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How Did You Get Rid of Their Crap?

garbageMy cheating ex once gave me a tie-dyed license plate cover for Christmas after D-Day — because I’m a “hippy chick.” He proudly affixed it to my car — and then later I unscrewed it and threw it out. And then later I threw him out.

Leaving a cheater is a massive clean-up effort. (Like Superfund clean up sites, only without the federal financing.) There is the crap the cheater gave you. And then there is the other detritus of cheaters — the crap they leave behind. Their high school year books… their pilled sweaters… their children.

Somehow cheaters seem to think personal organizing is YOUR job. And aren’t you building a shrine for them? Save it! Because you could always be Plan B if you pick me dance hard enough!

I’d like to know — what did you do with their crap? Did you get a 24-foot-cubic dumpster? A storage locker? A shredder (to make “chumpfetti”)?

And of course, no sooner do you make a decision about their crap, then they’re asking for it. “Do you have my book on West Virginia coal mining?” (This was an actual query sent to my lawyer.) “The fountain pen my uncle gave me?” “My fishing rod”?

NO. But maybe if you weren’t circulating between multiple households of women, you might know where you left it.

Geez. So tell me YOUR strategies for cheater crap. Help the newbies. Help the storage locker industry.

This column ran previously.

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  • I hand bits back to him in a bag every time I give kids clothes back. its like a slow gradual detox. anything else, I just deny all knowledge

    • Midlife
      Deny all knowledge. This seems familiar.
      That’s a great idea! A lot of his stuff still in garage. I’m not bothered yet it’s early days for me but maybe my new favourite saying if he asks for something could be “I don’t remember….”

      Knowing him he won’t even see the ‘joke’.

      • Hey CN. I have a pretty good “getting rid of his shizz” story but I am having a terrible day. Can’t seem to stop crying. Trying to bake and decorate for Christmas. Haven’t purchased one gift. I suck.

        Hiding behind my dear friend Capricorn right now….

          • Sara_esq,
            You’re not pathetic, you’re mighty! You use nirvana t-shirts as hankies! And you’re normal. Cry. It probably won’t make you feel much better (I never felt any relief after bawling), but somehow crying moves you forward. There will be other years for presents, this year focus on selfcare. Hugs

            • Bright,

              Crying releases cortisol: literally dissolving the stress chemicals in your body!

              The stress which remains in your body causes tension: mine comes in the form of neck and shoulder tightness and this develops into headaches: headaches cause frowning and develop wrinkles: ech!!!

              Maybe another person will develop stomach issues: anxiety or hypertension.

              Cry. We were designed too in order to heal ourselves xx

          • I agree with Brightness, you are Mighty! Yeah, you are having a bad day BUT… you are fighting back. You are doing stuff. How great is that? I mean, look at you… you are a badass. You are great. You just can’t see it now. But you will… After my narc ex left, I cried a lot… gosh how much I cried… I was pretending of being strong and cold… but inside… inside I was in pieces… And I was relly hating myself… like I was beating myself up all the time.. during those days I really thought the pain would have lasted forever. But it didn’t. Tell you something: even if my ex was an abusive piece of work that was considering my career and in general all the things I love as something boring he needed to get rid of, when we broke up (and he went staying with the OW) after work I was always running home with the hope of finding him in front of my door waiting for me and, of course, telling me he was sorry (pathetic… sooooo pathetic…). Once, I just didn’t… One day I did not hurry, I did not even think of him… and when i realized it… I was so surprised. And, well, happy. Cry … You need it and it is just normal, we all have bad days… but remember that you are enough. You agre great, mighty and enough. We all are. We are all damn enough. Send you tons of hugs!

          • I’m pretty sure worse things have happened to nirvana t-shirts … 🙂 Hope your day is getting better now. You can do this. You can do this. (((Hugs)))

        • Sara_esq: This time of year is always a trigger for anyone who is sentimental and family-oriented. But families don’t come in only one size.

          Think about what is making you cry–the disconnect between expectations and reality? Then do something different–think big. Ten poinsettia plants instead of a tree! Dinner at a Mexican restaurant instead of Christmas eve dinner. Skip the gifts, tell everyone you’ve collectively bought a cow to donate to a family in need: https://www.heifer.org/gift-catalog/index.html?msource=KIK2A130465&gclid=Cj0KEQiAsrnCBRCTs7nqwrm6pcYBEiQAcQSznDu5DY84biC12t2keVztz0xKz97QdsfOLs9JqrcL_80aAtAr8P8HAQ

          Is it the memories of Christmases past, with the hologram you thought was a loving husband, but was really a fucktard perusing Tinder for his next hookup? Write down all the crappy things you know he did (probably about 1/10 of what he actually did). Read every day until you get back to “Trust that he sucks.”

          Is it the sheer workload of preparing for the holidays, and no one seems to appreciate your efforts? Stop working! Stores have prepared meals you can buy; if you don’t want to go too far, at least buy the side dishes.

          You can do this!

          • Tempest, you nailed it! I think the hologram of our loving husbands and memories can almost be a form of torture. The “good memories”- keep flooding back, especially during the holidays. I don’t know why, but our chump minds seem to default to all the sweet memories, where we believed we had a committed, loving, spouse. You gave the perfect advice- it wasn’t until I took screenshots of the text messages he sent me, right after I found out about the affair. He was absolutely heartless in them and discarded me as if I was a stranger on the street. I also had a screenshot of his credit card, where he bought the OW a gift and me flowers for Valentine’s Day at the same time. He even included a note with my flowers, that said, “he was ready to fight for our marriage”. He failed to realize I could see his credit card history, that included endless date nights and gifts for the OW. These pictures on my iPhone, kept me sane!!! Every time I wanted to cry about losing him or my marriage, I would look at them. Anger can be your friend, it propels you into action and can protect you from taking him back or those really sad days. I actually added them to my favorites and looked at them constantly. It was a reminder of the truth and blocked the sad memories from taking over my emotions. Make a list of all the horrible things he has done, or take screenshots on your phone- whatever it takes, but it does help!

            • Not this girl- thank you for the great advice I too go back to those “wonderful memories” and get sad. I’ve been dreading winter/holidays without him already and it is only June so I took your advice and wrote down everything and looked at the screenshots I have from his phone Tinder, videos from other women, hidden pics etc. and go what the fuck is there to miss? And it strengthens me and I move on. ?

        • sara_esq

          I’m not great to hide behind right now! See further down thread. I’m at the same place you are. Just crying and in limbo land. No anger. No energy. Very sentimental about Christmas. Always my favourite time of year. Mostly did it alone anyway as he was only here for 2 Christmas days in the last six years. But still hurts. And I don’t have a cool nirvana t-shirt to cry into either…..
          Hey. We can do this. We are supposed to be mighty. We should do at least one mighty thing a day like Dixie suggests until Christmas Day.
          Tomorrow I will book myself a hair appointment that I have put off for weeks….soon I will have to change my name to Rapunzel. ?
          You???

            • Thanks to all of you. Still sitting my sorry ass on the couch, but will get up in time to greet my kids when they get home from school. Red puffy eyes b damned – I have concealer!

            • Capricorns are awesome (no offence other signs…). Chose the name after I read this quote

              “You think Karma is a bitch? Wait until you piss off a Capricorn.”

              • Omg i love that! And here all along I thought (along with everyone else) that I am a pusstcat. Turns out I have claws. And teeth!

              • “You think Karma is a bitch? Wait until you piss off a Capricorn.”

                I think the Limited got it on both ends. He pissed off a Capricorn and the bus ran him over and over.

