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The Second Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest

January 31, 2014 by Chump Lady

valentineWe’re getting an early start this year, chumps. It’s time again to send me your Infidelity Valentines!

During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! Just like last year’s contest, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winner gets a “meh” travel mug. (I ship internationally! Don’t be afraid to compete!) I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day and draw some accompanying cartoons. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

To inspire you, here are last year’s winners with cartoons:

notplanBLina 

“Nice guy” was only for show
You passive aggressive asshole
The children and me
Will NOT be “plan B”
I lied, sex was only so-so

ThatGirl

Christmas come and gone
Jewelry from Tractor Supply
Can’t make this shit up

tractorjewelry

 

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Filed Under: Fun and games, Valentine's Day Tagged With: Valentine's Day 280 Comments

Previous article: Dear Chump Lady, Please explain the paralysis
Next article: Dear Chump Lady, I’m still angry

Comments

  1. Chump Lady says

    January 31, 2014 at 7:12 am

    Toes touch something odd.
    What is this strange invader?
    Her thong in my bed.

    Man of Mystery —
    The smartest guy in the room?
    Left your phone open.

    Gaslight, blameshift, lie
    Where were you last Thursday?
    Trashbags now on lawn.

    Reply
  2. nomar says

    January 31, 2014 at 8:07 am

    Inspired by my very last child support payment, made YESTERDAY, after years of payments. Child support is truly sucky when you’re writing the check to a cheater who has shacked up with a former affair partner and you KNOW the money isn’t going to the kids. But it’s fun to contemplate the pay cut looming for the cheater household budget.

    A check every month
    to subsidize their luuuuurve nest
    Chump change for cheaters.

    Your new poor life sucks
    like you in your boss’s car
    when we were married.

    Tape worms, ticks, and fleas
    only steal a little blood.
    Cheaters steal your life.

    Reply
    • Chump Lady says

      January 31, 2014 at 8:24 am

      Ooh. A parasite theme. I like it.

      Reply
    • CW says

      January 31, 2014 at 3:34 pm

      Like this one – I’ve come to calling my XW’s affair partner a parasite, whose very existence serves to try to suck out all that is good in my life.

      IT WON’T HAPPEN.

      Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      These are all great!

      Reply
    • Danabern7 says

      February 2, 2014 at 5:48 pm

      Love it!

      Reply
  3. JulieP30 says

    January 31, 2014 at 8:17 am

    I was so awful.
    But she really gets you.
    Ha! Now she has HPV too.

    Reply
  4. SeeTheLight says

    January 31, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Had a virtuous wife who cared for me,
    Jumped ship and let her drift out to sea.
    She made port in friggin’ Hanalei,
    While I’m awash in my own HPV.

    Reply
  5. nomar says

    January 31, 2014 at 8:36 am

    And some limericks:

    A cheater gave love that was fake
    Her lies made her husband’s heart break
    He heard through his pain
    Her unspoken refrain:
    “I *like*love–but I really love CAKE!”

    There once was a chump most complete
    Her true love would cheat and re-cheat.
    She found the Chumplady
    Saw how he was shady
    And kicked his dumb ass to the street.

    Reply
    • Digbert says

      January 31, 2014 at 7:06 pm

      :-) love it!

      Reply
    • Michelle says

      February 1, 2014 at 6:23 am

      Awesome!!!

      Reply
  6. DuckLinerUpper says

    January 31, 2014 at 8:39 am

    We were married, and you said “I do”
    I was happily faithful to you
    But you fucked around
    I divorced you downtown
    Guess what? Now I get to date, too

    Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:35 pm

      Laughing out Loud!

      Reply
    • Danabern7 says

      February 19, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      Love it!

      Reply
  7. Kimmy says

    January 31, 2014 at 8:52 am

    I’m happy she walked into his life
    I can say I’m no longer his wife
    She will take him for more
    as she is a whore
    Now SHE is stuck with this lowlife!

    Reply
  8. SeeTheLight says

    January 31, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Sucker punched
    I’ve regained my breath
    You lack the depth
    To make Featherweight

    Reply
  9. ReDefiningMe says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:04 am

    You were never real.
    I loved an image; an act.
    The film is over.

    You said I was “lucky” to be with you;
    That all the women saw it too.
    But the truth set me free
    Now I hope you all see
    That my heart has healed; life is brand new.

    Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:37 pm

      Love it!

      Reply
  10. DuckLinerUpper says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:12 am

    You cheated and got all your thrills
    Now damage control is your drill
    Want our kids to feel
    Like it’s ‘no big deal’
    You think I won’t tell…but I will!

    Reply
    • ChutesandLadders says

      January 31, 2014 at 6:21 pm

      Could be my story! Nice!

      Reply
    • Nat1 says

      February 1, 2014 at 3:12 pm

      Beautiful ;)

      Reply
  11. SeeTheLight says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:16 am

    Rescue me cried the whorish dame,
    Sir Stud-less on the way
    Armed with his false tales.
    The Lady of his Manor quakes
    But does not break.
    Adultery is no gutsy.

    Reply
  12. AtomicFireball says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Old guy at the bar.
    He’s an Irish band groupie!
    Thank God I left him.

    I can’t watch our daughter today.
    It’s my weekend but I need to play.
    Why can’t you see?
    I own the band’s t’s!
    Time with our child gets in my way.

    Reply
    • Chump Lady says

      January 31, 2014 at 9:19 am

      Irish band groupie at the bar paints quite the word picture. :-) What’s Gaelic for “loser”?

      Reply
      • nomar says

        January 31, 2014 at 9:25 am

        I think “Fear caillte na himeartha a luíonn le muca” works.

        Reply
        • Chump Lady says

          January 31, 2014 at 9:38 am

          Google translate please!

          Reply
          • AtomicFireball says

            January 31, 2014 at 10:18 am

            It does indeed, Nomar!

            CL – the translation (per Google) is: loser who lies with pigs

            Reply
            • Digbert says

              January 31, 2014 at 7:08 pm

              We would just call them ‘Gobshites’ :-)

              Reply
              • Jayne says

                February 1, 2014 at 12:46 pm

                gobshite is a brilliant word!

  13. Chumpdiddlyumpcious says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:29 am

    You cry for what you have lost
    Paying no mind to the real cost
    I’m almost done paying
    For your indiscriminate laying
    Now you can go get tossed

    Reply
    • Berdawn says

      January 31, 2014 at 7:08 pm

      I love this!!!!

      Reply
  14. DuckLinerUpper says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:30 am

    One day you just left, for your whore
    My guts spilling out on the floor
    Now I’m not there to clean
    Ohhh…Life’s lost it’s sheen?
    Your problem! I’m your wife no more

    Reply
  15. danette says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Once blind to your ways
    My eyes are now wide open
    I trust that you suck

    Reply
  16. Chump Lady says

    January 31, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Your soul is like a
    Fishpaste sandwich left in an
    Abandoned glovebox.

    Reply
    • Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump says

      January 31, 2014 at 11:41 am

      Ooh. It’s Margaret Atwood: “You fit me like a hook and eye. A fish hook, an open eye.” (Let me make it clear again that is Margaret Atwood, not me. If that were me, I would sitting pretty on book deals in Canada.)

      Reply
  17. TimeHeals says

    January 31, 2014 at 10:37 am

    May your life be long
    At a great distance from mine
    Separate, silent.

    Reply
  18. DuckLinerUpper says

    January 31, 2014 at 10:48 am

    He thought he perfected his tricks
    But cell tracking exposed him real quick
    His 2 am fuck
    Means he’s all out of luck
    I’m done GPS-ing his dick

    This is way too much fun!

