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Ginger, Faculty at the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies.
Professor Ginger

This one goes out to the sexologists everywhere and the diploma mills who love them. I’m rerunning my piece on Chump Credentials. Join IAACS now!

It’s about time I fluffed up my resumé. I mean, what’s keeping me from a TED talk and international corporate stardom? Goddamn it, I need an Institute!

There, let me shove Ginger, my Australian shepherd off the cushions and declare the east side of my sectional sofa to be the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies.

Perhaps you’d like to sign up for one of my courses?

Shift Your Paradigm and Get Your Shit Out of My Garage. Deconstruct the narratives of “I’ll get to it whenever” versus “What part of the separation agreement do you fail to understand?” Break out sessions on comparative strategies of Freecycle, Hefty bags, and rented 24-cubic-yard dumpsters.

Thong in My Bed and Other Found Objects. Create installations of Found Objects like “condom under carseat,” “unknown phone charger,” as well as “dating profiles discovered in browser history.” Curate for attorney.

Word Salad Dialectics. Explore the epistemology of “I am not defined by my relationships” and “If you met him, you’d really like him,” as well as “It just happened.” Belief? Justified opinion? Certainty? Create a set of situational ethics and rationalizations using tinker toys. Construct a reality. Turn it upside down. Pulverize it with ball peen hammers. Deny its being. “Tinker toys? Those are legos!” Set fire to constructed reality. Rebuild different reality. Repeat.

Rewriting the Marriage — A Historiography of Bullshit. “We were never happy.” Examine primary sources, such as the photo album from the Disney Family Vacation 2004 as well as the Valentine’s Day archives, 1998-2006.

At the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies, we also offer a full array of degrees. Certificate programs in “Achieving Meh” ($5000 for 10 consecutive Tuesdays); a bachelors in Single Parenthood; and masters in Mightiness (cuma sum I Got the House).

Our accredited faculty include Chump Lady — recognized by the New York Times (delivery person) as a “an epic chump”; Bruce, the contractor who installed our vessel sink (“and doesn’t take shit off of anyone” says Alfredo his tile guy); and Ginger, an Australian shepherd, who has killed several squirrels.

Perhaps you would like to be affiliated with the prestigious International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies? Just donate using the button to your right and I won’t send you anything (you are, after all, a chump) but feel free to make shit up! Everyone is doing it!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • May I suggest “The Pick Me Dance Polka” class followed by the graduate class “Two Stepping for Twats”??!! We all know the Academy cannot be complete without a little physical education to round it out!

  • I will offer a class on “Building Bridges With OWs” since I was planning on offering them the empty burial spot next to deadH I no longer need.

    If they all get cremated, they might all fit. I will write the epitaths for their stones if they can’t think of anything…I have “Twu Wuv” saved for Susan of Seattle and “Side Fuck” for Dee of Boston

  • Recreating “it just happened” for the judge with interperitive dance and anatomical dolls.

    You will be prepared to understand how they just slipped and fell into each other’s genitals with the dolls.

    Then you can explain it to your children, friends and family though the dance.

    Afterwards everyone can hug, sing Healing Songs and have a bitch cookie.

    • I know Lucky !! I will need that “It just happened” explanation since I have been alive for 51 years and never ever “consensually but accidentally when I wasn’t paying attention” found myself having sex with a coworker …Im curious how the buckles and underwear magically fall off while they silence calls from home on their cells.

  • For those seeking a Bachelors degree in Chumpology, may I also suggest:

    Rhetoric 101: You will learn to interpret the Stupid Shit Cheaters Say, and Esther Perel missives. (This course is a prerequisite for the advanced class, Universal Bullshit Translation 501).

    Economics (Macro & Micro): Be prepared to answer questions such as “If a cheater spends $250 on hookers each week, how much will be left in their child’s college account when the child graduates high school?”

    Interpretive Dance: abstract renditions of Twu Wuv, as taught by two out-of-shape instructors with poor hygiene.

    • So for the dance class, we can don a unitard and do the dance of the timid forest creature also? Or would that be a phys Ed 101 yoga class with concentrations in bending the truth and jumping from one bed to the other?