              • Sara, honey…eat some cookie dough…Im serious.

                I remember once crying until my face hurt I have no need to cray like that these days. You are gonna get through this you are mighty!!!

            • Guys – the reality is that I miss my mom. Soooooo much. She died 20 years ago and not a day goes by that I don’t think about and miss her. She never had the privilege of meeting her amazing grandchildren.

              I am hurting here, and I apologize for spilling. I went to law school to sue doctors as a result of the way she was treated while terminally ill with lupus/cancer. I was so angry – felt so helpless. It was either law school or med school, but I was pretty sure I couldn’t handle Organic Chem.

              She died 20 days after diagnosis. She asked my older sister (13 years older) to take care of and watch out for me. My sister told my mother, on her deathbed, that I could watch out for myself. Which I have done, and for my 3 kiddos.

              I guess what I am trying to convey is that life sucks sometimes. So much – my husband’s betrayal hurts more than anything I have ever endured.

              I still miss my mom…..

              • I miss my step-dad most, he was incredibly steady, fun, and adventurous, he was a bright light in my life, and although it’s been a decade that he’s left our world, I have daily thoughts of what I would tell him next about my life, a funny thing that happened, or m kiddo’s latest shenanigans. I do most times send those thoughts to the universe, and imagine how he would make fun of the absurdity of life’s twists and turns.

                It is a small consolation, but your mom’s memory lives on, through you, through how you live your life. Conjure her by cooking a meal she taught you to make, by watching a movie with your kids that she liked, let memories of her become the glue that allows you to strengthen your bonds with your own children… (((sara)))

              • I get this so much . My mom passed away last week on the seventh. I couldn’t stop crying for ttwo days of course and still trying to learn to breathe again. However, to honor a woman who loves Christmas and made it bright for everyone else I’m out there doing these things .

                – gifts for the teens at the shelter.
                – Gifts for the kids at the rescue mission.
                – I was looking at the giving tree yesterday thinking should I do more?

                Here’s why , mom was always the one to make the season bright for others she was the one shaking the boxes under the tree to see what they might hold, she made candy, she baked cookie,s she had a family holiday party she did the decorating. It all happened because of her and so we are not happy at my house but this year is going to honor her. hope you can find some solace to remember your dear mother by for the season I wish you the best, no condolences I can’t read them without weeping.

              • I’m so sorry about your mom Sara! I’m sending you big hugs!!
                I completely understand-I lost my mom to cancer last year a few days before Christmas. Her birthday was last week. All I want to do is hear, see and hug her again.
                My dad is gone too so I am feeling like a bit of an orphan. Both my parents loved Christmas so much & I am struggling to find any joy…..but I have to do it for my little one. I got a tree a week & half ago….I put lights on it sunday but still no ornaments…….maybe tonight? Idk. I have been good about the elf on the shelf though!

                But I’m glad to be free of the cheater. Yes, the memories suck but it/he wasn’t real & this too shall pass. I’m happy that I don’t have to rack my brain to buy a gift for stbx that he would hate anyway and that I don’t have to waste time standing in front of a card section unable to find a card that will fake the way I would have felt about him if he had been a loyal spouse.

                For me now, my mom’s death has been more painful than anything the cheating fucktard did. Thank god that I’m almost to meh these days where stbx is more of an annoyance that I have to deal with, like a gnat buzzing around.

              • Thank u so much for your kind words and compassion CC. ❤ My mom made Christmas so special! I am so sorry for your loss. I would come over and hang ornaments for u. Tedious task that I have done by myself for 17 years.

                On another note, I never did the Elf on Shelf – always too afraid I would forget to move it. A few weeks ago my 8 year old boy came to me with a “very sad story. Guess what Mom?” Me – “what’s up?” Sweet boy “my friend’s Elf on Shelf committed suicide. He threw himself into a lit gas burner.” Me – looking away trying not to laugh bc I am sure he accidentally fell off when his mom was making dinner. That would totally happen to me. I asked son “well, was the elf depressed?” His response – “I think so. My friend is really naughty.”

              • Me too, sara_esq. Mine is 16 years. And I miss her every day. Most of all when my partner, whom she loved, was discovered as a cheater. She would have been amazing. My dad is gay, and before he was outted, was cheating on her. She recovered so well. She would have got it. And been such a support.

        • sara esq, Big Hugs to you. You are doing great. Way, way better than I was doing last year. Last year I didn’t bake cookies for the first time in over 20 years. I just couldn’t do it; no energy. And don’t your worry about those presents. You’ll get it done. Keep it simple. People will understand. I didn’t send out one Christmas cards last year. Our tree was a pink Charlie Brown borrowed from my daughter. I made a pre-made lasagna and store bought dessert. My kids didn’t care. As long as we were together. Take care of you! You’ll get through it. It’s going to be okay. Hang in there. And if anyone offers to help you in any way, take them up on the offer! 🙂

          • Ladies, I feel you. Every year killed myself making Chanukah and Christmas perfect and all he’d do is bah humbug over everything until I now have no spirit for it.

            Know what? He’s all sparkly and finally buying gifts for 2 of his 3 kids (oldest is NC so is ignored) and his family. Bought me one Christmas gift in 26 years together. But, hey, it’s all ok. This year, my brother and his family will come over, my boys will be here and as long as we are together, it’s all good.

            We need to treat ourselves well. Take a break from trying to do it all and appear happy. We aren’t happy and that’s ok. Just snuggle up on the couch, eat cookies, drink wine and breathe! Next Christmas, I know the joy will be back for all of us. Hang in there and love yourself!

            • Sara, you are doing great if you can bake cookies and prepare stuff for your first Xmas since DDay. You are mighty and a lawyer! You can win this, and make him pay. Getting through the Xmas season will be hard, but you can start new traditions with your kids, make it completely different without your cheater. Never mind presents, shopping and all that. It’s about spending time with those who truly love you, and that doesn’t include the cheater.
              I miss my mum too, she died 22 years ago, I know that feeling. Your mum would want you to be happy. I bet she had life experience and went through very tough times herself and overcame!
              Don’t berate yourself for crying, it happens, it will continue to happen, but it will become less frequent, won’t last so long, as time goes by. Trust that it will slowly get better. Cry when you need to, nothing wrong with it, but remember that you are strong. Even if your kids see you crying sometimes, it’s ok, you are human and hurt. It’s normal.

        • This does suck to go through especially at this time of year. Just push through somehow. I fake through each day. Ugh.

        • I am not even Christmasing this year. I told everyone don’t buy me anything. I’m getting divorced and have to throw away everything I own anyway (we are poor people and could only afford our house together and neither has enough $$$ to make it on their own) and I just DGAF this year. Sorry! Don’t put pressure on yourself while you’re grieving! You don’t suck! He sucks! You didn’t deserve this! Be nice to you! He was mean enough! Sometimes good enough is just good enough and sometimes showing up is all you need to do. Just be impressed you aren’t in bed laying in a puddle of your own snot and tears! GOOD JOB!

        • You don’t suck! I just realized yesterday morning while I tried to do yoga with a wandering crazy mind that… “wait a minute, Christmas is this weekend.” Oops and holy fuck. I need to get on board and wrap some shit and bake and all that for my 3.5 year old. I’m still not doing either. Maybe tomorrow.

    • ME too! I am currently sorting the wine glasses from all the tasting we did together. The pretty and/or matched ones (i.e. groups of 4+ matching glasses), I KEEP. He can have the ugly or lone glasses!

