What do I make of this goodbye letter from my cheater ex?
It has been 7 months since since we said our goodbyes following D-Day #1. She left me to be with the affair partner. But she replied to my goodbye letter. I still cannot read it without crying. The letter starts with a quote she wrote to me BEFORE we got together. She and I were a gay couple who had to go against our church and our families to be together. We had to give up so much and fight so hard just to be together. We lived together for 4 years.
The letter goes like this:
“Hey…whatever happens…u can’t forget that I love you now…ks? U can’t. Cuz even if I’m wrong later, I’m being as honest as I can now…even if it feels like ur heart is smashed into ten thousand shards later, even if you think its all my fault, or if one or the other or both of us stop loving each other later in time…u cant forget that I love you now…cuz it’s history. Its already written. We cant lose history, ever.”
(Here is where I realized she never promise me a future, it was ALL laid out since the very beginning, but I guess I was already blinded by love).
maybe you’ll hate me in the future: “how can she do this to me?” maybe you hate me now. Maybe I’ll never get over my burden: “how could I have ended us?” maybe I wont ever forgive myself. Maybe it’ll take a longer time to heal than either of us expect. Maybe it’ll take shorter at the same time. Maybe we’ll be enemies. Maybe we’ll be best friends.
But I can’t deny. We can’t forget…That I’ll be forever grateful to you for being the first to show me love. You’ll always be my first. I’ll always be grateful for how it felt like you saved me from my life. I’ll always remember how you showed me how to be mature. How you showed me how I can trust. For being an amazing support and girlfriend. You gave me life. A life.
I’m so sorry for everything, but I am so grateful to you for everything. Thank you for believing me and believing in me. Thank you for accepting my sacrifice of church & family & life for me to be with you.
I’ll never forget when you first held me & I thought I’ve found something that I had been searching for my whole life.
Dont take this the wrong way, but I miss us. I miss our life. I guess things that are not will always be missed. We are at God’s mercy now. But I’m grateful. I had never been more grateful for anything he’d given me than him letting us be together these four years. I was and will continue to be so grateful.
Don’t forget I loved you. Don’t forget we’ll always be of Christ together.
I appreciate your birthday present, but I don’t think my tattoo is something I shouln’t be paying for myself. I hope you understand.
Maybe you’ll hate me in the future. Maybe you hate me now. Thats not bad. But neither of us will forget the love we had & I will never not be grateful.
This is the end. This was the letter she wrote to me in response to a letter I wrote when she moved out. Yes, I was still doing the pick me dance (even offered to pay for her tattoo — a tattoo she was getting with the AP).
Btw, I have been following your posts for 6 months. I thank you because you gave me strength when I thought I didn’t have any. I am so much better now since I have been no contact since she moved out, but I’m still hunted by the memories, the betrayal, the pain, the anger and the letter. Please help me make sense of this crap.
I would put that letter through the patented Universal Bullshit Translator but it would just spit out this:
Cake, cake, cake! Yummy! Jesus! Cake!
You need some distance and more no contact (keep at it, girl!) to get perspective on this. That letter reads like it was written by a drunk 7th grader.
u can’t forget that I love you now…ks? U can’t. Cuz even if I’m wrong later, I’m being as honest as I can now
Bea, people who love you don’t write in text-speak. Look, I know I’m ancient, and an editor. (Really despite my typos, I care, people!) I know I’m looking at this through a different generational lens. My own teenager responds to my loving missives “Be safe! Love you pumpkin muffin!” with “K.” A. Single. Letter.
I know he loves me (somewhere, deep down in his acne-pocked soul), but really what he’s trying to tell me in his text-speak succinctness is YOU MORTIFY ME, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, AND NEVER CALL ME PUMPKIN MUFFIN AGAIN.
Text-speak is the lowest form of communication. I can’t bother to write full sentences, that’s how much attention I’m paying to this.
What you have in that letter is badly constructed emotional vomit. The woman can’t bother to express coherent thoughts coherently because she doesn’t have any. So what you’re left with is a cipher, that you’re trying desperately to untangle.
I love you now…ks? (Question mark?)
Maybe we’ll be enemies. Maybe we’ll be best friends. (Who the fuck knows? But what’s important is that you’re focused on ME.)
Don’t forget I loved you. (Past tense. Direct contradiction to “I love you now.” Which, okay, she wrote you earlier, but then she tacked it on to this letter — WHY? To make you wonder.)
Bea, this is just mindfuckery. Stop trying to make sense of it. I’m sure some chump reading this will count how many times this cheater said “I” and “me” and “my.” The point is, she threw you a piss poor kibble (a letter! She wrote me a misspelled, incoherent letter!) with the intent of receiving MORE kibbles back from you. Longing, missing, friendship, burning hatred — it’s all KIBBLES.
I’ll never get over my burden: “how could I have ended us?” maybe I wont ever forgive myself. Maybe it’ll take a longer time to heal than either of us expect. Maybe it’ll take shorter at the same time. Maybe we’ll be enemies. Maybe we’ll be best friends.
How will she ever get over her “burden” of cheating on you? “Ended us”? She fucked around on you. But it sounds much more poetic and meaningful and devoid of shit-owning when you call it a “burden.” It’s the typical cheater speak of This Is Very Hard On Them. She so burdened, she got a new tattoo. She’s so burdened, she followed that sentence up with maybe it will take a shorter time to heal. Hey! I’m not that deep! Who knows?!
You are nothing in this letter except a satellite to HER, and her delusional grandiosity — her burdens, her sacrifices, her “gratitude.”
Newsflash — you don’t demonstrate gratitude to your girlfriend by fucking around on her behind her back.
Bea, quit buying into this shit. That you and she are star-crossed lovers and her betrayal of you is something Bigger Than You Both, portended in the stars. She’s a run-of-the-mill cheater. Okay, she’s a lesbian Jesus cheater, but Bea, she’s still an ordinary, banal, narcissist like all the others.
Don’t forget we’ll always be of Christ together.
Why does Jesus get stuck with this shit? Look, I sincerely doubt she has some holy union with Jesus, and she certainly doesn’t have any holy union with you. She dumped you for someone else, in the most disrespectful and humiliating manner. What’s Jesus got to do with it?
Oh, I know. When disordered people need to speak with authority (because they have no moral authenticity of their own), they invoke God. Well, God forgave me. God told me it was okay. God planned this all along. God had a plan and I’m just going along with it. God told me you’re a loser who should try harder to forgive me. God thinks you’re wrong and I’m right.
God, God, God. Next thing you know, you’re a fundamentalist asswipe gunning down Parisian cartoonists.
She’s a fraud, Bea. Godly people don’t cheat on you and then send you soppy, self-serving mindfuckery after the fact.
I’m sorry. It’s hard to realize you loved a fraud. Join the club.
My advice to you is continue no contact, block her from emailing you or calling you, save your love up for someone deserving of you — and go spend that money you were going to buy her a tattoo with, and get one for YOURSELF. Maybe one of Jesus with the inscription “Jesus loves me.” Because that wing nut ex-girlfriend of yours sure as hell does not.
Trust that she sucks, Bea.