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UBT: “I Made a Terrible Mistake”

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secondchanceI get some weird mail. But perhaps none so weird as this letter sent to my Universal Bullshit Translator by John — a cheater. Yes, probably inadvertently, John has asked me to decode his own bullshit.

Here’s the letter:

Maybe you should focus a little more at actually responding and helping people a little more. My wife comes here and is encouraged to leave me. Listen! Some guys are and will always be assholes! They say they’ll change and everyone knows they give 2 weeks of effort and then it’s back to their old self. Whether it be alcohol, drugs, abuse or whatever. But there are SOME who actually go out, seek counseling, find out why they are acting why they are acting (because they love their wife and kids), find medication, change their lifestyle and change for the better forever. And we would all agree after a few months you know if you’re dealing with the same person or not.

I have multiple kids with my wife and yes I made a terrible mistake. But I went and did everything in my power. And things were going very well!! Until one day, right before we are supposed to move she says, “You’re not coming with us, I can’t get over it.” Meanwhile telling our counselor and our families how great it’s going, BECAUSE IT IS GOING GREAT! but turns out she turns to this site and is encouraged to “run away!!” Sorry ladies but not all of us are the same. Some of us actually love our wives. Some of us actually want to change and do! This website may have done more damage than was already done. Meanwhile I sit in an empty house, no wife, no kids, and change my career to be home more for the family and for my wife so now I don’t have enough capital to even afford my own place.

I did all I could to right the wrong. I truly love my wife. And I will never stop. Maybe someone will one day open her eyes back to the fact that I am the person she married and I lost my way. Thanks again!

Let’s UBT that:

Maybe you should focus a little more at actually responding and helping people a little more. My wife comes here and is encouraged to leave me.

Dude, the banner says “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.”

UBT: The problem isn’t my cheating, the problem is your advice.

Listen! Some guys are and will always be assholes! They say they’ll change and everyone knows they give 2 weeks of effort and then it’s back to their old self.

I’m different! I’m not one of those Bad Cheaters! Unlike an asshole, I love my wife!

Why put in two weeks of effort when mindfuckery is so much more effective?

Whether it be alcohol, drugs, abuse or whatever. But there are SOME who actually go out, seek counseling, find out why they are acting why they are acting (because they love their wife and kids), find medication, change their lifestyle and change for the better forever. And we would all agree after a few months you know if you’re dealing with the same person or not.

Cheating can be cured in a couple months. Get over it already. I made a lifestyle change! Got new throw pillows and everything!

I have multiple kids with my wife and yes I made a terrible mistake.

Mistake. Singular!

But I went and did everything in my power.

Counseling for, like, entire months! Unlike those two-week losers.

And things were going very well!! Until one day, right before we are supposed to move she says, “You’re not coming with us, I can’t get over it.”

Imagine that. Chump has an opinion. Like I’m supposed to respect that? The mindfuckery things were going SO WELL!!

Meanwhile telling our counselor and our families how great it’s going

OMG, you mean she presented one front to the world, but did another thing entirely?! You don’t say. The injustice.

BECAUSE IT IS GOING GREAT! but turns out she turns to this site and is encouraged to “run away!!”

It must be the interwebz that changed her mind, not my behavior. I wonder if I can stop her from reading… Damn you literacy!

Sorry ladies but not all of us are the same. Some of us actually love our wives.

Ladies, I’m sorry your men didn’t love you. Unlike me. I actually love my wife. I send her flowers, write poems, fuck interns. Go to counseling for like, entire months about it. Examined my lifestyle! #allkindsofawesome

Some of us actually want to change and do!

I’m not an entitled fuckwit anymore! I’m just indignant about consequences and indifferent to my wife’s feelings. #allbetter

This website may have done more damage than was already done.

Those bitter bunny cartoons hurt people. Unlike me. I just fuck interns.

Meanwhile I sit in an empty house, no wife, no kids, and change my career to be home more for the family and for my wife so now I don’t have enough capital to even afford my own place.

And the channel flips to the Sad Sausage setting.

I can’t afford my own place! All my capital is being used to shelter my wife and children! #feelmysorry

I did all I could to right the wrong. I truly love my wife.

In that fuck-other-people-singular-mistake kind of way.

And I will never stop.

… until the next shiny kibble crosses my path.

Maybe someone will one day open her eyes back to the fact that I am the person she married and I lost my way.

I’m WAYWARD! I got befuddled and took a wrong turn. I examined my FOO issues, had a lifestyle change, and read some Healing Library articles. For entire MONTHS! Maybe someone will one day create a website for reconciling wayward people! And she will find it! And her little lady brain will be persuaded!

We can only dream that such places exist. Until then it’s just stupid Chump Lady and her Bitter Lady Brigade monopolizing all the advice and brainwashing people with this I-have-agency bullshit.

Thanks again!

Gotta find a new chump. Thanks for nothing, Chump Lady!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • OMG I guess Im still a chump. I followed his “logic” until I read your response. Thank God for you CL!

      • I don’t know if that ever fully goes away until Meh…for me, it’s more about how I saw him as a good and honest person, and reconciling that against who he really is has been a long trajectory of missteps and manipulations. The desire to not be completely wrong about someones character that you willingly joined your life to, created other life with, and planned a future with is strong – WE are committed and ethical empaths – we are an excellent source for the disordered for that very reason, and it’s why, when we read John’s letter, we read it in our ex’s voice and think “ok, that sounds reasonable and believable – maybe there ARE good people out there….maybe MY husband/wife CAN turn it around! ” That’s why the reoncilliation industry is booming right now. Please, for your sake, your children’s sake, and your family’s sake, TRUST THAT THEY SUCK. Dig into that statement and attach real meaning to it (I personally imagine D. Trump saying those things in John’s letter), the sooner you do, the faster you will stand up for what is best for you and the faster Tuesday will come.

        • Even if GOD fell from the sky and told you it is sincere and you carry on with your cheater you have to realize the person you loved died and the person you were was murdered. You are now two different people with this “Mistake” between you. It will always be the elephant in the room.

          YOU CANNOT UNHAPPEN IT. No amount of unicorns can take away the damage done. EVER.

          • That’s about as true a statement as I’ve read about reconciling. In order to proceed with reconciling with a cheater you have to accept that you, the betrayed, will NEVER be the same person you were before. And I don’t know about the rest of you, but I quite liked myself before getting my life smashed in. Sorry your wife had a backbone and treated you like

            • You know what? I was a REALLY NICE wife. Really nice. And my husband did his “mistake” while I was pregnant with our daughter seven years ago. What has happened since? Counseling, and a whole bunch of “blah blah blah” changes. Truth is, I suspect I have a Unicorn. And guess what? I don’t really care. His Unicorness doesnt take it away and it has haunted me. I tried to spackle. I tried to encourage. I tried to go back to nice wife. It’s changed everything. So while I am HERE and I even have our son due any day now…… I still love my husband, but it will never be the nice, naive, trusting kind of love it was EVER. He didn’t “lose his way” and find himself in a vagina. He plotted a specific course or allowed himself to be led there. Sure, he changed. But so did I. I found out I wasn’t special to him at all, and that I am special to me. What can I say. I’m “happy enough” with the marriage. I’m not rushing toward the door. I have my Plan B in my back pocket. Lord help him if he cheats again. He won’t see anything I do coming. But he SHOWED ME very clearly that I can’t expect better from him. Maybe, over time my feelings will change, maaaaaybbbbeeee the sustained, sweet love and passion will return. But if I had realized seven years ago how very long a marriage can run and how very deep the scarring would be, I don’t believe I would have bothered. There’s a very good chance I could have divorced, moved on and remarried someone I could trust by now. I am glad John’s wife realizes she can’t get past it and doesn’t spend the next seven years wondering EVERY DAY if she has made or is making the right decision about staying with John, who can “get lost in the way home.” Good for John for doing some examination of himself, but that journey seems to be very much at the start, not the conclusion. I highly suspect if he is genuine and doesn’t deviate from becoming a better mate AND doesn’t pressure his spouse, he will most likely end up with a healthy relationship. But this blog can’t decide that for him. Nor is this blog FOR HIM. But hey, if he hadn’t done a real nasty deal to his wife, odds are, SHE WOULD NOT HAVE COME HERE. If John would have gone straight home instead of straight for OW, his wife would be by him, with their kids (and all of his money), never knowing what a “Chump Lady” was or what RIC stood for. So whereas John feels the ‘sting of loss’ by outright throwing his family away with both hands (and his dick); his wife gets to feel absolutely robbed of a faithful husband, the dream of her family, and she gets go feel that shit-stain on her self-esteem that we chumps know all too well. John days he’s loves his wife. My husband says the same thing. I really have to know before I die, what the fuck does that mean? What the fuck does “I love you” really mean when it comes from a man that acts like a Vagina Collection Agent? Or a woman that is a Dick Landfill? What the Hell is “Love” from these people? Nice feelings? Usefulness? Willingness to go to counseling to get their spouse to shut up? To me love is sacred. To people that cheat, it just sounds like a buzzword to me.

              • ‘Never knowing what a “Chump Lady” was. Spot on Alexandra, it could be a Yeti for all I knew before I entered into the Cheaters twilight zone 🙁 I am so grateful to be able to read here daily and patiently wait for the bleeding scars to dry up, but OMG what I would give to never have had to google my way here 3 years ago ).

              • I feel exactly like you do! I’m still here but not like I used to be. I worked my ass off to make sure we had a home & enough money to still go on vacation, put our kids in a better school & for her to work part time so she could be home when school was out. Oh, & support her fricking purse & shoe habit. This also gave her the free time to bang her married boss. She even told her enabling BFF I was a great father (damn straight I am) & a good husband! I now have zero respect for her & honestly couldn’t care less about her “happiness” with the marriage. I have all these doubts about my decision to stay. one day, I MIGHT get back to what I was before but I doubt that as well. I don’t trust my wife to tell me what the weather is right now. She might be a unicorn but I just don’t believe they exist.

              • BBTW – you and Alexandra are showing us that unicorns aren’t that special really. They may have changed, but it doesn’t erase what they’ve done or how it makes you feel about the marriage and the person you married. They still have the stink of infidelity on them and you both recognize this is not the person you thought you married. So you’re kind of stuck with this person who you wouldn’t have chosen in the first place, had you known them as they are now.

                I’ll bet they can’t understand why things aren’t what they used to be. In their minds they’ve atoned so you should be happy, right? Wrong. They can’t undo what they’ve done and things (and you) will never be the same nor feel the same way about them. It’s too bad these entitled idiots don’t think about the PERMANENT damage they cause before they do it.

                I wish you both much luck going forward trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

              • Mine did, but not until some years later. After the torture, the bewilderment, the chronic sadness and disbelief. After the awakening, the physical abuse in response, and the loss of everything I’d built for so many years. I rebuilt my life, and refused to be called back into service by the selfish douchebag I’d already wasted far too much of my life upon when his Plan A didn’t work out. Then I heard he died. And checked in with a former colleague who told me that the Karma Bus was not kind to the selfish prick. Six years in institutions, with an occasional week at home with 24/7 care. He died at age 57, at home, probably by his own hand with painkillers while the caregiver slept, a day after the docs said there was nothing more to do for him. By then, no one much gave a shit about him and he was so violent in his speech and actions that no one but the occasional flying monkey cared anymore

                Sometimes bad things do happen to bad people. It’s a reason to hope.

              • As awful as it sounds I wish mine had died. I wouldn’t have suffered as much. Cheater, compulsive liar has no remorse or empathy for all I sacrificed and did for him during our 20year marriage. He’s been relentless in trying to destroy me and literally made me homeless. I’d be pleased if he died, he has no conscious and I don’t believe he has a soul.

            • I felt like it was my husband’s funeral when I found out about his cheating. It felt like he had actually died and in his place was this crazy person that looked just like him. And somehow, it was like, ‘if I just wait this out of negotiate with this crazy person, he’ll somehow bring my husband back to life, since he chose to kill him off in the first place.” Really bad sci-fi. My reality for a half-decade post D-day.

              • I yelled at him one time screaming that what if had died and I learned all this after or worse yet met all the OW at his funeral!

                I do wish he would have died before he was taken over by aliens (if there was a before) and I could have remembered him the way I loved him. I could have known I would maybe see him again one day when my time came…

                We even lost that. Death is natural and would have been so much easier. What happened to us in anything but natural and that is why we suffer because it just goes against everything we are.

              • I call the cheating skank boy, Florida Rick. The man I loved before his cheating is/was Rhode Island Rick. Rhode Island Rick is dead.

              • I knew of one OW before he died (he admitted EA but lied about PA to his last breath) but after I learned there were at least 2 more. Hell, if you are going to cheat, why stop at 3?

                I am Catholic and believe in Purgatory, I believe he has been given a birds eye view of watch ing me find proof of his affairs. I think God took away his birds eye view of my bedroom after I quit fretting over him in it and moved my new (faithful) husband in.

                The only place I ever “felt” his presence after he died was in the trails he cut into the forest behind our house, the other say I walked the trails and told him that he is an asshole and I hate him.

                Every day I live my life to be the very best it can be just because I can. While all of us know that their betrayal is worse than death, please dont tell widows that,,,they wont understand and will just think that you are mean. In reality, we dont know what it feels like to lose a good man, none of is here lost a good person, we all lost assholes. ( I just lost mine both ways, yea me)

          • YOU CANNOT UNHAPPEN IT.

            That’s exactly it Jackie, so much of our angst is attempting to make it unhappen somehow.

        • You gift as being an excellent chump decoder and translator is priceless as we can see through your blogs that these cheaters really speak different languages almost alien like! With chump decoder eye glasses we can Women Up – cut the cord – and move on out of Peter Pan’s fairy fable! Thank you so much for the work that you do!

    • I agree. I almost fell for the logic of the letter. Then I reread it and realised he’s not actually stated what he has done wrong, other than to say I are a mistake. What mistake? Years long affair? Sleeping with prostitutes? Chasing young girls on Facebook? He doesn’t mention it he just downplays it and minimises it. Doesn’t accept any accountability

        • Just like you brit, I used to fall for the “everyone makes mistakes…”

          As I read the letter and comments yesterday, the use of mistake in cheaters as a way to evade responsibility really bugged me… Thinking more about it, they might indeed suggest that mistakes were made, but that does not change that cheaters make an enormous mistake when it comes to their chump:

          Keep forging on my fellow chumps :)!

          • I like this, Chumptitude, That’s the only mistake I believe, (ha) Cheaters never accept blame, it’s always someone else’s fault and that someone is the Chump. They might say they made a mistake but they don’t always mention why, at least immediately but rest assured in their mind it was something the Chump, said, did, didn’t do, the way Chump looked at them, whatever, it forced them to fuck their secretary, neighbor, babysitter which made them feel empowered. Yes, that will show the Chump. who cares about the aftermath, they won.

          • Nice cartoon. Love it love it love it!! When I told my husband to hurry and move out like he kept threatening to do – and then when I changed the locks on him when he finally did leave – he said, “You keep on surprising me!”
            Yeah, well, be ready for more surprises because I’m not your doormat chump anymore.
            Yes, keep forging fellow chumps!!

  • As usual it’s everybody else’s fault– ChumpLady’s, his wife’s etc. but not his fault that he has to live with the consequences of his actions. The Mindfuckery of it all is amazing!
    Thanks ChumLady for putting it into perspective.

    • He may have refrained from disrespecting his wife by note fucking random holes at the moment, but the fact he valued her and his multiple kids so little is not a character trait that goes away via months of therapy.

      Guess what? She has probably examined his actions in other interactions. Wow. They don’t match up to his love verbiage of her. He misses his old life, his former wife, the kids who thought he was awesome and his money.

      John, the FIRST step in a successful marriage is respecting your partner. “Mistakes” don’t happen, asshole. You PLANNED it and then EXECUTED the plan. See? That’s way different than buying 2%milk vs whole milk you said you would buy. Your wife isn’t sure she wants to remain with a person who gave ZERO FUCKS about her and your children. What makes your penis so important? Believe me, your wife has also had many opportunties to get entitled zest into her life too. The difference between you and her is her character, her integrity and her respect of you, your marriage and your kids. You aren’t special. Consequences suck. Adulting is hard. Grow the fuck up.

      • “Mistakes” don’t happen, asshole. You PLANNED it and then EXECUTED the plan.’ I should have this made into a plaque and presented to my STBXW on the day our divorce is final.

