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Dear Chump Lady, Is “True Tori” a Good Thing?

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Dear Chump Lady,

When it comes to “True Tori,” I’m wondering if the show isn’t actually a good thing for fidelity…?

You are 100% right that “True Tori” is pure trash, and that the disgusting protagonist (?) is just pimping her trainwreck of a family and sadly, her innocent kids, for a few more moments of fame and money. But, and this is where we may differ, I think that the show is actually important and groundbreaking for the infidelity discussion (even if badly acted), because it’s the only show I know of that takes a step back and shows an unbiased view of cheating. It doesn’t romanticize affairs, and it exposes what really happens in the long term when people cheat:

1. Cheating devastates families and kids.
2. Cheaters are total POSs (trust that they suck).
3. OWs (Tori) are not at all special. Rather, Tori is a dime a dozen of an OW, and also a total idiot/loser for signing up for a marriage with a known cheater.
4. Cheaters often had a good, loving marriage with a gorgeous, successful spouse (am talking about Dean’s original Ex here), yet they still cheat and lie about their marriage (because they’re entitled and they suck).
5. Cheaters turn their guilt around and, without any basis, try to blame the affair on their spouse (Dean tells Tori, “you’re so controlling, such a nag, etc.”)
6. The whole “soulmate” excuse is a total farce/ bullshit. “Soulmate” Tori gets the same shit sandwich that she helped serve Dean’s Ex-wife. Amen.

And I’m sure you could come up with many more lessons, too… Anyway, let me also say, the promo scene for the upcoming season, where Tori meets Dean’s ex-wife, is oh-so-validating for us chumps. The subtext is strong: Yes, Tori, you were morally wrong. Yes, Tori, you needlessly destroyed innocent people’s and children’s lives. Yes, Tori, you deserve what you’re getting. Yes, Tori, when we see you sitting alongside Dean’s Ex, it’s obvious that his Ex is so much better than you. Yes, Tori, you were used and played, and now you’re just a pile of shit.

It’s about time an infidelity program showed the true, full circle of what really happens when people cheat. Maybe it’ll help educate the public. And Tori might be making a few bucks, but really, I think it’s the producers and we chumps who are getting the last laugh…

Sunshine

Dear God, Sunshine, is Tori Spelling the best chumps can do for media representation? Seriously? A former OW is our poster child for How Infidelity Plays Out?

Sadly, I think you might be right. I can’t think of any other show that portrays what cheaters really look like. The Affair? Scandal? Those shows are cheater aspirational drama — sexy people doing sexy things and being terribly misunderstood as they fight the cruel forces of monogamy. This is how cheaters imagine themselves. It’s fantasy escapism.

True Tori, on the other hand, is pure schlock.

And isn’t that fitting? How many of us after D-Day say to ourselves, “When did my life become a Jerry Springer episode?” Infidelity IS schlocky. It is full of bad actors delivering ludicrous lines.

My favorite Stupid Shit Cheaters Say submission right now is: “I wasn’t buying strippers — I was buying self esteem. You spend money on things you don’t need!” Could anyone in Hollywood write anything that absurd? No! If you’re a chump, you know that shit is real because your cheater said something equally ridiculous to you. Infidelity is by its very nature farcical.

Hollywood trappings aside, McDermott and Spelling are the perfect examples of average cheaters — dim-witted, but consider themselves fabulous; obliviously narcissistic;  and as shallow as a urine sample.

Mary Jo Eustace has done us all a public service announcement on the futility of confronting the affair partner. Many chumps sent me that video clip of the heart-to-whatever-it-is-that-beats-inside-Tori-Spelling. (Mexican jumping beans? Television ratings? Cyborg vapidity?)

I’ve said before, trying to speak meaningfully to affair partners is like trying to shame a doorpost.

Watch the remorse that drips from Spelling as Eustace says, “We were real people, a real family.”

“Yeah.”

YEAH. Given evidence of a love letter that McDermott wrote to her right before his affair, Tori doesn’t draw the obvious conclusion that she’s not special, NO ONE is special to someone like McDermott. No, she concludes that “he just changes so drastically.” She’s still retaining her belief that she is SPECIAL. It’s Dean that changed — so suddenly! I guess that must be because Tori’s so overpoweringly awesome as to obliterate the love he had for Eustace.

Spelling remains completely indifferent to the harm she inflicted on Eustace. Spelling tries to get in front of the whole “I told you so” narrative, waiting for Eustace to take the bait, but Eustace instead tells her how kickass she is (was that necessary Mary Jo? really?) and how horrible this must be for her children. A thought that surely didn’t occur to Spelling as she renewed a second season of True Trainwreck.

Eustace demonstrates that good character and charitable kindness are as impervious to narcissism as a chump’s pain. Eustace tries that tack too and tells Spelling about her D-Day. The humiliation, the isolation, how she told her brother to tell her parents. When Eustace gets to “my dad started crying” — you expect the apology. The oh my God, I am so sorry, I was so thoughtless, I was so selfish, I didn’t have a thought about your family and how this would hurt you.

