This post was suggested a few days ago and I thought it a good topic, as you see this dynamic all the time — the way the cheater devalues you and it shows with their craptacular gifts, or their incredible cheapness when it comes to real life grownup expenses. They tip badly, they make you drive crappy used cars (with flashing engine lights), they recycle engagement rings (or give you fakes), they give you their half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat. You guys have some awesome material out there, I know it!
The flip side of this of course, is the magnificent generosity they indulge in themselves and with their affair partners. And how they try to convince chumps that this flamboyant lopsidedness is Right and Normal. It’s good to be King/Queen.
My husband once told me that in 22 years of marriage to a cheater the best gift he ever received (and he was serious, he really enjoyed this gift — it was the BEST!) was a set of screwdrivers.
Contrast that with my tie-dyed license plate cover. Yes, we’re epic chumps.
Of course his ex, like my ex, spent a prolific amount on all sorts of gadgetry and gewgaws for herself. Boy, nothing says entitlement like the finances, huh?
Now I know some of you are going to write and say, no your cheater was terrifically generous, always sent flowers, pulled their own weight, and one day was abducted by aliens and ran off with the affair partner. Okay, you didn’t have a cheap cheater (but I’d wonder — did you look at all the credit card statements?) Today’s How Cheap Is Your Cheater? isn’t for you.
So tell me, what Stupid Cheap Shit did your cheater do? And what was the contrast to how they treated themselves?
During his affair but before dday, my ex graced me with his last minute, drug-store valentine’s gift – a horribly tacky, plastic, mechanical-blooming rose. It didn’t so much bloom, it creaked with the sound of cheap plastic scraping together. Not only was this a last-minute consolation prize, it also showed how little he really knew me, since I would never like something like that. Ever.
Didn’t help that he was treating me like crap during this time period, and tossed me this gem on his way out the door to see the OW (who I guarantee, got a better & heartfelt v-day gift). Ugggh!
Love it! Last Valentine’s Day before D-Day I thought it was great that I got a dozen roses. Turns out his GF got jewelry that cost $1,700.00 and dinner at the most romantic (and expensive) restaurant in our city.
The best thing about the discovery process in the divorce was finding out all the places the ex took schmoopie to keep her happy while waiting for the 2 and 1/2 year process to work itself out (my fault for dragging it out). I looked up every single one on the internet and if they had a website, I emailed him and asked him for a restaurant review or recommendation on which rose petaled strewn boudoir was best. Drove him crazy.
No, he never took me to places like that ever.
My cheating ExH was cheap but deceptively so. On the surface he bought me very nice gifts, on the surface. It wasn’t until the dust all settled that I realized I in fact had been financing everything all along.
Examples:
My rings. He took me to the jewelry store so I could pick them out myself. I kept asking him what his budget was. He said “what every you want!” as he and the salesman steered towards the expensive rings. I got a very fancy ring set, he got the store credit card to pay for it. After we got married he stopped paying the bill, and I, the responsible one picked up the payments.
When we went on vacation he always insisted that we have the best room, eat the best places, etc. His favorite vacation spot was Vegas. He would order “us” champagne, room service, etc and charge it to the room. Guess who paid for the room and airfare? Me.
He bought me a fur coat one Xmas as a guilt gift for all the repeat cheating. He charged it on the credit card that was paid out of the household bill fund.
Speaking of the household bill fund…he made nearly 6 figures yearly. I put my whole check, minus my car payment into the household bill account. Him? After he skimmed off the top to pay for his sports team season tickets, very large contribution to his retirement fund (which he regularly withdrew money from to do god knows what with), and spending money into his own personal checking account – that left him contributing on average about 10 or 15% of his biweekly pay to the household to help pay the mortgage, other bills, groceries, etc.
He is the poster boy for cheap WS. Only I was too chumpy to see past what he wanted me to see.
“When we went on vacation he always insisted that we have the best room, eat the best places, etc. His favorite vacation spot was Vegas. He would order “us” champagne, room service, etc and charge it to the room. Guess who paid for the room and airfare? Me.”
Yes, this!!! Mine did this, too!!! It was so infuriating!
His MO was to say things like “Well, I bought you that nice such-and-such, so I’m going to need you to pay all of the mortgage this month.” Even when I ended up paying at least half the bill for the such-and-such in the first place!! So i doubly paid for his “gift”!
Doesn’t it just frost your hair that they got away with that?
I’ve been divorced for months now and I’m still pretty pissed about it now that I see it so clearly. Mostly I’m mad at myself for being so chumpy that I fell for that bait and switch game.
How un-original they are.
My exH never bought me a gift; but for our daughter (4 or 5 at the time) two great example of cheap, disordered gift giving:
She had seen a Dora the Explorer doll at WalMart – he’d never gotten her a gift before (I did all the shopping), so he took my credit card back to WM (leaving the birthday party – he was gone for hours…hmmmm) and showed up after the party was over with the doll, “Look what DADDY got you princess!” Of course it was paid for by me, but that didn’t matter. She still has that doll. She’s 11. So sad.
A few months later, he showed up from one of his overseas trips to “visit his dying mother” (she wasn’t even sick) with a stuffed husky dog. I’m sure that it was a surprise from the OW (he seemed completely freaked out when he pulled it out of his suitcase – he hated dogs and stuffed animals and she had husky dogs on her FB profile picture…) but of course our 5 year old daughter thought the dog was for her. “Look princess, DADDY brought your a prsent!” So daughter is so very happy and excited, and takes the dog to bed with her that night to cuddle… and when I tuck her in, I notice that the dog smells STONGLY of woman’s perfume. Nothing like passing off a skank-scented gift from your whore to your 5 year old kid so she can sleep with it. I’m almost gagging thinking about it. Blech. And of course, she still has that dog too. Two gifts from her dad in her whole life – neither one real. Sad, twisted, cheap bastard he is.
IMO, this crap that sucks in the kids is the worst.
Repulsive beyond words. Should be criminal.
Pos…garbage.
What is it with drug stores? My STBX often stopped off at the drug store on the way home to buy me gifts on holidays. My favorite was a folding umbrella for my birthday.
Since we separated, he has now passed this tradition on to the kids. He bought me a pair of socks at Walgreen and had the kids (age 22 and 14) give them to me last year. And this year, it was a cheap kid’s necklace. The kids were mortified. (And by the way, he is a surgeon).
But my very very favorite cheap thing he did was one time when I was dropping off my son for visitation, he offered me his doggy bag from his lunch out with his parents earlier in the day.
Mine does the doggy bag and drugstore thing too. We are still together but I’m starting to wonder about him. For my bday he basically forgot then went to the store and returned with a $25 gift card to red lobster and scratch offs. I HATE scratch offs and I have told him this a lot. I’ve told him how I hate when people give them as gifts they might as well spend money on a gift card. Then he lied and told me his parents bought me the scratch offs and gift card. So then I was even more angry! He bought me nothing? Then he said it was him who bought it not them. Idk what to think really. But this is after 7 long years together. I don’t look forward to any holiday or bday because he cheaps out and gives me nothing. Completely unromantic. And the engagement ring he just bought? It was under $100 the tiniest diamond chip I’ve ever seen. A spec about 1mm big. Never seen an engagement solitaire that small before in my life! When I googled smallest engagement ring ever it came up. This was a ring he told me he was “saving for” for 4 years and that’s why he wouldn’t buy me presents. Is this guy cheating?
Oh and about the doggy bag thing. He brings home his leftovers from fancy lunches and breakfasts he has at work for me to eat. At first I was fine with it but then it started getting ridiculous. The amount of money he spends on food there is insane. Expensive food too. And then he has the audacity to give me what’s left. No romance
Ok, I can’t comment for myself on this one.
But a friend of mine organized a b-day get-together at a restaurant. Cheater made a huge deal about welcoming people as if he had organized it, and ordered wine for all–more than once.
Then, right before the check, said the teen-aged daughter “wanted to go home”, stiffed my friend with the check on her birthday, dropped off the daughter, and went of to see OW.
We buy me an 8-yr-old Volkswagen Beetle for 8k. He gets a brand new Toyota FJ for around 30k.
We buy my Northface mountain bike on sale at Dick’s for $350.00. He orders his special deal for 2k.
I always took the POS for birthday dinners, heck one was week before his actual birthday day, so I paid like an early birthday dinner, then on his actual birthday we went out to dinner again and he pushed the check to me(which he always did anyways, fucking SPONGE!!) and said thank you for my birthday dinner, oh BTW he ran up the tab and ordered $5.00 drinks and everything else like there was no tomorrow, (its his birthday after all) then 3 months later it was my birthday dinner, here we are and he is running the tab again, I figured hey he will pay for it, then comes the check, he says he is broke and he is only paying for half of it, which he did, so on my birthday 50/50 dinner I end up paying some portion of his because he ran the tab up! And even though he got gifts from me on his birthday, he got me nothing for my birthday, claiming he was broke and 2 weeks later he bought himself a toy, for $1400.00 cash, secretly. Broke my ass!! That was the year I was on to him and we were having problems because of all the lying and other shit. Then when he wanted something he will go back to that “I was the love of his life”, yeah whatever! Mother fucker that still pisses me off!!
I always enjoyed birthday celebrations and always tried to make sure my husband had a good one. Several times I threw him surprise parties, made his special favorite pineapple upside down cake year after year, hung balloons, etc. He never once returned the favor by throwing me a party, and most years he seemed to always have to travel for business on my birthday. He wasn’t there for my milestone birthdays. Eventually I started throwing parties for myself and inviting my coworkers and girlfriends. I decided that although my birthday didn’t seem important to him, it was certainly important to me.
Oh, I forgot that once he was in town on my birthday. We were driving through town and he suddenly stopped the car in front of a dime store and asked me to wait in the car while he and the boys went inside. He came out with a birthday card and tossed it in my lap. Happy birthday to me.
what an ass.
Man did you hit the nail on the head. Entitlement? My douchbag ex wracked up $175K in credit card debt utilizing both his cards, our joint cards and (yes – I was a mega chump) cards in MY name only. Because “I’m 40 – I deserve a nice vacation.” “I’m 45 – I work hard and at this point in life deserve to drive a Cadillac.” And so on. By the time I got wise – the financial situation was ruinous and he was in year 4 of his gym teacher affair.
YES – nothing shows entitlement disorders more than a bank account and credit score.
BTW – my last “big” Christmas gift before D-Day? Two of the ugliest fake reindeer I’d ever seen – coated in dyed rabbit (God, I hope it was rabbit) fur. Because I liked deer. 25 years of marriage…….
Flash forward to now – Mr. Crappola gift giver/SpendaLot has been discharged from his bankruptcy, is living off the OW/fiance (he actually asked my daughters if they wanted to see a picture of the ring) and, in the continued stupidity with money – has cashed in a large part of his TSA in order to – get this – get married in BARBADOS where he is renting a private beachfront villa for him, the OW, her two kids and whomever they are sleeping with currently and – had they not immediately shot him down when he asked – my children. FOR TEN DAYS. IN HIGH SEASON IN DECEMBER.
From BANKRUPTCY in 2012 to spending – at my best guess (he offered to pay for everyone’s airfare, food, passports, etc, as well) $20K in order to get married for the third time in a private villa in the Caribbean .
My youngest’s description was the best – she said his money handling was just plain disgusting. I think he just may win the crown for “most entitled, destructive Asshole” EVER. Thoughts?
Well, cheaters think there is an endless lifetime supply of ego kibbles–why not an endless lifetime supply of credit? Surely, no one would enjoy the credit as much as they would….
“nothing shows entitlement disorders more than a bank account and credit score.”
TRUTH.
My STBX ran up $30,000 in credit card debt without telling me, we found out the hard way that there actually is a limit on the lifetime supply of credit…Going to take this college professor years to pay off my half…just a wonderful parting gift from her.
This is the spot on truth! If I had realized this when I first met my husband and understood the financial irresponsibility clues then were going to be a forecast of what was to come- I would have turned around and ran in the other direction- FAST!
isn’t it Suzy Orman who says you can tell how someone values and treats people by the way they value and handle money?
Boy there is a lot of sugar frosting on that turd.
Yes there is – and thank GOD I have been cured of my diabetes where he is concerned.
Crappy gifts you say? How about nothing at all! My cheater came clean about his affair last July. We were together for over nine years at that point. The OW was putting the screws to him in June. She knew he was married and who his wife was. His cupcake started out sending a thank you card to him, mailed to our home, for attending a charity walk she hosted ( I knew nothing of his attendance), when it came in the mail his behavior was suspicious. I asked to see the card and he handed it to me, but as I tried to really look at it and open it, he ripped it from my hands, tore it into pieces and then flushed it down the toilet in front of me. Hmmm… I had already been suspecting something was going on, didn’t have proof, but it finally arrived in the mail that day. Then the “private” phone calls started coming in to our house. The OW’s birthday was June 26th. The card arrived in the mail June 25th. My cheater is self-employed (read that as perpetually broke). My birthday was the month before and of course there “wasn’t enough money to get me a gift” – there seemed to never be enough money for a while there… now I know where it was being spent. I do not give a flip for gifts, I have always bought myself what I wanted within reason, the point is the cheating asshole seemed to be able to find enough cash to by his “friend” a moderately priced Alex & Ani bracelet that she posted all over Twitter. My friends are good dectives too. I asked him about it and asked where he got the money from, then the other shoe dropped. I was the only one in the house with a steady job and the paycheck. He “borrowed” from me all the time and it dawned on me that he also asked me to borrow money in the amount of the piece of crap bracelet he got for the OW the day of her birthday. So not only did this jackass lie and cheat, he also got me to pay for his tramps gift. Talk about being a Grade-A Chump.
What a fucker- she needs to give that to you. It is, after all, yours.
Karma is a funny thing JMK… the day after she posted pics on Twitter of the “Love” bracelet her BF (my H) gave her, she was back on Twitter the next day whining about how she got into her car the next morning to go to work and her bracelet was broken! I saw all of this weeks after the fact, but it still warmed my heart to know that the universe does work in strange and powerful ways.
My cheater was really good about buying the things that I wanted, but I always had to pay for them one way or the other by profusely thanking him or other ways.
I write novels and my computer stopped working, so my husband said he’d buy me the MacBook Pro I was wanting to replace it but he said I’d have to pay for it with anal sex. Yep. Disgusting right? I thought he was joking. Nope. I got the computer and he continuously cried about how I never paid up. What a creep.
God Almighty, the gifts with high price tags. I hear you there, RNE. In my case they weren’t even things I wanted! The man seriously never even learned (or asked!) what I liked. And although he occasionally (rarely!) made big dramatic romantic gestures, those were *always* manipulative. All about his image and trying to get what he wanted.
Yes! And there was always The Payback. If my ex got me something nice, I would pay for it emotionally, financially, somehow.
Yup. Mine bought outrageously expensive gifts (he was really into showing how affluent he wanted others to think he was). I was the one saying “it’s too expensive, stop spending so much money”. Well, sure enough, he would use the gifts as a stick to show how greedy I was. Like I had been begging for the 2ctw earrings? I finally told him if he ever brought up the earrings again, I’d flush them down the toilet. (Oh, & the price he paid kept going up. Thing is, I found the receipt in his pocket, so I know exactly what he paid. Still too expensive.) He was trying to buy my affection, & couldn’t grasp the concept that your actions speak soooo much louder than your words…most of which were lies.
Yeah. And what about the coupon for gifts that never come. I got several of those.
Coupons? I don’t need no steenken’ coupons (old movie for you young’uns) ? I had a drawer full. Jewelry, dinner, massages, day trips, date nights.
Go buy something nice for yourself, he’d say.
So one day I did. I cashed them all in for Freedom! (Thank you G. Michael).
Psyche, yesssss.
At least you got something. Im not sure if I was the woman or other woman or beard. All I know is there were no presents, vacations, dinners out. nothing!! Only lies, humiliatin, homlessness, and bad credit. I think he stole my id and gave me an std also. If he had a wife which he swore he didnt, i didnt know, i was punished big time and be grateful for the time you didnt have to spend with him playing videogame watching cartoon porn.
This aspect of infidelity speaks to my experience. My ex spent lavish amounts of money on himself during our marriage, usually buying racing bicycles of all make and manner. At one point we had at least 12 bicycles. He has a Porshe and a motorcycle. Towards the end, he bought himself a new car and tricked it out w/ an expensive bike rack. Meanwhile, I was putting my kid through college and working 2 jobs. I drove a 1984 Ford F150. I chalked it up to having different work ethics and sense of responsibility for our children (we each had one daughter from first marriages).
