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Grieving the Affair Partner… And Other Indignities

cakeWell, Chris asked for it, so chumps, how about that unholy crap about chumps being patient as their cheater “grieves” the affair partner? Ain’t that special?

What sort of quack gives license to the mope-fest that is the tragic loss of cake? “Oh, if you reconcile, you must show love and understanding to your spouse right now. He’s mourning the loss of Cindy. No more weekend fuckfests at the Motel 8. No more furtive texting on their secret phones. Alas, it’s the end of “working late” together. Listen, it was a real thing, this love predicated on deceiving you. It’s going to be an adjustment as Ray copes with the monotony of your life together. The grim resignation of monogamy… to you. The psychic pain of attending your children’s holiday choral ensembles instead of an evening spent fucking Cindy. This will take some time. You need to be there for him.”

Does this advice work in multiples, I wonder? “No, it’s a very difficult thing to grieve the loss of 17 Thai prostitutes. There are stages of grief.”

Could reconciliation look any less appealing if it requires holding your cheater’s hand through their break up?  To do this acknowledges that yes, you ARE the consolation prize. The sucky all-expense-paid trip to Detroit, without the luggage set. Plan Omega. Last choice, embraced with resignation and resentment.

Hey, chump — you better make it worth it. You better dance that “pick me” dance and dance it good. You know, to make up for the appalling injustice of life without cake. Gage your cheater’s mood each day. Do they seem happy? Did you fluff the pillows this morning? Are you eager to have sex with someone who’s imagining it with someone else? No? Well, chumps you need to fake it til you make it! Look, your cheater is HERE. That means SOMETHING doesn’t it?

It generally means they’re pissed off. Sulky. Snippy. Every bit as entitled. Somebody pulled rank! Somebody ALMOST imposed a consequence on them like divorce, can you imagine? Somebody is acting like the boss of them, and they don’t have to kiss your ass and take it.

Fine, you want cooperation? I forgot to do my therapy homework. Oops, I broke your favorite coffee mug. Did I neglect to mention those facebook messages? Can’t a person have some PRIVACY? You’re just punishing!

Okay, I’m sure there are some cheaters out there who get with the program right away and lose their taste for cake immediately and are happy about it. Haven’t heard of many. And to think there are shrinks out there encouraging this entitled nonsense tells me they don’t put much value on fidelity in marriage.

Should Bernie Madoff’s victims be asked to understand that his reduced lifestyle in prison is very hard on him? Perhaps they could bake him some cookies? Of course in this scenario, investors would be encouraged to continue some sort of relationship with the person who defrauded them. Which is ridiculous.

Unless you’re talking about infidelity. In which case, apparently, it’s perfectly acceptable. Encouraged even.



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  • Oh Yes, I remember this, and what bullshit it is. Sucks that I bought into it for a short time.

  • Yes! Yes!! YES!!! We should ALL give the cheater a chance to ‘grieve’ the loss of his AP.

    And while we’re at it…

    We should also allow thieves to mourn the loss of the money they stole when it’s taken away from them.

    We should allow drug addicts to mourn the loss of their drug ‘stash’ when they’re being forced into rehab.

    We should allow the alcoholic a chance to mourn the loss of his bottles of gin, and allow the murderer a chance to mourn the loss of his gun(s).

    I agree that there are too many therapists who ENCOURAGE the wayward partner to ‘grieve’, while admonishing the betrayed partner for ‘being too harsh’ with him/her during the ‘grieving process’.

    Unless we grab these ENTITLED AZZHOLES by the virtual throat and let them know that their pompous, conceited, arrogant, grandiose, entitled attitude is NOT acceptable within a healthy mature relationship, people will continue to cheat at epidemic proportions.

    They do NOT get to pass ‘Go’, they do NOT get to collect $200, and their get-out-of-jail-free card has been revoked. If they don’t like the “restrictions”, show them their walking papers.

    When it comes to eating cake, the betrayed partner needs to close the bakery!

    • “When it comes to eating cake, the betrayed partner needs to close the bakery!”

      And go to New Orleans!

  • Ugh. The worst mindfuck of all time. Great post once again, Tracy.
    Time for the chump to shut the cheater down by turning in the relationship card. The cheater obliterated it anyway with his/her actions of stepping out on the chump. And then cries like a baby when cake is no longer on the menu. Unbelievable! Douchebaggery at its finest. Yuck.
    Btw: just read an interesting post:

    Do all men cheat? Not the good, real men out there. Same goes for women too.

  • I got fed this shit sandwich on a platter after D-day as well. Talk about adding insult to injury. If anyone needs understanding while they grieve, it’s chumps. They actually lost something of value (or seemingly so), and something they had reason to believe was theirs forever. How about focusing on what they lost?

    This stupid saying is one of those therapy dumb-isms that should immediately disqualify any mental health professional from talking to any victim of infidelity for at least three years and until they have eaten a half dozen shit sandwiches as punishment (dog or cat turds acceptable, sprinkles optional). They’ll think twice before uttering such hurtful ignorance again.

    • Hear, hear. Any therapist who advises chumps to acknowledge the cheater’s relationship with the affair partner, and his or her need for understanding as they address that loss, should be disqualified from performing marriage counseling for couples dealing with infidelity. I’m even willing to allow that the grief work could be part of the cheater’s individual therapy (so the chump doesn’t have to help the cheater heal or endure months of moping and resentment over the cheater’s loss). But it is professionally irresponsible and emotionally cruel to suggest that the chump should try to understand how meaningful the affair relationship was to the cheater and how genuine the loss feels.

  • I’m so thankful my marriage counselor didn’t pull this crap on me. He was way too smart for this hogwash. Because I gotta tell ya, if he had, I probably would have lost it. My self-esteem was already in the toilet from the devastation of finding out about the affair.

    I can’t think of anything more soul-crushing than having to support your cheating spouse while they grieve their AP. The chump is the one who had their heart gutted with a fish knife (to quote another poster here). I feel for any chump who was put through that kind of mind-fuck.

  • Yup. I remember the sulking, the sadness after his EAP moved away with her HUSBAND to live closer to her family. I was hoping that would be the end of the “too close relationship with his coworker,” but it wasn’t. Next thing I knew she’d been promoted in his department. She became his associate director. Then they started to travel together all the time. She wasn’t in my face as much as when she lived down the road, but the EA was still going on. Unfortunately, I was too busy looking the other way, terrified of losing my family, not sure I could make it on my own.

  • My STBXW was upset when I asked her to end any and ALL contact with her fuckbuddy, Asked, Give him the NC letter, Block his number, Block him on Facebook etc etc. Her response “I can’t be that mean…” I couldn’t believe my ears. In my mind I’m thinking, “You can gut me and our family but you can’t be that mean to HIM????” Un-believable. Her true colors came out right there.

