I have a perverse interest in Google analytics. I’m always curious to see how people wash up on the shores of Chump Lady. Just what exactly did you Google to find me?
The site has pretty awesome SEO (search engine optimization, for the less geeky among you). Google most infidelity terms and I’m often on the first page.
But some people must use Google like their own personal Magic 8 ball. “When is he coming back?” “Why won’t she speak to me?” Google as life oracle.
So today I thought I would answer my search term questions. Not fully formed or perhaps just succinct, hey, they deserve an answer too, right?
If a guy lies do you give him another chance
Depends on what he lied about. Does my ass look fat in these jeans? “No honey, you have the lithe hips of a sylvan goddess.” I’d let that one pass. But if he lies habitually, if he lies reflexively about small things, if you catch him in a giant whopper — these are indications of his character. And no, I probably would not give him another chance. Because you said GUY, not husband — and you aren’t that invested now, and do you really want to shackle yourself to a person with lousy character for a lifetime? Cut your losses.
misogynist NPD husband
Misogynist? NPD? Why isn’t he your EX-husband?
what happens to the narcissist after divorce?
They dissolve into mist, get absorbed into topsoil, fertilize the grass, are eaten by cows, and expelled as the flatulence contributing to global warming.
No. I wish. No really, they stay narcissistic. And if they have children with you, they’ll probably keep trying to torture you with their bullshit as long as they can. If you don’t have children with a narcissist, then stop wondering what happens to them and count your blessings that they’re gone.
narcissist says he misses me
I’m sure he does. All kibbles are good kibbles. Stop being kibbles.
bf loves me but won’t commit says I’m a time bomb
People who love you don’t call you “time bomb.” Dump him.
cheating husband always crying
Poor sausage. Kleenex, visine, and then — no contact. Much harder to hear his crying when he’s somewhere else.
should I ask husband for proof that he ended emotional affair
As opposed to what? Just taking his word for it? That it was only emotional? That it ended? Google “key logger” and “voice activated recorder.”
would you forgive your wife if she was a sex addict in the past?
By sex addict do you mean cheater? Or do you mean someone who was very promiscuous before they met you? If she’s copping to “sex addiction” (a made-up affliction according to many mental health professionals), I’m guessing she means “serial cheater” (the less PC term for it). It’s fine if you want to forgive her. I just wouldn’t stay married to her.
girls are cheating pieces of shit
No, cheaters are pieces of shit. No gender has the market cornered on being a piece of shit. Stop being bitter. It’s an unfortunate stage to distrust the entire other gender after you’ve been chumped — move through it quickly please.
your capacity to trust when you grow up in the aftermath of your fathers affair because when you were a child and your mother never got over it because your parents never dealt with the pain from the afair so it was taken out on the kids.
Wow. Thank you for the public service reminder not to stay together for the kids.
trust a traveling cheater
No. Change the locks.
what do you call a person that thinks everyone has to abide by him
God? Sir? Don’t call this person.
skinny hollom hooker cream when fucking a huge monster cock
Uh. I think you have the wrong site. I can’t help you with your “hollom” kink, whatever that is.
not guilty for making mistress pregnant
Paternity test? But just a hunch… I think you’re guilty.
my husband made his prostitute power of attorney
Just wow. I’m sorry.
gaslighting is the dumbest thing ever just retarded stupidity
I totally agree with you.
wife says I love you but I’m not in love with you
She’s cheating. Welcome to Chump Lady. Glad you found us.
This column ran previously. Feel free to comment!
Google landed me on Daily Strength’s infidelity forum, where I met some great ladies & a few guys. Chump Lady came up many times there…so in a round about way google led here.
Google found me Daily Strength’s Divorce forum, which led me to Baggage Reclaim, which led me to Chump Lady, about a year ago. I knew immediately that THIS was where I belonged!
I also got here through the daily strength divorce forum. I don’t visit there anymore because I have limited time to be on the net. So, I choose CL and CN as my infidelity and divorce support home. I like the straight forward no bs kind of advice anyway.
I too found Daily Strength. I concentrated most of my time in the “Wives of Alcoholics” forum. But eventually went to the infidelity forum (amongst a few others). I honestly don’t know how I came to Chump Lady. Probably by googling the statistics of alcoholics who cheat on their wives…..
I came here through daily strength’s infidelity forum too. Someone posted an article link from her site back in 2013 and I was hooked from day one.
I read about chumplady in the Buffalo News
I googled about narcissists as I wanted to understand why my “partner” could spend £300 plus each night at the bar while on tour but couldn’t pay his bills. I later found out he was trying to impress his new squeeze. Everything I gleen here is golden. Thank you CL & CN
I googled “Do serial cheaters change” and it brought me to Chump Lady. Best.day.of.my.life.ever. Oh, and the answer is … nope.
Ha!!! Good way to start my day. Love ya, CL.
Chump Lady led me to your blog, which I also love! 🙂
Thank you, kaycan 🙂
Loved your post today, HH!
CL and HH, the Dynamic Duo of infidelity recovery!
+ Infidelity Help Group (a triumvirate!)
Oh man. I’d LOVE to be CL’s sidekick! All day long. LOL!
Love the HH blog too! Although every time I read what a schmuck her ex is-not spending any time with his kids and not supporting them financially- I so want to seek him out and punch him right in the balls! Thank God for the 1,500 mile or so separation!
Oh cheaterssuck! Thank you so much. He only lives about 2 miles from us, the urge to kick balls is a hard one to resist 😉 His loss, though.
Was not aware of your blog. Am intrigued. Click on your name. Haven’t read the whole 1/21 blog yet, but you had me at Dorothy Parker and Danke. Already, you’re speaking my language!
Ahhh, yes. Dorothy is my dream dinner date. Thanks for stopping by, and I totally understand if you can’t make eye contact with me later. Oversharing is a weakness…
I love your blog. You are what (who?) led me here. I found your blog after my husband cheated on me with his cousin. Again. That led me here. I had heard of Chump Lady my first go round when it was supposedly only an EA but at the time I was sticking to reconciliation blogs and most of them judged her as way too harsh so I stayed away. Big mistake!
BTW for whatever reason, I have not yet figured out how to leave a comment on your blog as anything other than anonymous. I’m the one who gave you the burning building analogy the other day and also regaled you with the comment about all the Jesus cheaters.
I got here while reading another sappy blog of a betrayed spouse in the middle of reconcilliation. Someone mentioned CL saying she was too harsh. Harsh was the word I was looking for and – BAM! I found the only place where people talked real shit. Thank you, CL, for telling it straight.
That’s exactly how I got here, too.
Long live Chump Lady!
Google led me here at DDay 1.5 in November 2012. Never left!
Same here, SiS…..long strange trip, huh?
Ugh. Worst trip ever, Mephista! Like a long walk through the Nine Circles of Hell! I’m still in the fifth – anger!
Does that put our cheaters in Circle 2 (Lust) or 9 (Treachery)?
From a site that was sappy and what I didn’t need.for me there was no taking him back. Someone on that site said something about Chump Lady. Checked it out and love the straight talk
I have moved forward. My kids after 4 years understand what kibbles are. Thank you Chump Lady!!!
That’s exactly what got me here too.
For some reason, I never thought of googling the word infidelity. I kept googling “BETRAYED” – which led me to that sappy blog, that got me nowhere.
Luv you Chump Lady.
I actually found CL through a mention, in the comments, on a RIC site. I knew there had to be something better. It’s so sad to read people saying “WHYYYY can’t I get him to stop seeing the whore????” Guilty as charged myself. When I read CL and the Cake theory, it all finally made sense. He kept seeing the whore cause he could. I would pitch a bitch (cake), he would get defensive and nasty (cake), I would forgive him and he would get laid or a bj (CAKE!!!!!). Lather, rinse, repeat, ad nauseum. This would have went on till the day I died cause he didn’t really want her, just the fucking cake. If it weren’t this nasty whore, it would be a different replacement nasty whore. Once you realize that, it’s all you need to know.
Exactly Anita! Oh how I wished I had found this blog in the beginning, I gave him CAKE for ONE WHOLE YEAR. I wanted him to leave, or stop NC with the WHORE, and he kept telling me when I would question him about our future or about her – and his answer? “I’m still here aren’t I?” Had I understood the theory of CAKE at that time, It would of been so much different. One year hell for me – One Year of Cake for him!
Mighty Again, I agree, Cake is the absolute essential key you don’t get anywhere else. And guess what, the Whores are powered by Cake too. They are sexy! Hot! Desirable! The Bomb, Jerry! No, you are actually just a middle aged, low rent easy whore. How do I know that? By the fact that you date/screw married men.
The only interest I have in the Other Woman is that they are usually the Major Tool cheaters use to keep you in line. You better (insert whatever they want you to do, ie, lose weight, give me non reciprocal sex, clean the house, let me do whatever the fuck I want!) Cause if you don’t I’ll call/text/screw/leave you for her! They don’t want to go anywhere, but your logical mind tells you they would want you or her, not both. But the real truth is they don’t give a shit about either of you.
“The only interest I have in the Other Woman is that they are usually the Major Tool cheaters use to keep you in line. You better (insert whatever they want you to do, ie, lose weight, give me non reciprocal sex, clean the house, let me do whatever the fuck I want!) Cause if you don’t I’ll call/text/screw/leave you for her! They don’t want to go anywhere, but your logical mind tells you they would want you or her, not both. But the real truth is they don’t give a shit about either of you.”
OMG Yes! If I dared stand up to him, the harder he punished me, the more shit sandwiches I ate! I kicked him out in June straight into the arms of the whore and I’ve never been happier and I don’t give a fuck whether he’s happy or not!
Anita you hiit the nail on the head!! It s true they don’t care about the whores, it’s all about the fuckfest and their cocks! The girlfriend and wives pose as a nice clean facade for their families and friends, but for a cheater one woman is never enough, that’s boring! They need stimulation, the thrill of the conquest, a new slut in bed, while you unknowingly are baking cookies and folding his socks. My ex actually thought this made him more of a man and did not understand why I “complained” since he was a good provider and bought me nice stuff. In his warped mind it was a fair trade: Extra-curricular pussy for bling and designer purses…such a charmer! lol
iPorn Cheater McGee gave me jewelry, designer purses, and more monetary things because he couldn’t give of himself and he thought it made him look good to other people. He had saved giving himself for his pay for play whores instead of his me-his faithful, loving, stbx-wife…..and he saw absolutely nothing wrong with it although he never disclosed to me prior to marriage that is what he wanted. He really thought I was an ungrateful wife appliance because he was a good provider of material things. How dare I want love & sex from my husband and expect him to be faithful.
I guess he had mentally checked out or had selective hearing during the wedding ceremony for the “forsaking all others” part.
Wow, just wow. What a disordered wingnut-glad I’m free of that ‘theater of drama’ now.
Current chump, it’s so strange all this ugliness, the more years go by the less things make sense? If there were little people of this mind frame it would be one thing but it seems this world is littered with people of such little integrity. So weird that some assholes out there think that love can be bought!
I know FBI-its terrible how little integrity is out there in the world. I married an “pod” or image of a good man who in reality couldn’t be loving, have sex with me OR be faithful as soon as we were married. I actually see the situation and him now as pathetic.
