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UBT: “I’m unable to remain faithful to my perfect husband.”

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awkwardToday’s Universal Bullshit Translator tidbit is this Salon article: “I’m the woman you met on Ashley Madison — How the rush of infidelity led to affairs online.” (You can all stop sending it to me now, okay?)

It’s ghastly and too long to UBT in its entirety, however, all the comments seem to confirm that a) such “journalism” is clickbait, and b) the author is a whackadoodle. (“Betty Andrews” is a fake name. The bio link results in a 404 error.) But I simply couldn’t resist the lurid tease: Unable to remain faithful to my perfect husband, I turned to the site for intensity, escape — and sex.

Betty, I’m not sure you should be partnered up with “perfect.” You clearly have very little in common with Perfect.

I think Betty senses this, which is why she’s trawling for low-life kibbles on Ashley Madison. Reading this breathy sexcapade is like playing a game of Sociopath Bingo.

Glib, superficial charm? Check.

Easily bored? Check.

Risk-taking and impulsive? Check.

Exploitative? Check.

Grandiose? Check.

Without remorse? Check again! BINGO!

(What do you win at Sociopath Bingo? Cash? A luggage set of issues? Bail?)

Anyway… to the UBT.

About a year ago, I found myself overcome by ennui.

Horrors. Boredom! I can’t think of a better reason to destroy people’s lives than… ennui. What will you do next should your days be stultifying? Napalm villages? Cripple orphans?

Having been unfaithful to my (handsome, hilarious and very nearly perfect) husband in the past, I was familiar with the buzz of infidelity, and I wanted to get high again. I’d read about the Ashley Madison website in a magazine article a year or two before, filing the data away for potential future use. Not long after, I looked online to see what the website purported to deliver. As a woman, my registration was free. My interest was immediately piqued.

Right away we know we’re dealing with a freak. Who reads about Ashley Madison and “files away” this information for later?! Gee, I was reading about securities fraud the other day, and thought to myself… insider trading!.. That could be useful! I should check that out.

I surfed the profiles of men I never doubted to be real. I looked for handsome faces, some semblance of professional success, and proper grammar/punctuation.

Never cheat with someone who doesn’t use the Oxford comma.

It wasn’t quite like shopping for shoes at Nordstrom, where everything is beautifully displayed and screams “Buy me! Buy me!” — but the selection was certainly better than the Goodwill thrift shop down the road.

Because shopping for people is so like shopping for shoes.

I initiated contact with a few men I found attractive. We exchanged AM messages and then moved the conversation to our personal email accounts. Only then would I provide my real name and a photo. I continued with vague explanations of my extramarital pursuit, but was clear that my husband was the one for me, with no intention of destroying anything on anyone’s home front.

Of course you Never Intended to Hurt Your Husband. Marriages are never destroyed by multiple affairs. You can fuck around all you want! — what’s important here are your intentions.

Yet there was still a deeply addictive quality to it all.

Kibbles, kibble, kibbles…

One man once asked me if all the Internet attention “gave me high self-esteem.” I can say with confidence that non-specific, voluminous “likes” and “winks” and generic compliments had very little effect on my own self-worth.

Yeah, your self-esteem is a bulwark of grandiosity. You clearly don’t need any help on the self-worth front.

I wish it were that easy. Interestingly, men kept telling me how “normal” I seemed.

It’s called “The Mask of Sanity.” Google it.

This was the closest to flattered that I felt, a form of reassurance that despite this totally inappropriate, amoral and dishonest venture, I was still A-OK at my core. In hindsight, I recognize “normal” as code for “real” — not a sex worker, not a robot, but a regular woman.

Sex workers get paid. That’s at least rational. Being “inappropriate, amoral, and dishonest” because of ennui? That’s fucked up.

Raise children together. Grow old together. In sickness and in health. For better or worse. So we got married. And I was faithful. For almost a year.

Entire months of monogamy? Bitch cookie.

He’s married to his college sweetheart, and his wife became pregnant with their third child over the course of our friendship. Having had one extramarital relationship with a single woman he met on OkCupid, he turned to Ashley Madison in search of chemistry with an already-partnered woman. He told me that he didn’t feel like he was getting what he needed from his marriage, wanting more in the way of emotional intimacy. He was also open to more varied sexual experiences.

That poor man. Married to a woman caring for three small children who could not be 100 percent emotionally available. Nor could she be a buffet of sexual partners, possessing only one episiotomy-scarred vagina. It’s noble of you to relieve that man of his suffering.

Texas Ranger and I have been in some version of a relationship for nearly a year now. At times it has enhanced my marriage, inspiring me to go down on my husband,

Well that seems like a fair trade off. You cheat and your husband gets the occasional “inspired” blow job.

reminding me that my man is as good as it gets. And at other times this relationship totally undermines my marriage, creating resentment over my responsibilities and time constraints, making me question my chosen life path.

