UBT: “I Made a Terrible Mistake”

secondchanceI get some weird mail. But perhaps none so weird as this letter sent to my Universal Bullshit Translator by John — a cheater. Yes, probably inadvertently, John has asked me to decode his own bullshit.

Here’s the letter:

Maybe you should focus a little more at actually responding and helping people a little more. My wife comes here and is encouraged to leave me. Listen! Some guys are and will always be assholes! They say they’ll change and everyone knows they give 2 weeks of effort and then it’s back to their old self. Whether it be alcohol, drugs, abuse or whatever. But there are SOME who actually go out, seek counseling, find out why they are acting why they are acting (because they love their wife and kids), find medication, change their lifestyle and change for the better forever. And we would all agree after a few months you know if you’re dealing with the same person or not.

I have multiple kids with my wife and yes I made a terrible mistake. But I went and did everything in my power. And things were going very well!! Until one day, right before we are supposed to move she says, “You’re not coming with us, I can’t get over it.” Meanwhile telling our counselor and our families how great it’s going, BECAUSE IT IS GOING GREAT! but turns out she turns to this site and is encouraged to “run away!!” Sorry ladies but not all of us are the same. Some of us actually love our wives. Some of us actually want to change and do! This website may have done more damage than was already done. Meanwhile I sit in an empty house, no wife, no kids, and change my career to be home more for the family and for my wife so now I don’t have enough capital to even afford my own place.

I did all I could to right the wrong. I truly love my wife. And I will never stop. Maybe someone will one day open her eyes back to the fact that I am the person she married and I lost my way. Thanks again!

Let’s UBT that:

Maybe you should focus a little more at actually responding and helping people a little more. My wife comes here and is encouraged to leave me.

Dude, the banner says “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.”

UBT: The problem isn’t my cheating, the problem is your advice.

Listen! Some guys are and will always be assholes! They say they’ll change and everyone knows they give 2 weeks of effort and then it’s back to their old self.

I’m different! I’m not one of those Bad Cheaters! Unlike an asshole, I love my wife!

Why put in two weeks of effort when mindfuckery is so much more effective?

Whether it be alcohol, drugs, abuse or whatever. But there are SOME who actually go out, seek counseling, find out why they are acting why they are acting (because they love their wife and kids), find medication, change their lifestyle and change for the better forever. And we would all agree after a few months you know if you’re dealing with the same person or not.

Cheating can be cured in a couple months. Get over it already. I made a lifestyle change! Got new throw pillows and everything!

I have multiple kids with my wife and yes I made a terrible mistake.

Mistake. Singular!

But I went and did everything in my power.

Counseling for, like, entire months! Unlike those two-week losers.

And things were going very well!! Until one day, right before we are supposed to move she says, “You’re not coming with us, I can’t get over it.”

Imagine that. Chump has an opinion. Like I’m supposed to respect that? The mindfuckery things were going SO WELL!!

Meanwhile telling our counselor and our families how great it’s going

OMG, you mean she presented one front to the world, but did another thing entirely?! You don’t say. The injustice.

BECAUSE IT IS GOING GREAT! but turns out she turns to this site and is encouraged to “run away!!”

It must be the interwebz that changed her mind, not my behavior. I wonder if I can stop her from reading… Damn you literacy!

Sorry ladies but not all of us are the same. Some of us actually love our wives.

Ladies, I’m sorry your men didn’t love you. Unlike me. I actually love my wife. I send her flowers, write poems, fuck interns. Go to counseling for like, entire months about it. Examined my lifestyle! #allkindsofawesome

Some of us actually want to change and do!

I’m not an entitled fuckwit anymore! I’m just indignant about consequences and indifferent to my wife’s feelings. #allbetter

This website may have done more damage than was already done.

Those bitter bunny cartoons hurt people. Unlike me. I just fuck interns.

Meanwhile I sit in an empty house, no wife, no kids, and change my career to be home more for the family and for my wife so now I don’t have enough capital to even afford my own place.

And the channel flips to the Sad Sausage setting.

I can’t afford my own place! All my capital is being used to shelter my wife and children! #feelmysorry

I did all I could to right the wrong. I truly love my wife.

In that fuck-other-people-singular-mistake kind of way.

And I will never stop.

… until the next shiny kibble crosses my path.

Maybe someone will one day open her eyes back to the fact that I am the person she married and I lost my way.

I’m WAYWARD! I got befuddled and took a wrong turn. I examined my FOO issues, had a lifestyle change, and read some Healing Library articles. For entire MONTHS! Maybe someone will one day create a website for reconciling wayward people! And she will find it! And her little lady brain will be persuaded!

We can only dream that such places exist. Until then it’s just stupid Chump Lady and her Bitter Lady Brigade monopolizing all the advice and brainwashing people with this I-have-agency bullshit.

Thanks again!

Gotta find a new chump. Thanks for nothing, Chump Lady!

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lovedandlost
lovedandlost
7 years ago

OMG I guess Im still a chump. I followed his “logic” until I read your response. Thank God for you CL!

loridachump
loridachump
7 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

Maybe he can go get some of his other kids to keep him company.

confused.com
confused.com
7 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

I agree. I almost fell for the logic of the letter. Then I reread it and realised he’s not actually stated what he has done wrong, other than to say I are a mistake. What mistake? Years long affair? Sleeping with prostitutes? Chasing young girls on Facebook? He doesn’t mention it he just downplays it and minimises it. Doesn’t accept any accountability

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

He made a mistake and CN is getting in the way. I usually fall for it but I’ve been getting better.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Just like you brit, I used to fall for the “everyone makes mistakes…”

As I read the letter and comments yesterday, the use of mistake in cheaters as a way to evade responsibility really bugged me… Thinking more about it, they might indeed suggest that mistakes were made, but that does not change that cheaters make an enormous mistake when it comes to their chump:

Keep forging on my fellow chumps :)!

chumpnomore
chumpnomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Nice cartoon. Love it love it love it!! When I told my husband to hurry and move out like he kept threatening to do – and then when I changed the locks on him when he finally did leave – he said, “You keep on surprising me!”
Yeah, well, be ready for more surprises because I’m not your doormat chump anymore.
Yes, keep forging fellow chumps!!

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

I love this!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Fantastic visual of the process, Chumptitude!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

+1, Chumptitude

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

I like this, Chumptitude, That’s the only mistake I believe, (ha) Cheaters never accept blame, it’s always someone else’s fault and that someone is the Chump. They might say they made a mistake but they don’t always mention why, at least immediately but rest assured in their mind it was something the Chump, said, did, didn’t do, the way Chump looked at them, whatever, it forced them to fuck their secretary, neighbor, babysitter which made them feel empowered. Yes, that will show the Chump. who cares about the aftermath, they won.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

That’s an awesome cartoon Chumpitude!

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

Me, too.

4 a.m. 4ever
4 a.m. 4ever
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

I don’t know if that ever fully goes away until Meh…for me, it’s more about how I saw him as a good and honest person, and reconciling that against who he really is has been a long trajectory of missteps and manipulations. The desire to not be completely wrong about someones character that you willingly joined your life to, created other life with, and planned a future with is strong – WE are committed and ethical empaths – we are an excellent source for the disordered for that very reason, and it’s why, when we read John’s letter, we read it in our ex’s voice and think “ok, that sounds reasonable and believable – maybe there ARE good people out there….maybe MY husband/wife CAN turn it around! ” That’s why the reoncilliation industry is booming right now. Please, for your sake, your children’s sake, and your family’s sake, TRUST THAT THEY SUCK. Dig into that statement and attach real meaning to it (I personally imagine D. Trump saying those things in John’s letter), the sooner you do, the faster you will stand up for what is best for you and the faster Tuesday will come.

Gail
Gail
7 years ago
Reply to  4 a.m. 4ever

You gift as being an excellent chump decoder and translator is priceless as we can see through your blogs that these cheaters really speak different languages almost alien like! With chump decoder eye glasses we can Women Up – cut the cord – and move on out of Peter Pan’s fairy fable! Thank you so much for the work that you do!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  4 a.m. 4ever

Great post 4am!

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago
Reply to  4 a.m. 4ever

Even if GOD fell from the sky and told you it is sincere and you carry on with your cheater you have to realize the person you loved died and the person you were was murdered. You are now two different people with this “Mistake” between you. It will always be the elephant in the room.

YOU CANNOT UNHAPPEN IT. No amount of unicorns can take away the damage done. EVER.

Kelly
Kelly
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

YOU CANNOT UNHAPPEN IT.

That’s exactly it Jackie, so much of our angst is attempting to make it unhappen somehow.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

I felt like the person I knew died. I went on Facebook and changed my married status to widowed.

Alexandra
Alexandra
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

I felt like it was my husband’s funeral when I found out about his cheating. It felt like he had actually died and in his place was this crazy person that looked just like him. And somehow, it was like, ‘if I just wait this out of negotiate with this crazy person, he’ll somehow bring my husband back to life, since he chose to kill him off in the first place.” Really bad sci-fi. My reality for a half-decade post D-day.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

I knew of one OW before he died (he admitted EA but lied about PA to his last breath) but after I learned there were at least 2 more. Hell, if you are going to cheat, why stop at 3?

I am Catholic and believe in Purgatory, I believe he has been given a birds eye view of watch ing me find proof of his affairs. I think God took away his birds eye view of my bedroom after I quit fretting over him in it and moved my new (faithful) husband in.

The only place I ever “felt” his presence after he died was in the trails he cut into the forest behind our house, the other say I walked the trails and told him that he is an asshole and I hate him.

Every day I live my life to be the very best it can be just because I can. While all of us know that their betrayal is worse than death, please dont tell widows that,,,they wont understand and will just think that you are mean. In reality, we dont know what it feels like to lose a good man, none of is here lost a good person, we all lost assholes. ( I just lost mine both ways, yea me)

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

I call the cheating skank boy, Florida Rick. The man I loved before his cheating is/was Rhode Island Rick. Rhode Island Rick is dead.

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

I yelled at him one time screaming that what if had died and I learned all this after or worse yet met all the OW at his funeral!

I do wish he would have died before he was taken over by aliens (if there was a before) and I could have remembered him the way I loved him. I could have known I would maybe see him again one day when my time came…

We even lost that. Death is natural and would have been so much easier. What happened to us in anything but natural and that is why we suffer because it just goes against everything we are.

fighter
fighter
7 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Yes, that’s EXACTLY how I felt. Who I thought he was, everything, just disappears. All perception is shattered.

Julia
Julia
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

What a great idea!!!

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Julia

As awful as it sounds I wish mine had died. I wouldn’t have suffered as much. Cheater, compulsive liar has no remorse or empathy for all I sacrificed and did for him during our 20year marriage. He’s been relentless in trying to destroy me and literally made me homeless. I’d be pleased if he died, he has no conscious and I don’t believe he has a soul.

Survivor
Survivor
7 years ago
Reply to  Julia

Mine did, but not until some years later. After the torture, the bewilderment, the chronic sadness and disbelief. After the awakening, the physical abuse in response, and the loss of everything I’d built for so many years. I rebuilt my life, and refused to be called back into service by the selfish douchebag I’d already wasted far too much of my life upon when his Plan A didn’t work out. Then I heard he died. And checked in with a former colleague who told me that the Karma Bus was not kind to the selfish prick. Six years in institutions, with an occasional week at home with 24/7 care. He died at age 57, at home, probably by his own hand with painkillers while the caregiver slept, a day after the docs said there was nothing more to do for him. By then, no one much gave a shit about him and he was so violent in his speech and actions that no one but the occasional flying monkey cared anymore

Sometimes bad things do happen to bad people. It’s a reason to hope.

Jacquelyn Black
Jacquelyn Black
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

Except had they died it would be easier

chmpnomore
chmpnomore
7 years ago

Yes, JB – Except had they died it would be a lot easier. Yes

Julesfreebird
Julesfreebird
7 years ago

I did that too. It was a death with no body.

