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The Helpless Other Woman

blessherPity the Other Woman. Her furnace dies. Her car needs jump starting. Her self-esteem is in tatters. Her progress reports languish without benevolent copyediting. She can’t make the rent this month. No one sufficiently appreciates her potential.

She simply Cannot Manage without a fuckbuddy to rescue her from…


An uncaring husband.

Life’s banal chores.

Far from being the iconoclastic, trail-blazing sexual revolutionaries they imagine themselves to be, Other Women seem like some anachronistic feeble ideal of womanhood. Helpless little missies, dropping their handkerchiefs to get a man’s attention. Fragile creatures succumbing to vapors. Dimwits who can’t screw the lids off their mayonnaise jars.

Of all the Stupid Shit Cheaters say, one refrain comes up over and over again:

She needs me.

She’s in some sad, hopeless, crisis state and she just needs the attention of a cheater.

Of course, cheaters say this to make cheating seem like some noble mission of mercy, instead of a quick fuck at the Motel 8. And of course Other Women are no more helpless than a swarm of barracudas. But cheaters seem to suffer under the delusion that they Need Each Other in some super special way that transcends the needs of their ordinary families.

Why, he isn’t a calculating cheater, he was there changing her spark plugs and It Just Happened! She isn’t a manipulative con, she was just having a Really Bad Day and there he was to make it all better!

You must understand, they never intended to hurt you. Spark plugs need changing. Shit happens. You can’t be angry with them. Can’t you see they were Just Trying to HELP?

Meanwhile, chumps labor without assistance. They do their own car maintenance. They eat dinners alone. They raise kids without an invested partner.

Stupid Shit Cheaters Say #174: “You were so independent, I didn’t think you needed all of me.”

Your very capability will be used against you.

So set the benevolent missionaries free, I say. Let them manage together without your assistance, finances, and logistics on the home front.

Nine times out of 10, they circle back for cake.

“But I need you!”

Too bad. So sad.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I think any attractive, charismatic person married for a long time, might be attracted to some strange. It’s just human nature. Some succumb to temptation, some do not. It depends on how much opportunity is available and how often opportunity presents itself. No opportunity, no cheating.

      Then when caught, of course they say stupid shit. They want to save the marriage. I think most marriages survive an affair, unless the person is a serial cheater, or leaves for the affair partner.

      This is a weird website spewing bitterness and hate and vindictiveness. It’s just sex peeps. Get over it. It’s not like he/she murdered your children or parents.

      • To Arby the Troll—we are NOT your ‘peeps’…. piss off. We bitterness spewing hateful and vindictive sorts don’t tolerate trolls.

        • Another needy OW whore who thinks she’s special!
          While trolling they should be checking for his hotel receipts, Craig’s list ads, and phone recipes. Why do they think the credit card debt is so high? Lol.

        • Fuck Off Arby! It’s not just sex! It’s totally destroying people’s lives! Walk in my shoes you moron! It changes your entire being! Just sex my ass!

        • My cheating husband may not have murdered my children, but all 4 now need therapy and the youngest doesn’t think life is worth living and constantly talks about suicide, because the person he thought he could trust has hurt him the most and destroyed his family

          • wow Arby is spot on. The posters here sound so nasty and bitter. Where did all these mean sounding people come from.

            Studies don’t show harm from cheating or divorce on the kids. Worse is a terrible marriage in which people treat each other with anger and bitterness in front of the children.

            I was cheated on. No big deal. I figure my husband owes me a freeby. I may cash in if the desire strikes me. Yes. It’s just sex, in most cases.

            God you guys are so obnoxious to posters, I likely will not post here again. The site is one track minded.

            Marriage is a two way street. People cheat for just sex and sometimes because there is a rift in the marriage.

            The latter usually ends up with the spouse leaving the marriage. The former, well who cares, it’s just sex. This is the 21st century. Rise above the flesh and look at the marriage as a whole.

            Some marriages though should not be saved. But cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do.

              • Another whore with super powers? Ok, I’ll play. His other, other woman he’s been seeing has a name that starts with J. Is he busy today? Aren’t they cute when their this needy. Nope you were never special troll.

              • Linn you’ve been cheated on, like you stated and seem ok with it. My question is this, if it was just sex, and your ok with it, why do you visit this site? I think you and Arby might just be the helpless OW, who taught she is so special, that she would never get cheated on by the cheater. Welcome to the real world. Instead of focusing on us the bitter bunnies, just keep on smoking the hopium pipe.

              • Linn and Arby are simply troll assholes trying to get everyone worked up. It’s so blatantly obvious that it’s ridiculous. Piss off is right. They make others feel worse so they can feel better/superior! Sound familiar? The words drip with condescension and it’s nauseating. Narcs “married” to narcs. Hogwash blather they’re spewing about how it’s all no bigs. If it were no big deal, if it were really nothing to them, they’d never have found THIS website. Sheesh! What a couple of losers.

              • Nomorebs,

                That post I made above was not for the chumps on this site. That comment was made for Arby and Linn and their closed minded way of thinking. If you are a fellow chump please please don’t listen their closed minded opinions. At the end of the day they are just stupid!!!!! Most likely what they are saying about their lives is all a lie. Most likely they are no real situations and some troll making up stories to cause trouble on a great supportive blog like Chump Lady. These type of “people” come on here from time to time. Please don’t pay any attention to it. There are loads of these type of trolls on the internet. They are just losers in a big world. All they do all day and all night long is surf the internet to cause trouble.

                Chump Lady, this site, and the users of this blog understand the pain that these cheaters and the OW/OM cause in our lives. You and your pain is real. What happen to you and your life is important to us. We want you here to help you in your healing process. What the cheater in your life did is WRONG. Plain and simple just wrong. You have the right to express the pain that has happen to you! Arby and Linn are the ones that are WRONG!!!!

                YOU’RE opinion(s) are very important to us all. We are here for you. What happen to you is very painful and we understand that pain because we have been in your shoes.

                Don’t make what these idiots, i.e. Arby and Linn; change your mind what the cheater in your life did in your life. Your pain and your story is important. We are here for you Nomorebs! We want to help you heal!

                I wish you the best of luck!

            • Arby….Linn….are you mental? Wow. Just wow. Someone give me a dose of whatever they are on, because it’s good! I have no earthly idea how anyone could take the “It happens” attitude to something so devastating to a person, their soul, their family, finances, self esteem and…well, the list goes on and on.

              Pass me the meds!! Wow.

              • End up with a lifelong STD, be lied to and lied to, money going missing, finding out your partner actually has no values, finding out that arguments were orchestrated so they could get out of the house, finding where they are talking shit about you trying to line up their next chump… it’s not just sex. It’s out and out fraud that in any other legal ‘partnership’ would be prosecutable.

            • Studies don’t show harm from cheating or divorce on the kids.

              That is perhaps the dumbest, most ridiculous thing I’ve seen posted on this website. Congratulations for the dumbest post award. Yikes.

              • Yeah, Linn is talking out of her ASS. Judges in family courts are well aware of the studies done by Judith Wallerstein and the long term effects of divorce. Wow… Linn, not only are you a troll but you are unenlightened to boot.

            • “rise above the flesh”…Crikey, someone’s been watching Game of thrones re-runs. Time to get out of mom’s basement and get that Cheet-oh dust off your pants, son.

            • Wow! Cheaters DO say some stupid stuff!

              Funny how morons tell say you have a “one track mind’ or a closed mind when they want you to accept any foolishness that comes along in the name of “tolerance.” Tolerance means putting up with other peoples mistakes, not turning the other cheek to stupidity. False tolerance is a virus, and a counterfeit civility, and is largely why the world is going to hell.

      • Arby, you said, “Some succumb to temptation, some do not. It depends on how much opportunity is available and how often opportunity presents itself. No opportunity, no cheating.”

        I’m an attractive, charismatic woman who was married for 25 years. I had plenty of opportunities to cheat, but I chose not to. It’s not about opportunity, it’s about CHARACTER. People who cheat have a character deficiency. Since you’re defending cheaters, I assume you are one, too. You must also have a character problem.

        If you think this website is “weird” and we’re here “spewing bitterness and hate and vindictiveness” why are you here?

        People who have good character see this website as funny and empowering. Tracy is not encouraging people to be bitter, she’s encouraging them to get a better life. That’s why she has been able to create a community of people who support and encourage each other.

      • Arby’s,
        I’m a good looking women. Husband a good looking man. He travels for his job, & I am home alone. This worked out very well for both of us for almost 29 yrs. Lots of free time on my side, his as well.

        When together if we saw other men or women we thought were so pretty or handsome or intresting we always pointed out to each other.
        We aren’t stupid, yes men & women look.

        There was complete trust that had developed over a life time together, even thou now, all I am told is I trusting 100% in “us,” was so naive.
        But over a life time together, & during one’s best years, buying a home, having children, death of family … One can’t help to build trust, that is what a good marriage is . I knew no matter what, there was one person out there that had my back and I could always depend on, he the same.

        When I discover my hubby affair, it wasn’t just sex … Or “didn’t mean anything,” like they like to say, …but it sure meant a lot to me.

        I look back now of those almost 30 yrs and wonder now if my marriage was a sham… I have no idea. He says he’s never cheated b4, but guess what??? “I have no idea!!!”

        So put that in your pipe and smoke it, then tell me it is only sex…& to get over it.

      • Arby the Cheater-Apologist Troll writes: “It’s not like he/she murdered your children or parents.”

        So that’s your standard for tragedy, heartbreak, and trauma, then? Wow. By those terms, you’re pretty much okay with rape, torture, human trafficking, bank robbery, child molesting, human organ smuggling, selling heroin to kids, etc., etc.

        You, Mr. Arby, are either a sociopath or a moron or both. I vote for Option No. 3.

        I’d invite you to go where others share your ethics, morals, insight, and maturity, say, websites defending Bill Cosby’s sex life, the history of the confederate flag, or snuff porn (“Hey, bro, Get over it. It’s just a movie.”).

        Good luck with the emotional ocean-crossing of life. You are in a small boat, and it is leaking.

          • … well, Ashley Madison has probably got them clenching their buttocks, so in a desperate google-thon with ‘cheating’ as the search word … here they find themselves! HA! HA! HA! …. Not quite what you were looking for is it! You poor sausages!

            • Yes we can Danielle, too bad you don’t actually understand the definition, if you did you’d realize how ridiculous that comment sounds.

              • Wuf, I’m pretty sure all of these posts are from the same person, and they post every day now, don’t they? I think they’re just trolling, to rile everyone up. And it’s derailing the comments section, which is too bad, because we usually get some good discussions in here. Anyway, that’s all I think it is, trolling. Not people who actually have these opinions they’re spewing.

                I wonder if CL can institute registration in order to comment on the site? (Or maybe it’s required already…? I don’t know; I’m already registered!)

          • A handsome banner that shouldn’t be excluded from history museums but one that symbolizes slavery and violence to millions of American citizens and flew over armies that killed hundreds of thousands of American soldiers and nearly destroyed our country and in my lifetime was used as part of an effort to intimidate millions of people from voting but, hey, other than that, lots to defend I guess? And FYI I am a white southern male who owns guns, loves his truck, and has read plenty of Shelby Foote. Rant over.

            • It does not symbolize slavery….. it has been misused by some groups… and it flew over an army who was seeking independence from a growing federal govt who was wanting more and more tax money from the southern states. It was state vs federalism….. the origination of our country was freedom states rights and a small centralized govt…. with limited powers… the states formed the federal govt….. oh btw…. Lincoln invaded the south and started the conflict…. place blame on the deaths of american soldiers where it belongs. And look at the overall outcome… 18 trillion in debt….. every aspect of our lives are controlled by a massive federal govt….

              • TJ: Lincoln was a saint but I appreciate your position. The sad fact is that flag was hijacked long ago by stupid racist thugs (e.g., the a-holes who decided to start flying it over the SC capital in 1961 to protest the civil rights movement). Your grievance would be against those appropriators of historical symbols, not folks like me. The swastika originated in India centuries before the Nazis appropriated it, but anyone who waves a swastika today will be seen (with good reason) as an anti-Semitic and racist bully who sympathizes with Nazi Germany and the Holocaust.

                I only wish my cheating ex-wife had been as forthright as the CSA in declaring her intentions when she decided to surreptitiously secede from our “union.” I thought I was part of a united marital “state” while she was busy burning my fields, counterfeiting my currency, and blowing England in her car at lunch.

              • Sorry, DavidB–every major historian agrees that the Civil War was largely due to pro- vs. anti-slavery; “state’s rights” is a convenient fiction, even if that formed part of the justification.

              • Well I shall let this one alone! Lincoln a saint? Todays education leaves out a lot of truths and injects erroneous info. My kids had no idea that Lincoln wanted to send all the slaves back to Africa because he did not want them here. As with all wars, it was financial and power…. slavery was a side show.

        • But I do agree with the concept its only sex….. and would have been ok if my spouse had called and said….. our marriage sucks and I am going to screw a 26 year old tonight….. going to drink heavy let him do what he wants and not use protection! Then it would have only been sex and honest. Instead she got drunk, screwed him without protection….. then did it again and again on and off for 3 years….. during that time exposing herself to pregnancy and me to STDs! Now that makes it more than sex… its a huge lie with no concern for the person you have been married to for 20 plus years! While she was out having fun, I turned down and ran from opportunity…. why? Because i was married!!!! Morals and character!!! Plain and simple….

          • Well what kind of person did you marry that was too dumb to use protection?

            I mean seriously.

            I would divorce a cheater that did not use protection, too.

            But not all people who have sex are quite so stupid. Maybe there is a concentration of people married to stupid spouses.

            • But.. it was just oral or an accident or the condom broke! When I crawled into bad with my lying scum I had no idea that I was having sex also with the prostitute he had just left. That is obtaining sex through fraud and battery since I developed herpes, which condoms do not protect against. Also, people who lie consistently in what should be their closest relationship, are lying everywhere else too, because honesty just doesn’t matter to them. I don’t think most of us here are where we are because a partner got drunk one night and had bad judgement and came clean. We are here because they were such deceitful human beings that it fucked up our whole reality.

              Society runs on the basis that most people are primarily honest. We swear you in at court and assume the majority will tell the truth. We make contracts. Purchase items. All on the basic assumption that there is overall honesty and that if not there are legal repercussions for that fraud. We don’t check id’s when people introduce themselves.

              • They use lying as a problem-solving tool. It permeates every area of their lives. Many have to keep moving – to new friends, new places, new jobs – so they can start fresh with people who don’t know them.

              • I soooo agree Janus! They have to keep moving because they aren’t trustworthy and nobody wants to be friends with someone they can’t trust. And look where the AM users end up … Here, stirring up more drama and trying to cause more hurt.

            • Yawn. These trolls are all alike. Personally, I think they are all the same person, or at most, two separate people.

              • Yes, the trolls are all alike. They are all cheaters or OW/OM. What kind of person thinks LYING (which is what cheating is) is just wonderful? Substitute any other kind of betrayal of someone who trusted you, and it just doesn’t make sense. Embezzling from your employer? Hey, “it’s just money.”

            • Danielle

              Yes my therapist actually agrees that the X is just stupid. And that is why he couldn’t find anything better than the skanky bar whore who resembles a Pekingese dog and has an arrest record. He stated, “he can’t find anyone attractive or intelligent”. I’m doing much better since I divorced him. I would suggest STD testing to the whore but she had no clue he’s cheating on her with the other skank he meets. I certainly have a no contact policy. She’s dumber than he is. Funny.

            • Now Danielle honey… have you been on the receiving end of this?? Have you been so emotionally abused, gaslighted and told it was all your fault. You try to work harder for your marriage, for your kids and all he does is screw the next available in line… yep. Were you in that bedroom, car, office, while they were having sex? Of course I used protection (when you finally find out about the affair) and then he runs off with the final ow. You subsequently find out that there have been multiple OW all of whom of course he used protection with… yeah they wouldn’t lie about that now would they!!! Grow the fuck up.

        • Nomar: This comment of yours and I quote, “You, Mr. Arby, are either a sociopath or a moron or both. I vote for Option No. 3.” Is not an intellectual statement filled with emotional intellect. Do you always diagnose people online based on one post?

          Well, then pat yourself on the back. 😉

          Snarky people don’t communicate well, nor do they have many friends.

          • Danielle: Your condescension toward people in pain is shameful.

            I will now shift from psychology to veterinary medicine and diagnose you as a loud braying ass with a severe case of CEM (Contagious Equine Metritis–google it). Though I’m hoping that’s soon eclipsed by lockjaw.


            • Nomar
              I thought she was projecting with the lack of friends comment. Sociopaths don’t usually have friends now do they.
              So that’s what a braying ass sounds like? Lol

              • You don’t have to be a doctor to recognize when someone is sick. Your sickness is showing.