        She says “Mistakes were made” all the time — along with “When we decided to get divorced…” When I call her on the fact that I made the decision based on her refusal to choose between her continual deception and our marriage, she changes to “When the decision was made to get divorced…”

        • UXworld, This! But of course, the decision to get divorced was mine, not his or ours….. because I didn’t want to go with the options of “we could leave it like this for a while” (you mean you shacking up with the OW while I just got it alone over here?) or “we could just separate for a year, you could date and I could date” (you mean, where I lower my standards to yours so you can feel okay about your decisions while you play house and decide if Plan A is going to work out?)…….Nah, I prefer my children to actually have respect for me.

          • My cheating ex hubs told me I was rushing him into divorce and couldn’t we just keep things the same for the next six months. We were his plan B. All of this while living with the MOW for periods of time and then coming back into our “home” to do his laundry acting like nothing was amiss. I filed for divorce and got my ducks in a row immediately after finding out he was an epic cheater

            • My serial cheating ex wife told me after the final Dday years back – “why do things have to be so permanent” – referring to me wanting to divorce her. The worse part she got that verbiage from her enabling Mom. Her Mom knew this wasn’t 1st time her daughter cheated.

              Her Mom was present on my 1st Dday when the betrayed spouse of whom my ex-wife was cheating with her husband, came over to my home and was throwing punches at my ex-wife for cheating with her husband. My ex-wife’s Mom saw the devastation first-hand and still continued to enable her years after. The worst part is the betrayed spouse that was attacking my ex-wife (justifiably if you ask me) was my own sister. Yes my ex-wife cheated on my sisters husband (my-brother-in-law). My Ex-wife and her whole family is just a bunch of rats and ass-clowns!

              Years have passed but I only share this because bad character is learned.

              • SCA, all I can say . . . eeewwwww! So sorry. Profoundly happy that you are out of that rodentfest, with clowns yet!

                I’m embarrassed to admit, though, that I really love the line, “WHY do things have to be SO permanent??” waaahh waaahh

              • Wait. SureChumpedAlot, we may have covered this before, but your wife slept with your sister’s husband?

              • Hey Ian, (there is no reply button under your name for whatever reason) but yup we have covered this before – ex-wife was getting boinked by my sisters husband, in my home.

                That was a while ago and I am way past it. I just brought it up as response to what cheaters say (like John) to get another chance. It doesn’t matter to them how unscrupulous their actions are – whether they are family-fuckers or not. When we give cheaters a 2nd chance all that does is guarantee another Dday.

              • My D day 1 was out of town with her mom too…..I find out 3 years after the fact….talk about shitty in laws, you would think that would be the last setting it would happen what a good mom…..Once a cheater always a cheater is the best approach….

              • SCA: as my therapist said when I was sickened and offended by MIL’s enabling: it is none of your business how she supports her son. Why be offended? Why go to the source of the madness, and expect it not to be mad?

          • My wife had the audacity to accuse ME of throwing away the last 12 years! She even texted me once during it all and said, I crap you not, “Our relationships has always been based on trust…” I asked if she even realized how ridiculous she sounded. Nope. This was all my fault…

            • I am not surprised at all, Blinded.

              After I confronted her evidence taken from her phone of (a) her accusing me of domestic violence to one of her secret fuckbuddies, and (b) the both of them plotting to have their THIRD sexcapade in my home, after my daughters left for school, she had for (forgive me) BALLS to say to me, “Well, you have to understand that I don’t trust you now either . . .”

              • So funny they are, if it wouldn’t be so damaging. My serial cheating XH, with whom I have 2 children, said to me: “You need to trust me. The distance you keep makes me feel so lonely, it’s not my fault I meet women to feel validated’.

              • Blinded by the wife & UXWorld- It’s unbelievable what comes out of these cheaters hole in their faces when they get caught with a dick-in-hand.

                When these tricks are under the influence of what they perceive as “true love” with the AP, they will continue to say and do whatever it takes to keep their delusion alive at all costs. They can not decipher reality vs fantasy.

                They spew their inept justification no different than if someone has drank a 12 pack with a half a dozen shots. Same trash-talk. Wonder if these tricks get a hangover from over indulging in schoopie like alcohol does to you?

            • Cheaters are f’ing hilarious!

              After I threw mine out, he complained “Daughter and I were really looking forward to a family Christmas,” and then accused me of being anti-family. Bundle of laughs, these assholes.

              • I threw mine out one morning after his repeatedly saying, “I’m moving out!”
                But nothing was happening! He just kept coming and going as he pleased. After being MIA all weekend, walking in early Monday morning – I blew up. He grabbed some clothes and said OK, Ok I’m going! I asked: “Why haven’t you left yet? You keep saying you’re moving out – it’s been weeks!”

                He said all pititful like, “I have no where to go!”

                Oh my goodness. He disgusted me so much right there.

                And then the story from him was: She threw me out and I was homeless for a weeks!!

                Poor baby. Now he’s in a huge rented house in an expensive neighborhood with OW and he’s crying about how he can’t give me any money because he’s so broke. LOL

                Oh brother. Homeless my butt. He was staying at hotels every night. He didn’t mind being “homeless” every weekend at the Hyatt with his girlfriend. I guess it’s only homeless when you’re at the Hyatt during the week.

            • They’re just so….I can’t even think of a word to say how fucked up they are. It would be like Ted Bundy addressing the judge, “well your honor, I realize that it may appear as if I stalked women, faked an injury to prey on their sympathies and then brutalized them before murdering them and having sex with the corpses, however, if you consider the fact that if they weren’t women, it wouldn’t have happened. So you see, it was a chromosome mixup that caused this to happen. I have the upmost respect for women. Can’t I just say sorry and go home? I promise I will be on my best behavior. Trust me”

              • Oh Anne…Yes, Ted Bundy, the biggest narc ever…dangerous, disordered, evil. …these inhuman creatures are dangerous…extreme.

                We are so lucky to be away from them. I almost feel sorry for satan’s women. They have no idea…and they won’t till it is too late.

                There otta be a law!

      • I have another question for John…
        After all the fuckbuddies, you suddenly realize you “love” your wife all along? Using your thinking, it takes years, months, days, hours or moments of cheating -physical and emotional (you know…all those times you told willing holes how awful your wife was for – fill in the blank-)- to realize NOW you love your wife. Every random fuck was done for love?

        Yeah. I’m real triggery on this shit. The asshole in my life used that crap on me too. Because cheating requires an asshole to be completely devoid of empathy, you won’t get this but your wife and others will: in the spectrum of my asshole’s fuckfest serial cheating, culminating in a decade long affair with a married, diseased twat and due to the fact I wrecked his entitled fun by finding out, the asshole in my life did circle back like you, John. Spent months in therapy, etc.. And proclaimed he has always “loved” me. Chumps know that vows are important, real, conditional adult promises. True love dictates you keep those promises. True love means working through the unfun, unsexy stuff of real adult relationships.

        Why now? Why do you suddenly “love ” your wife NOW? Why didn’t you love her and your kids enough to respect them in the first place? The chump knows what true love entails and what cake looks like. You suddenly miss your cake. You can’t unfuck those you have fucked in blatant disrespect of your wife. Your wife realizes that. She has a 100% better chance swinging a dead cat in a singles bar to find a better partner than you. Because every guy in that bar has not lied to her, used her, risked her health, embezzled her time, emotional energy and money to outright deceive her. It will be up to her to vet the creeps from the potentials. You just gave her a master class in douchebaggery.

        • Standing ovation and woot woot calls. As my mom used to say—too little too late.
          Bye bye sucker-who-sucks-and-will-continue-to-suck

        • Great point ANC! There are so many really good comments today, I am finding this post downright therapeutic! I’m most of the way to Meh, but I still have some lingering guilt for calling off the second reconciliation, and starting the divorce. I did want to fix the marriage, but eventually accepted the fact that there was nothing left to save. Needed time to get my ducks in a row, and then began the process as soon as I could.

          The thing these cheaters uniformly believe is that they are entitled to a second chance, especially if they make some changes and efforts. The sad reality is that life doesn’t give do-overs. The consequences for distracted-driving is sometimes death or permanent disability of themselves or innocent others. They don’t get a do-over. No matter what anyone does! The consequence is unchanged. Even though a lot of times it is totally unfair. The actions leading to a terrible thing have consequences.

          But chumps are supposed to graciously grant a suspension of consequences? I’m a terrible person for kicking my ex out when he was presumably not cheating after a dozen years of cheating? Honestly, trying to reconcile felt more like the movie Weekend at Bernie’s, toting a corpse around pretending it (the marriage? the man I married?) was still alive. There was no consequence in that second reconciliation, and I couldn’t live with myself living that lie. My explanation for any who needed to know: He broke the marriage, I ended it.

          • Exactly! Whenever you cheat, you run the risk that your partner (you know, the one you actually committed to) may run. That’s a pretty typical known consequence.

            John, you rolled the dice on your life and came up snake eyes.

          • Yes! I feel exactly the same way. EVEN IF — and that’s a huge IF and the fact that it’s an IF is part of the problem — he’s a unicorn, it still doesn’t undo the damage. It doesn’t erase the scars, take away the pain. You can’t change the past. There’s a reason they are called deal breakers.

            The first affair (that I know of) my STBX had was with a close friend several years ago. They had moved out of town but still in the area a few years ago so we still had occasional contact. I and the husband didn’t find out about it until last spring. The husband contacts my STBX and tells him “I forgive you but I can’t be friends with you any more. I don’t want to hang out, don’t want to talk” etc. My STBX understood that. When he was begging me to reconsider divorce, with me feeling like he felt entitled to staying married, I asked him why it was reasonable for his former friend to forgive and not be in contact anymore, yet it was unreasonable of me to not want to be married. He had no answer to that.

            It is reasonable and expected that I don’t want to be married to someone who abused and hurt me that deeply, regardless of the path his life takes from this point on. Regardless of whether he gets his crap together and fixes himself. Regardless of whether he truly changes and goes on to be Mr. Perfect. This blog helps me so much and I tell myself often “trust that he sucks” but EVEN IF he doesn’t anymore, I am not unreasonable. Divorce is a healthy, reasonable and expected response to your marriage being broken by your spouse.

            My pastor reminds me “He broke/ended the marriage. You are merely seeking a legal representation of that fact.”

          • I agree how many chances does it take? Asswipe had four chances. The last time was it and I should have dumped his ass the first time but no im a chump. This last time he started it I finished it. This site is a safe haven for us full of love and stories and wonderful advice and fuck them that think different such as the cheater bastard that got ubt’d today. Abd yes ive appreciated some of the knocks to the back of the head I needed so badly from here. The first time they cheat they need to go. Asswipe never wanted to talk about it makes him uncomfortable just wants to forget what he did no big deal its all good and pretend nothing bad happened and we will continue to be the best of friends. No way mother fucker I asked him so you want me to be past this forgive when you never asked for it or even gave a sincere apology forget it happened and we will be best friends and one big happy family? His answer of course thats what he wants. My coment to him was im gonna forget you happened forgive myself and pretend you are dead and when people ask about my kids dad im gonna tell them he tried to get my adult children a new mom caused the old one was no good not new and sparkly enough so he cheated left me and hes dead to me. His jaw dropped to the floor! I still love you I still wanna look out for you I worry about you! And actually got real tears in his eyes. Oh boo hoo. Said its really gonna fuck him up if I refuse to speak to him it will ruin his relationship with the whore! He hopes one day I will get over myself and be friends with both of them! Never gonna happen. He will be dead to me. I told him I didnt give a fuck about the rest of his life or what happens to him and shoukd there be a function where we both have to be present I will simply ignor him. Fuck him!

        • Hey John. When you cheated it wasnt as if you spilled coffee on her laptop. Ooops. What you did was so damaging, so painful, so irreparable. If you truly love your wife as you claim then let her go. Let her find a good man who wont lie to her and betray her. She deserves that does she not? You need pay her back all the money you stole from the family pot to spend on your affair. Every penny. If you are truly sorry and not just lying again then you will do this. It sucks that you are alone and out of funds. Why dont you tell your affair partner? I am sure she will be happy to help pay your bills like your wife used to.

  • Ha! I too felt myself getting sucked into the void of “well, maybe this one is different” …. until I read the part about being all awone boo hoo and came to the realization that the sad sausage stage had arrived after paragraphs of mindfuckery. Thank you CL! I’m getting there ??

  • My favorite cheater trick is the use of passive voice: “This website may have done more damage than was already done.” Takes the focus away from them. The damage that WAS DONE, rather than the damage that I DID. Classic!

    • I can hear my Cheaters tone of voice being used as I read,, “This website may have done more damage than was already done.” Serious, calm and genuinely concerned. Chumps, are you listening to the sincerity in my words?? CL, it’s all your fault my life is in shambles.
      When I confronted Cheater with some of his lies while in my Chump trans, I said you always told me you were a man of integrity, his reply, my integrity is still the same, my integrity hasn’t been tarnished and is completely in tact. Using his condescending tone, calm, serious, I’m an asshole voice.

      • Brit–we were obviously married to identical twins separated at birth. The last half of the marriage, mine switched his “rage” channel to a calm condescension that subtly asserted his [perceived] superiority while the words themselves seemed to convey concern. Don’t miss that.

        • What’s with that? My ex too switched from rage to calm-appearing condescension, still uses it in the minimal contact we still must have. It’s all about the superiority they feel they have over us.

    • As my ex says: ‘I HAVE BEEN exiled from my family’. As the prosecutor said to Oscar Pistorius – you just can’t take responsibility, can you?

  • This is the risk(s) you take by cheating. EVEN ONCE and EVEN IF you’re a unicorn with TRUE remorse. Your partner has agency to walk away and say, “the trust is gone”.

  • There’s that ever present entitlement… she said “I can’t get over it” and he thinks he’s entitled to forgiveness and another chance. Some times there are no second chances.

    I’d love to know the “real” story behind his “mistake”.

    • Yes, this.

      Extramarital sex is like a Pandora’s Box…before the act, you had absolute control over the situation, but once the penis goes into the vagina/mouth, you fully and completely lose control over the consequences and ramifications of what happens subsequent to penis/vagina/mouth/whatever.

      They can “boo freaking hoo” over not liking their consequences, but the time to consider that is BEFORE it happens.

      My new husband is the sweetest person ever, an absolutely wonderful mate, but if I ever cheated, it would hurt/disgust/betray him in such a way that (even if he worked around it and healed somewhat) we would never again be as we are now. This is not a dalliance, game or a mistake to be flirted with, it as serious as a freaking heart attack.

    • Yes, I encourage his chump who he says reads this site to give us the true side of the story… we are here to support you, chump!

      “Mistake. Singular!” hysterical.

      What this cheater and others don’t and will never get – you LIED. You violated your partner’s trust. Nothing you say can ever be believed, ever again. The fake remorse is all for show, and voila! sad sausage mode revealed, he’s really upset because Money.

    • I genuinely would have forgiven a one night stand if it were followed by honesty, decency, respect and recommitment. Anything bigger than a single ons requires decision, planning, duplicity, ongoing lies and betrayal. Interesting, I am rather sure that my nowdeadhusband would never have forgiven a ons.

      • Yeah, ditto on this not forgiving if it had been me.

        In fact, in the early days of his affair, before I found out, stbx raged at me for having said nice things about past boyfriends and not about him IN A DIARY I WROTE 30 YEARS AGO AFTER THE FIRST TIME I BROKE UP WITH HIM.

        • Haha! My cheating ex wife also said something similar…BEFORE I found out about the cheating as she was leaving me she said I never got over my girlfriend before her…25YEARS EARLIER!!! I had no idea where that came from as I hadn’t talked to her in a quarter of a century and 2 children ago!! The narrative they come up with is mind numbing. I was literally left speechless ..

          • I was told that I should have been a virgin. Understand that the Fucktard was not and was 30 years old when we got together. and had lived with two women before, for years. And had run around while single. “You should have waited for me!” Horseshit. Why didn’t you wait for me? The point to be made here is that NO ONE can meet the exacting standards they set for others (even before they have met), and THEY have no need to meet the same standards.

  • I suspect that after reading this he will still be navel gazing in his little empty apartment.

    Chump lady is to blame for the demise of his marriage?!??

    Cause you know, he’s a special snow flake!!!!

    Go back and read yesterday’s comments. How many people took their spouse’s back only to find that after decades of marriage their cheater had not changed. Just got better at lying and manipulating.

    • Another hand raised. 8 more years of him “compartmentalizing” until it was definitely over. And even then, I still hoped for a unicorn.

