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The Second Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest

valentineWe’re getting an early start this year, chumps. It’s time again to send me your Infidelity Valentines!

During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! Just like last year’s contest, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winner gets a “meh” travel mug. (I ship internationally! Don’t be afraid to compete!) I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day and draw some accompanying cartoons. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

To inspire you, here are last year’s winners with cartoons:

notplanBLina 

“Nice guy” was only for show
You passive aggressive asshole
The children and me
Will NOT be “plan B”
I lied, sex was only so-so

ThatGirl

Christmas come and gone
Jewelry from Tractor Supply
Can’t make this shit up

tractorjewelry

 

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Toes touch something odd.
    What is this strange invader?
    Her thong in my bed.

    Man of Mystery —
    The smartest guy in the room?
    Left your phone open.

    Gaslight, blameshift, lie
    Where were you last Thursday?
    Trashbags now on lawn.

  • Inspired by my very last child support payment, made YESTERDAY, after years of payments. Child support is truly sucky when you’re writing the check to a cheater who has shacked up with a former affair partner and you KNOW the money isn’t going to the kids. But it’s fun to contemplate the pay cut looming for the cheater household budget.

    A check every month
    to subsidize their luuuuurve nest
    Chump change for cheaters.

    Your new poor life sucks
    like you in your boss’s car
    when we were married.

    Tape worms, ticks, and fleas
    only steal a little blood.
    Cheaters steal your life.

  • Had a virtuous wife who cared for me,
    Jumped ship and let her drift out to sea.
    She made port in friggin’ Hanalei,
    While I’m awash in my own HPV.

  • And some limericks:

    A cheater gave love that was fake
    Her lies made her husband’s heart break
    He heard through his pain
    Her unspoken refrain:
    “I *like*love–but I really love CAKE!”

    There once was a chump most complete
    Her true love would cheat and re-cheat.
    She found the Chumplady
    Saw how he was shady
    And kicked his dumb ass to the street.

  • We were married, and you said “I do”
    I was happily faithful to you
    But you fucked around
    I divorced you downtown
    Guess what? Now I get to date, too

  • I’m happy she walked into his life
    I can say I’m no longer his wife
    She will take him for more
    as she is a whore
    Now SHE is stuck with this lowlife!

  • You were never real.
    I loved an image; an act.
    The film is over.

    You said I was “lucky” to be with you;
    That all the women saw it too.
    But the truth set me free
    Now I hope you all see
    That my heart has healed; life is brand new.

  • You cheated and got all your thrills
    Now damage control is your drill
    Want our kids to feel
    Like it’s ‘no big deal’
    You think I won’t tell…but I will!

  • Rescue me cried the whorish dame,
    Sir Stud-less on the way
    Armed with his false tales.
    The Lady of his Manor quakes
    But does not break.
    Adultery is no gutsy.

  • Old guy at the bar.
    He’s an Irish band groupie!
    Thank God I left him.

    I can’t watch our daughter today.
    It’s my weekend but I need to play.
    Why can’t you see?
    I own the band’s t’s!
    Time with our child gets in my way.

  • You cry for what you have lost
    Paying no mind to the real cost
    I’m almost done paying
    For your indiscriminate laying
    Now you can go get tossed

  • One day you just left, for your whore
    My guts spilling out on the floor
    Now I’m not there to clean
    Ohhh…Life’s lost it’s sheen?
    Your problem! I’m your wife no more

  • He thought he perfected his tricks
    But cell tracking exposed him real quick
    His 2 am fuck
    Means he’s all out of luck
    I’m done GPS-ing his dick

    This is way too much fun!

  • My hubby 20 years, what a dick
    Gaslighted me till I’s sick
    Couldn’t control his linguica
    With a girl named “Theresa”
    Now a Nick and Rick, what a prick!

  • I was blissfully wrapped in your trance
    But then found your mistress from France
    Can’t decide between us, you say?
    Group sex makes for a better lay?
    So I cut out the crotches in your pants

  • I couldn’t survive if you went away,
    so I spackled, suffered and stayed.
    Then you fucked a ho-worker,
    Cause I wouldn’t act like your hooker.
    And surprise! I found my backbone – Hooray!