But of course it never comes. Instead, Spelling directs the attention back to herself.

“So if there had been no me, what would’ve happened?”

If there had been no ME.

Did your father cry? WTFever. Let’s imagine I wasn’t there. This is like a triple word score for narcissism. She’s disassociating herself from the responsibility of destroying a family, while at the same time turning the conversation back to herself. ME!

“There would’ve been somebody else.”

Eustace again tries to speak truth to stupid and fails. YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL. If not you, it would be some other Hostess cupcake.

Leaving aside the whole issue that I would’ve pressed (because I’m a bitch like that), that it was you. You WERE the person who broke up my family and didn’t feel one bit sorry, and instead trumpeted your marital bliss with a reality TV show, which then blew up in your face because McDermott doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself.

But Eustace doesn’t go there. She just persists in helping Tori try to untangle the skein.

“He was determined.”

Meaning, he was determined to get some ass. To be a cake eater. To cheat no matter what situation he was in, because YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.

“Are you insinuating that he went after me because of who I was?” asks Tori.

No Tori, she’s clearly telling you that he went after you because that is what he does and that is who he is.

“My dad didn’t leave me anything, so it has nothing to do with that… If that what he was looking for, a free ticket, it didn’t work out.”

Play for self pity! Your dad left you $800,000, which to 99.99 percent of the world is not nothing. It’s a fat inheritance. And you’re on the hook to inherit millions when your mother dies. I’m sure Dean did the calculus on that, and yes, found that you could be of use to him more than Eustace could. So he jumped ship.

All he has to do is gamble on your ability to keep believing you’re special. The price of admission is doing hammy faux remorse on the Saturday slot for a reality TV program no one watches. How long does he have to keep this shit up?  Until Candi Spelling dies or some other stupid heiress falls into his lap.

They don’t make stupid like Tori Spelling stupid. Nothing will ever permeate the narcissism of Tori Spelling. A father’s tears, public ridicule, Dean’s parade of bimbos…

Nice try, Mary Jo Eustace.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Watching that, all I could think was, Mary Jo is so pretty and NICE. (I cannot even begin to imagine chatting with ex’s AP like she did. I know she got paid to be there, but still. She didn’t use the phrase vapid whore bitch once. The woman has serious self-restraint, LOL.) Why would he think Tori is preferable to that? And if he downgraded from her to Tori, can you even begin to imagine what kind of fugly bimbos he’s with now? Good Lord.

    • Isn’t it obvious? Because Tori is an inseure mess – much easier to fuq with and control. Mary Jo seems like she has her shit together – much harder to control and manipulate.

      Just imagine the current fucktart!

      • You have a good point, HM. Did WE all get too hard to control and manipulate, so got dumped to find someone who was easier to control and manipulate?

        • I definitely did. I began therapy which was great for me but for the cycle of control was a downward spiral. I had this professional who I would visit weekly telling me that (1) what I wanted was not unreasonable (2) that I was not being treated well or appropriately (3) my partner was most likely a narcissist (4) to disengage.
          As I began to disengage and stand up for myself – that’s when I was traded in. Knowing nothing about the OW, I can only imagine she is a younger, easier to manipulate but not nearly as good model 😉

          • I agree, I think when I started to voice my opinion to the ex more, I started to get less appealing. And his much younger AP look more appealing. Honestly, who wants someone who doesn’t have their own likes or dislikes, opinions or feelings? Oh, Narcs, that’s who.

            And yeah, it took a professional to tell me that what I wanted was not unreasonable for me to believe it. Because I had been fed that shit sandwich for far too long.

          • I started seeing a therapist because I was so confused and hurt by the incredible cruelty and coldness from my XW. I can clearly remember how threatened she was by this and her admonition that don’t you dare talk about me”.
            Interestingly, the woman therapist who I saw and who I told about my XW’s behaviors asked me to read ” After the Affair”.
            was mystified.

            I had never even broached the subject of infidelity and had no inkling it was going on. She must have spotted all the sins that were staring me in the face.

        • This Kira!!!

          My ex would say constantly I was back chatting to him, not being respectful etc because I conversed with him adult to adult and he couldn’t handle my strong conviction, beliefs and morals. He wanted control, like how a parent controls a child. Yes, my ex could not handle me hence why he was always prowling for younger and younger fuckbuddies.

        • I agree. My cheater was into young women with mental health problems. Young vulnerable women are easier to manipulate. It’s horrible but true.

      • I don’t think Tori Spelling is insecure. If she were insecure, it would never occur to her that people might find her life interesting. The woman automatically assumes everybody is going to find her terribly interesting.

        And notice, it never occurs to her she is not special, and no matter what she is being told, she turns the conversation back to herself.

        That’s not insecurity. That’s self-obsession. I kind of think of this schlock as trying to control the narrative and paint herself as the victim, and she persists in that even when sitting across from somebody who she helped victimize.

        • I agree.