    • Yep. Raising hand. Forgave a ons 3 years into marriage. Then a year later when I was going to Italy under contract as model, another ons and him saying he wouldn’t wait for me if I went to Italy for 3 months. Didn’t want me to model. Broke my Chumpy heart and destroyed my confidence. You need uber confidence to succeed as model. I stayed home, quit modeling. Gave up my dream. Fast forward 3 decades… I’m finally divorcing the serial cheating certified Anti-social Psychopathic Narcissist Asshole. Caught him in a serious affair of well over a year while we were 8 months into Wreakonciliation! Just found out yesterday of another local lady who (while we were married and livin together) was “seriously let down” by him. He told her we were separated. WTF? He’s living with Schmoopie now. It took me 4 DDays to finally file. I was so invested in the nearly 40 years we had together, 2 amazing sons, and the lifestyle. Believed his bs and how he had “changed”. Believed in unicorns. I swear there is a trauma bond and great emotional damage from this type of pathological abuse. Chumps – dont waste your life if you’ve got a cheater. Take it from a hopium addict. You don’t want to wake up in your late 50’s to face the ugly truth.
      Be mighty.

      • Me too 36 years a one year affair that was supposed to be a one night stand massive financial verbal emotional mental physical and sexual abuse during wreckonciliation for 5 years big discard in october (I couldn’t forgive and was too negative-huh??) He continues to abuse me with his theft of our assets and constant lies and silent treatment.

        Sometimes it takes almost a lifetime to learn a lesson and tge fogginess persists

    • I had the same thought except we don’t have “multiple” kids. Even the part apart her one day opening her eyes. My STBX recently told me (in the same conversation he complained to me about how things weren’t going so well with Schmoopie !!) that he hoped he could prove to me some day that he was changed and someone I could be proud of and I would give him another chance.

      My response: blink. blink.

  • John blames CL. If not for CL he’d still have his wife and “multiple children”. He made a “mistake”, but doesn’t give details about his “mistake”.

    Let me take a guess about john’s “mistake”, odds are he made many mistakes…many, many times, but who keeps count…just lump it all together into one neat “mistake bundle”, it’s cheater quantum mathematics.

    John just wants to blame CL and he is the “victim” now. He’s all broke now, the house is empty of his multiple children. He all alone and broke, it wasn’t his cheating but mean bad CL and her CN nation that destroyed his marriage.

    • Yeah, mistakes were made. Like John’s wife marrying John. That was one huge mistake. Eh, we live and learn.

    • “multiple children”???
      Because he’s so devoted to them and their well-being. If only he could remember how many. Or what their names are.

        • Yeah multiple children made my skin crawl. I started laughing though from the get go with all HIS FREAKING WHINING. Again “sad sausage cheater,is there any other kind?” Sigh.

          • I was just wondering why that bothered me so much! Is it the vagueness like he doesn’t remember how many? Or that he’s seeking sympathy because there are SO MANY? In contrast to “one mistake”? Is it really TWO kids and he wants to act like there are SEVENTEEN? And heaven forbid he pay child support for “multiple” children…

          • Yes! From the first sentence on all I could focus on was his whiny “poor MEEEE” tone. Glad his wife decided to leave. Now he sits all alone in his so very sad alone space with no capital, no wife, no kids, no extra vaginas on the side – all because he was trying to be a good guy!!!. Poor John. He’s not even very swift.. did he really think CL would fall for his act?!?
            Next wife, John, don’t fuck other women and lie to your wife.. and maybe she won’t leave you!

        • I think he used ‘multiple’ rather than the actual number as a way to make himself less ‘detectable’.
          As if his unfortunate chump won’t recognize his self serving drivel. (“I fooled her at least once, maybe I can get away with it again!!!”)

          Foolish fuckwit.

          • Here’s another take on ‘multiple’–maybe he was referring to how VIRILE he is……capable of siring multiple ‘issue’, like a stud bull.

            Delusional (and MEGA ANNOYING) any way you look at it.

    • Yea, who was tending the “multiple children” while he was penis-tethered to some gal? The person who is now pissed off about it. The concept that we (big collective “we”) were singly parenting any number of children while they entertained their weenies is beyond all comprehension.

      • Ah, but unicornomore, we had it so easy! We were being taken care of financially by the man who had so much stress and pressure from being so very important and we just couldn’t understand why he couldn’t be part of the family when he came home after a long day of doing important things and improving his clout score and making connections that better our lifestyle and fulfilling his potential and having to travel to exotic and interesting locations to party while working and forgetting to call home and we have no idea how hard it was to be away so he had to do something not to feel lonely and everyone else is doing it and really you are dragging him down with being tired all the time and smelling like small children and not keeping up your end of things and and your demands of mowing the yard or being pleasant and respectful which are all beneath me and you just don’t understand his life and DAMN it is hard to be him. So what if you had to raise a few kids alone? That’s not real work. Where’s your gratitude for that paycheck?

        • You are right, I did care for the children and mow the lawn while he travelled for work (and screwed OWs) and I was lectured about him wanting to be “admired” and respected. He called home but lied about where he was calling from. His paycheck wasn’t quite enough to cover the bills so in addition to tending my home and family, I also had a gig caring for dying children on the side. (I’m a nurse) But mind you, HIS life was so stressful that he had to cheat.

          When he decided to give me the “laundry list” of reasons he cheated, my job was on the list, he said it was “disgusting”. So stick with me here…he dies and goes to the next place where he may have met a few of the children who I cared for on their way out. Me wonders if they were annoyed that he told me that the gentleness and compassion they received from me was “disgusting”.

          Giving a nod to my dear Pope who made this a jubilee year of Mercy, I will say right here in front of y’all and John the Cheater, I do have compassion that people do such shortsighted, selfish things then later have to face consequences they never ever ever imagined in the moment. That has absolutely got to suck and I really wouldnt want to trade places with them. When my thenhusband called my work “disgusting” he meant to justify his sin, not insult dying children, but there is the sticking point in choosing evil…it takes on a life of its own.

          • Well, I was describing my own life, but I’m sorry it paralleled yours in some ways. I didn’t care for dying children, but I was a teacher before my children were born, which my ex didn’t respect much either. I remember another post where you talked about your ex, and its all horrible, I’m sorry! The evil is not just in the cheating, its in the thousands of little choices to put yourself above others without any humility. I like your Pope too!

          • Trust me unicornnomore, where ever those children are-they have never met your dead ex. He didn’t go to the same place, that’s for sure.

    • RE: MISTAKE, SINGULAR

      My cheater had “a misdeed”.

      A TWO year long misdeed!

      And he told me several times that “I loved you the whole time! I loved you the most, whether you believe me or not!”

      I say God protect us all from that kind of LOVE.

      🙂

  • Yowch.

    1) All about “me”
    2) It’s not FAIR, WaaaaaAAAAAAH!
    3) All about “me”
    4) I showed more willingness than the average
    person, so I should get what I want completely and immediately without any long-term difficult process.
    5) All about “me”
    6) Seriously harming my family because I didn’t have enough maturity to manage myself like an adult sexually should only be a small bump in the road for my primary relationship. After all, that happened in the “not you” compartment and, therefore, didn’t have anything to do with you, even though it put you at risk and broke the most sacred agreements I made about my participation in this relationship.
    7) All about “me”
    8) She put on a brave face for everybody (which I’m sure she wasn’t doing out of fear that she would lose me again if she wasn’t positive enough, since I told her that was why I cheated…) and now she’s leaving me and there’s no reason for it except this website of people who are clearly mind controlled by an evil overlord, since their experiences and perspectives don’t matter.
    9) All about “me”
    10) All about “me”

    Write another letter, John, and this time, list out all the things you think YOU did wrong, things that YOU can see are be unforgivable trust violations. Tell us about how hard you know it must be for her to have tried again at all, and how you realize she needs to figure out who she is without you, now that your choices forced her to realize that if you would lie about something that sacred, she can’t be sure of anything anymore.

    Try to write a letter that doesn’t even hint at blaming anyone but yourself for what you lost because of shitty decision making. Read this site from the point of view of how much infidelity has destroyed all of these peoples’ day to day lives and trust relationships with the world. Look at the gravity of what you chose, and feel the burn of it. Deeply.

    In short, tell us about how you have realized that you pulled the cornerstone out from the bottom of the castle, you know you can’t just push it back in there and expect.it to last forever, and figure out, on your own, whether she helps or not, how YOU are going to rebuild the castle, by yourself, because YOU broke it.

    Maybe you can never fix the damage you did in this relationship. That’s on you. It is also on you to accept that you made a REALLY shitty decision, one that might cost you EVERYthing, that this reality is out of your control, and that you still have an opportunity to fix this problem. You can still make the rest of your life, and your kids’ lives, and all of the lives of people you contact for the rest of your life, better by being a more mature and responsible person. You didn’t do the work you have done so far for nothing. Unless, of course, you think the work is stupid because it didn’t miraculously fix your toys after you broke them. You are not two. You are an adult.

    Grow up, be accountable, fix yourself for your own reasons, and quit blaming the rest of us because you don’t control everything and you can’t have what you want immediately all the time.

    • Standing ovation for that Amiisfree.

      My x-hole is a Sad Sausage now who’s “lost everything” like this creep. Yep, sticking your dribbly dick in at least six other people over a period of many years, including when your wife is pregnant and when she’s at home with three children including a new-born, does, funnily enough, quite often lead to “sitting in a house alone with no wife and kids.”

      Can’t imagine your alternative remorseful letter will show up here any time soon though 🙁

      • Mine has the home he bought out from me on the market! He’s dropped the price at least 6 times in the last 9 months! This is a home we needed 5 appraisals on because he kept low balling me and raising my lawyer fees? My now X is on the Verizon picket line with his Schmoop poop fighting for FAMILY VALUEs! They bitch about CEO pay and they’re greed but they were no better when they both came after me and my kids retirement assets! My son told me he’s now calling her a stalker and his family is telling him all she wants is his money! I told my 26 year old son that’s what happens when you act like a dick! What goes around comes around ….he had been cheating on me for 36 years! Thanks chump lady I’m out of his drama!

        • Nice “age-appropriate” explaining for your son! “Your father’s a dick, son.”

          Cheater’s entitlement seems to veer to delusion in the divorce process. Their economic ideology is finally revealed as completely at odds with their actions.

          Huh, you mean most of the world (especially the post D-Day Chump) just sees a relationship as a business transaction? You’re not valued as highly as you thought you were? It’s going to cost real-world “capital” to extricate yourself from the obligation you committed to? It’s so unfair!

          • I have been trying to keep my comments about Fucktard to myself when my adult sons are around. They took me out to dinner and then drinking on my 50th birthday Tuesday. As we were sitting around the bar, my 22 year old son says he needs my advice. One of his employees is coming on to him and he doesn’t know what to do. My stbx had an affair with his employee, I couldn’t help myself and as I batted my eyelashes I asked him why didn’t he just ask his father. He looked at me for a long minute and then we all burst out laughing. He said, “seriously mom, I need adult advice not junior high advice.” I told him what to do.

  • But you guys he changed his career to be home more with the family! He’s one of those self-sacrificing cheaters! See how he’s DIFFERENT?

    Yeah me neither.

    • Mine tried that too and we don’t even live together anymore. For maybe 9mths. Today my youngest kids haven’t seen their “father” in 2wks. Adulting is soooooo hard. It’s too difficult to take part in their daily routines, creating time to BE with them, all four of them, means taking time away from HIMSELF. The 9months he spent around the home were not as thrilling as meeting an AP at O’Hare and flying to Cleveland to fuck, all for the “love” of his wife and family.

    • Changed his career? More than likely he lost/quit his job and took another so his new job payed less in order to reduce his post divorce contribution to his wife and multiple children. He spun it so it appears he was making time for them because, as we all know, outward appearances are everything to the fucktard. Character is character.

      • Yep. Like my ex, who quit a six-figure successful career within two months of our separation because he decided to “pursue his dream of becoming an actor.” Six years later, he STILL has yet to go back to a real, full-time, long-term job. Some of these losers are willing to go all out to avoid paying support. My guess is ihavewings is absolutely correct — the “John” here quit his job to lower support to those “multiple children.”

      • I wondered if the career change was due to the fact that the AP shared his office? Did he leave the job to spend more time with his family or to spend less time with temptation?!?

  • Dear John….Get over it already dude! The fact that you lost your way doesn’t entitle you to a get out of jail free card. Perhaps you are in fact different and love your wife and realise that you messed up big time and you are willing to do what it takes but you cannot control your wife and how she feels about your messing up. I believe that yes, people can in fact change, but it takes a lot of time……. You don’t get to control the consequences of your actions!

  • Hey John – great letter.

    Really looking forward to the letter where you describe how it was actually all the Affair Partner’s fault, because she threw herself at you, and then one day you tripped over and fell into her vagina.

    It was all just a mistake.

    Yep.

    And you are finding out just how big a mistake.

    • It’s amazing how many people manage to trip and fall into vaginas these days. Maybe these women walk around with a banana skin in their pocket and when they see a married man they want, they quickly drop the banana skin on the pavement in front of them and drop their knickers. Or maybe they just have really massive vaginas? Not too sure really. Either way, apparently all my x-hole’s OWs were to blame as they “offered it on a plate”. Plate of vagina anyone?

        • Here’s an epic situation: “I was meeting her for a job interview and then we went to lunch to discuss the ‘position’ further.”

          He was DUMB enough to have the waiter take pics of them—him all cuddle-cheeked up against her fish face. His patented NARC smile almost blinding the camera……(His thought: what she (me) doesn’t know won’t hurt her).

          How many of us have escorted their ‘potential boss’ to lunch and taken smash faced selfies with them?

          He drove over 400 miles for this ‘meeting’ and had told me he was going on an interview with a company for a position that was in our location.

          Truth: he pursued the carp mouthed cow on Match.

          FTM: his ‘potential boss’ was dressed for the “interview’ in a very low cut blouse with about 6 inches of overfilled cleavage exposed. I discovered an email to her– ‘I miss your mouth’.

          Can’t make this shit up, can we?

          • ha ha, priceless, priceless! Mine said after he finished remodeling her house without having EVER met her in person, she handed him the check to pay him and said, “I wish we could work on another house remodeling project, because I SIMPLY ADORE YOU!” to which I replied in a monotone, “and then ya fucked her?”

            thence the train wreck remark. LMAO about it now. but I was traumatized.

            • Yes, Muse, the trauma we wearing from this kind of deceit….

              Oh Lordy, regarding the story I recounted above—that is just ONE incident with multiple women he co-mingled with on that ‘job interview trip’. Actually, it was the least traumatic of all of the meetings that I learned about.

              He was to be gone for 2.5 days but stayed gone incommunicado (in my ‘chick magnet’ car) for 10 days. I did all I could to file a stolen vehicle report but law enforcement told me that I had given him use of the car, it was my problem.

              There’s in book in me about all the incomprehensible crap this guy pulled but then again, I have extreme PTSD working against me (my memory is shot) and it’s also so painful to recall it. Recalling makes me have to acknowledge it –again. Painful to do cos I am trying to move on……I still struggle with the ’embarrassment’ I feel about being treated so contemptibly.

              I am happy to say that he is reaping what he has sown

        • Train wreck sex? Gosh, that sounds like a proper giggle. Did he tell you if it involved dismembering their own body parts with shards of glass and twisted metal? No wait, that’s what my D-day(s) felt like. What a total wanker.

        • Muse, if a man were to fall all over me like a train wreck, we would call it molestation or rape and call the police. But, then again, that’s just me! Those fucktards!

        • Or in my case, an employee who was such a “good listener”. Turns out she wasn’t much of a talker because his dick was in her mouth. I called her catfish – all mouth & no brain.

      • Hilarious Pineconeelf – “It’s amazing how many people manage to trip and fall into vaginas these days.” Very true but as the cheaters are masters of deception they know they have to tie a 2×4 to their ass so they don’t get lost in there.

        • Now that’s an image that needs to be made into a meme – a giant vagina with a cheater flying towards it with a 2×4 across their ass! One for Ian I think…

          I always imagine that for cheating men having sex with these one-woman leisure centres must be like chucking a sausage into the Channel Tunnel. Very roomy, used to experiencing high volumes of traffic, and inundated with illegal immigrants.

          • ROTFLMAO

            Trigger warning!!!

            I imagined the massive channel vagina meme, but I can’t spend the rest of my day googling vaginas. Much as I might like to. ?

          • OMG you are on a roll, pineconeelf and Ian! “Like chucking a sausage into the Channel Tunnel.” My stomach hurts.

  • Declares change and remorse, does not provide evidence. Insists he’s different/special. Not expressing insight into his wife’s thoughts or actions. Very concerned about image and financial repercussions. Accuses CL of causing his problems. Kids are an afterthought, not real live individual people affected by his actions. Expects wife (and CN) to agree to his demands. Comes across as impatient, cranky, and bitter.

    Not a unicorn.

    • Hands up any woman who, knowing nothing about this man other than that whiny letter, would even go on a date with him, never mind commit her life to being with him?

