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You Might Be a Chump If…

My husband thought up today’s post. In the vein of comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s You Might Be a Redneck If … tell me how you might be a chump. What are the signs? (See clip for inspiration. If you’re a redneck chump — double bonus!)

Ever wonder what quirks are particular to chumps?

You might be a chump (YMBAC) if … instead of a happy marriage you have 80 perfectly tended rose bushes.

YMBAC if… you’ve bought the entire infidelity oeuvre on Amazon and underlined passages for your cheater, only to find them unread.

YMBAC if… you actually sort of believed he was sleeping in his car in Vermont in January.

YMBAC if… you received a tie-dyed license plate cover for Christmas… and that was the best present.

If your cheater has three cars, three motorcycles, four kayaks, and more boxes coming from eBay each day…. and his gift to you is a tie-dyed license plate cover? YMBAC.

If your children don’t really look anything like you… YMBAC.

YMBAC if… you book all your marriage counseling sessions… and pay for them.

Your turn chumps! I’m sure you’ve got material.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • YMBAC if you have to schedule time off work for marriage counseling so she won’t have to miss tennis practice ( and her affair partner is her tennis coach!)

  • YMBAC if…you work full time, do 100% of the childcare/grocery shopping/laundry/bill-paying, etc., so he can work 80+ a week – and he accuses you of “holding him back” in his career.

    • or in my case works a 30 hr work week and tells you – you know – someone around here has to work and bring home the bacon, when you ask him to help around the house a bit because you are exhausted from only sleeping 4 hours a night, due to all of the above and working a 40 hr work week too.

    • Oh boy this one is me alright. Before we split I was working full time, doing all the housework, shopping meal making and 90% of the care of my step daughter. When I asked for some help or more time as a couple. Well I just didn’t understand how it was for him to be self employed

  • YMBAC if you are told by a friend that she saw your husband at an open house for a beautiful mountain- top cottage with a young, petite, brunette and you immediately tell her she must have him confused with someone else. Even though she has known him for several years.

  • YMBAC if you find yourself genuinely worrying that the OW’s husband is going to beat your husband up when he finds out…

  • YMBAC if your husband, while on one of his many business trips, only calls you when he’s just about to go through a drive-thru, thus keeping such phone calls to five minutes, tops, and guaranteeing that any serious conversation you wanted to have will be interrupted by a scratchy voice asking if he’d like Satisfries with that. When you finally realize and point out the pattern, he acts surprised.

  • Oh dear – so many of these…

    YMBAC if you think it’s great that he’s finally taking some pride in his appearance, working out at the gym and buying new clothes…

    …facepalms…

  • YMBAC if it takes you twelve years to figure out what he meant when he said: “The reason I wasn’t at work when you called was because I had to take my ho-worker to get a new dipstick.”

  • YMBAC if he goes out every Sunday to play football with your 19 year old son. But tells son he can’t really play as he has to work overtime to save money so he can take Mum on a surprise holiday.

    • Again, just awful to do this to the children.
      I really think cheaters who behave this way to kids belong in a special place….

  • YMBAC if he takes 17 year old daughter shopping every week, but leaves her sat in the car while he calls into someones house to ‘arrange a surprise Xmas gift for Mum.’ (Which takes multiple visits to sort out apparently).

      • Yes zyx321 it disgusts me when I think about it, see above what he did to son too. After DD and during FR he then ‘borrowed’ daughters phone to call OW. When OW calls back asking for him, daughter comes and asks me & STBX if we know who it is? This turns out to be the final straw for me & so STBX openly blames our daughter for our break up. He actually asked her why she was so stupid, why didn’t she think before she opened her mouth? Tells her its her fault.
        Still mentions it to this day 10 months after DD. ‘if only daughter had thought before speaking we would still be together’ he says. Erm no, if only you’d kept it in your pants.

          • When I stormed out of the house after the phone incident. He proceeded to scream at her, smashed his phone up & while she was crying picking all the broken pieces up from the floor, he was telling her how he was glad he had a son, as he no longer has a daughter & that she was now dead to him for ruining everything.
            One of my biggest regrets is leaving her in the house with him that day. I phoned her shortly after and could tell in her voice something was seriously wrong, I came straight back to get her & by then he had left the house. I made him leave later that night, but I wish I had never left her to deal with that.

              • She didn’t talk to him for a long time, she just refused. He bombarded her with texts and my father ended up telling him to leave her alone. She has started speaking to him again now, but she thinks he’s an idiot. She told me recently she was glad we were not together anymore because I deserve better than him. So does she.

            • When he’s old, sick, and alone and looking for his children to be there for him, I hope they throw his nasty abuse back in his face and put him in a cheap state funded home.

            • What an unspeakably terrible, terrible piece of shit he is. I can’t imagine how she must have felt, though the very faint – very – silver lining is that now she need never be confused over whether daddy is worth loving / running after / seeking approval from. It’s all been laid out clear as day.

              When I think of my own wonderful dad and other awesome parents out there, and people who’d give anything to have kids but can’t… this guy… really… he deserves nothing but misery.

            • I’ve just now read this story, HEA. Holy smokes. I am so sorry your daughter had to go through that. How is she faring now? It’s a horrible way for her to have to wake up to your reality, but I’m sure the two of you will become all the closer for it. It sort of reminds me of when Alec Baldwin went off on his teenaged daughter and left all those vile messages on her voice mail. Anyway, any man who would put his own child in that situation and then make her the scapegoat when it blew up in his face is undeserving of the name “Dad.” Stay strong!

        • Ah, blame shifting to the kids. My exH blamed daughter for the fact that son did not go to his wedding to OWife. Explain why son could not go when he wanted to attend, just because daughter refuses to go?!

          Daughter understandably did not want to go. she was 12 at the time, it was only 4 months post divorce finalization, kids had only met OW once, but her father had daughter keep the secret that they planned to move pregnant OW into the house against divorce agreement, pre divorce finalization … Shhhh, don’t tell your mom, she would be mad)

        • Good lord! I hope she gets some therapy. Way to go to blameshift to the kids!

          The daughter needs a real crash course in “you control only you” so she absolutely believes that daddy’s rage was all about him being a fucktard. Daddy clearly wanted both cake and kibbles.

        • Absolute Scum of a husband & Father.. Glad your daughter refused to be sparkled by him and wants nothing to do with him. Hugs to you both & Bravo to you for showing your daughter that it is not OK to cheat!

  • YMBAC…..if all of those lovely little coffee mugs, coasters and photos from all those cool locations he had to fly to for work were really not to include you in his experience in a positive healthy way BUT to inflict weird emotional abuse on you without even knowing some of the shit was gifted by the fuckbuddy.

        • OMgoodness, that is so tacky. CL, I think you could do another post solely on “Cheap Shit Cheaters Do”.

              • That beats mine!

                I got carry out from the same place he took OW to. He said he was “too sick” to eat, but I knew something was wrong when he brought home only one dinner, and it was from a new place on the same side of the town closer to where OW lives.

                Also, I can tell when he’s had breakfast dates with OW, since he brings home a pound of bacon, lol!

          • I’ve got one for your “Cheap Shit Cheaters Do”, WS brought home a bunch of singlets for newborn son, he said he’d bought them from the OP shop. I was thrilled as he never had (and still hasn’t) bought our son anything, not even nappies or anything, so I was soooooooooo proud of him for doing something for the family I lavished praise on him. Only to find out he hadn’t bought them at all. The OW gave him her son’s singlets from when he was a baby. I still feel really sick about it every time I think about it.

          • YMBAC if…He brings you back an ugly tea set from Vietnam where he had “work” and later you find out he flew his Russian whore to stay with him at an expensive beach resort.

            I found a place for it on a hallway table because it was so ugly. It makes me nauseous to think of those four years it sat in our house.

    • I recently received an assortment of Olive Oils from California. Same place we went to just before D day over a year ago….I have not spoken to him since last October and this was in February. Do you think he’s trying to make a peace offering? I didn’t acknowledge receiving it. It sits in a drawer….I will be regifting in the future. Thanks for that….daughter was asked if she knew if I got it……OMG I can’t believe these idiots.

    • Oh Gee, I got nice little gifts from every place they traveled on business all over the world.
      Except for one handbag, the gifts didn’t fit or weren’t my style and I chalked it up to his not knowing my taste or size (which he never did).
      Found out after that she ‘helped’ pick the gifts out.
      And the handbag, she got a much nicer one for herself!

    • Sigh..ANC…mine would also bring me back t-shirts and little tokens from trips with his girlfriend(s). I also think there is a sick twisted emotional abuse aspect to it as well. Sick fucks!!

  • “YMBAC if… you book all your marriage counseling sessions… and pay for them.”

    Ouch. I did exactly that in the beginning.

    Ok I have one.

    YMBAC if you smell something “funny” when you go to kiss your WH when he comes home from work and you believe him when he say’s it’s the sandwich he had for lunch.

      • “YMBAC if… you book all your marriage counseling sessions… and pay for them.”

        bingo

        and…

        YMBAC if you smell something “funny” when you go to kiss your WH when he comes home from work and you believe him when he say’s it’s the sandwich he had for lunch.

        Oh JHC! Now I know why my STBX turned away from kissing me! Said she had bad breath! Yeeah! It was bad all right!

  • YMBAC if his best friend’s wife avoids you because he said things (don’t know what) because, if you two become friends, the jig is up.

  • YMBAC if when he comes back from a business trip with necklaces for you and your daughter, and you ask him who the third one is for … and then supply the answer for him: it is for his sister (of which he has two).

    Sheesh.

  • YMBAC if you’ve ever been told by a counselor “well at least he’s showing up every week” as evidence of his commitment to you and your marriage.

    (Please disregard the lying, blame shifting and evading going on in the actual session, dear client.)

  • YMBAC if you’ve ever heard “oh, um, I just fell asleep on [insert any male name here]’s couch. of COURSE you can call him”.

    • So you’re telling me he didn’t just fall asleep after “playing cards all night at Kyle’s”? Crap. IMBAC.

  • Last one!

    YMBAC if you’ve ever had your spouse pretend they didn’t hear your calls trying to ring through on their cell.

    “Oh my, does the phone make a sound when another call is coming in? Who knew!? Gosh darn, isn’t technology confusing?” (says the Sr. IT Director)

    • YMBAC if he tells you not to call his work phone because he doesn’t answer that after hours and don’t call his cell phone either because it is running low on batteries. Even though he is plugging it in now and charging it – still don’t call. WTF?

  • YMBAC if, after 15 years as his colleague, you have never met OW, now wife. And he says, after revealing her (3 months after leaving) “Really? You’ve never met each other? I’m surprised.” And you have met all the other colleagues over a 38 year marriage. And we have never met, why? Hmmmmm.