    Reply
    • PattyToo says

      January 31, 2014 at 12:14 pm

      And you are really good at it! LMAO!

      Reply
    • Digbert says

      January 31, 2014 at 7:09 pm

      funny

      Reply
      • ColdTurkey says

        January 31, 2014 at 10:06 pm

        Wow … some amazing talent on this forum!

        Reply
    • AmyLou says

      February 3, 2014 at 9:18 am

      This is great!!

      Reply
  19. TheSnootyCow says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Should have said I don’t
    You told me that fateful day
    So why are we here

    Reply
  20. BarristerBelle says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Leave! “Can’t. I’m busy”
    In-laws bring truck; rough ride home…
    Clothes litter highway.

    Reply
    • NorthernLight says

      January 31, 2014 at 10:24 pm

      This one cracked me up!

      Reply
  21. redless says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:20 am

    My hubby 20 years, what a dick
    Gaslighted me till I’s sick
    Couldn’t control his linguica
    With a girl named “Theresa”
    Now a Nick and Rick, what a prick!

    Reply
  22. Jordan says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:34 am

    I was blissfully wrapped in your trance
    But then found your mistress from France
    Can’t decide between us, you say?
    Group sex makes for a better lay?
    So I cut out the crotches in your pants

    Reply
  23. TheSnootyCow says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:39 am

    Married your mistress
    Did you cheat on her as well?
    Divorce Number Two

    Reply
    • Danabern7 says

      February 2, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      Love it!

      Reply
  24. Angie says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:39 am

    I couldn’t survive if you went away,
    so I spackled, suffered and stayed.
    Then you fucked a ho-worker,
    Cause I wouldn’t act like your hooker.
    And surprise! I found my backbone – Hooray!

    The divorce is now finally done.
    I am free to be me and have fun!
    Heard your first whore has bailed,
    And the hook-ups have failed –
    I just smile as I bask in the sun.

    Reply
    • DuckLinerUpper says

      January 31, 2014 at 12:01 pm

      Love these!

      Reply
    • dani says

      January 31, 2014 at 12:25 pm

      Oh Angie… these are perfection!

      Reply
  25. Psyche says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:47 am

    You huff and you puff and you bluff:
    I’m so weak and you are so tough.
    Well, I’ve seen the light,
    and am doing what’s right.
    Your abuse finally wasn’t enough.

    Reply
    • Psyche says

      January 31, 2014 at 11:48 am

      edited to add: “weak” in quotation marks to clarify that’s only part of the bluff

      Reply
  26. Mehphista says

    January 31, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    Being caught, Mr Fab and the Downgrade,
    The trauma and terror were downplayed
    The things that they did
    Have persuaded his kid
    They are truly matched shits of the same shade

    Reply
    • DuckLinerUpper says

      January 31, 2014 at 12:08 pm

      Matching glittery turds lol

      Reply
  27. Angie says

    January 31, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    The ink on the divorce papers is dry, barely
    The questions start, “Do you miss being married?
    With no sex in the night,
    is the “frustration real high”
    Nope! Just need to hit 5th gear on my Harley.

    Reply
    • Angie says

      January 31, 2014 at 1:05 pm

      And yes, I do have a Harley. :-) by the time I hit 5th gear, who needs a man? lol

      Reply
      • Mehphista says

        January 31, 2014 at 8:46 pm

        Always wanted a motorbike….wanna start a Chump Chapter?

        Reply
      • kb says

        February 2, 2014 at 11:04 am

        My older sister says that just plain old bicycles do this for her. She said this around my mom, who remarked that she felt somehow cheated!

        Maybe the Harley is the better option!

        Reply
        • Angie says

          February 3, 2014 at 8:37 am

          Any motorcycle has good vibrations, if you will. Just something about a Harley. Its freedom, its fun, you can ride when you want, where you want, for as long as you want, as fast or slow as you want – and when you’re done you park it and get off. ;-)

          Reply
  28. Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump says

    January 31, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    Limerick: A Hate Song
    I worried when you cheated, you gave me an STD
    So I ran to the gyno at a high rate of speed.
    I checked out clean
    And divorced you mean
    Now I am working on my PhD.

    Limerick: A Hate Song II
    You left me alone to take care of your house
    Even though I was not deeded, I was just your damn spouse.
    While repairing your plumbing
    I saw something in the crawl space a-running
    And it was an effing mouse.

    I admit that I was not afraid
    It was another float in this fucked up parade.
    There was food in your suitcase
    As well as left over toothpaste
    You always treated me like a maid.

    When you walked out, you left dishes in the sink
    An uncleaned bathroom with a mucous crusted counter nearly put me over the brink.
    Your beard clippings on the commode
    And a septic tank about to explode
    Your hoarding requires a shrink.

    I hauled all your shit to the attic and the rest in that basement den
    Apparently I was married to a cheating bastard who wasn’t even housebroken.
    As for the mouse
    I brought a cat in the house
    I knew when I left, you would need a friend,

    Who understood all your “nocturnal” needs
    And overlook your disgusting misdeeds
    You can this mouse Gus
    Because your just a cuss
    Who never cuts grass or pulls weeds.

    I will admit I was sad the day I had to go
    It was not long before the neighbors said you moved in with your trusty hoe
    I left that house spotless
    Because in a matter of time your mess
    Would sooner your ass show.

    I sleep in on weekends now with one less toilet to scrub
    I soak most weeknights with a book in the tub
    She married a cheat
    Who was not neat
    One day she will join the Chump club.

    Reply
    • Chump Lady says

      January 31, 2014 at 12:44 pm

      Vent on with your bad self!

      Reply
      • Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump says

        February 1, 2014 at 11:45 am

        Yeah. I’m still pretty hot about him walking out and leaving dirty dishes in the sink. He could have at least loaded the dishwasher.

        Reply
        • kb says

          February 1, 2014 at 3:11 pm

          Where’s the “Like” button? LMAO!

          Reply
    • Anonymous this time says

      January 31, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      love the last one :)

      Reply
    • Danabern7 says

      February 2, 2014 at 5:53 pm

      Like

      Reply
  29. GladIt'sOver says

    January 31, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    DDay was two weeks before Christmas. On Christmas morning, ex handed me some unwrapped “gifts” that he had apparently purchased the night before at the local Rite-Aid.

    My gift from drugstore —
    Leopard print bedroom slippers.
    I hate leopard print.

    I had NEVER ONCE worn animal print during our 20 years together, totally not my look. He also handed me two pink, cheap washcloths and a child’s wool winter beanie. Freak.

    Reply
    • DuckLinerUpper says

      January 31, 2014 at 1:04 pm

      Washcloths and a beanie?! Ugggh.

      Reply
      • Nat1 says

        February 1, 2014 at 3:20 pm

        Regift!

        Reply
    • Regina says

      February 7, 2014 at 9:32 am

      Probably a gift for you was a second thought after picking up his Penicillin & Viagra! Send them back to him next year, but wipe your ass with them first!

      Reply
  30. Susan14 says

    January 31, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    It would be hard to pick a winner and it’s only day 1!! Good luck CL!!

    Reply
    • Chump Lady says

      January 31, 2014 at 7:20 pm

      I know! This is going to be TOUGH!

      Reply
  31. PattyToo says

    January 31, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Married life that was full of abuse
    Why leave when I was of such ‘use’
    You got dragged to the Judge
    I’m no longer your drudge
    It’s time for this girl to cut loose!

    Reply
    • ChutesandLadders says

      January 31, 2014 at 6:31 pm

      Bravo!

      Reply
    • Berdawn says

      January 31, 2014 at 7:11 pm

      Fabulous!