BlindedByTheWife
BlindedByTheWife
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

That’s about as true a statement as I’ve read about reconciling. In order to proceed with reconciling with a cheater you have to accept that you, the betrayed, will NEVER be the same person you were before. And I don’t know about the rest of you, but I quite liked myself before getting my life smashed in. Sorry your wife had a backbone and treated you like

Alexandra
Alexandra
7 years ago

You know what? I was a REALLY NICE wife. Really nice. And my husband did his “mistake” while I was pregnant with our daughter seven years ago. What has happened since? Counseling, and a whole bunch of “blah blah blah” changes. Truth is, I suspect I have a Unicorn. And guess what? I don’t really care. His Unicorness doesnt take it away and it has haunted me. I tried to spackle. I tried to encourage. I tried to go back to nice wife. It’s changed everything. So while I am HERE and I even have our son due any day now…… I still love my husband, but it will never be the nice, naive, trusting kind of love it was EVER. He didn’t “lose his way” and find himself in a vagina. He plotted a specific course or allowed himself to be led there. Sure, he changed. But so did I. I found out I wasn’t special to him at all, and that I am special to me. What can I say. I’m “happy enough” with the marriage. I’m not rushing toward the door. I have my Plan B in my back pocket. Lord help him if he cheats again. He won’t see anything I do coming. But he SHOWED ME very clearly that I can’t expect better from him. Maybe, over time my feelings will change, maaaaaybbbbeeee the sustained, sweet love and passion will return. But if I had realized seven years ago how very long a marriage can run and how very deep the scarring would be, I don’t believe I would have bothered. There’s a very good chance I could have divorced, moved on and remarried someone I could trust by now. I am glad John’s wife realizes she can’t get past it and doesn’t spend the next seven years wondering EVERY DAY if she has made or is making the right decision about staying with John, who can “get lost in the way home.” Good for John for doing some examination of himself, but that journey seems to be very much at the start, not the conclusion. I highly suspect if he is genuine and doesn’t deviate from becoming a better mate AND doesn’t pressure his spouse, he will most likely end up with a healthy relationship. But this blog can’t decide that for him. Nor is this blog FOR HIM. But hey, if he hadn’t done a real nasty deal to his wife, odds are, SHE WOULD NOT HAVE COME HERE. If John would have gone straight home instead of straight for OW, his wife would be by him, with their kids (and all of his money), never knowing what a “Chump Lady” was or what RIC stood for. So whereas John feels the ‘sting of loss’ by outright throwing his family away with both hands (and his dick); his wife gets to feel absolutely robbed of a faithful husband, the dream of her family, and she gets go feel that shit-stain on her self-esteem that we chumps know all too well. John days he’s loves his wife. My husband says the same thing. I really have to know before I die, what the fuck does that mean? What the fuck does “I love you” really mean when it comes from a man that acts like a Vagina Collection Agent? Or a woman that is a Dick Landfill? What the Hell is “Love” from these people? Nice feelings? Usefulness? Willingness to go to counseling to get their spouse to shut up? To me love is sacred. To people that cheat, it just sounds like a buzzword to me.

BlindedByTheWife
BlindedByTheWife
7 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

I feel exactly like you do! I’m still here but not like I used to be. I worked my ass off to make sure we had a home & enough money to still go on vacation, put our kids in a better school & for her to work part time so she could be home when school was out. Oh, & support her fricking purse & shoe habit. This also gave her the free time to bang her married boss. She even told her enabling BFF I was a great father (damn straight I am) & a good husband! I now have zero respect for her & honestly couldn’t care less about her “happiness” with the marriage. I have all these doubts about my decision to stay. one day, I MIGHT get back to what I was before but I doubt that as well. I don’t trust my wife to tell me what the weather is right now. She might be a unicorn but I just don’t believe they exist.

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
7 years ago

BBTW – you and Alexandra are showing us that unicorns aren’t that special really. They may have changed, but it doesn’t erase what they’ve done or how it makes you feel about the marriage and the person you married. They still have the stink of infidelity on them and you both recognize this is not the person you thought you married. So you’re kind of stuck with this person who you wouldn’t have chosen in the first place, had you known them as they are now.

I’ll bet they can’t understand why things aren’t what they used to be. In their minds they’ve atoned so you should be happy, right? Wrong. They can’t undo what they’ve done and things (and you) will never be the same nor feel the same way about them. It’s too bad these entitled idiots don’t think about the PERMANENT damage they cause before they do it.

I wish you both much luck going forward trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

WhereisMia
WhereisMia
7 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

‘Never knowing what a “Chump Lady” was. Spot on Alexandra, it could be a Yeti for all I knew before I entered into the Cheaters twilight zone 🙁 I am so grateful to be able to read here daily and patiently wait for the bleeding scars to dry up, but OMG what I would give to never have had to google my way here 3 years ago ).

Heather
Heather
7 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

Maddening when that happens. Huh? Damn! I still do it too.

renee62
renee62
7 years ago

As usual it’s everybody else’s fault– ChumpLady’s, his wife’s etc. but not his fault that he has to live with the consequences of his actions. The Mindfuckery of it all is amazing!
Thanks ChumLady for putting it into perspective.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  renee62

Here’s Johnny:

crying

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

HA ha ha hHAWWWW…you have a gift, Tempest.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hahaha, love it!

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I seriously LOVE memes!!

Michael
Michael
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LOL!

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  renee62

He may have refrained from disrespecting his wife by note fucking random holes at the moment, but the fact he valued her and his multiple kids so little is not a character trait that goes away via months of therapy.

Guess what? She has probably examined his actions in other interactions. Wow. They don’t match up to his love verbiage of her. He misses his old life, his former wife, the kids who thought he was awesome and his money.

John, the FIRST step in a successful marriage is respecting your partner. “Mistakes” don’t happen, asshole. You PLANNED it and then EXECUTED the plan. See? That’s way different than buying 2%milk vs whole milk you said you would buy. Your wife isn’t sure she wants to remain with a person who gave ZERO FUCKS about her and your children. What makes your penis so important? Believe me, your wife has also had many opportunties to get entitled zest into her life too. The difference between you and her is her character, her integrity and her respect of you, your marriage and your kids. You aren’t special. Consequences suck. Adulting is hard. Grow the fuck up.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

I have another question for John…
After all the fuckbuddies, you suddenly realize you “love” your wife all along? Using your thinking, it takes years, months, days, hours or moments of cheating -physical and emotional (you know…all those times you told willing holes how awful your wife was for – fill in the blank-)- to realize NOW you love your wife. Every random fuck was done for love?

Yeah. I’m real triggery on this shit. The asshole in my life used that crap on me too. Because cheating requires an asshole to be completely devoid of empathy, you won’t get this but your wife and others will: in the spectrum of my asshole’s fuckfest serial cheating, culminating in a decade long affair with a married, diseased twat and due to the fact I wrecked his entitled fun by finding out, the asshole in my life did circle back like you, John. Spent months in therapy, etc.. And proclaimed he has always “loved” me. Chumps know that vows are important, real, conditional adult promises. True love dictates you keep those promises. True love means working through the unfun, unsexy stuff of real adult relationships.

Why now? Why do you suddenly “love ” your wife NOW? Why didn’t you love her and your kids enough to respect them in the first place? The chump knows what true love entails and what cake looks like. You suddenly miss your cake. You can’t unfuck those you have fucked in blatant disrespect of your wife. Your wife realizes that. She has a 100% better chance swinging a dead cat in a singles bar to find a better partner than you. Because every guy in that bar has not lied to her, used her, risked her health, embezzled her time, emotional energy and money to outright deceive her. It will be up to her to vet the creeps from the potentials. You just gave her a master class in douchebaggery.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

BOO-YEAH!!

Nice post!

yo
yo
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Hey John. When you cheated it wasnt as if you spilled coffee on her laptop. Ooops. What you did was so damaging, so painful, so irreparable. If you truly love your wife as you claim then let her go. Let her find a good man who wont lie to her and betray her. She deserves that does she not? You need pay her back all the money you stole from the family pot to spend on your affair. Every penny. If you are truly sorry and not just lying again then you will do this. It sucks that you are alone and out of funds. Why dont you tell your affair partner? I am sure she will be happy to help pay your bills like your wife used to.

BlindedByTheWife
BlindedByTheWife
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Aaaaaand mic drop.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

And more woot woots here, ANC!

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Great point ANC! There are so many really good comments today, I am finding this post downright therapeutic! I’m most of the way to Meh, but I still have some lingering guilt for calling off the second reconciliation, and starting the divorce. I did want to fix the marriage, but eventually accepted the fact that there was nothing left to save. Needed time to get my ducks in a row, and then began the process as soon as I could.

The thing these cheaters uniformly believe is that they are entitled to a second chance, especially if they make some changes and efforts. The sad reality is that life doesn’t give do-overs. The consequences for distracted-driving is sometimes death or permanent disability of themselves or innocent others. They don’t get a do-over. No matter what anyone does! The consequence is unchanged. Even though a lot of times it is totally unfair. The actions leading to a terrible thing have consequences.

But chumps are supposed to graciously grant a suspension of consequences? I’m a terrible person for kicking my ex out when he was presumably not cheating after a dozen years of cheating? Honestly, trying to reconcile felt more like the movie Weekend at Bernie’s, toting a corpse around pretending it (the marriage? the man I married?) was still alive. There was no consequence in that second reconciliation, and I couldn’t live with myself living that lie. My explanation for any who needed to know: He broke the marriage, I ended it.

kar marie
kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

I agree how many chances does it take? Asswipe had four chances. The last time was it and I should have dumped his ass the first time but no im a chump. This last time he started it I finished it. This site is a safe haven for us full of love and stories and wonderful advice and fuck them that think different such as the cheater bastard that got ubt’d today. Abd yes ive appreciated some of the knocks to the back of the head I needed so badly from here. The first time they cheat they need to go. Asswipe never wanted to talk about it makes him uncomfortable just wants to forget what he did no big deal its all good and pretend nothing bad happened and we will continue to be the best of friends. No way mother fucker I asked him so you want me to be past this forgive when you never asked for it or even gave a sincere apology forget it happened and we will be best friends and one big happy family? His answer of course thats what he wants. My coment to him was im gonna forget you happened forgive myself and pretend you are dead and when people ask about my kids dad im gonna tell them he tried to get my adult children a new mom caused the old one was no good not new and sparkly enough so he cheated left me and hes dead to me. His jaw dropped to the floor! I still love you I still wanna look out for you I worry about you! And actually got real tears in his eyes. Oh boo hoo. Said its really gonna fuck him up if I refuse to speak to him it will ruin his relationship with the whore! He hopes one day I will get over myself and be friends with both of them! Never gonna happen. He will be dead to me. I told him I didnt give a fuck about the rest of his life or what happens to him and shoukd there be a function where we both have to be present I will simply ignor him. Fuck him!

AtPeace
AtPeace
7 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

Yes! I feel exactly the same way. EVEN IF — and that’s a huge IF and the fact that it’s an IF is part of the problem — he’s a unicorn, it still doesn’t undo the damage. It doesn’t erase the scars, take away the pain. You can’t change the past. There’s a reason they are called deal breakers.

The first affair (that I know of) my STBX had was with a close friend several years ago. They had moved out of town but still in the area a few years ago so we still had occasional contact. I and the husband didn’t find out about it until last spring. The husband contacts my STBX and tells him “I forgive you but I can’t be friends with you any more. I don’t want to hang out, don’t want to talk” etc. My STBX understood that. When he was begging me to reconsider divorce, with me feeling like he felt entitled to staying married, I asked him why it was reasonable for his former friend to forgive and not be in contact anymore, yet it was unreasonable of me to not want to be married. He had no answer to that.

It is reasonable and expected that I don’t want to be married to someone who abused and hurt me that deeply, regardless of the path his life takes from this point on. Regardless of whether he gets his crap together and fixes himself. Regardless of whether he truly changes and goes on to be Mr. Perfect. This blog helps me so much and I tell myself often “trust that he sucks” but EVEN IF he doesn’t anymore, I am not unreasonable. Divorce is a healthy, reasonable and expected response to your marriage being broken by your spouse.

My pastor reminds me “He broke/ended the marriage. You are merely seeking a legal representation of that fact.”

kellyp
kellyp
7 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

Exactly! Whenever you cheat, you run the risk that your partner (you know, the one you actually committed to) may run. That’s a pretty typical known consequence.

John, you rolled the dice on your life and came up snake eyes.

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Standing ovation and woot woot calls. As my mom used to say—too little too late.
Bye bye sucker-who-sucks-and-will-continue-to-suck

Deedee
Deedee
7 years ago

Great last line Happily Ever After.LOL.
That’s one for my repertoire.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Anc. +1000!

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

“Mistakes” don’t happen, asshole. You PLANNED it and then EXECUTED the plan.’ I should have this made into a plaque and presented to my STBXW on the day our divorce is final.

She says “Mistakes were made” all the time — along with “When we decided to get divorced…” When I call her on the fact that I made the decision based on her refusal to choose between her continual deception and our marriage, she changes to “When the decision was made to get divorced…”

dealwithit
dealwithit
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UXworld, This! But of course, the decision to get divorced was mine, not his or ours….. because I didn’t want to go with the options of “we could leave it like this for a while” (you mean you shacking up with the OW while I just got it alone over here?) or “we could just separate for a year, you could date and I could date” (you mean, where I lower my standards to yours so you can feel okay about your decisions while you play house and decide if Plan A is going to work out?)…….Nah, I prefer my children to actually have respect for me.

BlindedByTheWife
BlindedByTheWife
7 years ago
Reply to  dealwithit

My wife had the audacity to accuse ME of throwing away the last 12 years! She even texted me once during it all and said, I crap you not, “Our relationships has always been based on trust…” I asked if she even realized how ridiculous she sounded. Nope. This was all my fault…

Anne
Anne
7 years ago

They’re just so….I can’t even think of a word to say how fucked up they are. It would be like Ted Bundy addressing the judge, “well your honor, I realize that it may appear as if I stalked women, faked an injury to prey on their sympathies and then brutalized them before murdering them and having sex with the corpses, however, if you consider the fact that if they weren’t women, it wouldn’t have happened. So you see, it was a chromosome mixup that caused this to happen. I have the upmost respect for women. Can’t I just say sorry and go home? I promise I will be on my best behavior. Trust me”

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Oh Anne…Yes, Ted Bundy, the biggest narc ever…dangerous, disordered, evil. …these inhuman creatures are dangerous…extreme.

We are so lucky to be away from them. I almost feel sorry for satan’s women. They have no idea…and they won’t till it is too late.

There otta be a law!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Cheaters are f’ing hilarious!