We did have access to each other’s accounts at the credit union so I was able to see what he spent. I did not look into this until I suspected he was unfaithful. Imagine my surprise when I saw that he had wined and dined one of his OW at the exclusive Inn at Little Washington, where a supper for two costs more than $600. I began to see all sorts of restaurant bills that were not from the pubs we went to. As his cheating was revealed, I was so devastated that his spending was the least of my concerns but now that 2 years have past, it is one of those signs that I wish I had picked up on sooner.
I turn 50 this week. Yes, I am older but also wiser; no longer willing to be a chump either.
Happy Birthday!
Thanks!
Happy Birthday!!!
and damn, I live in the area and I still haven’t made it to the Inn at Little Washington. Maybe you should treat yourself to a dinner there 🙂 for your BDay. Also, stop by the forums, a few of us are going to get together in the DC metro area, we have a thread.
Happy Virthday from all of us!
Happy 50th! I second the idea that you buy yourself an awesome dinner at the Inn at Little Washington. If it doesn’t have OW cooties, of course. One of those things you might need to take back.
My STBXH always gave me great gifts. Not kidding. I received even better gifts after the first dday. And after each dday they seemed to get even better! You see, my cheater NEVER knew how to show his love. He wasn’t the type of person to go out of his way with some small gesture like cleaning off my car when it snowed or pouring me a cup of coffee in the morning. He buys love!
After the last dday (same OW for five long years) I received a brand new Camaro convertible for Christmas. Previous gifts were a $3k watch, diamond earnings, a $600 bicycle, upgraded my wedding band to the tune of $3500. All of these purchases meant nothing to me! I didn’t even want to tell anyone I had them. I did enjoy driving the Camaro tho!!!!
A simple, heart felt card and hand written message inside with words that showed he loved me would have gone a LONGGGG way with me! I needed to see it and hear it. The gifts were guilt purchases to help HIM feel better about himself and they had nothing at all to do with me!!!!
ICK!!!!!!!!!!!! Sadly, the Camaro is gone! I hate to admit it…..but I loved that car!
buy another Camaro Kimmy, the newer versions are pretty cool 🙂
Did we marry the same guy?? Mine tried to buy a Mercedes (I know, poor me, but it was ridiculous & not what I wanted at all – pretentious ain’t me!), I had a fit & made him take it back – mind you this was after I told him multiple times, in no uncertain terms, that I did NOT want that car. However, I never got the small gestures – I hate filling my car up w/ gas. Just a thing I hate to do. I have told him repeatedly – guess who never, not once put gas in my car, drew me a bath & said “relax, you’ve been at home w 2 small children all day, you’ve got to be fried”. Nope, I was the one who was 8 mo pregnant leaning over a tub bathing my 20 mo old while he sat on the couch. UGH!!!!!! Then I would get the “Oh, you’ve got it soooo bad” speech. No, with stuff, I was flush. But emotionally, I was a pauper, literally begging for scraps.
My ex asked me to pick out our wedding rings and had opened a charge card to pay for it; I paid off the account a few months before he disappeared.
We would snowmobile in the UP. He bought the waterproof Gortex snowmobile suit for $200; I got the $20 version from WalMart.
He tracked down a used Toyota for me at $8K; he bought a brand new Chevy pickup truck for $28k. No surprise here when I tell you that I paid that off the month he left, right?
In my defense, it was a really good screwdriver set, with a rating of 4.5 stars out of 5 at amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Craftsman-Screwdriver-Phillips-Slotted-Made/dp/B006YVTAFU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395322760&sr=8-1&keywords=craftsman+8+screwdriver+set
And, yes, it has been pointed out how appropriate it was to be given screwdrivers by someone who was screwing me over–and screwing other guys on the side. Hey, at least the screwdrivers have a lifetime warranty, unlike the cheating ex-wife who gave them to me!
And though I know comparisons can be inappropriate and creepy sometimes they are unavoidable. Chumplady, as you can imagine, is a WONDERFUL gift giver. For Christmas I received an amazing animated German cuckoo clock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLJrowgpjWk
If you knew me and the nerdiness I embody, you would know that a more perfect gift could never be found.
File this under the heading, “Hell Yes It Gets Better.”
Or “Hell Yes It Gets Nerdier.”
You just have to find a fellow chumpy nerd who appreciates Bavarian kitsch.
Mr. Chumplady it should be known is the most awesome gift giver, as I’ve gushed several times about on this blog.
You all are making me laugh!
Herr Holzklotzfrau,
Ehrlich? Von allem Deutschland, sie moegen ein Kuckucksuhr am leibsten?
Warum kein Bier, oder Marzipan????
He likes beer. Marzipan — that’s me. I love marzipan.
Funny thing, we both did our DNA tests and his last name is German and he’s like 5% German. My last name is English and I’m like 7% English. But I’m 67% Western European (German) and he’s 25% English! I’m the Anglophile and he likes polka bands and cabbage. He probably should’ve bought me the cuckoo clock, and I should get him the BBC dramas…
I don’t need DNA testing–both my parents came off the boat. I’m half Pakistani and half German. I kick ass at accents!
“I’m half Pakistani and half German”
So, does that make you Germastani? Or are you Pak-man?
Females of this particular Eurasian mix are Germastani, and males are Pakman…
Mr. Chumplady, I just HAVE to ask? Is it a real German cuckoo clock? 20 years ago I had a heck of a time finding one in Germany that was German made. They were all made in Hong Kong, etc. This one looks pretty awesome I must say!!
I bought it online from Germany — and it got stuck in NY customs for 2 months to prove it. It came with some certificate of Black Forest clock makers to ensure it’s authenticity and it’s even dorkier than that video. His clock has the woodchopper AND a water wheel AND little wooden deer AND a St. Bernard AND twirling dancers. It’s cuckoo for cuckoo clocks. I figured if you’re going to buy a cuckoo clock, you need to go all the way. No half measures.
Mr Fab refused to even communicate when DD’s iphone (which he got for her without talking to me about how a web enabled phone would not be a good idea) got smashed. She put up with a cracked screen for two months, while he got himself the iphone 5.1
But I should be grateful, right? I mean, he eventually paid for half the cost of the therapy she needed, due to his behavior.
My exH was a good gift giver, which always made me feel guilty as I was never sure what to get him. Now I know it’s because he never opened up with me.
Three things stick out though:
Valentine’s Day during first then unsuspected affair: no dinner reservations, we drove around for a couple of hours looking for a place to eat
5 months later, post DDay after I confronted him, he denied/gaslighted, we were in MC: 5th anniversary gift… A box of word magnets for the fridge to make poetry and a lame card of a campus building from his grad school. Years later I found the receipt, it was purchased day of our anniversary at the campus bookstore (drug store equivalent for gifts)
Mother’s Day post DDay #3 (and final one) : still had not admitted there was another woman, he was out of town, 2/3 through the day… A text: by the way, Happy Mother’s Day.
Not as lame as some other folks, but given his past ability of good presents/good hiding, these were signs.
Mine bought thousands and thousands of dollars of high end electronic equipment, purchased several luxury cars, and watches. He also loved expensive art. He could afford it but when the bills came in he’d cry, “WE HAVE TO WATCH OUR SPENDING!!”
OUR?
Oh yeah finances were lopsided big time. He’d think nothing of blowing money on himself. His hobbies. His fitness weekends. Typical issue with ex was that I had to justify my spending while he got to buy whatever he wanted. Money became a big issue when he made plans to run off with his fuckbuddy. The big one was the new fully loaded Ford truck 33k, while he bought a Corolla for me and the kids to share. Vacations were a scream our entire family always shared one hotel room and while my ex was there physically most of the time he was checked out mentally. I can’t say I ever recall one vacation with him in which he was affectionate. Perhaps that was the point. 🙂 On holidays and birthday celebrations he showed up, that’s it. Never planned anything. Never purchased gifts. Oh wait I was a SAHM so that should be never “chose” gifts. Oh but during the last two years of our marriage and his last OW could not get rid of community funds fast enough. Purchased big ticket items to buy off the kids, took us all on vacation to check out colleges for our son and then switched hotels because we “needed a pool” when in reality he needed a computer. Lol. Oh it gets better. Walks out on the mortgage and tries to include all those gifts in settlement. I told the judge, “that Toyota forerunner was a gift to my son” (ex had stolen money from both children’s college funds and while dissipated assets are expensive to prove I wasn’t about to sell my children short) and had the settlement include language that each child rightfully had title to their own belongings. And made more than half my alimony (or maintenance) an Ed fund because I knew I could put my kids through college by myself. The ex has income over 100k/year. When I asked him how we were going to pay for our son’s education he told me, “he’s your son YOU figure it out.” I guess promises to a whore override promises made to your family. Oh after the house (you know the one we dreamed of and had built) was foreclosed on (OW are expensive you know) dickwad discovered they were going to pay money to assist me in moving out and wanted half. Uh, No, When you choose not to pay your mortgage you don’t get the Chump payoff. When he came to retrieve his belongings he took fixtures off the house! And two sentimental gifts my parents had purchased for our kids. I called the cops and he returned the fixtures. That’s it. Well I could go on but I am so over his mindfuck and our life together. Just wish I’d seen it sooner.
Im sorry. Hopefully hes been hit by a car by now. Garbage stains.
Perfect topic for today, as I am ususally 85% on the way to MEH. But not today…
Yes, the exH was wickedly cheap during the 10 year marraige – he HAD to have a brand new $20K+ car EVERY year; I drove the cast offs; he charged $20+ every day on my credit card of sodas and cigarettes, then claimed he “didn’t know WHO was using the card; wanted to go to Vegas 2-3x/year (what is it w/these cheaters and Vegas?)…but today
I just found out that despite owing over $80K in back child support (he’s paid just over $2,000 in 6 years TOTAL), not to mention half of the mortgage and legal fees (also unpaid), I just read in the newspaper that he bought a $200K condo yesterday. This from the guy who just claimed last September that he was “indigent” in order to get his child support (which he still doesn’t pay) lowered. How does an indigent guy afford a new condo? The new wife has apparently moved here now, but the co-signer/co-owner is a doctor – and a psychiatrist! I can’t even begin to understand this latest bullshit, other than to try to to tell myself that he will lie to this guy too; screw him over; but it seems so terrificaly unfair. I have had to work my ass off to provide for our kids, and have been so frugal and careful in order to rebuild our lives (our house was just valued at $85K..less than half of his…). I am reminding myself that we are blessed to have a home; to have kept our house, and that God has blessed and provided for us every step of the way. I am so very grateful for all we have, and I know this too will pass, but some days are just harder than others. Cheap with your ex-wife is one thing, but cheap/completely unsupportive of your kids. What a total loser.
Can’t you get a lien on the condo for back child support in your state?
Oh-so;
Maybe…but it just blows my mind that just a few short months after swearing in court that he’s “indigent”…he buys a fancy new house ($200K goes a long way where he lives). He really does believe his own bullshit.
He tried to get the child support caseworker fired because she “wasn’t being nice to him”, so I figure she’ll have some fun with this one…
I do believe the state will go after him if you show them proof he bought that condo and owes you support. I’m sure lawyers here can chime in better
First off, let me say, it doesn’t take much to make me happy and I have a feeling that all of us Chumps would admit to the same, maybe to our discredit in many cases. My husband for as long as I knew him always made a very good living. I did too, but not at his level.
My soon to be husband was off on a business trip and brought me back a wooden key chain that looked to be carved by a 5 year old for arts and crafts. My co-workers were always bragging about what their boyfriends/fiances gave to them. Needless to say, I was appreciative of his thoughtful gift but didn’t mention it to my co-workers. Later when I realized his appetite for checking out strip clubs when out of town, I realized I should have learned pole dancing if I really wanted to cash in. Or at least it made sense where his budget went and what his priorities were. Maybe it was a guilt gift, but then he really wasn’t feeling so guilty was he?
For Christmas, after we had been dating and we’re expected to get engaged, my soon too be husband gave me a pair of diamond (I hope so) earrings or what my co-workers later dubbed the “specs.” They were more wire than stone. Of course I was very appreciative, having never received anything like it before. I wore them proudly, but when I mentioned my coworkers’ comments, he told me it was because, “my ears were too big…” Ha ha, (and not true!)
A friend in the jewelry business was liquidating stock and going out of business. I had his mother’s engagement ring, which was very nice, but I didn’t have a dressy wedding band. At that point, I guess I was feeling queasy about our relationship. I saw that all his business cohort’s wives had dressier jewelry and thought it would be nice for a band. He told me to buy one from my friend and he would pay me back. I got a good deal but he never paid me back….
Of course after DD, the piece de resistance was realizing how much he spent on escorts, OW, even being a sugar-daddy apparently, porn-sites, and specialty BDSM services, etc…, after never even spending time to consider gifts for me – it was all just too much trouble to make an effort, even as I would delight in trying to find him something he might like or want. During the MC and reconciliation period, I told him his “offenses” weren’t something smoothed over by a bouquet of roses. Of course the next day, imaginative him comes up with a bouquet of roses from a client’s flower shop! He did later buy me a gold necklace and bracelet, but by that time it felt more like it was a blood money pay-off. I didn’t really want or need them, I just wanted to feel like I was worth something to him.
I laugh at my stupidity now, but it tore me up then.
Moral of the story: KNOW YOUR WORTH… and I don’t mean monetarily (but it might be a good indication!)
What annoys me about people who have never experienced this is how they judge you for caring about gifts. I express love by gift giving. If I don’t have much money (we don’t right now), I buy something very inexpensive but thoughtful. If I have more money, the gifts are nicer but still thoughtful. It really is the thought that counts.
My husband is super cheap and has pretty much made any holiday feel like an imposition. He then directs me to super frugality forums if I want to buy a freaking $30 dollar Christmas tree for the kids. Most of their presents were from his mother for the past few years. When he does get me something (which he rarely does) it’s the cheapest thing he could find. I would rather have a box with four Godiva chocolates in it than the huge discount box from Walmart. He’d have to go out of his way to buy the Godiva’s, though, and he couldn’t do it on Christmas day. Anymore I’m just, like, don’t freaking bother. And I mean it too.
(Did I mention he took his last emotional affair out for lunch several times and paid for her expensive-ass sandwiches? Whatevs.)
I’m with you KT. I thought twice about relaying these incidences because they make me sound venal or greedy. In reality, I feel very blessed in life and it is thoughtfulness and honest gestures that are important to me. It was just the total self-absorption, callousness, and lack of reciprocation from big things to small, and in light of his OWs, gambling, cars, and other expensive hobbies that made me realize I was just a replaceable functionary in his life.
‘I was just a replaceable functionary in his life.’ – yup.
That is the really hard thing to own, because it is so shameful.
It’s shameful to the cheater, not you. You were all in. It’s an important distinction. It just *feels* shameful — but it’s not. Don’t wear their shame.
What annoys me about people who have never experienced this is how they judge you for caring about gifts.
Same here. When I had to get my now fiance to clean house of his just a friend ex, he accused me of being money grubbing because I could see from various receipts and cc statements he left lying around what he was “putting out” to get her to come out to see him. I said, if money is not an issue, then why do you hassle me to help pay for dates while you freely offer to take care of her. (even providing taxi fare to go home (to her boyfriend.))
Sadly, with the way our world is structured. You make a statement about money and how much you want (and /or can) take care someone whether you spend money or not. There’s “no pass” on this issue.
The first 4 years of our marriage I put my husband through college. It took him 4 years to get an associate degree. When he graduated, he took a job in another town, so we had to move. When he found out how much the health insurance was going to be at his new job, he decided that he would take the insurance but leave me off the policy because it would be taking too much out of his paycheck. The really sad part is I had so little self-worth that I thought this was the right choice and went along with it. My mother had just died in a car accident and I was still grieving that loss and trying to take care of my teenaged brothers. He was gracious enough to let them move in with us, into the house my inheritance bought and paid for, but he never let me live that down. It was the only kindness he ever expressed in all 13 years of marriage.
I cannot relate to this! Art was generous in the peaceful years of our marriage. At the end
the issue was his failure to accept my music and my rights. and of course his failure to give up Liz Claiborne. Now his estate is being settled, probably his “Partner” Cathy Horyn who left the NY Times to “be with him” will get some money ,i will not, but i didn’t shout enough. and i don’t want his money ,it would be like groveling, i don’t grovel!!!
i think my fathers hostility at the end of his life and the cruelty of the community to this day is repellent to me. And the fact that i am left out of anything that happens in New York as if i am a ghost. And this abusive community, especially the “Yiddush Club” Urgh.
i am the bully target here and friends want me to move.i wont move. But if we want to talk about “cheap” where the hell is my Boesendorfer? Look infidelity harms children.
i put my children first, do they appreciate it? Probably not. i did it “My Way” .Muriel
Yes, Muriel.
Sheesh, isn’t that just the gift that keeps on giving? Friends being ‘neutral’. Which means you get slowly pushed aside.
