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Dear Chump Lady, Why should I agree to divorce him?

divorcememeHi Chump Lady,

I want to ask about divorce as it’s a new year coming and with it brings new beginnings.

It’s been an enlightening holiday season with my ex and his antics but I’ve just ignored them. My daughter’s baby was due on 17 December, but she’s well overdue and will be induced tomorrow. My sister has a rare form of leukaemia and has a 25 percent survival rate so it’s been a challenging holiday period, but I’ve come through it feeling even further from the ex than I had imagined.

I have a complicated issue about divorce, in normal circumstances I get it he cheats, we divorce end of story,  but in my case I feel different. The woman he cheated with is Chinese and currently they live in China, as he has a work visa. This will expire in February, as will his employment contract, so he will have to return to the UK to look for work. The OW can only visit him on a tourist visa once or twice a year for 30 days each time. But the thing is, I know that OW is only with him for a permanent visa to live in the UK. I lived in China with my ex for 3 years, so know that this is all they want. It’s unbelievable I know, but it’s kudos for them to have a western guy.

So my problem is that why should I agree to divorce him when I’m quite happy with things as they are? I have my own life, I moved back to the UK, have my own flat, etc. This took some doing in my part, but I’ve done it. The only thing divorce would do is to help my ex get on in life and why should I help him do that? He was my best friend, but he shafted me so why should I help him now in agreeing to divorce?

In divorcing him, he can apply for a fiancée visa, which is what he needs right now to move on. Why should I be the one to help him in this? She can’t move to the UK without the divorce, why should I help her to obtain her goals and use him and me for a visa to the UK?


Dear Lilypickle,

With this marriage, I thee thwart you? “Commitment” as revenge is not as uncommon as you think. Some dress it up pretty and call it “standing for their marriage,” (they’ll come to their senses!) but I think you’re more clear-eyed than that. You simply wish to deny him a divorce so he cannot marry his little fortune cookie there.

Oh, but I think you should let him.

His fortune cookie reads: “Karma awaits you very soon.” On the flip side — Chinese word for the day! 白痴 báichī – idiot.

If you want revenge, let him marry someone who only wants him for a work visa. Ever see that show “90 Day Fiancée”? Train. Wreck.

However, Lilypickle, here at Chump Lady we counsel against revenge. You should divorce him not because it would screw up his life to marry her, but because it keeps YOU stuck with a fuckwit.

Seriously, staying married to this flagrant cheater is a bad idea for your mental health and your finances. And it’s an affront to marriage itself (if we’re so idealistic as to believe that marriage should be about love and commitment).

It sounds as if you are not financially dependent on this man. You have your own flat and your own life, whereas he is about to be unemployed. You’re taking a huge risk remaining married to a man in an active affair. He could run up debts you would be liable for. (Likely, as he is courting his schmoopie in another country.) He could pin you for support, if you don’t file before he loses his job.

Lilypickle, you’ve been given an opportunity here. The fact that he fervently wants a divorce works in your favor. Hold out for a good settlement. He’s so desperate for a new beginning with Ms. Cookie, he may take your terms.

You drag your feet on this, and delight in thwarting his happiness, Ms. Cookie will look for a new chump and you’re stuck with an unemployed cheater. Act now. See a lawyer.

Happy New Year!

Ask Chump Lady

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  • I know British divorce laws are different than the States but the bottom line remains the same. Get yourself a good solicitor and get a chunk of change and let the idiot get on with his life. Your letter does not read as if you love him anymore so getting the best revenge is getting as much money as possible. Then concentrate on your daughter and your sister and erase him from your life. If he is going to fight you over the money your ace in the hole is the divorce/ no divorce. There really is nothing like an old fool. Often times they are soon “parted from their money” so make sure you get it first.

    • Yeah, another important point to consider for sure: your best chance at getting a good deal is before he gets his head on straight and starts to focus on money instead of his magical imaginary life to be.

  • Divorce him and get on – what you fear happening probably wont materialize but in the meantime your getting yourself sorted and enforcing consequences which later on you will be glad you had strength to do.
    Better to rid him out of your life truly than be stuck in no mans land – I’ve just done the same – erased him as much as possible with kids and it feels good – the control is coming back to me and I wont ever give it over to my ex again – face your fear of divorce and be prepared for surprises !!! get your settlement asap too!

  • The best revenge is to live well and to go on and have a fabulous life ……sans cheater. You get your whole life ahead of you to do with what you please, and he gets …….himself and his karma in the form of a user…..schmoopie……you get to meh….and he gets used…….

  • LP,

    Let your “revenge” be a well lived life free of the adulterer and not what you may or may not be able to deny him. Plus, if he is willing to cheat so flagrantly in China, it is at least possible he’d do it or has done it already in the UK (and just was better covering it).It is a bad bet to gamble against his demonstrated cheating ways (i.e. that he won’t continue in another way in the UK).

    My heart goes out to you LP with all that is going on for you right now. CL is spot on about how it is wise to remember staying together gives him more opportunity to do damage to you (and your credit). And that does not even count all the ways he could continue to mess with your head via access to you by being married.


  • Lilypickle, I know it sounds like you’re in a pickle but from where I stand, your situation seems pretty clear. I totally get the desire for revenge, but I think you’ll feel better if you take the high road, even if it gives you a nosebleed. If you divorce him ASAP, you can move on with your cheater-free life, and concentrate on spending time with your sister and other loved ones, and he’s free to screw up his and his schmoopie’s lives however he sees fit. May the karma express come careering down Cheater Mountain.

  • If you are looking for revenge, that would be he finds out later the lady has used him. Let him have his head spun like he did yours. I had to wait until my ex had found a job, then I left. If you file AFTER he loses his job, you won’t be in such a good place. He will use ‘marriage money’ to keep his affair going. What I found out after I left are the other things he was using of ‘ours’ – accounts set up in furniture stores, our car fund account (was buying online subscriptions to weird sites to talk to her and him in ‘secret’). Accounts I would never check. Everyone always finds out more things after they have left the relationship. Please get out know. xoxo

  • Hi Lilypickle 🙂

    For some reason ‘The Great I Am’ told me he’d asked his best friend if he would ever consider cheating on his wife. She is from Thailand, is all about the money and was very keen to marry her western man 30 years her senior. Ex’s best friend said he’d never cheat – not because he loved her, not because he had better morals than the ex – no, but because apparently doing a ‘Bobbitt’ is an acceptable reaction to finding out you’ve been chumped! Yes, keeping his family jewels was a big incentive for him 😀

    Divorce the man – let him find out how freely he can indulge his peccadillos with a woman who’s culture endorses castration as an alternative to divorce 🙂 It might look all lovely to them both now, but the shine wears off eventually and in the end she’ll be getting a cheater and he’ll be getting someone to be genuinely afraid of! Seems like excellent Karma to me 😀

    Best wishes for you, your daughter, your new grandchild and your sister x

    • Sounds like she will have his balls in a Bloomingdale’s bag!
      BTW, every time I read “The Great I Am” it cracks me up. It is just perfect.