    The divorce is now finally done.
    I am free to be me and have fun!
    Heard your first whore has bailed,
    And the hook-ups have failed –
    I just smile as I bask in the sun.

  • You huff and you puff and you bluff:
    I’m so weak and you are so tough.
    Well, I’ve seen the light,
    and am doing what’s right.
    Your abuse finally wasn’t enough.

  • Being caught, Mr Fab and the Downgrade,
    The trauma and terror were downplayed
    The things that they did
    Have persuaded his kid
    They are truly matched shits of the same shade

  • The ink on the divorce papers is dry, barely
    The questions start, “Do you miss being married?
    With no sex in the night,
    is the “frustration real high”
    Nope! Just need to hit 5th gear on my Harley.

      • My older sister says that just plain old bicycles do this for her. She said this around my mom, who remarked that she felt somehow cheated!

        Maybe the Harley is the better option!

        • Any motorcycle has good vibrations, if you will. Just something about a Harley. Its freedom, its fun, you can ride when you want, where you want, for as long as you want, as fast or slow as you want – and when you’re done you park it and get off. 😉

  • Limerick: A Hate Song
    I worried when you cheated, you gave me an STD
    So I ran to the gyno at a high rate of speed.
    I checked out clean
    And divorced you mean
    Now I am working on my PhD.

    Limerick: A Hate Song II
    You left me alone to take care of your house
    Even though I was not deeded, I was just your damn spouse.
    While repairing your plumbing
    I saw something in the crawl space a-running
    And it was an effing mouse.

    I admit that I was not afraid
    It was another float in this fucked up parade.
    There was food in your suitcase
    As well as left over toothpaste
    You always treated me like a maid.

    When you walked out, you left dishes in the sink
    An uncleaned bathroom with a mucous crusted counter nearly put me over the brink.
    Your beard clippings on the commode
    And a septic tank about to explode
    Your hoarding requires a shrink.

    I hauled all your shit to the attic and the rest in that basement den
    Apparently I was married to a cheating bastard who wasn’t even housebroken.
    As for the mouse
    I brought a cat in the house
    I knew when I left, you would need a friend,

    Who understood all your “nocturnal” needs
    And overlook your disgusting misdeeds
    You can this mouse Gus
    Because your just a cuss
    Who never cuts grass or pulls weeds.

    I will admit I was sad the day I had to go
    It was not long before the neighbors said you moved in with your trusty hoe
    I left that house spotless
    Because in a matter of time your mess
    Would sooner your ass show.

    I sleep in on weekends now with one less toilet to scrub
    I soak most weeknights with a book in the tub
    She married a cheat
    Who was not neat
    One day she will join the Chump club.

  • DDay was two weeks before Christmas. On Christmas morning, ex handed me some unwrapped “gifts” that he had apparently purchased the night before at the local Rite-Aid.

    My gift from drugstore —
    Leopard print bedroom slippers.
    I hate leopard print.

    I had NEVER ONCE worn animal print during our 20 years together, totally not my look. He also handed me two pink, cheap washcloths and a child’s wool winter beanie. Freak.

  • Married life that was full of abuse
    Why leave when I was of such ‘use’
    You got dragged to the Judge
    I’m no longer your drudge
    It’s time for this girl to cut loose!

  • You claimed the fault belonged to me
    That you never reached your destiny
    Now you look like a boob
    Dancing in videos on YouTube
    You’ve become a homeless yeti

  • He’s trying to clean up his mess
    Feigning ‘sorry’ to me and the press
    Despite his theme song
    His odds are quite long
    Karma never forgets an address

  • There was a chump whose wife he didn’t really know
    Behind his back she would often go
    Save your tears
    I have no fear
    Out the damn door you go.

  • I was so nice
    You married me twice
    You had a fine life
    With a beautiful wife
    You thought you needed more
    So you ran off with a whore
    Now you’re with Jill
    And need the Blue Pill.

    hahaha!~!

  • It was just one little mistake
    Didn’t think you would mind if our wedding vows I did break
    OW threw herself on me, saying “why don’t I be your mistress?—want to try it?”
    You were too busy with our kids, work, & the house to feed me my kibble diet
    So why not fence sit & eat a little cake?