My cheater had a relationship w a woman he worked with. She is a ‘food blogger’ as well, and they shared this interest. They would plan lovely extravagant ‘business trips’ and fine dining experiences. He impressed her with his knowledge of fine wine, and food snobbery. Meanwhile, at home, he began to buy would buy cheap food and junk to prepare for his family, (yes, he prepared dinner for his family, because he believed himself to be the best cook in the house), and get mad at me when I would protest the processed, sugar laden junk he would pack in our children’s lunches. All of this is sooo symbolic now that I look in hindsight.
These gestures are compatible to ‘gifts’, because, like purchased tokens, the value is in the preparation and thoughtfulness. Thankfully, their ‘gifts’ were expensed, on their employers dime, so I didn’t have to endure the financial ‘injury’ of those ‘insults’. But I certainly paid in time and energy spent reading through their IM’s and text msgs, to discover all this.
PS: there are so many people in need in this dying planet. Look at the Great Paul Newman.
IRC just asked for money in the name of Joanne Woodward Newman.Paul Newman left his wife Jackie with THREE children for his soulmate Joanne. He is will always be a cheater salad dressing or no, she will always be the woman who slept with a married man. Folks this is serious stuff. I dont want to waste time on these men (or women) they are douchebags!!!!!!thanksMuriel
PS: there are so many people in need in this dying planet. Look at the Great Paul Newman.
IRC just asked for money in the name of Joanne Woodward Newman.Paul Newman left his wife Jackie with THREE children for his soulmate Joanne. He is will always be a cheater salad dressing or no, she will always be the woman who slept with a married man. Folks this is serious stuff. I dont want to waste time on these men (or women) they are douchebags!!!!!!thanksMuriel
Wow did not know this….. won’t be buying his shit anymore…..
Thanks Muriel
You go, Muriel!!! ‘Douchebag’ is calling a spade a spade!
My computer screensaver has a Proverbs quote: “Better a poor man who walks in his integrity, than a rich man is crooked in his ways.”
Money is such a hollow legacy. And so much of it is “blood money”, made of the miseries of others. I’m actually glad I live close to the ground these days; it beats wasting precious time with lawyers, the IRS, stock brokers, and any of the other professional money grubbers out there. (with apologies to Mr. Chumplady and the other lawyers on the blog) Not much blood left in this turnip. That people can tell, at any rate.
Even this wonderful blog wants to keep on doing the same thing. so do it!!!!
i often repeat myself because i think no one gets it. sorry folks these cheaters are a waste of time.Love you allMuriel
Love your posts, Muriel! You rock!
Love backatcha Muriel. 🙂
I think you can always tell what someone loves by what they spend ‘their’ money on.
I wish I had figured that out sooner. Years of crappy gifts and always the same excuse, “I never know what to get you, you’re so hard to shop for.”
My 40th B-day and I got a pile of grocery store chocolate, right before he tells me I need to lose weight.
“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” ~ Luke 12:34
My husband always wanted me to cook like Paula Deen and eat like Guy Fieri but look like Giada de Laurentiis.
Thanks Andrea – I keep reminding myself of that verse alot 🙂
And I agree – exH wanted 3 hot cooked meals a day, and if I didn’t eat, he got mad, but I was supposed to be a size0? And when I asked if he could watch little ones so I could work out…no WAY!
Roxie, what a passive aggressive douche!
I really think some cheaters purposefully set up chumps so they can keep them under their thumb in the long term.
Have lots of kids so that the chump has that much more responsibilities, and make it harder to consider a divorce.
Undermine looks/diet/mental health so that chump feels like it’s harder to move on with someone else.
Move ’em away from family/supporting friends. (Especially ones that have their number.)
Roxie mentions her 40th and suddenly I am reminded. I very rarely got anything. If I wanted something I had to be specific and I guess in the end I figured he should know what to get or just want to get something. If I wanted something though he would spend generously, even if it meant not getting quite what I wanted but the biggest and the best. Selfish me fornot being grateful. For his 40th I pooled members of our family together to buy him an expensive camera. He was a budding photographer and all I did was squash that talent. He still never took any photos. I planned his surprise party though not having any froends of his own meant it wasn’t a very successful party. 6 years later. I planned and paid for a trip. A second honey moon where he made me feel like shit, no affection, no companionship, fuck all. I organised a gathering for my 2 best friends and their families and did all the reparation and paid for it all. And from him I got ……zip. Not even a card. He didn’t care. Down the track, when he realised I was squashing his musical talent, he thought he might like a bass guitar. I fought him and fought him, because I didn’t want to tell him I’d bought one for him for christmas. Well, he came home home with one because that’s what he really wanted. Effectively he got 2 bass guitars that year….and again I got….zip. This year on my birthday, I’m going to Italy. Fuck you little mam!
Gift giving from ex usually turned into a total shit show at my house. You have to realize I never asked for or expected gifts for any occasion but my birthday and Christmas. Further because my birthday is near tax day, if things were a little tight, I would ask that no gift be given. So the only thing the ass is on the hook for is Christmas and every other birthday.
One year I got a silver charm bracelet (not my style as I don’t wear silver and prefer more simple jewery but was happy at the thought and was very appreciative). That Christmas, when I was pregnant and almost at my due date I got a charm necklace, which had the same charms as the bracelet and quite frankly was just ugly. (maybe appropriate for a 10 year old but not a 35 year old0. I get a kick out of all of my family and his family asking to see what was in the jewelry box and the silent and confused reaction when they saw the lovely bauble. It really was that awful and did I mention I don’t wear silver. (I was also disappointed because quite frankly the necklace was worth about 175.00. Now I realize that that is a lot of money but the man wears 500 Gucci and Ferragamo loafers and drives a 60,000 car and makes a very nice living-by those standards it was not a big gesture on his part). , Fast forward to next Christmas. No other gift-birthday,, mothers day, anniversary-was given. I get you guess it a charm bracelet. Yes another one-different manufacturer but a silver charm bracelet. Did I mention I don’t wear silver. Next birthday, rolls around and I get a replica of the charm necklace from two Christmasses ago. At this point, I politely tell him that he had already given me the same gift a few years earlier and returned it. Mother’s day rolls around and I tell him it would be nice to get a gift since I had returned the charm necklace. What did i get? A crock pot. Best part is that he had wanted a crock pot.
I realize that I should appreciate the fact I even got a gift but there was so little thought put into them and he honestly spent the minimum amount of money he could spend and still get “jewelry” was what really made me fume.
I feel like I need to make a list! Hahaha
1. He would buy my gifts off of Craigslist (including a broken Nintendo Wii)
2. He bought a bouquet of roses right after Valentine’s Day from a Safeway (grocery store) when they were on sale
3. He never paid rent/utilities on our apartment, saying things towards the end like “This is more YOUR apartment.” (Well then where’s yours, Mr. Smarty Pants?)
4. When he DID have a place (before we moved in together), he would ask to borrow $20 almost every week because in his words, he “used up the entire paycheck on rent and utilities and had no money for food.” Well, I found out later that his landlord was always pestering him about the rent he NEVER PAID.
5. He had me pay for everything during our vacations (airfare, hotel, dining, etc.)
6. While at his cousin’s wedding, he was on the phone the whole time with Verizon disputing his cellphone bill. It was embarrassing, to say the least… He insists he paid them and they were in the wrong, but now I think he just didn’t pay his phone bill.
So where was his money going? (When we broke up, he was a warehouse manager. Throughout our entire relationship, he was jumping from job to job for one reason or another) Well, he sure seemed to have a very impressive bong collection! He always had a variety of weed, too! Of course those hotel room visits with the OW don’t pay for themselves! Looking back, I think he’s a giant man-child with his priorities all messed up!
One thing I take solace in is that after I left, he ended up owing Comcast (for internet/cable) over $400 in the span of a couple months because he hadn’t been paying them! He also “moved out” of our old apartment, but I suspect he got evicted.
The only Valentine’s gift I received in 15 years was a month before he walked out and I now know it’s only because he was already at the flower/ candy shop buying gifts for OW. I guess the guilt was just too much to bear that day.
He wasn’t necessarily cheap with me but he has easily spent six figures traveling with the ho (divorce is not final) and buying her gifts. Making reservations for fancy meals, scheduling a babysitter (!!!) when he has the kids so he can take her out, scheduling massages, buying tickets to events, etc…
He never planned a date a vacation or a babysitter ONCE when we were together. Ever. Every detail of every date and trip we ever had was planned by me. And he would show up late every time. He even expected me to pack his suitcase for trips. He would roll in minutes before (or after!) we were supposed to leave for the airport and expect everyone to be ready. We’d have to rush, be late, stressed, grumpy, etc…
But I thought he loved me. And one of the reasons is because he was NOT cheap (with his money). I had full access and could buy myself what I wanted, when I wanted. That’s how I justified the complete lack of reciprocity in gift giving and special planning.
What a chump.
Yup, every gift, vacation, trip…bought by, planned by, packed by me. Because I was a SAHM! I don’t know what it’s like to have a partner. I had a man-child that brought home paychecks. Went on a trip w another family & their 9 yo said to my friend about my STBX “he doesn’t *do* anything!” From the mouths of babes. Of course, why should he? I did it all.
Helen, monies he spent on the affair are marital assets and you can ask for them back in a divorce. Tell your lawyer!
That’s what I did to my ex. He took her on 3 trips to Florida and on a cruise in the first 6 months they were together. He thought I would roll over and play dead when we decided to divorce. Guess what? I didn’t. We subpoenaed all of his financials (because he wouldn’t cough them up) and I was granted reimbursement for all of those trips. Unfortunately, I keep having to take him back to court to try and get the money out of him that he agreed to pay me. Keep track of all of that Helen. Make a nice long list and give it to your attorney.
While it would be difficult to prove (and I’ve only an email to show it), I know that STBX paid for OW’s mortgage and COBRA over a summer she was unemployed. I didn’t know of the affair at that point, but I do know that STBX was chronically short of money, and was pretty thankful to the point of relief when the money from his father’s estate came in. Our finances are separate, which is why I think it would be difficult to prove the extent of his support, though with a good forensic accountant, I think it would be easy.
However, if STBX is unreasonable during the divorce, I will threaten to depose OW to have her testify to the extent of the support. Having that go on public record would be problematic, as he knows it will make him look stupid when it shows up on a background check.
I found paperwork in Exh’s car showing him trying to buy a house for OW (5 blocks away from the house we rented from my mother). Lawyers LOVE it when you find stuff like that.
Glad I’m not the only one… I plan all our vacations (when we take them). I also make dinner for our anniversary and buy his mom flowers on Mother’s Day.
One year during his gambling stints- I got a DVD of the little mermaid for my birthday from CVS.
But the real ridiculousness happened during our marriage- he too loved to spend my money. And if I got angry about it, I was accused of being emasculating. That’s my favorite gas lighting line ever. No, I didn’t emasculate you actually. You’d have to be a man with integrity for that to happen.
A few months before DDay, I discovered while doing our tax returns that he had stopped paying his income taxes- likely to have extra hidden cash for his whoring. My $15k refund went to pay the taxes he didn’t.
When he moved out, he didn’t want anything from our house because he wanted all new shiny things. And yet he couldn’t pay any of the bills he owed me.
Like most, I could go on and on. They just suck, period, and in doing so… suck the life out of us in the process.
MyKnight, after D-Day I was heartsick and devastated but my cheating STBX was already that very same night I found out, telling me I should start refinancing the house so I could buy him out and we could “go our separate ways.” I was in such pain I was about to write him a huge check and go borrow the rest but my best friend and my daughter convinced me to wait. X then called me a “heartless bitch who only cares about money.”
ex-H was quite happy to do the showy stuff while I was with him. So, I’d get a huuuuuuuuuge bunch of flowers sent to work on my birthday & he’d want to know afterwards all the favourable comments my colleagues made, I got the Chanel sunglasses, Mulberry handbag, Hermes scarf – all the bling-bling stuff that could be shown off & he could take public credit for.
Behind the scenes it was a whole different story. There was forensic analysis of the accounts to ensure that he didn’t pay a penny more than 50% of his salary into our joint account, astounding meanness for gifts for people who “don’t count” and no fuss could be made of, resentment for upping his payments every time he received an increase in salary.
Once the children came, further acts of financial miserliness followed to ensure that he wasn’t “over-contributing”!!!! Who thinks of providing for their children in terms of “over-contributions”?
As soon as I pressed the divorce button, it was a fight to get a penny out of him. There is no show or glory in child maintenance & I now very definitely fall into the “don’t count” pile, so it has been the longest, grimmest battle to get him to pay his legal share for the children.
AEL, I hear you. My son’s father paid less than baseline child support for YEARS. I had to agree to $300 a month to get him to move out. He earned a good salary too. I was that desperate to divorce him. Later in court it got upped. But he defaulted even on his cheap ass CS! Thousands of dollars before I sic-ed the enforcement agency on him.
Total miser. Blows my mind how he can do his kid that way. He actually said in court once “Well, your grandparents have money. Why don’t they pay?”
Really everyone is in the “don’t count” pile. The only person who counts is THEM.
It doesn’t matter what the alimony and/or child support is. You could get a dime a week and they’ll be running around saying you’re sipping champagne in the Riviera.
My new mantra to divorcing people is “Don’t focus on what you believe you’re morally entitled to. Focus on what you are LEGALLY entitled to.”
Well that’s the thing, isn’t it? Chumps are so used to starvation rations and making our needs small — we often AGREE with our cheaters that we deserve less. In my experience, the courts recognized that I deserved more legally than I asked for. And I often got more each time I wound up in court.
My advice to chumps is — knowledge is power. Find out what you’re entitled to, and go for it. Listen to your lawyer. You’re emotionally wobbly right now and you need an experienced advocate.
That’s what I love about that mantra–because the cheating bastards always believe they deserve to get off scott free.
Once they see that their “moral entitlement” finally means sweet fuck all, they’ll bitch to any poor sod who’ll give them the time of day about how there chump is out to screw them (no, they stayed HOME to screw you–and you were the one out, shithead).
My ex said that he didn’t have to pay half of our son’s braces (which the divorce decree specifically said he DID need to pay half of) because his picking our son up and then bringing him back home twice per week at their dinner visitations counted for his half of the braces. The drive was less than a mile between his house and my apartment. Unbelievable. And then he warned me that I had better not be “greedy” and that karma was going to get me.
ChumpLady,
So your ex did the “let someone else pay for my kids” thing too? They really do act and speak from a script! I remember when he called me to tell me he was taking me to court to get the (unpaid) support lowered. He told me he was claiming that he had no $$ and hadn’t worked in 5 years (despite there being multiple articles on the internet about his fancy job). I told him that I wasn’t going to spend the energy or time on him, but reminded him that lying would be a crime. And he says, “What do you mean?” I said, “You’re driving a $100,000+ new Mercedes SUV. A rational person would ask how you afforded that car…” SILENCE. Then he says, “It was a gift.” Really? It never occured to him that a decent parent, owing huge amounts of support for the care of their children, would sell that car, pay the back support, and still have enough left over for a very respectable car. IT NEVER EVEN CROSSED HIS MIND. They really do suck.
My ex is totally unruffled by not paying the ordered child support, because he says my mother can help me out, so no need for him to bother. Seriously, and the most disgusting thing is his family totally back him up in this. They actually think I am greedy and selfish for expecting him to pay child support. Poor thing might actually have to get a real job again, might have to work, might have to give up on his “dream” of being famous.
I have a case with the state agency, but since he mostly works under the table, and has no assets whatsoever, they aren’t able to do a whole lot for me. He owes me well over $25K by now, probably over $30K.
Well, our children are adults so I don’t have the CS issue thank goodness. I can definitely related to the “look how great I am” gift giving, however.
One year it was finally time to trade in the old family car, which was “mine” and get a new one. This happened to coincide around the time of my birthday; in fact, I picked the car up from the dealer ON my birthday. My H had me tell everyone that he gave me the car as complete surprise – as in picked it out and had it delivered to our driveway complete with a big bow on the roof – all by himself. Chumpy me I went along with it.
He badgered me all day wanting to know what everyone said about his greatness.
Before the ex got his real trophy wife, he tried to get me to play along with some of his ‘keep up with the Jones’ inclinations. Chumpy, party pooper me, always the source of reasonableness, did just fine with modest, PAID OFF conveyances. AND THEN……
After Sept 11, 2001, Dick Cheney came out and was interviewed on what to do about the hit to the economy sustained on that day. Stimulate the economy! Go out and buy an SUV! Honestly. I remember the interview! OH HAPPY DAY! It’s my husband’s Patriotic Duty to custom order the biggest, fanciest, damn diesel pickup they make! He must have just had orgasms going over the options list with the dealer. Dual rear wheels!!! Heated seats!!! Tow package!!! (had to get a horse trailer too) Clearance Lights!! Oh, and it was the first year of ON*STAR!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! YES!!!