He was such a good actor at the start until we married……..If I would have known the type of marriage he REALLY wanted, I would have put on my running shoes & never looked back.
I am an extremely liberal person-if stbx or any other man wanted to pursue all his sleazy exploits he should NEVER have been trying to have a monogamous relationship with anyone let alone get married! Have the guts to be honest and go let your freak flag fly as a single man you jackass.
FBI-I really have no interest in dating-And the unwanted education I got from stbx about porn, craigslist, and massage parlors make me not want to trust any man out there. Here in So. Cal I swear there are massage parlor places in almost every shopping center and strip mall. I’m so disgusted. There would not be so many of these places if that type of business wasn’t in demand.
And yet I have to find a way to make sure my sweet son grows up to 100% different from his cheater, whoring, scumbag dad.
They want to be married so that someone else will support them financially when they decide they no longer want to work, and when they are no longer earning a paycheck, they need someone (the chump) to provide them with a car to chase the sexy, exciting whores that REALLY turn them on because who wants to troll for strange on foot? The image of being the faithful husband to the faithful chump looks good to the community, much better than the image of a perverted serial cheater. The chump also serves as a sexual back-up when the whores are unavailable.
*who wants to troll for strange on foot?* ROFLMAO!!!!
Aaaand many cheaters want to remain married so that there’s an in-built excuse for them to dump their APs whenever they’re done, like so many discarded crusty tissues.
I typed in something like husband cheating with a whore…..Whore was definitely in the word search. Because only here….in CN was it acceptable to call her a WHORE…. and him the lying cheating bastard that he is. Truth led me here….and led me to lead others here.
Never to be chumped again.
Btw….my daughters new love interest is live bombing her…. I want to gag….she said to me…”Quit reading the Chump Lady, not every guy is like Dad”….
Ummmm no….no they arent….but I can track those love bombing bastards 50 miles out.
I feel real bad for any guy who even thinks they are pulling one over on her or me…
On the RIC sites, the whores are as welcome as anybody else. Ughhhh. They get in there telling people “I’m special, I understand your husband, he loves me, we are soulmates, I’m the best sex ever, blah, blah, blah.”. And you can’t even call them a whore, cause they are “wayward”, too.
Anita, that is horrendous! Thank goodness you are here!
Tracy-I am sad for your daughter. I await the day my adult son and daughter realize what a bag o sh*t X is.
I think I heard about CL right when she launched from someone on another infidelity site. This is the only blog I have ever bothered to follow on a daily basis because it has been such a huge help to me. Even though my D-Day and divorce are now years behind me, I still need to come back to this support group because my ex and the Owife are horrible people that are still in my life because of the kids. This site reminds me that there isn’t any point in trying to reason with crazy. I stay strictly NC with the ex except for brief, business-like emails that are unavoidable because of the kids, and I have never once spoken or written a word to her. It’s also nice to not feel like I’m alone in dealing with these losers. As ever, thank you CL and CN.
Interesting, MO. I, too, have little to say to my ex’s new piece (I don’t know if she was an OW or not, but she moved in with him a month after being introduced to my school-age son. No regard for my son’s feelings on the matter. Don’t respect her.). I have a “frienemy” who brings this up every time we talk, since she laid down the law with HER ex’s new piece and I didn’t. How do you answer people who give you crap about not speaking to the person who spends time with your child/ren? Since this ‘friend’ has been through it, I always feel like she’s lording it over me like she handled it better than I did (and she actually says stuff like “you’re crazy for not setting this chick straight on who your son’s mom is and what her role is.”)
Hopefully you (or someone in CN) has a direct response to shut her up once and for all (and I hardly talk to her anymore, but when I do, I’d like to shut her down for good on this topic).
Oh, I found CL through the Sisterhood of Support (for partners of sex addicts. I had a hard time believing in SA and now I am firmly convinced there is no such thing). The lovely Bev recommended Chump Lady and I never looked back. This site saved me.
Same here, found it through Sisterhood of Support. I think it was a woman named “Kimmy” who recommended CL. At first the name kinda put me off because in my family if you were called a “chump” it was a real slight. You were a sap, an easily fooled dope or too trusting naive punk. It was a name you did NOT want on your tombstone.
Little did I know it was a term that would save my sanity.
Yeah, baby, I was chumped, but you should see the other guy.
Hahaha, “you should see the other guy.” I love that!
I too found my way here via S.O.S. For the record, the vast majority of us on S.O.S. don’t believe in sex addiction either (or unicorns) but continue to use the term because of that whole Google search term thing – that’s what partners of serial cheaters tend to search for. We always send the hopium smoking newbies here to CL and CN for some straight talk. And Bev is da bomb! Love that girl!! 🙂
Movin on, maybe I’m rude but I would tell someone that overbearing person, “I didn’t ask your opinion, thanks.” But maybe she would take the hint if you blatantly change the topic to something completely unrelated. Or just say, “I have to go NOW.” You don’t owe this person anything, really. Actually, why talk to her at all if she’s not respecting what you’re going through?
movin_on–tell the beeyatch that your son knows who his mamma is, and that’s all that matters.
Tempest, like this! Damn…Straight! “My son knows WHO his MAMMA is!” (He doesn’t however know WHO the fuck his DADDA is, cause that chameleon BOUNCED.)
I know I found CL several times and read several before I finally decided to sign up and ask a question. But I think I Googled something to the effect of stupid fucking cheating whore wife and that got me here. Thank goodness for my potty mouth, stupid ass lying mother fucking cheating lying asshole whore bitch ass fucktard cheaters
I actually love the raw language here. It speaks to the depths of this shit and fits the circumstances perfectly! I find it necessary to call the AP, AP. She is nothing but an AP to me. I don’t give her the dignity of a first name and refer to her always as AP, OW, whore, fuckwad, pond scum, fucking cheating lying dirt on my shoes. And I need to vent and cathart this here and am grateful to get this off my chest, to discharge, to release.
Yeah some of the other sites were way too namby pamby for my taste. And way too much of the forgive the cheater, cheater apologists, and that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Fuck all that, I’m pissed, I want to be pissed, and I have every right to be pissed. Here we don’t make people uncomfortable and we can call out those assclown for what they are, lower than scum lying cheating weasels. Although that is insulting to weasels so I apologize to all the weasels of the world.
Someone way back once said it so perfectly and I am paraphrasing and if “you” read this, thank you as I have never forgotten how you captured how I feel: But you said, again paraphrased, “I needed to be indignant and repulsed, activated and filled with motive force about a shitty situation I really didn’t deserve.” Thank you whoever, I should have remember who said that. Brilliant! and captures it so perfectly.
Pretty sure my ability to make a sailor blush also landed me here accubonded, and thank fucking God it did. There is no place I would rather heal than in the straight shooting, snarky yet loving arms of CN. Would not be moving forward in a positive way without everyone here.
Since Chump Lady’s Blog became the Voice of Reason and shined crystal clear clarity and a fun new vocabulary into my shattered heart, I’ve only referred to the OW as Schmoopie. My therapist, and friends call her that and think its hilarious! I referred to her that way once in a text to stbxh, and he was not amused. Said I was “name calling”. (I had already changed his contact info to “Gaslighter”….) Whenever I get sad or nostalgic I just refer to my list of horrible, unforgivable bs he has done to me over 38 years…. Dont get me started. As things bubble up, the list gets longer and longer. My work is to forgive myself for alling his abuse on some level for sooooooooo long.
Chump change, smhooopie would be considered mild with the name calling where I’m from. Seriously, these guys are out screwing whores, and their sensibilities are offended by schmoopie. Cut me an effing break.!!
I refuse to use “schmoopie” ever because it sounds too benign. Grad-whore, grad-slut, grad-c***, home-wrecker, all seem more appropriate.
I found ChumpLady thru First Wives World. Its a great reference for Narc info and subsequent separation and divorce. And now theres a Canadian subgroup on that site. But when you need a quick reality check Chump Lady is the BEST!!
lovedandlost, I also looked at First Wives World and how I ended up there I do not know but it lead me to Chump Lady and I have not looked back. I have grown so much without realising it. I don’t think Tracy is fully aware of what she has created here. I suspect that CL together with the input of CN has saved a few lives along the way, mine included. CN is a safe haven for all we poor buggers both male and female who have been dragged through hell by our cheating partners. I honestly don’t know where I would be without the support of such a great community of good people.
Maree, CL and CN helped save me for sure!!!! THANK YOU PEOPLE!!! ALL OF YOU!!!
Yes, I got to First Wives World first, and several women mentioned CL. What a breath of fresh air this site is!
Yes someone on First Wives World recommended it. So wish I had found it earlier. I only found it after my divorce. I would have kicked more ass but did fine anyway thanks for threats of deposing The Puta and forcing the sale of the house and court. All he wanted to avoid so gave me decent alimony. His attorney was an asshole. He is famous for representing men and not wanting them to pay alimony. If I had read CL before my responses would have been much different.
I am 8 moths after the divorce and come here daily. I was so glad to find this site. Its speaks to what I was feeling and I love the language because there is no way to sugar coat the horror one goes through. The reality that you sometimes have to share you kids with the very same people that lied and cheated and showed they couldn’t care less about you or the kids is just too much to bare at times. I still fucking think of revenge. When I move out of this city in 2.5 years maybe I will and maybe I won’t but you know what… it depends on me and not someone elses timeline or bullshit advice. I might be at Meh or might not. Doesn’t matter. I come here everyday to get my dose of strength and support for my take on what I am going through.
And Tracy…. reading the early responses to your blog when you began…. I noticed you got a lot of flack initially. I want to thank you for having the courage to stick with it and having the confidence in your voice to speak out. Look how CN has grown.
Oh and the key logger…… Thats how I found out. Best thing I ever did. Fuck Wad cheater lier. He was lying to my daughter and got her to turn against me for awhile because I kept suspecting something and he kept telling her he was trying to make things work but that it was my fault because I didn’t trust him. When I downloaded the emails and showed her she did a 180. I got my daughter back. She was amazed to see him continue to lie even in the face of evidence. Oh and The Puta doesn’t have a chance withy daughter since she got to read her bullshit too. Unfortunately my son continues to go to the Eye of Sauron every 2 weeks to try to keep the peace. Fucking Cunt. Seriously if you read the emails you would hate her too.
I found Chump Lady by Googling “husband won’t admit to affair”…. it was the first hit and finally made sense. The other “infidelity” sites all presume your cheater is sane and logic applies to them. Not so much. I also appreciate the copious swearing…. not sugar coating with “wayward spouse” and all that crap. Fucking Cheater, thank you.
Wayward! WTF! So insulting, so minimizing of the impact of their cheating asses.
Exactly, what is with this “wayward spouse” shit? I truly appreciate the people of CN and their ability to tell it like it is. This is also the first place I learned about Narcs and Cluster B’s and the fact that I wasn’t dealing with someone sane or logical.
Yeah, makes it sound like they don’t have a GPS or sense of direction. We know to what their sense of direction lead them.
