We’re getting an early start this year, chumps. It’s time again to send me your Infidelity Valentines!
During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
So send me a poem! Just like last year’s contest, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winner gets a “meh” travel mug. (I ship internationally! Don’t be afraid to compete!) I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day and draw some accompanying cartoons. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
To inspire you, here are last year’s winners with cartoons:
“Nice guy” was only for show
You passive aggressive asshole
The children and me
Will NOT be “plan B”
I lied, sex was only so-so
ThatGirl
Christmas come and gone
Jewelry from Tractor Supply
Can’t make this shit up
Toes touch something odd.
What is this strange invader?
Her thong in my bed.
Man of Mystery —
The smartest guy in the room?
Left your phone open.
Gaslight, blameshift, lie
Where were you last Thursday?
Trashbags now on lawn.
Inspired by my very last child support payment, made YESTERDAY, after years of payments. Child support is truly sucky when you’re writing the check to a cheater who has shacked up with a former affair partner and you KNOW the money isn’t going to the kids. But it’s fun to contemplate the pay cut looming for the cheater household budget.
A check every month
to subsidize their luuuuurve nest
Chump change for cheaters.
Your new poor life sucks
like you in your boss’s car
when we were married.
Tape worms, ticks, and fleas
only steal a little blood.
Cheaters steal your life.
Ooh. A parasite theme. I like it.
Like this one – I’ve come to calling my XW’s affair partner a parasite, whose very existence serves to try to suck out all that is good in my life.
IT WON’T HAPPEN.
These are all great!
Love it!
I was so awful.
But she really gets you.
Ha! Now she has HPV too.
Had a virtuous wife who cared for me,
Jumped ship and let her drift out to sea.
She made port in friggin’ Hanalei,
While I’m awash in my own HPV.
And some limericks:
A cheater gave love that was fake
Her lies made her husband’s heart break
He heard through his pain
Her unspoken refrain:
“I *like*love–but I really love CAKE!”
There once was a chump most complete
Her true love would cheat and re-cheat.
She found the Chumplady
Saw how he was shady
And kicked his dumb ass to the street.
Awesome!!!
We were married, and you said “I do”
I was happily faithful to you
But you fucked around
I divorced you downtown
Guess what? Now I get to date, too
Laughing out Loud!
Love it!
I’m happy she walked into his life
I can say I’m no longer his wife
She will take him for more
as she is a whore
Now SHE is stuck with this lowlife!
Sucker punched
I’ve regained my breath
You lack the depth
To make Featherweight
You were never real.
I loved an image; an act.
The film is over.
You said I was “lucky” to be with you;
That all the women saw it too.
But the truth set me free
Now I hope you all see
That my heart has healed; life is brand new.
Love it!
You cheated and got all your thrills
Now damage control is your drill
Want our kids to feel
Like it’s ‘no big deal’
You think I won’t tell…but I will!
Could be my story! Nice!
Beautiful
Rescue me cried the whorish dame,
Sir Stud-less on the way
Armed with his false tales.
The Lady of his Manor quakes
But does not break.
Adultery is no gutsy.
Old guy at the bar.
He’s an Irish band groupie!
Thank God I left him.
I can’t watch our daughter today.
It’s my weekend but I need to play.
Why can’t you see?
I own the band’s t’s!
Time with our child gets in my way.
Irish band groupie at the bar paints quite the word picture.
What’s Gaelic for “loser”?
I think “Fear caillte na himeartha a luíonn le muca” works.
Google translate please!
It does indeed, Nomar!
CL – the translation (per Google) is: loser who lies with pigs
We would just call them ‘Gobshites’
gobshite is a brilliant word!
You cry for what you have lost
Paying no mind to the real cost
I’m almost done paying
For your indiscriminate laying
Now you can go get tossed
I love this!!!!
One day you just left, for your whore
My guts spilling out on the floor
Now I’m not there to clean
Ohhh…Life’s lost it’s sheen?
Your problem! I’m your wife no more
Once blind to your ways
My eyes are now wide open
I trust that you suck
Your soul is like a
Fishpaste sandwich left in an
Abandoned glovebox.
Ooh. It’s Margaret Atwood: “You fit me like a hook and eye. A fish hook, an open eye.” (Let me make it clear again that is Margaret Atwood, not me. If that were me, I would sitting pretty on book deals in Canada.)
May your life be long
At a great distance from mine
Separate, silent.
He thought he perfected his tricks
But cell tracking exposed him real quick
His 2 am fuck
Means he’s all out of luck
I’m done GPS-ing his dick
This is way too much fun!
And you are really good at it! LMAO!
funny
Wow … some amazing talent on this forum!
This is great!!
Should have said I don’t
You told me that fateful day
So why are we here
Leave! “Can’t. I’m busy”
In-laws bring truck; rough ride home…
Clothes litter highway.
This one cracked me up!