          I’ve never thought narcissists act from insecurity. They act from an over-inflated opinion of themselves. I think it’s chumps and the rest of the world that projects “insecurity” on to them to account for their grandiosity. Only someone who really felt small would have to puff themselves up so much!

          Or… someone who really believed in their grandiosity would be grandiose. Simpler explanation.

          • Yep. You always hear that “narcissists are secretly insecure deep down inside and actually hate themselves,” but I’ve never believed that. I think that in fact, they really DO believe they are far superior to everyone else, deserve more than everyone else and are entitled to have whatever they want, whenever they want it.

            IMHO, that’s why it’s virtually impossible for them to change, or have any actual insight into their own actions. Who WOULD want to change from being the almighty superior being to a regular old shlump? No way a disordered person is going to give up that delusion, no matter how much twisting of reality it takes to maintain. As for the people they hurt, that really doesn’t enter their mind at any point.

          • I do not buy into that bullshit that they act from a place of insecurity. Quite the opposite. They believe they are better than everyone else and entitled, just like you’ve always said. The fact that they are not empathic feeds that notion. “Look at me I’m better than those tree huggers, poor people, uninsureds, immigrants etc., and cheated upon. They are better they don’t feel!

            Don’t go there CL we need you.

            • Oh, TryingHard, my ex is one of those above everyone else and especially the most vulnerable! I don’t know if its just his physical demeanor but I do believe he really is a racist and sexist and just plain driscriminatory toward the less fortunate than him. The ironic part is he is not white nor rich nor as handsome or as smart as he would like to be. So I don’t understand where his sense of entitlement comes from but I do see how he “wants” to belong to what he considers “upper” classes.

        • On a trip to visit his grandparents in Kentucky some years ago, my XH actually said, out loud, in front of me & his sister & brother-in-law, “I think I’m better than pretty much everybody around here” (meaning the community of Kentucky we were in) — this because he couldn’t find a shop that would sell him a small quantity of coffee beans so he could grind them himself, to his liking. Everyone laughed at the absurdity of it, but I could see he meant it. I should’ve known then. Insecure? Umm, no.

      • It’s been a comfort to me, after I got past the days of “How is she better than me?”, to realize it’s because she’s easier, less of a challenge. I don’t ever want to be that. Not a challenge for its own sake, no, but to be a complete human being.

        • NWBiblio, my ExH told me during “reconciliation”: “sex is easy with her”. I just couldn’t believe he said that! Was it meant as an insult to me, to her or to himself? Me “prude”? Her an “easy whore”? Or him “inadequate”? Good I wasn’t having sex with him anymore…maybe he was “testing” how “easy” I could become and do the pick me dance to try to win him back…

  • Ooh, ooh, ooh! This reminds me of something I wanted to post recently. Nowadays when married or otherwise unavailable men hit on me I find it repulsive. Yet, when I was younger I used to think (I really truly believe this) that it was not that they were bad, disgusting, gross people who lacked integrity but that they were so overcome by my gloriousness that they were drawn to betrayal.

    Yeah, I see it.

    Can you believe that? I really thought that. Why else would a married man hit on someone who was not his wife? Well, obviously because that other person was amazing! The point is now, after having been betrayed and learning what sort of person does this, I realize that this is a major character flaw and these individuals probably hit on anything that walks by them. It’s just the sad, insecure, naive, immature people who think they are special and fall for their antics. Obviously, there are major implications here as to how screwed up the AP has to be to fall for it initially.

    I am happy to say that now when a married or otherwise unavailable man tries to pick me up, he is met with a look of disdain and immediately drop-kicked from my life. All respect is lost and I won’t even so much as hold eye contact with him any longer.

    Obviously, Tori still thinks she is special and Mary Jo is too classy to tell her otherwise.

    • Oh yes…..with youth comes great ignorance. I remember thinking the same thing, as I imagine most girls did. It’s called a lack of life experience, and being downright naive. I don’t judge young women who get into affairs the same way I judge grown women, for that very reason.

      • I have three teenage daughters. The crap they watch and believe is revolting. I expect they probably believe this too. I love them but they are really into appearance and superficiality (well, no the youngest so much).

  • I would love to know what Tori expected her to say. What exactly she wanted from that exchange, because it obviously wasn’t to say “I’m sorry, I now realize exactly what I did and how I hurt you and your family”. I think she expected a “He really thinks you’re special, more special than me.. I loved you in 90210..”

    • I think she just wanted to get in front of the “I told you so” narrative. See? I can play nice with Dean’s ex. We can unite in our WTF about Dean! Impression management.

      I’m baffled at what was in it for Mary Jo Eustace? Why subject yourself to that? Surely she came out of this looking like the better person, but even being invested in the narrative is not meh. Let alone appearing on her nutty TV show. It does lend Tori an air of legitimacy, which she probably didn’t intend to give.

      • I read her book and the part in it where Tori shows up at her house even before they were divorced, apparently oblivious to the fact that is might be a faux paux.