            • Bahahahahaha! Chumps rule! Reading the responses to these trolls and their comments, which are clearly being shoveled from a very large vat of cheater shit, is hilarious and uplifting! Keep it up CN!

          • “not an intellectual statement filled with emotional intellect.”

            I’m guessing this was written by an individual with a lukewarm IQ, and the emotional intelligence of a lawn dart.

          • Actually Danielle, Nomar’s communication of the obvious is excellent, especially when he infuses such observations about morally bankrupt individuals in snark.

            I’d be his friend in a heartbeat; sarcasm always has an element of truth, after all.

          • I am a psychologist, and I concur with Nomar in his diagnosis that Arby is both a sociopath and a moron.

      • Arby,

        “Get over it. It’s not like he/she murdered your children or parents.”

        My cheater never used condoms. He just had sex, no biggie!, with X girl friends, co workers, sex workers and his swinging married AP. He did this all the while I was pregnant or nursing infants AND having unprotected sex with me as well.

        So, yeah. He exposed and gave me an incurable STD. And he could have passed a death sentence onto me and my infants. I get an STD check every year now. I was truly out of my head for 48hrs after the initial one when I learned of his just only sex capades. That was 48hrs of panic not knowing what I may have and if something really awful tested postive, like HIV, how was I going to arrange tests for my potentially infected kids??

        Dude, even if the random hole or dick “looks clean”, it doesn’t mean they are. They already showed you they are capable of lying simply by cheating. Wear a fucking condom and use a dental dam.

      • Oh my. Wow….I heard the same exact thing from the Troll Hobbit (OW) around my final D-Day. Is that you, Nikki: The female Rocky Dennis? If so, I bet you chose the name Arby because of those roast beef looking meat curtains you pass off for a vagina.

        Yawn. Bored of excuses for cheating. I think all of us chumps are. Go do something constructive like tying a plastic bag around your head.

        • “roast beef looking meat curtains you pass off for a vagina”

          FreedomFrom Crazy, I just passed my lunch through my nose! hahahahaha

        • FreedomFromCrazy says

          July 21, 2015 at 11:58 am

          Oh my. Wow….I heard the same exact thing from the Troll Hobbit (OW) around my final D-Day. Is that you, Nikki: The female Rocky Dennis? If so, I bet you chose the name Arby because of those roast beef looking meat curtains you pass off for a vagina.

          Yawn. Bored of excuses for cheating. I think all of us chumps are. Go do something constructive like tying a plastic bag around your head.

          Hey freedom from crazy. Wow, just wow. That sounds…..well kind of nutty.

          • Arby, Linn, Danielle….you are all trolling on the wrong site. CL is where men & women cheated on come for venting, support, and sharing our painful stories with one another in an attempt to heal. Glad to see your lives are so “fulfilling” that you have get your jollies by spouting pro-cheater propaganda to get a rise from those whose lives were turned upside down because of infidelity. Kudos to you all.
            Danielle…nutty? Yeah, I might be…everyone needs a good laugh. But no nuttier than visiting a site simply to antagonize chumps by requoting their comments with inane questions/commentary & nothing valuable to add.

          • Danielle yet another asshole opinion! Really is it because Ashley Madison site that you, Arby and Linn on here today because you are worried you are about to be found out. I’m not bothered about you. But you have messed with the wrong people on here. But if you want a debate I would

            FIRST….gain some education about what we are talking about.

            SECOND learn about empathy because your comments are big RED FLAGS of a sociopath aka Cluster B Personality Disorder

            THIRD get a life and stop with your 1 cent comments because it is making you look like an uneducated fool.

            FOURTH go back to your parents and tell them you are still a child because that is how you are acting like a 2 year spoiled child and they didn’t raise you correctly and they should have used some type of protection to prevent births like you 3!!!!!

          • Danielle wow just wow. All freedom from crazy wants is “freedom from crazy”. What do you want Danielle?

            Do you know anything about betrayal? What end of betrayal makes you crazy? Is it the excitement of sleeping with a married man at his home while his wife’s working? Or do you prefer the back seat of your car? Poking at people who are in pain is the work of trolls. Do you know what I think is more fun than than divorcing the serial cheating narcissust? It’s knowing he’s with an entitled classless pig who shares his lack of empathy or true intamacy. Does that describe you better than the beefy vagina? The plastic bag bothered you too? Now your proving to chumps just how special you are and you can’t find humor in your own vagina. That’s sad. Just wow.

          • We know cause if these idiots just wanted to be helpful “friends” then they wouldn’t be fucking you, dumb ass! I don’t know about you, but I DO NOT FUCK MY FRIENDS FROM FACEBOOK! Which goes without saying that if you “hook up” on Facebook then it is highly unlikely that you have some deep, loving and understanding relationship! You are just hooking up and fucking someone willing and convenient! So JUST SEX. YOU BET, MORON! For thoughtful mature people it’s pretty clear!

          • We know that because we lived it, as did our children, many of whom had their college funds stolen…or worse. You obviously have never lived through the hell that I did, and since you are completely lacking an ounce of compassion, there is no way your tiny brain can comprehend the destruction caused by cheating.

            I also wonder why you are here. Did you get bored pulling the wings off butterflies or were you tired setting your cat on fire? Doesn’t matter much to me because I value your opinion about as much as I admire Donald Trump for his valor.

          • We know that because our lives exploded! “Just sex” would have ended in orgasm – not destruction of the lives that married spouses vow to love, HONOR, and cherish.

        • +1, Chumpish. Human beings are living, breathing creatures who were meant to feel things. Trying to fully separate intense physical connection and intense feelings, like you’re above it all? Like you’re some kind of all-powerful robot who actually has control over these things. You’re kidding yourself.

          And I see a common thread through the troll comments: “It’s just sex.” “Get over it.” etc. In their world, simply *caring* is an offense worthy of punishment and derision. Okay, so it’s not super hip and cool to care. To actually give a crap about yourself, other people, and about your marriage. But I won’t abandon all feeling and any semblance of humanity just to appear cool. I’m going to keep caring. Otherwise, the robots win.

          • Takes more guts to walk away from an opportunity…then it does to succumb. It speaks volumes about a persons character when they walk away from a…”I cudda had that piece of ass!”

            Walk away…and say, “Yeah, not going to lower my standards for what? 45 mins of “ohhhh yes!”.

      • Guys, it’s a proxy server troll. I usually delete them, but getting back late today.

        On the murder question — did Tessie weigh in on this one? Hey, Arby, Tessie had a cheater murder her kid.

        Thanks for your caring sensitivity.

        • Thanks CL. Yes, Tessie had her child murder by her ex cheater. It was on the last post or the one before it. Very sad. There are no words on how my heart and soul has been hit by that her comments. I’m not sure if there is something more we can do for Tessie. Maybe she can reach out to you CL for more details or you can reach out to her. I know for one thing my events in my life is nothing to the sadness of having my child murdered by the ex. I’m just wondering if we can do more for her to let her know Chump Nation cares for her.

          • Thank you Beth. It warms my heart that there are wonderful, loving folks like yourself on CL, who really care that a smart, funny, sweet adorable boy lost his life. It helps me to know he is remembered in love by people who never met him in real life. My greatest fear is that not only will he be forgotten, but because of that, another child will die to serve someone’s entitled sense of selfishness. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your compassion. It’s just what I needed today.

            • Tess – it won’t fix the grief that you feel, nor will it fix the whole in the world your beautiful boy has left behind, but I hope it might help you to know that because of your honesty and strength in posting here, he will be remembered, and better still, you have helped many of us identify and be warned about danger signals to our own children.

              My own troubled, beautiful boy is 13 now, and seriously off the rails (criminal vandalism, hanging with drug dealers). STBX beat him up and kicked him out a few months ago. Since then I have been super-wary about the possibility of further altercations – STBX is not known for his impulse control – and while I can’t warn my children about their Dad (he wears the classic super-nice-guy-sad-sausage mask), I can talk to them about trusting their gut instincts, listening to their feelings about situations that are weird, uncomfortable, or scary; and let them know they have a right to act on those feelings and analyse them later, Gavin de Becker style. I suspect that’s why my son has gone no contact, and my daughter is on highly limited contact, on her grounds, when she chooses – because they know they are allowed to listen to their own instincts.

              I think that without knowing your and your son’s story, I would have derided my instincts and told myself I was being over-dramatic. And silly if I considered STBX as a threat. I suspect many other chumps here would also. No-one could ever prove that your courage has prevented further tragedies from happening, but I believe that to be true.


              • Blackbird, I’m sending you hugs, prayers and good wishes on you and your children’s journey to freedom.

                In my case, cheater ex announced to me one day that when he felt depressed he felt like getting a gun and killing me, the kids and then himself. That was when I kicked into high gear to get my boys and I out of there. Unfortunately, during the divorce, the judge would not grant me supervised visitation. He didn’t believe that cheater ex was dangerous to the boys.

                I’m glad you are listening to your gut instincts. One thing I taught my kids was pay attention to the actions, not the words. That is where the truth lies. If your gut is screaming at you, good for you to listen to it. I really believe that these cluster “Bs” are capable of just about anything if the narcissistic injury is big enough.

                Yes, it does do my heart good to know that others are listening to their intuition and taking steps to stay safe. I’m glad to know that a blessing of some sort comes from my boy’s death. If our story can help to save lives the that is a comfort.

        • Thank you Tracy. Just got back from therapy, because it is just five days or so from the anniversary of the day my cheater ex husband murdered my 14 year old son in cold blood. He chose to commit that crime just to get back me for leaving his sorry, serial cheating, cowardly, misogynistic, abusive ass.

          I’m one hurting mom right now. I miss my boy with all my heart and soul.

          To the trolls, you have no clue of what you are talking about. Either you have never experienced the level of betrayal we here on Chump Lady have, or you do not have the emotional capacity to understand the sheer amount of pain we cope with on a daily basis. Furthermore you do not understand what it is to have someone do everything in their power to destroy you on every level, and this is the person who is supposed to love you and have your back always. You do not get it, perhaps you do not have the depth of character to get it, and I pity you.

          Either way, you do not have a leg to stand on, especially around here. Normally I like to take the high road when dealing with ignorance. Deliberately cruel ignorance….not so much. The good people on this site have suffered more than you will ever understand. You think it’s fun to come on here and throw stones? There is nothing you can say that is worse than what we have experienced. You are mere pikers in comparison to the cheaters in our lives.

          Go back to the mall, kids, and let the grownups talk.

          • Tessie ♥♥♥I hope you did some piss-on-the-murderer therapy. (course it might quench a hellfire flame).

            • I wish Little Lady. Unfortunately the cemetery is close to his brother’s place and it isn’t safe for me to go there. Cheater ex’s family are just as twisted as he was….a rat’s nest of cluster B’s. It’s not a good idea to “poke the bears” if I want to continue to breathe. They are great believers in denial and retribution. In their little world the person who is responsible for all this mess is me. They don’t know where I am, and I want to keep it that way. It’s a given that anyone can be tracked down if the tracker is motivated enough in this age of computers. I’m not done living and growing.

              “Watering” his grave, what a great revenge fantasy though.

          • Tessie, sending you much needed hugs and I truly wish I could do more for you. You and your lovely sweet little boy will always be in my prayers. I know this is just words but my heart and my soul just breaks for you. We are here you! There are no words to describe how sorry I am for your lost. Just know once again we are here for you and always will be!!!!! If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. Much love to you during this time and every single second of the days to come!

          • Jedi hugs Tessie, wish there was more I could say or do. Don’t know if it helps at all but your story is one of the reasons why I keep extending the PO, I’m trusting my gut that I’m not safe from Saddam.

            • I’m so glad you are opting to stay safe, Dat. You are an amazing woman and the world is so much richer for your presence. Hugs, Girlfriend.

          • Tessie, you are one of the bravest people I know. I am not sure what I would do if some bastard murdered my child, but I do know I could never be as strong and supportive of others as you are. There are days when I just want to run away from everything, but then I think of you and I know if you can survive what you have been through, so can I! I bet you would be really surprised at the number of people you inspire each and every day. Thank you so much for helping all of us make it to the other side.

            • Nicely said Violet. Tessie I am so sorry about upcoming anniversary. I know you know this and I’m not trying to be presumptuous but please do not for one second take on any blame by your cheater’s family. Our brains really do lean toward a need to explain unexplainable things which shows up by taking on self-blame as a way to make sense of the horrific, the unexplainable. This is a terrible outcome of trauma, i.e., self-blame: I shouldn’t have worn that short skirt, if only I’d done something different, maybe I did yell too much, etc., and the list goes on and on. Self-blame happens as a way to explain things but please know it’s not always the truth and can be very unhelpful and inaccurate. You did nothing wrong ever ever ever!

              You are a beacon to me: a thriving, intelligent, inspirational beautiful person. I respect and treasure your son’s memory as I know all of CN does.

          • Tessie: I am so sorry for your pain that can never be erased, and that sociopathic jackass trolls feel compelled to heighten other people’s pain rather than try to be constructive members of society.

            Hugs to you.

            • Tessie,
              I can’t even fathom your pain. The fact that you’re still standing, pushing through, and sharing your story is amazing. You’re mighty, girl. A warrior queen. Something we should all strive to be. Even though I don’t know you, you & your dear son will be in my heart.

          • Sending you strength and support to make it over the next few days, Tessie.

            I hope that bastard is being daily punished in jail by other inmates who have no tolerance for child abusers/murderers.

            • Nope, he offed himself a week later in another state, coward that he was. He knew what was waiting for him if he wound up in jail. They hate child killers and make their life hell on earth in prison. Biggest favor he ever did for me. ( probably not the most compassionate stance for me, but I am so angry at him right now.)

              • Tess, you are most welcome. The more I’m reading about your situation and the family of your ex reminds me how bad shit crazy my ex’s family and his “friends” are. From what I have read about these Personality Disorders they will have a long history that their family members have Personality Disorders and also they have friends with Personality Disorders. Basically Personality Disorders attract more of the same type of Personality Disorders. Also I’m really getting to think that these OW/OM are the same. Also now I’m seeing that also in my situation.

                I don’t want to go in much detail to protect myself but there were some situations when I was with the ex he placed my life in danger. I always thought these situations were accidents but now well the past few years I think he was trying to bump me off. I don’t have proof but when these things happen I always had a odd feeling about these events. Since reading what happen in your life I’m pretty sure that is what he was doing.

                Just know we are here for you! Much love to you. Hopefully one day you get to visit your son’s burial site. I can fully understand that it is not safe for you to visit there. It’s a good thing right now for you to protect yourself from him and his bad shit crazy family and friends. Please know we are here for you and support you and most important we believe in what you are writing about!

              • Tessie, my heart aches for you. May you find peace and happiness.
                Why don’t the trolls just go away?

          • Tessie, you are brave. The fact that you are here sharing yourself, your story, your thoughts, your feelings, so we can all help each other heal on this journey….you are amazing.

            • Thanks, everyone

              .Actually,Beth my son’s ashes are with me. “Watering ‘ cheater ex’s grave is sort of a joke. I said that when I was feeling vengeful that I felt like going and pissing on cheater ex’s grave. That was the pissing therapy that LittleLady was alluding to.

              Sometimes my twisted sense of humor comes out here..

              • No worries at all Tessie. I get it now. I have a twisted sense of humor myself. Laughter is the best medicine.

      • They are just trolls who picked up the other woman tag. Not worth a moment of your time. I am so sorry Tessie that you had to suffer this on today of all days. Just remember for every ignorant, nasty cows there are a thousand amazing woman and a few men supporting you. This site is a lifesaver, my narc had begun to make overtures to me after three years of hell and him living with OW, and because of what I have learnt here, it is a total non starter, disqualified before it even got going. Thanks fellow chumps for the strength,

      • Arby, Linn and Danielle, all morons where children’s paddling pools have more depth than them.
        The first two are bastardisations of real names and all three talk like a 3yr old with an IQ of room temperature.
        Two words for you: FUCK OFF.

        PS: CL – theres ways to find out who’s behind these proxies. I bet its all the same fuckwit. And I bet they wouldn’t be so self-righteous if their real identity were posted online, much like the recent AM hilarity.

      • Arby Linn and Danielle, infidelity might just be sex for you, but I found that it came from a horrible place of selfishness that was always there. That it was part of a pattern where I did not exist as a human being. That on a selfish spectrum of 1 – 10 it was the same spectrum. STFU and clean my house/look after my kids. Don’t ask me to look at you, talk to you, listen to you, think about you. And if you step out of line, ask me to pay you some attention, I will bang the co-worker because you saying your needs count just pisses me off.

        If that is love, I would rather be alone.

        Why is that problematic for you?