  • Though he cheated and left me with debt
    He’s thinks I’m not over him yet
    But I’ll be quite okay
    And look forward and pray
    For the Tuesday when I get to “meh”

  • Years ago you said you didn’t believe in divorce
    You didn’t say anything about being a whore of course
    You cheated and lied
    My false reality died
    Guess what, I believe in divorce
    ………………………………………………………………………………….

    You say I didn’t treat you special everyday
    You say I didn’t treat you like a queen everyday
    Your claim is lame
    I’m not playing your game
    You weren’t even that great of a lay.
    …………………………………………………………………………………

    Her farts were often and loud
    So much so, a teenager would be proud
    The blast was steady
    I thought your underwear was confetti
    Even the dog was wowed.

    • What is it with stinky cheaters? Mine farted constantly. Smelled like something died inside of him (his soul?!). It seems like a high proportion of cheater-narcs have stomach issues. Maybe cake doesn’t digest so well….

      • Yep, my ex has gas that is WAY beyond normal. He thinks it is hilarious to blast out the loudest, longest, smelliest farts, even while sitting at someone’s dinner table, in a movie theaters, out with friends. I’m so glad to be away from that, god. Of course, mine is the guy who sent a half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat to me while our divorce was in process, because he said it gave him gas. Freak.

      • The farts they did whistle,
        while the marriage did fizzle.

        Respect me, he did not.
        His gas was just another blot.

        The playmate I pity, as he is really quite shitty.
        But she has earned her place, as he farts in her face.

        Because clue-less they be, I am stink-less and free,
        and together they continue to rot.

      • My cheater has stomach issues, too, though he isn’t prone to flatulence. However, if anyone else happens to let one fly, he makes a big production out of it. I mean, come on, the dog farted, so what? They do that. The cats do, too, and even he does on occasion.

        Cake might not digest well, though. For a long time, he was worried about diarrhea. Apparently he really meant constipation, though I’m not sure how one confuses the two….

  • While married, he had it made
    Wife, kids, big house, and high pay
    Now his job is lost
    Insurance? Cut off
    Was she really that great of a lay?

      • DuckLinerUpper,
        That sounds EXACTLY like my ex. He has been out of a job for 5 months. We had it all too, just like you list. Now, it’s all in the crapper.

  • There once was an OW who had striped hair like a skunk
    She thought WH was such a hunk
    She didn’t care that he was married
    His ego kibbles she did feed
    Down to the sewer they both sunk.

  • You tried to pull me down the drain
    Then you pointed a gun at my brain
    So I put you away in the hospital
    You maintained you weren’t responsible
    Too bad, you are out in the rain

  • Poor sausage, he had a rough life
    Stuck with his sick, pregnant wife
    Dick too immature
    To ever endure
    A few weeks without sex every night

    Our sausage, he hatched quite a plan
    Create drama whenever he can
    So she’d give him some space
    To spend time face-to-face
    With Ms. Whorecunt, who wanted her man

    Crush my soul, then run out for a “beer”
    Taking “me” time to help his head “clear”
    Spend his time “at the bar”
    Jerking off in his car
    While he sexted one-handed, oh dear

    The chump who was me lay crying
    Every day feeling like dying
    He made me feel crazy
    Everything was so hazy
    But one thing was sure…he was lying

    “I don’t think I love you, I’ve been faking.”
    “Sorry if your heart seems to be breaking.”
    “But now I need time,
    To make up my mind,
    Some decisions I need to be making.”

    “So, I’m taking off for a few days.
    I’ll think my way out of my malaise.
    But I can’t do it here
    So, please be a dear,
    And don’t worry, it’s all just a phase.

    A chump is a chump, but she’s bright
    Technology fits her just right
    “Of course you can go!”
    What he didn’t know
    His phone had been hacked in the night.

    Now Sausage has been shown the door
    My God, but he’s gonna be poor
    I’ve got the kids AND his truck
    And oh YES, the side fuck?
    Whorecunt dumped him, ’cause she “deserves more!”