      • Pack them loosely in a sturdy cardboard box. Tape it shut with good sturdy tape. Tape it reeeeaaaal good so it won’t come open. Find a cinder block wall and slam that baby real hard a few times.

        Oops!

      • We used to go on road trips and had many wine glasses from different places. I took a few I really liked that I had chose, and left the rest. He won’t have any attachment to them. BUT the next girl and the one after that, etc. will see he’s been around winery trips. I remember when I saw a few glasses when I first started going over to his place, made me wonder but I ignored it. Of course he told me he didn’t know where they came from, and he had NEVER been to a winery before ME. Lots of “firsts” with me that was total BS.

        For his stuff; I boxed up the items of some value, put the one box on his doorstep. The rest was thrown away or donated. Anything he left that I gave him, donated. If he doesn’t care then why should I? After asking him to take it multiple times, he had opportunity. He hasn’t even asked.

        The holidays are the hardest, however, he made them miserable and I was so anxious about his behavior, it’s not like there are great memories. He was either cheating or thinking about cheating.

        A couple people mentioned this idea, and it has done wonders for me: make a list of the nasty things he says and does. I read it daily to give me strength to leave and I pull it out when I feel sad. Been NC for 3 months. It really puts things in black and white. No matter how grand the good things are, no one deserves to be treated that badly.

        Good luck to everyone getting through the holidays, we are all cheering everyone on!

    • I cannot seem to figure out how to post. This seems to be my dday. He just finally said the big D word. I told him to pack his shit and leave my key. What he leaved behind is going into the shed and when its all done what he doesnt get im throwing out. Forgive for using your post to reply. I just needed to say that. All i can do today is cry

      • It’s ok, just remember to breathe. It hurts so bad right now, but will get better the further away from him you get. You don’t realize how bad it was until you get some distance. Cry, scream, post here…..whatever you need to do! (Hugs)

      • Prayers and hugs to you. It hurts like a MF. You WILL be ok. Trust in that.

        I wish I would have said “well ok then” and did NOT do the dance. Even if you have to fake it, just go with it. You deserve better and YOU ARE MIGHTY!!

  • Gave them a certain date and time well in advance to come and collect what was theirs – marked the items that belonged to them and left a ”guard” I could trust to oversee what happened – then went out for 2 hours. They didn’t show. Notified them that all of it would be left on the pavement and anything not taken would be going to the municipal dump 24 hours later.

    Apparently I sound like I’m joking a lot and it was a terrible shock when, weeks later I got a random ”hey, we need to discuss you giving me back my stuff” communication. Total hysterics. I am just incredibly vindictive and mean and need to stop being bitter. Because only bitter people give plenty of warning of a convenient, doable time for both parties and then follow through. It’s just such a bitter thing to do.

    • OMG, LOL!! Mine did all the same shit. He’s a lawyer and threatened to sue me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Move along loser.

      • It’s a control issue. They don’t want to let go or lose the unhealthy connection they have. It’s quite common. Doing the right thing means they lose connection and can’t be in your life (and all that entails) any more.

        BPD are famous for doing this, but it happens with nons as well.

        • I think that, quite apart from any mental issues that so many appear to have, it also points to how the relationship has worked, where you assert a boundary or make a request and they flatly ignore anything that doesn’t suit them in that moment. They get very used to that, especially if the relationship is a longer one, and find it hard to fully grasp that they no longer are in charge of everything with the power to do things on their own whim, to suit themselves and only themselves. Others have agency, who knew? Anyone who ”crosses” them is ”vindictive”, because they are central and their needs are paramount, after all, that’s how it’s always been, so clearly anyone who enforces a boundary or just doesn’t do what they want is the problem, not them.

          So often, when someone near the beginning of a relationship (work, romantic, friendship, any really) stresses compromise and meeting in the middle and the requirement to be flexible… it means that YOU must be willing to compromise, flexible, giving… not them. The flexibility is very often one-sided.

          • Brilliant point, Caroline. This is just how things went in my relationship with cheater narc and in the separation as well. All the compromise and flexibility had to come from me, because he just kept doing what he wanted, while expecting me to clean up his messes and take care of the details (you know, like children, the house …).

            But it also reminds me of a former boyfriend, who made it clear quite quickly that he was TERRIBLY sensitive! Turns out that sensitivity was totally one-sided. Very sensitive to anything that could disturb, upset or hurt him. Zero sensitivity to the effects of his behavior on anybody else, including me, or to our feelings.

            • My last narc tried this tactic, too. Only he used the construct of the fragile male ego – like a bubble or a fine wine glass (his analogy). All things must first protect this most precious thing (his ego), while he got to wield his keen insight (cold empathy) with abandon. “Did that hurt? Too bad for you”

              • Holy crap NMN and Caroline! Explain my life to me why don’t you? Just when I think I must be bat shit crazy to feel this way and that Dr. Skankenstein couldn’t possibly be exactly what he is, along come two clear-eyed chumps who reign me back into sanity. So nice (and totally awful at the same time) to know that I am not alone in experiencing this.

          • Caroline, you just summed up my 20 year marriage. STBX gets furious when I don’t do what he wants. Looking back, initially he acted hurt when I didn’t agree or comply. At some point it became anger and verbal and emotional abuse.
            Thank you for wrapping it up in a neat little package.

          • Caroline,
            Wow! I never understood this. Very early on in our 22 year relationship dim talked to me about the need for compromise. At the time I remember being surprised and puzzled because I am highly communicative and always listen to other people. I doubled down on selflessly giving to him so he wouldn’t think I was difficult/incapable of compromise. And that went on for another 20 years!

            Narcs really do tell you who they are, I just needed to learn to listen the right way (that they project). Now when he says something I can more readily identify the projection and lies. If he tells me he didn’t do something (especially if the comment is unsolicited/seemingly out of the blue), then invariably it means he did EXACTLY what he is saying he didn’t do.

        • Wow! First what is a BPD?

          Mine won’t let go, and as things if his clothing is slowing getting “thin,” any time he is in the house I get unnecessary comments such as, “wow, after 30 yrs, there is sure no signs of me living here..”
          WTF??? Look in the garage!!! ? The attic…
          Motorcycles, man tools, attic full of 30 yrs together… dig, dig, dig… I wasn’t the one to do this buddy …

        • Mine refused to take his stuff claiming he still had a right to store it in the garage as our divorce wasn’t final. So every week a clearly labeled cardboard box or garbage bag was waiting on the porch when he came to pick up the kids. My neighbor joked “you know it’s Wednesday, Sunshine has douchecanoe’s stuff on the porch.” After a month of this he borrowed his brother’s van and took away the rest.

    • Caroline, when X finally left (he thought the court ordered date was a suggestion), he destroyed our basement in his wake. It took me weeks and a dumpster to clean it out.

      But he still thought he could pop in when I wasn’t home to pick up things he forgot. So I served him with a No Trespassing order.

      Then he had our kids fetch things he wanted for him. So I had to have the talk that their father isn’t allowed to anything in our home anymore. Once the kids figured out he was stealing, that stopped him cold.

      Now he just bitches about the fact that I kept all his treasures. I found a box of his FOO photo albums in the attic just yesterday and the Christmas spirit must have grabbed me, because I didn’t toss it into the trash. Maybe the kids will want it someday.

      The kicker is that if he showed me even a modicum of decency or respect, I’d probably send it to Clusterfuckdale. But why deliberately open that door to hell?

