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Dear Chump Lady, The OW is cyberstalking me

Dear Chump Lady,

Help!!! In a few days I’m scheduled to go to court to start divorce proceedings. Lately I’ve been receiving dating site subscriptions, job site subscriptions and the latest one a profile sent to my email using OW’s personal data with my old Facebook photo? I’m forwarding this garbage to my attorney but my question for you — “Is this type of OW stalking normal?” I did a background check on this person and there is a history of mental illness. It really pisses me off that he can screw this random vagina but I’m left with the consequences. Any advice?

Pissed off and waiting for this to be over!


Dear Jinx,

No stalking is normal. It’s what untethered, controlling people do. Most of us are probably guilty of some cyberstalking of our exes or the affair partners, especially in those early un-meh days. It’s morbid curiosity, it’s trying to convince ourselves that yes, these people truly suck, or that karma has bit them in the ass. Or it’s self torture — oh look! They really are more fabulous than me! (At least on Facebook anyway). Hopefully this is a behavior chumps grow out of, because it just sets you back. You don’t control them or their narrative, this person isn’t part of your life, and best to move forward.

This urge to check up on, compare, self-torture, and hope for karma isn’t confined to chumps alone. Affair partners, especially ones deep in the humiliating dance of “pick me,” also cyberstalk. Cheaters mindfuck them too, you know. You’re the Great Obstacle to Their Happiness. Your ex has most likely demonized you to the affair partner. Part of the deliciousness of their triangle is how horrible you are, how you’ve made their schmoopie suffer, and how you thwart their true love. Most affair partners are going to go with that narrative of course, because you sucking is what makes what they’re doing Not So Bad. Really you deserve it. So maybe they’ll pull up your Facebook page and make fun of your haircut. It gives them that frisson of delight — “I’m the one he REALLY loves!”

But I would guess for other affair partners, they check up on you because they feel off balance. They don’t really trust the cheater either. They’re searching for clues — exactly how committed you appear to the world. Could it be that… he’s lying to the OW? No! Better check again. Maybe this is all part of your evil scheme.

Jinx, you don’t seem to be dealing with your average affair partner. You drew from the pile of flaming crazy. It’s one thing to cyberstalk. It’s quite another to cross the line into punishment by harassment. This is the bunny boiler line. These people, IMO, are mentally ill.

Look, to knowingly be an OW, you have to major issues. These people aren’t the most secure, well-balanced folks to begin with. But if you take someone who is bipolar or borderline and you fuck with THEIR heads (as cheaters do)? Now, you’re playing with fire. And as you point out, who suffers from that crazy? You do. (Hopefully, in time your ex will suffer too, but right now you’re the enemy, not him.)

Jinx, I had a very similar thing happen to me with the long-term OW in my story, a bipolar alcoholic. She signed me up for dating sites, writing insulting tag lines, but in super creeptacular fashion, using personal details she wanted me to know she had — where I lived, my birthday, where I went to school, etc. I got signed up for magazine subscriptions, political campaign subscriptions (for the party I don’t vote for), junk mail, religious brochures, etc. It was adolescent and angry — and the message was clear — “I will NEVER stop fucking with you until you LEAVE.”

I suggest you do what I did, have your attorney send her a warning letter — send copies to her home, her workplace, and cc local law enforcement. Explain in the letter that this is the first step before formal harassment charges are filed. Do exactly what you’re doing — document the harassment and forward it to your lawyer or the police. If she trespasses, if she does drive-bys — call the cops immediately.

Do NOT try to get your soon-to-be-ex husband to curb his dog. Appealing to him to reason with the OW, or call her off, just gives him kibbles. He is LOVING the pick me dance she’s doing. So don’t reward him. Besides, he can’t control crazy either, he just loves provoking it.

You’re divorcing him. She’s getting exactly what she wants — you out of the picture. Hopefully, she’ll back off when she realizes the divorce is going through. (I never heard from the OW again after I divorced my cheater.) Stay no contact with the both of them, and enforce your boundaries by law if you must. Unsubscribe from the online sites, report the profiles to their fraud units, report them to your internet service provider as well. And while you’re cleaning up this mess, remember — you’re not the hypotenuse to their fucked-up love triangle any more. All her crazy is HIS crazy soon. And all his crazy is HER crazy. There is no more fitting punishment than letting the wing nuts have each other.

Stay the course, enforce those boundaries, and get free of them both.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Awesome advice on how to demonstrate and enforce boundaries in an unusual situation, IMO.