        So my guess? Morbid curiosity mixed with schadenfreude plus the opportunity to say “We were a real family”. I think, if anything, the futility of trying to emphasize to Tori that they were a real family was probably a surprise. A “there’s no there ‘there'” moment. It falls on deaf ears, no lightbulb lights up, no epiphany about how much of a wretch she (Tori) was happens.

        Waste of time.

      • She did get in a few good truth darts, though:

        1. He’s your knob now.
        2. We were a real family
        3. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been somebody else.

        Lot of good it did. But she probably had been thinking those things a very long time 😉

        • AND she looked fabulous doing it. Who of us wouldn’t want a chance to be on tv next to our ex’s schlumpy OW (who also got and still is being publicly humiliated by him), when you look like MJ? I would love it.

        • I think there would be some satisfaction in saying that in public, and doing so in a way that makes clear she is not the nutjob in this situation.

      • I agree – why would Mary Jo waste her precious time trying to untangle skank Tori’s pathetic narrative? I would rather stick needles in my eyes than have a chummy chat with the OW in my first marriage. Us Canadians were familiar with Mary Jo when she hosted a cooking show on Canadian TV years ago. She was great entertainment with an offbeat sense of humour. I felt for her when her marriage to sleazy Dean collapsed. She’s diminished herself by doing this interview with Tori – I thought she was a classy lady, but this kind of publicity seeking is beneath her.

          • Well, “prostituting herself” is rather inaccurate. She just got baited–with some assurances about portrayal–into going on there once for one meeting, managed to slip in a few truth darts in the process, and now has 10 grand for her son’s college fund she didn’t have before .

            There was no exchanging sex for money. Hyperbole kind of undermines your point, IMO.

            And I can kind of see that the 10 grand for the kid’s college might be a tipping point. It’s not like we can expect Mr. Tori to step up 🙂

              • Hey, I am just going by what Mary Jo, herself, has said about the matter.

                Why do I have a reason to doubt Mary Jo is putting it in a college fund?

              • I agree Ms. Eustace is not a prostitute in the literal sense, and she sure as heck didn’t deserve getting cheated on. Nobody does.

                But here is what the lady did. She married a bone-fide and obvious douche-bag (likely for his hunky good looks since his brain and personality seem less than compelling) and shared his narcissistic dream of low-rent celebrity. When that blew up, she got paid to write a vapid tell-all about the episode and everyone involved. Years later, she insists on continuing to share the stage with Mr. Cheaterpants and his psycho current wife by getting paid to go on the home-wrecker’s TV show and banter about her family tragedy. Not the stuff of strong character. And not the kind of conduct likely to help her child’s family relationships in any way.

                Rather than save the $10K for college, how about saving it for his therapy?

                All to say, I am not comfortable with this woman being cast as the poster child for spouses-done-wrong. She sure doesn’t speak for me, and if she were my sister, friend, or daughter, Ms. Eustace would certainly get an earful from me.

              • Kid is 16 years old now. College is around the corner 😉

                Pretty sure the therapy thing was happening around 2005/6 time frame.

                Time flies.

            • Not to be pedantic or anything; but, one can prostitute oneself by “selling one’s ability, talent or name for an unworthy purpose”. Which Mary Jo did.

              • Then Tori’s a prostitute for sure. At $10,ooo, Mary Jo is a rank amateur by comparison. An understudy.

                My eyes feel so defiled.

                There’s a real danger in thinking any of these plastic people make good role models or even cautionary tales. Like Britney Spears was set up to role model to kids of my daughter’s generation. You could just tell how that was going to work out.

            • I almost went & talked to the OW for FREE! At least she wasn’t that stupid! (Thank God I didn’t either, but because I knew I would come away with more questions than answers, give her another ego shot at my expense, plus I knew she would lie, so what is the point?) Wish she got a lot more though.

            • Shit, I would do it for 10k. Nothing wrong with that and the audience got a chance to see what a downgrade Spelling is.
              Real question is how did this Dean asshole ever get a wife as good looking and nice as this woman. Guy is a mutt.

          • She was paid $10,000 to show a few who are caught up in this faux docu-drama what real class and self esteem looks like. It was a “job” and she was a pro. I saw it as Zen.

            Funny but the therapist in this show was the therapist for Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed. With her guidance he is no longer an entitled Narc. ( Spoil alert: he gave Shannon her due and they finally married.) Maybe she’ll “cure” this Canadian bacon named Dean, too. Stay tuned…. NOT!

  • Thanks, Kira. As a guy, I did not want to be the first here to say it – what an incredible downgrade. Really, WTF, Dean or Dylan or Dustin or whatever your name is?

    More seriously, at least this show does present cheaters in all their tawdry glory. Not for me personally, enough time is spent dealing with and thinking about my own situation to want to wallow in someone else’s.

    But maybe, just maybe, if a couple of would be cheaters watch this they will realize that the newer model is sometimes an old, nasty clunker after you get past the Earl Scheib paint job; and that the greener pastures you saw “out there” often turn out to be faded astroturf with beer stains and cigarette burns.

    But I doubt it. Cheaters are who they are.