  • The Douche and The Whore were having lots of fun
    They connected, she ” got him”, they basked in the sun
    But he forgot who paid his phone bill, must have slipped his mind
    His father-in-law unearthed the truth and his family status was immediately redefined
    Alas The Whore finished with her game, and she left him in a mad dash
    12 years of my happiness, gone in a flash

  • Husband’s mistress was once from Nantucket
    She was called, by one and all, Big Butt McFuckit
    ‘Cause she, just like the arches at McDonald’s say,
    serviced two billion men – quite the exponential lay
    Yet with her big ass, and husband’s big gut, all she could do was suck it.

  • There once was a chump named Berdawn
    Whose ex just just couldn’t get gone
    So packed up his shite
    Morning and night
    And left all that crap on his lawn

    Holy fucking shit
    It’s the trite I can’t believe
    Your college girlfriend?

  • From the very beginning when I believed every word you said
    I had no way of knowing that you were oh so sick in the head

    But it became so clear to me the more that time passed by
    That everything you ever said was nothing but a lie

    So for all the times you spent our money on whoring around with a stripper
    I wish you just as many times that your balls get stuck in your zipper

    And for all the years wasted that you played me for a sucker
    Just know that I’m happy now you stupid motherfucker.

  • I should of known something was up
    When I saw him in the buff
    Those bright ginger pubes were missing
    And I said “who’ve you been kissing?”

    * please note my nothing against gingers disclaimer 🙂

  • I thought we lived in Downton Abbey.
    But we really lived in Grouse Meadows.
    Good enough for me but guess not for you.

    We honeymooned at the Tropicana in Vegas
    With room service and mirrors on the ceiling
    And had Turbo Sex that left us breathless

    Fast Forward Five years later….
    February 19th … caught you at the Econo Lodge
    Downtown seedy Spokane Third Street
    Fucking her

    Broke. My. Heart. In. A. Million. Little. Pieces.

  • Supposedly found his one true love,
    yet he still lied and chased others,
    when she was always by his side…
    He kept her in the dark with his endless lies,
    She didn’t see it at first what a slithering snake that he really was,
    Eventually thick veil lifted, the fog cleared, the sky bluer than it ever was,
    Then she was able to see, what a truly bullshitting liar that he really was..

  • I can’t take credit for this one because I’ve heard it before…. but have a good chuckle anyway!!

    There once was a lady who found
    That her husband was f**king around.
    She put some strychnine
    Into his glass of wine,
    And buried his ass in the ground.

  • First post. Yes, this actually happened Valentine’s Day 2013.

    Valentine dinner consumed,
    Pot & Tequila misused
    Passed out on the couch
    You deliver an ouch
    “‘Best friend’s name’, I love you!”

  • This one is original….

    There once was a twinkle-twat slut
    who set sights on an old married mutt
    She shagged on his dong
    even though it was wrong
    till the wife put a foot up his butt.

    Wife hauled his behind into court
    And the judge said to him, “Old sport,
    when you choose around to play
    there is always a price to pay,
    and you can’t screw around with a tort.

      • It needed tweaking. The rhyme was OK, but meter and punctuation weren’t right.

        Corrected version:

        There once was a twinkle-twat slut
        who set sights on an old married mutt.
        She shagged on his dong
        even though it was wrong
        till the wife put a foot up his butt!

        Wife hauled his behind into court;
        And the judge said to him, “Old sport,
        when around you do play
        there’s a price you will pay;
        and you can’t screw around with a tort.”

  • My favorite time of the year at Chumplady! It’s late, but I thought of one…

    We hold hands, in love?
    With a sneer, you disengage
    And wipe hand on pants.

  • Darn, I was brushing my teeth and thought of another one…someone stop me!

    Please, Please come back home.
    Daisy Duke cut out…Here!
    Misses you. Take her.

  • Bored, only work talk
    Poor sausage, poor woeful you
    Met O.W. — at work.

    Blindsided one night
    ‘Tired of living a lie’
    Ten years less, it’s Love

    Long night was stormy
    dawn shines bright, birds are chirping
    Head up, I stand tall

    Always did my best
    Gloomy life unexpected
    Humming nonstop now

  • There once was a brutha from Prost
    Who fled when She got diagnosed
    He lost his “breastfeeding”
    Took up with “bad breeding”
    And now he must pay through the nose.