    I agree on all major points here and especially on the “Do not engage OW or STBX directly on this issue”. A lawyer sending a cease and desist letter and copying local law enforcement is about as clear a way to state a real boundary and indicate that her actions are and will be part of a legal record. The only thing freaks respect are forces that bigger than their intended victims, and that’s where the ‘Legal System’ and an attorney are very handy.

    Hopefully, that’s all it takes, and if it persists or escalates (I doubt it), your attorney will likely recommend filing for restraining orders and such. At some point, if you aren’t engaging her or your husband directly, even unhinged psychopaths figure out that they are going to get legally whacked if and only if they try to establish contact with you, and that your plan is to get as far away from them as is possible anyway, so it’s just stupid.

    • Well-stated. As much as any of us chumps would like to give the affair partners “a piece of our mind”, it really isn’t practical to do so. As CL has said many times, our marriages were turned into a game that was rigged so that we had zero chance of preventing the outcome. Protecting yourself is the only thing you can do, and lean on that lawyer if you have to.

      • “our marriages were turned into a game that was rigged so that we had zero chance of preventing the outcome”

        So true, CW.

  • Yes indeed. Nip this in the bud now!

    There is a big difference between “cyber snooping” mostly into you and your cheater’s mutual business to find out what you need to know in order to make informed decisions, and in “cyber stalking” which is a form of criminal harassment.

    • I agree there’s a difference between snooping and stalking. I probably should’ve been more clear. Chumps, however, do cyberSTALK — they get utterly obsessive about what their cheater and the AP are up to, even after the break up. They do drive-bys, they get kind of compulsive on checking up, they hack into accounts. Snooping out of morbid curiosity, or to get info for a divorce — okay. But if it goes on, crosses legal lines, and keeps a person stuck, I don’t think it’s healthy (or probably legal).

      “Stalking” has been a bit watered down in our every day usage, especially around social media. But you’re right — legally, stalking is a crime.

      • CL,

        I am guilty of low-level cyberstalking – finding out all I could about the affair partner, to the point where I learned that one of the XW’s friends was friends with him online, scouting him out, I guess. Nice to finally know what these people (some of whom I considered friends) really thought of me. Actually made it much easier to become emotionally detached from the XW. Of course, the XW had already used that as justification to leave me, but now she gets to actually see what emotional detachment looks like, for what it’s worth.

        And no, I’ve done no such stalking since, I had seen enough.

  • Jinx, it sounds like you started on the right path for dealing with her, and I’m glad CL continued on that.

    I’m sorry that you have to deal with that bullshit. So many idiots, not enough villages.

  • Jinx, please read the book “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. The author has a lot of good information about dealing with nutjobs like this.

    • I’ll third the recommendation. Read it when my kids were babies, in the context of keeping them safe, and think it’s time to re-read it in the context of being a chump and keeping ME safe.

      In the book, Gavin de Becker describes his childhood background, which was a lot like mine. I still remember one awesome line: “Children are the residents of their homes, not the architects.” That one simple sentence really spoke to me and made me feel free in a way that years of talk therapy had failed to. I’d love to reconfigure it so it reflects the experience of being chumped.

  • The OW is a damaged person, who has made you the enemy. I’m sure the asshole you’re divorcing told her a line of bullshit, but ask yourself, do mentally stable people knowingly become involved with married people? Add that to the fact that affairs create instability, even for the OW. It’s a dangerous combination.

    What worries me about your situation is that she knows you are divorcing and the harassment is escalating. She has seemingly “won” and she yet is continuing to harass you. Not a good sign and one you need to take very seriously. Have your lawyer research whether her actions constitute criminal cyber-stalking in your state and, if so, call the police.

    Sometimes it does get better, but I can tell you from very personal experience that you have to put up some very strong fences (both literal and figurative) to keep this nutcase out. There is no reasoning with crazy; disturbed people love conflict. It makes them feel important.

    First, do not engage this person for any reason. Second, block her on everything and create a new e-mail account. Use the old one to continue receiving the crazy shit she is sending your way. Finally, assess your physical surroundings to make sure you have done everything possible to ensure your safety. In my opinion, a dog is a great companion and one of the best ways to protect yourself. I do not personally carry a gun, but one of my sons does, and he has told the OW he will use it if she enters my property. She is very afraid of him and stays away from my home. In fact, my (adult) children have been very pro-active in basically scaring the shit out of the OW.

