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But I Always Come Back to You

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BoomRangIf you ever had any doubts that cheating was about unbridled narcissism, look to the Boomerang Cheaters. They screw around but then assure you, hey, it’s okay — because they would never divorce you. “I always come back to you!”

My cheating ex used to do this mindfuck and it never failed to infuriate me.

What makes you assume I WANT you to come back? You think you’re doing me some sort of favor?

Is this some sick assurance that I’ve won the pick me dance?

Other than being several sandwiches shy of a picnic, what could compel cheaters to say this?

Moral superiority.

Yeah, I know a claim to the moral high ground is rich coming from a cheater, but I swear part of the “but I would NEVER divorce you!” narrative is smug condescension. I’m a Family Person. I VALUE marriage! Unlike YOU who talk of divorce and who want to harm the children and break up their home! You’re a quitter.

Next they swan into a self pity aria. I’m trying. Can’t you see how much I put up with you? Okay, a Mistake Was Made. How long must I be punished? 

I Always Come Back to You of course is also a flamboyant display of entitlement. They assume there is hearth and home to come back to. It’s also a staggering act of minimalization. Oh, that affair? Yeah, so? But I’m with you now. What’s your issue? Why would you think anything is wrong here?

Cake is Right and Proper! Do not upset the balance of cake!

Of course, to the unschooled chump, they don’t see cake. They see a dramatic love affair gone wrong. The cheater strays, is wayward for awhile, but then is tugged back by the great, powerful love they have for their chump. Oh to be the focus of such a love! Oh to WIN the pick me dance and crush the competition under the heel of your boot!

If a cheater boomerangs? I suggest you not be there to catch them. Let that thing drop.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Exactly, fuck that shit!

      Mine thought after all that lying, gaslighting, cheating on me, he couldn’t believe I finally dumped him. He accused ME of being heartless, self righteous, unforgiving (after all he only loved me) and couldn’t believe after all the years, “good times” we have spent together and that I would throw all that away for that bullshit and erase everything like we never existed and oh yeah I am still his only true love. HUH? WTF?

      YEP, it was —all my fault— for breaking up that special love, the relationship that we had..His cheating, lying etc. had nothing to do with it you know, and just remembering his bullshit makes me shake my head. Talk about being warped in the head!!

      • Our hubbies obviously got the same script–I have heard the exact same things since d-day. Yup, I gave up on a great love because of my inability to just let go and move on from the pain. He even brought up Anna Karenina, and how Dolly just “decides” one day to forgive her husband for his infidelity. Implication–who am I to violate great literary lessons?

        These pleas by the cheater are just more evidence of their narcissism and lack of empathy.

        • We should rewrite the opening line of Anna Karenina: “Happy cheaters are all alike; every unhappy chump is unhappy in their own way.”

        • They sure do Tempest!

          Get this, on top of his bullshit word salad, his mother tried to tell me, only about the first MOW of course, the butter faced ho-worker that he was fucking for over 3 years, and she knew about it the whole time and was telling me at the same time, how happy she was, her son finally found a good woman like me, then hanging out with the MOW the whole time behind my back, and when I found out about the MOW #1, by then their affair was done, it’s probably because she stopped working there and he was with OW #3 btw, (which I didn’t know at the time) she said; “she was just a skank and she kept throwing herself at him, and it happened years ago, you need to let it go and move on” so I said to her “what are you telling me? So its ok if he goes cheats on me NOW for 3 years (he already was), fucks some other skank, lying to my face every day, but just because I find out couple of years later, after they were done, that would be ok? Is that what you are telling me?” she didn’t answer that question… then much later, after being gaslighted repeatedly by him, when I found out about all the other skanks, the dating sites and after learning that he never stopped his cheating, lying, so I was done, I dumped him and went NC, after all this she had the nerve to email me and says “ You know, you will NEVER EVER find anyone who loves you as much as he does!! Just saying!!!” with lot of exclamations. I didn’t reply and all I can think was, —I hope NOT! I don’t need that kind of love—. I also went NC with his family, cut them all out of my life completely as well.

          To this day, according to him and his family , I gave up on a “great guy” (serial cheating, pathological lying, deadbeat, mooching thief) who made some “mistakes “and a great relationship because of –my inability– to just let go and move on… They are all warped in the head!!

          • It’s SO important to realize that these creeps generally were bred in a dysfunctional soup. I don’t take advice from dysfunction. You were smart to dump the whole lot of them. God forbid they warp your brain, too. Gah!

            • Absolutely Miss Sunshine!

              Let me give you an example of how dysfunctional these creeps were/are. When we were couple of years into our relationship and if I remember correctly I just turned 37. We were at a family gathering/cookout, his mother came and sat next to me, then out of the blue she blurted “you need to go and have an hysterectomy!” I said “excuse me?’” she goes, “you have a child and he has 2, there is no need for you to have any more children, so make an appointment and get an hysterectomy” I was flabbergasted…for months, every time she would see me, the same shit, “did you make an appointment yet? When are you going to get it done?” now, if a woman don’t want any children she can use birth control pills, IUD or simply have her tubes tied OR her son could’ve get a damn vasectomy. The hysterectomy is a major surgery and doctors won’t do that just because you asked them to, its done for medical reasons for extreme cases and most women who had it done experienced many complications, one is, vagina will dry, shrink in size and it would make the sex very painful and most women will lose their desire to have sex. I bit my tongue every time she brought that up with an attitude by the way. Then months later the truth came out. His sister who has 3 children wanted to have another child, however she had some medical problem and her doctor strongly advised she needs to get a hysterectomy done and right away and she was devastated and kept dragging her heels because she didn’t want to get it done. That explained to me why this sick woman wanted me to have that operation, after all if she didn’t want us to have any kids and since her son has 2 and I have only one, why didn’t she suggest to her son to get a vasectomy? Heck it takes only an hour in a doctor’s office for him to have that done. Yeah talk about dysfunctional!

              I wasn’t thinking about having any children with him and he knew it and I count my blessings every day I didn’t have a child with him. Otherwise it would’ve made it impossible for me to go NC with him and his family and they would’ve been in my business day and night, using the child the abuse me further.

            • I’m not religious in any way, but these were forwarded to me when I found out about the affair. My ex has a seeeeeeeeeeerious mommy problem as she has a seeeeeeeeeeeeeerious son problem.

              1 Corinthians 5:11

              Matthew 7:15-20

              Luke 6:43

              My ex’s mother has some big time skeletons in her closet that ex was always so keen to gloss over…like screwing the town preacher’s son in an attempt to get him to marry her. She got pregnant, tried to force the boy to marry her—and luckily for that poor boy, the family stepped in and told my ex’s mother to pound sand.

              Then they all came up with the cover story that the father of the child was an “unknown”—nobody seems to “know” who the dad is and it’s taboo to even speak of it. Poor Mommy, according to my ex. Supposedly he was “never told” who the father was and he continuously carries that around as an excuse to be an asshole to everyone.

              Mommy went on to use a couple more guys to pay her bills, never working a day in her life, yet criticizing ME for being the only grownup in my relationship with her son…the one with the JOB.

              Gee whiz. Wonder where he got the idea that it’s a-okay to use and manipulate people for personal gain….

              The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, indeed.

          • More evidence that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Your mother-in-law sounds like a real treat (and probably part of the source of the problem).

            Vote–how many of you had cheaters who were also momma’s boys? (or daddy’s special little girls?)

            Me! Me!

            • Momma’s boy for sure! She is a real bitch too and picked on me throughout our whole marriage with her insults and not so subtle digs. And he NEVER saw it. I was “making too much out of it”. I never came first. Boy was I chumpy.

              • My MIL was part of the mindfuck. Whenever she came stbx was on his best behavior, his disdain for me took a more distant tone mingled with taking on more housework. She always had some kind of mean remark stated laughingly or sneeringly. Their family always talked negatively about others. I felt so uncomfortable with their constant slander stated in a pseudo-psychological manner–like they know the low-down and reasons why others are the way they are—gross. They never talked once about themselves honestly.

                MIL, a woman in her 70s, would go on and on about how abused she was as a child (of 7 and 8 years old and into her 20s) the first two years I met her, Never once did she ask, “how are you?” It was so draining to always listen to her, a woman in her 70s speak about how her mother threw out a cushion she and her ex husband left there without consulting them, how her mother reprimanded her for buying the wrong cottage cheese, how her mother was a recluse. At first I was empathic—but after a year of this I thought—if this is all she can speak on—she really needs help.

                Then after two years of this she became only condescending. Once I told stbx that I prefer not to be around at her visit, and he said that she would feel bad about that. I stayed and suffered through her going on and on about how great her kids are, subtly criticizing my parenting and excluding me from conversation by talking of things that only her son would know about and not making eye contact. Yep, that is her son and in many ways her daughter.

                I can’t believe I stayed around for that shit for one minute let alone 10 years (7 in marriage). The sadness of those years sometimes overwhelms me.

              • My XH family are all dysfunctional. i never knew how dysfunctional because when i started dating him they all were NOWHERE around. not his crack whore sisters or brothers. not his mom and his dad had past.

                i am not sure if my XH was a mama’s boy or not when he was younger. it seems to me that he was the one that everyone turned to. i thought it was because he was the stable one. HA! he is just as crazy as they are, he just hid it better.

                i didnt met my XH mom unitl we were together 2 years. he said he hadnt seen her for like 10 years. then she suddenly just came over to my house (he moved in with me) it should have been my first clue, because first of all how did this crazy lady know where i lived……of course because my XH had apparently been talking to her and he NEVER let me know. (ugh! just thought about that right now!!!! he was hiding shit from me from the very beginning!!!) anyhow, i get home from work and there is she. i was pregnant with his first kid and as far as i knew she hadnt seen him for 10 years. idk where XH was, i think he was working on her car and went to buy a part, my eldest daughter was home watching the kids until i got home. so he wasnt there when i got there. i was sitting there, huge baby belly, and all this woman could talk about was herself!!! how her sister stole her purse, and she knew it was the sister because nobody else was there, how sick she was, how whatever. i remember sitting there wondering if she was ever going to ask me about her son, if she was ever going to ask the basic get to know you questions that most people ask so she could find out more about me, the woman who married her son, hell, i was wondering if she was even going to ask about the baby in my belly, you know when is it due, do i know what it is, have we picked out a name…..nope. not a single question about my baby, or me or even XH. i thought at first that maybe she was just nervous and maybe shy…..but after 4 hours of talking to her, i figured out that she just didnt really care to ask those questions because she didnt really care about who i was, when the baby was due (she already had grandchildren from her other kids), or even about XH.

                after MIL left, promising XH she would come by more now that she moved back, and promising to bring something for the baby, and for us to be sure and let her know when it was born. and telling XH that her new husband loves XH like a son and he needed to call her new husband. (WTF!!! XH never met the guy) she jumped in her car and left and we didnt see or hear from her again in over 2 or 3 years. i remember just holding on to him and hugging him and i told him that i was sorry about his mother. he didnt know what i meant, so i said she was here for 4 hours and NEVER even asked what you have done in your life. he just shrugged. i felt so badly for him.

                MIL continued to be crazy. she would have a random person call my XH. someone XH did not know, and tell him that he better come to oklahoma quickly because mom was in the hospital and doesnt look like she was going to make it. and hang up. hell…we didnt even know what TOWN in oklahoma MIL was in much less what hospital but he would get all worked up, wanting to jump in the truck and leave that minute. i called every hospital in that last town he knew she was at, she wasnt there.

                another time, she herself called my XH, telling him he needed to come take care of her because she cant use her legs or her hands at all and she was ALL by herself. he told me that he wanted to go. i was like what. he had to go take care of his mom. so i asked him was she by herself, he said yes, i told you that. i said but she called you and he said yes, you just heard me on the phone with her. and i said but she cant use her legs or her hands, again, he angrily said yes, i told you all this, that is why i have to go take care of her. so i calmly said “XH if she cant use her legs or her hands, and she is all by herself, then how is it that she was able to pick up the phone, dial the numbers to call you in the first place” dead stop because he was pacing, and panicking. needless to say he didnt go.

                but still the craziness of a mother who would do this to her kids. every so often one of his siblings would report something like that. i just never understood it. but by that time we were married and i had his son. and i stupidly and foolish thought he was different.

              • Goodmazel, I could have written your first paragraph. My ex MIL was an armchair psychiatrist in the extreme. Problem was that she was always wrong. Every one of her children is divorced now but one and it was always all the ex spouses fault. I heard what they said about these exs and I can only imagine what’s been said about me. Ex MIL is one of the nastiest narcissistic people I’ve ever met. They portrayed themselves as The Waltons and swept all their dirty little secrets under the rug. Right after my beloved Mom passed I heard through the family grapevine about a bunch of nasty stuff my ex MIL said about her and when confronted she admitted it, said she shouldn’t have said it, but never said she was sorry.

                One of the most hurtful things my EH did was hire my niece’s fiancé to represent him in our divorce. This niece was my flower girl and I had sat beside her fiancé talking last Christmas Eve. But hey, the price was right. And I’m absolutely certain it was my ex MIL’s idea.

