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Dear Chump Lady, It’s my D-Day Anniversary

Tracy,

Wow. What a year. Yesterday was my D-Day anniversary. Watching her come home drunk, high, with another man all night and then watching her puke in the toilet for the next four hours is a sight and memory that no spouse should ever have to see or try to forget.

I remember that she never looked the same again. She never looked like the woman of our wedding day. This was a person that I didn’t know. Yet over the past year this is the person that she is.

I didn’t trust your advice at the start. I think newbie chumps think it’s their fault, that if they tried harder or listened better none of this would have happened. But that is just fucking tricking yourself. Cheating isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice and a reflection of character. I was in the same relationship and didn’t cheat. She choose to lie, cheat and steal and has continued on this path every day of her life over the past year.

I’m fortunate in that Karma came quick for her. She lost her daughter, her job, got used by Shrek and fucked her best friend’s abusive ex-husband. You were so right. She is a person that is chasing something she can never get and destroys everyone in her path. She isn’t capable of love. People are objects to be used and discarded. This was true evil — a borderline/sociopath with no conscious, boundaries or remorse. And she hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. I pray for the safety of her kids when this happens.

Tomorrow ironically is my court date for the No Contact order to go away. Not sure if she will be there but if she is, I will hold my head up high and know that I left a cheater and gained a life.

Thank you Tracy and Chump Nation. Not sure what I would have done without you!

Eddie (the WTF Dude)

Dear Eddie,

Hey, I’m posting your letter to help chumps who aren’t quite as far along on the journey. You’re a living example of Trust That They Suck.

Glad things are on the upswing for you — and good luck tomorrow in court. Chump Nation is rooting for you.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Eddie – I am almost a year to the day from my own d day, not quite so far along as you but I guess being pregnant at the time and having by STBX husbands baby 6 months ago has slowed my progress. I truly want to believe that he sucks – and most of the time I do – but as he is still with the skanky cow he had his affair with I sometimes feel that their success is almost validating what he did. Anyway, Eddie I hope I’m not too far behind you in reaching that zen state of ‘meh’ and chump lady, don’t ever stop! I read your posts in the uk every night as I’m going to bed – without you I really don’t know if I would have even made it this far x

    • My STBX is still seeing his ho-worker which is really hard. I did the pick me dance for so long that I still have that competitiveness inside me, but I always try and remember that what she has “won” is a flaming dog turd. And she only won because I quit the game. They can find someone new to play with.

      • As someone who would be called a “newbie” chump whose XW is still very much with her AP, it is good to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, even though I don’t think I’m anywhere near seeing it.

        • There is light…it’s just sometimes hard to see. Early on I was in touch with a casual friend who I hadn’t seen in years. He had been cheated on twice by his ex and went through a horrific divorce. Now it was five years later. He told me it was hell and for two or three years he couldn’t see that anything would get better. But then it slowly did and five years on he was happy and remarried and life was very, very good. And he said specifically that there is light at the end of the tunnel but it’s hard to see when it’s just a tiny pinpoint. But it’s there, don’t ever doubt it.

        • CW, I think a good benchmark for the tunnel lighting cerimony is one month for every year married (in a relationship), plus one year… Seems to be a good estimate.

    • Not so scared mummy, I thought, too, that that my ex’s affair was a match made in heaven and my son and I were the collateral damage. Reports from others seem to confirm this until recently. He came crawling back, telling me how horrible his life has been in the past year (I went no contact immediately after the final DDay) and admitted he made a huge mistake. I didn’t bite.

      Because you are suffering, their reality may appear amazing, but life will take over and a relationship built on deceit is a house built on sand. So many people have told me my ex will crash and burn but I had a hard time believing it because it sounded so … simple. That is, we get what we put out there. But I didn’t sit back and wait for karma to hit. Instead, I worked on giving myself what I thought I needed from him. And then when karma finally came, it was no longer relevant to me. You will get there.

      • “But I didn’t sit back and wait for karma to hit. Instead, I worked on giving myself what I thought I needed from him. And then when karma finally came, it was no longer relevant to me.”

        This is beautiful – thanks, UniquelyMe.

    • Thursday will be 3 years from my DDay. I too feel like my EX and the OW are happy and it hurts like hell. Every time I think I’ve made any progress I end up falling backwards. Like right now, they’re off on their ‘honeymoon’ as we speak while I’m struggling to make ends meet and take care of our girls. I’m waiting for karma to take them both out, but in the meantime I’m wasting MY life. I know this in theory, but am having a hard time acting upon it. I too am desperate for “meh” and hope and pray I can get there sooner than later.

  • Dear Eddie,
    This is only the second time I have been on this site but just wanted to wish you good luck tomorrow. We take and endure so much on this sick ride and I for one, would like to hear something positive about finally being able to move on. Please believe that everyone is sending you best wishes.