    Sadly, years later, after being unceremoniously dumped by lying, cheating bastard, she still tries to engage, showing up where she knows I will be. Does it freak me out? Yes, especially because the pick me dance is long over. Do I let her know? Absolutely not, because I do not want to give her that kind of power over me. I let other people run interference for me, but do worry about what she might do if she could.

    It has begun to get better. I have not seen or heard from her for five months and am hopeful she has finally moved on. But I know disturbed people are unpredictable and never let down my guard.

    • I have started to shore up my physical surroundings and my dad had been encouraging me to get a gun. I don’t know their status, but whatever bull he’s giving her, she is lashing out at me and more frequently. When I did a background check on her, in addition to the mental issues there were lots of bankruptcy discharges(?) as well. He would never admit it, but I’m sure they did drive bys by my home as well during their tryst before he moved out of state.

      He pissed on his family, brought her into my neighborhood, and now I have to deal with his mess. One more reason to end it. NO consideration about the safety or well fare of others not involved at all!

      • Make sure your support system knows all identifying information about her; where she lives, works, make of car, known associates, etc. The OW in my situation would park near my office and I didn’t know until a sharp eyed neighbor spotted her. The people who love me were amazing and basically, formed a human shield between me and Crazy Bitch (as she was so aptly named by my friends)!

  • Thanks Guys,
    I do have a Face Book account which is set to private. Most of my family and friends are scattered and the only ones who have access are really close to me. It pains me to have to consider deactivating it. You are right CL I do feel she is a bunny boiler. Hopefully this divorce will go quickly as the next three months have significant holidays for her.

    He is jerk and was using her but no longer lives in the area. I don’t know or care about their status but since I’m still here….my closeness is convenient. Just more fallout from his behavior, leaving me to pick up the pieces.

    • You can block both your stbx and the OW on Facebook, no reason to deactivate it. It was one of the first things I did when I started divorce proceedings.

      Check with your lawyer on trespassing laws too. Just putting up a “no trespassing” sign is inadequate some places, the cops will come, but not arrest. In my state you have to send them a letter that they sign for (certified mail) advising them they are not allowed on your property. I did this with my ex when I was afraid the judge might not renew my PO, thankfully she did. My ex complained to the judge about my letter, I swear she rolled her eyes at that.

      When I was working on the divorce and my ex was refusing to move out of the house, he still told his OW that I wouldn’t divorce him and they had to sneak around. The whole time I was telling him I could care less. Cheaters lie as much to their AP as they do to their spouse, count on it. So this woman has mental health issues and he mindfucked her just as he did to you. Do be careful.

    • Change your profile picture and background picture to something impersonal, however. She could create a fake account and see your profile/background pic. Be very careful what you post on ANY social media–Pinterest, forum boards, etc. by your actual name. Don’t speak to her–she will get off on the sound of your voice and the words you choose.

  • Yeah I’ve got a OW wing nut. I know it’s not fashionable to blame the OW, but this bitch targeted me, my family and my money within the first two weeks of moving into the park front dream home I waited 23 years for. Trashy barfly was married with three kids. History of sleeping with three other married men before finding the perfect sucker. The rest got what they wanted and kicked her to the curb. According to her now ex, she had to leave a city because one wife was threatening her physically after she slept with her hubs. All AP had owned successful businesses. Anyway, so my crazy gal gets my business and my children thanks to the fact that I was a stay at home mom for 9 years and couldn’t get a loan to buy out my share. She stalks me, but none of it is actionable. Like my ex, she’s good at staying just under the radar. She started going to my hair salon, so I stopped, she takes my little daughter out in public without ex, she text msg me using ex phone. It’s extremely obvious that its not him but impossible to prove. I have also had my email spammed. She’s the new stay at home mom to my kids, I have to retrain for employment and with barely see them. In my heart I’ve said my goodbyes. My kids like her and are so young they will see her more and identify with her more. No light, no rainbows, no freedom post divorce, just soul crushing reality.

    • I have really, really bad moments too. In fact, when my baby wakes up from nap we are going over to the police station to report more of my X’s vague but violent threats. You just have to keep going. And, CL said somewhere but it is true- love between mothers and children is primal. Nothing matches that. I have a horrible financial situation also as I too was a stay-at-home-mom. But there are lots of programs. I’ve been calling all my financial institutions and telling them my situation. Most of them immediately offer me some kind of assistance and limited repayment options. They are just happy I’m calling them and not letting the debt rot! Chumpnation is here for you, and you do have the power to reinvent yourself. Can’t you see she’s so desperate to be you? Take heart in that. You don’t have to be desperate to be you, you ARE you. (Lucky you! 🙂 Don’t give up on your children. If you don’t give up on them, eventually the rest will work out.