      Not too many, I’d guess. But if you were also the woman he’d cheated on, and whose family he destroyed, how tempting an offer would he be? Yeah, no wonder that even with counselling she couldn’t make herself stomach it.

      Self-pitying, entitled git.

      • @300poundslighter—“git”….I haven’t seen/heard that word in a hella time! I have used it around people and they have no familiarity with it. They’ve asked me to define it and it’s just one of those ‘you know it when you see it’ kind of words….lol

        • @Hesatthecurb Wanker, git, plonker, tosser are all very English words. I stopped using them once I got to the States as no one understood them. 🙂

          • You can use those brilliant words here! There’s enough of us from the little island here to appreciate them. Wanker is my particular favourite, having been married to one who seemed incapable of stopping himself wanking constantly.

  • Anyone notice the tone of the letter is about the injustice done to him?? One time mistake? I think not. Just the one time he got caught.. My guess is the wife was just buying time, getting her ducks armed and lined up before she made a move. Bravo to her!! And if she truly is on this sight?? Can’t wait to meet her!!!!!

    • Exactly, Pondscumbegone. It’s all about poor him…along in his place, no money. Wah, wah, wah. Well, that’s consequences.

      Also, he feels totally *entitled* to his wife’s reconciliation.

    • Exactly! John´s wife is my new heroe! She must have been keeping up the image of reconciliation so she could plan her move because from what she read on CL she must have connected the dots from the past and realized that she was not getting a unicorn but another future Dday in the making! Good for her. I hope she posts and clarifies what made her realize that her cheater was a fake unicorn…

  • Good grief. I need to go vomit after reading that letter. What a loser. Spewed coffee at “read articles at The Healing Library.” LOL

  • Mommy read the part agai where she surprises him and moves out and takes all her belongings and leaves him alone with nothing but his sticky dick cause that’s the best part!

  • Why put in two weeks of effort when mindfuckery is so much more effective?

    Constantly CL you remind me that my choices are solid ones.

    Mine put in no effort, refused to disclose detail and left the terms of salvaging our marriage to the church elders. I will never know what he was telling them but I am convinced that it is similar to that of your letter writer. All contrite and changed and desperate to be seen as making the effort, when no real effort or change has ever been evident. I ended our marriage and was labeled by many including those who had the most sway in my church as “running away”. If it wasn’t for CL I would have struggled far worse to come to terms with what had happened, but I realised I was not alone and my cheater although extreme and devastating to me at the time of D’day is really just a run of the mill, garden variety, narcissistic fucwit.

    So thank you CL you should be commended for the service you provide in helping Chumps develope boundaries, find their feet, line up their ducks, and kick their cake eating, kibble munching, bitch cookie demanding cheaters to the curb on the way Meh!

  • Most illuminating comment for me? ” multiple children”. Not even individuals, just things. ugh. Creepy
    He has lost his wife appliance and its proving expensive. boo hoo

  • “I can’t afford my own place!” LOL My narc took $4,000.00 of our savings to put down on love nest for he and his gf. (He cheated lied and abandoned his family because he was ‘unhappy’) Then goes on buying spree for big cool bed (according to my daughter), TV, game console and all the necessities of life. He rented a big house in an expensive neighborhood. I asked for an amount each month. He said no and offered less. So I said let the court decide. Court decides $900 more in temporary support than I asked for. My narc is enraged! He can’t afford that! (He and gf each make 6 figures). He whines: I’m going make him go live under a bridge! I am evil! I am greedy! I am so angry and bitter! He is going to come take my car from me! I am trying to financially destroy him!

    Can’t I be ‘unhappy’, too? If he can be ‘unhappy’ and destroy people, why can’t I? 😉

    Yes! Pondscumbegone it’s all about the injustice to them. The poor victims they are. Ugh.

    Charm. Victim, Rage. Repeat.

    • “Can’t I be ‘unhappy’, too? If he can be ‘unhappy’ and destroy people, why can’t I? ;-)” <—– That is excellent, chumpnomore! My thoughts exactly. Mine whined after I started piling up things in the basement that I wanted to make sure he took with him, including things he'd made for me, "do you have ANY idea what it's like to have everything I ever did for you shoved back in my face?!" Um, yes. "YOU are shoving your agenda down my throat, Muse!" he said after I kicked him to the curb when he refused to take resposibility for his actions or make any effort to save our relationship. Um yes.

      • The fucking skankboy doesnt get it either. He had the nerve to ask to come back into the house…My house btw, and date me! I’m sure while he was “dating cumsucker.” Ummmmmm, didn’t even dignify it with words…..just looked at him, smirked and shook my head no.

        • nomore, mine said he was going to live in the guest room and come and go by the side door while “dating” OWhore, and that “if it doesn’t work out with her I can totally see us getting back together!” Um, guess again asshole.

    • “Charm. Victim. Rage. Repeat.” the story of my (and everyone else’s experience ) ex and his skanks reaction to everyone’s (family, friends, etc.) disgust concerning their “relationship”. Yeah, cuz you know, living with someone who tolerated, supported, encouraged and loved them was so excruciating, they just had to dive into another and we should all support and respect that!!!! Give them a chance, dammit!!! Right…. Thank you for the four words Chumpnomore, they are my mantra from now on, to remind me that he is capable of nothing else, just those four words….

  • Yeah. I hear you, man. You slip up and fuck one little piece of ass while married and your little woman has the nerve to get all butthurt about it? I mean really. You said you were sorry. What more does she expect?

    It kills me when they talk out of both sides of their neck. The 40 Year Old Toddler was sobbing inconsolably and babbling about how he made the biggest mistake of his life, and in the next breath wouldn’t say he was sorry because “you wouldn’t believe me anyway.” and never even considered ending the affair throughout its six year entirety, which would have been a way to try and repair the biggest mistake of his life if I’m not mistaken. He had no pretense of ending the relationship or trying, so at least I knew where I stood. It’s got to be harder when these fuckers try to lure you back with false sincerity and promises because they know it’s what we’d want to hear.

    But even then, this gem from the UBT was all me, me, me, I, I, I and lots of My in case we don’t get the point. It wasn’t about his hurting his wife, but her being unreasonable for listening to her doubts. Fuck that noise.

        • Muse, so very true! Dday, I told him to get out. Said I will get my stuff out this week…I said nope, you will get out now! Walked into the den, saw him crying……didn’t even fucking care! Two weeks later, wanted to come back…to “date me”…..I shut that shit down! He didn’t care about me. When I showed him the STD results…..tried to blame it on me being a nurse. Said you probably got it from a patient. I said I don’t fuck my patients like you do your whores! “Get the fuck out” was my response! Felt very empowered that day!

  • CL, you’re killing me with the hashtags. #allkindsofawesome

    And now what we all want to know is–who’s the brave chump who lined up her ducks and then moved without John? Come forward so we can applaud you.

  • What I find most appalling is that he believes there is not one thought in his wife’s head that wasn’t put there by someone else.

    • Yeah, because he’s so accustomed to being the one who tells her what the think. Now he feels threatened LOL.

        • yeah I know that guy… he was always saying for years that the “Universe was laughing at him.” Guess so… NOW.

          • Yeah. I’ve always found abusive people never give credit to their targets for having their own thoughts and formulating their own opinions. I’m sure if we asked John’s wife which was the bigger factor in deciding to end their marriage (him cheating or chumplady); I’m sure it’s a no-brainer what she would have to say about it.

    • Oh, yeah. I had this.

      His theory is that I drew boundaries because my online friends told me to, and then I was too embarrassed to back down from what I’d said. (For the record, after three months of asking him to end his affair, I said that if he went on holiday with her, that was the end for me, and I would no longer consider reconciliation after that point. He went).

      I could never get him to see how profoundly offensive it was to assume that I couldn’t make decisions for myself, and stand by them because I believed they were right.

      • Yeah, mine complained about Bitter Chump Lady when I refused to reconcile with him, and told me I should “get off that site.” #you’renotthebossofme

        • These types usually have no shortage of enablers and flying monkeys. So naturally, so do their victims. Methinks thou doth PROJECT too much!

        • I think that kind of ultimatum might be fun… And karmatic?

          Dillhole: If you don’t stop talking to chump lady, for support and emotional healing, I will leave you….

          Chump: PROMISE?!

          The irony of them being offended by support and an outlet for feelings and brainstorming of what could have been had we found chumplady first. It’s like we are all having affairs with each other. Minus the lying, scheming, crotch shots and monetary exchanges.

  • “Maybe you should focus a little more at actually responding and helping people a little more”

    He does sound remorseful. He went through all the stress of convincing his wife he changed. Hey, drugs, alcohol, and abuse, and ‘whatever’ (exposing your spouse to STD, disrespect, blame shifting, minimizing, power and control, CHEATING), it was a mistake!

    John, the response to cheating is not going through the motions. You made the decision to cheat. Cheating requires repeated planning, lying, and deception and continues until caught. Infidelity is not a mistake.

    What you hate John, are consequences. Your wife and children deserved better. She will go on and have a better life, as she had the strength to leave. That empty room, is a result of disrespect, selfishness, lying and cheating. Its easy to blame John but its all on you.

    • Doingme, mine said it “just happened.” Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Like my shoestring just happened to come undone! Fuck them!

    • No, no, no.

      It was a mistake.

      He slipped and fell into her vay jay jay.

      As it was flying towards him.

      On a dark night.

      And it was raining.

      And he thought it was his wife’s.

      And she literally threw herself at him.

      And he didn’t even enjoy it.

      There was an earthquake …

      https://youtu.be/JFvujknrBuE

  • Dear John, (love that I get to use that cliche!)
    CL does help people.
    She helped me a lot!
    I moved on from being with a loser narc just like you, with CL’s HELP!
    Let’s raise our glasses to the help we’ve all gotten from CL and CN.

  • Clearly, the counseling is doing wonders for helping him recognize the damage he has done and take responsibility like an adult…wait, nope. It hasn’t. Still, looking outside himself for why his life is a mess…could it be because he cheated and that destroys relationships?!

  • The one fatal mistake these cheaters make is not so much the actual cheating ( which is NOT a mistake at all as it took incredible planning to execute), but these assholes forget that WE, the chumped, also have a choice! What shocks these idiots is when we actually take our future into our own hands and begin to gain a new life! After all, isn’t that what they also did? And I don’t remember my cheater consulting me while he was fixing to cheat on me! By golly, he and OW even had a countdown calendar and were so excited about their impending betrayal it was unbelievable! Well, I then created my own countdown calendar which included, when fuckwit needed to move out, when was the divorce going to be final and get all of your crap out of the house I now own that you will pay for! Yes, he found it quite unfair and yes he is broke and very sick! Begging to come back and remarry! Really?? Cause now he has decided it was all just a terrible mistake and he really, really always loved me!!! Flattered? NOT! Three total years to decide I am his real “Twu wuv”! No thanks! I suggested he get back on Facebook and find a new lover! God knows their are plenty of “easy” marks!

    • Yup, my ex was shocked that I chose to file for divorce. Truly shocked. Somehow the thought that I could make my own decisions and enforce consequences to his actions apparently never crossed his mind.

    • Roberta

      “What shocks these idiots is when we actually take our future into our own hands and begin to gain a new life.”

      You hit the nail on the head Roberta! The Limited expected to live with me while he waited six weeks for my daughter to complete her bathroom. He asked her if he could move in because we were having problems a few weeks earlier. The ‘problem’ was he found his new whore and lied to all of us. The next day he informed me he wouldn’t be coming home. He expected to live with me and sleep with the whore on a Saturday night. I threw his shit on the porch while he was sleeping, took his keys and said we are done.
      He moved in with the whore immediately and never slept at my daughters house despite putting every in her basement and using her address.

      He never filed and when he was served he was furious. After dragging out the divorce and making demands he told me he thinks about me all the time after the settlement agreement was signed. What?

      What I know now was that he didn’t want me to have a future without him. Loss of cake is so traumatic, isn’t it? The Limited is still living his dream Roberts, heavily into debt, loss of business, and sitting at the casino bar nightly with the druggie BP whore getting sloshed. The family he once had with all the joy and love is no longer shared. Knowing him and his expectation of ‘mistakes’ being forgiven is over. Now I laugh at his parting words, “I can never get anywhere with you.” He scorched the green grass and has to live with the worst ‘mistake’ of his life. Me, I’m still working on myself and after two years of struggling I have gained a life.

      Roberta you are so Mighty!

      • Doing me, Thanks, but it can be tough and mighty comes after the lightbulb moment when you realize that you don’t have to wait for these idiots to “decide” who they are and who they truly love and for their so-called “confusion” to lift! Meanwhile, confused or not, they seem very focused in a hotel room screwing a nasty whore! But oh when that moment of truth hits you and you realize that the decisions in your life DO NOT depend on some fuckwit, it’s liberating. It turns the tables on them and they howl like the dogs they are! Mine was flabbergasted that I filed for divorce. He had been taunting me about hiring himself a lawyer. I didn’t take the bait nor give him any indication I was going to file. I must admit it made me feel powerful! I got rightiously pissed and ended up with a very sweet settlement! Screw these assholes! Kick them to the curb!

        • For me Roberta it was years of fighting for him. The difference the last time was I no longer fought for him. God was that fucking exhausting. Now, coward that he is, he uses the SLUNT for triangulation through taunting and stalking me. Passed that torch two years ago. Now I call the police and believe she got the message. As with all cheaters they go underground. Loving my cheater free life.

    • “I suggested he get back on Facebook and find a new lover!”

      BOOM, awesome come back Roberta, you are a super mighty chump!

    • Roberta – WOWEE! Your entire post is amazing, from the beginning about taking back our lives to telling your cheater to go on Facebook and find a new lover, as they are easy marks!!! LOLOL! I enjoyed every word of your post and gosh you are mighty. And you’re right, they don’t consult us when they decide to have a new life, why shouldn’t we take control of our own lives. And I can’t believe him and the OW were countingdown the days and were going to celebrate. Unbelievable. He didn’t know who he was messing with. You’re an inspiration to me!

  • The UBT writes a pretty good Dear John letter !

    Multiple children ?
    That sounds creepy.

    I’ll bet he has two children.
    Multiple exaggerates his level of perceived loss.

    Poor Bastard!

  • The way I read this……John becomes a bit pissed as the letter gets closer to the end. He becomes kind of righteous! By saying things like….

    Maybe someone will one day open her eyes back to the fact that I am the person she married and I lost my way.

    He refers to his ‘beloved’ wife as SOMEONE. ???

    Meanwhile I sit in an empty house, no wife, no kids, and change my career to be home more for the family and for my wife so now I don’t have enough capital to even afford my own place.

    Look at me…..making all of these changes and just when I thought I had her in my back pocket again…..you people go and screw that up for me!!!!! Cause you know……SOMEONE can’t make decisions for herself!!!!

    He’s not just your everyday run-of-the-mill-asshole……he is A.COLOSSAL.ASSHOLE!

    • My take on that was he meant, like Ohana said above, that his wife is incapable of having any independent thoughts of her own, so she would need a third party to open her eyes FOR her. You see, the little woman shouldn’t be upset about his cheating because he SAID so… he totally doesn’t see her as an equal and functioning human being. She’s an empty glass waiting to be filled by “someone” else, only unfortunately in his eyes, CL and CN got there first.

      • And the corollary take on all this is the Scooby Doo take: “If not for you meddling, trespassing kids, I mean, chump ladies, I would have gotten away with it!”

        He’s not sorry he cheated.
        He’s not sorry he got caught.
        He’s sorry that she’s imposing consequences and taking away his Cake to which he is entitled.

        By saying “not all of us [cheaters] are the same” he’s really saying “hmm, apparently, not all chumps are the same – some actually will divorce their cheating, abusive, lying, betraying, crappy spouses. Damn. And I just bought a new tub of Betty Crocker frosting to spread on my Cake. What am I going to do with all this frosting?”

    • John got outplayed and I think its magnificent. If cheater lies during the marriage there is no reason Chump shouldn’t lie until the little ducks are aligned. “Yes, I forgive you. Now get a different job and let’s sell the house and move.” He never saw it coming because he thought he was eating cake while she was preparing to serve him a slice of divorce humble pie. Slice, hell, she served him the whole damn pie.

  • My ex could’ve written this. Except I really didn’t start reading CL until after my divorce was final. But I did join online support groups, MOSTLY pro-Wreckconcilliation. He tried to schmooze the MC into telling me to leave them, because ya know? – it hurt his wittle feelings to be discussed with strangers. (But sticking your dick is strangers was fine, eh Buddy?).
    MC rightly told him he should thank those groups for the fact that he still had a wife, house, etc. Lol.
    I did a LOT to try to make it work but deep inside I too, could not get over it. Anyone who comes to CL or anywhere else has their own free will & uses it.
    Odds are this dude’s wife, like me, saw past going thru the motions, to his real core.

