I just got my husband back after a year long affair he had. And now he doesn’t want to delete the OW from his Facebook and his phone. He doesn’t necessarily want to keep in touch, but he wants to know that she’s doing okay and check on her every now and then.
I find that disrespectful towards me, but he says she was the love of his life, and he still cares about her. She dumped him because he doesn’t want to divorce me, but they are apparently still friends. He returned to his family because he wants to do the “right” thing, and because we have four kids, and because his Christian values are important to him (not because he doesn’t love her).
But I don’t want her in his life! Or should I allow this Facebook friendship (she lives in another state so that’s cool with me) so he doesn’t miss/long for her too much?
Sometimes I wonder if my mail is a joke. But then I read the advice of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex (RIC) and this “let them grieve the affair partner” malarky is a real thing.
There is only one person here who needs un-friending, and that’s your husband.
Why are you in a “marriage” with someone who a) considers another woman the “love of his life,” b) continues to stay in contact with his mistress, and c) thinks his cowardice makes him a Christian? He was fine cheating on you, but then he got dumped for being a cake eater. Now he finds Jesus?
And why is your entire letter about What He Wants? He wants to know how she is. He still cares about her. She was the love of HIS life. His “values.” He wants to do the right thing (after he got dumped — awesome timing)…
What about YOU? What are your values? What do you want?
You want him to go no contact with the OW. I get that. But Wife, you need to deal with the reality you’ve got — he refuses. So what are YOU going to do about that?
That’s the only person you control here — YOU. Either this relationship is acceptable to you or it’s not. You’re either okay with being Plan B to the twatwaffle or you’re not.
Should you “allow” this Facebook friendship?
You’re not his parent. And as I’m sure he likes to point out, you’re not the boss of him. You don’t “allow” him anything. You need to wake up and look at his CHOICES. He wants to be in touch with her and stay married to you.
He wants CAKE.
Are you going to “allow” yourself to be treated that way? Or are you going to enforce your boundaries and see a lawyer?
You can’t “manage” his affair for him. Oh, I’ll loosen up the leash and then he’ll be a good doggy and not abandon us. Your behavior doesn’t MAKE him do ANYTHING. Be grateful for you. Appreciate you. Stay with you. Find Jesus. Reject Jesus. Fuck the OW. Chase the OW. Friend the OW. Friend new OWs.
There is just who he IS. And what you will tolerate.
I suggest you un-husband him.