He’s as “good as it gets” until… you resent him. And all of this makes you question your “chosen life path”? What are you, a Jedi warrior? Who says this shit? Your “chosen life path” is serial cheater. And you seem pretty cool with it.

Technically speaking, Texas Ranger and I have no future together. He loves his girlfriend and intends to propose marriage. I love my husband and intend to become pregnant with another child.

Please don’t breed. PLEASE. Spare the innocents!

But I just can’t give him up.

Cake is so delicious.

For one, I sincerely like him, but also there’s an addictive quality to it all. I crave him, I get my fix, and then I want more. My insatiable appetite, not just for the sex, but for the whole confusing mix of physical and emotional feelings, persists.

As a sociopath, it’s hard to feel. Perhaps you need total chaos and disaster to feel even the mildest stirrings of emotion. You want a confusing mix of physical and emotional feelings? Try betrayal. Please go live with the other soulless zombies and leave your chump out of it.

Maybe it’s the escape from real life. The exploration of something new. The thrill of falling for someone else. But ironically, there’s also a very isolating quality to infidelity. There is no one to talk to about it all, to reflect on my actions, to process the big picture. I can’t talk to my lover about my husband. I can’t seek advice for marital spats or discuss fertility woes. And I can’t talk to my husband about my lover. I can’t brag to him about the amazing sex, or cry to him with the heartbreak that is being involved with a man who loves someone else.

You poor sausage. You can’t brag to your husband about the amazing sex you have with other men who aren’t him. He can’t comfort you when your fuckbuddy shares his kibbles with someone else. That must really suck.

I like how your husband would get to hear about how great the other men fuck, but the other men would just get to hear about your “marital spats.” Really sporting of you.

None of it makes any sense to me yet…

Me neither. I hope a divorce summons clears things up soon.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • But CL made it worthwhile right?

      I think she published it because she wants to tell someone that she’s living in here own really crappy soap opera.

      • I think Her Blondness was referring to Salon, who originally published this steaming pile of manure, not to CL for putting part of it through the UBT.

      • I quite enjoyed it. It sheds lovely light when it goes through the UBT. Much better than the the other crap out there like, “Go back to your husband, Serve him with all your might. Forget about the other man. You are better than this!” She’s not. He deserves better than a sociopath who should not, under any circumstances, bread.

      • To clarify, I’m not referring to CL’s article/s or site content either. There’s clearly a marketing push behind all these “articles” featuring cheaters’ pathetic tales. Who’s to say the Salon article wasn’t written by an ad agency? Narc appetites = $$$ and the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.

        • Exactly. I bet this article was written by Avid Life Media PR, trying to convince people that there are actual women on the site. The writer’s reference to being a ‘real woman, not a robot or sex worker’ is too weird in context otherwise. It smacks of a PR piece, with Salon placement sold to the highest bidder (Avid).

          • That’s a good observation and a valid point. You’re right that the article basically regurgitates the AM concept lock, stock, and barrel.

  • “Inspired blow jobs” ahahaha!!! – freaking funny!!! Reminds me that I had way more experience and sex drive than my cheater. That made my day what a sad cow.

    Shame there rest of her shit was depressing and made me feel disillusioned with the world.

    • The ow (neighbor and friend) once asked me if she and my husband could go to an out of town football game together (this was during my evidence gathering days, when I knew something was happening and they thought they were fooling people by pretending they were only friends). I said “nope, not cool”. Then she said to me ( I shit you not) “if you let him go to the game with me I bet he will come home and give you the ride of your life”
      Riiiight …. me giving you two the blessing to go on a date is surely going to make him horny and then he will come home and f*ck his wife for a change.

      • Wow mim, that is truly messed up!!!

        But you can kinda look at it another way, she assumed your husband was capable of giving you the ride of your life, who knows, maybe she thought he was amazing. I have been cheated on a few times and these were the sort of guys who were NOT good at pleasing a woman, it seems they are just as selfish in bed as everything else. Oh yeah it you think its great when you’re in love, but when that’s gone and realise that they’re not even good at that thing either.

    • Heh-heh! I’m also cracking up over the “inspired blow job” remark and was
      wondering how that would play out. Would it include flag waving? The 1812 Overture? A marching band?

  • My question: Why can’t these assholes just find each other from the beginning and leave us out of it? What is it about our personalities that gets us involved with these people to begin with? Life would be so much easier if cheaters just hooked up with cheaters and normal people just hooked up with normal people. Cheaters seem to feast on drama and attention — let them share all that among themselves.

    Is there a Da Vinci Code for unlocking whether people are more prone to cheat out there that somebody could reveal?

    I know, I’m asking for explanations that probably don’t exist. You just read this crap, read other sociopathic explanations from cheaters on the internet, and listen to the ridiculous excuses that your cheating spouse gives you and you just say to yourself — how in the “F” did I marry somebody like this?