    • Yes,brilliant!!! My hubby told me, “Her hubby cheated on her, he was a ‘shoulder to cry on.’…and he & she were only friends…”

      I even warned him to stay away…

      Brought down 30 yr marriage.

      I just can’t put myself in her place ever…((sexually))

      • Stupid hopeum smoking me told him to be careful she is flirting with you… His response:” she has been having problems with her husband and is just taking to me about it….I told him that’s not your job, she has siblings, parents, counceling!!i found out a few months later that the affair was going on for 6 months before I asked him!!!
        Also I am a fun , attractive women and I have a lot of male coustomers. I do get flirted on but I always , always talked about my kids and husband and that put them in their place…
        It’s not about opportunity it is Character loving and respecting your spouse and not wanting to betray or hurt them!!!

    • Spot on CL!!!

      My XPOS poor excuse was, and I quote his exact words……
      “Okay…I am working out a situation where someone almost overdosed on 90 Xanax…I don’t want that on my conscience. You understand I have been through one death already relating to a longterm abuse of drugs.”
      (Death of son and poor sausage combo causes one to cheat….at least it worked as an excuse for him).
      And later in same convo he said…..
      “Okay…They stated that since I was gone, they may as well be gone…”
      (that was when he was doing his usual lying that he broke it off with her, which you notice that he replaces the word ‘her’ for ‘someone and they’!
      Lastly, same convo he stated….
      “WOW… Please listen. They threatened suicide…Now you get it…I don’t want that on my conscience… I am serious and it is not a very good subject based on what I have been through…”
      (Once again, blaming his infidelity on the death of his son…….he stated time and time again these words to me…..’you have a son die and tell me how you’d feel’!).

      I wouldn’t waste my last breath on ‘Arby’……..go get a roast beef!

      • This post really resonates with me. STBX used his brother’s suicide to justify his first infidelity. Now this recent OW threatened suicide, so of course he can’t have that on his conscience. But abandoning his wife and 4 boys-no biggie. First dday 2005. Now here we are 10 years later, and this new schmoopie is a decade younger. They don’t change. I only wish I found Chumplady sooner. I read faithfully everyday. Someday I may tell my story. Thank you Chumplady for giving a voice to the pain and a safe place to feel support. Stay strong Chump Nation. May “meh” reach us all one Tuesday!

        • You are not alone Miss Leah, I forgave cheating 7 years in and caught him again 10 years later. Wish I’d dumped him the first time. There are forums if you want to share and chat a little less publicly, the link is at the top of CLs page.

          • Thank you Datdamwuf for the warm welcome. I know it’s a club no one wants to be a member of, but I will forever be grateful to Tracy and all of you here in Chump nation. I feel safe here.

        • MissLeah, this was my story as well. Happily in love with now x for the first 8 years, he had a 1.5yr secret affair w his coworker. I left and got my life together. He came back 2 years later and idiot me took him back. Fast forward 9 years and he sleeps with one of our mutual friends while I’m working in another state (USA). I ended our relationship the day I found out and will not be going back with him. I wish you much luck and peace. Rebuild yourself from the inside out. Seems bleak now but keep trying every day. My heart goes out to you.

          • Hello, UnderConstruction. Thank you for your kind words. This recent OW was a waitress at the restaurant where he was a chef. He’s 37, I will be 36, and she’s 26. I am a SAHM of four boys, ages 13,8,7,and 3. This marriage reaches the 10year mark this November, and of course who has to do the filing? His schmoopie comes from money, so he thinks the grass is greener. I am trying to be scrappy to save money for the retainer. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. You are in my thoughts as well, and everyone here is an inspiration.

  • My wife said that her AP was very lonely, given his girlfriend and son were in the mountain time zone and he was out on the Pacific Coast all by his lonesome.

    When I asked my wife why it was her responsibility to ease his loneliness, she just gave me a blank stare.

    • The worst thing about the cheater’s Blank Stare (or “BS”) is that they give it to you like it MEANS something. Like it’s pithy and profound and you’re just too dimwitted to understand.

      I swing back and forth from thinking that the main problem with cheaters is that they don’t know how to effectively communicate and thinking that they are master communicators who use language (verbal and nonverbal) to get everything they want.

      • Nomar wow that is an interesting perspective. It Makes sense that a master manipulator would malinger poor communication skills to control his (her) victims. Thank you for sharing this

      • Wow, you named the issue that robbed me of a few million brain cycles over the last three years. Was it pure obfuscating evil genius or clueless obliviousness that powered my cheating ex-wife’s weird non-communication style? Blank stares, passive voiced partial truths…grrrr.

        I think what we all have learned is that narcissistic behavior is hard wired, and most of these cheaters are spinning half truths and lies faster than we can keep up with. It is a reptilian brain level of wittingly trying to warp reality to their odd self serving universe where they can shift blame and be the center of attention. For them it is their survival mechanism.

      • “they don’t know how to effectively communicate”

        My ex fell into this category with me at least. He would ignore or avoid any topic that required introspection and feelings to be shared particularly if he thought there might be a difference of opinion. When I would ask him something, he would do most anything to upset me so he could walk away or blame me….mostly he would fart loudly or worse, silently, so the smell would be gross. As stupid as that sounds, it’s the truth because he knew that would throw the conversation off and he could get away. Asshole – I hope whoever he ends up with likes that behavior.

        • ByeByeCheater, that is absolutely gross, but I can imagine anyone willing to disrespect you by cheating would do something like that. And I suppose since it worked with you then he probably does it to his new squeeze too! EWWWW!

        • He’s 6 years old, in his mind. I’ll fart, and she’ll run away! I wonder if most cheaters have arrested development? Mine did, for sure!

      • The blank stare I rec’d was only a few seconds long. If I looked hard enough I could see the slot machine spin of excuses/stories through the black hole in his eye. It always ended up with the neighbor ‘did it,’ or the neighbor’s brother, a cousin, and finally me.

        Like Chumpion, I burned millions of brain cells trying to unravel the skein, but of his blaming me. Clearly, I knew I didn’t do it (whatever it was). Evil brilliance, really, because he had me explaining the reasons why I didn’t set him up. It was only through CL and CN that I learned this is narc and/or sociopathic behavior. Thank the sweet baby Jesus. Sanity restored, with the addition of vitamins and herbs for new, smarter brain cells.

      • I don`t think the blank stare is deliberate. I think it`s the default expression for someone whose mind is racing but still not coming up with a good answer to the question.

      • @ nomar

        I am of the latter opinion…they are master manipulators who are consciously using verbal and non-verbal skills to engineer the outcome they want (escape from discomfort or inconvenience). I used to swing between the two opinions, too, but I have of late come to the conclusion that it isn’t stupidity or ineptitude. It really is a master-level manipulation.

        I will leave you with a direct quote from Cheater Pants Dickhead, said in marriage counseling, in response to the counselor’s question “How do you feel when LMM wants to talk about something that is wrong in the relationship? When you see her upset and you know it is because of something you did?”

        He responded: “I don’t think about it too much. It doesn’t bother me. I know she wants to talk about it, resolve whatever the issue is, and that’s fine. I mean, I just let her go at it. I don’t say anything, even if I kinda want to. Because if it is an issue with me, she can’t resolve it without me, know what I mean? So if I stay quiet, she’ll just tire herself out, and eventually she stops bringing it up altogether.”

        • Wow. Your ex is cold-blooded and cruel. Hope you did finally “tire yourself out” trying to fix him and divorce his manipulative ass.

          And I agree that the more likely explanation is that cheaters have communication superpowers. But then again their judgment and their choice of words is sometimes astonishingly stupid and even undermines their precious house-of-cards existence. So I’d say if they have special powers they’re of the idiot savant variety, and they aren’t entirely in control of them at all times. Cheaters as a cross between Hannibal Lector and Rain Man.

    • I also got the blank stare each time I asked my ex a hard question she did not want to answer.

      The blank stare is calculated, because we eventually go away without an answer, because they know that we cannot compel them to answer.

      Think about that – outside of force, how does one compel anyone to do anything? Or, when I really pressed my ex on some lie I caught her in and the blank stare was not enough, I got: “I was just joking!”

      • I absolutely believe that. I think the blank stare, or “shark eyes” as I like to call it, is their withdrawal back into the shallows of their brain, a check-out, while you yammer about something boring to them, like how they’re being abusive to you or the kids, or you want to know what they spent the money on–unnecessary blah blah blah like that.

        • The XBF would withdraw into a blank straight ahead stare with absolutely NO acknowledgement that I was talking to him….admittedly at times I would be RAILING at him. Was most bizarre and infuriating and would only serve to make me more angry and to attempt even more stridently to get a reaction/answers to my questions. At other times, if he were not ‘held captive’ (as in the car), he would merely say “I don’t want to argue” and turn on his heel and walk away.

          He’d pull himself into his turtle shell of entitlement.

          • I had one like that, too. Would stare straight ahead to punish me, or close his eyes when talking to me, and I tried to make him look me in the eye. Total poison. I hated it when he did that to me! It’s a huge pet peeve, now.

        • I thought of the dead shark stare as a ‘STFU and get back in line, I don’t have to answer to you’
          What did CL call it? A background drone that occasionally rose into a whine and was really, fucking irritating.

          That I think is the thought process behind the shark stare. That the component (replaceable) has just had the cheek to become animated.

      • Agreed, Tony. My wife’s blank stare was her biding her time, waiting until I realized that I wasn’t going to get an answer from her and I moved on to something else.

        It was a “good” move in the sense that it allowed her to get away with cheating for another few weeks each time she used it.

        It was a “bad” move in the sense that each time she used it, I traveled farther down the road of understanding that my wife had no intention of openly communicating with me.

        • The thing is, JC, I got this each time we had other difficulties in our relationship. It was a wall that I could not overcome, even though I tried because I thought she was a reasonable, good person.

          The only way to overcome this would be to say: “I am not going anywhere until you give me an answer to my question.”

          Heatthecurb said that if they were not trapped like in a car she would get some kind of answer.

          Agreed; my ex would give me the “I was joking!” when she was in the car and had nowhere to go.

          In the future, if someone persists in this – leave the relationship.

        • Yep, blank stare, shark eyes, or mine would act all indignant.. “you know what… ” like I was the worst person in the world to ask normal questions. I knew when he was lying.

          • I never got blank stares. Instead, he sucked up all the oxygen in the room for hours on end, with his blameshifting mindfuckery. If I had a nickel for every time I apologized for something that he accused me of (usually, being “stupid” or “selfish” or “forgetful”) I’d be a megamillionaire by now. Every time it happened, I knew it was wrong but I submitted anyway. Out of love (don’t expect the trolls to understand that concept). I have, now, two years from DDay of discovering that not only was he an abuser (which I always knew), but that he was a cheater too, forgiven MYSELF.

            • TheMuse, me too. I’m ashamed to admit how many times I ate shit just to keep the peace, knowing the silent treatment would ensue if I didn’t. He could go for months. It was excruciating to live like that. I couldn’t have made my needs any smaller, but he still found ways to diminish me.

              And now, he’s all hers! Yay for me!

      • My response to the blank stare?

        “Uh oh – did your brain just backfire? ::lol:: You need a minute?”

        100% effective into riling him back up and start blabbering again.

    • OWwhore was being “beaten” by her x-boyfriend/common law husband/father of her illegitimate son. And my X has “Daddy” issues. The perfect storm. Oh and did I mention that I didn’t “put out>”

      • OWwhore’s boyfriend of 5 years “neglected and abandoned” because he played video games too much (he was 22 just like her) and moved across the state because he got a job in law enforcement after graduating from the academy! She also used to “cut” herself and he was afraid for her well being and would have to call her weekly after counseling to “check on her”…. hmmm wonder if the back seat make out sessions after work really helped her work out her issues?!?!

    • Luckily I don’t have to wait that long. 6 am strong dark roast with my daily shot of CL is a dandy way to start the day! 🙂

    • It’s been decades since the first divorce and just over a decade since the last… I find this site keeps me strong. I think it was Santayana who once said that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. I really don’t care what happens with X#1 & X#2 anymore… I guess I’m as Meh as I’m gonna ever be on this fine Tuesday. CL helps me by providing information and clarity. And I know I’m contributing to the knowledge base too. If that helps even one person, it’s worth it. I like to think we’re a little movement, helping Tracy help all the other chumps and chumps-to-be. Up until now, I don’t think we chumps ever formed a group and decided to fight back. I could have done without the two imploded marriages, but I’m glad for the opportunity to be there for others who are going through this particular brand of hell. They don’t have to face it alone anymore.

      • This is so true. I no longer need to read CL every day but when the low moments come, fewer than there were and further apart, reading CL is like a booster shot of clarity and wisdom and support. The consistency of experience and wisdom shared around the globe is priceless.

        • THIS! Yes. When I have my moments of weakness and want to sleuth out the actual truth about what happened (never know with a pathological liar) or lash out (giving kibbles), I read CL posts. It’s keeps me moving forward with my eyes on the prize. Trust that they suck:) We’re better without them.

  • My exh actually told me I was perfect which made him cheat. Well, he also told me I was mean and scary, too. Which also made him cheat. But yeah, his OW were good people. He told me so. They were pretty needy, though. One got too needy so he got sick of her. The other one needed psychiatric intervention (imo) more than she needed his #@%k in her mouth, but you take what’s available. Whatever.

    • My ex told me I wasn’t spiritual enough so that was one of the many reasons he gave for his serial cheating. So to be clear, I supposedly wouldn’t pray with him so he had to go do escorts? To be fair, he did convert his final affair partner to our faith and personally baptize her before he married her 5 months post divorce. She “needed” his spiritual guidance I suppose.

        • I guess his bible is missing the scripture in Hebrews 13:4 which states: “let marriage be honorable among all, and let the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge sexually immoral people and adulterers. ”
          My STBX also felt sorry for his whore, because she did the samething with another married man, and he was trying to help her get out of it. He helped her get a job as his assistant where he worked, a job I helped him to get. Then he was trying to make her become an independent young women, because he could see all the potential in her. The karmabus already hit them, they both lost their job, she stole some money and he because of unethical reasons.

          • Guess they also forgot about Commandment Nos. 7 (prohibiting adultery), 9 (prohibiting lying), and 10 (prohibiting coveting your neighbor’s wife). But how can we expect cheaters to remember these things? They’re only written in books placed by the Gideons beside *virtually every seedy hotel bed used by cheaters everywhere*.

            With all those missing pages, the Cheater Bible must really be more of a pamphlet than a book. . . .

              • and that’s after they’ve satisfied themselves at the “all you can eat” hotel bed buffet.

            • Mine wasn’t troubled by commandments, being a skeptic, and had to save his supposed “brainwashed by the church” brought up, “praise jesus” sign offing (but doubted her religion when he didn’t go for that stuff) helpless mother of four with sketchy story of mistreating husband. There are social service agencies for that if you need help which I don’t think she did. It was the story to make it seem right. Her husband didn’t make enough money and her “poor” children had to share a room. Her husband sure was mistreated with her cheating though and I heard he was a nice guy. I had to re-buy my house and had daughter’s college fund slashed. She and her children are living just fine now apparently. She is pathetic though. It takes more than poaching another woman’s home and husband to come up in this world.

            • The most amazing response when I pointed out all the hotel receipts was, “how do you know I wasn’t just tired”. Mind you they were for different women in different locations around the state. And these women think their special?

      • Ah yes, the Jesus Cheaters!! One of the reasons my Ex gave for leaving me for his “twu wuv” was that she was more spiritual and a better Christian. Yep, nothing screams good Christian woman like screwing a married man.

        • My STBX’s father was a cheater, too. The long-term mistress was the elephant in the living room, and no one ever talked about her. After STBX’s father died, I heard the tale of when STBX’s late mother found out about the OW and was shouting about how she was a whore, etc. STBX’s father said that she was a fine, church-going woman.

          The same family member (a cousin) who told this tale said that STBX’s father said he and OW knew that what they were doing was wrong but they couldn’t help themselves.

          Yep, nothing says “entitled” better than a sense that God threw the two of you together just so that you could commit adultery with God’s blessing.

          • Oh yes the Jesus cheaters! The stupid whores actually think God will send them someone else’s husband!!!

            • My ex actually said that God sent him OW in answer to his prayers, because she made him not gay anymore. There’s so much delusion wrapped up there, it’s hard to know where to start.

              • That must be a really magic vagina that can cure gayness….She could go into business and rent it out for those who want the cure.