    • Those of us who grew up in SoCal in the ’70s will remember that the Earl Scheib Paint & Body ads often came on right before the ads for Cal Worthington Ford:

      • Hereeeeeeee’s Cal Worthington, and his dog, Spot.

        f you need a better car, go see Cal.
        For the best deal by far, go see Cal.
        If you want your payments low
        If you want to save some dough
        Go see Cal Go see Cal Go see Cal

        Any model, any make,
        Go see Cal
        Give your pocketbook a Break!
        Go see Cal!

        Save some money.
        Save some time.
        Save a nickel.
        Save a dime.
        Lower prices every time.
        Go see Cal.

        Old jalopy’s on the blink.
        Go see Cal.
        It may be later than you think!
        Go see Cal!

        A thousand cars from which to choose.
        Let him drive away your blues.
        Go see Cal Go see Cal Go see Cal

        Lowest payments in this town.
        Go see Cal.
        For the lowest money down,
        Go see Cal.

        It’s a giant super mart!
        Save a bundle!
        Play it smart.
        From the dealer with a heart!
        Go see Cal!

        If you’re a little short of cash,
        Go see Cal.
        Troubles over in a flash.
        Go see Cal.

        The down payment he’ll arrange!
        Get a ten-day trial exchange!
        Go see Cal Go see Cal Go see Cal

        If you want more for your trade,
        Go see Cal.
        Better deals were never made!
        Go see Cal!

        If you need a car or truck,
        If you want to change your luck,
        If you want to save a buck, go see Cal.

        If you want a better buy,
        Go see Cal!
        You’ll be highly satisfied.
        Go see Cal.

        Give a new car to your wife.
        She will love you all her life.

        Go see Cal Go see Cal Go see Cal

        If you’re axle is a saggin’,
        Go see Cal.
        Maybe you need a station wagon!
        Go see Cal!

        If your wife has started naggin’,
        If your tailpipe is a draggin’,
        Go see Cal Go see Cal Go see Cal

        Long Beach is where he’s at.
        Go see Cal.
        Hey, that dog looks like a cat!
        Go see Cal, go see Cal, go see cal.

        Next Up: Schoolhouse Rock, “I’m only a bill”.

        • LOL, then he would ride a tiger, or an alligator or some other creature. Man, I feel old now. I remember the Earl Scheib ads as well.

          • Not Kidding, I grew up in Detroit and my Mom got an Earl Scheib paint job on her car & I went with her. (very young, maybe 5 or 6, I remember it because of the ads & the ribbing afterwards) We weren’t poor, in fact the car was only about a year old, but she didn’t like the color!! Lived in the burbs & traveled to a bad area to accomplish the mission. My Dad hit the roof when he got home! Beat the time she backed up the car out of the garage without opening the garage door, but I digress. In case you wee wondering who keeps these places going-my Mom was one. Classy, I know.
            This Mary Jo does have class, can’t picture her with that Jackass!

  • I find this entire “show” revolting. I just watched that clip and was absolutely disgusted by the entire thing, including Dean’s ex-wife. Mary Jo is cashing in on her previous pain and joining the “crazy” too. Infidelity is perhaps the worst pain a person can suffer. All of the self doubt and depression associated with the decline of the marriage is soul crushing. Many even attempt suicide, and some actually succeed. If this show and infidelity is entertainment what does that say about us?

    I for one could not imagine sitting across the table from my ex’s affair partner and carrying on a conversation. Certainly not for money and not with camera’s rolling. While my ex husband is largely to blame for the bomb which imploded my life and that of our two children, his affair partner holds some of that blame as well. I have no time for that now or anywhere in my future. Cheaters know the destruction they leave in their wake. They just don’t care!!!

  • I love how casually MaryJo said “he is a knob, but he’s your knob now.”
    There’s the first karmic payback.

  • How many of us after D-Day say to ourselves, “When did my life become a Jerry Springer episode?”
    I sure did. When my ex decided he didn’t want to deal with a pregnancy (mine), he started telling people the baby wasn’t his. My brother called me and left a VM saying “how many percent sure are you the baby is his?”, referencing my life turning into Maury and what a jackass my ex is (the baby was very obviously his).

    • I thought the same thing! Jerry Springer here I come! I also thought before I found CL that my life was the only one like this. How could my family end up like this when all I wanted to do was be a wife and mother? What did I do wrong. But, alas I am meh and now know there are some some fucked up people in this world and I just made the mistake of marrying one!

    • Actually, My life came pretty close to Maury.When my son was missing and the cheating ex shithead had been found along with his buddy after their suicides, I got a telegram from Maury’s show inviting me to appear on his show. I looked at it and thought this guy is out of his mind! My child is missing and his shitgbag father is dead with a self imposed bullet through is brain and they want me to go on national TV. I filed it in the garbage. Then around a week later, when my son’s body was found, another telegram from good ol’ Maury. It just said….Sorry about your son…..we still want you to be on the show. Uh….NO….and rot in hell……That telegram wound up in the garbage too…..Damn, how I detest reality TV.