After I threw mine out, he complained “Daughter and I were really looking forward to a family Christmas,” and then accused me of being anti-family. Bundle of laughs, these assholes.

chumpnomore
chumpnomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I threw mine out one morning after his repeatedly saying, “I’m moving out!”
But nothing was happening! He just kept coming and going as he pleased. After being MIA all weekend, walking in early Monday morning – I blew up. He grabbed some clothes and said OK, Ok I’m going! I asked: “Why haven’t you left yet? You keep saying you’re moving out – it’s been weeks!”

He said all pititful like, “I have no where to go!”

Oh my goodness. He disgusted me so much right there.

And then the story from him was: She threw me out and I was homeless for a weeks!!

Poor baby. Now he’s in a huge rented house in an expensive neighborhood with OW and he’s crying about how he can’t give me any money because he’s so broke. LOL

Oh brother. Homeless my butt. He was staying at hotels every night. He didn’t mind being “homeless” every weekend at the Hyatt with his girlfriend. I guess it’s only homeless when you’re at the Hyatt during the week.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

I am not surprised at all, Blinded.

After I confronted her evidence taken from her phone of (a) her accusing me of domestic violence to one of her secret fuckbuddies, and (b) the both of them plotting to have their THIRD sexcapade in my home, after my daughters left for school, she had for (forgive me) BALLS to say to me, “Well, you have to understand that I don’t trust you now either . . .”

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Blinded by the wife & UXWorld- It’s unbelievable what comes out of these cheaters hole in their faces when they get caught with a dick-in-hand.

When these tricks are under the influence of what they perceive as “true love” with the AP, they will continue to say and do whatever it takes to keep their delusion alive at all costs. They can not decipher reality vs fantasy.

They spew their inept justification no different than if someone has drank a 12 pack with a half a dozen shots. Same trash-talk. Wonder if these tricks get a hangover from over indulging in schoopie like alcohol does to you?

Grace
Grace
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

So funny they are, if it wouldn’t be so damaging. My serial cheating XH, with whom I have 2 children, said to me: “You need to trust me. The distance you keep makes me feel so lonely, it’s not my fault I meet women to feel validated’.

Carrie
Carrie
7 years ago
Reply to  dealwithit

My cheating ex hubs told me I was rushing him into divorce and couldn’t we just keep things the same for the next six months. We were his plan B. All of this while living with the MOW for periods of time and then coming back into our “home” to do his laundry acting like nothing was amiss. I filed for divorce and got my ducks in a row immediately after finding out he was an epic cheater

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Carrie

My serial cheating ex wife told me after the final Dday years back – “why do things have to be so permanent” – referring to me wanting to divorce her. The worse part she got that verbiage from her enabling Mom. Her Mom knew this wasn’t 1st time her daughter cheated.

Her Mom was present on my 1st Dday when the betrayed spouse of whom my ex-wife was cheating with her husband, came over to my home and was throwing punches at my ex-wife for cheating with her husband. My ex-wife’s Mom saw the devastation first-hand and still continued to enable her years after. The worst part is the betrayed spouse that was attacking my ex-wife (justifiably if you ask me) was my own sister. Yes my ex-wife cheated on my sisters husband (my-brother-in-law). My Ex-wife and her whole family is just a bunch of rats and ass-clowns!

Years have passed but I only share this because bad character is learned.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago

SCA: as my therapist said when I was sickened and offended by MIL’s enabling: it is none of your business how she supports her son. Why be offended? Why go to the source of the madness, and expect it not to be mad?

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Virago just awesome!! Looks like exwife with the same pout. Lol

Virago
Virago
7 years ago

SureChumpedAlot:

J dub
J dub
7 years ago

My D day 1 was out of town with her mom too…..I find out 3 years after the fact….talk about shitty in laws, you would think that would be the last setting it would happen what a good mom…..Once a cheater always a cheater is the best approach….

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Hey Ian, (there is no reply button under your name for whatever reason) but yup we have covered this before – ex-wife was getting boinked by my sisters husband, in my home.

That was a while ago and I am way past it. I just brought it up as response to what cheaters say (like John) to get another chance. It doesn’t matter to them how unscrupulous their actions are – whether they are family-fuckers or not. When we give cheaters a 2nd chance all that does is guarantee another Dday.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Wait. SureChumpedAlot, we may have covered this before, but your wife slept with your sister’s husband?

Virago
Virago
7 years ago

SCA, all I can say . . . eeewwwww! So sorry. Profoundly happy that you are out of that rodentfest, with clowns yet!

I’m embarrassed to admit, though, that I really love the line, “WHY do things have to be SO permanent??” waaahh waaahh

Ihavewings
Ihavewings
7 years ago

Ha! I too felt myself getting sucked into the void of “well, maybe this one is different” …. until I read the part about being all awone boo hoo and came to the realization that the sad sausage stage had arrived after paragraphs of mindfuckery. Thank you CL! I’m getting there ??

Anewwoman
Anewwoman
7 years ago

My favorite cheater trick is the use of passive voice: “This website may have done more damage than was already done.” Takes the focus away from them. The damage that WAS DONE, rather than the damage that I DID. Classic!

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Anewwoman

As my ex says: ‘I HAVE BEEN exiled from my family’. As the prosecutor said to Oscar Pistorius – you just can’t take responsibility, can you?

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Anewwoman

I can hear my Cheaters tone of voice being used as I read,, “This website may have done more damage than was already done.” Serious, calm and genuinely concerned. Chumps, are you listening to the sincerity in my words?? CL, it’s all your fault my life is in shambles.
When I confronted Cheater with some of his lies while in my Chump trans, I said you always told me you were a man of integrity, his reply, my integrity is still the same, my integrity hasn’t been tarnished and is completely in tact. Using his condescending tone, calm, serious, I’m an asshole voice.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit–we were obviously married to identical twins separated at birth. The last half of the marriage, mine switched his “rage” channel to a calm condescension that subtly asserted his [perceived] superiority while the words themselves seemed to convey concern. Don’t miss that.

Kelly
Kelly
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

What’s with that? My ex too switched from rage to calm-appearing condescension, still uses it in the minimal contact we still must have. It’s all about the superiority they feel they have over us.

Chris W.
Chris W.
7 years ago

This is the risk(s) you take by cheating. EVEN ONCE and EVEN IF you’re a unicorn with TRUE remorse. Your partner has agency to walk away and say, “the trust is gone”.

300lbsLighter
300lbsLighter
7 years ago
Reply to  Chris W.

Yes indeed.

NCStevie
NCStevie
7 years ago

There’s that ever present entitlement… she said “I can’t get over it” and he thinks he’s entitled to forgiveness and another chance. Some times there are no second chances.

I’d love to know the “real” story behind his “mistake”.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

I genuinely would have forgiven a one night stand if it were followed by honesty, decency, respect and recommitment. Anything bigger than a single ons requires decision, planning, duplicity, ongoing lies and betrayal. Interesting, I am rather sure that my nowdeadhusband would never have forgiven a ons.

300lbsLighter
300lbsLighter
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yeah, ditto on this not forgiving if it had been me.

In fact, in the early days of his affair, before I found out, stbx raged at me for having said nice things about past boyfriends and not about him IN A DIARY I WROTE 30 YEARS AGO AFTER THE FIRST TIME I BROKE UP WITH HIM.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  300lbsLighter

Haha! My cheating ex wife also said something similar…BEFORE I found out about the cheating as she was leaving me she said I never got over my girlfriend before her…25YEARS EARLIER!!! I had no idea where that came from as I hadn’t talked to her in a quarter of a century and 2 children ago!! The narrative they come up with is mind numbing. I was literally left speechless ..

Survivor
Survivor
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

I was told that I should have been a virgin. Understand that the Fucktard was not and was 30 years old when we got together. and had lived with two women before, for years. And had run around while single. “You should have waited for me!” Horseshit. Why didn’t you wait for me? The point to be made here is that NO ONE can meet the exacting standards they set for others (even before they have met), and THEY have no need to meet the same standards.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Yes, I encourage his chump who he says reads this site to give us the true side of the story… we are here to support you, chump!

“Mistake. Singular!” hysterical.

What this cheater and others don’t and will never get – you LIED. You violated your partner’s trust. Nothing you say can ever be believed, ever again. The fake remorse is all for show, and voila! sad sausage mode revealed, he’s really upset because Money.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Id like to knowvthe real story too. If hes sincere hed come clean for anyone.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Yes, this.

Extramarital sex is like a Pandora’s Box…before the act, you had absolute control over the situation, but once the penis goes into the vagina/mouth, you fully and completely lose control over the consequences and ramifications of what happens subsequent to penis/vagina/mouth/whatever.

They can “boo freaking hoo” over not liking their consequences, but the time to consider that is BEFORE it happens.

My new husband is the sweetest person ever, an absolutely wonderful mate, but if I ever cheated, it would hurt/disgust/betray him in such a way that (even if he worked around it and healed somewhat) we would never again be as we are now. This is not a dalliance, game or a mistake to be flirted with, it as serious as a freaking heart attack.

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago

I suspect that after reading this he will still be navel gazing in his little empty apartment.

Chump lady is to blame for the demise of his marriage?!??

Cause you know, he’s a special snow flake!!!!

Go back and read yesterday’s comments. How many people took their spouse’s back only to find that after decades of marriage their cheater had not changed. Just got better at lying and manipulating.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Not only had mine NOT changed, he had gotten even better at lying, manipulating and cheating.

Chump Change
Chump Change
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Yep. Raising hand. Forgave a ons 3 years into marriage. Then a year later when I was going to Italy under contract as model, another ons and him saying he wouldn’t wait for me if I went to Italy for 3 months. Didn’t want me to model. Broke my Chumpy heart and destroyed my confidence. You need uber confidence to succeed as model. I stayed home, quit modeling. Gave up my dream. Fast forward 3 decades… I’m finally divorcing the serial cheating certified Anti-social Psychopathic Narcissist Asshole. Caught him in a serious affair of well over a year while we were 8 months into Wreakonciliation! Just found out yesterday of another local lady who (while we were married and livin together) was “seriously let down” by him. He told her we were separated. WTF? He’s living with Schmoopie now. It took me 4 DDays to finally file. I was so invested in the nearly 40 years we had together, 2 amazing sons, and the lifestyle. Believed his bs and how he had “changed”. Believed in unicorns. I swear there is a trauma bond and great emotional damage from this type of pathological abuse. Chumps – dont waste your life if you’ve got a cheater. Take it from a hopium addict. You don’t want to wake up in your late 50’s to face the ugly truth.
Be mighty.

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

Me too 36 years a one year affair that was supposed to be a one night stand massive financial verbal emotional mental physical and sexual abuse during wreckonciliation for 5 years big discard in october (I couldn’t forgive and was too negative-huh??) He continues to abuse me with his theft of our assets and constant lies and silent treatment.

Sometimes it takes almost a lifetime to learn a lesson and tge fogginess persists

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Another hand raised. 8 more years of him “compartmentalizing” until it was definitely over. And even then, I still hoped for a unicorn.

Tania Rochelle
Tania Rochelle
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Raises hand.

(Married him twice.)

HeartChump
HeartChump
7 years ago

OMG. I am wondering if this letter is from my cheating ex. (!!!!) HAHA. They all sound the same.

AtPeace
AtPeace
7 years ago
Reply to  HeartChump

I had the same thought except we don’t have “multiple” kids. Even the part apart her one day opening her eyes. My STBX recently told me (in the same conversation he complained to me about how things weren’t going so well with Schmoopie !!) that he hoped he could prove to me some day that he was changed and someone I could be proud of and I would give him another chance.

My response: blink. blink.

PF
PF
7 years ago

John blames CL. If not for CL he’d still have his wife and “multiple children”. He made a “mistake”, but doesn’t give details about his “mistake”.

Let me take a guess about john’s “mistake”, odds are he made many mistakes…many, many times, but who keeps count…just lump it all together into one neat “mistake bundle”, it’s cheater quantum mathematics.

John just wants to blame CL and he is the “victim” now. He’s all broke now, the house is empty of his multiple children. He all alone and broke, it wasn’t his cheating but mean bad CL and her CN nation that destroyed his marriage.

Finally realized
Finally realized
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

RE: MISTAKE, SINGULAR

My cheater had “a misdeed”.

A TWO year long misdeed!

And he told me several times that “I loved you the whole time! I loved you the most, whether you believe me or not!”

I say God protect us all from that kind of LOVE.

🙂

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

Yea, who was tending the “multiple children” while he was penis-tethered to some gal? The person who is now pissed off about it. The concept that we (big collective “we”) were singly parenting any number of children while they entertained their weenies is beyond all comprehension.

DoneNow
DoneNow
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Ah, but unicornomore, we had it so easy! We were being taken care of financially by the man who had so much stress and pressure from being so very important and we just couldn’t understand why he couldn’t be part of the family when he came home after a long day of doing important things and improving his clout score and making connections that better our lifestyle and fulfilling his potential and having to travel to exotic and interesting locations to party while working and forgetting to call home and we have no idea how hard it was to be away so he had to do something not to feel lonely and everyone else is doing it and really you are dragging him down with being tired all the time and smelling like small children and not keeping up your end of things and and your demands of mowing the yard or being pleasant and respectful which are all beneath me and you just don’t understand his life and DAMN it is hard to be him. So what if you had to raise a few kids alone? That’s not real work. Where’s your gratitude for that paycheck?