    • Exactly the thoughts that ran through my head, Lost2015 (though you articulated them much more eloquently than I could have). DaVinci code indeed.

    • Other narcissists arent capable of providing the same quality of kibbles. I have started to think that the best way to make sure you dont end up with one of these wackos is to insist on reciprocity from the very begining. Reciprocity is narcissist Kryptonite.

      • THIS Marezy! And I won’t be insisting on reciprocity, I’ll just be expecting it, and observing whether it comes spontaneously to the person I’m with. It’s all about the character!

      • “Reciprocity is narcissist Kryptonite.”
        Mazey doats nailed it!
        A friend of mine going through nearly the same thing as I am right now, was venting last month and gave me a beautiful five minute soliloquy on how all he wants is reciprocity. I have to say it was first time I actually thought about it and now I look for it everywhere. Rarely do I find it, but at least I’m looking.

        • Marezy doats & KArenE & AllOutofKibble, great insights thank you! Beyond realizing “Reciprocity is narcissist Kryptonite,” fixing my picker will probably require quite a bit in terms of learning and recognizing what “expecting reciprocity” looks like in romantic relationships.

          • The man I married a few weeks ago…I met him when we were much younger and I wasnt “fascinated enough” by him. he was just “so nice”…I thought that anyone you were in a LTR with would be “nice” so I went with the “bad boy” and paid dearly for that mistake for 26+ years. When cheaterpantsbadboy died, I was reunited with Nicegreatguy. I feel really blessed to have had a second chance at love with a decent human. (Nicegreatguys first wife was a selfish narc…the one who didnt even try to make sure he was OK after his office building was blown up on 9/11)

      • An excellent point and definitely something to look for more in the future — reciprocity. Another would be the ability to show empathy for others.

    • Lost2015, I was recently told in answer to the same question that in the old “opposites attract” theory humans are either givers or takers. Narcs of course being the takers with a sixth sense for finding givers & vice versa. This was an unsatisfying answer to me. Ditto on the reciprocity & empathy signals. On the go forward, I’ll also ask more direct FOO questions when dating & not ignore anything that makes me feel uncomfortable by “hoping for the best…” Another red flag for me is lack of apologies when clearly appropriate, the “I’m sorry YOU feel that way” apology, or someone who never apologizes for anything & just considers their wrongdoings “learning from experience/the universe” or some other BS : P

  • Another self serving sack of shit ‘ bored’ with the staus quo. You are fucking bored? BORED? !!!!!!You know what these fuckers need? A long hard day at work…. In a third world country…digging fucking holes for water wells so kids dont fucking die of dehydration from the parasitic induced diarrhea they suffer. Thats what these fuckers need. On their fucking knees in the dirt… Closer to whatever God they conveniently prescibe to but never practice. Oh but they have their charities and lunches… You good fucking samaritan you. Spoiled self fucks who’s shopping sprees became lackluster…. Pass me the fucking stun gun… I will tag her ass and when she wakes up in Rwanda I will hand her a shovel.

    • ^^This!^^

      Ex used to whine about how tough his job (which was his dream job to start out with) was, sorting that mail, good money, six weeks paid vacation, could basically call in sick whenever he wanted a day off, not to mention his female co-workers that he seemed to dote on so much.

      Would have liked to seem him digging ditches outside in all kinds of weather for low pay and maybe two weeks vacation. Or get drafted in time of war.

      He was also treated golden around the house, most of his pay check for himself, good health, good looks, but he wasn’t haaaaaapeeeee!

    • Oh shit that is funny TheClip!!!! I needed a good laugh today!

      I imagine they eventually do feel like they woke up in a third world country after the divorce is final and the dust has settled…satan started begging me to ‘just let it go’ and let him move ‘back home’ shortly after he realized it was really happening – divorce.

      We are so much better off away from these disordered assholes!

    • Brilliant. Reminds me of Peggy Guggenheim, who opened an art museum because her kids were off at boarding school and she had too much time on her hands. First word problems, yo.

    • “Pass me the fucking stun gun… I will tag her ass and when she wakes up in Rwanda I will hand her a shovel.”

      Spit my coffee out funny as shit, Clip…cough…cough…hack….thanks for the morning laugh!!

    • Oh TheClip, you have me laughing so hard (and that’s saying something because between CL amd chump nation there are some fucking hilarious comments today!). You GO GIRl!

  • This reminds me of Elizabeth Gilbert’s ode to her wandering vagina that CL put through the UBT a few months ago. Just more proof that cheaters are really all the same: soulless thrillseekers.

    • Gilbert needs to tether that vagina. Wandering, stray vaginas get put in the vagina shelter, where they get evaluated for disease, get first shots, a temperament test, and spayed so they don’t reproduce. After all, the vagina shelters realize that responsible vagina owners are careful about reproduction, but if someone lets their vagina wander, well, then, there could be problems.

      • OMG — just snorted diet coke all over my keyboard! Thanks for the PSA (Sara McLaughlin song in the background, maybe?) and laugh!