    • Sheesh! WTF??! Unbelievable how entitled she felt – so sorry you were faced with such a selfish, mean-spirited expectation Bud.

    • I am so sorry Bud . And to everyone else that experienced this bullcrap. I basically got the same line and same treatment. I was left for dead. As we all have. Nothing hurts worse–seeing who your spouse/partner really is (cheater) and them grieving so much about AP. Meanwhile the chump is reeling from all of it. Physically, mentally, and emotionally sick because of the shock to your system. What about grieving how devastated, pained, hurt your spouse feels? your kids? family? friends? your character, principles, morals erosion? Honor? None of these important things are a priority whatsoever. The hidden life is. Loss of cake is. I think the ex husband mourned more for the AP than he did for his uncle that died a few months before (he was like a father to him). I had never seen him so emotionally distraught. Ever. Yet when I told him we were through, he cried and cried, begging to work it out. I left for good after two months of living hell. Back and forth of catching him in more lies. Emotional roller coaster. It is still painful to think/write/talk about. I do not do so much anymore.
      Since we officially separated over a year ago now (July 2012), he moved in w affair partner and her three kids. We share custody of our daughter. It hurts to have my daughter exposed to this lifestyle. It hurts that he is not the man I thought I knew, loved and admired. It hurts that he demolished our family. I have come to accept it. And control what I can. Me. The kind of parent I am w my daughter. Who I allow in my life. How I live my life.
      My divorce has been finalized and moving on to gaining a life part. I am okay! Closer to meh. When you have gone through hell and have survived to tell the tale, it really is a badge of honor, dignity, strength, perseverance and such. I am proud to wear mine.

      • Actually, CL had a name for that badge… Is it the chump badge? Think I read that recently.

        • Lyn,
          My oldest boy, a middle schooler, who is aware of his fathers’ adultery just told me the other night that Dr. Seuss’s first wife commited suicide shortly after she learned of his affair. I was shocked! I used to love his work. I read that she battled cancer for a long time and he was having an affair during that. Are you kidding me? Sorry, but now I am no longer a fan of Dr. Seuss. It is amazing what your children teach you – they do have so much to say.

          • I didn’t know that Casey, but I’m sad to say nothing seems to surprise me any more. So many secret lives! I found the article about Sylvia Plath’s husband above really interesting. Seems like he was a classic narcissist, and he wreaked havoc on a lot of people’s lives with his gas lighting and manipulation. The more you listen, the more you’ll hear of people who couldn’t bear the pain of betrayal and manipulation.

          • Well that just ruined a bunch of my childhood memories. Did some quick reading and it states that he was a perfectionist.

          • My daughter did a report on Dr. Seuss a few years ago, and after a lot of research, I came upon the adultery/suicide story. Completely disgusting. I didn’t tell her but I think of it every time I hear someone Celebrating his life and work. Ughhhh, just another slimy cheater.

          • Yes, I remember the day my cheater told me he was willing to commit to our”boring” marriage, instead of the excitement of pursuing a forty something road whore whose ideal life consisted of eating sushi, going to bars catering to twentysomethings , and bitching about her job and child. How charming.

          • Yes, I remember the day my cheater told me that he was committing to our “boring” marriage instead of pursuing a forty something year old road whore whose ideal life consisted of eating sushi, going to bars catering to twentysomethings, and bitching about her job and child. How charming.

      • Just heart-breaking to know its happening to too many of us.. thanks for sharing cos it takes a lot of courage to show our wounds to the world but know what? it makes each of our pain a little bit more bear-able.. it makes it possible for some of us to get through just one more night without spending the whole time tryin to stop the crazy questions swirling in our heads.. fact is.. the truth is.. there are heartless, remorseless cheaters out there who u have lived with and slept with and had babies with without being clued on to.. u’ve been hit by a truck.. its not because of what u and i didnt do… nothing could have stopped these cheaters from taking what they believe they are entitled to.. ur tears,ur hurt, ur dreams and hopes are like nothing to him… ur well being means nothing to him.. u dont really exist as a person to him unless he wants his ego to be fed.. Truth hurts.. but once we accept this truth, it also liberates us and heals us.. I really love this quote: ““Sometimes you’re traveling a highway, the only road you’ve ever known and wham! A semi comes from nowhere and rolls right over you. Sometimes you dont wake up. But if you happen to, you know things will never be the same. Sometimes that’s not so bad. Sometimes lives intersect for no rhyme, no reason, except, perhaps, for a passing semi….” – by Ellen Hopkins

        • Cant stop writing.. of the many times i cried and pleaded with him “how about me? how about me ? how can u say u have stopped loving me .. how can u stop loving someone? why did u come after me and now how can you say u stopped loving me? etc etc I weep for the poor, frightened, bewildered me.. wailing at this stone-faced stranger who until being caught red-handed was playing at being husband and father of the Year or century.. all along acting.. its still strikes my heart when i think of the mask he wore all these years.. and then u put 2 and 2 together and come up with all those other times when he was playing around and u were so fing oblivious to the fact and busy playing the good little wifey… oh how my heart breaks from the pain and hurt and more than anything else from the anger! Breathe!

  • Just another reason why reconciliation is not an idea I will entertain.

    Not to mention the other 99 reasons.

    He’s tainted.

    The idea I’m going to have sympathy for his idiocy is crap.

    What about mourning the loss of his relationship with his kids? Of his honor? Of my companionship? He traded it all for some skanky Facebook troll who beckoned him with fakery and some humping. Nice trade there, Jack.

    Then I’m supposed to put up with his blubbering and be his Plan B?

    Nuh. No, thanks.

  • One more way to give cheaters the OK to be self-indulgent. I think the book “Surviving the Affair” suggested that your cheater might need anti-depressants to help them through this rough time. Gee, if it’s so depressing to be stuck with me and not her, choose her!! This attitude sends cheaters the message that their feelings and rights matter more than ours do!

  • If any therapist or MC suggests the chump should allow the cheater to “mourn” his affair, dump the therapist immediately!

  • Our marriage counselor after discovery said “he needs time to grieve what he has lost, too” after telling me that I needed time to grieve what I had lost, i.e.: the marriage I thought I had and the man I thought i knew. I asked her what she meant about him and she said, “he needs time to withdraw from the intensity of the feelings and relationship he had for her” and , you can’t make this stuff up, he needs “someone to hold his hand through this, and patience” I did a lot of things Wrong ( chumpy), but I told both of them that was not going to be me.

    • In some countries they used to cut the hands off those who had ommitted a crime. That’d be about the only time I’d even so much as consider holding his hand to help him through this!!!!! Even then, I know where that hand as been!