    Hey Fucktards ; jumping thru all the hoops in the world doesn’t guarantee a thing. Kinda like your marriage vows, huh?

    • ” it hurt his wittle feelings to be discussed with strangers. (But sticking your dick is strangers was fine, eh Buddy?).” LOL !!
      My ex wouldn’t let me hire a cleaning person because he said he “didn’t want strangers in his house.” But he brought OW here!! and likely fucked her here!! Oh the hypocrisy is stunning.

      • Hey, John? Yeah, your wife was faking reconciliation. Just like all the other times she faked it. John, you’re a dead-fuck too.

      • Same here Muse – we couldn’t have a cleaner for that reason but bringing shmoopie into my bed while I was at work well that was no problem!

  • Oh, poor sausage! It’s not his fault that he “sits in an empty house, no wife, no kids…” it’s Chump Lady/Nation’s fault!! How convenient!!

  • My favourite part is where he says he can “change for the better forever.” Yeah, until the next va-gee-gee comes along. “Forever” is what John pledged when he got married. The only thing that’s forever in John’s life is an STD.

  • Hahahaha! I need to be medicated to be decent! CL drove my wife away, not my cheating. Now I have nothing and it’s all your fault. I can love my wife and totally betray her at the same time. Your lady advice doesn’t sit well with me. ME me me me me.

    How old are you dude? Like 14? When you’re an adult John, you can do things that are irreversible . Aw, it makes you feel bad? Suck it up! You got lost? Maybe you blacked out? You don’t like consequences? Listen! Reap what you sowed little buddy.

    I’m sure his wife would say he’s really good at lashing out.

    And it’s not all ladies here. There are men out here that don’t like you either.

  • I am still trying to figure out…multiple children??? Isn’t saying ‘ children’ implying u have more than one? Or does he have multiples? Like triplets? Quads? Or from different marriages?
    I am sure he is pissed that his wife got some balls and left his sorry ass. Of course he needs someone to blame.He thinks to him self …. His wife couldn’t possibly put that shit together herself!!! Nah…she weren’t educated… Until she started reading Chump Lady and watching The View… They’d put idears in her head! She was happy making my pork chops and apple sauce til she got dem fancy idears.

  • I say it time and time again. You can NOT unhappen it. And like we all agree it goes way beyond infidelity. If you loved your wife, you would not have hurt her in the most horrific way there is to hurt another.

    A MISTAKE. By accident my ex cheater’s one affair was one year. 365 times he made that mistake. But each day of the 365 days there were countless times he made a mistake inside that mistake. He mistakenly lied to me, he mistakenly fucked and snuck money from our household. He by accident brought her into my bed. Mistake is 1, 2, 3, 4, 25, 35 …. 100, 125, 130, 150…. 200…………ah.. 365!!!!!!!!!! Boy that was a big fucking fall into her pussy!!!!!! But he loved me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    If you wife found this site, it was her reaching out for support for a decision she has already made in her heart. When you do something this horrific the rose colored glasses come off and we see the shit stain you are.

    If you LOVE your wife, OMG, I would hate to see if you didn’t.

    Now, if you love her, you support her decision and leave her be. You make sure she is financially given what is due to her. ( you know in your heart what that is). All you can do is divide assets fairly and be supportive of her in that she is experiencing pain brought on by YOUR MISTAKE and has chosen to leave you. You love her, you let her heal and do right by her. Loving her is just that it is not getting her back to love you.

    Did you change? I am a good chump, will I change into a Narc Fuckass Cheater? NO. Yeah, you changed… You simply modified your behavior to be awarded love for you.

    You wanna change go ahead, but NOTHING you do or say will CHANGE what you did to your wife. You have one life in this world and you murdered a beautiful soul with it. I hope you do change for your own sake. So now really love your wife and leave her be. You made your bed, no you fucking sleep in it!

    • I wanted to share this with you…. maybe you can then see it from “her” point of view instead of your own.

      From: http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159339/10_reasons_not_to_take

      10 Reasons Not to Take Back a Cheating Husband

      1. The relationship will never be the same. While it’s true that some people say a relationship actually improves after cheating, we should face that usually it does not. That sense of freedom, of trust, of respect is gone for awhile and may never come back.

      2. You don’t have to worry about it happening again. Cheaters don’t always cheat again, but there’s a decent chance he might. Why? Whatever made him cheat is probably still in his psyche unless he is seriously working on all of his issues. Because he had a choice to cheat. You didn’t make him do it (no matter what he says). Some studies even say there’s a cheating gene. I don’t believe once a cheat, always a cheat, but I definitely believe once a cheat, good chance of being a cheat.

      3. You teach your children that cheating is not acceptable. If your children see you leave a cheater, they learn that this is something that destroys relationships and is unacceptable. Which doesn’t guarantee they won’t ever do it or put up with it, but they will realize it has severe consequences.

      4. You’ll save on therapy bills. Because, believe me, you are going to need them now that you’ve decided to stay with someone who strayed.

      5. You’ll feel safer. Not knowing if your man is going to cheat means never quite knowing when you might pick up a venereal disease.

      6. You get to keep your self-respect. If you want to stay with a cheater, you should get to do that and not be judged. But, let’s face it, your self-respect is going to take a huge hit for awhile. Especially if the affair is ongoing, or the cheating is chronic, how do you respect yourself staying with a man who can’t or won’t value you?

      7. Things can only get better. When you stay in a relationship with a cheater who makes little or no effort to change, things can only get worse. When you leave, things can only get better.

      8. You’re not taking the “easy” way out. It’s as difficult, if not more difficult, to leave a relationship, even a bad one, than it is to stay in one. You’re not the one giving up on the relationship, he gave up when he cheated.

      9. You need a partner, not a child. It’s not up to you to “save” him, “teach him” right from wrong, or “help” him get over his cheating habit. He’s an adult and should have done that for himself.

      10. You deserve better. Believe it or not, there are men and women who do not cheat and will not cheat, and you deserve one of them.

      11. You don’t need any reason at all

      • Having a memory lapse as to who posted that link the other day, but it was written, I believe, by one of our very own members of CN.

        • Actually I posted a link to a column I wrote in divorced moms. It was like this but not the same. 9 reasons staying with a cheater is worse than being alone. This column is good too. A lot of similar points are made.

  • Downright eerie, especially with the same name, this could have been my ex writing this. Except for the small detail about the move, this is absolutely my ex’s cover story.

    I was the horrible person who agreed to give him a second chance, and after he took a job four hours away, and I helped him settle into the apartment, I broke the news that I was going to divorce him and stayed put in the house. This seems awful and cold hearted of me, and it makes for a great sad-sausage story.

    However, that D-day, finding out about his affair, followed the first D-day, three months earlier, where I learned he was spending every penny he could at strip clubs. We were living desperately paycheck to paycheck. He borrowed from family. So with promises of counseling, and my hysterical bonding pick-me-dancing, three months passed until I learned of an ongoing affair. He convinced me to forgive everything in the past and only consider his actions going forward. I was terrified of surviving on my own, with no support system and total dependence on him. I dug into his past and uncovered a dozen years of infidelity with numerous women. He liked to refer to his actions as “a slip-up” but this was a calculated lifestyle that carried on for over a decade. It took a while to rebuild myself and my support network to leave, but eventually I did. I hated to break my promise to him, but I couldn’t live with myself living with him.

    So the sad-sack tells how awful I was to give up on him when he was trying so hard! He was entitled to a second chance! Ugh!

    • You made a promise based on incomplete information. If he wanted you to forgive and forget the past, his first obligation was to come clean about everything he had done. That’s the only path to rebuilding trust: no more secret life. He did have his second chance and he blew it.

      • Yes! An obligation to come clean about everything he had done. This was the point where I knew I was done. I had evidence of two affairs, suspected more (never mind the relapse of the most recent one after he told me it was over), and he begged forgiveness and swore he would change. Talked to our pastor, did all the “right” things. Then one night checking his phone I discovered his obsession/habit/addiction/whatever with porn. Something he’d managed to hide it our entire marriage. He should have confessed that. I might not have divorced him for that (although I can easily consider obsessive deceitful use of pornography to be infidelity and a deal-breaker), but the fact that he had not come clean about that when he swore there were no other women showed me he was still being deceitful and controlling the situation. Of course a few other details he neglected to mention about the affairs have trickled out since then and I fully expect to learn of more as time goes by…

        • ” I fully expect to learn of more as time goes by…”

          You may not learn more but you will realize more. You will have Ah ha moments that take you into another orbit. You will be going along as normal and BOOM this vision hits you, this memory that you now see was deceit right in front of your face.

          My ex cheaters Mother was very classy. She was smooth socially and very well mannered and kind. She was single a looooong time. When she was in her late 50’s she met a great guy (ha ha I think he is anyways). He adopted my ex as his own son and was really great with him. Anytime he was in the area he would call him and they would go grab a bite to eat.

          One early evening, ex cheater’s mom calls me and asks if Ex was out with her BF. I said yeah they went out to eat a bit ago. She seemed really mad. It is now about 9:30 and she calls again and asks he my Ex got home yet (this was before we all had cell phones) I said nope they are still out. Something was not right. I just chalked it up to maybe they were fighting.

          A few days later I come home from work and my Ex tells me his mom just ripped into him and asked him to stay away from her BF. I thought that was so weird, out of character. I thought to myself maybe she just doesn’t want them becoming close in the event she does not commit to him and left it at that.

          A few months ago that entire event popped into my head and I now think I understand the depth of it. I think that at some point ex and her bf went out and there was some questionable or even blatant behavior on my ex’s part conducted right in front of her bf to which he told ex’s mother about. His own mother did not want her bf anywhere near my ex. From that day on they never got along right always this wedge between them. She has since died, but I wonder what the heck it was… no I don’t wonder. I know.

      • Incomplete information is right! I only got minimal confirmation of what I found out. Only dribs and drabs of minimalized truth sprinkled about. He did not come clean with his past unless I confronted him. He even protected the identities of several OW by allowing me to believe certain evidence belonged to other OW. A couple times I asked about something pretending I didn’t already have proof, and it was bone-chilling how he looked me in the eyes and lied with total sincerity. It was creepy, and I had to do that twice because I couldn’t believe it the first time. Even had to recheck the evidence to see if it was real. Of course that taught me to not bother asking any more questions. He’s an expert liar. When I quit asking questions, he must have thought I was coming around, and began his plan to relocate us to a different city.
        I took my investigations underground like a spy. I sneaked and found evidence, and had to find creative ways to hide it. I had to be really careful about computers…got tripped up a few times and had to soothe his suspicions. I hated living like that. I had to not only watch what I said, I had to keep my facial muscles from betraying me. He watched me like a hawk, and interrogated me if he didn’t like the expression on my face.

        Reconciliation was basically him foisting himself on me and me not struggling away. He spent that time glommed on me, insisting we hold hands, holding, hugging, and so on. Now that I think back on it, it was a living hell.

        There was no MC. At the beginning he promised as soon as there was time and money. Later, I learned enough about him that I didn’t want to bother fixing it anymore, and when I let it drop, it wasn’t mentioned again until the separation.

        I helped him move in an apartment and then dropped the news on him. He was shocked that I would do that because he was so controlling, he couldn’t believe I would have an independent thought or the gumption to do it. I waited so long because I needed time to get my ducks in a row. I was isolated, impoverished, and gaslighted to believe something was wrong with my eyes, ears, and brain, so not very employable. I didn’t realize at the time but it was truly an abusive relationship, and he nearly destroyed me. It was a leap of faith that got me out.

        • Boy I hear you on the whole keeping things on the DL until you are ready. I of course kept my computer locked down, but I was collecting documents as well. Sometimes I would need one of those documents for a meeting so I would have to hide them in the car overnight. I removed the extra set of keys, but I had to also hide my own keys (in the tissue box on my nightstand was my favorite place). I had to be so careful not to break from my routine. If I normally went to the gym, but instead I was meeting with the lawyer or whatever, I would change into gym clothes and wear those to the meeting. If I went off to take care of something, I would say “I’m going to happy hour” and I would intentionally stop at some bar, buy a glass of wine, and make sure I swiped the credit card so there was a paper trail. At the same time, I wanted to make sure not to tell lies I had to keep track of, so I found myself trying to talk, but not say very much. This went on for about 6 to 8 weeks and it was exhausting. I said “I don’t know how people who live a double life do it for years on end. I was exhausted just trying to keep track of my 1 to 2 meetings per week and some extra paperwork for 8 weeks.”

  • John, really, really? Your letter could have been written by satan! I got the same crap from him and his flying monkeys, ‘…only made one mistake! And you punish him so grievously!’

    …yeah, ONE mistake spanning 36 years and multiple ho’s!

    Ugh! These disordered assholes are all alike!!!

    • Yeah, the “one mistake” is “cheating with multiple partners, over and over, lying about it, gaslighting your wife in order to pull off the deception, using family resources to maintain affairs…for 36 years…” Yep. One mistake.

      • LovedaJackass, they are all the same! They do not deserve second chances…and I know they all get more than one from us…for me it was many chances…he never changed. I feel like I grew up and he never did.

        LovedaJackass and CL and CN…just got some really sad news bout one of satan’s flying monkey’s wife (read stuck Chump). The last time I saw this woman she was waving (down low so he wouldn’t see) at me out of the passenger side of her cheating asshole’s truck…so sad…I remember thinking she looked so sad…and then I thought, ‘…that is what one looks like when they stay with a cheater!’ …fast forward to yesterday…my youngest told me she is dying…she has cancer all over her…and it started in her female organs and spread. I was sobbing before he finished telling me. Poor woman…what a life. He tortured her even when she wasn’t present. Awful. Her name is Brenda and she is a beautiful, loving human being with a heart of gold. He didn’t deserve her. When she is gone from this earth he will have to face himself and his actions with every breath…until he dies. There will be a reckoning.

        …ugh…I don’t know how they walk around…

        • Jeep – I truly believe (unless you’re married to a Cluster B) that the stress of such a distressful act of adultery, who affects so many more than anybody knows, WILL cause illness – Cancer is right up there. Especially the ones who are brought up right and know better. (if there’s such a thing) I know my X was so stressed out by carrying on 2 separate lives, that he got old really fast. His joints started going; bad knees – so he was limping like Chester. Bad elbow from professional arm-wrestling, and permanent joint/muscle damage from professional body-building. Etc. He was a miserable SOB and looked it.
          Then, the day the divorce was final, he got news he needed his prostate completely removed due to cancer.

          Just hope mine never comes back but I warn everybody, get out before the stress kills you.

          • I know that is true Shechump. That poor woman endured complete and utter hell at the hands of her cheating, flying monkey mate…he was all over the place with other women! Everyone saw him with them. Brenda knew it was going on but when she would ask him he would belittle her and leave…so she learned to stuff the agony down deep and be quiet. I am certain that and his cheating lead to her cancer. No one can live under that stress…not to mention the STDs he most probably brought home to her. The women he ran around with were…well… God Bless Brenda.

            …now that you mention it…satan started complaining, probably ten years ago (yeah) bout aching joints and muscles…and, yes, he aged quite rapidly once I filed for divorce… My boys have told me he has been seeing doctors for various illnesses…I just assumed it was because he no longer eats the healthy meals I used to cook for him. I grew and canned / froze all the vegetables and herbs we consumed each year… satan told me once he couldn’t replace me if he tried…guess his ho’s don’t do the things I used to do for him…huh…who’d a thunk it?!

    • Hi Jeep you are so correct. To prove it look at the bottom of this thread. Johns wife chimed in. Her name is “STBX Wife of Idiot that wrote letter.” I feel bad for her but she is one migthy woman!! Johns actions are unbelieveable!!

      • SureChumpedAlot I just love her screen name!!! 😀

        Ugh, it is sooo hard to believe how alike these disordered inhumans are! And that there seems to just be droves of them! They’re everywhere, they’re everywhere!!!

        Que the Fire Ants! And Narc eating zombies!!! Yeah!!!!

    • Jeep,

      There’s a “plus one” rule in law enforcement. For example, if you find a knife on a suspect, look for another. There should be a plus one rule for chumps too. Look for another.

      • Good rule to follow Anne 🙂 Wow! Are you a police woman? Thank you for your service! I was saved one dark night by 2 police officers and I will be eternally grateful! 😀 they rolled up and took satan away before he could hurt me worse. I felt so Blessed by their presence. Thank you Anne and your fellows!

