On yesterday’s post a thread broke out on what it took for chumps to finally leave their cheaters. Not surprisingly, we have quite a readership of folks stuck in limbo, numb, weighing options, or just resigned to a revolving buffet of D-Days.
So those of you in the Gain a Life graduating class — help the freshman out. What made you say ENOUGH? What was your tipping point?
For me, you know I’m so far out now, I don’t remember a specific a-HA moment. He’d been serving up a lot of a-HA moments for months, I just wasn’t trusting that he sucked. That’s on me.
So, quite honestly, it was a process to get toward self-preservation and protecting myself. And it’s precisely because I was so chumpy (four D-Days, did I really need that?), that I began this blog. To save you guys the trouble. To arrive at conclusions sooner. And maybe save yourself some heartache, dignity, and money too.
I would also say I had many tipping points, and each one lead to a small action. (Today I see a lawyer.) But then a retreat. (I see the lawyer, but I don’t take her advice.) And then another tipping point. (Okay, I’m going to take that advice.) It was a gradual liberation. First I had to decolonize my mind, give up sparkles and What I Thought It All Was Going to Be, and have a hard, unvarnished look at reality — this shit is killing me.
Eventually I got there. But even THEN, even as I was plotting and scheming and lining up ducks, I still wrestled with insecurity and self-doubt. I still wrestled with fear of what next, and how would I make it financially, and would I be alone the rest of my life and all those other sleepless-night-3 a.m. bugaboos.
But I did it. And the only thing that made it all better was DOING it. The actions are what informed my feelings. No contact made it better. No contact stifled the hopium, the mindfuckery, the hits of his attention. (He wants me! I won the pick me dance!)
There was no Chump Lady. I had a couple sane friends in real life, and online (where I spent an ungodly amount of time) I had proto-chump ladies lost in a sea of unicorns. A sort of underground army on a thinly disguised reconciliation site. Their “run away” messages were drowned out by conflicting advice. There was no clear message to LEAVE. There was me and my fear.
This shit takes a lot of hand-holding. Which is what Chump Nation is for. Thanks guys for paying it forward!
So today — how’d you get over to the other side? And — what’s the view like?
“How I Got Over” — I didn’t think I could love a version more than Aretha Franklin’s — but this Josh Nelson fellow knocks it out of the park!