      • I hate when my vagina gets away from me! Especially after its been groomed! Spend all that money to get it groomed and its hoping fences and rolling in mud. Hate that.
        Fuuuuunnnny stuff!

  • What an attention WHORE!
    I think that these people are unable to attach to their partners and love them in a normal way. Her spouse is a useful prop in her life’s drama – and nothing else.

    I agree – get out the shovels and send them somewhere where they may be of use.

    She made it a whole fucking year – well, get out the gold stars for her !

    Another stellar waste of oxygen on this planet. I have some questions for God when the time comes!

  • YaaaaawwwWWWnnnnn!! The banality of all these same people: the cheating, the lies, their “horrible marriages” that make them cheat. I’m guessing this Betty-ho is just as fake as that lame name. The whole letter is likely just as fake as the “40,000 women” on the Ashley Madison trash site that “she” supposedly used. I bet that douchebag AM CEO who quit/got fired wrote that letter. What else does he have to do right now but wonder how he’ll survive after being sued by all those paying douchebag male “clients?” Yeah. “Betty.”

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3252427/How-40-000-women-Ashley-Madison-shared-just-six-email-addresses-owned-cheating-website-itself.html

      • I wouldn’t be surprised if it were real; narcissists LOVE the attention, and see nothing wrong in what they do, they’re quite proud of it. Esther Perel is certainly an example. And there were SOME real women on AM!

        • It’s just us chumps who have a hard time believing there are people who really think like this. It’s so totally different than how our minds work.

        • After taking out all the robots and fake profiles, it appears that there were around 9,000 real women on AM who were actively using the site. That is a fraction compared to the number of men, but it’s still a lot of nasty women cheaters.

          But her awkward mention of being a ‘real woman, ‘not being a robot or sex worker’ is really strange….sounds like a PR piece to me, to convince men that there are actual women on the site.

  • The whole self-esteem line is revealing. You have to have a sense of self for that to work. The sort of self that respects oneself including one’s choices. I am not surprised this behavior does not boost her self-esteem. She sounds highly messed up!

    And I would add the correct word is not “amoral” but “immoral” for this behavior. She knows what she is doing is wrong. This person just does not care how her nasty choices could and do really hurt her husband.

  • Oh Chump Lady, I thought I loved you before, but now I adore you. You share my loathing of the Oxford comma!

    As for this cheater, the only thing I have to say about her is that only boring people complain they’re bored.

    • Sorry Lulu — I love the Oxford comma too. I shouldn’t have associated it with cheaters, but I couldn’t think of a better punctuation illustration. Sorry to crush your CL appreciation. 😉

      • I just found a great example of why the Oxford comma is necessary to avoid confusion. This from a newsfeed: “Top stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute; Obama-Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set…”

        • This is why I love this place. Where else can I enjoy a spirited discussion on the necessity for the Oxford comma while also savouring a UBT translation?

          By the way, I’m in the “love the Oxford comma” camp!

          • It’s a list, but without the comma, the 2nd & 3rd items become confusing. Likewise I could say, “I like to eat apples, crackers and cheese,” but if I only like crackers by themselves and cheese by itself, no Oxford comma makes the sentence ambiguous at best.

      • Ah well. At least we agree that this article was bullshit. Fortunately, the commentators on Salon can always be relied upon for roasting people like this.

      • Thank you so much for your comments after each one. I laughed and laughed and its nice to do that after my 30 year marriage ended with my husband leaving me after I finally received the good news that my stage 3 cancer was in remission . So to laugh 2 years later is such pure joy. TY

        • Tracy–Yeah for your cancer being in remission!! Think of it as a win-win: You’re healthy and fucktard-free!

  • Vile. Just vile. A window into the mind of a sociopath. I guess the pseudo intellectual rationalization is what they do best. After all you’d have to be good at mental acrobatics to be so selfish and entitled and still think of yourself as a decent person who deserves pity for not being good person. The fallacy in that logical is blinding.

  • i am going out on a limb here. I think she was molested as a kid. She has all the hallmarks……glib, living on the surface, inability to commit, hyper, addictive behaviors and more. I would think bipolar but this appears to be a “lifestyle” for her. This is not going to end well. Just like Josh, I wish someone could alert her husband. And yet, and yet……he has forgiven her twice. Narc. behaviors for sure. No remorse. Wow! For grammar lovers this is my brain on eeewwww!

    • Last I checked, grandiosity, entitlement and selfishness are NOT the hallmarks of people who were molested a children. MUCH more likely, when there are long-term effects, to be depressed or anxious, and experience excessive guilt, rather than the lack of it. I’ve never seen any research connecting narcissism or sociopathy to childhood sexual abuse – if there is some, let me know ’cause I’d like to be up to date!