        • Yes I am. Prior I was in the Military Police. I’m so glad the police were able to save you from satan. I specialize in domestic violence and trust me that they remember you too. Home was my safe haven from whatever happened during my day. It was when I realized that my safe haven was an illusion that my sense of safety went too. I think that the reason I tried after the first d-day was that after all the assholes I’ve dealt with over the many years I said to myself, “At least he’s not a…” fill in the blank. After 11 months of letting him back in the house, that wasn’t good enough. Fuck him, I deserve better.

          • Bless you Anne! For ALL your service for your fellow man! I am honored to know you (as it is 🙂 ) ! Thank you!

            I am sure your fellows came quickly due to what the dispatcher heard when I called 911…such cruel threats and awful language to spit at your wife of 30 years…

            Thing is Anne, if he would have stayed away after he left – he was gone when they got there – they probably wouldn’t have arrested him…he showed back up ON FOOT about 20 minutes later…apparently they were waiting for him. Two cruisers pulled up – one in front of him and one behind him – and arrested him. I have no idea what he had in mind…but he obviously didn’t want me to know he was comin…I would have heard that diesel…he walked back…very quiet. Scary. Thank God those policemen were there. Thank God they decided to wait for him…I guess they knew what he would do?

            Yes…I had no safe haven after satan decided beating on me was the best thing ‘for me’. It is only now, one year in my new home, that I no longer start to shake and come unglued after 5 PM (he would be home between 6 – 6:30 PM). Took me this long to shake the anxiety.

            No one deserves to be treated like that. …I can’t understand, despite all I have read and learned here about these disordered monsters, why they don’t just go on and leave and stay away. satan still routinely drives around my new home…it used to unnerve me…now it just makes me shake my head. I have alerted the local police and I see them cruise by at least twice a day…sometimes more. They always wave 🙂 And yes, I think they do remember me…even though it is a different department here. I am grateful. I think the experience of being arrested put a brake on his impulsive, out of control behaviors…but…he is an alcoholic…chronic alcoholic…and violent…so… I am grateful for their obvious presence and concern. I am Blessed 🙂

            • Please keep up your vigilance and keep safe. Stalking laws have improved tremendously over the past decade. You can talk to your police department’s victims assistance. Minimally keep a calendar and write down every time you see him drive by. That, plus past behavior may be probable cause (depending on your state law) to support a charge of stalking, which is a persistent pattern of behavior with no legitimate purpose meant to cause fear, intimidation or harm. We are all blessed to have found such a supportive group in CL & CN.

              • My IT guy put a motion activated camera in my front window that scans my front yard and driveway. I feel safer with it there. It is obvious, even from the road that it is a camera…a red light comes on when it is activated…so… satan has pulled across the drive but not up into it. His stint in jail – overnight only – seems to have taught him a good lesson…this chump doesn’t play anymore. I will call and he knows it. 🙂 And the camera will prove his presence if need be.

                …why don’t they just go away? I just don’t get it.

            • C’mon, Jeep. Drop a dime on his ass.

              That’s really scary behavior just as it is now. Don’t wait for it to get worse. I’d guess he’s just waiting to see a strange car in your driveway. He’s checking-up on you to make sure you’re alone. Please don’t wait to put an immediate stop to this.

              • I never thought of that Ian…course, since I’m not dating there is no danger of that happening. And I did apprise the local police department of my situation. I just hate stirrin that turd. Plus, he is a traveling salesman (cliche much?), so I am sure he would have ‘reasons’ for being in my neck of the woods. I just don’t get why he doesn’t just move on and cease the crap.

  • On the really off-chance that “John” will actually read these responses, I’ll try to give him the low-down here.

    John, I think that it is admirable that you have gone to counseling and you are working on your issues. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and take it at face value that you truly want to make amends for your affair and reconcile with your wife.

    We can hope and wish and pray, but we cannot control other people. Much like your wife could not control whether you pursued a relationship with someone else while you were very much married, you cannot control whether or not your wife “gets over it.” Your wife has agency, much as you did when you betrayed her. If she believes she can’t get over it and decides marriage to you is not the best thing for her, that is her exercising her agency, and it is out of your control. This is as it should be – it is not a healthy relationship when one partner is trying to exert control over the other, anyway. Would we all like to be in relationships wherein we have a high enough status in our partner’s esteem that they will allow themselves to be influenced by our needs, wishes, and desires? Certainly! I am very sure your wife would have liked to have been regarded well enough by you that you would never have pursued someone else. I’m sure she would have liked to have enough influence on you that you would have remained faithful. I’m sure she would have preferred your marriage vows had stayed unbroken. I’m sure she would have preferred that you esteemed her enough to not lie to her. You get the idea…she couldn’t control you when it would have been in her best interests to do so. Neither can you control her decisions about how she is going to handle all that.

    Every decision we make (large or small, good or bad) results in something. There is never a guarantee those results will be exactly as we predicted or hoped for. Big decisions = big results. Bad decisions tend to equal bad results. You made very big and very bad decisions over some period of time. Your wife deciding to end your relationship because of that is just the chickens coming home to roost. Action ends in consequence, and consequences are inescapable. Also, FYI, when someone attempts to escape logical consequences for their actions, it is generally seen by well-adjusted people as a red flag that they are operating from a sense of entitlement and superiority instead of a sense of empathy and accountability.

    Someone here on this site wrote something ages ago (I wish I could remember who!) which really rung true for me. I’m going to share it with you here:

    “My ex-husband still hasn’t come to terms with the fact that he is now an adulterer, and will always be an adulterer because he committed adultery. He doesn’t get a do-over. In the future, if he reforms, he may be a repentant adulterer, but he cannot ever rid himself of the fact that he committed adultery, and I won’t be able to see him as someone who’s honest in his relationships. To me, he’s a cheater. At one time, he wasn’t, but he is now.”

    John, you did something HUGE. Your decisions to betray your wife on such an intimate and personal level were MONUMENTAL. Your wife may never be able to see you as anything but a cheater. Her feeling of safety in her relationship with you may not be (PROBABLY won’t be, in fact) recoverable. You decided to throw away your marriage when you decided it wasn’t worth respecting. As much as you may wish it to be different, part of your job as a remorseful person is to accept whatever she needs to do to heal and find security again – even if (especially if) it is without you.

    Take your counseling and your internal work and your remorse for your decisions into your new life and abide by them. If you are truly invested in the ideas of maturity and accountability, let your wife go with grace, ensure she and your children get a generous settlement, and then take yourself forward. But please stop trying to lay the blame on anyone or anything other than where it belongs – on you, the guy who started this ball rolling in the first place.

    • Thank you for this, Little Mighty Me. This is the truth that is lost when the cheater-ex spins his story of woe.

    • This really was a brilliant post LMM, wise and insightful.
      But it sort of reminds me of me, lecturing my dogs for the umpteenth time about all the good reasons why they shouldn’t beg for table scraps. They look so remorseful while I’m talking, then they wag and wiggle when they can tell I’m done and they are off the hook. Then they come right back to the table next meal, begging. Because they’re dogs.

  • Well, John . . . it sounds to me like your wife played you. I don’t think things were going all that well. I think she was plotting her escape and just needed time to line up her ducks. And that’s awesome because you John, are a little bitch.

    If you loved your wife and “multiple” kids so much, you wouldn’t have fucked another person. Period. Your wife doesn’t owe you reconciliation. You fuck other people, you get consequences. That’s how it fucking works.

    Hear that bell? Every time a chump leaves a cheater, and angel gets their wings! Hooray!

  • My ex has claimed again and again that he’s changed now. He wanted his whole family back, and when I wouldn’t bite, he wanted his relationship with his kids back.

    But there are two problems here;
    a) sometimes it’s too late. The ex was a negative, mean, unpleasant person way too much of the time. He cheated once, promised SO SINCERELY not to ever do it again … then, years later, did it again AND again felt entirely justified and entitled to cheat. He scared the shit out of the kids and I on multiple occasions, Not once, in 14 years of this, did he sincerely try to change. The changes that did occur were because I set limits, and he resented that immensely. He never tried to be a better husband or father FOR US.

    So now, even if he truly is a better person, makes way more of an effort in his relationships, would never ever cheat or threaten anyone again, it’s too late. And it’s super clear he made these changes ONLY when HE felt consequences that HE didn’t like.

    We do hope he really is a better person now, for his own sake, and that of future partners.

    BUT
    b) he’s still himself, and it keeps showing. Maybe he’ll never cheat again, but it’s still all me, me, me, everything is someone else’s fault (if the kids won’t reconcile with him, it’s because I’ve been alienating them!), he still shows his true character in all sorts of little interactions.

    Yup, too little, too late. But it’s still the fault of us Bitter Bunnies!

    • Mine thinks it is my fault that DD15 won’t talk to him, but refuses to apologize for cheating & betraying her, because that was my fault too. My depth of suckitude is legendary in his eyes. I think I might have caused global warming, too.

  • i am so sick of “the mistake”. like was said earlier this was a plan that was executed over and over and would still be going on now if they hadn’t been caught. two things my XH said that really stuck with me.
    1. i was trying to fix it so you didn’t find out. seriously! how about being sorry you did it, apparently ending it was never an option, apparently keeping me in the dark was the only option.
    2. you took away every dream i ever had. OMG! how self centered can you be. sorry i wrecked your dream of having me support you while you screwed around. guess i’m just a bitch like that. never once mentioned what he had taken away from me and our kids.

    • yes, it’s stunning when they actually blurt out the shit in their heads… drop the pretense and show you the kind of worm you are dealing with… my ex said, “I ran the sharing idea by her but she wouldn’t go for it!” when I begged him not to leave me… he also said, when I asked how long were you going to keep doing this “second relationship thing?” – he said: “I was waiting until it was a sure thing with her.” coward. weasel.

  • Wait…. Wait…. So this letter is blaming Chump Lady? It’s literally “It’s not my cheating that’s the problem, but Chump Lady’s reaction to it.”????? Hahahahaaa. Wow, just wow.

    • Yeah, ’cause everyone knows chumps can’t think for themselves! We’re just swayed by CL and CN, but if his wife had happened to fall upon a Reconciliation site, John would be sitting pretty!

      So John is SO CHANGED, but still thinks his wife is a moron ….. Yeah, that’s attractive!

  • Actions have consequences.

    Even if this loser is changing (doubtful), that doesn’t entitle him to the marriage he already destroyed.

    What’s that line from The Natural? “Some mistakes, we never stop paying for?”

    Well, that’s cheating (which isn’t actually a “mistake,” BTW.).

    • Funny you should quote from The Natural. Recently on Fresh Air, Terry Gross interviewed Bernard Malamud’s mistress. She was a 19-year-old student and he was her 50-year-old professor when their affair started. Evidently they remained close friends after the affair ended. The interview was an interesting (if gag-inducing) look into the mind of an OW. Even at 74 and as a trained psychoanalyst, she was still self-indulgent, entitled, and believes she had no reason to feel guilty because he remained married to his wife. If you’re a podcast addict like me, it’s worth a listen.

  • Multiple children were had. Gotta love passive voice and vague indifferent references to the most beautiful beings in your life. I think John’s wife correctly determined that he has the warmth and empathy of an empty sardine can.

  • What gets to me about his letter is that he thinks because he’s “cured” he’s owed forgiveness. Is there some law that says you have to take a cheater back if they repented and did all the right things to right a wrong. Every chump has the right to say, I see you did work on yourself but the cheating still happened and I will not have this. Every chump deserves the right to forge a new untainted relationship and leave the damaged one behind. Sorry you cheated dude, but you should’ve been thinking about your wife and multiple children instead of your penis. It’s called consequences.

    • This is my ex’s complaint exactly, Owly. My ex felt entitled to SO much, including being a mean jerk to the kids and I. Then he felt entitled to fuck around, break up the kids’ family, lie to them, and neglect them badly. But NOW HE’S CHANGED, and he apologized! Multiple times! So now he’s entitled to the kids’ reconciling with him. And if they’re not, that is clearly my fault.

      I can just hear him thinking ‘I will prove to the kids that I’m no longer an entitled jerk, by …. still acting like I’m entitled. And I’ll prove to them that I take responsibility for my actions, by blaming their mom for the results of my actions’. Sometimes he can keep it together for a while, but the entitlement just ooooooozzzzzeesss out of him.

  • “Listen!”

    I can almost hear the foot stampting.

    “Some guys are and will always be assholes! They say they’ll change and everyone knows they give 2 weeks of effort and then it’s back to their old self.”

    Dear John (hey here comes a Dear John letter. Also, Johns are what prostitutes call their clients. Coinkydink?)…

    Dear John,

    I am going to save you $$$ going to therapists trying to figure out what is wrong with you and why you did what you did.

    You did what you did because you are a self-entitled asshole, and you are a manipulative asshole as well.

    Even now you appear to be trying to manipulate others rather than just owning the shit you have done and are continuing to do.

    I get it. Consequences suck, and you cope with those by trying to avoid them by manipulating others.

    See there? I just saved you 10s of thousands of dollars in therapy.

  • Dear John,
    “Multiple children”?? Did it just take too much of your valuable time to do a head count and come up with an actual number? If you’re in that big of a rush you could just say “children” since that implies more than one child. And John honey, math is clearly not your strong suit. You did not make “one mistake”. Every single action on your part in stepping outside your marriage counts as a separate act or “mistake” if you will. Every email, phone call, text, meeting, physical touch, time spent planning the “mistake”, thinking about the OW, etc., adds into your count of “mistakes”. Add all of those things up and you will have the real number of mistakes you made. When you spend more time recounting the terrible damage you did to the woman and children who trusted you and your sincere regret for harming them and less time recounting what a great guy you are, then maybe we’ll believe you are a changed man. Until then we’ll just keep high fiving the woman who was smart enough to leave a cheater and gain a life.

    • ‘When you spend more time recounting the terrible damage you did to the woman and children who trusted you and your sincere regret for harming them and less time recounting what a great guy you are, then maybe we’ll believe you are a changed man.’

      THIS!!

  • Timeheals,
    “Dear John (hey here comes a Dear John letter. Also, Johns are what prostitutes call their clients. Coinkydink?)…”
    HILARIOUS!!! Thanks!

  • The one good book on reconciling I found was the How to Help Your [betrayed] Spouse specifically because it talked about how the cheater made horrible choices and needed to be a humble rebuilder if R was gonna happen at all. I got a detain and torture cheater, almost a whole year of TT hiding that he had fucked around online the WHOLE MARRIAGE.

    What stands out to me in this letter is the entitlement. Hey, I did The Things and now I’m OWED. What?! That’s not humble, that’s not seeking to empathize – the very emotion that is dead in someone who cheats. This one is completely unable to understand the question — why didn’t he make those changed BEFORE fucking the intern? Why does he feel like his betrayed wife should be grateful that he stopped betrayed her?!

    These posts are like workbooks for us betrayed chumps, to help internalize catching cheaterspeak. As soon as he said that we all know it would be clear in a couple months my BS detector went ding! ding! ding!

    He thinks HE gets to tell his betrayed wife how to feel, because he’s uncomfortable with continuing to support her recovery from HIS cheating.

  • Last year I had a guy get mad at me on a dating site when I turned him down. I promptly blocked him. He then created another profile to tell me how “sorry” he was and continued to pester me. Annoying stuff like, “I hope you’re having a good day, even though you want nothing to do with me =-)”

    I explained that part of saying “I’m sorry” is accepting the consequences of one’s actions, and the consequences of his actions were that I did not want to speak with him anymore. I blocked him again. He proceeded to stalk me across multiple dating sites, rolling profile after profile to message me as I blocked him again and again, until finally, I had to have a police officer call him and put the fear of God back in him. His continued stalking and harassment prior to that pretty well proved that he wasn’t sorry, he was just saying he was to manipulate me.

    To any cheaters out there who are really and truly sorry: part of saying you’re sorry is accepting the consequences of your actions. One of the consequences of your actions is that your spouse might want to leave you. It’s MARRIAGE. A key part of the covenant of marriage is “forsaking all others.” You and you alone broke the covenant (with the help of your new groin buddy/buddies) and now the covenant is potentially null and void. You need to accept divorce as a very real possibility and allow for that if that’s what your partner wants. If you can’t accept that, then you aren’t really sorry, you’re just saying you are to manipulate your (soon-to-be-former) spouse.

    It probably pisses you off that we see through you now. Sucks to be you. Bye Felicia.

    • Rarity, I assume you’ve seen “Bye Felipe” on Instagram. It’s full of entitled fuckboys and their violent foot-stomping after getting shot-down on Tinder, etc. So funny.

      • I have made several submissions to #ByeFelipe.

        It amazes me that women are stereotyped for being overly emotional. You wanna see a man get emotional? Tell him “no.”

      • Was your husband named Michael Jackson? Because, for real, that was his name. LOL

        He was divorced, so who knows.