I honestly don’t remember what I Googled to get here – I was a Google maniac at the time. The other sites weren’t what I needed so I kept looking till I found Chump Lady which gave me more insight into my situation than any website or counselor ever did. CN is full of real talk (no fluff) and real support – and I am thankful for you guys every day.
I was googling everything I could on NPD and infidelity. Found CL. Thank you, you saved my sanity.
Me, too, I googled everything, read everything. I think I found CL after googling “what to do when you’ve been cheated on” or something like that
I first saw a CL article on huffington post divorce–didn’t know too many infidelity or divorce sites–a few months ago and was like, wow, this is good stuff. Way better than the usual crap on that site. Now I’m hooked.
I found chump lady via first wives club. Absolutely the best ever. I wouldn’t be here if wasn’t for all you guys. I thank the universe.
Rock on Kar Marie!
“wife says I love you but I’m not in love with you” – those were her exact words after her affair was exposed. These people are textbook.
Divorced dad, that is just code for I want to screw around, while staying married.
My husband’s first words, too. In the months leading up to D-day, when I was so suspicious of his disconcerting new “friendship,” I even asked him, “Are you in love with her?” No no no. It’s not like that. No way. “Are you in love with me?” Yes yes yes. Then D-day hit and suddenly “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Total mindfuck.
ILYBINILWY !!! Those were the first words out of her mouth! It’s scary how they all work from the same script.
Marked711, satan reached out and took my hand at the dinner table (I was trying to force myself to actually eat – at that point I had lost over 50 pounds…and I was never overweight…so…I was dying I’m sure) and he said, ‘I don’t care about you anymore.’ …smiling like a gator the whole time…I took my hand away and started crying. My head was spinning…my stomach churned and I tried to get up from my chair when he took my hand again and said, ‘I love you Jeep…why can’t you just be happy? Why aren’t you eating? Are you trying to poison me?’ …wow huh…to this day I wonder if he was actually giving me something… Once he was arrested and removed from the marital home for domestic violence my health immediately began to improve…
None of us want to believe these disordered x’s could really be that dangerous, despite evidence to the contrary. The gaslighting, lying, manipulating and abuse keeps us second guessing ourselves, ALWAYS to our detriment. Thank all that is good for Tracy and all of Chump Nation. I am grateful!
I am not a medical doctor. But it sounds to me like he might have been poisoning you. Am I being paranoid? Perhaps. Can a physician find trace remnants of a toxic substance? I don’t know. Is an attempted murder charge still a possibility? Yes. Be safe, and be proactive.
Ian Dubito, thank you 😀
I have no idea if satan was poisoning me…it is absolutely possible. Testing was inconclusive, but physical abuse was obvious.
I moved half an hour away from satan 2 months after my divorce was final. …as soon as my property transfer was in the local paper satan showed up on my driveway! I ignored him and waited for him to drive away before leaving my home. I can’t believe he would even think that I would engage with him in ANY way after the brutality, let alone the mental and emotional abuse. Unbelievable! I am hyper vigilant of my surroundings now!
I have my CCW and am always packed. I wouldn’t harm anyone but damn sure not going to be harmed ever again if I can prevent it. My equalizer makes up for my smallness! I learned from personal experience how quickly physical abuse can happen and I am no match for a 220 pound, 6′ man. My rescue dog saved me from satan on 1 of the 4 occasions he decided beating on me was the right thing to do. I love my dog! He kicks monster ass!!!! We saved each other!
I don’t dwell there anymore, on the abuses, but I do think all of us – old and new chumps – need to be aware of the fact that these disordered x’s are capable of monstrous evil, not just lying and cheating! Some of them can actually rationalize horrendous acts and carry through with them…there are a few of us here that experienced this first hand…my heart goes out to those that have lost their lives or the lives of their loved ones…I want all of us to be safe and go on to have wonderful lives!
I agree with you, Tempest and the rest of us. We do need to form a public image and shout the truth to the world. These monsters should not be allowed to continue to do harm!
I’m not an MD either but I do know there are some poisons that are deposited in hair. The hair can be tested chemically.
What evil monsters they are. The smirk, I still have dreams of him and I’m beating his fucking evil smirk.
When I lost 41 pounds iver a very short period he took credit for my weight loss.
Ugh!!! They are ALL THE SAME donna! satan mentioned my extreme weight loss one day to which I responded, ‘I think I am dying and you are watching me do it…’ Rage flashed in his eyes and he roared, ‘You like looking that way! You should thank me!’
Thank God we are away from them donna!
After the ILYBINILWY, I lost 50 lbs in two months. I couldn’t eat, sleep or do anything. After she said that, she had the dead shark eyes. I’d never seen them in our 30 yrs together. Then I found CL and CN. I immediately knew I’d make it. I gained back 25 lbs and haven’t felt this good since meeting her. I’ve been given my life back.
Same playbook, exasshole playing poor sausage told me how the shit he’d done had helped me cos look at all the weight I lost. I was a fucking skeleton and it aged me badly. WTF, guess it’s just more rationalization
The smirk. That FUCKING SMIRK that I used to see in my dreams too Donna – my ex was never able to control his smirk while he was slowly watching the light go out in my eyes with every cruel word. It jolted me into realizing what a soulless, pig he was, more than anything he ever said or that I discovered. I have never seen another human being do such a thing!
The smirk! What are these creatures?
Jeep he sounded like he was trying to drive you mad. “I don’t care about you” followed by “I love you.” ??
Totally creepy and I am so glad you are out of there and that you have your loyal dog and your firearm.
You also have my prayers.
I think so too Finally realized…he was trying to make me fit the smear campaign description he was circulating. I know that I did think I was crazy for a long time…and that I was just going to go ahead and die…I didn’t think I was strong enough to navigate the maze of the insanity…he also meowed at me for over 6 months…
Four or five years from start to finish (I lost track in the ensuing court dates), I have now left those that are fence sitting behind and am now surrounded by amazing, honest, encouraging friends that have my back. It is a totally new experience for me after 36 years with satan and his also narc friends and family. I wish him / them no ill will – just that he and they stay as far away from me as they can and leave me out of their conversations. He is no longer in control of me or my life or abusing Beau the Wonder Rescue Dog 😀 We are truly BLESSED! 😀
Jeep, that meowing story is probably the creepiest thing I’ve seen on this blog. Your ex really does deserve the name Satan. He is evil. I pray you have a restraining order, and I am SO glad you’re away from that with your lovely Beau!
Beau and I are happy to be away from satan FMT! I can’t imagine, and don’t want to, how his life is panning out…I wouldn’t be able to sleep or function if I had tortured ANYONE the way he tortured us…it is hard to fathom that anyone would or could be so evil. Hard to believe he behaved that way – and the monstrous behaviors started months and months before I saw his ‘super secret cell phone’ (his words), so, yes, I think he was trying to put me in a place where I would just kill myself from sheer agony. I feel fortunate to have been so confused and messed up during those last couple of years that I couldn’t even begin to wonder what the hell??? I struggled just to hold on to myself.
These people are very dangerous. I hope he is never EVER again allowed to hurt anyone with their love for him. EVER.
FMT…the restraining order expired but I have been in contact with the local police (here in my new location) about the situation and they have assured me they will keep watch. I see them at least 3 times a day – when I am at home – going past my home. I feel better knowing they took it to heart – course there is a record so I am sure they took it seriously. The night he was arrested there were 2 murder suicides of separated couples in this area…I think that is why the police lingered over 1/2 an hour after I made the call – satan had fled the scene…but came back ON FOOT about 1/2 hour later! The officers immediately took him into custody. These disordered types think they are above the law. …so dangerous!
I googled whether chronic infidelity was considered abuse, which led me to a HuffPost article (by CL) which directed me here. Nice to know I am not alone in this experience, though I wish none of us (or our children) had to live though it.
I googled “Infidelity emotional abuse,” found a psychologist who mentioned that Tracy Schorn of Huffington Post fame advocated cheating as emotional abuse. Found a HuffPo column, then chumplady.com, and ….The clouds parted and the sun shone down upon me. ” THIS!” I thought.
Tempest, that’s exactly my experience, though google brought me here immediately on “just found out cheater cheated after divorce.” The clouds really did part and I am going to say strongly and sincerely, CN and CL saved my life, validated my experience, regarded the betrayal and abuse as abuse (no fluff about it, thank you), gave me words to describe my experience that fit like a hand in glove, e.g., kibbles, unveiling the skein of fuckupedness, meh, DDay, provided support of the highest level not found anywhere else on the web, and gives me a daily dose of understanding. DD for me was June 20, 2014 and I remember getting here and reading the what do I do now articles, which felt like I had come home after being derailed.
The clouds parted and the sun shone down upon me. ” THIS!” I thought.
Tempest, I absolutely LOVE your way with words!
I’m going to add a rainbow came out bright and beautiful!!!
I had never read a blog, or would’ve ever googled a term relating to the nightmare I divorced from…..had it not been an acquaintance that mentioned CL helped her gain a life! Connected and amused was instant the first time I read CL and realized I was part of CN. I am grateful to find a nation that knows heartbreak and beyond! The word mighty gave me hope!
I will never forget that nearly tangible sense of relief upon finding this site. I was in complete despair, but I felt an enormous wave of anguish lift off after reading a single post. I got up and ate food for the first time in days. I built a fire in my fireplace and continued reading. The well articulated ideas and especially the humor provided so much understanding and strength to move forward. Thank you ChumpLady, for your perseverance and your authentic voice. You continue to help us all. <3
Yes, that sounds like me, too! Great description of the feeling of relief. As soon as I read about ‘loving’ the Wire Monkey, because that’s all we knew, I was hooked! All the massive mindgames of X were revealed, and I knew I was reacting normally to abuse and gaslighting. ChumpLady helped me feel like I was not the crazy one, like he kept saying.
I will send anyone here who needs the 2 x 4 of reality. The truth is better, even if it hurts.
As far as which phrase I was searching, I think it was something like- Husband loves me and his Mistress, what can I do? So pathetic (much better now).
I can’t remember how I ended up on CL one miserable day of 2014, but it was exactly what I needed. What I like best about this site is that people sound honest, straightforward, responsible, compassionate, intelligent. All of them have worked very hard at making their lives as good as they could, and got betrayed while doing so.
On other sites that I tried, about infidelity, about breakups, it’s an endless freakshow: woman in open marriage gets hurt by Nth boyfriend because he dated another (duh !), woman who enjoyed getting paid for sex (wtf ?) believes lover was sincere and married another woman reluctantly (huh ?), drug addict / alcoholic can’t get over his ex, etc. After a while I think that I am too normal to be there, they gross me out, and I return to CN.
However, I wonder, how many more months will I be reading these posts ? How long does it take to get over the pain of major betrayal ? Isn’t it bad to focus on those terrible things that happened to us, doesn’t the focus make them even more important ?
It’s okay to graduate, and it’s also okay to pay it forward to a new chump who might not be as far along on the journey as you are.
One thing I like about my site is that the goal is to make myself obsolete. People do gain lives, out grow the pain, get to meh. They write me sometimes and I’m always happy to hear about the promotion or engagement or new thing.