      • KarenE, we are all a combination of nature and nurture. We have to have the propensity for something, and the trigger to cause it. People who were molested as children run the gamut of depression/suicide to acting out. This woman has the same need for the “rush” as someone who does extreme sports. The difference is that one is done in secret. She enjoys the secrets. They give her power. Children who are molested feel powerless. I said I was going out on a limb. I am certainly not making excuses for her behavior. I think it is vile.

        • Tempest – that’s a good “in a nutshell” definition of a narcissist.

          And, yup – that’s my ex – an emotionally overindulged, princely child with secretive behavior – to avert consequences, He can do no wrong in parents’ eyes… He is so perfect… Family is also non-communicative, very traditional, They have no idea about their real son.

          I always thought he was like his parents and on the non-communicative side, I always initiated the emotional conversations – but he could talk world politics and any number of other subjects with ease.

          – He’s addicted to secrets, it’s a way of life with no consequences. And it is something that is most definitely from childhood.

        • This article scares me, because stbxh totally does this with our son. And his father did it to him. I hope my influence will prevail. I’d be so upset if DS starts exhibiting narc traits. He doesn’t now but he’s only 5. I’m so glad you shared this so I know to look out for it.

  • I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. What a filthy little soulless piece of narcissistic shit. She lasted one whole year before cheating the first time…patting herself on the back for that one wtf?

  • “Never cheat with someone who doesn’t use the Oxford comma.”

    I’m pretty sure this is why we should be friends. LOVE this.

    And, for all that is holy, cheaters, learn to use contractions. Your is the possessive. As in “your grammar is terrible.” You’re means you are. As in “you’re an idiot if you continue to mess this up after about age 10.”

    Oh, and cheaters, learn, like, how to make better decisions, and stuff…

  • Absolutely fabulous UBT chump lady! And, ok, I’m googling the “mask of sanity” next….

    I only read about narcissists, sociopaths, & psychopaths usually after some horrific mass murder in an attempt to wrap my brain around such horrible tragedies, until this year! The horrors of never imagining that someone I loved or was close to could just move through life, choose deception as a lifestyle, up and destroy marriages, long time relationships, and friendships, and move on to the next sucker almost as if these commitments never existed in the first place. It is how I found CN, and a deeper understanding of these personality profiles in the context of everyone’s personal stories. I couldn’t be more powerful.

    This UBT is a window into a contemporary disordered thought process utilizing modern technology. Some deep shit addictions started when porn flooded the internet and AM just takes it one step further into a strange abyss…

    I mean really, who thinks it is sad they cant talk to their spouse about what great sex they are having with an affair person? Really?

    We are living in strange times, and there is some strange media that is profiting from telling it like the affair media, themselves.

    I read a story that a huge number of women (thousands) on AM all share 6 email addresses – that they are totally fake women and are contacting and luring in with boilerplate affair-speak. If that’s true, not only have people been exposed, but they have been duped, too. That’s kind of karmic…

    • Ha! oh my, correction: “It couldn’t be more powerful”. – reading and understanding the experiences shared here on chump lady’s site.

  • I am still thinking about this little piece of humanity ( hard to classify her as a woman and she sure isn’t a lady).

    Why is it that these people seem to flourish and run around somewhat unscathed while us normal everyday chumps hold things together?

    I know that my Father had some serious narc tendancies and that my Mother held up the marriage like a one man band for the most part.
    So I guess codependent me thought that my marriage was normal – sigh.

    I still want to go back in time and kick myself in the ass for accepting what I did over the years.

    I pray that my kids don’t use our marriage as a guideline as to what a marriage is supposed to be.

    I also hope that twinkle twat who wrote this article gets hit by a large truck and has a Faboulous life insurance policy before she reproduces 😉

  • L’ennui… My ex suffered from it, so he did all this within a couple of years: travel abroad with a foreigner, break his leg there, panick his whole family and me until we could fly him back, keep his secret for six more months, be dumped and expect me to comfort him, spend half the nights texting, tell me he wants out, change his mind but rent an appartment, communicate every night with more ladies and pay a language teacher to help him interpret their messages, demand to visit every single village on weekends, announce that he will start an online business, decide that after all he will be a tourist agent, find no convenient course, take 2 weeks of vacation to travel with another single lady from Moscow, get the separation from me as a consequence, decide that he will be a homeland security expert, eat only processed meals to save money, decide that he will move to another region, change his mind and decide to buy a house nearby. I don’t know what’s next…

    Seriously… help me figure out in what way this mess is better than being at our beautiful sunny home, free of worries… oO

  • Veering somewhat off topic here—-

    I have found myself sitting on the distant sidelines of a brewing affair….

    The slore writer whines that she can’t ‘share’ the details of her betrayal with anyone…..Not everyone is so discrete.

    I have a friend who is 72 and her same age friend, “J” has been married for eons to a reportedly horribly verbally abusive man. “J” spends time in a ‘chat room’, I am not sure if it is game site related or what. She has launched herself into an emotional affair with a man who lives across the country. He gets hyper jealous if another man in the chat room addresses her with a benign ‘Hi hon,’ when she joins the discussion. Red flag anyone?