My hubby 20 years, what a dick
Gaslighted me till I’s sick
Couldn’t control his linguica
With a girl named “Theresa”
Now a Nick and Rick, what a prick!
I was blissfully wrapped in your trance
But then found your mistress from France
Can’t decide between us, you say?
Group sex makes for a better lay?
So I cut out the crotches in your pants
Married your mistress
Did you cheat on her as well?
Divorce Number Two
Love it!
I couldn’t survive if you went away,
so I spackled, suffered and stayed.
Then you fucked a ho-worker,
Cause I wouldn’t act like your hooker.
And surprise! I found my backbone – Hooray!
The divorce is now finally done.
I am free to be me and have fun!
Heard your first whore has bailed,
And the hook-ups have failed –
I just smile as I bask in the sun.
Love these!
Oh Angie… these are perfection!
You huff and you puff and you bluff:
I’m so weak and you are so tough.
Well, I’ve seen the light,
and am doing what’s right.
Your abuse finally wasn’t enough.
edited to add: “weak” in quotation marks to clarify that’s only part of the bluff
Being caught, Mr Fab and the Downgrade,
The trauma and terror were downplayed
The things that they did
Have persuaded his kid
They are truly matched shits of the same shade
Matching glittery turds lol
The ink on the divorce papers is dry, barely
The questions start, “Do you miss being married?
With no sex in the night,
is the “frustration real high”
Nope! Just need to hit 5th gear on my Harley.
And yes, I do have a Harley.
by the time I hit 5th gear, who needs a man? lol
Always wanted a motorbike….wanna start a Chump Chapter?
My older sister says that just plain old bicycles do this for her. She said this around my mom, who remarked that she felt somehow cheated!
Maybe the Harley is the better option!
Any motorcycle has good vibrations, if you will. Just something about a Harley. Its freedom, its fun, you can ride when you want, where you want, for as long as you want, as fast or slow as you want – and when you’re done you park it and get off.
Limerick: A Hate Song
I worried when you cheated, you gave me an STD
So I ran to the gyno at a high rate of speed.
I checked out clean
And divorced you mean
Now I am working on my PhD.
Limerick: A Hate Song II
You left me alone to take care of your house
Even though I was not deeded, I was just your damn spouse.
While repairing your plumbing
I saw something in the crawl space a-running
And it was an effing mouse.
I admit that I was not afraid
It was another float in this fucked up parade.
There was food in your suitcase
As well as left over toothpaste
You always treated me like a maid.
When you walked out, you left dishes in the sink
An uncleaned bathroom with a mucous crusted counter nearly put me over the brink.
Your beard clippings on the commode
And a septic tank about to explode
Your hoarding requires a shrink.
I hauled all your shit to the attic and the rest in that basement den
Apparently I was married to a cheating bastard who wasn’t even housebroken.
As for the mouse
I brought a cat in the house
I knew when I left, you would need a friend,
Who understood all your “nocturnal” needs
And overlook your disgusting misdeeds
You can this mouse Gus
Because your just a cuss
Who never cuts grass or pulls weeds.
I will admit I was sad the day I had to go
It was not long before the neighbors said you moved in with your trusty hoe
I left that house spotless
Because in a matter of time your mess
Would sooner your ass show.
I sleep in on weekends now with one less toilet to scrub
I soak most weeknights with a book in the tub
She married a cheat
Who was not neat
One day she will join the Chump club.
Vent on with your bad self!
Yeah. I’m still pretty hot about him walking out and leaving dirty dishes in the sink. He could have at least loaded the dishwasher.
Where’s the “Like” button? LMAO!
love the last one
Like
DDay was two weeks before Christmas. On Christmas morning, ex handed me some unwrapped “gifts” that he had apparently purchased the night before at the local Rite-Aid.
My gift from drugstore —
Leopard print bedroom slippers.
I hate leopard print.
I had NEVER ONCE worn animal print during our 20 years together, totally not my look. He also handed me two pink, cheap washcloths and a child’s wool winter beanie. Freak.
Washcloths and a beanie?! Ugggh.
Regift!
Probably a gift for you was a second thought after picking up his Penicillin & Viagra! Send them back to him next year, but wipe your ass with them first!
It would be hard to pick a winner and it’s only day 1!! Good luck CL!!
I know! This is going to be TOUGH!
Married life that was full of abuse
Why leave when I was of such ‘use’
You got dragged to the Judge
I’m no longer your drudge
It’s time for this girl to cut loose!
Bravo!
Fabulous!
You claimed the fault belonged to me
That you never reached your destiny
Now you look like a boob
Dancing in videos on YouTube
You’ve become a homeless yeti
Ha ha ha! Love it!
He’s trying to clean up his mess
Feigning ‘sorry’ to me and the press
Despite his theme song
His odds are quite long
Karma never forgets an address
I LOVE this one!
There was a chump whose wife he didn’t really know
Behind his back she would often go
Save your tears
I have no fear
Out the damn door you go.
