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Visiting Unicorns

Hey chumps! I can’t type much today as I’m on an iPad and my fat stubby fingers get frustrated on a virtual keyboard. But I’ll be back tomorrow. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you yesterday when we saw the Unicorn Tapestries.

An interesting unicorn factoid — the unicorn is a symbol for a “tamed lover.” Appropriate, huh?

The unicorn in this story met with a grisly end. I bought a souvenir coffee mug.

See you all back here tomorrow!

chump lady/Tracy

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  • Dearest CL,

    Thanks for sharing that factoid! Did not know that, either! Interesting…………

    Thanks for caring about your fellow chumps so much!

    Hope you enjoyed your time away.

    Forge On!

    PS: No need to try to get your ‘fat, stubby fingers’ to type a reply to this…….Virtual keyboards are a pain! You are a better woman than me to even try, because I do not use them! Too insanity inducing for my blonde brain!

  • I hate those virtual keyboards as well!

    Thanks for the pic, ChumpLady, while I feel bad for the poor unicorn I also had a good laugh. Hope you can drink your coffee without any spills with your new mug. 🙂

    • I found this to be so completely and utterly awesome it is now my Facebook cover photo! Thanks for sharing CITS!

      • I don’t meet many female sci-fi/fantasy geeks! My hubby thinks it’s awesome to have a wife that likes that “sort of thing”.

        • If there is to be someone else in my life, I think a primary requirement is that they must have something of the sf/fantasy geek streak. STBX used to talk that talk, but it’s clear that after his teen-aged years, he hasn’t read much in that line, and indeed now prefers to watch youtube videos. He always talked about how he liked playing games, but in fact, he’s not played games. It’s a case of watching what they do, not what they say.

          • Battlestar Galactica (the new one), Firefly, LOTR, Star Trek, Haven…name it!

            I knew my son was the fruit of our loins when, at 4 years of age, he identified the leftover pizza as being the same shape as Centauri hair (from Babylon 5)!

            And we’re having a May the Fourth be with you lunch this year around my b-day.

            We’re hoping Almost Human gets renewed.

            • Chump in the Sand, I’m a geeky/sci-fi/fantasy gal! You are not alone! How cool about your son noticing the pizza shape.

              I like Almost Human, sadly have only seen 5 episodes but Karl Urban is a hottie! Now I would totally like to have a Karl Urban look-alike knocking on my door! LOL

  • Have fun! I’ll see the unicorn tapestries in May – when I went last year the tapestries were not on display. Nice to know they are now! I personally don’t know any unicorns but they are fun to look at.

  • Love the whole metaphore. Unicorn = tamed lover/ reconciliation and it’s being destroyed. Isn’t that what typically happens to us when we believe in unicorns?

  • I never liked the whole unicorn capturing myth (though I liked unicorns as a kid):

    You trick the unicorn by having a maiden lure it, then you kill it or capture it.

    Seems to explain chumps and unicorns:
    Chumps are “innocent”… we see the best in everyone, so we believe in unicorns.

    Turns out our exes are the hunters, destroying the innocent.

  • i did everything to “unchump myself’ ” but did not factor in Art’s total ability to be dumb when it counts. 3 weeks ago Art Ortenberg- (You remember him and the Claiborne legend)
    died and i went thru another round of drama-my adult (or are they) children are”grieving”
    and part of it is sad because he was an absent father but my son and his babies have fallen off the planet again and my daughter wont visit. and then there is another obit with my name in it and in this beautiful retirement building i am the “bully target” .not about art and liz but a group of wild eyed Zionists. i dont know who read that final cheapshot obit but my son and daughter did and who knows what he said or didnt say.
    well we have “free speech” and while i love this country i think divorce poverty and divorce cruelty are not taken seriously enough on the political scene.and in the courts.
    i am still active in politics, dont want his money,cant figure out what Gloria Steinem did for any of us, or what is driving the “mean girls” or “bingo brains” to relish bullying unless it is my wrinkle free face, my earrings and red lipstick, and my piano. of course i wont give in!!!But the last insult is the grandchildren!Whose grandchil;dren are they? am i “Chanel’enough? Divorce and infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. Love you all!!Muriel

  • I loved seeing those when they were at the Cloisters in NYC. Where are they right now?

    I like Tracy Chevalier’s book based on the tapestries as well. I don’t think it had anything to do with infidelity, though. 😉

    I own a pillow that features a rabbit from those tapestries. Too bad they weren’t selling any unicorn pillows! I had no idea what that would eventually mean to me!