But I’m also VERY grateful to anybody who sticks around and helps the newbies. I never would’ve gotten through infidelity if it weren’t for a lot of online chumps leading the way for me. The problem, I found, was that those beacons were mixed in with a lot of (also well-meaning, but IMO misguided) folks in reconciliation, or attempted reconciliation — and the support therefore was often muddled. (And if you’re not reconciling, having to support “waywards” is counterproductive, IMO.)
Anyway, I thought the infidelity support world needed an alternative voice, so I created this place.
My past cheater relationship doesn’t grieve me, my son is 18 and I don’t have to deal with his litigious mentally ill father, and I’m “over it.” Except that I remember how painful and lonely those experiences were, so I keep at this blogging thing.
And I love the community here. The humor. The wisdom. The way people pull for each other. I still learn new things. So just because you stick around doesn’t mean you’re pathetic or focusing on bad stuff or whatever. There are always going to be people who challenge our boundaries. There are other life chump moments.
And the co-parenting with a fuckwit thing goes on for YEARS, so no shame in seeking support, IMO.
Stay, go, it’s no one’s business but your own. But offering support to others, isn’t “staying focused on terrible things.” Terrible things happen, good people help you through them.
CL, when I first came here, It scared me a little that some of the people who were at Meh, or remarried, or claiming to be free of their cheater and never happier, were still on the site. I thought ‘why are you still here if it’s been 5 years?’ Does that mean I’ll still be in this awful pain in 5 years? But now I get it. The comradery and humor and support extend beyond the experience that unites us. We are a little community here and I can vent to my virtual friends things my IRL friends would never quite understand. I’m thankful for you all!
As a chump several years after the fact I think of chumplady.com like a VFW hall for veterans of infidelity. We’ve been through a kind of hell that other folks can’t understand and that’s not acceptable to discuss in mixed company. There is support in that common experience, and camaraderie and humor as well. Come on in, be yourself, don’t apologize. Have a virtual beer with folks who understand before you have to return to the larger (and generally smug) world of family, friends, and work. This place doesn’t define me, but it does warm my heart.
Nomar, well stated as always. Having said that, it will have to be a virtual glass of bubbles for me !! 🙂
Nomar, very well said! This is where I know I will understand, and be understood.
That’s it exactly!
Well said, Nomar. I’m firmly at meh myself and have been for quite a while – but its like any forum the world over. Its just that this one the members are drawn together through a situation that happened to them, rather than a common interest.
Plus, this site is very helpful when navigating non-romantic relationships, to spot Cluster B’s and so forth, as well. The advice given here can be used to better your own life in general.
Oh, that’s such a great analogy, Nomar. It’s perfect.
THE VFW…..Love it….Veterans of Family War.
And what we have been thru is a WAR….With wounded children, wounded selves, enemy attacks, spies, friendly fire….
Great analogy Nomar. I have always enjoyed your insight.
This site saved me…..
I’d read your stories and realize there are others who get the pain….because my married friends who have been as awesome as they can be….don’t get it. They’ve stuck with me….but it’s been hard for them to get the trigger emotions….or the sudden rage….or the memory lane breakdown.
Tracy…The Chump Lady …..Saved my life.
You all that comment, cheer, pray, encourage….saved my life. And continue to throw life lines to others.
Yes, well stated, traumatic events due to infidelity is why we come back, it is why we need each other, and it is what we are recovering from. I have never gotten the sense that people are stuck here and in fact, I truly live for some of the old timers and their words of wisdom helps me tremendously! Processing trauma takes time and support and this is the place for that. It does truly bond people. While my regular circle of family and friends have provided significant amounts of empathy for me, I just don’t always want to go there for fear of overloading. Thank you CN for always listening to me.
I see this place as a place of reality, education, and of hope. I’m still around despite being long past D-day because I want to pay it foreward too. If my story can save just one life I will be happy.
I came to Chump Lady through Out Of The Fog, a site for people dealing with cluster B’s in all their dysfunction. Someone mentioned this site, left a link which I followed, and I’ve been coming around ever since. It has helped so much in making sense of what happened in my marriage to cheater ex ……aka Mr. murderous malignant narcissist. This is where I figured out it wasn’t all my fault. Plus I absolutely love folks who tell it like it is.
Nicely said CL. I sense a lot of advancement in people’s experiences here as a process toward meh. It really is a process and I don’t discount the need to relate, educate, support. People are in different stages here and have commonly experienced significant trauma by their cheaters. What I need is to be a part of the whole thing: maybe helping someone by sharing my experience, relating to someone venting, learning from someone further down the road, getting perspective when I am in a particularly down place, laughing, and primarily being validated for the experience that it is – abuse. I wondered too for a minute about the focus, but quickly realized that what I get from this site is an emphasis on healing and movement, born out of the first and important recognition that infidelity is abuse, that there is simply no justification for it, and that it takes time to heal. I have not found any other sites that get this.
ChumpB; well stated. Most people who knew us before, were blown away by the rage that ensues after this level of betrayal. You just gotta be around people that get it to maintain any sanity. Friends don’t recognize the devastated, angry new you.
Am still kind of embarrassed about how many people I told looking for support in confusion and desperation.
Don’t be embarrassed! There is nothing wrong with looking for support and comfort when you are in pain. My mother did the same thing after my father dropped his mask. For a while, some folks were taken aback, but as bio-dad slowly alienated everyone else, they rallied around her. She is now the most beloved woman in my hometown. I wish the same support for you.
Wonderful answer. Thank you. I will be pleased to continue reading this blog then, and even commenting since we are welcome as not-so-fresh chumps.
Chump Lady, I recently read the book by Hoda Kotb. One of her messages is “Don’t hog your journey. It isn’t just for you.” She had a bad divorce and breast cancer, and was pretty much hiding from it. A man on a plane gave her the above advice, and it changed her life.
You don’t know the good you can do in another person’s life by sharing your journey/story/whatever you want to call it. Recently, I told a friend about creepy ex’s cheating. She knows we are divorced, but not why. She then told me a mutual friend is going through the same thing. I had no idea, but I’m going to let her know I’m there for support if she needs it. You can’t hide your light under a barrel. Thank you, Hoda.
Wow, I love that Hoda Kotb quote. Thanks, Anita — I’m posting it in my cubicle!
You’re welcome, Fifi. It’s not exact, but u think it’s pretty close. Hoda may have said “your story.” Can’t remember.
ChumpLady-I nominate you for sainthood, Nobel Peace Prize, or Publisher’s Clearing House prize, or some such honor. You have worldwide fans and have performed a great service for woman and mankind. We humbly thank you for keeping this blog going.
I found ChumpLady through the recommendation of a very wise individual counselor I saw. Needless to say I didn’t continue her services long after this discovery.
I can feel myself on the way to Meh but will still come back here for the amazing support. Thanks to all!
Seconding the vote for the Nobel Peace Prize – but those things only go to people who are in it for the validation (ie. narcs), and not people who actually promote peace.
The world would be such a better place if everyone called out arseholes on their bullshit.
ChumpLady; Great point that just because one is no longer being cheated on that they are not being “chumped” in a variety of other ways. So true.
Chumpy folks (like me) project their trust and integrity onto others and can end up in a world of crap due to it. I have been chumped financially too many times, or believed people were friends who were not, etc. The sad part that I have learned here at CL is that most Chumps are articulate, caring and wonderful people whom the disordered search for and prey upon like a spider in a web. They know you will “believe” them until you can’t.
It has been almost 5 years since I discovered what I thought was a great marriage was a complete sham. I have made a new life for myself and consider myself “healed”. Why do I continue to come here? All of the above. I love the perspective I get here and the people are amazing. After feeling like a freak, I feel normal. I know what happened is not my fault and I feel comfortable expressing my emotions.
There is another reason, though. At some point, my civilian friends expected me to “get over it”, on their timeline, of course. I began to feel like I was bothering people if I even mentioned what X’s cheating did to my psyche. But I have learned that traumatic events stay with a person, even after “recovery”. I compare it to losing a loved one suddenly and tragically. In order to live a productive life, it was necessary to accept what had happened. The scar remains, even though the wound has healed. I have not found any resource or website to be as helpful to my emotional recovery as this wonderful site. I never feel like I am somehow stuck just because I want to talk about what X’s cheating did to me.
Having survived a very public humiliation, I also hope that my comments occasionally help those folks who are just starting out on his difficult path. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even on those days it seems things cannot get any worse.
So,many, many thanks to Chump Lady and Chump Nation for the words of wisdom and encouragement. Many of us have made it to the other side because you were there to show us how to keep going. Tracy, you serve a vital role in helping folks recover from one of the worst traumas imaginable. You’re the bomb!
I am firmly at meh, but I stick around to help the newbies. I remember when I was going through this shit and how completely thankful I was to have found people that understood what I was going through. These people saved me. Their encouragement, the kind words, the acknowledgment that infidelity and all that comes with it is one of the hardest things you will go through. I needed that so much at that time. Like I said, these people literally saved me.
I found CL one month after Dday#2 after googling for advice on how to divorce a cheater…kept me from making more mistakes like the pick me dance or sending crazy revenge letters, even though when I did go against CL´s advice (like talking to the OW) it usually backfired, and I had to repeat the mantra “CL is always right” to get through the divorce year (2014) and recovery year (2015). Now I am almost at “meh”….slowly but surely, thanks to CL and CN!
Chumpita! Good work! Same with the reaching out to the whore. It seriously backfired.
Think I searched about ‘ gaslighting’ and voila…. Chump Lady
I read that as gaslighting and vodka!
“gaslighting and vodka”: one is an intoxicating and destructive force that corrodes clear thinking and ruins lives, and the other is a kind of alcohol.
Hahahaha. Hilarious, Nomar.
I think I was googling things like ‘what percentage of men leave their wives for their mistress’ and ‘do marriages end over MLC affairs’ and shit like that and ended up in the RIC sites. I was learning about the 180 and how to ‘make the marriage the better option,’ and while I would have listened to just about anything in those early dark days, something just nagged at me about that advice. I knew that the marriage, with a faithful loving wife and a home and family already was the better option, and I’d be damned if I was going to audition for my own marriage. Someone on the site made a comment about the pick me dance and posted a link to CL. THANK GOD for that link. This site truly changed the trajectory of my post D-Day life, and probably cut my ‘recovery’ time in half. I can’t imagine the state I’d be in if in my desperation I had gone the RIC route. I don’t know who posted the link, but whoever you are fellow chump, a million Thank Yoooooooous!!!!
Carmella1722; Love that “I will be damned if I am going to audition for my own marriage.” Great point, that is the position we are put in.
I now see I was constantly auditioning for my marriage without ever knowing about it. I was constantly being compared to his new fuckbuddy from Ashley Madison, or the flirtatious graduate student (sometimes favorably–I have some creepy comments from him stuck in my head, and sometimes not). There there were the spells with APs where it was 2 against 1 in the marriage, again, known only in retrospect.
Wish I’d known I was always auditioning so I could have bailed and moved over to “The Sound of Music” auditions, instead.
Carmella…..oh, my…that is exactly my story. After reading tons of RIC, I said, nope, especially the part of playing the relationship cop….I don’t want to live my life like that. Yes, the tossing of the pig out of the house was hard, but less hard than the stories I’ve read about wreakconcilliation!