  • ‘Til death do us part
    Until he found a tart
    Marriage vows for naught
    I had to drop the gnat
    And that’s how I got a fresh start.

  • There once was a boy named George
    Who never grew up you see
    It was all about him, him, him
    I wasn’t just mother to three.

    He raged, pouted, and cursed
    When his lies I did not believe
    He found a new source as bad as he is
    And now all I feel is relief!

  • Pregnant and alone in California
    Red flags abound, “Tried to warn ya!”
    A double life in China
    More than one willing vagina
    Can’t wait ’til the day I don’t mourn ya

  • There was once a sad sack in mid-life,
    whose needs weren’t being met by his wife,
    he logged onto AM,
    where he found a real gem,
    a great plan– blended family with strife.

  • A wife, shrink, and a mistress his due
    Yet: “I swear I’d never do that to you”
    He’s a compulsive liar
    A non-stop sexting crier.
    So I took him to court and gave him something to really cry about.

  • I wish I knew what to do
    Sometimes I feel so blue
    Can I hope in the karma bus
    To smack that cheating cuss.

    Arseholes that they are
    Trust that they suck
    Cos when it’s right
    Your future will be bright

  • In heaven the angels all seen ya
    making free with your charm and your wiener
    then you took me hostage
    with your lies – you poor sausage
    now your lies, in my mind, have all killed ya.

  • I’ve been lurking for a while. This site is wonderful. I happened upon it one night when I needed some positive reassurance. Even 5 years after D, you sometimes need to be reminded of what you came out of was way worse than where you’re headed. Now, let’s put a little southern comfort in this thang!

    Ya done went an found ya another,
    Cos yer home life started to smother.
    Now its yer turn to crawl,
    Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
    Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!

    Hahaha! Gotta love Karma! 🙂

  • ‘Wah! Wah! It was just a mistake!’
    Oh really? Please give me a break
    Well you’ll hit the roof
    Now I tell you the truth
    Each orgasm I had was a fake!

    (Not really! – but Ha! 🙂 )

  • C hump and proud of it
    H opeful again, recovering from the loneliest, 20 years of my life
    E verything about you is fake
    A nd you believe your own, self-serving hype
    T oo many people know the weirdo behind your mask now
    E gotistical asshat and selfish cheapskate
    R elocate and start over, away from those of us who survived living with an epic liar.

  • The day you walked into work
    To tell me you were leaving me
    My world fell apart
    For your newest skanky whore flirt

    Three years moved on
    Yep I trust that you suck
    I am happy being me, and you??
    I don’t give a fuck.

  • I married a conscienceless prick,
    Who had no control of his dick,
    When I could take it no more,
    I walked out of the door,
    Let him stay with the minister whore.

  • On the surface everyone thought him so nice
    Alas the internet was his number 1 vice
    He was “bored lonely and 40”
    And ever so naughty
    only an idiot would look at him twice

  • That “man” he won’t call his kids
    Maybe the OW forbids?
    He’ll need them oneday
    Go away they’ll say
    Then he’ll be back in the skids

  • You’re right this is very addictive:

    My doctor said it’s common these days
    For young girls to seek old married men.
    They think if they can put up with their ways
    They’ll have riches and be set up till his end.
    Thank god I’m uncommon!

  • The OW is bisexual according to her profile.
    Young enough for DD to call him a pedaphile.
    She should have chased me if she wanted more
    But instead is with him andhas ended up poor
    While me and the kids finally have a life style

  • Your gas lighting made me a mess
    Time and space requests oh I’m nauseous
    I went on holiday
    With our kids far away
    And you spent the whole time with your mistress

  • Your journal I found explained all
    I learned I was in for a fall
    You pushed me from the cage
    Watched me splat in your rage
    What I saw in you I don’t recall
    —-

    Strange ring tones and funny phone bills
    Revealed what you did for your thrills
    You lied and lied
    Then cried and cried
    I’m glad you took off for the hills
    —-

    Shopping with me made you sick
    With her it made your heart tick
    You lying asshole
    Many years you stole
    Because of your wandering dick

    He loved me but was not in love
    He explained as he gave me a shove
    But let’s still be friends
    So his conscience can cleanse
    Gaslighting I grew so sick of

  • You want to be 20 again
    Two kids and a mortgage restrain
    So you start an affair
    It’s true love you declare
    Who cares that your family is in pain

  • Three months of no contact I’m done
    I don’t cry for you daily, no none
    No more trouble and strife
    I’m no longer your wife
    Screw you asshole, you haven’t won

  • That young girl called again a toot toot
    You saw her as your escape route
    So quickly you fled
    Off to her bed
    Now your 50, with a baby, what a hoot!