  • Tracy/Chump Lady says she want better for us but hmmm sometimes commenters on this blog are pretty damn mean.
    It sometimes feels as if CL is throwing a daily lump of raw meat to a bunch of alligators that she has whipped up into a frenzy.
    The language can be pretty hostile cruel and wounding the person with the meanest mouth getting the laughs obvs this is gratifying at a primitive level but can lead to serious negative vibrational energy.

    • “Vibrational energy”? Really?

      Is that a euphemism for something real? Like… “you don’t sound happy”?

    • Catz,

      Please accept this in the spirit in which it is intended…a spirit of understanding that your sensibilities are not the same as some others who participate here, and also a in a spirit of good will toward you.

      Tracy is highly unlikely to change her delivery style because she is comfortable with it…complete with expletives. Additionally, many of those who participate here are still very angry and deeply wounded, and uncensored venting allows them some measure of cathartic release which probably helps them maintain control and equanimity at other necessary times…like keeping their cool when dealing with an extremely frustrating and obstructionist spouse or STBX.

      Keep in mind that when new users come here they are typically freshly and almost mortally psychologically wounded. I have no patience for anyone who after a couple of years is still riding the Bitter Bus and still in full-rampage stage. After that length of time the behavior is self-defeating and not conducive to experimenting with ways to achieve, “Meh.”

      I suspect that Tracy does “recycle” topics because she is aware of the influx of new users; and let’s face it…most people probably do not go back and read all of the old topics and posts. And, the longer the blog is in existence the more cumbersome that process will become.

      I do maintain (from professional experience) that remaining stuck in the “rage stage” for a protracted period and doing extended replay of the litany of horrors becomes psychologically unhealthy, self-defeating, and an impediment to progress. And I try as tactfully as possible to point that out on occasion.

      Experience taught me that the anger is valuable as a tool to galvanize one into action and setting necessary boundaries, but that when one has become accustomed to setting and enforcing boundaries the anger tends to fade…as boundary setting has become part of one’s behavioral repertoire and does not cause the tension it initially does.

      I also suspect that you are the former “Janey” and are posting under a pseudonym. So, I will again suggest that you enroll at the Midlife Club Forum, as you can confine yourself to certain sections of it where the owner monitors for offensive language and behavior, and controls for vicious and personal retorts. There are sections where one can let it all hang out…the Rant Section, but the way the site is set up, no reader needs to go there. All in all, it is a smorgasbord of sections, style, type, and atmosphere…and may be a better “fit” for you.

      Bottom line: You are not going to change Tracy, and you are not going to change the attitude of some posters here. Make it easier on yourself and explore a ‘blog home’ where there is something for you.

      “The only person’s behavior we can change is our own.”

      • You are far more verbose and far more diplomatic than me. I’m still hung up on “negative vibrational energy”.

        It conjures up images of patchouli, birkenstocks, unshaved female armpits, tie-dyed clothing, and psuedoscience like homeopathy and “healing crystals”.

        • Yep, Time, I can be verbose. Sometimes it is a personal flaw… but I long ago learned to accept myself (flaws and all).

          Kinda goes with this little phrase by Dr. Seuss.

          “Be who you are and say what you feel (but I like “think” better) because those who mind won’t matter and those who matter won’t mind.”

          It just kinda comes with the territory of what I have done for years…and (lol) I can be a “Hammered Dog Shit Bitch” with my mouth when sufficiently provoked in the personal arena.

          I don’t back off too many people (actually nobody unless they are pointing a loaded gun at me), but hopefully have developed some intuition with respect to whom I can hard-ass and whom I need to reel in slowly like a big fish.

          When people are wounded and hurting somebody has to walk a middle line and exercise tact and diplomacy when needed. My implosion was 6 years ago after a 33 year (and GOOD) marriage. I have reached “Meh” and it was no picnic.

          And, last, I don’t shave the old legs but about once a week, am kind of partial to patchouli, and actually do use some homeopathic remedies. Let’s hope these quirks on my part aren’t deal breakers for ya! ( know I’m picking on ya..don’tcha? I only pick on the ones I like. ****Grin****

          • FWIW Janey has commented with a more community-friendly tone in the previous post (which I was glad to see–I like to see people getting along). I don’t know if we are dealing with name-jacking or pseudonyms or what (although in some cases, people have been known to have bad days, and that is what it is).

            • Hi Chump in the Sand (and my fellow chumps 🙂 ). OK – so I was getting a little worried that peops might have been confusing me (Jayne) with anti-swearing Janey from the post before last. (I have no problem at all with swearing – think it’s good for your health in actual fact, and sometimes a good expletive will sum up succinctly what couldn’t be expressed in a short book chapter!)