    • Love your curriculum Tempest! Can I add:

      Mindfuckery Detox: 2×4 reality lessons on overcoming Cluster B mindfuckery, taught by Master Tempest, 9th Dan Black Belt in getting rid of lunatic Cluster B with dignity and panache.

  • I would sign up for a Creative Writing class on How to Respond to Asshole X’s Emails: Professor CL shares effective techniques for replying to threats, lies, insults and orders from the crazy-making parent of your poor children.

    • I kind of like the buddy system Chumptitude suggested the other day; none of us field emails or texts from our own Xs; we forward them to our “buddy” who then gives us the grey rock response to our X.

      Win win–we don’t have to read the tripe from our own Xs, but get solace from seeing that they are all the same.

  • Theres nothing like starting the day with a hot coffee and a good laugh. Thank you CL! By the way, your faculty is adorable.I bet her classes make more sense than those sexology weirdos.

  • Great idea, Chump Lady! Anything anyone can do the counteract the dangerous teachings of the RIC is a step in the right direction. I realized the other day a lot of the anger I feel is toward the RIC. That shit they peddle almost guarantees someone who has been cheated on will be treated even worse after discovery. I know I was.

    The ex was a creepy cheating little turd, and I was a good wife and mother. But you sure wouldn’t know it by what was going on in my marriage. This jerk was getting treated like a damn king, and treating me like shit. I was running around trying to figure out what was wrong with ME, listening to the wonders of some whore, giving out blow jobs like I was a prostitute on the street while he pranced around like he was a big dog. Instead of a creepy little middle aged overweight whore chaser.

  • Professor Mehphista here, volunteering to deliver a guest seminar in the school of Word Salad Dialectics.

    The title will be “I know you are, but what am I?” : applying the UBT to Cheater Proclamations

    All proceeds to the maintenance of Professor Ginger’s Sofa.

      • Is there a fast track? I had 3 major D Days in 2 years of marriage with a minor in red flags all over the fucking place.

        I suggest a symposium on the benefits of Porn and shared crotch shots as a cure for impotence. (yep. That was one of the excuses I got.)

  • LOL Tracy!! I haven’t posted in a while, but you don’t need to change a thing you’re doing! Loving the satirical take on the entire RIC!!

    Please keep up the real fight against the narcissistic world of cheaters!!

  • Oh, I’m in! Just the picture of Professor Ginger and those beautiful brown eyes tell me that she is “all knowing” about the base instincts of the mating rituals of “natural” cheaters! Can’t wait to read all about her insights of having “natural urges” to run around the neighborhood satisfying her sexual feelings! I just hope she “shared’ these feelings with her people family first so when she is bounding out the door to enlightenment, she has your blessing!!! She has needs too so I’m sure you all will understand if she isn’t back home at sunset to chow down on her bowl of kibble!!!!

      • I mean, if the squirrels would just actually meet Ginger and spend some time with her, they would LOVE her. She is such a kind dog. She’s been through so much. Oh wait…the squirrels are dead. Oopsie.

            • You don’t understand! It’s soooo much more fun for Ginger if she blindsides the little innocent squirrel! It makes her game so much more thrilling and exciting that way!

              • Wish I could do to the ex and his whore what my rescue hunting dog puppies do to moles and squirrels. But I guess that wouldn’t be right. But I would like to fuck both of them over somehow. But I won’t because I’m not vindictive. Best revenge is living well.

                Ex gets cheating whore who rules his life

                Whore gets serial cheating boy man whore

                Kar Marie a cheater and drama free existance the love and respect of my kids ex basically ignores them the love and friendship of my beloved sister in law he expects her to hate me she thinks otherwise not giving me up cause her brother is s flaming asshole, the house, the contents, a truck and my freedom to finally do what I want and do for me not that fuckface.

              • And the ex as swipe is upset because I will no longer do any of his bidding. Learned how to say NO very quickly upon cheating discovery. He gets furious when I ignore his suggestions or orders. Told him go tell Cole slaw what to do, you know the one you live with the one you left me for. Remember firing me as your devoted wife, well that day I fired myself to caring about him or what happens to him day.

                There’s another class.

                How to say NO to the DOUCHEBAG cause the former wife no longer cares 101.