The hit to his reward/pleasure center in his brain must have been phenomenal, because a mere two years later, while we were still making payments on the truck, he sits down beside me and says he wants to get me a Cadillac Escalade to drive. WTF!! I managed to shut that down.
He moved out before that truck was even paid for. Fortunately for me, I had moved the balance onto a 1.99% credit card advance offer (I had great credit I never used and had piles of those balance transfer checks — back in the day…) so it wasn’t too hard for me to deal with. I got it in the divorce — it was too old and didn’t blue book high enough to be worth his while. It’s still a great truck. And it’s PAID OFF.
There are a lot of commonalities here: I too have had guilt gifts, drugstore gifts, gifts I paid for myself and jewellery gifts that made me feel bad. These guys really are all the same. I have an example of each but one I’ll tell is about my 40th birthday which was 1 month after we were married: on my birthday he gave me, “Happy Birthday!” as he left in the morning for work: nothing else. I cooked supper as usual. Night came and there was still nothing else. The next day he noticed I was upset, bought the drugstore gift (it was teabags), and a belated birthday card and left them on a table for me to find while he worked (hid out) in the garage.
I can vouch for the cheap ass cars….and he has totalled both of them in the past year since D day…..first one was on D day he had it while prostitute was in the car with him, forcing him to confess. when I got my Dad’s Car as a gift because he can no longer drive after having a stroke, he convinced me to give him my 92 toyota Camry we had bought for our teenage daughter stating that I had a car already so why did I need it. I did a few things to it and dropped it in a parking lot a few blocks from his brothers where he was living at the time. The things were minor. I poured really smelly room freshener oil all over the floors under the mats and between the seats. He can’t stand strong smells. Then I broke off the radio antenna as he claimed “you never let me listen to my radio station” which was bullshit. That’s all we listened to when in the car together. Needless to say the radio didn’t work after that. LOL He was lucky I didn’t do more to it. He never said a thing to me…I actually got a text that said Thank you from him afterwards. Last month, word has it, he totalled that car. Who knows what pile of shit he’s driving now. Karma I say…..and Tip if the iceberg…..
Well, my cheater was generous, BUT, he always made sure that everyone knew of his generosity. I never got a gift that he didn’t point out to EVERYONE that he had graced me with it. It wasn’t about being nice to me, but how everything looked to everyone else. “I did”, “I gave”, “Wasn’t that nice of me?”, “Pat me on the back please”. My cheater was all about appearances. Just like singing in the church choir (oh, yes, church each and every weekend three times each weekend). If he couldn’t sing in front of everyone, he wouldn’t go and if he had a solo, talk about an orgasmic moment for him. He wanted me to have a maid (I said no), a bigger house, a new car every 2 or 3 years. He always like a big bank account so he could tell everyone how much money he had. The best … we refinanced our home so we could remodel, but he kept putting the remodeling off. So we were paying 6 percent interest on money that he had squirreled away in his bank account making zero. After two years, I said remodel or repay. We remodeled. But, of course, it was so he could point out to everyone of the extent of the remodel. Oh, it just goes on and on.
Never received any gifts in 14 years of marriage! Nothing for my Birthday, Valentine’s or Christmas ever, not even a card! He even kept the checks that my in-laws sent me for my Birthday and Christmas every year for himself!
Apparently STBXH had no trouble spending plenty of money on his hobbies and OW!
Sad, but truely the biggest Chump ever right here!!!
MJ
Mine comes a pretty close second to that….rare card, occasional flowers, sometimes picked from my own garden. No lie….
The only fabulous gift I can remember is a brand new camera setup and printer about 5 years ago. It was truly grand.
Found out after D day….my daughters spurred him on to do it.
He was so proud of himself.
I told him he did so good I never expected anything else form him.
And he fullfilled that…..
I was always thinking about him and would get him little things here and there. It didn’t even have to coincide with a holiday or anniversary.
That’s horrible!
There are too many to list, so I will just say that while I lived on a budget, my ex spent lavishly on himself, secretly met with his country club buddies to drop hundreds of dollars in poker games and spent more than $33,000. in massage parlors for “services.” In some ways, what was more hurtful, was that he was cheap and stingy emotionally. During false reconciliation #2, on Valentines Day, I gave my ex a very heart-felt letter, filled with hope for our future. He gave me a cheap, shallow, “funny” card, and the only thing written in it was his signature. A big red flag for me, but I ignored it (high on hopium). He was cheap in every way.
Here’s a good one. My X and I have 5 children and they are fairly close together in age. One year on Mother’s Day when the youngest was not quite 2 (oldest would have been 10), Freakface hadn’t bought me a gift, as usual. I told him that I was exhausted and all I really wanted was a nap. So he took all the kids and left me home alone to rest. When he came back, he had bought HIMSELF an expensive bike and $150 clip-on shoes to go with it. Happy Mother’s Day.
I think this one takes the cake for all that I’ve read…. how friggin selfish and entitled and emotionally cruel.
I imagine in his disordered mine, he figured since he was being “super parent” by watching the 5 kids for 2 hours, that HE deserved a mothers day present.
good god
SMH…….
OMG what a self-centred fucktard!
WOW, EL, what a narcissist FREAK. Me, me, mother’s day? ME.
I never got diddly squat over the years. Truth! Christmas, my birthday, our anniversary, Mothers Day..never a thing in the 26 years we were together. Just the occasional card. Pretty much shows me now that I look back that I must have meant zero to him our whole marriage. On the other hand, I’ve found out that he’s bought the OW a jewelry set over the last 3 years..1st year the earrings, 2nd year the necklaces, this past Christmas the ring. He’s paid her bills..and I’m not even sure how much he spent on her bills over 3 years. He’d pay all of her bills before ours, and would leave the kids and I struggling from paycheck to paycheck. He’d take her entire family (kids, grandkids, her Mom, and probably the dog and cat) for dinners every time he was in town to see her (he is a truck driver on the road, and was thus able to hide the affair the entire duration), taking her grandkids out for ice cream (he treats her grandkids like they are his own..better than he treats our own children), paid her cell phone bill so they could talk and text 24/7, and God knows what else he’s spent on her over the years. Of course hindsight is 20/20 because as I look back over the last 3 years, I realize he even stopped giving me CARDS for occasions..including our damn anniversaries each year! Another kick to my gut? Our last 3 anniversaries he “had to work” and couldn’t be home to celebrate. You guessed it..he was with the OW on OUR ANNIVERSIES taking HER out and buying her gifts! Our ANNIVERSARIES for pete’s sakes..how could he?
My husband is quite tight with money in general. From what I’ve seen, though, many people are. I guess I always wonder if it’s just something wrong with me. As I said in a previous post, I tend to like to do little things for people. Most of the time I don’t expect them to reciprocate, but on holidays like Christmas or Mother’s day it would be nice. (Really, I’m mostly concerned with how embarrassing it is when relatives/friends ask what your husband got for you and you either have to lie or admit he did nothing.) Same thing goes for big life events. I was thrilled that he didn’t sleep through labor and delivery of our second baby like he did with our first. Everyone asked if he got me flowers or anything. Hardly.
Is it a chumpy trait to do little things for people even after you’ve been in a long relationship with them (i.e. when the infatuation has faded)? I like to make nice meals for my parents and my husband, give him random hugs, little gifts, etc. and generally be pleasant. He’s actually told me that this behavior is “childish” and that he doesn’t do these things because he’s “grown up” since we were first together. It makes me feel like a freak or something.
Not chumpy at all! Sweet and wonderful 🙂 He was just gas lighting, as usual.
Not completely chumpy.. whenever ExH used to get pissed that I hadnt done something right (Didn’t clean the house like his mother would clean it, etc) I would scramble to get back in his good graces. Which usually meant I would shop for stuff for him that I really couldn’t afford just to smooth things over. Aka: rewarding him for treating me like shit. The best case of this (when it finally hit me what was going on): During fake reconciliation, we visited the local Renaissance Faire to try to dump some of the stress. He swore he had stopped seeing OW, but I knew he still was. We passed a tent with weapons and armor set out for display. Both of us were drooling over a $600+ sword. He says to me “It’s too bad you didn’t bring your credit card. You could have bought me this sword.” Wtf? Then OW called my phone asking when we would be done at the faire as he had promised to see her that night. That would be the 3rd and final time he got kicked out.
My first mother’s day the ass purchased himself a porsche. You can’t make this shit up.
My first mother’s day STBX went to Vegas & had himself a little fling! I spent it w/ my 10 mo old son & in-laws took us to lunch. “Business trip”, you see…
My first Mother’s Day, I got not even a card from the asswipe! I waited for him to wake up (after feeding the baby breakfast, and a bath) and went out shopping by myself and bought myself a great outfit. That was the beginning of all the wonderful gifts I got – from myself. When it was a present for him, he would pooh pooh the little things I bought him. At least I bought him SOMETHING, after all. But he would cry about how I only bought him things that he NEEDED, not things he wanted. I knew full well that I would end up getting him BOTH. I was the breadwinner in the relationship. What a Chump I was!
Mother’s day… I never got anything because I’m not his mother… true story… I think on my 1st or 2nd we were at a mother’s day party he was a jerk and then disappered. On this day when I thought I was supposed to be loved and pampered and he would take the bulk of the responsibility of our son so I could relax and interact with friends he was no where to be found for the next few hours as I looked around where we were at, took care of our son, took him for a walk to get him down for a nap stayed with him while he napped and then took him out for another walk I finally found him hiding and pouting in the car. Seriously, he said this whole thing was BS, didn’t want to be there, wanted to go home. OMG… you know it was after our son was born the he really became a jerk. Could he really be that much of an ass that he was jealous of the attention our son got from me or anyone? He certianly wants to be recognized and the best father ever and loves the accolades he gets when he brags. Is that really who he is?
That is SOOOOO who he is! He’s such a self-centered ego kibble addict, he can’t stand that a child would take your time and attention away from him. A Mother’s Day party must have been torture for him! The focus is on YOU, because you had that child who took all his kibbles!!
He showed you who he is.
My STBX had 8 jobs over the past 6 years. He was never good with budgets and money, and so of course as a chump I took over taking care of the finances. One of his “reasons” for wanting to end our marriage is that he did not know what was going on with our money. Even though I had everything organized on a spreadsheet and showed him how to access it online.
Over the 5 years of our relationship I paid for – bus trips to visit me when we first started dating, gas for my car to visit him, his back taxes, the debts for his car being towed/crushed, numerous dentist appointments, and almost our whole wedding. Whenever he was out of work we would rack up the credit card debt because we continued to go out for dinner and he would still buy alcohol.
I paid off the phone/internet/cable bill AFTER moving 300km away because otherwise I could not transfer it into his name. I am paying for our divorce (although thankfully it is non-contested, and no children and no property – so fairly cheap).
Needless to say I felt completely used, and so did my parents as they would often help us out when he was unemployed.
A year after I left the jerk, I have paid off almost $10,000 of debt. He still has a super crappy credit score and can’t take financial responsibility for anything. Yet instead of paying me back what he could, when he could – he accepted money from his parents for a new patio set, bought himself a fancy new smart phone, etc etc
Asshat!
But, but, but … you can’t expect his Specialness to be responsible for his one money and bills, surely?? How could you be so demanding?
Asshat indeed!
The 8 jobs in 6 years was my alarm in her post. There are people who also feel that employers owe them their ideal job–that somehow, the atmospheric vibrations should coincide with their personal energy levels, the mere earthlies like schedules, pay, deadlines, and um…WORK, should conform to THEIR expectations,and not the other way around. And everyone is against them, btw.
Y’ a l’air d’un vrai con. (I had to add that, since we’re all Canucks in this thread…)
A few gift stories.
First, this past Christmas, STBX was very good with his gifts. He decided to give services (gift certificates for manicures/pedicures) to the women in the family. This worked great for teenager through senior citizen. The only thing that marred it (outside of the fact I knew him to be a cheating SOB), was that he confessed to me that this was a much cheaper gift option. Now, I have no problems with economizing on gifts, but I don’t tell people that hey, I got this great idea for a gift–and it was cheap!
Second, for the entire length of our marriage, STBX has been really awful with my birthday. Initially, when I was just out of grad school and we still had a lot of my grad school friends in the area, he’d want to have a barbecue at our place. The only problem? Well, I’d have to cook, and when I told him I’d like to have a day when I didn’t have to do the cooking, he assured me he could pull it off. By the end of the party, he was angry because it turned out that coordinating cooking times was hard, but of course, that’s what I’d do when we had people over. I used to ask that we go out someplace for my birthday, but he was always “too tired” to go anywhere on a week night.
Conversely, I used to take a half a day off of work to make sure that I could make him the birthday cake or pie he’d request and whatever he wanted for supper.
This is one reason why it irks me that STBX takes OW out to dinner when he thinks he can sneak off to do it. If he’s been too tired for years to take me out, why this burst of energy on her behalf?
Then I realize he has to do it. He’s alternately love-bombing and playing Pick Me with her. And those are yet more reasons why I’m taking more steps to make him STBX.
Hehe. Idiot was 49 when he ran off with a22 year old. He would sit here every night falling asleep in front of the tv (if he wasn’t engaged on his computer) how do you suppose he stays awake now, especially with a new baby in tow?
The Mother’s Day “Gift” – me too! Wow! On Mother’s Day, my ex presented me and his mother with a box of chocolates thinking himself clever to give us a combined gift and asked us to share it.
He gave me a couple of iPods, in grand gestures. Very nice. But then there was everything else. One year I got a cooking pot and a fake plastic poo for Christmas. That’s it.
But it’s the stuff he refused to buy me–on his six-figure salary–that I bought for myself, or, worse, that my friends’ husbands paid for, that mean a lot. For example, there is the $30 pair of Converse that I get a million compliments on every time I wear them. I bought them myself the day after xH refused for no good reason. There is the $10 used book from the book store that xH refused to buy me–I bought it myself. There is the bracelet I bought on the trip to NY with my girl friends that xH refused to pay for. I was nearly broke, because he neeeeeded a $3300 a month second home (and could have easily come up with the air fare), and I “only worked part time” (you know, to take care of our three children). It was my fault if I couldn’t afford a girls’ weekend. He insisted that we keep separate bank accounts at the time. So my SAHM friends’ husbands paid my way as a surprise–and he let them. The bracelet reminds me of my friendships, and a little bit of what a DB he is.
Fake plastic poo? WTF? There’s your chump metaphor…
I told you you could ID shit miles away! 😉
Try this one on for size…
Ex (this was 10 months before we got married) wanted a new car. Went to the dealer and picked out a brand new (at the time) 2005 mustang, green with leather seats. He called me from the dealer, as I was getting out of work, to have me meet him there. Between him and the sales man, I ended up buying that new mustang…. with my Father as the cosigner (as I didn’t have much of a credit record at that point). Of course, he promised that he would always be with me so I wouldn’t have to worry about paying for it. He bought a new car for me (for him) with my and my father’s credit ratings and my money. (Be loved to slap his friends in the face -literally- with the 2k he made a week, but his credit sucked so bad he couldn’t finance a tricycle) Chumped me and my dad!
This was the car he proudly displayed as one HE bought for ME. Oh, and he took numerous young groupies and eventually the mistress out in it all the time. My car… fast forward to 2008 and my lawyer is patiently explaining that the car is my premarital property and exh cant have it unless he takes out a new loan to cover the amount I had left to pay on the original… if I agreed to it. For years afterward he’d tell everyone that the car was HIS, he paid for it! My rebuttal was, when that loan hits his credit records, he can have it.
*shakes head*
I posted about this before, but he used to love going to car dealerships to “just look.” He actually bought a car at one point (I had stopped fighting him on the issue of affording it…he wasn’t listening anyway) and he had to bring it back a week later because the bank withdrew the loan. XD
Yet he could never seem to pay my mom rent on time. All she was asking from him was $20 a week. But a new car? Sure! A new PS3 when they first came out? Yup! New games for it whenever he got a whim? Absolutely. Constantly talking about all the expensive accessories he wanted to buy for his old car? Totally.
Going on a nice date to the Cheesecake Factory ONCE? Bitch about it the whole way there and wait until the last minute to get ready. Then complain about how I’d made him dress nice because there were people there in casual jeans.
Y’know, at this point, I’m looking back on all this and laughing. Actually laughing. I haven’t been mad at myself for putting up with this for like, 3 years now. Meh is a wonderful place. It really is.
Kara, enjoy every moment of Meh; you obviously deserve to! 🙂
I remember dressing up for our first date in months (baby was 1yo), after recently finding out about one OW, we were going out and I was trying to delight! Put on a little black jersey wrap-around dress that I bought on sale at BR, that had been sitting in my closet for months with the tag on just waiting for a chance, and he complained that I was going to look overdressed for dinner and told me to take it off and put on jeans, like him. I think I almost cried. Oh and he was taking forever to get ready and we were getting late for reservation which he blamed on me for having to change out of a dress. PS I paid for dinner, as I always did since he thought a job with a boss was beneath him.
