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Chumpfetti, or How Did You Get Rid of Their Crap?

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garbageSo yesterday’s post about Bea’s letter got me thinking about old letters, Valentine’s, tie-dyed license plate covers and other tokens of cheater affection. (To the uninitiated, my cheating ex once gave me a tie-dyed license plate cover for Christmas after D-Day. Because I’m a “hippy chick.”)

There’s THAT crap — the crap they gave you. And then there is the other detritus of cheaters — the crap they leave behind. Their high school year books… their pilled sweaters… their children. Somehow cheaters seem to think personal organizing is YOUR job. And aren’t you building a shrine for them? Save it! Because you could always be Plan B if you pick me dance hard enough!

I’d like to know — what did you do with their crap? Did you get a 24-foot-cubic dumpster? A storage locker? A shredder (to make “chumpfetti”)?

And of course, no sooner do you make a decision about their crap, then they’re asking for it. “Do you have my book on West Virginia coal mining?” (This was an actual query sent to my lawyer.) “The fountain pen my uncle gave me?” “My fishing rod”?

NO. But maybe if you weren’t circulating between multiple households of women, you might know where you left it.

Geez. So tell me YOUR strategies for cheater crap. Help the newbies. Help the storage locker industry.

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  • Hired movers to take half of the stuff to one girlfriend’s house, half to the other girlfriend. Completely impersonal on my part (no interaction) and let the APs know I wasn’t dancing to keep him. I have a day dream that the APs found out about each other because he had to explain where half of his stuff was but alas I shall never know for certain without asking so I will satisfy myself with the fantasy instead.

      • You see, I don’t miss my ex’s. My current, successful life is testament to that. If I missed them, I’d be sitting here and still pining for them. Don’t have time for that shit, and never did anyway.
        The only reason you find ‘same old sex’ with the same person boring as fuck is because YOU are shit in bed and can’t be fucking bothered making it better yourself, and neither can your pathetic excuse of a wife. Not to mention you don’t see the sacredness of the act itself, its just a selfish means to an end for you. How about the novel concept of you finding new and exciting ways to please each other, instead of going the easy way out and fucking other people? Oh, but this ties in the above – you wouldn’t know passion if it 2×4’d you upside your head, you twit.
        I do know what I’m missing. STD’s. Russian roulette on whatever fucking skank decides shes going to invade my territory and take whats rightfully mine. Questionable paternity (if I were male). All of these things are great to avoid, sure as hell means less dramatic shit in my life! 🙂
        You also forget the small but not insignificant fact that EVEN if you wanted to try this ‘open marriage’ crap (Why get married if you just want to fuck around, anyway? As far as I’m concerned, an ‘open marriage’ is a crock of shit) that if you expressed that view to a narcissistic cheater, they would rain hellfire upon you for daring to take away from their kibble dance.
        I suggest you piss off.

          • I’m deleting them as I see them. You may get to them before I do, in which case, yeah, it’s going to make for weird reading. Just try and ignore until I can push the trap door button.

            • Oh good, I thought Lania had gone off the deep end for a minute, whew, just responding to a troll comment that’s gone. I’m sure it was spot on Lania! LOL

              • Yeah. I assure you guys I’m not completely nuts! (Though my comments do still stand as practical advice I guess? :D)

            • Can you replace the troll postings with a kitten cartoon? I’ve been deliberately ignoring them. The less we take their bait, the less they might stick around. There’s a metaphor in there I think.

            • Yes, today’s troll was extolling marital free love and sexual novelty, instead of only cheater-forgiveness like the prior ones. A new take on troll problem solving, I guess.

              • That reminded me that my ex narc was looking for free love and sexual novelty and ended up with another narc. Letting it play out is the best revenge. My children say she won’t let him out of the house. I guess he’s house trained finally.

              • I don’t need to cheat to have sexual novelty. That’s what God created imagination for, to say nothing of fun toys and books like Magic of Sex.

    • Genius Green Girl! I only got as far ask asking the OW if she would take some boxes, but she replied that she would if my stupid husband asks her. I should have done what you did!

        • This posted under the wrong comment. Hmmm?
          Should have went with the idea of photo shopping an Ass into the large family photo. LMAO!
          Hope this one lands right so y’all won’t think I’m nuts!

  • I donated it to charity and burnt all the personal stuff in a lovely fire pit I built myself after he left! Then I moved house without one piece of his bad juju following me.

    • Hahahaha! That’s EXACTLY what I’m about to do today – except for his tools, those are going to the pawn shop to be sold. His camera has already been sold to a friends daughter , and I’m giving her his Adobe Photoshop software as well as his lens filters. I already sold his Harley Davidson jacket to a co-worker.

  • Tossed it. Every single piece I find including the $100LasVegas chip. Yea. I could always use the money, but knowing what I know about him, he might have used it as a sex toy.

    • I literally tossed it all too. Everything. I wasn’t in the right mind to donate it, so I did the next best thing. I made sure every piece was damaged here or there so he couldn’t go dumpster diving and take it. I figured, I bought most of it so I’ll decide what happens with it.

  • Along with photos, books,music that the ex left behind was an old truck……..loaded all the stuff that I had no interest in storing or looking at into the truck, along with my bicycle and dropped off the truck at his house. I then rode my bicycle and felt very liberated as I rode off into the sunset or maybe I was meh-bound?

  • I wish I could say I was mighty on this but alas, I’m still a chump. My ex has moved out in piecemeal. She made maybe three or four good trips. She took nothing big; no furniture or anything like that.

    My last interaction with her was her telling me she can’t take any more because her storage locker is full. Gee, maybe that’s why she left me with huge debt because she kept buying tons of crap no one uses! I still find loads of stuff in the closets, basement, attic, etc. I admit, I kept the last letters/cards I found over the summer. I did this just to remind me it was real once. Now, what to do with the rest….

  • First of all: I love this blog. Helped me immensly.
    Secondly: 10 months since Dday. Have a 4 year old daughter with my narc X. I got rid of all his personal stuff, but what shall I do with photos? Photos of him and my daughter, photos from the times before Dday etc. I sort of think I should keep them, so that my daughter could have some memories and me as well. But somehow everything seems to be so tainted. Knowing the things about him, I know now and knowing he was a lier all along. So sad.
    What is your opinion dear fellow chumps?

    • Take the photos, have them scanned and stored on a disc and then put it in some dark corner where you won’t be tempted to take it out and remember the “good” times because you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to determine when was “real” and when was “tainted.” Your first instincts are correct – it’s ALL tainted because he was always who he is now – you just had your blinkers on and couldn’t see beyond all the sparkle he was tossing in the air. When your daughter is older – you can give her the pictures if she wants them – the ones of him and her and even of all three of you. But as for your pictures of you with him? I’d probably scan them as historical record and give them to your daughter as well when she’s an adult. Because do you want to be reminded at any point in life that you were chumped? It’s sad….but he is what he is. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

      • Dear Char,
        Thank you for your reply. It is incredible how much you have understood me. It feels really nice. Your advice is really sensible and this is is exactly what I’m going to do. Thank you!

      • If I were in your shoes, I would probably just box up any hard copy images and tape up the box and stick it in the attic or some back corner of some closet, saved for your daughter when she is older. Digital versions could need maintenance if technology changes in the next 10 to 15 years (like the journey from cassettes, CDs, mp3s, etc., has been short…maybe things will change for digital photos too?), and I personally wouldn’t want to have to delve back into that to update those files to some other format or whatever. Printed snapshots should last well enough for that timeframe and require very little effort on your part.

    • I have packed all the photos of STBX in with his stuff. If he wants to share them with the kids that is up to him. But at the rate he is going I give it two years before all if them no longer give a crap.

    • What to do with the big family photo that is hanging in the living room? Like you said…it seems so tainted. That, and I don’t want to see his goofy mug looking back at me every time I walk in the room. I have left it there because it would seem so obvious to just remove it, I was thinking the kids might be upset. Honestly, that can’t be as upsetting to them as what he did, it seems ridiculous to just leave it there. Maybe I’ll paint the room and just forget to put it back up

      • Take the photo down! Keeping it is still give him power to dominate your life!..But redecorate with your kids opinions, so they feel like they are participating. If they participate, then they will feel better about the whole thing. My daughters are doing this with me, and they kept pressuring their dad (the cheater) to take out his things faster so they could move in to his office room and they could get new furniture. But just moving the furniture around, painting walls or finding different functions to old rooms will help if you can´t move out.

      • Take a new family photo, you and the kids. And any pets, or extended family, or family friends. Replace the old photo with a new, current one of people who matter. (this is in reply to DramaFreeMe, my comments don’t always nest where I want them to.)

      • Paint the room, or at least that wall. Then start with a fresh canvas (as they say on HGTV) and maybe do two or three photos in expensive frames. I’d suggest having your favorite photos enlarged. If you have an IKEA, they have nice inexpensive frames. I did a whole wall with images that were meaningful to me (although I wasn’t replacing a Jackass photo) because I was struggling so hard just to hold on to my life last year. Making that wall really helped set the tone for my home.

    • Photo give all pictures of your daughter and him … To him. The family ones…store in a box… She may or may not want to see them someday. And the rest… To the fire gods.

      • My ex didn’t want any photos. So basically I have them all and he’s not interested. Weird to erase half you life at 40 something. And creepy as fuck.

        • Nord, my ex the same. Not interested in any photos, videos of us, his daughter, nada. Weird as fuck. I even has his photos before the times we were a couple…I’m going to send those to his mother.
          When i asked him if he wants me to send any new photos of our daughter, he answered: of course you CAN send them if you want to. WTF! How very interested he seems. Not! Grrrr!

      • I put all family photos and the wedding album in a bin and store it in my garage. If my daughter ever wants to see them, she has the access.

        • when he moved out and into OW house I immediately removed all photographic evidence of his existence – with the help of my then 14 Year old daughter. We then replaced the frames with photos of only the two of us, pets, and made new photo of our new life. We repainted rooms the way we wanted, rearranged furniture etc and in the process collected everything that was his and put it in garbage bags. I told he he had until trash collection day to get it. He also didn’t want anything from the contents of the house – no furniture, nothing. He took his cloths, the photo album of himself from his childhood (sums up his NPD self) and that was about it. He had 1 photo of his child when she was an infant.

          Like many of you posted, he didn’t want any photos. I asked him if he wanted any family photos a few weeks after he left as I dumping his shit in the garbage bags. He said no (no surprise there) and I told him that was a good thing since I had burned all photos of him in my possession. He was really pissed (incredulously demanding “how could you do that!?”) and I admit I childishly enjoyed pissing him off. YES ASS WIPE, I HAVE MOVED ON AND EXPUNGED YOU. In reality I had boxed everything up in case my daughter wanted them in the future, and stuck them over my parents garage. If they get destroyed – it is a sign from God :). Otherwise , they are there for my daughter should she want them someday.

          On the day he walked out my daughter and I started a new photo album for that year, 2013, that didn’t include anything about his existence.

      • Give your daughter the chance to choose a few favourites that she can do what she likes with…put them up in her room, put them in an album. Give the rest to him or to the garbage disposal. My youngest daughter chose one of me and him before kids and one of her grandparents when they were quite young. But that’s all she wanted. I probably have some others still around, but out of sight out of mind. I gave him my favourite wedding photo in the envelope with our divorce papers. He probably used it for darts practise.

  • Oh CL, timely as always.

    I am struggling with this very issue at the moment.
    Back in April 5 months post d’day STBX was desperate to have his stuff but was being a bully in the process. He pretty much had all of his personal effects straight off the bat. So I put it to him he could make list of what he wanted from the house or fuck off ( yes a big part of my angry phase). He refused, felt his rights where being compromised by having to put something in writing. I just wanted a heads up on what would be gone once he was done. Basicly he wanted free access to the house for reasons unknown. But I was not having a bar of it and sick of being threatened by his arrogant entitled mannor and his shitty demands I went to one of his minders ( church elder) and stated, if STBX wanted to get his stuff he could arrange a time but the minder would need to come too.
    Now 14 months post d’day and his crap is still here, the date I proposed for collection was not good for him as he had a date. He then proposed two dates and when I asked if he had arranged for someone from eldership to come with him for accountability I received no response. Last week I received a text accusing me of not accepting one if his proposed dates, I was able to send him a sceen shot of my request for info re someone coming with him and reminded him it was he who did not confirm. (CRICKITS.}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    Found out today that he had no intention of having someone come with him, knowing I will not allow him to come alone making me out to be the one preventing him collecting his stuff.

    So freeking pissed off today and apparently I am voilent and aggressive.

    I have packed all his shit into boxes and made a fucking list of what is in each box. I have broken two photo frames with pics of us (out of frustration) then wrapped them and packed them. His fucking piano still takes up a huge space in our lounge room.

    I am such a CHUMP!!!!!!! friends who are much more passive than myself have suggested I donate it to charity, or out for council collection. One even advised if it was her she would have made a pile out of it and set it alite by now.

    So stuck. So pissed.

    • Thankful… Give him a date and let him know if it aint out by that date he can go down to the local thift store and reclaim his stuff. I have a scary man in my life too… And sometimes u just have to call there bluff. Law says a’ reasonable amount of time’ its past reasonable. Let him know what the going rates are for storage units and tell him … ‘ you have until this date to pick up your belongings … If you do not pick up your belongings they will be donated and you will be charged for storage.’ And do it.

      • Agree, give your ex a date by which it gets picked up with an elder in attendance or you trash/sell it. No negotiation, just this is it

      • The stuff is already packed up. If you have a back yard/porch, just put it outside and tell him they are exposed to rain/snow/etc. Let him be passive aggressive – it’ll be his loss. On the day my cheater moved out, he fell down a couple of steps and impaled his hand, so went to urgent care. I didn’t want his stuff/furniture sitting in my foyer for who knows how long so my chumpy self moved his stuff out to his new place. The week prior to moving out, he was in a passive-aggressive cheerful mood since it was all about punishing, but on the actual move-out day he was furious. I think he expected me to beg him to stay…it didn’t happen…instead, I made sure his stuff was out.