    “J” has NEVER MET this man but she’s all aflutter that she needs to get a passport because he asked her to go to Costa Rica with him. He won’t travel to her location for their initial meeting because he hates to fly (uh, how else does one get to Costa Rica? Red flag anyone?) “J” is asking my friend to take her to get the passport. She got her DAUGHTER IN LAW to run a background check on him. Her. own. daughter. in. law.

    My point is: this woman has gotten into an emotional affair with a man who she met in a chat room and is involving people in her deception–her best friend and her daughter in law–and heaven knows who else to aid and abet her.
    Can you imagine how her husband will feel about his daughter in law if he learns she cooperated in ‘clearing’ the OM?

    So here we have a woman in her 70’s who is contemplating just walking out the door from her marriage. Planning to either go to OM’s home state of Arizona or a foreign country to meet him for the first time.

    The thought process (or lack thereof) behind this boggles my mind.

    My friend is well aware of my feelings about cheaters. I haven’t told her that I don’t want to know about it because honestly, I am just sitting back– amused and waiting for the fallout.

    BTW–“J” figures that if it doesn’t work out, she will move in with her actively dating unmarried son. Son hasn’t been consulted about this prospect. My friend said that if he won’t take her in, she will. Her husband hasn’t been consulted about that prospect. Utterly ridiculous, isn’t it?

    • Yes, ridiculous to all of us cold headed people who see trouble rushing her way.
      In her mind, she is a heroin who is ready for a big adventure, ready to escape her boring routine. She wants to meet the man. It will be fantastic. They will see each other from a distance, walk in slow motion, and then he will sweep her off her feet, and drive her into the horizon in a burst of spackles. This is so romantic, can’t you see ? Their first kiss… She will be a princess, he will be a charming prince, at 70 plus years old… Urgh. The reality fades as a flat and dull decor, that will not move an inch while she is having all this fun, and will be exactly the same when she returns. Why see any issue ? 🙁 🙁 I feel sick.

    • Hesat, don’t you think it might be worth suggesting that the woman needs a checkup? 72, she could be in early stages of Alzheimer’s, I’m being serious here.

      • Dat–I actually do not know this woman…..all what I have written is what my friend has told me about her friend. I do agree there seems to be a lot of unclear thinking going on but there’s nothing I can do to step in.

    • Has he got a sister who is really, really sick and needs an operation, but he can’t pay, but once she pays by transferring funds to a bank account somewhere, he will be much less worried and will be able to meet her in Costa Rica?

      Oh, but hang on – now he has to pay some back taxes first, or else he won’t be allowed to leave the country he lives in … Can she possibly help out? He will pay her straight back once they meet in Costa Rica.

      I don’t care if she has his freakin’ home phone number, date of birth and all the photos in the world – women of her age are sitting ducks for romance scammers, and they don’t just email random strangers anymore.

  • My first impression of this essay is that it is poorly-written, harlequin-romance piece of prose. The marketing person who wrote it needs to find a new career.

    It is designed to sucker shallow thinkers into spending a few bucks on a site membership…. The type of neanderthal who actually believes there are women who think this way. Of course there are a small minority, but the female mindset is still geared toward “if he wants to fuck ŷou then surely he must give a fuck about you”. It is horrible how she dehumanizes the guy’s partner as if winning the man is the ultimate prize she seeks. Talk about winning the booby prize.

    The author gives herself away by trying to say that it’s somehow OK to equate spontaneous sex with deep and enduring love, and OK to risk falling for some guy who joins a shagging site, when in reality it’s the absolute worst place to seek intimacy.

  • Ironically the article sounds like a recipe for how to put together a good profile for a ‘real’ female since one of the huge reveals was that over half of the female profiles were fake. Look at the details of the article. The ‘gal’ says your registration is free if your female, need to be in a committed relationship and not looking for marriage since your in one already, douche bags must have good grammar and wit and look attractive, must be willing to have ‘experimental sex’, make sure you put vague but interesting details about yourself, say you love the thrill of the chase but want to have kids with your partner, put the information on the back burner until you ‘need’ it, ‘AM’ the ones your interested to set up your kibble fest and, of course, show remorse for what your doing since thats a turn on to any douche bag cheater knowing your married to ‘mr. perfect’ but choosing to do the horizontal coach roach position with them. Sounds like Asshat Madison’s marketing department is trying to turn the negative media free for all from the big reveal to their advantage.

  • CL you are amazing! Your UBT gets right to the heart of it all.

    Her letter really brings it home for me. D day for me was almost a year ago, divorce day has been nine months. Just when I believe it is all going to be ok, he shows his narcissist ass and does something utterly horrible to my children. After holding my tongue for the last year because it doesn’t do any good. He will never see the situation from anyone else’s point of view. I finally let it out, not in hopes that he will see the error of his ways, but for me. Just like this stupid woman and all other cheaters out there, they will never get it. Even if they read your UBT (which to me is common sense) they will never ever understand that they are POS.

