies came to my door and wanted to repave my driveway. They said they needed $2,000 for supplies. So I gave them $2,000. We signed a contract. They show up last Thursday to pave my driveway, but with no supplies. I’m like “Gypsies! Hey, WTF?!” They’re like, oh, we need another $2,000. I’m like “But I gave you $2,000.” They’re like “shit happens and we’re really going to pave your driveway, but we need money. Are you stupid? Don’t you know tar costs MONEY?” Now I don’t want to hire these gypsies. I think they’re bad people. But they won’t get out of my driveway. And I feel guilty, like I should keep working with them because, you know, we have a signed contract.
Uh, Feeling — your truce doesn’t mean shit. If you want to serve him divorce papers, go right ahead. He broke the terms of the contract — your marriage — not you. You are not obliged to stay in an abusive relationship. He also broke the terms of your truce, if by truce you mean he quits drinking and quits being an abusive dickhead. You just wrote that he intends to go to a holiday party without you so he can drink. (Gee, don’t you want to be the marriage police AND the booze police?) Continuing to blame you for everything IS emotional abuse. So he’s a loser on both counts.
There is NOTHING here to feel bad about. Get unstuck soonest! If you’re married, half of his income is your income. Whatever was purchased while you were married, half of that is yours. Do what your lawyers advise to get out of this marriage safely and legally. But he has a DUI, I would think you could convince a judge you had to leave.
Please, please, please don’t feel guilty. If he’s a drinker, have you tried Al Anon? This whole cycle of not leaving because you feel responsible for them is common with chumps and codependents of addicts. (I’m sure there’s a lot of overlap in our ven diagrams.) He’s not your responsibility. YOU are your responsibility — you and your kids. Time to emancipate yourself.
Looking over that list — when did you feel the best? When did you write YEA!? When you stood up for yourself and saw a lawyer. Encourage that woman. Feed her. Quit feeding him.
You don’t have a contract, or a truce. You have a mean drunk who won’t even take his wife to a Christmas party. He can’t even sustain two weeks of “good” behavior. What do you think the rest of your life is going to look like? Please go. And don’t look back.