        • NML, I am getting the exact same thing. If he acts all passive, I might come to my senses and take him back and when I stand my ground and push forward he becomes this angry, nasty POS. Because he is not getting his desired outcome.
          At present I get two types of response
          1) snarky and bitchy.
          Or
          2) {{{{{CRICKITS }}}}}

          Someone pointed out to me today that I am now getting response no# 2 more often as there is very little in my communication with STBX that he can use to justify being an asshole in response.

    • I’ll take the piano, Thankful!! 🙂

      That’s what we should do; for everything they left behind that could be useful to someone else, start a CL swap list!! I’m sure some of the stuff could help new chumps get on their feet if they have to move out! Got a sofa that reminds you of cheater X? Give it to a new chump! Ha ha!

    • Thankful, my exH did that too. I had to take out s restraining order after the divorce because he was stalking me and coming to MY house (formerly OUR house but I got it in the divorce and refinanced to get his name off of it). He wanted to come pick up his stuff but had stipulations. He did not want me to be there because of the restraining order, and he did not want me having any “support persons” at the home. The restraining order specifically gave him permission to come into he garage ONE time to collect his things. I refused to leave my house and give him unfettered access to whatever he wanted. I stayed home, and my father came over while he retrieved his things. I had his crap sitting on my he driveway for him when he got there. He refused to take some of his things that weren’t in perfect condition (I did not damage anything). He treated me like my home was the city dump. Anything he didn’t want got left. And trust me, he left nothing of value that I could use.

    • The reason he wants unfettered access to the house is so he can clean it out, your stuff included. Don’t fall for this shit.
      Go hardball on him – he has until ‘x’ date to claim his stuff, and if he doesn’t show up, burn the lot.
      Him going on ‘dates’ is not an acceptable reason to not claim it. The only acceptable reason would be if he ended up in hospital or something. Fuck him.

    • Thankful, I gave my exH a time limit for him to pick up his stuff. They’d been sitting in the garage for months. I would remind him at least once a week…for 8 MONTHS!!! Ridiculous. Well, he never came to pick anything up so my daughters and I opened the garage door one beautiful Saturday morning and put everything out for sale. It was the most fun we had!!! We used this money to buy the Christmas gifts for the orphans in South Sudan that CL wrote about back in November. Then I donated the rest of the money to CL’s blog!

      Call his bluff and let him know you’re in control! You can do it!!!

    • You could do what a friend of actually mine did:
      Move all the STBX’s stuff into a storage unit. Pay for 1 month’s deposit. Inform the STBX of the address, tell him that you have paid for 30 days rent only, and – wait for it –
      tell him you left the unit unlocked!
      haha, that should get him moving fast enough 🙂

    • Yeah. Considering how much time some of our cheaters spent on Craigslist for other purposes, seems only fair we use the same venue to *our* benefit. Poetic justice?

  • I hired a truck and sent everything that I packed in boxes and garbage bags to his new apartment. I even put five boxes of files that he had stored outside and had gotten wet into garbage bags and sent them to him. They were all smelly! He is not one to go through anything and sort out shit so I bet he has just left them all wherever they were off loaded. Not my problem anymore. I also gave away some items to charity before sending the rest to him.

  • I kept the house we bought from her parents, so not only did I have her crap, but anything her parents left lying around.

    Anything useful went to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. The rest was handled by the rolloff dumpster I had dropped at the house for a week and picked up once I filled it to the top.

    Best $300 I spent.

  • One month removed from D-day, my daughters and I grabbed everything that we could think of at first glance (fishing rod, yearbooks, etc) and piled them into the back of a small pick up we owned, called him to come to the house, took the keys of the compact he’d been driving and gave him the truck and contents. He complained loudly that he had no place to put anything – I said that wasn’t our problem. He ended up dumping it all in the garage of his asshole best friend from high school.

    But that wasn’t all the “heirloom stuff” – his diplomas, his accolades as a musician in high school and college, letters from his first love, etc. There was the entire sparkly, spackly history of him in three big suitcases – and I took all of it and built a large funeral pyre to our 25 years and who he’d pretended to be and set it alight. It felt positively primal and magical and ancient….and it felt powerful.

    The pictures of his parents, his childhood, his extended family? I determined he had walked away from his family, he didn’t deserve a history either. So I packed them up and split them between my children and his older brother (who cut ties with him as well.) That seemed an elegant solution I could live with – they remain in “his” family – but not with him. So, since he chose to abandon his life and his family, I made sure he carried no false trappings of that with him. He is a man without a history, but with his whore.

    • ” I took all of it and built a large funeral pyre to our 25 years and who he’d pretended to be and set it alight.”
      -well said, Char. Beautifully done.

  • Left most of cheater ex’s crap when I moved out with my kids along with almost all the stuff his family gave me. A lot of it was cheap crap given to remind me that I was a second class citizen as far as they were concerned. When I moved back into my house after he quit claim deeded it over to me in an effort to make me lose it, most of what he left went to live elsewhere. I had taken most of the photos, left him a few, not that he had showed any interest in them.

    Fast forward a year and a half…..The day my eldest son came home from our churches’ youth convention, …..the day after I had to tell him on the phone that his younger brother had been murdered by his step-father, I picked him up at the airport. When we got home he turned to me….said I’m OK, Mom, and went into his room and shut the door. Suddenly there was a tremendous crash, and a smashing sound that continued for at least a half an hour. It was quiet for a few minutes, Then the door opened and he came out, looked me in the eye and announced….”I feel better.” I peeked in his room. The remains of the ratty old TV cheater ex had given him stood in ruins. There was smashed plastic and circuitry everywhere. He had taken a baseball bat to that TV and had pounded it down to a height of about 6 inches. That is when i knew he was going to weather this tragedy.

    The day of my youngest son’s funeral, after it was all over, My eldest son and I sat down with the photo album and collected every picture of cheater ex in there. Then we took all remaining photos that cheater ex was in and cut him out of every one. It made a tidy little pile out on the back walkway. I handed my son lighter fluid and a match and he fired that sucker up. Every time it went out we gave it another squirt of lighter fluid until and lit it again till there was nothing left but ashes. When they police released cheater ex’s house, (my son was the only heir), we went over and did the same thing to all of cheater ex’s clothes and a few selected items. It was very satisfiing, to say the least.

    Today there is nothing left in my life that cheater ex touched, and that is just fine with me. Like SharedMarriage says….no more bad Juju…..

    • There are no words, Tessie, either for what you and your son went through or how mighty the two of you are in surviving and thriving. Love and hugs.

    • Tessie, you are one MIGHTY woman, your sons were truly blessed. May your youngest rest in peace, and may your eldest share his one precious life with this world. Much Love, Drew

    • Tessie, I love that you gave your son the lighter fluid and match …. and I love that your son smashed that fucking TV to pieces without drama, before or after, with you. An unimaginable horror you both share, and in just a few words you eloquently express how strong, empathetic and unshakeable that bond between you is. I wish you both profound peace, love and happiness, as always x

    • Tessie,

      There are no words that will ever express how much I hurt for you and your son and how much I admire and stand in awe of you both. You are truly the mightiest of the mighty. So many HUGS to you and your son.

  • I let him pack his stuff up twice during fake reconciliation. At the point where I knew it was fake, I packed the rest in boxes and text him that they were on the front porch for him to pick up. I don’t want him inside the house roaming around and taking things that I need. I learned that lesson by leaving the garage door open for him to get a few things and found some of my stuff gone after he left. There’ll be another set of boxes for him to pick up in the spring when I clean out the rest of the garage.

    He had more crap here than he realized and my response was that it was his so he needed to take it. If he didn’t want it, he could ditch it or take it Goodwill but since it wasn’t mine, I can’t make that decision.

    As for the cards, letters, etc. there are very few of them but I still have them packed away. At some point I’ll probably ditch them. He wanted me to make copies of the photos for him, which I’m not going to do so I added it to our separation agreement. It states that he can take the photos, copy them at his expense and return them within 90 days. He picked them up in December so I should hopefully get them back in March.

  • Save it! Because you could always be Plan B if you pick me dance hard enough!

    This actually made me giggle. A year prior to d’day while having lunch with friends. They asked how STBX and I met and I kid you not he had the arrogance to state that I was in fact his plan ‘B’. First I had heard of it, but now I get it.

    Sorry no ‘C or D’ options here.

  • One thing I did do after his crap was out i had a healer come and bless my house. He smudged and anoited. I needed that ceremony to reclaim my space.

  • I hate the fact that we had only a few years before d’day outlayed a large sum in a new bedroom suite that I hate. But am now stuck with. He could take it with the rest if his crap but doubt he will.
    Gumtree anyone?

  • Shortly after we agreed to separate, STBX came with his parents and packed up his things from the house while I was at work. It was taken to the townhouse that I located for him since he was too wrapped up in OW to care about finding a decent place for his kids.

    He took a few odds and ends that I would have called mine, but whatever. Two years later still finding random stuff in the garage, mostly stuff I can trash.

    I gave some of the jewelry and clothes to daughter (Roman love knot earrings, don’t need those!), but some of the jewelry I still wear, ones without the love connotation. I gave out the photos albums to exH to make copies, and gave him all the pics of just him alone, and him and the kids. All the pics of the two of us I took out and put in a box. Good thing, too. After a bad summer with her father, daughter asked if the two of us had ever been happy and in love? Well, I thought so, and I gave her a bunch of photos that seem to demonstrate that. She needed that after he told her he was in love with AP #1 when I was pregnant with her.

    ExH wants to pretend the past never happened, but that is actually detrimental for the kids.
    I plan to spend more time the next few months looking through album with the kids.

    Finally, as for all the birthday cards, etc. I have them all in a box. Keeping them to show the kids in the future when they are 18 and we can have some frank talks about relatinonshios in general, and my/their father’s in particular.

    • zyx321, only a complete shithead would tell his daughter that!!! Coincidentally, my 27 year old son and his girlfriend are here visiting with me right now. His very sweet girlfriend wanted to see his baby pictures and so I pulled out an old album and it randomly opened to wedding day pix with my first H. My son doesn’t know that his dad was a cheater; he knows about my 2nd unmarried BF but I don’t know if I’ll ever tell him about his dad. We looked so young in the wedding photo, same age my son is now. Long ago and far away. it is truly hard but they need to know about their history… i’ll probably tell my kids about their dad someday but for now there’s no point, he’s been remarried about 10 yrs, moved out of state long time ago. They know he never helped raise them, just played with them when convenient.

  • Well……I divided and sorted and had to decide what had value, what was simply trash and what was worth a good laugh! No help for the moron in packing up our home of 23 years as our house was on the market. So I was in charge! Right up until the week before settlement! THEN HE WANTED TO KNOW WHERE HIS SHIT WAS!!!! Seriously!

    I had a garage sale and sold some of the good stuff. I did leave his collectibles for him. But the rest of the stuff was sold in the garage sale. Some stuff was tossed in the dumpster…..including my wedding dress! My daughters didn’t want it……full of bad luck I guess! I sectioned off the basement and left his collectibles, electronics and childhood momentos in boxes …….along with all of his PORN! Figured he might need that! One of my girlfriends came over to help me and she insisted on leaving our wedding announcement behind in one of his boxes as well!!! We had a great time!!!! I had saved all of the cards from our wedding…..they were tossed. Champagne flutes from our wedding day……..my friend and I smashed them on the basement floor. I saved my wedding album since there are photos of my now deceased grandparents. I am pretty sure my daughters would want that.

    The purging was difficult and emotional. The days following were simply a struggle to get out of bed. However, I looked at it as a rebirth for me. It was a like a colon cleanse!!!! I felt so light after that and ready to move on!!!!

    • Months had gone by after XH had moved in with OW and he was still wearing the wedding band. My 14 yo got pissed and demanded the wedding band from him and felt that he had no right to wear it. When I asked her why she wanted it she said she figured he was so cheap he might try to recycle it and give it to his whore. Since I had given it to him in love, she didn’t want the whore to have it and he didn’t deserve it.

  • We were renting so I found my own place and moved out. I gave written notice to my landlords 30 days prior and they were very understanding. All of the furniture we had was gifted from my family so he came home from work to an empty house and few bits of his crap.

    Even though I had given him fair warning that this day would come, he still had the audacity to act shocked. But I think the most painful part of his reaction to my leaving was, “How am I supposed to pay all these bills now?” As if all I ever was a room mate to him.

    So I told him, “Find another room mate.”

    He moved back in with his mother and his sister… the sister who had, only a month earlier, been kicked out by her husband for cheating on him.

  • Tania, not sure if you are calling me a loser or him…. clarification please. I will be happy to respond to both.

  • I found something of my XHs that was of great sentimental and monetary value a couple of years after.the divorce. Gave it to some mutual acquaintances to give to him. They told me.his response was to cry and say he never asked about them because he figured I threw them away
    . They were precious family heirlooms his mother had given to us, irreplaceable. Talk about someone not knowing you at ALL. Idiot.

  • I went OCD on the house. My STBXH said he only want his clothes, some tools out of the garage and his guns. My sister came over and we tore through the house collecting everything that was his (and on his list), made a nice pile in the garage and had it ready and waiting for him. I breathed a sigh of relief after that. It felt good to have his stuff out of the house. After he collected all that he asked for, I started cleaning out every nook and cranny of the house. My Dad and neighbor helped me get rid of the dang fire hazard in the garage that was his papers and clothes. Then I took to the attic….I took down all the baby stuff that would fit i my Mom’s car. She took some stuff to an abused women’s safe house. There’s still more to clean out.