              I had a look through yesterday’s post and, as I feared, while I’d added a few comments myself. Janey didn’t post at all – so just want to redeem my right to be a full card carrying member of the fuckshitbastard club – and proud of it 😀

              Thanks for defending my honour tho – Chump in the Sand – muchly appreciated 🙂 – was horrified when I read a comment she’d made after the anti-swearing ‘debate’ – and I was fervently hoping nobody thought she was me – if you get what I mean!

              • Hi Jayne,

                Thanks for clearing that up! We’d had some communal postings, and I was a little…perturbed….

                We’re having a beer on ForgeOn’s deck, join us!

        • I don’t want to be judged for anger, bitter busses or much else. I might be on the bus or off the bus. (Openly) judging seems dangerous in this kind of forum–I may get annoyed thinking someone is whining while someone else is driven to tears by the same post. Everyone’s process is different. I can rage one minute and cry the next–but maybe that’s just my med combo.

      • Hey, my Ladies & other fellow Chumps,

        Perhaps if we just ignore Catz76 (or whoever they really are) they will go away.

        If they are referring to ‘language’ on this topic today, they are seriously delusional! (And we know the best way to deal with delusional!!!) Don’t recall reading any nasty language, except for a few random mild ‘words’ and certainly no attacks or feeding frenzies! And, our dear Muriel joined us today, as well…..

        Was more like a great group of friends hanging out on the back patio, beer in hand, watching the little ones play in the sand…….

        Forge on, friends……

          • Seriously, you two.

            I have had a friend here for about 9 days now (an another local one of the walking wounded coming in for dinner) and we are doing just that. Chillin’ out (temp here is in high 60s )…complete with red wine and homemade spaghetti. Out of town guest is taking a break from the hideous weather up North and at the moment is online with her adult children, and I am piddling around on here.

            We met on another forum (back in the day when we were at the bottom of the pit) and have grown together (NOT literally!!!). I have several GFs like that who come and visit me at my beach house on the Gulf Coast pretty regularly.

            I made a decision several years ago to “pay it forward”…and have these get-togethers (of the Asshole Survivors Alumna Association) on a regular basis. They get free food and the occasional free “shrinking,” and I get the satisfaction of knowing that I was in some way helpful in alleviating their pain, helping them restore their faith in themselves, and expediting the “Meh Process.”

            Suggestion? If you really want to make quantum leaps toward healing? Pay it forward.

              • Although I just reread the part of the beach house on the Gulf Coast, and I’m rethinking baggage here–as in packing up to shack up with you!

              • Hey Chump?

                There was no reply button under your comment below so I had to put it here:


          • Sorry you are still socked in with ‘ole man winter……Bummer!

            Actually, CITS, I no longer have a back deck. 🙁
            But you can join me on notyou’s patio!
            One of the many things ‘cheater pants’ stole from me, along with my gorgeous shade tress, lush lawn & beautiful plantings. (sold the house—lived there for almost 23 years)

            So, let’s pack up and head down to notyou’s place! Sounded like an invite to me………..

            Where I am at, the snow storm missed us. Was near 70 today.

            Wish I could share the beautiful weather with you……

            So I will just share best wishes on your healing journey!! BYOB!

            Forge on, Friend, Forge On!!!

            • Hey Forge,
              My divorce resulted in me living in a sterile white apartment for about four years, too. No more Victorian Manse & antiques that went in the property settlement. But I was approaching retirement, and when I did…it was back to the place of the happiest days of my youth and in proximity to my immediate family again. Beach cottage simple, low maintenance, casual…..HEAVEN. The children and grandchildren love it. Keep your dreams alive, more of them will come true than you can ever imagine. And if you ever do come to see me, you won’t even have to BYOB!!

              • Thanks, notyou!!! Thanks so much!!!!

                The beach and the simple cottage, yes, it truly does sound like pure Heaven! The memories being made there…..Wow!!! Precious times with the little ones!

                As you said, ‘the beach fixes every thing’!! So true!!!
                It is not ‘stuff’ that makes us happy & whole, as you well know. It is love, people, relationships, nature, spirituality……(and beaches!)

                One awesome thing about my current place is that it is actually the upper level (3rd floor) of a dear friend’s home. She built it as a duplex to have a rental unit. She has about 2 acres of land that she has acquired over the years (in the middle of a major city!) that I have full access to, so I still have lush plantings & shade tress to enjoy! Plus, I get to help her in the yard & garden. Have been here only since last June, so I am looking forward to my first spring here……

                And I always have a dear friend close by who was also a chump many, many years ago. A chump no more! She is one of the best examples I know of rising above it all!