              • Sorry to hear that, GladIt’sOver. I don’t know if you’ve been on the Straight Spouse Forum (which led me here, thankfully) but it seems to be a common experience that closet case cheaters move on to another “beard” and continue on in denial. For me the special brand of hopium I snorted after Dday was hoping he would finally come out and give me the satisfaction of knowing it most definitely was not anything about me that drove him to cheat. Nope. All indications are he’s moving on to his next clueless victim, and looking back, he may also have cheated on me with women too, despite the fact that he is not physically attracted to the opposite sex at all. He does love the adoration he gets from women, though, when he lays on the narcissistic charm!

        • Same here. My not being Christian was a problem, so he solved it by fucking as many Christian men and women as possible.

          • They think that OWhore would make a better pastor’s wife than me. Because he’s the pastor. Still. Still preaching on his robe every single Sunday.
            I don’t go to any church anymore.

            • I don’t either. OW was the most obnoxious Jesus cheater-“I’m not perfect, just forgiven.” She was also the poor little church mouse, who was constantly poor mouthing and borrowing money from X. Imagine his suprise when he saw the fianacial affidavit in her divorce, which showed she and her husband made over $225,000 a year!

        • OW got herself baptized by the Archbishop of Canterbury, then kept sleeping with a married man – on Christmas, no less

    • Supreme Chump- yes to that. Of course the AP is good people. They work sooooo hard and have health issues and stress and their poor beknighted husbands aren’t nice to them. Soooo meannnnnn……my shithead defended their relationship ad nauseum, and she had the gall to imply, in a note to me, that if Shnookums ever gets so down that he “might do something” (like what? Download more porn? Drink another bottle of bourbon? Take. Another. Particularly noxious shit?) he should always know that he could call her. In the enormous pile o’ paper trail that stokes my bitterness this gem resides. Of course, the operative is “gets so down”. In thirty years of allowing me to perform as a superlative domestic, sex partner and entrepreneur, Shnookums is/was awash in unhappiness. He should drown in it, and she should spontaneously combust, as she is soooooo warm-hearted.

      • Smart is hard, you might consider going on CL forums to talk it out. My ex extolled the virtues of his OW quite a lot and she was self righteous as hell, but they both suck and their opinions don’t matter. Jedi Hugs!

  • In a conversation about howorker (before DDay and the horror that goes with it), xh had told me howorker’s husband was a bum who never kept a job, never did anything around the house, and was always drunk. Thank goodness her knight in shining armor rode in to rescue her. Screw them both!!!

    • The howorker in my case was so fed up with having to be with males all the time, 4 boys and a husband. Hence screwing someone else’s husband. She’s as intelligent as a bag of hammers.

      • She’s just like my exh! We had four daughters and my exh couldn’t handle us,so he kept seeking out other women. It makes perfect sense!

    • Mine also did this, complained about MOWhore’s H. When he was continuing to defend their “friendship”.. I said, what you you think MOWhore’s H would say about you talking to his wife everyday and hanging out at her apartment? Blank Stare.

      • X was being “just a work friend” to bimbo as she struggled through her divorce. Now X, Bimbo and her daughter-rapist ex are all best of friends.

        Have at it!

  • After the trip at the airport where we offered free transfer service, my ex left me with my sister’s family because he could not stand the idea of poor Russian woman eating all alone for her first evening on the Riviera. As if there weren’t a lot of Russians in Cannes. As if restaurants were hard to find. At the same time, he was still holding to his narrative: “she happens to travel in our area, we’ll show her around when we want but we don’t have to”.

    • By the way, Russian woman could not drive a car. And she could not speak English, of course could not speak French either. She definitely needed help to visit the lavender fields in the mountains. She needed help to do just about anything. Leaving her to travel on her own had never been an option.
      Me: – I bet that when she bought her plane ticket, she thought you were single, right ? That’s not very nice of you to inform her at the last moment
      Him: – But, she is happy !

  • “She’s a good person and just needs a friend”. Guess he never understood that if you are in a “friendship” that is something you don’t have to hide. Friends don’t have secret lunches, friends don’t show up on “guys weekends”, friends don’t fuck you while you are in marriage counseling, friends don’t tell everyone that you are their soulmate, friends don’t encourage you to abandon your family, friends don’t tell you that “kids are resilient, friends don’t take on the role of wife while you still have one. That’s not a friend, that’s a manipulative bitch.

    • Wow, i could have written that. She was also willing to leave her 4 kids & husband and start life anew. My fucking life.

    • Amen to that. OW was the ‘Mama loves you type’. Shitty-associate Mama from Hell. I welcomed her to my family with open arms, just should’ve told her where the dogs sit.
      And yes, she is a soul… And yes in a few generations I will be able to say, “Who’s yo Mama now?”
      …. getting there.

      (Eat my hormones you moaning whore.)

  • Yeah my ex said her OM was a good person “going thru a tough time” in his life / marriage. And she was “going thru a tough time” too. They understood each other… He wasn’t a bad person. And she just made a mistake (18mth mistake). But it all unravelled when he found out his wife was cheating on him (again). In short order he got separated, dumped my ex (after telling her he’d just been using her) and then he suddenly became public enemy number one in her eyes (she tried all sorts of revenge on him). At that time I was apparently meant to feel sorry for her for being used and angry at him for what he did to her. What happened to her was just as bad as what happened to me… Consequently she is now the ex!

    • Oh yes, the nerves ! We are to witness their need to take revenge, and we are expected to feel sorry for our cheater and angry at the other person. They take our partnership for granted in ANY situation !!! And they are totally oblivious to the fact that we are hurt. We are perceived as an extension of themselves !!!
      My cheater: – the guy she dumped me for is ugly, that makes it even worse
      Me: – well, that’s good, now you know how I feel !
      * crickets *

    • WTF? You’re ex was too dumb to stick to how she made a mistake and instead expected you her betrayed spouse to pity her for being dumped by the guy she betrayed you with? That takes it to a new level right there.

  • Well, my loser doesn’t go after lowly victims. After marrying me, his “ideal dream woman” and realizing that wasn’t what he wanted, he prefers homely looking idiots with lots of money who have no problem sponsoring his existence.

    He knows he’s a bottom feeding underachiever, he knows no one could possibly need his help with anything…he’s incapable of completing any task and knows nothing of things in the handyman arena.

    Although the post today doesn’t hit home for me, I enjoyed it all the same!

    • Doesn’t hit home for me either. Married howorker was everything I wasn’t. He started taking her advice about everything. Her chiropractor, her drain cleaner, guinea pigs were better pets than rabbits…. (I had a rabbit). I heard her name and “words of wisdom” over and over. She actually went out and bought him said drain cleaner at the beginning and “selflessly” wouldn’t take the money for it. Alarm bells started to ring for me then. Especially when he had to go get her a Dairy Queen gift certificate to say thank you while I was being treated like shit. It sounds so ridiculous. F*****g drain cleaner. My advice never counted for s**t with him. I’m sure she crapped roses too. And in the end it was me who paid for the plumber after the perfect drain cleaner didn’t work. F’n stuff is so caustic it is actually illegal in this state.

      • Reminds me of the time Handout Boy bragged about “treating” his co-workers (back when he still had a job) to Shamrock shakes. It was the same day he brought one home for everyone in the house but me and said “I thought you’d be napping so I didn’t bring you one.” WTF?

        • Mine did shit like that. Last Valentines Day I got nothing.

          Dairy Queen must have been a fav of the slut. He started to leave for work early to stop there on the way. I just know now he was bringing her DQ treats to work.

  • From my stbxw when I told her that her ap had a reputation as the town philander (I had someone in the neighborhood tip me off to their affair, and have since discovered that he has had at least four other affairs in the neighborhood in five years): “He’s been through so much… his ex wife is crazy… here has their adopted kids the majority of the time… people say a lot of things about him that aren’t true!”

    Because, you know, someone who preys almost exclusively on (much) younger married women couldn’t possibly have been lying just to get in her pants, right? And reputations couldn’t possibly be based even partially on facts, right?

    No, he was IN NEED!!! No way he was also sleeping with one other married woman and one other single woman at the same time he was my stbxw’s affair partner, because that would mean he was lying to her, and he wouldn’t lie… except to carry on their affair… err… uhmmm… wait a second….


    • I always wonder how some people are so good at their con that they can get away with multiple partners – many of whom are in relationships – at once.

      Are they that good looking? Charming? Are there that many idiots in the world with that low of self-esteem that they fall for it?

      Of course the ultimate question is: Why the hell did I put up with someone who would fall so low so fast for so long?

      • Mine was dating two at once though they did not know about each other. He was not that good of a con at all and he is an average-looking middle aged heavy guy with receding hair although he does have an amazing ability to SPARKLE and make people feel good. Til he outright discards them if they are not useful. He was amazingly stupid and sloppy, but I believed every lie until he got so sloppy I couldn’t possibly spackle my way out — messaging one skank for a drinks and massage lunch date (in front of me!) while I was serving him breakfast, hiding sex stuff in our car that I cleaned.

      • Not only was my ex fucking two married women at the same time, he got them to have threesomes with him. He’s very good at what he does. The king of manipulation.

        • It probably wasn’t that difficult to get married whores to do threesome’s, Glad. They like to pride themselves on their cutting edge bravado…

  • This one was pretty stupid:

    Me: “Why don’t you just come home?” (stupid in itself)

    Ex-wife: “It’s not that easy. I could be pregnant by him.”

    • If she didn’t end up preggers, I’d guess this comment by her was actually demand that you pick up the tempo of your Pick Me dancing. As in, she wanted you to say (with great pathos, preferably with tears streaming down your face), “That doesn’t matter! I just want you here at home with me!” Extra credit was available if you accompanied this performance with an explanation of how you realize now that you drove her away. And possibly a gift of jewelry.

      • Hm. Lots of good responses to that claptrap, including:

        “Yeah, because you so obviously felt *bound* by our wedding vows.” Or,

        “Thanks for that important report about your feelings. Though I notice you don’t seem to give two sh*ts in a wicker basket about how your cheating made *me* feel.”

        “You think this feels free? Wait until my lawyer serves you with my petition for divorce. You’re going to feel so free your head will spin.”

        Though if you were like me hearing that kind of gibberish from someone I thought I knew and believed smart and good left me dumbstruck

        • “You think this feels free? Wait until my lawyer serves you with my petition for divorce. You’re going to feel so free your head will spin.”

          Best line evvvaaaar!

      • Michael that reminds me of one I got after he moved in with OW: “It’s a lot more REAL now.” I was real the entire 16 years… he was obviously not, so yeah, ok. How about NOW, though, 2 yrs later when they have broken up and he’s homeless. Yep, “real.”

          • My Mr Sparkles, the super charismatic, charming, ultra handsome loser who looked ten yrs younger than his age ended up in a homeless shelter …..

            The guy had boxes and boxes of $500 shoes, designer clothes like you wouldn’t believe, 3 custom made tuxedos….and not a pot to piss in.

          • donna, YES! I heard from a friend that cheater told her and her H that OW had dumped him! he has left the state and run back to his daddy. I pray and hope that it’s permanent!!! karma!!!

            • and it’s perfect! on DDay, he said to me, “It probably won’t even last with her and my WHOLE ECONOMY will crash! and I’ll end up homeless on the street! but this is an opportunity that if I don’t pursue it, I will never forgive myself for the rest of my life!” HAHAHAHA his prediction came true! I pray to God that it’s true. He is a parasite who lives off of women. OW must have wised up after just two years. It took me 16 and him cheating with her to kick him out. Karma’s a be-otch.

          • Mine also eventually ended up homeless. He now lives with his dad, around 2,000 miles away from me. He does odd jobs around his dad’s house for money. Prior to our separation, he had a very successful career in banking. How hard they fall!

            • Is the guest room he’s sleeping in papered with faded cowboy images? Sounds just like the one Handout Boy is in.

              • Forgot to mention last time Handout Boy left us (2012) he got on Food Stamps and Medicaid. He lied about being married and having assets. He used the Food Stamps to buy Pepsi and Flaming Hot Cheetos.

      • Got this one too, ‘we are so free and carefree together, it’s so simple!’. Two months after D-day she’s pregnant with an affair child… so much for the simple life…

      • No freaking duh! Everyone is different. Does she expect every man she bangs to be the same in making her feel like she’s soaring into space?

        • He was of course nice enough to have me over for dinner with his kids…(10 year dating relationship) and watch a movie, before I saw his phone ring twice in a row at 10pm. Followed by a text message pop up. Then he immediately swiped his phone. After I questioned him, he asked me to follow him into the living room. I got up and lifted his daughter (which I helped raise since she was 5) off my lap as she had fallen asleep on me while we watched a movie, to walk into the living room so he could do his dance and best impression of a worthless piece of shit….

          Him: “There….don’t you feel better now that you’re free?!”

          Me: “No! It doesn’t feel better! I feel like SHIT! Thank you!”

  • My cheater’s OW wasn’t helpless. It was cheater who was helpless. He’s a parasite who has lived off of women his entire adult life. I gave him sixteen of the best years of my life. Found out after DDay he was cheating from day one. Now, two years later, just heard he and OW are over. Apparently only took her 2 years to figure it out.

    • Careful, Muse. Hoovering may be imminent. There’s nothing like a loss (of anything) to make a Narc nostalgic. They are freakin’ boomerangs! Don’t fall for it.

  • Yes, he “didn’t want to hurt me” but she was going through a tough time. Her husband abused her (?) & please don’t tell her husband about the affair because he will abuse the poor OW some more! Poor babies …. so misunderstood. Their married partners were too busy working, looking after kids, house etc. to fulfill their (sob) innermost needs so they were “helping” each other. Fucktards.

    • Same here. “Don’t tell as her huge husband could beat her or him! ”
      Haven’t looked but I’m sure her ex is not on the public state crime site.

  • The OW was “going through a divorce”, and my cheater was “helping her through it”. Commence puppy dog eyes, right? Wrong. She wasn’t going through any divorce at all. She was married and her husband was heartbroken when he found about she was cheating. As was I.

  • Yes! THIS! My EH told me that the OW had been being physically abused in her marriage and her husband was just awful……according to her! Truth: her husband travelled 27 days out of each month and was barely home! She was living a life of “miserable” luxury off of his quarter of a million income! She raised two kids and stayed married to this “abusive?” Man for almost 30 years . Basically it was all just a lot of bull crap to reel my EH in! Well, I hope the poor whittle thing has recovered her self esteem and strength as she will need it to take care of him fulltime now that he has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer! I wonder what she’ll say to her next FaceBook lover about him while he’s dying? I wonder if she’ll even bother to take care of him, she doesn’t strike me as the “giving” and “caring” type! She is a fraud and my Ex is going to find out in the worst possible way very soon!

    • Roberta

      The best revenge is to live better. But in this case buy popcorn. I know that’s mean but I am tired of kindness for those who do unthinkably cruel things. Hugs to you.

  • I don’t understand people who turn their partners in to their parents and then resent them for making them feel parented and incompetent. A friend, Freida, and her husband started off at the same level at their employer. Freida got frequent promotions and moved up the corporate ladder. Her husband languished at the entry level because he didn’t try as hard, made silly errors, complained about his boss in front of people who reported the comments back to boss. Freida moved to the highest level of management in the company and was regarded as one of the best employees they had. Husband quit rather than being fired after a particularly bad mistake, claiming that he wanted to be a stay home dad.

    But he didn’t clean the house, didn’t take care of the kids, didn’t cook. Freida was left to do all that on top of her job, while her husband shopped online and played video games. She took care of their finances, did home maintenance, yard work, all while he protested that “he would get to it soon.”

    Eventually he started using that computer to find other women, including one gem who immediately started asking for money, help with home repairs, yard work, sex – all of the things he wasn’t doing at home, he was suddenly doing for her. And he protested that she was “just a friend!” and “just needed a little help!” Freida pointed out that he could be doing those repairs/yard work at home, but he sneered, “You always do such a good job, why would I want to compete with that?”

    When Freida confronted him about irrefutable evidence of cheating, he protested that her doing everything for their household made him feel incompetent, like a child. But he felt like a big strong man whenever OW called him for help. “You act like my mother, taking care of everything for me. How am I supposed to want to have sex with someone who acts like my mother. OW needs me. She lets me be a man!”

    So your laziness forces your wife to take control of the house – or let it fall to ruin. And then you get mad at her for stepping up and doing the things you refuse to do? It’s her fault you cheated?

    • This one hits home. Please someone explain that shit. Thanks PuckMuse for putting it so accurately into words.

    • It does hit home. I think a lot of times the competence chumps bring to the marriage is attractive early on but becomes annoying to cheaters later.

      I also got the “you treat me like my mother” too. And when he overspent or bought stupid stuff we couldn’t afford.. and I protested.. I was “no fun” and I stifled his life. But doesn’t someone have to be the adult.