    As for photos, photo albums, cards and notes, I have placed them in a place where I can’t see them. I’m not ready to deal with them because I don’t know what I want to do. The framed photos hanging all over the house have been taken down. I painted. That was my excuse. I will put them back up but that’s a fun project for me so I am taking my time. I had the thought of making a photo album for my son and maybe saving some of the cards for him to keep. He needs to know how a man CAN write his feelings…that his father seemed to have had strong feelings for me at one time. STBXH seems to have been one of those cheaters who cheated to exit. Too cowardly to tell me himself so he completely disrespected me.

    • I was left with a bunch of his stuff that he said he would shred. He didn’t. (Big surprise.) So I took it to the trash myself one load at a time.

      As for photos I too was with my ex over 20 years. I have kept them because they are part of my life too and I chose to believe that not all of it was a lie. I don’t look at them but I’ve kept them in a safe place. Also, my child might want them at some point and I’ll have them if that happens.

      As for the rest of his crap I am slowly getting rid of it. And it is so true CL what you wrote about cheaters wanting their sh*t back years later – mine just asked for some storage boxes. Seriously?

    • Tempest, I’m with you. I can’t trash photos and I did spend all that time with him (12 years) and I believed in what we had at the time. Looking at them isn’t fun for me, but it doesn’t make me sad because I believe what he has showed me about his true character. I think my son will want to have them later. My computer crashed along with my marriage so most photos are on a separate hard drive I can’t even access right now.

    • Some posts went missing, mine included. Had a weird issue with the server today. Jetpack (a plugin at WP) was sending comments to my staging area on the server and not the live site. Our chump IT superhero Brent fixed it and moved the staged comments over to the live site, but I think some went missing. Sorry. A glitch.

  • My cheater XW, who has been gone for 1.5 years, still has a closet full of crap in our bedroom and a basement fulls of crap in MY house, as she is a hoarder. So this spring some of my friends are going to hold a clean out the house party and move all of her stuff to the detached garage so that she and her live in AP can come and get it.

    • Perfect. My cheating ex is a psycho hoarder too. Took me almost a year to clean out the attic, basement and garage. Every week i filled my trash dumpster, over and over again.

      • Interesting – the whole hoarding thing. I know CL’s first H was a hoarder, my x had tendencies, and a guy I dated definitely was one. It is actually what tipped me off that he would not make a good partner for me.
        It’s like their mental illness spills out of them into their entire living space and creeps into every nook and cranny.
        My short term BF started bringing stuff and hoarding at my house!!!

        No more. Not that a sterile living space is a prerequisite for dating me, but I feel that if your living space is a disorganized disaster – there is a good chance the rest if your life is in a similar state.

        I was the one to move out. I have a lovely century 3 story town house at the river. I took my things and left all of nic-nacs behind. All this space. It’s peace of mind 🙂

        • Just another take on the hoarding, though–50% of hoarders are depressed, and I personally think it also stems from insecure attachment in childhood (e.g., neglected children, including feral children, often obsessively hoard cups of water, small objects, etc.). But those problems that accompany hoarding can turn into either disordered wingnuts (as so many people’s cheaters are), OR the opposite.

          My mother was one of the kindest and most sane people to walk the face of the earth, and was married to my father, who was a flaming (and often mean) narcissist & a porn-addicted cheater. She collected craft-related items and books that she would have needed to live to 172 before she could use/read them all. I sobbed when I cleaned out her house after she died, because that attachment to things was a stand-in for the attachment and warmth and nurturing she did not have in her 44-year marriage. Even though she was a pillar of strength for me and my 5 siblings during our dysfunctional childhood (because of my father), inside the poor woman must have been suffering immensely. Cue 3+ years ago, when I started to show similar tendencies as I headed into a 3.5 year depression from living with my own narcissist. Once I kicked him out & took steps to divorce him, I am now clearing out the house and no longer feel the “need” for things.

          It’s like children who are abused–some of them go on to abuse their own children (around 25%), and some go on to be highly empathetic & advocates for others who are suffering (about the same percent). Similar FOO issues can turn someone into a narcissistic, non-empathetic cheater, OR an empathetic chump. I suspect Self-awareness early on probably tips people to one camp or the other. Lack of self awareness –>narc/cheater; self-awareness that allows one to cultivate empathy–> chump, or healthy person.

          Now, back to cleaning….

  • OMG CL you are so right. I cannot believe all the stuff my X left behind. He’s been gone over a year and I still have at least a small roll-of dumpster load, easy. I don’t know where to start. Notably: I was surprised to see some of the stuff he left behind. Like, pictures of him and his kids from his first marriage. After they grew up and left our home, he *rarely* kept in contact with them …until I excused him from the marriage. Then all of a sudden they became important.

    Then? There’s a lot of stuff from his business, which, I can’t lift. He knew that.

    BTW he had an EA 10 years ago. He claims he never physically cheated – but looking back, I now have to wonder. He seemed awfully excited to go on those last minute business trips to NC, and like magic, I could all of a sudden do *nothing* right. And I do mean nothing.

    • Onthehill– I have really bad back issues (only made way worse by the whose business of making my ex, EX. Moving, packing all that.) So when I got into my own space, I was really having a hard time nesting, not being able to move stuff–or some days, even myself.

      I discovered a service that runs in some cities in the US called Task Rabbit. I don’t know where you live, but taskRabbit is an online bidding service for small chores like packing up boxes, moving heavy stuff, dog walking, even house cleaning. People bid on the job you list, and you can look at their profiles and so on, and chose someone to help you. For me with the crappy back, and the friends who fled like rats off a ship, it’s been a lifesaver the few times I’ve used it.

  • For the stuff I found immediately after the divorce, I piled it up in the garage and would let the kids know that those piles were for his father as I was not home when he picked up the oldest after school and youngest was still in after school care.
    For me, it was a courtesy thing. Regardless of what an douchebag he is, that is not my character. Plus, I am trying to be a good leader to my boys and actions speak louder than words. Some of the items xh’s mother made and I could not just throw them away – let him have it. XMIL even when so far as to make me a reconciliation quilt and titled it “fractured” – no I am not kidding. So let that fucker have all that. It’s on him!!!
    So even though his character sucks, it is just another way to show my kids by example how people should be and return things that don’t belong. But that is just me.
    Now, for the stuff that I have found since…..Sell, sell, sell. He hasn’t asked for any of his belongs and I don’t want them. If I can sell some of his leftover shit and it pays for a nice afternoon with the kids, good.

  • My ex graduated from a prestigious school and to commemorate his BA, which was earned with a lot BS, mummy and daddy framed it in this giant-ass frame. He kept it hanging in my home office while my diplomas collected dust on a shelf. When he left, I promptly removed it and placed it in his office. But then every time I walked by it, I wanted to kick it.

    So I hauled it into the attic. Along with the rest of his shit. All of it. I took back all of the spacious closets, the wardrobe, and the drawers. The boxes were heavy, but somehow, that didn’t matter as I climbed the ladder. Hell hath no fury.

    I also really loved our wedding canvas. I looked great. But I couldn’t stand his mug. So I pinned one of my favorite glam rockers over his face.

  • Donated or took to dump. my cheater passed away so he won’t ask for anything back. Still have cards and pics but hidden away for now. Will toss when I retire and have more time.

  • I had a massive garage/yard sale. Let’s just say many people got bargains that day. All of the crap from his many, many hobbies that he left behind after 27 years of marriage to be with his final affair partner were sold at bargain prices! I made $900 and gave what didn’t sell to charity. It was a win/win.

  • I took her favorite sit around and do nothing decorative statuette to my company’s white elephant gift exchange. In the spring i took a lamp she left but later wanted and did my best hank aaron imitation. Shards of ceramic were all over my backyard but man was it worth it

  • Great comment about them expecting us to be the curator for their museum of bad ideas and actions

    Mine refused to change his address on his drivers license and auto registration. Ever. I tried everything even reporting ins fraud to the dept of insurance

    For the past 3 years NC The DMV mailed 100’s of parking violations to my mailing address that obviously became bigger tickets because the color changed to pink

    I’d put a line through his name at my address and write ‘not at this address – return to sender ‘. I should have written deceased

    Jan 6 this year I call from him went right to voice mail bc he’s blocked. He had that shitty, clipped, demeaning tone that he always

    every word he said to me had the ring of contempt and blameshifting unless he needed something

    The message: ” Did you happen to get some mail at your house from the DMV that was addressed to me? Parking tickets from the last two years? Because today MY VAN GOT TOWED bc of Parking tickets I never knew I had. BS.

    Bc YOUR address is on my drivers license and registration (sidebar :where I haven’t lived in several years). They said they sent at least three notices for each ticket.

    I thought, yep I know they did you entitled ass bc I put each on back in the mail bc throwing them in the trash is illegal

    He continues screaming in the voicemail. “. Well now it’s $1000 for tickets and $300 for the impound. and I’m going to lose my van AND ITS ALL YOU FAULT bc you couldn’t have the common courtesy to let me know I had mail there.

    Well THANKS ALOT. I’m sure you would never not tell me I received mail!!!’ This is just the kind of thing you’d do ””. CLICK

    So let’s recap. 1). When I get a ticket its always on my windshield but his isn’t. 2). he has the wrong address on his license and registration for years. bc he’s a deadbeat and wants to torture me – 3). And it’s all my fault bc he’s special and doesn’t need to pay tickets or have a valid registration for years. 4). this is All my responsibility to contact him bc he might be damaged in some way due to his own lying Cheating BS

    Ps – yes he did pay $1500 to get out a $200 pos van.

    I can’t wait til the karma bus of IRS communications and tax liens catches up w him.

    Moron.

  • This is actually my favorite part of my Chump story. Jackass was supposed to move into my new (to me) home but claimed he needed to spend a few months fixing his parents’ former home to sell. So he moved most of his furniture into my house, along with his weights and other stuff but his clothes, tools and his old bed to his parents’ former home. When I found out about MOW, I decided to move as much as I could into a storage locker. I got the cheapest possible locker and moved all of that stuff in the middle of last year’s polar vortex. I didn’t ask for any help because all of my friends were “send it all to Goodwill.” I didn’t want to do that; I had agreed to store the stuff and didn’t want to get into a “revenge dance” with him. It was so physically hard, so emotionally hard, not even a month after DDay. And it was cold and icy. But it was part of making the house solely my own. There were only a few big furniture items left I couldn’t move up the stairs alone, and later I found his weight bar and weights in the garage. I send him a letter, along with the storage contract and the code for the locker, told him he had 60 days to clean out the locker. If he didn’t, I would take the stuff to Goodwill. I asked him to return the expensive lock to me so I would know the locker was empty and to make arrangements for picking up the couch, etc., after the snow was gone.

    In the end, I had to go back to the storage facility, where I found he had cleaned the locker out but left 2 wire baskets from IKEA. No idea why. Clearly he had not returned the lock. And I got back–on Valentine’s Day–a vicious FB message saying he would “send someone with a truck, probably in April” to get the rest of his stuff. I had visions of MOW’s sons pulling up in a truck to go through my basement…

    No one will be surprised that he never did anything of the sort. My best friend helped me put the weight bar and a few small odds and end on his porch. When he decided to spend a few months as his parents’ house, he had been concerned that his brother would buy it for a low ball price and flip it, cheating the parents. Lo and behold, he bought it for a lowball price to live in it. Nice. The couch and a recliner he liked but never used are still in the basement. I liked that stuff (and the cats love the couch) so I’m keeping it when I get around to re-doing my basement office. And like TheClip, I did a house blessing at the winter solstice, but did it myself. I renewed it again this year and actually walked the boundary of the property to bless the whole thing.

    • It’s unbelievable, that after all the abuse, they would leave you guys to physically pack up, move and/or dispose of their stuff? And of course, nobody is helping you, because MOVING STUFF IS SUCH A DRAG!

      Disgusting…..just disgusting!!!! There just isn’t a low they won’t stoop to!

      • Einstein – that’s funny and very true. Moving shit is a big ‘drag’. I also did this with a bad back and broken arm and he left behind everything – claims he doesn’t want any of it. He worked from home and I got all those YEARS of boxes of business junk shredded. It’s amazing how much they leave behind for the X spouse at home. Right now – I don’t want one thing from my house. Bad juju – as CN says. And, I am giving it all away. Except, the piano he played. 1928 Steinway. I never want to hear the music from it again and don’t care what happens to it. bleh. This has been a refreshing topic tonight!

  • Easy. Told him to get his shit by such and such a date or it went into the trash. He ‘forgot’ loads of stuff, so when we sold the house I left a small pile of crap by the door for him and that was it. The rest went into the bin. Then the stuff we ‘shared’ – much of that went in to the bin as well.

  • I packed up a bunch of things and delivered it in 3 garbage bags to his place….on Christmas Day, no less. Merry Christmas!

    Some things I still have in the garage, packed up in garbage bags. Every once in awhile I get the urge to get rid of the stuff as I get rid of the trash each week. I figure, if he hasn’t seen it in 3 years, he doesn’t want it and how does he know he left it there?

    The house itself, I made mine..I even packed up every cup, utensil …anything possibly belonging to him. Our divorce should be final soon. If he doesn’t collect the remainder of things, it,s definitely going to the dump!

  • The practical side of me……got the “family valuables” (if grandfathers watch, belt buckle and some old coins count as valuables) and stored them in son-in-laws safe, EX never asked about them…..,……

    “good wine” , I took to son & daughters as well as started drinking some of it. When he asked for some of it, I asked him to make a list of what he wanted….he never did, so I am drinking it and sharing it with people who matter.

    I “lost” some things that I thought he might want….but again, when he would ask about something, I would just ask what he wanted. He would never say. I am sure his plan was for me to have to “pay” him in the settlement. But my lawyer just said, “if you don’t want it, she doesn’t have to pay for it. If you want it, give her a list and come git it” ….never came!!!!

    Most clothes went into a big garbage bag that he took shortly after he left……some really cool Tommy Bahama shirts I gave to my brother though….wish I would have kept the Giants World Series one…stupid me!!!!!