      • Loco also kills squirrels and other assorted rodents. I believe he sees in them the ghost of rat-bastards past.

        • The XBF was a very handsome man with very sexy grey temples. Before I came to know just what a vermin he was, I took to playfully calling him “Pepi LePew”….turns out I wasn’t the first woman to do that and he actually had a Pepi tee shirt.

          My Jack Russell terrier, Gunny, has a compulsion to try to kill any skunk he is ever able to track down.

          Just like the XBF, Gunny refuses to acknowledge that there are some (stinky furry) things you should stay away from.

            • I must clarify my post :-)……

              Pepe LePew was a cartoon character back in the day…… A suave, charming ladies’ man skunk that tended to not take ‘no’ for an answer and chased his prey relentlessly….Frequently they were cats (pussies).

              No, XBF himself didn’t stink; he was fastidious with his grooming and smelled delicious. (It was his dark hair with the silver temples and sexy accent that got him the nickname of Pepe LePew.)

              His CHARACTER stunk big time, though.

  • How about a class where you Untangle the Skein? A giant ball of tangled yarn, where you try to untangle it for hours, then put the whole thing in the clothes dryer to get it good and tangled again. Repeat.

    • That will be a Post-Doctoral class since I spent more time trying to untangle deadHs skein than it takes to become a brain surgeon.

  • Many of us would like to join the prestigious International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies, but our marriages to disordered narcissists has bankrupted us to the point we can’t afford the most nominal of membership fees, let alone pay our legal bills.

    Had I won that big lottery a couple weeks ago, I would have endowed a full time Professor of Chumpology at the Academy.

    • I sure wish there were groups and meetups just for us with laughter and fun cause we here in chump nation truly understand each other. After I move from this house of hell and despair I will do my damnest to start a group for comfort and understanding. That pos shit asswipe moved us so far in the woods to isolate his business he isolated us and then me when he shacked up with whore juice leaving me with no friends, no family, nothing for miles. Nice guy right, not. If not for the telephone and the chump nation I would not be here. I read this post daily and it helps me get through. I wish to pay it forward. We do need a movement!!!! I’m extremely tired of shit happens and forgiveness and rewarding for bad behavior bullshit. I’m tired of listening to what did I do that caused the cheating. One of his friends wives called recently to ask what happened. He cheated that’s what happened stupid bitch! Had unoritected sex with multiole partners, left me for one of them and cheats on her with the others, has sick sick sick bondage sex with them anything elae you wish to know huh asshole? And proceeded to tell me what I needed to do to get him back. She got a very pleasant fuck you bitch and tossed out of my life. I DONT WANT HIM BACK IM DONE. Thank you all here to make me see I did the right thing! Love to you all.

      • Kar Marie–post in the forums to find chumps in your area. There is also a plan for a Yosemite meetup the second half of the summer (I’ll pop it to the top of the Private:General forums by the end of the week).

  • May I suggest a culinary class, red or white wine, what goes best with your “Shit Sandwich.”
    SHTSDN 202 – can give tips on what your best side dish would be with that Sandwich. As well as a reminder on how not to serve kibble to the STBX (Shit Box)
    SHTSDN 303 – How to feed you and your children naturally and nutritiously on a plethora of Shit Sandwiches. Nothing says natural like defecation.

    • Right there with you LaughingSquirrel, can I co-teach with you?

      Or I can take on SHTSDN 301 – “Sauces for your Shit Sandwich” To learn how to prepare ketchup, tartare, or kamikaze sauces to learn how to gobble shit sandwiches down with flair.

      All proceeds would go towards Prof Ginger’s Endowed Sofa :)!

  • Sign me up CL

    May I suggest a course on the dangers of only one groin and the scientific advancements in double penis gene therapy.

  • By the powers vested in me by Noone, I hearby do award you, ChumpLady, a F.D., honorary Doctorate in Fogology, the study of the ethereal fog. And for the many superior publications in the Journal of Universal Bullshit Translator, you are given a shiny medal and a “life.” You are now entitled to all the rights and priveleges thereto appertaining.**

    Can I get an amen?

    **You can’t make this up. this is actutally on my diploma

  • How about an art school part of the Academy? There could be work with skeins of yarn, spackle art, whitewashing and sculptures of sparkly turds!