      • It’s a very weird phenomena, like a “cause-effect blind spot.” The husband does not contribute to the upkeep of the marriage, leaves all of these tasks undone, in fact spending most of the time and energy he could use completing these tasks to finding excuses to avoid them. And then he just sort of stands there like, “Well, I’m not going to do this, SOMEONE has to do it” and the task goes undone – sometimes in a compounding situation like a leaking faucet or roof problem that gets worse if left undone. And then he gets upset when someone else steps in an does the task, like he would rather it be left undone so his ego is protected.

        He creates a situation where his spouse HAS to be competent and then resents that competence. You can’t have it both ways! You can’t be a do-nothing man-baby who sits around the house waiting to be coddled AND feel like a man who provides for his family and is a partner in his home life.

        • Very similar situation. My X would claim he was going to get certain things done – from redoing the foyer walls, which sat 1/2 done for YEARS, to paying bills and other important things, to promising to cut the lawn (then let it grow knee-high?)

          The issue with me, was if I tried to actually get one of these tasks done, I got completely criticized for how it was done. And not in a nice way. After a while, I just let shit go. I sat and marveled at how awful our house looked while he sat there and played Roundy Pop on his phone.

          Sooo good to not be under that stress any more. Getting the house fixed little by little.

        • absolutely! We had a classic car that we had owned for a number of years. It needed engine work and H has a mechanic background but he was too lazy to do the work. So the car sat for YEARS un-drivable. I said on several occasions throughout those years – just take the money out of savings and pay someone to do the work so we can enjoy riding around on the weekends in it. But of course he didn’t. When we divorced, he wanted the car but he COMPLAINED that it had lost value because it didn’t run and had sat for so long. Really??

          • Yeah, this part hits home. Never wanted to do home repair but wouldn’t hire anyone either or accept help from anyone, even his own brother. Ego I guess.

            My dear departed cousin, who was an excellent carpenter, did some work on the house at the request of my Dad. Ex hid in the house and actually complained that my Dad just wanted to give my cousin “something to do”. I couldn’t believe my ears. What a lousy attitude and so ungrateful. He could have gotten off his lazy ass and at least offered to help my cousin and maybe learned some things in the process.

            He knew it showed him to be cheap and lazy and he resented it.

            Another “trick” he had was to do any job he did do so crappy that no one would ask him to do anything again. He’d play dumb to get out of stuff too.

        • Me too! Or three, four, five, what are we up to?
          I spent an entire two hours at a home improvement store pricing all the things I need to make a long list of repairs after STBX finally signs the papers and gets out. All those weekends when he will have the kids are going to be spent making my home livable again.

      • Mine actually insisted on calling me Mama after we had children. When I’d tell him that was gross or disturbing he’d say well, the kids call you Mama and I don’t want to confuse them. Except that he also called me that when the kids were not around. Ew.

        Over the years I learned to do everything around the house, install sinks, replace toilets, wire lights, painting, minor carpentry, lay tile, auto mechanic, seamstress/ironing maid, computer support, tree and lawn care. Because he was really good at noticing and nagging about every itty bitty thing wrong and not doing a thing about it.

        • No, no, NOOOOO!!

          I call my husband, “Dad” as it relates to the kids. As in, “Go ask Dad if he wants to get ice cream with us.” But otherwise, NO. I do not blur that line.

          It’s super-weird, like they want to join the ranks of the kids, and get to expect cartoons and snacks and care in exchange for no effort. The stunted emotional development doesn’t allow them to understand that there are many levels of taking care of the people in your life. You care for children in certain ways, doing things they’re not able to do for themselves (providing food, shelter, paying their expenses) and for spouses/loved ones, you listen, you provide emotional support, you do the little things that they can do for themselves, but might not have time. The distinction is almost possible for them to make.

          • Omg me too. “Mama” made me sick to my stomach. I always said I’m not your mama – please use my name. A MC told me to look up Madonna/whore complex. Eww ewwww. Wtf you know?!?

    • Spot on! Lived it and heard of these complaints on top of how i emasculated him!!

      I think the emasculation thing was a verbatim justification via the MOW as to why their loved was special and deserved between the two assholes.

    • PS, I don’t mean to imply this applies strictly to men. Women do it, too, but in the case I saw, it was the husband.

      • “creates a situation where his spouse HAS to be competent and then resents that competence. ”

        I can personally attest to this not being a phenomenon restricted to men. Fits my stbxw perfectly. Finances, affairs, you name it…

    • Same here with the parent thing.

      My ex said she despised her dad, but really admired him I guess because she began an affair with a man that was about her dad’s age and…SURPRISE!…looks like her dad.

      Explanation: They are spoiled little brats who are used to other people picking up their toys they leave scattered everywhere. They want the toys their parents give them, but they resent being told (YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!) what to do.

      I think the real issue for us as I have posted before is that we wanted to parent a spoiled little brat when we should have walked.

    • Took me a long time to realize that cheater married me not as the love of his life but as his vanilla cover and every day functionary.

    • PucksMuse, all; I really don’t think this is the root of the problem. The root is that they are attracted to people who have the qualities they wish they had, hence the early on compliments about strength and competence, etc. in my case Saddam wanted to BE me, when he couldn’t do it he hated and denigrated all the qualities in me that he initially said attracted him to me. Assholes don’t want to be assholes, they also don’t want to actually do the work necessary to NOT be assholes.

      • OK, DAT, I agree with you up to a point. They are initially attracted to us because they want to be us, but, having just interacted with the Narc and the OW after TEN YEARS NO CONTACT, I have a gained a little perspective into the evolution of crazy.

        He complained that I was too independent, and he wanted someone who “needed” him. I read into that, that I was too much his mother. Not that I strove for that title. Hell who does? But when a man abdicates all responsibillty, women tend to pick up the slack. My bad, right?

        She was 13 years younger, rich, owned his company, partied like a guy, was the “new woman” (read, not his Mom). He was smitten.

        Flash forward ten years, I see them in court, and she is yelling at me, defending poor sad sausage, acting remarkably like a mother bear. ANd him? He is now a 6’2″ spineless Mama’s Boy (dragged his 86 year old Mom to the fiasco), whose confidence is gone. Their company has gone under. He turns to OWSugar Mama for every decision. She has become his mother, and he has finally fallen into the role he really always wanted. Whiny little cry baby (tears were involved). I was shocked at first, until she was thrown out of the room for yelling at me, and he turns around and hits on me! Ah, I thought, there’s the man I remember. I just laughed and shook my head. Unbelievable!

        They don’t change, but they do get worse. KNow that you dodged a bullet. They will never be the people we are. They don’t have the integrity, courage, or honesty that it takes.

  • Mine said in MC that he and Owhore were “going through similar things emotionally”.. this as he was telling the crappy MC about the “friendship”. Coincidentally, the shitty MC bought this lame excuse, but I never did.

    Later, H tried to claim that he hadn’t told Owhore much about our relationship- yet they were going through similar things emotionally??? How do you know that unless the conversations are pretty deep???

    Once I confronted the Owhore via text and she also said my H “hadn’t shared much about our relationship”.. they were friends like “brother and sister”. Friends like brother and sister, yet don’t share much about their relationships… going through similar things emotionally, yet don’t talk to the Owhore about their marriages?

    Contradictions, lies, duplicity.


    • This^^^^^. Such a frigging load of crap. And shark eyes. It gags me that I was duped for so long, and upsets me that so many of you in CN have had similar (or worse) experiences. Yick.

  • Lol, I remember the 1st affair. He was going to end it, but it would take a day or two. See, he had to ‘talk her down off a ledge’ over his leaving her. He was with her a month. I had only been with him 18 years at the time, so I guess I was good. Nothing to worry about there.

  • “Married but on our own…” This was the beginning of the suck and fuck poem he sent the whore while still married. It was so romantic and thrilling to be married and find love sitting at a dive bar at a casino. Alas, he’s been spotted there with yet other women since he MOVED in with her. No worries about her multiple assault charges, breaking and entering, and felony drug charge. This vagina is his bad girl fuck me, fuck me grand finally. She makes NO money and is BP. Of all the nasty in the world this was his destiny!! Lol. A dream girl incognito ugly as sin with a two pack a day smokers voice. But alas she has a beach pass!! And we know that’s his favorite hunting ground.

    Yet he fit so naturally into a blissful living relationship with the needy pig, helping her take care of dogs (he hated having any type if pet) in their flea infested love shack of a dump.

    Famous last words, “I’ll never get anywhere with YOU”.

    This is what a serial cheating narcissist ends up with in life. It’s not a pretty picture. I have come to realize my loss was her gain.

    As I sleep comfortably in my bed each night she gets to sleep with the bed wetter who puts a heating pad on his back and a pillow between his legs. She has to fake orgasms to keep him from leaving.

    She gets to listen to his various life’s injustices he suffers on a daily basis. She gets a cheater with limited interests who will go to carnivals and the same restaurant weekly. She gets to go listen to all his false dreams and wannabe goals he can never achieve. She gets all the recycled poems he has been using for 36 years.

    Life really is what you make it. And cheaters deserve to make it with their own kind. Letting that go was one of the greatest achievements in my life.

    This weekend there’s a carnival they will no doubt enjoy. A repeat from last year.

    Such arrested development is their commonality.

    Gaining a life is better than carnie fanfare. Thanks CL.

  • Let’s face it, we will NEVER understand the convoluted reasoning of any cheater! These “excuses” have more twists and turns than a pot of boiled spaghetti! I gave up and I’m going to let the chips fall where they may! If my Ex and his Schmoopie have some half-baked genius idea that they believe wi work then so be it! I just can’t imagine being so short-sighted as to how I will notify his family once he dies! That should stiffen her backbone a bit!

  • There are a lot of “white knights” out there. If it is a cheating husband, he is doing the rescuing, in many cases. If it is one’s wife who is cheating, you , the husband , are often being cast as a villain. It truly is pathetic that the guys the WW cheats with cannot think with anything but their dicks.
    I bet a large % of the betrayed husbands were cast as abusive, emotionally unavailable, workaholics etc
    There is some weird socialization of men that they seem to relish this role as rescuer. Makes them feel heroic or something.
    Then, they “win the prize” and the cheating wives they acquire cheat on them, eventually.

    • From my experience with STBX, this is the case. He was definitely cast as the White Knight. Also, he started watching chick flicks on television–you know, series with women leads who were strong, yet vulnerable (think Once Upon a Time) and needed a man at their back.

      STBX always felt sorry for OW when she worked for him. She was twice divorced, and claimed that her ex-husbands were abusive assholes. Okay, I can understand being unlucky once (hey, we’re all in the “getting a divorce” mode), but after the second time to the altar, you need to do some serious introspection under therapy in order to fix your picker and figure out why you’re making bad relationship decisions. OW hadn’t done the therapy, and was clearly interested in fucking her way though upper management on down.

      Personally, I think they’re headed for a co-dependency hell, but the good news is that I’ll be out of it. 🙂

    • In general, people rescued by the “white knights” require very little of Sir Cheater, because after all, Sir Cheater rescued them from an awful situation. How could you ask your savior to stop leaving his wet towels on the floor? How could you ask the person who has given you money, helped you move, fixed your sink to also take out the garbage and maybe get a job? So the white knight gets to feel like the hero without having to deal with the mundane details of every day life.

      • PucksMuse, I think the shine wears off after awhile. Once the OW starts acting more like a wife and they move in together, someone still has to do the chores. Life gets real, and the cheater looks elsewhere to continue the fantasy.

        • Yeah, you’ll notice few romantic comedies feature the couple sitting down and doing their taxes.

      • In the case of my STBX and his OW, OW is definitely a BPD “waif” who needs rescuing. STBX, if he’s disordered (and I reserve judgment on this), would be more BPD than NPD. STBX has given her quite a bit of money: paid her mortgage when she was unemployed, paid her health insurance, helped her buy a car, etc. You’d think that she’d not demand a lot from her because he’s already given her so much.

        Nope. She is jealous of his every move. She hates he’s still married (but is vested in trying to keep his retirement intact–not happening!), so she’s jealous of me. She’s jealous of the woman at his new place of employment. She complains when he’s working late, etc. It’s all about her and her needs.

        Still, as LiningUpDucks says, they’ve not moved in together, so most of their communication is via text. Once they spend more time in the same space, I think that it will be a train wreck.

        • Cheaters rationalize affairs as freeing and ego-boosting, then OW makes more and more demands. I’ll be the one free and he’ll be in prison with this needy mess. Reminds me of that “Soulmate Schmoopie” cartoon – “We’ll be together as soon as my wife’s process server finds me!”

          STBXH is already panicking, saying to me, “But if I’d wanted to be with OW full time, I would have taken a job where she was.”

          X casts people into buckets in his life – he does it with the kids as well – strong and competent or needy and dysfunctional. He is turned off when the strong and competent ones have any need, like an illness. But the needy and dysfunctional ones can have umpteen problems, and he feels very important rescuing them, usually with money.

          X left an overseas job where OW was. She didn’t let go – emailing him that she had a blood clot, her ex wasn’t paying support, she couldn’t feed her kids, etc. He ran around gathering money for her like he was being blackmailed. I was working and he was actually selling my things on eBay and sending her the money. When I discovered it, he told me he knew I would want to help out someone in need.

    • Unemotional husband, that was me. But when I play back our marriage, I remember the confused look on her face when I put my cat down she gave me before we were married, me coming home crying, her not knowing what to do with me. My grandmothers funeral, she couldn’t go, cost was to much, she was in school, and our kids didn’t need to see how emotional my mother would be. My uncles funeral, she had her family holidays booked. I know I had days I was angry, and times I was happy. But isn’t that what being a person is?
      And when “D” day hit, and I was a sobbing mess on the floor, she would sit on the bed, head in her lap. So much for the unemotional husband.

      • I struggle with this too Laughing Squirrel. I always saw him as my best friend, my confidant, my rock… but since BD, he’s like a different person entirely. Very little empathy for me. When I break down and cry, he just leaves the room… like he can’t deal with it.

        Ironically he said I didn’t love him enough. Didn’t show enough love, didn’t “fill him up” or “put him first”. Yet him BDing me has reduced me to rubble. Isn’t that a show of love in itself? If I was a heartless bitch, I wouldn’t care, would I?

        • I’m a little biased, but I asked “Did you think I would be this hurt”, “No” was the answer. Self-centered much?
          I still get lied too, it actually makes it easier to go. RUN FORREST RUN. Heh, reminds me of a meme: “My life was like Forrest Gump, she was a whore, and I was a retard”

        • Mine screamed at me when I would cry, perhaps only a half dozen times over nearly 20 years, except when my dad died, then I was allowed to cry but after three days I guess it got old because I was told to get over it.
          I am sooooo stealing the Forest Gump quote!

          • If I cried, mine would just walk away. No hug, no comforting, nothing.
            When my Dad died, I drove to the hospital at 2am alone. He didn’t show an ounce of compassion.

        • Projecting much? You know you loved him. Don’t let him make you doubt your own feelings. They are yours, afterall. You be the expert here.

  • My ex’s favorite movies were Pretty Woman and Flashdance. See a pattern? Richard Gere’s character says “you could be so much more” but what does that mean? It means having a rich guy by your side…maybe she can be elevated to a girlfriend…maybe even a wife someday. So condescending. Also, my ex told me he felt like James Bond during his travels…international man of mystery. None of these women he “got” were challenges – just easy and needy…and somehow always needed money. I also heard that “I didn’t need him”. That is true…I didn’t need him in a desperate way…just to be an involved husband and father. I was delusional thinking that he was marriage material.

  • I was told the OW was ‘there for him’ .This was after he dripfed me the truth over a six month period.I was also told he hadn’t known her previously.Truth was she was his patient…obs and gynae btw….had been for many years….looking after her vajayjay in more ways than one.
    Then after he had been living with her for several months, he propositioned me but said he’d have to be careful because he wouldn’t want to hurt her.Beats the shit outta me how I didn’t ice pick him in the head right there and then.
    You cannot make this shit up.

    • Truth was she was his patient…obs and gynae btw….had been for many years….looking after her vajayjay in more ways than one.

      EEEEWWWWWWWWW. GROSS. You really can’t make this shit up.

  • My ex said he and the OW had the same marital difficulties and frustrations. She needed someone to talk to. WTF? Maybe talk to your respective spouses about it?

    • I got this too. They shared marital difficulties. Further more, OW’s husband had only given her a card for her birthday. Of course mine had completely blown off my birthday before, but instead of screwing someone else I made sure to put it on his calendar with an email reminder.

  • My STBXH never gave me a sob story about the OW. He only kept repeating that they were “just friends”. I think she “needed” him more than I did. Looking back now, that certainly is the case. But poor girl, he won’t be much help to her financially, what, with the child support he has to pay for his own son, he just doesn’t bring home that much money. I mean, he had to move in with her because times are so hard right now! Poor sausage. And they didn’t move into HER home. Nope. I think they downgraded the house to something much cheaper. I googled it. Ew. This is what he tells my brother-in-law when he calls. Apparently he gets kibbles from him because whenever I stand my ground with him, he calls my bro-in-law.