      • 🙂 I can’t take credit for it. It was coined by a friend donkey’s years ago when describing a full-on out and out Narcissist we both knew. I use it to describe shit for brains because, I agree, I think it’s perfect! I will also mangle the English language unashamedly in order to avoid calling him ‘my’ in any shape or form (as in ‘my ex’, ‘my cheater’ etc). 😀

        • I do that too, Jayne, do everything in my power to avoid calling him anything with ‘my’ in it, he’s usually just X or “the kids’ dad.” Oddly enough, the other day when picking up the kids he was blabbing about telling someone about a TV show and said, “I told them my ex-wife likes that show too.” I had an ‘ew’ reaction to that. I don’t want him referring to me as ‘my’ anything!

          • LOL Kira 🙂 I totally get that ‘ew’ reaction there 😀

            ‘The Great I Am’ can call me ‘The one tap-dancing on my grave’ if he wants! 😀

          • I haven’t gotten there yet, though I have noticed I still say “we went/did” a lot and am working on stopping that.

          • When talking about something that happened post D-Day to my children, I quite accidentally said the following: “After their father died….” I had to think about it for a full 15 seconds before I realized what was wrong with that sentence.

            • I’m sure you wished he would have died. I
              know I do. Sounds callous but my counselor says most victims of adultery feel that way because in death you get to keep the good memories, respect of the spouse and the house. So true.

              • What’s that line–“Divorce is harder than death because the corpse is up and walking around.”

              • LOL And casseroles! And life insurance! So many benefits to widowhood compared to chumpdom.

        • Good thinking Kira & Jayne….I hadn’t thought of that, that it is a possessive word. I am going to take that habit up. Is it too late for an annulment & just strike it from the books?

          • I’ve stricken him from the book of memory, Regina. When I talk about things we did/places we went to it is now “When I went hiking in the mountains” or “When I went to the beach.”

            • Yes! Me, too, Kira. If it’s something I did with the kids, I say “we.” But if it’s something involving only Himself, it’s now what “I” did.

              • oh oh – I want to play that too! I have since adopted X when referring him to family. But, still catch myself saying ‘our home’, ‘we climbed that too’, ‘our dogs’. I’m SO done with that. See why I love CN!

              • Thanks for this tip I will do the same – no longer ‘we’ just ‘I’ when referring to our lives together …in 30 years was a lot of ‘we’ I wasn’t sure how I was going to reframe all of my travel and adventures but now I know…its these small things that help to move us on more quickly – your advice is such a great resource. My dear Mother-in Law -whom I loved (bless her heart)- continued to allow her ex (my husbands father) to remain alive in her conversations and memories for the 25 years that she remained alive after he left her for wife number 2 and then wife number 3 – my observation of that was that it was not a good idea because his nastiness remained in her thoughts – she didn’t like or care for him but sometimes it was like they never split – he just was no longer in the room. I DO NOT want that – I say let him go and then you can free up space in your mind for new experiences and new relationships. if you are still connected to revenge or in some way concerning yourself with his happiness or misery you have less time to find your own peace, happiness and joy – honestly revenge rumination drains so much energy that is best spent somewhere else – he’s not worth your time. I had a friend that suggested that any time I found myself accidentally thinking about the ex that I should get up and move immediately – then redirect my thoughts to something I want to work on to increase my own happiness that is just about me. I find as time passes and the happier I am with my own life the less I think about revenge. Honestly there was only the one time today that I wondered what it would be like if he was dead….clearly its baby steps still for me but 12 months ago I am embarrassed to say he filled my every waking thought.

          • Oh another plus of widowhood-at least you finally know where the hell they are! And for once, they are really there!

      • LOL!!! Oh my gosh! Me too!! Jayne……..every time I see “The Great I Am” makes me die laughing too! That is precisely how ALL of the cheater think of themselves!

    • That’s pretty funny. I realized my first LTR SO was cheating because he stopped having sex with me for 6 weeks. I confronted him and he admitted he’d met someone, had decided he really wanted children (I did not) and so he wanted to leave. I know he cheated though he never admitted – insisted it was EA only but I kinda doubt that highly. Anyhow, I was actually fine with breaking up, we’d really not been a good couple for years so we remained friendly, I loved his family and they me so it was OK. What cracks me up is that when I talked to him after my current ex mind fucked me, first SO admitted he was afraid to have sex with me after he met his new woman because I’d told him exactly this: “If you ever fuck someone else and get back in bed with me I will kill you, or I will have you killed, remember this always”. He did, and he believed me. At least he didn’t mind fuck me once I told him to leave.

      • Dat–I understand your sentiment exactly. One of the things that most repulses me about my husband’s affair is that he continued to climb back in bed with me 4 times a week during his affair. Ugh, gross.

        Frankly, I consider it marital rape to have done so–I did not give informed consent for sex because I was not informed of his activities. (Loved your link to the site on Lying, BTW, which is related to this topic. Hope you don’t mind if I re-post it below.)

        • I don’t mind at all Tempest. That is, hands down the best thing I’ve ever read on lying and I only wish I could write that well.

          Jayne, I only wish my current ex had taken me so seriously about the death threats. Fact is, I’m so non-violent it’s a handicap so I guess my first SO didn’t realize that but recent ex totally knew it. Big sigh…

          • Dat……ditto for me too….on the so non-violent. And what?! We’re both Italian!! lol What’s up with that?! 🙂

          • Dat & IHaveHate-Don’t you have any friends that need to make a few bucks? Just kidding….but you know, that just could fly as a new business since this problem is so pervasive; maybe KickinCheaterAssIsUs? OK, could be a little more creative, but I think it has potential as a concept.

        • Tempest, the only thing worse than someone continuing to have sex with you while having an affair is when the APs (if you can call them that) were all sex trade workers (strippers, hookers, who knows…) and the sex with you was unprotected because YOU DIDN”T KNOW he was screwing other people too! Ugh. I love that article about lying too. In fact, I keep a copy of it on my computer at home so it’s handy whenever I need a reminder.

          Dat, I used to tell my STBX that I would take a vegetable peeler to his dick if he ever cheated on me. I so wish I had followed through… 😉

          • I agree with you, DaisyDNM, sex workers are worse, esp. without protection.

            L-O-V-E the vegetable peeler threat (it would have only taken once!).

            • Something equally as bad as sex workers. Multipale random other men.
              Over many years while lying when asked if he was unfaithful. Gaslighting while maintaining the facade of a Christian marriage. The insult is that he holds me to account for choosing to end our marriage, as it was expected by him and others that I would just see it as a slip up and get over it.
              I have been date raped as a teenage girl. That was bad. This was horrendous. My pray now and again is that he will contract an illness that will take him slowly and painfully. Not Christian I know but there will never be the opportunity for me to just cut it off.
              Negative I know sorry just one of those days I guess.

              • Thankful–none of us are going to judge you for wishes that your X might die slowly and painfully. No one who has lived through an infidelity nightmare didn’t think of a slow, painful demise of their cheater at least once.