    • You’re not alone! During MC, two months after the declaration there is no other woman, it’s just us….he’s in love with this work colleague whom he never mentioned?!
      No, she had nothing to do with the end of the marriage (snort)

      • The people they’re fucking never have anything to do with the end of the marriage. Same old, same old. I’d say every woman ex fucked had something to do with the end of the marriage.

  • YMBAC if you caught your husband kissing a colleague in your home when you woke up to prepare a bottle for your baby and then believed him when he said that she had forced him to kiss her, and that it was only that one night…

    YMBAC if for seven years after the “stolen kiss” you don´t suspect anything from those female colleagues who “work” with your husband on Friday nights and come to your husband´s home office to “review” their “work”

    YMBAC if your husband prefers to go directly to work on his computer when he comes home, rather than to talk, eat or sleep with you—

    (OMG! I am such a huge chump!!!!)

    • OMG! I had the same thing where my ex would come home and go immediately on his computer (either to work or browse Craigslist), then immediately to bed. Even when I tried to initiate a conversation (or get intimate), he would just yell at me that he was too “busy” for me. (And yet not too busy to have an affair with his ho-worker!)

      YMBAC if you see he received a text from someone saved as “Terry” and you believe him when it says it was a text from his friend “Brian” (whom you’ve never met)

      YMBAC if you believe him when he says he stayed in a hotel room “alone” because he needed some “space”

      YMBAC if you caught him lying to you multiple times and yet you believe him when he says you have “trust issues” (Gee, I wonder why!?)

      • My ex was getting texts from someone labelled “CNST” on his contact list. The text I found:

        :)gn

        When I asked him who CNST was, he said……”Consultant.” Duh.

        Facepalmfacepalmfacepalmfacepalm……

        • Mine labeled his ‘Q’.
          Perhaps he was alluding to the fact she was as evil as the character ‘Q’ on “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” Because she certainly is evil……

          Forge on……

      • Oh, I had trust issues too. A week before he left, he told me I had trust issues and now when I look back I wonder what was going on every other time he told me ai had trust issues.

        • I was told I have trust issues quite recently. Because I don’t trust him. Imagine that I wouldn’t trust a man who had multiple affairs, left me financially devastated and has lied about pretty much everything, big and small, for years. I don’t have trust issues. I simply don’t trust him. At all.

          • Hear hear! When we look back, we see all the gas lighting they did to us. We didn’t have trust issues – our guts were just telling us to GTFO, but our hearts didn’t want to believe someone would be capable of so much BAD! Instead of seeing the evidence “as is” we gave them a chance to “explain” it away (and of course the explanation they always gave was “You have trust issues.” *eyeroll*

      • YMBAC if he says he needs to get away and get some sleep and you believe him. Then proceeds to choose a hotel in a city 1.5 hours from home, not tell you which hotel, pay cash, and use work as his home address at check in and you still kinda believe him.

  • YMBAC if you arrange for the whole family to “kidnap” him the day he gets back from a business trip and drive him blindfolded to the site where he gets to skydive for his 40th bday, THE GREATEST DAY EVER, and then you discover he was fucking his secretary in Boca Raton.

  • YMBAC if your spouse suddenly wants to ditch the family plan and have “work” pay for his cell phone.

    YMBAC if you suddenly notice new credit cards showing up in the mail after agreeing to stop using credit entirely.

    YMBAC if you remove the key logger from your home machine because you KNOW you’re going to find something. Woah Chumpiness.

    • Yep Rumblekitty, “work is now paying for my cell phone” (I’m sure they are since you’re f”ing around with your ho-worker, and I dared to question why you needed to talk to her 20x/day when you just “worked” 12 hours together…”. Blech.

      • Yes!

        YMBAC if you really believe your husband needs to text his co-workers at 3am, and then needs to meet shortly thereafter about ‘work’.

        • Yup. Years ago i went to bed later than H and told him he had an email message from grad school school colleague (we checked for one another, but i had never read any of his messages). He got up out of bed to read it, which seemed odd. That’s when I got suspicious and started reading his messages. Confronted him (no, not an affair, just infatuation, we went to MC, etc). 13 yrs later…yup, it was an affair

          We can be so trusting and naive.
          But, I refuse to regret those years due to my wonderful children.

  • YMBAC if you believed nothing was going on after finding love poetry email messages to another woman….in French.

    (And when dating/post wedding you never received poetry of any kind from said significant other).

  • YMBAC if after finding a few hundred dollars hidden in your husband’s car which he first lies about and then confesses that it is for going to strip clubs and then he is mad at you and says he “doesn’t know if he can live like this with all this snooping” and you break down hysterically crying because what other reaction is there? (Really? You are hiding hundreds in cash in your car for strip clubs (this is after dday of a year long affair with a family “friend”) and I am the bad person for snooping?)

    YMBAC if you sit through your “romantic” birthday dinner and the entire conversation is a veiled attempt to get you to be more and act more like OW and you know it but just keep smiling and shaking your head.

    • Yes! Ex took me on a surprise date two months before DDay. He was acting weird, and now I see he was trying to get me to act more like the OW.

    • Yes! During reconciliation when I was still doing the pick-me dance, I used to draw these hot bubble baths for us, hoping we could reconnect. He would spend the whole time in there trying to get me to tell him about my sexual secrets. I found out later that this is what he liked to talk about with the OW. (He was really annoyed that I had nothing to tell him—-I’ve been with him since I was 17 and he was my first and only.)

      • Oh Flora, mine tried to get me to talk about sexual fantasies too. He also wanted me to go buy toys and try anal stuff. (I was with mine from 16 so same scenario). I’m not a prude or anything, but it was such an out of character thing for him that it raised flags. He was quite insistent too that I “must have some type of fantasy. The girls at work talked about what they liked all the time”.

        His OW is the manager where he worked.

        • Yes, Trying, my husband became so obsessed with my fantasies that I used to make them up just to please him. He also wanted me to buy stuff at the sex stores. It was all about pleasing him. He made me feel totally inadequate in bed because I didn’t measure up to his fantasy life with his co-worker OW or the porn he watched on his computer. And all this went on AFTER I found out about the affair–why did I let him anywhere near me??? What a chump!!!

  • YMBAC if you and the kids start jokingly referring to his beloved new car as ‘the other woman’ because he spends so much time taking it out for long drives. And then you discover that yes, he was actually out driving the other woman.

  • YMBAC if you spent a decade+ living in a sexless marriage while working in earnest to solve THAT riddle . . .

    • Sigh, it’s ok. Mine wasn’t sexless, but not great sex, and I was always the one who initiated, etc. (YMBAC right there!)

      Post DDay while in counseling (though he still swore no OW). I like xx before sex, you do not do that, etc. Uh, huh, and every time I asked “anything in particular you want to do….”

      • Yep, YMBAC if you are cut off from sex and believe it’s ED so you search your soul after 5 years of no sex and decide to stay for love – then find out he’s got an OW

        • YMBAC if his sexual performance is SO PATHETIC you’re just sure he’d never humiliate himself with the performance anxiety he surely would have when trying to impress a hot babe 20 years his junior. I never did find the viagra prescription, but I did find the cardiologist appointment for a stress test.

          I guess he’s lucky he’s from the chemical generation. When we were first married he worked for a man who was doing his secretary with a penile implant. Feeling like a young stud again is important enough to mutilate yourself for. Can’t even imagine. That relationship didn’t last, of course, but nobody learned a lesson from the example.

        • YMBAC if you get completely cut off from sex believing it’s a medical problem and put up with it for 4 years, you convince yourself to stay for love and the kids, but then you find out he’s had multiple OW and your whole life has been a big fat lie for 14 years…

      • Whoa – is it a cheater thing to expect the chumpy partner to always initiate (and put in most of the effort from there) sex? Definitely my situation.

        • Wow…the same thing happened to me…I thought he had a health problem (he needed viagra), was depressed. After seven years of this I finally came up with the theory that he was gay ! Now I know from his emails and Skype chats that he had no problem at all with OWs, the problem was with me! He got the last OW an anal vibrator for Christmas while I got a chocolate bar!

          • “He got the last OW an anal vibrator for Christmas while I got a chocolate bar!”

            LOL. There are jokes here, but I can’t bring myself to write them.

          • Dollars to donuts SAChump, he got that anal vibrator for the OW to really use on him! The few playthings my cheater would buy, always ended up in service to his thrills, excitement, and erection! Wouldn’t have minded if there was some RECIPROCATION!

            Which leads to my IMBAC if I believed his succession of hot sports cars, hair grafting, viagra usuage (which didn’t seem to work – I think he claimed to take them but was hoarding them for OW), and sexy underwear, had anything to do with looking good for his younger wife (me.)

            • On that subject, YMBAC if, out of the blue, your husband shows a great interest in a specific kind of anal play, which he’d never mentioned in 20 years of marriage, and when you ask him where he got the idea, he says a girlfriend did it to him once in college and he’d always wanted to try it with you. And you buy it. Then you discover the existence of his mistress, and his new trick suddenly makes sense.

        • OMG, Every time I read this blog I find out something new. Was he cheating on me for years before? He would complain I didn’t initiate enough, saying he didn’t feel like I wanted him and pouted by refusing to have sex until I “convinced” him… During the relationship (while i was still a factor) with the woman he left me for, my/our family friend, there was no convincing him… OMG I guess I MBAC! FUCK MY FORMER LIFE!!

      • Hahah! STBX was never great in the sack, and I quickly found out after we were married that it was sex on his schedule, as when I initiated, he was always too tired or busy. Guess I was YMBAC right there, even though I thought it was weird that a straight guy in his 30s would actually say “no” to sex. Maybe he was having affairs then, but I think he had performance anxiety which he compensated for by saying how great he was…

        • Wow!!! This sounds like my STBX, always bragging about how big he is to anyone who will listen, sadly it was all just talk!!!

      • Well as he packed I asked him about that, thinking at the time, with my limited information, that maybe he was gay and that would explain his lack of interest, his lack of initiation and, well, his lack of talent. Oh no, it was all my fault, he was raised not to
        Believe in sex before marriage and so he chose to punish me for 18 years of marriage. Pity he was raised not to get little 22 year olds pregnant while he was married and still living in the familiy home!

    • Oh my God! My marriage was sexless for the last couple of years! I really beat myself up about that – ‘I should lose weight, make more effort, shave my legs more often’ – nothing worked. He had ED & poor hygiene issues during his frequent bouts of heavy drinking. After I kicked him out I found viagra purchases on his credit card bill. I never saw the benefit. To this day I have no idea if OW knows he needed blue pills to get it up for her!