  • A haiku to commemorate my brief reconciliation period:

    We had plans for dinner
    You arrived home at 10
    With a doggy bag

  • Oops, they syllables aren’t right!

    We had dinner plans
    You arrived home after 10
    With a doggy bag

    There, that’s better. ;o)

    • Persnickety! 😀 – had to look that one up! – RobinLee – I really hope your last line meant not good enough FOR you! xx

      • He’s not good enough for me and none of those descriptions actually apply to me (though I could lose 30 pounds)…but the haiku is about 20 sad years of dysfunction. All over now….weeeee!

  • Twenty years of marriage, for what?
    So, you could run off with some twat
    But, I beat you to the bank
    While you ran to your skank
    Now, both of you poor bastards can rot

  • Can’t help it. Here’s a limerick for a couple of guys who managed their extramarital fun in creative ways.

    There once were two couples, good friends
    Whose husbands went out for good ends
    To pick up the beer
    in a blizzard, oh dear
    While wives cooked roast beef in suspense

    When hours went by wives thought they died
    For to call the men never tried
    Midnight came they round
    With happy drunk sound
    Said their supper was chicken fried.

  • Work has been getting in the way of me writing a simple haiku, but finally!

    Say goodbye to sex
    Living in your mom’s basement
    Should have been faithful

  • A wolf in sheep’s clothing was he
    Was married but felt he was free
    Karma found him one day
    And gave him a diseased lay
    And now he has no dick to peepee

  • A wolf in sheep’s clothing was he
    Was married but felt he was free
    Karma found him one day
    ‘N gave him a diseased lay
    And now he has no dick to pee pee!

  • Hon, your girlfriend is really a moocher,
    While you’re lured by her lips and her smoocher,
    You go up; she goes down
    Fucking all over town
    Guess it’s true that my past is her future!

  • She used to hate guns and voted for Obama
    Her new fiancé is a republican, takes her hunting, and calls her hot mama
    Hauren’s got a gun and no longer a tree hugger
    She’s a shape shifter, a fraud, and a liar
    So glad she’s gone and don’t miss her drama

  • I loved you for many a year
    but all you brought was many a tear
    you cheated you lied
    well honey check out the mirror, wow you look fried
    believe in karma, it is here.

  • There once was a doctor named Paul
    Who shags around when he’s ‘on call’.
    He was a shit spouse –
    But I got the house
    And he’s ended up with fuck all!

  • CL – seriously – can you please head this topic with a public health warning!

    I CAN’T STOP READING IN LIMERICKS – this is seriously affecting my enjoyment of ‘Oscar and Lucinda’!!!!!
    😀
    (Just look away dear Jayne
    The meter is screwing your brain
    Every time that you look
    buggers up your new book
    And is driving you damned near insane! 😀 )

  • Last summer as we sat in our yard
    you promised to love me but that was too hard
    You promised to be true
    but once again you left me so blue
    well sit down and make a stiff drink
    because your life wont always turn out like you think
    but I’ll bet you will find somethings wont be too hard

  • Love started sweet as candies
    It ended with you giving handies
    My Life has started anew
    Breaking completely away from you
    Ready for someone much more dandy

  • You stupid OW
    He would never cheat on you
    Your logic is flawed

    There once was a pathological liar
    Who could gaslight his wife what a friar
    Such emotional abuse
    Made his wife cut herself loose
    Now he’s stuck with a home wrecking tyre

  • In the things that a cheater packs first
    Not a plate or a glass or a shirt
    But he remembered essential oil
    and the sushi mat and foil
    and in the driveway the remains got dispersed

    As That girl said, “You can’t make this shit up”

    • And another haiku…..inspired by my ex trying to get me to reconcile and go back to him…..not a chance!