      Reply
  32. GladIt'sOver says

    January 31, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    You claimed the fault belonged to me
    That you never reached your destiny
    Now you look like a boob
    Dancing in videos on YouTube
    You’ve become a homeless yeti

    Reply
    • Lyn says

      February 1, 2014 at 5:55 pm

      Ha ha ha! Love it!

      Reply
  33. DuckLinerUpper says

    January 31, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    He’s trying to clean up his mess
    Feigning ‘sorry’ to me and the press
    Despite his theme song
    His odds are quite long
    Karma never forgets an address

    Reply
    • Little Mighty Me says

      January 31, 2014 at 5:04 pm

      I LOVE this one!

      Reply
  34. Daffram says

    January 31, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    There was a chump whose wife he didn’t really know
    Behind his back she would often go
    Save your tears
    I have no fear
    Out the damn door you go.

    Reply
  35. ChumpChange says

    January 31, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    I was so nice
    You married me twice
    You had a fine life
    With a beautiful wife
    You thought you needed more
    So you ran off with a whore
    Now you’re with Jill
    And need the Blue Pill.

    hahaha!~!

    Reply
    • CW says

      January 31, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      Nice!

      Reply
  36. matilda says

    January 31, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    It was just one little mistake
    Didn’t think you would mind if our wedding vows I did break
    OW threw herself on me, saying “why don’t I be your mistress?—want to try it?”
    You were too busy with our kids, work, & the house to feed me my kibble diet
    So why not fence sit & eat a little cake?

    Reply
  37. DuckLinerUpper says

    January 31, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Though he cheated and left me with debt
    He’s thinks I’m not over him yet
    But I’ll be quite okay
    And look forward and pray
    For the Tuesday when I get to “meh”

    Reply
    • Tara says

      February 1, 2014 at 1:01 am

      like button

      Reply
      • Justme52 says

        February 1, 2014 at 8:39 am

        Very good.

        Reply
    • Chump Princess says

      February 1, 2014 at 6:20 pm

      Duck,

      You are really, really good at this.

      Reply
    • Tink says

      February 9, 2014 at 8:46 am

      Perfect!

      Reply
  38. Daffram says

    January 31, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    Years ago you said you didn’t believe in divorce
    You didn’t say anything about being a whore of course
    You cheated and lied
    My false reality died
    Guess what, I believe in divorce
    ………………………………………………………………………………….

    You say I didn’t treat you special everyday
    You say I didn’t treat you like a queen everyday
    Your claim is lame
    I’m not playing your game
    You weren’t even that great of a lay.
    …………………………………………………………………………………

    Her farts were often and loud
    So much so, a teenager would be proud
    The blast was steady
    I thought your underwear was confetti
    Even the dog was wowed.

    Reply
    • DuckLinerUpper says

      January 31, 2014 at 2:48 pm

      What is it with stinky cheaters? Mine farted constantly. Smelled like something died inside of him (his soul?!). It seems like a high proportion of cheater-narcs have stomach issues. Maybe cake doesn’t digest so well….

      Reply
      • GladIt'sOver says

        January 31, 2014 at 3:28 pm

        Yep, my ex has gas that is WAY beyond normal. He thinks it is hilarious to blast out the loudest, longest, smelliest farts, even while sitting at someone’s dinner table, in a movie theaters, out with friends. I’m so glad to be away from that, god. Of course, mine is the guy who sent a half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat to me while our divorce was in process, because he said it gave him gas. Freak.

        Reply
      • SeeTheLight says

        January 31, 2014 at 4:21 pm

        The farts they did whistle,
        while the marriage did fizzle.

        Respect me, he did not.
        His gas was just another blot.

        The playmate I pity, as he is really quite shitty.
        But she has earned her place, as he farts in her face.

        Because clue-less they be, I am stink-less and free,
        and together they continue to rot.

        Reply
        • Digbert says

          January 31, 2014 at 7:12 pm

          ahahahaha :-)

          Reply
          • Justme52 says

            February 1, 2014 at 8:41 am

            Too funny. LMFAO

            Reply
        • Walking It says

          February 1, 2014 at 5:15 pm

          Love it

          Reply
      • river says

        February 1, 2014 at 8:47 pm

        I used to tell my XH that his smelled like a dumpster full of rotten kohlrabi. It was extraordinary.

        Reply
      • kb says

        February 2, 2014 at 11:34 am

        My cheater has stomach issues, too, though he isn’t prone to flatulence. However, if anyone else happens to let one fly, he makes a big production out of it. I mean, come on, the dog farted, so what? They do that. The cats do, too, and even he does on occasion.

        Cake might not digest well, though. For a long time, he was worried about diarrhea. Apparently he really meant constipation, though I’m not sure how one confuses the two….

        Reply
    • NorthernLight says

      January 31, 2014 at 10:30 pm

      “Even the dog was wowed.”— hilarious!

      Reply
  39. Doop says

    January 31, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Hooker in my home
    While he sleeps, she surfs my web
    My home, spouse, bed. Yuck.

    (They suck!)

    Reply
  40. Doop says

    January 31, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    After whore he found
    his next enabler; told her
    “he did it with you,
    he will do it to you, too”

    Reply
  41. Doop says

    January 31, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Gave support, love to
    Sir Crazy-Maker Supreme
    He took all, I kept esteem.

    Reply
  42. DuckLinerUpper says

    January 31, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    While married, he had it made
    Wife, kids, big house, and high pay
    Now his job is lost
    Insurance? Cut off
    Was she really that great of a lay?

    Reply
    • ColdTurkey says

      January 31, 2014 at 10:16 pm

      Incredible talent, DuckLinerUpper. You’re a natural! Keep ’em coming…

      Reply
      • GiniShamrock says

        January 31, 2014 at 10:58 pm

        DuckLinerUpper,
        That sounds EXACTLY like my ex. He has been out of a job for 5 months. We had it all too, just like you list. Now, it’s all in the crapper.

        Reply
  43. matilda says

    January 31, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    There once was an OW who had striped hair like a skunk
    She thought WH was such a hunk
    She didn’t care that he was married
    His ego kibbles she did feed
    Down to the sewer they both sunk.

    Reply
    • Justme52 says

      February 1, 2014 at 8:45 am

      My STBX ‘s skank has skunky hair to. Striped and she stinks.

      Reply
  44. ChumpChange says

    January 31, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    To Duck Liner Upper…You are good!!!

    Reply
  45. Datdamwuf says

    January 31, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    You tried to pull me down the drain
    Then you pointed a gun at my brain
    So I put you away in the hospital
    You maintained you weren’t responsible
    Too bad, you are out in the rain

    Reply
  46. Doop says

    January 31, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Hooker in my home,
    Rehab wuv; child with ‘nother
    Me? Finally free.

    Reply
  47. HadEnough says

    January 31, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Your affairs
    Were my ticket out
    Of hell.
    And you wondered why
    I didn’t cry.

    Reply
    • Tara says

      February 1, 2014 at 1:04 am

      Nice.

      Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:44 pm

      Wish I’d written this one!

      Reply
  48. Little Mighty Me says

    January 31, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    Poor sausage, he had a rough life
    Stuck with his sick, pregnant wife
    Dick too immature
    To ever endure
    A few weeks without sex every night

    Our sausage, he hatched quite a plan
    Create drama whenever he can
    So she’d give him some space
    To spend time face-to-face
    With Ms. Whorecunt, who wanted her man

    Crush my soul, then run out for a “beer”
    Taking “me” time to help his head “clear”
    Spend his time “at the bar”
    Jerking off in his car
    While he sexted one-handed, oh dear

    The chump who was me lay crying
    Every day feeling like dying
    He made me feel crazy
    Everything was so hazy
    But one thing was sure…he was lying

    “I don’t think I love you, I’ve been faking.”
    “Sorry if your heart seems to be breaking.”
    “But now I need time,
    To make up my mind,
    Some decisions I need to be making.”