      • Oh dear. My sincere condolences on the loss of your son. How dreadful for you. I remember a character in a novel in which a child was abducted saying something like, “There was a time when people would have spread straw on the cobblestones in front of the houses of the bereaved so that they were not disturbed by the sound of horses’ hooves. Now we have packs of news-jackals at the door.”
        Now we’re even lower. I’m so sorry that your grief was intruded upon by something so tawdry.

  • Proverbs has a good many verses warning against falling into the adulteress’ trap (I think one could put adulterer there, too). In a strange way, knowing the cheater would cheat regardless is a comfort. It alleviated my anger towards the OM. He still did wrong, like Torry here, but he just happened to be her fool. No, they are not special. Reality will eventually win in making that known.

    • “Proverbs has a good many verses warning against falling into the adulteress’ trap ”

      During the hellacious five months I had to continue living with ex after Dday, I often found his bible sitting on the kitchen table, open to a verse about adultery. Bizarre. One time, in a fit of annoyance, I flipped the pages to Proverbs 31:10, the one about a good wife being worth more than rubies. That was the last time ex left his bible sitting out.

      • Lucky you. I got 10 month with my ex because her lawyer told her to stay and try to force me out. One day some brilliant politician will come along and change the laws to favor the betrayed spouse, including preventing mental health issues by forcing the cheater to leave. Uh oh, did i just smoke hopium? A brilliant politician? LOL!

        Excuse me while i get back to reality.

  • Wow. Watching that video clip you can see that Tori’s shitty character is locked in an epic struggle with her stupidity. Reminds me of when Godzilla wrestled Mothra, except with more silicone prosthetics and less acting ability.

    Also, more evidence that cheaters often don’t even realize when the Karma bus has arrived, even when it’s parked right on top of them.

  • “When did my life become a springer episode”…i thought that over and over. I only though in terms of violence toward the other man which is why i refused to confront. 2 years after dday i barely talk to my ex, she is still chasing rainbow farts and unicorns and i am convinced ever speaking to her or the OM will never give me satisfaction. Horrible people dont deserve attention, thats what they crave.

    • So true, nothing got to my ex and trashy OW more than ignoring their ridiculous behavior (until it got ridiculous enough for court, that is).

  • First, I don’t understand why anybody is still talking or thinking of this Tori person.

    Second, isn’t this a clear case of “It’s not that Tori doesn’t see. It’s that she disagrees.” Right? She knows, and she doesn’t care. It’s pretty simple.

    I also disagree about the insecurity issue. NPD basis is believed to be insurmountable insecurity–which leads to dissociation and splitting. A personality takes over in order to protect the core personality from what the person perceives as harm. Unfortunately, these mentally ill folks define “harm” as anything that doesn’t make them feel good.

    Mine told me that I can’t ever laugh at him–ever. I can have inside jokes with him (in fact, he desperately tried to “make” inside jokes, until I told him it just doesn’t work like that)—but if I ever laughed at him for any reason, it would be over. Seriously? You can cheat, lie and steal from me and our kids–that doesn’t make you feel bad– but I can’t laugh at you because that will.

    She’s insecure and she was raised to be that way. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be raised by a bunch of media whores who allow their children to be attacked by every rag–for everything from how they look to what they’re wearing to their relationships with their friends. Her parents are the scum of the earth for how they raised Tori.

    Am I apologizing for Tori’s shitty behavior? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Everyone has a choice in this life. You can blame your parents just so long and then it’s all on you. But from someone who was given zero tools by her own parents for how to set boundaries and stay safe from assholes like the Dean McDermotts of the world—I can see how Tori is simply incapable of making any honest decisions. This gets her what she was trained to get—ATTENTION.

    Remember, to NPDs, bad attention is better than no attention. So…that being said….why is anybody still talking about her?

    • I can watch about 10 seconds of her before I have to change it. I am fascinated with her really ugly hair.

      I want to know in the clip where her lovely cheating husband or is she is worse cheater? I can’t keep track. Anyway, is that Dean? What the hell happened to him? Did he fall into a hole? He looks so bad I was stunned he is the “husband”.

      I at first thought he was a plumber of something, I kid you not.

      • No, not a plumber.

        Time marches on. It’s not kind to most of us. But… funny thing, if you think about it, the Dalai Lama XIV is not a physically beautiful person at this stage in his life, but still he kind of radiates something positive and attractive, right? He looks pretty darn happy most of the time; maybe that’s part of it. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s interested in others: who they are, what their experience is, and that sort of stuff?

        The guy who reminds you of a plumber and who reminds me of a cross between a mole and a man? I think that’s partly about who he is too.

        My great aspiration is to be a wrinkly, saggy old guy who somehow manages to radiate warmth. I’m not there (not wrinkly, saggy or warm enough yet), but… right now … I think it’s good to remind myself of that goal 😉

        • Over time, character tends to show on the outside. Hence, the Dalai Lama radiates calm, healthy goodness. Dean whatever-his-name-is just looks like he smells bad.