            • Mama’s boy for sure. I’m convinced she played a role in his deciding to leave me, and condoning the EA. A week after he moved out of our home (and in with his parents, ew), I got a card from the MIL saying that the breakup must be very painful for me, as it was for him. Yeah, right. He wasn’t feeling any pain the day he went into the therapist’s office right after he broke up with me for good. According to the therapist, he was on Cloud 9 about his Schmoopie. Makes me ill. I’ve gone NC with the lot of his FOO sorry asses.

              • Not a mamas boy, but my mil thinks she’s married to my h. Ew. She is the queen bee of narcissism, she cut me out of the marriage, told me my role on several occasions. But she’s not impressive or domineering, just pathetic. When I pointed it out to h and to his sister (with whom I have a close relationship), they both looked at me like I was crazy. “But she loves you, she’d never do that to you. She’s our best friend and yours too.” They didn’t defend, but they clearly did not know any other kind of mothering. Until she thought my h and sil were plotting against her a few months ago – for the first time ever, they actually saw. She started trying to kiss my h on the lips among other nutty shit, triangulation all over – and he flipped out. He and his sister have both apologized to me.

                But to be fair, the cruelest monsters are never obvious. Anyone North of the usa border following a certain story about a fired cbc radio personality, once very beloved by women for his progressive views, and his sexual messes? Npd and has been getting away with crazy ass shit for a very long time. It’s been 3 wks or so since the story broke and he has yet to offer an explanation or announce he’s getting help – why would he? He’s done nothing wrong, all these women he (contentedly) assaulted are ganging up on him to hurt his reputation. Even his pr firm dropped him, a first. Sorry about the tangent, just finished reading up on it and my fascination with narcissism is constantly fed. Google Jian Gomeshi – a lot of things will hit home, hard.

            • The ex was so rude to his own mother all the time, but nobody could hold a candle to her. She really did overcome a lot of crap to be a good mother to him and his sister when the father walked out and paid no CP. He said he was grateful, and he should have been, but other than compare me and my mothering unfavorably to her constantly, I never saw him be kind and loving to her. And he complained bitterly about how she’d wronged him–by implying he wasn’t a real man, by giving his sister more than she gave him (never mind that she was very generous to us when we needed it.) He bought a sailboat and named it after her, which I thought was really weird.
              And he left me for a blonde, like his mother. Both his birth mother and adopted mothers are blonde, as are all the many women he unsuccessfully (I think) pursuded through our entire relationship. (I know–I’m a chump–never saw it coming, even as he told me from day 1 that he wanted someone else.)
              Still, xMIL is a victim all the time, and now he is, too. And she discarded me right quick, though I was kind and supportive to her.

              Eh, c’est la vie.

            • My STBX’s mother, if you could call her that, sort a a uterus with legs was more like it, favored him.

              She was the most passive, self obsessed, useless, vaporous woman you have ever met. The stories I could tell about what a non human she was. She wasn’t mean per say but she just wasn’t there. But sins of omission are sins just the same. Her son is much like her. She could only really stand to be with people for about 2 hours and then she had to hide, like her cats. She is dead now and when she died no one was sad because it wasn’t like she had been a person for most of her life. So as my STBX grows older, he becomes more and more like her. I have a whole bunch of her shit in the garage, either my STBX takes it when he moves or into the dumpster it goes. Rambling but SO MUCH HAPPIER without either of them in my life.

            • Tempest, his mother was/is a piece of work! The whole family, blames other people with anything and everything and they can never do any wrong. I am so happy that I don’t have to deal with these disordered freaks anymore. I know what they are and I consider myself very lucky that I walked away when I did without incurring more losses.

          • nicolette, these people are apologists and enablers. So glad you got rid of him and them right along with him!

            my cheater’s sister, only a week after DDay, said to me, “I am so happy for him as he begins this new chapter in his life!” (gushing as she said it). WTF? and she also recommended a couple of books for me, one on “extra sensitive people” and informed me that he and she were both “extra sensitive people”, the implication being that I hadn’t treated cheater kindly enough; and a book on “women and aging.” can’t believe these self serving narcs and their twisted enabling families.

            • Oh my!! Were you not tempted to beat her to a pulp with both books? I might fork over $20 to send her an Amazon gift about how to reform yourself if you’re an as*hole.

            • Yes they are Margaret and thank you. I am glad we all got rid of them! 🙂

              My cheaters sister acted like it was no big deal and yapped behind my back with the whole family, joking with others how bitter that I am (unforgiving), so what if her brother got some on the side, that’s what men do and it’s in the past. THEN 8 months later, she found out her husband of almost 2 decades, the father of her 3 children has been cheating on her with some chick from the gym. She was extremely upset ( I thought that’s what men do and so what he got some on the side right?) that he could betray and humiliate her like this! Many knew for months and oh the humiliation she felt! She hated him, kids hated him, her whole family hated him! Which is funny my serial cheating ex hated him and was upset too. She wanted to work it out and the hubby said NO, moved out, got a new place, nicely decorated and have sex with MOW freely now. MOW husband is devastated from what I hear. So his sister went and hooked up with someone she knew from years ago, through Facebook. This guy is married too and going through divorce now but hiding their relationship from everyone because his STBXW was/is the bread winner and I got a feeling my cheaters sister would be his next meal ticket, from her divorce settlement. That’s the mentality my cheater and his family has. Oh btw both his sister and her husband still shows as married on Facebook, that’s what I was told since I blocked all of them and can’t see them and they can’t see me.

              You should not allow your cheater’s sister in your life either. She truly is a piece of shit, just like her brother! And she is sensitive?? That’s a good one! You didn’t treat your cheater kindly enough? WOW! Wasn’t it enough he lived off of you and exploited you for all that time and stole your years? And IMO she needs to take those books and shove it where the sun don’t shine! These people sure are twisted!

          • I’m still in twilight zone being blamed for kicking him out of my house and “breaking his heart” (he’s heartless BTW) he’s turned this whole sick story on me!!!

            • Twilight zone…alternate universe…down the rabbit-hole. They all fit cheater logic. After I threw him out of the house, my cheater called me “anti-family” because he & my daughter were planning a great Christmas this year and now I had ruined it.

              I had to remind him that almost 8 years ago to the day, he had called started his affair and just before Thanksgiving that year, asked for a divorce and break up the family so he could keep getting his rocks off with a co-ed on her twin bed.

              [Had I known of the affair, I wouldn’t have accepted his “changed my mind about the divorce.” Just found evidence of the affair from 8 years ago on Sept. 11th this year. Fitting, eh?]

              • Exactly Tempest, and I bet there were others, because as you know cheating is never a one time thing, this is the only one you found out about..

  • Can’t those things (boomerangs) hurt you if you’re in the way when they come back? Aren’t they, like, weapons? Just checking.

    Kind of relieved mine would never, since he’s found his Left-Coast bliss with Mi$$, or rather Mr$. Narcissa Parkinsons. Park-Narc? (Never thought I would make fun of somebody with a terrible disease, but there ya go. Never thought I would be a chump either.)

    • Sometimes people with terrible diseases are terrible people. It’s not karma, just statistics. Glorious statistics.

      • Indeed! (I even used to teach statistics & research methods…) I loved that convo we had a while back on the grad student’s methodology–it’s what determines whether info is useful, or not, no?

  • HIM: “You don’t appreciate me!! Nothing is ever good enough for you!!”
    ME: “What is it that you do?”
    HIM: “I don’t leave you.”

    All mine folks, back off, he’s all mine. Well … not anymore 🙂

    • Ugh, I had flashbacks with the “Nothing is ever good enough for you” comment. I remember mine saying that, and how badly that hurt my feelings because it simply wasn’t true. I liked our little life, the only thing I ever complained about was my job because I hate it (still do, go figure THAT is the thing that stayed.) He was the one who complained about EVERYTHING.

      • Mine too. Big fucking whiner…about EVERYTHING. Didn’t like his friends, but wouldn’t try to make new ones. Was bored, but refused to go anywhere and try anything new. “You know I need to be convinced!!!” and “You should have tried harder to help me!!” Was what I heard when I would make suggestions and he’d shoot them down. BIggest fucking baby ever! I hope he was that for Halloween – i gigantic diaper and a pacifier in his mouth to shut his gigantic, whining piehole.

      • “Nothing is ever good enough for you.”

        Page 1 of the Cheater Handbook. Mine read it, too. Sub-section: “You never had any faith in me.”

        Mmmm…well, actually, I had way TOO MUCH faith in him.

        Buh-bye! The new woman thinks you’re perfect! Enjoy!

      • What is with that!?!?!?!……..i lost count the number of times he would say that to me “nothing i do is ever good enough for you”. and like you all i was confused as hell because i NEVER said anything (even was it really wasnt good enough for me) i loved him too much to hurt his feelings by saying something he did or tried to do was crappy and done half ass. even thou that is exactly why he did it that way in the first place…..i totally think that is HIS feelings about himself. HE was the one who thought that nothing he did was good enough for me because most of the time HE KNEW he wasnt putting force his best effort into something i asked him to. He also knew that i could do it better then the shit he did PLUS i knew people who would do it better too…

        but in my defense….i actually NEVER EVER said anything out loud to him. i even told him once, so he gave me some bullshit line that he can see it in my face, REALLY,,,,i believe i was smiling the biggest, cheesest, smile i could and basically on my fucking knees telling you THANK YOU for FINALLY doing something i needed done months ago. i made it a point to always show him HOW MUCH I Appreciated him and the things he done cuz he was always bitching how i dont appreciate him, or i dont notice the good things he does (i didnt notice the bad things either thou) and that…nothing he does is good enough.

        i made sure to go overboard with appreciation……ironically THAT wasnt GOOD ENOUGH for HIM!!! in the end, i got tired of hearing it so i just agreed. yep, your right. the look of shock on his face….priceless

  • I received the same treatment and to this day, my STBX makes me out to be the home wrecker because, hey he wasn’t going to leave me for his GF, he just needed to see if he “still had feelings for her” by taking a romantic Caribbean cruise for a week. All those times had told me I had “30 days to change or he would leave me?” He didn’t mean it, he just wanted to “wake me up.” Speaking about me to me in past tense like I was dead, nope he didn’t do that either. Even the MC elder at our church put the guilt trip in me by saying “well he must love you, he is still here.”

    • I gota lot of that “i didn’t mean it” or “we all say mean things when we’re angry”! Funny thing is i am still struggling through those mean things said so flippantly.

      • When he tried to come back after AP left him, I asked, “What about all of those hateful things you said to me, all of the reasons why you hated me?” and he said, “Well, I didn’t mean it.”

        I’m like you HM, I still struggle with those things said.

        • Yeah, I made it very clear that there was no coming back this time so I didn’t hear that BS, but I definitely think I would have had he been able to come back. I would have liked to repeat back to him all of the horrible things he said to me and ask about each one although I know from experience that he would just say things like “I don’t remember that”, “that’s not how it happened”, “It’s not that big of a deal”, “you’re over-reacting”, “you shouldn’t get so upset about this”, and “I was hurt”. An exercise in futility I’d say.

          • HM I still struggle with the hurtful things that were said, too. I remember them do clearly and he could never remember saying any of the hurtful things to me either. When he was love bombing me trying to get me to come back to him, it was hard to not get swept away. What really helped me is this: my lawyer told me to record his verbal abuse for my court case. Whenever I felt weak, I would go back and listen to the hate he spewed whenever he was in a RAGE. It worked like a charm. I knew he would revert back to RAGE and that kept me resolved. In my marriage, I got to the point I quit sharing ANYTHING personal with him. No matter if it was trivial. Knowledge is power. If he knew anything I cared about or (God forbid) anything I was insecure about, it was used as verbal ammunition for his next RAGE. He noticed too. He would say, ” you don’t tell me anything anymore.” That part was hard for me because I’m naturally open. It was hard for me to share a life with someone I couldn’t share personal things with

            • Yes MmmHumm! I also am too open and loving. I will now record him and save his evil text messages to remind me of his true cruel mindfucking self…and stop sharing with him.
              He has now convinced himself that he is so very patient with me and explains to me as if to a child all my gross misinterpretations of his actions. After all he is not a boomerang cheater, he was put on this earth to help me and teach me. Those girls were just a figment of my imagination.

            • I wish I could get the things my ex said the day he left out of my mind. He said “we never had anything in common but the kids,” and as he was walking out the door he said “when I look in my future, YOU’RE not in it” as if I was nothing more than a worn out shoe after all those years. What a punch in the gut. My minister told me that if I ever had second thoughts about my ex to just remember his last sentence.

              If anyone has had success rewriting a last conversation with your ex, or otherwise getting those cruel sayings out of your head, I’d love to hear about it.