                I hope tomorrow is better for you; the rough days do get more infrequent.

        • Man do I agree with that, sometimes back in bed with you with just a shower (I hope) to separate you. (ERGH!)

      • Lol Dat 😀

        Oh God, I don’t want the moral of the story to be ‘don’t ever cheat on me or I’ll ……’ but it’s not looking good for relying on integrity instead of threats of gruesome physical violence is it? 😉

  • LP, you ask: “The only thing divorce would do is to help my ex get on in life and why should I help him do that? He was my best friend, but he shafted me so why should I help him now in agreeing to divorce?”

    This question shows that your focus is still on your husband. He’s not your X until the divorce is granted, even if you have mentally moved on. The divorce is not about “helping” him; it’s about separating your lives legally so you can go on free of entanglements. You’re making your life about controlling his life. Let him go. With a cheater, you can never forget that for them “getting on in life” leaves them stuck with their cheating selves and their cheating APs. As long as you hang onto him, you actually feed their relationship by making it “them vs. you.” Many people (and not just cheaters) will sign on for all kinds of misery in order not to “lose” to someone else, so you might actually prolong their relationship by trying to thwart your husband’s desire for a divorce.

    Cut him loose. Focus on not caring about what he does. You refer to him as an “ex” so you feel on some level that the marriage is ove; the issue is your wish to control his future in order to punish him. That’s really the final struggle for many of us on the way to “meh”–getting to the place where you know he will bring his suckitude to every situation in his life, including his relationships to AP and other people, and that what you gain with a divorce is your freedom to make an awesome life without a cheater.

    • I agree with LAJ. First off, he’s not your “ex”—he’s your husband in every way that counts at this point. Financially and legally. To be an “ex” that means you are no longer tied together.

      He gave you the shaft and now you want……what? What is it that you want, Lilypickle? Revenge? Okay, so you’ve got it going on now for some time—is that working well? What it does is keep you embroiled in his life and drama, that’s it. You haven’t moved on, you can’t meet anyone new (would you want to bring someone into this nonsense?), you are consistently and constantly giving this man free real estate in your head.

      Why? Look at your end goal here, Lily. What is it that you WANT out of this situation? To make him sorry he shafted you? Pathological cheats and liars do not do sorry, ever. Why are you dragging your karma down into the slime with his over this? He treated you like shit, didn’t consult you, controlled your life without your consent—is this sounding a little like what you want to do to him right now?

      Let him get on with his fabulous life. It’s not going to be what you think—remember what he was like with YOU…this is WHO HE IS, Lily.

      My XH used to flirt right in front of me with other women…before, during and after the divorce. He would glom onto any PYT who would give him 5 minutes and boy would he SPARKLE. He’s a tall, handsome, deep voiced charmer when he wants to be—and those feelings of jealousy always rose to the surface. I want him to sparkle for ME, dammit! How DARE he do and say the sparkly things to HER that he did with ME!

      Yeah. Because it’s his schtick. It’s what they do. Until they don’t. Then it’s all misery and bullshit and drama on the daily.

      Be happy for them, Lily. She’s using him just the same as he’s been using her. Stand back and watch that nuclear explosion from a safe distance.

      Happy New Year!!

      • Thank you. I needed it too. Half the time, when I write something here, I’m talking to myself.

        • Thank you for sharing LAJ & Apple.

          Having a bit of a day read your posts and thought YES!!!!

          I watched mine flirt for years but did not register it in my head as flirting as it was with other guys. Now I see it with other women as STBX is desperate to maintain his hetro narrative.

          I have filed and have engaged a solicitor re property. This will not be easy but I fully agree that it is necessary in order to move forward.

    • Just remember that the rope will be wrapped around his ‘junk’. It would be worth watching him strangle!! 🙂 My ex is absolutely obsessed with Cambodian teenagers. Oh, he does flit between Vietnam and Thailand as well but he is obsessed with Cambodian ‘girls’ that he is aware of. In fact, I have heard that he will be retiring there shortly and that he is now looking terrible. Knowing his warped way of thinking, he would think that it will be girls and sex on tap and he is 62 years old. We Chumps are better off without these losers.

  • LOL! Fortune Cookie! We have that problem here in South Florida where there are many potential “schmoopies” on the prowl for American or Western men. We are #1 & #2 for AIDS in the Country (Dade & Broward counties) & have many other fine venereal diseases and broken families to show for it. When they put on the big infatuation act, the men fall like flies. Little do they know how short lived it will be. Not that we don’t have our own residents with agendas, but we are amateurs for sure.

    Chances are “Fortune Cookie” will be trying to drop a child soon too. This may get her child support or a wedding. They are all on birth control, but somehow it doesn’t work. (almost 100% effective last time I checked!) I like others say “Run!” I know you are comfortable as you are, and I can even understand your logic, being that you are not affected by him much anymore. But the problem is he is in that selfish driven stage of “wuv” and won’t care how he has to run over you to get what he wants-he has already proven that with the cheating. You also may be attaining things that will be half his.

    Believe me, chances are he is going to be sorry. Chances are very good she will take him down & he will be looking for your sympathies (barf!)
    CL makes MANY good points, as usual.

    • I agree there is a real phenomenon with women from some countries (not only Asian) looking for Western sugar daddies who will also supply a green card. However, can we think up a different name than “fortune cookies?” I have a Japanese-American friend who was mega-offended that one of her colleagues kept calling her “sushi.” Seems like “whore” might cover such women no matter the nationality.

      • Fair point. Sometimes I cannot resist the rhetorical flair. I was thinking more in lines of “twinkie,” arm candy, cloying sweet names for OW.

        • Also there are women in EVERY culture looking for a paying sucker. This isn’t unique to Asia.

            • Especially American Users – I’d call mine Hamburger cookie with a side of ketchup.

            • My granddaughter s are Chinese. And I was not one bit offended by ‘fortune cookie’ just an expression folks.
              They are cookies looking for a fortune. matter who the same schmoopie is.

              • Typing on an iPad ugh. I’m full blooded Italian and if you catch me banging your husband….by all means call me a ‘ meatball’

        • Perhaps “fortune hunter” covers them all? [With fortune being the green card, because, as we all know, cheaters themselves are no fortune.]

          • Let’s just call them what they are – gold diggers and be done with it. When it comes to getting an old jackass to part with his or her money, gender or nationality is not important. It’s all about the cash…

            • I am an Asian chump (Chinese descent) and “Fortune Cookie” made me flinch. I am not big on political correctness and don’t see the world from the viewpoint of “everyone is a racist”…but I flinched upon reading that. I have been coming to this site daily (couple of months now) for the support from other chumps and for the candor with which we all display when dealing with the realities of being chumped. I am absolutely fine with torching people for shitty character that leads to so much damage and devastation. Everyone here comes across as intelligent and thoughtful.