  • OMG, I am so thankful I never had to hear such BS. Ex and I went for one intro meeting with a MC at the very beginning of bogus reconciliation. The MC sat quietly listening while ex spoke for the entire 1.5 hours, detailing all of his sex with men and affairs with women. At the end, the MC recommended we NOT reconcile, and gave us our money back for the session. Man, I wish I’d paid attention.

    We went on to do the Retrouvaille program, which relies on written “dialoguing” between the partners, no formal interaction with an outside therapist. Ex used the dialoguing to manipulate and hurt me further. But at least he was smart enough not to tell me he needed to “grieve” the loss of his AP. Well, in looking back, I think they were still in contact the whole time, so he really had nothing to grieve anyway.

    Ex did tell me several times that the few months we were separated (but he was still actively seeing OW) were “so hard on him” and he “cried all the time.” Boo hoo. No he didn’t. I was living in the same house for five months after dday, and there were certainly no tears or sadness that I saw. He seemed pretty happy, in fact.

  • During a short false reconciliation, while I bowed and scraped and toadied to her unappre iative, entitled ass, my STBXW not only needed to “mourn” her fuck buddy’s loss…she also demanded that I “respect her body”, which included .minimal intimacy, no touching or kissing…seems she felt the need to “restore her chastity”….Crazy, disordered, self- centered mind-fucker!
    I was so desperate to save my family,I CONSOLED her, and catered to her sadness and “loss”….No wonder she went back to OM!…it sickens ME just to recall how pathetically I tried to “win” her back.
    In the end (2 years later), I realize how lucky I am that he took that hot mess over for him to deal with!
    I don’t even care if their relationship has worked out or not….I DO know that I have dodged a bullet and won’t have to bow and scrape to her for her measley scraps of affection ever again!

    • Don, if I could give you a standing ovation, I would. Especially the last line. It really is all about them, isn’t it? Just know that there are good women out there who would never even think of acting like your ex did.

      • Thanks KT!
        Took me a while to rebuild my self esteem and personal worth! (See “horrific anecdote” I shared with Arnold below). I was lost for a long time in her thick fog of blameshifting, gaslighting and emotional codependancy.

    • There is just something very familiar about this , Don.
      My XW , also, seemd attracted to wird concepts like your wife, withthe “restoring her chastity ” deal and “respecting her body” thing.
      My XW would use inane, vague constructs like that, too. She indicated that in her affairs “the Chemistry became sexualized” but that she had never crossed the line intro blowing or fucking. This was after I discovered her journal writings where she was trying to quite “having sex with strangers”.
      I do not know if guy cheaters do this ,as well. They may. But I have heard about a lot of women cheaters who use this type of weird, new agish sounding but meaningless drivel/lingo.
      I try to figure it out. I know that some women just cannot admit that they like to fuck and that they were chasing stange dick. Even some of the stuff out there on this infidelity business mentions this dumb concept that women are seeking something other than sex when they cheat(then why are they fucking these guys, then?).
      so, I think some of these women cheaters try to make it sound as if there is something more evolved or spiritual or something about their taking dick in various orificies.
      Boggles my mind. My Xw is fucking a bunch of stangers, doing God knows what, and yet she is a “cerified spiritual counselor” at an upscale CD treatment facility. She is so fucking evolved, sensitive, in need of connection etc, yet she lies, blows a bunch of strange guys(not very well, probably, from what I recall), and then heads off to advise her clients on their “spiritual needs.”
      Okay, I know they do some whacked out stuff and are , often, idiots. Biut, I still cannot wrap my brain around how on earth they think others will not see what complete phonies they are.
      My Xw has a bunch of drone like men(Petulie smelling, man purse carrying, beret wearing types) and groupie low functioning women (wearing peasant dresses etc) who think she is L Ron Hubbard or soemthing.

      • I need to proof read this stuff. Sorry for the typos and bad sentences. Just get too wound up.

        • You are the chosen one so you better feel lucky. A real sacrfice has been made and real tears cried. True love has been given up just for feeble little you. Now its back to the boring old life they had before exept you are watching over them and being all needy and weepy. One slip up, one question too many and they could change their mind so be afraid, very afraid. You have hit the jackpot while they are making do without the dream holiday and brand new car they were getting before. Of course they are grieving…and so should you be.

      • Arnold- they really aren’t the unique “special snowflake’s” that they think they are…really just run-of-the mill wingnuts who try to convince themselves otherwise.
        I’m sure that mine thought she could bullshit talk her way into believing (and expect others to believe) that she had been part of some noble, magical, sacred experience….because she couldn’t respect herself for the fact that she had simply and selfishly banged a coworker while her devoted and faithful husband was unaware and trusting.
        Here’s a horrific anecdote….she had tummy tuck, and breast lift surgery DURING the affair period. Asked me to change her bloody dressings, wash nasty undergarments and perform all nursing duties until she was well enough to resume sexual activity. At which point she went back to screwing OM (unbeknownst to me at the time).
        Told me for weeks she was “still tender and healing”, so I would have wait!
        Incredible selfishness, entitlement and cunning! In hindsight, I see how deliberate and uncaring she was about it all…Fortunately Fuck Buddy is now her new nursemaid!

        • Sounds like, a some point, Don, she went blimpy pie deluxe on you and needed surgery vs getting her ass to the gym. Good thing you are rid of her. She might have eaten you out of house and home.

        • Don, that IS a horrific anecdote, what an awful, awful person she is! I’m glad your eyes are open and you’re free of her now.

      • Arnold and Don
        I am so sorry that you gentlemen have to join the chump party. However, I am super happy that you guys are able to express yourselves. Not a lot of men are able to spew the vile thoughts and feelings that are festering in them. Release of negativity will get you to “Mehville” faster than bottling it up. While this is a dominantly estrogen site who have been majorly fucked over by men, it has been therapeutic (for me anyway) to see and hear that men have been fucked over and that they CARED about their women. I know this sounds strange but it gives a little hope (not crackpipe hopium) that not all men suck. I appreciate the posts gentlemen. Godspeed to “Mehville”

      • Arnold, my ex tried to make his affairs all about him ‘missing an emotional connection’ and a whole bunch of other horseshit but you know what? I read a lot of his communication with his various fuck and sext buddies and you know what? 99% of centered around sex and only sex…and if it wasn’t sex it was inane ‘you’re so cute’ kind of stuff. So that emotional connection was via his dick and it’s the same with female cheaters.

      • “She is so fucking evolved, sensitive, in need of connection etc, yet she lies, blows a bunch of strange guys(not very well, probably, from what I recall), and then heads off to advise her clients on their “spiritual needs.'”