    At the very beginning I did give him an ipod ( to use at his pool. I was still hopping to the Pick-me Dance and felt sorry for him…..I wish I still had that ipod now!!!!

    But in all seriousness, when I look at his “stuff” it is either crap,or useful household tools, that I use more than he did. His yearbook, school sweater, garbage can, …..lots went to charity. But….there are some things, just a few that I am holding onto and will do that bonfire thing!!!!

    I have “evidence” of his infidelity with others than the woman he is with now….I am considering sending that tho HER!!!!! As well as the book “Runaway Husband”!!!!!!!

  • My ExH took almost nothing when I kicked him out. He did this on purpose so he would have an excuse to keep returning to the house to get things (conveniently when I wasn’t home so he could snoop). His name was still on the house so I he could legally keep returning. This sucked big time. He is a firefighter and fancies himself to be quite a catch (and better than everyone else). He regularly made fun if people who had nothing. I am a social worker so I meet people on a regular basis that have nothing. He makes 3 times rhat I make in salary. He purchased an entire new wardrobe when we split (under armour hats, socks and underwear; Nike shoes; polo shirts and jeans,etc). He became quite the fashion icon. After the divorce was final, he still never asked for his clothes. I waited a year and then donated his old clothes (including his old firefighter shirts that he thought made him so special) to the local homeless shelter in our small town. Now he can drive around and see the very people he makes fun of wearing his special shirts.

  • My ex was a pack rat. I kicked him out when he didn’t want to be married anymore, but didn’t really destroy any of his stuff. Well, just one thing. A dumb mechanical Mr and Mrs Santa decoration his lame aunt gave us – I spit chocolate in Santa’s beard and then beat him with a hammer.

    The rest of his stuff I had started to box until I found out about OW. After that, other crap went into a pile in the filthy garage he never cleaned. He and OW like playing court games with restraining orders, so I moved out to a friends guest house where I live in for free, on private property behind a mansion with gates and CCTV. Our house was for sale and was being shown by me in pristine condition until I moved out. All of his furniture from the settlement agreement was left behind (a kitchen table with chairs, 1 guest bed, and some end tables along with his recliner. The house didn’t show so well after that and he started to refuse to pay for the household upkeep. Through my attorney, we forced him to drop the price of the house drastically and it sold. Don’t worry about me, I didn’t shoot myself in the foot, I live for free in a beautiful home – and am stock piling cash. Ex has a shmoopie to pay for and I know she’s bleeding him dry.

  • I got on a plane and flew 2,500 miles away. I left it all for him. My wedding dress, our wedding photos, his love letters to me, and albums of us MINUS every picture of our daughters.

  • Thank you for this topic as I’m really in the thick of it right now on the NC cliff. My STBX checks his status by the presence of the stuff – he’s that shallow and can’t imagine otherwise. They put such stock in crap – after annihilating me, he’d bring a hallmark tricket and seriously believed that would replace honesty, empathy, just basic respect. He gauges our current status by emoticons or small vs large case xo. If I replied with multiple xxxoo that’d mean he’s all good in this corner. Luckily I found CL and CN and see his games now – I also finally have a team around me and am heading out to buy huge garbage bags today – thank you all for sharing- it is crucial to someone in my position. I couldn’t be more grateful for your time and energy.

    • Oh, Faith!! Mine asked why I didn’t just demand a big diamond ring after I found out about his affair! Sure, ‘cuz that replaces integrity. What am I, a Housewife of New Jersey?

      • Unbelievable, Tempest. What would we offer them if we fucked around? A sports car?

        Damn. I intensely dislike it when women accept these gratuitous bullshit baubles in exchange for infidelities.

        • Funny that you say that…. Cause guess what Idiot bought me soon after he started screwing around …. A car!! I knew right away! I told my girl friend ‘ guess what I got today? A car! ‘ she replied’ OMG he is screwing around’ and I said ‘ yup’
          Of course my child confirmed this by letting me know about Daddy’ s new friend that they kept bumping into. He took our kid on dates. Piece of work.

          • Hind sight is 20/20
            Bullshit remorse gifts.

            5 x one carrot diamonds in box.

            One ski trip without him and the kids but with other church members. ( he did not even try to cover his anger over my hating the entire week)

            Diamond earrings and matching ring

            9 piece outdoor setting.

            2 consecutive birthday parties on non event birthdays.

            I would of settled if he had just been able to obtain for himself some humanity.

          • A car. Wow–one wonders whether these gifts are due to a glimmer of remorse or just payoffs to keep up their lovely homelife so that they have a base for their extracurriculars.

            • I have no doubt that the car was the equivalent of your ‘ diamond ring’
              His friend screwed around on his wife… And she was bestowed with a new vehicle… And to Idiot that seemed to be fair…. His friends answer to the infedelity…. a new car. Even Steven right? For me it was a dead give away…. The pay off. I mean how could he be the bad guy right? Look I got you a new car. Do recall hearing ‘ cant you be happy? I got you a new car’
              Wait , let me turn on the part of my brain that cares…. Mother fucker.

      • Mine didn’t offer me a ring after D-Day #1. Instead, he wanted me to give him my wedding ring. More than once while we were married, he threw his wedding ring at me and demanded that I sign over assets while describing to me how I was inferior to his mistress, past sub-standard partners, etc. (Guess he had missed nap time–somewhere outside our home.) And he, not I, was the one who cheated, filed for divorce, and complained about his spouse harassing HIM. Cheater logic.

        • OMG Rockstar, I think we were married to the same man! Eerie similarities!! Was his name Stephen E. Also???? My exH threw his ring at me multiple times and demanded mine back. But after I filed, he changed channels and offered to buy me a new, BIGGER ring and a brand new SUV. He sent me a dozen roses twice a week for at least two months. My house looked like a flower shop. I began giving the roses to my male coworkers to take home to their wife. I figured someone’s marriage should be reaping the benefits!! I often wondered what the floral shop employees thought of him. Ha!

      • I used the cheap bags and stuffed them really full because my ex was picking up his stuff himself. I was kinda hoping they would bust open as he was moving…

  • Just had (unavoidable) email contact with XH. his blame shifting was rampant. i am honest-to-goodness Meh about it today. yay me! thank you Chump Nation.

    Per today’s topic – when i had to go through 26 years of couple & family photos — which i value for similar reasons stated so well in Tempest’s post today, i did not wear my glasses. this made the pictures fuzzy, which made it easier to sort. simple but effective.

    • Chumpette–I love the no-glasses fuzzy-pictures idea!!

      I just had unavoidable contact with STBX over settlement, but unlike you I am punch-him-in-the-gut angry. I feel like telling him, “thanks for confirming that the divorce is a good idea.”

      • i call it my “fuzzy logic” strategy. very appropriate, don’t you think?!

        as you well know, anger is an inner tiger/protector. you will no doubt find a way to use it to get from where you are to where you want to be 🙂

        my Meh milestone today was almost exactly your words: for the first time, i wrote back in my email reply that i completely agreed our marriage could not work. no explanations given – or needed…

        heh heh

  • My cheater filled our house with all sorts of purchased and found crap over the 18 years we lived in it. We never parked in the garage and the basement slowly filled up with stuff – none of it was ever used for anything. In the later years the living spaces started growing piles of stuff, too. Any complaint from me was met with huge resistance and anger. So after D-day when I was getting ready to file for divorce, I felt really conflicted about the house. On the one hand, it was a great house with great potential and located in a good area. On the other hand, it was FULL of his crap. And now it was full of bad energy and painful memories of what happened to our marriage. I knew that he would never move his stuff out if I wanted to keep the house so I decided to leave. BEST decision ever! (I will say that it was extremely painful to actually go – I felt homesick for a few weeks and I missed my kitchen really badly). I got a storage unit and over the course of a few months I went through each room and picked out my things. It was awesome. I didn’t have to deal with the rest, and I didn’t have to clean! Now I’m divorced and moved in to a cute new house that I love! Now the meh is starting to set in!

  • I moved out and bought my own house, go me! I was so lucky and didn’t have to move his crap. I did take my wedding dress and donated it to a seamstress friend who quickly cut it all up! I also found some Christmas ornaments this year that were his and I just threw them away without a care in the world.

  • Much of the ex’s left-behind stuff I put in boxes and left in the garage for him (a true hoarder) to pick up or gave to his friend to give to him but much more of the stuff I tried to sell at a garage sale with not much luck–who’d want his crappy stuff? So I had the local Goodwill haul it off knowing he still went there every Tuesday when they would put out all the new stuff. Yep….according to his secretary, he came back that Tuesday red-faced and pissed about having to buy all his stuff back from Goodwill and throwing a tantrum saying I hadn’t allowed him to get his stuff out of the house…..such a lie. We walked room by room together as he pointed out and took what he wanted and not once did I tell him he couldn’t take it. I guess he thought it would all be there for whenever he decided he wanted it. He moved in with his skank who didn’t want any of it in her house so I guess he considered my place his personal storage unit. Not happening….

    • I’m laughing out loud about this:
      “So I had the local Goodwill haul it off knowing he still went there every Tuesday when they would put out all the new stuff. Yep….according to his secretary, he came back that Tuesday red-faced and pissed about having to buy all his stuff back from Goodwill and throwing a tantrum saying I hadn’t allowed him to get his stuff out of the house…..such a lie.”

  • Since I was the one who moved out of the marital home, I didn’t have to deal with his stuff. I told him what I was going to take, he agreed. As for the things I DID dispose of:
    I sold my wedding ring to one of those cash-for-gold places
    All cards and notes — this was a huge stack — went into the dumpster
    Jewelry box — I had a jewelry box he gave me for Christmas our first year together. Of course, I have dozens of things he gave me over the years, but I’m unfazed by most of them. Somehow, though, the jewelry box bothered me. So I left it near my apartment complex dumpsters — it’s where people leave stuff they no longer want that is still in good condition. It was gone in an hour. I bought my self a new jewelry box.
    Photographs — he separated our photos before I moved out. I didn’t look through the box for a couple years, but when I did, I found too many pictures of him. I threw out all photos of just him, most of the photos of the two of us, and lots of the family pictures. I sometimes wonder about the pictures he kept — I posted awhile ago about how he sent an embarrassing picture of the two of us to Ellen Degeneres’s Instagram site, where more than 85,000 people viewed and made fun of it.

    I’m so glad that unlike many of you, I did not have to deal with his belongings, or have him asking me to send him stuff. I sometimes think about all the things I left behind when I moved out — I had a lot of wonderful collections that I left behind. All were sold when the house foreclosed, along with almost everything else he owned.

    He’s homeless now, but I’m still in my apartment that is filled with furniture that once was in the old house. Life is funny that way.

  • ExH left after over 10 years with about a suitcase worth of clothes and all but one ring of his tacky gold jewelry. Left plenty of sentimental stuff, and to my knowlege, did not take a single picture of our two children. Asked him twice over the phone to come get his crap, and he didn’t, so my nephews got gobs of his expensive Adidas stuff, with the caveat that they never wear it in my presence. They also got his collection of expensive whore-bait cologne (no doubt gifted by the other women) that made me sneeze. I sold the gold ring to buy tires for my car, and did have some things left over for back yard fire-pit fuel and a decent donation to our local homeless shelter. I did save a few things for the kids, but they’ve been in a box now for years, and neither one even speaks of him, so next time I deep clean closets, that will be dumpster bound as well. Wall pictures with his leering face were replaced with new family photos almost immediately. New family, new pictures.

  • I moved. Bully that he is wouldn’t let me take my inherited antiques and it was too close to d day for me to be strong. So still waiting for the divorce to be final. At least I don’t have to move his crap again. However, I did break and smash a few things. And I do have a spot of stuff to put on the burn pile this spring when I clean up the yard.

    • Leia–do NOT tolerate that; anything inherited is YOURS and is not community property. Make sure that gets into settlement

    • Leia — those things are yours. If you want them, talk to your lawyer and fight for them. Don’t let him bully you. I also realize that sometimes some money is too expensive (are the antiques worth the legal bills?) but IMO this should be a relatively simple thing because they were inherited or were pre-marital assets. Talk to your lawyer!

      • I have talked to my lawyer, and have asked for all the property back. The court proceedings are taking much longer than I expected. We’re coming up on a year since the original filing. I thought it would be done by now, but I guess not. Not sure when things are going to be final, but I can hear the karma bus engine starting!

  • My cheater was sponging off me anyway, so trashing his stuff was basically about getting rid of everything I’d given him. I have recounted this on here before, but I took great pleasure of stuffing the tackiest of his possessions into black garbage bags and having them delivered to his office’s reception desk. Then I took the nice stuff and gave it to a charity who sent it all to African orphans. Then I went online and erased his various sites, including all the photos he had posted, his chatroom histories, his dating sites…well actually I just changed his gender preference on those…and then when he came round with the cops wanting the “rest” of his stuff, I let them go through the house and find nada. The cops just rolled their eyes. He sent me an email telling me how mean I was. I didnt answer because, well, I totally agreed with his sentiments.

    This was a guy who cheated for a year, brought the OW to sleep in my bed when I was away on biz, and let her help herself to my clothes and food and god knows what else. I love it when he appears in facebook posts wearing the same shirt he left my house wearing, even now 3 years later.

    • Marci: Am I remembering correctly that you are also the person who put up fake adult accounts as an 18-25 year old and lured your husband to “chat” with you?

      Your paybacks are wonderfully creative!!

      • Tempest
        I may be a little twisted, but some of the stuff I did at the time was not something I’d recommend … It is much healthier to move on. I must admit that sometimes when I think back on the laughs I had from my detective work, I realise it taught me a lot about human nature. Did it leave me cycnical…yes in the shorter term, but in the full ess of time it’s just left me more pragmatic and realistic. I can still be kind and loving with decent men.