    • I spent 20 years in a largely sexless marriage earnestly trying to make it work and figure out why he was so uninterested. Well, turns out he was having plenty of sex, just not with me.

  • YMBAC if you find a receipt for an $1100.00 ladies watch (with diamonds) in his wallet that you did NOT open on Christmas morning!!!! BTW……I was really excited about getting that fucking watch too!!!!

  • YMBAC if you see him furiously texting a female Realtor *while* on a date with you (in a dark movie theater), and you believe it’s simply about refinancing your family home.

  • YMBAC if despite finding months of convos back and for with your husband’s ho-worker (thanks to a keylogger) where they discuss how hot they are to get their hands on each other, how great kissing feels, even the “L” word – said husband swears he never actually had sex with her AND it was my fault anyway for forcing him to get his needs met elsewhere. And I felt like a bad wife.

    • Yep. Mine told me “I had to have sex with someone” despite also telling me “I know we had sex 3-5 times a week I just never felt like you were into it”

      It was never enough. Nothing I did was ever enough.

      • Because he’s too needy. But if you told him HE wasn’t enough, he’d be furious. It’s ALWAYS so one sided.

      • Right there with you Helen. Of course he said the same thing. But all I wanted was him to be home with the kids and I. It was the one thing he would never give me.

      • And of course, when he was thinking you weren’t ‘that into it’, did he EVER ask if you were OK? Did he EVER ask if the two of you were OK? Did he EVER try to improve that experience for YOU? Did he EVER ask if there was something he could do to improve it?

        Yeah, I thought not ….

        (Not that I’ve been THERE, of course 😉 )

      • Wow! Same here. He actually called it ” having a slice” …… Of what???? Oh yeah (wack myself over the head with a log)- a Slice of Cake! Because having a fuckbuddy was not enough…

    • Hahaha..Angie, I too believed ex when he said he hadn’t had sex with final OW…yet. Then a friend pointed out that it would be a rare day indeed if a man was saying I love you and the OW was sending nude pictures if they weren’t having sex.

  • YMBAC if suddenly and without explanation after 16 years together your husband shaves off all of his pubic hair! And despite “sleeping on the couch in his office”, many late nights, unanswered calls, unexplained credit card charges, a new sports car, a new wardrobe, a sudden pedicure and facial habit (need I go on?), etc… You actually tell a concerned friend, “oh no, he’s not having an affair. There are NO RED FLAGS!!”

    Hahahahaha! Where was my head?!?

    • Helen – I am so with you on this one! 20 years married and he finally starts buying his own new clothes? The gym, the haircut, the special diet and extraordinarily expensive protein shakes and supplements! I thought it was great he was looking after himself!

      • Mine did the same! Got onto Zija weight loss and started working out compulsively. Claimed the stuff was so great he decided it sell it on the size. Turns out he was selling it for his married coworker

    • OMG Helen – the shaving thing! And he shaved his chest hair too! And told me it was because “he didn’t want to be sweaty…” So, the first 9 years of our marriage, sweaty was ok, and now it’s not? WTF. It was such a turn-off to me – he looked like a 12 year old boy or a plucked chicken. Ick. The OW can have that nasty.

    • Mine left his gray pubes in the toilet for me to flush. Just shaved them all off right into the toilet, and left them there.

      I really think he was resentful that I was so chumpy. In retrospect, it was SO OBVIOUS he was having an affair, and I just never caught on. But his behavior and mannerisms throughout were SO REVOLTING (acting like a girl, acting like an ugly, old adolescent male, being begrudging, whining all the time about his health, etc.) that, frankly, I’d had it with him, anyway.

      YMBAC if your husband works SOOOOOOOO much overtime, but doesn’t bring home a bigger paycheck. YMBAC if your husband books last-minute trips to Hawaii, or to Yosemite in the snow, feebly asks if you want to try to get time off from work, and the kids? Oh, them? Wul…. And you believe him that he’s doing this because work has been SO STRESSFUL, and he just needs to clear his head.

      YMBAC if your Christmas present is a last-minute chore, wherein he asks you to find that $100 purse you wanted on line, and he sits there in front of you, and puts in his credit card number to pay for it. That’s it!

      YMBAC if on that same Christmas, he asks you to return EVERY SINGLE Christmas present you bought him.

      YMBAC if you’ve been responsible throughout the years for buying everyone else’s holiday and birthday presents, including his mother’s. She threw me under the bus. Hope she likes the presents now, cuz I am no longer his secretary. Maybe OW has good taste. Not in men, apparently.

      • Grey pubes in the toilet? My ex shit his underwear and left them in the TUB! Shoulda took a photo and posted it online. She can HAVE that!

        • Yeah, I do laugh when I think how real life must be going for OW now that she got what she wanted and married him. At least mine was so embarrassed about leaking in his drawers he wrapped them up in a garbage bag and snuck them outside to the garbage can. That was pretty decent of him, come to think of it.

      • Laughing so hard!

        What is it w/cheaters, shitting, and cell phones? My exH used to sit in the bathroom for like 40 MINUTES every morning! We had 2 toddlers, and that was his only “family time” around the kids before leaving for “work” and then not coming home until they were in bed. The kids have very few memories of him (he left when they were 2 and 5), but my daughter has said, when I ask her what she remembers about her dad, “I remember him sitting on the toilet for EVER and drinking coffee and talking on his phone.” What a meaningful legacy to pass to your children. Asshole.

      • Yeah if your gift is a last minute kindle gift card he grabs while buying your son a video game and then leaves it in the bag for you to wrap. Then sends you and the kids to your mother’s house for Christmas because home is “so stressful” and encourages you to stay till after New Years. Then days after you come back he needs to “get away and sleep” and all he tells you is the city he’s going to which is 1.5 hours away. AND YOU ENCOURAGE HIM TO GO!

    • My did the exact same thing- because they were bright ginger and he hated them, well they never bother me for 18 yrs, and when I look back over the years he had the odd hairless flirtation a couple of times before the actual D DAY. 🙁

      I was no naive I believed him…..

      Oh, and he suddenly started wearing a MANBAG, this was a guy who couldn’t choose a t-shirt without taking 1-2 hrs procrastinating about whether it went with this sneakers or not.

      Last time I ever saw him he was wearing a fitted trendy check shirt – he obviously started shopping in different stores after I left then.

      Protein shakes and a GYROSCOPE ? WTF must have been needing to improve his wrist action.

    • How about after 16 years together and never complaining about his little bit of back hair, he asks you to come shave it for him while he showers. Mind you he’s been sleeping on the couch for the month prior. When you ask him why he suddenly cares about his back hair, he says it’s unattractive. “To who” you ask, “I’ve never complained about it” and you shave his fucking back anyway! How can they be so fucking heartless. I wish we could put them all on an island together and watch them play the pick me dance among themselves.

      • I completely understand this. My ex made me cook for the OW and her family after she had a baby (they started cheating when she was pregnant with her husbands child) The worst part is a feeling of being an actor in your own destruction and humiliation. Never again.

        • That is so abusive and cruel! His balls should be tasered!
          My cheater had an old GF with whom he had admitted he once had a three-some and he claimed she was really gay and had no sexual interest in him. However, when we would go out socially, I always got a vibe that they had unfinished business and together they were cataloging my short-comings. He was always attentive to her but acted detached toward me, unless he was putting on a show, like he wanted to make her jealous of his relationship.
          I would tell him my feelings about it, but of course I got the “you’re just too sensitive or not hip, or imaging things…” However, he would always hide his phone calls from/to her, claiming he couldn’t take my “over-reaction.”

          SO IMBAC to not trust my gut about “old” GFs and supposedly “past” history because he never stopped contacting her especially on the sly (saw phone records or overheard conversations ) until she got married to another guy.

          The past is prologue.

        • Chumperstein, please don’t be hard on yourself. He deceived you in the most despicable way. What a sadistic piece of shit. My story pales in comparison but I understand the feeling of having aided in one’s own demise. From my current perspective, I see that what I actually did was release myself from hell. It will get better!

    • Mine actually started growing facial hair.

      YMBAC if, after hearing your husband boast of his clean-shaven appearance for years, he grows a mustache and goatee that not only makes him look 10 years older, but also suspiciously like every single one of OW’s ex-husbands AND you accept his explanation that he feels like doing something different with his hair.

  • YMB even more of AC if your friends give you the side-eye about how much your lazy husband is spending on extra stuff for the beloved car and you acknowledge that yes, it is an expensive hobby but other men have affairs with their mid-life crisis – at least tinkering with the car keeps him out of trouble!

    CL – this is so cathartic! I am actually laughing about it!! Good grief, what a chump I’ve been!

  • When you’re saddled with a s reaming infant and a son with learning disabilities in your one bedroom loft in your multi family in your sketchy part of town where gunshots, backfire or fireworks is a nightly guessing game (I got pretty good, they were mostly gunshots) and despite having plenty of money and assists and options to get the hell out, we linger on a six year house hunt that has been deemed “my job” by Grand Pubah twerp extrodinaire! When I find one that can’t be argued with, we make the big move and he starts sleeping with a married mom whose kids was in my struggling kid’s class within two months, maybe less. When I complain about kids daily exposure to paramour, I’m told I’m overreacting.

  • YMBAC if your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling, so you go by yourself assuming you can fix the marriage single handedly. Spackle! Spackle! Spackle!

    The counseling didn’t fix my marriage, instead it opened my eyes to all the abuse I was subjected to, so I in turn filed for divorce. 3 years out, still not divorced because I’m married to a control freak! Life rolls on….

  • One more:

    Then H is spending a year in Washington, DC, on leave from work, to pursue his dream job because he is unhappy at work (this you encouraged, never would have happened otherwise given that he is Capt Passive). He comes home every 4-5 weeks to see you and the kids. 5 months in, he takes a cool work trip to Africa. He writes a long Facebook post about all the cool things he has seen and interesting people he has met…. And ends it with a comment about how he cannot wait to return to his DC family (work colleagues, housemate, etc) and share his experiences with them.
    Um…. Your children? Your wife? Chumpish chump, that’s me.

    I called him on it, but still did not put 2 and 2 together given our past history and past MC (trusted him to tell me what he was feeling/what he needed….)

  • YMBAC when you smell pussy on your husband’s dick and it aint yours. Sorry…..I know that is gross but it happened!