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

You are right, I did care for the children and mow the lawn while he travelled for work (and screwed OWs) and I was lectured about him wanting to be “admired” and respected. He called home but lied about where he was calling from. His paycheck wasn’t quite enough to cover the bills so in addition to tending my home and family, I also had a gig caring for dying children on the side. (I’m a nurse) But mind you, HIS life was so stressful that he had to cheat.

When he decided to give me the “laundry list” of reasons he cheated, my job was on the list, he said it was “disgusting”. So stick with me here…he dies and goes to the next place where he may have met a few of the children who I cared for on their way out. Me wonders if they were annoyed that he told me that the gentleness and compassion they received from me was “disgusting”.

Giving a nod to my dear Pope who made this a jubilee year of Mercy, I will say right here in front of y’all and John the Cheater, I do have compassion that people do such shortsighted, selfish things then later have to face consequences they never ever ever imagined in the moment. That has absolutely got to suck and I really wouldnt want to trade places with them. When my thenhusband called my work “disgusting” he meant to justify his sin, not insult dying children, but there is the sticking point in choosing evil…it takes on a life of its own.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Trust me unicornnomore, where ever those children are-they have never met your dead ex. He didn’t go to the same place, that’s for sure.

DoneNow
DoneNow
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Well, I was describing my own life, but I’m sorry it paralleled yours in some ways. I didn’t care for dying children, but I was a teacher before my children were born, which my ex didn’t respect much either. I remember another post where you talked about your ex, and its all horrible, I’m sorry! The evil is not just in the cheating, its in the thousands of little choices to put yourself above others without any humility. I like your Pope too!

Cheryl
Cheryl
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

“multiple children”???
Because he’s so devoted to them and their well-being. If only he could remember how many. Or what their names are.

Chumpion
Chumpion
7 years ago
Reply to  Cheryl

Dad of the year. “The one or more offspring that I seeded!”

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

I think he used ‘multiple’ rather than the actual number as a way to make himself less ‘detectable’.
As if his unfortunate chump won’t recognize his self serving drivel. (“I fooled her at least once, maybe I can get away with it again!!!”)

Foolish fuckwit.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
7 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Here’s another take on ‘multiple’–maybe he was referring to how VIRILE he is……capable of siring multiple ‘issue’, like a stud bull.

Delusional (and MEGA ANNOYING) any way you look at it.

PF
PF
7 years ago
Reply to  Cheryl

It’s pathetic how John describes his “multiple” children.

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

Yeah multiple children made my skin crawl. I started laughing though from the get go with all HIS FREAKING WHINING. Again “sad sausage cheater,is there any other kind?” Sigh.

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
7 years ago
Reply to  Kay

Yes! From the first sentence on all I could focus on was his whiny “poor MEEEE” tone. Glad his wife decided to leave. Now he sits all alone in his so very sad alone space with no capital, no wife, no kids, no extra vaginas on the side – all because he was trying to be a good guy!!!. Poor John. He’s not even very swift.. did he really think CL would fall for his act?!?
Next wife, John, don’t fuck other women and lie to your wife.. and maybe she won’t leave you!

AtPeace
AtPeace
7 years ago
Reply to  Kay

I was just wondering why that bothered me so much! Is it the vagueness like he doesn’t remember how many? Or that he’s seeking sympathy because there are SO MANY? In contrast to “one mistake”? Is it really TWO kids and he wants to act like there are SEVENTEEN? And heaven forbid he pay child support for “multiple” children…

UnchumpingMyself
UnchumpingMyself
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

Yeah, mistakes were made. Like John’s wife marrying John. That was one huge mistake. Eh, we live and learn.

Alexandra
Alexandra
7 years ago

That was my thought too.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

lol!

mom3085
mom3085
7 years ago

Thanks for my morning laugh Thank you for my morning laugh

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

Yowch.

1) All about “me”
2) It’s not FAIR, WaaaaaAAAAAAH!
3) All about “me”
4) I showed more willingness than the average
person, so I should get what I want completely and immediately without any long-term difficult process.
5) All about “me”
6) Seriously harming my family because I didn’t have enough maturity to manage myself like an adult sexually should only be a small bump in the road for my primary relationship. After all, that happened in the “not you” compartment and, therefore, didn’t have anything to do with you, even though it put you at risk and broke the most sacred agreements I made about my participation in this relationship.
7) All about “me”
8) She put on a brave face for everybody (which I’m sure she wasn’t doing out of fear that she would lose me again if she wasn’t positive enough, since I told her that was why I cheated…) and now she’s leaving me and there’s no reason for it except this website of people who are clearly mind controlled by an evil overlord, since their experiences and perspectives don’t matter.
9) All about “me”
10) All about “me”

Write another letter, John, and this time, list out all the things you think YOU did wrong, things that YOU can see are be unforgivable trust violations. Tell us about how hard you know it must be for her to have tried again at all, and how you realize she needs to figure out who she is without you, now that your choices forced her to realize that if you would lie about something that sacred, she can’t be sure of anything anymore.

Try to write a letter that doesn’t even hint at blaming anyone but yourself for what you lost because of shitty decision making. Read this site from the point of view of how much infidelity has destroyed all of these peoples’ day to day lives and trust relationships with the world. Look at the gravity of what you chose, and feel the burn of it. Deeply.

In short, tell us about how you have realized that you pulled the cornerstone out from the bottom of the castle, you know you can’t just push it back in there and expect.it to last forever, and figure out, on your own, whether she helps or not, how YOU are going to rebuild the castle, by yourself, because YOU broke it.

Maybe you can never fix the damage you did in this relationship. That’s on you. It is also on you to accept that you made a REALLY shitty decision, one that might cost you EVERYthing, that this reality is out of your control, and that you still have an opportunity to fix this problem. You can still make the rest of your life, and your kids’ lives, and all of the lives of people you contact for the rest of your life, better by being a more mature and responsible person. You didn’t do the work you have done so far for nothing. Unless, of course, you think the work is stupid because it didn’t miraculously fix your toys after you broke them. You are not two. You are an adult.

Grow up, be accountable, fix yourself for your own reasons, and quit blaming the rest of us because you don’t control everything and you can’t have what you want immediately all the time.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

🙂

300lbsLighter
300lbsLighter
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Mmmhmmmm.*vigorous head nodding*

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Preach it sistah !

pineconeelf
pineconeelf
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Standing ovation for that Amiisfree.

My x-hole is a Sad Sausage now who’s “lost everything” like this creep. Yep, sticking your dribbly dick in at least six other people over a period of many years, including when your wife is pregnant and when she’s at home with three children including a new-born, does, funnily enough, quite often lead to “sitting in a house alone with no wife and kids.”

Can’t imagine your alternative remorseful letter will show up here any time soon though 🙁

Gail
Gail
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

Mine has the home he bought out from me on the market! He’s dropped the price at least 6 times in the last 9 months! This is a home we needed 5 appraisals on because he kept low balling me and raising my lawyer fees? My now X is on the Verizon picket line with his Schmoop poop fighting for FAMILY VALUEs! They bitch about CEO pay and they’re greed but they were no better when they both came after me and my kids retirement assets! My son told me he’s now calling her a stalker and his family is telling him all she wants is his money! I told my 26 year old son that’s what happens when you act like a dick! What goes around comes around ….he had been cheating on me for 36 years! Thanks chump lady I’m out of his drama!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Gail

Nice “age-appropriate” explaining for your son! “Your father’s a dick, son.”

Cheater’s entitlement seems to veer to delusion in the divorce process. Their economic ideology is finally revealed as completely at odds with their actions.

Huh, you mean most of the world (especially the post D-Day Chump) just sees a relationship as a business transaction? You’re not valued as highly as you thought you were? It’s going to cost real-world “capital” to extricate yourself from the obligation you committed to? It’s so unfair!

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I have been trying to keep my comments about Fucktard to myself when my adult sons are around. They took me out to dinner and then drinking on my 50th birthday Tuesday. As we were sitting around the bar, my 22 year old son says he needs my advice. One of his employees is coming on to him and he doesn’t know what to do. My stbx had an affair with his employee, I couldn’t help myself and as I batted my eyelashes I asked him why didn’t he just ask his father. He looked at me for a long minute and then we all burst out laughing. He said, “seriously mom, I need adult advice not junior high advice.” I told him what to do.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

pine, yep….Fuck this self-centered douchebag! That is all!

Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
7 years ago

But you guys he changed his career to be home more with the family! He’s one of those self-sacrificing cheaters! See how he’s DIFFERENT?

Yeah me neither.

ihavewings
ihavewings
7 years ago

Changed his career? More than likely he lost/quit his job and took another so his new job payed less in order to reduce his post divorce contribution to his wife and multiple children. He spun it so it appears he was making time for them because, as we all know, outward appearances are everything to the fucktard. Character is character.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
7 years ago
Reply to  ihavewings

I wondered if the career change was due to the fact that the AP shared his office? Did he leave the job to spend more time with his family or to spend less time with temptation?!?

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  ihavewings

Yep. Like my ex, who quit a six-figure successful career within two months of our separation because he decided to “pursue his dream of becoming an actor.” Six years later, he STILL has yet to go back to a real, full-time, long-term job. Some of these losers are willing to go all out to avoid paying support. My guess is ihavewings is absolutely correct — the “John” here quit his job to lower support to those “multiple children.”

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

Mine tried that too and we don’t even live together anymore. For maybe 9mths. Today my youngest kids haven’t seen their “father” in 2wks. Adulting is soooooo hard. It’s too difficult to take part in their daily routines, creating time to BE with them, all four of them, means taking time away from HIMSELF. The 9months he spent around the home were not as thrilling as meeting an AP at O’Hare and flying to Cleveland to fuck, all for the “love” of his wife and family.

Nola
Nola
7 years ago

Dear John….Get over it already dude! The fact that you lost your way doesn’t entitle you to a get out of jail free card. Perhaps you are in fact different and love your wife and realise that you messed up big time and you are willing to do what it takes but you cannot control your wife and how she feels about your messing up. I believe that yes, people can in fact change, but it takes a lot of time……. You don’t get to control the consequences of your actions!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
7 years ago

Hey John – great letter.

Really looking forward to the letter where you describe how it was actually all the Affair Partner’s fault, because she threw herself at you, and then one day you tripped over and fell into her vagina.

It was all just a mistake.

Yep.

And you are finding out just how big a mistake.

pineconeelf
pineconeelf
7 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

It’s amazing how many people manage to trip and fall into vaginas these days. Maybe these women walk around with a banana skin in their pocket and when they see a married man they want, they quickly drop the banana skin on the pavement in front of them and drop their knickers. Or maybe they just have really massive vaginas? Not too sure really. Either way, apparently all my x-hole’s OWs were to blame as they “offered it on a plate”. Plate of vagina anyone?

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

EWWWW! The images that come to mind over penis buffets and vagina plates! Yuck!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

Hilarious Pineconeelf – “It’s amazing how many people manage to trip and fall into vaginas these days.” Very true but as the cheaters are masters of deception they know they have to tie a 2×4 to their ass so they don’t get lost in there.

pineconeelf
pineconeelf
7 years ago

Now that’s an image that needs to be made into a meme – a giant vagina with a cheater flying towards it with a 2×4 across their ass! One for Ian I think…

I always imagine that for cheating men having sex with these one-woman leisure centres must be like chucking a sausage into the Channel Tunnel. Very roomy, used to experiencing high volumes of traffic, and inundated with illegal immigrants.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

OMG you are on a roll, pineconeelf and Ian! “Like chucking a sausage into the Channel Tunnel.” My stomach hurts.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

ROTFLMAO

Trigger warning!!!

I imagined the massive channel vagina meme, but I can’t spend the rest of my day googling vaginas. Much as I might like to. ?

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

I started to make a “plate of vagina” meme, but I thought better of it.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

OMG – you are totally cracking me up.
It’s a huge Belly Laugh! Thank you.
A meme of a Vagina Plate…..rolling down the deck~~~
Sure needed that, Ian!

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

I think I’m in love with a gorilla! lmao!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Chumps say the sweetest things.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Maybe a penis-buffet? No, no, no. Nobody wants to see that.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Oh, dear God. Don’t google “penis-buffet.”

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

OMG! …so…of course I did!

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ooopps, Ian. I had to. My computer made me do it. Or maybe it was my chair.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Chump Lady made you do it.

pineconeelf
pineconeelf
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I’ll try my best not to… Did it come up (scuse the pun) with some imaginative penis-based recipes?

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

OMG, Ian! My coworkers all look like prarie dogs because I’m laughing so hard here! I’m sure they think I’ve gone around the crazy bend one last time.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

ROTFL, pineconeelf! Really massive vaginas, OMG I can’t stop laughing.

nic
nic
7 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Or in my case, an employee who was such a “good listener”. Turns out she wasn’t much of a talker because his dick was in her mouth. I called her catfish – all mouth & no brain.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  nic

Reminds me of that Outkast song.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

Mine said, “she was all over me like a train wreck.” Ah the imagery

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Muse, if a man were to fall all over me like a train wreck, we would call it molestation or rape and call the police. But, then again, that’s just me! Those fucktards!

pineconeelf
pineconeelf
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Train wreck sex? Gosh, that sounds like a proper giggle. Did he tell you if it involved dismembering their own body parts with shards of glass and twisted metal? No wait, that’s what my D-day(s) felt like. What a total wanker.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

+1 pineconeelf!

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Here’s an epic situation: “I was meeting her for a job interview and then we went to lunch to discuss the ‘position’ further.”