    I will say this, I think he felt that she “got” him. They are made for each other…she’s 3 times divorced. A loser at relationships. And something tells me this ain’t her first rodeo.

    • Conniered, I think that’s true in my case, too. I think the weirdo OW is a good fit for the X. They are both histrionic Drama Queens, LOL. So I guess I never really ‘got’ him. I’m into my family, gratitude for what you have, and being real. No drama for me! I’m allergic to that shit!

  • Ex and OW were united in grief after her husband died. He consoled her and they ‘talked’. He used to come home and tell me how she sobbed in his arms.

  • OW once texted XH in the middle of the night to come get a bat out of her apartment that had flown through a window. When XH told me about it the next day (about 2 months before D-day), I was appalled – who calls their BOSS in the middle of the night for such a thing?! I told him to tell her to call her boyfriend or another grad student next time and stop bothering him. Little did I know she HAD called her boyfriend…who also happened to be my husband.

    Other “helpless” things she couldn’t do without XH:

    *Attend church
    *Get new tires on her car
    *Move from one apartment to another
    *Write her PhD dissertation
    *Get a job at UCLA
    *Move herself across country to UCLA

    Of course nothing says, “Hasta la vista, baby!” like putting a country between you and your ho-worker. They broke up a year later…

  • Thankfully, no White Knight Syndrome here. Cheaterpants is a serial cheating, opportunistic asshole.

    The MOW was the AP with her current H. Her H knew, supposedly, all about her fidelity issues in their marriage- hook ups, APs, swinging, etc… The only time he caused a ruckus was when she and my cheaterpants began planning their future to run off together in 2012.

    I really, really wish this H wasn’t such a fucking coward. I really wish he had contacted me because I would have put asshole to the curb a lot faster than when I did.

  • Wow! These cheaters don’t clearly see that lies, manipulation and cheating IS the default setting on all of them! And they really believe that their “relationship” is somehow going to be special and different because they are true soul-mates! Yuck! It just starts the cycle of the cheating over again! That so-called “special soul-mate Schmoopie” relationship NEVER ends well! They have this delusional idea that they are going to be the exception and not the rule! It’s justice as far as I’m concerned!

  • Igotthesilver

    I was sitting at a coffee shop and a group of coworkers were together talking. One guy was randomly complaining about his wife. The others ignored him. Soon enough he interjected with another off topic degrading jab about his wife. I thought CHEATER. I never knew the reason my relationship with his family was so bad. Then I found out he was going over there complaining to his mother.

    I lost my home when fuckwit decided to move to florida while I was still working on my degree. Instead of getting a job and sending me money he partied and cheated. After he returned i overheard him talking to his employee about what a bitch I was and horrible bulkshit lies that flored me. Where did this come from? I never bitched at him ever! It was just the opposite!

    These lies become their narrative and we become the monster within themselves. They vomit their darkness. We become the character they create to justify their actions. Such a tale of woe to woo the needy into bed.

    Through the grieving process this still saddens me. Ignored were all the gifts and joy of having a loving wife and mother of his children. I think this is why it was so easy to discard and move on without a glance back. He couldn’t lose something he never appreciated to start with. They live in darkness

    • My STBX exhibits more borderline than narc tendencies. One highlight of BPD is the tendency to split. People are either all good or all bad. You’ll hear this when he talks. I’m pretty much the bitch queen who can’t cook worth a damn. Three years ago, he was posting on FB about what a great wife I was and how my cooking was amazing. I’m sure he’s telling OW that I’m a terrible person, but he’s keeping quiet about OW because he’s not divorced and it would hurt his image to be an adulterer.

      Post divorce, once the settlement has cleared, I plan to go rain on his parade by attending the monthly breakfast hosted by an organization he belongs to.

      • Weird. I got that too. In fact it’s on going. I’m mean, repressed whatever. I’m angry at being duped for the first half of my adult life by an emotionally abusive narc. And NO, he will not be getting blowjobs from me. = mean and repressed per cheaterpants.

  • My ex’s OW needed him so bad she would have killed herself without him.

    While “we” were attempting reconciliation she threatened to kill herself culminating in him calling 911 when she wouldn’t answer her phone and having police and rescue go to her apartment — but he also had to go, too.

    In therapy when I threw a pillow at him when he told the therapist he had contact her (something he had omitted to tell me) he said, “see, you are both crazy.” Because me being frustrated by another lie and her threatening suicide (which she had done previously, but he felt this time was different) = the same thing. We are crazy women!

    After it became apparent that there was no us, he moved in with her directly and started talking about introducing this nutjob to your young children. I may have said, “what happens if you wait long enough for the kids to get used to this, will she kill herself?”

    He said, “she is in therapy now and is really mortified about that.”

    Fast forward a year.

    Still together. Not introduced to kids yet (yay) and she recently saw a mutual friend — one who told his wife and me some of the things she had said to him like “Why would he go back to her? With me he gets threesomes!” and told him, “I had to go to therapy to deal with the fact betrayed my confidence.”

    Cuz, the suicide threats, well obviously those work for her.

    You can’t make this stuff up.

      • That would be my guess, but couldn’t say I could dx her. Lots of drinking, promiscuity, was married in an “open marriage”. All things that scare me to have her around my kids AT ALL. She will love bomb them at first and try to win them, but if they don’t live up to her fantasy of an instant family? Who knows. Ex is not equipped to “rescue” them, only her.

        He likes that she “tells him what she wants and needs”…yeah, I stopped doing that, because if I did I was “criticizing him” and telling him he couldn’t do anything right.

        They say that narcs and bpds can actually have lasting relationships. I would say, great. I ‘m glad they can make each miserable instead of two non cluster Bs…except my children don’t get out so easily 🙁

  • My X told me the OW needed help with her kids, two boys, just like he has at home but was neglecting to go help someone else’s kids, even told an elder at church the same sob story like it made some kind of sense, cheaters just don’t think straight.

    • Had the same. STBX went off nightly to parent her kids, leaving me to spend the evening with mine. When he WAS around the house in the evening he was always upset that the kids and I were playing a game or watching a movie that lasted longer than he wanted it to. I couldn’t do anything right. Frankly, life is better without him.

  • I’m new to this world of chumpness, and it really sucks!!……Yep, my WH said his AP (of 16 years) was needy, socially awkward and didn’t have many friends. Plus she was frustrated and depressed with her job…..and he had been trying to get out of the A for years, but she would be having a bad day and he just couldn’t leave her like that.

    • See? He’s helpful like that! She needs another fuck? He’ll help her out all right. I mean, it’s just sex, right?

      Run, inthedark16. Your cheater will never be ready to leave–he knows that once he does, his kibble supply will be cut in half!

      • It’s been five months since D Day and he says he’s NC, other than a couple of phone calls/voicemails and ranting text messages (which he’s shown me) from OW in the first couple of months. Says he’s wants to change and be a better person… I’m stuck firmly on this damn fence!

    • Inthedark16, you might want to check out the forums, lot’s of helpful people going through the hell that you can talk to there. the forum link is at the top of the page and you can use your same account on WordPress. Jedi Hugs, the beginning is the worst!

      • Thanks for your hugs Datdamwuf! Still navigating the web site, I’ll definitely be checking out the forums.

  • My exWife told me that life “just wasn’t fun” with me. I guess it was more fun fucking her AP, going to Paris with her work “girlfriend” while I worked all hours to keep the family afloat and looked after the kids while she went out most nights.

    And oh, looking back — the fights she picked with me. All text book gas-lighting. I wish that I had found this blog earlier. Would have saved myself a lot of pain and anguish trying to work out why we weren’t getting on.

    I’m 13 months post divorce, and she is still with her AP, going to Bali, New York, South Africa, Chicago, Paris and where else, while I get the pleasure of paying spousal maintenance. It grates, but karma will come one day.

      • Not only does it give them reason to leave the house, it gives them reason to cheat. It pisses them off when you’re nice to them, or give them reasons to not want to hate you. So they have to make stuff up. My wife would get annoyed if I’d buy her flowers… she’d start a fight that flowers are a waste of money for example. It’s easier to cheat if you can back up all the crap they’ve been telling the AP… So they tweak you into a fight by being cold and mean, and then when you get confused and annoyed at being manipulated, they can tell the AP how controlling you are, or how much you fight and don’t get along because you got annoyed (that they are treating you like crap)…

    • That Karma bus is warming up and coming around any minute LondonChump. And just think, it’s bad enough Karma they have to BE who they are. I mean seriously, who would want to be such an ass.

    • london chump truelly hope the karma bus has a full tank of petrol because that cow rubbing it in your face like that should have a long drawn out ride on the bus.ive been hurt by ,y ex just taking his whore to Cornwall let alone all of the places your ex hound has in the face of your enemies I so know it works.sending positivity

  • OW in my case is dumb as a rock. xH and I have graduate degrees–we earned them in the same program (but we have nothing in common.) Losers love to affair down, and boy, did he.

    One of my favorite stories goes like this: xH and OW were texting each other shortly after DD, making plans to move to Methville, a local lake community. Houses are pretty cheap up there–for this state! He texted her, “Oh, that one with the back yard is $123K, but I also like the one higher up the street. It’s only $109K.”
    She texted back, “What’s a K?”
    I’m sure it gave him quite the woody to be able to tell her, “Well, in this case, K means a thousand.” She made him feel soooooooooo fucking brilliant. To be fair, he’s a pretty book-smart guy (and an idiot.) Sometimes, for jokes, a few of my friends and I will pout, “What’s a K?”

    Maybe some of you reading this don’t know what K is, but I bet you don’t work hard at playing dumb so you can fuck married people and hurt innocent kids.

    OW is pretty, broke, and a recovering (maybe?) alcoholic. “She LOVES ME FOR ME!” NOT his salary. She better not–he’s a cheap asshole. And he bellowed, “She has simple needs!” Except for her salon bill–that gray hair doesn’t grow platinum blonde all on its own, you know. He texted her, “You need to update your iPod! I’ll put some more music on there!” If reminiscent sounds of the ’70’s is an update, I’m sure he felt like a king.

    On the other hand, OW also has a rescue complex. She rescues animals (injured birds, chihuahuas, and human men), has an entry-level nursing certificate, and a collection of male friends who admire her. She likes Dalai Lama quotes–she is so fucking noble, I tell you. No doubt he plied her with the same sadness that got me: a mean ex, and various physical ailments. He works so hard, and is so misunderstood.

    I mean, who rescued whom? *GASP!* (Soooooooooo profound!!!!!)

  • My new saying about the ex and the OW (that he married btw and she is about 18 years younger than him and they now have 2 kids) is….

    Trash belongs with Trash!!!!

    Once thing I know there is no trust between them because they have a many shared social media accounts. To me that that is a bit insane. It also seems that their entire lives is on social media. For me I rather live my life than post about it. I’m not a social media type of person. I guess that starting out as they have I would not trust each other also and not let each other out of my site because we all know how things will end. Some of the funny things I have notice is that all these mental pictures of them mostly and some of the kids. Overall mostly of them with the lovely fake perfect couple smiles. Also what I notice is that his smile seems forced and it is not a natural relaxed smile. The smile is very tense and seems forced. I guess he is proving a point?

    When we were together at the beginning I would smile in our pictures after 1st D-day my smile was gone but his smile was still there pretending we were fine and the perfect couple. Which I knew that was not true but for some reason in his mental disorder things were perfect we have no issues. I guess he forgot about his cheating. I was no longer going to pretend that we were a perfect happy couple. He killed that for me. The connection that I thought we had was gone. Now I know it was never there. The entire marriage and the love he had for me was not true.

    Also I can tell in their pictures he seems to be proving a point and all the pictures are staged for reason. When we were together our pictures were more relaxed and he looked more happy with me than her. Also with his smile with me it was more relaxed and natural. Not with her. We were always hugging in our pictures or some funny face or just being a silly couple. I don’t see that at all with them. I guess what I am saying it looks like he is well deep into his personality disorder and I don’t see any connection with them at all. One thing I can tell with their pictures there is no connection also. The same fake smile he always has had but his eyes are dark. His eyes are empty. I guess a picture is worth a thousand words but none of them are good or positive just 2 evil souls pretending that they are a “perfect” marriage but there is no trust. Hopefully time will tell and how they began will how they end.

    Well this is what he wanted. I have what I want also and there is no way I’m going back. Trash belongs with Trash!!!!!

  • me ex said she needs me more than i do, she is only 25, leaves with her gran, has a drunken father she has nothing to do with, a brother always in trouble with the police, she doesn’t get on with her mother.

    i found out and told him she is the factory bike, he said oh that’s just rumors you know what work is like.
    i said she is after your money a way out of her shitty little life, he said oh she is not, she gets me.
    he said he could not dump her as she threaten to cause his trouble at work as he is her boss. wow she contacted me via fake accounts for months every other week, i ignored and blocked, she was telling me what a horrible, hold, dirty perv, boring miserable, lying cheating person he was.that i would never trust him again and it would ruin my life. i was thinking like yeah i know that’s why i kicked him and you know what he ran straight back to her and she took him back, oh well must be tru luv. lol she will be his down fall, its all ready happening as he is trouble with his boss for given her special treatment at work pmsl the karma bus is coming for them both, good luck to her i say

  • Ah yes, the poor helpless OW. The poor dear needed ME to problem solve for her via cheater ex on D day. I was speechless after that particular gut punch on that day. He told me that I was selfish for not coming up with an answer to her problem. This was the same OW who dumped him for not making enough money after he took a much lower paying job to try to avoid child support.

    Yep, true love.

    He met her at an AA meeting. My guess was that she was screwing her way through multiple groups in hopes of finding a sugar daddy. Makes me wonder how much devastation she has left in her wake over the years. Strangely, she wasn’t particularly pretty, or particularly smart. Just a willing, needy whore who was looking for someone to use. Cheater ex stepped up with a smile…..whatta guy.

    • It seems they are never particularly pretty, smart or special. Gee, I wonder why that is? Maybe because confident, beautiful, smart and decent women wouldn’t have anything to do with married men trolling for a$$.

      Bless you Tessie, you are my hero.

  • I recall finding emails to one of many OW a year after they’d broken up, which happened to be 18 months after our wedding. He was going to be in town for work and asked her out for dinner.

    After DDay, while I was trying to piece everything together and he was doing the typical obfuscation, I asked him about his dinner invitation. He said he wanted to apologize to her for the way he had treated her, which consisted of him going MIA and other minor games you play when you’re married but have someone else on the hook.

    Holy fuck. They had been together a month or two and she was deserving of the apology I never got. Poor OW indeed.

    • You are not alone, Seattle! There are a lot of us chumpers out here in the great PNW. PNW Chump Nation unite! The OW is a 32 yo who lives at home with her psychiatrist father and 25 yo sister. Both dope smokers — how attractive, NOT! Never accomplished anything in her life, no career, no marriage, no kids. . . . Had to try to steal my life — as if she could be me! “Bitch, it took 25 years of hard WORK to earn and build what I have in my life!” And I have the self regard and self esteem from that effort and accomplishment that is all my own. STBX and I are 20+ year professionals at the top of our fields. She met him in the elevator while delivering papers for her minimum wage job. Touched his (23 year) wedding ring and said she wanted to be his “side thing!” Put hearts over her “i”‘s — just like the undeveloped immature junior high girl she is like. She “needs” my STBX to buy her a $300,000 jumper horse and pay $150K/year in show fees because her bio daddy is getting old and tired of paying. STBX HATES horses! but he says OW “makes” him happy! Says that I “made” him feel inadequate. WTH?! And, his happiness is the most important thing to him. . . forget the devastation our 4 kids are suffering. . .just so long as he is happy — ugh! Disgusting narc. The sooner I can get to “meh” the better! It’s been 7 months since D-Day and 2 months today since he left to “date her openly.” Weekly trauma therapy and reading through and doing the writing prompts in Co-Dependent No More is helping me get to “Good riddance!” Although it is two steps forward one step back most days. Still a net gain!

  • Hmmm…my xh never admitted the OW. Not even when I had found that he purchased an air ticket for her using our companion pass before he filed for divorce (cheap-bastard). Not even when I got the credit card charges for all of the expensive dinners (he wouldn’t let me have the key to our mailbox…”Hellooooooo!!!!! McFly!!!!” boy, was I trusting!). I bought into the “I just want to be single, I don’t know if I want to be married…There’s such turmoil in my head! I’m living with a buddy, and I can’t tell you where because I don’t trust you in your anger!).