              Dday was August 4, 2013. I am not ready to tell my story yet, but reading these posts each day makes me laugh and helps me stay settled in my current state of “meh”. I decided that yesterday would be my “Tuesday” (this is as “meh” as I will get because I share a child with the Rat Bastard). I am resigned to the fact that the trauma of having my soul raped (thanks, Divorce Minister, for that perspective) will never be completely erased from my memory and have learned to coexist with that fact. It restores my faith in humanity to find a place (this blog) where cheaters are assigned full responsibility for cheating and its devastating aftermath.

              Ironically, my mother once told me that the reason I got chumped was because I didn’t marry my own kind (“a nice Chinese boy”). To grossly paraphrase my mother: “They don’t have the same values as we do. They think only of their personal happiness, not the bigger picture that includes duty to family, etc.”

              Most of us here seem to be in agreement that no one understands what it truly means to be chumped unless they’ve been chumped themselves. One can have great sympathy but not true understanding of the hell that comes with having been chumped. Similarly with being Chinese and seeing the words “Fortune Cookie” in this context…it stings a bit and I don’t expect anyone who isn’t Chinese to feel it. I’m all for frankness and candor, but I don’t think injecting race into this was necessary and probably distracted some of us a little bit from the true targets of our disdain in these posts: cheaters and their enablers/accomplices/AP’s.

              CL, I love your biting wit and have never been offended by your potty mouth one bit. Your way with words makes me laugh. You have been hilarious and are always spot on in my book. Many of us wish we had your ability to say it like it is and with flare. Wish I’d found you earlier in my journey to the State of Meh. But, “Fortune Cookie” did not make me laugh.


              • SD Chump; I am glad you are saying this about the “Fortune Cookie” reference because it seems very benign when you are not from an Asian Country. I am sure this is true for everyone who feels they are being singled out in some way. I want the chump place to not be offensive to anyone, certainly not a Chump in pain. Thank you for speaking up, and I for one am sorry I laughed at this if it hurt you or anyone else on the blog.

                When you are an older American (like me) you have seen so many changes, and I never envisioned us ladies (people) having to worry about our relationships because we are not a young, new piece of tail. And the “easy” is coming so fast, not only from afar, but here as well. For those of us who envisioned a secure future we had worked to build for almost our whole or whole adult lives, well our reality has been severely downgraded. It is hard not to notice that we now have to compete with a world of women of all ages & backgrounds, many (not all) of which have an agenda. But it doesn’t matter, once the trust is destroyed in a relationship it doesn’t matter anymore for what reason, foolish or not.

                I guess it always good to remember that if any person does not feel good about themselves, no one outside of them can help. All the free ass in the world will not fill a hole in someone’s heart.
                Best to you in your journey! And sorry for making you “flinch.”

              • Regina – Absolutely appreciate that you read my post and responded. I’d have been more offended by the label “Fortune Cookie” if I thought anyone here was actually racially insensitive. I remember when people use to tell me to “Go back to Vietnam” and my smart ass response would be “Don’t you mean China?” My wonderful Jewish landlady when I was in college use to brag about the wonderful “oriental girls” (referring to me and my Vietnamese roommates) who were always so nice, quiet, respectful and paid rent on time. We loved her and knew she was from a different time and that’s what all Asians were called back then…”oriental”. Now, when I hear the word “oriental” I expect it to be in reference to rugs. I hope to educate by humanizing the situation.

                Now, let’s get back to lambasting the cheaters and the losers who make their cheating possible. The Rat Bastard (I won’t refer to him as “my” anything either now) cheated with an older Mad Cow Disease (I’m not above name-calling when it’s appropriate) so they don’t all go for younger asses…just anyone who will say yes to them. He was lazy and she was easy. I left him after all the misery he put me through. I didn’t find out of he affair (too nice of a word?) until just before divorce was finalized. After feeling so guilty for “my part” of the marriage failing (son was young, mom giving me grief about not doing my part, etc.), I was given the gift of discovering that he’d been leading a double life for (at least) the last half of our marriage. Discovery came with some perks: vindication for me for leaving. I knew without really knowing. And Mom finally stopped being on the opposite side of me. But discovering also leaves lingering traces of anger and feelings of violation and “dirtiness.” The biggest struggle is having my life narrative (see Anna Fels article) severely messed with. How much of that life was real?

                I am in a good place now. Starting fresh with a new home, the one I always wanted and not the one I conceded to because he had to have an opinion in EVERYTHING. A long lost love from 15 years ago found me again and we are picking up where we left off. “So, this is how it’s supposed to be?” I ask myself from time to time. “The best revenge is a life well-lived” is what I strive for (after months and months of fantasizing of ways to off him without getting caught…after all, I still had a child to raise). I am lucky to be able to have that option. But, the ghost of the cheating and going back to my past life and having “Aha” moments that explain why he was always out of town on business, etc. still haunts me. I see him and everyone else in that former life in a completely different light. Couple friends? None left. We all know what great charmers they are. Heck, he charmed this very smart, sensible girl into almost 20 years with him.

                I can go on and on…but that’s it for now. Thanks, Regina, for taking a moment to notice.


              • No problem!
                Just for the record. the OW in my situation was not younger either. Was bringing up that many young ones down here in this area are looking for someone with a check, and as others have said there is status in some cultures to have Western man which I am in agreement with.
                I think people who use any general terms, such as Asian or Oriental do so with the intension NOT to offend, rather than the opposite.
                I was trying to make some points from the American woman perspective (mine anyhow & others I speak to)
                It sounds like you are getting to a much better place. May your best years be ahead.

              • Thank you, Regina. I am in a pretty good place now.

                Just as background, I am an Asian American woman who was raised for most of my life here in the States. I have the benefit of being multi-cultural in my upbringing, so I have that perspective. I do understand people’s awkwardness when they are really trying NOT to offend, so I like to take it upon myself to ease that awkwardness rather than immediately being defensive and taking offense when labels are tossed out that we may find offensive.

                During my dating days in college, I remember an abundance of interracial dating, especially among Asian girls/white boys. There was even a label for this phenomena…”yellow fever.” I remember having coffee with one boy who went on and on about his preference for Asian girls. “American girls…they are so tough and bossy…not soft like Asian girls.” Uh, hello! I AM American and ask my siblings how bossy I can be! The myth and stereotype of the submissive Asian girl was rampant at this time and my Asian friends and I hated it.

                I also get that what you are referring to is quite different and I do see it happening. It is based on a fantasy that each have of the other — Western man is weary/jaded with former life and wants easy/compliant “lotus flower” to dote on him. Young Asian girl sees opportunity for a better life in the West. Sometimes, it works out. Often times, the girl runs off once she is solidly established. This actually happened to a relative of mine (who was married and left his wife), so he’s actually Asian, but the promise of a life in the West was the key point. There are endless variations of this basic scenario across all cultures and nationalities.

                Great interacting with you, Regina. Looking forward to more of your feistiness in these posts!


