My husband of ten years admitted to me six weeks ago that he had begun an affair the previous month. It’s the first time as far as I know and happened once (?). We had been having problems for awhile. He is an alcoholic and I had threatened to leave several times. In addition, we just went through a bankruptcy and had to foreclose on our home in 2012. It was the typical Facebook story. Old girlfriend from high school….I was drunk and my judgement was clouded…..I felt like a failure from the foreclosure……blah blah. He is extremely remorseful. He has quit drinking and supposedly has broken off the affair. Of course, he wants to reconcile. Start over with a clean slate. Did I mention we have a five year old daughter and that he had sex with this woman in our home….in our BED???!!!!!!
The second he told me, I knew I was done. Not just because of the affair. It was more like the icing on the cake. (No pun intended.) I have already met with an attorney and will be filing for divorce on Monday. Seven weeks to the day of him telling me.
My family is making me feel like this is a hasty decision. He is a good guy and screwed up one time. Maybe I should give him a second chance? Let him prove he will be a better man. I say fuck that. I will never trust him again. Am I being rash because I am upset and hurt? How dare he bring that woman into my home and bed. My privacy was violated. What do you think? I think he sounds like a big fucking baby with a bunch of excuses.
Thanks for your site. Thank god a friend recommended this early on.
I think your life and your deal breakers are YOURS and not your family’s — that’s what I think. I also doubt your family knows the intimate horror of having your spouse fuck someone else in your bed. There is no way to interpret that act as anything but obscene and transgressive. It’s one thing to cheat, it’s quite another to do it so flagrantly — to amp up the humiliation and the violation to that degree. IMO, it’s part of the high. Not just the deceit, but the back stabbing — the silent, contemptuous “fuck you.” I Know Something You Don’t Know… and that secret delights me. Because when I think of that secret it degrades you — makes you a chump and me the Powerful Violator of Your World.
It’s abusive. Now, he told you his secret, but if you ask me, it’s so he can witness your humiliation and begin the abuse cycle all over. I did a bad thing. Drama. Hoovering. Honeymoon. I did a bad thing. Drama. Hoovering. Honeymoon.
I’m guessing that cycle is really familiar to you, as you’ve already gone through his alcoholism and financial instability.
I don’t blame you one bit for wanting to step off that crazy train. Monday cannot come soon enough, if you ask me. And good for you for realizing this now — I’m sure other people will come on here to tell you their sunk costs were greater. They waited for the “good person” to appear in their marriages and all it got them was lost years and screwed up children and decimated finances. And more D-Days.
He wants to prove he can be a good man? Let him do that on his own time. Let him demonstrate his remorse with a fair divorce settlement. Let his sobriety be self-powered and not dependent on you holding his hand through this. Let him take the 7 years to get his credit rating up to snuff. Let him prove himself to be a loving and involved father who shows up and pays his support. Let him do the long, hard investing in himself while you get on with your life.
When you get those data points? Call me. Then maybe I might change my advice. But until you’ve got that kind of evidence in front of you? Oh hey, he’s still a guy who fucked some Facebook floozy in your bed. Yeah, I still want him dumped. You just get on with that good life on your own without his chaos and insanity. You go model good things to your daughter. That we don’t stand for people who treat us like shit.
And get yourself some therapy. It’s probably no coincidence that the family who thinks this kind of crazy is acceptable for their daughter is the same crazy family who taught you to spackle and not protect yourself from harm. Where is the protective mama bear that comes out to rip the man to shreds who did this to her little girl? I’m sorry you didn’t get her. But you be that protective mama bear to your little girl, so she doesn’t grow up to think guys like this are “good” people.
This shit stops with you. Good luck on Monday.