  • Eddie, wow you have come a long way in a relatively short amount of time…and your ex has fallen very very far. Congratulations to you. Frankly, I hope she falls even further down if that is possible, these cheaters deserve they lives they are left with after they have decimated everyone and everything around them. They are truly remorseless evil creatures.

    Hugs and best to you Eddie.

  • Tomorrow is my Dday also! What is it about the holiday season? It will two years ago. We were having a Christmas party at our home so that he could show off our house and let everyone see what a wonderful father and husband he was. His GF worked with him and canceled coming at the last minute. It was the light for me and I looked at his phone and discovered their deceit. I can honestly say that it has been the worse two years of my life but is slowly getting better.
    CL and the wonderful people here have literately help save my life. Y’all pulled me back into the light and finally got thru to me that this was not my fault and I am not to blame! This site unwound so much of the bull shit that I was reading and hearing from people. You make me feel okay that I am angry and that I probably won’t ever forgive. My goal is to reach MEH and indifference! Some days it seems very possible because of y’all.

    Thank You Thank You Thank You and CL please keep writing as you are a life saver literally!!!!

  • Eddie, Good luck tomorrow. Trust in yourself; you really do have all of the answers that you are searching for. I am 13 years out from my D-day. I did the pick me dance for 5 years. And then I said enough of this bs. I have been single 8 years, divorced for 6. It took me four plus years after the divorce was final to enter the world of dating. During those four years, I took time to process how I came to be with a man who treated me and our children badly. I also pushed myself to try new things. I embarked on a new career and made some wonderful new friends to add to my friendships of many years. And I met and fell in love with a beautiful man who treats me with respect and reciprocates! This is a long way of saying to you and the other readers quoted above that there is something wonderful awaiting you after you allow yourself to recover from the trauma of infidelity. And allow yourself to grieve for the life that you thought you would be living. I just found this forum a couple of weeks ago. How I wish it was available years ago when I was blindsided by the shock and awe, the self doubts, the feelings of guilt that I had somehow brought this upon myself and my kids. My name on this site, otos, stands for On The Other Side. I promise you will get there. Even though I am in a blessed place now, I am appreciative for this community of people who understand how traumatic is the loss of a marriage/ltr due to cheating.

    • Thank you otis, for giving the rest of us hope. I truly only want to reach a point where I am living my life in the moment and not spending negative energy hating my X or thinking about what he did with OW. I want meh desperately. I know it’s a process. It’s wonderful to hear that you are on the other side and very happy!

      • SIJ – Meh takes time. I literally spent the first two years after D-day thinking of little else besides XH and OW together. It impacted my work, my health, and my parenting. It’s hard NOT to think about it when your cheater says by every word and deed that he’s unhappy, his life is miserable, and YOU’RE the cause of it. I totally believed him.

        Then he moved out, and guess what? He was STILL unhappy. But now his kids hated him, his family, friends, and colleagues were disappointed in him, and I wasn’t there to blame and kick around like a dog.

        Meanwhile, with him gone, I was FINALLY able to recover. It took time, but it got to the point where I stopped thinking about them all the time. I enjoyed doing things MY way. I liked being the star of MY life instead of a supporting player in HIS.

        These days, 5.5 years after D-day, OW is FINALLY gone and XH is acting more and more like the guy I married. He treats me with respect. We laugh over things the kids do. We communicate with a glance as only people who have lived together for decades can. Then we say goodbye and go our separate ways.

        I’m content with the arrangement. I get his best behavior without having to worry about who he’s talking to or what he’s doing. Because I don’t care. I’m over it.

        Yes, it’s taken time. And no, it didn’t happen over night.

        But it DID happen, and in the end, we both know HE LOST – his family, his self-respect, and me.

        No, he hasn’t apologized. But he has gone from treating me like dirt to treating me like a human being again, so it’s a step in the right direction – and much healthier for our kids to see. My former in-laws still speak of each other with derision 35 years after their marriage ended, and no one with any sense would put them alone in a room together. I refuse to go that route. WAY TOO MUCH wasted energy.

        So SIJ, hang in there. It WILL get better. Take the focus of him and OW, and put it back on yourself and your interests. In time, you won’t care what he’s doing, because what YOU’RE doing is so much more interesting.

        Good luck!

        • Red, This is perfect. I love “what YOU’RE doing is so much more interesting”. SIJ, when in doubt, come to this site for a shot of understanding. Good luck!

  • Wishing you all the luck tomorrow. Are you hoping to keep the No Contact order in place, or did she put that on you? Either way, you deserve some peace.