      Fond memories? No.
      You are something I survived
      Kind of like cancer.

  • A sociopath you were born
    So charming but parasitic and spawn
    Now the whore can have you
    I want nothing to do
    I’d rather shack with a Parktown Prawn

  • Here’s a call out to two of my favorite movies that show recovery after cheating and divorce. They’ve both inspired me and given me hope.

    My house is not the one
    Under the Tuscan Sun
    Might seem remote
    but my Hope Floats
    For better days, laughter and fun

    • Another really good movie showing recovery after divorce is ‘You will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger’ with Anthony Hopkins. I rented it twice it was so good. 🙂

  • @JustSaying LOL!

    Nice one
    and leaving the wedding ring invoice laying about. I swear their brains get sucked out by aliens O_o

  • My ex, the entitled doctor, thought
    His young secretary’s knockers were hot
    Wife and kiddies shown the door
    Popped viagra and married the whore
    And now she spends all that he’s got

  • The ex wanted kink night and day
    So he found an AP who would play
    Don’t mean to be banal,
    But does she like anal?
    No matter, he’d cheat either way

  • Husband the golfer was droll,
    His girlfriend looked like a troll.
    When Wife kicked him out,
    Troll married the lout.
    Now she gets to be 19th hole.

  • Wow, I can’t stop laughing at some of them…who knew that Us Chumps had so much talent. I see a ebook maybe? And inspiration for the future Chumps? Just an Idea… 🙂

    Well here is my since I don’t like Roses and he always want to by me them 🙁

    For my love and my broken heart.
    Let me give you red rose . No more than that.
    Go and break this rose how you broke my defenseless heart.
    So by a rose your hands will be cut.

  • There once was a man named Ted,
    Who fancied himself as well bred,
    Til his Cock took the wheel
    and uncovered a Heel,
    So I kicked his Ass out of my bed!

  • My handsome young groom was a fake,
    He didn’t love me, he loved “cake,”
    On my heart he did spit,
    With his lies full of shit,
    I had promised “I do” to a snake!

  • This is the true story of our 27th wedding anniversary last year. It took me till November 23rd to get him out of the house. Thank you, Chump Lady; I wish that I had found your site a year ago!

    Our Anniversary was Valentine’s Day
    You said that you couldn’t stay
    But I thought you might roam
    So I followed you home
    To her house where you roll in the hay.

  • A long V-day poem, titled “Ashley Madison”; for the one who just left me (who I found trolling that site shortly after our baby was born a few years ago-).. PS – reconciliation with a serial cheater is a load of BS or as a friend put it, “why are you flushing your money down the toilet?” (on counseling)

    I cried once before
    Saw the plane ticket you bought her
    But you said that you loved me
    So I let you back in

    I cried once again
    When you found another friend
    And you both texted all day
    With your plans to run away

    But I let you back in my heart
    Tried the fresh start
    Cause the only thing worse than being with you
    Was being apart

    I wept the next time
    When I found you online
    This time making dates
    Meeting working girls out late

    But we had a baby
    And so call me crazy
    But I wanted to pretend
    You loved me more than Ashley Madison

    I let you back in my heart
    Tried the fresh start
    Cause the only thing worse than being with you
    Was being apart

    You used our child as a pawn
    So I could never move on
    You begged to be let back in
    And I gave in to you again

    I even paid for the shrink
    I should have stopped to think
    Why the only thing worse than being with you
    Was being apart

    I’ll never be what you’re looking for
    The one you just left me for
    The one our son calls “daddy’s new friend”
    Your new Ashley Madison

  • I thought I married a nice guy
    Who would never cheat, deceive, hurt or lie
    But apparently he was just pretending
    Because he was a fraud with a double life he was tending
    And all I wish is that he would just die

  • On Ashley Madison you went to have an affair
    You are pathetic and worthless, with self esteem beyond repair
    Pathetically, you think your love is for real
    For someone you met on the $299 affair guarantee deal
    I am disgusted by you, but I no longer care

  • Evil Stranger

    The man I thought I married is apparently dead
    He is actually a completely other person instead
    This evil stranger is now my children’s Dad
    I still have to deal with him and this makes me mad
    Can I pay someone to drop an anvil on his head?