              • SD: Well said, and it is interesting to hear. I really know very few Asian people down here. But you are right, bottom line is they are all living a fantasy, and when it doesn’t work out at least they have a shot at staying here (I mean from anywhere) But there is damage in the wake. Maybe cheaters are just cheaters, but now society seems to accept it and even think it is funny. It is hard to turn on a TV show that doesn’t have cheating as at least one of the themes. Men especially here are drawn by “easy” because that wasn’t so “easy” to find when I was growing up. They thought of it in terms of a “score!”. Now it is so easy it is more like a “fowl!”
                I guess I mourn the downfall of the quality of life here in America over the last couple of decades and most of it (IMO) is because we are so naïve as a country & many as individuals. Take us Chumps for instance, we have had a big wake up call when our most trusted confidante, lover & friend turned on us in an ugly way. We will get over it, but that child like innocence may not return. When people come from places where life is REALLY hard coming up, it would be impossible to come out of it with the same view of life that someone like me had growing up in suburbia here. I understand it & have compassion for it, I just don’t want it to invade our Country, and I know you don’t either. (Have done a lot of traveling)
                My real feeling of distaste is the people who come to take advantage of everything, from people, to programs, to relationships without much of a conscience about it. My Dad & his 2 brothers were graduates of West Point as were their Father & Grandfather. His 2 brothers both died in WWII, as a fighter & a bomber pilot, and my Father & his Mother never got over it. They left families and kids behind too, and were stellar people as well. Going back in the family tree on both sides there were many losses in war (I am not alone here, I know millions of families had/have been affected by the indescribable losses.) I don’t want to get in a war debate, but at that time it certainly was the honorable thing to do to serve your country & they served until they died. I as one lone person who watched what happened to my Father, and you know this is happening everywhere with people dying in/for this country’s defense, saw the price tag big time. All this bloodshed has been forgotten by many and folks that have come here to take advantage to me disrespect the cost of freedom, don’t know about it, or simply don’t care.
                I guess I am just a proud older American that wants our Country to have values & survive the debts and bad decisions. Our Nation really is Chump Nation, not just us Chumps!! This problem we speak of is just part of the greater whole of moral/ethical problems and I think it is scary. (For me at least) Maybe I am wrong, I sure hope so! But you just get this feeling in your gut….like we did about the cheating partners.

      • Listen, I make no excuse for trying to warn others about what is going on with the green cards with foreigners. This political correctness can go to such a point that people can’t say what they mean anymore, or warn others of danger. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, but once someone has crossed the line of decency to indecency that crashes into the lives of others-you lost your right to respectful treatment. You GET respect by GIVING respect.
        Talking about this person (Lady in UK’s Cheater mate) is in no way is related to a sweet lady who works in someone’s office taking guff, and I hope she has the guts to tell that guy to knock it off.
        Yes, it is true, tramps need love too, and Cheaters could be just good confused people gone awry. But at this location, we are trying to wind our way home from madness in any way we can. I enjoy get a belly laugh at the expense of Cheaters and their new mates. Do you think they care about us? They are laughing at how stupid we are right now.

        “Fortune Cookie” is harmless-is “whore” is less offensive?
        The people don’t care about hearing such information are those who have not been affected by it, and don’t think they will be. I can tell you of 5 families where I live with young kids ruined by this new form of selfishness. (or new in crazy numbers anyway) I could tell you 3 stories that would curl your hair, but I won’t.
        I do not think CL was being anything other than funny with this reference.
        If I thought that trumpeting this info from the rooftops would save another Chump, I would do it. I am lumping no-one in a category- I believe any person living in today’s world knows there are good and bad I every group, ethnicity, religion, etc., etc., etc.
        I love your posts, but this one I wanted to respectfully disagree. Hope I don’t regret hitting the send button, I am not trying to get anything going, I just wanted to offer a difference in opinion.

        • Regina: I fully took CL’s name to be in jest, and am completely with you that people should be aware of any opportunistic attempts by non-nationals to break apart families in order to get a green card. (My sister is in Southern Florida, and has tales of her own.) I’m with you–I would do almost anything to prevent even one more chump in this world.

          And I don’t even mind giving offense to such women/men who prey on other people to get ANY kind of good–a green card, money, a new car, diamonds, etc. That is why I think “whore” is completely appropriate–they are providing sexual and other favors in exchange for goods. If that name bothers them, they shouldn’t engage in actions that warrant the term.

          But f— cookie is markedly applied to one race, and might be taken as offensive by people who don’t deserve to be offended (Chinese chumps, say). As you know from my previous posts, I’m not against dark humor, snarky comments, or harsh judgment of cheaters and their APs [heck, that’s why I’m here]; I just feel more comfortable avoiding anything that might be racially interpreted, or finding terms that single out the opportunistic men/women of a race who break up people’s families from those of the same race that don’t.

          No offense taken (and none given, I hope!).

          • Thank you Tempest! This is one of the few places you can say whatever you want. You are right, anyone can be a Chump. I am in South Florida myself am seeing women get Chumped by green card seeking men as well. One who was 84 years old on a ventilator!! (He got her to marry him, he was under 30!) The social worker told me that his “real” girlfriend worked on the second floor. (84 year old my patient in hospital)

            Asswipes can come from anywhere, anytime. A little caution is never a bad idea, and I know as a card carrying Chump that naiveté has been a problem for me, thinking people aren’t capable of this, that & the other thing. Now I am a little damaged but I am now checking all my mirrors before I take a lane! I really don’t think people know how pervasive this is-many picture older men with not much going for them falling for the mail order bride or it’s more modern equivalent. But it is happening in all age groups- I guess almost everyone is susceptible to falling for having someone believing the sun doesn’t rise until they get up in the morning. (Especially The Great I Am’s) Stole that one
            I am sure Maria Shriver didn’t think her domestic help would be a competitor who would change her life! But let’s not get on the subject of SuperNarc Arnold.

            If you are one who can carry his/her slippers, coffee & breakfast on a tray, in the sexy outfit of his/her choice while closing a deal on your cell phone, & letting out the dog all while mouthing all the dirty talk he/she craves, you have no worries!
            Tempest, I do enjoy your posts they are funny & you are well spoken. Thank you for understanding my point, and I understand yours. (and agree) Your “Cracker Ass” Chump friend, Regina

            • Oh, Regina–you have no idea how your post takes my breath away. My saintly mother died prematurely at 64, and my father in S. Florida (a narcissist with a sex addiction) went to the wild side. As far as I know, he wasn’t targeted by green-card seeking women, but certainly by many other women who bled him dry, stole most of the things of value in his house, probably gave him STDs, and a whole host of other AWFUL events which I still cannot discuss (much less post here). This is not to say he wasn’t an easy target because of his addiction, but how he thought women in their 20s were in love with a crotchety 70-year old man beggars belief. I know he was lonely; but his level of self-awareness was next to nothing.

              How lonely that 84-year old woman must have been to agree to marry the 30-year old gold-digger.

              Perhaps we’ll meet up one day to trade stories in S FL when I visit my sister!