  • I FEEL for her kids. For 30 years I attempted to clean up the garbage afflicting innocent children born to parents who never grew up and had no clue what real responsibility is. With a model like her, they are doomed to a life of dysfunctional hell unless fate intervenes in a drastic way. For that reason alone, it would be wonderful if she could find a way to rehabilitate herself and get her priorities straight. But (sigh!) it happens so seldom..and the cycle repeats itself far too often.

  • Dec. 15 will be four year anniversary of my Dday. In Feb, it will be two years since divorce finalized. When I look back over the past four years, I cannot believe how far I’ve come, and how far my ex has fallen. In a way, his cheating WAS the best thing that ever happened to our marriage, because it forced me out of that living hell and into a new life and a fresh start. I’m thinking I’ll celebrate that four year anniversary by having my new boyfriend spend the night, yeehaw!

  • Eddie, I am so happy you are in a better place.

    One thing, if the order is a mutual one it might not be a bad thing for you to ask to renew it. I recall you told us she initiated it but those orders go both ways if they are divorce court/civil orders. I am so glad you have moved beyond, I have too except for the fear he will come back and attack me. But, almost 2years from the day of the gun, I am doing good, I forgive myself, I am finding me again and I rarely think of him, when I do I pity him, he is incapable of love, what a sad way to be. We can find happy, hell, I am happier with my fire tonight and the cat curled up than I was for years living with him. Like you, I am getting my life back, the hardest part is renewing friendships and getting new ones. But now that I am ok without, it is easier, we grow, we love, we are

    • Yes Eddie please have court order to go both ways. My STBX stated how I had been calling him and sending him emails several times a day. What I had to tell the court was how that had stopped 14 months before trial but he had not stopped. It was just the first couple of months. So court order went both ways for us. I was just happy that he had to stop communicating with me. I don’t care it went for me too as I had no intention of communicating with him anyway.

    • Off topic, Dat, but wanted to thank you for going online to Ask Amy and telling that poor chump of a wife to come on over to CL. She is still spackling like crazy right now and needs some good solid advice. Amy saw the same thing we did but tried to be kind. I think kindness is not what this woman needs. She needs a wakeup call asap.

  • Eddie, I am so glad you finally came to a place where you accepted who she really is. I know fully well how painful that journey is and yet it is the only way. Here’s to a better future ahead of you. Guaranteed.

  • Dear Eddie:

    You’ve come a very long way in only a year. I echo those who’ve read your account of your XW’s behavior and gone “eww.”

    My STBX seems to want to chase women like your XW. His OW drinks too much. I’ve never seen her at any kind of social gathering where she doesn’t down at least 6 drinks, in a couple of hours. I’ve mentioned previously that prior to her affair with STBX, she’d also slept with various people in management at his company, and also had one-night stands with men she met at the local bars.

    Why would I want to compete with that?

    Similarly for you. Your XW wants to hang around men who drink too much, use drugs, and abuse their partners. You have too much integrity to sink to that level.

    Congratulations on gaining a life! May you find a woman who loves you for being you!

  • Here is the update. The NCO is still in place and in the long run this is OK. I think with the anniversary of my dday, I was just in a hurry to get this last connection to her done with. But like many of you pointed out, it protects me as well. My attorney says it the most lenient one she’s aware of. As long as I don’t go to her home or work I’m good. At a social gathering, as long as I don’t engage her I’m not in violation of the NCO. This seemed like it was going to be happening more often after she got dumped and was out hunting for her next victim, but she hooked up with her now ex best friends abusive XH. Its just too creepy for words.

    Thoughts on meh. It’s a process and not an event. I think once I realized that if even if she miraculously became the perfect spouse (not a snowballs chance in hell) she lied, cheated and stole from me. For me, that’s who she is and always will be.

    And I did gain a life. I was married October 20th, 2012 and on my “anniversary” this year, I was at a retreat for a leadership group in town. You have to be nominated and accepted into group and then you are given a nonprofit project to work on for the next year. My goal for my marriage to SW was for us to be change agents in our community. SW at this time worked for the library foundation. I was looking out the window, the sun was shining across the Columbia River, my teammates and I had just been given our project and I realized I was living my dream. That I was making a difference in our community. I now serve on a steering committee 2.2 million dollar capital campaign for a great non-profit. I’m on the ask team, the lead on the website redesign and have written a social media content marketing plan for them. The current Executive Director is 83 and I’m inline to take his place. Another nonprofit asked me to take over the ED position on an interim position while their current guy runs for Congress. I’ve started training clients (after I dropped out of Grad School to get married) I passed my NASM CPT and I’m on a couple of other community wellness initiatives in town. I am living my dream.

    Don’t go to fast chumps. Take your time, fix your picker (oh BTW CL you were right about Michelle!) and most importantly, be good to yourself. You deserve it.

  • Karma? I used to think I believed in karma, until d day. If there is such thing as karma, then why am I going through this? What did my kids and I do to deserve this crap? Is this my karma? I don’t get it ?????

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