He was DUMB enough to have the waiter take pics of them—him all cuddle-cheeked up against her fish face. His patented NARC smile almost blinding the camera……(His thought: what she (me) doesn’t know won’t hurt her).

How many of us have escorted their ‘potential boss’ to lunch and taken smash faced selfies with them?

He drove over 400 miles for this ‘meeting’ and had told me he was going on an interview with a company for a position that was in our location.

Truth: he pursued the carp mouthed cow on Match.

FTM: his ‘potential boss’ was dressed for the “interview’ in a very low cut blouse with about 6 inches of overfilled cleavage exposed. I discovered an email to her– ‘I miss your mouth’.

Can’t make this shit up, can we?

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

ha ha, priceless, priceless! Mine said after he finished remodeling her house without having EVER met her in person, she handed him the check to pay him and said, “I wish we could work on another house remodeling project, because I SIMPLY ADORE YOU!” to which I replied in a monotone, “and then ya fucked her?”

thence the train wreck remark. LMAO about it now. but I was traumatized.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Yes, Muse, the trauma we wearing from this kind of deceit….

Oh Lordy, regarding the story I recounted above—that is just ONE incident with multiple women he co-mingled with on that ‘job interview trip’. Actually, it was the least traumatic of all of the meetings that I learned about.

He was to be gone for 2.5 days but stayed gone incommunicado (in my ‘chick magnet’ car) for 10 days. I did all I could to file a stolen vehicle report but law enforcement told me that I had given him use of the car, it was my problem.

There’s in book in me about all the incomprehensible crap this guy pulled but then again, I have extreme PTSD working against me (my memory is shot) and it’s also so painful to recall it. Recalling makes me have to acknowledge it –again. Painful to do cos I am trying to move on……I still struggle with the ’embarrassment’ I feel about being treated so contemptibly.

I am happy to say that he is reaping what he has sown

LIningUpDucks
LIningUpDucks
7 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

“And you are finding out just how big a mistake.”

Love this!

arlo
arlo
7 years ago

Declares change and remorse, does not provide evidence. Insists he’s different/special. Not expressing insight into his wife’s thoughts or actions. Very concerned about image and financial repercussions. Accuses CL of causing his problems. Kids are an afterthought, not real live individual people affected by his actions. Expects wife (and CN) to agree to his demands. Comes across as impatient, cranky, and bitter.

Not a unicorn.

300lbsLighter
300lbsLighter
7 years ago
Reply to  arlo

Hands up any woman who, knowing nothing about this man other than that whiny letter, would even go on a date with him, never mind commit her life to being with him?

Not too many, I’d guess. But if you were also the woman he’d cheated on, and whose family he destroyed, how tempting an offer would he be? Yeah, no wonder that even with counselling she couldn’t make herself stomach it.

Self-pitying, entitled git.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
7 years ago
Reply to  300lbsLighter

@300poundslighter—“git”….I haven’t seen/heard that word in a hella time! I have used it around people and they have no familiarity with it. They’ve asked me to define it and it’s just one of those ‘you know it when you see it’ kind of words….lol

Confused123
Confused123
7 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

@Hesatthecurb Wanker, git, plonker, tosser are all very English words. I stopped using them once I got to the States as no one understood them. 🙂

pineconeelf
pineconeelf
7 years ago
Reply to  Confused123

You can use those brilliant words here! There’s enough of us from the little island here to appreciate them. Wanker is my particular favourite, having been married to one who seemed incapable of stopping himself wanking constantly.

Pondscumbgone
Pondscumbgone
7 years ago

Anyone notice the tone of the letter is about the injustice done to him?? One time mistake? I think not. Just the one time he got caught.. My guess is the wife was just buying time, getting her ducks armed and lined up before she made a move. Bravo to her!! And if she truly is on this sight?? Can’t wait to meet her!!!!!

Chumpita
Chumpita
7 years ago
Reply to  Pondscumbgone

Exactly! John´s wife is my new heroe! She must have been keeping up the image of reconciliation so she could plan her move because from what she read on CL she must have connected the dots from the past and realized that she was not getting a unicorn but another future Dday in the making! Good for her. I hope she posts and clarifies what made her realize that her cheater was a fake unicorn…

LIningUpDucks
LIningUpDucks
7 years ago
Reply to  Pondscumbgone

Exactly, Pondscumbegone. It’s all about poor him…along in his place, no money. Wah, wah, wah. Well, that’s consequences.

Also, he feels totally *entitled* to his wife’s reconciliation.

Carol
Carol
7 years ago

Good grief. I need to go vomit after reading that letter. What a loser. Spewed coffee at “read articles at The Healing Library.” LOL

Anon
Anon
7 years ago

Mommy read the part agai where she surprises him and moves out and takes all her belongings and leaves him alone with nothing but his sticky dick cause that’s the best part!

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Anon

OMG you guys are on FIRE today! Anon, LOL and LOL again!

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago

Why put in two weeks of effort when mindfuckery is so much more effective?

Constantly CL you remind me that my choices are solid ones.

Mine put in no effort, refused to disclose detail and left the terms of salvaging our marriage to the church elders. I will never know what he was telling them but I am convinced that it is similar to that of your letter writer. All contrite and changed and desperate to be seen as making the effort, when no real effort or change has ever been evident. I ended our marriage and was labeled by many including those who had the most sway in my church as “running away”. If it wasn’t for CL I would have struggled far worse to come to terms with what had happened, but I realised I was not alone and my cheater although extreme and devastating to me at the time of D’day is really just a run of the mill, garden variety, narcissistic fucwit.

So thank you CL you should be commended for the service you provide in helping Chumps develope boundaries, find their feet, line up their ducks, and kick their cake eating, kibble munching, bitch cookie demanding cheaters to the curb on the way Meh!

seriously?
seriously?
7 years ago

Most illuminating comment for me? ” multiple children”. Not even individuals, just things. ugh. Creepy
He has lost his wife appliance and its proving expensive. boo hoo

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago
Reply to  seriously?

Dude is not sure how many children he has

ANR
ANR
7 years ago
Reply to  seriously?

Yes, I can’t tell if he’s just really pompous or can’t actually remember how many children he has.

Theory
Theory
7 years ago

I could read these translations for #EntireMonths and still not tire of them.

chumpnomore
chumpnomore
7 years ago

“I can’t afford my own place!” LOL My narc took $4,000.00 of our savings to put down on love nest for he and his gf. (He cheated lied and abandoned his family because he was ‘unhappy’) Then goes on buying spree for big cool bed (according to my daughter), TV, game console and all the necessities of life. He rented a big house in an expensive neighborhood. I asked for an amount each month. He said no and offered less. So I said let the court decide. Court decides $900 more in temporary support than I asked for. My narc is enraged! He can’t afford that! (He and gf each make 6 figures). He whines: I’m going make him go live under a bridge! I am evil! I am greedy! I am so angry and bitter! He is going to come take my car from me! I am trying to financially destroy him!

Can’t I be ‘unhappy’, too? If he can be ‘unhappy’ and destroy people, why can’t I? 😉

Yes! Pondscumbegone it’s all about the injustice to them. The poor victims they are. Ugh.

Charm. Victim, Rage. Repeat.

Pondscumbgone
Pondscumbgone
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

“Charm. Victim. Rage. Repeat.” the story of my (and everyone else’s experience ) ex and his skanks reaction to everyone’s (family, friends, etc.) disgust concerning their “relationship”. Yeah, cuz you know, living with someone who tolerated, supported, encouraged and loved them was so excruciating, they just had to dive into another and we should all support and respect that!!!! Give them a chance, dammit!!! Right…. Thank you for the four words Chumpnomore, they are my mantra from now on, to remind me that he is capable of nothing else, just those four words….

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

“Can’t I be ‘unhappy’, too? If he can be ‘unhappy’ and destroy people, why can’t I? ;-)” <—– That is excellent, chumpnomore! My thoughts exactly. Mine whined after I started piling up things in the basement that I wanted to make sure he took with him, including things he'd made for me, "do you have ANY idea what it's like to have everything I ever did for you shoved back in my face?!" Um, yes. "YOU are shoving your agenda down my throat, Muse!" he said after I kicked him to the curb when he refused to take resposibility for his actions or make any effort to save our relationship. Um yes.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

The fucking skankboy doesnt get it either. He had the nerve to ask to come back into the house…My house btw, and date me! I’m sure while he was “dating cumsucker.” Ummmmmm, didn’t even dignify it with words…..just looked at him, smirked and shook my head no.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

nomore, mine said he was going to live in the guest room and come and go by the side door while “dating” OWhore, and that “if it doesn’t work out with her I can totally see us getting back together!” Um, guess again asshole.

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
7 years ago

Yeah. I hear you, man. You slip up and fuck one little piece of ass while married and your little woman has the nerve to get all butthurt about it? I mean really. You said you were sorry. What more does she expect?

It kills me when they talk out of both sides of their neck. The 40 Year Old Toddler was sobbing inconsolably and babbling about how he made the biggest mistake of his life, and in the next breath wouldn’t say he was sorry because “you wouldn’t believe me anyway.” and never even considered ending the affair throughout its six year entirety, which would have been a way to try and repair the biggest mistake of his life if I’m not mistaken. He had no pretense of ending the relationship or trying, so at least I knew where I stood. It’s got to be harder when these fuckers try to lure you back with false sincerity and promises because they know it’s what we’d want to hear.

But even then, this gem from the UBT was all me, me, me, I, I, I and lots of My in case we don’t get the point. It wasn’t about his hurting his wife, but her being unreasonable for listening to her doubts. Fuck that noise.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago

Because in reality they are really only sorry that they got caught.

Strad
Strad
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Amen Muse!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Strad

Muse, so very true! Dday, I told him to get out. Said I will get my stuff out this week…I said nope, you will get out now! Walked into the den, saw him crying……didn’t even fucking care! Two weeks later, wanted to come back…to “date me”…..I shut that shit down! He didn’t care about me. When I showed him the STD results…..tried to blame it on me being a nurse. Said you probably got it from a patient. I said I don’t fuck my patients like you do your whores! “Get the fuck out” was my response! Felt very empowered that day!

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

you are mighty!! GTFO indeed!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

CL, you’re killing me with the hashtags. #allkindsofawesome

And now what we all want to know is–who’s the brave chump who lined up her ducks and then moved without John? Come forward so we can applaud you.

arlo
arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

And Theory up there put in #EntireMonths. I’m dying

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  arlo

Me too!! Hope my boss doesn’t walk by while I’m LMAO.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

#feelmysorry made me audible!

Ohana
Ohana
7 years ago

What I find most appalling is that he believes there is not one thought in his wife’s head that wasn’t put there by someone else.

300lbsLighter
300lbsLighter
7 years ago
Reply to  Ohana

Oh, yeah. I had this.

His theory is that I drew boundaries because my online friends told me to, and then I was too embarrassed to back down from what I’d said. (For the record, after three months of asking him to end his affair, I said that if he went on holiday with her, that was the end for me, and I would no longer consider reconciliation after that point. He went).

I could never get him to see how profoundly offensive it was to assume that I couldn’t make decisions for myself, and stand by them because I believed they were right.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  300lbsLighter

Yeah, mine complained about Bitter Chump Lady when I refused to reconcile with him, and told me I should “get off that site.” #you’renotthebossofme

creativerational
creativerational
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I think that kind of ultimatum might be fun… And karmatic?

Dillhole: If you don’t stop talking to chump lady, for support and emotional healing, I will leave you….

Chump: PROMISE?!

The irony of them being offended by support and an outlet for feelings and brainstorming of what could have been had we found chumplady first. It’s like we are all having affairs with each other. Minus the lying, scheming, crotch shots and monetary exchanges.

scotty
scotty
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

These types usually have no shortage of enablers and flying monkeys. So naturally, so do their victims. Methinks thou doth PROJECT too much!

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Ohana

Yeah, because he’s so accustomed to being the one who tells her what the think. Now he feels threatened LOL.

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Control much? Now he’s trying to control us. Jeez. I bet when it rains, he screams at the sky.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Kay

yeah I know that guy… he was always saying for years that the “Universe was laughing at him.” Guess so… NOW.

Alexandra
Alexandra
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Yeah. I’ve always found abusive people never give credit to their targets for having their own thoughts and formulating their own opinions. I’m sure if we asked John’s wife which was the bigger factor in deciding to end their marriage (him cheating or chumplady); I’m sure it’s a no-brainer what she would have to say about it.

Angela Viera
Angela Viera
7 years ago
Reply to  Kay

Ha! Love that one

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

“Maybe you should focus a little more at actually responding and helping people a little more”

He does sound remorseful. He went through all the stress of convincing his wife he changed. Hey, drugs, alcohol, and abuse, and ‘whatever’ (exposing your spouse to STD, disrespect, blame shifting, minimizing, power and control, CHEATING), it was a mistake!

John, the response to cheating is not going through the motions. You made the decision to cheat. Cheating requires repeated planning, lying, and deception and continues until caught. Infidelity is not a mistake.

What you hate John, are consequences. Your wife and children deserved better. She will go on and have a better life, as she had the strength to leave. That empty room, is a result of disrespect, selfishness, lying and cheating. Its easy to blame John but its all on you.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

No, no, no.

It was a mistake.

He slipped and fell into her vay jay jay.

As it was flying towards him.

On a dark night.

And it was raining.

And he thought it was his wife’s.

And she literally threw herself at him.

And he didn’t even enjoy it.