              • I somehow replied to this in the wrong place Tempest, read way below. My Dad was married & divorced 3 times too, to where he had nothing. He was a Chumpy Cheater if there is such a thing. (Let’s just use stupid so as not to mar the Chumpy name)

  • Lilypickle–When an ocean liner is going down, you want to get off it. Use your lifeboat.

  • Yeah, you can be on your float with a mint julep watching the disaster go down. You can give him the “float wave.”

  • Lilypickle, CL and all the posts urging you to divorce are spot on. Heed this counsel asap. He does not deserve the title, if only legally, of being your husband.

    The deep hurt after such betrayal can mess up our nornally clear thinking. Wanting revenge in this way comes from the limbic/emotional brain. It has positive intent to protect, but is often not logical. So let all our mighty chump posts help restart your prefrontal cortex – the logical thinking part of the brain!

    My mantra during the ‘do i/dont i divorce him’ stage (for various limbic reasons) became: what do I deserve? Notice how this has NOTHING to do with him. And everything to do with ME…and truly moving on.

  • Lily-there probably isn’t a chump here that doesn’t understand how you’re feeling. Besides my crippling fear of being alone, one of my first thoughts after dday was “there is no way I’m going to let that skank move into my life.” So I held on for three more years (mostly out of fear) but all I have to show for that is regret that I didn’t pull the trigger on divorce sooner.

    I don’t know all the legalities of divorce in or out of the states but what CL says makes a lot of sense. Better to bail while he’s still madly in the throws of twu wuv and you can potentially leverage more assets from him or even just get a fair settlement.

    I know this thought is probably furthest from your mind at the moment, but what about the potential of finding someone that is truly worthy of your trust and love? You can hardly do that while your wagon is still hitched to your cheater husband. It doesn’t sound like you’re emotionally vested in him anymore so why not finish cutting the cord? There are better times ahead without a cheater in your life.

  • I have to agree with chump lady just when you think you’re prohibiting him from moving forward it can actually backfire on you ,hinder your progress and your happiness. Revenge is something us chumps should never do it keeps us from being happy with our selves and keep us in a tangled web of distress. best wishes to you

  • I don’t know how it works in the UK, but here in the US, if you are still employed and he has no job, YOU could end up having to pay HIM support. Get out of that marriage ASAP! Forget about him and his green card skank — he will pay a high price in karma for that, so protect yourself and leave him to the misery that is surely coming down the tracks.

  • lilypickle,

    Divorce him now. Not sure if UK is like Canada but he is leaving with 1/2 the marital assets. Do you need to have him accessing half your pension past your “physical separation” (unless you’ve got a separation agreement ironed out with dates delineating when you last shared assets on an official separation date prior to divorce). He can still go after any of your property (including cars, pensions, bank accounts, houses, stocks, bonds etc. etc. ) even if a lot of the expenditure was after you “separated” if you don’t have an agreement in place. He can also rack up debt and offload 1/2 to you. Oh and if you live in the land of no-fault watch out for that lovely smack of “spousal support” to add insult to injury! How’s that gonna feel for you?

    And if the jacktard wants his bit of strange let him. He is no longer your worry. Screw him. Let him go off and YOU BE HAPPY or at least at peace. Let him think he’s having a favour done and use his haste to get the OW to the UK as a bargaining chip for your lawyer.The honeymoon phase for him will never last long.

    Concentrate on what you can really make a difference in doing. You be here for your daughter and your sister, people who actually appreciate you! Your sister definitely needs full emotional support right now no matter what her outcome. NC the SBXH as well. Moping about what is unfair will spin your wheels. Just get the divorce done with a proper lawyer of course to protect your finances and get it done before he loses his job or incurs debt related to his little “china girl” (I’m so sorry David Bowie)

    • Sorry, should also mention. Congratulations on your coming grandchild! Enjoy this time with your daughter and her family.

  • Cutting off your nose to spite your face is what staying married to this old fool would be. You would be underwriting his antics financially as he blows joint assets on his little moneygrabber, if he becomes unemployed it could come back on you in some way and you are stuck in his sorry mess with him.
    The best revenge here is to act quickly in protecting yourself and let her have him.

  • Oh wow Lily, I can understand to some degree your logic. At the very least you’ve indicated being stuck but for different reasons than the average chump. As for me , I remain stuck 2 1/2 years post dday. Wishing he would just hurry up and cheat again (as they 99% of the time do. ) At least there would not be a repeat of hysterical bonding which the courts see as forgiveness. I could receive a settlement that would allow more security for me and our disabled adult child. Any advice ?

    • Kim……my advice…..go find a whore and dangle ‘it’ in front of him. Walah!! There’s your settlement and security!

  • Okay, the link turns up a whole lot of ecards. The one I had in mind said,

    “I had the most wonderful dream about you. You were screaming and on fire.”

    (Harsh, but dark humor has gotten me through the past 3.5 months.)

    • Dream they are “screaming and on fire” and there is only a volunteer fire department mostly made up of drunks. And your call comes in late because you had to XX out of all the XXX photos to get to the dial grid! OK now I am going off the chain.

  • Hi again Lilypickle 🙂

    I’m obsessing a bit about the cultural differences and expectations, please don’t underestimate them! Look, both the OW and your STBXH are living a fantasy life. He’s got a ‘Shogun’ obsession going on, where he is the master of all he surveys with his compliant and adoring asian wife knelt at his feet and attending to his every whim. She’s got a fantasy going on where her western man is going to whisk her away to the land of milk and honey (UK – hahaha) where we all live in Downton Abbey and she will be taken care of (along with all her extended family) ad infinitum. Imagine her surprise when she discovers unemployment means being vilified by the entire national press, that she will have to live in a one bedroomed flat, visiting food banks and trying to make £66 per week cover even the household heating bills! In no time at all she’s going to be venting her massive disappointment (at the same time as jumping through all the hoops immigration require – they’ll have to really know each other – and how much can they really know each other, given the age differences?) – she’ll have to travel too and from the chinese embassy each and every time they want to check their relationship is legit, and spend hours upon hours waiting to answer their questions (Thai wife mentioned above went through hell with this – and don’t get me wrong here, she was well connected and monied and he was head of a university department, so it’s not just for the hoi polloi). Well, I’ve seen a Chinese wife in full scale scold – it’s not pretty, nor fun, and she is going to be so disappointed that her fantasy wasn’t realised! The best, best, bestest revenge you can take is to make this scenario come to reality asap for your STBXH – sit back and enjoy! His fantasy will become a nightmare he’ll NEVER be able to get out of (I don’t think they are very big on divorce in China you know).

    Divorce him babe, let his dreams truly come true! Bwahahahaha! xxxx

  • Lilypickle, I immediately filed for divorce the minute my ex told me he wasn’t happy … again. I didn’t know then there was another OW (third that I know of) but it didn’t matter. I was done. My ex didn’t want the divorce and we would still be married if I didn’t file, even though he moved in with the final OW before the divorce was final. I wanted to get out of his way. As my son aptly put in, he was going down the rabbit hole really fast, so why go with him? Instead, only I mattered. What he did was no longer my business and I didn’t want it to be my business. Getting divorced cut off any strings I had. Yes, it took more time to get to meh but I wouldn’t have reached meh if I was still legally attached to him. My counsellor was so concerned about the marital assets when he was spending a lot of money on the OW but I got a very fair settlement because I acted very quickly. He has since married the OW and he is her third husband. Do I regret divorcing him? Not.even.for.a.nanosecond.