I’m an easy keeper and always have been. So the ex would buy things that interested him and give them to me. We used to joke about it: “Look what I got ME for YOUR birthday!” Things like a set of handblown glasses, pinched in the middle while the glass was still hot so that you could get a firmer grip on it and not drop it. Like so: http://www.magellantraders.com/Tumbler-Glass-16-oz-Pinched-Glass-in-Cobalt-Rim-Hand-blown-glass-from-Mexico_p_144.html
Or when he was going through a Classical Music period (usually he was CW) while trying to identify/bond with his dad, I got a CD collection (FIFTY of them) of classical music. That was at least original, and I did appreciate it. I got to use both the tumblers and the music, so I guess that’s good.
He couldn’t do a personal, intimate gift or card to save his soul though. No imagination I guess.
I got a meal in a very fancy Michelin starred restaurant for my 40th.
He paid for it with gambling winnings.
He still owes me over 10k from gambling losses.
One very expensive meal for me!
My cheater was always careful with money but not exactly mean. In this case it wasn’t cheapness as much as a total lack of interest and imagination re buying presents for anyone he was close to – me, his mother, his kids.
After he admitted adultery and I in my chumpy way forgiven him and taken him back (after all I had invested 36 years in him at that point and everyone can make a mistake can’t they!) it was our wedding anniversary. He said he would take me out to lunch and indeed did do that – but it was a sandwich and coffee on the riverbank. No flowers, no present, no attempt to show me he cared and, as I realise now, no investment in trying to make up for his infidelity. I should add that the two night stand with his ex GF the month before was in a cheapish hotel, using my AAA discount and paid for on our joint credit card. Lucky woman.
KT,
You’re not a freak. You’re a giver. You express love by giving, and you love to give. There’s nothing wrong with you. On the contrary, there’s something very right with you. But, you just need to fix your picker, and not give too much or to the wrong people, like your husband, who are too selfish to reciprocate or appreciate. Being a giver is a blessed thing, but chumps like us have to develop discernment, and that’s the hard part.
My XH graciously took his time to sign up my son for a season of soccer, emailed me to inform me of the registration, and then proceeded to dock MY child support check for the registration fee. When I commented that the child support figure was set by the court, and not subject to change or his whims, he cried poor-mouth about having to pay the $100 fee for our son and that I should be paying that since I was the one getting support.
Three days later, he went on a two-week holiday to Hawaii with his schmoopie.
Wingnut.
A good (yet former…) friend had her 50th a couple of years before me. Her hubster planned a great big party, rented a place, DJ, bar, the works. It was really fun.
Rolls around to 6 month before my 50th. I said what I’d really like would be a weekend, or even night away on the Cape or something (I’m in May so it would be just barely off-season rates).
I did say the ONE THING I did not want to do was cook and clean for my own party.
Guess what asshole did? Invited everyone we knew over to the house…told me 2 days in advance. So I cleaned, I cooked, I cried, I fumed. I had a really shitty time at my 50th birthday, that’s for sure.
And the icing on the cake? He blamed our daughter for the idea…. what jerks these people are . Really, just unspeakable jackasses.
I did an amazing surprise party for my STBX´s 40th birthday, planned to the detail with his family because they love to throw decade parties and recreate scenes from that person´s life. I was in charge of everything, catering music, videos, etc. All his family congratulated me on the Best Party Ever in their tradition. My 40th: he forgot it, and didn´t show up until midnight, I was waiting for him with a friend and my parents…so disappointed. He tried to make it up to me a year later by imitating the party I made for him and inviting some friends from the past (Highschool) which I totally did not want to see, plus it was a surprise party which I hate…it was very ackward….
My ex did cheap stuff like this but he really did his worst when we were due in hospital one afternoon for the c section delivery of our child. He told me that morning we were going to get a surprise on our way to the hospital – stupid me thought it was for me! Nope, it was a $1k snowboard for him. Anyway baby was delivered and two days later we left the hospital – ex was too cheap to pay parking in the hospital grounds so I ended up walking (carrying my own bag) through the hospital grounds AND down the street to where he’d parked the car. It was agony. Ironic thing was it was Saturday and hospital carparking was free in the weekends.
Hi Justine, 35 years ago when our 1st child our daughter was born, I didn’t get a card or a flower. He bought himself a cricket bat. He was preparing to leave me with a new baby on my own after being at work for 5 days. A new baby could not even hold his attention. My sympathy to you (you are better off without the rat) and all the other Chumps. Who knew there is such a world of pain and regret out there!!!
Thanks Maree. Sad thing is, five years after separation he’s turned the spotlight back on me, declaring I’m the love of his life and I have to come back to him. Fat chance! Unfortunately, having taken gour months to believe that no means no, he has now entered the rage stage and is attacking like he’s out to destroy my. I thought I’d left it all behind and it’s back:(
Justine, my ex told me that I am his soul mate, love of his life and he loves me to death but us being together is not an option but we could still have sex. He is now going crazy with 20 year old Asian prostitutes. When I think of his behaviour I literally want to vomit. I push it away and get on with it. Who knew I was married to such a deviant? Do yourself a favour and stand up to the coward. They back down very quickly when you confront them. Trust me, my ex is the weakest bloke I have ever met. He knows not to mess with me because I will not take anymore crap from him or our 2 adult children. It is all about me now!!
That reminds me of the time my ex wanted to take our firstborn son to his office to show him off to his coworkers. When we arrived at the office he grabbed the baby and took off for the building, leaving me to hobble far behind him. I couldn’t keep up because there’s been so much tearing, I couldn’t walk upright for weeks. Years later a woman in his office who’d been looking out the window said she couldn’t believe he ran off and left me like that…and she could tell how hard I was trying to keep up with him.
Now that right there; off that pisses me.
I will grant the ex this — he was very solicitous and “into” his little family when the kids were very little. Possessive even. They weren’t for showing off.
The very first night our daughter was born…he dropped her…and didn’t notice. He was asleep. I gave birth at home, so we were all tucked up in our (large) bed with the brand new baby. I woke up to find the baby on the floor next to him.
No. words. Twenty two years later. No. Words. (I never told her.)
Thankfully she was well padded with diapers, blankets, swaddling, little hats and heaven knows what. And the bed was close to the ground.
But I ask you, what kind of fuckwit lets a Newly Born baby slip from their grasp? Seriously??
I should have known, I should have known. This was the same guy who stood me up on our first date (an afternoon visit to a museum). He was too hungover to remember it. If I had a normal picker/response I would have run like hell right then.
Can I have a gold star for spackle, please, please, pretty please???
Named for Vera – holy crap, I thought it was just me. My then-husband dropped our newborn daughter as well. The first night we got home from the hospital with her. I was exhausted and fell into bed, desperately needing sleep. Then-husband was lying beside me on top of the covers with our two-day-old baby on his stomach. Get some sleep, he says, I’ll take care of it.
He ends up falling asleep with his infant daughter on his stomach. He shifts slightly and she rolls off his gut and takes a 3-foot fall onto the floor. I am awakened by a terrifying, shrieking-baby sound. We both look around and see the baby on the floor. Then-husband falls completely apart. We are both brand-new parents and have no idea if we should move her, call 911, or what.
Then-husband is a mess. I end up having to take charge of the whole emergency, including driving all of us to the hospital. Because we had just been there hours earlier, we rush up to the maternity ward. They send us downstairs to the emergency room. By that time, our daughter is calm and even sleepy. We don’t know if that is a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Finally, the doctor sees her. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. He tells us about the incredible resiliency of babies.
I learned that night about the incredible resiliency of mothers. I learned that I am a remarkably calm person in an emergency. I also had my first real glimpse into my then-husband’s incapacity to come through when you need him.
All the way home, further exhausted, I have to console my then-husband, even though I want to scream at him about why he didn’t think to just place the baby in the bassinet if he was feeling sleepy.
You nailed it, Named for Vera – what kind of fuckwit?
A couple weeks later, when I was learning the true meaning of sleep deprivation, I woke up in the middle of the night and the baby was crying in her nursery crib. My then-husband staggers out of bed and I think, “Oh, how sweet. He’s going to bring the baby to me to nurse.” He had not done that before then. In his state of half-sleep, then-husband goes to the nursery with his crying daughter inside, and HE CLOSES THE NURSERY DOOR AND GOES BACK TO BED.
Oh dear, I recognize the selfishness and idiocy of those douchebags when it comes to newborns (or a baby/child under 10 in general). Ex would come home at 7 in the morning after ‘partying with his friends’, wake the baby because he was smashing things on his way to the bedroom and then scream at me getting up quick enough to keep the baby quiet. He’d kick me (really KICK me) out of the bed if my son was crying because he didn’t want to get up. One evening I had to go to the store to buy him beer and when I came back, he was on the balcony with the doors closed, music on loudly, having a smoke while the baby was screaming his lungs out. When I asked why he didn’t do anything he replied “YOU shouldn’t have taken so long to get me beer. You should’ve had it here already.” And the best part of it was that he never, ever paid for the groceries/alcohol!!
ouch. my sympathies! that part of recovery was *so* not fun….
That comment about “ouch” was of course meant for Lyn…. what I wouldn’t give for a edit function! 🙂
Can I hit him with that snowboard? What kind of creep makes his just-gave-birth wife lug bags across a hospital parking lot?!
I just remembered that my favorite gift of all time from my ex was the pair of Christmas pillows his howorker picked out for me. What a gracious and thoughtful gift, the result of a nice little shopping trip they took together. He wouldn’t be caught dead in a mall with me and the kids, would pout and have a tantrum over the traffic any time he went shopping with us. You can bet I left those damn pillows when I moved out.
Overall my ex was not cheap. Until I kicked him out. Then he became positively vile and intent on destroying me financially. And he nearly did. But then he underestimated just how tough I am. I’m getting back up on my feet and if all goes well I’ll be doing VERY well very soon. He can stuff his money.
Good for you Nord!
Awesome Nord!!
Rock on, Nord. From getting to know your story here, you will prevail and triumph over petty, nasty X.
My ex wasn’t necessarily cheap with gifts or things like that, well at the end he just didn’t care… Anyway, the way this worked with us was I really was never a stuff / things person. After he retired from the military his “job” was to manage and maintain our rental properties which paid for themselves and his “stuff” or “toys” to maintain the properties. Tools, that were never used to maintain the properties or at least warranted the cost. The cheapest thing he did was do all kinds of demolition on our home so he could remodel it but ended up refusing to do the work because I didn’t respect him or our home enough to keep it clean to his standards. Meanwhile my job(s) paid for everything else… mortgage, utilities, food, cars, etc… Oh and my first job required a 2.5hr R/T commute, long hours, weekends and acusations of infidelity on my part (HAHA) and I showed up to my second job preggers which ended up requiring bedrest, extremely high blood pressure, induced labor (I drove myself to the hospital), almost losing our son due to complications, our son in the NICU for a week and me in the hospital for the same time recovering form all of that, suffered from post pardum, had to have knee surgery with in 6 months of giving birth, the surgery paralysed my leg for a long time and I still have nerve and muscle damage, still did the bulk of cooking and cleaning, kept and still have my job but it wasn’t enough, no wonder I suffer(ed) from depression. No wonder it was my fault he didn’t feel loved enough so had to cheat on me with a woman that was a close friend and witnessed everything I went through. Ya, it was my fault I didn’t have enough energy fuck him every night much initiate sex to make sure he felt sexy and desired. Yep he was cheap when it came to the things that mattered…
Oh, there is more, when he finally got a job (during our faulse reconsciliation) he moved out 5 months later to “think” 6 months after that he was still out and the tenant in the other half of the dulpex we owned (my son and I lived in) I had to pay 3/4 of the mortgage and utilities and 1/2 the materials cost for the remodel because that was fair, while he took 7-8 months to complete the remodel… he promised to be done in 30 days but true love being what it is was more important than his son and his sons mother so it didn’t matter, he had to pay rent at the love shack. I don’t know how many times I told him I shouldn’t have to pay for jack shit because he left, i didn’t kick him out. If that was what he wanted these things were the consequences. To tell you the truth I was taken aback 3 weeks ago when he realized how he screwed me over, he said he would cover all the cost of the remodel. Yes, I was suspicious so I asked why and got documented proof that it was not to possition himself favorably for divorce proceedings. It was to soothe his guilt… not for anything or anyone else… Boy am I a chump, but at least I’m in recovery. I just need to keep from relapsing and believing his version of the truth is the right one.
Peace to all recoving chump…
Flowers, ugh, you’ll love this… He stopped getting me flowers because I let the dead flowers die to quickly… Really? Does how long the flowers last show on how much I love you? Or were that meant to show how much you loved me? Are the flowers about me or you? Was everything about you? It was wasn’t it? Fucking dickhead…
My loser SPONGE/cheating/lying ex depleted my groceries faster than I can replace them, he was/is a bottomless pit, which made my grocery bill more than quadrupled, my utilities doubled, yet he couldn’t/wouldn’t even buy a gallon of milk, because he was supposedly always broke and never had any money, yet he always managed to buy a brand new vehicle every 2 years then pimp it up(so he can pick up chicks DUH!) and never told me how much he made (it was like a national security secret) Couple of months before I dumped him for good, The fucker took my old dresser in my garage that I was using to store things and told me its junk and he was going to take it to his work and put it in a dumpster along with blinds for a big window (nothing wrong with it, in perfect shape and yet like a dog with a bone, he kept arguing about it and it’s my shit, in my garage!) like he was doing me a favor, just that 2, like my garbage dudes can’t take that,(they weren’t junk btw) yeah right, I went in then came out 5 minutes later, shit he already loaded it in the back of his truck and dumped everything in a cardboard box. WTF!but the way he put it in his truck didn’t look like they were going to a dumpster and I knew it, so I said “there is nothing wrong with it, you can easily sell it for $20.00” just to see what he would say, remember the dresser and the blinds are complete junk according to him, plus the idiot was whining to a single mom, me, that he had no gas money and when I said that, his reply, looking so sad(pity play)“I sure could use a $20.00, I am just so broke and I really need the money” 2 weeks after I dumped the fucker he went and bought a 40K brand new truck!. How pitiful, disgusting loser/user! (he is in his late 40’s, I am in my early 40’s)now what a chump I was!
If it wasn’t enough I was paying for everything and he had a full time job btw and not paying a dime for anything, (freeloading) on top of that he also wanted me to put his name on my bank account and my savings and make him the beneficiary for everything,(I have 2 children why would I make him the beneficiary, so he can get it and his kids when he never even put a penny towards anything that I have and own?) including my house, my vehicles, my high end goodies in my house. Geez I guess it wasn’t enough I was paying for everything, including the food he inhaled daily so he could also drain my savings on top of all that, luckily I wasn’t that big of a chump, otherwise he would’ve been laughing all the way to the bank now with my things and money! If it wasn’t enough he sponged off of me for everything, his kids every summer on top of that, having a hell of a vacation on my dime plus I cleaned their endless messes and no peace at my house, him and his family (especially his mother) tried to threaten me after I kicked him out, by saying, doesn’t matter who bought or paid for anything, after 7 years everything is 50/50, but morons didn’t know the EXACT laws and I just laughed to their stupidity and put them in their place and he knew I would’ve ripped him to shreds in court anyways! He and his whole family is fucked up and they need serious help…
Anyways, Our last Christmas he gave me a $40.00 gift certificate for a restaurant, then a week later he said hey lets go there, we did, the bill was $120.00 and guess who foot that dinner bill? Me the BIGGEST chump! I used that gift card towards it, but he gave me a Christmas gift you know, which was used to pay for his food and more money out of my pocket for that dinner which mostly he ate, but hey I can’t say he didn’t give me Christmas gift! You see how that works?
The best part? I had found later while he was sponging off of me all that time, for everything, when he never helped with anything, he was whining to others he was so broke because I was spending all his money and because of all the gifts that he was buying for me! !! Now how you like them cookies?!?!
I’m so mad at myself for being such a CHUMP! And I am still SMH…..
Well, after thinking he would start looking at things differently when I got pregnant, everything got worse! He took me out for dinner for my birthday and it was really nice, but he was dressed sloppy. I asked him why he didn’t dress up and he said he didn’t need to impress me anymore. Just to find out that a month later on Facebook, he was “impressing” someone else. So he felt like his money was better spent making himself look better to this other woman, than supporting his pregnant wife. I still wanted to think things would change… I know, it did not and now he feels like his money is all his and I had this baby, so I deal with it. Well, Chumplady, you probably don’t remember my story, but after stupidly thinking a unicorn would appear, I finally filed for divorce! The madness is over for now! All I can say is I have a beautiful baby girl and he can suck it!