    • Keep going, your kids will never forget you and will remember all that you are doing for them. My stbx would make off handed slights about me but even as kids they which parent was there for them. My niece was raised by her step mom but now that she is able to choose visitation it’s always mom.

    • Sounds heartbreaking and horribly unfair.

      I wonder if once you’re on your feet financially, you may be able to go back to court to get custody or more time with your kids. Also does your state have any laws about the richer parent helping the poorer one so they can be with the kids?

      As for the crazy lady, I don’t think she’s going to suddenly become a good wife. Your husband will eventually tire of her.

      I’d be more concerned for your kids, though. CL, is there any way to keep an eye on the situation and get the kids away from a nut job who is now their primary caregiver?

      Too bad judges can’t take this kind of thing into account in a divorce.

      • I don’t know the answers, Diana L. Those are legal questions for WaW’s lawyer. Unclear if he has custody or it’s 50/50 and OW isn’t working so she sees the kids more?

        It does seem terribly unjust.

    • WaW, I look back on the twenty eight years I spent with ex as a waste too but not all that time was spent with him:). I spent those same years with my children and living my life the best way I knew how. There was nothing I could do about ex’s poor choices. Or poor character. I only control MINE. Please know others care. It matters to your children that “you will always be there”. You will ALWAYS be their Mom. Your job now is to take care of yourself and your children and if moving away helps you to provide a better life, do it. You are likely traumatized from the whole experience but you need to do things to set up your better life. I don’t believe for one second your ex and his OW are living the life. My ex destroyed me financially and for two years controlled a narrative of who I was. I was so scared of what he might do that I moved away from my beloved small town. It’s been a journey but as scary as it is to start over I recognize now that my life is better. I do miss my beautiful house.

    • WaW, your story made me cry. I want to say positive words that will lift you up and make your situation seem less sucky, but all I can do is validate your pain. THIS FUCKING SUCKS. And no, it’s not fair, and the thought of your kids spending time with a woman like that is as wrong as the day is long. But you are in job training now, right? And if you had part of a successful business before, you can rebuild in the future. Best of all, when you do, it won’t be subject to the vagaries of anybody else’s ego trip or Bobble Head–it will be yours alone, for you and for your kids. I know you do feel that your children are getting suckered, or that they will forget you, but kids are not dummies. Who called crap in the Emperor’s New Clothes? A child. Sending you as many chump hugs as I can. Stay strong. You are worth it, and your kids are worth it.

    • WaW that’s an awful story. I’m so sorry. Does your ex have custody? I take it your kids aren’t school age yet?

  • No your kids won’t! Damaged people aren’t just damaged part of the time and cannot maintain their facade long. Eventually, she will show her true self to all. Do not give up on a better life. Time does NOT heal all wounds, but you must do everything in your power to make a wonderful future for yourself and your children. And as trite as it sounds, Shakespeare was right. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

  • Please heed CL’s advice and get that warning letter sent this week! Change locks and if you can afford it, get LifeLock. Let her know she is messing with a woman of steel.

  • I realize there’s a scary aspect to this, but if this were happening to me, it would make me feel a little bit good too. There’s lots of glass-half-full about this scenario. OW is NOT happy. OW is NOT normal. OW is NOT fabulous with a no-cellulite ass and tons of money, ponies and a beach house. She’s clearly a miserable person and instead of working out to maintain her perfect ass and riding her ponies on the beach she’s obsessing about you. haha. She deserves it.

    I also agree 100% with something CL said. The affair partner is almost never ok in the head. I think, very very occasionally two people are just meant to be and an affair starts that lasts a lifetime, but these people are very sorry towards their respective partners, give them generous financial settlements, and go away quickly without humiliation and threats. 99% of the time the OW is accepting a shit situation because they don’t think they deserve better. In my 20s I dated a man who was separated from his wife and I even found that really difficult. I didn’t become obsessed with his wife like this, but I did worry he was having breakup sex with her or something whenever he went to see his kids. He was legitimately separated and not cheating on her, but even that was a situation where I deserved better and got out after just a few months of dating. For an OW to stalk a man through the years and be ready with open legs and open arms whenever he throws her a millisecond of consideration- that’s self-hate. They hate themselves I think.

    • Anyone knowingly fucks someone married and then conspires to break up the marriage and family is far from okay in the head.