              • Lyn, do not grant others the power to hurt you. I choose how I feel. Does it matter what others think of me?!?! My ex at 46 gleefully shared on his way out, “Every Thing About My Life Was Perfect… Except For You.” In twenty years he constantly complained about his job, his loser friends, his coworkers, the crazy hours he worked, his paycheck, his inability to balance his life out, his fear of dying, his boss, etc etc etc ad nauseam. Guess what though he never once complained about his family. Not to me anyway 🙂 although I am sure he began to devalue us when he began his affair. In fact there’s a glowing article in our little paper about his perfect supportive family dated two weeks before dday. So I think the disordered not only rewrite history but they say all those Cheater things as a way to save face. They have destroyed the marriage and They’re really not so bad after all so if they can conjure up falsehoods to make themselves feel better they will. In all honesty what my ex should have said on his way out was, “I had a great life with you but now I’ve decided to fuck you over because I have messed this up beyond repair. I will run off with my Schmoopie because she makes me and my penis feel good. Oh and by the way having a family no longer makes sense at all because I don’t want to be responsible. Emotionally, or financially. It is all too much for me.” In other words, “I want my life to be all about ME.” He doesn’t love anyone else, Lyn. He is incapable of that. Now, “Every Thing About My Life Was Perfect…Except For You,” takes on a whole new meaning if you understand what disordered people do– projection anyone? Lyn, your beautiful self was wasted in that marriage. Now close your eyes and take a moment to look at your life absent your ex. It is better now, isn’t it?

              • Lyn

                I’ve followed your comments for many months and felt for you. We have similar situations — 25+ years of marriage; more than 30 together. I know how it feels to be treated like yesterday’s garbage, and wanted to share how I’ve successfully tuned out those horrible last words.

                1. First by really getting who he is. After 2 years of heavy counseling and reading Dr. Simon’s and several other narc books, I now believe I understand him better than he understands himself.

                All of that has led to a change in my perspective. I now know he simply is not capable. I have lowered my expectations of him, and importantly, can apply this lower standard to his past behavior. My counselor wisely said, “do you expect empathy from a 3 year old?” That– and CL’s constant ” trust that they suck” poundings — helped me finally get it.

                2. Letting go of the fantasy you had of the relationship. All of it!

                3. (As said by Drew: You are in control of your thoughts!) Making your own words, thoughts and grasp on reality more powerful than Anything he has ever said or done to you. My first counselor recommended writing out the story of the marriage, with the conclusion You create. Not that you’d discard what happened, but maybe by writing it out, it would help settle in your mind that all that happened was the ultimate result of his character.

                I can look back and see so many examples of abuse. It all makes a sick sort of sense once you get who they are. This has helped me let go of the pain and impact of his hateful , horrendous words and actions.

                4. A Tony Robbins trick:
                Whenever you have a negative thought that seems ever-present, turn it into a movie in your mind.

                At first the movie screen is close, large and in color.

                Change the screen: make it black and white; make it smaller and smaller as you push it away, until it’s just a tiny dot.

                Then replace that large color screen with something positive and happy!!

                5. In addition to reading here almost since CL’s blog started (lucky me to have found it shortly after DDay), I’ve found the book Radical Acceptance to be very helpful in reinforcing my new life, and in keeping me on track with the fact that I am bigger — you are bigger — than our cheaters’ BS. Any and all of it!

                The author also gives weekly talks that are available free online at http://www.tarabrach.com. To fill my brain with something other than my obsessive thoughts and pain, I started listening every day since he moved out last July. That has been a godsend, especially at night.

                You’ve already done so well for yourself Lyn. Hugs and best wishes!!

              • Yeah, I agree with the others. The fact that he said those things should repel you. That is not the kind of person you want to be with. I made a list of all of the horrible things and just read it over and over. Then I realized that never, not to my worst enemy would I have said any of those things. Which helped me realize that it was he who was disordered not me.

    • Moaklis,

      That’s awful! What was that MC elder thinking?! Last time I checked, loving one’s wife does not include treating her with contempt or taking a romantic cruise with another woman. Not to mention that whole “forsaking all others” seems to preclude having a GF on the side. If that elder was truly godly, he would have confronted your husband reminding him that he settled the issue with the OW the day he married you. Too bad the MC elder lacked the backbone and wisdom to do the right thing!

      DM

      • I am having difficulty getting over the fact that the church elders were more worried about keeping my family intact than they were about the abuse my husband doled out on me and my sons, emotional verbal and physical. Before his affair, we saw some of the elders and counselors because of how abusive my STBX was to my oldest son. When I told one elder how scared I was when my H kicked a door in on me and my son, the elder looked at H and said “stop scaring your wife.” Next time my H kicked a door in on me, my H told me he did not have to keep that promise he made to the elder because I was not allowed to walk away from him. The MC elder knew about the abusive behavior but made it sound like I could control it and keep it from happening. Then the affair happened, I told the MC elder that I was going to divorce my H, he reacted like he was angry and told me how hard divorce is. That has haunted me ever since and just his reaction has kept me second guessing myself even though I know it is the right decision. Now my husband has got a lawyer and is going to fight me about the divorce settlement, I would like to ask the church for help, but I don’t have any hope they will support me. I still attend the same church and no one has checked in on me from the eldership or ministers. I feel like I have a scarlet D on me.

        • Moaklis, You need to surround yourself with kindred spirits. These people and this church do not fit this criteria. If these people don’t understand and support you then find those who will. Abuse anywhere is a deal breaker.

        • Moaklis,
          the treatment you have recieved from your church comes under many titles but to put in plain english, it is bullshit.
          My church elders did the same to me even though STBX confessed what he had done,(which was a lot) to them, they still tried to minimise, blame shift, intimidate, control and judge (me) which left me reeling for weeks on how I was going to cope. The head spin and constant internal struggle almost ate me whole. This was compounded when my daughter was diagnosed with a serious illnes only a month after d’day. When I stood up for myself against eldership they spoke in cliche`s and cliped tones as though I was the one that needed to be delt with as I was not towing their party line. The end result was me seeking somewhere to fellowship that would allow me breathing space and healing, coupled with practical help especially with my kids.

          I would not inflict on my worst enemy what was done to me by church eldership follow d’day as it just made the situation worse than it needed to be and left me confussed and hurt.

          I am not dumb at 42 years of age having been a christian by choice for 22 of those years I knew my scriptures I knew what was expected in marriage and I live by that. My STBX did not dispite his being raised and living as a christian his whole life (heck he even set himself as the spiritual bench mark that people should aspire to including myself). But when you trust people to have your back and stand up for you(to be as Christ for you) when others abuse you and instead they walk away or in what appears to be in your case, throw you under the bus. This is not healthy and I would advise you to locate people you can trust who will support you not just in the day to day but also spiritually.

          because as Drew put it ‘abuse anywhere is a deal breaker”

          Stay strong and in the times when you feel as like you cant stand any longer find someone who is willing to stand for you.

          Bless you and your family

    • MC’s are the worst… The first time we went, the MC said, do not cry so much when he verbally abuses you. It is annnoying and he can’t talk to you once he calms down because you are crying.

      So I stopped crying when he was vicious… my kids learned from this, that dad’s behavior didn’t bother mom so much, so it didn’t bother them so much. It is just want dad does.

      Then the last MC characterized his vicious rages as ‘flooding’. I kid you not. He threatened to kill me and the MC’s didn’t think that was a big deal either. I wanted just one of them to say to him, you better knock that shit off. Not one.

      In any other relationship, professionally, as friends etc, a person who behaved as he does would be fired… but their is still that unerlying sexism and subservience to the man that permeates how all of the industrial marriage counseling complex works. I believe it comes from biblical shit and the fact that for so many years women couldn’t or didn’t support themselves or their children so it was all designed to keep her from poverty. (If you look at Victorian novels or dramas, the outcomes for those women were the poor house/death sentence.) But we have come a long way baby and now the MC’s and the men in our world need to catch up.

      Also with regard to our son’s we need to follow Gloria Steinham sp advice. ‘Women don’t raise your sons to be men, raise them to be the men you would want to marry.’ I did.

      • Ringin-he threatened to kill you and they dismissed that?! WTF? I had a mom in crisis and the domestic abuse shelter wouldn’t take her for emotional abuse UNTIL he verbally threatened to kill her. I hated that she was in that position though at the same time relieved because it finally got her out. All other leads proved to be dead ends and her only hope of getting out was the domestic abuse shelter. So the domestic abuse shelters see a death threat as valid but MCs don’t? What the hell???

        • Yup… that is what happened. Beside the whole misogynist thing they have going on, I think there is an economic motivation to MC’s approach to these situations. If when they heard this shit, they said to the offender, “What kind of asshole are you? and I don’t know why your spouse is still with you…” I know my STBX would have raged, gone straight home and never set foot in the MC’s office again. So their goes the $$$ to the MC.

          • Not taking action on a verbal threat to your life would more likely be an ethical violation of their job. MCs are mandated reporters, just like pastors, educators, nurses etc. To dismiss a verbal threat like that directly violates mandated reporting. There should have been a call made, a report filed and follow up done. You could report the MC and I’d suggest you do just that if you can.

  • I didn’t have this problem with my STBX. Instead he told me he was divorcing me for the college girlfriend that he thought he had loved forever. Fun to hear after 30 years of marriage, right? In any case, once we separated and I got my head screwed on straight, I eventually bought an apartment. You should have seen his face when I told him that I’d found a great place! It was a look that I can’t even describe — part fear, part jealousy, part sad. Now nearly 5 months after I’ve moved into my home and the divorce is coming to completion, it occured to me that the reason for his jaw-drop was because he thought he’d have me in the background, so when Honey Boob Boob wasn’t around, he could waltz in and out of my life and I’d be willing to see him because I would be so sad and lonely. No way…I’ve got my own place and doing things quite nicely on my own. He’s not going to get his cake and he doesn’t know how to deal with that! I’ve taken control of my life and he’s never seen that side of me! Life is too short to not move forward!

    • “You should have seen his face when I told him that I’d found a great place! It was a look that I can’t even describe — part fear, part jealousy, part sad.”

      I saw that exact same look when XH broke the news that he was remarrying, and I just smiled and said, “Congratulations!”

      Whatever response he was expecting, that wasn’t it. Crying, yelling, rolling around on the floor in a fetal position – I’m sure he envisioned it all. But polite disinterest? Not so much.

      I laughed all the way home… (Thanks, CL!)

  • Oh yes. I got endless renditions of “I do love you” which I was supposed to accept as fact despite a decade of fucking strippers on every monthly business trip out of state, $80,000+ stolen from me and my children and the countless hours of family time spent viewing porn. Right… And the Sad Sausage Aria: I said I was sorry but you just won’t forget about it you mean spirited grudge holder. You make me feel BAD about myself and I just can’t have that.

    • I really think it’s the ‘you make me feel bad about me’ shit that is so hilarious yet so pathetic. My ex SHOULD feel bad about himself but since he can’t stand to think he is anything less than perfect (he still frets, to this day, that I make fun of him. I do) he won’t be around anyone who might hold him accountable.

      • Hilarious and pathetic. Exactly. But also kind of brilliant.

        In my first marriage, whenever there was minor tension in the house over pretty ordinary household issues my ex-wife would often cry out, “I am not a fuck up!” and imply that I was calling her that and making her feel bad about herself. Then I would spend 30 minutes assuring her I was only trying to work out a minor issue and that I thought she was the smartest, nicest, most brilliant person in the world.

        I’ve come to see that “you make me feel bad about me” gambit as relationship jujitsu to convert potential shame for some failure (large or small) into sympathy and praise. Sometimes just floored that I didn’t see that even over the course of 22 years.

        My whole first marriage was an emotional knife fight to which I brought cheerleader pom-poms.

              • I was such a good chump that when my ex kept saying “I’m a bad person,” I tried to reassure him that he was a good person. He was sobbing so much and acting so bizarre it was really tugging at my heartstrings. This was before I knew full truth about MOW, though. Now I wish I’d have just agreed with him.

        • How strange, Nomar. My ex used to do something similar. If I brought up some seemingly minor issue that I wanted to iron out he would get upset and say, ‘You’re just saying I’m a terrible person.’ Well no, I wasn’t. I was saying that there was a minor issue that I wanted to discuss and iron out. Looking back it all seems to strange. How hard is it to talk about simple issues and sort them?

          • Yeah, I think part of it is an inability to handle criticism, but I think at least in the case of my ex there was also a very cold-blooded, manipulative calculation to such statements. It wasn’t too “hard” for her to talk about simple issues and sort them out. It’s that she didn’t want to. And this was a tactic she used to shut that shit down.

            • Yes, I experienced this too. My ex would go into a fit whenever I asked to sit down and do budgeting, or talk about how disconnected I felt to him. He would behave as though I were telling him that he was a bad person. I could NEVER understand this because I acted kind.

              Isn’t it part of life to figure out problems? Shouldn’t we be working on this together? Would not that make us closer? Why was he interpreting me to say he was bad? Then he would quickly change to: how dare I imply that he was bad or not good enough? WHAT?! Narc jujitsu is right. I did not stand a chance. I was exhausted by the mind fuck. He slowly corroded my ability to act based on my feelings and I shut down my feelings I needed to make good judgments.