    I was left to put the pieces of their affair together on my own. Whore is a co-worker of his. I heard from many of their co-workers after discovery, that whore was cheated on by her xh. Apparently, whore liked to troll for married men at their office. I guess, they call this type of whore a “Spider Woman”? I just call it pathetic. So, I’m left with thinking that my xh played the gallant Knight in Shining Amor. Rescuing his helpless, needy whore. I, like many of you, got called controlling and angry. XH married this manipulative bitch, and it appears she keeps him on a tight leash.

  • Another thing I never can understand with these cheaters and/or Personality Disordered assholes. The amount of it takes for the all of this alone. For me there is just a limited amount of time in one day to focus on work and other things that happen during general daily life events. I could no way juggle the multiple lives that they have. Really is that all they have to add in the world. I have been out of that marriage for years now and still don’t have enough time that it takes to do all that these cheaters and the OW/OM do to what they do. Plus I just don’t think that way. I would rather go home and just relax. Plus to have all the stories they have to make up and keep it running smooth without screwing it up would really make me exhausted. I know I would forget and get caught in the lie. I’m tired enough with work and just general life things and then take on all the messy things that the cheaters and AP have to deal with is way to much for me. It seems like they have way to much time on their hands and to be really honest with you it is a very sad life. Cheaters we know they are shit. But to be affair partner is such an empty life to have the sloppy seconds from a married cheater and live a half life that they live from day to day. This is true if the cheater would leave the spouse for them also. I love this saying “When you marry your mistress, you create a vacancy.” Remember this OW/OM.

    Affair partners is you are reading this my heart DOES NOT for one second go out to you at all. Reap what you sow!!!!!! But I think both parties (the cheaters and the OW/OM) are just plain out stupid to fully understand how sad they really are. Good reason why their parents should have used some form of birth control or just not have sex at all!!!!!

    • “I could no way juggle the multiple lives that they have.”
      Most cheaters don’t really do this, either. Most check out of their previous life so they can put their energy into the mask and into their new AP. This leaves the daily chores of their first life up to their chump to take care of.

    • I truly think they just love being at the eye of the tornado of DRAMA. For some reason, this makes their life more worthwhile…..
      Personally, I love peace, and feeling secure in my space. The X found that to be boring. Except now. Now it’s the thing he wants back, now that he’s living in OW’s basement, and our sons find him to be an embarassment!
      They are such Kooks.
      One of my favorite sayings is – Secret to happiness is to want what you have.

  • Actually, Arby, cheaters and OWhores DO murder wives and kids – at least one poster here knows that from direct experience,

    And in yesterday’s news:
    we have the story of a mistress who kidnapped and murdered her AP’s wife. Because her AP was going to take the wife on a nice vacation.

    And the stats are pretty murky about whether marriages survive affairs. Estimates by therapists (who have a stake in convincing you that your marriage CAN survive an affair) say 30 – 80%.

    It’s ‘just’ sex, yes, and ripping families apart, and STD transmission, and finances blown out of the water, and even, Arby, murder.

    • Seriously, have none of these idiots seen the movie Fatal Attraction? Do they not watch the news? It’s amazing the risks people will take with their families lives and happiness to get a piece of strange.

    • Actually, the therapist told us that the odds are not in our favor. Only time will tell whether he has the level of humility required to create something new.

  • So today I was going through a file I labeled “asshole” I had in my bedroom with all the things I wrote since the X’s grand finally with #17.

    Evidently he broke into my home last week looking for the evidence I have under lock and key at another location. My son noticed a piece of molding missing on the window and the other moldings loose.

    Nothing was missing with the exception of this file having papers pulled out above the others. I decided to destroy them given some where written soon after DDay and were rather pathetic
    I had found a poem he wrote which gave me such insight into the serial cheater think. It was a first draft and it was all about our love with the exception to this part he crossed out.

    You never know until you try they say
    Do you have the balls to play?
    Sit back and watch it pass
    Or grab it, hold it, make it last

    When the heart has no more questions to ask
    It’s found it’s soulmate.

    Yes their hearts have questions to ask!!
    And he has a soul.

    Yup, he put his heart an soul into a life of cheating. They think about it and make the decision. ITS THAT SIMPLE.
    They like the game.

  • All the poor Affair Partners out there, in need of assistance and rescuing.
    My ex had a “white knight” syndrome, all our female friends always went to him for relationship advice. I do not know if AP #1 was “in need” but #2 went to him for job mentoring and relationship advice. I never liked her insincere manner, and warned him about her.
    AP #3 (now the wifey) must have had some sob story, as when I asked ex about her husband/exH, I was told “no one feels sorry for that guy”, the insulation being that he was an abuser, etc. I felt for him… OW cheated on her H only 2 yrs into their marriage.

    I was gaslighted over AP 1 &2 (only friends, etc) and found out the truth with #3.
    Took time, but I am finally ok. She thinks she won a prize, but he is 10 years older than her, and now that baby #2 has arrived, she will learn what I have learned– he is great with babies and little kids, not so great with the preteens and teenagers.

  • It’s amazing how similar these stories are. My Cheater’s MOW was “trapped” in her marriage to a verbally abusive man, and she “needed” Cheater for emotional support. I, on the other hand, am self-sufficient, and I didn’t need him enough. The best comment was “she’s a good person. She doesn’t deserve this.” WHAT??? If your idea of a good person is someone who will knowingly pursue and sleep with a married man for 9 months until busted, we clearly have different value systems. Buh bye…

  • Relatively new to the site, I continue to be amazed at how “predictable” affair / cheater behavior appears to be….
    A key turning point for me was a marriage counseling session where CH (55) was asked why he was having such a hard time going no contact with the OW (single 28 year old former co-worker/assistant) and his exact quote was: “But OW needs me, she is so hurt by our breakup, her greatest fear is abandonment because her father died when she was two and her boyfriend left her …blah, blah, blah.” His next sentence was (exact quote) “AND “TIRED CHUMP” IS SO STRONG!”
    What? It was punch to the gut.
    Still trying to reconcile – after all , its been 33 years together, 29 married, six cross country moves, three kids, two dogs, years of economic challenges, and more recently, success but this quote made me question whether we will make it.
    But really? Loyal to someone you’ve known only a few years? vs. your family who has been with you all along?
    Six months out from D-day and he is still in some contact with OW. I kicked him out in early July after i found he was at her house – but then let him back because I keep believing his BS – struggling chump that I am.
    Just a few days ago, I saw an email to OW saying he wanted her to know that even that it was over, he still loved and missed her. They exchanged pictures of each other – happy together – with the title, “Always Remember.”
    Three year affair, practically lived with her, seeing her almost every day work – drinks/dinner/sex while telling us he was working at his high pressure job. Apparently, he got her pregnant, and “helped” her through an abortion (still processing that shocker).
    I learned the “trickle truth” because last week she sent me a spurned lover letter with everything I needed to know about the affair. CH had confessed to most of it – except the pregnancy.
    So cheaters out there – What about “helping” your wife with the house & yard, or your teenagers with their English essays, or your soon-to-be college grad pick among job offers. Why not spend some time managing your finances. Always too busy with “work” (ha) to really do anything with us……
    And also, consider the fact that you are not “rescuing” someone from something sorrowful such as an unwanted pregnancy, you are being bullied/shamed/manipulated into a relationship by someone who was old enough to know to use birth control. And just may be trying to help herself to your money, home, and secure life.

    And to my CH – Be honest about your behavior, you are not busy “rescuing your affair partner, you are busy lying to and betraying your wife and three children.

    Hugs to everyone in chump nation! We may be gullible, but we are loving and loyal – and we should all rather be that way than unprincipled, manipulative and “helpless” OWs –

    • Tired Chump

      His behavior proves he can be loving, caring and attentive…just not to YOU!!

      We do the pick me dance hoping we will receive the attention we know they are capable of giving.

      He is choosing to be who he is – leave him and start your new life without that thing.

    • Tiredchump, I was married 31 years, so I can relate. Just wanted you to know that it is possible to be happy without them. At first I didn’t think so, after all I’d been with my husband since we met at age 16. However, there’s a certain peace that comes when you’re not constantly having to watch over your shoulder for signs of more cheating. Life is much more peaceful.

      I’m so sorry you had to see what he wrote to her after their affair “ended.” I’m sure he didn’t try to hard to hide it. Just remember the only person who can really stop you from getting hurt again is you.

    • You already know what I think about your worthless, POS H, TiredChump… but I want you to know I also got a version of “you are so strong”. At one point when he was feeling all “powerful”, he said.. you know.. this will be good for you too.. give you a chance to do the things YOU want. Right. Like being heartbroken is good, blowing apart the lives of your kids is good, destroying your family and finances is good.

      “It’s for the best”.

      That lamest of lame line. I hate it. The justifications.. the spackling over.. the narcissistic babble.

      You aren’t alone Tiredchump.. I tried to R too.. I hope it goes better for you but am skeptical because of what I’ve been through. Know if we are skeptical, its out of love. Start focusing on YOU TiredChump.

    • Tired Chump, we could be sisters separated at birth, you story is so close to mine, the multiple moves, the long marital history and My Cheaterpants having such a hard time going no-contact with the Schmoopiest Schmoop that was 15 years his junior. Poor Schmoopie had hurt feelings. I was also floored at how ‘bonded’ he felt to the Schmoop after 6 weeks of a romp: it took Mr. Cheaterpants 2 years of courting to ‘open up’ to me.

      My Cheaterpants had a bad cancer diagnosis when he went all romantic for this Dumbsel in distress. (I was told that Schmoopies mother had been mean to her…so Cheaterpants felt compelled to support Schmoopie…the logic boggles the mind.)

      My decision to attempt reconciliation was colored by the fact that Cheaterpants did not have long for this world and I was damned if Schmoopie would end up with 1/2 of our assets after I had done the heavy lifting for 30 years. Cheaterpants lived for another 7 years after his affair with Schmoopie…I don’t know if it was worth the pain. 4 years after we had made yet another geographic move (mostly to put distance between Schmoopie and Cheaterpants), he was trying to reconnect with her on Facebook. Cheaterpants was mystified why I was angry…”I just wanted to know what had happened to her…Schmoopie told me she was going to move to another city and I wanted to know if she had.” At that point I had really had it, I told him to get out of the house that he was all hers… I meant it, but he didn’t move out. I should have moved him out.

      You have to decide for yourself, but sometimes the man you though you were married to has already left the building… Mine was gone the minute he told himself that he had to protect Schmoopies feelings from my wrath.

      • So many similarities with my story, too. Especially the lying about continued contact. When I told him the only way we can even attempt reconciliation is if there is no contact. He claimed he blocked her, but then I get a text from her saying “Hey you’re not supposed to know this but he’s been here before and after work” I stupidly confronted him and got shark-eyes and blameshifting. Because the problem isn’t what he did, but my reaction to it.

    • You aren’t reconciling if he’s still in contact with her. If he’s still disrespecting you by sending her emails, and has fond memories of the time they spent together (no shame), he can’t even fake it like most reconciling cheaters do… You are in what they call ‘false’ reconciliation.

      He wasn’t bullied into cheating with her, he made those choices because it’s who he is. He doesn’t value marriage the same way you do. He’s not a victim, it just makes him look better. It sounds noble.. Him trying to help someone, he got forced into an affair. No choices of his own, just powerful forces of the universe at play. Needing to help the weak, because you’re strong you’ll recognize that he’s a hero not a man whore. (vomit)

      • Exactly. This. It was what I tried explaining to him about choices, values, respect. But no more wasting my breath, or time. It’s not that he doesn’t see, he just disagrees. The reconciliation was false from the getgo, and the entitled attitude that he should be owed reconciliation, well it was doomed from the start.

  • The OW I caught my then H with was divorced and had 5 kids. He said she needed him to help her with stuff around the house, you know, man chores like putting a grill together. When I pressed a little more, he admitted that the grill was delivered assembled. Asshole. Turns out that her husband divorced her because she cheated on him – my cheater didn’t know that little fact but I found it out by reviewing their divorce papers at the courthouse. In the long run, it didn’t matter because I found out later that he was a serial cheater so they were both looking for excuses to screw someone.

  • My cheater had a OW who had a husband who supposedly beat her but she still lived with him in her Park Avenue double apartment. So rather than divorce my cheater and the OW cheated. Brilliant. Now fours years on divorced, they are miserable together!!!

  • So.much.this. My husband told me she was a poor troubled kid and he was trying to mentor her. Took her to doctors appointments. Bought a tire for her car. Fucked her. I’m sure that helped her straighten her life out!

    • “Mentor” is truly a diabolical word for me. Whenever I heard that word, I knew some grandiose visions were setting up shop. Yuck and Phooey!

      • Oh hanecita, his Penis Therapy was so good, he turned her straight! Yep, that’s right, at first he told me she was gay. And I believed him!
        Because I am the chumpiest chump that ever chumped a chump mile in chumpdom.

        • Wow….I’m going to worry now that Penis Therapy doesn’t accidentally target one of those Magical Vagina’s like the one that cured GladItsOver’s Husbands gayness…It could be the potential of the Hadron Collider

  • Mine told me the OW hadn’t had sex in 7 years with her husband. He felt bad for her — and felt he could relate….really??? Not sure how but certainly justified his cheating. Now he lives with her so she has been saved!!! Certainly not a sustainable relationship when it’s based only on sex!! Karma is a bitch!

  • My ex claimed he was not having sex with the main OW, but he was “helping her with her marital problems.” He also said they were not cheating, but were “taking respectable steps to be together” because they were both “Christians” who knew adultery was wrong. LOL! I guess those Christian respectable steps included her hiring a babysitter to watch her kids so she could ball my now-ex husband in the back of our minivan.

  • Glad, isn’t it odd how these narc-cheaters tend to talk in opposites…they are saying the opposite of what they’re actually doing (re: He also said they were not cheating, but were “taking respectable steps to be together” because they were both “Christians” who knew adultery was wrong.) Are they deluding themselves, justifying it in their mind?! Is their own sense of reality so messed up that they really believe themselves, or are they just flat-out telling whoppers?

    Mine often said the opposite of what he was actually doing, as well. This is part of my ongoing trust issue. He could be so convincing, and I wanted to believe him. (Those days are long gone, thankfully.)

    • Lining, I’m not sure about all of them, but I think my ex actually believes a lot of his more delusional nonsense — he has to, otherwise he’d have to face what a loser and horrible person he really is. However, he also does a great deal of flat-out lying, and I am certain he not only knows he is lying in those instances, but he takes great satisfaction out of how skillfully he fools and manipulates people into doing what he wants.

      • I meant to add, I totally understand what you mean by ongoing trust issues. After 20 years of being mind fucked, I find it hard now to fully trust anyone. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, to find out I am being fooled or lied to. Like Marilyn Manson sings, “Whatever doesn’t kill you, is gonna leave a scar.”

        • I bet your ex did believe quite a few of his own lies. Mine did as well. Still does.

          Yes, it’s hard to fully trust, I can definitely relate to waiting for the other shoe to drop. I haven’t really bought into the “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” line, because in my case I’m still slowly putting my life back together. I like Marilyn’s take about it leaving a scar. But still, a scar is better than the festering wound of living with a cheating spouse. I’ll take the scar, any day.

  • My cheater is the one who had the “help me,” strategy. Successful, good-looking, but he, poor thing, was in a troubled marriage with a wife who didn’t love him enough because she was too busy running the household and doing 95% of the parenting while he was off jetting around the world to exotic conference locations, and sitting in coffee shops working and chatting up grad students. Aww, poor little cheater–women just HAD to save him from his mundane existence with a woman who didn’t fully appreciate him.

    I now realize that *I* fell for his “poor me” feigned vulnerability–despite him being a complete a**hole to me about 25% of the time, I was roped in by his vulnerability and little-boy antics. He even tried it during fake reconciliation, “she looked up at me so adoringly when you were so harsh to me (cue sad face).” I’m glad I’d learned my lesson by that point.

    • Thanks, Tempest, for posting this. I realize that one of STBX’s attractions is his “poor sausage” quality. STBX is an unconventionally bright guy–creative, but without the discipline to move from concept to execution. I liked his work ethic, which really is very strong. I thought that translated into reliability, and I bought into his “I’m so unappreciated, I’m under soooo much stress” act. As a result, I tried to do everything in my power to make his home life as stress free as possible.

      His affair showed me that I’d allowed my boundaries to be completely eroded. I realized I had no social life outside of STBX. Since STBX has no hobbies, I dropped mine to spend time with him while he watched television. I used to be involved in both church and civic organizations.

      His affair showed me that he was just using me, and I was grateful for any kibble he deigned to throw my way.

      Not happening anymore!

