I know he has talked himself into this belief. Originally, he said he didn’t know why he started talking to OW, having an EA first which then became physical. He said I was a good wife and a great mom. He even supposedly told OW that. After D-day #2 or was it #3, he said he thought he had fallen out of love with me and he was so attracted to her. We (I should say I) really tried for five years to reconcile. After D-day #5, hearing his voice on the voice-activated recorder telling her MANY times during that call how much he loved her, I had to end it. I filed for divorce and am finally single again and free of the bullshit! I can breathe again. He is living with OW and may actually be getting married to her once her divorce is final. Good for them!
However, last night I get word through a mutual friend that these two idiots submit to the idea that if their spouses were better spouses they would not have found each other and cheated!!!!! This just sends me over the edge!!! I thought about it all night. I talked to myself about it all night. Now….I know this isn’t one bit true and I can stand before him, her, friends, and family and hold fast to the fact that I was a damn good wife! I know nothing I did or didn’t do was going to change what he did, but I can’t tell you how much this bothers me. How long is this going to get under my skin? And why on earth do I let it??? And do you think they really believe this crap?
His logic must imply that he was perfect in the marriage, otherwise I would have cheated on him as well! Right??
Please help me understand this crazy thinking and help me find a way to get to meh with it!!!!
Oh yeah. That’s it exactly. He was perfect, which is why you didn’t cheat on him. You just enjoyed all that perfection, D-days one through five especially, while he suffered. You on the other hand were NOT perfect, which necessitated him cheating on you. Only the perfect people deserve fidelity — don’t you know that?
Were you infallible up the point he cheated? Nary a fault? Just came out of the starting gate all perfect and shiny, halo intact? Then what happened? Did you get a run in your stockings? Burn the pork chops? Get a very inconvenient head cold?
Well, whatever it was I’m sure that was the tipping point toward compelling him to fuck someone else. You and your flaws. You suck so bad that’s why he ate cake for five whole years and never divorced you — that’s exactly how intolerable you are — so intolerable you cannot be divorced.
You had to divorce HIM.
Of course your head hurts trying to understand this shit. It doesn’t make sense the way schizophrenics on street corners muttering to the voices in their head don’t make sense. It’s crazy talk.
Does he believe it? Oh, who knows. He believes it as much as he believes anything. A person like this is not tethered to reality (just like the schizophrenic), so why would you care what he believes?
He had a good wife. He fucked it up. Now he’d like to the point the finger at you and say YOU’RE not perfect. But apparently five D-days and five years of false reconciliation are an indication of what… his outstanding character? In his moral universe, what do you get to do because of his suckitude? Burn down orphanages?
Oh… that’s right. You’re the only one who sucks. Whatever. This is just the stupid shit cheaters say. One of their favorite cheater myths is — It’s all for the best.
Did I cheat on you? Decimate your finances? Leave you with a twitch? Do you require years of therapy? Got trust issues? Are you a single parent on a fixed income?
Hey! It’s all for the BEST! I mean, we’re all just in better places. You’ve really got your act together now — and hey, I noticed you’ve lost some weight. (Was that just for me? See, you can thank me for all the times I poked at your belly fat. What would you do without me?) Did you meet someone else? I don’t know who could put up with you, but hey, good for you. Cheating on you was really the best thing I could’ve done for… well, EVERYONE!
So yes, Kimmy. This is probably what they tell themselves. Did we lie and cheat and deceive our spouses? Did they divorce our sorry asses? Well gosh, they deserved to be the agent of our happiness for being so mean to divorce us. It’s All For The Best. We’re so good together! This joyous union could never have happened without their suckitude and our cake eating. And look at the kids — being so RESILIENT! Some people send their kids to Outward Bound to toughen ’em up, but not us. No, we fuck people we aren’t married to. That’ll stiffen their spines.
You want to get to Meh, Kimmy? Don’t try to understand crazy. Don’t spend one second of one minute of one day feeling like you were less than. HE cheated. He lied. He’s the loser. You’re bothered because after injuring you, he wants to insult you. But the two go together. Assholes who injure you are the same assholes who will insult you too. If you don’t believe me, read the crime pages of any newspaper.
“Well I had to rape and kill that hitch hiker. She was wearing short shorts.”
It’s what disordered people do — not just serial killers. (Although I must point out that Ariel Castro wanted the judge to believe that the women he locked and chained in his basement were in a “consensual” relationship with him.) These freaks all have the pathological inability to accept responsibility. Period.
Accept that — he’s a guy who insults and injures. Trust that he sucks. And laugh — he’s OW’s problem now.