              Where I was implicated in this is that I constantly tried to make him feel better and I talked to crazy. I tried and tried and tried to change the way he perceived what I was saying to be an honest account of what I was saying. But it was not about honesty, it was about manipulation for him.

              I think that is my greatest lesson: I will never convince anyone about what my intentions and are when they are hell bent on skewing them. The thing to do with those people is to move away: to say ‘whatever.’

              If others want to act as though I am saying something I am not—they will, no matter what I say. I can speak out to simply tell my truth, but can never change minds, and why should I anyway? What a colossal waste of life.Never what I though a relationship should be, never what I wanted. Oh well. Live and learn.

          • Because they are narcs and anything and everything is perceived of as criticism. Mine was the same way, “Could we talk about picking child x up at school on Tuesday?” You would have though I had said, “I am going to boil you in oil and feed what’s left to the sharks.” It is about control and doing exactly what they want when they want it. It is not just CAKE in the relationship… it is CAKE every day in every way. All part of the ClusterBFuckers syndrome.

            • “CAKE every day in every way” So simply brilliantly stated, Ringinmyownbell. Yes, so exhausting, when even small crap was a big deal.

    • I was telling XH that it had taken me six years to swallow the sh*t sandwich he’d shoved down my throat, and that the only thing worse than being sick and taking care of sick children was being emotionally devastated and taking care of emotionally devastated children.

      His response?

      “Well, it hasn’t been easy for me, either!”

      To which I said, “Don’t you dare whine to me about how YOU got hurt! You’re the one who caused this whole mess!”

      He quickly changed the subject…

      • CLASSIC!

        Cheater causes pain for his/her family, then wants to talk about how hard it’s been for the cheater. Just classic.
        Completely unable to think outside his or her own head.
        Navel-gazing freaks–the lot of them.

      • After DDay #2 and disclosure of YEARS of fucking strippers, my H would always tell me he felt like he was at the bottom of a deep hole with no way to climb out. This is after I told him specifically and repeatedly what steps he could take to try to win back my trust. I finally had a light bulb moment and turned his sad little metaphor upside down. I had thrown a hammer, a saw, boards and nails down in his hole. All he had to do was build himself a ladder. Instead he chose to build himself a nice little shelter and stay put. That was not my problem. I gave him the tools. It was his choice how he used them. That ended any sense of responsibility I felt for the poor sausage. Of course now I wish I’d thrown the hammer a little harder and with better aim. 🙂

        • “Of course now I wish I’d thrown the hammer a little harder and with better aim”

          I love it and me too!!! :)))))

  • Before I knew the truth I would say “where were you? I never know where you are. You never tell me where you are or when you will be home”. She would answer “i always come home don’t I”

  • I had a massive D-Day on March 11,2014 … turns out he had multiple affairs over our 8 year marriage, I didn’t know about any… his story was “But I only love you and you can’t give me sex everyday so I had to find it elsewhere, but I never loved them and I only want you!”

    Kicked him out on his arse… and had all the STD etc tests… turns out he was on all the websites and couldn’t even remember the number of woman there were so many… divorced his stupid revolting self in July.

    How can another human do that to someone else? I know it says more about him etc but battling with the betrayal.

    • It’s been 3 years since I discovered my ex had cheated on me for years, with a variety of hobags, some of whom knew me. I still wonder, at times, how anyone could behave that way. And then I remember I’ll never understand because it’s not who I am and it’s not who I will ever be. I’m pretty happy about that.

    • Your cheater was, in one way, like the Grinch–a heart two (twenty?) sizes too small. However, the Grinch obtains insight, empathy, and changes his behavior. These character-disordered cheaters can never develop empathy or change their behavior.

    • Stories so similar shared marraige, my d day was march 9 2014… 10 years of marriage , two kids .. Lied about his details of his confession if cheating to protect his job. Turns out it was his coworker at his same branch location and it was not just a spur of the moment one night stand..since the phone records prove that they had been talking frequently for three months before !!he confessed cus he had std symptoms , we got tested and negative , turns out it was only a uti for him. After that I dug into emails and found other coworkers from past jobs he was in love with .. Stemming back 7?years ago !!! I filed for divorce in June as well , he was out the house in August and now waiting to go thru the final divorce process to get this over with . I don’t know how people can do this to other people ..it’s discusting

  • How about “I can live someplace else and date you?” Or “Maybe after the divorce we’ll get back together?” Not happening! This Bakery’s Closed!

    • Wha ha ha! Oh I had those too… “please can I date you and show you how much I love you” UM NEVER EVER EVER!!!!

      • Hahaha! I told my cheater ExH I would date him after the divorce, but I had no intentions of it. I only said it to get him to sign the papers. I would have said anything to get him to sign them. Was it mean? Probably. He treated me like a game. I just showed him how it was played

  • I caught my cheater ex after 25 years of marriage, during most of which he was obviously leading a double life. At the time I caught him he had been having decades-plus long individual affairs, group sex, etc with 2 co-workers……..ewwwww! On D-Day, when I asked him what he could have been thinking, he simply said over and over, “I just always thought we would be together.” To which I replied, “how many of us???”

    • I heard a similar line from my cheating xh when I filed for divorce and prepared to move out: “I thought we were going to grow old together”. This was after 26 years of marriage when I confronted him about his ongoing affair with MOW and he was still lying to me about it. WTF is wrong with these people?

      • OMG–I just heard that yesterday hours after I filed, “I thought I would be with you as I was dying.” My first thought? “That can be arranged sooner than you think.”

        [Just realized I”m about to post a second comment today about the murder of my spouse–no need to alert the authorities, it’s pure catharsis!]

        • Not to worry, Tempest! Chump Nation IS the Authority!

          Yeah, I always say it is a good day because ‘I haven’t killed anyone today’! with ‘tongue-in-cheek’…….

          You are in good company…….However, Chumps are far too smart to risk jail time for the likes of these cheaters, so none of us would actually do the ‘dirty deed’! (nor hire it done, either….that’s just as wrong)

          Forge on, Nation…….Loving all the brilliant comments and posts, as usual…….

    • ” How many of us?” Great retort KellyOne – and I think sums up the cake eating of cheaters. Like the toddlers they are, they’d don’t want to choose one toy – they want all the toys! “I want Teddy and Dolly and Flopsy and on…” And when they ‘lose’ one toy, that’s the favourite toy they must find. So when we spouse toys leave…it’s not fair and all our fault for getting lost.

      A year out, my XH has trolled me on Twitter. Even though he still has the OW playing nicely in the background. An account specially set up to find his lost spouse toy. He found me and sent ( drunken) tweets. I ignored. He’s blocked. I’m still lost to him.

  • Yeah, ex said he would never have left or divorced me but I made it impossible to work things out due to ‘my behaviour’ following dday. This horrible behaviour would be that I told people he had been cheating on him for years. I’m a terrible terrible person for not keeping up the pre tense.

    • HAHAHA. I didn’t know what that was and I googled it. Yes, comforting to know that they will always bring their diseases back home to you = that’s REAL love right there!

      • Methicilin (sp?) Resistant staphylococcus Aureus. I did a research paper about it and VRSA (this bug is resistant to Vancomycin) a while back. Scary shit I tell ya and the reason why getting surgery in hospitals is getting more dangerous by the hour. Still not as scary as cheater BS though.

  • All of this has been my experience too. Right now we are at the martyr phase while I finish organizing bits.The narrative will most likely go down as he tried and tried and tried, but I could not or would not budge on forgiving him..blah blah blah.

    He has already begun the blame shifting campaign of me ruining our kids’ lives if I quit holding onto his lies. I stopped that shit and told him the moment he decided to bail on our marriage and turn everything into a nonstop Jerry Springer episode, was the moment HE CHOSE to destroy our kids’ lives.

    At this moment I hear a lot of ” you dismiss me….you rationalize….you….you….you”. Again, I stopped that shit and asked him to think HARD about his statements of HIS behavior thrown onto me. There is so much twisting of the truth and manipulation it is difficult to not keep from screaming.daily. Consequently, I stay out of the house. I hate being around him alone. I have reoccurring dreams he is choking me. Emotionally I KNOW he is.

    • Be careful, I had recurring dreams, same exact one of my ex attacking me, and he did it after I told him we were divorcing. I believe that was my long buried intuition trying desperately to be heard.

  • “You seem to put an inordinate amount of the blame for this situation on me.” Uh, well, maybe yeah.

    Wasn’t there a scene in 1984 where O’Brien was interrogating Winston (while torturing him) and held up four fingers and said, “If I say there are not really four fingers, but five, how many fingers are there?”

    • Lina’s limerick from CL’s 2013 Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest was classic:

      “Nice guy” was only for show
      You passive aggressive asshole.
      The children and me
      Will NOT be “plan B”
      I lied, sex was only so-so.

      Whenever I hear of cheaters trying to gaslight their spouses into taking them back by saying, “I always come back to you,” I think of Lina’s limerick.

      I’m not Plan B, OW is welcome to my leftovers. 😛

      • I love that limerick! I actually have it as a screensaver, lol

        Why do they think that them being around is a prize, a good thing? None of us signed up for time share programs!

        • My phone background was given to me by a friend right after d-day:

          “If Britney Spears can get through 2007, you can get through today.”

  • My exH told his affair partner that he would never leave me for her. And she continued to see him and was okay with this. Now she has him full time as they live together. Now she can wonder whether or not he really wants to be with her. Each and every time I caught him still talking to her (and whatever else they were doing) I always got another version of “I don’t ever want to live without you!”.

    Sometimes it was……”I think I just need to get her out of my system”……”I don’t love her, I love and need you”…..”I can’t live without you”…….WHATEVER!!!!! I got so tired of hearing any of it. In fact, I got so tired of just hearing his voice. I too got the …..”Nothing says that after the divorce we can’t date and get back together again!” YEAH!? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!

  • That’s how they justify it…always coming back to their spouse. B.S.

    It’s kind of like domestic abuse: “But he always says he’s SORRY afterward!” The apology afterward doesn’t make it okay that he hit you. The apology is actually part of the problem, part of the cycle….hence the boomerang metaphor.

  • God, I loved him. Even today the thing I miss most is that I truly valued his opinion and the daily companionship. It was such a shock when he abruptly began to act irritated and short with me and criticize everything I did.

    Some days, I know if he had any inclination at all to offer me a crumb of compassion or kindness, I’d be right back in it. So perhaps it’s good I got the full devalue and discard, He tried to do the llittle friendly texts and visits, but I declined, He may have tried to boomerang, or at least try to do the let’s be friends dance, but I have him blocked on every communication avenue and knows i would be spiteful enough to just forward to Schmoopie anyway. I couldn’t take the back and forth. This hass been hard enough as it is, and I just wanted to compress the suffering like an abcesss, soak out the poison as soon as possible,

    But I completely understand why someone would fall for it,

    • Luziana, I don’t know how long it’s been since your d-day, but I felt that exact same way for several YEARS after XH left – I missed the companionship, the friendship, and the advice. If he’d smiled or winked or thrown me any sort of crumb, I would have fallen for him again.

      Time, distance, and reading this blog have helped. So does NC. You’re doing the right thing.

      Because it’s taken me 6 YEARS to see it for what it is: a sick game.

      XH recently told me that he was remarrying, and I just smiled and said, “Congratulations.” It was NOT the response he was expecting – I just let him go without a fight. So guess what? He’s been contacting me. A LOT. More in the last three weeks than in the last three YEARS combined. Yes, we’ve had a number of things going on with the kids, yes, his interaction was required. But he’s also slipped in a few, “babes” and “baby dolls” to me, which are definitely NOT required, and would have given me hope for WEEKS as little as 18 months ago. They would also upset his new fiance to no end if she knew about them.

      Which means he doesn’t care about hurting HER any more than he cared about hurting ME. Cake eating is his top priority. I’d be tempted to call her and tell her so, to warn her what she was getting into, but guess what? I don’t know her name, address, work place – nothing. He’s keeping us as far apart as possible to control the narrative. She hasn’t even met 2 of our 3 kids (the ones most likely to tell her what’s what). It becomes SO obvious once you know what to look for.

      But how do you get over the initial devastation, when you can’t believe the guy you loved morphed into someone you hate?

      Just think of him as two different men: the loving man you married, and the total jerkwad you divorced. Yes, it takes time, but you WILL get there. Blocking all contact from him helps. Once you learn to live without him, you’ll be amazed by how freeing doing things your own way can be.

      • It’s been five months exactly since D Day, and two months since our dissolution was final. I know there is nothing good left in him aside from the show he puts on for OW. NO ONE in our mutual lives supported the way he blew our family apart. Even his first wife is furious at him on daughter’s and my behalf. She bitched a lot feeling threatened in her role, but in the end she knew that I was just there to help out. And now that EX is barely making ends meet, she really sees how much providing for her daughter was done on my salary. Whatever. Not my circus. Ex finally guilted SD into not talking to us anymore- told her is was making Schmoopie sad. Ha. Three years of supporting his kid, and she gets cut off from people who loved her just because it makes a near stranger who blew up her family SAD.He got really upset with her for saying hello to me on FB and demanded to see the conversation. There wasn’t even any drama in the divorce. he just wanted to be able to lie to her about the narrative, I always avoided the issue when talking to SD.