    • And a photographic portraiture course, so that your best high-quality family photos from your vacations, your cycling and boating trips, and standing up at weddings can appear on your spouse’s dating profiles with the children cropped out.

  • Hey just wait a sec ond

    I actually WAS the NYTimes delivery person for 7 years while being chumped the whole time!

    I DEMAND to be TENURED!!!

    Nuf sed…

      • haha, Tempest, Rate My Professor! Prior students write, “Professor Ginger will give you an A for the class if you bring her a treat!”

        This whole thread is so fun and funny. Thanks, CL!

  • Since we’ve had the title of marriage police already, I suggest that an automatic credit be granted to participating chumps for detective work previously performed. No need to go through the class plus the credit will provide a much needed self esteem boost.

  • Can I hire on as a professor? I’ve gathered enough life experience now to teach an advanced class in Recognizing Passive-Aggression. Topics to include:

    1. It’s Not a Lie If I Believe It
    2. I Haven’t Insulted You, I’ve Just “Told You My Truth”
    3. It’s Not Cheating If There Was No Intercourse
    4. Don’t Impugn My Integrity!

  • If you’re more science-minded, try the courses on Petroleum Engineering. Experience for yourself a whole world of gaslighting techniques. Learn how to ignore the distinct whiff of danger and how to cope with the debris after inexplicable and unprovoked explosions. Learn how the earth’s valuable resources can be diverted and distributed. And last but not least, endure endless lectures on the joys of laying pipe outside the home.

  • How about a hunting class where we could flush out Timid Forest Creatures. We could bait them with many flavors of delicious cake and the weapon of choice would be discarded unicorn horns. Break time will include chumps gathered around a nice campfire while singing, “chestnuts roasting on a open fire”.

  • There should really be a curiculum for Chump Prevention:

    “Marriage Proposals Within the First Three Months” – Teaches this is not your soulmate, but a disordered Cluster B. Further instructions on how to disappear from social media and set up a mailing address in Yemen.

    “Spotting the Induction of the Pick Me Dance early in Relationship” – Will cover all types of Pick Me Dance maneuvers, i.e. weekend golf leagues, quasi-incestuous relationships with sisters, opposite sex best friends, and The Houdini (disappearing for a week without any form of contact).

    “Pouting: How Old ARE You?” – Review of normal adult behavior and reiterating what that doesn’t include, i.e. pouting, the silent treatment, tantrums, holding of one’s breath, and generally anything you haven’t done since the toddler years.

    “C.R.A.B. Walk” – C.R.A.B Walking is a tool that the disordered have made into an art form. Stands for “Comes forward”, “Retreats”, “Absence”, “(I’m) Back!” This course is a deeper look into The Houdini as mentioned above.

    “Intro to Vocabulary of Future Cheaters” – Course covers general vocabulary of future cheaters. All double meanings will be covered. For example: “Mistake” – accepted meaning: an innocuous error in judgement resulting in a simple snafu. “Mistake” – disordered’s meaning – with full knowledge of what it would do to my family, I boned my secretary during lunch breaks and spent family funds getting her Brazillian Waxes and Victoria’s Secret
    Gear.

    “Sexologists: Can I Buy a Degree, Vanna?” – This course will define bogus professionals in the field of psychology and will give the tools needed to call Bullshit on any stupid advice given by said professionals. You will learn to trust your own instincts and listen to your gut instead of relying on the bottom-feeders who are copiously quoted on Reddit, The Huffington Post, and in ladies rooms reapplying their lipstick after blowing their married lovers in bar parking lots.

    Graduation from this field of study will result in living a cheater-free life and being able to spot Cluster Bs from a mile away. This course of study will prepare you for future encounters with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and anyone on the Donald Trump campaign committee. It will lead to choosing wisely when deciding to marry and you will live happily ever after.

    • “Mistake” brilliant !!!!

      15 + years of betrayal (most of it still hidden as of this conversation) was labeled by my lateH as a “bad moment”

      MOMENT ? you order coffee in a fucking “moment” you don’t shag an array of coworkers

    • Three classes.

      No such thing as soulmates.
      No you are not in love with me after two dates.
      No such thing as love at first site.