I was so nice
You married me twice
You had a fine life
With a beautiful wife
You thought you needed more
So you ran off with a whore
Now you’re with Jill
And need the Blue Pill.
hahaha!~!
Nice!
It was just one little mistake
Didn’t think you would mind if our wedding vows I did break
OW threw herself on me, saying “why don’t I be your mistress?—want to try it?”
You were too busy with our kids, work, & the house to feed me my kibble diet
So why not fence sit & eat a little cake?
Though he cheated and left me with debt
He’s thinks I’m not over him yet
But I’ll be quite okay
And look forward and pray
For the Tuesday when I get to “meh”
like button
Very good.
Duck,
You are really, really good at this.
Perfect!
Years ago you said you didn’t believe in divorce
You didn’t say anything about being a whore of course
You cheated and lied
My false reality died
Guess what, I believe in divorce
………………………………………………………………………………….
You say I didn’t treat you special everyday
You say I didn’t treat you like a queen everyday
Your claim is lame
I’m not playing your game
You weren’t even that great of a lay.
…………………………………………………………………………………
Her farts were often and loud
So much so, a teenager would be proud
The blast was steady
I thought your underwear was confetti
Even the dog was wowed.
What is it with stinky cheaters? Mine farted constantly. Smelled like something died inside of him (his soul?!). It seems like a high proportion of cheater-narcs have stomach issues. Maybe cake doesn’t digest so well….
Yep, my ex has gas that is WAY beyond normal. He thinks it is hilarious to blast out the loudest, longest, smelliest farts, even while sitting at someone’s dinner table, in a movie theaters, out with friends. I’m so glad to be away from that, god. Of course, mine is the guy who sent a half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat to me while our divorce was in process, because he said it gave him gas. Freak.
The farts they did whistle,
while the marriage did fizzle.
Respect me, he did not.
His gas was just another blot.
The playmate I pity, as he is really quite shitty.
But she has earned her place, as he farts in her face.
Because clue-less they be, I am stink-less and free,
and together they continue to rot.
ahahahaha
Too funny. LMFAO
Love it
I used to tell my XH that his smelled like a dumpster full of rotten kohlrabi. It was extraordinary.
My cheater has stomach issues, too, though he isn’t prone to flatulence. However, if anyone else happens to let one fly, he makes a big production out of it. I mean, come on, the dog farted, so what? They do that. The cats do, too, and even he does on occasion.
Cake might not digest well, though. For a long time, he was worried about diarrhea. Apparently he really meant constipation, though I’m not sure how one confuses the two….
“Even the dog was wowed.”— hilarious!
Hooker in my home
While he sleeps, she surfs my web
My home, spouse, bed. Yuck.
(They suck!)
After whore he found
his next enabler; told her
“he did it with you,
he will do it to you, too”
Gave support, love to
Sir Crazy-Maker Supreme
He took all, I kept esteem.
While married, he had it made
Wife, kids, big house, and high pay
Now his job is lost
Insurance? Cut off
Was she really that great of a lay?
Incredible talent, DuckLinerUpper. You’re a natural! Keep ’em coming…
DuckLinerUpper,
That sounds EXACTLY like my ex. He has been out of a job for 5 months. We had it all too, just like you list. Now, it’s all in the crapper.
There once was an OW who had striped hair like a skunk
She thought WH was such a hunk
She didn’t care that he was married
His ego kibbles she did feed
Down to the sewer they both sunk.
My STBX ‘s skank has skunky hair to. Striped and she stinks.
To Duck Liner Upper…You are good!!!
You tried to pull me down the drain
Then you pointed a gun at my brain
So I put you away in the hospital
You maintained you weren’t responsible
Too bad, you are out in the rain
Hooker in my home,
Rehab wuv; child with ‘nother
Me? Finally free.
Your affairs
Were my ticket out
Of hell.
And you wondered why
I didn’t cry.
Nice.
Wish I’d written this one!
Poor sausage, he had a rough life
Stuck with his sick, pregnant wife
Dick too immature
To ever endure
A few weeks without sex every night
Our sausage, he hatched quite a plan
Create drama whenever he can
So she’d give him some space
To spend time face-to-face
With Ms. Whorecunt, who wanted her man
Crush my soul, then run out for a “beer”
Taking “me” time to help his head “clear”
Spend his time “at the bar”
Jerking off in his car
While he sexted one-handed, oh dear
The chump who was me lay crying
Every day feeling like dying
He made me feel crazy
Everything was so hazy
But one thing was sure…he was lying
“I don’t think I love you, I’ve been faking.”
“Sorry if your heart seems to be breaking.”
“But now I need time,
To make up my mind,
Some decisions I need to be making.”
“So, I’m taking off for a few days.
I’ll think my way out of my malaise.
But I can’t do it here
So, please be a dear,
And don’t worry, it’s all just a phase.
A chump is a chump, but she’s bright
Technology fits her just right
“Of course you can go!”