    OMG I can’t stop….

  • It’s been ten years since d day
    and back then I felt very dismayed
    I raised the kids right
    with no help in sight
    They don’t speak to their father today

    Now looking back in hindsight
    I see that he wasn’t right
    I am still healing now
    to this day I have vowed
    to spot the red flags and take flight!

  • This time last year we were ‘we’
    And now here I sit as just ‘me’
    You cheated and lied
    I spackled and cried
    But life’s better now that I’m free

  • There once was a disordered man
    Counted himself as his number one fan
    He cheated on me
    So I finally broke free
    Bimbo can have the cowardly charlatan.

  • ARMY WIFE I AM YOU SEE (HOORAH)
    FAITHFUL, BUT HE MADE A CHUMP OF ME (HOORAH)
    FUCK HIM,FUCK HER, FUCK THE YELLOW RIBBONS
    I’M BURNING DOWN THE TREE (HOORAH)

  • With apologies to Snoop, Dr Dre, Vanilla Ice and angry Henry Rollins, let’s do this.

    Wing Nut Rap

    It’s like this it’s like that it’s like that it’s like this
    The only time we saw eye to eye is when you were flat on your back
    I was making love to you, you were planning your attack

    Ring on your finger, vows that meant nothing, plan in motion, half of my money
    Wait a minute Chump Nation, this shit aint that funny!

    First it was your regret guy then it was Shrek
    You lost your job your family your daughter, SW your life is a train wreck

    You broke my heart, made me cry turned all the colors in my word blue
    But now I’m living my life, hows it working out for you?

    Let this be a cautionary tale to all you borderlines, sociopaths, narcissistic wing nuts
    all
    Whatever you gained in the moment, in the end you all fall

    What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and its character you all lack
    I’m standing tall and proud with Chump Nation and none of us is ever.. coming.. back.

    Peace out (throw mic to the ground)

  • So after another horrific drunken return in the small hours of the morning, I couldn’t take any more. I left my three year old forced my 15 month old baby into his hands and walked out. He had to sober up pretty quickly to take care of them. I spent the day at the national art gallery on my own stating at one painting and writing. I left when they shut. It was snowing. Another Christmas ruined.
    Thank goodness it’s finally over.

    Entitled: Fate, National Gallery Dec 2009
    Watercolour

    I used to think we were fated
    Mills and Boon had nothing on us
    Now all I can think is
    Why did you make such a fuss?

    I used to think we were fated
    Two teens entwined from the start
    Then with a bottle
    You went and smashed up my heart

    I used to think we were fated
    Distance meant nothing, miles were minute
    These days I wish I could turn back time
    Say no to the viper and replace the fruit

    I used to think we were fated
    We said ‘I do’ and cut the cake
    We’re only still together because of the house
    And for the children’s sake

    I used to think we were fated
    Turned a blind eye to the drink
    At night I watch you wallow in it
    Drowning, you sink

    I used to think we were fated
    Prayed to God to keep you well
    When you don’t come home at night
    I hope a stranger has sent you to hell

    I used to think we were fated
    As lovers we were simply the best
    But now you want a whore in bed
    You put me to the test

    I used to think we were fated
    It was us against the world
    Now it’s just a battle
    As your true colours unfurl

    I used to think we were fated
    You used to chase and charm me on the phone
    At night you call up women
    And masterbate alone

    I used to think we were fated
    Turned down many lucrative deals
    Now we fight in the boardroom
    Hurling words of sharpened steel

    I used to think we were fated
    Intoxicated by heat we gazed up at blue
    Now I’m a mime stuck in a box
    Trapped by walls without hue

    I used to think we were fated
    Each day without tears I cry
    Each day I hope you’ll decide
    To say farewell, goodbye

    I used to think we were fated
    Now I know Cupid gets it wrong
    Destiny doesn’t matter
    When misery lasts this long

    I used to think we were fated
    But we sing from different sheets
    You keep on saying sorry
    But your actions are stuck on repeat.

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