    • I think the “Insecurity” divide here happens because the dissociation and splitting leaves the insecurity unexpressed in normal life, but managed unconsciously. What is expressed is the entitlement and grandiosity of the false self they project. So the “real” person is “insurmountably insecure,” but creates a false self to project their greatness, grandiosity, entitlement. So–both secure (as they project) and insecure (in their sub/unconscious). If I understand this correctly. Certainly, this fits Jackass, who literally cannot tolerate anyone questioning him and has revised his own narrative to make all his bad choices someone else’s fault because he can’t tolerate a confrontation with himself as he really is. I was thinking of trying to explain this distinction, Buttercup, but you did a much better job than I would have.

      • I think both my XWs have NPD or ASPD or something. Based on their rages and weird, grandiose behaviors and inside info, I am sure they are insecure as hell. Just freakishly scared of some stuff leaking out.

    • Maybe Dean’s parents did a poor job of teaching him how to be safe from predators like Tori. Works both ways. Lots of predatory women out there these days.

    • Yeah, this is the only program that shows infidelity reality: When a cheater and AP marry, the result is a trainwreck — the cheater keeps cheating and the OWife ain’t special.

  • Is this a good show to express the true evils of infidelity?

    Probably not.

    In the words of my cheater prize, “well if your going to look at it that way it makes me look worse.”

    I guess it’s all perspective. Looking through the eyes of a brand new chump, a veteran chump or an entitled cheater would see this drama in their own perspective.

    I’m going to say that the show would be bad for a new chump and empowering for the entitled assholes !

  • Tori says 800,000.00 is nothing? Ok, maybe she is living the beatles song money can’t buy me love.

    Poor Tori, awwww she is a wost widdle soul on her fire shit path in life with flames on each side of her.

  • Honestly, I think Mary Jo came off as classy. She looks great- just naturally beautiful and well put-together. She made the case for chumps everywhere that affairs are not beautiful stories of romance, but rotten, selfish acts that affect real people of substance. As far as I’m concerned, she won. I hope she takes that $10K and enjoys spending it. What she has (her dignity, her inner- and outer-beauty, her post-knob life) is worth more than Tori’s inheritance by far.

    If anything, the conversation seems to have been edited to make Tori look worse, but who knows what the un-edited conversation looked like or why the decision was made to cut to Tori asking weird, inappropriate questions?

  • I always had the impression Tori was the sad ugly daughter of a high powered TV producer who brought her up in one of the largest mansions anywhere…worth $26 million. So, when she appeared on 90210 or whatever it was called, her acting, although fairly atrocious, was tolerated simply because she was AS’s girl. I always cringed when that show flashed briefly across the screen. It does not surprise me, years later, to see her totally screwed up. No wonder dad only left her enough to be able to shop Rodeo Drive but not waste her trust funds. It is a pathetic testiment to the average viewing public that anyone would waste their time watching such tripe. It’s akin to watching the aftermath of a traffic accident…you don’t want to look but sometimes can’t resist. I just hope her mother puts aside some of those trust finds to help the children after T has done herself in. Doesn’t look like she eats particularly well.

  • Unless Tori knew nothing about Dean’s wife and family when he was stepping out with her, she is also a scum-sucking cheater. I can’t feel anything but disdain for her crocodile tears. Fuck em.

  • When I think of downgrading that some of you have mentioned, I always think of Tiger Woods. He cheated on an intelligent, gorgeous woman who was supportive of his career and acted like a mature adult. I thought that he was a total idiot for what he did. It is good to know about the entitlement trait in cheaters and that they cheat because they can. Sometimes, that is the only explanation for why they wrecked a real life for their own pleasure.

    • You offer an excellent example, Marie, in Elin Woods, who also took a golf club to her Cheaterpants, kicked his ass to the curb, and forever ended his fearsome reputation as a golfing badass. Then she goes back to school and graduates, and talks about that as an example for other women. Tiger is a total fool, but that’s a given with narcissists.

    • Tiger, well Tiger, that could be a post of its own with plenty to comment about. The stakes were far, far higher, but at bottom, I believe a lot of the same factors that make cheaters who they are were in play.

  • Maybe I’m off base, but I’d bet dollars to donuts that Mary Jo went on the show for one reason: If she did not do it Tori was going to pull the bitter card, she’d cry and talk about how she really needed to talk to Mary Jo. And the narrative would be that Mary Jo is so bitter that Deaner the weener picked Tori the soulie she refused to talk to her. I’m betting Tori put her between a rock and a hard place. Let Tori paint her as giving a shit or tell Tori on camera she doesn’t anymore.

    And if the whole “it’s all about how special I am” Tori parade could be any more clear it was certainly evident when Mary Jo told her “If it hadn’t been you, it would have been somebody else.” and Tori brushes that off. As CL sez, Tori feels she is special, even now.

  • OH man did I need this today.
    OW – you are NOT special. XH – you are not, either.
    Now this is needs to be my daily mantra 🙂

    I can’t get over the extent of the higher road Mary Jo took. Good for her!!!