  • I didn’t want to be accused of throwing his crap out. He took nothing with him (and he doesn’t give a shit about 34 years of memories including our 2 wonderful children). Plus he’s so sparkly and special he just had his AP take him on a clothes shopping spree south of the border (in my car–that’s a good story for another post). Anyhooo, I put all of his crap in garbage bags in the plow truck he left here. .about to get picked up because I made sure the newly signed separation agreement includes a list of the crap he has to remove.

  • When he first died, I was clueless about the cheating so I was handling his stuff very respectfully…as I went through things I got madder and madder.

    My oddest moment had to have been when I was so overwhelmed by things I handed a North Face jacket to a janitor at work and told him to never give it back…never told him why.

          • I tell you one thing, I was wishing this was my X that would drop over dead. I would shed no tears over his death, BUT, if he dies before me now his pension payments stop! I am thinking of giving him a gym membership to him for Christmas! LOL!

            • New Me:
              LOL – so funny!

              Yes, my EX also pointed out one time that he makes tons of money now! Oh goody, I hope you continue to do so, because I plan on applying to get his Social Security benefits, as a divorced spouse. Please EX do make tons of money!!

    • If my ex died, I’d get his $1m life insurance payout. Not that I would wish that on my children, just saying…Silver Linings.

      • How would you get that? He still kept you as beneficiary on the will? Usually it goes to kids and his parents.

        • I got that too. My attorney did a valuation of the total spousal support I will be receiving over the years, and we put in a clause that he had to maintain a life insurance policy with me as the sole beneficiary in an amount equal to or greater than that amount. It guarantees that I will receive the same amount of support in a lump sum in the event of his untimely death. Plus, no future schmoopie can touch it because both our attorneys will receive a copy of the decree and the insurance policy. It’s a tremendous relief to know that he can’t pull any crap and neither can some future wife.

        • I set up term life insurance policies for my husband and myself several years ago. I am the owner of the policies, I pay the premiums, and I am the beneficiary of his policy. He is the beneficiary on mine, but as soon as the divorce is final, I will switch it to my sister.

      • Cheater arranged a huge life insurance policy on himself with me as soul beneficiary back when he was planning to leave for OW…he was as mean as a snake but still tending some business to minimize his guilt once he left. At one point he was trying to negotiate how much he would have to give me to not out him as an assbastard with an ow and I told him that my loyalty was “not for sale”.

        We wreckonciled (on false pretenses, since he never told me the truth) and were married when he died. My daughter and brother know how much money I have…its a secret from everyone else, especially my parents. It was actually hard to date because I had to be wary of gold diggers and I was really puzzled how that would play out in a new relationship.

      • If my Gaslighter would do me the favor of dying before he’s 70 (67 now) is get $2 million. It would dove a lot of issues…

  • Twatface buggered off and having scrounged at the skank’s place for a while rented himself a rather lovely three-bedroomed farmhouse. Took all kinds of stuff from our home which made no sense. I suspect some was just spite – for instance my prized cookery books, cookery and craft videos – which I later found left outside his house in a bag in the snow! But after skank dumped him he hooked up with someone I guess he knew 30-odd years ago from school. A couple of months later – and giving FIVE DAYS NOTICE TO ME AND THE KIDS – he buggered off back to the States to buy a house for his TWU WUUUV. Left the house as is, all his crap, dirty dishwasher, stuff in the washing machine ….. So, knowing that my kids would end up emptying the house but leave it to the last minute, I went up every weekend for two months and dumped what I could. My youngest moved out a year ago so took what he wanted from his dad’s stuff in my basement but I am still left with so much crap you wouldn’t believe it. Not that he will be getting any of it back but what the hell ….. I ended up with over 200 CDs – most I have given away or dumped. Willie Nelson CDs anyone?? So yet again I am sorting his crap, but I guess that’s the price God’s making me pay for putting the Atlantic ocean between him and me – a price I will happily pay at this point.

  • I requested a dumpster as part of the separation agreement. I got it, I brought pictures.

    You should have seen the look on the judge’s face!

  • I packed it all up and told him to come pick it up. Whatever he left behind was burned the following weekend. It was a glorious bonfire! It was like closing a door on all the bullshit and lies that was our marriage. Yes, I cried and mourned the loss, but the next morning I felt better, I felt a part of myself I hadn’t felt for a long time.

  • Didn’t bother with the “warning”
    Set all of his stuff -tied up in large black bin bags-outside the door and changed locks .
    Smashed up his 80K worth of speaker/hifi system with a hammer .

  • As the wife who “never took good care” of him by doing 99.99% of the housework (his one job was to vacuum the stairs which he did about once a month). The wife who did 99% of the packing and unpacking for moves to two houses, including a garage sale that I did all by myself. The wife who was the only one who cleaned the garage and basement in twenty years, which included constant purging of things we no longer used. The wife who did 99.99% of the laundry. The wife that did 75% of the yardwork.

    I took great pleasure in telling him that I would not help him get the house ready for sale. I packed up my stuff that I wanted and packed up my kids stuff. I took great pleasure in throwing away and destroying lots of things that reminded me of him and our “relationship” including pictures that were taken when I thought he was exclusive with me ( he was sending love letters to a “friend” in England after I moved 650 miles to be with someone who said I was “the love of his life.”)

    So I moved out with my kids and left him with a dirty house, including the oven that was constantly getting dirty from the homemade pizza I made each week for him and the kids (the toppings always dripped over the side of the stone.) I left him to deal with all the stuff. I now regret being such a great wife who kept up on the crap in the basement. I wish he would have been left with 20+ years of stuff in the basement that he’d have to donate to the Goodwill. But yeah, I was such an awful wife who took good care of him, the kids and our home. But I suck that way. NO! I was a mighty wife and mother. And I was mighty when I moved out!

    • Looking back, I wish I’d just let him have the house so I could leave him with all the crap in the garage. I’ve been going through boxes for over a year trying to sort through what was garbage and what was donate able. But, it’s the price I paid for sticking it to him. He has paid the entire mortgage for the past year. He’ll pay it until the house has enough equity to sell.

    • I did the same Martha, I moved out and took all I cherished from our marital home… I think he didn’t really realize this was actually happening, because I was quite stealthy about all of it. Every day I would come home a bit earlier and I would move a few things. I also moved all our paperwork, passports, and important contracts. I left him to clean up as he moved to another place, and leaving him and his crap behind were the start of my recovery…

      You can do it new chumps, things are replaceable, but you can never buy a new set of self-respect. My advice is to fight for liquid assets and retirement as much as possible, get as much equity as you can, and then move on with your own life and goals… Because you’ll see on a Tuesday not so long away from now, you won’t even care one bit about all the furniture and other stuff you left behind.

  • I put all his shit in trash bags on the first trip, and tossed them onto the front stairs. The second trip wasn’t done until we had a mediated agreement. I didn’t touch anything or throw anything away since that would have been violating the standing order.

    We agreed on a time for him to get his crap, I put it all in the garage, and then scheduled an off duty police officer to be here to make sure it went smoothly, and I took off for an hour.

    Now that his shit is gone..(and that’s really all that it was…shit that I didn’t want in my home) this place is 100% mine and I never have to have him step foot in here again! Victory!

    • Well done Debby! I loaded his trash bags of crap into one of his 11 cars that was left at my house and parked it on the street next to the police station 3 blocks away. He had one day to retrieve the car or face the overnight parking ban.