      • Tempest,

        If it wasn’t Marci, it was me. I had been thinking I needed to update CN on the situation I created for my dearly beloved Date Site Addict. Long story short, he spent Christmas Day driving 450 miles and getting a cheap hotel room to meet his online hottie. Once ‘she’ was sure he was checked in, she called and told him she wanted to play a game, and he should check his email. What he found was an email telling him how deluded and disgusting old men over 50 are when they lust after young girls. The letter was brutal, and after 25 years of his shit, ‘she’ knew all the buttons to push. His following texts to her were priceless!

        She also told him she was going to send copies of their sexting and his ‘special’ videos he had sent to her to his very Christian boss. ‘She’ won’t do that – because if he gets fired he might try to move back across the country – but this has put him in a state of constant worry. Every time his boss leaves him a message to report to the main office, he starts sweating bullets. He has confided in me that he ‘just doesn’t feel secure in his job’ – but he just hasn’t told me why he feels that way!

        Is that twisted? Yep. But just once, I manipulated that fucker with lies and deceit and the lure of his wildest dreams, much like he did to me for many years. He’s still sweating. I still trust that he sucks.

        • WiserToday–I have been meaning to go back to your old posts on the forum for a much-needed laugh; I enjoyed hearing about your transformation into an on-line 21-year old bimbo.

          And do tell–did your X beg the hottie not to tell anyone? curse at her? refuse to believe he had been tricked? I wonder if he has curtailed his adult site activity since then.

          • Tempest – think for a minute about how they act, and you will know the answer. His first response was ‘Thanks for the life lesson.’ But that was just too sensible, I guess. He then became incensed that ‘she’ had dared to lie to him and string him along – God forbid someone else use his own tactics against him. He then doubled down on his lies (even though ‘she’ included internet links that proved he was lying about some things), and claimed entrapment about the special videos he sent to her! Everything was her fault and she was evil and he was not going to have anything more to do with her – like that was a choice being offered.

            His first response made me feel kind of bad, but I knew if I waited long enough, he would react in typical sparkly turd fashion. As for his continued use of ‘dating’ sites, there’s been no let up. Honestly, if he had been half as creative in bed as he is when thinking up new screen names, I would probably still be sucking down those shit sandwiches.

            I am not at Meh yet, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Once we can see them in all their ludicrous glory, forgive ourselves for being played, and allow distance to show us how much better life is without them, the rest of it is just a matter of time.

  • OWhore #1 had given both of us lots of stuff – I had thought of her as a good friend for over 10 years – 9 of which she had been spreading her legs for not only darling hubby, but for over 10 other men in our Association (and had attempted to seduce some of the women too).

    After Dday #1, I took all of the many letters she wrote me, and a couple books she had given me, and some she had given darling hubby, and burned them in the barbecue grill. I took everything else she had given either of us, damaged it beyond use, put it in a plastic-lined box, poured on the ashes, pissed on it, sealed it up and mailed it to her.

    Yeah, fucking crazy, but GOOOD crazy.

  • Maybe it’s a sign of changing values because of aging, or maybe it’s because we had children together, but my whole attitude toward “things” has been changing since I accepted the fact that I was going to end a 20 year marriage.

    I grew up the child of two depression babies, and every item in our home was to be cared for and expected to last. My parents had almost nothing when they married, were fairly used to it because they had very little when they were growing up. I believe it is because of this that I had the attitude I did about possessions when I married and started life with a man who had even fewer possessions than I did. Over the course of 20 years and two kids, we acquired many things, and we shared many memories, some good, some bad. Some of the memories did become tainted, but not all of them. I wouldn’t trade those two kids for anything, although there have been days when I would have liked to send them away for awhile!!! So when I realized he was incapable of changing, or living up to the promises he had made to me, and I was incapable of spackling anymore and was going to be forever unsuccessful in my quest to “fix” him, I realized that all of our possessions would have to be divided.

    I tried to be fair about the division, not for him, but for my own moral feeling of fairness. No matter what, I was never going to please him, but I wanted to be pleased with the way I behaved. So I tried to pull out anything neither of us needed, things our boys would not need when they left the home for college, and get rid of those things before he even knew I was sorting. He didn’t object to any of that — thought I was just cleaning house, I suppose. Then I found a place that I was going to move into — and I figured out what the kids and I would need there. When moving day came, I had everything I wanted ready to go. He was out of town, and when he came back he found a much emptier house, but it had everything in it he needed to live his own life, and things he would need when he had time to spend with the kids. We had already agreed on the divorce — he just didn’t know I was going to move when I did. He objected to that, and I told him I was not going to fight with him about everything before it went on the truck. That would have been exhausting. I told him if he discovered he was missing something he really wanted and could not live without, we would discuss that thing. He really couldn’t come up with a single thing he objected to. I actually knew him and his needs better than he knew himself. He could NEVER have done that for me. He would never have left me a clean and orderly house — it would have been a train wreck if done any other way. The house was going to be sold — but he had a place to live until that happened, and my kids could “go home with Daddy” and feel familiar. It was a tough time, but no divorce is fun and divorce with children is always difficult.

    Over the years, I have gotten rid of most of the material things I had acquired with him by replacing them, or sending them off to college with my kids, I am now down to just what I need and some boxes of old memories I intend to sort thru when I retire. Most of those memories will go to the children — some may be shredded. But the decision is not filled with anger or any sense of revenge, and I think that is important for my own well being. I did not get the life I wanted, or expected, and I was chumpy — for sure. But I figured out who I was and how I wanted to live. I have to say I became a better person because I survived an experience I never wanted. I became stronger, and more independent, less of a chump. With every material thing I have lost, I have found something spiritual to replace it, and I am no longer burdened with the care and maintenance of so many material things. It is very liberating.

    Maybe I chumped myself? I don’t know the answer to that, and I cannot say the way I did things would work for everyone or even anyone else. It was the only way I could figure out how to keep a peaceful low contact method of sharing my children with their father, and not wasting any more of my time fighting over things. My children will love their father because he is their father — they are not delusional about his personality or the things he is capable of. They don’t always like him. They don’t always like ME!!! But they know they are loved, and they have seen how to take survival action under extreme duress. I hope they have learned skills by observing all this that they will never have to use.

    Maybe I am still a chump???

    • Portia, you’re not a chump. You’re wise and mighty. You made the right decisions in order to keep your sanity. You’re way nicer than I could ever hope to be.

    • No Portia, you are not still a chump. I think what you did was for yourself, maybe the first time wholly for yourself in a long time. If being fair and practical is chumpy, then I’ll always be one myself.

    • You’re mighty. I think it’s very liberating to get rid of things. (Oh heck, and acquire new things later…) After my first divorce, I got rid of two-thirds of all my possessions. Just auctioned off most of a household. Bought a Mac with it and a scanner and some software. It’s the same Mac I do my cartoons on today (meaning it’s over a decade old!) So, pretty good trade I think. 🙂

    • Hi Portia, I think I am a bit like you. Fairness has always been important to me. I am at the stage where I am not angry any more (I haven’t seen my STBXs face for more than two years) and last week I finally got a storage unit and placed all his stuff in there – boxes of clothes, books, golf trophies etc. I will just add to it as I go. He lives overseas so I can’t drop it off. He is paying for the storage anyway, so I guess one of these days he will pay for it to be shipped to him.

    • Portia,
      Everyone has there own level,of crazy… and ‘ fairness’ i think you did what felt right to you and what you could live with. Thats ownership and knowing thy self….. Not chumpiness. While ‘ revenge ‘ may feel good at the time… In the end its just another game of one -up. My ex is huge on one -up. Me not so much…. But it doesn’t mean I didnt do what I needed to do to get out. It was all above board and I may him aware of my intentions every step of the way. Thats fairness.
      I applaud your strength. At the end of it all I hope I can look back and say I live authentically and with integrity. Thats the message i want my child to get from all this. That no matter who you have in your life albeit a partner , spouse , girl/boy friend , your parent.. You deserve someone who values you. That you have worth and you never have to give that up for love. Any kind of love. Never tolerate someone in your life who disregards your worth.

    • Portia, you can put it this way: I don’t believe in vigilantism and I’m not giving up my principles for that prick.

      You were true to your values and that’s not chumpy at all.

  • Since I’m the one that moved out I just left whatever was too painful to look at. Like the antique tables he gave me when I was going through cancer treatments. I took the family photo albums but have them shoved away in drawers and closets. Those were so sentimental to me, but I’d not been able to look at them either. I’ve got love letters from our high school days, and a few cards stuffed here and there, but I don’t look at them. I guess my preferred method of dealing with it is avoidance. I hate that the meaning of memories has changed. I hate that the family mementos of 36 years together are too painful to look at. I don’t know what to do with my wedding dress. It’s up in a closet and it’s a pain in the ass to find a place to store it. No one will want to wear it, but I can’t bear to give it to Goodwill. Maybe some day a granddaughter might like to play dress up in it. Still got the jewelry he gave me hidden away too. Maybe some day I’ll want to do something with it, I don’t know.

    • I have my wedding dress in a closet too. Not sure what to do with it. I guess I will one day get rid of it because I don’t have any kids.

    • Check out an organization called Brides Against Breast Cancer – they provide a great (and tax deductible) way to put old gowns back in to the stream.

  • OWhore had given me (and him and us) lots of stuff. [I had thought of her as a good friend for over 10 years, during 9 of which her cunt was getting regular visits not just from darling hubby but from at least 10 other members of an organization we were members of – and she had tried to seduce some of the women as well].

    After DDay I took all of the letters she had sent me, along with a few books she had given me, and all the letters and books she had given darling hubby and burned them in the barbecue grill. I then took every other item from her, damaged it beyond repair, put it in a plastic-lined box, dumped the ashes on it, pissed on it and mailed it to her.

    Yeah. Kind of cray. But GOOOD crazy.

    • ChChChChump, you are my hero. You peed on the OW’s stuff and sent it to her. I mailed some stuff to my ex after he moved out and I was tempted to include a turd from the cat but I stopped myself. Couldn’t go through with it. But you, you do the follow-through. Good for you.

      You don’t live in Waco, by any chance? That “organization” you belonged to sounds pretty screwed up.

      • My cheater took a work lamp that belonged to me when he left. I was pissed about it since I still had the receipt and he clearly had taken it for OW to use in her dumpy apartment. So, when I spoke with the cops about my assault charges against him, I told them about the lamp. They paid him a visit and retrieved it forme. I asked the cop if he’d also deliver back some sex toys in a bag that I’d found in a drawer under our bed…but ones I’d never seen…so I figured they belonged to the OW for when she visited in my absence.

        Now, the cop found it so disgusting that Ex would be so horrible as to keep his OW’s paraphernalia in MY house that he, the cop, suggested I toss a dog turd into to the bag as a little token of my esteem for them. The bag was promptly delivered. Never heard another word about it.

        Being a Chump has at times put me on the edge of being a nasty person. But I have learned to set firmer boundaries so I cut and run at the first red flag.

        • Marci, way to go with the dog turd! I don’t suppose you made it sparkly before putting it in the bag? 🙂 How awesome was the cop for suggesting it? I bet he violated the employee handbook with that suggestion.

  • Tracy first I want to share that, before I found out about the serial cheating, and after two days of telling me he was leaving and there was not anything I could do about it, he brought me flowers for my birthday with a card that said “I hope your life is happy with the people who love you”. We had been married 20 years in what I thought was the perfect marriage with the perfect man. I was devastated. So when I read the note I just couldn’t believe it and threw the flowers in the trash can. He saw them and said with a sarcastic tone “really? Is that the way you want to do this?”
    I didn’t even answer. The entitlement of this man who thought he could destroy my life and then give me flowers and expect me to be grateful because hey, he is so thoughtful. I was so lucky to have such a thoughtful cheater.
    Anyway. A month later I found out about the slut. I told him either he came home to tell my teenage kids the truth or I would. He did. He told them “a mistake was made”. Whatever. I told him that I was not going to have him coming into my home to get stuff. Either he took it or I would trash it. A week later he came for it. I didn’t pack a thing for him. And later the few things he left behind I put in a box outside and told him to come get them. Some things that I found later I just trashed.
    I asked a friend to come by and go through my stuff and separate the things and letters and pictures he had given me. I didn’t want to see anything from him. I was so hurt and devastated. I asked my friend to trash everything.
    She said I might regret it later. I didn’t care. Everything was tainted now. So thats how I dealt with his stuff. The wedding album? I trashed it some months ago. Lies, lies and more lies. Who wants to keep an album that represents lies, deceit and betrayal? Not me.

    • Yeah…”a mistake was made”…well I guess he realizes now it was a mistake and tells the kids that? So what he’s telling them is that he knows it was a mistake but is continuing on with the mistake anyway. Sounds like my ex…texted the kids that he has done many bad things (but left out the caveat of “and I’m going to keep doing them anyway because I don’t really care about you very much”). And the OW was angry at him for writing that since it implied she was a bad thing. Umm…ya…did she think the kids would think she is a good thing? Both of them have the same trait of not facing up to the fact that they have lousy characters and somehow delude themselves that they are “nice”. His parting words to me were “I REALLY am nice, you know”. This from a narc serial cheater.

  • After one of the DDays I took a whole lot of stuff round to the place he was renting and included our wedding album. I dumped it in the road and he had to take it all in.
    He was using our son to fetch stuff from the attic and giving him items to store up there after I put a stop to him coming and going and took back his key.
    OW has sold up, put her furnuture in storage, and moved into his tiny rental with him. Apparently she is fanatically tidy, insists that shoes are removed at the door, and was making him give away a lot of possessions that he had spent money on.
    He had the nerve to try to store items bought since he left in my attic as ” I have the space”. NO…not happening.
    I do not wish to destroy or damage photographs and have packed away any I do not want to see.
    He gave the rings I returned to our daughter. I have a card or two received in the past that must have been sent to the wrong lady with all the confusion leading a double life can bring…all about me being his one and only true love..maybe he wrote my name by mistake. I kept them just in case she ever calls here again…I am sure that they are rightfully hers!