        After he began stalking me, I ran a search of court records for him. Saw a very recent paternity case against someone with his name (new baby, not his ex-wife). However, there are probably a zillion “Michael Jackson”s in the Chicagoland area, so who knows whether that was him.

  • This is just a minor detail, but as a writer I was struck by his use of the word “capital.” What a weirdly stuffy way of saying “money.” Is he a copper baron on an episode of “Poldark”? Capital, my good gents, capital!

      • Exactly CL Read the Title of this Blog!!! There are plenty of other sites to encourage reconciliation ! There is a Reason why his wife is On this site! It’s about HER NOT YOU!!! Get It?? This site does Damage to WHO? The Cheaters oh well sorry!! It Empowers those that need it! And By the way Stop thinking so little of us chumps that we don’t have our own mind and can be swayed so easily by this blog! That is a complete insult!!! I will recognize the fact that you did take the time to acknowledge your situation on this or any other site. Yes, you are right there are many who are Truly Sorry for their destruction, BUT it is up to the betrayed to DECIDE, sorry you Lost your right to Vote as soon as You DECIDED to BREAK your VOWS!!!!! YOU didn’t make a MISTAKE YOU made a CHOICE!!! BIG difference!!!!

    • No, it’s not just you. That jumped out at me too. Why not “money,” or “funds?” Oh, because he’s a moron. His nickname should be Capital Mistake.

  • Aww. Poor little bunny cause,,,,, consequences.

    My cheater loser has been bitching about how my friends must have been influencing me too much cause……consequences.
    He’s complaining because he is the pariah of the house cause…….consequences.

    We’re all so mean when we don’t all pretend that everything is the same cause…..consequences.

    Dick.

  • There may be a few unicorns. What they don’t seem to understand is, they have destroyed this relationship. They are not entitled to another chance. I hope he is better but he needs to be better for the next person. Too much damage done. Go let her be in peace if you truly love her. That’s the best thing a true unicorn could do!

  • Dear John – you stated you’d done all you could do to right the wrong. Guess it wasn’t enough for your wife, Sparky. I’m sure you thought you were an excellent husband and father prior to the cheating (a legend in your own mind because you put the toilet seat down when you remembered) but I’d bet she had a very different view of you. After your “mistake” (hope you didn’t use that word to often. Fucking someone whom you are not married to is not a mistake, Dillhole.), she probably took a good long look at you and said to herself, “Fuck. This. Shit”.

    What wonderful husbands and fathers like you don’t get is you don’t get to take a time-out from your marriages. You don’t get to go live a secret life banging interns and hookers and howorkers, lying to your spouse and children and basically taking a giant leak on the family you created. You might want to get a dictionary and a copy of your vows and and go over all the promises you made the day your wife was wearing the big white dress.

    Do you actually think her love for you goes so deep that you can rip her life apart, ruin your children’s childhoods, and have her mind constantly invaded by every lie you told her while you were banging your side piece? Do you expect her to forget how awfully you treated her while you behaved like some junior high Lothario? Instead of looking at your own actions, it’s so much easier to blame Chump Lady and Chump Nation. If I had anything to do with her dumping your entitled ass, well then I’m proud.

    Dude, your wife is a human being and what Dipshits like you don’t get is there is only so much one person can take. And when you show her what a low-rent lying scumbag you can be – she will finally believe it. You haven’t changed. If you had you’d realize that no one in this world will take that big of a pile of shit on a platter in front of them and just chow down. If you have changed you wouldn’t be whining like a petulant two-year-old because you didn’t get what you wanted. That things (for once) didn’t go your way. I hope you sit in that empty house and rot. If you have really changed, you’d know it’s exactly what you deserve.

    P.S. – most women (and men) who “forgive” their cheating spouse only do so for the kids, financial reasons, or fear of the unknown. Rarely does it have anything to do with how much they love their cheater. Cheating is like taking a sledge hammer to the image your spouse had of you. In the simplest terms – she’s now positive you are a worthless dick.

    • Yes, exactly. What the ex never seemed to understand was that the cheating was the last straw, not the first. I’d already lowered my standards for what I expected from him quite considerably out of a desire to be accommodating and keep the family together. The cheating on top of that blew away whatever was left.

    • I actually forgave the first affair because I loved my partner very much, and still believed we could have a happy, healthy life together. By affair #2 I’d realized that happy healthy life wasn’t going to be happening, even if he never cheated again. Absolutely the last straw, not the first or even the second.

    • I’m going to spend the rest of the day imagining uneffingbelievable giving this delightful little talk to MoFaux, whilst LMAO! Thank you.

  • After reading John’s letter it is not difficult to understand why his wife left him. He claims he loves her but never even hints at any understanding of the position he has put her in. No mention of how his actions will affect his ‘multiple children’ for many years to come. He makes such definitive statements – ‘everything was going very well’ – ‘I made all the changes’ – sounds as though he did what would make him look good but forgot to actually take his wife’s FEELINGS into account. Unfortunately John has learned the hard way – you have to do a lot better than just being home more. When you completely shatter someone’s life Into tiny little pieces it is almost impossible to put those pieces back together. Your wife, John, is doing what she must to protect what’s left of her family. You took on that shared responsibility when you married and had children, but didn’t live up to your responsibilities.

  • “so now I don’t have enough capital to even afford my own place.”
    That’s the bottom line, and what it comes down to for many cheaters. He’s angry that he’s going to have to pay support money.

    • So you’re saying he should have considered the risks involved before he dropped his pants, that he might actually lose something and perhaps he should rethink the whole situation and put himself in position to not disrespect his wife and children, so he can keep his home intact? Interesting concept…

      • According to my ex, that would have required ‘so much strength’, WAY unreasonable to expect that from him, or anybody, really ….

        • “According to my ex, that would have required ‘so much strength’, WAY unreasonable to expect that from him, or anybody, really ….”

          extremely unreasonable expectation, oh wait, weren’t you doing that all along, living with a freak !

  • They may have changed. They can show it to another person. Being hit by the truck once makes me not want to wait and see. Not standing in the road when I had been on the lawn last time.

  • Plain and simple, this guy sucks. It’s all Chump Lady’s fault that his wife has left him because she (CL) doesn’t focus on responding and helping people?!? Has he even read anything on this blog? These cheaters are completely incapable of taking any responsibility for the ensuing consequences that they must face as a result of their actions. I’m sure at one point in his life the dog also ate his homework.

    • Oh sephage that is HILARIOUS!

      My friend Barbie said of her cheater, ‘I’m tellin ya! If I leave here, he will come in and set at the table and look for the food that always ‘magically’ appears in front of him when he sits down…after a bit he will think…now when I set down here the food just is here…so what am I doing wrong?’

      Laughed my ass off when she said that! I can just see satan entering his lair after work and lookin around for the ‘magically’ appearing healthy meals that used to just drop in front of him as soon as he arrived home…every night for 36 years…even though I also had a full time job outside of the home…that home that was ‘magically’ spotless, with clean laundry ‘effortlessly’ at his finger tips and aaaaaahhhhh, sun dried sheets and bedding on his sweet smelling comfortable bed…HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!

      …reckon he’s figured it out yet???? Yep, nope! Reports are his lair strongly resembles a dorm room and smells like a bar 🙂 …bet he face-palms himself bout just like every evening after work 😀 CONSEQUENCES ASSHOLE!

  • “Meanwhile I sit in an empty house, no wife, no kids,”

    Notice the phrasing throughout his letter and especially that sentence… “no wife”, “no kids”… It’s subtle, but John does not mention a single time he misses ABOUT his wife as a person and his kids as people… He just mentions them both as accessories and how they should fit into his life…

    This is how cheaters can do what they do, they consider other human beings in their lives as appliances… To me, John’s wife and kids appear to be ideas or boxes he felt he checked off of his “appearing human” to-do list.

    And now John is discovering that his appliance wife has the power to say no, and to walk away…?? WHAT?? She is doing things that will force John to uncheck boxes??? How dare she? How unfair is the world?? How dare CL allow for his wife to take a different place in John’s life than he had decided she had to have?

    John’s chump – keep forging on, you are mighty!

  • I wonder how this poor guys wife ended up on this site.. probably clicked a hyperlink or something. I blame hyperlinks for why she’s leaving him. Damn hyperlinks always breaking up marriages.

  • “Meanwhile I sit in an empty house”. Start there, John. Where was your wife sitting while you were out fucking? I remember being alone with my baby while my husband was “at work” “on a business trip” “at a work party” – all code for sex on the side- for AN ENTIRE YEAR. It only happened with one woman. Makes no difference. And It’s even more lonely after we find out. We were truly alone, not just lonely. Your wife is alone now by choice. You don’t control her any more. It’s not your decision .
    Your wife is free. You love her? the kids? Let her go. Be a decent father. You changed? Great. Prove it by supporting your kids properly, and if you want another relationship find a new woman and be honest. Start by telling your wanna – be new woman about your accidental tumble into some other woman’s (women’s?) private parts. Tell her you were an asshole and want to change. Your wife is finished with you. Accept this and remember what happens when you are telling someone “it’s you & me” while it’s really ” it’s you when I want you and someone else when I don’t”. That’s not love, John. That’s lying.Complaining to Chump Nation won’t help you, either.
    Better yet, DON’T try another monogamous relationship. You suck at it.

      • And I laughed so hard when you wrote “your accidental tumble into some other woman’s private parts”. Hilarious!

    • I got to sit at home “babysitting” a preschooler while whoremonger was out romancising a whore. Who wouldn’t want to go back to that ?????

      • Anita, I had the pleasure of sitting at home “babysitting” HIS mother while he was out banging his whores! Nothing says “I love you” as much as that, does it????? That’s right, who wouldn’t want to go back to that?

        • I was tricked into baby sitting his son with the homewrecker who was also his second wife while he claimed to away visiting his third son from his first wife. Hadn’t seen him in 18 months but only stayed a day, then went to the homewrecker. Told me he wanted me to have time alone with their son. And I still tried wreckoncilation, counseling, pick me dance, keeping a nice home, working and looking after their son. Homewrecker was the mistress who wrecked his first marriage. I still got discarded, accused of trying to poison him!! He doesn’t have any friends because I don’t keep a nice garden. I hurt his feelings by calling him a traitor. Must be CL’s fault too.

  • Love the UBT for today! That’s why I am trying not to be specific with my story. These psychos follow us everywhere!!! Did she told him or did he find out❓❗️❓Happy Friday❗️❗️❗️

    • Exactly why I do provide details–X is petrified of the consequences if someone recognizes his story here. hee hee

      • I cannot wait for the divorce to be final. I’ll be posting photos, emails, and my divorce decree too.

        • Haha! I’d love to post a picture of CheaterX and his Schmoopie (my lawyer says she’s now going to refer to all APs as “schmoopie,” by the way), but I don’t want CL to get sued. 🙂

      • Well Ian, that is an upside of a finalized divorce I never thought about before… I can totally live with google thinking of me as a kinky divorcee :)!!

  • “John” is a classic text book case of serious mental health disorder(s). Geez, his poor wife hopefully ex wife! His idea of “mistake” and “love” is something he seriously needs to address within himself. The real funny thing is that he will never get it because he isn’t capable to get what he did was a choice and not a mistake it was a choice. Sadly we all have heard these cheater/mental health disorder excuses blah blah. Cry me another excuse “John”!!!!!! Now he is blaming this site for the truth. Please go back to your planet “John”. “John” and these other cheaters will always have their own logic and reasoning no matter what.

    A mistake is not putting your private parts within another human being that you are not married to. Also love is not hurting someone like he did also. What he did and still doing is plain and simple mental, emotionally, and health abuse.

    It’s a choice what he did and still doing. This site didn’t make anything worse for him. He did that all by himself. No one forced him to take off his pants and underwear and place his penis in another woman or whatever he did.

    His wife wised up and saw the true him. He is just another lost cause for a human being. John still thinking like a typical disordered 2 year mindset. It is everyone against him and it is our fault for his choices.

    John you have free will and you are an adult. You are the one that killed your marriage. It was a choice that you did. No one forced you to what you did. Stop blaming the truth which is this blog by the lovely and talented Chump Lady. You brought the risk of many issues in your life and you did that all by yourself. What you did and still doing is a decision and decisions have consequences. Your dear sweet wife has the to have a peaceful and joyful life without having the risk of you placing her life in danger. Sadly you John will never get it because you don’t have any common sense, no character, no morals, lack of what is really right and wrong, no idea of what love is, no self respect, just an empty soul that will have a empty life at the end of the day. You and all of the cheaters and their OW and their followers are the problem.

    Hugs to his wife and his kids. This guy is not well at all. I hope the wife gets a great attorney and nails his stupid ass to the wall. “John” let her have a better life cheater free and also the kids. The deserve that!!!!!

  • John, when you were unhappy in your marriage you cheated on your wife. After she discovered it, she agreed to pursue counseling to see if the marriage could be saved. She discovered that she was no longer happy in the marriage and did not want to remain in it. So, she told you and ended it. Notice, she did not go have an affair.

    What you should be learning here is how responsible people act, that not all “mistakes” can be fixed, and that you are not as desirable to women of character as you thought.

    Rather than whining about the fact that the women (and men) who read CL believe that it is fine for the victims of infidelity to move on to better lives, you should return to counseling to work on how you can be as good a father as possible to your multiple children. If you want to show how your character has changed, this is the place to do it–by sticking with the commitment you made to them when you fathered them even if the marriage that produced them was destroyed by your actions.

    Show your EX wife some belated respect by accepting her decision and doing all you can to be a good dad. (Hint, hint–whining about the fact that your actions led to financial losses is not a good way to begin this new stage of your parenting relationship.)

  • Dear John,

    You had me at “mistake.” Cheating is NEVER a mistake; it’s a choice. Start there and then perhaps you could lose the entitlement of expecting her to forgive and forget. Choices have consequences. This is yours. If you truly love your wife, you will respect her boundaries and let her move on.

    If you’re truly working on changing, that’s a noble and hard endeavor. I hope you stay the course and perhaps it will benefit you in your next relationship.

    As to your indignation over her acting one way and doing something entirely different than you thought she would/should do? Does this sound at all familiar? I don’t know, like maybe when you promised to love, honor and forsake all others while you were married?

    Irony dude! It’s a word! Look it up!

  • Cheaterville, where these disordered ones are spawned, must be located near a sewage treatment plant. They all smell the same. I have to go for a walk, as I can smell MoFaux after reading the me me me let me manage your thoughts me me me letter. Amiisfree captured it nicely.

    Mehville is located very far upstream. We like our effluent to trickle down to Cheaterville. Since their shit doesn’t smell, we felt compelled to normalize their situation in our generous way.

  • I think women are smarter, in general, than men. I don’t think John will ever outsmart a female.
    John, you will be hard pressed to ever recreate the wonder of that woman. Seven years in “sack cloth and ashes” might fix your wiring. It is crossed.

    • I am contrarian, so I deg to biffer. We had a poll here one day about how many chumps had cheated in the past. The total was over 11. None of the chumps are still with the person they cheated on. Perhaps: once there’s cheating the relationship is dead. People do change.

      • It’s not a question of changing, it’s a fact that once the deed is done you can’t go backward. Hence a cheater will always be a cheater even if they never cheat again. Yes, mistakes are made and forgiveness can be given but none of that eliminates what transpired.

        • You can’t go back. That’s like finding out a family member tried to kill you and then you have to interact with them. It is likely you will always doubt whether you’re safe with this person. The same with cheaters. You will always doubt whether you can trust them. It’s like broken glass, it can’t be glued together. It’s broken for good.

          • Have to agree with Arleen. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is my favorite topic because the saying doesn’t mean you are doomed to the behavior, but you are doomed to the consequence. A cheater has a reputation that follows them. Other people view them differently, their family, their friends, the work place loses respect for them. Business deals collapse, whole towns are tarnished. Think Mark Sanford, Governor of South Carolina, and one time short lister for the white house. One affair, and boom, all that goodwill gone. Does anyone think of him as one time short lister? Nope they think of him as a cheater. Same for poor poor Monica Lewinsky, she of the “please don’t say stuff about me anymore because I call it bullying now”. The consequence doesn’t go away. The perception doesn’t wash off.

            And this tool who wrote the note isn’t understanding the depth of hurt his betrayal costs. He’ll always be “that guy”, the one you can’t trust your wife or daughter alone with, because he’s done one of the most hurtful things you can do. And it’s not just women, dude, it’s men too that get cheated on. Hurts like hell, but when you finally reveal your true self, it’s impossible to put the genie back in the bottle, thus, once you are a cheater, you are ALWAYS a cheater…

            • Good point. I’m a cheater and hate the ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ line (my OW kept saying it to me as the reason I should leave my wife and not try to rebuild my marriage). But I guess it’s true. My friends and family never will look at me the same way again. My kids will know that I did this thing to them and their mother, my colleagues know (and they always seemed to respect me for my family life). My in-laws I don’t think will ever forgive me for what I’ve done to their daughter/sister – and I used to get on with them even better than she did, in some cases.