    “So, I’m taking off for a few days.
    I’ll think my way out of my malaise.
    But I can’t do it here
    So, please be a dear,
    And don’t worry, it’s all just a phase.

    A chump is a chump, but she’s bright
    Technology fits her just right
    “Of course you can go!”
    What he didn’t know
    His phone had been hacked in the night.

    Now Sausage has been shown the door
    My God, but he’s gonna be poor
    I’ve got the kids AND his truck
    And oh YES, the side fuck?
    Whorecunt dumped him, ’cause she “deserves more!”

    Reply
    • Jordan says

      January 31, 2014 at 4:59 pm

      Terrible story but amazing poem! Well done.

      Reply
    • PattyToo says

      January 31, 2014 at 5:20 pm

      HaHaHaaaahaha
      He got burned!

      Reply
    • Chumpalicious says

      January 31, 2014 at 7:08 pm

      awesome

      Reply
    • Digbert says

      January 31, 2014 at 7:14 pm

      Wow, that is really awesome!

      Reply
    • Datdamwuf says

      January 31, 2014 at 7:19 pm

      That was pretty damn amazing Little Mighty Me! I cracked up. and I’m so glad you have reached the point where I KNOW you are laughing as you write it :)

      Reply
    • Chump Lady says

      January 31, 2014 at 7:22 pm

      Way to go!

      Reply
      • Little Mighty Me says

        January 31, 2014 at 8:58 pm

        ^^^^^^^^^
        Writing that was actually a whole lot of fun :)

        I missed last years contest, having only discovered CL about four months ago (best site and advice EVER, by the way).

        Reply
    • Justme52 says

      February 1, 2014 at 8:48 am

      Love this one. You rock.

      Reply
    • Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:49 am

      Wow, people jerk off while sexting in their cars? I will never borrow someone’s cell phone to make a call again.

      Reply
    • Jode70 says

      February 1, 2014 at 5:50 pm

      Wow oh wow. That is awesome :-) made my day

      Reply
  49. TJ says

    January 31, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    The Douche and The Whore were having lots of fun
    They connected, she ” got him”, they basked in the sun
    But he forgot who paid his phone bill, must have slipped his mind
    His father-in-law unearthed the truth and his family status was immediately redefined
    Alas The Whore finished with her game, and she left him in a mad dash
    12 years of my happiness, gone in a flash

    Reply
  50. WildcatChump says

    January 31, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    Husband’s mistress was once from Nantucket
    She was called, by one and all, Big Butt McFuckit
    ‘Cause she, just like the arches at McDonald’s say,
    serviced two billion men – quite the exponential lay
    Yet with her big ass, and husband’s big gut, all she could do was suck it.

    Reply
    • Digbert says

      January 31, 2014 at 9:37 pm

      :-)

      Reply
  51. Chumpalicious says

    January 31, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Jesus wants to know
    How you do adultery
    With a clear conscience

    Reply
    • Chumpalicious says

      January 31, 2014 at 10:39 pm

      Jesus wants to know
      What part of ‘don’t fuck around’
      Dint you understand?

      Reply
  52. Datdamwuf says

    January 31, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    I love you all sharing your wonderful wit and wicked funny stuff, thanks

    Reply
  53. Berdawn says

    January 31, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    There once was a chump named Berdawn
    Whose ex just just couldn’t get gone
    So packed up his shite
    Morning and night
    And left all that crap on his lawn

    Holy fucking shit
    It’s the trite I can’t believe
    Your college girlfriend?

    Reply
  54. Harmonysmine says

    January 31, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    From the very beginning when I believed every word you said
    I had no way of knowing that you were oh so sick in the head

    But it became so clear to me the more that time passed by
    That everything you ever said was nothing but a lie

    So for all the times you spent our money on whoring around with a stripper
    I wish you just as many times that your balls get stuck in your zipper

    And for all the years wasted that you played me for a sucker
    Just know that I’m happy now you stupid motherfucker.

    Reply
    • nicolette14 says

      January 31, 2014 at 10:13 pm

      amen!! you tell it girl!!

      Reply
      • nicolette14 says

        January 31, 2014 at 10:17 pm

        your poem was great, you should add that to your last sentence this;
        Just know that I’m happy now WITHOUT you stupid motherfucker. :)

        Reply
    • Walking It says

      February 1, 2014 at 5:19 pm

      awesome

      Reply
  55. Dawn says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    It’s my fault, you said…
    Going to another bed.
    You are a liar.

    Reply
  56. Digbert says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    I should of known something was up
    When I saw him in the buff
    Those bright ginger pubes were missing
    And I said “who’ve you been kissing?”

    * please note my nothing against gingers disclaimer :-)

    Reply
  57. ChumpChange says

    January 31, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    I thought we lived in Downton Abbey.
    But we really lived in Grouse Meadows.
    Good enough for me but guess not for you.

    We honeymooned at the Tropicana in Vegas
    With room service and mirrors on the ceiling
    And had Turbo Sex that left us breathless

    Fast Forward Five years later….
    February 19th … caught you at the Econo Lodge
    Downtown seedy Spokane Third Street
    Fucking her

    Broke. My. Heart. In. A. Million. Little. Pieces.

    Reply
  58. nicolette14 says

    January 31, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    Supposedly found his one true love,
    yet he still lied and chased others,
    when she was always by his side…
    He kept her in the dark with his endless lies,
    She didn’t see it at first what a slithering snake that he really was,
    Eventually thick veil lifted, the fog cleared, the sky bluer than it ever was,
    Then she was able to see, what a truly bullshitting liar that he really was..

    Reply
  59. notyou says

    January 31, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    I can’t take credit for this one because I’ve heard it before…. but have a good chuckle anyway!!

    There once was a lady who found
    That her husband was f**king around.
    She put some strychnine
    Into his glass of wine,
    And buried his ass in the ground.

    Reply
  60. MightySparrow says

    January 31, 2014 at 10:37 pm

    First post. Yes, this actually happened Valentine’s Day 2013.

    Valentine dinner consumed,
    Pot & Tequila misused
    Passed out on the couch
    You deliver an ouch
    “‘Best friend’s name’, I love you!”

    Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:48 pm

      “Ouch” indeed!

      Reply
  61. notyou says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    This one is original….

    There once was a twinkle-twat slut
    who set sights on an old married mutt
    She shagged on his dong
    even though it was wrong
    till the wife put a foot up his butt.

    Wife hauled his behind into court
    And the judge said to him, “Old sport,
    when you choose around to play
    there is always a price to pay,
    and you can’t screw around with a tort.

    Reply
    • Chumpalicious says

      January 31, 2014 at 11:38 pm

      Beautiful.. Does Hallmark have a line of divorce cards?

      Reply
      • notyou says

        February 1, 2014 at 2:13 pm

        It needed tweaking. The rhyme was OK, but meter and punctuation weren’t right.

        Corrected version:

        There once was a twinkle-twat slut
        who set sights on an old married mutt.
        She shagged on his dong
        even though it was wrong
        till the wife put a foot up his butt!

        Wife hauled his behind into court;
        And the judge said to him, “Old sport,
        when around you do play
        there’s a price you will pay;
        and you can’t screw around with a tort.”