  • Just remembed, when my good friend was chumped and left after 30 years for an older woman he had met on holiday she done some packing for him. She wrapped his china in newspaper piece by piece but had a few mishaps along the way…also an opened bottle of scotch…he was bound to want that.
    She “christened” the bottle in toast to their new life together!

  • I burned every single lovey dovey card, every single picture, every single every thing in my back yard fire pit. I had a fake life, married to a fake man, with a fake marriage and all that shit was just FAKE. I wrapped up our wedding album and left it on OW’s door step. I’m sure it’s at the bottom of some garbage pit now too.

  • In the beginning I wanted him back soooo much. I sent him photos of him and the kids. I sent him our wedding pictures. I even baked him his favorite cookies and sent them to him hoping it would trigger him and he’d come back to me. And then I came to my senses.

    I packed his personal shit up in three crates and mailed them to his wuv nest. In cleaning out his drawers I came across a few bottles of Viagra. I thought it was the right thing to do so I sprinkled them throughout the boxes, all over his suits, ties and shirts. I found several vibrators in his drawer, all unopened. They weren’t for me. I took those and placed them on top of each pile of stuff. I packed those boxes so tightly that when they got to the wuv nest one of them broke open and the BOBs, along with his blue buddies, were lying out in the open on the porch floor when he got home.

    He was given one hour to come into my home and get his shit. Of course he took more than he said he would. After the D he asked for additional stuff. In a kinder moment I said okay and packed up the items on his list and literally threw it at the end of my driveway. He was told in no uncertain terms that he was NOT to come onto my property lest the police be called.

    The rest of his crap and my fuckwadabelia was sold at a yard sale. A magnificent spring day sprung and I advertised it on poles throughout the neighborhood – “Divorce Sale.”Got Rid of Him, Now the Stuff.” I sold out within 2 hours.

    I sold my wedding ring and engagement ring for scrap gold and took myself to spa for a facial, mani, pedi and massage.

    The house is now virtually despoused. When I come across a piece of fuckwadabelia I give it a fitting tribute – a trip to the trash.

  • He never gave me much in the way of “mementos” and all of the pictures were always of him, him and my child, him and his family—taken, of course, BY ME. He never wrote love notes, but he did love to email (oh the irony. it’s how he got busted in the first place–hundreds of emails and texts to OW). I put all of the pictures away for safe keeping, for my kid when/if it’s wanted.

    The emails–after I used them in a “legal” way–were deleted. Don’t you just love the “delete” button? Don’t you wish you could hit the “delete” button on whole passages of bad memories?!

    Since material things were all that truly mattered to him, I took great pleasure in seeing his high end shit go to the most wonderfully “undeserving” (HIS words) places. He left these things, and after I asked him to come and get them for the millionth time, I snapped.

    His extremely expensive suits -to the local homeless shelter. I sold his gun collection and donated the funds to the local community college. I trucked every single stick of furniture that he even assisted in making a decision on purchasing—to the local Catholic charities drop off.

    I got receipts for everything I donated and sent them to him with a note telling him that I’m sure if he asked nicely, these good folks might sell his shit back to him. I made damn sure that he knew that I had done something WORSE (in his mind) than toss or burn his shit—I gave his shit to those he deemed beneath him.

    The first alimony check that I received (even though I could have used it for other family related things) was donated to the local Animal Shelter–since XH was SUCH an asshole to my dog (any animal, actually).

    I got about $10,000 worth of letters from his attorney threatening to sue me for the value, but in the end, as all cowards and bullies do when people stand up to them—he skulked off into a corner, admitting that he’d abandoned these things, just like he did our family.

    You don’t get a reward for abandoning your promises and commitments, asshole.

  • I havent gotten rid of the photos yet. As you all know based on yesterday’s post, I have also not gotten rid of the letters/cards. But I can see doing that in the near future, when I’m ready (I would definitely burn them). I only got rid of the bed (that was a BIG relief).

    • Put them in a shoe box and stash them where you won’t see them everyday. Then sort when you are ready–closer to Meh. 🙂

  • One thing I did keep-The James Avery heart he bought the last Christmas I allowed him to be in the house. Turns out he bought the same thing that year for OW#2. I like to wear it every now and then….makes me happy when I remember how she cheated on him and how devastated he was. Karma! Namaste!

  • STBX was served divorce papers two weeks after we were served sheriff sale papers (that’s another story). Since STBX lives like an ostrich with his head in the sand, he didn’t believe that either thing was going to happen – you know unicorns and shit. I started packing right after Christmas because we had to be out by mid February and I had arranged for the kids and I to move in with my mom. Unfortunately in Mid January I tore the miniscus in my knee. Surgery to fix it was scheduled for 5 days before we had to be out – which was also my birthday. STBX assumed that if he helped, I’d take him back. So he and his family finished packing, moved the kids and I to my moms and the balance to a storage unit. STBX volunteered to pay for the unit. Well he paid $1.00 – the first month’s rent. Then chumpy me listened to his sob story and continued paying for it for a year. Decided it was time to downsize. Took my stuff and the kids and moved it to a unit half the size and half the price. Emailed him the first day of the month and told him I was no longer paying for the unit. Took pictures of what I left behind and an inventory. Shortly after, he started raising a ruckus about how what was in the unit was half his and he wanted the Lenox and crystal.(thought he could get $$$ for the stuff!) It was determined by the lawyers that since I paid for storage the items had become mine .When I decided it was time to stop paying for storage, I cleaned out the unit. If it was Lenox or Crystal, it accidentally slipped out of my hands and broke. Ooops never felt so good. Most of it went to the Salvation Army conveniently located behind the storage center, some of it was sold at a yard sale. One thing the kids and I learned was that “things” don’t matter. I look back and think of all the things I held onto and paid to keep that just didn’t mean anything. I also did a good job of selling his gold to help pay for the lawyer. I still have the wedding pictures and photos of the kids with their dad. They can decide what to do with those when they’re older. The last thing i kept is the wedding dress. Sounds silly but it will be the fire source for the bon fire at the party to celebrate when this whole divorce is over!!!!!

  • Decided to treat his stuff like he treated me…..like garbage. So, I did a combination of fire pit burning ceremony, tossed in the garbage and recycle, and then when I found his FAVORITE Christmas ornaments, proceeded to one by one stepping on them–boy did they explode!! I never felt so free after that!!

    • Oh! HOW COULD I FORGET THE BURNING?! Hahahaa, I did that with some stuff too.

      At one point he was having me draw porn for him. …Furry porn. I hated doing it, but in my chumpiness, I figured “If this is what he wants, I will do it and then he will appreciate me!” The whole If I Do What He Wants He Will bs. I would draw this stuff, exactly the way he asked for and what he wanted, and he was like “Thanks, that’s cool, but y’know it’s not the same as looking at OTHER porn…it’s different when you’ve made it yourself.” So apparently customized porn made exactly to his specifications doesn’t count …Whatever.

      So when he left, I got the sketchbook it was drawn in, tore out all the pages, threw them in a pan (my idea of “safety”) and set them on fire in the backyard.

      Funny, the most satisfaction that was had from that porn was watching it burn XD

  • My ex left his computer in the garage. My dad said if he didn’t come to get it, it was going straight in a dumpster. I told him to come get it or else that’s where it would be.

    He came to get it, and tried to convince me he hadn’t had sex with the final OW. Which of course, I still didn’t believe. I’m never going to believe he didn’t bang her.

    The rest of the stuff? The gifts he’d given me throughout our relationship? Pictures? Etc?

    Trash. Bit by bit, one by one, given away or thrown in the trash. The pictures I did have a little fun with first. I found a tiny pair of scissors and my best friend and I cut them into little shapes. Stars, flowers, abstract squiggles, whatever we felt like. Chop, chop, chop. XD

    There were a few things he left that I kept for a while, then sold. He left a copy of Super Mario RPG for the SNES. For those of you who don’t know, this is a very rare and highly sought-after game that has sold for as much as $120 on ebay. When I bought it (for him) it was $52. I kept it, played it through, and then held on to it for a bit just to be able to say that I owned this rare game. I sold it earlier this year for tattoo money. XD

    Satisfying. Very. Satisfying.

  • Photos are such a problematic thing. They can mean such different things to people… My ex (34year marriage here) walked out the door with one roll aboard suitcase stating he wanted nothing from our entire 36 years together, but one of the surprise clauses in the mediation session was to have copies made of all the family photos…. That had to come from his mommy.. Anyway, at first I balked because I was the family archivist and didnt feel he really gave a damn about them. After I moved and dragged around those four boxes of photos and film without wanting to open them, I realized my daughter and I already had any pics we needed, and Since I now questioned the truth of our entire marriage, I decided I was ready to let go of them even though we were not divorced yet (19 months of delays and obstructions by the narc). I packed up all four boxes, including the wedding album, and crated the big framed family photo that was under my bed (like I would ever hang that again?) and shipped them to the lobby of where he moved in with the OW. I enclosed a note stating these were the originals, there were no “backup” copies or pics on DVDs, and I considered his demand for the family photos satisfied. If he chose to damage or get rid of them, then they were gone forever. Side benefit was that since he is shortly to undergo a double hip replacement, she probably had to help drag them all up from the lobby to the condo, and this was a clear message that I wasn’t hanging on or delaying the end of this marriage, I wanted him to be available to marry her, she was welcome to him as long as she agreed to NO give backs. They probably had to walk around the piles of albums, photos, old tapes, and that huge picture that represented real people, real collateral damage, for who knows how long right in the middle of the living room instead of just previous shadows to lock away on disc, all tidy in a drawer. The day I left the UPS office I started smiling, and have very content about the decision to let them all go… No regrets at all! I had checked and cleared this with my therapist, my family and my daughter, and they were all fine with my decision. Let him , and her for that matter, keep shoving the big framed photo of his former family under their bed and dragging around all those boxes!

    • I love that they probably were stuck walking around the huge family photo sitting their in their living room or wherever.

      • Seattle,
        That’s a great story. I think these narcy cheater couples have a knack for ignoring the magnitude of the grief and loss they cause. Seeing all those photos will definitely trigger regret at some point. He was probably hoping to nave a neat little digital record that he could sock away and propbably never look at, so he could believe he’d never really destroyed anything as long as the photos exist.

        Letting him know how little you value those things is a fantastic way to basically deliver negative kibbles.

  • The day after DDay on Easter, 2010, I started maniacally searching Craigslist for an apartment where I could offload Big Chief Dumb Fuck, ’cause I knew that unless I took matters into my own hands, he’d never leave. Found him an apartment in three days, and bullied him into putting down the deposit and signing the papers.

    Then I started bringing home boxes from the liquor store every night on my way home from work (the liquor was for me, the boxes were for his crap!). Spent three weeks packing up every single article of clothing, piece of sheet music, trumpet gadget (he’s a musician, btw), every stupid sporting gadget, and every last scrap of his childhood memorabilia. The damn antique spinning wheel from his mother he insisted was “priceless.” Even hauled up the useless Nordic Trak skier, and put that in the bedroom! I remember him going stark raving bonkers, because the master bedroom, where he slept alone, was piled high with box after box of his shit. On moving day, I made sure every last box, along with all the bedroom and living room furniture went into the truck – I only kept the girls’ bedrooms and the dining room set which was a gift from my parents. I set up lawnchairs in the living room and slept on an air mattress in the basement until I could buy brand new uncontaminated furniture.

    And then I started Cosmic Cleansing….I washed every single goddamn surface in that house that his slimy fingers might have touched with bleach and disinfectant: baseboards, cupboards, shelves, windows, molding, walls, floors, doors, toilet, sink, bathtub, lightswitches. The master bedroom stayed empty for four months while I bleached the walls, painted, refinished the woodwork, sanded and varnished the floor, changed all the electrical outlets and light switches. Hell, a good friend even brought sage for me to burn in there, to banish the Evil Juju.

    He had no interest in any family photos or mementos at all. It was as if none of us existed for him any more. I’ve packed away the albums for the girls to deal with after I’m dead and gone.

    The wedding ring I sold for scrap gold and gave the money to a local shelter for battered women. It felt so good.

    Oddly enough, when I was drawing up the divorce paperwork (I did our Pro Se), and itemizing which personal items were being retained by which party, his Twatwaffle must have put a notion in his head, because all of a sudden, he was demanding the return of a collection of Dept. 56 Snow Village houses which he claimed were personal gifts to HIM, rather than something we collected together. I’m presuming he thought they were Extremely Valuable, like Beanie Babies (!), and that he could sell them for cash. Told him I would put the enormous box of packed houses at the end of the driveway on a Monday afternoon and that he had to retrieve them before Tuesday morning, otherwise they would be picked up with the normal trash collection.

    Every scrap of paper, I burned. Gleefully.

    I remarried this past summer to a wonderful old friend who had lost his wife to cancer five years ago. Next year, we will be completely rebuilding my house. And absolutely no trace of Dumb Fuck will remain, as if he had never set foot in my life.

  • As far as the rest of the household, well, he dropped his bomb and walked out hours before the movers were to return to take us to our new downsized condo after selling the bid empty nest home. Thank god our 25 yr old daughter was visiting..yes, he did it then deliberately so she could also function as clean up detail and he wouldn’t have to man up and stay long enough to divide the property. The movers came, she had them open boxes, re pack my choices, and load only my stuff up, leaving all his shit, including way more than he was prepared to deal with like items from the barn, etc. I went through a whole box of Kleenex, went to copy all the household financial records and tax returns, put the thousands of dollars cash found in his drawer ( just one withdrawel from what turned out to be a secret account of six figure diverted marital funds- my lawyers loved this!)into a new safety deposit box along with the only key available to our marital deposit box still full of our important stuff, and then she sent me to my doc to be tested for every std known to man….
    Several days later after he had to scramble to get what I’d left out of the house because we had sold, closed, and the new owners were arriving, daughter made a run to his little apt with everything we could find I didn’t want as we hastily unpacked me during her last days still in town. I sent along all the old dishes, wine glasses, linens, towels, the old scarred pots and pans, mismatched shit, etc, anything of his or anything I decided I wanted new! All the letters I sent to him I kept and burned, and all the reconciliation letters from multiple abandonments over the years, along with some horrific disclosure letters from one of his family members, oh, and a charming do it yourself porn tape he made with one of his early cheats, well, I turned those over to my lawyers too. The jewelry gifts and rings over the years will either be reworked or sold and worn or put to practical use (round the world cruise, anyone?) in the future, taken under my new name!