Mine got worse after pregnancy too.
He got stoned and drunk on my birthday. I ended up cooking dinner. No cake, no celebration, nothing. This was after him telling me for weeks that I was going to have a wonderful birthday party as he knew that birthdays were non-existant in my family growing up. He got stoned with his friend, completely ignored me, played music, and I ended up going to bed alone crying myself to sleep.
You’re braver than me with getting a divorce. Congrats girl!
I had my struggle with the whole situation. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world without both their parents, it’s a strong belief for me. He begged me to keep the child, because at that time we were not on good terms and I knew he was acting shady about some stuff. I went through so much hell during my pregnancy finding out about the affair 7 months pregnant and then him saying his girlfriend will continue to be in his life because they’ll always be “friends.” I couldn’t take the abuse and pain anymore. I wasn’t doing any favors to my daughter and I don’t deserve that kind of treatment from anybody.
Stay strong Lily. I thought I would lose everything and ruin my daughters future, but I’ve gained a lot more than I could imagine emotionally and mentally, and my daughter will never see the abuse that has happened to me.
Good for you Alicia! I’m so glad you’re OUT. You and your daughter deserve PEACE.
They can’t stand it once kids come along and they don’t get the spotlight anymore.
This is so true….after DDay my STBX argued that when I had our first daughter I started ignoring him and so by our second daughter he was entitled to cheat because I was acting like a “Mom”!
My kids are all out of the house and have been for six years, and live in another state. But Cheater gave as one of his reasons for cheating that I “paid too much attention to” my kids and not enough to him.
The only gift I ever received from my cheater ex was 4 used geeky tshirts (Star Wars, etc.) that he no longer wore. Meanwhile, he spent thousands of dollars every 3 months, to go to Thailand and (as I found out later), sleep with Thai whores and his Thai prostitute-gf… That’s about $4000 a year, to get his dick wet with other women…. Not to mention that he constantly bought himself new gadgets off ebay (they weren’t expensive stuff, but at least he could’ve thought of getting me something like that, instead of his used tshirts!). The sad and funny thing is that I was so incredibly happy for getting that present… it meant that he had thought of me.. LOL That’s pretty crazy, now that I think of it…
Hi Lara … my 61 year old ex husband loves 20 year old Cambodian and Vietnamese prostitutes. Our daughter is 35 years old and she seems okay with her father’s behaviour. She hates me so anything is better than me. The ex is now setting up as an agent for a Cambodian real estate company. Getting ready to move soon. We live in Melbourne, Australia so it is a long way to go to have sex. We do have Asian brothels here in Melbourne I have been told. A very expensive exercise I must say. He is an absolute idiot and he is now bragging about his exploits to his work colleagues like a teenager. I hope he gets taken for everything he has. It just breaks my heart but I am glad he is now my ex.
I don’t get bragging that he has to pay to get laid. *shaking head in bewilderment*
Chump in the Sand … because he is a bloody idiot. It’s big boy stuff and it makes him feel taller than his 5 ft 9 ins because he doesn’t have much else to brag about, if you get my insinuation!!
Sounds all too familiar, especially as far as him bragging about his exploits to work colleagues go. Mine apparently bragged to his work mates about his exploits in Thailand. I only found out much later. It’s funny how they don’t think it’s pathetic to brag about paying to have sex, possibly with STD-infected prostitutes. I am glad I only got away with getting 4 used t-shirts as a gift. At least I didn’t get an STD as a gift. I once found a tshirt that said, “my ex went to Thailand and I only got the clap as a souvenir.” We must consider ourselves lucky.
There’s always a silver-lining here in Chumpland….
Oh yes!!! I can’t stop counting my blessings that I got away in one piece (physically if not emotionally). He actually even told me, on our first date, that women were golddiggers. I thought it was just a comment about some women, and dismissed it (hormones and idiocy, I blame thee!). I thought I would prove to him that I am not one of THOSE. That I am not a golddigger. I turned out to be yet another statistic in his long list of “golddigging” exes, I guess. For having expected more than an STD and a 4-pack of used tshirts. LOL
1. Took “depreciation money” from me monthly to pay for a car with no loan (that is, paid for in full). I worked part-time while going to school full-time. He had enough disposable income to pay for cars (multiple) in full. (I wrote about this yesterday).
2. I paid for my groceries, item for item. He would pay for them and then write out my balance on an itemized Excel spreadsheet.
3. For our last (unbeknownst to me) Christmas together, we were supposed to go out of the country. He left a couple of days before the holiday. All I got was a pack of day planners. They came in handy when I was coordinating visits with attorneys and documenting all the charges I was going to list if I had to do the dirty work and sue him for divorce.
4. He took me to Tiffany’s to try on engagement rings. When it came time to actually buy the ring, he took me to the mall. I just asked that my ring not be purchased at Zales. Anywhere but Zales. The ring was then purchased on-line from Zales.
5. He hoarded bags upon bags of hotel toiletry items. I seriously contemplated donating them to a women’s shelter as a vicarious good deed toward womankind. I did not. All the soap in that bag could not clean up his character.
6. In our final division of assets, he said I could take anything, just anything I wanted, except for the two (major) items I specifically request. By then, the facade was gone and I understood everything he owned was shit. Off-brand, on-sale, out-dated shit. It also occurred to me that he was up to something and I was not going to make his life any easier by paying to move shit out of the house. If he wanted a new house or new furniture, he could literally figure out how to pick up the pieces of his craptastic life. After all, I had to.
Clearly, there is no end to this man’s dicketry.
I hate what you had to go through, but I’m glad you’re outta there.
It just reads like a bunch of small insults that reinforce each day that You Owe Him. You’re not special, you’re not worth doing for, and it reads as passive aggressive. (Please not Zales. You get Zales. You can have “everything” except for exactly the two items you want, etc.)
My cheater was very similar — he could not “do” for anyone unless there was a score card. Yours literally had an Excel spreadsheet.
Yes! The “Debit and Credit Columns of Marriage to a Douchebag! “Hon, can you put the wash in the dryer (you know, that machine two feet from your desk where you looked at porn)?” “Well, okay, but can you bring me a soda?” Every. Fucking. Request.
Hmph.
I pay for everything on a really low income, AND take care of the kids. He spends his money and mine on antiques, and asks me for more money so he can buy more antiques. And still tries to use the line on me that he’ll pay me back, despite him not having paid me back all the other times I’ve given him large amounts of money so he can buy his antiques. He wonders why I won’t give him driving powers over my finances.
He has never bought me any flowers (and he knows I love flowers). I pay for every coffee on outings. He has more clothes (really nice clothes) than I do.
He took her out to coffee outings. He bought her jewelry (and he’s never bought me any jewelry). At the end of the day though, the person he’s spent the most money on is himself.
Money comes first with him. Me and the kids come second. No thought as to how we’ll live in days/weeks/months to come without money to feed/clothe/pay the rent. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m really good with money, we’d be living in his rent-free, one-bedroomed dump (a real dump) with nothing to feed ourselves with except maybe charity donations. Sometimes I get so angry over it all, and then I get over it and resign myself to fuckdom. I think I’m really depressed. :-/
Are you guys just separated and trying to reconcile? Because I’m surprised a divorce settlement would leave you that fucked over…
No, we’re still together. I don’t know how to leave, sounds stupid I know, I know not to believe in unicorns, and he swears black and blue he won’t do it again, but he’s got a long history (not just with me) of cheating in relationships. So I know he’ll do it again, I just can’t do it at the moment.
I was married before, have 3 kids, was alone for 6 years, like really alone because my family disowned me when I was a teenager. I’m so tired, just recently went through a majour death in the family. I remember the shame I went through when I left my violent ex-husband, my family still talk about that marriage as though I am defected, and now they use this one against me too because of the age difference (he’s 23 years older than me) and yet if I leave, they’ll use that against me too. What a failure huh? Anyways, family law court was no fun first time around, don’t know if I could handle it again, if I do leave him, I would grant him 50-50 care of our baby, but I don’t know if he’d agree to it…
Sorry to go on, I have no one to talk to about this stuff. I really do blame myself.
I am so sorry Lily, hang in there and fuck them all! Get strong and dump his ass, please believe me life is better without the fucktard in your life. Don’t live your life for others, live your life for you because its your life to live, not theirs.
Do you have a temporary support order? Where are you in the divorce process? He shouldn’t have a chamber pot to piss in.
Haha, love the chamber pot comment Chump Lady! He actually is trying to convince me at the moment for us to buy a chamber pot for our bedroom O_o because he doesn’t like having to walk down the stairs every night to the bathroom.
I challenge thee, Chump Nation!
How many of you can say:
“Cheaters chumpchange chumps with cheap shit”
3 times really fast?????
Only after a drink!!
Ooh! There’s a good post — chump tongue twisters!
Lol! Hubby said chubby chimpmunk chump when he tried it!
I’ve got to stop reading this site. I get so angry. Haha.
In my case, XH actually would have bought me any lavish gift that I wanted. He is all about image and desperately wants to live Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. I was always the responsible one however, that felt keeping a roof over our heads and having some savings was a good thing. He of course, allowed me to live on the cheap, but bought himself whatever he wanted. When I would call him out on an expensive purchase, he would whine “buuuuuuuuuuut, I woooooooork sooooooooo hard. It’s juuuuuuuuuuuust one thing”. Only the “one thing” happened weekly and it was never cheap. Designer sunglasses, designer clothing, expensive electronics, etc.
I had a hardcore financial discussion with him at one point with a plan to pay our debt down and make a plan for our future. He agreed verbally and then did whatever he wanted. After DDay, I discovered that he had maxed out four credit cards funding his affair and his expensive taste. Now that he lives with OW, he drives a Mercedes SUV, she drives a Mercedes convertible. They have been to Europe four times in the past six months. They only wear high end designer clothing and eat at the most expensive restaurants. He does pay his alimony and CS (which makes me think he has to be in debt up to his eyeballs to fund his lifestyle), but when I asked him for the deposit for DD’s school next fall he balked (he agreed to pay this in the divorce). He said he would need time to come up with that money. Then I discovered he and OW joined a very expensive health club in our area that has a $2500 initiation fee. The school deposit was $2,000. I did eventually get the deposit, but he complained about what a financial hardship it was to come up with.
Her crotch must be one of the Seven Wonders for all of the nice upkeep.
Mine pleaded poverty while he was going on international vacations, taking his mistress on a cruise, and buying new vehicles.
Oooh, I have another one! When I was 7 months pregnant with our first child we went out to Subway together on our lunch break. (We worked at a call center because the recession had killed both of our jobs within a month of each other. Pregnant in poverty – fun times!)
As many of you probably know, you’re not supposed to eat cold cuts when you’re pregnant. I wanted to get a veggie sub, but it’s always cheaper to split a footlong. Well, he didn’t want a veggie sub and insisted that I get the cold cut sandwich to split with him. (I had them nuke the thing to kill the bacteria.) Then, I seriously wanted a package of cheetos that cost $1.50. Now, I’m not a big junk food person, but I was very pregnant and very stressed out/tired. He flipped out on me in front of everyone saying, “You don’t deserve Cheetos. You work at a call center. If you want to buy Cheetos you should buy a big damn bag of them because they’re less expensive in bulk”. I told him to stop making a scene, but he kept on ranting for the rest of our meal. I was mortified because the sandwich gal and people behind us in line looked absolutely appalled.
He really cares a lot about money in general. Now that we’re both making decent money he’s not as bad, but the memory remains.
“You don’t deserve Cheetos.”
I nominate this line as deserving of divorce even without infidelity.
And you wanna talk about what *cheaters* deserve? Because it’s something less indulgent than a cheese-flavored, puffed cornmeal snack food. Like, say, tapeworms and anal fissures.
Jeez, Louise.
Seconded!
Anal fissures! XD
Anal fissures! HAHAHA. Exactly what my ex deserves.
In 30 years never a Christmas gift, a Valentine or a birthday present. Never flowers, never candy…nada. He’d give me long lists of what he wanted, including store names, aisle numbers and SKUs.
The Christmas before he left me (he was already screwing his whore unbeknownst to me), I saw charges on the credit card for lingerie and jewelry stores. I thought wow, maybe now that the youngest is in college he’s finally woken up. Nope. For Christmas that year I finally did get a gift – a flannel nightgown from L.L. Bean that looked as though it was a leftover from Little House on the Prairie. Seems the shopping he was doing was for his whore.
When the kids were little and would ask him why Santa never brought Mommy a present, he’d tell them that was because Mommy was bad. By the time they were big, they just thought it was normal for a man not to give his wife a gift. Gotta love these mindfuckers.
This thread is making me so sad. The emotional abuse endured, not even including the cheating, is just horrendous. And in front of your kids.
Im curious, just to break down your specific scenario, do you think he didn’t buy you presents b/c you “were bad” , ie he was unhappy with you, didn’t think you were deserving? to me that screams of a narc projecting his own self-loathing and low self esteem onto his partner. What do you think in his mind justified you not being worth of gifts? B/c you didn’t cater to his every whim?
And then the gahl of him to have his own wish list and expect gifts from you.
SMDH AGAIN at this thread
HUGS to all
No, he was just a cold and heartless prick. I really believe he was incapable of thinking about what would please me or anyone else. He’d make me buy his secretary’s gift, gifts for the kids, etc. It was all about him. He is a narc, however while I was married to him I just thought he was just quiet and not well-mannered. I thought he just had idiosyncrasies and that he just wasn’t very emotionally demonstrative. I’m sure many of us have done that – we look the other way because we’re so enmeshed in our lives and in raising our children.
Now that I’m several years out I can see him for what he is – a total narc with a secret life. He was content and happy with the life we had because it allowed him to have his secret life, a single life that I was never a part of. I was so busy raising my kids that I just let him get away with it.
In retrospect, I think the fear of raising two kids on my own and being alone is what kept me there. On some level I always knew he was a bastard.
By the way, two Decembers after my divorce I was telling a male friend about never getting a Christmas gift from my husband. That year my friend showed up at my house with two large shopping bags filled with dollar store items – one for each year I was married. Some were funny, some poignant. He had wrapped each and every one of them. I cried as I opened each one. But on the final year’s gift I smiled as I opened up a large bag with 30 narcissus bulbs inside – one for every year I endured with a narcissist. As spring approaches those bulbs are getting ready to bloom again. And they don’t remind me of the narc I was married to, they remind me of the very sweet man who gave them to me.
Life is good.
My 4yo is still asking why mommy didn’t get any presents under the tree for Christmas, he thinks that was weird (thk god!)! Sadly par for the course. But, I did get one present: a pair of $15 cotton leggings, and STBX husband said I had guilted him into getting me a present in the first place even though he didn’t want to when I said thank you! (WTF!! He said that in front of our child.) I had even given him my credit card a couple days earlier at the museum store and said “hey, buy something cool for our son, and maybe a present for me too?” Instead he bought a remote-control helicopter, wrapped it and addressed it to daddy from Santa. I had also given him $200 that week to help him out at his request… I think they went to the earrings he had so loving wrapped for his ho-worker that he was fondling a week later. Fucking chumped.. my lil boy too still wonders why Santa didn’t bring Mommy presents..
This is the cheapest thing I know.
I told him several times I loved flowers. Never got them. Ever. During the unicorn time he sent me 2 interflora things. So that is 2 bunches in 22 years. I was hoped for a bunch of something he picked out, you know?
We never, ever went out. Ever. Not even to the movies. Because he wasn’t interested in my company or spending time with me.
During the unicorn times (hmpf) I asked him (I was a SAHM, he is always going to restaurants) that I wanted to go to Nobu in London. He was supposed to be looking at himself and changing!!
Never went.
Not doing things, even when you are asked, even when you are in last chance saloon, because it isn’t anything you want or are interested in, is the cheapest sh* ever.
Well you know, it’s all because You’re Not the Boss of Him.
Was it your idea? You can’t be boss!
CL you hit it! You are one sharp lady…
I was so lost in the meanness of all of that, I forgot to list what he bought for himself:
a porsche. a ducatti. a sailing boat. a moto guzze. a maserati. a triumph. 3 expensive watches, handmade shoes and suits. a macbook air and an iphone. So that is 2 sportscars and 3 sports motorbikes. only the best for asshole. sorry about the flat affect, but it hurts.
Oh yeah, the other place I asked to go to, was lunch in Franshoek (a gourmet place near Cape Town). Never went – but now I am going with my girlfriends, yippeee!
It is funny how my ex also is so sloppy around me. He doesn’t go out of his way to dress nice, shave, and looks tired and mad. But come the weekend he puts himself together like he’s going on his first date. It’s sad because when he’s with me people think our son is his grandson. I must look like is daughter. But he is cheap. He’d always want to drink a bottle of wine at home before going to dinner so then he wouldn’t have to get a bottle. He’d say I’m good we had our wine. Really you had wine you dumb prick!