  • The first crap I got rid of were some pilsner glasses that I had bought him. I found emails to the affair partner on his phone while he was mowing the lawn (he had, of course said he had stopped seeing her and we were in counseling together). When I heard the mower go off and him coming into the garage, I held up his phone, threw it at him, and then started throwing other stuff. Pilsners (nicely frosted, right out of the freezer), a pitcher he had given me (APs got jewelry and spa treatments) and full bottles of Gatorade (they were handy).
    I packed his shit up from the house and put it in the garage. He later took it to the love shack he rented.
    During Wreckconciliation, he moved back in. He stopped paying rent on his apartment, was evicted, and lost EVERYTHING but his clothes. A new bed, antiques from his grandparents, coin collection, fish tank, kitchen appliances, dishes, linens, his keepsakes from storage, toys of the kids that they had taken over there. He didn’t even tell me until a month after it had happened. I can’t credit Karma. Just his laziness and disorganization.
    When I kicked him out for the final time, he had very little to take. Which is great because his new car is a Mini. Great for a single guy but not so good for moving stuff.

    • Oh, I see you’re with me in the take it or break it camp. Narkles the Clown left behind an assortment of weird stuff that I can only assume were mementos of Twu Wuvs past that I don’t even know about.
      -paper items I burned for a quick feeling of mightiness (hope he’s not looking for the title to his camper)
      -pictures of him or with him went to the shredder (He didn’t take any, why would I keep any)
      -plastic items went in the trash (Just easiest)
      -glass items went with me to an outdoor gun range (where I shared my story and assortment of destructibles with everyone there-make new friends they say)

    • Glasses.. yes. I had keepsake drinking glasses that needed a new home. Cheater was somewhat bigoted in terms of how he viewed the LGBTQ crowd (I’m more in the “love your neighbor so what if they are gay/trans” camp).

      I offered up these keepsakes on his class FB page and one of the 2 gentlemen from their class who later transitioned to female asked for them. May she enjoy them in good health.

  • Long story, for now I’ll keep it short, X requested his Aerosmith, Doors and his Rolling Stone CD’s, which were the only three CD’s he ever listened to and the only music he ever listened to, (as far as I know) along with a meat thermometer.

  • After a night of dramatics (the fake suicide attempt, foot chase across town, his family getting told the truth, the OW throwing up in my toilet because she was so stressed over it all..) I packed all his shit, called OW, had her take all his stuff. The story I was told was that she put it in a storage locker and threatened to burn it all if he didn’t finally move in with her. Easiest way to get his stuff out ever.

    After the divorce was finalised and all assets were divided, I heard from his nephews about how I had ‘stolen’ his video games. I had missed the spiral cd tower he kept his video games in while packing his stuff. Now, if he had actually come to get some of his stuff all those times before the divorce like he was telling the OW he was, he would have had those games the first time he stopped by. That wasn’t the ‘stuff’ he was after and he almost got slapped with a restraining order for his continued harassment.

    Yes, amazing what I stole by not packing it up myself and him not being interested in his belongings.

    • I can’t imagine threatening someone to move in with me. Talk about deserving each other. I wonder how that worked out.

      • Lol, these ow women are some dumb desperate whores. About 99% of the time, if the cheater moves in with or marries them, it’s cause they were thrown out and have no where to go. This one had to threaten to get him to move in. Just wow. She knows he figured out she’s not the only strange crotch in town.

      • After I threw mine out, and it became clear divorce was imminent, Hannibal Lecher convinced his then-married AP with two children to leave her husband & move into an apartment complex. He moved in 2 months later, and the story is they “met” at the apartment complex 2 weeks before the divorce was finalized.

        Ha. Stupid woman–last I heard she needed to go on antidepressants after a mere 2 years with Hannibal (narc abuse will do that to you).

        • Yeah, I was on antidepressants less than a year after I married my Narc. I didn’t realize Narc abuse was the problem. And then back on antidepressants after a blindsiding discard by the Narc. Such special monsters they are.

      • Had to have the lawyer call the OW to apprise her of the court date as the exhole was avoiding all calls and mail (all while telling OW that I was the one that wouldnt hire a lawyer). She dragged him to the court house to meet with my lawyer and , i quote, “stood over him like an angry dragon while he signed the agreement.”

        They married a whole month after the papers were signed. They had a kid and ended up divorcing several years later due to, surprise, him cheating on her. How do i know? My ex sister in law gave him my phone number because he (in his words) ” just wanted to talk to a good friend about everything.” I laughed myself silly. Told him he must be truly desperate and all his friends must have figured out what an ass he is to call me to cry. Hung up. Apparently hes now moved across country and remarried..again. So yeah, things didnt work out for the happy couple.

    • Ah, yes–the “stolen” argument. My EX told his mother I had stolen the jewelry she had given me. In fact, I had returned the jewelry to him prior to us even finalizing a property settlement because I knew it was of sentimental value to her. Since they were gifts, I never owed it back to anyone, I just thought her daughter (whom I respected and liked) would be the most likely recipient, and I thought she should have it. Of course, my EX never passed it on.

      A couple years later, my former father-in-law asked his grandchildren if they knew where the jewelry was. Yes, they did. They told him “Dad keeps it in his safe.” Former FIL asked the grandchildren to send it back via registered mail because Grandma wants it. They did.

      Oddly, no one has every apologized to me, you know, the “thief.”

      • Eilonwy,
        My STBX, like you ex, often accused me of stealing from him, often after my things mysteriously disappeared. STBX has no problem repeatedly committing perjury.) Unfortunately, I have to go to court every time he falsely accuses me of wrong-doing. It appears as though he is trying to emotionally and financially burn me down–and the legal system, for the most part, lets him.

      • In those kinds of situations,where there’s jewelry you want to return to ex-in-laws, especially if you are fond of them, best to give it directly to them (or anything of value, really). Disordered liars are not always 100% above board and it’s really horrible to branded a thief with them giggling and refusing to disprove the accusation AND then often-elderly people distressed about things.

        • You are right. But I was dumber and more trusting then. I wouldn’t send him a postcard from Hell these days without getting a postal receipt.

      • I stole his golden coin!

        Except I didn’t. I fished it out of the attic where he’d left it, and delivered it to the front step of his love nest.

        WTF ever, dude. Like I give a shit about some worthless over-priced collector item. Some of these guys are paranoid AF. I guess everyone cheats, in their weenie brains.

        • I’m doing this today, right now…..
          Lusty McSparkles is cleaning the ride on mower and accusing me in his loudest voice (as I empty the barn and pack up both of our stuff) of “stealing” his family photos, photos of his ex-girlfriends, his corvette belt, random pieces of timber that were special to him. His favourite sandals that he probably left at the OWs’ (one of 3 that I know about)…. I am playing “Fuck You” by Lily Allen at full volume and muttering “I trust that you suck, I TRUST THAT YOU SUCK!!!”

          • Good job! Know that every bit of shit you pack up and send his way is less of his shit in your life. This is a GREAT day, the beginning of a new life away from a FREAK.

          • Morse-You got this! I know it seems like a nightmare, but you are a fighter! The pain will come and go, but the beautiful life you will gain by getting rid of that cheating asshole will last a lifetime. Sending you hugs, I know it’s not easy, but yes always trust that they Suck!!

      • During all of the wreckonciliation drama, his brother was hurt in a household accident (please have a professional look at your gas dryer instead of trying to fix it yourself) and couldn’t work his construction job during most of the summer. They were hurting for money. I was too as I had tossed out exhole at that point and was paying all of the household bills while he lived at his parent’s house with OW. (…yep…) But as I loved his family, I scrounged up $100 out of a few paychecks to give to them. A couple months later, his brother asked me how much money I had given them to help out. I told him and he got this look on his face like something wasn’t adding up. Turns out exhole had told them that he had given me 2 thousand dollars to give to them to help out. So I must have just given the 100 and blown the rest. I was pissed. All I could do was to deny him giving me any money and ask his brother “You know your brother. If he had 2 thousand dollars to give to you..do you really think he would give it to me to do and remain silent about it? Or would he make a great production out of how helpful he was being to his brother? Remember that this is the guy that likes to slap his friends, literally, in the face with his thousand dollar paychecks in cash.” His brother apologized for even thinking I might have kept anything.