      • I had that happened too. I got into the car after physical therapy following ACL repair. XH did a “run” while I was learning how to walk again. After my session, I get into the car with him and smelled the most God awful, foul stench. He laughed and said he has “high uric acid”. Seriously, I’ve been around him after he ran marathons and I never smelled THAT before. wwwwwww

        • My husbands car stunk all the time….I would ask him what the smell was. He would say….”what smell, I don’t smell anything!” It was moldy and sour….found out later he was hauling prostitutes around as well as homeless people. Said he was taking them to doctors appointments and such. He was being a good samaritan.

        • I would let my ex borrow MY car because it was an hour on the bus or fifteen minutes by car. It STUNK! He would smoke both cigarettes and marijuana in MY CAR and then when I comment on the smell, he would feign ignorance! (Classic Gaslighting: Who would you believe? Me or your LYING NOSE!?)

          Cleaning my car was very cathartic! Now it smells AMAZING! 🙂

  • YMBAC if… he tells you that actually, he hasn’t been wearing his wedding ring for a whole year, for “security reasons.” And he is a mailman.

    YMBAC if… he buys a Mothers Day gift for his mom and your mom, but doesn’t even get you a card. And you are in the hospital.

    YMBAC if… a “friend” lets him borrow a brand-new iPod, which he listens to for hours non-stop. And it is hot pink.

    YMBAC if… you accompany him to the local bar, and all the waitresses run up to hug him the second you walk in.

    YMBAC if… he invites you out to dinner, and then makes you pay.

    YMBAC if… he calls his OW to fill her in, after every marriage counseling session.

  • YMBAC if your husband comes home from his month-long Christmas/NY trip to Europe to “visit his dying mother” (because Christmas with you two adorable pre-schoolers is definitely never fun or memorable) and he has a suitcase full of new underwear and pajamas. And they are nasty (little icky black briefs and BLACK VELOUR pajamas, I shit you not.) And so I say, “WTF are these?” and (ex)H tells me, “That’s what my mom got me for Christmas.”

    (Now, my ex MIL is/was seriously crazy, but that was freaky. I put them all in the trash, but found them later in his car. He dug them out of the trash. So. Very. Nasty. He’s seriously planning on sleeping next to me wearing PJ’s from the OW? And having me take off his porn star undies gifted from the OW? That is some seriously warped shit.)

    • Seriously, shaggy black f’ing velour – the kind that leaves big chunks of black lint on the sheets and in the dryer. And it had a GOLD collar. He tried wearing it to bed ONCE. He was “well taken care of” in that regard, and I told him that if he ever wanted sex again, he better lose those jammies. I was still thinking it was his icky Freudianly-disturbed mother that was trying to ruin my fun….

      I’ve given up trying to figure out if it was creepy MIL or OW with really bad taste – either way, so foul. And I’m sure that shit would have melted like butter. So that’s a nice visual to have – him wearing his skanky melting jammies in hell.

  • YMBAC if you find mix CDs in his car with the titles written in flouncy, girly writing where the letter “i”s have circles for the dots….and he says they’re just from “a friend”.

    • Check! I got that one — I just remember the first song on it was the 80s hit “Micky.” Micky, Micky you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind — HEY MICKY!”

      So yes, this coworker was like… 12.

    • You must have been in my stbxh’s car about 10 years ago LiningUpDucks! His newest is the I have no idea of her ordinal number other woman and her kids are having pizza and playing uno at his apartment with your kids. I hope his dick fall right the fuck off. Maybe I’ll buy him some of those velour jammies and a pack of smokes and hope for the best.

      • Trying, I am so sorry you are going through this RIGHT NOW and I hope your STBX’s karma bus is either a Mac Truck or a frigging tank! Your scenario is why I stayed with SpongeBob Cheaterpants for 13 more years…only to be discarded at 52 years old for a second affair. You are doing the right thing and his “parenting” is on him. You don’t want him to model his shabby treatment of you onto his kids.

        Oh, and your anger is a lot better (and more constructive) than depression. Let the anger work *for* you. Run your credit report to see if there’s any hidden cards and document (copy) as much financial stuff as you can and store it off site. I hope you’re keeping a journal of his parenting time. (Hugs)

  • CL, clearly your husband is awesome for this suggestions.
    Are you sure he does not have an available brother or cousin? I am originally from Texas, if that helps in any way…. 😉

    • He is super awesome. 🙂 No available relatives that I’m aware of… sorry. But I think the state is full of great guys, so long as you stay away from the unemployed singer songwriters of Austin.

  • If you believe your cheater when they come home late and say “No, honey, *that* bar stays open later, didn’t you know?”….YMBAC.

  • YMBAC if you are ok with him going to the movies with your “BFF” and they choose movies that they know I will never want to see – Scary gory movies and then YMBAC if you actually believed that they went to the movies!

  • YMBAC if you agree (even encourage) that WH should go on a weekend trip to FL to learn a new hobby while you stay home juggling schedule of three kids who have to be in three different places at the same time because that is what makes him happy.

    Then…YMBA bigger C when he tells you that he hates to travel without a companion and he has always had a “woman on his arm” since he was a teenager (this was as justification post dday. I should have known that?)

  • If over the course of two decades your spouse never gives you a single compliment about how you look, and you attribute it to a really healthy sense that they don’t consider looks all that important, YMBAC.

    If during (false) reconciliation you declare it to have been a “hidden blessing” that you didn’t know about all those affairs over all those years because divorce would’ve meant less time with the kids during their formative years, YMBAC.

    If even after you uncover an ongoing affair while in MC for another affair, and she moves out, you still go over to her house when it’s 95 degrees and mow her lawn because she’s never done that before and can’t really be expected to learn now, YMBAC.

    • It’s ok, Nomar.
      _I_ found my STBX a place to live that would be good for the kids since he could not drag himself away from the OW long enough to do that.

      • Me too! And it was a better price and space than the one I ended up with. I wanted to swap since I found both apartments and we were running out of time. He said “no” because mine was too expensive and small!! I said right then, Do you think I am a chump? I am a chump” YMBAC when you ask your revolting X if you are a chump when the answer is clear. God I wish I never had to see him again.
        Chumperstein

      • Ditto, but I thought it a small price to pay to get him OUT of the family home, that he insisted the kids and I stay in (but then wouldn’t leave).

    • Nomar,

      The lawn mowing thing is sweet. I once heard that men judge other men (to some degree) by how they take care of the lawn i.e. a guy that makes his wife cut the grass is a dick. So IMO that’s only marginally chumpy 🙂

      I was a TOTAL CHUMP because my ex was always “too busy” to cut the grass – I was mowing grass in 90+ degree heat during a high risk pregnancy because “he was so tired from work”. Sigh.

      • Oh, there was definitely some Yard Pride at work there. In a small town, everyone notices how your yard is kept and who is keeping it that way.

        But looking back I am shocked that at some point while feeling the early onset symptoms of heat exhaustion I didn’t say to myself, “WTF? This is not MY job. She can do it herself, hire someone to do it, or ask one of her boyfriends do do it?”

        I think chumps keep that voice wrapped inside a rug and locked in a trunk in the basement.

        • Ooooh, I agree, nomar–that is HOT that you did that. It says a lot about YOUR character, not about what a whore she is.

          I did all our yard work. ALL. OF. IT. ALL the time. He mowed the lawn a couple times. Now he lives in a shit hole, because OW is too entitled to get dirt on her fingers, and xH is a loser who doesn’t have me to do the yard work any more. And, you know? It DOES matter. My affection for xH was diminished by his laziness, and by his willingness to let be the man of the house WAY too often. Someone had to do it, though. I spackled SO hard throughout our marriage, and the yard thing was a big giant part of it. Actually, a LOT of the “man chores” was a big part of it–hauling the garbage cans, bringing the Christmas tree into and out of the house while he played video games on the computer, etc. Ick. Obviously, I CAN do all of that, but it sure is something else to look over and see Mr. Limpy totally oblivious–or worse–irritated with me for caring. Ugh!

          • My ex asked me, fifth night home from the hospital after having given birth and had a tubal ligation, to help him drag the full garbage cans out to the street. No qualms, no shame.

            Also, I feel you on the yard work. Mine was always just so tiiiiiired because he woooooorked. Evidently, he was the only man on the planet who worked a normal job and whose wife then had the audacity to ask he do something other than lay on the couch and get shitface drunk.

          • Miss Sunshine,

            I think I was married to your XH’s twin. I did all this stuff, too, while he played video games or was sleeping or just lurking about. One day while I was fighting with the lawn mower in the heat, I saw him a few feet away with his hands on his hips “grading me.” He would say, “You missed a spot over by the tree.” So yes, I was a chump! Should have pushed that lawn mower in his face and walked away right then.

            • It’s soooooooo not attractive when you feel like more of a man than the man who wants sex from you, because he’s a spineless, whiny coward. ICK!

              I am proud of my yard now, but GOD, I love a MAN who does MAN work. I know that’s not PC of me, but I LOVE it.

        • I hope the neighbors are thinking he’s a dick. He left the sprinklers broken so the lawn would die and he wouldn’t have to mow it any more.

      • Yep ReDefiningMe. And washing cars and pressure washing the drive way. I even painted one side of our house by myself. All in hopes that he would then have more time for the family.

        Please tell me we will NEVER be so foolish again! Otherwise I’m hanging up the relationship/sex towel right now.

    • XH always took pride in his lawn and spent *hours* working on it. After he moved out, I had to watch two YouTube videos to mow the lawn – one to find out how to start the lawn mower, the other on how to attach the grass catcher. I sang, “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!” the first time I mowed the lawn. I felt like an Amazon when I was done…. 🙂

      • Well done Red, I second your post.

        But my stupid exH said he didn’t think I could do it! So I learnt how to and told him to shove the law mower up his crapper.

        We can and will survive cos we are worth it..

          • I told mine that I did not know how to start a lawnmower & that as soon as I knew how, I knew it would become my job! So I refused to learn. Now that I live by myself, I did learn, did it for awhile & then hired someone.

  • YMBAC if you find a HUGE wad of tissues that are stuck together under the drivers seat of his car (because you’re the only one who cares enough to clean it) and when confronted, he says he spilled coffee in the car. Except the tissues aren’t stained brown and he doesn’t use tissues let alone keep them in his car.

    YMBAC if after discovering this ^ all your spidey senses are screaming that something is terribly wrong and instead of investigating, you stand in front of the bathroom mirror and tell yourself, out loud, that you don’t want to know.

    Stoopid Chumpy McChumpster with a side of doormat.

    • Hugs! It’s so hard when we see it in writing, but let’s try not abuse ourselves too heartily. Our fucktards have done enough of that already.