        Hahahahaha! Too funny, and also just a perfect snapshot of the craziness. Your ex wife sounds sadistic, and I’m so sorry. Can’t even imagine the challenge of trying to coparent with someone like her.

  • Why do they all do this? I wasn’t married to my cheater and feel awful reading stories of all the chumps here who were married to these creeps…I know I was very emotionally invested in this man and relationship and at one time believed he was the most amazing man I had ever met. He seemed so in love with me too… Only to find out he was cheating on me with his coworker…and God only knows how long…And when the truth came out…he lied said it meant nothing – he was not in contact with her…now 12 months later I find out not only was he still lying after the affair – he has chosen to be in a long distance – he is in India and she in NY – with this low life and is trying to make it work…I don’t get it… Is the sex that good? She didn’t spend half the time I did with him. She didn’t do anything remotely close to what I did for him – and he chose to be with her even knowing how much he hurt me!!!!! It sucks – it is a total mindfuck and I truly just hope that he gets his in the end- this has caused me sooooo much misery over too under achieving pieces of crap!

    • It’s the chase after the ‘forbidden goods’. It tells you about their lack of character.

      • Lack of character for sure! But the way it struck me was complete & unbelievable immaturity! How unattractive and unmanly to get his thrills through betrayal, lies and secrets with another woman. Totally juvenile.

    • GTGB,

      This is my story exactly. Thanks for sharing! I often feel I can’t share on CL because I wasn’t married to the assclown. He lied and told me that he was no longer speaking to the OW, yet I found out 5 months later that not only was he still talking, he visited her in France (from the US) just 3 months post-Dday, while I was reeling in pain. I know now that the lies were necessary to keep us as “safety nets” in case the new relationship did not pan as they expected. But I realize now that both of us were focused on the same person in the relationship–HIM! Lesson Learned…Never again!

  • “Oh, if you reconcile, you must show love and understanding to your spouse right now. He’s mourning the loss of Cindy. No more weekend fuckfests at the Motel 8. No more furtive texting on their secret phones. Alas, it’s the end of “working late” together”. LOL.. really needed to read this.. after being put throughthe grinder when the OW mistakenly sent her selfie to my phone instead of the cheater today.. and i forwarded the same to the OW’s husband… was put through the grinder cos “you are out to destroy everyone!!!”…. The OW’s poor sucker of a husband was trying to convince me how his wife is “just friends” with the cheater.. God… how self delusional .. i tore through the cheater while the chump husband and OW went to church after she said the cheater was “harassing her”… Oh the irony of all of this… I’m so angry i can’t get over it.. i want to hurt them both so bad its insane.. but i know that this is taking me nowhere.. i’m doing so well at work but distractions like this will derail me.. gotta keep the focus.. get the cheater out of my life .. to hell with OW and her delusional devoted husband … i have to get off this crazy shit .. i fell today majorly, literally cracked but i have picked myself up and dusted myself off from this shit dust and is getting on with my life.. like right now.. its back to square one yes after having made considerable progress but hey i will just start again, one step at a time and i will get to the end of this tunnel.. thanks ChumpLady for every single blog on this site…. when i lose all hope i come over here and read all that no-nonsense stuff and i feel i can breathe again cos i see so much of truth in your writing.. there no BS wrapped up .. just plain hard truth which we chumps need so badly…

  • **LOL again.. the irony of it all… her name is Candy (as against Cindy).. it was room #121 in a seedy joint Vs. Motel 8 and fast and furious texting via whatsapp and hidden SMSs in their androids’ NQValuts… too uncanny that CL zeroed in on these “similarities” or is it that all Cheaters are cut from the same cloth so that their MO remains the same shit over and over again !!

    • Oh Anita…

      Big (((((Hugs)))). My name starts with T. Her name started with T, and asshole texted a mutual friend of ours with a name that started with T by accident. Text read – “I love you and can’t wait to be with you again”

      He and I never ever texted, not once in all the years we were together.

      Good times……

    • OMG… sometimes Karma bites..without delay and how!! the OW sent me along with her selfie a pic of a love note apparently written by her delusional husband which goes something like “i love ur smile, i love ur cooking, ur playfulness, ur touch, u fing care and above all miss the privilege of spending every fing second of my life with u.. barf!! (OOps ..sorry this is gettin a bit abrupt cos its tedious to replicate this foolish litany) etc etc.. but guess what… Cheater WANTED to see it… INSISTED ON seeing it and guess what.. i SHOWED IT to him… since then Cheater has become comatose .. he seems totally dazed and stumped and moping around like Romeo (albeit a 51 year old) for his 24 year old Juliet (who seems to be riding off into the sunset albeit very much alive with her dud of a husband).. Take that! Been playing Justin Timberlake’s “What goes around, goes around, goes around… Comes all the way back arrrrrrround”!!!! 🙂

  • The amount of texting these folks do is mind boggling, too. How fucking old are these folks?

    • At the start of ex’s main affair, he was actually employed in a real, successful, responsible position. Towards the end, he was barely making any money, because instead of focusing on sales, he was sending hundreds of texts each day to AP, and meeting her for fucking and threesomes.

      Once I started the ball rolling for divorce, he immediately filed for stress leave, claiming that my divorcing him made him so stressed, he could not work. His employer (huge company) didn’t agree, and did not approve stress leave. Ex then quit, and announced he was becoming an actor.

      Sorry, started rambling there. Not my first time, either!

      • Just curious, Glad. Where the fuck did this guy come from? How did you ever meet such a person? This was the guy that was banging and being banged by a lot of guys, right? How did his body hold up to that kind of pounding?

        • Arnold, we actually met at work. Ironically enough, we both worked at a medical lab that specialized in HIV/STD testing. We were only in our early 20s back then. Now I see the tons of red flags that showed even back then, but I was kind of a late bloomer, and really knew nothing about guys, dating and relationships.

          He seemed more sane back then, although obsessed with being the center of attention at all times. He was fun and kind and good at being romantic. Of course, he also dumped me the morning after our first intimate encounter, the first of many times he dumped me, but then came back wanting to get back together. And I took him back every time.

          Yeah, he’s the guy who admitted to hundreds of encounters with other guys during our marriage, so I assume the truth is probably closer to 1,000. God only knows how he handled it all. He’s a freak. I think it must have been divine intervention that he never gave me any sort of disease during all those years.

  • Okay, a bit off subject but… I have to thrown in that my MC is the one that asked liar cheater if he could ever forgive me? I guess for being mad about his affair.