“cheating husband always crying”
Nope, just around you. Does he cry while he’s fucking the OW in the Walmart parking lot? Sources say…..
Hahahaha! “Welcome to Walmart, how may we make your shopping experience more enjoyable?”
Chump Lady for the brutal truths win! I found the site via one of the Longest Shortest Time facebook groups. Unsurprising that other parents who care about being parents and like thinking and learning about it would also like this site.
Love that podcast!
I wish I had found ChumpLady after DDay, but that was March 2012; I think her blog started April 2012. The Force was weak in Google at that time.
I saw one of CL’s column on HuffPo in April or May 2013, which was perfect time as the divorce was just finalized, I had to death with the aftermath of ex telling he was Getting marries/moving/starting a new family.
Been here ever since… t this poInt.
I originally found Psychopath Free dot com. It was a great start. Then someone suggested Chump Lady dot com. I found my people here. Thank you all for saving my life.
You saved your own life Marked711, you always did, you always will.
Also was constantly looking & didn’t seem like it was fair advice i was getting online or in these books. That the cheated on was somehow to blame, that infidelity is “normal” or one needs to forgive no matter how damaging to his/her life. Was years in before discovering CL & CN.
Wish CL would have been doing this blog years earlier, I had been looking for something that backed this behavior up as abuse and not to be tolerated. Just thankful she is here now.
Such a mind screw that on top of it all it is your fault? Just did not feel right.
Kept looking and one day simply put in “do cheaters stop lying?” & found this life and sanity saving site.
“Trying to untangle the Skein of Fuckedupness” and the many ways this question could be asked would direct many here.
Argh, iPad freak out, said I hit send before I could finish/proofread.
At this point I stay to help more recent Chumps, and for support dealing with the occasional ex stupidity.
I love that term “Traveling Cheater” ! You made my day. I can wait to get home to read this blog I am reading this in my break! That will be his nickname from now on TC 🙂
I found Chump Lady when I googled “When affair partners marry.” It was one of the best things I ready and I stayed and read for like 5 hours. Now she’s the first website I check each morning.
It was after D-Day one (where I did the Chump boogie after accepting his “remorse”), and I was searching the RIC sites to try get our marriage back on track. I was feeling more conflicted by the day, because something just didn’t feel right, and I didn’t know why and was blaming myself. One day when I opened my Yahoo main page I noticed a Huffington Post article title about infidelity. The intriguing title prompted me to click on the link. Included in the article was a quote from Tracy, aka Chump Lady. It resonated with me and i immediately went to her web page, which I found wise, witty, snarky and hilarious. D-Day two happened very soon after (where I was pimped out on Craigslist). The next day, after my meltdown, when my then-husband was at work, I downloaded CL’s book on Kindle and read it within two hours – because I had realized Unicorns only exist as figurines, mythical movie and cartoon characters and the inspiration of various painting and posters.
I googled “how do you know if he’s really divorced”, (turns out he wasn’t). CL helped me through that fiasco (I was the Spackle Queen), and through the next one (thank you for the resources on controlling/abusive relationships–I had never encountered one before and couldn’t believe it was happening, like the frog in a pot that slowly heats up to boil.)
Now I’m happily not dating at all, getting a life, and if I ever do want to date again, it will be with a considerably fixed picker.
Jedi hugs! Rock on!
Somehow I found Chump Lady right after D-Day (around Halloween). Don’t really know which Google search led me – I’m pretty sure my Guardian Angel had a hand in it.
I found Chump Lady when I googled ‘please heal my broken heart’ and found Kim Saeed and from there I found Chump Lady. That is when I began to actively heal and take charge of my life. Granted it was just baby steps at first but I was taking steps after a year and a half of just sitting in the corner crying and staring off into space…I lost days doing that crap!
The first thing I read was ‘The Unified Theory of Cake’ and found myself laughing uncontrollably and for a long time!!!! I hadn’t laughed – for real body shaking, belly laugh full of joy – for 3 or 4 years!!! THANK YOU CHUMP LADY!!!
I emailed the cake theory to my lawyer with a note saying let’s kick some cake eater ass! (My lawyer is a tiny, blonde pit bull :D) she LOVED IT!
Thank you for helping me pull myself up out of the living hell I was in Tracy and Chump Nation!!! I am MIGHTY and FREE OF THAT DISORDERED ASSHOLE!!!!
THANK YOU ALL!!!!
Good for you, Jeep. Good – For – YOU. The life-changing power of ChumpLady and Chump Nation is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
I am so grateful everyday FiFi!!! I do not believe I would have survived without Tracy and all of you. None of the counselors I sought knowledge, help and relief from ever gave me the strength and conviction I needed to save myself. I got all that here with all of you.
Thank you all!!!
Jedi hugs Jeep. There’s a quote from Cloud Atlas I like very much and you might too. “Truth is singular. Its ‘versions’ are mistruths.” ― David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas
I’ve never heard a more succinct description of gaslighting
Datdamwuf that ‘splains satan perfectly! I do love it!
…I am so proud to be free of him…I am so proud that I had the strength to climb out of that hell.
Thank goodness we all had the strength to leave and to be here to support others in need of clarity and encouragement!
I LOVE Cloud Atlas. Read it many times, watched the movie many times. 🙂
Magic 8 Ball!
I started searching Google because of my anxiety and lack of sleep. I was is in Chump denial I guess. Finally ,Google Searches landed me in many places….not soon enough to find Chum Lady though.
With that said, CL/CN has help me is so many ways to get closer to MEH (I guess after my two girls are off to college and I no longer have to speak with cheating X-Wife elementary school teacher).
I’m looking forward to my Tuesday!
I think I googled “my husband has a girlfriend and he’s making me insane”
I know that every other site I visited (besides Infidelity Help Group) made me feel more insane, but when I got here, it was like the clouds parted and a chorus of angels was singing “Oh Hell to the No”
And the healing began 🙂
LOL Exactly what key does one sing “Oh Hell to the No” in?
I too began to feel just the tiniest seed of “it can possibly, maybe, someday be OK” after I started reading here.
“Oh Hell to the No” – sung to the “Hallelujah Chorus” in Handel’s Messiah
I googled something about Narcissm. I think it was Narcisstic husband or men. CL was about 1/3 of the way down on the first page.
Yes. Me too. Narcissist and cl was among my search options. Hit her link ,started to read and closed all other tabs. Only cl dared to take the other view. I had my views on cheaters before marriage and being cheated on in the marriage confirmed it. It is nothing more than an act of selfishness. Heck I spoke to a cheater who admitted it was something he thought he deserved. I remember thinking what an ass. He lost his wife and kids in the end. Good woman his wife was too.
ChumpLady is, by far, the best advice, therapy, and brick-upside-the-head available on the interwebs. This was the only place that really spoke to me about my cheater wife. The Universal-Bullshit-Translator should be patented. It’s how I know to listen for what my cheater wife DOES NOT say.
Thank you (and Danke! 🙂 ChumpLady!
Gosh, I must of googled “I love you but I’m not in love with you” 100 times. How utterly devastating that was. I had no clue back then (July of 2010) on how to cope with such cruel words. I eventually got to this site, I read, I absorbed, I learned, I trusted then I was able to cope. Thank God and Chumplady!
In retrospect, I wish I knew then what I have learned now from CL this past year of reading. If ANYONE ever hears the excuse “I love you but I’m not in love with you” basically what that means is that it’s justification for doing whatever they are planning on doing.……………………………………….…. and they’re cheating!
Time to tell that turd to go pound some sand!
I love search engine posts! Google key logger and voice activation recorder for the win! Been there done that LOL.
I used to belong to an NPD site way back when. I found a few other sites regarding abuse, so I always believed that cheating was DEFINITELY abusive.
Then one day about a year or so after D-day (my exb/f confessed to having an emotional affair online), my search led me to the Coping with Infidelity section of Talk About Marriage. Someone named ChumpLady posted an AWESOME response to someone and I remember thinking, “Dang! This woman knows her SH*T! Whoever she is, she’s a TERRIFIC writer!”
Little did I know…
So, that day I googled ChumpLady and voila!
Although I don’t post that often, I have been reading here every day for the past 18 months. It took me about 2 years to get to Meh, and by the time I found this site, I was almost there. I’m waaaaay beyond Meh now, lol!
This site continues to hold my interest for several reasons:
1) The author of the site is an OUTSTANDING writer
2) This is one of FEW forums where the community is genuinely supportive and *respectful* of one another. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone here become *DIS-respectful*!
3) The subject matter we discuss is related to cheating but so much of it can be applied to all aspects of relationships in general.
And last but not least…
4) It’s obvious that Tracy/ChumpLady is NOT a narcissist…
…just like the rest of you here at ChumpNatioin! 🙂
I found CL on TAM as well. A guy named Carlton kept ignoring her advice. And, she was right. Every time.
As long as this site is here I will be here for the pain and experience will never go away and I can help others through their journey. I will not let that pain rule my world but anger and pain I will hang onto to help me in the future. After I have moved I want to start a group for chumps like myself, where they can vent, scream, cry and feel they are not alone. That is my wish.
I believe I Google’d “how to get revenge on a cheater” and it took me to a CL article at the Huffington Post. And at first, I was a little miffed at being told to get “revenge” by living a good life.
Now I couldn’t be happier. Fuck him and the whore he rode in on. Fucker is leaving the state next month and (so long as he keeps on paying child support) I couldn’t care less. I only wish he was still with his idiot ex-mistress so he could take her with him and I wouldn’t run into her at comic con again. Go live in Idaho and hand out Books of Mormon and farm potatoes for all I care, ass-clowns.
Oh, oh. Me too. My SEO “term” was “how to get revenge on a cheater.” I sure as shit didn’t want the answer to be: “a life well lived.” Luckily Tracy is an amazing writer. Her words helped me swallow the bitter pill.
Chump Lady for the win.
“Her words helped me swallow the bitter pill.” That sums up Tracy’s gift.
Same here, I found CL also with a search around revenge (on cheater and OW), right after I learned that the OW was moving in and that our kid would be living 50% of her time with them. I had been email only with X for several months, but I was still trying to ‘nice’ my XH into doing the right thing about our divorce, the moment his whore was moving in, I was done being nice.
That “living well is the best revenge” and “NC is the best thing to do” were really tough to swallow. But that day, one comment said that, to narcs, NC and silence feels like the loudest fuck you. BOOM, mind blown. I know my x was a passive aggressive lying cheating coward. But that day I internalized that my X is a passive aggressive covert cluster B. That day, I read the theory of cake and the kibble dispenser posts, and OMG I could so relate to all these dynamics, so many stories were similar to mine. I spent the whole weekend reading the archives and CL’s book.
Since that day, CN has been my sanity check. I read this blog everyday, and have been singing about his adultery like a canary in my community. Nothing loud, just a few choice words that stop all “what happened questions” and Switzerland friends real quick. Several chumps have come to me for advice and I send them to CL.
This community and CL has been key in my ongoing recovery. So when CL comes to my neck of the woods for her book tour this spring, I will be there (and as Luz said in her brilliant guest posts, I will bring Pie Bitches!) When we are set for a summer chump camp (see the private forums for the thread Tempest started on this), I will do my best to be there. Because yes, the pain is finite, and I want to pay forward all the help I have gotten here.