        How’s that for child emotional abuse?

        I used to admire the way he confidently made decisions without guilt, but I never really saw any of his prior decisions impact others so terribly. Now I know he simply has no conscience. Once our marriage had grown from the carefree stage to needing to make good financial and emotional decisions, his confident decision was to simply replace me with a downgrade so he could continue his endless adolescence. And drag his daughter along. There is nothing of the person I thought I knew in him. He is a sham and a disgusting, and despite all his showboating he is a terrible, lazy, emotionally abusive parent. He made guilt noises about being around my daughter, who he abandoned, and she politely decilned. She said “I’m not mad anymore, but I don’t even have liars for friends.”

        My daughter is going to be better than fine.

  • I got the “but I chose you” and after she sent me a letter outing him as having still been in contact with her, “you are looking at this wrong, I finally got closure with her”. I filed the next day and his theme changed from “I see us together, I can’t see that with her” to “you are choosing to destoy our family with divorce”. Amazing how I became the villian when he was the serial cheater.

    • Tell the kids why (without details). Mine were trying to stay neutral after the separation until they found out about the condoms in Daddy’s computer bag. Now the 13-year old won’t even talk to him. Her comment was, “Well at least now you won’t have to worry about a custody battle!” Out of the mouths of babes.

  • I can’t count how many times I heard those exact words, “but I always come back to you…” I’m so glad that isn’t my life anymore. Now he’s someone else’s problem.

  • Whoa, this blog is timely! I just filed yesterday, and not only my cheater, but OUR FRIENDS having argued that my husband’s affair was 8 years ago, and “he came back to you.” Whoopdy-f*ing doo. He ran his hands, tongue, and privy bits all over someone else for weeks, having deliberately set up a snuggly relationship first. Why do friends find this such a compelling argument to try and convince us to stay with a cheater? (Obviously, friends who have never felt the sting of infidelity).

    Bottom line–violated a HUGE boundary in our marriage. Deceived, gaslighted, blame-shifted, took away informed consent from me about whether to stay in the marriage or even to have sex with him after that. And to relieve his desire for sexual novelty (since he’d had to give up his sweet, young thing), he posted a picture of me in lingerie on an adult website so that he could get off on the thought of ME having sex with other people. Boundary violation after boundary violation after boundary violation.

    • “…he posted a picture of me in lingerie on an adult website so that he could get off on the thought of ME having sex with other people. Boundary violation after boundary violation after boundary violation.”

      Good lord! Nothing like having your private moments broadcast to the world without your knowledge or consent! Wow! I think I would have killed him!

      • I just keep thinking, “This is going into a best-selling novel one day.” My imagination isn’t vivid enough to make up all the events that have happened (and I have a very vivid imagination).

        As for killing him, you may notice I have posted two murder-the-spouse comments today, so the desire has clearly been there!

        • You should charge him for sexual violating you for that. I know it is a lot of hassle, but taking a picture of you to post on a porn site is selling your image for others sexual acts. He is a pimp. .

    • I’m not sure if that would count as “revenge porn”, but right now this is a fast growing area of law. I think it is happening state by state, not nationally, but maybe worth a look see. Many exes have posted nude pics of their former partners without the partners permission in order to humiliate them. Finally lawmakers are catching up to this and beginning to shut it down.

    • Tempest, those friends can shove it!!!

      OMW! I would’ve killed him if that was done to me, well maybe not literally but I would’ve made him pay for it dearly for posting a picture like that on the internet. My asswipe wanted to take pics of me naked and just in panties, I refused. I had no idea the sick fuck had panty fetish until much later and that he was spending lot of time on sites like panty portal. I am sure my loser ex would’ve posted my pics on those sites too if he had any. Fucking losers!!

        • Tempest-you would not believe all the beyond filth that is out there on-line. Consider yourself fortunate to not be exposed to it. Thanks to stbx I cannot unsee what I have seen. Whatever it is these jerks are into-no matter what it is-it can be found online. I’m wondering if I will be able to trust any man again.

        • Yeah, I didn’t know it either until this sick fuck and it’s not just porn pros, its regular people posting their pics too. You have to see it with your own eyes, my explanation won’t be enough!

  • Thank you so much for this post CL…My Ex Wife always said this…”We were never going to leave our families for each other, we knew what we had was unrealistic”…I can’t tell you how honored I was to know that at least I was in the back of her mind while she and her married boyfriend Advocare distributor bounced around a hotel room!…Then there is this, just yesterday she said “Cletus, you never gave me a chance to change!” (cause i have a girlfriend)…My response “Really Sparkles?…you left to be with your third affair partner and have been dating for years. Yet, I start seeing someone 1 year after you leave and that was not enough time for you to change?”…it boggles the mind, she really thinks I should be sitting around waiting for her to get dating out of her system…entitlement and narcissism.

    • I heard the same thing, Cletus, when my Ex found out about my BF. “You never gave me a chance to prove I changed!” I didn’t date for 2 years after the divorce. During which time Ex claimed he was going to show me he had changed, and…didn’t pay any child support, didn’t work, lived with OW (until she dumped him,) cried all the time to everyone who would listen about the massive credit card debt HE had ran up since the divorce, and would still be shocked anytime he would bring up us getting back together, I’d say, “But you haven’t done any of things I said would show me that you’re serious.” which were, paying child support, working, living on his own without OW or anyone else, working on paying off the massive credit card debt he had ran up since the divorce and getting some therapy.

      He finally raged at me that I might as well date BF because I was always going to hold a grudge against him, would hold what happened over his head and just couldn’t forgive him.

  • Her “but I only want to be with you”
    Me “when youre not with someone else.”
    Her”okay but maybe we can date after we divorce?”
    Me “youre not my type, you know, faithful”

  • There are many problems with the concepts that there is “the one” and there is the ability to have remorse, and to change. The redemption and return from the abyss of eternal destruction is a common theme in literature and religion. The problem is that the only one who knows for sure that you have remorse, or want to change — is you! Just because someone tells you they have regrets, and have changed, and will never act that way again, does not mean that is true. Most often, it is not.

    Think about how many times addicts try to “rehabilitate” from their drug of choice, how many times an abused spouse leaves and returns to the abuser? Breaking an addiction to a person, and the way of life with that person, is very difficult. We may want to believe that the wonderful person we met and fell in love with is back, full of remorse and resolved to live without another mistake, ever, but the chances are that person only exists in our imagination. We want to be forgiven for our own mistakes, so we feel obliged to forgive those of others. Forgiveness does not even include condoning the behavior — but putting the matter to rest and moving on with your life. If you do not believe that there has been a true conversion of behavior and belief — you are crazy to try to go back and recapture the innocence that was. We become part of the problem when we choose to believe what we want it to be, instead of believing what it actually is. The essence of being a Chump is to give other people way too many chances.

    Our social structure is very invested in keeping a couple a couple — especially when there are children. All the property laws and religious restrictions against divorce are designed to provide incentive to keep married people married. Divorce is designed to be difficult and expensive, but there comes a time when the emotional cost of staying together becomes too expensive. For your own sanity and peace, you pay the “cost” of dissolving the relationship. Unfortunately liars and cheaters are usually repeat offenders — lifetime criminals — with no remorse. The only thing they regret is getting caught and losing their ability to con their previous mark. By keeping your distance, and refusing to give them a chance to use you again, you protect your hard won freedom. I’ve never known anyone who successfully went back to “the way things were”. Too much damage, too many scars, too many lies — and things are changed forever! No boomerangs here, thank you very much!

    • Right, there actually sites…part of the RIC…that promote this idea of “relapse”. What a crock. There is zero comparison with cheating to drugs. People dont relapse into someones crotch. Its a decision, pure and simple. According to these sicko websites you should understand a relapse is possible…i understand two words. Fuck that. Its about ethics and character not excuses. Relapse is an excuse.

  • What about the ones that “come back” when they get sick? My ex FIL did that. Abandoned wife and five children, disappeared for awhile, and then came back when he needed open heart surgery. Since my EH abandoned me in much the same way I wonder if he’d expect to do the same. Not only wonder, but fear it. I really don’t know what I’d do. I know I’d have a difficult time with it as I’m not very strong yet and still miss what we had. Or what I thought we had.

        • Spend a few months on these forums gathering strength–you’ll be strong enough! (You’ll also get snarkier and have a darker sense of humor, but “meet” lots of interesting people who are fellow chumps.)

          • I’ve been reading here a couple of months. You guys have helped me so much already. Having a chumpy day today with the crying again, but you guys give me hope.

            • I was crying and dry heaving on Friday. Today im good. We are all propping each other up here. Or in my case, holding my hair as I stick my head in the toilet. I had a huge belly laugh with a girlfriend today that had nothing to do with affairs or husbands or nasty ass women. I’m thinking about you today, it’s a bitch but you’re not alone. Xo

        • Lina, like Tempest said, spend time on these forums, read, post and you will be strong before you know it! The others were just like you once, I was just like you once, after the first D-Day, then being gaslighted by my cheater for almost 3 years after that, I didn’t know if I was coming or going but now I am happy, free as a bird and content the first time in years. Cheaters are life, joy sucking vampires and toxic to your well-being. The life is much better without the lying cheat and someday you will look back and say, wow, I was distraught, sad over for this asswipe? I cried over for that piece of shit? I promise you it will get better, you are in good company and we all are here for eachother. Keep your head up 🙂

      • I have to repeat what ForgeOn said: You are on a roll today Tempest and I am very much enjoying the ride. Keep on keepin’ on with your bad self.

    • Ask him if it is exploratory surgery? because ya know, I’m not entirely sure you actually have a heart rattling around in there?

    • Lina, he fired you from that job when he decided to cheat. He is NOT your problem anymore. If he ever shows up at your door, just tell him he fired you from that job of caring for him a long time ago. I was just like you for a long time, I still took care of people who hurt me, because I felt bad, it was my nature and it brought me nothing but more misery and be taken advantage of repeatedly. I finally stopped and now I put my needs and wants first (along with my son of course) and it feels great! Read these books when you get a chance, Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and The Doormat Syndrome by Lynne Namka.

  • I’ve heard this to from both my sister in laws ( husbands sister), at least he came back to you and did jot chose her. I was like really he did , I don’t think so. Giving him credit for coming home every night saying that at least he never slept overnight with the ow. This is just bullshit does not make it any better , when I questioned them what they do if they found out their husbands did the same thing both said they would not forgive and end the marriage. So then why I forgive and tolerate his crap. I tried false reconciliation and did the pick me dance, and it was all my fault according to the wasband cus I did not show him love or listen to him or fix my self up for him. I call bullshit on that too. I filed for divorce in June and shortly there after found a box of empty condoms in his car while he was still trying to convince me not to break our family. Really !! We now live seperatly and has recently taken a leave from work to travel to South America. While I stay with the kids, he misses his visitation and weekends from the kids during this time. But I’m the one who drove him make the choice to travel, of course. Meanwhile wasband complains to the kids of being broke and not being able to take them anywhere that’s not free, yet can afford a trip for a month and be out of work k with out pay ??… I smell a request to reduce child support is in my future. But yes, at least I’m not with her I want to be with you is total bullshit.

  • Ya… and then he said “it only happened a few times.” Isn’t that like being a little bit pregnant? Or is it closer to “I didn’t put it all the way in.”? He can go and ride the unicorn on the merry-go-round of reconciliation. And the best part of the unicorn to sit on ?….I’m sure I don’t need to finish.

  • This was so brilliantly stated, Chumplady. I wish I had read it when I was still in the midst of the madness.

    This line in particular stood out for me: “Next they swan into a self pity aria. I’m trying. Can’t you see how much I put up with you? Okay, a Mistake Was Made. How long must I be punished?”

    I was caught up in this ridiculous pretzel logic while the jerk was still actively cheating and deceiving me and a line of marriage counselors. Poor baby was being punished with my ongoing questions and expressions of pain. Never mind that they were perfectly reasonable questions, and that I had every right to know to whom I was married. My biggest mistake –besides doing a couple steps of the Pick Me tango — was to actually try to argue with that nonsense. I played right into his stupid game.

    One my favorite things about divorcing the crazy was The Part Where I Don’t Have These Endless Nonsensical Arguments Anymore. It’s freed up so much time and mental clutter.

    • LilyBart, “One of my favorite things about divorcing the crazy was The Part Where I Don’t Have These Endless Nonsensical Arguments Anymore.” Just this. Crazy needs drama. Runs away when life gets rough. And feels sorry when they can’t do what the fuck ever they want. I do not miss marriage with my POS ex either.

      • with you on that, it’s not that they don’t understand, it’s that they don’t care. those endless bullshit discussions that always were capped with cheater saying “you are 50% responsible for this problem” and the rage when I would refuse to agree with that assessment.