    On a side note, the MC’s son overdosed on drugs and died. He was only in his twenties. But since MC knew dick wad was a cop and his son was previously at the jail on drug charges, plenty of the conversation was about helping son in jail. Yeah, MC did not go very well for me. I wonder if MC accepted any responsibility for his son’s death? After all, aren’t we all in some way told that we need to take responsibility for issues in our own families.
    I am in no way bashing the MC, it was horribly sad and a tragic ending to a young life but just thought it was interesting.
    Oh, and of course since dick wad was such an upstanding guy (giggle giggle) he did call MC and offer his condolences from both me and him. His deaths was months after we stopped going. Got to keep up that image!

  • Oooooh, it’s just PAINFUL beyond words to remember how I went along with this ‘withdrawal’ from his mistress that lasted 4 agonizing months (we had moved to another state to try to get a new start). I had no ChumpLady! You had no blog yet, and I did the best I could to cope and make sense of the crazy!
    This is how he handled it- world class champion moping, getting up and downing a glass of Jim Beam for breakfast, watching porn a couple of hours a day, leaving the house alone to walk around the park and talk to filthy AP on the phone, listening to music all day, and never doing a single productive thing.
    I was trying to keep busy applying for jobs, working on the house (we were supposed to be preparing it for sale), and the usual cooking/cleaning/feeding his friends.
    It was an absolute train wreck, we didn’t solve anything between us, because he was always thinking about her! And, it was his idea to move, but I guess he didn’t realize how much he was obsessed with her. My (not) favorite thing that happened was the day she sent him an envelope with a cutesy-wootsy letter inside, with pictures cut out of a magazine glued here and there, and a Baggie full of pills- Lortabs, Xanax and the like, to help with his anxiety!
    There were a few good times, nothing is ever ALL bad, but we finally bailed and came back home, because I got a job offer. Anyway, I can almost laugh about it now, because it was so F-ing terrible, and he felt so sorry for himself.
    Oh, and now that we split and I’m out of there, they hate each other, go figure.

  • Allowing time to “grieve” the AP actually came from OW’s husband! He told me “my wife is going to tell your husband to cut off contact, and she’s upset because they were best friends.” Like the OW’s husband felt bad that she was losing her “best friend” of a month. Unfreakingreal!

    • Even i cant get my head around it.. the OW’s husband refuses to see beyond his nose about his wife and believes that she was just friends with the Cheater.. even after knowing that they both went away for 4 days on ticket booked by the Cheater, travelled together and come back together.. i sent him the ticket confirmation which came on the cheater’s e-mail address.. guess some chumps take awhile to learn.. and they will see what they want to see and continue to eat the shite sandwich till they have their fill… God, let me be out of here like NOW!

      • Wow!! That’s just crazy! Yeah he kept telling me that she has morals and she majored in marriage therapy in college! It took everything in my body to keep me from laughing hysterically. Poor guy.

  • I think I maybe the queen of the chumps! 30 years ago I held my now xh head in my lap while he sobbed and mourned the loss of his OW I “won” the pick me dance and he came back to me after a 2 1/2 year affair. He never really showed me any real affection no gifts no handholding, only said he was sorry for the biggest mistake of his life when he wanted to have sex. Fast forward 30 years, he paid someone to find her , she has had 2 other marriages so 2 name changes and moved to 3 different states but he found her, I am now divorced moving out on DDay. He moved her into our family home 3 days after I moved my furniture out. My adult children don’t speak to their father . I wasted 42 years of my life on this turd and ate the shit sandwich my whole adult life with him. I wished I had smothered him while he cried the first time, instead of being the kind loving chump I was. I wish there had been a site like this then, I would have run away the minute I caught him the first time . My new life started a year ago and I will never look back. Keep up the good work guys, you may be strangers but I feel I know each of and every one of you by your histories and names. I read this site daily, it is like my daily dose of courage. I am proud to stand along side the greatest chumps in the world who have given me courage and strength I never knew I had .

    • Any cheater that actually cries over being busted is a complete asshole and wussie.
      What is it with these types? They always seem to be crying about shit that happens to them. I cry over sad movies etc, but crying for myself, shit, I would feel like such a wuss. Have these people no shame? Oh, Yeah, we are talking about cheaters here-never mind.

      • My ex is now crying often, because his kids hardly speak to him any more.

        It’s hard to see, because there were NO tears about being a mean and selfish father and husband for 14 years, none about having physically threatened me in a VERY scary way on three different occasions over the year. None about breaking my heart with his first affair, or about breaking up our family w/the second one. None about neglecting his kids for a year and a half.

        Now there are tears, because he’s having to deal with the consequences of his own choices.

        • Their ability to wallow in self pity is bottomless. That’s what the “grieving” really is. Mine got started on it long before he moved out. Then the meanness set in during the divorce. Eventually he will get back to the self pity and moroseness because that’s the way his father was. At that point, if I’m still around, I hope I get to be the one to tell him “Oh, you’re just like your father” He always hated that.

      • My ex used to cry to the kids over everything that happened. You know what those tears were really about? That the kids knew he was a cheater and so did everyone else. Those tears were for himself, not for me, not for the kids, not for the myriad other people impacted by his actions. Fuck these assholes who cry their little tears over their own spilt milk. Fuck the lot of ’em.

      • My ExH used to cry about the oddest things (looking back, it’s odd; at the time I thought he was sensitive…blech). Now that I’ve been de-programmed, when he cried in court last month, even the judge looked puzzled. You see, he was teary because my bringing him to court was “bad for his career” because “the kids he works with might be hurt if this information is public.”

        Never a single tear for his own two children that he hasn’t seen or talked to in almost five years (because he moved to a different country and changed his phone number). You can’t make up this kind of crazy.

    • Lyn.. U may think u r the Q of the chumps.. but know what.. Hats off to u that u had the courage to put it all behind u and move on.. I’m fighting over just 9 years of my life invested with this scum bag.. and struggling to accept i made a mistake and paying the price for it now .. In my eyes.. guess what? U are just Awesome! If u could do it – getting over being chumped and get on with life, so can I and so can & will many other chumps who are hating themselves for having been taken for a fool all these years and hating it the idea of having to give up our ‘investment” in terms of love and years with zero capital and zero returns to show for .. in fact my 9 years with the cheater have started going into negative equity.. its time to divest… like pronto! Thank You..

  • After ex “fired” 1st MC because said therapist had the audacity to tell my self-absorbed ex he needed to earn my trust back, we went to MC of ex’s choosing. During our one and only session with her my arrogant asshole ex was talking about grieving his long term affair partner. MC nodded knowingly and kept repeating “I can understand that”. I felt invisible and the moment seemed unreal. Was she really sympathizing with a man who shattered his family by having a five year affair??? Well, indeed she was. I stumbled out of her office blinded by confusion and tears. However, by the time I made it back to work the injustice of the session was clear.