      • So. TRUE. My ex’s nut posted her photo on his online profile. Lol. Letting their whole little world know exactly who he was doing. I wish them both the best because their kind of CRAZY needs it.

      • This exactly. I found out about this exact situation via the married, no kids OW. The things she still does as subterfuge TODAY are weird and creepy. Now Asshat is admitting today she’s wickedly unstable.

        He’s the one that’s frightened because of her unpredictable behavior and its impact on his professional and personal image. Not.My.Problem :). This is true love narcissist-style.

        • Haha, true love, narcissist-style. As my therapist said in IC one day, “I hope they end up together, they deserve each other,”

      • Agreed. I know a woman who complains bitterly about how her church leader father screwed around on her mom, and cut off contact with her dad because of it. Yet this same woman has intentionally entered into TWO long-term relationships with married men. Apparently she doesn’t see the disconnect?

  • The OW in my situation is a bunny boiler, but I stepped right into the role of bat-shit crazy wife for her. When I found out about their affair, I contacted her and left her a message on her voicemail. I started off nice, but then realized quickly that I wasn’t going to beg her for the chance to work on my marriage – ending the call with “keep the fuck off of my husband – you don’t need a problem like me”. Anyway, that was the ONLY time I contacted her, but it was enough. I provided validation to her.

    Fast forward 3 months later, and XBILs wife snaps a photo of OW and now XH on Thanksgiving at XMILS house (less than 3 weeks after divorce final, less than 5 months since BD) texts it to me saying that OW is ugly (I was mad at XSIL for sending the picture of them to me as I had previously told her I didn’t want a play-by-play of their affair). Since XH had always denied affair, I sent him the photo and said “No, you weren’t cheating!”. Anyway, I said derogatory things about both of them in a series of text messages to HIM. The following Monday, OW files an Injunction Against Harassment against me. Claiming I contacted her on her email (it never happened) and also that I called XMILS leaving messages of physical violence against OW (again, this never happened). I lost my 2nd Amendment rights for a year (I don’t have a gun, but it makes me mad that I lost a right without due process).

    I had allowed myself to be the hypotenuse in their triangle. Now, when I have a criminal background check for a job, this will always show up.

    • I am so sorry. It seems as though the entire family was in on it. Thanks for sharing, when this is over my goal is no more drama from that end. He can be with whomever he wants, just leave me alone.

    • Cindy, what a horrible story… you get to Serve As a Warning to Others. So thanks for sharing this. Reacting to the wing nuts just isn’t worth it. They’re much better at gaming this shit. Which I why I recommend having a lawyer send a cease and desist letter. Make it nice and professional and documented.

    • that’s why you get your s*** together, and never call the other woman!

    • Cindy – you can’t have your record expunged since it was a one-time offense? I’d look into it..

      • Thanks Red. I spoke to my divorce atty. She told me I could not safely fight this (she’s a judge pro tem). She said if I wanted to fight it, to hire (I shit you not) a criminal attorney that has gotten people cleared on capital cases. She said that if I fought the orders and lost, that I would have a CRIMINAL charge – albeit a misdemeanor on my record. I’ve never even had so much as a speeding ticket!

        He and OW do the cheating and I get to pay for their sin. It’s so unbelievable after 18 years together. 🙁

    • To CL & all,
      I think I may have found the male version of CL !
      The good thing is … he is a lawyer, with a great , funny , informative blog.
      I think he could be a great addition to comment here & could be helpful.
      He writes like CL.

  • Also, I should add, 11 days after she filed her Injunction, XH filed an Order of Protection against me. I have never been served, but I can see that the documents exist through the county courthouse website. I wonder what I’m alleged to have done on that one.

    • This happened to me:

      Charge dismissed but only after probation, during the first months ex used this to further control me, refused to divorce, promised he would live with me “forever”. Hit himself in the face in an attempt to get me arrested again. Yeah, I was as afraid of the police as I was of ex, I was well and truly fucked over by the legal system and a abusive manipulative asshole. When he pulled a gun, even then he talked cops into believing I lied about it for revenge. He did get a DUI on what I call “day of the gun”, so I went crazy and managed to get a PO, get him committed for observation. To get the extended PO I had to spend exceptional resources.