What he didn’t know
His phone had been hacked in the night.
Now Sausage has been shown the door
My God, but he’s gonna be poor
I’ve got the kids AND his truck
And oh YES, the side fuck?
Whorecunt dumped him, ’cause she “deserves more!”
Terrible story but amazing poem! Well done.
HaHaHaaaahaha
He got burned!
awesome
Wow, that is really awesome!
That was pretty damn amazing Little Mighty Me! I cracked up. and I’m so glad you have reached the point where I KNOW you are laughing as you write it
Way to go!
^^^^^^^^^
Writing that was actually a whole lot of fun
I missed last years contest, having only discovered CL about four months ago (best site and advice EVER, by the way).
Love this one. You rock.
Wow, people jerk off while sexting in their cars? I will never borrow someone’s cell phone to make a call again.
Wow oh wow. That is awesome
made my day
The Douche and The Whore were having lots of fun
They connected, she ” got him”, they basked in the sun
But he forgot who paid his phone bill, must have slipped his mind
His father-in-law unearthed the truth and his family status was immediately redefined
Alas The Whore finished with her game, and she left him in a mad dash
12 years of my happiness, gone in a flash
Husband’s mistress was once from Nantucket
She was called, by one and all, Big Butt McFuckit
‘Cause she, just like the arches at McDonald’s say,
serviced two billion men – quite the exponential lay
Yet with her big ass, and husband’s big gut, all she could do was suck it.
Jesus wants to know
How you do adultery
With a clear conscience
Jesus wants to know
What part of ‘don’t fuck around’
Dint you understand?
I love you all sharing your wonderful wit and wicked funny stuff, thanks
There once was a chump named Berdawn
Whose ex just just couldn’t get gone
So packed up his shite
Morning and night
And left all that crap on his lawn
Holy fucking shit
It’s the trite I can’t believe
Your college girlfriend?
From the very beginning when I believed every word you said
I had no way of knowing that you were oh so sick in the head
But it became so clear to me the more that time passed by
That everything you ever said was nothing but a lie
So for all the times you spent our money on whoring around with a stripper
I wish you just as many times that your balls get stuck in your zipper
And for all the years wasted that you played me for a sucker
Just know that I’m happy now you stupid motherfucker.
amen!! you tell it girl!!
your poem was great, you should add that to your last sentence this;
Just know that I’m happy now WITHOUT you stupid motherfucker.
awesome
It’s my fault, you said…
Going to another bed.
You are a liar.
I should of known something was up
When I saw him in the buff
Those bright ginger pubes were missing
And I said “who’ve you been kissing?”
* please note my nothing against gingers disclaimer
I thought we lived in Downton Abbey.
But we really lived in Grouse Meadows.
Good enough for me but guess not for you.
We honeymooned at the Tropicana in Vegas
With room service and mirrors on the ceiling
And had Turbo Sex that left us breathless
Fast Forward Five years later….
February 19th … caught you at the Econo Lodge
Downtown seedy Spokane Third Street
Fucking her
Broke. My. Heart. In. A. Million. Little. Pieces.
Supposedly found his one true love,
yet he still lied and chased others,
when she was always by his side…
He kept her in the dark with his endless lies,
She didn’t see it at first what a slithering snake that he really was,
Eventually thick veil lifted, the fog cleared, the sky bluer than it ever was,
Then she was able to see, what a truly bullshitting liar that he really was..
I can’t take credit for this one because I’ve heard it before…. but have a good chuckle anyway!!
There once was a lady who found
That her husband was f**king around.
She put some strychnine
Into his glass of wine,
And buried his ass in the ground.
First post. Yes, this actually happened Valentine’s Day 2013.
Valentine dinner consumed,
Pot & Tequila misused
Passed out on the couch
You deliver an ouch
“‘Best friend’s name’, I love you!”
“Ouch” indeed!
This one is original….
There once was a twinkle-twat slut
who set sights on an old married mutt
She shagged on his dong
even though it was wrong
till the wife put a foot up his butt.
Wife hauled his behind into court
And the judge said to him, “Old sport,
when you choose around to play
there is always a price to pay,
and you can’t screw around with a tort.
Beautiful.. Does Hallmark have a line of divorce cards?
It needed tweaking. The rhyme was OK, but meter and punctuation weren’t right.
Corrected version:
There once was a twinkle-twat slut
who set sights on an old married mutt.
She shagged on his dong
even though it was wrong
till the wife put a foot up his butt!
Wife hauled his behind into court;
And the judge said to him, “Old sport,
when around you do play
there’s a price you will pay;
and you can’t screw around with a tort.”
My favorite time of the year at Chumplady! It’s late, but I thought of one…
We hold hands, in love?
With a sneer, you disengage
And wipe hand on pants.
I like this one!
You kick so high, Watch!
Aerobics instructors love
French can-can dancers.
In-laws birthday bash
Driving, you smolder, fume, snap
We have arrived…Smile!