There was an earthquake …

https://youtu.be/JFvujknrBuE

Haha
Haha
7 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Hahaha that’s funny!!! LoL..

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Doingme, mine said it “just happened.” Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Like my shoestring just happened to come undone! Fuck them!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

Dear John, (love that I get to use that cliche!)
CL does help people.
She helped me a lot!
I moved on from being with a loser narc just like you, with CL’s HELP!
Let’s raise our glasses to the help we’ve all gotten from CL and CN.

UnchumpingMyself
UnchumpingMyself
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Hear, hear! +1 glass raised here.

arlo
arlo
7 years ago

#clink

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Clinck!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago

Clearly, the counseling is doing wonders for helping him recognize the damage he has done and take responsibility like an adult…wait, nope. It hasn’t. Still, looking outside himself for why his life is a mess…could it be because he cheated and that destroys relationships?!

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago

The one fatal mistake these cheaters make is not so much the actual cheating ( which is NOT a mistake at all as it took incredible planning to execute), but these assholes forget that WE, the chumped, also have a choice! What shocks these idiots is when we actually take our future into our own hands and begin to gain a new life! After all, isn’t that what they also did? And I don’t remember my cheater consulting me while he was fixing to cheat on me! By golly, he and OW even had a countdown calendar and were so excited about their impending betrayal it was unbelievable! Well, I then created my own countdown calendar which included, when fuckwit needed to move out, when was the divorce going to be final and get all of your crap out of the house I now own that you will pay for! Yes, he found it quite unfair and yes he is broke and very sick! Begging to come back and remarry! Really?? Cause now he has decided it was all just a terrible mistake and he really, really always loved me!!! Flattered? NOT! Three total years to decide I am his real “Twu wuv”! No thanks! I suggested he get back on Facebook and find a new lover! God knows their are plenty of “easy” marks!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Roberta – WOWEE! Your entire post is amazing, from the beginning about taking back our lives to telling your cheater to go on Facebook and find a new lover, as they are easy marks!!! LOLOL! I enjoyed every word of your post and gosh you are mighty. And you’re right, they don’t consult us when they decide to have a new life, why shouldn’t we take control of our own lives. And I can’t believe him and the OW were countingdown the days and were going to celebrate. Unbelievable. He didn’t know who he was messing with. You’re an inspiration to me!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

“I suggested he get back on Facebook and find a new lover!”

BOOM, awesome come back Roberta, you are a super mighty chump!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Roberta

“What shocks these idiots is when we actually take our future into our own hands and begin to gain a new life.”

You hit the nail on the head Roberta! The Limited expected to live with me while he waited six weeks for my daughter to complete her bathroom. He asked her if he could move in because we were having problems a few weeks earlier. The ‘problem’ was he found his new whore and lied to all of us. The next day he informed me he wouldn’t be coming home. He expected to live with me and sleep with the whore on a Saturday night. I threw his shit on the porch while he was sleeping, took his keys and said we are done.
He moved in with the whore immediately and never slept at my daughters house despite putting every in her basement and using her address.

He never filed and when he was served he was furious. After dragging out the divorce and making demands he told me he thinks about me all the time after the settlement agreement was signed. What?

What I know now was that he didn’t want me to have a future without him. Loss of cake is so traumatic, isn’t it? The Limited is still living his dream Roberts, heavily into debt, loss of business, and sitting at the casino bar nightly with the druggie BP whore getting sloshed. The family he once had with all the joy and love is no longer shared. Knowing him and his expectation of ‘mistakes’ being forgiven is over. Now I laugh at his parting words, “I can never get anywhere with you.” He scorched the green grass and has to live with the worst ‘mistake’ of his life. Me, I’m still working on myself and after two years of struggling I have gained a life.

Roberta you are so Mighty!

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Doing me, Thanks, but it can be tough and mighty comes after the lightbulb moment when you realize that you don’t have to wait for these idiots to “decide” who they are and who they truly love and for their so-called “confusion” to lift! Meanwhile, confused or not, they seem very focused in a hotel room screwing a nasty whore! But oh when that moment of truth hits you and you realize that the decisions in your life DO NOT depend on some fuckwit, it’s liberating. It turns the tables on them and they howl like the dogs they are! Mine was flabbergasted that I filed for divorce. He had been taunting me about hiring himself a lawyer. I didn’t take the bait nor give him any indication I was going to file. I must admit it made me feel powerful! I got rightiously pissed and ended up with a very sweet settlement! Screw these assholes! Kick them to the curb!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

For me Roberta it was years of fighting for him. The difference the last time was I no longer fought for him. God was that fucking exhausting. Now, coward that he is, he uses the SLUNT for triangulation through taunting and stalking me. Passed that torch two years ago. Now I call the police and believe she got the message. As with all cheaters they go underground. Loving my cheater free life.

NotTodaySatan
NotTodaySatan
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Yup, my ex was shocked that I chose to file for divorce. Truly shocked. Somehow the thought that I could make my own decisions and enforce consequences to his actions apparently never crossed his mind.

This Chump medicated for your protection
This Chump medicated for your protection
7 years ago

The UBT writes a pretty good Dear John letter !

Multiple children ?
That sounds creepy.

I’ll bet he has two children.
Multiple exaggerates his level of perceived loss.

Poor Bastard!

kimmy
kimmy
7 years ago

The way I read this……John becomes a bit pissed as the letter gets closer to the end. He becomes kind of righteous! By saying things like….

Maybe someone will one day open her eyes back to the fact that I am the person she married and I lost my way.

He refers to his ‘beloved’ wife as SOMEONE. ???

Meanwhile I sit in an empty house, no wife, no kids, and change my career to be home more for the family and for my wife so now I don’t have enough capital to even afford my own place.

Look at me…..making all of these changes and just when I thought I had her in my back pocket again…..you people go and screw that up for me!!!!! Cause you know……SOMEONE can’t make decisions for herself!!!!

He’s not just your everyday run-of-the-mill-asshole……he is A.COLOSSAL.ASSHOLE!

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  kimmy

John got outplayed and I think its magnificent. If cheater lies during the marriage there is no reason Chump shouldn’t lie until the little ducks are aligned. “Yes, I forgive you. Now get a different job and let’s sell the house and move.” He never saw it coming because he thought he was eating cake while she was preparing to serve him a slice of divorce humble pie. Slice, hell, she served him the whole damn pie.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  kimmy

My take on that was he meant, like Ohana said above, that his wife is incapable of having any independent thoughts of her own, so she would need a third party to open her eyes FOR her. You see, the little woman shouldn’t be upset about his cheating because he SAID so… he totally doesn’t see her as an equal and functioning human being. She’s an empty glass waiting to be filled by “someone” else, only unfortunately in his eyes, CL and CN got there first.

Buddy
Buddy
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

And the corollary take on all this is the Scooby Doo take: “If not for you meddling, trespassing kids, I mean, chump ladies, I would have gotten away with it!”

He’s not sorry he cheated.
He’s not sorry he got caught.
He’s sorry that she’s imposing consequences and taking away his Cake to which he is entitled.

By saying “not all of us [cheaters] are the same” he’s really saying “hmm, apparently, not all chumps are the same – some actually will divorce their cheating, abusive, lying, betraying, crappy spouses. Damn. And I just bought a new tub of Betty Crocker frosting to spread on my Cake. What am I going to do with all this frosting?”

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Ah yes. The infamous Scooby Doo corollary.

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Can I just say that I Love the scooby doo reference??!! Happy Friday y’all!

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

+1

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
7 years ago

My ex could’ve written this. Except I really didn’t start reading CL until after my divorce was final. But I did join online support groups, MOSTLY pro-Wreckconcilliation. He tried to schmooze the MC into telling me to leave them, because ya know? – it hurt his wittle feelings to be discussed with strangers. (But sticking your dick is strangers was fine, eh Buddy?).
MC rightly told him he should thank those groups for the fact that he still had a wife, house, etc. Lol.
I did a LOT to try to make it work but deep inside I too, could not get over it. Anyone who comes to CL or anywhere else has their own free will & uses it.
Odds are this dude’s wife, like me, saw past going thru the motions, to his real core.

Hey Fucktards ; jumping thru all the hoops in the world doesn’t guarantee a thing. Kinda like your marriage vows, huh?

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

” it hurt his wittle feelings to be discussed with strangers. (But sticking your dick is strangers was fine, eh Buddy?).” LOL !!
My ex wouldn’t let me hire a cleaning person because he said he “didn’t want strangers in his house.” But he brought OW here!! and likely fucked her here!! Oh the hypocrisy is stunning.

IUsedToUseMyHands
IUsedToUseMyHands
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Same here Muse – we couldn’t have a cleaner for that reason but bringing shmoopie into my bed while I was at work well that was no problem!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Hey, John? Yeah, your wife was faking reconciliation. Just like all the other times she faked it. John, you’re a dead-fuck too.

HM
HM
7 years ago

Oh, poor sausage! It’s not his fault that he “sits in an empty house, no wife, no kids…” it’s Chump Lady/Nation’s fault!! How convenient!!

Peaceful chump1111
Peaceful chump1111
7 years ago

Right on chump lady. UBT is right on!

Karma Express
Karma Express
7 years ago

My favourite part is where he says he can “change for the better forever.” Yeah, until the next va-gee-gee comes along. “Forever” is what John pledged when he got married. The only thing that’s forever in John’s life is an STD.

Michael
Michael
7 years ago

Hahahaha! I need to be medicated to be decent! CL drove my wife away, not my cheating. Now I have nothing and it’s all your fault. I can love my wife and totally betray her at the same time. Your lady advice doesn’t sit well with me. ME me me me me.

How old are you dude? Like 14? When you’re an adult John, you can do things that are irreversible . Aw, it makes you feel bad? Suck it up! You got lost? Maybe you blacked out? You don’t like consequences? Listen! Reap what you sowed little buddy.

I’m sure his wife would say he’s really good at lashing out.

And it’s not all ladies here. There are men out here that don’t like you either.

TheClip
TheClip
7 years ago

I am still trying to figure out…multiple children??? Isn’t saying ‘ children’ implying u have more than one? Or does he have multiples? Like triplets? Quads? Or from different marriages?
I am sure he is pissed that his wife got some balls and left his sorry ass. Of course he needs someone to blame.He thinks to him self …. His wife couldn’t possibly put that shit together herself!!! Nah…she weren’t educated… Until she started reading Chump Lady and watching The View… They’d put idears in her head! She was happy making my pork chops and apple sauce til she got dem fancy idears.

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago

I say it time and time again. You can NOT unhappen it. And like we all agree it goes way beyond infidelity. If you loved your wife, you would not have hurt her in the most horrific way there is to hurt another.

A MISTAKE. By accident my ex cheater’s one affair was one year. 365 times he made that mistake. But each day of the 365 days there were countless times he made a mistake inside that mistake. He mistakenly lied to me, he mistakenly fucked and snuck money from our household. He by accident brought her into my bed. Mistake is 1, 2, 3, 4, 25, 35 …. 100, 125, 130, 150…. 200…………ah.. 365!!!!!!!!!! Boy that was a big fucking fall into her pussy!!!!!! But he loved me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you wife found this site, it was her reaching out for support for a decision she has already made in her heart. When you do something this horrific the rose colored glasses come off and we see the shit stain you are.

If you LOVE your wife, OMG, I would hate to see if you didn’t.

Now, if you love her, you support her decision and leave her be. You make sure she is financially given what is due to her. ( you know in your heart what that is). All you can do is divide assets fairly and be supportive of her in that she is experiencing pain brought on by YOUR MISTAKE and has chosen to leave you. You love her, you let her heal and do right by her. Loving her is just that it is not getting her back to love you.

Did you change? I am a good chump, will I change into a Narc Fuckass Cheater? NO. Yeah, you changed… You simply modified your behavior to be awarded love for you.

You wanna change go ahead, but NOTHING you do or say will CHANGE what you did to your wife. You have one life in this world and you murdered a beautiful soul with it. I hope you do change for your own sake. So now really love your wife and leave her be. You made your bed, no you fucking sleep in it!

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

I wanted to share this with you…. maybe you can then see it from “her” point of view instead of your own.

From: http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159339/10_reasons_not_to_take

10 Reasons Not to Take Back a Cheating Husband

1. The relationship will never be the same. While it’s true that some people say a relationship actually improves after cheating, we should face that usually it does not. That sense of freedom, of trust, of respect is gone for awhile and may never come back.

2. You don’t have to worry about it happening again. Cheaters don’t always cheat again, but there’s a decent chance he might. Why? Whatever made him cheat is probably still in his psyche unless he is seriously working on all of his issues. Because he had a choice to cheat. You didn’t make him do it (no matter what he says). Some studies even say there’s a cheating gene. I don’t believe once a cheat, always a cheat, but I definitely believe once a cheat, good chance of being a cheat.

3. You teach your children that cheating is not acceptable. If your children see you leave a cheater, they learn that this is something that destroys relationships and is unacceptable. Which doesn’t guarantee they won’t ever do it or put up with it, but they will realize it has severe consequences.

4. You’ll save on therapy bills. Because, believe me, you are going to need them now that you’ve decided to stay with someone who strayed.

5. You’ll feel safer. Not knowing if your man is going to cheat means never quite knowing when you might pick up a venereal disease.