    With conviction I called that fucker I had been married to for 25 years and kicked him out of our house. Mourn his slunt my ass!!!

    That MC session was priceless!

    • These MC need to give their head’s a shake. I like to ask them if they have ever been on the receiving end of infidelity. Most haven’t. Sure you don’t have to fall off a building to know it hurts, but I think once you really have fallen off a building you can truly speak to the pain. MC’s really need to get another framework for handling infidelity. As in, “So you betrayed your spouse and now you want her to be patient with you? Seriously?” A dose of reality for the cheater would be fantastic in a MC session.

      My MC said we ought to have more sex. At the time I don’t think he knew my STBX was cheating at the time but we were on a trial separation at his choosing. Surely a little experience might have clued him in that there COULD have been someone else and that suggesting sex just might have put me in a fine position for an STD, but no. And this was after our third session. Um, what the hell???

      I can’t think of a more out of date approach to infidelity than what is now typically going on in most MC situations. Truly, some chump needs to get a PhD. in Psych and start to change this approach.

      • I have yet to hear of a therapist who tells-it-like-it-is to a cheater.

        Would LOVE to hear of a therapist who actually patiently listens to the cheater’s whining, and then says something like, “You did not cheat because you’re getting older. You did not cheat because your wife doesn’t keep the house clean. You did not cheat because your ‘needs weren’t being met’ or because your job sux. You cheated because you felt ENTITLED to do so and unless and until you learn to control your ego, swallow a healthy dose of humility, and realize that you’re NOT the best thing since sliced bread and that you’re not this awesome, terrific, wonderful person like your AP tells you, you will continue to cheat and lie and hurt yourself, your family and your children.”

        If I ever heard of a therapist using words to that degree, I seriously doubt I’d be able to refrain from giving him or her a standing ovation right there in the office in front of God and my cheating partner!

      • After a few futile therapy sessions which i can’t describe because words fail me, we stopped going to marriage counseling because my husband could not articulate why he suddenly “didnt know if he wanted to be married anymore.” Seriously $1000 worth my husband saying “i don’t know” and therapist asking if maybe there was some type of lingerie that hubby wanted me to wear and advising that we should do things together to rekindle feelings. Fast forward a month after last mc session, affair exposed and now i finally know why husband had been acting as he had the past three months. I call the MC and explain the situation and he tells me “well I suspected all along that he was having an affair” Really, WTF?? did he think at any time it would have been a good idea to call husband out on bullshit and end the therapy sessions that were quite frankly emotionally abusisve.
        Fast forward, we go back to MC during false reconciliation. I am trying to piece together the last three months of my life and parse reality from all the lies I had been told and I demand answers from hubby. Therapist tells me that hubby is entitled to keep those things “private.” Again WTF??????? I also got the “let him grieve” bullshit. To this day, i wonder how much heartache the asshat MC could have saved me if he had called out the spouse on suspected adultery from the get go.

      • Even after my ex gave me an STD the MC convinced me to continue to try and save the marriage, she insisted she had counselled other couples who had saved their marriages even after such a betrayal. Sick as hell to do this to me when I was so completely wrecked and in a destroyed mental state.

  • Yeah, the MC we saw said ex had to cut off contact with OW. Then the next time I said, he hasn’t, he is still emailing/texting her. Ex gets to crying about how painful this is, it is hurting him. MC turns to me and says; “He needs time to disengage, he has a relationship with this woman, can you deal with him emailing her for a few weeks if he promises not to have any other contact?” I said “no, that’s bullshit and if he admits he’s emailing her I know he’s also calling and texting because that is the lies he tells me” and my ex says “you see? she is unreasonable and abusive”. He wanted us in MC to give him cover, to string me along, and because the MC helped him blame me for his cheating, he never stopped any of his contact with the OW.

    Important lesson for new chumps, NEVER see an MC that is dedicated to saving your marriage. If you choose to do it at all find out on the phone if they are completely unbiased, meaning they are not invested in saving the marriage, they are going to objectively listen and give an opinion about that.

    MOST important; if your cheating spouse is abusive do NOT go to MC, wish I’d known that sooner. I won’t detail it but if you read “Why Does He Do That” you will get the full info, it is right on from my experience, our MC did at one point tell my ex he should be evaluated for BPD, he raged out after we left the office and refused to see her again. Here’s a link to an explanation and excerpt from the book:

    • “I said “no, that’s bullshit and if he admits he’s emailing her I know he’s also calling and texting because that is the lies he tells me” and my ex says “you see? she is unreasonable and abusive”.
      OMG.. its not just me.. I keep hearing this a lot.. I’m the “unreasonable, abusive, egotistical bitch out to ruin him” while not a peep out of him about his own dirty behaviour (cheating, lying and gaslighting me until i “found him out” 3 times in the last 9 months, each time i was told its all over and if i wanted him, i had to stop falsely accusing him and that i needed to get my head sorted out and be a good wife to him etc etc).. nor about the morals of his OW who is still in her marriage while he’s planning a happily ever after with her… Oh no they are just these perfect human being caught in the love story of a lifetime while.. i “need to get a shrink and stop bign too much into him” the sheer ego of these wormins! So i let go.. and it hurts a little (infinitesimally still) every day and one day it will not matter anymore.. i know i will heal and be whole again and none of this shit will stick to me.. the sooner i focus on gettin to meh-land the better its for all including my daughter ..

      • Typos…
        Oh no they are just these perfect human beings caught in the love story of a lifetime while.. i “need to get a shrink and stop being too much into him” the sheer ego of these vermin! So i let go.. and it hurts a little less (infinitesimally less.. still) every day and one day it will not matter anymore.. i know i will heal and be whole again and none of this shit will stick to me.. the sooner i focus on gettin to meh-land the better its for all, including my daughter ..

  • We always used to joke in our 17 yr marriage that if the other cheats, then they’re outta here. How different the reality is when you find that your husband is having an affair with your best friend, but wants to make it worth with his wife for his family’s sake. I just wanted my husband and family back so accepted him back home after a couple of weeks away with her. God I wish I had Chump Lady’s blog back then. I remember saying to my mother in anquish, “what am I supposed to do now”? There was no manual or other friends or family that had been there before me that could give me advice. Bit like having my first child. There is just no manual available.

    When he came back home, all he did was avoid me and mope mope mope. I can still remember his sad sad face – oh boo hoo. I remember being in bed with him, with his back to me, always now, and you could have put a broom sideways and it wouldn’t have touched either of us, he was so far way on his side. Couldn’t get a hard on anyway; never sure whether it was the guilt (haha) or he’d already had sex that day.