        Reply
  62. RobinLee says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    My favorite time of the year at Chumplady! It’s late, but I thought of one…

    We hold hands, in love?
    With a sneer, you disengage
    And wipe hand on pants.

    Reply
    • Lyn says

      February 2, 2014 at 6:35 am

      I like this one!

      Reply
  63. RobinLee says

    January 31, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    You kick so high, Watch!
    Aerobics instructors love
    French can-can dancers.

    Reply
  64. RobinLee says

    February 1, 2014 at 12:00 am

    In-laws birthday bash
    Driving, you smolder, fume, snap
    We have arrived…Smile!

    Reply
  65. RobinLee says

    February 1, 2014 at 12:06 am

    I only mean to do one…

    Skanky and Spanky,
    Universe united you,
    Divorce done. Party over?

    Reply
  66. RobinLee says

    February 1, 2014 at 12:29 am

    Darn, I was brushing my teeth and thought of another one…someone stop me!

    Please, Please come back home.
    Daisy Duke cut out…Here!
    Misses you. Take her.

    Reply
  67. zyx321 says

    February 1, 2014 at 1:15 am

    Bored, only work talk
    Poor sausage, poor woeful you
    Met O.W. — at work.

    Blindsided one night
    ‘Tired of living a lie’
    Ten years less, it’s Love

    Long night was stormy
    dawn shines bright, birds are chirping
    Head up, I stand tall

    Always did my best
    Gloomy life unexpected
    Humming nonstop now

    Reply
    • zyx321 says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:53 am

      Those are separate haikus, in cas it was not clear.
      Should have placed lies between the lines

      Reply
      • zyx321 says

        February 1, 2014 at 11:54 am

        Arghh. “Lines” not lies; the exH is the liar, not me ;)

        Reply
        • GladIt'sOver says

          February 1, 2014 at 12:13 pm

          Those are awesome, and actually work beautifully together to make one longer poem. I love it!

          Reply
          • zyx321 says

            February 1, 2014 at 2:34 pm

            GiO,
            I not noticed, they are a progression. Funny how the mind works.
            I truly spend my day humming at work as I walk the hallways. I had no idea how unhappy I was until my new world opened up!

            Reply
  68. Telo says

    February 1, 2014 at 1:21 am

    There once was a brutha from Prost
    Who fled when She got diagnosed
    He lost his “breastfeeding”
    Took up with “bad breeding”
    And now he must pay through the nose.

    Reply
  69. Uniquelyme says

    February 1, 2014 at 5:41 am

    ‘Til death do us part
    Until he found a tart
    Marriage vows for naught
    I had to drop the gnat
    And that’s how I got a fresh start.

    Reply
  70. Happy at Last says

    February 1, 2014 at 6:42 am

    There once was a boy named George
    Who never grew up you see
    It was all about him, him, him
    I wasn’t just mother to three.

    He raged, pouted, and cursed
    When his lies I did not believe
    He found a new source as bad as he is
    And now all I feel is relief!

    Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:50 pm

      Me, too!

      Reply
  71. sunnydaysahead says

    February 1, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Pregnant and alone in California
    Red flags abound, “Tried to warn ya!”
    A double life in China
    More than one willing vagina
    Can’t wait ’til the day I don’t mourn ya

    Reply
  72. Jayne says

    February 1, 2014 at 8:53 am

    A rush to the head
    Erstwhile never known conscience
    Ma.Ni.Pu.La.Tion!

    Reply
  73. MovingOn says

    February 1, 2014 at 9:46 am

    There was once a sad sack in mid-life,
    whose needs weren’t being met by his wife,
    he logged onto AM,
    where he found a real gem,
    a great plan– blended family with strife.

    Reply
  74. namedforvera says

    February 1, 2014 at 10:01 am

    A wife, shrink, and a mistress his due
    Yet: “I swear I’d never do that to you”
    He’s a compulsive liar
    A non-stop sexting crier.
    So I took him to court and gave him something to really cry about.

    Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:51 pm

      Ha! Ha!

      Reply
  75. Jayne says

    February 1, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Elephants will fly
    before I forgive you!

    Reply
  76. bellzero says

    February 1, 2014 at 10:58 am

    I wish I knew what to do
    Sometimes I feel so blue
    Can I hope in the karma bus
    To smack that cheating cuss.

    Arseholes that they are
    Trust that they suck
    Cos when it’s right
    Your future will be bright

    Reply
  77. Jayne says

    February 1, 2014 at 11:20 am

    In heaven the angels all seen ya
    making free with your charm and your wiener
    then you took me hostage
    with your lies – you poor sausage
    now your lies, in my mind, have all killed ya.

    Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:52 pm

      Good one! Reading these makes me happy!

      Reply
  78. beendonengone says

    February 1, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    I’ve been lurking for a while. This site is wonderful. I happened upon it one night when I needed some positive reassurance. Even 5 years after D, you sometimes need to be reminded of what you came out of was way worse than where you’re headed. Now, let’s put a little southern comfort in this thang!

    Ya done went an found ya another,
    Cos yer home life started to smother.
    Now its yer turn to crawl,
    Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
    Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!

    Hahaha! Gotta love Karma! :)

    Reply
    • Chump Princess says

      February 1, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      LIKE!!!

      Reply
      • Jode70 says

        February 1, 2014 at 3:24 pm

        Like a lot :-)

        Reply
    • PhysicsGal says

      February 1, 2014 at 5:24 pm

      Brilliant

      Reply
      • notyou says

        February 1, 2014 at 7:13 pm

        ROTFLAMO. Nothing like a little “Southern Comfort”–limerick style.

        Reply
        • Harmonysmine says

          February 1, 2014 at 11:36 pm

          Love it!

          Reply
    • Regina says

      February 7, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      I used to wonder how Jerry Springer found those crazy low life’s! We help him! I kid with my friends about I an acronym made up that I call a “JSM” A Jerry Springer moment…when someone goes “off the chain!”

      Reply
    • Tomorrowisagoodday says

      February 13, 2014 at 4:01 pm

      Love love love this!

      Reply
  79. donebeenngone says

    February 1, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Another man’s wife
    Serious kick in the teeth
    At least I have mine

    Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:53 pm

      One of my favorites!

      Reply
  80. Jayne says

    February 1, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    ‘Wah! Wah! It was just a mistake!’
    Oh really? Please give me a break
    Well you’ll hit the roof
    Now I tell you the truth
    Each orgasm I had was a fake!

    (Not really! – but Ha! :-) )

    Reply
    • MovingOn says

      February 1, 2014 at 1:56 pm

      That’s great! :D

      Reply
  81. ChutesandLadders says

    February 1, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Pious Catholic fools
    Matrimony had one rule
    Burn in hell, cheaters

    Reply
  82. ChutesandLadders says

    February 1, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    C hump and proud of it
    H opeful again, recovering from the loneliest, 20 years of my life
    E verything about you is fake
    A nd you believe your own, self-serving hype
    T oo many people know the weirdo behind your mask now
    E gotistical asshat and selfish cheapskate
    R elocate and start over, away from those of us who survived living with an epic liar.

    Reply
    • Danabern7 says

      February 19, 2014 at 11:14 pm

      Love it! I can relate so much!

      Reply
  83. Jode70 says

    February 1, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    The day you walked into work
    To tell me you were leaving me
    My world fell apart
    For your newest skanky whore flirt

    Three years moved on
    Yep I trust that you suck
    I am happy being me, and you??
    I don’t give a fuck.

    Reply
  84. Chump Princess says

    February 1, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    I married a conscienceless prick,
    Who had no control of his dick,
    When I could take it no more,
    I walked out of the door,
    Let him stay with the minister whore.