    I’m not sure how it works in the UK, but I could have gotten a divorce here in my state even if my ex refused to sign the papers. So by not granting him a divorce, you frustrate him and his plans. But what does that do to you? You don’t control him and you never can, even if you think you can. Your best friend is long gone but why not make yourself your best friend and start by cutting him off from your life and concentrate your energy on your daughter and sister, not to mention yourself.

    Revenge is a funny thing. It feels good and yet in the long run, it eats us up. Better to create a brand new, joyful, cheater-free life that will crowd out the old. And then you won’t even care if the karma bus comes or not because now your ex has become completely irrelevant.

    • Wow Uniquelyme, i love what you said: “Revenge is a funny thing. It feels good and yet in the long run, it eats us up. Better to create a brand new, joyful, cheater-free life that will crowd out the old. And then you won’t even care if the karma bus comes or not because now your ex has become completely irrelevant.” love it love it… That’s where I want to get, to such a place of MEH where I wont care if the Karma bus stops or not. 🙂

  • Totally agree on the “unknown and unforseeable risks of being married to a cheater”.

    I literally slept like a baby for the first time in a long time once the divorce decree was official and I was no longer on the hook for whatever calamity my ex could possibly foist upon herself and me.

    We had a separation agreement before that, but I really didn’t trust that not to change until the marriage was dissolved because it could be re-litigated.

    • Lyn – that’s a really positive article. Thank you for sharing it 🙂 x

      Sadly, I’m still stuck at ‘I don’t want to be Gandhi, I don’t want to be Mother Theresa, I don’t want to get to Nirvana or Heaven – can’t I just be an ordinary Jane who doesn’t have to suffer trauma after trauma. I liked people well enough before, I was kind and compassionate, I cared deeply for the people I loved. Can I just have a little ignorance now please’?

      Not very evolved attitude, I appreciate, but honestly, sainthood was never my ambition!

      Sorry Lyn, don’t want to sound ungrateful (I’m not at all, bless you for thinking of us all and sharing an uplifting, and no doubt true, message when we need it) I’m just tired of trying to make silk purses out of sows ears 🙁

      Please ignore me – I’m a miserable fucker sometimes! 🙂

      • Not ignoring you Jayne! Better luck next time! I hear what you are saying….I have had people tell me that going through Hell builds character!
        I have character to sell at this point- but the trouble is, people without it don’t know it or that they don’t have it. They have been getting by just fine without it! I have sows ears quilts in the warehouse right now & no orders! Perhaps you could help with pillows to match?
        If there is reincarnation, I want a break next time, I think being a clueless jerk looks pretty good! Position applied for: couch

  • LP, I’m from the UK too and I would say divorce the f*cker, try asking for more than half your joint assets (you never know, there may be some guilt and he may go for it) but get at least 50% in a clean break. Then, the blood sucking, energy draining piece of shit will have no claim on your future earnings and pensions and you will feel like you have lost 12 stone or so of unsightly flab. I know, my divorce came through before Christmas, 50/50 split, clean break and I feel like I’ve been released from a prison sentence. The Decree Absolute arrived within six months of D Day because I didn’t hang about. Oh, and one word of advice, to do it this quickly you obviously need to divorce on the grounds of adultery. I really wanted to name the OW in the divorce but my lawyer pointed out that if I did that, it is more expensive because she would have to be served, plus, she could hold proceedings up by not responding. I was disappointed not to name her at first, but when I saw her on the court documents referred to as ‘an un-named woman’, I actually quite liked it as it kind of made her insignificant, which is how I want her to feel.
    Anyway, good luck with everything, and I hope 2015 is your year. x

    • Elle – I really like that ‘un-named woman’ thing! I too am from the UK and wanted to divorce on grounds of adultery, naming the OW. It’s a bit like vanity publishing though, isn’t it? Costs a bloody fortune and requires her to play ball! How delicious that she got referred to as ‘un-named woman’. I totally agree, makes her insignificant and somehow implies on in a long line of OW 😀 I wish my useless solicitor had told me about that!

      Best wishes for New Year to you Elle x

    • I love the one “I wish I could order Karma like a pizza & have it delivered in 30 minutes or less!” Give me a side of those garlic Karma sticks and a giant Karma cookie too please! And make it snappy!

  • Follow the advice on here and divorce. Maybe the UK is different but I doubt you’ll be able to deny him a divorce. It takes 1 to divorce, not 2. He could file and make it so you have no choice (financially, emotionally, living wise etc) but to sign. If he’s in panic mode to get that fiancé visa going then all he needs to do is be the first to file. You don’t actually control whether or not he files so while your logic of denying him may seem appealing, it’s not based on reality or solid grounding as he still holds the power in your scenario. The only thing you control is whether you file. I suggest doing it now while you’re ahead.

    • Actually, you are very right there fiestypants. In the UK the ONLY reason for divorce is ‘irreconcilable differences’ and it can be argued easily that if one partner wants to divorce but the other partner doesn’t then there are ‘irreconcilable differences’ Catch 22. Lilypickle, you’d hate it if your ex decided he’d take this bull by the horns and started divorce proceedings first, but he could. There’s nothing stopping him. You maybe would save yourself the cost of filing, you don’t have to get a solicitor if you don’t want to wrangle over the marital assets, but be aware, it’s not all on your say so. He doesn’t need your permission.

  • Hey Lilypickle, I have no time to read all the comments and maybe I’m off base. Having been stuck with a cheater who refused to divorce me I cannot wrap my head around a chump who would do that. IMO, what you are considering is abusive, it’s dishonest and unethical. Is that really where you want to be? Down there with the abusive assholes who cheat on chumps and then refuse to divorce them? Seriously, I understand the desire for justice, but you can’t really get that without becoming what you abhor. Will you be a person that inflicts their will and inflicts pain on others in order to control their lives? That’s what abusers do, after all, only their pain is important. If you do this you also give your husband power and control over your own life. Everything you do will still have to consider him, I can’t imagine a worse way to live. Divorce him so you can move past the pain and stop caring about his sorry ass.

    • Dat, this isn’t about revenge. The man lives overseas. He might be stuffing money in mattresses for all she knows. She needs a shark for a solicitor. She is old enough to have grandchildren so unless she has a good income of her own she needs to make sure she gets her share of the family money. Not revenge. Taking care of herself.

      • Let go, no, Boiled down, she says she doesn’t want to divorce him in order to control his life. That is abusive

        • Dat, I know she wants revenge which is going to bite her in the butt. What she needs is a good solicitor to guide her through the British court system so she can get what is her right and then I hope she gets on with her life. He has definitely gotten on with his. Emotional pain makes people do crazy things so she needs legal support and information.