6. You get to keep your self-respect. If you want to stay with a cheater, you should get to do that and not be judged. But, let’s face it, your self-respect is going to take a huge hit for awhile. Especially if the affair is ongoing, or the cheating is chronic, how do you respect yourself staying with a man who can’t or won’t value you?

7. Things can only get better. When you stay in a relationship with a cheater who makes little or no effort to change, things can only get worse. When you leave, things can only get better.

8. You’re not taking the “easy” way out. It’s as difficult, if not more difficult, to leave a relationship, even a bad one, than it is to stay in one. You’re not the one giving up on the relationship, he gave up when he cheated.

9. You need a partner, not a child. It’s not up to you to “save” him, “teach him” right from wrong, or “help” him get over his cheating habit. He’s an adult and should have done that for himself.

10. You deserve better. Believe it or not, there are men and women who do not cheat and will not cheat, and you deserve one of them.

11. You don’t need any reason at all

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

Having a memory lapse as to who posted that link the other day, but it was written, I believe, by one of our very own members of CN.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Actually I posted a link to a column I wrote in divorced moms. It was like this but not the same. 9 reasons staying with a cheater is worse than being alone. This column is good too. A lot of similar points are made.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

clap clap clap… well done Jackie

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Indeed.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago

Downright eerie, especially with the same name, this could have been my ex writing this. Except for the small detail about the move, this is absolutely my ex’s cover story.

I was the horrible person who agreed to give him a second chance, and after he took a job four hours away, and I helped him settle into the apartment, I broke the news that I was going to divorce him and stayed put in the house. This seems awful and cold hearted of me, and it makes for a great sad-sausage story.

However, that D-day, finding out about his affair, followed the first D-day, three months earlier, where I learned he was spending every penny he could at strip clubs. We were living desperately paycheck to paycheck. He borrowed from family. So with promises of counseling, and my hysterical bonding pick-me-dancing, three months passed until I learned of an ongoing affair. He convinced me to forgive everything in the past and only consider his actions going forward. I was terrified of surviving on my own, with no support system and total dependence on him. I dug into his past and uncovered a dozen years of infidelity with numerous women. He liked to refer to his actions as “a slip-up” but this was a calculated lifestyle that carried on for over a decade. It took a while to rebuild myself and my support network to leave, but eventually I did. I hated to break my promise to him, but I couldn’t live with myself living with him.

So the sad-sack tells how awful I was to give up on him when he was trying so hard! He was entitled to a second chance! Ugh!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

You made a promise based on incomplete information. If he wanted you to forgive and forget the past, his first obligation was to come clean about everything he had done. That’s the only path to rebuilding trust: no more secret life. He did have his second chance and he blew it.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Incomplete information is right! I only got minimal confirmation of what I found out. Only dribs and drabs of minimalized truth sprinkled about. He did not come clean with his past unless I confronted him. He even protected the identities of several OW by allowing me to believe certain evidence belonged to other OW. A couple times I asked about something pretending I didn’t already have proof, and it was bone-chilling how he looked me in the eyes and lied with total sincerity. It was creepy, and I had to do that twice because I couldn’t believe it the first time. Even had to recheck the evidence to see if it was real. Of course that taught me to not bother asking any more questions. He’s an expert liar. When I quit asking questions, he must have thought I was coming around, and began his plan to relocate us to a different city.
I took my investigations underground like a spy. I sneaked and found evidence, and had to find creative ways to hide it. I had to be really careful about computers…got tripped up a few times and had to soothe his suspicions. I hated living like that. I had to not only watch what I said, I had to keep my facial muscles from betraying me. He watched me like a hawk, and interrogated me if he didn’t like the expression on my face.

Reconciliation was basically him foisting himself on me and me not struggling away. He spent that time glommed on me, insisting we hold hands, holding, hugging, and so on. Now that I think back on it, it was a living hell.

There was no MC. At the beginning he promised as soon as there was time and money. Later, I learned enough about him that I didn’t want to bother fixing it anymore, and when I let it drop, it wasn’t mentioned again until the separation.

I helped him move in an apartment and then dropped the news on him. He was shocked that I would do that because he was so controlling, he couldn’t believe I would have an independent thought or the gumption to do it. I waited so long because I needed time to get my ducks in a row. I was isolated, impoverished, and gaslighted to believe something was wrong with my eyes, ears, and brain, so not very employable. I didn’t realize at the time but it was truly an abusive relationship, and he nearly destroyed me. It was a leap of faith that got me out.

CAGal
CAGal
7 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

Boy I hear you on the whole keeping things on the DL until you are ready. I of course kept my computer locked down, but I was collecting documents as well. Sometimes I would need one of those documents for a meeting so I would have to hide them in the car overnight. I removed the extra set of keys, but I had to also hide my own keys (in the tissue box on my nightstand was my favorite place). I had to be so careful not to break from my routine. If I normally went to the gym, but instead I was meeting with the lawyer or whatever, I would change into gym clothes and wear those to the meeting. If I went off to take care of something, I would say “I’m going to happy hour” and I would intentionally stop at some bar, buy a glass of wine, and make sure I swiped the credit card so there was a paper trail. At the same time, I wanted to make sure not to tell lies I had to keep track of, so I found myself trying to talk, but not say very much. This went on for about 6 to 8 weeks and it was exhausting. I said “I don’t know how people who live a double life do it for years on end. I was exhausted just trying to keep track of my 1 to 2 meetings per week and some extra paperwork for 8 weeks.”

AtPeace
AtPeace
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Yes! An obligation to come clean about everything he had done. This was the point where I knew I was done. I had evidence of two affairs, suspected more (never mind the relapse of the most recent one after he told me it was over), and he begged forgiveness and swore he would change. Talked to our pastor, did all the “right” things. Then one night checking his phone I discovered his obsession/habit/addiction/whatever with porn. Something he’d managed to hide it our entire marriage. He should have confessed that. I might not have divorced him for that (although I can easily consider obsessive deceitful use of pornography to be infidelity and a deal-breaker), but the fact that he had not come clean about that when he swore there were no other women showed me he was still being deceitful and controlling the situation. Of course a few other details he neglected to mention about the affairs have trickled out since then and I fully expect to learn of more as time goes by…

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago
Reply to  AtPeace

” I fully expect to learn of more as time goes by…”

You may not learn more but you will realize more. You will have Ah ha moments that take you into another orbit. You will be going along as normal and BOOM this vision hits you, this memory that you now see was deceit right in front of your face.

My ex cheaters Mother was very classy. She was smooth socially and very well mannered and kind. She was single a looooong time. When she was in her late 50’s she met a great guy (ha ha I think he is anyways). He adopted my ex as his own son and was really great with him. Anytime he was in the area he would call him and they would go grab a bite to eat.

One early evening, ex cheater’s mom calls me and asks if Ex was out with her BF. I said yeah they went out to eat a bit ago. She seemed really mad. It is now about 9:30 and she calls again and asks he my Ex got home yet (this was before we all had cell phones) I said nope they are still out. Something was not right. I just chalked it up to maybe they were fighting.

A few days later I come home from work and my Ex tells me his mom just ripped into him and asked him to stay away from her BF. I thought that was so weird, out of character. I thought to myself maybe she just doesn’t want them becoming close in the event she does not commit to him and left it at that.

A few months ago that entire event popped into my head and I now think I understand the depth of it. I think that at some point ex and her bf went out and there was some questionable or even blatant behavior on my ex’s part conducted right in front of her bf to which he told ex’s mother about. His own mother did not want her bf anywhere near my ex. From that day on they never got along right always this wedge between them. She has since died, but I wonder what the heck it was… no I don’t wonder. I know.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago

John, really, really? Your letter could have been written by satan! I got the same crap from him and his flying monkeys, ‘…only made one mistake! And you punish him so grievously!’

…yeah, ONE mistake spanning 36 years and multiple ho’s!

Ugh! These disordered assholes are all alike!!!

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Jeep,

There’s a “plus one” rule in law enforcement. For example, if you find a knife on a suspect, look for another. There should be a plus one rule for chumps too. Look for another.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Good rule to follow Anne 🙂 Wow! Are you a police woman? Thank you for your service! I was saved one dark night by 2 police officers and I will be eternally grateful! 😀 they rolled up and took satan away before he could hurt me worse. I felt so Blessed by their presence. Thank you Anne and your fellows!

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Yes I am. Prior I was in the Military Police. I’m so glad the police were able to save you from satan. I specialize in domestic violence and trust me that they remember you too. Home was my safe haven from whatever happened during my day. It was when I realized that my safe haven was an illusion that my sense of safety went too. I think that the reason I tried after the first d-day was that after all the assholes I’ve dealt with over the many years I said to myself, “At least he’s not a…” fill in the blank. After 11 months of letting him back in the house, that wasn’t good enough. Fuck him, I deserve better.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Bless you Anne! For ALL your service for your fellow man! I am honored to know you (as it is 🙂 ) ! Thank you!

I am sure your fellows came quickly due to what the dispatcher heard when I called 911…such cruel threats and awful language to spit at your wife of 30 years…

Thing is Anne, if he would have stayed away after he left – he was gone when they got there – they probably wouldn’t have arrested him…he showed back up ON FOOT about 20 minutes later…apparently they were waiting for him. Two cruisers pulled up – one in front of him and one behind him – and arrested him. I have no idea what he had in mind…but he obviously didn’t want me to know he was comin…I would have heard that diesel…he walked back…very quiet. Scary. Thank God those policemen were there. Thank God they decided to wait for him…I guess they knew what he would do?

Yes…I had no safe haven after satan decided beating on me was the best thing ‘for me’. It is only now, one year in my new home, that I no longer start to shake and come unglued after 5 PM (he would be home between 6 – 6:30 PM). Took me this long to shake the anxiety.

No one deserves to be treated like that. …I can’t understand, despite all I have read and learned here about these disordered monsters, why they don’t just go on and leave and stay away. satan still routinely drives around my new home…it used to unnerve me…now it just makes me shake my head. I have alerted the local police and I see them cruise by at least twice a day…sometimes more. They always wave 🙂 And yes, I think they do remember me…even though it is a different department here. I am grateful. I think the experience of being arrested put a brake on his impulsive, out of control behaviors…but…he is an alcoholic…chronic alcoholic…and violent…so… I am grateful for their obvious presence and concern. I am Blessed 🙂

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

C’mon, Jeep. Drop a dime on his ass.

That’s really scary behavior just as it is now. Don’t wait for it to get worse. I’d guess he’s just waiting to see a strange car in your driveway. He’s checking-up on you to make sure you’re alone. Please don’t wait to put an immediate stop to this.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I never thought of that Ian…course, since I’m not dating there is no danger of that happening. And I did apprise the local police department of my situation. I just hate stirrin that turd. Plus, he is a traveling salesman (cliche much?), so I am sure he would have ‘reasons’ for being in my neck of the woods. I just don’t get why he doesn’t just move on and cease the crap.

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Please keep up your vigilance and keep safe. Stalking laws have improved tremendously over the past decade. You can talk to your police department’s victims assistance. Minimally keep a calendar and write down every time you see him drive by. That, plus past behavior may be probable cause (depending on your state law) to support a charge of stalking, which is a persistent pattern of behavior with no legitimate purpose meant to cause fear, intimidation or harm. We are all blessed to have found such a supportive group in CL & CN.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

My IT guy put a motion activated camera in my front window that scans my front yard and driveway. I feel safer with it there. It is obvious, even from the road that it is a camera…a red light comes on when it is activated…so… satan has pulled across the drive but not up into it. His stint in jail – overnight only – seems to have taught him a good lesson…this chump doesn’t play anymore. I will call and he knows it. 🙂 And the camera will prove his presence if need be.

…why don’t they just go away? I just don’t get it.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Yes, thank you, Anne.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Hi Jeep you are so correct. To prove it look at the bottom of this thread. Johns wife chimed in. Her name is “STBX Wife of Idiot that wrote letter.” I feel bad for her but she is one migthy woman!! Johns actions are unbelieveable!!

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago

SureChumpedAlot I just love her screen name!!! 😀

Ugh, it is sooo hard to believe how alike these disordered inhumans are! And that there seems to just be droves of them! They’re everywhere, they’re everywhere!!!

Que the Fire Ants! And Narc eating zombies!!! Yeah!!!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Yeah, the “one mistake” is “cheating with multiple partners, over and over, lying about it, gaslighting your wife in order to pull off the deception, using family resources to maintain affairs…for 36 years…” Yep. One mistake.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LovedaJackass, they are all the same! They do not deserve second chances…and I know they all get more than one from us…for me it was many chances…he never changed. I feel like I grew up and he never did.

LovedaJackass and CL and CN…just got some really sad news bout one of satan’s flying monkey’s wife (read stuck Chump). The last time I saw this woman she was waving (down low so he wouldn’t see) at me out of the passenger side of her cheating asshole’s truck…so sad…I remember thinking she looked so sad…and then I thought, ‘…that is what one looks like when they stay with a cheater!’ …fast forward to yesterday…my youngest told me she is dying…she has cancer all over her…and it started in her female organs and spread. I was sobbing before he finished telling me. Poor woman…what a life. He tortured her even when she wasn’t present. Awful. Her name is Brenda and she is a beautiful, loving human being with a heart of gold. He didn’t deserve her. When she is gone from this earth he will have to face himself and his actions with every breath…until he dies. There will be a reckoning.