I am far from Meh, but I keep forging on and I am grateful and honored to know that I am doing this among such a kick-ass community of survivors!
Rarity, I just used your line….”the whore he rode in on” with my lawyer….he busted a gut laughing…. Thanks!!!!
Bitter truth of revenge….yea….I hated it was that simple…. because keying his car felt really good…. I confess. Especially when I found out he dropped the comprehensive coverage and he only had liability….which meant…he had to pay out of pocket.
Forgive me of my sins….hail Mary and whoever else….
I happened upon Chump Lady when I was looking up articles on Michele Weiner-Davis’ 180. I suffered a second DDay on Thanksgiving this last year (2015) and was devastated all over again and didn’t know what to do. After DDay 1, I had read about the 180 and was really taken with the ideas because, you know, it still keeps you locked into the relationship with your cheater and that’s what we all want right? At first when I read the article here about the 180 (which logically ripped it apart) I was taken by surprise! “Is this lady actually purporting that I should leave my cheater?” “How dare she!” “Isn’t my ultimate happiness based on being able to MAKE my relationship/marriage work at whatever cost it might take including my very life!?!”
After having this awesome anvil of truth dropped on my head, things started going differently. I started really listening to my heart, which said that I was so tired of being with a man who couldn’t respect me, himself or our marriage. Thankfully we have no children. I’ve been in contact with my parents and family who are nothing but supportive of my moving forward without him. He contacted his parents whom he hadn’t talked to in years and they are really supportive of trying to help him help himself. We are separated right now. I’m preparing to file by the end of February if not sooner. I feel lucky because things are working out and they are working together for my own good, to say nothing of my husband’s. I’ve dealt with his cheating for 2 very long years now and so I come from a little further down the path than just finding out. However, I wish I would have trusted my gut on my first DDay and left right there and then! It’s been 2 of the most awful years of my life.
I have to say “Thank You” to Chump Lady and Chump Nation! I’m finally seeing and feeling clarity! Yay! As Chump Lady is so fond of saying, the pain truly is finite. There are more hard days ahead for me I know, but I’m feeling better each and every day.
I remember reading all that other stuff that you so well sum up as “Isn’t my ultimate happiness based on being able to MAKE my relationship/marriage work at whatever cost it might take” and thinking this doesn’t feel right, my gut was just screaming NO! NO! NO! until I got here.
Jedi hugs Sewingchump! I sometimes wish I had more to respond with but other times it just feels like a hug is good too
I was reading a narcissist blog and the writer (Savannah Grey I think) included a list of other blogs which she felt may be helpful. Chump Lady was included with a caveat warning of cursing and ‘take no prisoners’ harsh language. I immediately said ‘I’m in!” and the rest is history.
Having come out of a terrible 24 yr marriage with a raging abusive alcoholic narc and then 18 months with cheater abusive alcoholic narc XBF, I definitely was at a very low point. CL and CN have kept me among the living, there is NO doubt. There is no one else in my life, you are my lifeline.
I am beginning to think I can see “Meh” in the distance…..my heart is much less heavy and torturous memories, when triggered, are less impactful.
There are no other words but —Thanks, y’all!!!!
I found CL through my counselor. She was counseling both my H and I. She could see right through him (he soon decided he didn’t need counseling, and stopped going) she didn’t want to tell me what to do, cos I have to realize that for myself, but she had me write down chumplady.com and told me to google it and read everything……I’m so glad she did. CL and CN have saved my sanity.
My brother had sent me a you tube video of a woman beating the crap out of an expensive car with a golf club after finding out her husband had cheated on her. I was trying to find the video link to show a friend and googled something about getting revenge for cheating.
And there she was in all her potty mouthed splendour!
Yay Chumplady and Chump Nation!
I was googling about being suddenly abandoned. I found http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/ and a link in Lisa’s article “Pros and Cons of a Disappearing Act”
That is exactly how I found CL too! It led me here to CN, this Road Less Traveled That Has Made All the Difference.Thanks Chump Lady!
Oh how I wish CL/CN, or even the internet, existed when I first met the cheating piece of dog shit who eventually became my husband, then ex-husband and sperm donor for 3 of my 4 children. He was always an asshole with a “poor sausage” narrative, so the poor sausage belief obscured the asshole reality.
With that being said, I found CL when she was referenced by a poster on Surviving Infidelity. The poster referenced CL stating that she was a good source when reconciliation was not an option. I thought, “that’s me!” because Cheater EX had already decided that after over 25 years of marriage he had finally “found” (even though they had known each other as children and she had come trolling for him 20 years earlier) true love. No knock to SI, but reading there made me MORE depressed, if that was even possible.
I then typed chumplady.com into my browser and for the first time in a long time started to feel slightly empowered – my mighty started to assert itself. This site literally saved my life. I’m sure those RIC sites serve a purpose in some people’s lives, but they would have surely caused me to end mine. Whatever else I didn’t know at the time, I KNEW I did not want to spend what remained of my life trying to “take the high road” of self-abuse to remain “amicable” with someone who had repeatedly shown that they cared nothing about me.
I found this site within a month of finding my therapist – I consider it a divine collaboration and intervention. Both helped me find my metaphorical “balls.”
I love this site – it is my safe place where, in a world where infidelity is tolerated or “forgiven,” my opposite point of view on that topic is repeatedly validated.
Thank you CL and CN. Love to you all.
Lol, badass bitches don’t need balls, he’ll those things are fragile! You rock Chump Princess
“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
― Betty White
Thank you, Chumptitude! Well-placed!
Y’all are such a kind and grateful bunch of folks. May I make a suggestion? See that “DONATE” button down at the bottom of this page? How about we put our money where our mouths are? (NOT- pay money to have someone put their mouth on you – like a cheater would.) Suggested donation amounts are: the copay for your therapist; the money you saved by not doing the “pick-me” dance with a marriage counselor; or even, “give till it hurts.”
Also, head over to Amazon and pre-order Chump Lady’s next book.
What a truly lucky bunch of Chumps we are. Pay it forward, but pay Tracy too.
Great ideas, Ian!! The added bonus is that pre-ordering her book (I ordered 3 copies) is that it will help the chances of her book hitting #1 the week it comes out (as pre-orders count as first week sales). Let’s get Chumplady noticed and part of the public dialogue.
Viva la Chump Revolution!
I’m reading her new book right now (lucky lucky me) and it’s FABULOUS. I’ll preorder a couple for gifts, as well. Great idea.
I googled “is cheating abuse?”
I can’t express how much it helped me to find a space where ex’s behavior was actually named for what it was. CL’s commentary helped me realize that my own well being was worth more than a toxic relationship with someone who constantly hurt me. Thank you, CL.
I had filed for divorce in 2012 and was very sad about having to do it. I spent so many hours online reading about divorce and reconciliation. Months later, I was on Huffington Post on their divorce site reading when I came across a reference to Chump Lady. I got hooked on reading Chump Lady but was still disbelieving that my husband could be SO rotten because I suffered only ONE affair in our marriage and to read some of these other stories here my husband didn’t’ seem THAT bad. ‘Wreckonciled’ with the husband only to have him majorally screw me and my family over financially… Sigh. My addiction to hopium was bad having been married to him for 21 years. Yet, after suffering a his covertly planned financial D-day last June, I can proudly say I am no contact going on 7 months now. My finances are SHIT and I am battlle sadness, depression and enertia. I don’t want to do antidepressants. For the last 7 months I cleaned up my diet on the Whole30 program, been exercising faithfully and have lost 30 pounds. Moving forward slowly and thinking about my Tuesday… Thanks Chump Lady and CN. If it wasn’t’t for this blog I would be forever in the black hole of ‘wreckonciliation’- always anxious and miserable knowing I could never feel safe forever tethered to narcissist!
Jedi hugs Hope! You are mighty!
Thanks Datdumwuf. Still, can’t believe that I let the asshole mess up my happiness, healthy sense of self and confidence; I gave him WAY too much importance and ignored SO many red flags. I also can’t believe I allowed myself to breed with that guy. I was never physically abused but it sure feels that way emotionally. One thing though, as long as I stay NO CONTACT I am moving forward even though it feels like meh and Tuesday’s are far, far away.
Hope49….good for you….really. Emotional and FINANCIAL abuse is real. It didn’t click for me the financial abuse until sitting in the pych ward of the hospital and the women shelter called my room…because a nurse called the women’s shelter for me. At 3am…this voice read the pamphlet….made me repeat.what domestic violence was…. click…click…I could hear the tumblers of my.brain clicking.
Keep being mighty….Tuesday is around the corner
Tracy, financial abuse is Domestic Violence! Things such as taking your paycheck, overdrawing your joint account repeatedly, spouse spending their money on God-knows-what while you pay the bills, refusing to tell you how much they make, hiding money, or X’s fav – berating/verbally abusing me into paying for things I am opposed to (like sending his crazy brother money, or spending over 600.00 a month on a garage for his old cars !).
My life is SOOOO much simpler now, I work and pay my bills, save, give to causes I care about, and spend my money on self-care.
I HATE financial abuse! It’s so insulting!
You made such a good point about cheaters planning the discard once we catch them, and cheating once or 17 times reflects their untrustworthiness.
The limited PLANNED for a full year and was talking about buying a house together the month before slunT gave him a blow job.
For newbees it is important to monitor your finances and take steps to protect yourself if your magical thinking leads you to thinking they will change.
Cheaters enjoy leaving us in a state of disrepair emotionally and financially.
The Limited expected me to be homeless grovelling for him to come back. Instead I filed without a dime in the bank and supported my family.
In the 19 months since DDay I have little debt. Point- they don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves.
I’ve been following CL/CN for more than two years now. I can’t remember how I landed here, but I’ve stayed because of the raw honesty. I’m over the ex, but sometimes need a lttle reminder that he is and always will be an asshole.
I don’t remember exactly how I stumbled on CL, but I know I started out googling emotional affairs and then gaslighting, and KA-BOOM!
I was somehow lucky enough to land here within mere days of DDay. I left without even mentioning the Clueless Twatwaffle to the snake, because I knew it would only bring on more abuse, and I’d fucking had enough.
This site helped me find that spark of righteous anger that turned into a flame propelling me to GTFO.
I googled how to coparent with a narcissist.
Nowdeadwife told the /boyfriends/ that she loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me. Never did get around to telling me that. The sexless marriage (except when we were intentionally trying to procreate) should probably have been a clue, but it was masked somewhat by [apparently] legitimate chronic health issues.
Can’t remember how I found Chumplady. I love the straight talk . I keep coming here to make sure I’m not falling for bullshit. Thanks for keeping it real.
Fellow teacher first gave me the word narcissist then found a NY times divorcing a narcissist article that came up on FB – then started following the links to other articles and different sites came up. FB started posting from other sites based on my searches and this one came up… I’m a huge fan!!
I can’t remember exactly what I googled to get here…………….it was probably “husband won’t admit cheating” or “husband not sorry for cheating” But what I can remember is that finding & reading this blog saved me and my son from more years of heartache and despair with iPorn Cheater McGee.