              I guess I should have divorced my wife years ago before it happened…would that have solved it? I might have been a quitter but at least not a cheater

              • CheaterSux – well, this is different. A cheater on the site. Me? I appreciate your being candid.
                I remember when I first found out about my cheater, this was the first article I handed him.
                B yRod Arters

                My X had a stellar reputation in the community and was listened to like – that ad, that went silent and said…When ‘the wizard’ talks…everybody listens.
                He was like an icon.
                Gentle soul, compassionate, giving, funny, humorous and we had many friends and my family liked him more than me.
                His family also liked me too.

                So, here’s the 14 things he never bothered to read and, holy shit, did his life get miserable after that.

                “I have seen first-hand the destruction of adultery. Cheating devastates relationships and shatters dreams. If you have entertained the idea of cheating on your spouse or significant other, let this serve as your official warning. Your handsome boss, cute office secretary or sultry neighbor down the street comes with a price tag that you cannot afford. Before you cheat here are 14 things you really need to know.

                You will become a liar. It’s bad enough to bear the title of “Cheater,” but if you cheat, you will also wear the hat of “Liar.” Cheating cannot occur without deceit on some level and normally the white lies in the beginning become full-fledged lies at the end. “I’m working late at the office tonight” may be a half-truth but you’ll need to redefine the word “working” to silence your compromised conscience. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. (For more about the lies that cheaters tell, click here.)
                You will get caught. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. But eventually, your affair will come to light. Your world will come crashing down on you. If you are fortunate, the story of your indiscretion may avoid the evening news or the front page of your local paper, but your circle of friends will know your deeds. And everyone likes to share juicy news. Your poor decision will become as public as a billboard. It’s not a matter of if but when. As Pastor Rick Warren tweeted recently, “If the Director of the CIA can’t hide and cover up an affair, no one can.” As the Chinese proverb goes, “If you don’t want anyone to know it, don’t do it.”
                You will disappoint everyone. Everyone. Your spouse. Your friends. Your co-workers. Your God. Your parents. Your nephew. Your children. Yourself. The disappointment you cause will be like the stench of skunks and it will take a long time to remove the smell.
                You will be a bad example. Everyone is either a good example or a bad example in all things that we do. Cheating is a not only a very bad example in relationships but brings with it a cloud of doubt that hovers over you in other areas of your life. If you cheated in one area, would you cheat in another? Cheating communicates to everyone that you took the easy road. It tells others that you were willing to cut corners in your most primary relationship. It reveals that you were not willing to do the hard work and get the help you needed. No one ever admires a cheater. No one looks up to an adulterer. Even if you did a lifetime of good, this one bad deed can erase it all.
                You will lose your moral authority. It’s hard to tell your children (or others) to do the right thing when they know you didn’t. Saying “Do as I say, not as I do” is the fastest way to lose the respect of others. Not only will you lose their respect, you’ll lose yours. Every moral judgment you make in the future will be weighed against your adulterous action of the past. It doesn’t mean you can’t speak the truth in the future, it just means that few will listen to you.
                You will create trust issues for your spouse. Forever. You will single-handedly damage the precious self-esteem of the one you promised to love. Every relationship they have after you will be one that they struggle to trust. If that were not enough, you will rock the world of children and cause them to question the stability of every meaningful relationship they have. For children, their parents relationship is their anchor and cheating cuts the line.
                You will lose your standard of living. Depending on what you do for a living, you may lose your job. Many lose their home. Most end up with enormous court fees since cheating is usually the precursor to divorce. Betrayed spouses have a way of making you pay and that payment is always expensive. Every check you write is a constant reminder of your foolishness.
                You will spend years trying to rebuild your life. Literally years. Even if you somehow weathered the storm financially, you will find it takes years for you to recover emotionally. It takes years for you to restore certain friendships, if you even do. It takes years for you to rebuild your character. It takes years to rebuild trust. It takes years to truly forgive yourself.
                You will lose relationships. You will lose a LOT of relationships. Lifelong friends will walk away. Close friends that you have helped countless times will not be around to help you. Even some family members who are supposed to love you no matter what will vanish. A cheater can end up living a very lonely life. It’s hard for many people who used to call you friend to get past that skunk smell of disappointment.
                You will increase your chances of getting an STD. Sexually transmitted diseases run rampant among promiscuous people. But your paramour is “clean,” right? After all, they told you so. And if there is one thing we all know – we can trust a cheater and their word. As the saying goes, “There is honor among thieves.” One helpful thought may be to assume that everyone but your spouse has an STD. That should curb your appetite for destruction.
                The grass is not greener on the other side. The “grass is greener” idea is a common misconception. Because we have never been on that grass, we assume it must be better than where we currently stand. It’s not. In fact, though it may look greener from a distance – once you get there and make yourself comfortable, something interesting happens – the grass changes color. This usually happens soon after you get caught. You will then see that patch of land differently. You will also have a strange desire for the green grass you left… except now it is burned and won’t let you back. The best way to enjoy green grass is to water your own yard.
                Would you want this done to you? Thieves like to steal wallets but hate when it’s done to them. If we all lived by the Golden Rule (“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”) most of life’s problems would be solved overnight. Think about this action as if it were being done to you. The problem is that it requires thought and thinking is often the last thing a cheater has on his/her mind.
                You will eventually regret this decision. In the heat of the moment, cheating appears to make sense. It feels good and sometimes even feels right. Feelings are deceitful. Soon afterward, your eyes will be opened and you will regret that you ever partook of the forbidden fruit. Don’t we all have enough regrets in our lives? Why add another one – particularly one that can only destroy everything you have worked so hard to build? Your home may not be perfect but it sure beats living in a tent.
                The pain outweighs the gain. No one ever says from their deathbed, I wish I would have had an affair. No one ever leaves their lawyer’s office with a smile on their face – grateful for the experience. No one loses dear friends and is glad they have one less Christmas card to receive this year. The loss is immeasurable. The pain can be unbearable. Entire kingdoms can be lost for a few minutes of pleasure. It is just not worth it.”

                ——Rod Arters

              • Shechump that is simply awesome! Should be required reading at weddings!!! …BEFORE the vows!

              • CheaterSux – I’ve always thought the “Once a cheater, always a cheater” phrase had to do with cheating over and over. Your post made me see it differently. Even if a cheater never cheats again, they will always have the stink of a cheater on them. The damage they’ve done is forever. You perfectly illustrated how it’s basically impossible to redeem yourself in the eyes of family, friends and colleagues. They now know your character and it’s not separate from your acts. They see your acts as who you are.

                I’ve read many times how cheaters say that cheating doesn’t define them. That they are a “good” person who did a bad thing. It looks like you have realized that cheating did define you – to anyone who mattered to you. I’m sure that’s a lesson you never wanted to learn.

                Regarding divorcing your wife years ago – you should have had a little thing called a conversation with your wife when you started sniffing around the woman with whom you cheated. You could have let her decide if she wanted to be in a marriage with a man who wouldn’t honor his vows and honor the life you’d built together. But you made a unilateral decision to destroy your family as if she didn’t deserve a vote. That is also a tough lesson to learn.

              • Well, what this cheater ‘cheatersux’ forgot to mention is that he’s been in an affair for 18 months, just screwed the OW a few days ago, and now wants to move back in with his wife to ‘try again’. Btw, he’s made this decision 100s of times, to always go back to cheating. He still thinks he can get his ‘integrity’ back by going back to his wife. Who he called a ‘cum loving whore’ (no respect there!). the OW.

              • Yes, boohoo.. I find with these sort of letters that the cheater pretends to be so hurt and holy. Like they made ONE mistake, and want to fix it blah blah when in reality they have no remorse whatsoever, keep fucking around and only care about themselves… and then they wonder why they’re ‘always’ a cheater. Get a grip.

              • Funny, a cheater on this site and this is the article he reads. “I am entitled to forgiveness dammit!” he says as he stomps his feet.

  • Just because you apologize, do the ‘work’, dance the corrective dance, it doesn’t mean your wife has to accept the apology, and take you ‘back’. You ran the risk when you unzipped and poked. Too Bad, so Sad. Don’t blame the website, take your wife’s decision like a man.

  • Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
    Okay, done.
    Did it break?
    Yes.
    Now say sorry to it.
    Sorry.
    Did it go back to the way it was before?
    No
    Do you understand?

    • Oh Lyn! What a perfectly simple example perfect and extremely practical for the very simple minds of these fuck nuggets!!!

      I’m not even being a smartass when I say this, but I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to get Pigfucker to gain even the slightest bit of comprehension of the actual magnitude of destruction he caused. I tried descriptions involving him “in my shoes”, comparisons to negative situations be had once experienced, contrasting right from wrong, etc, etc, etc… Every one met with the same “duh” look of foreign confusion! I don’t know why, but I REALLY needed him to understand and even the most basic level to the point I honestly wanted to bang a hole through the wall with my head!

      But this brilliant example just MAY have actually caused a spark of brain function!!!

      Ahhh shit, … I’m most likely still giving the Pigfucker way too much credit.

  • Reading this, I had to laugh. It is obviously a letter from my stbx from last summer. And just for all of you who almost bought his sob story…his “mistake” (singular) was screwing multiple people before and after we were married, texting (and most likely fucking) dozens of prostitutes, and texting/showing his dick/meeting up with other girls while I was pregnant and while raising our three young children. And that’s just what I could prove with evidence and some of his own admissions (after years of gaslighting.)

    I did buy it. I let him back in for a few months, and he lied to me a few times. Deleted some texts from a couple of girls, lied about his whereabouts on several occasions, etc. I suggested we try counseling, but he said that he had fixed himself and that our relationship was fine, and that I was the one who should go seek counseling because he could sense I was depressed and being negative all the time. After a couple of months of this crap, I finally took his advice…saw a counselor, got my dignity and my priorities together and told him we are over. I am filing next week. And he, surprise, is on a tirade that I have “quit” on him and that I don’t care enough about our family to try harder. He literally said “Shame On You” today to me because I won’t give him another chance. And he tried to tell me it was my fault that he’s spent all of his money and is destitute because I’ve messed him up so badly by leaving him. Meanwhile I’m raising his 3 kids on my own and with the help of my mother. I am feeling very optimistic about getting my life back together after this divorce. Thanks for the support and advice CL.

    • Keep forging on Mighty STBX Wife of Idiot Letter Writer!

      My also X tried that “Shame on you for giving up” line. He stopped once I replied: “Our marriage died the day you cheated. My divorcing you is merely getting the death certificate.”

    • Stbxw of idiot letter writer. You are mighty! I have read most of these posts and just about everyone didnt buy into your idiots letter. So glad you didn’t either.

      Great luck to you and your 3 kids. Gotta say your stbx is one of the worst clowns i have ever seen with saying “multiple kids”.

    • But… THATS one mistake! Cheating cheating cheating is one mistake!

      Anyone else giggling at how bad his math must truly be if this is ONE? Boy oh boy. He must have to think real hard to know about his capital. Poor sad sausage.

    • Glad you weighed in and saw this! That timeline is about right. I had this letter sitting in my UBT pile for several months.

      I waited because I thought at first the guy sounded unstable. Then I figured… WTF.

      FWIW, I also got the “you’re a quitter” line. Over and over. Really ate me up at the time. Now I’m mortified that it ever did. ME? I’m the QUITTER?

      Yes, I quit listening to his bullshit.

      • Mine said, “Why didn’t you ever fight for us?” This after me begging him to tell me the truth. This after MC where he lied and lied despite being directly asked if he was having an affair. This after he took her (a certified borderline personality disorder) to our home. Absolutely crazy making.

        • Thensome, we were married to the same loser. I got exactly the same line. What were we supposed to do, beat up OW in the school yard during recess? I much prefer my solution: instead of fighting for him, I let OW have him.

          • My ex complained to people that the OW’s husband was fighting to keep her, but I wasn’t fighting hard enough to keep him. It’s all about the thrill of “conquest” for these freaks, nothing to do with love or human emotion.

            • Clap, clap, clap. GIO is right–it’s the thrill of the conquest, and who can provide the biggest ego boost to the shallow hologram cheater.

              • The very first thing I told the ex was that I did not plan to *compete* with some fucking whore over him. I consistently told him this. He assured me there was no competition. He’s a liar. I was not. Competition compete. If there is any whore any where who wants him, have at it.

            • Amazing, GIO.

              Cheaters just have to one-up the abuse. Triangulation won’t do. Rectangulation for cheaters and nothing less will do. Yet another reason to push as hard as possible to finalize the divorce. They wanted to get divorced, but every single communication from the chump the cheater gets via their lawyer is just another opportunity to get stinking drunk on kibbles.

      • The asshole is still at it….even today. What a dick. He said this in a text to me just now after I responded to yet another text about how he thought I was quitting on him because I finally,stopped buying his bullshit. And this is just one example of the Jetstream of bullshit I receive from him almost daily.

        “I may have been a piece of shit before I went and found help. But you haven’t found ANY! And your prob still post pardum depressed! The difference is I looked at my fucking wife and family and said it worth it to find a solution. You just hang on whatever negative thought you can to make yourself justified in giving up on your husband (twice in two marriages) and now your family. They wont be the same now because of your actions. And it’s not mine it’s yours! Mine I made the effort to improve upon and Better a situation. You prefer to just “be okay” with not trying and giving up.
        Makes you the asshole! Not the one who tries
        Yah I made mistakes, and so have you. But you choose to be ok with them rather than look at the bright side. ”

        Lesson: No contact is key. For real. Also “post pardum?” (Eye roll) what a total delusional asshole.

        • OMG, STBX Wife–they DO have a cheater manual! Mine said virtually the exact same things, “I used to be an asshole, but now I am not,” “you never tried to make this work,” “You need to own your part in the demise of the relationship,” “I, unlike you, can forgive anything in people I love.” blah blah blah

          Stay strong; you know you’re in the right against a manipulative serial cheater, and it really is better on the other side (with as much NC or grey rock as you can muster).

          Wonder if he saw today’s post? LOL (but not worth texting him to point it out)

        • No-contact; no-contact; no-contact. (Cue AllOutofKibble!)

          So sorry, STBXWoILW. He sucks. Please get away from his physical presence. I’m worried about you. He’s a horrible abusive little pea-brained ass. Let us know how it goes. We have all been there. Chump Nation saved my life.

        • Stbxw of idiot. Im with Ian about worrying about you also. This guy is very delusional and seems volatile.

          My exwife was posturing me in the exact same way.

          My Jerry Springer episode elevated to the police having to escort her from the family home because of her physical violence. She then had the audacity to lie to the police and use the classic line – “he hit me first”. Im about 6′ at 200 lbs. Fortunately the police didn’t buy her lies. She was also drunk. They took her away and I filed for divorce.

          All this drama stopped when I served her the divorce papers. The same might be true for you.

          When cheaters are unable to accept accountability for their actions this causes feelings of resentment towards the betrayed. They will continue to abuse. This is what is happening to you.

          Serve him his papers and go NC. Things will get much better for you. Big hugs for you!!

          • Stay safe. My cheater came home drunk and threatening after I said I wanted a divorce and to get out of our home. I called the police and told them to take his drunk ass away. He wouldn’t stay away of course, so I took my daughter and we got the hell away from him until lawyers sorted it out. So yeah, have a safety plan. These assholes want just one more shot at humiliating you if they can get it, so make sure you have a plan to stay safe.

        • STBX, your cheater’s email and your responses here should give all the chumps who think they have a unicorn a reason to put down the hopium, separate, and go no contact until they have a chance to think without all the gaslighting, blame shifting, and manipulative BS in their heads. Is it possible that a partner could cheat once, be remorseful, and do the work of change? I suppose so. But multiple partners? Prostitutes? Cheating while the wife is pregnant? Leaving spouse at home alone with kids? That’s a lifestyle. And as someone above (Anne?) said, where you find one affair, you should look for another because chances are you’ll find one.

          Leave a cheater, gain a life. If the cheater is not truly remorseful, it won’t take a year apart to see if the cheater moves on to someone else. Gotta have kibbles. Gotta have cake.

          • Amen and AMEN LovedaJackass!!! satan, while trying to suck me back in, cycled through about 7 different women. Yeah…that is true love huh!

        • Do be careful if your stbx is dialing between sadz and rage, with the rage getting worse over time. My ex attacked me, lied to the cops, they believed HIM and I got arrested. This shit happens. With kids in the mix it could be very bad.