      A year and a half later when I was working on renewing the PO, I found his OW had taken out a permanent PO on him because he attacked her. He’s so good at this shit that even though the OW had a witness, once again, he was not arrested – in a state that has mandatory arrest laws. Most ppl think seeing my ex contemplate shooting me with a finger on the trigger was the worst thing. It was not, lying to the cops and getting me thrown in jail was the worst thing, and it led to the day of the gun. Lastly, the OW requested her PO be rescinded 4 days before I went to court and moved the ex backin with her. The ex mindfucked her too, I have no sympathy left for her, I’m just glad hehas someone else to focus on, may she stand and take until the day he dies.

      • GREAT warning! For months, as I danced the Pick-Me Polka, I, insane with heartbreak and fear, sent xH loads of insulting texts. In my mind, one of these would dislodge whatever had stuck in his brain, causing him to act so out of character (*snort!*)
        My mother warned me–BEGGED me–to STOP doing this! She rationally pointed out that this could/would be used against me legally, could be used to show that I was not of sound mind or judgement, but I persisted until I realized, finally, that I was hurting myself only, providing the hypotenuse. I’m sure the Coward and the Twat Troll had a few good laughs at my expense.

        Don’t contact the ex, nor the AP. It’s just not worth it. It only makes you MORE insane and sad, and it is very risky legally. Besides, nothing you say could hurt them or make them see their own folly. Best thing is NC, or, if you have to, use the attorney to send C&D warnings.

        Great advice, Tracy and the Chumps!

      • Very informative article, Datdamwuf, I think for a lot of us here we were so blindsided by our exes’ revelations that we failed at first to see all the other things in our lives that were systematically being destroyed. Like finances. I believe in the two years it took my divorce to go through that I was not safe and looking back to my ex I was just someone to destroy. Cheaters have issues far beyond hopping into bed with someone. My ex’s behavior was scary. He was a peace officer in a small town and get this! tried to serve me our own divorce papers. Not legal. I was really freaked out because most homicides occur in exactly these kinds of situations and my ex’s behavior had been growing more and more hostile. So you can guess my response was to flip out and tell him to deliver them legally. My ex was maneuvering our family’s finances and lives for at least two years BEFORE Dday (in fact if I check the date on the refinance odds are it will be very close to the dated HIV test I discovered). It is just as much a part of their disorder as sneaking into others beds is. I thought I knew this person but I finally had to make local law enforcement aware of his threats after he vandalized our house. When I shared info with my lawyer she did not believe me. It’s amazing the lengths these wingnuts will go through to get what they want. Just be careful.

        • I’m so sorry, it is the worst when you realize that not only does the person not love you, they would kill you if they could get away with it. It’s scary and horrible.

  • Sounds like your STBX has dumped her and is trying to blame you in some way.

    • Yup. Cindy, what Diana says is exactly what happened to me. Document everything.

  • Lots of cautionary tales here. Definitely don’t engage either one your STBX or the OW. Let them talk into the wind.

  • “Let them talk into the wind.” Great line LUD!

    Interesting these tales, especially because as I look back while my ex was so “charming” and never did anything “threatening,” as soon as D-Day hit I was scared of him in a way I could have never imagined and could not quite put a finger on. We often only then realize what they are capable of, and I knew suddenly there was a monster lurking beneath the smooth and sparkly exterior. I found he would mirror back to me however I acted, so I instinctively began to pretend to play “nice” as much as I could to negotiate the Property Settlement Agreement. Since the divorce decree, I am NC except as necessary for finances (after a couple dinners he and our children do not communicate at all). He was and has continued to be supremely disinterested in his ex-family, which after reading some of these stories makes me feel lucky.

    • Oh and yes, my “loving” and “adoring” husband had similarly decimated our finances before D-Day, draining accounts, stealing the college funds, racking up debt which I paid off, etc. Also, he started a campaign of trying to insinuate I had “mental problems,” to some he suggested I had cancer, etc. What a weirdo.

    • ” my ex was so “charming” and never did anything “threatening,” as soon as D-Day hit I was scared of him in a way I could have never imagined and could not quite put a finger on. We often only then realize what they are capable of, and I knew suddenly there was a monster lurking beneath the smooth and sparkly exterior. ”

      Kelly, this is exactly my experience as well. My ex is the most sparkly, “wonderful”, kind, caring and generous guy you could imagine. Until he isn’t. Until you find out what lies under that sparkly exterior. Then you understand that he is capable of anything and is profoundly disordered. I am quite frightened of my ex, and just the thought of talking to him or seeing him makes me feel sick and horribly anxious. That is because he is a MONSTER, and it is normal and healthy to be scared of real monsters.

      I’d like to lock both our exes in a small box, and toss them over the side of a ship into the deepest ocean.

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