  • X#1: The judge said I had to give him half of all the household goods. He didn’t, however, say I had to give them to him *clean*. So my daughter and I used all the pots, pans, plates, bowls, cups, flatware, etc. and then packed them all wrapped in newspaper in box after box. Lazy bastage that he was, he wouldn’t wash them. Eventually his latest dumpster-dive of a hO-Wife wound up unwrapping and washing it all. So – and I quote, “He would love me more ’cause I done that for him”.

    X#2: Took forever and a day to come get her crap. Fortunately I had friends staying with me at the time, and they helped me disassemble and pack anything I couldn’t bear to coexist with. Like the expensive custom Swedish designer bed she’d insisted we order and then wound up boinking the OW on it. All of it had such bad juju! I guess it was some kind of game to her – taking a long time between trips to see if I was still pining away. At that point I wanted nothing more than to MOVE ON!!! So I came up with the idea of the Great Craigslist Pay-It-Forward Giveaway. We took everything and put it out on the front lawn. Furniture, records, clothing… then I posted an ad on Craigslist with the address and for everyone to come help themselves. And they did. It was picked clean in hours. For someone who was such a compulsive collector, I was surprised how much she abandoned. The flamingo collection though, got a special treatment. My kids and housemates went through it and wrapped each piece in Xmas gift paper, then we went to a Secret Santa party and dumped the whole lot under the tree. The hostesses told me later it took them over three years of visiting other peoples’ parties to get rid of the stash.

    Round #3: Had done a lot of dating in between X#2 and current spouse… before we got serious, I had a big bonfire where I burnt all the letters, mementoes, dried rose petals, paper towel roses, and other tokens of “affection” I’d acquired over this period. Found stuff I’d missed from Xs 1&2. All went in the firebowl. I took commemorative video of it on my phone. It felt really good to clear out the old stale energy so new fresh energy could come in.

    • Sunny, why do our cheaters have so little respect for us as to fuck the AP on our bed? I mean, that’s what my ex did too. And for me, that’s just way to much. The level of disrespect that this action conveys is unmeasurable. It pisses me off so much!!! :/

      I’m sorry that happened to you too.

  • I gave my kid pick of the good jewelry, and sold the rest. (Auction for the win!). I saved the pix of child as young thing, DVDs all that stuff. I have all her childhood stuff.

    I gave him things like my wedding shoes (worn once! I left an note–said he could throw them away, ’cause I didn’t feel like it.

    I took all the art and furniture from my family (aka the good stuff); left him with the leftovers. We shared out the good rugs–and then, when he followed his bliss, er, dick, to be with Narcissa-California Parkinson, he was going to sell what was left to the tenants in his apartment, so I cherry picked a few more rugs (I like rugs, and given the cost, decided I could clean them and overlook the chump provenance…).

    I too saved some things that I though would help my daughter situate her life, as she gets older. Although ex grew up in Indonesia (nice stuff) I didn’t want most of it–super bad memories, but I kept a few pieces in case he’s such a numbskull that she doesn’t get anything. (I will say being in the throes of weeding out the stuff that was in storage from my parents’ house has given me a long-term perspective on this…)

    If a picture has asshole Ex in it, I just stash it in a box I can’t see. I tried to get rid of as much as I could, pictures of him and his crap family. But I am aware that it’s my kid’s history too. A fine line.

    But–in the end, I no longer live in the middle of things that remind me of him. I bought new everyday china cheaply, and donated the old stuff to charity. Same with my bed, and linens. What’s here now is mine. And he’s gone. Phew!

  • Letters, cards, and old photos are now in the city dump. The majority of items were donated to Goodwill. The latest gifts were donated to a charity auction to raise money for a young mother with advanced breast cancer. I was told the items fetched more than what was paid for them.

    He sent my daughter(not his) a box of items for Christmas, 6 months after D-day. Why?? She split the box with her brother and they re-gifted them among their friends.

    After our reconciliation I realized I had saved everything from our past. I had not gotten over him. I did not know he was a cheater just thought he was a good guy with selfish asshole tendencies. I’m taking a play from the Narc/cheater handbook by re-writing history. Our story once being given an entire chapter is now just a footnote.

  • If it doesn’t rain, I am cleaning out dickheads stuff this weekend. It has been a long time coming. I have scads of stuff from his wretched mother. She was a hoarder and left ‘airloom’ for my daughers… that is going to his penalty box. Then I am going to wrap up all the old letters in a box with his confessions of infidelity that my kids dont’ know about, and put them some where that they can find when I die, if I haven’t told them by then. Burning shit sounds good too.

    But the most wonderful thing of all is just getting him and his nasty gooey, greasy scent and sense out of the house. I love bleaching the walls. I am going to be painting them shortly. FU ha!

  • I’ve been fortunate that I’ve never had to clean out belongings of my ex’s from my house – and the gifts I have been given serve more practical use than the bad memories from said things (though the memories have since faded).
    Being the daughter of a chump though (though my mum was a warrior-queen when it happened – she did exactly what was the right thing to do, to turf a cheater and gain a life) – when she was sifting through my father’s crap to throw out/burn – she came across some documentation which gave proof beyond all reasonable doubt of his money-squirrelling and other fuckwitted behaviour – which was used against him (and succeeded) in a settlement decision. Bwahahaha!

  • Well……
    He left me washing. Which because he put it in the machine before he left, I allowed it to wash. THEN to save electricity costs, I didn’t dry it but put it in a big bag along with his “work” (haha as if) clothes and old shoes. Tied it up good and tight and left it to fester until he collected it.

    The stuff from the garage I piled (read threw as hard as I could) into the driveway and told him it had to be collected by 10 because that’s when I had to leave and I had no problem driving over the top of it.

    Photos in the wedding album I went through and pulled any that didn’t have him in it. Then I took the candle lighter and burned into his face in every single photo. It was actually quite an amazing thing because of course the photos didn’t catch fire but instead burned a perfect orange, inflamed circle over his head, which remained that colour even after it had cooled down. Then I tossed the album anyway.

    I didn’t have letters, cards or even presents really so that wasn’t a problem. Everything else I cleaned out pretty quick? But I will never forgive him for discarding and blaming his children.

    Not very mature am I? 😉

    • Oh reading Jillybean’s response below I also remembered that I carried my rings around in my purse taking them into various places to get them costed. Somewhere along the line ai lost the wedding ring (symbolic or what?) but with the money I got for the engagement ring I got my foot tattoed with the word “liberte” when I got divorced and took myself and a girlfriend out for lunch.

      • I took all the jewelry my ex gave me along with my wedding rings to decide what to do with them, and somehow managed to lose them too Nat! I also considered it symbolic, oh well,..

  • About 6 months after DDay, I couldn’t stand looking at “our” shit everyday. I could feel his energy in my new place. Over the course of a weekend I went through every single photo, card, memory, asked myself how I felt inside about certain things, then wrapped them all in my wedding dress and put them in the bin. Collected the dog shit from the back yard and dumped it on top. Very significant of how he treated me in the last 12 years. Hocked my eternity ring at Cash Converters & brought an acoustic guitar. Wedding & engagement rings have been melted down and made into one ring of my choice. Bad juju gone. No regrets.

  • Oh, the despousing was a bit of a whoresmasbord with me. A little of this, some of that. Some of you have heard this before, so bear with me.

    On D-Day I threw away every sentimental thing. Cards, mementos, concert tickets, pressed flowers, lego VW buses, Chewbacca and Han Solo made from perler beads. I demanded back his engraved ring, which said “my love forever” in Welsh.

    Apparently forever is three years in Welsh, I sold my ring the next day and paid the heating bill.

    A few weeks later he moved out, No one helped him, NO. ONE. LIFTED. A. FINGER. I’m sure Ho Worker would have, but this house is mine alone and he was warned if she ever set foot on my property she would find a shiv in her yaphole. He had to fill a U-Haul by himself. He emptied half the house, but didn’t take anything from the kitchen or garage Not even his daughters pictures or baby dishes. He said he wanted everything fresh. Like he was a swell guy. Or in a hurry to nail the Ho.

    I hope your balls swell, tosspot. With infection.

    After I realized he’d left a few shirts behind in the laundry. I cried on them, wore them to bed. The next day he declared his love for Schmoopie on Facebook.

    The kids and I barbecued his shirts and wedding ring on the grill. We toasted marshmallows. My marshmallows forever. Fy malws melys am byth, ya’ll!

    I took his ugly brown kitchen things to Goodwill. I gave away his pots and pans. I remembered in the final things that the only thing he cried bitterly to mourn was that I had thrown away his ‘good’ (filthy shitty, WalMart) microwave and bought a red one. I bought red everything. Red appliances- they’re GARLIC to Narcovampires!

    He tried to Hoover additional smirky contact by insisting he forgot this, or took that by mistake. To which I said, “A. Mail it. B. Mail it. C.Throw it away like you did your wife and stepdaughter.” I was very proud he never set foot in my house after the day he left his key.

    After the divorce was final, he began to grouse he forgot this or that. I sorted his stupid Christmas stuff that HE FORGOT TO TAKE, then he FAILED TO COME GET and told his daughter I STOLE from them. Sent his daughter a nice letter telling her exactly where the stuff was and wondered why good old dad was such a fibber.

    Sigh, seven months after D-Day, I’m finally done, All the marshmallows, car chargers and integrity are belong to me!

  • On photos; I can’t really say if I’d have kept them all since my ex took nearly all of them secretly while we were in false reconciliation – he took the hard drive and all my back up CDs/DVDs because he was trying to cover his cheating. So I have almost no photos, not even ones of myself, friends or family.

    Ex also secretly removed every single movie & music media we owned, leaving behind the cases so I would not notice. I didn’t realize this until after the divorce was final because I had no appetite for movies or music until later. Basically he stole about $5K in entertainment, he even took music he hated (I suppose the OW might have liked Tracy Chapman).

    As far as his shit (clothes, tv, computer, etc), when I finally got the protective order, his mother and her husband came to take the things he needed immediately. I then boxed up every single thing of his I could find and put it in the basement. I kept asking him to send someone to get the shit, but no dice. Then my basement flooded and all his shit was wet. At that point I told him to send someone in 3 days or it was trash. I *almost* felt sorry for his mother when they came to get that crap. It was a truckload of sopping wet boxes that they had to put in garbage bags. I sold a helluva bunch of stuff on craigslist, crap he bought and never used.

    The only things remaining were a ugly lazy boy couch, a lamp and misc. shit he negotiated to retrieve in the settlement. So movers came and got them when the divorce was final. The cat puked on the couch shortly before the movers came and I did NOT clean it up – his problem.

    I would say this, I am right now wearing socks he gave me for Christmas a few years ago, they are soft and comfortable. I don’t usually think of him when I put them on. I’m rather practical about that kind of shit. If I purged every item that reminded me of my ex I’d have to move and this is MY house, not going anywhere.

    I’ve reached a point where I believe that what happened is in the past and I can’t afford to erase that past. It’s part of me, my experiences were real. What I felt was real. Whether my ex was presenting a facade the entire relationship, or whether his mental illness became worse, or he was a complete psychopath from day one; it is not that important. What he was feeling or doing or lying about. Not on me. I did have happy times with ex, and I won’t erase those in order to erase the bad times. I don’t need to do that, and it would mean many years of my life becoming ghostly. I would become like my ex, a person who could not remember most of his own childhood (or much else), I refuse to erase my life. I remember, I grow, I accept the good with the bad. Can’t do much else. The way I see it now is; if I was happy in that moment caught in a photo or in the birthday card, the bracelet – that was real to ME at the time. I’ve come to peace with the deaths of my father and my mother, so glad I kept everything I have of them. I’ve come to peace with my ex on this level. If I were not afraid of him I would be fine by now. I know even the fear will pass when there is no more reason. Then I believe I’ll be able to smile at the bits and pieces of the happy times, so I kept some things and boxed them away.

    That was a ramble and not very clear. I guess what I’m saying is we all come to our own place in this. I certainly purged my house of most of my ex’s things when I first escaped him. I am glad now that I didn’t destroy everything, I’d caution against destruction of mementoes until you are a couple years out. Later you may wish you had those things, or you may not.

    • That was awesome, Dat. Sounds like you’ve really come full circle on this, but then, you’ve put in the work. That is an inspiration to the rest of us who are still working our way through.

      BTW, love the image of the cat puking on the couch right before the movers came. Perfect. 🙂

    • I totally get it, Dat. Like you, I still have a pair of fuzzy socks my ex gave me that are warm and comfy, so I still occasionally wear them. I got rid of a lot of things he gave me, but I still have many others, along with furniture we picked out and used together. After all, he was the major part of my life from ages 23 to 46, and because of our son, he is never going to be 100% erased from my life. I do have many good memories from my marriage, and whether or not he hated me even then, what difference does it make? The memories are still mine.

      That’s also why I kept quite a few pictures of the two of us. They were taken at events that were important to me, why pretend they didn’t happen just because a cheating fuck was in my life at the time?

      • I have lots of things from my marriage to my XH (not the Jackass). I loved him and he loved me, as much as an alcoholic can love anyone other than the drug(s). I still have my favorite picture of him on my desk at work. Sometimes seeing things make me a little sad, but in my new life I want to feel all the feelings. There is sadness (and happy memories) because it mattered. I’m not at the point where I can remember any of the good stuff with Jackass yet, although I can think about his cat and hope she’s OK. Maybe that will be full Meh for me–to be able to remember the fun times, because they were real for me, if not for him.