    Reply
    • Lyn says

      February 2, 2014 at 6:39 am

      Perfect!

      Reply
  85. Nat1 says

    February 1, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    On the surface everyone thought him so nice
    Alas the internet was his number 1 vice
    He was “bored lonely and 40”
    And ever so naughty
    only an idiot would look at him twice

    Reply
  86. Nat1 says

    February 1, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    That “man” he won’t call his kids
    Maybe the OW forbids?
    He’ll need them oneday
    Go away they’ll say
    Then he’ll be back in the skids

    Reply
    • Jode70 says

      February 1, 2014 at 4:01 pm

      Love it :-). Ain’t that the truth

      Reply
  87. Nat1 says

    February 1, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    You’re right this is very addictive:

    My doctor said it’s common these days
    For young girls to seek old married men.
    They think if they can put up with their ways
    They’ll have riches and be set up till his end.
    Thank god I’m uncommon!

    Reply
  88. Nat1 says

    February 1, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    The OW is bisexual according to her profile.
    Young enough for DD to call him a pedaphile.
    She should have chased me if she wanted more
    But instead is with him andhas ended up poor
    While me and the kids finally have a life style

    Reply
    • RobinLee says

      February 1, 2014 at 11:55 pm

      Yay, you!

      Reply
  89. marice says

    February 1, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    naïve, a life dreamt
    losing youth through tears boundless
    scars fade ever slow

    Reply
  90. JJ says

    February 1, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    Your gas lighting made me a mess
    Time and space requests oh I’m nauseous
    I went on holiday
    With our kids far away
    And you spent the whole time with your mistress

    Reply
  91. Lyn says

    February 1, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    Your journal I found explained all
    I learned I was in for a fall
    You pushed me from the cage
    Watched me splat in your rage
    What I saw in you I don’t recall
    —-

    Strange ring tones and funny phone bills
    Revealed what you did for your thrills
    You lied and lied
    Then cried and cried
    I’m glad you took off for the hills
    —-

    Shopping with me made you sick
    With her it made your heart tick
    You lying asshole
    Many years you stole
    Because of your wandering dick
    —

    He loved me but was not in love
    He explained as he gave me a shove
    But let’s still be friends
    So his conscience can cleanse
    Gaslighting I grew so sick of

    Reply
    • notyou says

      February 1, 2014 at 7:11 pm

      Good one!!!

      Reply
  92. JJ says

    February 1, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    You want to be 20 again
    Two kids and a mortgage restrain
    So you start an affair
    It’s true love you declare
    Who cares that your family is in pain

    Reply
  93. Lyn says

    February 1, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    Nothing in common
    We had said he but they had
    So much in common

    Reply
  94. JJ says

    February 1, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Three months of no contact I’m done
    I don’t cry for you daily, no none
    No more trouble and strife
    I’m no longer your wife
    Screw you asshole, you haven’t won

    Reply
  95. Lyn says

    February 1, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    We can still be friends
    You’ve got to be kidding me
    Don’t need friends like you

    Reply
  96. Lyn says

    February 1, 2014 at 7:10 pm

    This is all your fault
    Please let me pin this on you
    It can’t be my fault

    Reply
  97. nat1 says

    February 1, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    That young girl called again a toot toot
    You saw her as your escape route
    So quickly you fled
    Off to her bed
    Now your 50, with a baby, what a hoot!

    Reply
  98. river says

    February 1, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    A haiku to commemorate my brief reconciliation period:

    We had plans for dinner
    You arrived home at 10
    With a doggy bag

    Reply
    • Lyn says

      February 2, 2014 at 6:42 am

      That made me laugh!

      Reply
  99. river says

    February 1, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    Oops, they syllables aren’t right!

    We had dinner plans
    You arrived home after 10
    With a doggy bag

    There, that’s better. ;o)

    Reply
    • river says

      February 1, 2014 at 8:37 pm

      *the syllables.

      (Sheesh! I swear I’m not drunk! Just finished my move into my new house. Exhausted.)

      Reply
  100. mzmama says

    February 1, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    You always told me,
    “I’m not going anywhere.”
    I guess your dick did…

    Reply
  101. RobinLee says

    February 1, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    Persnickety you,
    Old, Fat, Dumb, Inferior
    Not good enough me.

    Reply
    • Jayne says

      February 2, 2014 at 6:05 am

      Persnickety! :-D – had to look that one up! – RobinLee – I really hope your last line meant not good enough FOR you! xx

      Reply
      • RobinLee says

        February 2, 2014 at 4:21 pm

        He’s not good enough for me and none of those descriptions actually apply to me (though I could lose 30 pounds)…but the haiku is about 20 sad years of dysfunction. All over now….weeeee!

        Reply
  102. GiniShamrock says

    February 2, 2014 at 12:37 am

    Twenty years of marriage, for what?
    So, you could run off with some twat
    But, I beat you to the bank
    While you ran to your skank
    Now, both of you poor bastards can rot

    Reply
    • nat1 says

      February 2, 2014 at 5:57 am

      Hehe. Like!

      Reply
      • Lyn says

        February 2, 2014 at 6:43 am

        Funny!

        Reply
  103. Margaret says

    February 2, 2014 at 6:32 am

    Dirt beneath your feet
    I shifted, knocked you over
    ‘Quake revolution.

    Reply
    • Lyn says

      February 2, 2014 at 5:09 pm

      I like it!

      Reply
  104. Margaret says

    February 2, 2014 at 7:07 am

    Can’t help it. Here’s a limerick for a couple of guys who managed their extramarital fun in creative ways.

    There once were two couples, good friends
    Whose husbands went out for good ends
    To pick up the beer
    in a blizzard, oh dear
    While wives cooked roast beef in suspense

    When hours went by wives thought they died
    For to call the men never tried
    Midnight came they round
    With happy drunk sound
    Said their supper was chicken fried.

    Reply
  105. Little Mighty Me says

    February 2, 2014 at 7:32 am

    Work has been getting in the way of me writing a simple haiku, but finally!

    Say goodbye to sex
    Living in your mom’s basement
    Should have been faithful

    Reply
    • PattyToo says

      February 3, 2014 at 11:45 am

      Yeah, my job keeps getting in the way of paying attention to ChumpLady, too!

      Reply
  106. Michelle says

    February 2, 2014 at 8:27 am

    A wolf in sheep’s clothing was he
    Was married but felt he was free
    Karma found him one day
    And gave him a diseased lay
    And now he has no dick to peepee

    Reply
    • Michelle says

      February 2, 2014 at 8:38 am

      Sorry! I posted twice because it wasn’t going through and then I “tweaked” it a little the 2nd time.

      Reply
  107. Michelle says

    February 2, 2014 at 8:34 am

    A wolf in sheep’s clothing was he
    Was married but felt he was free
    Karma found him one day
    ‘N gave him a diseased lay
    And now he has no dick to pee pee!

    Reply
    • Lyn says

      February 2, 2014 at 5:06 pm

      Hilarious!

      Reply
  108. Meg says

    February 2, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Hon, your girlfriend is really a moocher,
    While you’re lured by her lips and her smoocher,
    You go up; she goes down
    Fucking all over town
    Guess it’s true that my past is her future!

    Reply
    • PattyToo says

      February 2, 2014 at 9:38 am

      :)

      Reply
    • DuckLinerUpper says

      February 3, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      “Guess it’s true that my past is her future!”

      Love this!