    Today, I have decided no more! The XH will go by our divorce agreement, no extras from me, no benefit-of-the-doubts, no “our children will suffer if you don’t let me”. I am taking a stand against the asshole that apparently has been assigned to me.

  • We can only be grateful that “Betty Andrews” has been having some infertility issues so that when her husband (real or not) finds out what she’s doing and dumps her narc ass, no children will be left behind. Heaven help us if these parasites use the married men to get their pregnancy and then play both men!

  • Probably fiction. But a really good exemplar of full blown NPD. The husband is “almost perfect” because –although he always takes her back after her boredom sends her off on a whoring spree — she can’t confide in him about her deception:

    “I can’t talk to my husband about my lover. I can’t brag to him about the amazing sex, or cry to him with the heartbreak that is being involved with a man who loves someone else. None of it makes any sense to me yet, and the secrecy draws me further, not closer, from the people in my life. In my search for excitement, romance, connection and intimacy, I’m as alone as I’ve ever been.”

    I think she needs to get a whole lot lonelier.

    • She’s hooked on the adrenaline rush she gets from hiding who she really is. Her husband doesn’t really know her, her affair partner doesn’t really know her, it’s all a big game.

  • It’s either the musings of a sociopath, or a slick piece of marketing for Ashley Madison. Or both, that’s probably likeliest.

  • I have to say… I LOVE the UBT. I’ve applied it quite literally – and liberally – with my fucktard in the past 2 days. It feels so good – and makes them squirm so much… they really get angry. Is it bad that I enjoy it to this extent?? After everything I have been through with this guy… it feels so liberating – picture Jim Carey… SOMBODY STOP ME! Lol!

  • Wow, that was like getting a glimpse into my wife’s brain. If you were to ask my wife about me she would give the same responses as this woman. Usually I hate click bait articles like these especially ones that try to rationalize or celebrate shitty behavior. But this one at least shines a light that there were women who used AM and the reasons were just as self entitled as men.

  • I need a but translation here to anyone who can say. Asswipe came over last night to “talk”. Ha. The other woman he left me for dumped him after 2 years without ceremony and cold and rude and distant after leadinghim on with promises of greatness and grandau and their ultimate only true love in the world. Karma bus!!! Yeah!! Dumped him flat like yesterdays news. This idiot is the destructor the breaker of lives. He has never ever been dumped. Hahahahaha! Take that fuckhead! I let him go on enjoying his misery immensely. With the how could she do this, she led me on, she promised we would be together forever we all know how that goes. He’s the serial cheater. Looked at me for comfort, wants to die, kill himself, how could she lie, deceive and betray him!!! They were in love!! He destroyed his marriage for her. I asked how he felt and he said like my life is over and I just want to die! The whore already has a new guy. I looked at him with dead eyes and said aw you poor sausage now you know what you did to me. Everything he asked why did she do whatever? I asked why did you do it to me. Its the same thing only I was your partner for 30 years not two. Now you got a taste of your own medicine deal with it no comfort from me.

    But for my but translation he said I had no idea how nice to was to be with a real family again two I new wonderful daughters raised well, got close to them they are all family now two little granddaughters raised well he can be grandpa too instead if his own dysfunctional family with me. Our two had drug and alcohol addictions jail time the whole nine yards boy and girl. Both of them lost their kids because of it. It was a very dificult time we tried to help but they spiraled out of control and lost them they are both haunted by this and hate themselves for letting it happen. The asswipe loves them to death uh huh. But he resents the fact they typed him out of proms, graduations all the teen age stuff and marriages and grand babies. I mean resents the fact they gyped him!! Why couldn’t they do the right thing? He was absolutely no role model for behavior for them high school drop out, crazy, drinking drugs multiple sex partners, cheating but he’s mad at them and resents it and them but loves them. bith the kids have turned their lives around and doing terrific believe me their pasts torment both of them. They both live out west and we rarely get to see them I text both daily him whenever he damn well feels like it. The whore kept her family close and intact right cause shehands out money like candy to keep them close. While I realize they screwed up I do not resent them. They were young and dumb and made bad choices. Who says this ahit about their own kids! Insinuated it’s my fault kinda and how dare they move away and fuck up so he has this nice new family to enjoy cause he was so fucked up. I love them warts and all can’t change the past try to make it better. Right the kids need the support of both parents and while a good provider and attentative at times completely and emotionally absent! I will never tell them what their father said ever way too hurtful. I went nuts how dare he compare whores family to his old family how dare he and sat there and cried he no longer gets to see the whores grand babies and not one tear for the kids he has and supposeably misses! Where is the compassion for them his own kids! But those grand babies got out of a bad situation cause of grandmas money good little kids should have to go through shit but not one ounce of compassion for his own this man never cries ever not ever and sat there bawling over her grand babies not one finger did he lift to help his own, have problems, suck it up, fix it, don’t be a baby, wouldnt even call them with comfort and compassion. Love them he barely bothers with them. Hers were raised right but not mine? Who fucking says this shit? Fuck me over let me know how screed up I am and now near the final end bitching about the kids not living up to what he wanted and thought they should do. Anybody want to try a but on this? I went nuts threw him out the door and said never call or contact me again ever. Disfuctional family my ass, I have good loving caring kids who were raised right and lost their way they found their way out of the darkness and they both have to live with the consequences of their actions. Just haunts both of them immensely. Asswipe is disfuctional not them we were a happy family till he destroyed and now in his eyes family fucked up not him. I hope he rots in hell!