    • OMG so funny. “Mistake” – disordered’s meaning – with full knowledge of what it would do to my family, I boned my secretary during lunch breaks and spent family funds getting her Brazillian Waxes and Victoria’s Secret Gear” I can relate to that one.

      What strikes me is that we all went through the same BS. I mean its a well documented pattern. I find this comforting and disturbing at the same time.

      Courses in Being Mighty:

      How to Install a key logger and other technologies for truth/evidence gathering.
      Your new best friend – the Pit Bull Attorney
      The Shoe Box – Establishing a secret stash
      “No I Did Not Date Other Men While I was Married” – Tactics used by slimy opposing lawyers
      Deposing the OW – get it in writing vs leverage for more alimony
      Forcing Sale and other guerrilla tactics
      Dealing with “Its your fault this divorce is so expensive” and other threats to get you to back down
      “Trust that they suck” meditation – preparing for your day in court
      Finding Your Voice – Creating a balls to the wall narrative that lets the world know he’s a cheater. Credit will be given once everyone in your kid’s schools knows the truth. Extra credit for the head of the PTA and Head of Admissions

      • Thank you, Virago! Tracy gives us such great material to work with. I wish everyone in CN lived next door!

    • We need a groundswell of nominations (tried this last year). However, you need to fill in information on the form about Tracy’s talks, etc. Perhaps a few of us can compile information that everyone else can use during the nomination process by next week (click the “Notify me of new comments/posts” to get this information when it’s uploaded).

  • I just have to say, BEST post ever! I haven’t laughed so hard in three years! This was good for my soul! CL and CN are the wittiest, sharpest, smartest folks around! I think one of the reasons our cheaters find a downgrade is because they know deep in the recesses of tgeir deformed brains that we are far too good for them! Water tends to seek its own level!

  • This post and all the comments are so brilliant and hilarious! Thanks CL and CN for giving me a much-needed laugh this morning and for touching on topics that seriously are worthy of becoming actual seminars, especially one on prevention.

    Can we add a class called Still Alice: The Chump’s Guide to Early-Onset Cheater Dementia. How to respond when your spouse claims not to remember how $25,000 mysteriously appeared and then just as mysteriously disappeared from your joint bank account; How to distinguish actual Early-Onset Dementia from Early-Onset Cheater Dementia or, If your cheater can keep meticulous track of their phone at all hours of the day and night for weeks, months, and years at a stretch, they can remember where the mystery money came from and how it was spent.

    This class will pair nicely with Marriage Police 101, which most of us have already qualified for via the Marriage Police AP exam. Yes, we just skipped the high school class and scored a 5 on the exam.

  • If you are looking for new hires, I’m available to be the adjunct prof for the “Ashley Madison: How To Benefit from the Hack” class. I’d also be willing to teach “NC: How to Take the Wind Our of Your Narc Ex’s Sails By Ignoring Him/Her.” I will also be offering independent studies on cheater exes who make weird-ass requests like expecting you to furnish the child’s wardrobe for his/her house.

  • And the required textbooks to master the cheater playbook are:

    How to Win Sluts and Influence Twats
    The Secret (‘nuf said)
    The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Losers (SparkNotes: cheating, cheating, cheating, cheating, cheating, cheating and more cheating)
    Your Horny-neous Zones
    The 4-Hour Whore Week ( that’s on slow weeks)
    Awaken the Douchebag Within

    • The Mystic Magic of Infidelity; 101
      Instructor Shameless Shaman Sharon Whoredam
      Course Description : Unravel the true and deep meaning of Shameless Shaman Sharon’s “Create The Change Then Enter”. Students will be instructed in the finer nuance of “gas lighting”, cluster fucking, projection, and all the other special techniques required to destroy another persons spouse before you “Enter”.

      Shameless Shaman Sharon did her field work in Sexology while living among a pack of Hyenas in Africa.Her deep study in the hunt before the kill, the slow circling before “Entering” has given her deep and mystic insights into the subject.

      Clothing Optional.

      • Almost peed reading this!!!! 🙂 “Shameless Shaman Sharon did her field work in Sexology while living among a pack of Hyenas in Africa”
        *Snort* Bwahahahahaha!!!!!