I only mean to do one…
Skanky and Spanky,
Universe united you,
Divorce done. Party over?
Darn, I was brushing my teeth and thought of another one…someone stop me!
Please, Please come back home.
Daisy Duke cut out…Here!
Misses you. Take her.
Bored, only work talk
Poor sausage, poor woeful you
Met O.W. — at work.
Blindsided one night
‘Tired of living a lie’
Ten years less, it’s Love
Long night was stormy
dawn shines bright, birds are chirping
Head up, I stand tall
Always did my best
Gloomy life unexpected
Humming nonstop now
Those are separate haikus, in cas it was not clear.
Should have placed lies between the lines
Arghh. “Lines” not lies; the exH is the liar, not me
Those are awesome, and actually work beautifully together to make one longer poem. I love it!
GiO,
I not noticed, they are a progression. Funny how the mind works.
I truly spend my day humming at work as I walk the hallways. I had no idea how unhappy I was until my new world opened up!
There once was a brutha from Prost
Who fled when She got diagnosed
He lost his “breastfeeding”
Took up with “bad breeding”
And now he must pay through the nose.
‘Til death do us part
Until he found a tart
Marriage vows for naught
I had to drop the gnat
And that’s how I got a fresh start.
There once was a boy named George
Who never grew up you see
It was all about him, him, him
I wasn’t just mother to three.
He raged, pouted, and cursed
When his lies I did not believe
He found a new source as bad as he is
And now all I feel is relief!
Me, too!
Pregnant and alone in California
Red flags abound, “Tried to warn ya!”
A double life in China
More than one willing vagina
Can’t wait ’til the day I don’t mourn ya
A rush to the head
Erstwhile never known conscience
Ma.Ni.Pu.La.Tion!
There was once a sad sack in mid-life,
whose needs weren’t being met by his wife,
he logged onto AM,
where he found a real gem,
a great plan– blended family with strife.
A wife, shrink, and a mistress his due
Yet: “I swear I’d never do that to you”
He’s a compulsive liar
A non-stop sexting crier.
So I took him to court and gave him something to really cry about.
Ha! Ha!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Elephants will fly
before I forgive you!
I wish I knew what to do
Sometimes I feel so blue
Can I hope in the karma bus
To smack that cheating cuss.
Arseholes that they are
Trust that they suck
Cos when it’s right
Your future will be bright
In heaven the angels all seen ya
making free with your charm and your wiener
then you took me hostage
with your lies – you poor sausage
now your lies, in my mind, have all killed ya.
Good one! Reading these makes me happy!
I’ve been lurking for a while. This site is wonderful. I happened upon it one night when I needed some positive reassurance. Even 5 years after D, you sometimes need to be reminded of what you came out of was way worse than where you’re headed. Now, let’s put a little southern comfort in this thang!
Ya done went an found ya another,
Cos yer home life started to smother.
Now its yer turn to crawl,
Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!
Hahaha! Gotta love Karma!
LIKE!!!
Like a lot
Brilliant
ROTFLAMO. Nothing like a little “Southern Comfort”–limerick style.
Love it!
I used to wonder how Jerry Springer found those crazy low life’s! We help him! I kid with my friends about I an acronym made up that I call a “JSM” A Jerry Springer moment…when someone goes “off the chain!”
Love love love this!
Another man’s wife
Serious kick in the teeth
At least I have mine
One of my favorites!
‘Wah! Wah! It was just a mistake!’
Oh really? Please give me a break
Well you’ll hit the roof
Now I tell you the truth
Each orgasm I had was a fake!
(Not really! – but Ha!
)
That’s great!
Pious Catholic fools
Matrimony had one rule
Burn in hell, cheaters
C hump and proud of it
H opeful again, recovering from the loneliest, 20 years of my life
E verything about you is fake
A nd you believe your own, self-serving hype
T oo many people know the weirdo behind your mask now
E gotistical asshat and selfish cheapskate
R elocate and start over, away from those of us who survived living with an epic liar.
Love it! I can relate so much!
The day you walked into work
To tell me you were leaving me
My world fell apart
For your newest skanky whore flirt
Three years moved on
Yep I trust that you suck
I am happy being me, and you??
I don’t give a fuck.
I married a conscienceless prick,
Who had no control of his dick,
When I could take it no more,
I walked out of the door,
Let him stay with the minister whore.
Perfect!
On the surface everyone thought him so nice
Alas the internet was his number 1 vice
He was “bored lonely and 40”
And ever so naughty
only an idiot would look at him twice
That “man” he won’t call his kids
Maybe the OW forbids?
He’ll need them oneday
Go away they’ll say
Then he’ll be back in the skids
Love it :-). Ain’t that the truth
You’re right this is very addictive:
My doctor said it’s common these days
For young girls to seek old married men.
They think if they can put up with their ways
They’ll have riches and be set up till his end.
Thank god I’m uncommon!
The OW is bisexual according to her profile.