      • And I made sure to pack his bottles of Extenze right in front of OW, all while explaining how much he had pestered me to order some for him to try. He was pissed. Lol

  • After DDay I emptied his closets on the porch. And took his keys to the house. This was after he said he would be away Saturday night. He expected to live with me and have sleepovers.

    I then made a list of the things he had to get rid of at the dump. He made trips to remove a pile that had accumulated on the side if the house. He also had to remove all the crap I got rid I of in the basement and garage.

    I held his drum set until he paid the rent for three months. When I went away he broke into my house to steal items from the house including the drums. I had taken some with me in the event he did this. I traded them for the last rent check.
    I filed an temporary order so he couldn’t come back

    He wanted not one item from the home. I believe he was magically thinking his HO would move to Florida with him.

    I sold things and donated the rest. I burned every picture with him in it as well as his early childhood pictures. I sold his wedding band which surprisingly he asked for. Months later.

    He attempted to con my son into selling cooper he left in the yard. When I saw it in my sons car I told him he could scrap it for me as it belonged to me now.

    Prior to moving out he was selling things in craigs list.

    • Oh, Craig’s List.
      Get rid of your old stuff….find a new whore all in one place.

      Gosh, wonder why he wanted his wedding band….

      • Mine asked for his wedding band too, while I was sobbing in my car after finding him at OW’s house. I later sold it and went on holiday.

        • Mine continued to wear his wedding band even after he asked for a divorce. Even after he told me he “didn’t love me anymore.” Even after he listed off the names of three women he “gave up” for me WHILE WE WERE MARRIED! He wore his wedding ring, because with narcs it’s all about image and how things look. I stopped wearing my rings as soon as he told me the above stuff. At the moment he said all that stuff to me, we were divorced in my heart.

          • Agree 100% Martha!

            I sold my engagement ring a month after he moved out to be with the OW and took my son to Hawaii with the proceeds!

            • I Can See, That’s awesome about selling your ring and going to Hawaii!! I bet you had a great time! 🙂

              I actually gave my rings back to my ex. I was so pissed at him. He actually put my rings down as “assets” on his paperwork that he needed to fill out for the lawyer. Can you believe it? Something he gave me as a gift was considered one of his assets according to him. I made sure to tell everyone about that one and that further cemented to the people the I know that he is a jerk. Who does that?!! I want nothing that reminds me of him in my new home including jewelry. Thankfully my kids look nothing like him, so I’m not reminded of his ugly face each day.

              • Well, hopefully he’s handsome at least! And looks change. Don’t forget that! My daughter used to take after her dad and now everyone says she looks like me. There’s always hope!

    • My narc asked for his wedding ring back weeks after taking it off and leaving me. I told him that I already told our daughter I was planning to melt down both rings to make her a beautiful pendant heirloom as a symbol of our enduring love for her. I assume he wanted to sell the ring for cash, but my BS story forced him to back off. I enjoyed using his “nice guy” persona to ninja him back into submission.

  • Ha!!!! Mine asked for a cruddy old Santa hat from the Xmas box with the words ‘who’s your santa’? On the front!!! Incredible.

  • Well most items I sold in a garage sale. Our 4 block square community hosts an annual 100 house garage sale. It’s actually lots of fun.

    So I put her personal shit out. I also put out all the unneeded shit she bought the kids over the years. Lets put it this way, I made like 2,000.00!!

    Lots of the community was anticipating coming to my sale because they knew the bitch had extravagant taste. Bitch always knew the price of everything but didnt know the value of nothing.

    None the less, she actually showed up – with a bag – and went shopping in *my* garage sale? I let her take whatever she wanted. She made it quick as my new girlfriend there helping me at the time. Look on her face was priceless.

    I still have some of her items in my basement. For instance the bassinet for the kids. She made a point of putting it in the decree but its still here 3.5 yrs later? Either way, it is sentimental to me so I wont part with it. Unforts, if she claims it, I will most likely give it to her.

  • Burned his birth certificate and passport.

    Brought cufflinks his father gave him to the deposition. It is written in the record that I gave his lawyer “a pair of ugly and fake gold cufflinks”.

    Am still kicking myself that I sent him his 5 years of love letters to me. Stupidly thought it would break his heart to read them!

    • I packed 23 boxes of his shit and itemised them for his lawyer. What was not on the list was every reminder of me. He cared so little he can throw the shit out. Our wedding photos, all the cards expressing how he loved me and how great a wife and mother I was. I realise now the narc will never get the irony, these praises now belong to the new victim, until she hits d’day and kicks him to the curb.

    • Rebecca, I sent my ex the order of service from his best friend’s funeral. The friend whose wife he was banging. He didn’t bat an eyelid.

  • Exasshole took all the stuff he wanted. There are a few tools left that he will probably take now that he bought a house. He didn’t leave behind too much clutter. There might still be a few things. He recently took some furniture to put in his new house, but I told him he could have it. I was going to get rid of it anyway. Any stuff that was left behind by him that I knew he didn’t want was just thrown away. I was the most unwanted thing in the house, in his life.
    What I would really like to get rid of is every horrible memory, thought, and feeling connected to him.
    Throwing things away, even though it wasn’t that much, felt like the start of a cleansing.
    It might sound pretty good that I didn’t have a lot of clutter to get rid of, and in a way it is good, but I fully realize that his “clutter” was his many dating and porn sites. My God, the hours he poured into that. Anyway, getting rid of that “clutter” was taken care of by divorcing him. Kicking him out was the way to be rid of that.

    • Supreme, you may be having the same problem I had; he was gone, but I stayed in the house w/the kids. So his ‘ghost’ was everywhere!!! I couldn’t afford to replace furniture (have managed some as time goes on), but I should have at least painted and moved things around. So it would have been weird to have the living room set up in the dining room and vice-versa; it would have made exorcising his memory easier, I think.

      • First thing I did when my cheater moved in with his new, thrice-married OW was remove all his stuff from every closet. I then put all my clothes in every closet separated by item. I own every closet in this house now 🙂 He told me to “stop rearranging” things about a week later.

        Right, stop me from cleaning my house.

  • My ex requested in the divorce papers the itunes librairy. I downloaded it for him only after deleting all his crappy music. Anything else he left here, I sold at yard sales and on Ebay. Gave the money to the kids.

  • When I first threw him out, I put all his shit into black bags and left them in the greenhouse for him to collect (would save him having to spend hours inside doing it himself). A month after that, I had to give up the lease of my home and move back into my dad’s for a while until I financially got back on my feet (was on maternity leave from work at the time).

    I had organised rented storage for my stuff but could only afford a certain sized container, and the very day I was moving out of the house, cramming the rest of my stuff into my dad’s house and garage, my ex kept sending my text messages asking for random junk. The one that sticks in my mind the most is a charger for an electric toothbrush. WTF? He had a month to ask about his charger, if he REALLY needed to ask for it.

    When I told him I didn’t know where his charger was because everything was packed between two places, he went into a big text spiel about ‘not to worry’ (oh yeah, I’m in pieces about the charger), he was selling his toothbrush on ebay (WTF?????), but he’ll just put on the listing that it comes without a charger.