  • Please don’t think this went over the top of my head (but who knows), but please can you do a TED talk? I think that’s an amazing idea! It gets the chump narrative out there – strongly – cutting through all that romanticised / apologetic cheater bullshit like oil through vinegar, AND it’s major PR for your yet-to-be released book! We need our voices out there, CL, and you’re the one to do it!

    What IS stopping you? What’s the requirements to do a TED talk? Please crack on, for the love of Chump Nation!!

    • I was thinking the same thing! I’m not even a chump but my boyfriend was cheated on by his ex and told me about the site. At first it was helpful to see where he was coming from, but now I like reading it because it’s good advice about boundaries anyway. I have an ex-husband who may not have cheated but boy does a lot of the advice apply. ChumpLady needs to counter this ridiculous bullshit that adultery is a form of self-discovery.

  • Finally, a useful degree to navigate this world. Chumptology.

    Unfortunately, my student loan damn near killed me.

  • I think we will need at least two more departments in the IAAAS – Forensics and Law

    Unfortunately I am reticent to suggest we set up labs with Doctoral Candidates and Post Docs, but we will need slave labour. So…. But poor Ginger will have to remain vigilant so that the cheaters don’t start boning their way through all the unsuspecting students. And for god’s sake, please don’t let any undergrads anywhere near the lab. They are just fresh meat in a cheater’s eyes.

    But when we do get the Forensics Lab up and running, it will specialize in a myriad of topics including: Cheaters put a bullet in my marriage; autopsies of zombie marriages AKA wreckonciliation, and of course death certificates cum divorce decrees.

    The law department will offer training in the following areas: Do you live in a “fault” state? Is alienation of affection an option? (North Carolina I’m looking at you.) How do I avoid defamation claims? Am I actually harrassing the OM/OW? Is daddy/mommy going to jail again for delinquent support/alimony? And the ever popular: How not to murder that fucking asshole cheater.

    • How could I forget the degrees offered?

      PhD; JD; EdD; and DPhil; etc. – where the “D” stands for DIVORCE!

  • Does Ginger kill rats? Two-legged ones? Because if she does, she’ll be busy until doomsday. Hilarious article. Thanks for posting 🙂

  • It appears we’ve missed foreign language studies.

    Intro to Cheaterese: Conversational Language for Chumps

    Are you trying to communicate with someone who says they don’t understand you? Are you frustrated by blank stares as you try to speak with your local cheater regarding such issues as shared child care or taxes? Join us and learn some handy phrases in their native language of entitlement!

    Learn to discuss the mockery they made of your marriage in “Farce-ee” ! Finally understand what they’re saying as they explain their misdeed is actually your fault when you learn “Polish” That Turd! You’ll be able to explain that you discovered those no-tell-motel charges when you speak a little I “Czeched” The Credit Card Statements! Have they moved in together? You need to brush up on your Living In “Sindhi”! And, of course, we’ll teach you those all-important Cheaterese phrases such as, “Yes, alimony, asshole!”, “Sole custody!”, “I’m taking the house!”, and “Pound sand!” in their native Entitle-lish.

  • I just have to say that the level of writing talent in Chump Nation from our CL on down is really something to admire. Not only do you all have the power to be succinct when necessary, but creative and downright hilarious too. We still are discussing the most vile, heinous marriage crimes (think DM’s Soul Rape phrasing) and yet, as if CL knows what her nation needs, we get a reprieve today from yesterday’s migraine creating drivel by Sexologist Head Up Her Ass. I seriously think the UBT needs a week or two off to recover.

    Support for me here has been from people sharing heartbreak, screaming expletives, releasing hurt and anger, sharing deep pain and yes, today just enjoying world class writing styles and superior wit.

    Hats off the CL and CN! And I’m with ChumpB- Tracy, please do a TED talk.

  • Chump Lady. ….I remember not too long ago my ex sister in law came creeping on the page….she had the nerve to ask what your credentials were for giving woman advice and educating them in their downtrodden state of being cheated on. All it takes is to be cheated on…..but for the outsiders that don’t like family secrets exposed….those credentials aren’t enough.
    Keep being mighty…. you’re saving lives and time and bank accounts with your knowledge.

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