    We moved countries after a year to get away from her (and hopefully allow him to heal and quit moping) and hopefully I could stop being the marriage police. After a couple of weeks I looked at him, still moping and said “what are you doing here, just go home” and he did, and they are still together.

    Thank you Chump Lady for your blog. It puts a lot of things into perspective and its great to hear that I was not crazy and there are other people out there that went through exactly what I did. It is comforting.

  • Boy, Tracy, this post made me wince because I believed this stupidity. Grieve, my ass. I still get upset when I think of the multitudes of books and therapists out there that give this advice. It’s plain wrong. The advice should be short and sweet. Pack your bags, divorce the cheater and move on to a life you deserve.

    • Agreed. And if (God forbid) it ever happens again; that’s exactly what I’ll be doing. No dicking around chasing Unicorns this time.

  • My first reaction after d-day was, “Get out,” and then I softened (too terrified to do anything else I guess). My “good” friends alluded to the fact that I was an idiot. My family TOLD me I was an idiot and then after discovering Chump Lady, I KNEW I was an idiot. SO glad that I took the plunge to leave, and I ultimately refused to tolerate what turned out to be a “fake” reconciliation 6 months later. Through her blog, Chump Lady has written a DEFENCE playbook for a “game” that we have all have experienced, and she has pointed out that the rules of a successful relationship (the rules we took for granted and the rules that we thought meant something) are rigged and NOT in our favour. I like Chump Lady’s playbook. Follow it and learn from it. Chump Lady, when your playbook is finally published, I WILL buy it along with several copies for future chumps!

  • This is directed to “Glad it’s Over” post-bloggette. I ALSO did the Retrovaille crap and I found my ex texting the OW hours after our third post session. Her name on his cell phone contact list was a male’s name–great fake…..Two days later I caught them red-handed.

  • When I discovered my XH’s affair I begged him to end it and he said he couldn’t just cut her off like that because she had become a “good friend’ and it wasn’t right for him to just dump her by phone etc.” So what was I ? “chopped fucking liver”?

    I could not believe I stood there and let him say that, I must have been desperate to keep him.

    When XH went to his first therapist after the affair was discovered (and I was wasting my time reconciling) he announced after the 1st session that his therapist said:

    ” Well, the affair was not irrelevant (or just for sex- like my XH kept saying) it must have MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU!” My XH kept saying that wistfully afterwards……

    After 4 sessions he announced he was cured……………..

    My XH finally walked out 2 weeks before Xmas, with no explanation whatsoever………….he cared more about her feelings about ending it (if he actually did) that he did mine……….

  • My ex did this too. He said she was “nice” and apologized to her when the affair was discovered by me. He was a real asshat.

    I think in retrospect that MC should hear the kind of impact that their “therapy” had on us. Until they know, I don’t think the advice couples receive around infidelity is likely to change. I do not know if it would make a difference or if they would defend their practice, but if we don’t say anything about these experiences to the people that practice family therapy and MC, they are unlikely to begin to question their “interventions” and methods.

    • “I think in retrospect that MC should hear the kind of impact that their “therapy” had on us.”

      The MC that we saw during – false! – reconciliation preached my understanding of how difficult it was for him to get out of the fog of his newfound love and his grieving process (idiotic, since he never ever stopped contact, he only grieved the danger to his cake supply, not even the actual end). She finally asked me in a mail why I had decided to pull the plug (on her therapy and the marriage).

      So I let her know that I found strength and much more valuable advice right here on CL, with links and excerpts. She then let me know that all that was written here was the same she preached, just in different words. Small difference of opinion…

      In hindsight I see so much clearer. Like the plant she had sent to our house for his birthday (“from my colleagues”) – after Dday I demanded he’d remove it from my house. He couldn’t, that would be impolite to her… I rest my case.

  • Chump Lady you brilliant. My STBXH tried to pull this shit on me. I refused to buy it. We went to our BS marriage counselor that told me I needed to validate him and his feelings when I said the bastard was still in contact with his AP and wasn’t doing a damn thing at home to make me feel better about ANYTHING, was basically a narcissist psychopath and a shitty person. He suggested that I was imagining things when I said he was still cheating. When I talked to him alone and told him my STBXH was physically and verbally abusive and driving us to bankruptcy AND still cheating, he said I needed to make him feel SAFE enough so he could talk about all his issues.
    I shit you not, the MFer told me some fable about how in the dark you might see something that looks like a snake, but its really a rope. Basically, no your husband isn’t an abusive manipulating cheater, you just think he is- if I wasn’t so paranoid I’d he how lovely he was. So I said to him “But sometimes it really IS a snake!” He and my ex both didn’t like that. Well that mother fucker really was a snake, the counselor is gone and I’m happy as a clam to be rid of them both!

  • These counselors can do incredible harm – the first time we went to a MC was because the EXH had finally admitted (I had started to suspect) that he had been severely sexually abused as a child for several years by a coach. I attributed his terrible behavior and abuse of me to his childhood and my horrible in-laws (who knew about the abuse and did nothing). In his private sessions, ex apparently also admitted to the MC that our whole marriage was a fraud – he’d married me to get as far as he could from his parents, and had been involved with his girlfriend for all but 2 years of our 10 year marriage.

    Our little daughter had been in the waiting room with me for one of the sessions; exH gave the MC permission to talk to me about the sessions, and the MC NEVER told me that my whole life was a lie – a joke – and that our little girl was the saddest victim of all. We went on to adopt a child after that, and my guilt over bringing a 2nd child into this mess almost killed me. And the MC knew all along. And did nothing.

    On a more encouraging note, when he did leave, I went to a different, very straight shooting counselor. He saw us separately (exH only went twice). I still see this counselor every once in a while – and after meeting with us separately, the counselor told me point blank (which I wasn’t quite ready to hear at the time) – “You don’t have a marraige. Marraiges take two people, and you are carrying 100% of this relationship. You don’t even exist as a person anymore. Where are YOUR needs, your dreams, your hurts? There can be no reconciliation. Ever.” It took a while to believe it, and even longer to live it, but how much pain would have been avoided if I (and all of you) had been given that kind of advice the FIRST TIME they cheated?

  • I’ve written about this in my few other posts, so apologies for the duplication. But for me, this was one of the most insulting and humiliating aspects of the aftermath of my husband’s affair. Our marriage counselor and my MIL (who is also a therapist) both warned me that, if I wanted to save my family, I had to recognize that my husband was going through a genuine loss, that his relationship with his affair partner might seem sordid to me but to them it was real and true, and that I would need to give him time and space to grieve that loss. My mother in law actually said these words: “He’s going to need time to grieve, and you need to respect that.” And to my enduring shame, I absolutely went along with this advice, desperate to keep my husband in the house. I was seven and a half months pregnant with our first and only baby at the time and would have done anything for a shot at the sweet little family I thought we were creating. Total chump.

