Yesterday’s post we were encouraging JJ to leave her husband (who really left her… anyway go back and read). She’s got a one-way ticket back home for May, but here’s my fear for her, for anyone in JJ’s situation. When you finally get up your gumption to go — the wing nut comes back a love bombing. It’s the Hail Mary play for kibbles.
Very few cheaters, IMO, like to see cake escape. Why didn’t they come courting earlier? They didn’t think they had to. They felt secure in their kibble supply. You’ve been so reliable before, they could leave you on the back burner. But Holy Shit! Now that you appear to actually mean to LEAVE? They need to control this outcome. That generally expresses itself in one of three narcissist ways — charm, self pity, or rage. Or really, any combo plate of the three.
If you’re one of the lucky chumps whose cheater just left with out so much as a goodbye, consider yourself fortunate. Yeah, fortunate. Missing the Hail Mary play for kibbles is like wishing you had a football field of quicksand to wade through on the way to the goal post.
What does the Hail Mary play for kibbles look like? It takes many forms. Calling you up to discuss the some triviality (foot in door…), texts (that substantive form of communication!) to express their love and missing you, self pitying discourses on your selfishness — this agency you are displaying is All Very Inconvenient!, and of course, rage — I AM CENTRAL! HEAR ME ROAR! Threats, bullying, throwing obstacles in your path.
Which is why I recommend that when you’re ready to go — keep your mouth shut. Just make your plans and get out of there. We are NOT trying to achieve consensus with the cheater. That’s impossible. Their agenda is kibbles. Your agenda is a life. These things are in conflict with one another. The cheater sees your infinite potential — as a kibble source. Chumps have a tendency to see a cheater’s infinite potential too — as a Person Who Could Really Improve If They Just Tried.
Stuff those thoughts. Get out. Don’t look back. Let the Hail Mary footballs whizz past your head. Don’t step in the quicksand. Keep GOING! The goal posts are in sight — and a much better life awaits you.
*** ETA. For our non-U.S. readers who might not know what a Hail Mary play is — the Wiki definition:
A Hail Mary pass or Hail Mary route is a very long forward pass in American football, made in desperation with only a small chance of success, especially at or near the end of a half.
The expression goes back at least to the 1930s, being used publicly in that decade by two former members of Notre Dame’s Four Horsemen, Elmer Laydenand Jim Crowley. Originally meaning any sort of desperation play, a “Hail Mary” gradually came to denote a long, low-probability pass attempted at the end of a half when a team is too far from the end zone to execute a more conventional play. For more than forty years use of the term was largely confined to Notre Dame and other Catholic universities.