One other thing is that I cook all the time and he takes the OW out to dinner. I never understood it.
My X always bought me nice jewelry and flowers so I can’t really say he was a cheap ass. But alas, he only did it because it was good cover. Turns out he bought flowers and jewelry for the OW too.
But since I want to play too . . . I once dated a narc who did the following:
1) Went to a famous steakhouse in Chicago and he stole the pepper grinder and presented it to me as a gift for Valentine’s day.
2) Once stole a lobster out of a tank at a sea food restaurant and left it on my porch, rang the bell and ran away.
3) Bought me a pink fleece sweat-jacket from Walmart for Christmas and left the tag in it.
That’s all I got. The sex was good anyway. 🙂
HOLY SHIT RUMBLEKITTY ROTFLMFAO (while it’s on fire….)!!!!!
OMG WHO DOES THIS?
Who steals LOBSTERS???
One Valentine’s day, rather than buy me anything, he treated me to a ribeye steak he cut into the shape of a heart.
Another time, we stayed at the Sofitel in Chicago, (I paid of course) and he stuffed the pillows into his suitcase and I didn’t even notice till we got to his place. Dude was a laugh riot; sort of crazy too.
I told you. The sex was quite good. Lol.
P.S. He came back and we ate the lobster. (burp)
You really can’t make this shit up.
I’m not surprised about him being a good shag–he’s clearly uninhibited….
True dat – And at least he didn’t cheat on me like the X did. :D. Well, not that I know of . . .
I get a juicer for Christmas. The other woman gets a trip to Jamaica.
Hey!
You got anti-oxidants–she could have gotten Hep B!
(smearing more spackle…)
I am new to this site but have learned a lot about my lying, cheating stbx. I did not know he was seeing his married girlfriend at that time. This last Christmas I did not receive a gift from him. I did however notice an unusual charge on my credit card that I did not recognize for about $200. When I disputed the charge I got a copy of the charge with his signature on it. When I confronted him about he told me he bought gifts for his family. Instead it was household gifts for his gf. I got stuck paying the bill.
Holy shit! He bought himself a housewhore on your plastic!
I hope you have points….
Mine bought himself a push present. It was, after all, his first child. I told him to return his 400-dollar ID bracelet or GTFO. He took it back but was REALLY upset that I was acting like that. Then I got an espresso cake for my first Mother’s Day. I was nursing. Baby was up for 12 hours — I don’t do caffeine and didn’t read the darn thing before eating a piece…my fault really. Next Mother’s Day, there was no card or anything BUT he was going to buy donuts. I thought this was code for “shopping for a beautiful gift.” He came back with donuts. He ate all of them. I asked for love letters, playlists, expressions of love…I got turds. He now does arts and craps with the girlfriend and her kids. He wears the MOST ghetto looking “dog tag” with a key on it….I can only assume it’s the key to her black, shriveled heart. I am a chump.
“…her black, shriveled heart.” That is pure gold!
You are no chump. You just made a complete stranger pee herself with laughter. Bravo sister. 😀
You are a riot. Thanks for giving a sad girl a good laugh!
My ex was always mean with money, everything had to be done on the cheap. When his father died and left him a substantial sum…. he told me his brother had kept it all. I found out later that he had a secret account with tens of thousands stashed away while we had no carpet upstairs.
I always loved going to Ikea but hated the drive, so one year I asked him if I could have HIM as my birthday present, if he would take the day off to drive me there…. he did.
Guess whose credit card got used! For many years after that, I got nothing.
When the children were little, I would save and buy all their Christmas presents… he got a big bonus one year and treated HIMSELF to a very expensive toolbox!!
And it wasn’t even big enough to bury him in!!
“And it wasn’t even big enough to bury him in!!”
OK, that totally made me snort Coca-Cola up my nose!!
I was married for 42 years never got so much as a card for birthdays, Christmas or Valentines day for the first 16 years of my marriage. I went out of my way to buy him unique and thoughtful gifts. I finally got a cheap present for my birthday now and than because my children were old enough to guilt him into it. The most expensive gifts I got were dildos and vibrators he bought on line-no expense spared there! I left him on our 3#DDay and a few months after our divorce was final my children helped me pack up my things to move and found out he packed up all my “special” gifts and took them out of state to visit the OW he had been screwing for the last 18 months. He is so cheap he couldn’t even buy her her own “special” gifts. Can you imagine used sex toys, although she didn’t care he was used . GROSS
I just remembered that when we went to buy our rings that he took me only to the chain that gave him a discount. He didn’t buy flowers either because ‘he didn’t think I would like what he chose’ – dandelions picked from someone’s lawn would have been fine with me but a simple bunch of tulips would have been great. When we were out he wouldn’t go out to eat because we could eat at home better. The list goes on. This thread has made me revise my earlier post – he was cheap. But to be fair he hasn’t spent money on OW either – guess he is too old to change.
My ex was pretty cheap, although when he did spend money, like many of the narcs mentioned here, he wanted EVERYONE to know it and admire it!
But mostly my ex was cheap in spirit, if you know what I mean. I’ll never forget my 40th birthday; I was 4 months preggers with our first child, working a lot so exhausted (he was unemployed at the time … not the only time either.) We were going to splurge by going out for sushi, had a reservation at a place about 10 blocks away, usually just a nice walk. But it was after work, I was SOOOO tired and quickly out of breath, and after a block I said I couldn’t do it, we should grab a cab ($5 tops, and we knew we’d spend probably $100 on the sushi and HIS Japanese beer). He gave me such a hard time about ‘wasting money for nothing’, I started crying right there in the street and went home. He eventually did coax me back out, but for me my birthday was ruined – I felt so devalued.
Shoulda opened my eyes then and walked. Instead I later left that great job in the city I’d always dreamed of living in, to move across the country to where he could find work. Sigh.
I rarely got any presents. Once he bought cheap grocery store flowers for my birthday, but the kids were with him and I think they encouraged it. He bought me the Stephen Colbert book for Christmas one year. That was my favorite. I always made sure he had a few things under the tree, but that book was the only thing I ever got.
He spends a TON of money on camping/hiking/kayaking equipment for himself.
Since I had never received an anniversary gift from my husband, my good friend talked him into finally buying me a decent diamond for our 30th anniversary. Gotta say it WAS decent. Now that we’re splitting assets he wants that diamond as part of the assets. No fucking way, asshole. A gift is a gift, is it NOT?
It is! And is not considered a marital asset! My STBX asked me to hock my earrings & engagement ring because “they didn’t mean anything to me now”. I told him they were gifts, so no, I wouldn’t be doing that. Douche canoe!
What you figure out later is that it is all for manipulation. At first he gave you sweet presents, the wild flowers he picked himself, check, the valentine gift of a huggable bear and the thoughtful card, check, he noticed you like a particular musician and got you that CD you wanted, check. Later, when he’s got you locked, is sure you are not going anywhere? That all dries up. Little by little he changes, somehow over time he just never knows what you want, even when he asks and you tell him, he just can’t remember. After a while he barely tries, that’s where the expensive things you absolutely do NOT want come in or the cheap ass crap. Or, how about when he buys the same fucking present for you and his OW.
You look back and it is easy to see he never gave a fuck about you, he used you and to do that he woo’d you at first. Then he just threw you crumbs. It is so good not to have assholes in our lives, isn’t it?
Testify, Dat! No assholes all by itself is like Christmas every day.
ABSOLUTELY DAT!! I second that! 🙂
Brought me grocery store flowers the day after I delivered my son. (Brought the nurse’s bagels and cream cheese, “Oh, isn’t he sweet?!”)
Bought me a fake mesh ring – I call it the “Riffany” ring. Snagged everything I wore it with. He said he had to get it from some ripoff website because Tiffany discontinued it online. It’s been a best seller for more than a decade. Bought myself the real deal as a divorce gift to myself.
Procured a jewelry box and travel roll from his ho-worker as a Christmas gift to me. It had special properties to protect fine jewelry…I didn’t have any (see above).
Insisted we redeem hotel points for trips. He racked up points for work travel at a large chain that’s nothing special. I had to spring for it if I wanted to stay in a nicer hotel.
I could go on and on…as could all of us. The cheapest thing he did? All of those ho-bags.
Mine buys discount roses from the grocery store – the 50% off ones that are past their expiration date – and presents them to me as if they’re a gift. He bought them right in front of me, often with MY money.
Over 17 years and two children together, gifts included several $15OO Stratocaster electric guitars, a new truck, a very nice Harmon Karmon stereo set, a beautiful new Honda motorcycle, and a PC when they were just out (and very expensive). O wait, those were HIS gifts to HIMSELF.
What I got him in return? The privilege of supporting his butt during his 12 years of higher education based on the premise that when he graduated, I would go part time after years of supporting the family – to spend time with our kids and attain an MBA .
What he gave me over 16 years never cost more than $100 at the most – and I recall the $100 gift being a nice set of ceramic flour cannisters for the kitchen for Xmas one year.
Until DDay. Then I was very special. Super, super special. I came home to a new car in the driveway. Just for me! Financed somehow using my name and SS#. A lovely diamond ring, “Cuz I should have got it for you a long time ago”, put on a credit card I had to pay. Surprise!
Yay, me.
OH to add:
The first Christmas my current husband and I celebrated with our blended clan – my kids hand me a box to open “FROM DAD”. And in front of my husband and our kids, and my parents – great big ring from XH.
“They tip badly, they make you drive crappy used cars (with flashing engine lights), they recycle engagement rings (or give you fakes), they give you their half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat. ”
CL must know my STBX!!!! He bought a new Mercede and told me that I should drive his 6 years old Nissian Altima. At the time, some of my female friends were all upset about it. Being a Chump, I defended him and told them he did it because he knows I do not care about car. Guess what….he used his Mercede to pick up his affair partner.
He could not cheat me on the engagement ring because I told him to let me do the picking and I watched him pay the bill. 🙂
One Christmas he BESTOWED a box of copy paper to me that he stole from the company office where he temporarily worked. But, he did wrap it in Christmas paper (that I bought).
He also went to Hedonism alone later the next year because he “just needed to get away from being unemployed.”
Sometimes, I want to dope slap myself.
My ex also went to Hedonism alone, because he had worked hard for 4 whole years and needed a vacation. Of course I couldn’t go with him and it never occurred to me I hadn’t had a vacation in 10 years so why does he get to go. When he got back I found out he had hooked up with swingers, that was me catching him cheating the first time, swingers… He did all the right things, I forgave him and trusted him again, then 14 years later…tada! chump…
I have to add this; before he went to Hedonism, he told me how jealous all his buddies at work were because their wives would never trust them to go on vacation alone. He was all smiles and thank yous to me for not being a jealous SO, and I was laughing at all those wives who didn’t trust their husbands. I had forgotten all about that until today. You know what? I still think if you can’t trust your SO then forgettaboutit
Wow! Maybe we do have twins in real life!
oh my goodnesss….my ex really wanted to go to Hedonism, too…..gross.
Same here. He came home and had an HIV test because “…dammit, some drunk woman put her tongue down his throat in the naked jaccuzzi.” Good times.
P.S. I’ll never be certain that it wasn’t a paid man and a dick down his throat. Too many signs.
He gave our son a used Wii for his birthday last year. When son didn’t gush as expected, dear old dad yelled at him and dropped him off early. My son was crushed. Later that night, his brother mentioned that Dad’s bimbo’s daughter was selling a Wii on Craigs List.
He recycled gifts but built himself a very nice bar in his new pad complete with on-tap brew, although I suspect the “bim” paid for it all. I hope they choke on it.
I could go on, but I’d hog the thread.
Here are some of mine:
1. Cheap engagement ring, wedding ring was “loaned” by his father (it belonged to his deceased mother)
2. The only time I received roses were the day after the first Dday.
3. Last Christmas I got a chocolate bar, OW got a vibrator and fancy lingerie.
4. We went on a family trip for New Year´s (which I paid for) and on the last day I wanted to buy a $20 dollar craft wooden bowel to remember the place by…he got very upset and said that I was wasting too much money….a week after we get back from the trip, he is about to leave on a 15 day “research trip” (he is a professor) and tells me he will stay with a friend to not spend extra money. The night before, I discover that he has rented a furnished apartment for him and the OW (Dday#2). I am devastated, he leaves on the trip anyway and writes an email back explaining that he had to do it for work reasons and could not fail his obligations with the university.
“We went on a family trip for New Year´s (which I paid for) and on the last day I wanted to buy a $20 dollar craft wooden bowel to remember the place by…he got very upset and said that I was wasting too much money”
Hee hee…..i had to beg STBX for 15mins to buy a sign costing $3 at Ross clearance section while he drive a Mercede.
My ex was beyond cheap! After 10 years of dating, he gave me a plain diamond even though we discussed more elaborate settings. He did not want to dirty his pants so did not get down on one knee (yes, I should have run away!)
He gave me a necklace for our 5 year anniversary and proudly announced that it was the last piece of jewelry he would ever buy me.
I planned two surprise birthday parties for him, he barely acknowledged my birthday. We lived in an old apartment with nothing modern since he did not want to spend extra money to live in the same neighborhood. He now lives in a modern building with a garage and dishwasher. Price – 4 times the price of where we lived.
I could go on and on……
NYC Chump
Mine was cheap about everything with everyone including himself. It was really disgusting. Whenever there was a sample or something free, he would run to take one. It really revolted me. I never knew or dated anyone cheap and I now know I never will again. It really does reflect in all areas when someone is cheap, they are cheap with love and everything else.
I am sure he went to bargain basement hookers on Craigslist and for handjobs as well in massage parlors. Ewwww, I still can’t believe I dated someone like that for almost a year.
So glad he is out of my life.
I think of the financial cheapness as often being a reflection of their lack of spiritual and personal generosity. Stingy, flinty, nasty people. Another red flag I won’t ignore again (although I admit it was harder to see when we were starting out and broke!)
My ex actually got me nice gifts and plenty of them for most of our marriage. We made a big deal out of the holidays, and would get each other a lot of gifts. But those gifts meant nothing, since he was fucking other people left and right the entire time. Once the marriage ended, and he didn’t pretend to be a nice guy to me anymore, he showed a bit more of his true colors, however.
Shortly after our separation, he asked to use my minivan to take son on a camping trip. He asked if the van had a full tank of gas, I texted no, only 1/4 tank. He made a huge fuss that I should fill the tank, that I was a horrible person if I didn’t do so, blah blah blah. Because I was still a huge chump back then, I filled the tank before trading cars for the weekend. Low and behold, when I got into his car, the gas tank was completely on empty.
“They tip badly, they make you drive crappy used cars (with flashing engine lights), they recycle engagement rings (or give you fakes), they give you their half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat.”
You forgot the best part of my gift of the half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat was his text saying he was giving it to me because it gave him bad gas. LOL, there is no end to his freakiness. I threw the cereal out, even though I like Cream of Wheat, because I got paranoid that maybe he had poisoned it or something.
and my wheel of gouda from Amsterdam airport, whilst he gave our 6 year old daughter silver Tiffany.
The half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat!! Still makes me laugh!!
It’s a great story Glad. You can’t make this shit up!
During her affair, she got me nothing for Christmas. She told our kids that I was hard to buy for.
During this time she stopped paying the bills. When I saw the late notices, I took control of the checkbook and discovered that “we” had over twenty thousand dollars in credit card debt. To this day I have no idea what “we” purchased, but I can tell you exactly how long it took to pay that all off.
Yeah, funny how they can’t do commitment, but we’re committed to their debts.
OMG Tracy, you are sharp.. What you said is right on! WOW!
Yes. I paid off credit card debt for him too. This because I cut up his card to stop him spending money and he simply stopped paying. He stopped paying his credit bills, his old phone bills (oh that’s why he changed numbers when e got that new phone) and other bills too until suddenly he got a letter threatening jail time. Stupid me believed it had been sent to him in error. He set up a secret loan which when I found it, I paid it. Shoulda let him go to jail. Bugger!
A few weeks before d-day we had an argument because he didn’t want to spend money on a dining table so we could have my family over for Christmas.
The week after, he spent over two grand on leather seats for his car.
But the best one was the time he bought me a bunch of flowers, and a box of ‘Horny Goatweed for Her’. He flung them down on the kitchen table as if to say ‘there’s your romance, now where’s my fuck?!’
And I meekly promised to take them to see if it would increase my libido, instead of realising it was that kind of behaviour that was killing it off! What a chump.
my cheater told my kids to switch off the small fan heater they were huddled around to get dressed for school in winter so they didn’t waste money on electricity, and then went out and bought himself a porsche.
He made us fly a budget airline (economy of course) to singapore, but flew himself and his OW to europe business class.