      Reply
  109. Hadenough says

    February 2, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Always adjusting your junk
    Could never understand why
    It’s clear now
    Your dick is in your mind

    Reply
    • Tara says

      February 3, 2014 at 2:23 am

      So true. My ex was always touching and adjusting his junk during his “affair stage”

      Reply
  110. P.F says

    February 2, 2014 at 11:44 am

    She used to hate guns and voted for Obama
    Her new fiancé is a republican, takes her hunting, and calls her hot mama
    Hauren’s got a gun and no longer a tree hugger
    She’s a shape shifter, a fraud, and a liar
    So glad she’s gone and don’t miss her drama

    Reply
    • GiniShamrock says

      February 2, 2014 at 12:01 pm

      I like it, P.F.! HAHA!

      Reply
  111. diane says

    February 2, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    I loved you for many a year
    but all you brought was many a tear
    you cheated you lied
    well honey check out the mirror, wow you look fried
    believe in karma, it is here.

    Reply
  112. Jen says

    February 2, 2014 at 2:49 pm

    There once was a doctor named Paul
    Who shags around when he’s ‘on call’.
    He was a shit spouse –
    But I got the house
    And he’s ended up with fuck all!

    Reply
    • Jayne says

      February 2, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      :-D

      Reply
  113. Jayne says

    February 2, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    CL – seriously – can you please head this topic with a public health warning!

    I CAN’T STOP READING IN LIMERICKS – this is seriously affecting my enjoyment of ‘Oscar and Lucinda’!!!!!
    :-D
    (Just look away dear Jayne
    The meter is screwing your brain
    Every time that you look
    buggers up your new book
    And is driving you damned near insane! :-D )

    Reply
  114. diane says

    February 2, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    Last summer as we sat in our yard
    you promised to love me but that was too hard
    You promised to be true
    but once again you left me so blue
    well sit down and make a stiff drink
    because your life wont always turn out like you think
    but I’ll bet you will find somethings wont be too hard

    Reply
  115. RobinLee says

    February 2, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    Poor baby’s head hurts.
    Aren’t you happy with the whore?
    Let her wipe your brow.

    Reply
    • Lyn says

      February 2, 2014 at 5:08 pm

      Good one!

      Reply
  116. RevoveredHoper says

    February 3, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Love started sweet as candies
    It ended with you giving handies
    My Life has started anew
    Breaking completely away from you
    Ready for someone much more dandy

    Reply
  117. Mizz A says

    February 3, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Exhibit A file
    naked ass and cowboy hat
    sweet stupidity

    Reply
  118. Coralf says

    February 3, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    You stupid OW
    He would never cheat on you
    Your logic is flawed

    There once was a pathological liar
    Who could gaslight his wife what a friar
    Such emotional abuse
    Made his wife cut herself loose
    Now he’s stuck with a home wrecking tyre

    Reply
  119. Coralf says

    February 3, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    In the things that a cheater packs first
    Not a plate or a glass or a shirt
    But he remembered essential oil
    and the sushi mat and foil
    and in the driveway the remains got dispersed

    As That girl said, “You can’t make this shit up”

    Reply
  120. DuckLinerUpper says

    February 3, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    My world, all I had:
    marriage, house, heart, stuff – all gone
    Diorama, crushed

    Reply
    • LiningUpDucks says

      February 6, 2014 at 1:11 pm

      And another haiku…..inspired by my ex trying to get me to reconcile and go back to him…..not a chance!

      Fond memories? No.
      You are something I survived
      Kind of like cancer.

      Reply
  121. Coralf says

    February 3, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    A sociopath you were born
    So charming but parasitic and spawn
    Now the whore can have you
    I want nothing to do
    I’d rather shack with a Parktown Prawn

    Reply
  122. Coralf says

    February 3, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    gurgle needs edit function ….
    Should read:
    Now Twinkle Twat can have you

    Reply
  123. DuckLinerUpper says

    February 3, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Here’s a call out to two of my favorite movies that show recovery after cheating and divorce. They’ve both inspired me and given me hope.

    My house is not the one
    Under the Tuscan Sun
    Might seem remote
    but my Hope Floats
    For better days, laughter and fun

    Reply
    • GiovannaN@yahoo.com says

      February 4, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      Another really good movie showing recovery after divorce is ‘You will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger’ with Anthony Hopkins. I rented it twice it was so good. :)

      Reply
      • LiningUpDucks says

        February 4, 2014 at 1:18 pm

        I’ll check it out. I need another good movie now that I pretty much have the first two memorized. lol

        Reply
  124. JustSaying says

    February 4, 2014 at 4:44 am

    Keeping a spreadsheet
    Of what you spent on your girl
    Was sort of stupid

    Reply
  125. coralf says

    February 4, 2014 at 5:02 am

    @JustSaying LOL!

    Nice one
    and leaving the wedding ring invoice laying about. I swear their brains get sucked out by aliens O_o

    Reply
  126. newlife says

    February 4, 2014 at 11:55 am

    My ex, the entitled doctor, thought
    His young secretary’s knockers were hot
    Wife and kiddies shown the door
    Popped viagra and married the whore
    And now she spends all that he’s got

    Reply
    • GiniShamrock says

      February 4, 2014 at 9:57 pm

      newlife,
      That’s a really good one! HAHA!

      Reply
  127. LiningUpDucks says

    February 4, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    The ex wanted kink night and day
    So he found an AP who would play
    Don’t mean to be banal,
    But does she like anal?
    No matter, he’d cheat either way

    Reply
  128. ChumpedTwice says

    February 6, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    Husband the golfer was droll,
    His girlfriend looked like a troll.
    When Wife kicked him out,
    Troll married the lout.
    Now she gets to be 19th hole.

    Reply
    • March says

      February 7, 2014 at 12:44 pm

      ChumpedTwice from above is now March.

      Reply
    • Regina says

      February 7, 2014 at 8:45 pm

      Hardy-Har! Now she can worry about who’s “trip-trapping” across her Bridge!! LOL good one! The 20th hole is on the next course!

      Reply
  129. RisingPhoenix says

    February 7, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Wow, I can’t stop laughing at some of them…who knew that Us Chumps had so much talent. I see a ebook maybe? And inspiration for the future Chumps? Just an Idea… :)

    Well here is my since I don’t like Roses and he always want to by me them :(

    For my love and my broken heart.
    Let me give you red rose . No more than that.
    Go and break this rose how you broke my defenseless heart.
    So by a rose your hands will be cut.

    Reply
  130. ThatGirl says

    February 7, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    Reptilian eyes
    Who is that looking at me?
    Stranger to me now…

    Reply
    • Chump Lady says

      February 14, 2014 at 7:17 am

      It’s hard to top the Tractor Supply jewelry TG.

      Reply
  131. Regina says

    February 7, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    There once was a man named Ted,
    Who fancied himself as well bred,
    Til his Cock took the wheel
    and uncovered a Heel,
    So I kicked his Ass out of my bed!

    Reply
  132. Tink says

    February 8, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    My handsome young groom was a fake,
    He didn’t love me, he loved “cake,”
    On my heart he did spit,
    With his lies full of shit,
    I had promised “I do” to a snake!

    Reply
  133. Melody says

    February 9, 2014 at 10:41 am

    This is the true story of our 27th wedding anniversary last year. It took me till November 23rd to get him out of the house. Thank you, Chump Lady; I wish that I had found your site a year ago!

    Our Anniversary was Valentine’s Day
    You said that you couldn’t stay
    But I thought you might roam
    So I followed you home
    To her house where you roll in the hay.