    Jesus wept.

    It was one of the most logistically stressful days of my life! Emptying my home while moving on the same day, with a 6 month old baby in my arms, organised around the school day of my 5 year old, a week before Christmas. Yet…. texts and texts and texts from my ex about the whereabouts of a toothbrush charger, spiderman socks, and a fuck knows what else. What an arsehole.

  • We negotiated in the PSA what each of us got from each house…main and vacation, where he moved after I threw him out. A helper and I carefully packed his stuff, including 40 boxes of books and ,as agreed, had them delivered to him.

    My stuff? Not so much. It was not ready as agreed and it took a year and untold fees to get a date where I had to send yet another truck to get it!!

    Meanwhile, we get a letter from his lawyer (we only communicate through lawyers), with a huge list of MY STUFF he demands in exchange for fulfilling his part of the PSA. Because of “change in circumstances”, that being he married directly after the divorce was final, a poor widow old enough to be my mother!!

    My lawyer laughed and told them “that ship has sailed” and threatened a hearing if he did not give the PSA agreed things.

    He did after a fashion. The important things were there. And a boatload of stuff I had never seen in my life…new wifey’s goodwill pile?

    Nothing is ever easy with these jackasses…

  • Mine left woodworking tools–table saw, router, all kings of gizmos. Plus stacks of wood. I just sold it to pay off part of my attorney fees. Never asked about that stuff. But wanted other stuff like a new sofa I had paid for and a few things from his grandmother. Put up a big stink about it in court. So…. judge said he had to get those things at a certain time. He showed up at that time. Joker didn’t come with a truck or UHaul, just his car. I was under no further obligation, he left empty handed. He thought I was supposed to have a truck ready for him?! After he walked away?!

    My kids did want great-grandmas stuff, so as they moved out, they took it.

    These guys are so insane!

    • Omg that made me laugh. He thought you would have a truck ready for him.
      Seriously how does he function in the real world without you…..?

      • Well I gotta admit, he is looney tunes. Probably still believes in the tooth fairy. Kids tell me he still cruises for women half his age. He’s no longer with the OW who broke up our marriage, but he does want a mommy to take care of it all for him! (That was one of his biggest beefs about me–I worked, had kids, and literally had a life while we were married. He whined when I had him set up his own dental/doctor appointments or asked that he make time on his schedule to do some dad stuff like haul the kids to the dentist when I was busy. I guess he was ever-oh-so-busy with his bimbos.) I don’t care how he functions. I function perfectly, well as best I can–quite well, without his crap.

  • 🙂 this is a funny one… I burned pictures and letters, trow away everything I could find (no warning…I do not care about his ‘feelings’ honestly). And… well.. I used his favorite t-shirt to clean the toilet, before throwing it away… Have to admit I felt good… happy Monday everybody!

    • I kicked mine out on d-day. Two days later, I scrubbed the grout in my bathrooms with his toothbrush.
      It was the best day of my ‘married’ life.

      • I completly agree with you… I was not married, but I honestly can say that it was damn satisfying! Two months ago I was cleaning my pc when i found a folder with the pics that me and ex took together during our last vacation… he was wearing that same t-shirt… I started to laugh histerically thinking about my toilet… 😀

  • Our property agreement included a date by which he had to remove all of his stuff from what had been our house. At my lawyer’s suggestion, he was not to receive the final 10% of what I owed him for the house until he removed his junk.

    Two days before the date he had to be out, he asked for an additional two days. I agreed. The kids and I remained with family members for another two days. (He had asked to have sole ownership of the house for six weeks while he moved into his new place. Thank goodness for my generous family members who let us live with them.)

    On the new date, I arrived to find that maybe 1/2 of his stuff had been removed. He’d had movers take his share of the furniture, but none of his personal possessions had been removed. And he had lots and lots of stuff. He again asked for more time.

    Note as well that some rooms were trashed. He’d dumped the contents of every drawer and shelf in the rooms of our children to take the furniture to his house.

    I wrote out in longhand on paper a statement that said something like, “I agree that if I do not remove the remainder of my belongings by noon on August X, then my former spouse can hire a moving company to deliver them to me and deduct the expense from the monies owed me. I agree to let my former spouse move my belongings into the garage, and if I arrive before noon on August X, I will retrieve them from there without entering the house.”

    He said he was too ill to sign a document. (But not too ill to drive a car, apparently.) I said, then I was enforcing the agreement right now, and all his property was mine. He called our 10 year old child over, and told the child, “Dad doesn’t feel well, can you write my name for me.” I said, you are trying to make this document illegal, and if you manipulate our child to sign it, I’ll enforce our current agreement, which is legal, right now.

    He signed with an X.

    I said, sign it with your legal signature, or that’s it, we are done with this charade.

    He signed. He took a few boxes of stuff, and he left. I packed all the crap out of the house into the garage with the help of a family member. Every single thing.

    He never came for his stuff. At noon on the appointed day, I called a small local moving company. They took it away and delivered it the same day. I deducted the cost from the money I owed him

    He complained a great deal. (Nothing new there.)

    I am grateful that my lawyer foresaw the need to for me to have a legal and financially reasonable way to get his junk out of the house.

  • Ex is a sociopath and abandonment cheater. Just walked out with a bag of clothes. His stuff was packed in boxes once our farm had to be sold. Guess who had to do all the packing?

    • Ditto…. STBX Blamed his affair on the financial stress of our mortgage. Even though I was making more money than I had made in 10 years and we had no financial troubles. I was still playing to pick me dance, the 180, he was in a fog yada yada yada and I had not yet found CL. At his insistence, and on his promise that he would stop contacting AP if I did so, I repaired, painted, D cluttered, listed, had over 100 showings, and sold our dream house that we had built ( where of course I did 99% of the general contracting because he was “too busy”). On the moving day, he had yet to pack a single box, he was still living in the extended stay hotel, still lying because actually he was paying 5000 a month for a glass apartment downtown for AP . He didn’t show up to the move. My young girls and I had to move a 5000 square-foot house with a huge garage of his junk all in disarray, a huge storage room also with his junk going back to his childhood, as well as everything that a family of six and a 25 year marriage accumulates . when confronted in marriage counseling about his failure to show up, he said to her the MC “I just couldn’t be bothered because I’d already moved on from that house.” What breaks my heart is the memory of my 10-year-old and 15-year-old who had to help me pack up all of the tools and the heavy items from the garage and the storage room and drive them back and forth in my small car to the new tiny house we moved into. The last things I packed were his drawers in our closet. he had all of the mementos the kids had made in preschool for him, the cards I gave him on special occasions, and the only way I got through it was by playing Beyoncé’s song “me myself and I”on repeat. I hired to off-duty fireman to help me move the heavy furniture and The bigger boxes. I put all of his stuff in the new garage off to the side. he slept at the new house for less than two weeks before disappearing. He refused to say where he was and we didn’t see him for a months. I figured he must’ve bought everything new and he walked away from 25 years of our rich life and our four children without a backward glance. His shit was the least of my problems.

      three months later when I hired a PI and found out that he had been living with AP in the expensive apartment downtown, I called our local charity and had them come pick up all of his stuff. Anything they didn’t take, I hired a junk man and they came and got the rest.

      When I filed for divorce seven months later and they asked me where his stuff was I told him it was already long gone in the move. He alleged I “threw his stuff away” ….boo hoo, sad sausage! I’m not a fucking storage unit, douche bag! Too bad so sad. ???