      (BTW I’ve referred to myself as Chumpy Chumperson)

      • Thanks chumppalla, Hugs to you too. My self esteem is not only in the toilet, it has been flushed, treated and is now circulating somewhere in the Pacific. The signs were so obvious he may as well have hired a plane to write it in the sky. Chances are, I probably would have explained that away as well. Something like “Oh look, a strange cloud that appears to say “HE IS CHEATING!!”. Huh, whaddya know. Wonder what the meteorologists would call that?”

        • Circulating in the Pacific, yep, that’s where mine is, too. I think it’s specifically swirling around that massive ocean vortex-pileup of plastic bags, soda rings, and other sea trash. My only hope is that some unsuspecting turtle will swallow it and then puke it back up on shore, kind of like a fucked up version of Message in a Bottle.

        • Don’t feel bad. (See my post above about removing the key logger because I just didn’t want to see anymore evidence.) It’s amazing to me too, that my self-esteem was so low coupled w/ being emotionally ripped apart that I just put blinders on for a time.

          I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I had to get myself together but once I was ready, the blinders were ripped off. My divorce will be final in a week. 🙂

  • YMBAC if he spends every minute at home texting on his cell phone and you buy that he’s only talking to one of his soldiers that is having a hard time with military life.

    YMBAC if he changes the password to your online banking when there is no bank branch on the island you live on, right before Valentine’s day and keeps “forgetting” to tell you what it is. Turns out, someone charged flowers on our account, but I didn’t get so much as a hug that day. What a dick.

    YMBAC if he makes you feel like you’re crazy for being suspicious of his online addiction only to later find out that he’s finding and hooking up with other women through various dating sites.

  • Iiiiiiifffff your husband says he needs to live on his own for a while to work on his mental health issues…and you agree? youuuuuuuuuu might be a chump

  • YMBAC if you believe he wants you back in his life so he can work towards “making it up to you” and that he “hates himself for hurting you” but then find out he’s still f*cking the OW

    YMBAC if your ex used to “work” almost 80+ hours, but still couldn’t pay for everyday expenses like gas, groceries, date nights, etc.

    YMBAC if you cry every night because of the emotional abuse and neglect but still tell everyone you two are doing “great”

    YMBAC if you find a dirty e-mail from a ho-worker and he insists that he already took it to HR last week (even though it was sent that day) giving some BS explanation of how e-mail works. (Puh-lease! I went to a Tech school for 5 years *eyeroll*)

  • YMBAC if you didn’t file until you’d already spent thousands of dollars trying to come to an “amicable” settlement.

    • BTDT. Could own my own Porsche with all that money spent on collaborative divorce and other amicable solution. Glad I live in a state where adultery is a reason to divorce.

      • That’s awesome for you Meg. Here in FL he could have been fucking a new girl everynight and unless I can prove he spent martial assets on them it doesn’t matter one bit. Makes no difference that he’s a mentally abusive, lying cheating asshole. Almost wish he would have hit me just once so I could have his ass thrown in jail.

        Really at what point will society realize this emotional and mental abuse is just as bad as the physical and should be dealt with just as harshly.

        • Hang in there! You can look for the marital asset trail or have a friend who knows numbers help you. The cheaters always think they are smarter than you are, so they don’t cover their tracks perfectly. They know we are chumps, but have no idea of the empowerment of Chump Nation. I took a calendar, the credit card bills, and the cell phone bills and managed to piece together where the marital assets were being dissipated. You can too!

          • Me, too. It leaves a bad impression with the judge and it might embarrass the cheater into a better settlement.

  • This is dangerous, I may not be able to stop.

    YMBAC if you see his jacket hanging in the wardrobe with a large white stain down the front and you tell yourself that he must have spilled a milkshake….when he was at a football game……at night……and he doesn’t drink milkshakes. Because he’s so clumsy with beverages.

    YMBAC when, heavily pregnant with his 2nd child, you bring him dinner at his office at 8pm at night and he yells at you that you are interrupting his work and you leave and cry all the way home because your husband seems to hate you with a passion. (I’ve since been told that OW no.2, an employee, was hiding in the copy room).

    • You probably WERE interrupting his “work,” if you know what I mean…. Shoulda checked the color of his balls at that point.

      • Yep, I’ve had to talk myself down a number of times. But he is so not worth it.

        As for the employee, when I confronted her last year she says – whiny voice – “..he was supporting me through a bad break up”. Oh for the love of God!

  • YMBAC if he texts you pics from his “work” trip (he’s actually out mountain climbing and horseback riding) and you notice he isn’t wearing his wedding ring in any of the photos. When you confront him, he tells you you’re crazy and accuses you of trying to ruin his great time.

  • If, several months after discovering your wife’s affair, you believe that she set up a secret e-mail account and sent the OM an invitation to meet so that she could tell him in person that she never wanted to see him again…. YMBAC.

    • After I discovered he had an OW and was with her 1000 miles away, XH immediately came home and tried to tell me it wasn’t what I thought and he was just helping her with her kids (we have 4). He then went back to “Say Goodbye to her” and spent the whole weekend, missing our daughter’s birthday. I’ve heard of saying it with flowers, but he had to say it with (ahem)… something else.

      YMBAC if you still take him back, believing he had really ended it.

  • If you accept: “because why not?” as a legitimate explanation for why your wife deletes hundreds of texts from only one particular number…..YMBAC.

      • Sorry that came off a little condescending. My stbxh had 5000 in one month to the OW. There is no explanation. I think 10 texts a month from a married man to a married woman he works with is the most that might be acceptable in my book, and even those shouldn’t be deleted.

  • YMBAC if exH told you that he “left his wedding ring in Europe” during a trip because he was in a car accident and they lost it in the emergency room” – except that he never called to tell you there was an accident and doesn’t have a scratch on him (normally the guy would take out a billboard if he got a paper cut…).

    Yeah, ER’s are always cutting wedding rings off of patients with no injuries, they’re funny that way.

  • YMBAC if your exH suddenly starts taking off his wedding ring at night and in the car “because his hands swell” – except that he leaves other rings on. And his hands are swelling why? Because he’s pregnant?

    Turns out he’d told OW we’d been divorced for five years, and he was trying to get rid of that tricky little “wedding ring dent” – mine took about three years to go away.

  • You mean I Might be a chump if I believe that….he told our daughter he is living with one of his Prostitutes, her husband, 5 kids and several chihuahuas in a seedy part of town sharing a room with a 13 year old run away! No Lie…..this is the latest.

  • YMBAC when you know that the work ‘bike’ (tramp) your husband is infatuated with will be on the table at a work function and you are not told. But when you suspect she will be there and ask and was then told, I pulled the pin on us going 12 hours before said event. He is still trying to get into her pants but she has commented to one of his male work colleagues that she feels uncomfortable in his presence and yet he is still trying and that is 15 long years. I was an absolute fool to put up with him.

  • YMBAC if… you confront your husband, “I know you’re having an affair,” and he says, “Yes I did, but I only had sex with Trixie a few times.” But the affair you’ve been documenting is with Susan.

    That actually happened to me three days ago. Oh and I totally did the the isn’t it great he’s taking care of himself — working out, going to yoga (YOGA?!?), dressing nicely, etc.

    • Cas, I am thoroughly impressed that you have found your way to this site in such a short period of time after discovery (it took me almost 18 months). You are definitely in the right place. Three days after DD1 I’m pretty sure I was dancing the pick-me interpretative dance of madness like a woman possessed. It was brutal and completely futile. Be kind to yourself, it’s the worst of times.

      • I just had a 3rd DDay, had forgotten the first one six years ago, had the second one two months ago, and was in the process of divorcing him when I discovered No.3, which makes the last seven years full of OW I had no clue about.

        • Been there. Had one years ago but thought it was a blip. Turns out he never stopped cheating and probably cheated before that. He had several women on the go when I found out about final OW, who apparently thinks she’s special.

  • YMBAC if after the separation, he still has keys to the house to come in daily to have a BM….

    • xH WISHES he could do that! He would sit 30+ minutes or more on the toilet, always with his phone or iPad or something electronic, especially after coming home from work. His clothes would be all over the floor and he would be sitting naked on the toilet, texting or whatever. In his own poop-stench.

      Ah, memories…now that the separation/divorce is final, my bathrooms have never stayed so clean and smelled better…and I have two kids!

      • Oh my goodness. I thought my husband was the only one. Sitting there naked with his laptop/phone in his poop stench with the door locked. We’re talking HOURS at a time. I’m so sorry anyone else had to deal with this.

        • Ah, truly we were blessed! He left the door OPEN. So we could all enjoy the stench as it wafted through the house.

          They must have both read that page in the cheater handbook.

          • That is truly special. No wonder you’re glad he’s gone!

            Actually, my husband was having sexy chat sessions with the OW while on the john. I doubt they would have been as sexy if she had a visual to go along with text.

              • My DDay was overhearing him trying to make a “date” while he was sitting on the toilet, with the door open. He didn’t know I was right around the corner. YMBAC if your very first thought in the above situation is “I am NOT going to put up with this too.” I mean in addition to the spending addiction, laziness, irresponsibility with the kids etc. I just ran out of spackle.

        • What is the fascination with pooping? XWH would also strip and sit in there and read an entire magazine. He had stacks of magazines that he had to read, in his “relaxation zone”.

          I don’t understand what’s relaxing about farting, grunting and stinky smells.

          • Mine used to take his pants off when he got home. Drape them over things.

            Also was a mysteriously long time in the bathroom pooper. Things You Never Want to Live With Again So Help You God…

              • They really do play out of the same handbook, don’t they? “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” –Simone Weil

                Speaking of cartoons, the melting jammies in hell has had me laughing out loud all day.

            • My STBX even had the six women in his office conditioned to not bother him when he told them he was “Going to the library for a while”. He makes jokes about this routine to anyone around. I find it offensive and if I worked for him I would not want to hear this from him….EVER. Of course, he did the same at home and would go into a rage if I disturbed him, telling me he never gets to use the bathroom at work. I will not missed this a**hole.

        • My son got naked to poop when he was 3. Your WH is STILL doing this??? Yikes!!!! Oh, KT – I am SO sorry!

        • Okay, this is getting weird. My XH did all of this, naked on the toilet, sat there forEVER. Weirder still is that he never had anything to say to me, hardly gave me the time of day, unless I was in the bathroom with the door closed. Then he wanted in to talk? W.T.F?? Was Freud right about the anal phase? Someone do a study on the link between defecation rituals and NPD!

      • Bwahaha, my cheater does this too. Disgusting! I bet that cell phone has so many gross germs on it between the dumps, using it while chatting with the OW, and looking at porn. I never have to see or smell any of this again.