…ugh…I don’t know how they walk around…

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Jeep – I truly believe (unless you’re married to a Cluster B) that the stress of such a distressful act of adultery, who affects so many more than anybody knows, WILL cause illness – Cancer is right up there. Especially the ones who are brought up right and know better. (if there’s such a thing) I know my X was so stressed out by carrying on 2 separate lives, that he got old really fast. His joints started going; bad knees – so he was limping like Chester. Bad elbow from professional arm-wrestling, and permanent joint/muscle damage from professional body-building. Etc. He was a miserable SOB and looked it.
Then, the day the divorce was final, he got news he needed his prostate completely removed due to cancer.

Just hope mine never comes back but I warn everybody, get out before the stress kills you.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

I know that is true Shechump. That poor woman endured complete and utter hell at the hands of her cheating, flying monkey mate…he was all over the place with other women! Everyone saw him with them. Brenda knew it was going on but when she would ask him he would belittle her and leave…so she learned to stuff the agony down deep and be quiet. I am certain that and his cheating lead to her cancer. No one can live under that stress…not to mention the STDs he most probably brought home to her. The women he ran around with were…well… God Bless Brenda.

…now that you mention it…satan started complaining, probably ten years ago (yeah) bout aching joints and muscles…and, yes, he aged quite rapidly once I filed for divorce… My boys have told me he has been seeing doctors for various illnesses…I just assumed it was because he no longer eats the healthy meals I used to cook for him. I grew and canned / froze all the vegetables and herbs we consumed each year… satan told me once he couldn’t replace me if he tried…guess his ho’s don’t do the things I used to do for him…huh…who’d a thunk it?!

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
7 years ago

On the really off-chance that “John” will actually read these responses, I’ll try to give him the low-down here.

John, I think that it is admirable that you have gone to counseling and you are working on your issues. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and take it at face value that you truly want to make amends for your affair and reconcile with your wife.

We can hope and wish and pray, but we cannot control other people. Much like your wife could not control whether you pursued a relationship with someone else while you were very much married, you cannot control whether or not your wife “gets over it.” Your wife has agency, much as you did when you betrayed her. If she believes she can’t get over it and decides marriage to you is not the best thing for her, that is her exercising her agency, and it is out of your control. This is as it should be – it is not a healthy relationship when one partner is trying to exert control over the other, anyway. Would we all like to be in relationships wherein we have a high enough status in our partner’s esteem that they will allow themselves to be influenced by our needs, wishes, and desires? Certainly! I am very sure your wife would have liked to have been regarded well enough by you that you would never have pursued someone else. I’m sure she would have liked to have enough influence on you that you would have remained faithful. I’m sure she would have preferred your marriage vows had stayed unbroken. I’m sure she would have preferred that you esteemed her enough to not lie to her. You get the idea…she couldn’t control you when it would have been in her best interests to do so. Neither can you control her decisions about how she is going to handle all that.

Every decision we make (large or small, good or bad) results in something. There is never a guarantee those results will be exactly as we predicted or hoped for. Big decisions = big results. Bad decisions tend to equal bad results. You made very big and very bad decisions over some period of time. Your wife deciding to end your relationship because of that is just the chickens coming home to roost. Action ends in consequence, and consequences are inescapable. Also, FYI, when someone attempts to escape logical consequences for their actions, it is generally seen by well-adjusted people as a red flag that they are operating from a sense of entitlement and superiority instead of a sense of empathy and accountability.

Someone here on this site wrote something ages ago (I wish I could remember who!) which really rung true for me. I’m going to share it with you here:

“My ex-husband still hasn’t come to terms with the fact that he is now an adulterer, and will always be an adulterer because he committed adultery. He doesn’t get a do-over. In the future, if he reforms, he may be a repentant adulterer, but he cannot ever rid himself of the fact that he committed adultery, and I won’t be able to see him as someone who’s honest in his relationships. To me, he’s a cheater. At one time, he wasn’t, but he is now.”

John, you did something HUGE. Your decisions to betray your wife on such an intimate and personal level were MONUMENTAL. Your wife may never be able to see you as anything but a cheater. Her feeling of safety in her relationship with you may not be (PROBABLY won’t be, in fact) recoverable. You decided to throw away your marriage when you decided it wasn’t worth respecting. As much as you may wish it to be different, part of your job as a remorseful person is to accept whatever she needs to do to heal and find security again – even if (especially if) it is without you.

Take your counseling and your internal work and your remorse for your decisions into your new life and abide by them. If you are truly invested in the ideas of maturity and accountability, let your wife go with grace, ensure she and your children get a generous settlement, and then take yourself forward. But please stop trying to lay the blame on anyone or anything other than where it belongs – on you, the guy who started this ball rolling in the first place.

arlo
arlo
7 years ago

This really was a brilliant post LMM, wise and insightful.
But it sort of reminds me of me, lecturing my dogs for the umpteenth time about all the good reasons why they shouldn’t beg for table scraps. They look so remorseful while I’m talking, then they wag and wiggle when they can tell I’m done and they are off the hook. Then they come right back to the table next meal, begging. Because they’re dogs.

MovingOn
MovingOn
7 years ago

Beautifully said. It articulates the situation perfectly.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

Great. Post

Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
7 years ago

Brilliant post.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

Yes, indeed, brilliant.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago

Thank you for this, Little Mighty Me. This is the truth that is lost when the cheater-ex spins his story of woe.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago

Well, John . . . it sounds to me like your wife played you. I don’t think things were going all that well. I think she was plotting her escape and just needed time to line up her ducks. And that’s awesome because you John, are a little bitch.

If you loved your wife and “multiple” kids so much, you wouldn’t have fucked another person. Period. Your wife doesn’t owe you reconciliation. You fuck other people, you get consequences. That’s how it fucking works.

Hear that bell? Every time a chump leaves a cheater, and angel gets their wings! Hooray!

TheClip
TheClip
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

RK… You are just the right kinda angry for me!!! John is a little bitch. A wimpering little bitch.

pineconeelf
pineconeelf
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Love it!!!!! “You John are a little bitch” ha ha ha ha

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

My ex has claimed again and again that he’s changed now. He wanted his whole family back, and when I wouldn’t bite, he wanted his relationship with his kids back.

But there are two problems here;
a) sometimes it’s too late. The ex was a negative, mean, unpleasant person way too much of the time. He cheated once, promised SO SINCERELY not to ever do it again … then, years later, did it again AND again felt entirely justified and entitled to cheat. He scared the shit out of the kids and I on multiple occasions, Not once, in 14 years of this, did he sincerely try to change. The changes that did occur were because I set limits, and he resented that immensely. He never tried to be a better husband or father FOR US.

So now, even if he truly is a better person, makes way more of an effort in his relationships, would never ever cheat or threaten anyone again, it’s too late. And it’s super clear he made these changes ONLY when HE felt consequences that HE didn’t like.

We do hope he really is a better person now, for his own sake, and that of future partners.

BUT
b) he’s still himself, and it keeps showing. Maybe he’ll never cheat again, but it’s still all me, me, me, everything is someone else’s fault (if the kids won’t reconcile with him, it’s because I’ve been alienating them!), he still shows his true character in all sorts of little interactions.

Yup, too little, too late. But it’s still the fault of us Bitter Bunnies!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Mine thinks it is my fault that DD15 won’t talk to him, but refuses to apologize for cheating & betraying her, because that was my fault too. My depth of suckitude is legendary in his eyes. I think I might have caused global warming, too.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest! I am just ROFLAO! I love you so much!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Global warming, NC PhD, Chair of the Evidence-based Chump Emancipation Department, Sheriff of Meh, all at once?? You got my vote Tempest :)!!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Tempest 2018!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

But I thought Sarah Palin said that global warming was a lie!?!?

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, in all fairness it’s labeled anthropogenic for a reason.

Ooh. That’s it. John and Hannibal cheated because global warming.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago

i am so sick of “the mistake”. like was said earlier this was a plan that was executed over and over and would still be going on now if they hadn’t been caught. two things my XH said that really stuck with me.
1. i was trying to fix it so you didn’t find out. seriously! how about being sorry you did it, apparently ending it was never an option, apparently keeping me in the dark was the only option.
2. you took away every dream i ever had. OMG! how self centered can you be. sorry i wrecked your dream of having me support you while you screwed around. guess i’m just a bitch like that. never once mentioned what he had taken away from me and our kids.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

yes, it’s stunning when they actually blurt out the shit in their heads… drop the pretense and show you the kind of worm you are dealing with… my ex said, “I ran the sharing idea by her but she wouldn’t go for it!” when I begged him not to leave me… he also said, when I asked how long were you going to keep doing this “second relationship thing?” – he said: “I was waiting until it was a sure thing with her.” coward. weasel.

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
7 years ago

Wait…. Wait…. So this letter is blaming Chump Lady? It’s literally “It’s not my cheating that’s the problem, but Chump Lady’s reaction to it.”????? Hahahahaaa. Wow, just wow.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  FeralBlue

Yeah, ’cause everyone knows chumps can’t think for themselves! We’re just swayed by CL and CN, but if his wife had happened to fall upon a Reconciliation site, John would be sitting pretty!

So John is SO CHANGED, but still thinks his wife is a moron ….. Yeah, that’s attractive!

JC
JC
7 years ago

Actions have consequences.

Even if this loser is changing (doubtful), that doesn’t entitle him to the marriage he already destroyed.

What’s that line from The Natural? “Some mistakes, we never stop paying for?”

Well, that’s cheating (which isn’t actually a “mistake,” BTW.).

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Funny you should quote from The Natural. Recently on Fresh Air, Terry Gross interviewed Bernard Malamud’s mistress. She was a 19-year-old student and he was her 50-year-old professor when their affair started. Evidently they remained close friends after the affair ended. The interview was an interesting (if gag-inducing) look into the mind of an OW. Even at 74 and as a trained psychoanalyst, she was still self-indulgent, entitled, and believes she had no reason to feel guilty because he remained married to his wife. If you’re a podcast addict like me, it’s worth a listen.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Multiple children were had. Gotta love passive voice and vague indifferent references to the most beautiful beings in your life. I think John’s wife correctly determined that he has the warmth and empathy of an empty sardine can.

Owlychic
Owlychic
7 years ago

What gets to me about his letter is that he thinks because he’s “cured” he’s owed forgiveness. Is there some law that says you have to take a cheater back if they repented and did all the right things to right a wrong. Every chump has the right to say, I see you did work on yourself but the cheating still happened and I will not have this. Every chump deserves the right to forge a new untainted relationship and leave the damaged one behind. Sorry you cheated dude, but you should’ve been thinking about your wife and multiple children instead of your penis. It’s called consequences.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Owlychic

This is my ex’s complaint exactly, Owly. My ex felt entitled to SO much, including being a mean jerk to the kids and I. Then he felt entitled to fuck around, break up the kids’ family, lie to them, and neglect them badly. But NOW HE’S CHANGED, and he apologized! Multiple times! So now he’s entitled to the kids’ reconciling with him. And if they’re not, that is clearly my fault.

I can just hear him thinking ‘I will prove to the kids that I’m no longer an entitled jerk, by …. still acting like I’m entitled. And I’ll prove to them that I take responsibility for my actions, by blaming their mom for the results of my actions’. Sometimes he can keep it together for a while, but the entitlement just ooooooozzzzzeesss out of him.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
7 years ago

“Listen!”

I can almost hear the foot stampting.

“Some guys are and will always be assholes! They say they’ll change and everyone knows they give 2 weeks of effort and then it’s back to their old self.”

Dear John (hey here comes a Dear John letter. Also, Johns are what prostitutes call their clients. Coinkydink?)…

Dear John,

I am going to save you $$$ going to therapists trying to figure out what is wrong with you and why you did what you did.

You did what you did because you are a self-entitled asshole, and you are a manipulative asshole as well.

Even now you appear to be trying to manipulate others rather than just owning the shit you have done and are continuing to do.

I get it. Consequences suck, and you cope with those by trying to avoid them by manipulating others.

See there? I just saved you 10s of thousands of dollars in therapy.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

“John” is also slang for “toilet.”

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yes! He’s literally stating that it’s “Not his cheating that’s the problem, it’s how Chump Lady reacts to it.”… Buahahaa…

Buddy
Buddy
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I guess it’s just bad luck that she chose this blog to read amidst the 1000s of others that advocate reconciliation. Poor John. 1/1000th chance of your cheating leading to a divorce. Just bad luck.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago

Dear John,
“Multiple children”?? Did it just take too much of your valuable time to do a head count and come up with an actual number? If you’re in that big of a rush you could just say “children” since that implies more than one child. And John honey, math is clearly not your strong suit. You did not make “one mistake”. Every single action on your part in stepping outside your marriage counts as a separate act or “mistake” if you will. Every email, phone call, text, meeting, physical touch, time spent planning the “mistake”, thinking about the OW, etc., adds into your count of “mistakes”. Add all of those things up and you will have the real number of mistakes you made. When you spend more time recounting the terrible damage you did to the woman and children who trusted you and your sincere regret for harming them and less time recounting what a great guy you are, then maybe we’ll believe you are a changed man. Until then we’ll just keep high fiving the woman who was smart enough to leave a cheater and gain a life.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

‘When you spend more time recounting the terrible damage you did to the woman and children who trusted you and your sincere regret for harming them and less time recounting what a great guy you are, then maybe we’ll believe you are a changed man.’

THIS!!

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beautifully stated Beth.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

He got caught. Based on his note, each time he got caught, at most, was a mistake.