    I’ve mentioned that my husband’s grieving process included him laying across our bed with our newborn infant in his arms, crying his eyes out, and whispering over and over into our baby’s ear, “I’m doing this for you, I’m doing this for you…” The worst part is that I was actually grateful for his “openness” at the time, and stayed next to them in the room, standing in quiet support as he gave tearful display to his heartbreak.

    After finding a good, strong therapist, I no longer blame myself for my husband’s affair. But there are few specific things I’m still furious at myself for doing once I learned of the affair. Having sex with my husband again is one of them– after I recovered from childbirth, we had sex a total of four times. I am disgusted with myself for doing this, probably the most soul crushing element of the pick-me dance. Another is wasting my six months of maternity leave catering to my husband’s comfort and convenience in an effort to persuade him that life with me and our baby could be rewarding enough for him to stay. And absolutely, another huge one is engaging in the incredible mindfuck of respecting his ‘right to grieve’ the loss of hotel sex with his affair partner.

    • Yeah, many of us did things in our marriages to appease these a-holes and now look back with embarrassment and shame for having done so.
      One is pretty messed up, post discovery and I’d cut yourself some slack, Rebecca, especially with a screwed up therapist and your MIL giving you all that crap advice.

      • Thanks, Arnold. I know that a lot of my self-abnegating behavior back then was driven by sincere desperation and emotional pain, but I still struggle with the depths to which I descended in my effort to keep him. I know you’re right– we aren’t our best selves when we first confront the trauma of betrayal (if that’s not too dramatic), but generally I’m a thinking, functional adult, so it’s hard to remember the humiliation I not only put up with but actively sought. Better days ahead, though. And I’m going to hold on to the thoughts in your post, so thank you.

    • Another Rebecca, my heart just breaks for you as you described that scene. Good Lord, I can envision how awful it was. My ex also sobbed and sobbed until I thought he had a brain tumor or alzheimer’s because he’d hardly shed a tear in all the years I’d known him. I also tried Pick Me Sex and it was absolutely humiliating, an image I’d like to get out of my mind forever.

      All we can do is face forward into our futures. Hopefully the awful images will get smaller and smaller in our rear view mirror as we keep traveling towards our new lives.

      • It’s such a bad mix. The open display of their heartbreak and the expectation of consolation sex… I swear that’s the closest I’ve ever felt to hopeless. I’m so sorry you had a similar experience. It was bad enough at the time, but I totally agree– I wish I could scrub those images out of my mind forever. I do not want to be that person, and the memory of what I’m capable of accepting haunts me. Hopefully you were smarter than I and didn’t wait another four years to end it. But either way, we have relief coming to us, and hopefully those moments will, as you say, recede. Standing with you on this.

  • @Another Rebecca – were we married to the same man in some alternative universe? Ugh – just Ugh.

    The day I came home from the hospital from birthing a baby, I hear him through the heat register, on the phone, sharing all the birthing details with someone…(OW).

    I called him out on it because the affair was supposedly over and he says to me, the day after I gave birth to his child, “I do love you, but I really really care about her and she’s having a hard time with all of this..” 18 years later and I remember every word.

    BTW – he’s a therapist.

    • Oh, Marcie! I can’t stand it! I don’t at all mean to suggest that any form of infidelity is more painful than others, but for me personally, the fact that it was all tied up with the pregnancy was just excruciating. Honestly, that felt like the worst part of the experience by a factor of ten. There I was dreaming away about the precious little family we were creating, and there he was texting his affair partner about hotel or office hookups and his “real life” with “the woman he loves”… her. And to think of your therapist husband sharing your childbirth with his affair partner as if that’s an emotional event she should be included in… such a betrayal.

      Stories about therapists like your husband or my MIL– who are just these entitled, screwed up NPDs– are good reminders for me, because I tend to naively assume that therapists are skilled professionals who know what they are doing.

  • I watched “Love in the age cholera” the other day on TV. The movie is set in late 19th century Spain with an upper class strict Catholic family.

    There’s this great scene where the middle aged wife of many years finds out about her husband’s OW and calls him out on it. He agrees to end the affair. Cut to the next scene – husband is sitting in a chair apparently in extreme depression and in tears – mourning over the loss of OW. He says, “I want to die” and wife calmy spits out at him, “please do. you’ll put us both out of our misery”.

  • I watched “Love in the age cholera” the other day on TV. The movie is set in late 19th century Spain with an upper class strict Catholic family.

    There’s this great scene where the middle aged wife of many years finds out about her husband’s OW and calls him out on it. He agrees to end the affair. Cut to the next scene – husband is sitting in a chair apparently in extreme depression and in tears – mourning over the loss of OW. He says, “I want to die” and wife calmly spits out at him, “please do. you’ll put us both out of our misery”.

  • For God’s sake, why do they think that the cheater should have to grieve an emotional affair in which they only known the OP for a couple of weeks and never even met?

    I know my H sure didn’t grieve losing our friendship, trust and marriage.

    I just don’t see how 22 loving years and happy marriage being destroyed can even compare to a couple of weeks.

    If it wasn’t so serious how fucked up it is, I would call it a fling.

    I think the cheater isn’t really grieving the loss of the OP but probably the loss of the fantasy they were living.

    Reality can be a bitch, the truth is no LBS should be asked to wait for the cheater to grieve, when it is the LBS who truly has something to grieve over.

  • I watched my STBX languish in sadness on the couch for days. The only time I have seen her so sad was when her grandmother died. I was overjoyed ,disgusted and sad for her all at the same time. It didn’t take them long to get back together now she just tries to keep it on the DL, so her co-workers and friends don’t find out. I ate the shit sandwich, took the high road and kept my mouth shut. I plan on laying down the cash for my divorce in Jan. It’s been a year since I left. This site has kept me going off and on for that time.
    Thank you

  • I did this briefly–sat there for HOURS and consoled my (now ex) spouse over the loss of his “best friend,” having to hear about how he felt he had died when he told her it was over. And then he criticized me the next day because I didn’t say the right things when helping him mourn the loss of his girlfriend ( I didn’t respond in the way SHE would have responded, apparently).

    Absolute insanity. I completely got sucked into his b*llsh*t about how he was making a “sacrifice” for me–sacrificing her to show how much he loved me.

    I refused to do it again when he started getting back together with her, and then tried to get me back. No way. Never ever doing that again.

  • Yes, I remember the day my cheater told me that he was committing to our “boring” marriage instead of pursuing a forty something year old road whore whose ideal life consisted of eating sushi, going to bars catering to twentysomethings, and bitching about her job and child. How charming.

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