He set himself and OW up in a large harbour front apartment overlooking the sydney opera house, and told me and the three kids to sell our family home because he couldn’t afford the repayments. ( he brought the OW here once when the kids and I were visiting my parents in the country, so more than happy to leave though)
My ex wife purchased herself a very thoughtful gift just after we were separated. I questioned a rather large bill from her OBGYN which she presented to me in the middle of a stack of kid/household expenses. Turns out it was an IUD *
* At her insistence I had a vasectomy three years previously . Before our 2nd child she had an IUD but after his birth insisted I get cut because she didn’t want “something inside her ” . Lots of snark potential with that sentiment.
Snark away, man. You earned it.
Oh. My.
Wow.
I’m so sorry.
Well I already posted about getting a pack of gum last Christmas (and nothing else). I have also gotten one of those little bath sets from Walmart, and of course a whole lotta nothing most occasions. One that still pisses me off was when he asked me for money to buy me and the kids presents. He spent 1/4 of it on one self-serving present (so I can cook for him), and kept the rest. Asshole.
Asshole? that would be putting it too lightly quicksilver, actually that’s too kind.
Our last mother’s day together he bought himself a nice red mustang. I was driving a 10 year old car. We have 2 kids and he bought a 2 door car. MLC much?? It was “for us” but by August he was secretly talking to his ex-gf. They just bought a house together and are “getting married” – wonder if she will settle for the ring from Walmart like i did? Somehow, i doubt it.
Always any presents I received for birthday or Christmas would be clothes that I had bought myself when I needed something– I would wrap them myself and then unwrap them on Christmas morning, even though it would be a coat or something I had bought months before. Otherwise I would get things like a candy bar or a whisk or a “Support Organic Farming” t shirt. I always worked SO hard on getting him thoughtful, heartfelt gifts that he would love. When we would go out to dinner it would be to Champs or another sports bar, and one of the things that FINALLY brought me out of my denial that he was cheating was when I saw a bill for $200 for dinner at Charlie Palmer restaurant at the Joule Hotel in Dallas. I only saw this after he filed for divorce when my lawyer required financial information from him– while we were married I wasn’t allowed access to his credit card statements, and wasn’t allowed a credit card of my own– weekly cash allowance from him only. I knew enough about fancy meals to know that $200 at Charlie Palmer would be only for 2 people, I knew that this was on a night he had said he was spending with his mom, who was ill and wouldn’t have gone to this restaurant with him anyways. That was one of the things that I really couldn’t explain away, and it helped lift me out of the fog I was in. The last Valentine’s before he left in June I gave him a homecooked dinner with all of his favorite foods, a beautiful card that said “Let’s fall in love again,” etc.– I had to be creative because I never had any money to spend! He gave me a tiny bear from the drugstore or maybe the dollar store that was holding a dusty CD with “love songs” from like the 50’s or something– we didn’t have a CD player!
“weekly cash allowance from him only. “ahc, I hope you know that’s financial abuse that him giving you a “weekly allowance” unreal!
Couldn’t resist adding to this thread. First gift from my EXSA, were a couple of old fashioned citronella bug repellent candles, I’m sure from either the grocery store or a drug store. I’m such a chump, I thought it was a sweet gesture from an awkward guy. UGH. Too bad they didn’t repel him!
Two other crap gifts come to mind. 1) an electric toothbrush sanitizer (because HE loved gadgets) and 2) a yellow gold watch with a leather band after being asked what kind of watch I would like and telling him “silver or white gold and no leather”.
On the upside, I am out and have found my own Mr. Chump who is wonderful in every way!
He bought me yellow roses (universal sign for ILYBINILWY, by the way – lol!) for our 5th anniversary, exactly one week before the first suspicions surfaced. Now, he is NOT a flower-buyer, so I was pleasantly surprised. They remain the only gift he has ever given me, for any occasion. He made a special trip to get them and everything. They were yellow and all, but how could I expect him to attach meaning to the color of the roses, seeing as how he wouldn’t possibly know anything about that? So, I just said “Thank You!” and kept the “meaning” to myself.
About an hour after presenting them to me, he went to take a shower and my four-year old son started babbling about the flowers the way four-year-olds are wont to do…and he said he was with Daddy when they bought them, and he wanted Pink ones but Daddy was very sure I would want Yellow because Yellow means something special.
So, I looked at STBXH’s phone browser history, and sure enough, he had Googled “rose color meanings” while standing in the store choosing those specific roses! I asked him about it…casually, no vitriol, nothing like that. He said he did “try” to look up color significance, but it was “too much reading,” so he closed the search results and just chose what he thought was freshest. I laughed and told him I’d take Friendship roses over No Roses anytime, and we made quite a joke about it all. I showed him my appreciation for his thoughtfulness with a toe-curling session of sex.
Found out he was having the affair one week later when (upon original suspicions), I encountered the e-mail to his ho-worker wherein he related the story of buying me the yellow roses for our anniversary, and told her all about how I’d flown off the handle, had a complete hissy fit and had refused to speak to him at all for four days after he gave them to me….because “she just doesn’t appreciate anything I try to do.” I was smacked in the face with the fact that he had orchestrated the situation ON PURPOSE, hoping that would indeed be my response so he could use it as a weapon in the “My marriage is horrible” arsenal. When I didn’t respond by getting pissed off the way he hoped I would, he went with the story anyway to score brownie points with Ho-Worker.
Yes, the only gift I ever got was a manipulation mindfuck. For me AND the OW! Two birds, one stone!
But aren’t they all manipulations, in the end?
In the middle of our marriage meltdown he INSISTED on taking me to a large department store to buy me leather boots for Christmas. When we got there I didn’t see anything I really liked, but he was soooo insistent that I buy something that day I picked out a pair. Then he says “you’ll get a better price if it goes on your store card”. So like an idiot I charge it on MY credit card, less than $80.00. Three months later I discover the receipt for the $700.00 flat screen TV he bought cash ON THE SAME DAY for the OW.
I never wore the boots and donated them, still in the box.
These guys pack a lot of festering covert aggressive feelings, and they place a lot of stock in Chump feelings of “at least he tried”. I was trained to express gratefulness no matter how unsuitable the gift and I’m pretty sure my ex saw my face change colour several times before I said thank you for: tea bags for my 40th birthday, a concert he wanted to see for my 50th, clothes that didn’t fit, and cheap jewellery. Oh, and he switched my Christmas gift to his daughter with his gift to her because mine was nicer. He was cheap cheap cheap. He was cheap with his time, money, and helpfulness, though he seemed to enjoy doing me favours that left my mouth hanging open in shock they were so unhelpful and stupid. E.g., he promised to bring supper home supper so I would be able to concentrate on all the renovation work he left for me that day and – he came home without supper acting like he did me a favour because, “I didn’t know what to get because you’re too fussy”.
Well, here’s my list..
1) Always demand the most expensive meat, crates of beer, thickest and softest toiletpaper, etc., etc. while he never paid for groceries. He never ate with me, always after I was finished eating or before I could even sit down after cooking. The one thing that got to me most was that he was eating all of my stuff and leaving half, drinking what was in my house and leaving half of the bottle, but what I hated most of all (and this is going to sound crazy) is that he’d use a roll of toiletpaper a day (1 ROLL A DAY!!). Who uses a roll a day without having diarrea?!
2) I was a waitress and would save up ny tipmoney to get through the quieter periods. Guess whose cash tipmoney got ‘borrowed without asking’ so he could go to the bar and smoke weed??
3) He got kicked out by his dad because he didn’t want to pay his dad €300 a month while he was earning €2200 a month. He was 25 and expected his parents to pay for everything for him.. One day I got home and there he was, sitting on my couch with all his stuff organized in my closets. He was allowed to live with me IF he’d pay the internet and cable tv he wanted and if he paid the rent for a few months so I could save up money for a vacation. After the vacation I paid for I got an eviction notice because the rent hadn’t been paid for 5 months. He hid the letters that had been sent for me..
4) He’d expect my parents (both are business owners) to pay for him even though we told him that wasn’t going to happen. In the end, my parents are helping me pay things for my son, the son he sired.
5) He opened phone accounts on my name and not pay the bills..
6) When I found out I was pregnant the first thing he said was that he wasn’t going to pay for tge kid he never wanted and that I should go and ask my daddy for stuff for the baby..
7) He’d love to go out for drinks and dinner, but he never paid for it. At least, not if he went out with me..
8) I’d gotten flowers twice. Both times were when his family was over at my place so he could show off about how good a guy he was. My response was that since I don’t ever get flowers from him, there are no vases so his mother ended up taking them home.
9) He stole the gold my family had given my son for his birth, claiming that since my son was his son and his son alone he had the right to that gold.
10) He stole and pawned my jewelry, wich I had gotten from my parents for birthdas over the years. When I confronted him he said ‘You don’t ever wear them, you don’t need them.’ And later ‘Can you prove that I took it??!!’
After 2 years of this stuff I was left with a debt of almost €10.000! I paid off everything and he still cusses me out, claiming that I only got pregnant because I wanted CS and that I only wanted money from him.. My son is almost 5 and until this day I haven’t recieved a single cent and my son hasn’t gotten anything but emotional issues. Super glad to havethat douchebag out of our lives!
Scarlie C, its not crazy, my ex did the exact same thing and besides the roll of toilet paper, he also used a roll of paper towel daily and not a cheap kind either. They just don’t care, why should they, they were not paying for it! Mine was also eye balling my jewelry and said me I should sell them on EBay! because I don’t wear them anyways! Luckily I had a safe that I kept my jewelry in!
My cheater loved to spend money, mine that is. We weren’t married but since our house is in both names, I hired forensic accountants to analyze our respective contributions to the equity. They’ve determined that I paid 90% of the mortgage payments over 12 years, 65% of the cost of renovation materials, and in their expert opinion, not only is he NOT entitled to any money to be bought out, but that HE owes me money. For 16 years I paid for all our food, all our travel expenses, and his cell phone – the very one he texted and phoned OW 50x a day on! He was too stupid to realize I could login to the account and see what numbers he was calling.
But I digress. After I kicked him out I was devastated and too numb to look through his desk, but I did find his SSA statement of lifetime earnings and was stunned to see that he never made more than about $20K/year the whole time we were together. Since we weren’t married we didn’t share our personal financial info, but instead we shared the household and renovation costs as we’d agreed… I was SUCH a chump to ever agree to paying the proportion I did of our expenses!! He was just sponging off me.
When we were furnishing our newly renovated house (the he worked on as that is his trade), we would go to furniture stores and he would, as usual, flirt with the saleswoman and then pick out the most expensive stuff, which I would pay for 100%. I ended up with some ugly furniture in my house as a result! But he was so controlling that I could never have any say over what we selected. My therapist said recently that the reason X was verbally and sexually dominating and abusive to me all those years was because he resented my financial success in the face of his lack.
At restaurants with friends, he would whip out his credit card and pompously say, “I’ve got this!” Then when he got home he would deduct what he paid for dinner from a spreadsheet he kept of what he “owed” me — the small pittance of $256 that he was supposed to pay for our monthly expenses was easily wiped out by dinners, pizza and chinese food. During D-Day when I confronted him on this, saying, “Gee, I also paid for a lot of pizzas!” he responded, “Well that was different, you said you were treating and I didn’t.”
D-day was 8 months ago, 8 months of rollercoaster ride from my terrible pain and devastation to slowly wising up. And two days ago, I found on our home computer a bunch of emails he wrote to a previously unknown earlier OW in 2009. I only wish I had thrown him out in 2009 because this fucker spent my money like water and wasted my time, and not only that, he deprived me of my opportunity to have been with someone else who might have loved and respected me!!! That is what makes me angriest about all these cheapskate cheaters and what they did to us.
CL is correct that they are narcissistic cake eaters. If they weren’t such selfish cowards they would just go out and live on their own and paint the town or whatever it is they feel so compelled to lie and conceal in order to do. But they have such a great thing going when they have a gullible, loyal, trusting, loving Chump to keep paying their way so why “fix it if it ain’t broke?” is their reasoning.
Oh, and ditto all the others about gifts to me. When we’d been together a year, he informed me he didn’t “do” Valentines Day because his previous GF was never satisfied with his gift choices. When Mother’s Day rolled around (I have 3 kids) he said he wasn’t going to acknowledge me, because “you aren’t my Mother” (she died b4 we met). Oh, OK. Birthdays I got a card, sometimes a last minute potted plant from the grocery store. Tonight I actually saw his outlook calendar from a couple years ago, the night b4 my BD was an entry at 4 pm to go buy me a gift. Followed by a list of gift ideas including a date at a restaurant I’d always wanted to go to. I GOT NONE OF THOSE. I got the card and the grocery store plant.
Also just found a gushy email he wrote in 2009 to the first OW i know of, wishing her a “deeply nice and rewarding Mother’s Day.” And the OW that triggered D-Day got jewelry, flowers, and chocolates and strawberries for breakfast (I found the receipts and the phone calls to the jewelry store on the phone account).
Oh yeah I almost forgot the insane electronics in this house. He built a whole separate room to house the computer server and all the connected gadgets. I don’t even know what most of them are. But they connect to a gigundus 70-inch Surround sound TV home theatre system that he used to love to show off when company came over. Especially the male guests. Bunch of narcissistic grandiosity!!!!!!!
Muse, I was in the same boat as you. My ex, just like yours sponged off of me for almost a decade. You know if you think about it we were paying for OW’s shit in essence, because if these losers paid for their own shit instead of us feeding them they wouldn’t have all that money to pay for OW’s crap!
“he deprived me of my opportunity to have been with someone else who might have loved and respected me!!! ” Amen to that sister, that’s exactly how I felt and that still makes me so angry sometimes. But I learned my lesson, never again would I pay for someone else! I will just pay for mine and if you don’t have money to pay for your share and for your food, especially when they have a full time fucking job then get lost! that goes for friends too, because I am a giver and generous and realized all they did was take take too and never give back, it was always one sided, now I have my boundaries in place, I pay my own way and they better pay for theirs, being nice gets you no where and they were making me feel bad and sorry for them, because they were doing the pity play, making me feel bad so I was always “helping out”, its funny when or if you ever need them they wont return the favor. I am not falling for that anymore, if someone says lets go lunch but I am broke, I tell them, no problem, we’ll go when you are not so broke, you need to do the same and watch how quickly these moochers who calls themselves friends disappear!! As far as any relationship goes, well I am not looking and actually enjoying my freedom and that feels great! 🙂
My cheater spent a couple hundred on a hooker overseas, and bought me a $13 hat/scarf/mitten set. Lmao!
MINE TOO!!!!!
My scarf was from Peru, alpaca.
I think he exceeded a couple hundred on hookers, mind you. Probably $500+ for a week of services.
My asswipe gave me a cookie bouquet of dog shapes for our 10 year anniversary. Wow, that was so special. Should have known then what a jackass he was.
For our 15th anniversary, ex got my car washed. I actually cried when I realized that was it, that was my gift.
I have never received an anniversary gift.
May I please take the cake on this one? After 35 yrs he’s now asking for my wedding ring back.
What a pig. The disordered are completely without shame. Disgusting.
After reading so many of the entries here, I am curious to know this:
Was your relationship with your cheating ex always one in which you paid for all or most of the household and relationship expenses? Or, did the change come maybe a year or two before it is was obvious that he was cheating?
For Christmas in 2012, my cheating (long-term/serious) ex boyfriend told me he was going to get me a deluxe spa package. Months and months went by, and he never would give me a gift card or anything after I asked about once a week. Of course, he got all the credit because I had told everyone that asked what I got! No one ever found out he actually never got it for me. I was too humiliated to tell anyone!
The best part is that a couple months later for my birthday, he bought me a $400 promise ring. Nice, right? Nope! I had to return it because it came back damaged after getting sized. He then kept ALL the money and spent it on HIMSELF! I never got anything but a card (I gave him much, much more for his birthdays).
Come to think of it, the cheap little promise ring he gave me before then was quite a symbol itself. It was a metal, heart-shaped ring and the heart stuck out pretty far. The VERY day before our anniversary, the entire heart fell out! Never could find it either. Funny how that works!
Wow. Last year mine promised a spa day for me too! Drove me there to look at the place even. Never happened.
Every time I read your blog, CL, I feel a little sadder knowing you have these assholes figured out so perfectly – no loopholes to be found! – all the while feeling glad to not be alone.
This year, mine bought himself two suits and took a trip to the coast then couldn’t afford a birthday present for me. I was a “baby” for being upset about it.
Wow reading through the comments amazing!
In the 10 years of marriage my x bought me flowers once and a gift once. No Birthday, no Christmas, nothing from him. His excuse was holidays are superficial. He sure managed to spend money on himself though. Massive dvd collection, etc.