Young enough for DD to call him a pedaphile.
She should have chased me if she wanted more
But instead is with him andhas ended up poor
While me and the kids finally have a life style
Yay, you!
naïve, a life dreamt
losing youth through tears boundless
scars fade ever slow
Your gas lighting made me a mess
Time and space requests oh I’m nauseous
I went on holiday
With our kids far away
And you spent the whole time with your mistress
Your journal I found explained all
I learned I was in for a fall
You pushed me from the cage
Watched me splat in your rage
What I saw in you I don’t recall
—-
Strange ring tones and funny phone bills
Revealed what you did for your thrills
You lied and lied
Then cried and cried
I’m glad you took off for the hills
—-
Shopping with me made you sick
With her it made your heart tick
You lying asshole
Many years you stole
Because of your wandering dick
—
He loved me but was not in love
He explained as he gave me a shove
But let’s still be friends
So his conscience can cleanse
Gaslighting I grew so sick of
Good one!!!
You want to be 20 again
Two kids and a mortgage restrain
So you start an affair
It’s true love you declare
Who cares that your family is in pain
Nothing in common
We had said he but they had
So much in common
Three months of no contact I’m done
I don’t cry for you daily, no none
No more trouble and strife
I’m no longer your wife
Screw you asshole, you haven’t won
We can still be friends
You’ve got to be kidding me
Don’t need friends like you
This is all your fault
Please let me pin this on you
It can’t be my fault
That young girl called again a toot toot
You saw her as your escape route
So quickly you fled
Off to her bed
Now your 50, with a baby, what a hoot!
A haiku to commemorate my brief reconciliation period:
We had plans for dinner
You arrived home at 10
With a doggy bag
That made me laugh!
Oops, they syllables aren’t right!
We had dinner plans
You arrived home after 10
With a doggy bag
There, that’s better. ;o)
*the syllables.
(Sheesh! I swear I’m not drunk! Just finished my move into my new house. Exhausted.)
You always told me,
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I guess your dick did…
Persnickety you,
Old, Fat, Dumb, Inferior
Not good enough me.
Persnickety!
– had to look that one up! – RobinLee – I really hope your last line meant not good enough FOR you! xx
He’s not good enough for me and none of those descriptions actually apply to me (though I could lose 30 pounds)…but the haiku is about 20 sad years of dysfunction. All over now….weeeee!
Twenty years of marriage, for what?
So, you could run off with some twat
But, I beat you to the bank
While you ran to your skank
Now, both of you poor bastards can rot
Hehe. Like!
Funny!
Dirt beneath your feet
I shifted, knocked you over
‘Quake revolution.
I like it!
Can’t help it. Here’s a limerick for a couple of guys who managed their extramarital fun in creative ways.
There once were two couples, good friends
Whose husbands went out for good ends
To pick up the beer
in a blizzard, oh dear
While wives cooked roast beef in suspense
When hours went by wives thought they died
For to call the men never tried
Midnight came they round
With happy drunk sound
Said their supper was chicken fried.
Work has been getting in the way of me writing a simple haiku, but finally!
Say goodbye to sex
Living in your mom’s basement
Should have been faithful
Yeah, my job keeps getting in the way of paying attention to ChumpLady, too!
A wolf in sheep’s clothing was he
Was married but felt he was free
Karma found him one day
And gave him a diseased lay
And now he has no dick to peepee
Sorry! I posted twice because it wasn’t going through and then I “tweaked” it a little the 2nd time.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing was he
Was married but felt he was free
Karma found him one day
‘N gave him a diseased lay
And now he has no dick to pee pee!
Hilarious!
Hon, your girlfriend is really a moocher,
While you’re lured by her lips and her smoocher,
You go up; she goes down
Fucking all over town
Guess it’s true that my past is her future!
“Guess it’s true that my past is her future!”
Love this!
Always adjusting your junk
Could never understand why
It’s clear now
Your dick is in your mind
So true. My ex was always touching and adjusting his junk during his “affair stage”
She used to hate guns and voted for Obama
Her new fiancé is a republican, takes her hunting, and calls her hot mama
Hauren’s got a gun and no longer a tree hugger
She’s a shape shifter, a fraud, and a liar
So glad she’s gone and don’t miss her drama
I like it, P.F.! HAHA!
I loved you for many a year
but all you brought was many a tear
you cheated you lied
well honey check out the mirror, wow you look fried
believe in karma, it is here.
There once was a doctor named Paul
Who shags around when he’s ‘on call’.
He was a shit spouse –
But I got the house
And he’s ended up with fuck all!
CL – seriously – can you please head this topic with a public health warning!
I CAN’T STOP READING IN LIMERICKS – this is seriously affecting my enjoyment of ‘Oscar and Lucinda’!!!!!
)
(Just look away dear Jayne
The meter is screwing your brain
Every time that you look
buggers up your new book
And is driving you damned near insane!