    Reply
  134. AshleyMadison says

    February 9, 2014 at 11:51 pm

    A long V-day poem, titled “Ashley Madison”; for the one who just left me (who I found trolling that site shortly after our baby was born a few years ago-).. PS – reconciliation with a serial cheater is a load of BS or as a friend put it, “why are you flushing your money down the toilet?” (on counseling)

    I cried once before
    Saw the plane ticket you bought her
    But you said that you loved me
    So I let you back in

    I cried once again
    When you found another friend
    And you both texted all day
    With your plans to run away

    But I let you back in my heart
    Tried the fresh start
    Cause the only thing worse than being with you
    Was being apart

    I wept the next time
    When I found you online
    This time making dates
    Meeting working girls out late

    But we had a baby
    And so call me crazy
    But I wanted to pretend
    You loved me more than Ashley Madison

    I let you back in my heart
    Tried the fresh start
    Cause the only thing worse than being with you
    Was being apart

    You used our child as a pawn
    So I could never move on
    You begged to be let back in
    And I gave in to you again

    I even paid for the shrink
    I should have stopped to think
    Why the only thing worse than being with you
    Was being apart

    I’ll never be what you’re looking for
    The one you just left me for
    The one our son calls “daddy’s new friend”
    Your new Ashley Madison

    Reply
  135. Sleepless34 says

    February 10, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    I thought I married a nice guy
    Who would never cheat, deceive, hurt or lie
    But apparently he was just pretending
    Because he was a fraud with a double life he was tending
    And all I wish is that he would just die

    Reply
  136. Sleepless34 says

    February 10, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    On Ashley Madison you went to have an affair
    You are pathetic and worthless, with self esteem beyond repair
    Pathetically, you think your love is for real
    For someone you met on the $299 affair guarantee deal
    I am disgusted by you, but I no longer care

    Reply
  137. Sleepless34 says

    February 10, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    Evil Stranger

    The man I thought I married is apparently dead
    He is actually a completely other person instead
    This evil stranger is now my children’s Dad
    I still have to deal with him and this makes me mad
    Can I pay someone to drop an anvil on his head?

    OMG I can’t stop….

    Reply
  138. Jode70 says

    February 10, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    I love it :) :) :)

    Reply
  139. lisa from joisey says

    February 12, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    It’s been ten years since d day
    and back then I felt very dismayed
    I raised the kids right
    with no help in sight
    They don’t speak to their father today

    Now looking back in hindsight
    I see that he wasn’t right
    I am still healing now
    to this day I have vowed
    to spot the red flags and take flight!

    Reply
  140. here comes a son says

    February 13, 2014 at 12:03 am

    it took nineteen years
    to find out you once cheated
    Surprise! your son’s here

    Reply
  141. HappyEverAfter says

    February 13, 2014 at 7:02 am

    This time last year we were ‘we’
    And now here I sit as just ‘me’
    You cheated and lied
    I spackled and cried
    But life’s better now that I’m free

    Reply
  142. coralf says

    February 13, 2014 at 8:17 am

    Like :)

    Reply
  143. ChutesandLadders says

    February 13, 2014 at 9:56 am

    There once was a disordered man
    Counted himself as his number one fan
    He cheated on me
    So I finally broke free
    Bimbo can have the cowardly charlatan.

    Reply
  144. armychumpwifey says

    February 13, 2014 at 10:54 am

    ARMY WIFE I AM YOU SEE (HOORAH)
    FAITHFUL, BUT HE MADE A CHUMP OF ME (HOORAH)
    FUCK HIM,FUCK HER, FUCK THE YELLOW RIBBONS
    I’M BURNING DOWN THE TREE (HOORAH)

    Reply
    • Hooahwifenomore says

      February 13, 2014 at 5:18 pm

      Bravo!!

      Reply
  145. Eddie the WTF dude of 49 days says

    February 13, 2014 at 11:53 am

    With apologies to Snoop, Dr Dre, Vanilla Ice and angry Henry Rollins, let’s do this.

    Wing Nut Rap

    It’s like this it’s like that it’s like that it’s like this
    The only time we saw eye to eye is when you were flat on your back
    I was making love to you, you were planning your attack

    Ring on your finger, vows that meant nothing, plan in motion, half of my money
    Wait a minute Chump Nation, this shit aint that funny!

    First it was your regret guy then it was Shrek
    You lost your job your family your daughter, SW your life is a train wreck

    You broke my heart, made me cry turned all the colors in my word blue
    But now I’m living my life, hows it working out for you?

    Let this be a cautionary tale to all you borderlines, sociopaths, narcissistic wing nuts
    all
    Whatever you gained in the moment, in the end you all fall

    What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and its character you all lack
    I’m standing tall and proud with Chump Nation and none of us is ever.. coming.. back.

    Peace out (throw mic to the ground)

    Reply
    • armychumpwifey says

      February 13, 2014 at 1:02 pm

      Lmao..good one Eddie..

      Reply
      • Eddie the WTF dude of 49 days says

        February 13, 2014 at 1:19 pm

        I need to change this verse to the X rated version:

        You broke my heart, made me cry turned all the colors in my word blue
        But now I’m living my life which is the best and biggest FUCK YOU!

        Better.

        Reply
        • armychumpwifey says

          February 13, 2014 at 4:59 pm

          Love that verse even better…made my day..thanks eddie

          Reply
          • armychumpwifey says

            February 13, 2014 at 5:16 pm

            STANDING TALL WITH “CHUMP NATION”, NEVER COMMNG BACK..
            “PEACE OUT”..( throw Mic to the ground)… LOVE IT..

            Reply
        • Hooahwifenomore says

          February 13, 2014 at 5:19 pm

          MUCH BETTER! GREAT JOB EDDIE!!!

          Reply
  146. Tomorrowisagoodday says

    February 13, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    So after another horrific drunken return in the small hours of the morning, I couldn’t take any more. I left my three year old forced my 15 month old baby into his hands and walked out. He had to sober up pretty quickly to take care of them. I spent the day at the national art gallery on my own stating at one painting and writing. I left when they shut. It was snowing. Another Christmas ruined.
    Thank goodness it’s finally over.

    Entitled: Fate, National Gallery Dec 2009
    Watercolour

    I used to think we were fated
    Mills and Boon had nothing on us
    Now all I can think is
    Why did you make such a fuss?

    I used to think we were fated
    Two teens entwined from the start
    Then with a bottle
    You went and smashed up my heart

    I used to think we were fated
    Distance meant nothing, miles were minute
    These days I wish I could turn back time
    Say no to the viper and replace the fruit

    I used to think we were fated
    We said ‘I do’ and cut the cake
    We’re only still together because of the house
    And for the children’s sake

    I used to think we were fated
    Turned a blind eye to the drink
    At night I watch you wallow in it
    Drowning, you sink

    I used to think we were fated
    Prayed to God to keep you well
    When you don’t come home at night
    I hope a stranger has sent you to hell

    I used to think we were fated
    As lovers we were simply the best
    But now you want a whore in bed
    You put me to the test

    I used to think we were fated
    It was us against the world
    Now it’s just a battle
    As your true colours unfurl

    I used to think we were fated
    You used to chase and charm me on the phone
    At night you call up women
    And masterbate alone

    I used to think we were fated
    Turned down many lucrative deals
    Now we fight in the boardroom
    Hurling words of sharpened steel

    I used to think we were fated
    Intoxicated by heat we gazed up at blue
    Now I’m a mime stuck in a box
    Trapped by walls without hue

    I used to think we were fated
    Each day without tears I cry
    Each day I hope you’ll decide
    To say farewell, goodbye

    I used to think we were fated
    Now I know Cupid gets it wrong
    Destiny doesn’t matter
    When misery lasts this long

    I used to think we were fated
    But we sing from different sheets
    You keep on saying sorry
    But your actions are stuck on repeat.

    Reply

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