Tracy & CL cut through the B.S. and helped me find my way when I felt like the world was crumbling around me. I was able to focus on myself and get away from untangling the skein, find my backbone, make a plan, and use my anger to give me purpose. Even my therapist loved this site! I was able to finally understand that he is responsible for all his shitty actions & character-NOT ME. And that his issues were there before me & will continue to be there after me….it is not a reflection on me.
Although divorce is not final yet, I am feeling better (though not at meh just yet) and looking forward to my cheater free future with my beautiful son. I can’t go no contact because of my boy, but iPorn Cheater McGee doesn’t mess with me too much anymore. Thanks to CL & CN-he knows I won’t put up with his BS anymore…I see him so clearly now and call him on it every chance I get-I know it scares him.
Sadly, I lost my mom last month before Christmas which has been so hard for me. But before my mom died she told me that after her death, I would get my freedom which made her happy. She talked about it being her final gift to me and my son. Once her estate is settled, we will be able to start a new life with what she left us. I miss her terribly but I plan on making her (and my son) proud of me with this second chance for a new & better life.
Sorry for your loss of your Mom. What a beautiful thing she said to you. And that she was able to leave you something to help you. One of the things I’m grateful for is that both my parents were long gone before d-day so they never had to know what asshole did to me.
Thank you Muse-you are too kind. I have good days & bad days about my mom. It now been 30 days…..and I am back to work.
I also wanted to tell you that you have been an inspiration me over the last 2 years since I have joined CN.
I’m sad that my dad was gone before DDay…..He would have given stbx the what for! But the truth is, my mom was a pillar of strength for me after DDay. She wasn’t close enough for me to move in with but her emotional support & prior chump experience really helped me. My mom’s first husband chumped her and left her with a 4 year old when she was 6 months pregnant…His secretary who was the OW was pregnant too. My mom as well as CL & CN helped me navigate the disaster & pick up my pieces.
The money from mom’s estate will allow me to relocate with my son since Assclown refuses to leave our property….
I can’t wait for that day!!!!
wow… (and thank you). What she must have gone through being chumped in a time when there was even more stigma and shame associated with infidelity than there is now. Best to you on your relocation!
Current Chump–I’m very sorry about the loss of your mother. That is a huge emotional hit to take in the midst of all this. I’m sure she was happy that her estate would fuel your new life.
Current Chump I’m so sorry about the loss of your Mom. That is a great pain to bear at any point in life but during a divorce and at Christmas time must have made it even harder.
I’m sure it gave her comfort as she knew she was moving on to her new life to know that she was able to help you move on to yours too. As a mother myself I can only imagine the peace that gave her. What a beautiful legacy to her memory to build a new life for yourself and your son with her help.
She must have been so proud of you to have seen you stand up and be mighty and begin your divorce. Im sending you much love. Be strong.
So sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your son peace.
My therapist suggested journaling or finding a blog as an alternative to revenge. I never considered he was a narcissist until my therapist labeled him as such after the first hour. I was in the”I can’t believe it”, or should I say accept it until I researched narcissistic abuse for days on end. This led my to Lady With A Truck. She opened my eyes with the three stages of narcissistic abuse. I cried for hours knowing I went through this cycle repeatedly throughout my marriage. Love you LWT. She gave me the strength to fight as she gave me hope. I found CL tucked away and after that first click I knew I found the door to recovery. It was a fight for my life. 24/7 2×4’s, knowing you are never alone and the pain is finite. I finally found a way to face the pain. Love all of you in this great nation.
Oh yes donna!!!! LADY WITH A TRUCK!!!! Carrie!!! Yes! Carrie helped me also!!!! She gives so much!!!
…I think we need to help Carrie also…my heart goes out to her.
I read that blog too… what happened to her?
I think I have just always loved you TheMuse 😀
Carrie is struggling MIGHTILY…she and Irish and others here need any help we can give.
Tempest, can we?????
Chump Nation ya WANNA???
Let’s do it!
I don’t have much but I am willing and WANT TO help!
Muse–Carrie is still there but has undergone a lot of financial trouble recently, also some heart related health scares. She has started a ‘pay membership’ blog in order to bring in some money. I know she still visits CL….So, Carrie if I misrepresented this, please excuse me 🙂
is there a link to where to help? thanks!!
Looks like there is a Donation link on the right side of her blog:
I just read Lady with a Truck’s post on domestic violence and it blew me away. It is just so true. I remember an event many years ago, in my early 20s and when I had only been with physically abusive first husband a short while. I was at McDonald’s, and Oprah or someone had battered women on that day. I thought all the things the article talked about. ” That will never happen to me. I won’t let it.”. Yet, it did, and I did. I’m still not sure how it happened, but it did. I still can’t understand it. Never think it can’t happen to you is all I can say.
Hesatthecurb and everyone else who is asking about me, THANK YOU! so much!! Yes I always check out CL. I think I found her when someone on my blog mentioned this site. I love this place and CL’s straight forward advice! I love any site that doesn’t candy coat it and says it like it is. I started m blog 5 years ago and like CL I am long over my “waste of skin ex” but keep the blog going because I don’t want any woman to doubt their sanity and go through the hell I went through for 10+ years. I don’t post as much lately because as mentioned I am going through a bad time financially. I started the new blog that was going to focus on personal growth and being the best version of you that you can be but I was going through such a crappy time I just could not muster up the positive energy necessary, so it is on hold for now. I have full intentions of bringing it back if I can ever get my life on track.
I also do have health issues, heart to be exact and just saw the doctor today and it looks like surgery will be in my near future. Some blocked arteries, may need a pace maker.
I actually was in my blog checking stats, search terms to be exact LOL and I noticed I had 14 hits coming from CL’s site. I usually have one or two but 14 got my curiosity up so I clicked on the link and here I am!!
Thank you all for your concern! Any help would be greatly appreciated but certainly not expected!
Chump Lady, didn’t mean to hijack your post; just wanted to respond to the comments. You do a wonderful public service here!! I am constantly blown away by how many people have experienced almost exactly the same thing. When I was going through it I thought I was all alone, I wish this site would have been around back then!
All the best to everyone! Don’t just survive; thrive!
I found CL while surfing infidelity sites. She was the first one I found that didnt blame the betrayed in some way. And shes wicked funny! So now I am hooked. Why do these so called EXPERTS acknowledge that 70 percent of cheaters are in “happy” or “very happy” marriages…but still insinuate that we share the blame somehow and need to accept Our Part in the infidelity? Wait…if mr cheaterpants is Happy…we are still partly to blame? Should we have made him Unhappy? Please explain, Experts. Im glad youre here, CL, to give us a haven of sanity amid the craziness.
I found ChumpLady when I was in click hole about disordered characters and I found a George Simon interview about character disturbance. I clicked through some link and I was like “OMG – I have found my people”. As an aside, disordered character describes my my STBX to a T. I particularly like the part about when they say “I don’t know” (and I have heard “I don’t know” over and over and over when I challenge him about why he’s such a garbage person)… They actually do know, they just know that the answer is not socially acceptable
Me: What the fuck is wrong with you
Him: I don’t know
Me: I know… lying sack of shit.
Him: I know.. I’m sorry, I just… I don’t know.
I think that I’m entitled to an affair because I’m me and you – aka the wife appliance – is not something I want any more. But it will cost me money to get rid of you so I will just live a double life and hope that you will put it up with it so that I don’t have to experience hardship or consequences.
“OMG – I have found my people”.
Yup, found my peeps in December 2012, 8 months post D-Day and 3 months post-divorce. It was like the clouds parted, the rays of sun shone through, and choruses of angels sang. I read all the articles and comments I could in one night. For the first time, someone gave me words and understanding, and somehow gave me an ordered and sane way to understand the disordered and manipulative pathology of my ex.
I am happily remarried now to a fellow chump. I don’t think I could’ve gotten here without Tracy and Chump Nation. And I come back here because I still have moments of angst about my ex (especially since he abandoned our children), to help support other members of CN, and because the members of CN are truly rockin’ human beings.
Seems I found you only a day or two after you launched and after seeing so many of the stupid RIC sites -that I think my desperation lead to a google search that was something like “cheater mindfuck”. Found my Oasis. I might not comment often, but I’m a faithful follower. Though I’m kinda sad to see there are no comments from people saying they found you from my facebook page. I certainly recommend you often. Maybe they just lurk and learn, and that’s good, too.
I don’t remember how I stumbled upon CL but I’m glad I did, I think I may have typed in something about personality disorders or narcissists and I hit the jackpot. Never realised how many of these assholes were out there all singing the same tune. Pieces of shit all of them!
I Googled ‘brain tumor’ and ‘complete personality change’ and found Midlife Crisis site. It was helpful and somebody there mentioned C/L. I quit my therapist shortly after and haven’t needed therapy since. Wonder how much money you’ve saved me Chumplady!!
I found you through Daily Strength too!
I googled, “My husband cheated on me…now what?”
Can you tell I was a clueless chump searching for answers!?!
Of course, the answers I wanted was that he was just going through a mid-life crisis, it was a mistake, he would realize the errors of his ways, seek true forgiveness, and we would live happily ever after.
Can you tell I was clueless!?!
I visited lots of sites that kept me clueless and in false reconciliation.
Thankfully, when I got a clue that things still weren’t right, I googled again…don’t remember the words, but Chumplady was there like a beacon in the night. I started reading her blogs, got her book on my kindle, and never looked back!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! CL and Chump Nation saved me!
I googled “skinny hollom hooker cream” and it brought up this site. It was serendipitous that I also was someone who’d been cheated on, so I decided to hang around. 😉
OMG, that is hilarious!!!
I googled “my husband says he isn’t happy and is done” or something along those lines and thank God I did and found CL and CN!!!!
Being the ultimate Amazon chump, I bought the book first. Chump Lady’s was the ninth infidelity book I read. Devoured it in one sitting and had the, holy shit, it’s not all my fault epiphany. All-consuming sadness began to recede. The web address is on the back cover, and here I am.
I typed in google search how come it took him 23 years to blow our marriage up. Landing me here.
Googled, “mistakes cheaters make that cause permanent damage”. In HIS WORLD,years of lying mean by his definition, the “Statute of Limitations” had run out before he even confessed. Oh, and even though he knew it would crush me, he lied and snuck to see her, and since he denies a sexual relationship, this is not his definitIon of “infidelity”. He went on day dates with her, as her husband worked. Pushing the stroller, front-packing her babies, for a dozen years. Seriously, she must have told her husband that her guy friend was gay, OR Like MY husband, she was as sneaking too. No remorse. No real apologies. No compassion. Yep. ” How to permanently crush a soul.”
Somehow ended up here and the word CHUMP hit me over the head like a two by four. I read about kibbles and cake, and started to realize that I was a Chump for sixteen years. This was six months out from DDay and I had been sitting here ready to forgive Cheater for ‘simply falling in love with someone else’ when I stumbled on proof of prior affairs right around when I found Chump Lady. This was a revelation to me as I knew deep down that I never said no to this man, gave him everything he asked for, supported him financially and even tolerated all his verbal and sexual abuse and this was how he repaid me after I was so trusting! Then it hit me that it was because I was so trusting that he had gotten away with it all utterly covertly for so long…. I was a Chump. I was Chumped. That pretty much says it all and it really resonated with me. CL published my letter that I’m now embarrassed to have written, so caught up in Cheater’s tangled skein I was at the time. But I can look back and see how far I’ve come in two years.