      • kb, you were married to my x’s twin. My daughter recently got married. All her father could muster up for her wedding was “poor sad sausage” conversations with me, with her and with our son. My son said to me after I asked what he and his father spoke about at the wedding, “he’s worse than he was before”. It was a non-stop poor sausagefest from the x. It’s what he deserves and fortunately my kids are on to him and his sad sausage ways. Did he get kibbles from all of us at the wedding? Yes he did. I wanted her wedding to be about her, if I had to be or play “nice” with the damn ex, then I was going to do it. Did it cost me as much as I had thought it would after 1.5 years of NC, no it did not!!! I saw him for the f*cked up sad, sorry, sausage that he was, and it was an eye opener. x is so completely stuck on himself that it was a pitiful sight to behold. But it was good for me.

  • This reminds me of the female coworker who “was afraid to go to her house alone after there were break-ins in her neighborhood.” My husband called to tell me he was going to go with her to make sure her house was safe before coming home to us, his family. We had been waiting for him to come home for 2 weeks while he was on a “business trip” with her.

    I told him if he didn’t come home immediately he wouldn’t have anything left to come home to. He did come home and things seemed better for awhile…until the next coworker came along.

    Anyway, on another note, a friend of mine’s husband was having an affair with his coworker. He told my friend his coworker was “being abused by her husband and he was just trying to help.” Interestingly, the coworker’s baby turned out to look a lot like my friend’s husband.

    I always find it interesting that cheaters have more “compassion” for their affair partners than they do their own family members.

    • Well said, Lyn. I agree , but add they not only seem to have compassion for the affair partner but every Joe Blow out there who is not their spouse.

      • Mine told me that the OW had no friends and would break down crying in the office over it to him (she is married too). He came up behind me and demonstrated how he gave her a massage to console her and swore that’s the only time he ever touched her. Then later on he said her Mother was sick, so he would call her to help her through it (that’s why so many calls on the phone bill.) Then I saw on her FB that he went to her place to help with her phone cable, he denies that it was him, yet she says his name write in her post. He then confessed to me that he drove her home after drinking at his place (he works out of town and has his own place) and that one night they drank to much and “kissing” only happened when he dropped her off. Fuck, I can’t remember more, it makes me ill……….

  • Overhearing a phone conversation between my XW and maybe female coworker: “He (OM), is sigh a great guy. He hadn’t been in a long term relationship in a long time and needed someone too.”

    OM was married. He divorced his wife because she could have kids. He had a long term girlfriend who gave him a kid but she and their boy are not in n the picture either.

    They deserve each other. As I told my ex just after d-day…. I hope God’s revenge is merciless and his wrath is eternal for both her and him.

  • Well, to me, the most important thing to remember us that they are NOT showing compassion to the other woman, or helping them, or anything that is not self serving. Basically, they are “investing” in a cheap, easy piece of ass with no Real effort and no Commitment. That is all it is. They turn into the same turd for them that they were for you.

    • Yes, I agree. After knowing my ex for 28 years there is no way he will be for her what he never was with me. Our children sense this and say he deserves his new life. Good riddance for sure!

      • Drew, my ex who is 63 does appear to be everything for her and her 2 little boys and more than what he never was for me and our 2 children. That is like a dagger through my heart because my daughter and son have welcomed a girl who is 23 and her sons, and she is13 and 10 years younger than themselves respectively into their lives and “my family” whilst I have been pushed out. I don’t know how it works out like this, I really don’t. However,I do know that my daughter would love what has happened to me. She is very much her father’s daughter.

        • Maree, we can only do our best by our children and sometimes we need to let them go. Mine were a constant witness to a power imbalance, to subtle digs, to comments made about who I was and what I liked to do. Ex made it known in those last years that he did not admire me, he couldn’t when he was knee deep in an adulterous affair. I know children reevaluate the years spent supporting a man/father who in the end would betray us all. They want NOT to believe it. They need to make their own way. Be in relationships that are wonderful and then some that are not. Life experience will help. Your children are spackling too. They would like to believe all his lies and are trying to convince themselves that you were only unlovable, ________fill in the blank, etc., because then that would make sense of his crap behavior. What they don’t know will eventually rear it’s ugly head. They are witness to your ex’s poor behavior but they don’t believe yet that it is all on him. They are fooling themselves, perhaps if they really believe their father really cares about anybody he won’t just walk out on them.The worst thing I did was validate my ex’s existence. I made excuses for his poor behavior right up till Dday. Then I knew that all those things about him that didn’t make sense were because he lacked character. Life is tough Maree. But it is harder living with someone whose default setting is to always denigrate people or to run away. Ex’s new life will seem great at first–sparkly accessories like new partner, with all the bells and whistles -ie good job, money, cars, vacations, even family–will never make it real in the sense that he will ever bring a genuine honest authentic reciprocal person to the table. (Real life case is the Shelton divorce drama here in the States.) My truth is that I wasted my precious time with a man who is simply incapable of respectfully loving another. I don’t buy the he’s going to become a new person… He’s a chameleon on a new rock. You are worth so much more than that. Surround yourself with people who are worthy. In time your kids may come around. If not, their loss. (((Hugs))))

        • I am sorry Maree. It has only been in the last seven or so years, after my Dad wrote me off for being “difficult and full of drama” for me to realize he was a raging narcissist who drove my mother crazy. She has turned into the most laid back person ever, and she was uptight and very controlling when I was growing up. With him gone, she has blossomed. It wasn’t until Dad dumped me for his new wife’s daughters (I am not musical/tall/beautiful enough – I was a single mother of three working my way through school and getting a graduate and masters degrees, then a CPA) that I figured out he was an asshat. I have spent the past several years developing a close relationship with my mom, and we both regret the years we lost because he was such a shitstorm he blinded both of us and we couldn’t truly see each other (me and my Mom). Your kids will come around, maybe like me they are desperately afraid of being rejected, and are doing their own “pick me dance” to keep their Dad. I come to this website to heal from him as much as from my own ex.

  • I got to hear from my Cheaterpants husband, and Schmoopie’s husband, how hurt Schmoopie was by “all of this..” (Meaning, I think, HER decision to get involved with a man married 25 years with 2 children, one developmentally disabled, and then getting ‘dumped.’)

    Wow…I even think they thought I would feel sorry for poor Schmoopie, who got her feelings hurt. At one point Schmoopie’s Cuckold husband was calling me up on behalf of Schmoopie. I told him point blank that Schmoopie, (and my Cheaterpants) had made some really poor decisions, and I didn’t feel sorry for any of them. Then I stopped answering his phone calls.

    It was completely and utterly unreal…Schmoopie was the classic Dumbsel in Distress…..”I had a car wreck (because I was drunk)..please come commiserate with me….” The one that REALLY pissed me off was when Schmoopie and her Cuckold Husband demanded that Mr. Cheaterpants and I enroll our Special Education child in a School other than the one that Schmoopie worked at. Schmoopie was upset that she might have to see me from time to time. And Mr. Cheaterpants wanted to honor this request…. The three of them a Turd Sandwich made entirely of heels.

  • Amazing how similar many of these stories are. In my case, the OWs were not “stupid” in the academic sense but did need help with their dissertations, job searches, recommendation letters…etc. Funny, while I did my dissertation at the same time as my cheater X, I resented it when he tried to help me because it would always be a grand lecture and criticism on how he didn´t understand how I had made it so far without him (we met as doctoral students at a very prestigious university). But I did help him on everything from crafting the perfect email for a job search, to editing most of his written work. I also helped him on how to look good for a public presentation and I ended up mediating between him and colleagues when his narcissistic rages interfered with his professional advancement. Many colleagues have told me that they kept in touch with us as a copule, because of ME not because of him and some even say that I was really the smart one of the couple, even though I was hiding behind his “amazing brilliance”. Now that he has gone off with an OW who is beginning her academic career though she is 45, and can´t speak a word of English, it is crazy to see how he has to help her with everything that I used to help him with (including writing in English, which is not our native language). After Dday, he said to me that “I was strong” referring to my possibly quick recovery, while his poor good OWhore was cheated on by her exhusband and left alone to fend for her 6 year old daughter! So, he is rescuing a chump- turned OW? And now helping her with her career so he can feel needed?

    Fortunately, there is a happy ending to all of this, and the more no contact and distant I am from him, the more academic recognition and opportunities I receive. My life is so awesome now, it is like the bad luck was taken away and everything is flowing again. Meanwhile needy OW will probably loose her shitty job and maybe even try to get pregnant, which will make him have to be in charge of at least 4 kids (ours, their´s and the OW´s )!

  • My ex’s AP had assets he was after, you know, other than new pussy and him feeling “valued.” Then her family forcefully bought her share out. My ex wasn’t her first apparently. It was interesting that their early relationship mirrored ours. Same MO, Long distance, even down to the number of miles, dates, courtship(all while married to me and a father to three adolescents), though photos and activities were posted online for all the world to see. My ex even upgraded his new status on FB to reveal his new love (yup, while still married to me and living the lie). This was quite the eye opener. LiningUpDucks got this right, “checked out” and lining up his new life. I did get, “You were always happier without me” and truth is I was. He was so miserable. Looking back, I never realized how stupid he was. He did however date anybody who’d sleep with him in HS and those girls were a stupid bunch too. I believe AP was after his great life, money, and medical, and she needed to ditch her son and get away from her judgmental family. Poor helpless woman. They are married now which is KARMA. 😀 Funny stuff.

  • Quick vent:

    OW wanted to help Loki with the kids (5 of them including a baby) while I was away… She never offered to help me with the kids when he was away.
    OW wanted the kids in the divorce. They wanted their mother. Her compromise: “Let’s just keep the baby.”
    OW recently quit her job to be a SAHM for the collective seven children.
    OW gripes when I am late with the child support… “We could use that money.”
    OW basically fired me, replaced me & wants me to pay her salary.
    Shit. Damn. Hello.

    • Wow, nothing like Disordered’s ENTITLEMENT. Yeah my ex has an ongoing relationship with my parent because he thinks I don’t deserve my half of the pension. WTF, right?!?! ;D

    • With that that handle,he’s gotta be. Nothing says “Wisconsin” like cheese. Or maybe beer. Lol

  • I Gotta ask: Why do they always say, “It JUST happened”….like it was beyond their control. Something like…having it rain after you just wash your car.

    • My ex said those exact words to describe to me his behaviour after he went to Cambodia 2 years ago with a pocket full of condoms and had sex with a few bar girls and all he had to do was buy them a drink. I reminded him that teenagers said that type of stupid statement and he stopped speaking whilst not being able to look me in the eye.

  • FYI…. its not just the helpless OW…. my wife had a long relationship with ex BF from high school…. (she denies sex) but got caught with 26 year old… (another subject)…. but her ex was unstable and drug user… he needed her help!!!! That being her lie about her involvement with him!!! Helpless in need of help!!! Sorry bunch of people these cheaters!!!!

  • To cheaters & Trolls,
    My ancestor’s stern impassioned steps will pave a path for my children to follow. You mock my Puritan values & If I ever get a chance, I will push you right off the boat miles from Ellis island. We don’t fuck with the founding fathers. And if you have to fuck married men… then you can have my Daddy. He was 25 years US Army and he knows how to balance the scales.

  • On the cartoon; at grocery yesterday I was waiting for this rather unhappy woman to finish up at the deli counter and I coughed a bit, she looked at me so oddly that I said “don’t worry it’s a sinus issue, nothing contagious”. Her response? “Bless your heart” in the nasty tone, wish I could say I laughed at her but I just said “you know I think I am coming down with something” and coughed some more. Yay, she went away…now what is the best come back for that insult to your face? Come ya’ll, I know you can think of a good way to deal with someone like that 🙂

    • OMG – rofl, Dat. I would have pulled an Elaine (Seinfeld), grabbed the phone out of her hand and rubbed it between my crotch and handed it back to her, saying you believe that wards off the evils of a cough.

  • My ex actually used the excuse “She’s a stripper trying to leave the life and working her way through med school” to justify his behavior. Right.

  • I am maybe the one millionth comment on this absolutely brilliant article but here goes. OMG THIS IS ALL SO FUCKING TRUE!!! This is EXACTLY what happened to me. OW (only a friend of course) was so helpless, always so helpless, could hardly do one single damn thing on her own despite her self reported genius IQ. (she’s a narc too) and stbx spent countless hours “helping” her while I kept the household running at home. He even lamented that I was so very independent. That I didn’t need him. WTF?! I NEEDED him to be a father to his kids! I needed him to be a husband to his wife!

    Screw it, they can have each other, they certainly deserve each other. What a cluster-fuck that will be.

    • OMG Chump Nation although Linn is a troll of sorts, her husband really did have an affair in fact it’s been ongoing for two and a half years with a lady that used to work for the same company Linn (Lindsey) as well as myself work for in Nashville ,Ten. she honestly believes that the affair is over but everybody in the office knows if thats not true. it is also rumored that this now stay at home mom of three that he is been having this affair with has a child by him thats 16 months old. She states that she’s waiting on him to finalize his divorce as soon as their youngest graduates high school in 2016. I know that this is the same person because I overheard Lindsey today three cubicles down from me say that she was fed up with chump lady and was going to respond in a post on today’s story. she doesn’t even know it …she’s the biggest chump of them all.Maybe I would have kept my mouth shut earlier but after her last little fiascos from earlier I don’t think I am any more .Jokes on you….. Welcome to chump club . You’ll be singing a different song soon. ROTFLMAO ! SORRY (not sorry)

      • K – LOL that’s hilarious. I’m glad you spoke up. Although I feel bad for Lindsey somewhat because she doesn’t see what’s headed down the pike. If she was smart, she’d leave him now before he abandons her. Sometimes when people hit close to home, anger sets in because they are so close to the truth.

  • Lilly Bart

    Were you referring to a lack of emotional connection when they fuck strange think it’s pay dirt. Like pigs in a pen. That’s great imagery.

  • My first dday was stbx saying, “Beth needed to talk,” because she obviously had some important crisis that needed his attention at 3am when I had been calling him repeatedly, having no idea where he was at that hour. I knew in my heart that he wasn’t telling the whole truth, but I went into a months-long denial hoping that everything would be ok. He also “had” to give her a ride home since she’d gotten a DWI. Boo hoo! He said, “she’s a REAL person” after I finally found out more of the story. I obviously meant nothing to him. So glad that fucking asshole is gone.

    • (I know I sound like a broken record) They are loving the Drama!
      She’s not more ‘real’ than you, and Wow, what a deep insult to your soul. She just brings more Drama than you. AP’s purposely make that stuff up, X’s AP took pills FOUR times, and was hospitalized. He wanted me to join him in visiting her! I had the presence of mind to say ‘Heck No!’ I started asking him why she didn’t just step in front of a train – it’s more efficient! Sorry that’s mean, but she was seriously evil.
      I agree with Donna, you deserve better, as we all do. Onward to peace, and a better life!

  • My x had the “knight in shining armor” syndrome. Unfortunately for me and for the various OWs (NOT) all he had was the “knight in shining tin foil”.

  • Reading so many stories I realize that many time the cheaters are addicted to the chase and romance and find marriage boring. They want dating and flirting forever! Combine that immature view of love with selfish entitlement and you have a cheater.

    • Lady, I absolutely agree. My STBXH is emotionally stuck at a teenage or younger level. He literally does not understand that normal relationships move out of the intense, adrenaline phase into calmer waters where there is still attraction, but a foundation of shared commitment. He uses marriage as a cover.

      • Janus–I think Handout Boy is around 13. Which isn’t even really the dating stage. It’s the “hang out and watch MTV on his mom’s shabby plaid couch and pass notes in class” stage.

        “I stare at you from afar and daydream about you but never have to take you anywhere or pay money to do something for you.”

        That’s definitely Handout Boy. Probably the reason why he prefers online EA’s and porn rather than humans.

  • Sorry to be off topic but does anyone know about HIPPA? The x texted today after three years NC except for legal reasons. He’s annoyed because my health insurance co has been accidentally sending him copies of my private EOB”s from the entirely separate policy I took over with cobra. It was traumatic enough dealing with medical issues when we were married and through the divorce. Sheer cruelty. If I couldn’t flaunt great success after leaving I thought at least I’d be free from that torment. The insurance co. is “investigating” how this happened and the woman I spoke with agreed it is a breach of HIPPA. He might as well have read my journals for the last three years. I told him immediately when his cell phone alerts showed on my email, I didn’t want to see them. He didn’t do anything about that for a year and only because new thing changed companies. What a convenient way for him to trash me all this time without my knowing. If I’d been able to chart the trajectory of his misery I’d be fine too.

    • He was so cold. That text. Like he was asking me to remove all unsightly remnants of myself from his kingdom. I guess he doesn’t have any reason to wonder, he’s been privvy to every sickening detail of my medical history for the last three years. He just wants the shit stain off his underwear.