  • I am the Queen of Protracted Separations. My husband fled our home one day after I told him I knew he was having an affair, on October 13, 2005. Our divorce was not finalized until March 6, 2012, because neither of us initiated a divorce until I finally did it, in late 2010. There was no real contact between us during this time either. No phone or in-person contacts. Very little real email or text contact. I did send him hundreds of hateful emails, perhaps even thousands. A year after we split, he flippantly told me that I’d sent him 693 hateful emails. I told him to hang on, more were coming. I was angry, hurt, devastated. He ran out of our home like a cowardly chicken shit, without listening to me to utter one syllable about his mind boggling betrayal,

    For part of this nightmare, I couldn’t divorce. I was stuck. For a year perhaps, I wanted him to apologize and come home. But eventually I got over that serious bit of psychosis. Then, I was just too overwhelmed with everything to even manage a divorce. I was in nursing school, starting a new job, my kids were getting married right and left, it was a busy time. But the biggest thing was, he was being very generous financially.

    Most of the people who loved and cared for me wanted me to do it already, get it over with, cut the unfortunate ties that were binding me to a sinking ship, the farce that was the marriage that I had cherished. There were, I now know, issues related to not moving forward with a divorce. But, my main issue issue was the money. I know it sounds greedy. But my thought was, this is horrible for me no matter what. Being broke any sooner than I have to be isn’t going to make me feel better.

    If I had to do it over again, I’d do the same thing. I don’t regret it. But here’s the rub. I did it FOR ME, not against him. It wasn’t a revenge thing and a keeping him from moving on thing. If he wanted to move on in some way that only a divorce would help him to realize, he was welcome to file. He obviously didn’t mind giving me the money because he gave it freely, there was no court order. (And when there was, in the divorce decree, it was significantly less and now I live pretty much paycheck to paycheck.)

    I do feel that there was an emotional price attached to not filing as soon as I realized it was over. It prolonged my healing. I’ve healed a thousand times more in the few years since it was final than I did in all those years we were separated.

    I think the whole revenge thing is yucky. I know we all think about revenge, that’s natural. But to act on it? That’s on you, it says something is dysfunctional on your end. Don’t be that person! In order to be a healthy and whole person, you have to do what is best for you, not what is worst for him!

    One of my favorite quotes now is, “Let go or be dragged.”

    • Carol, my position is similar. Separated since 2009, decree nisi since 2013, still joint bank accounts and savings. Fora long time I harboured an empty hope that it was all a nightmare then worried about cutting off access to his earnings and going it alone.
      Is it a fools paradise though? I am aware that he lies, is influenced by OW, and is no longer a person I know or trust….at any time it could change without warning.
      I am now taking charge with the help of a lawyer. It is scary but what is the alternative? It is encouraging to know that you feel better for having cut the ties less money or not.

  • Lilypickle, you should look at your situation as being very fortunate at this point. You can use his anxiety to be with his schmoopie, by giving you the divorce and the best conditions possible so he can be with her as soon as possible. Use his twu luv brain fog to make him agree (through a lawyer) to the best conditions for you! Act as if you want to help him make his dream come true, but that it is only fair that you receive your corresponding part. Also, remember men can get women pregnant at any age. If this OW is a player, as you say, I would also be very concerned about a possible pregnancy which might screw your assets up even further if your cheater happens to die before you get divorced. I agree with CL and everyone else who has commented. The best revenge is a life well lived and watching cheaters marry their affair partners, who are real-life losers and not fantasy romances made in heaven.

  • I understand exactly where you are coming from Lilypickle. When I was in the process of divorcing my cheating husband I began to think similar thoughts – “Why I should I divorce him so he can ride off into the sunset with his floozie and live happily ever after?”

    I spoke to my solicitor about this ( I am in UK) and he pointed out that, under UK law;-

    a. He could divorce me in 5 years anyway, whether I agreed or not and
    b. If I stopped proceedings and decided to divorce later I could no longer cite adultery as a reason. If you live with a cheater for more than 6 months after discovering the adultery and do not file for divorce in that time the Court will say you have “forgiven” the adultery and will not give a divorce on those grounds.

    So I pushed ahead and got the divorce in 6 months. They got married 4 years later, and she was about 6 months pregnant when she walked down the aisle. So much for being the “woman of his dreams”.

    I think you should cut him loose. You need to draw a line in the sand and move forward without this unnecessary baggage. Give him what he wants (like I did) and he may find it wasn’t what he wanted after all.

    Divorce for you not him and send him that you are your own person and you don’t want to carry deadwood around with you.

  • Divorce him. Sever ALL ties. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that by denying him a divorce you are getting one over on him.
    Secure your finances through the courts. Walk away.
    His new life will not end well. Don’t lose your assets because of HIS stupidity. Good Luck.

  • In our country, a spouse can apply for divorce and be granted the divorce whether or not the other spouse likes it or consents to it..The issues arise with custody and settlement of assets, untangling finances, legal responsibilities..So if your ex wants a divorce to move on, I would let him, before a huge amount of hatred on his part comes into the picture..Because this will make a divorce a hugely difficult and lengthy process.

  • I was more eager for the divorce after cheater gave schmoopie #4 (#5?) an engagement ring. I WANT them to get married. I really do.
    Nobody deserves to get married to each other more than them.
    I’ll eat popcorn and watch.

  • I am in a similar situation as LP with one big difference: delaying divorce until February 2016 allows me to stay in my country of residence. Eight years ago I moved from Europe to Africa to join my then boyfriend (married a year later). I have got a permanent visa which becomes null and void when the marriage is dissolved within 2 years after issuing the visa. That period will end in February 2016. No visa means no work permit so then I’d have to go back to my home country.
    Apart from physical abuse in the past, my husband currently has his second EA (or PA at this stage, not sure) and initiated a divorce (and I’m pick-me-dancing like a clown trying to win him back which he has no interest in…I keep on dancing anyway, making a fool of myself). Initially he agreed with delaying for the sake of my visa. Now he says his EA/PA is getting more serious and he no longer wants to stall.
    It boils down to the fact that I gave up my life in Europe 8 years ago to join him in Africa (of course my own decision); fast forward 8 years later he says “sorry your visa didn’t work out. Go back to your country now”. This just feels so unbelievably unjust to me and reason enough to delay the divorce just to show him I won’t take his shit.
    My lawyer recommends to wait until my H proceeds with filing as that apparently gives me a better chance of getting ‘rehabilitative maintenance’ until I find a job back in my home country. The thing is: In 8 years I have build up a life here, it’s my home, I like my job and I’d like to stay where I am. In all honesty: some sick hopium does play a part in this. Working for the same company and living on the same property makes it extremely hard sometimes but I presume that will get better when I start trusting that he sucks (head is there, heart is not, not by far). Apart from that: going back to Europe now with an 8 year work experience gap…in these times..ha, is going to be a tough one.
    Any advice?

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