        • Just remembered…mine would get upset if I even spoke to him in the kitchen sometimes. He said he was working himself up to a poo and I spoiled it by distracting and interrupting him. Are all men weird about poo? Or is it just cheaters? Takes me 1-4 minutes. (Sorry if too much information!)

          • Ok. I had to google that and it’s just as disgusting as I thought. I bet that was what XWH was doing in there all that time. Ewwwww!

            • I had to check that too. Fortunately, it was not QUITE as gross as I had in my mind’s eye…

              • Mine took the stinkiest most toxic dumps, they were just unfucking real! Bring tears to your eyes!! Was this another sign I missed? The rottenness on the inside venturing out? The bathroom would sometime stink all day.

  • Fortunately I found CL early on when I first suspected something and it helps me keep tethered to reality which is good since Trixie was a friend – we’d even planned family vacations together – and the whole thing has been such a massive mindf**k.

    Oh I read a google’s worth of “Infidelity saved my marriage” types of sites and that stuff makes absolutely no sense.

    • Oh how I wish I had found CL, she went “live” right when I was in the middle my 3.5 month pick me dance. I did not find Chumplady for another year.

    • I’ve done a lot of googling too, and I’m appalled with all the marital snake oil out there.

  • YMBAC if you max your credit cards out because he guilts you into buying the latest and greatest technology “for the family”, and find OW pictures taken with “the family’s” digital camera on “the family’s” computer!

    • yep – YMBAC – if you charge HIS guilt trips to YOUR cards (trip for son to Cardinals spring training, big Carnival cruise with Christian rock groups for daughter) and they aren’t even paid off when you’re accused during the divorce discovery of being an “over charger” and “wasting marital assets” Yesterday was his birthday. I burned him in effigy all over again.

      • I guess cheaters don’t have enough money to go to all their women, huh? Probably guilted his other women out of money too? Or are we the only chumps?

        • Usually they’re in full-on love bombing mode with the OW. My husband is the cheapest person on the planet, but he took his latest EA out for an expensive lunch. (We don’t have lots of money to spare, so I don’t usually blame him for being cheap.) He couldn’t even bring himself to buy me gas station roses on my birthday the last few years, but he can drop money on her.

          Long story short, they’ll spend on someone if they’re idealizing them. They’re idealizing the OW, so she gets all the goodies. For now.

        • No I think mine has OW helping to pay the bills on his apt while she still officially lives at home with mommy, daddy, recent ex and two little boys. So clearly, my stbxh is milking that cow too.

          He didn’t milk me for money though, just my time, energy, emotion, and love. Asshole! I’d have rather paid him off and had him get the fuck away from me and our kids.

      • Yep raises hand.

        I also financed all the vacations with my cards because the one he had with a limit of 12K was always maxed out! Maxed out on god knows what because I never saw any of it. Super chumpy of me.

    • Speaking of pictures! YMBAC if your cheater asks you to e-mail that sexy picture you took of him on a vacation, so he can use it as a “screen saver” (which he never does) BUT later find it on his profile at an on-line hook-up site….

      • Yep, I loved seeing a picture of the two of us where I had been cut out that he used on his dating profile. There is no shame.

        • Oh lord, my ex asked mr to fing a pic of him from years ago, and yeah, he used it on several dating sites….YMBAC in the making if you think the 50 something guy with a 30 something pic is right for you

  • YMBAC if…
    you start thinking it is normal to take one’s phone to the bathroom.

    you think it is odd that other couples share their mobile phones.

    they seem to have the worst battery life in their phones.

    they never hear the phone but when they are with you they pick up within a nanosecond of it ringing.

    they bring you a t-shirt from their shagcation that they never invited you to.

    they ask you to come over (when living abroad) for Valentine’s day but then they forgot they asked you and they tell you it’s best if you don’t come over, as they will be ‘busy’ with ___________(complete as appropriate).

    they think it is OK to come over to ‘talk things through’ and 5 minutes in have their penis on show. And they get annoyed when you say ‘No’

    • YMBAC if…
      you start thinking it is normal to take one’s phone to the bathroom.

      Yes! Mine even took his phone into the *shower*

      • Just to say, AC_, that I think it’s something all of us chumps can relate to – cheaters and their effing cell phones!

    • YMBAC…if your husband’s phone keeps chirping while he’s driving and he sticks his hand in his pocket, turns it off, and says it’s his school’s basketball coach tweeting. Can he tell this by feel?

    • Yeah mine had a phone with the shortest battery life and never answered when I called, yet he kept the phone in his boxer shorts at home and when it would light up he said the battery was dying. YMBAC

  • YMBAC if…your husband didn’t propose with a ring, so you have to pick out and pay for your own wedding ring.

    • Same here.

      I still have the receipt. He may have used his credit card, but I paid his bill that month.

      He spent more on toys for himself ($500+ on PEZ dispensers, $300 on RC cars, $200+ on model cars, to name a few) than he “spent” on our wedding rings.

      I’m SO glad that crap is out of my house. Now the OW? She’s pissed that it’s in their apartment and wants him to get rid of it.

    • I can do you all one better. My cheater ex gave me an engagement ring that WAS HIS SECOND WIFE’S.

      He recycled.

      (We compared notes after D-Day — she asked me straight up what kind of ring I had and OMFG it was her ring. She gave it back to him in the divorce.)

        • I wanted to make earrings for my daughters from the wedding ring because it was my cheater´s mother´s ring, but my soon-to-be-ex went crazy mad about my idea (stupid of me to have told him) and reminded me that when his father gave me the ring during the wedding ceremony he said “if you ever get divorced you have to return the ring.” So I did. I had forgotten that the ring was a loan! Son will probably wants to recycle it on the OW …

      • I had no idea that wedding rings were ever returned.

        I mean, I know it’s the custom with engagement rings if the engagement is broken off, but… I thought people just had wedding rings turned into other jewelry or something.

        Which reminds me… mine is still somewhere in my bathroom, I think. Yikes. what do you do with them?

          • Me too, then with the money i took me and a gf out for lunch and got a tattoo that says freedom in french. It is only little but i got it to remind me never to get trapped again. Rings might not last for ever but a tatt wii.

          • I sold mine at a pawn shop. Then I went to the grocery store. Bought a few items and the expensive toilet paper. I figured it was worth more than the time spent with the whore.

        • I had the stones removed from engagement ring and a promise ring, then had a beautiful pendant made. I love it, and everyone compliments me on it!

        • Dear Time Heals and other chumps,

          I took my rings & his band (he hadn’t worn it for YEARS so he did not miss it) and sold them at jewelers. The money went towards my ‘escape’ last year.

          I did keep the central diamond out of my engagement ring and had it re-set. I did it as a way of turning something ugly into something beautiful! Reminds me that I have, albeit slowly, risen out of the slime!

          Love to all of you Chumps! Forge on……

        • Unbeknown to me, my ex took back my wedding rings, including diamond engagement ring when he finally moved out. He felt that since I had filed for divorce he was entitled to have them back. When I noticed that they were gone, I knew he had taken them, but I decided not to say anything. After the years of hell he put me through I didn’t want any more drama. I think it bugs him that I have not asked for them back. I am sad that my daughter won’t get them, as I had always intended for her to have my diamond. Perhaps OWife has my diamond now.

      • It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone. Pawned the ring recently…spent $1500 and got less than $200 for it. What a joke! Won’t do that again!

      • CL, wait a minute, my ex bought me an ugly ring 2 years after we married as a Xmas present. He insisted he was allergic to metal so no ring for him. During divorce he asked for the ring because ” I know you didn’t like it, AND guess what, I found out I’m not allergic after all”. I sweetly told him it really meant something to me, I will sell it but no hurry, it’s a cheap ring

      • OMG CL. I recently found out that my STBXN(ightmare) gave me the ring he gave to his other fiance. She gave it back and then he gave it to me.

    • Mine didn’t propose at all. I picked out the ring, which I happily did. Problem was I paid for half of it!

      • Wow, thinking about it now, 35 years later, mine never proposed either. We had been living together for about a year and a half. I NEVER got a ring. Finally around year 28 I bought myself a ring and he gave it to me for Christmas. It looks somewhat like an anniversary ring. It made him look good in front of the kids. Chumpity chump chump.

    • Slowly raises hand.

      Mine was sneaky about it though.

      He proposed without the ring, then the next day takes me to the jewelry store so I can pick out “whatever I want”. I pick it out and he signs up for the store credit. 6 months after we’re married guess who stopped paying the bill so I had to take over paying it? Yeah I got chumped into buying my own damn ring.

      • Aren’t we part of a special club!?!?

        I paid for my wedding ring, and his too, for that matter.
        I miss wearing the ring (it was really a nice piece of jewelry) more than I miss my ex-asshat!

      • Mine did similar. At the time i was to pick out a ring but everything i picked he didn’t like. Girls usually have very particular tastes in rings but i ended up feeling like I was being really selfish so I settled for something that wasn’t me at all. I guessed it was money….but he spent so casually so maybe it was something else. Half way through our marriage i caught him on some chat site posing as “bored, lonely, 40 guy”, I’d just had a baby and he was bored and lonely!!!!! I threw my rings at him and never wore them again. That was 11 years ago. I now wear a ring of my grandmothers that I had remodelled. It has more sentimental value and generally is more valuable than the pixy rings he gave me to celebrate our marriage. Should have known then!

    • One day I will tell my daughter – never marry a man who isn’t thrilled to buy you an engagement/wedding ring. I paid for a 1/3rd of mine and he was reluctant to get me one at all. After 17 years of marriage he told me I could keep it when we were separating. Then he said maybe our daughter might want it someday – WTF? I yelled back – dam right I am keeping it, I paid for 1/3rd of it you a**hat.

    • I paid for half of my ring so I could have something “decent.” I was a chump even THEN (1986)… Good Heavens!

      • Damn, I didn’t pay for my engagement ring but I did use a stone that came from my grandmother’s ring so 4/5 of the value in that ring was mine. I’d always planned on eventually having it put back into my grandmother’s ring (which I’d had for 25 years before I met my ex) but the bastard left the door unlocked one day and the ring disappeared along with all of my jewelry. I am still pissed at that. And he never did purchase me a wedding ring, but I did buy him his.

  • YMBAC if….

    The OW’s spouse calls you twice over a 3 months span to say that you’re both being chumped by them and both times you say… “Affair? No. Not my Unicorn!”

  • YMBAC….

    When your husbands new “trainee” at work needs extra “training”, requiring him to stay later…

    When your business trip is cancelled at the last minute and he’s more disappointed than you are…

    When you keep getting suckered into stupid fights over nothing so he can storm out of the house to blow off steam….