                About the coolest thing about my apt is that cheater pants does not know where I live!! YEAH!

                I know where he live but he does not know where I live. That gives me such a sense of peace, satisfaction & not really sure what else to call it.

                Time to wind down & head for bed now……Take care, dear friend……

                Forge on, friend, Forge On!!!

          • As much as people say his porn addiction had nothing to do with me, it still feels like I coulda looked, should look impossibly different and better than I do. His head was a swivel toy in public, he panted at every nice ass or pretty face that walked by. If I ever alluded to it he’d say I was certifiable, he wasn’t looking at anything, just checking out some ditch in the road. The emails from the OW had “nothing to do with him.” She was just hopelessly in love him. The PHONE VIDEO she’d taken of them only weeks prior? THE DATE ON THE CELL PHONE WAS WRONG. How did I ever believe that?! I don’t think I really ever did but I let myself believe it until it became sort of possible in my head. When my shrink told me cell phones are programmed from towers and the date could not have been incorrect, why was I alarmed all over again? My body image has passed dysmorphic. It’s one of the hardest things to heal, for me.

            • Sara,

              You can heal from this, and you can change how you view yourself, too. Will take time and effort. Nobody says you have to do it by tomorrow, and for sure, these kinds of changes are not easy. Keep this mantra in mind, “Progress not perfect is all I can ask of myself.”

              As for his gas lighting of you about the cell call dates, etc. Mine tried that crap, too. Told me lies a four year old would not believe. One day I told him (cause I had printed out the itemized lists of calls while we were still on the same plan and found out to whom the strange number belonged). “Stop with the lies already. AT&T does NOT make over 50 mistakes a month for 6 months, they could not stay in business that way.” But I am not you, my work experiences have exposed me to the worst kind of depravity (much committed against children), and I am a skeptic. I never initially believe everything I hear, and so I had an advantage that many on here may not have had.

              With respect to gas lighting though. Whether intentional or not, it is one of the cruelest things one person can do to another. It causes the “victim” to question his or her reality testing….literally question one’s own sanity. And, when gas lighting is done by someone whom you have trusted with your life? Well, I don’t have to tell you how ‘crazy-making’ it is. But you are NOT insane. It is almost certain that you are experiencing what we call psychiatric injury. There is a BIG difference. This link will explain it.


              If you hand in there you will overcome this emotional trauma and find peace. The only way peace won’t happen for you is if you don’t allow it.

              • Thank you-not-you, so much for writing and sending the link. One of the scariest things is I was also quite a skeptic! I had my father write a note excusing me from reciting the pledge of allegiance in kindergarten…I guess that’s not a good example, but maybe you get what I mean. I thought I wasn’t a pushover. I grew up in a big mean city where we never left our doors unlocked. I watched my mother be completely disempowered by my father as a kid and swore never to become like her…as I continued to become more and more like her behind my back. Now that she’s gone I have a lot more understanding and compassion but it vexes me that I would betray myself in spite of hyper awareness and my best efforts. Thank you for pointing out the specific cruelty of gaslighting. You take someone with a shred of self doubt, facing a lot of physical challenges and play on that to make her feel downright batshit crazy?! What a jerk. I’m so glad I came here and found your post before going to sleep. Thanks again,

              • Sara,
                I had “Googled” and quickly posted the comparison chart before noticing that it was posted on one of those goofy conspiracy sites. But, hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

                Keep hanging in there and working on you because you WILL beat your way out of this mess in due time…and life will resume being a “good thing.”

    • Are you referencing unicorn meat? I don’t get it . . . was there a mean kick to this post?

      If the language is hostile and cruel, why are you here? At the end of the day, it’s Tracy’s blog, so again . . . if it isn’t to your liking why not find something else that is?

    • Janey – Have your therapist up your meds and increase chatty time to twice a week. Now you’re just looking pathetic.

    • I’m just trying to catch up, but finding myself confused with the Catz76 post, the lack of punctuation, the grammar, and the syntax. I’m guessing the “vibrational energy” has something to do with Catz76 running out of AAA batteries. But seriously, Catz76, prior to your post, there was nothing hostile, cruel, or mean-mouthed. So stop it. Really. Stop it. Don’t be that person who just comes in the room to fart and then leaves.

  • Thought for the day from NY:

    “It is hard to imagine a more stupid or dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong.”
    ~Thomas Sowell

    (Get your head screwed on straight, and learn to trust yourself… because when you need a helping hand the best place to look is at the end of your arm.)