    • My STBX regarded those nasty questions about what happened, why, how could you, as ‘scab farming’ I bought it and stopped doing that.

  • I kicked my Boomerang out shortly after dday… He didnt hesitate to move in with his 19 yr old( 25 years my junior) In her dorm room! Within a month they found an apartment. He found every excuse to return home everyday… If it was a certain pair of socks… Or that pen… What I pieced together is he was returning home everyday to have a crap… He couldnt use the bathroom around her! Nothing like the comforts of home!
    I soon cut the daily visits to the John off and told him to use the gas station down the street. Think he got bunged up pretty bad. Hahahah. In 3 months time he asked to come home to ‘ work on it’ and I being the chump let him come back…. In hindsite he just missed his toilet and the safety and routine of our life. After all who was going to do his laundry and feed him…. And the supply of charmin.
    His ‘ work on it’ meant he got to return home, continue his relationship(s) and live in duplicity. He started house hunting under the guise of ‘ investment property’ , phone always on silent… screen down. Lunch dates… Working late dates… and numerous trips to the store… Need milk honey?
    I saw the writing on the wall and did start to prepare myself finacially. Emotionally I was still smoking the hopium pipe.
    The week i kicked him out he was talking about a family vacation to Corpus Christi… I asked him if he planned to bring his GF along as the babysitter… He moved in with her the next week. When i shut him out is when he got ugly… And mean… And violent. He wanted me to lie on the divorce papers stating we had joint physical custody… So he wouldnt have to pay child support… But of course he would pay me… Just under the table… Because if it was reflected on the custody paper work that he owed child support his debt to income ratio would be affected and therefore not qualifying him for a mortgage. He screamed at me’ you need to help me get a house’
    So let me get this? You lied to me, our child, our friends, yr coworkers for two years… And know u want me to help u get a house? Ooooohhhhh… I am sorry i didnt understand! Yes of course… Allow me to pave the way for u and yr nineteen yr old illegal immigrant GF. Not my fault she cant hold a job… Or sign for anything.
    Thats when the chump stood up.

    Now almost two years post dday and 3 months post divorce… The mother fucker bought a house 6 blocks away from me…its 800 square feet… For he and the whore bag… I said to him … seriously? Could u not find another neighborhood?
    And still tries to find evey excuse to be in my life… Even offered to continue doing the lawn… WTF? Are u high?
    Two weeks ago while our daughter was at sleep away school trip… He came banging at my door… Unannounced… He thought i had a man there… I took a video( loooooovvvvee my iphone) of him banging on the window and told him to go home to his whore or i would send her the you tube clip of him screaming ‘ dont do this to me! ‘
    U cant make this shit up
    Dog fucker.

    • I thought the shocking part of this story was “…in her dorm room!” Wow, you are one hell of a fierce pistol. Rock on. My kids asked me the other day if I knew what smh stood for in txt speak (bc they are now totally cooler than I). I said yup, slap my husband. They were in hysterics and corrected me, but you truly have me shaking my head.

      • Ya… Her dorm. She is a mere 8 or 9 years older than our child… Her age is debatable as her paperwok is fake… But she is young… And no longer in school… Since daddy is taking care of her now.
        My child said’ if he wanted another kid maybe he should have adopted’
        Its just creepy. And somewhat replusive. Its like he is trolling the high schools…
        I figure thats the level he needs to be in control… Cause any woman would see thru that shit. Puppy fucker.

    • Dorm Room! OMG that is classic. Wonder if the RA thought her dad was visiting. What a creep. Honestly it is amazing that they can find pants to fit their giant balls!

  • My ex is still on my back about coming back after nearly 6 years apart. Apparently I’m the only one he can trust and he’s “changed”. He’s disappointed in me that I won’t reconcile for our child’s sake too (so he tried fooling me, got nowhere, so is playing the guilt card about our child). He’s also trying the “I know I just won’t be able to cope when you meet someone else”card – fat chance of that happening since I seem to have lost all ability to trust and avoid men like the plague.
    Some days he’s so intense I feel like giving in would be the only option but then my logical brain kicks in and tells me to remember what it was really like being with him.
    And life’s pretty darn good at the moment so why would I give that up? Who wants to make a sulky, self obssessed, narc the centre of their world? Nothing I did the first time round was good enough so why would it be good enough this time?

    • Yes, Justine, there is way more to life than Crazy, so hold fast. IMHO these fuckers never change, their thoughts are akin to the monkeys in the zoo down the street. My ex’s life motto was “If It Feels Good…Do It.” All the spackle in the world can’t save a marriage after a spouse strays. I am pretty cognizant of how even little choices in my life lead to consequences but Crazy? There is no fix for the way he “thinks.” Oh wait. There is! Go No Contact and keep that toxic fucker out of your life. Best decision I’ve made yet.

  • Yep CL. Got this from X too. He told me proudly, WTF?, that he always told all the AP’s that he would never leave me. Oh…my….I do declare….lucky me! And they say chivalry is dead!

  • Human nature is so weird. Except for having sex me twice after we were separated before I knew there was another woman, my husband never wavered on breaking up with me. Even when we had those two dalliances, he never acted like he was trying to choose, he only acted like he was comparing us, or getting a thrill out of having a double secret. Asshole.

    I hate to say I’m envious of chumps whose husbands try to reconcile, but I can’t help it, I am. My husband just rejected and abandoned me, and man does that mess with one’s ego. To make matters worse, he truly looks at me and says, “What’s the big deal?” as though it really isn’t a big deal, our relationship was just a blip in his life experience and he’s completely forgotten it and moved on.

    But, I know our past, which was super dysfunctional and enabling and if he had wanted me back, I would have been defenseless. I tried to leave him several times before and he simply would not stop pursuing me. The only difference now is he has a young lover, so I no longer exist. Man, that hurts.

    • ML, you do exist and in a beautiful way. I read your posts with great interest. You are a gentle, decent person who has had the stuffing and confidence knocked out of them, just like all the Chumps who visit this site. You are worthy of so much more than you have received. Our rejection and abandonment leaves us in a heap on the floor but eventually we rise again. You are a good and decent person and better off without the creep. You are nightly ML.

        • ML, hon, trust me, ‘reconciliation’, MC, or even EFFING parenting classes were nothing more for Mr Fab than another platform from which to abuse me and gaslight our kid.

          But I understand the ‘if only it had been different’ blues. Note I say ‘it’, not ‘I’, or ‘he’. Sadly, the psycho cheater is who they really are. Do I want to grow old (er) with that? Nosireebob!

          As CL says, Tuesday is coming. Keep walking.

          x-Meh.

    • ML, you are might not ‘nightly’. Auto correct and hitting the post button too soon!! I hope you had a laugh though?

    • yeah, that does hurt. However, just keep telling yourself that he is a flaming piece of shite, and his opinions are likewise shite, and thus rejecting you is actually a compliment. (and yes, I do believe that.

    • Don’t be too jealous ML. I have a unicorn and the only time he was ready to toss me aside was for the 1 out of 61 women that he had fallen for. She knew he was a SA and was ready to take him on. He just needed to make sure he did things in the “right and proper” order (his words in the letter he wrote to her that I found) and then they could be together. Our therapist brought him to his senses and now he wants nothing more than to keep our family together and make up for the things he has done. It’s horribly heart wrenching and confusing to love someone who has done so much damage to you and the relationship tell you they love you and want you. It’s a big ol mind fuck. I’d like to think the grass was greener and I’d be better off if he had just ended up with her or anyone else other than me. It would have hurt but with time I would have healed and moved on. This just keeps me in perpetual pain wondering what is the “right” thing to do.

      • How long has he been behaving? After 61 women, there is NO way he will keep it up. Have an exit plan–the right thing will be to dump his sorry ass as soon as he tips his hand again.

        (I’m empathizing with your situation–I filed yesterday and now my cheater is the “perfect man”–finished reading the “Gaslighting” book, scheduled a marital therapy appt. for HIMSELF since I told him I wasn’t going. Countdown to as*hole…10..9…8…7…….)

      • Crazywithasideofcrazy, perpetual pain is no way to live, separate, do your own individual therapy so YOU can decide if you want to keep hurting or get it over with and move on. MC can really fuck your head up. Jedi Hugs!

      • Crazywithasideofcrazy,

        It is so hard to imagine life without these cheaters. When we committed ourselves to them we went all in. Speaking as someone who “reconciled” for three years with Satan’s Favorite Curly Turd, I can say that about six months of that three year period was actually a decent time. The rest of that time I spent turning myself inside out, trying not to make a misstep, doing all of the spackling and accommodating recommended by the Marriage Non-Counselor, playing Charlie McCarthy to his Edgar Bergen. Frightened doormat ain’t no way to live.

        I’m not inside your relationship with your cheater, but having someone else “bring him to his senses,” as you said the counselor did, IMHO, is not going to be sustainable. Growth is a step-by-step, internal, long-term process. It is seldom the “aha!” moment we see in movies or on the Dr. Phil or Oprah show. No light bulb goes on with classical music playing in the background while birds begin chirping. It is about taking responsibility, being accountable and doing the long, painful work necessary to not only change your heart and mind but at the same time, being committed to changing your beliefs and behaviors. I know it is painful to let go (been there, still doing it), but it is more painful to hold on. Letting go hurts like an open wound into which someone has poured gasoline. Holding on is like an open wound into which someone has poured gasoline, inserts an eternal flame, and then sews it all up.

        If you’re not ready to end the marriage, please do what is necessary to protect yourself and your children. I just have a feeling as soon as Mr. 61 runs into Ms. 62, he’ll be off to the races again. (((HUGS)))

  • Mine said (after he moved in with the other woman) “I don’t feel like you and I are finished yet”. When I told him I was filing for the divorce he said, “but once you file there is no going back”. Umm duh! Freakin moron. I couldn’t believe it. Should have seen his face when I said, “so what, you get to go on a big adventure for a few years, while I hold down the fort, watch our kids fall apart, answer all of the questions from friends and family and then you come back home? I don’t think so”. He still can’t believe I divorced him.

    The asshole is actually still listed as married on social media. Guess he doesn’t want the OW to know he is free and available to marry again. Dumb and dumber.

    • My STBX is also still listed as married on social media. At least he was when I last looked a few weeks ago before blocking him. And when I removed married from my status, he sent a request asking me to verify that we were married. I also think he didn’t want his skank to know we’re getting divorced. Dumb and dumber, indeed.

      • Mine left his as married after I blocked him. Awkward. Changed it directly to “In a Relationship” with whorebag and then unfriended every single mutual acquaintance according to my friends, especially the ones who told him he was a dirty tacky classless bastard, His friend count was under 50 at one point I hear. Two people liked his status change, LOLOLOL.

        I haven’t looked at his FB page since about a week after D Day when I blocked him. I am still friends with a few of his friends, I didn’t air dirty laundry. If people asked, I PM’d them the photo of my kids and me roasting marshmallows on the grill over his burning wedding rings and abandoned clothing laughing our heads off. That seemed sufficient. They all said I handled things with way more class than they would have.

        I saw no point in fueling any bullshit crazy narrative he was peddling. Everyone knew I was an affectionate and loving wife. He gets what he deserves, some whore who sleeps with married men.

  • I had a baby 2 weeks ago. I found out during the pregnancy my husband was having an affair, but I didn’t confront him, I needed peace to get through the pregnancy, and I have my thoughts that it was going on long before I even got pregnant.

    He wasn’t excited about the baby, but went with it. Baby is now here and he is happy, he is helping out 100%, he is completely involved and there for me. I have no complains about how attentive he is being. I don’t know where OW is right now, if he has her on hold or what.

    Should I do something about this? Should I go with it?

    What are the chances he will just go back to cheating when the baby novelty goes away?

    • Hell yes you should do something about it. The slimeball was sleeping around while you were carrying his child!! And for all you know he’s STILL actively cheating on you. Chances are very high he’ll go back to cheating if he has indeed stopped (my bet is he’s still cheating). The baby novelty wears off realllllly quickly. That’s why it’s a “novelty,” it’s temporary. The diapers, feedings, crying, lack of sleep add up really quickly. Character transplants don’t happen just with the birth of a baby. He also doesn’t know that you know based on what you wrote. He’s still keeping secrets from you. He’s pulling the charm channel full force. I bet his reasoning to cheat while you were pregnant had something to do with your energy levels, or your body or all the other bullshit excuses they give. All of those will still be present post-baby too. There are many others on here that also found out while pregnant or shortly after baby was born. The baby didn’t change anything. If anything he’ll use his attentiveness to you against you, like you’re in the wrong to doubt his trust after he just spent all this time taking care of you and the baby. He’ll pull the “hey! I came back and took care of you!” boomerang stunt. Or he’ll say “I’m a family man! Would I have come back if I didn’t care about our family?” Or “if I were that kind of guy than why are you still with me?” Get your backbone, strength and forces lined up now. Your choices are to sit in silence and do nothing (I highly doubt this won’t eat at you, seriously), divorce or enter reconciliation. You KNOW he’s been cheating and unfortunately his actions have now left you a buffet of bad options. http://www.divorceminister.com/?s=buffet+of+bad+options

      • Well I know he sneaked off to be with her 4 days before I gave birth. It’s just that SINCE the birth he hasn’t left my side. So I’m not sure if that counts as not cheating anymore, or temporary pause due to schedules. He goes back to work soon, he has been on vacation to be with me and baby. I just don’t know what to expect for when life goes back to a routine and he isn’t here 24/7.