  • YMBAC if: you think that someone really has such bad bowel problems that they have to take their laptop into the bathroom with them for HOURS at a time. (The door was locked, of course.) Seriously, we lived with my parents for a couple weeks after moving out of state while trying to find a new place. My mom kind of gave the side-eye on his sitting in the bathroom with the laptop for hours at a time. Completely humiliating having to explain that. Of course, he said I was being too controlling by bringing it up.

    YMBAC if: you tell yourself that it’s not a porn/hookup site you see reflected in the window behind your DH as he’s sitting on the couch “surfing the web”. Of course he quickly closes the window if you decide to sit down next to him. Too bad the screen froze one time and I busted his ass.

    YMBAC if: he comes home from working the night shift and sits out in the car for at least two hours before coming into the house. He explains that this behavior is normal, but when you look out the window it seems like he’s **ahem** texting furiously.

    Like someone else said, YMBAC if: you think he’s sleeping in his car during freezing cold winter weather because he was too tired to drive home after his shift.

    YMBAC if: he tries new moves on you. You say that it hurts or doesn’t do anything for you. He replies that you’re just too uptight and that’s why you can’t get into it. Every other woman LOVES that type of thing. (He’s supposedly only been with you as a sexual partner since you met at 19. How the fuck would he know?)

    Sorry. This thread is addictive. I’ll quite before I depress myself.

  • If he gets angry at your suggestion that you meet him and his co-workers out for a drink last minute, and you think he’s just being protective of his “me time”, YMBAC.

    • Mine did that. He was in love with the girls at work. I never believed they were interested in him; I knew that he was being a…well, a chump. He’d go hiking and biking and running with them (his back never hurt at all). When I’d ask if I could go, he’d lie and say they weren’t going. Or he’d keep it a secret. He thought it was awesome that I was hurt by his shitty treatment of me and his pursuit of these women who were completely out of his league. Finally he said, “That’s like when Howard Stern says, ‘you don’t bring your girlfriend when you go out with the GUYS!'” Buuuuuuut, I’m NOT your girlfriend, and it’s not “the guys,” and WTF is a grown man taking advice from Howard fucking STERN for???? Whatevs.
      Eventually he figured out that he wasn’t going to get laid by anyone but me…. And, how I spackled in order to not be disgusted by this sort of behavior. Yes, I had sex with THAT. I am such a chump. *face palm*
      Who knew he’d eventually find a whore who would sleep with him and take him away from the misery of a hot wife and three awesome kids.

      • When before you are even divorced he has his bitch and her kids ( one of which may be his) over having dinner, playing games, and having fun with your kids like one big happy fucking family. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

          • His ass has already been kicked Miss Sunshine. He’s doing this in his own apartment; that’s why I can’t do anything. I was very nosy and suspicious, plus I had suspected the OW had feelings for him for the past 3 years. She wasn’t welcomed or allowed anywhere near my house.

            • Oh, I get it, now. I’m sorry that your kids have to be anywhere near that twat and your foolish ex.

              (((hugs!)))

  • YMBAC if you see him smiling smirkily at the computer screen as he sits on the couch, taking selfies and you believe him that he’s sending them to his co-worker.

  • Awesome chumps,

    Some of these posts still carry the hurt inflicted by these evil cheaters, but many are truly hilarious. I thank all of you for the laugh out loud posts, and pray for all us chumps that we will all move on well; live authentic, peaceful lives; and be able to laugh again someday. Chumps are mighty.

    • I am rereading this post and laughing myself silly!! I think CL might have to illustrate those guys on toilets with laptops and cellphones, “tweeting” to their OW twats. You just have to laugh!

      YMBAC if he takes your poor old dog and his cell phone on long walks, no matter what the weather!

  • YMBAC if your estranged stbx husband gets into a car accident but waits over two weeks to say anything about it…. even though he bitches and moans over a hang nail the rest of the time. You feel bad and then, come to find out, one of his sluts was with him… wonder what caused them to run off the road??

  • YMBAC if you find a pair of strange underpants in your drawer and put them on assuming they are an old pair you forgot about and that must have just stretched out since they are too large.

    • ^^ can SO relate! I was washing my delicates and after drying I saw 8 pairs instead of my weekly 7. Looked at them. UGH – cheapo lacy Walmart (no offense to WM people) but these were OLD and the lace was FRAYED. I don’t wear frayed anything under my clothes. I was disgusted to death that I had washed them but made it easier to take the rubber gloves, cut a nice hole in the vaginal area (choke) and added a nice embroidered red crab from our annual Seafood Festival here. He picked them up with the last of his clean ginch. Good riddance. And, yeah, they were 2 sizes bigger than me besides….3 EVEN!

  • Rumblekitty and RNE – regarding cell phone usage. I couldn’t agree more.

    Backstory: STBX and I own small business with 2 separate cell phone plans, each with 5+ phones. I’m responsible for administrative office stuff, including managing expenses and paying bills for these phones. STBX and my phones are on one plan – our kids are on the other. I discovered hundreds of texts and calls over months from STBX phone to a specific number, googled it, identified it belongs to a local female, concealed carry firearms instructor. (I have nothing against female gun handlers! I wish I were skilled in that area). He is a bigtime hunter/gaming/CCW licensed, etc…)

    So…

    YMBAC… if you ask your spouse “why are you making hour long, 2 hour long conversations at midnight?” He answers, “we talk about guns”.

    YMBAC….if you find pink camo keys in the laundry.

    YMBAC…if you confront spouse with affair, he looks like an 8 year old with his hand in the cookie jar. You tell him you know everything and want some answers. He replies, “Tell me what you know, and I will tell you if it is true”.

    YMBAC…when he changes password on his phone account (which includes my phone) but not my kids’ account. He tells kids he now has charge of the phones because “remember that time mom was late paying the bill and your phones didn’t work for a couple of days?” (yeah… after we invested everything into his sinking ship of a business, were broke, and were paying everyone but ourselves). Funny that his kids, who are smarter than he is, could see that if the case was true, he would have denied my access to both accounts!

    He’s off with his gun slingin’, camo-lovin’ target shootin’, animal huntin’ buddy – but only better! This one has a vagina!

  • Ooh ooh! I have more!

    YMBAC if you catch him looking at Craigslist Hookups and believe him when he says he can’t get off unless it’s “amateur porn”

    YMBAC if you find e-mails where he CONTACTS people from Craigslist Hookups and believe him when he says his ex-girlfriend “hacked” his e-mail account and was sending them out (along with recent pictures!)

    YMBAC if he hits you after you slap him (after finding out about the affair that was driving you crazy second-guessing your gut) and he says it was “self-defense” so calling the cops would get me in trouble as well.

    • Yep, YMBAC if you catch him looking at Craigslist sex ads and he says he was “just looking” and you believe him. And I got the “used for masturbation” excuse too.

      • Hmmm, years later, makes me wonder… I walked in on spouse with a frozen computer screen with naked girls, teenage or so. I asked him if there was anything I needed to know. His response, down,loaded free ware with a malware (or whatever it’s called). Never thought a out it until know. I wonder….

      • This must be more common than I thought. My husband joined sex dating sites – I found emails in his secret email account. He tried to tell me they auto generated when he opened the email account. I shot that down. So then he tried to say he did it for the pictures. You know, because there is NO free porn on the Internet. Only, he had a profile…….odd for someone just looking at pictures.

  • If your wife goes off on a trip to see “an old friend from college (female) who lives in Oregon” and then her credit card statement for that week shows charges in Las Vegas and you don’t even notice, YMBAC.

    • YMBAC if, even after you’ve found out about her affairs with 3 different men, you let her go to Vegas with her “Jazzercise friends” to show that you trust her again!

      • “Jazzercise”–there’s a new euphamism for cheating. Though it’d be an even funnier (and more off-color) euphamism if the second letter were changed.

  • YMBAC if: you find your husband’s secret email and send him a fake message pretending to be one of the skanks he’s contacting on Craigslist. You then decide to take the high road and just tell him he’s in big trouble. (As opposed to playing him and letting him make a fool out of himself.) He apologizes like crazy. Says he didn’t really chat with anyone or meet up with anyone. Lets you view his email account after he already deleted everything. (Thanks loser.) Then, a few hours later, you get a message in your fake email account. Turns out your WH wants the fake skank’s number. When confronted again, he claims that fighting with you makes him “lonely”. You don’t argue back because, frankly, you’re afraid you’ll kill him if you think about it too hard.

    • KT, sometimes killing them and going to jail would be worth it. That is how I thought about 3 years ago but not now. I have peace of mind now.

      • I can honestly say I had never felt rage like that before. Scary stuff. I’m glad you’re in a better place now.

        • Absolutely KT. I told my mother that I don’t know how you can go from loving someone with everything you are to hating that same person in a matter of hours. Hating to the point that you can honestly say that if he were to drop dead right now in front of you, it wouldn’t bother you in the least. As a matter of fact you would get excited about the life insurance you will inherit.

          • Boy I can relate to the loving someone with everything you are part. And the intense rage. Oddly enough I haven’t wished him dead yet. I just really really wish he’d take permanent damage to his man parts. I don’t know if the dead part is because I’m not to meh yet or if it’s cause I care about his three kids. Although at the moment he’s not trying to eff with my life. If that were happening I’d hope for a quick step off a curb for a meeting with a bus.

  • For some reason this thread have brought up so many emotions for me. it’s been a really rough week. Coming up on one year here since I threw his lily white ass out the door. My therapist said anniversaries will do that to you. I know in many ways my life will continue to get better as I move towards being able to truly let him go. We laugh here, we joke here, we tell our stories and commiserate with each other. This has been so healing for me in so many ways. And yet it infuriates me that there is even such a need for this. I so want to make a public spectacle out of him and yet I know that all that will do is invite trouble. Where the hell is the justice?
    How many times can I thank all of you, and especially CL!
    There will be better days…..Right?

    • Yes, there are. I’m ten years out, and while I’m still angry at the way I was treated, I have a wonderful man of character who loves me, flaws and all. He is patient and kind and considerate. I really thought all men were assholes until I met him. Chin up! Most importantly, do what makes you happy!

      • So Happy that you found a good one Lisa in Joisey……I am hoping for the same. I see assholes everywhere now, not just men. Experiencing something like this amplifies everything! I hear that gets better with time too. I still have days where I think I am in a dream, I will wake up and everything will be just the way I thought it was….Key….Thought it was. Man how the wool can be pulled over your eyes.

    • Happily –

      It does get better. My exH left about 5 1/2 years ago – but there was lots of drama,and it just got stirred up again lately, which is when I found this site.