  • “How many of us after D-Day say to ourselves, “When did my life become a Jerry Springer episode?” Infidelity IS schlocky. It is full of bad actors delivering ludicrous lines.”

    Well here in the UK it’s not so much Jerry Springer as Jeremy Kyle where the usual fare is: “You stopped access after I refused sex… but is your son mine?” or “Did my Dad have sex on my mum’s grave?” The usual run of the mill family drama.

    However I felt my post cheater reality was more akin to the soap “EastEnders” famous for its Doof Doof cliff hanger signature theme.

    “I haven’t just relapsed, there’s more” Doof Doof – wait for next episode.
    “I’ve been stealing money from you to pay for prostitutes.” Doof Doof- waits two years in faux reconciliation.
    “I’ve slept with your colleague” Doof Doof – “I love you but I’m not….” Doof Doof…..

    The traditional leaving of a character from ‘the square’/the soap (usually after revelations of betrayal) is in a black cab.

    I got a train but I swear I heard Doof Doof.

  • I feel for the children……adult drama bullshit. Can you imagine if that was your mom on national television vomiting up the transgressions for advertising dollars. Way to fuck up the kids, parents who are supposed to have the children’s best interest at heart. Air your crap for public consumption at the expense of your torn and tattered family.

    The world has gone mad.

  • Maybe the kids will end up with a show of their own & the circle of f’d upness will be complete. After all, they are going to need to make a living somehow until the bucket loads of cash hit.

  • Let the train wreck begin for the horse face and her beady eyed POS. He’s already playing the “victim” of her nagging and tyrant like behavior (as he puts it). Poor sausage, he is probably getting the business from the marriage police on a daily basis, cause she trusts him so much now. It will be nothing but ongoing accusations and mistrust and total disrespect for those two losers now. They both should stay together just so they can inflict never ending misery on each other. Guess they’re finding out that shit sandwiches really do suck.

  • I am watching an episode of this farce for the first time. (Not the one addressed above.) Good lord, Dean is the king of the pity play and uses it so effectively to deflect and also maintain his centrality with everyone, therapists included. Poor sausage. Not. It’s amazing how easy it is to see through all this BS after absorbing wisdom from Tracy and Chump Nation.

  • Wow…this really hit me hard 🙁 The OW was 23 and XH 35. I remember asking him if she was pretty and his words were “she’s nothing to look at. You’re beautiful she’s nothing spectacular”. Another time I asked him why her. His reply was “because she’s not you”. It’s been 4 years and they’re engaged and brought a house. My self esteem is still shot bc she is accomplished (graduated from college), comes from a well to do family, and has a nice body even though she is a butterface and looks like a tranny (short hair). She would remind me how he left my ass and that I wasn’t that important to him if he never mentioned that he was married (she knew when I confronted her and continued to be with him. Her mother also knew and condoned it). I did the pick me dance and humiliated myself even more. I’m still having a hard time about the whole thing and am trying to move forward. It’s especially hard to do that since we have a child together. Is it okay to hate them so much that I wish something bad happen to them? I’m not happy in my current relationship and feel like I’ll never achieve that happiness again. It’s a stab in the heart all over again when I see how well they are doing and here I am still miserable.

    • What a dog the OW is to tell you that you weren’t that important to him.

      Good golly, of course he didn’t mention that he was married, he wanted to get into her pants! I mean look at what he says about why he slept with her – because she wasn’t you. He just wanted some variety. Telling her would be more of a sign that he thought she was important.

      Look, she knows perfectly well that you were important enough to him that he married you. And that he had a child with you and that the two of you will always be connected by that. She sounds insecure and jealous as hell.

      She also knows – and he knows – that you are a faithful loving person and she isn’t. That makes her a downgrade.

      In terms of moving forward. First, the guy treated you badly and made you miserable. You don’t want to go back to that!!!!!

      Second, if you’re not happy in your current relationship, you need to make some kind of change there. The happier you are, the easier it will be to let go.

      Please don’t waste another moment on jealousy of this slug. Anyone who treats other people the way she does is scum who doesn’t deserve the advantages she’s had in life. Although I don’t think she really got anything out of the education.

  • Annabella; Don’t worry, you are not missing anything but more pain. This other woman will be the next outcast. Refuse to believe it is you because it is not!!

  • Annabella – I did the “she must be so much better than me” self-hate drama for a long time, and trust me you can cut right to the end of the chain. She’s not better than you. No way, it does not matter how nice her ass is. My XH’s OW is fat, but she is TALL — he always said that my only drawback is that “you’re short”. These abusive narcs are all the same. I don’t care if the OW has 3 masters degrees and shakes it like Shakira — she is not. better. than. you.
    It’s been almost 6 years since I lost my douchebag, and guess what? Prince Charming finally came into my life, and he had 20 years with a cheating crazy woman as well. There are good men out there who would never cheat or lie or abuse you. I promise. <3 (I never would have said this last year but I'm happy to be proven wrong.)

  • The whole pregnant thing raises another question – she shouldn’t be having unprotected sex with a guy who cheated on her. I bet a lot of people have, so it’s an important issue.

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