Last summer as we sat in our yard
you promised to love me but that was too hard
You promised to be true
but once again you left me so blue
well sit down and make a stiff drink
because your life wont always turn out like you think
but I’ll bet you will find somethings wont be too hard
Poor baby’s head hurts.
Aren’t you happy with the whore?
Let her wipe your brow.
Good one!
Love started sweet as candies
It ended with you giving handies
My Life has started anew
Breaking completely away from you
Ready for someone much more dandy
Exhibit A file
naked ass and cowboy hat
sweet stupidity
You stupid OW
He would never cheat on you
Your logic is flawed
There once was a pathological liar
Who could gaslight his wife what a friar
Such emotional abuse
Made his wife cut herself loose
Now he’s stuck with a home wrecking tyre
In the things that a cheater packs first
Not a plate or a glass or a shirt
But he remembered essential oil
and the sushi mat and foil
and in the driveway the remains got dispersed
As That girl said, “You can’t make this shit up”
My world, all I had:
marriage, house, heart, stuff – all gone
Diorama, crushed
And another haiku…..inspired by my ex trying to get me to reconcile and go back to him…..not a chance!
Fond memories? No.
You are something I survived
Kind of like cancer.
A sociopath you were born
So charming but parasitic and spawn
Now the whore can have you
I want nothing to do
I’d rather shack with a Parktown Prawn
gurgle needs edit function ….
Should read:
Now Twinkle Twat can have you
Here’s a call out to two of my favorite movies that show recovery after cheating and divorce. They’ve both inspired me and given me hope.
My house is not the one
Under the Tuscan Sun
Might seem remote
but my Hope Floats
For better days, laughter and fun
Another really good movie showing recovery after divorce is ‘You will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger’ with Anthony Hopkins. I rented it twice it was so good.
I’ll check it out. I need another good movie now that I pretty much have the first two memorized. lol
Keeping a spreadsheet
Of what you spent on your girl
Was sort of stupid
@JustSaying LOL!
Nice one
and leaving the wedding ring invoice laying about. I swear their brains get sucked out by aliens O_o
My ex, the entitled doctor, thought
His young secretary’s knockers were hot
Wife and kiddies shown the door
Popped viagra and married the whore
And now she spends all that he’s got
newlife,
That’s a really good one! HAHA!
The ex wanted kink night and day
So he found an AP who would play
Don’t mean to be banal,
But does she like anal?
No matter, he’d cheat either way
Husband the golfer was droll,
His girlfriend looked like a troll.
When Wife kicked him out,
Troll married the lout.
Now she gets to be 19th hole.
ChumpedTwice from above is now March.
Hardy-Har! Now she can worry about who’s “trip-trapping” across her Bridge!! LOL good one! The 20th hole is on the next course!
Wow, I can’t stop laughing at some of them…who knew that Us Chumps had so much talent. I see a ebook maybe? And inspiration for the future Chumps? Just an Idea…
Well here is my since I don’t like Roses and he always want to by me them
For my love and my broken heart.
Let me give you red rose . No more than that.
Go and break this rose how you broke my defenseless heart.
So by a rose your hands will be cut.
Reptilian eyes
Who is that looking at me?
Stranger to me now…
It’s hard to top the Tractor Supply jewelry TG.
There once was a man named Ted,
Who fancied himself as well bred,
Til his Cock took the wheel
and uncovered a Heel,
So I kicked his Ass out of my bed!
My handsome young groom was a fake,
He didn’t love me, he loved “cake,”
On my heart he did spit,
With his lies full of shit,
I had promised “I do” to a snake!
This is the true story of our 27th wedding anniversary last year. It took me till November 23rd to get him out of the house. Thank you, Chump Lady; I wish that I had found your site a year ago!
Our Anniversary was Valentine’s Day
You said that you couldn’t stay
But I thought you might roam
So I followed you home
To her house where you roll in the hay.
A long V-day poem, titled “Ashley Madison”; for the one who just left me (who I found trolling that site shortly after our baby was born a few years ago-).. PS – reconciliation with a serial cheater is a load of BS or as a friend put it, “why are you flushing your money down the toilet?” (on counseling)
I cried once before
Saw the plane ticket you bought her
But you said that you loved me
So I let you back in
I cried once again
When you found another friend
And you both texted all day
With your plans to run away
But I let you back in my heart
Tried the fresh start
Cause the only thing worse than being with you
Was being apart
I wept the next time
When I found you online
This time making dates
Meeting working girls out late
But we had a baby
And so call me crazy
But I wanted to pretend
You loved me more than Ashley Madison
I let you back in my heart
Tried the fresh start
Cause the only thing worse than being with you
Was being apart
You used our child as a pawn
So I could never move on
You begged to be let back in
And I gave in to you again
I even paid for the shrink
I should have stopped to think
Why the only thing worse than being with you
Was being apart
I’ll never be what you’re looking for
The one you just left me for
The one our son calls “daddy’s new friend”
Your new Ashley Madison
I thought I married a nice guy
Who would never cheat, deceive, hurt or lie
But apparently he was just pretending
Because he was a fraud with a double life he was tending
And all I wish is that he would just die
On Ashley Madison you went to have an affair
You are pathetic and worthless, with self esteem beyond repair
Pathetically, you think your love is for real
For someone you met on the $299 affair guarantee deal
I am disgusted by you, but I no longer care
Evil Stranger
The man I thought I married is apparently dead
He is actually a completely other person instead
This evil stranger is now my children’s Dad
I still have to deal with him and this makes me mad
Can I pay someone to drop an anvil on his head?