        He wasn’t just cheating with me while I was pregnant. He was cheating on me for a few years before I got pregnant, I found this out during the pregnancy.

        No, he has no idea that I know.

        So there is no chance he won’t just change and stop cheating because of the baby??? It’s just that he is so committed right now, he won’t leave my side. So I’m having a hard time thinking what comes next, that maybe he changed his ways.

        • If he sneaked off to be with her 4 days before the birth, he isn’t going to stop and he isn’t going to change his ways. These forums are full of stories of people who thought the same thing and then find out years later that the affair is still on-going or their spouse is on affair partner #3.

          Not a great scenario when you’re overtired, hormonal, and trying to enjoy your new baby. : (

        • M- No. Cheaters don’t “just change” as much as we wish they would. It’s a shit sandwich and I’m sorry you have to deal with this mess. You’re married, he’s messing around with other women. It’s cheating. There’s no “gray zone” with this. There’s no “it’s no longer cheating since he hasn’t cheated in maybe 2 weeks.” No no no no no. You’ve just said he’s been cheating on you for YEARS. He’s been living a double life for years. Do you know how many other women are involved? Make sure you document everything, save your evidence in a safe place. Get an STD test to make sure you and your baby are safe. He doesn’t know you know, you’re in a prime spot to gather your evidence and get your ducks in a row. Even if you don’t know what you plan to do you can still meet with a lawyer to get an idea of what to expect should you go that route. Divorce papers, just like babies, don’t wake cheaters up. You’re getting stuck on the potential of “what could be.” His character hasn’t changed in years it sounds like. Did you get a character transplant by having a baby? He’s playing the charm card in full force.

          When his normal 24/7 schedule resumes he’ll go right back to cheating. You’re home with the baby, he’s off “at work” with more opportunity away from you. Check your finances. Pay attention to the charges going through. Look at your phone records. Search for his profile on dating websites. What evidence do you have/how did you find out about his affairs?

          Evidence of his change of character would be 1) him coming clean about his affairs, answering every question, taking all your anger 2) him accepting all the consequences 3) him stopping all of his affairs 4) him seeing an individual therapist to do the heavy lifting on himself to list a few. He hasn’t done any of that.

          Do you have a support system other than him in place? Your parents? Friends? Other family that will have your back through this? You need a support system around you.

          It’s scary as all hell having a new baby, much less when one parent is cheating and the questions of divorce, reconciliation, single parenthood are now suddenly on the horizon. I was a single mom. You can do it. It’s hard but you can do it. Get your support system around you now.

          • I don’t know how many women there are. From what I have investigated he seems to be in 1 long term relationship. Not sure how long it’s been going on for, I estimate about 2 years. I found out because a friend told me they saw him on a dating site, the profile no longer exists. I am guessing he dated around and then found someone and that’s who he is with now.

            There is very little evidence, he hides his tracks incredibly well. I know it’s true because I did my research and followed him. But in terms of phone and finances he hides it like a champ.

            I have no family in town for support. I have friends though. The prospect of having a newborn with all this is horrifying.

            • M,

              “From what I have investigated he seems to be in 1 long term relationship.” Uh, M, knock, knock, you’re his wife and the mother of his child – you are supposed to be his one “long term” relationship. HIs side slice of genitalia is his side slice of genitalia, not a relationship – no matter what Hollywood puts in movies or on television.

              This horrible, indescribable piece of donkey excrement has been cheating on you – you describe him as “dating around” until he found someone. What the fuck does that make you? He’s a cheater. That’s who he is. That’s his operating software. He’s not going to change – maybe if his dick dries up and/or falls off it’s a possibility. Otherwise, I vote no.

              Yes, as you say, all this is horrifying. It is horrifying without a newborn – it is doubly horrifying and scary with a newborn. You know what will be a fucking horror movie marathon, however? Staying with this flaming turd from Satan’s ass posing as a human being. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life – being the wife of a man who thinks it’s perfectly okay to date other women? Did you sign up for a group relationship? Was that part of your marriage vows? I began to change my mind about my unrepentant cheater when I finally realized I did not want to be the wife of a man who thinks it’s okay to cheat on his wife.

              Chump Nation is here for you M, whatever you decide. This shit is hard. (((HUGS)))

            • M says, A newborn with a Cheater spouse and father is horrible. Twenty years together with that and you have fucked yourself over and your child will have barely survived a toxic dysfunctional family. Hhhmmmmmm. Cut this POS loose. Let him pay child support and realize that only after you leave him will you have any kind of shot at “Happily Ever After.” This guy? No chance. IMHO

        • I don’t think he saw the light just because you had a baby. I’m sure that he’s happy about the baby, but babies are very demanding and can’t do a damn thing for themselves. Once the novelty wears off, he’ll go back to cheating. Sadly, if you read articles about cheating on sites like HuffPo, you’ll see that a lot of fathers cheat when their children are babies.

          And a lot of the people here have stories of their spouses who’ve cheated before, during, and after pregnancy.

          Sorry. 🙁

          • What I don’t understand is how he can be with one woman one day, and in the hospital with me soon after and with me and the baby being the best husband ever, and then suddenly with another woman again. How is it possible to switch back and forth like that.

            I have no idea where the OW is, and I’m trying to figure out when to expect things to resume with her.

            • M says, hey if I knew my ex was having sex with another woman and had been with others while committed to me, raising a child together would be my last thought. I would be packing my bags and moving as far away from his sorry ass as I could. Children do not need to be raised in an environment where lies are a norm.

            • You don’t need to understand it – that’s called ‘untangling the skein of fuckedupness’.
              Just know hes not wired the same way you are – know hes a fuckwad from hell, and leave it at that. That’s all that matters.

        • Oh honey my heart goes out to u. First… Congratulations… Once the feely good hormones wear off u will hopefully find the strength to organize your finances and custody. My guts are twisting. How can you enjoy this blessed time knowing that he is screwing around. I know what i had to do to get out and i dont know if i could have just after having a baby.
          And dont think the baby is gonna snap him to his senses… It isnt.
          Picture this… In 6 months…post divorce … Handing off your sweet little bundle of joy to him as he takes the baby off to the apartment that he now shares with the OW. He is the dad … He has rights. And Judges dont care if your piece of shit cheating Ex has a GF… As long as she isnt a serial killer… There is nothing u can do.
          Its not a reason to NOT divorce his ass… But it is a reason to get savy and quick.
          He may already be figuring all this out ahead of you… Or he might turn out to be a bigger piece of shit and walk. You need to educate yourself and quick.
          A baby is a wonderful thing…a wonderful wonderful thing. Once the gooey hormones wear off you are going to have to make a big decision. Educate yourself… Talk to a lawyer… Keep your mouth shut…
          He aint gonna change… Its just the excitement of the baby…not anything else.
          Keep us posted.

          • But how is it possible that he can be so helpful and attentive right now and be the most supportive husband/father ever and act like everything is awesome??? How can he just do that so easily???

            • Because they have no conscience. that is how. They truly don’t see themselves as doing anything wrong because they feel they are entitled to it. And yes they can especially for public viewing act like the best Husband that ever walked the planet. An event like the birth of your child is one that gets a lot of friends, family and others attention. It is a source of Kibbles for them. And they can’t pass that up. But they have no integrity and as soon as they think no one is looking they will be back to their old tricks. I’m sorry for you and I understand. I am still grappling with the same question myself. It totally screws with a persons belief in others and that there is any justice or fairness in the world. It is hard to know the truth but still want to cling to your old sense of reality since the new one looks really ugly. What you have to do is not let him put if off on you. It is not your fault. And they all try to get there some sooner some later. They will not be able to accept the blame or it will tarnish their sparkly image.

            • M-cheaters live double lives. That’s what they do. Trying to figure out how they do it, why they do it is untangling the skein. That is for them to figure out with their own therapist. All you need to know is it that he has no conscience, he’s leading a double life, he’s lying to you, keeping secrets and it’s all intentional. There is not a move of his that isn’t calculated. Figure out the laws in your state/local regarding video recording, voice recording conversations, key loggers etc. It might be worth putting the money into a PI. Figure out what the laws are concerning adultery in your state, fault/no fault/no alimony etc, and figure out what evidence you’d need to prove adultery. The info you have now may not be enough depending on where you live, which is where a PI or a friend of a friend or something would come in handy. You can figure all of that out just through initial consultations with lawyers, which are usually free. You can do free consultations with 3 different lawyers if you wanted to.

              You should also talk to a lawyer about how to handle your own safety with your support system and custody with an infant. Could you kick him out of your place? Could you bring your baby and go and live with your family if they’re out of state? Can you move in with friends or get your own place? Figure out what options you have as far as moving to where your support system would be if that’s the case and if/how that would affect custody. With an infant, my guess is chances are your baby would stay with you. Custody arrangements such as alternate weekends don’t work with infants. From what I read it’s usually focused on frequency rather than time so an arrangement might be something more like every other day. It all depends on your state. Find out what your options are and then make an informed decision.

              Your state may have a waiting period in order to file, you’ll need to know that. You could try counseling but I doubt he’ll agree to do it, especially if he doesn’t know you know. Cheaters usually only cop to what you know and even faced with evidence will deny it. Make sure you have good evidence. He’s probably not going to be divulging a lot of information to you.

              You say he covers his tracks well. If this has been going on as long as you suspect, I bet he’s slipped up somewhere. It takes a lot of energy to live a double life and energy fades. Taking off your blinders will help you see signs that you might have been oblivious to earlier on. He might get sloppy over time too as he thinks he can get away with it. Is he protective of his phone? His computer? Those are signs he’s hiding something.

            • M, there is nothing I can add here, as you already got great advice from others. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time..He has shown you he is a lying cheat and they don’t ever change. Watch your back, because that cheating snake doesn’t and wont ever have your back, now or in the future…EVER…

            • M, I’m so sorry for the position you’re in. Read the articles here, and more of the posts. We’ve all had trouble understanding how our spouses could be so two-faced and underhanded. Their thinking is twisted it’s not really possible to understand. Could you do it? No. You are decent person. Your husband is obviously very different, and it’s probably good that you don’t understand. You wouldn’t want to be like him, I’m guessing. Good luck to you. I hope with time everything will become easier to accept, and you will come out of this on top.

            • M, you are obviously sleep deprived and recovering from child birth… Thank god this is print so u can go back and refer to it… He is a dog fucker. Anything he does is for him… Period.
              You are awash with all the pregnancy hormones… And at risk for post partum depression… Please keep reading… And read some more… You are so vulnerable right now. And in your heart its what u want… We all wanted the fairy tale!!

              He wont change… And you may have to go through all the shit eating stages we all havebefore it all makes sense… I hope not… But if u do .. We are here.
              Please keep reading…

            • Lets see here, your husband was fucking another woman 4 DAYS BEFORE your baby was born, and you are wondering how can he be nice and so helpful right now after the baby is born….

              girl, you have it twisted. it REALLY doesnt matter why he is being nice right now. first thing you already mentioned that he doesnt know that you know so why wouldnt he be nice. he is getting his piece of ass on the side while you are having his baby. what a piece of shit. why wouldnt he be smiling and helpful right now?

              and so what if he is. so he is not a TOTAL Shithead/asshole, he is just a shithead/asshole who is fucking around on you SOMETIMES??

              so he is “Being Good RIght NOW” you already know he has been doing this for years. He will do it again, is this what you want? is this the kind of man you want to be with?

              think of it this way instead if he was out killing someone instead of fucking someone all those times he was cheating on you, would it make him less evil just because he can be nice for a while with you? because for 2 weeks he has been non-stop with you and hasnt gone out to kill anyone for a while?

              my heart goes out to you. when you have a baby, all you want is for everything to work. but sweetheart 4 DAYS BEFORE YOU HAD THE BABY!!!!!

              come on, you deserve more then this guy is wanting to give you.

          • The first time I caught my ExH cheating, our daughter was four months old. I was devastated. It had gone on for two years: before I was pregnant, when I was pregnant, and after she was born. He literally called the OW from the hospital. He “wanted to leave me and was only with me for the baby.” The most gut wrenching discovery was when I found out that they had had sex while our baby was in the room with them. They put my daughter in her bouncy seat in front of the tv so they could have sex in the same room. I did not want to be a single mom with 3 kids, one of which was a newborn. So I bought his whole “I’m sorry and I’ll change” routine and stayed with him. I made it clear I wouldn’t stay if it happened again. Fast forward 10 years and I found him cheating again. When I did some digging I learned he had had two other affairs (4 total) in those 10 years. Yuck!! I left him that time. Not one day of those ten years did I wake up and NOT think about his cheating. It ate me alive inside. I knew I’d never get over it. I didn’t think anyone would ever want a single mom with three kids. Now, I don’t care. I can do this alone if I have to. I went back to grad school and will graduate with my masters in 3 weeks. I don’t need a man, but if one comes along, that will just make life better. Either way I’m good.

