A alert chump sent me this trailer for a cinematic pick-me-dance blockbuster in the Philippines, “Etiquette for Mistresses.” The film is based on the best-selling book by Jullie Yap Daza, “Etiquette for Mistresses: And What Wives Can Learn From Them.”
So much, Jullie. So much. Such as “It’s okay to leave your thong in other people’s beds.” Or “STDs are imaginary when you only sleep with Good People.” Gosh, I learned so much from the Other Woman. Why, if it wasn’t for her, I never would have known my husband was cheating on me! I should send that bitch flowers.
Anyway, the movie… “Etiquette for Mistresses.” Let’s start with the premise — etiquette? Seriously? Etiquette is the language of good manners. Respect, consideration, and kindness are at the heart of good manners. The whole point is not to offend others.
So what is “Etiquette for Mistresses”? Fucking my husband with your pinky extended?
Jullie, what’s next? Honor for Thieves? Thank You Notes for Sociopaths?
There is nothing kind or considerate about screwing other people’s spouses. But I suppose it’s a clever gimmick if you want to set the women’s movement back in the Phillipines by a hundred years.
Little girls of the Philippines — when you grow up you can be a doctor, a lawyer, OR a mistress! Let some paunchy old businessman foot your bills, while you shop at Chanel all day and hot wax your genitals. Those girls who grow up to be doctors and lawyers, let them be chumps! (More household income = more Manolo Blahniks for you!) Who needs differential equations when you can have blonde extensions and peek-a-boo underwear sets! Get out of school now while your tits are still firm! Find a sugar daddy today!
(Somewhere Elizabeth Cady Stanton is weeping.)
So what are the rules of being a Phillipino mistress according to Jullie Yap Daza?
- Avoid the wife.
- Don’t complain.
- You will never be #1.
You’re a side dish fuck and that’s all you’ll ever be. So suck it up, avoid the Mrs., and hope you don’t age out of the system before you get that apartment paid for. Hey, you might be a pathetic little blow up doll with Daddy’s charge cards, but you have a lot to teach his wife!
So chumps, I put it to you — what can mistresses teach us?
No blow jobs with your elbows on the table?
Never wear latex after Labor Day?
The whip goes to the left of the seafood fork?