    • KarMar, If he had 30 years to mess up your family and was handed a shiny new situation and messed it up in two years, that speaks volumes. He came over to “talk.” Really? He lost his shiny new situation and was checking to see if you were still available to lick his wounds and pick up his pieces. And take the blame for his bad parenting as well. So glad you just said no. Sometimes a ratbastard is just a ratbastard.

    • KarMarie

      For me I am forever gone from his life. Just the thought of talking to the toxic X makes me sick. I’m hoping they decide to rent a trailer in Florida. No contact for life.

    • KarMar, Must be something in the water or air! My Ex called my daughter today and says he has to “get out” of the Schmoopies town! He misses his life, he says! He wants his family back! Yeah, sure! YAWN! Sounds to me like Schmoopie dumped his ass and he needs to find a soft place to land! To bad, Fucktard! You HAD a great life and you threw it away for a FaceBook hookup remember? I’m not feeling very sorry for the sick old fool!

      • Oh and BTW, his “relationship” lasted 4 months after he quit his job and moved into her condo in Florida. Unfortunately, he was then diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had surgery! Guess she doesn’t find him fun or spontaneous anymore!

  • Honestly, her first “suitor” sounded like my husband. The timeline would fit along with having the third child. That’s not the woman he ended up with off of AM, but once I learned that he’d been on there many years longer than I had originally thought, I figured that there were probably others (or at least other attempts similar to this one). Disgusting. I can’t believe that I was married to such a duplicitous pig and that my children are forced to have him in their lives.

  • Very interesting that this poor excuse for a woman was so impressed with the idea that AM was free for women wanting to register. Now doesn’t every woman just dream about meeting total strangers and giving away their sexual favors for free? WTF? Sounds like my Ex’s Schmoopie! So I guess it is not all that uncommon to aspire to be a common whore who advertises her “hole” for free and a quick “high”! Not to mention the big FU her totally clueless husband gets! Yuck! Could this bitch be any better than the “bitch” barking in my neighbors yard?

  • What is it with these narcissistic fuckwads and pretending to be all ‘enlightened’ by randomly throwing foreign words into their sentences? It just makes you look like a pretentious jackarse – and I bet she doesn’t even know what ‘ennui’ means.

  • IMO, the greatest value of this post is CL’s bullet points on characteristics of BPD/NPD self-entitled vaginas and penises (thought I’d rather use the slang terms). Here they are again. Pay close attention so we can fix our pickers. Thanks again CL.

    Glib, superficial charm? Check.

    Easily bored? Check.

    Risk-taking and impulsive? Check.

    Exploitative? Check.

    Grandiose? Check.

    Without remorse? Check again! BINGO!

  • To follow on the assumption that this is simply a poorly constructed marketing ploy, I can see why guys fall for it. When I think of the various bottom-feeders I’ve met on dating sites (no offense intended to the millions of decent men out there) I know that their thinking goes barely beyond “where can I get my next action”. They don’t equate action with any kind of caring or attachment, they simply want to get laid, then disappear before the sun co es up. So, spending a few bucks on a cheating website seems like a good gamble, more entertaining than hiring a wench, and if they meet a gal who will fall for their stupid lurv lines, then hey, less work to get it next time!

    This sooooo sounds like the marketing that our Ash Mad slime bucket founder would use. He will get what he deserves. There are lots of vengeful folks around who would be willing to drive his karma bus even if the law doesn’t deal with him soon.

  • That bit of tripe stinks of advertorial to me. Dollars to donuts that Ashley Madison’s damage control / PR department is the source.

  • This is funny article but at the same time yea, why publish this. It is just another story of someone only thinking about themselves. She even says she has the perfect husband, if he is so perfect why is she cheating on him? Even if he was not perfect the question is the same, why get married if you are going to cheat on them?

    Seriously if you are the type of person that lets their genitals do all the talking then find yourself someone who you can be in an open relationship with. This way both sides know WTF is the deal and no one is left disappointed. This is not an option for most people (me included, simply not interested in open relationships) but it does work for many people and I have met people who do that.

    My IQ just dropped from all of this!

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