While I did therapy for awhile, like many others, I found sanity here, validation, encouragement, advice, and some really brave, good people. I even got to meet some in person at a meetup! The support and camaraderie and yes, ability to pay it forward, are epic here. And even the 2 x 4s are amazing. It’s wonderful to have a place where you can say literally anything, which real life friends cannot always understand.
CL, I love this post, I hate the graphic, Google is not all that, sayin peopl are desperate if they go past the first few pages is wrong, they are smart, today the first page is paid sites, you should always go past it. And for info try a search that doesn’t bump up those who pay, course it might make you nuts. Search on https://duckduckgo.com and see the difference
This PSA brought to you be someone that does security and analytics, keep Google but add duck, lol.
PS: when I found your site you came up in the “God help you” pages, long time ago
Google is all about the money. It tries to hide behind its ultra super secret “analytics”, but the fact is no pay, no play.
I googled everything from, how do I save my marriage, how to I keep my husband and all the rest of that bullshit that we all seem to go through. I cannot remember exactly how I got to CL, but my god I am glad I did. Since then Everything has fallen into place, I am not alone, when I call him fucktard and her slunt, and I swear like a navvie. I have become email pals with another member on here and we talk about what we would like to do to all parties, slowly! We are not alone wishing the karma bus would hurry the fuck up and move these mother fuckers down! We all deal with the cheaters differently, but its great to get advice, ideas and tones of laughs from the other chumps. We are world wide, we are mighty and the cheaters can go fuck themselves!!!
I came to the site on the recommendation of a stranger I was chatting with on a womens’ site, one for sharing general issues about middle age. So glad … Chumplady has helped me practice vigilence in my relationships and occasionally pass on some of the wisdom to,other hurt people.
Like everybody else, I did a crapload of research around D-day, and I was lucky to find some great resources. The first place was POSARC, which helped me a lot at the time, and then Baggage Reclaim, which I still visit. It was through Baggage Reclaim that I found CL and CN, and I’ve never looked back. From the very first day I felt understood and supported, and more than that I felt SAFE. It’d been so so long since I’d felt safe. People here are on different legs of their journeys, so I could relate to the people who were more or less at the same place as me, while taking strength and hope from the folks who were closer to or already at MEH. I’m so incredibly grateful to everyone here, especially Tracy, and I’ve made some great chump friends IRL as well.
The thing that makes this site truly unique is that it puts cheating into a broader social context. It’s not just about the sex. So I’ve been able to learn about larger patterns and character disorders that have helped me in so many other areas of my life. Things make a lot more sense to me now. I really don’t think I could’ve made the progress I’ve made if I hadn’t found my way here, and it’s great to see how other people are progressing as well. You get to be cheered on when you need it, and in turn you get to cheer others on. How cool is that.
One of my friends sent me the link. She was dealing with a cheating boyfriend, who shes since dumped, yay her!
On my D Day I posted a Facebook status that said Once a cheater, always a cheater. I refuse to live a lie, and changed my relationship status to separated. She messaged me the link to Chump Lady the next morning. I lurked on the forums for about a week, read my way through the archives and even a mailed Fat Bastard the post about what to do if you’re truly sorry. He a mailed me back saying he didn’t understand why I sent him that.
Really? Maybe it had something to do with you saying youd do anything to earn back my trust after I found your flash drive full of porn, pix of you jerking off and crotch shots of other women? You didn’t UNDERSTAND WHY I SENT YOU THAT???
That was the last straw for me. I sent him the I’m done, get the Fuck out of my life email, cut off all contact, reactivated my blog and started posting about what was going on and jumped on the forum.
This site has been my sanity on days where I start to waver on remaining no contact. The mighty women and men of Chump Nation have helped me through one of the most horrible experiences of my life and I love them and you Chump Lady.
Here, here, Gepster! My story is similar. I’m so glad I found CL and CN – so lucky to have this resource from the earliest days. It’s been a blessing to be able to write anything anytime. To curse. To laugh. To learn. To receive support. To offer support. To look forward to seeing what others are saying and experiencing. To not feel alone in navigating this entirely new terrain.
Annie Lamott says there are two kind of prayer: Help Me, Help Me and Thank You, Thank You.
I think it’s clear that Chump Lady is the Goddess.
I’m thankful I found a reference to Chump Lady before I blew a bunch of dough becoming an Amazon Chump! Thanks to those that commented on book one!
I found this site when I googled “how to tell if remorse is genuine”. Wow, I started reading about true remorse vs the naugahyde kind… and never looked back. My husband was at the end of a 30 day water only fast “for spiritual clarity and cleansing of the soul” and THAT was supposed to “convince” me that he had changed (and get me to drop all my suspicions). He is a Jesus cheater…he lost over thirty pounds during his fasting…and I losing the remaining 210 when he leaves in 13 more days.
The very night that he ended his fasting, I found out (when potential Loan Agents started calling in the morning) that he was on his computer in the wee hours of the morning applying to Country Wide for a $140K home equity line of credit. (I am thinking that he wanted to quietly suck all the money that he could out of our house and run). I had told him when we bought our house that I NEVER wanted to be in debt again at our ages…and he agreed so we bought it. We paid cash for our home after going through a bankruptcy several years ago due to his compulsive borrowing. So right there, I knew that I could not trust him. EVER.
So I am now in $200K debt…that was the price I had to pay to keep my home (buying him out) AND have him leave. I do not mind THAT kind of debt as long as the results were going to be part of the “peace of mind” package. 🙂
Sweets, this is a pattern with the disordered. Borrowing great sums of money, even when they are making it. Pulling equity out. My ex did this with both houses. That should have been a clue, and red flag, that ex had no intention of staying married. Future? What future? I am just glad I had no life insurance.
Their brains are drained of anything constructive, replaced with deceit, porn, lies, violent tempers, manipulation, etc. Then we find their hearts and wallets to be empty too!
What a package deal!!! NOT!
Someone on the SSN (Straight Spouse Network) told me about Chump Lady last spring. I was 10 months out from discovery and separation (same day, kicked his lying ass out when I found out he was a serial bisexual cheater). CL, CN, and my therapist have given me the strength to stay the course that I don’t think I would have had. I love the wisdom and humor, the comradery. I read CL everyday, and will continue to, even if I get to MEH (may be awhile). The only problem I have with CL blog is that I don’t have time to read anything else!! LOL!
Discovered CL from a link on First Wives World. Ex had led a double life for three years leading up to his out of the blue wish to “get a divorce.” Was with that guy for twenty eight years and one day he just fucking blew us up. My marriage was pretty successful until it wasn’t. Last couple of years he was auditioning others. Didn’t know it, little red flags everywhere. He was still fucking me though, while distancing, devaluing, disengaged, and dissipating assets. He was a great actor. In our community. With our friends. Around my family. I was too busy living, making excuses for his long hours “at work”, raising our kids, and fucking clueless when it came to relationships with Cheaters. I googled that too. Signs a husband is cheating. I did not wrap my head around his creative financial shenanigans until Dday, the day he told me he wanted a divorce. Then…everything made sense. All at once. I knew then my marriage was done. Too many lies. I discovered soon after that he’d been courting his racquetball partner (compartmentalizing was a specialty of his, lol!) –Facebook and the www are great recorders of time–and my first thought was he SO deserves his POS whore. One person who possesses the same morals, lack of character, and crap life skills as he did. May they rot in hell. Funny thing on the road to meh, I recognized that my one precious life was wasted on that crapweasel and now I am free to live an authentic life. He can’t hide me any more. I love being single. Chump Lady and Chump Nation are easily two of the best blessings in my life, and I look forward to reading this beautiful blog. For many of the same reasons stated so eloquently above. We are survivors, for sure! 😀
Someone mentioned CL on runawayhusbands ( thank u, thank u, thank u – whoever it was). Loved it at a first blog entry I read. When I finished all the archives, a post called “The Ones Who Just Leave” came and I knew that this is my place. CL and CN saved my sanity and pulled me out of the chaos which was spinning around me. Everything little by little started to make sense, I got my explanation, I got my closure. CL you should get a Noble prize for the awesome work you do.
Nina, I found Chump Lady through a comment on Runaway Husbands too! So thankful to whoever left that comment!
I found CL through another website where someone had linked her https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/ post.
I was long separated by that point, but everything I found on this site resonated with what I had learned on my own, only so much better articulated, and taught me much more about handling my lingering feelings and confusion.
Blessings on Chump Lady. You have been a lifesaver for so many.
This blog did not exist when I decided to divorce the serially cheating x. It would have been so much easier if it had but I figured enough out. My ongoing problems were switzerfriends and not fully healing, even after 4 years. Thanks to CL and CN, I have moved forward in leaps and bounds. As someone else said (FMT?), this blog goes way beyond just dealing with a single toxic relationship. It is so much better than therapy. I also really appreciate being able to help others and commiserate over something everyone here gets. I love the VFW analogy. And of course, the people here are tops.
I think my search was something like “friends still friends with cheater.” I found CL right away but initially found the advice too severe. (It was to drop the switzerfriends.) But I just couldn’t get past being upset with these friends and the second time I ended up here, I spent more time, went deeper and my eyes opened to what an incredible community this is. Thank you thank you to all!
I googled spouse abandonment and it took me to Runawayhusbands.com. Several posters on that site mentioned CL. The moment I saw the cartoon ‘The Muffin Top That Launched A Dozen Affairs’ I was hooked.
I am from Romania. Luckily I am fluent in English so I didn’t waste too much time on Romanian websites which, by the way, are appalling at dealing with infidelity. Infidelity is “something to be shared” because the “victim of it isn’t always the real victim”, and “we need to forgive in order to move on” and “be civil” and other utter nonsense.
In the beginning I landed on pro-reconciliation sites and MLC apologists. But my gut told me this was not quite right. So sometime during summer I found Infidelity Help Group and that was the first ray of sunshine that broke through the clouds, the A-HA moment.
And then Chump Lady was on their blogroll. I kept reading, and reading and couldn’t get enough of it, because it all spoke to me in the right way, it felt harsh and true – which by the way truth often is. So here I am, thankful, grateful and on the path of healing from the terrible trauma that along with my two sons I’ve been put trough by my cheating ex-scumbag.
And by the way, I did do the pick me dance, we did have a two months wreckonciliation, I did go trough my deepest depression, anger – he abandoned us while I was also jobless – lost 18 kilograms in 6 months. But it is better now, I am better, my kids are better. I found a job, a great one, I am taking dancing classes, I am beginning to feel like my old self again. Thank you Chump Lady and Chump Nation for showing me that there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Hugs to everybody.
Like everyone else, I frequented the Reconciliation sites, but found little of value there. I stumbled on Chump Lady when I googled “hysterical bonding”, go figure, and then everything made sense. Thanks, CL and CN!