OMG I can’t stop….
I love it
It’s been ten years since d day
and back then I felt very dismayed
I raised the kids right
with no help in sight
They don’t speak to their father today
Now looking back in hindsight
I see that he wasn’t right
I am still healing now
to this day I have vowed
to spot the red flags and take flight!
it took nineteen years
to find out you once cheated
Surprise! your son’s here
This time last year we were ‘we’
And now here I sit as just ‘me’
You cheated and lied
I spackled and cried
But life’s better now that I’m free
Like
There once was a disordered man
Counted himself as his number one fan
He cheated on me
So I finally broke free
Bimbo can have the cowardly charlatan.
ARMY WIFE I AM YOU SEE (HOORAH)
FAITHFUL, BUT HE MADE A CHUMP OF ME (HOORAH)
FUCK HIM,FUCK HER, FUCK THE YELLOW RIBBONS
I’M BURNING DOWN THE TREE (HOORAH)
Bravo!!
With apologies to Snoop, Dr Dre, Vanilla Ice and angry Henry Rollins, let’s do this.
Wing Nut Rap
It’s like this it’s like that it’s like that it’s like this
The only time we saw eye to eye is when you were flat on your back
I was making love to you, you were planning your attack
Ring on your finger, vows that meant nothing, plan in motion, half of my money
Wait a minute Chump Nation, this shit aint that funny!
First it was your regret guy then it was Shrek
You lost your job your family your daughter, SW your life is a train wreck
You broke my heart, made me cry turned all the colors in my word blue
But now I’m living my life, hows it working out for you?
Let this be a cautionary tale to all you borderlines, sociopaths, narcissistic wing nuts
all
Whatever you gained in the moment, in the end you all fall
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and its character you all lack
I’m standing tall and proud with Chump Nation and none of us is ever.. coming.. back.
Peace out (throw mic to the ground)
Lmao..good one Eddie..
I need to change this verse to the X rated version:
You broke my heart, made me cry turned all the colors in my word blue
But now I’m living my life which is the best and biggest FUCK YOU!
Better.
Love that verse even better…made my day..thanks eddie
STANDING TALL WITH “CHUMP NATION”, NEVER COMMNG BACK..
“PEACE OUT”..( throw Mic to the ground)… LOVE IT..
MUCH BETTER! GREAT JOB EDDIE!!!
So after another horrific drunken return in the small hours of the morning, I couldn’t take any more. I left my three year old forced my 15 month old baby into his hands and walked out. He had to sober up pretty quickly to take care of them. I spent the day at the national art gallery on my own stating at one painting and writing. I left when they shut. It was snowing. Another Christmas ruined.
Thank goodness it’s finally over.
Entitled: Fate, National Gallery Dec 2009
Watercolour
I used to think we were fated
Mills and Boon had nothing on us
Now all I can think is
Why did you make such a fuss?
I used to think we were fated
Two teens entwined from the start
Then with a bottle
You went and smashed up my heart
I used to think we were fated
Distance meant nothing, miles were minute
These days I wish I could turn back time
Say no to the viper and replace the fruit
I used to think we were fated
We said ‘I do’ and cut the cake
We’re only still together because of the house
And for the children’s sake
I used to think we were fated
Turned a blind eye to the drink
At night I watch you wallow in it
Drowning, you sink
I used to think we were fated
Prayed to God to keep you well
When you don’t come home at night
I hope a stranger has sent you to hell
I used to think we were fated
As lovers we were simply the best
But now you want a whore in bed
You put me to the test
I used to think we were fated
It was us against the world
Now it’s just a battle
As your true colours unfurl
I used to think we were fated
You used to chase and charm me on the phone
At night you call up women
And masterbate alone
I used to think we were fated
Turned down many lucrative deals
Now we fight in the boardroom
Hurling words of sharpened steel
I used to think we were fated
Intoxicated by heat we gazed up at blue
Now I’m a mime stuck in a box
Trapped by walls without hue
I used to think we were fated
Each day without tears I cry
Each day I hope you’ll decide
To say farewell, goodbye
I used to think we were fated
Now I know Cupid gets it wrong
Destiny doesn’t matter
When misery lasts this long
I used to think we were fated
But we sing from different sheets
You keep on saying sorry
But your actions are stuck on repeat.