    • Dat–I had argued something similar in one of the posts that got deleted by the server glitch. I think of my 25 years and photos with STBX similarly to what I think of high school–wouldn’t want to go back, and there were bad times, but there were also good times, and both helped to define me. I won’t throw out any photos, even our wedding picture. The photos don’t induce melancholy in me anymore–just an academic, “Oh, yes, that memory.”

  • I was forced from my home … my safety was in jeopardy … and only had two opportunities to return for my belongings. Those two 4-hour opportunities didn’t give me time to sort through 26 years of stuff, so I only took what had real sentimental value, plus a few other things. I left LOTS behind, but it was just ‘stuff’ and not worth the fight I’d face to get them. As it was, the police were called on the things I did take … a vacuum cleaner, a bike rack, and a hoodie (yes, that’s right … a hooded sweatshirt!). I’m sure by now the ex has trashed everything else, but I don’t care. Just to be free of him was worth it.

    • You did the right thing Jam Lady! I wish I’d gotten out that way, I was too stubborn and blind – I wouldn’t give up my house. I’m lucky I didn’t end up dead over that stupidity. Jedi Hugs!!!

  • The cowardly dick (one of my pet names for him) left most of his shit, e.g., clothes, office gear, etc., in the apartment and a load of stuff in storage – for which I was paying the fees. So, the clothes and office gear went to whoever wanted them with the remainder to Salvation Army. The stuff in storage? I went through and took the papers (precious business records, personal info folks want to keep private, and more) that I thought the pack rat piece of shit would want the most and unceremoniously but gleefully threw them in a dumpster. Not shredded. Fully disclosable information. Was that wrong? Too bad. Scum bag. Then, when it came to getting the remaining stuff out of storage, first I went and got everything I wanted out. Would he know some items are missing that the may have wanted to keep?? Who remembers what was in storage after not seeing it for a year or two. Not the stupid prick. Once he was going over what was left, he asked to have this one big item that, personally I was anxious to get rid of, so I gave it to him. But, oops, forgot I have the key…without which it is totally useless. Oh, so sad. Dickwad! Then, I went through his precious, autographed first edition books – (“But those are mine.” Boo hoo mother fucker. I took the best ones, i.e., the most valuable. Then, when it came to photos of our honeymoon, other vacation shots. He asked if I wanted them. Like they had meaning to me. I said they’re trash, chuck ’em. They’re just representations of lies. In the end, getting rid of all that stuff was almost as much a relief as getting rid of his ugly, NFC (no fucking chin), slack-jawed, lie-emitting face.

  • I left the cheater ex and the family home so I bought all new stuff. New bed first then I furnished the rest of my new place. I didn’t take any family photos and I told him to feel free to burn the wedding album. I have some stuff left over from my past life and a few things he gave me but I’ve only kept those things that have utility that I don’t want to replace right at the moment. (e.g. my kindle). I felt the same way about my computer until it died last weekend. I was bummed but only because I had to part with a fair amount of money to replace it.

    I couldn’t make chumfetti because I left behind any cards he gave me. He’s not a writer so he never sent me love notes or anything of the sort so nothing to shred. A bon fire would be satisfying but since I live in an apartment complex it is frowned upon in this establishment.

    Pretty soon I won’t have any of it and I can’t wait to add his last name to that list!

  • I thought I was losing my mind for a second there. I definitely didn’t understand the yawn comment and then Lania’s comment was confusing as hell for me too. Troll activity is off the charts this week huh? There must be a convention nearby!

  • I’ve decided to leave the Cheater and gain a life.

    Cheater gets the house. Me? I’m taking the valuable stuff (mostly from my family and either a heirloom or given to me) and leaving the junky stuff in the house with the cheater. 😀

  • 6 years after he moved out I have found a stash of funeral cards of his mum, aunt and cousin…they were RC and laminated cards were produced bearing their photographs along with verse. Out of respect for the dead I will return these.
    He was secretly gathering photos and stuff he wanted prior to DDay but could not find a collection of army plaques from each place where he served…I was with him in those years. I refused permission for him to continue to rummage around up there but said that IF and WHEN I find them then I will pass them on. Unlike him I keep my word and am living by my values and not his.
    I have decided that I will no longer be transformed into a deranged madwoman who burns/trashes/ rages in response to his antics.
    I went through that stage but it is to far from meh and too exhausting to keep up.
    When he came here one day and asked about half the value of our tired old furniture – obviously primed by OW – my response was short and to the point. He backed down when I suggested he borrow a wheelbarrow and take his pick.
    I do not want to obliterate such a huge chunk of my own life just to spite him. The last xmas before he went his brother gave us a calander made up of photos taken on a big family reunion that year. Our family were the July slot – I cut me out of the shot but that upset my kids. He told brother that something had been spilled on it and got a replacement which he took. He left it hanging on rental wall at our page until he moved the following year. OW who was kept secret for a long time must have enjoyed the view.

  • Last week my therapist suggested to make a pretty box to keep all memorabilia of my STBX to get unstuck….sounds like a big bonfire will become my “Plan B”.

  • After I filed for divorce after many years of Narc abuse, I gave him all the pictures of us taken over the years with the name of the OW on the back because he said he was never happy.

  • My x and I both wanted the house I found and renovated for over a decade. I finally realized that it was better that he not know where I was. So I left all of his crap there and removed any trace of me. Not a photo. Nada. He was demanding everything I’d brought into the relationship and everything I’d inherited along the way. Nope. My grandmother didn’t love you more than me, and I’m taking her furniture that she left me. Like that. He wanted to split the set of wedding china. Nope. Bite me. I won’t split the sibling cats either. So I got what was mine, and what was really really important to me, and he and his replacement spouse got to live in the house I built and deal with his unfortunate furnishing choices. I have no regrets. I didn’t lose a thing I needed.

  • When X FINALLY moved out, he left the basement a shit hole. It took me two full days and a dumpster to remove the crap the left in true “entitled, fuck you, clean up after me AGAIN” fashion. Then, my friend and I destroyed his homemade bar with crowbars.

    As far as his treasures in the attic, I had a bonfire for the papers, and donated the rest of his crap to Savers.

  • This weekend I had to package up all the FuckTard’s stuff and deliver his items to my attorney. I had to inventory everything and label the items. It took forever but the labels were cemented on with a hair dryer. I didn’t want them to peel off. It will take him hours to remove those stickers.

  • This subject was very interesting to me as I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do with all of the pictures. Thirteen and a half years of marriage, and three years together before that. Two kids together. Last night I went right upstairs and started separating all the pictures out. Separated all the pictures of just him and him and the kids. Putting the pictures with all of us, or me and him, away in the garage somewhere so the girls can have the ones the want when they are older. I’m going to give him all the pictures of just him and him and the kids together. But I’ve been obsessing about putting a note with them when I give them to him. Something like, “I was debating on shredding these, but since you are such a narcissistic douchebag I thought you would enjoy all these pictures of yourself. Oh, and I included pictures of you and your daughters. Maybe and your skank homewrecker can sit around and reminisce about the family you used to have”. I really want to do that but would that just make me look pathetic? I really need advice here.

    • Hi, Worthbound: Narc cheaters interpret any kind of interaction as kibbles. Write a nasty note to get it out of your system. Then throw it out and put the pictures in a box for him with no note. Let your daughters give it to him (and if you happen to draw a Hitler mustache on him in one of the pictures halfway through…well, who could blame you?)

      • Yeah, you are right. I think I just needed someone to remind me of that. A little over two years on this site and you think I would have that kibbles thing down by now : ( ABSOLUTELY love the idea of the Hitler mustache though! What a great find that would be for him. lol I’m going to pull out all the cards he gave me and shred them some night this week, as soon as the girls are back with him. Don’t need them to witness that! Can’t wait for the satisfaction of that though. Wine and shredding!

      • I removed all our wedding photos from his album that he inherited from his father when father died. He has not asked for any photos of the kids – anyway almost all the photos are the ones I took since he never thought it was important for the kids to have those later (while I made 2 copies of everything for each kid’s albums). It was weird – he wanted photos of himself, but wasn’t interested in photos of the kids or me, although he would ask for photos to send to his family so that he looked like he was a family man. Narcissist. Fake. I could see he only looked carefully at himself in photos. Worthbound, I don’t see why you should make the effort to give him the photos – let him ask for them.

        • Yes, that was another train of thought I was having. Why give him any of them? He obviously didn’t care when he left. He didn’t ask for any pictures or other memorabilia. But he sure was concerned about who got the big screen tv and other furniture. Asswipe.

    • Worthbound,

      First of all, I agree with the advice Tempest gave you. Second of all, narcissistic skunks don’t reminisce, they go on with their lives until one day, they are all alone and sad in the world, and by that time, people like you and I don’t give a crap about them anymore. So you sending that note will just make you look pathetic and it will be kibbles for him. Send the pictures with no note. But to get rid of the obsession, write the letter and post it here if you need support and validation. About your ex, just trust that he sucks and you can’t change that. Whatever you say or do, is kibbles to him, so don’t waste your precious time sending him a note.

      • I know, you’re right. No kibbles for him! I just need to write it all down tonight and get rid of it. Thanks for your support and comment.

  • My current husby had a reconcilement with his first wife after they’d been separated for a year. He built a new home during the separation, had custody of their kids, proceeded to pursue divorce, and then heard how she wanted to be “try again” and he caved. A few months into it, he left for work and she caught a flight across the country – leaving him with thousands $$ in credit card debt she’d opened in his name but taking the contents of his bank accounts and one kid; two elementary aged sons were left behind – they got to come home from school to find she’d left them permanently.

    He had a massive rummage sale of all the stuff she’d moved back with and never unpacked – marked everything for a $1.

  • This weekend I began the great pitch out…. I have 12 packed boxes filled with ‘airloom’ from my now deseased Xmil and Xfil. Psychos that they were. My X didn’t want to store them when he left. Actually, I think his plan was for me to relent and ask him to come home… so why bother taking them. Ha! Ha! funny how that worked out. So he needs to come over and get this stuff and take it with him. So his stuff purged, all kinds of other stuff purged and of to the Salvation Army it goes. Oh and I changed the lock on the door and told teenage daughter that I had changed the lock, gave her a key and told her I didn’t want her father coming in the house and snooping around without first letting me know he was coming. She didn’t take that very well… her father can do no wrong in her eyes but oh well. I am learning about boundaries here and this is a boundary of mine.

  • How do you get rid of their crap???????????

    I wish I fucking knew.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Since this tread was first posted I have received a letter of cease and desist via my solicitor in regard to STBX collecting his stuff. For two reasons,1. Because I have a council collection coming up where you can put your big rubbish items out and they will take them away I thought it would be a good opportunity to put out the rusty crap in the yard e.g. old BBQ, torn arm chair, old mower. But thought it best to ensure that the idiot didn’t have reason to whine about stuff going, so I mentioned it to him in person and then sent him a list of the things going out with a photo. 2. Because he has been dicking around since november on collecting stuff apparently it was too difficult to coordinate with his minders from church to come with him. I advised STBX via text he had till the 25th to act on collecting the rest of his stuff or I would suitably relocate it for him. As I learnt directly from the elder that STBX had expressed he did not require for someone to come and my request was ignored. Because I am insisting on this as I do not trust STBX and want to make sure he is kept on his best behavior, and for them to bear witness to how big an ass he can be. The elder then advised me STBX would need to select further dates and check with the elder if he can make it. Apparently this one elder is the only person out of a core of 20 from the church is able to assist in this matter so I have to wait for when it is suitable for both of them. Sure you just drag it out to suit you! it is not your fucking life on hold in all of this, or is this your way of paying me back for removing myself from your authority………..Entitled assholes.

    So now I have a letter asking that I cease to threaten my STBX with disposing of his things he will be happy to collect his item from the house along with designated furniture once agreed upon in settlement and is wishing to handle this matter as amicably as possible and my messaging him in the manner I have is not conducive to an amicable result.
    Praise God I now have a dog at my door in the form of my solicitor as he has clarified the nature of my text messages and has made it very clear that the only things being put out is the rubbish. But as a result I now sit and wait.
    The up side is now I really can go NC except in relation to the kids (fuck have to sit with the tool at clinic tomorrow) must remember to down load new post to read…before I go.

    So how do you get rid of their crap you wait till they pay a solicitor to act for them as it seems no one else will and you wait till they feel justified enough…………..

  • I packed up most of the things that DB left behind when he “moved out to work on himself.” As I was packing, I took some of the nicer clothes and donated them to charity. Going through his crap, I uncovered more and more evidence of cheating- some I didn’t know about. That just made me more angry and I packed things with a vengeance! Cards and letters he gave me got shredded. I took my dress from the “wedding that never was” and donated it to a place in TX that makes (burial) gowns for stillborn infants. He continued to get mail at my home, which I forwarded for awhile to OW parents’ house, then I started to throw it away. Later on, he asked for a few things that he left behind, but I told him I threw the stuff away. Actually, I sold his crap. LOL

  • Hoping this post doesn’t dissappear.
    I got back with my ex to “reconciliate”. Little did I know all he wanted was a secretary. We had just moved back into the house, of course I did all the packing and ferrying. Then he would not come home and decided he wasn’t going to stay there, (yet it was OK for all his stuff to be there and out of his hair in his tiny condo). So I asked him for two months, please, on your day off, come get your things. When he stood me up after several requests, I packed it up loosley in boxes, and put it on the curb. Called him and reminded him the kind of neighborhood we lived in, and if he didn’t come and get them before everyone else did, he wasn’t going to have them at all.

    Next day he was complaining to me that he put his shoulder out moving it all back to his place. Poor baby.

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