My question is this: do you think you can achieve meh while still married to the cheater? I have been with my husband for 41 years. I now believe he has been cheating on me since the very beginning of our relationship. I have had three d-days during our relationship. The first was while I was pregnant with our first child. Right after she was born he left me for a much younger girl who had no children. I was blindsided and naïve and didn’t know why he left. When the OW contacted me we confronted him together. She didn’t know about me. I had still been seeing him the entire time we were divorced. He begged me to come back. I guess I won the pick me dance contest. We remarried and had another child. I then found out he had a girlfriend in another state and I contacted her. He begged me to stay and I did since we had two children together and co-mingled finances and it was just too exhausting to imagine going through another divorce. Also he was very convincing as these guys are and I was a chump.
Fast forward many years to the third D-day when I found an external drive with movies of him having sex with multiple women from Third World countries ( he is an international airline pilot). At that point I became psychotic. I went scorched earth. In addition to all the usual things that chumps do i.e. infidelity diet, Amazon infidelity searches, infidelity sleuthing, pick me dancing, I also unleashed the fury of hell on him. I put his fuck movies on YouTube with his name and company (until YouTube took them down), I contacted all the OW’s using Google translate since they didn’t speak English, I contacted all his co-workers and family and told them, I quit my job of 25 years due to extreme trauma (and so I could spend all my time tracking his international activities) and I destroyed his secret computer and cell phone. I also destroyed his car and tried to shoot him. And I spent his entire bonus on plastic surgery for me. To say I was crazy doesn’t begin to describe it. I even contacted the Dr. Phil Show with my story but they wanted both of us to go on the show and of course cheater wouldn’t.
During all my insanity he begged me not to leave him and professed his undying love for me. I was busy going to bars and chatting with any guy who hit on me (quite a feat since I’m nearly 60). I did file for divorce but he showed up in the middle of the night with tickets to Vegas and an Elvis wedding to renew our vows. I did it but I was still furious.
After about a year and a half of this very uncharacteristic behavior (I’m a chump so I’m usually uber responsible) on my part I just woke up one day and didn’t give a shit about what he did anymore. All the rage and sadness and insanity were gone. And I just don’t give a shit.
I got a new and better job and just went back to having my own life. We both travel extensively for work so I rarely see him. I’m actually surprisingly content with things the way they are right now. He makes a lot of money, we own a lot of property together in several states, and I just don’t want to deal with getting a divorce at this stage in my life. Starting over financially and dealing with splitting everything up (selling and moving and retirement) is just more than I can deal with.
I wish I had found your blog during my scorched earth phase because he is the epitome of all the cheaters we chumps are involved with. I just didn’t understand that people could be unredeemable but I see now that there is a huge tribe of them out there! And they’re difficult and even scary to get away from.
I would love your opinion and the opinion of Chump Nation. The only fear I have now is of my own capacity for insanity.
Thank you all! I read everything here every day. I love this blog and the site and I’m proud to be a chump.
Let me get this straight — divorce and dividing assets is more than you can deal with. But going insane, broadcasting your husband’s serial cheating, quitting your job, getting plastic surgery, picking up strange men in bars, calling Dr. Phil, and attempting to shoot your husband — THAT you can deal with?
I’m really not sure what the point of your letter is. To announce you’re one of us in chump solidarity? Look, I’m glad you love the site, but the perspective here is really clear — leave a cheater, gain a life.
I encourage people here to leave and start new lives. Not numb themselves into oblivion, stay with the cheater, and call it “meh.”
You can’t “deal with divorce” because why? You’re nearly 60? You “own a lot of property in several states”? Because you travel for work?
Chumps here leave cheaters every day under far more challenging circumstances. People older than you, younger than you, pregnant, pregnant with toddlers at home, men who lose half the time with their children and half their shit, people who caught STDs off their cheaters, women who gave up their lives to move around for their husband’s military careers, people who were jobless… THOSE PEOPLE LEFT.
If they can do it, you can too. So what’s stopping you? Fabulous Elvis weddings in Vegas?
Do you think because you gave leave of your senses for a year that you scared your husband straight? Oh, he’ll never do it again because you rained hell on him? You said he’s “unredeemable.” You know he’s a serial cheater. You’ve known this and you live with it. Why? Because he “picks” you?
It seems that you’ve come to a crossroads. Your husband is a serial cheater. That reality won’t change as you’ve discovered. So, either you can change — or you can numb yourself to that reality.
You chose numbness.
I just woke up one day and didn’t give a shit about what he did anymore. All the rage and sadness and insanity were gone. And I just don’t give a shit.
Oh, I think the insanity is still there. Did you go off the rails? Yes. But I’d say that was lucidity compared to the way you’re living now. At least the rage-filled you was fighting against something — betrayal, the injustice, the humiliation, the health risks of Mr. Pilot fucking the United Nations. The person who wrote me this letter, however, has just given up. She was bought for the price of an apology and a cheap Vegas wedding.
Hey, but it doesn’t matter because you don’t care. The separate married life with all its trappings and public coupledom and none of the difficulties of divorce — this works for you. These are your values. You are your choices.
Pilotswife, I champion self-respect here. I write for people who are breaking up with toxic people, not co-existing with them for the real estate. There are a few people who read on this site who attempt reconciliation and God bless them, I hope they have something to work with (and a post-nup). But you’ve got absolutely NOTHING to work with. The guy is telling you very clearly who he is — a man who has cheated on you from the start and shows no sign of stopping. You’re either okay with that, or you’re not.
You’ve told us you don’t care. And you want CN’s opinion? This is not a place that’s going to encourage you to stay. We’ll try and push you off that fence. Are you sure that’s what you want?
I would ask you to get real with yourself. About what your values are and how you wish to spend your remaining years. Can you imagine nursing a narcissist you don’t give one shit about? Can you imagine him doing anything for you when you’re old and sick? If you fear being alone, I think you’re already worse than alone. You live with someone you dare not care for, who you cannot risk intimacy or vulnerability with. Someone to whom you must perpetually guard your heart.
Forty-one years is a long time to have lived like this. Please get some individual therapy. Figure out why you’ve accepted this crap for all these years, and why you place such a high premium on being the “pilot’s wife” and so little value on yourself. You’re an independent woman with assets and a job. You can stand just fine on your own, if you want to.
The only fear I have now is of my own capacity for insanity.