Hubby and I are in our late 30s, married for 12 years. We struggled with infertility and loss for years before I finally had our daughter in 2012, and my son in 2014. Both of us are working full-time and are relatively financially stable.
We were good, but we are libido incompatible….he always did have a stronger urge than me; and cycling (for conception), and timing intercourse killed whatever leftover sex drive I had.
Because of medical reasons, I shifted to another town in the last few weeks of my pregnancy (with my son) and spent total six months at my mother’s place, including a few months post the birth of my child (September 2014 – March 2015).
I noticed very imperceptible shifts when I came back. But with a small baby, and a rambunctious kid, and home, and full-time work and sleep deprivation, I did not really pay much attention.
I had my first strong suspicion in July, but then nothing actually emerged. Then I noticed that he was regularly clearing chats with a certain person, and that made me even more curious. So I kept up with every opportunity to try and figure out what was going on.
By October I felt he was emotionally involved, and well, the beginning of this year brought the great news that he was sexually involved too.
The whore is from his office, knows me, and has even attended my daughter’s birthday party.
My world has crashed around me like a tower of cards.
He has never been abusive, but what made him do this is beyond me.
It was a thrill. The woman tried smoothly for a few months, dangling nibbles and feelers. It all started as counselling because she had some issues. Then she whet his ego enough, and told him about the man he was, and so under-appreciated.
She ended up coming to my home when I was gone, safe that I would never catch them.
They also took drives, where there was kissing and oral sex.
My husband says “It was just sex.”
My life has gone bust. I want to smother that whore, but there are some issues why I will have to withhold the smothering.
I am tired, frustrated, angry. I was carrying his baby, our baby, and he decided to help himself to some free pussy.
I just want to kill myself and get it over with, somedays.
Dear St. Elsewhere,
Don’t kill yourself. He’s not worth it and your kids need one sane parent. He’s not that person, so don’t you dare go off the rails.
You’re in incredible pain. We get it here, we’ve lived it. But when those dark hours (which feel interminable) come remember that the pain is FINITE. You’re not always going to hurt. You’re going to survive this. Yes, you’re going to have to fight like hell to get through it for awhile, but in the end you’ll get your life back — a NEW life.
Because what’s the alternative, SE? Offing yourself for a couple of fuckwits? You want that idiot to be the last thing you ever loved? When you have two beautiful babies who love and need you? You think offing yourself would put a dent in either of those cheaters’ sociopathic little souls? That they’ll be crushed with remorse and change their ways and paint sad portraits of you and carry around a lock of your hair and light candles in your memory? No, SE, they’ll keep being fuckwits. And you’ll leave two children who deserve so much more in the care of a FUCKWIT.
So, sweetheart — I’m telling you this a fellow chump and mother — I know how it feels to want to drive yourself into a highway median to stop the pain — DON’T DO IT. Suck it up and deal. Your children need you.
I want you to stop thinking that your husband cheated because you were sexually incompatible, or had fertility problems, and health problems. I want you to stop thinking your husband cheated because the OW was so damn thrilling and pitiful in all the right ways. Your husband cheated because he is an ASSHOLE.
It was “just sex”? No, Asshole, it was abandoning your wife when she was the most vulnerable. When she was punishing her body to give you two beautiful children. It was the constant disrespect and devaluing, lying to her. Of not being present. Of checking yourself out to wet your dick, because fleeting orgasms are so much more important than your family.
Oh, did the OW have some “issues”? Did she have the sadz? YOUR WIFE IS RISKING HER HEALTH TO CARRY YOUR CHILDREN. There’s the “issue” you’re supposed to give your allegiance to — not your hard-on for some Borderline wingnut. Oh, you think you’re entitled to both your family and your dick fantasy affairs? Take your entitlement and shove it up your ass with a speculum, then inject yourself with it monthly until it makes you fat and sick and bed-ridden.
St. Elsewhere — your problem is your cheating husband. Your problem is his minimization (“just sex”) and continuing disrespect. How sorry is he? He probably still works with Little Miss I-Have-A-Problem-Only-Your-Dick-Can-Fix.
The good news is you both have jobs. The good news is you have family near and can support yourself. You’re not financially vulnerable to him. See a lawyer (don’t tell him, just do it.) Start making a plan for life without this entitled fuckwit. I know you invested deeply in a dream of family with him. He destroyed that dream, and he doesn’t seem one damn bit sorry about it (“just sex”!) So go dream other dreams. Go show your children what a badass you are. You worked hard to have them, work hard now to stay sane and raise them.
Please talk to your doctor about depression and get your own shrink. There’s no shame in going on anti-depressants right now to help get through this. Focus on your own healing.
I hope some day soon you serve that jerk papers, and when he howls with indignation, you look him square in the eye and nonchalantly say — “It’s just divorce.”