    • Word. I am a “debator” by nature. I will back up my actions w/ facts, logic & the ability to recall conversations (ok, well, some convos) almost verbatim. The *hardest* thing for me during this process is letting STBX prattle & project on me. While I understand the reasons for & benefits to “not engaging”, the holes in my tongue are quite a nuisance. I have several friends who, fortunately, have been there for me to vent my anger, fear, & frustration. I learned not long ago that you can’t argue w/ a “genius” narc who refuses to let facts or logic interfere w/ the narrative in their heads. Thanks for the reminder!!
      Chump Nation!

  • I’m seriously jealous notyou!! It’s a whopping 15 degrees here in the Northeast with a fresh coat of more snow….not much (only two inches) but it’s March and I am so all set with this winter.

    I hope you are enjoying your weekend with your friends and your wine!!

    • CS
      I heard that the temp was 1 degree in Buffalo this morning with a wind chill factor of like 14 below. My friend is down here from Canada. She flies home tomorrow. ( She still has her business to finalize next month, but she is hanging tough.) She showed me a text with a pic of her daughter’s car in Toronto, and it had almost 2 feet of snow on it. Whoooo… better her than me. Keep your chin up. It will warm up for ya.

  • I love this site! Chumps are good people. I feel normal here. When I discovered my marriage was over and for many years it was good 🙁 it was all I could do to hold my shit together in my small town, 500 miles away from those who loved me unconditionally. Near a man whom I no longer trusted. Who threatened me and those I loved. I had spent my whole adult life with my ex and our family was really close. And then this ….I was devastated, alone, and my life was really a struggle. I just could not believe what was happening. You know his leaving was so out of character (I have imagination you see, 🙂 even had the kids believing he was a great father although he wasn’t around much after our son’s accident). It took me a long time to process his betrayal and I still have those days….When I discovered CL I was still raw and when I read her blog I understood. For a long time I made excuses for why my ex behaved the way he did. The fact is is that he only really cares about himself. Knowing this helps. Anger in those two years it took me to divorce the Narc was what I needed. It helps me move forward. No contact, brilliant! Thank you to all on this site who are something a lot of people aren’t. Intentional about living and wide open. Such good traits to own. Cheers from sunny Southern Ca.

  • To all fellow chumps:

    I just have to share….I just have to share…..

    TO SHARE IT WITH ALL FELLOW CHUMPS! I am free at last….thank GOD almighty I am free at last….Arnold, I am now available….wink….wink!

  • Congrats, Tara! I should be right behind you, I’m thinking the divorce papers will come in a couple of weeks.

  • Thank you Chump Lady and Chumpettes for keeping me real. Being chumped is shite.
    I’ve had the wee chump devil in me screaming and shouting at me to take him back.
    But I’ve finally joined a club that nobody wants me to be a member of to sort that out.
    Fully paid up last year without knowing it.
    Current chump status: no contact but wavering (see chump me twice below)
    Current weight loss: 10 pounds (every cloud?)
    Time spent going over sparkles: Too much There was good stuff. Wasn’t there?
    Time spent online stalking the lowlife asshole bell-end wanker and OW (dirty cheating skank): every day so far. *shame on me
    Time spent reading his texts and messages professing undying love to me after I dumped his sorry ass ( but also what a bitch I am to do this to him): 4 weeks.
    Time spent trying to defend him: embarrassed to say
    Time spent with friends and family: too little
    Anger: Always there. Bubbling under. Dante’s Inferno styly.
    Wine drunk: always Spanish Rioja in no moderation.
    Self help books read: 1
    Current blogs read: 4
    Counsellor: 0 (thinking about it)
    Any of above any fucking use to me at this time? Only 1. The Mother of all chumps: Chump Lady. You rock.
    Embrace your chumpness but don’t stay one. Chump me once shame on you. Chump me twice shame on me.

    • Loopy Duchess – I like your laundry-list style. Just remember: You can do this. Even if you don’t have time to read more self-help books, keep coming back to this blog. The wisdom here is priceless. CL is brilliant, and so many of these people who have been chumped have wonderful experiences that might touch something in you that will help.

    • Thanks Moda
      This blog has really helped me where some of my friends just don’t get it.
      Just yesterday a pal said don’t be too proud to take him back if that’s what you really want. Don’t worry about what other people say. Ie. don’t worry that everyone will know you are a chump.
      I enjoy the company and stories of fellow chumps but I couldn’t bear the pity of non-chumps or chumps-to -be which would come with a reconciliation. I’m keeping my pride goddammit!
      I shall certainly keep coming back. It’s blooming brilliant.

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