        • M, my only advice to you at this point is this:
          Watch his behavior carefully, and don’t let him know you are suspicious. My marriage counselor urged me to share my suspicions with my husband, and as a result, he became even more sneaky. If your husband doesn’t know you’re watching him, you’ll have access to phone records, and even GPS info. At this point, I think my husband has purchased a 2nd throw-away phone, and also may be making phone calls from his office phone. I also suspect he leaves his phone at work while he gets his lunch break, massage parlor blow-job.

          He’s already cheated on you, and recently. So don’t feel you are violating his privacy by tracking his behavior. It’s self-preservation. You’ve got a little one now. You need to do what’s best for you and the baby. Keep reading CL so you’ll have an idea of typical things cheaters say to cover up… but also for moral support.

    • Start copying and downloading EVERY financial record you can get your hands on–retirement accounts, past tax records, bank accounts, credit card statements, etc. He WILL go back to his ho eventually and you need to be ready to pounce.

      I’m sorry your baby’s birth has been marred by having an f*ing idiot for a father.

  • ha, I get a kick out of the bonfire scene. I went on a trip to Guatemala years back and climbed the active volcano Pacaya. We roasted hot dogs and marshmallows in the lava. With your post all I could think about was how satisfying it’d be to toss those rings into the giant lava flows of an active volcano!

  • “But I always come back to you” is so conceited. It’s like, yeah, I lied to you and played you for a fool, but you got to keep ME, special ME. You should feel grateful I’m even still talking to you, you know, given that you drove me to this. And yet, here you are crying about all the lies I told you. Tsk tsk.

  • A few days ago, ex sent our son a barrage of messages via Facebook, claiming that it was all MY fault the marriage ended, because ex had really meant his vow to never leave me, but I went ahead and filed for divorce. LOL, yeah, it was all my fault!

    Of course, ex’s sister then sent a barrage of messages to our son, and actually wrote that “everyone cheats” in reply to son’s replying that his dad was a lying cheater. Lovely family.

    • To get my cheater to leave as he was blaming me, I actually sent him a text that I told him he could show his friends that said, “[Tempest] admits the demise of the relationship was all her fault. I criticized her incessantly because she [fill in fault]; I fucked a 24-year old because she [fill in fault]; I got in an accident with her car because she [fill in fault].”

      Unfortunately, that didn’t get him to leave. Even when I accepted 100% blame (well, at least in the text) for his cheating ways and asshole-ness, he kept coming back for more. Guess I wasn’t that bad, eh?

  • Boomerang cheaters are like the black mold found on dark corners of the bathtub surround. It always tries to come back to you, but that doesn’t mean that it’s good for you.

  • “I always come back to you,” REALLY means, “You’ll always be here for me.”

    See that as a challenge.

  • My boomerang cheater said he had no intention of leaving me or breaking up our family. He just needed time for the affair to “wind down” and to “back out gracefully” so he didn’t hurt his AP. Take all the time you need, I’ll be waiting patiently here at home for you, honey…

    • The FUCK??? he had no intention of leaving you, he just wanted to fuck some strange on the side? and you were not suppose to get your heart broken or hurt? Damn you sausalito for getting hurt about being betrayed!!! is it not enough for you that he was planning on coming back after he was done having his good time without you?

      wow!! amazing!!

  • Ha!

    This is so true. While my ex was cheating, she went to therapy…and the therapist helped her to “decide” between the AP and me. My ex allegedly chose me, and then sent me a card telling me as much, complete with exclamation points…as if I were supposed to be excited that she re-chose me.

    And later on, during the divorce proceedings, my ex said that she “never had any intention of ending the marriage.”

    Pathetic.

    As CL reminds us, my ex didn’t “choose” me. Moroever, of COURSE she didn’t want to end the marriage. The point was to maintain cake as long as possible!

  • I have refused to catch the ‘boomerang.’ Fuck that shit-I just want to get rid of it-for good!!!! He is deluded that all will be ok-yeah right-because he loves me and our son and he will show us. I don’t know what he wants to show us-all I want to show him is the door!, The fucker won’t leave & I can’t legally force him out because we are both on title to the house. We just live in the same residence. I finally got a job and am setting up for filing divorce, finding a new place, and moving on to meh with my little boy.

    These cheaters are all the same & it’s eerie how they all have the same playbook. Since I have been pulling away from him over the months he is now trying to Text me, say nice things, be nice sometimes cuz after all it’s all about him and he’s an a-hole when he doesn’t get his way. Of course I have been told the following:
    I will destroy our sons life by divorcing him (like cheating on your sons mom isn’t devastating?)
    He was ashamed of the horrible things that he has said to me in the past months ( But not for the horrible things he has done & continues to do behind my back?)
    He refuses to talk, is done talking (when did he ever talk or admit anything? And he is still doing the same shit)
    How long am I going to keep beating him verbally for the same stuff over and over (um, until you leave like I have asked you to-repeatedly)
    I need to get over it & move on. The past is the past. (yup, I’m over you & I want you to be in the past)
    And every variation of every wrong thing I have ever done; ie; gain weight, have a messy closet or a mess in the garage (yes these are real & not made up) etc. Ugh. I can’t wait until the boomerang is gone & I can only hear the sound of crickets!!!!!

    • Besides, why would I want a boomerang back after it has been thought the hands of paid sex workers, prostitututes, and Craigslist/other multiple hook-ups. Turpentine couldn’t sterilize that shit!!

      Thank god my tests came back clean!!

  • My story with the first two OWs. Ex was always remorseful and was the loving husband for a few years until he couldn’t do it. Thought he could come just back after the final OW even after we were already divorced. He was shocked that I said no in the same manner I say no if someone asked me if I wanted mustard on my sandwich. My counselor warned me that he would continue to engage me in the future. He has but that seems to be going away since I ignore all forms of attempts to engage. Not worth my time. The only way to deal with these disordered folks is to never allow them to be part of your life.

  • So true- my X engaged in the “You’ll never let me live it down already” method, followed often by the go-to…”It’s been 6 months since I did something like that, aren’t you over it already” bullshit.

    This post as usual is so timely for me though because I now see that he learned this tactic from his mother (#notashocker). She’s been towing the line of “Lots of people have affairs, it’s time to forgive” to his brother which she fully knows will be relayed to me as well.

    Well maybe lady… but that doesn’t make it less of a shitty move, and btw, most non-Cluster B people also aren’t on a first name basis with half the strippers in the tri-state area, nor do they drool over college students who could technically be their children, or steal, abandon, lose jobs because they’ve been banging people in the back office, obliterate financial security, brashly destroy families and lie like it’s a high contact sport.

    Her response– “Well Jesus forgave Mary Magdalene– and she was a prostitute!- so you can forgive your brother.”

    Honey, Mary Magdalene isn’t even in the same universe of the insanity that is your son.

      • I’m not particularly religious, so I don’t know all of the dimensions, but my take– does it get much more blatant in the way of moral superiority than invoking Jesus and other biblical references as a guild trip…? Just sayin’. And yet holding your grown child to basic standards of morals is of little regard. Pfft

  • A Boomerang cheater! that is the best description ever and very aussie.

    My STBX had an affair 9 years ago and claims to have been with multiple partners since but only for oral sex so that makes it ok! BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry was that to loud?

    at around the time of the cliamed affair I had a breakdown and was put in hospital years later I expressed to STBX how grateful I was that he had not left me at the time for someone else… STBX responed that he had thought about it but had chosen us! YIIIPPPEEEEEEE! not! all the while he was having his bit of self expression on the side and then coming home to his family. Even months after d’day I got, If you want to end our marriage it is on you I do not want a divorce. NO you just what cake.

    I am 11 days and counting till I can file as you have to wait 12months and 1 day after seperation before you can file for divorce here.

    Because STBX now lives with the MIL and is a Jesus cheater he has the notion that if he does not speak out what he is or what he has done then he is free from its responsibility. MIL is an ostrich and has buried her head in the sand on the issue and is hoping if she pretends it did not happen it will eventually go away.

    result – Because STBX does not wish for a divorce I am seen as the one who has ended my marriage (like many others who have posted) all because I am bitter, ungrateful, unwilling to forgive, unwilling to give my issues to God to allow healing, unwilling to buy the BS that STBX was possed by a demonic spirit that forced him to cheat rendering him the victim not the perpetrator.

    A boomerang can drop a fully grown male Kangaroo when used properly, if only I knew how to throw one!!

    • my response to the “MrsVain…it is your fault because YOU filed for divorce!!” is “not at all, it is your fault XH because YOU decided to stick your dick into some hoodrat”

  • I absolutely have no idea how I found you, but I plan to talk about this Blog to everyone I know because you and your readers are brilliant! My platform is the support of victims and survivors of domestic violence. Sadly, cheating, particularly when it’s consistently denied, along with the attempt to make the victim think he or she is crazy is called gaslighting, a vicious form of emotional abuse. Your blog allows a sense of empowerment and camaraderie with those who have been or are hurting due to this mistreatment. I also enjoy some of the humor that has been shared so we can laugh along with each other instead of being laughed at, as has been the case in many instances when we talk about or stories. Kudos to you and everyone who comments. Truly awesome! Hugs…www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com .

    • Hi Ro, just checked out your blog. Do you have any recommendations for domestic violence survivors? Some of us could use a place for support.

      • Hey There Datdamwu: Thanks for the response. Once we’ve been able to physically remove ourselves, we’re then stuck with the emotional trauma tied to the abuse. Some seek therapy, some shut things out, pretending it never happened and some break down. If it’s affordable, we always recommend therapy, and that’s how we were able to start a group designed to help survivors, here in NC. Amazingly, one would think there would be more types of groups like this, but there are not. She gave permission to post flyers in the building where she works, and we posted information in domestic violence shelters, as well. We also posted flyers in thrift stores specifically designed to gain funds to help victims. Sadly, posting info on Facebook was not successful, because we think many may not have wanted to post back on that page, but there are groups who offer comments about their experiences. If therapy is not an option, there are many books on the subject, but we’ve found that reading and a support group work well together to help. The group started out small with 2 people, but eventually we grew to 23. The group is not necessarily one to bash our controllers, but a means to continue the healing process so we don’t go back into that same type of dangerous environment. in addition to meeting in my home, we participate in activities such as bowling, movies, slumber parties, etc. in an attempt to be who we desire to be. We are also available by phone or e-mail just to talk and offer support. If you’d like to talk more, please feel free to continue to e-mail, so we can brainstorm on a plan that works for you and your team. We’d be pleased to provide a contact number, as well. Super proud that you were able to move on! What a wonderful blessing! Hugs…www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com

      • Dat, I am a social worker and a donedtic violence survivor. DV is my passion. What type of information are you looking for? Each case is unique in some way. A woman’s risk of being killed by her Abuser goes up 70% when she leaves. This is a scary time.

        • Hey There MmmHmm! I love that as a survivor, you are able to use your skills as a social worker to help and mentor others who have been abused. Even if there wasn’t physical violence, the cheating, the verbal degradation, the isolation, etc. all hurt and still considered a part of the rollercoaster of domestic violence. Kudos and BIG Hugs to you!

  • I love this article and discussion. This here issue lies the heart of the abuse and the mindfuck and the way out. Take back our sense of right and wrong.

    My stbx is king of “moral superiority” He actually said having the affair felt like “the right thing to do” (still cannot wrap my mind around that one) that they “never meant to ruin their marriages” and after five months wanted me never to mention it again.

    Now he can speak with my lawyer. I am done. So much better to talk with people who are not trying to make me think and act in ways that deny my every sense and existence.

    It is one thing to understand how life feels for another person, to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and quite another to fuck yourself over by empathizing with someone who sees you as his tool. I know the difference now.

  • I want to add that my stbx always said in response to my saying that he did not seem happy in this marriage and we should talk about it that: “I am happier with you than without you.”

    What a statement.

    This was when he was in the throws of his affair.

    I felt bad hearing this. Is this all our relationship is? A slight bump up in the level of happiness for you?

    My mistake was, I did not think to act on my own. I was waiting for him to work things out either way: to become closer OR separate OR divorce. I thought I was working with someone who had love and empathy for my life for me as I did for him and his life. I realize I was radically alone then, fed by halting and distainful performances of “care” and his presence. Yuck.

    • I think because we want to have some control over a failing relationship, or the hope that somehow something will change, we wait, and we wait, and we wait for something to happen, failing to act on our own. Yet, it’s glorifying to see that you got out of the vicious cycle, where the focus is truly on YOU and all the good things you can now do in your life. BIG Hugs to you! http://www.intheknowithro.blogspot.com

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