      The first year was hell. I “celebrated” every month from Dday as “i’ve made it one month..two months..six months…” Now, I can’t even remember the date. It was August – the week our five year old started kindergarten. But I don’t remember the date anymore. So, YES, it will get better. And I laugh all the time now. And I truly think he’s pathetic. You can do this – big hugs…

    • Happilyeverafter1959 I am almost one year out from kicking him out. This thread has had me crying with laughter though. I think one of the most important things Chump Lady encourages us to do is to point at the disordered and laugh. I am finding myself laughing one minute then crying the next. What’s important though is the laughing. Ridiculing them takes away some of their power over us. It still hurts but every day I am closer to not giving a shit. Point & laugh Happily, point & laugh. It will get better for us.

      • Well done Alice. Well done.
        If you don’t mind I’m saving your post as it’ sooo rings true for me.

        Cheers bellzero

  • YMBAC if: Your X uses marriage counseling as a front for her affair and then asks you “Why didn’t you want more time?” right after your world just got crushed into a billion pieces.

    • The entitlement is the part that never fails to take my breath away. They think they’re so amazing that anybody would do anything to be with their amazingness. By that logic, who wouldn’t want want more time? After all, CW, she might have picked you…

      Blech

  • YMBAC if after your husband picks you up at the airport (after more than a month apart), some woman and her friends are knocking on your bedroom window. My husband was so angry at them, but I just thought they had bad manners!! I can’t believe I only saw the light on that one after filing for divorce! That was after many Ddays with another OW… and I’m supposed to be smart…

  • YMBAC if you’re worried that his female relatives seem to do all the cooking.
    YMBAC if you hop to every time he mentions a mess in the house.
    YMBAC if you put the whole down payment down for the house.
    YMBAC if you don’t ask him how he got those scratches on his back.
    YMBAC if you give him library books on porn addiction and he can’t find them when due.
    YMBAC if you believe him saying he doesn’t know how those images got on his computer.
    YMBAC if you let him Facebook friend his old girlfriend and then he doesn’t want to sleep with you for months but you don’t make the connection because you believe the person you married would be honest about anything developing that would come between you.

    • “YMBAC if you don’t ask him how he got those scratches on his back.”

      Yes….I’m having flashbacks.

      • Yes I ignored those too…except for the once because they were fresh.

        He said he walked into some poison ivy and was itchy (he supervised techs who work outside). I let it go.

        • Mine had scratch marks too. When I asked him what they were he said he must have been bitten by something (insert slut joke here). Later when the affair was discovered I asked him to confirm that it was OW who was responsible for the back scratches. He responded angrily with “She always scratched me with her nails. I don’t know why, it was really annoying”. I was speechless.

  • Thanks for reminding me of something, Miss Sunshine! There is soooo much chumpy behavior that I’ve blocked out!

    YMBAC if you buy your own Christmas presents and stocking stuffers during the year so that you feel like you got something, too!

    YMBAC if you get an unusually nice anniversary gift…a gold necklace! Then later find 3 DIFFERENT receipts for gold necklaces when you know you only got one. Huh?

    YMBAC if you allow your husband to raid your inheritance to buy a machine gun a couple months after you have a baby (and a couple of months after you find out about the first affair.)

    YMBAC if you do the Marriage Builders exposure, then issue retraction letters because your cheater has you convinced OW’s daddy is dying due to said exposure. (Never mind that my parents are both dead, but Skanky’s and Sir-Skankalot’s parents are all still very much alive.)

    YMBAC if, a couple of years after the first affair, you help your then-husband with a health condition that involves you cleaning his rear end (see pilonidal cyst…sorry if TMI!)

    YMBAC if you actually believe your husband’s epiphany after the first affair…He has an accident and his lost wedding ring magicallyappears on the passenger seat!

    YMBAC if you actually believe your husband’s epiphany after the second affair…He is driving while on travel (near one of their affair spots) and is ALMOST STRUCK BY LIGHTENING! (Supposedly, he saw the strike right by him when driving beside the bay and saw the water spray up. I wonder how much of this stuff he makes up?)

    • YMBAC if you discover that the person responding to your text messages to
      your husband is actually the OW.

        • When you discover that the person sending your email messages in OFW, despite denying involvement with the OW, is in fact the OW. Guys don’t use multiple question marks for emphasis….

      • Yep, about a year after Mom died, I was having my ex’s baby. Meanwhile, he was both cheating (first affair) and spending Mom’s money on a machine gun (I forget how many thousands of dollars). I forgave and 13 years later he cheated again…same woman! Might I be a chump?

  • YMBAC if…

    You believe it when your husband stops wearing his wedding ring and tells you it’s because he doesn’t want to get it dirty.

    You say nothing when your husband explains his married coworker picked out your Christmas gift.

    You believe your husband when he tells you the “I want to lay you down in a bed of roses” ringtone is arbitrarily assigned by his phone to his married coworker.

    You thank your husband for not leaving you when the kids were younger.

    You believe your husband when he says his married coworker’s kids call everyone Uncle.

    You drive your kids all over the country for their soccer tournaments while your husband drives his married coworker all over the country to her horse shows.

    You believe his explanation that the love note you found in his pocket is from a student who had a crush on him.

    You say nothing when a new acquaintance says they met you once while you were jogging with your husband on lunch break when you have never jogged in your life.

  • YMBAC if you are pregnant and when he tells you he needs to spend the day with his ho worker because she just had a D&C, you think what a wonderful sensitive man you have married.

  • YMBAC if your husband gives you a pair of shredding scissors for Christmas… And leaves you the next day for the OW.

  • YMBAC…

    if your husband says you never had anything in common but the kids, and you blurt out “We both like Mexican food.”

  • YMBAC when you take it as a positive sign when on D-day, you ask the big question, “do you love me?” and the answer it, “I do love you. I really, really like her too though”. You know, cuz “love” trumps “really, really like” in chump-world.

    • Ugh, I got “I love you, but I also like her and how exciting she is.” which later changed to “I’m just f*cking her, not dating her – I don’t date crazy!” and then an e-mail from the OW declaring they’re in “love” *eyeroll*

      Definitely the best day of my life when I decided to really hunker down and go NC! My ex couldn’t keep his stories straight to save his life!

  • YMBAC if you find a bunch of herbal “stimulation” pills in his pocket. And he tells you he takes them for energy at work and you don’t shank him on the spot.

  • YMBAC…

    if you go to a lot of trouble to leave a “last valentine’s day gift” for your husband and he responds by e-mailing you a proposal of how your assets should be split.

    your husband’s married coworker delivers his dry cleaning on her way home and you want to slap it out of your hands but you don’t.

    your husband leaves you at home with pneumonia to go dance at a ball with his married coworker because her husband can’t dance.

  • OOPS — your husband’s married coworker delivers his dry cleaning on her way home and you want to slap it out of HER hands but you don’t.

  • YMBAC…

    if you call off the wedding when your fiancé announces he might have seen someone he likes better, but you take him back when he begs you to.

  • YMBAC when he says “you’d like her” and you still consider giving him time to sort it out and choose between you and her
    YMBAC of a narcissist when he gives a beautiful necklace for 10th anniversary but has to make sure everyone else sees it

  • YMBAC…

    if your friend jokes to your husband that he’d better not run off with another woman after buying his new Corvette, but he doesn’t laugh.

  • YMBAC…

    if every year at Christmas your husband searches frantically for a tobacco stick snowman than one of his “grad students” made him, and find this odd because he’s not sentimental.

    you give your husband quiet time to make notes in the journal he’s keeping for the book he plans to write, but you find it later and discover he’s actually writing about how much he hates being married to you.

    • “You give your husband quiet time to make notes in the journal he’s keeping for the book he plans to write, but you find it later and discover he’s actually writing about how much he hates being married to you.”

      Oh! Oh! I did this for my ex-wife. Except it was an online blog written under a pseudonym. She led me to believe it was kind of a modern-day journal of life as a mom in the burbs, a hipper Erma Bombeck thing, or Sex in the City but with kids in a subdivision. Turns out it was raunchy and voyeuristic and filled with hateful false statements about me and how horrible it was to be married to me and ACTUAL PICTURES OF OUR KIDS. Found this out after D-day. Also found out she’d even been interviewed about it in the late 1990s by a leading newspaper in England and never told me.

      These people are scary and sick!

      • My husband went through a kick where he was doing a video diary of himself. (This was when he was out of a job and should have been looking for something else, mind you. Turns out he lost it because he was never where he was supposed to be. Too busy sexting from the men’s room, but I digress.) He quit the video diary after a couple months. Why? He told me he decided to re-watch some of the entries and realized that he really didn’t like himself.

        I’m not perfect, so I decided to check these diaries out for myself. I had to quit after one. He was at the park with our two year old daughter. Someone had left a cup from a fastfood joint out on the park bench. He paused his self absorbed reflections long enough to say that she had just taken a drink out of the cup. His reaction, “Oh wow. Now she’s probably going to get AIDS and that’ll be my fault too”. Flat line except for the self pity. No emotion or real worry. I couldn’t watch the others.

        Sorry you went through this in such a public way nomar.

        • Yeah, plus I think there’s a connection between the narcissism that allows cheaters to cheat and the belief they have that their lives are SOOOO interesting and SO imporant and wouldn’t everyone want to know their every thought? And if their lives aren’t really all that interesting, they might just make some shit up. Total escapist delusional mental masturbation.

      • there should be a line on the cheater “poets” and “writers”…here is one from mine:

        YMBAC…if you find 16 pages of erotic poems he wrote and assumed they were for OW#2, and he answers that they were “very old” which leads you to have another DDay and discover that OW#2 was really #3 (or 4, 5, 6?)

        and this one is borrowed from a friend:

        YMBAC…if by accident, you discover love letters on your husband´s computer addressed to a female with a fancy French name that discuss you and your newborn, and you accept your husband´s explanation “they are letters for a novel I am writing in which you are one of the characters!”

        • Ah, the memories…
          YMBAC if after discovering your cheater’s reviews of his hot, hot sex with various prostitutes on The Erotic Review whose posted dates coincide with when you are working second shift or he was out-of-state on “business,” you believe him when he tells you he makes it up. He claims it is just something to do when he is bored at work. After all he is a germa-phobe… he couldn’t possibly do that with a whore!
          Later you contact the webmaster to clarify how you qualify to get on the site and make said reviews – active participation with the prostitute/escort. The ho’s have individual code numbers and everything!
          Oh, and I also learned that a “hobbyist” isn’t some guy who builds model airplanes in his basement….

  • YMBAC if your H’s airline miles disappear flying OW with him on business trips and you believe that he donated them to charity.