My wife and I started trying to get pregnant after being together for several years. Approximately two months into trying, she started an affair with a co-worker as a way to avoid this life change.
One month later, after gathering the facts, I approached her about ending the affair and working on our marriage. Although she denied the affair, she was high on the affair-related dopamine, so her response was to repeatedly ask for a “temporarily open marriage” to justify her actions. I refused and laughed at myself for being so gullible. Word to the wise: If your spouse asks for an open marriage, then you already have one. You just didn’t know it.
One month later, we started marriage counseling, but she refused to end affair while we went to counseling, plus did all the classic affair tactics: gaslighting, trickle truth, blame the victim, etc.
There’s no point working on a marriage while an affair is ongoing. So, I left her, moved out, and told her that I’ll research next steps.
She got scared and insisted affair was over. One month later, I moved back in.
We attended counseling weekly, and wife kept insisting that an open marriage would fix her issues. Our marriage counselor (who I think should lose her marriage license certification), supported the idea of an open marriage. This counselor also kept insisting that I needed to “move on” from the affair, given it was “in the past.”
Six weeks later, I confirmed that the affair was still ongoing. I left wife and filed for divorce.
Six months later, paperwork is all filed, and we’re just waiting on the court to finalize the documents.
So, since the day I filed for divorce, my ex-wife has asked for another chance once every month or two. She continues to insist that I gave up too quickly, and that marriages have hard times that people have to work through. I have repeatedly told her marriages have hard times, but infidelity is not a problem in a marriage — it’s a symptom of one person not being able to deal with his/her personal unhappiness in a constructive manner; and it is a daily choice that she made, even when I gave her numerous chances to make a different one.
Moreover, it’s clear that I want children and she doesn’t. Life only gets more demanding; not less demanding. If I do have the opportunity again to have children someday, I need a mature partner in that effort. My ex-wife has proven she’s not that person.
My question for you: When will my ex let go? When will stop asking for more chances? Even after I’ve made it quite clear, several times, that the divorce is proceeding and almost finished, my ex still writes to me monthly. She says that she wants to be “friends” and hopes our paths cross again because neither of us will find “something so pure as what we had” ever again.
Look, it’s been 7 months since her affair ended. In that time, the affair partner married his long-time girlfriend (and mother of his child). I’ve moved out and established my own life. I assume that my ex has, too. But why now, after her brain has healed from the “wayward fog,” does she still think that she can win me back? Why does she characterize what we had as “pure” given she was clearly quite “un-pure” in her unfaithfulness? Why won’t she just leave me alone?
Tired of the tedium
Why won’t she leave you alone? Because you keep talking to her.
Here’s the thing with these freaks — all kibbles are good kibbles.
You think explaining no contact with her will make her go no contact. But talking to her is actually contact. See, unlike chumps, cheaters are very good at reading actions over words. Doesn’t matter what you SAY, you’re still there! You’re still in the game. You’re still kibbles.
Yes, even WHAT PART OF DIVORCE DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? is kibbles.
Your upset means she’s still central. You patiently trying to explain obvious concepts to her is still attention.
So, simple solution — you don’t have any kids together, she knows who your lawyer is if it’s a divorce related matter, so change your number, block her on all social media and email, and enjoy the quiet.
Methinks you might be enjoying a bit of the reverse pick me dance. And trust me on this, she’s hoping you do. She wants you to fall for her “flattery” — that yours were special pure kibble and she’ll never have that kind of special again. (Vomit.) You took her back once, maybe you’ll do it again. As long as you’re still speaking to her, the door is open.
But let’s examine her words — she’s not sorry. She’s not offering her heart-felt remorse. She’s not respecting your wishes of no contact. No, it’s still all about HER. She wants to be friends! Imagine that — you and her rotating cast of fuckbuddies could go enjoy a ball game together. Double date! (Triple date? Quadruple date?) Have dinner parties and all compare notes on her fabulousness! Because hey, destroying your marriage and dashing your hopes for starting a family — this is the stuff of BFF, right? Friendship means what she did Isn’t That Bad. So let’s be friends, okay?
People like your ex — everyone is an interchangeable “friend.” Getting back together is just keeping her options in play for future kibbles. You were good kibbles. You could still be of use to her. Why would you pass up an opportunity like THAT? A woman who wants an open marriage wants an endless buffet of options. But I suspect she never wanted an open marriage — she wanted cake. You in the dark, her at the buffet line. She said “open marriage” — but notice how she’s not really cool with you pursuing your life. She’s insinuating herself in your life, seeing if she can get her place of centrality back, because you know, what you had was like “pure” and everything.
I’m sure you are discovering there is a great big world out there full of women who share your values and who would love a committed, good guy like you. Stop trying to speak truth to stupid and change your number.
What you need, Tired, is pure no contact. Try it.