      • My ex, too, left with just his clothes. Didn’t take even a single photo of the kids’ childhoods, any of the mementos they’d made for him ….. I think initially he didn’t bother with that stuff, because he figured he’d enjoy the affair and then I’d let him come back when he decided that’s what he wanted. But even after he figured out that that wasn’t happening, he didn’t ask for anything. I think last year (3 years later!) he might have taken a few of his childhood photos, that were in the boxes he had to open to look for work documents he needed. The boxes of books, papers, clothes, everything he had left behind, completely ignoring my requests to come get things. The boxes the kids and I had to pack up and carry down to the basement, because he was too lazy to take care of his own shit. It’s still there, he’s moved 3 times since, now in another city. I guess when we sell the house, I’ll tell him to come get the boxes, and if he doesn’t, they’ll go on the curb.

        Heartless, and lazy.

        • Mine took all his tools first, and a couple suitcases of clothes. And weird shit. Like he remembered to take his high school band cornet but left the $250 worth of diabetes test strips I’d just had to buy for him? He also wanted no momentoes of the kids – left all the little gifts and cards they’d made for him over the years, took no photos of them although I had the house covered in family and kid photos. That hurt; it sure didn’t prove his “I didn’t leave the family, I left your mother” statements to our kids.

          I wound up emptying the rest of his stuff left in the house into big black trash bags and threw, err, gently placed them into the garage which he was supposed to come empty from his 40+ years of automotive hoarding. He didn’t finish cleaning out the garage by moving day, actually got angry with me that he couldn’t come get stuff during the last day in the house as I was struggling to get things done. What was left was his junk; ancient electronics, many containers of waste motor oil, tons of heavy garbage that I had to pay a junk guy a premium to empty as it was hazardous waste. And I too wound up accused of stealing some of his precious tools, although he’d had nearly 6 months time to get tjings done and didn’t.

          I still don’t get it, but have chalked it up to a glimpse into his disordered head.

          • That reminded me that I went through his tool box and took one of everything I needed.

            And I cleaned out the cupboards and gave him mismatched plates, old sheets, and worn towels.

      • MotherChumper99 – My STBX left with clothes on his back and got $2,600 a month house with 22 y.o. co-worker. I put his clothes in garbage bags for him to get later. I found a memory stick on the table in the garage with all these pictures of our daughter. He just left it there. I thought, wow he doesn’t want all these pictures of her? He claims how he has to see her now on his days – I am keeping her from him during the week when she has homework because he won’t do it with her and she gets F in homework the next day for not bringing it in. One day I gave him a list of homework she needed to do that night he had her – since I’m the one communicating with her teachers. He picked her up and then they went out for the evening to eat and play.

        But when he was gone all weekend long for four months with his coworker he couldn’t be bothered with his daughter.

        He bought all new furniture, identical $1,000 Weber bbq we purchased a year before and smoker, diamond ring for gf, off road toy…. And then I’m left with our meager furnishings that will probably be sold. I did notice it seemed he came back to look for porn tape in the garage that I found and beat the crap out of with a hammer.

        I also had left his boyhood stuff his mom gave him with his clothes. He didn’t take it. But he got his toolbox and other items.

        No, they can’t be bothered with too much because they’ve moved on.

        Although his good friend did say that he had planned to come back to me when he was done with gf. Uhhh. No. That’s no happening. The meanness. The coldness. The accusations of things he hurled at me when he was the one doing those things…. They are pure evil.

        DoingMe – that was smart to get the tools you need. I wish I would have gotten a couple more things before he took his tools, but I can get by.

        You guys are awesome.

    • My ex was an abandonment cheater as well. He loaded up his truck and drove 3000 miles to be with his twu wuv. I’m pretty proud of the way I handled it. Although I was literally falling apart emotionally, I got a pit bull for an attorney the morning after he left and had papers filed and had him served as he arrived. He had left nearly everything….even his dirty underwear in a laundry bag in his side of the closet. I changed the locks on the door immediately. I told my attorney that I had done so and he (my attorney ) told me that legally he (the scum) could still enter the house…my response? Let him try.

      I.burned. everything. All of his childhood photos, all of the clothes he left. Anything that couldn’t be burned was sold or donated. If he ever has the balls to ask for any of it back, I’m going out to the burn pit and get a shovel full of ash, put it in a box and lay a photo of a fire on top it and send it to him. Oh, except for all the vile photos of his gf that I found on his computer after he left. Those I’m going to package up separately and send in 8 x 10 glossies to each one of his family members packed as gifts.

      • I changed the locks, too. He tried to come back for stuff and couldn’t get it. He was so mad. Tough shit. I like the burning of the clothes. Kinda wish I’d done that.

        He had given his ipad to our daughter to use. I was using it too. I saw the picture of the big diamond ring on OW hand and like a dummy I asked my daughter about it. Then she said something to her dad. Oh brother. So then he posted pictures of the ring up close along with pictures of the OW naked. That’ll teach me! Lol. He’s such a moron – not thinking his daughter might see that stuff? Then he took the pictures down. They are some sick people. I thought that little 22 y.o. is not too bright – You know he was showing all his buddies the pictures.

  • I kinda think I must be in a very small minority here. Mine took everything. Absolutely everything he had ever owned. Bank statements from 10 years back, the holiday souvenirs he hated, his football shaped cereal bowl. The lot.

    6 years on and I still wonder at the amount of planning that took, especially as he moved it all into his new and already furnished home in just half a day.

    Months later when I put stuff in his empty closet, I found all the thoughtful little gifts the kids had given him over the years some of them not even opened.

    • They are such jerks. I can only conclude since the kids probably wouldn’t have spent much money on him, he couldn’t be bothered to open the gifts.

      Mine raged through the house and shredded everything he had ever received from me or “your family” as gifts. Later, I found one of my children looking out a window and crying as the child could identify pieces of the Christmas gift the child had picked out a few months earlier for dad. “Dad” had no idea which gifts the kids had given him, because that would have involved caring.

      • 🙁 for you child crying. How mean and heartless. Do you ever think, “I cannot believe I had children with you?”

    • Verity,
      My STBX used to accuse me of being unsentimental because I did not try to ban onto every scrap of paper that our kids had every put the tip of a pen on. Yet, he left all the kids artwork when he abruptly moved out without provocation.

  • X and I shared our house for 8 months after I filed. He moved out (with his Mommy and Daddy as his moving crew) and shortly thereafter we put the house on the market. When we sold, I had to tell him to come back and help me clear out all the crap he’d left behind (garage and shed were his domain and full of stuff). He took a look at my mountain of stuff I’d put together for donation, including the wedding china, and started picking through it, asking “Are you sure you want to get rid of all of this?’

    Yup, I was sure. That life was over, and I felt great unloading all the props from a life that I didn’t realize was fake until D-day.

    Last thing of his I got rid of was a bottle opener from his Big Ten alma mater-put it in our white elephant gift exchange at work!

  • I left her. So, she got to say in our marital home, surrounded by our belongings.

    That was a mixed blessing.

    On one hand, I wasn’t subjected to constant reminders of the life we had together. “This Dutch oven reminds me of how Ex Skank used to forget to use a pot holder with the lid and burn her fingers…boo hoo hoo!”

    On the other hand, I’ve been slowly re-accruing belongings over the past 3 years, from a laundry rack to a bed to dishes, some with the money I got in the divorce and others with my own $$. That’s has been VERY frustrating to think of her living comfortably with our belongings, especially all the items from our registry that we’re purchased for US, not for her and her OM.

    But, such is life. She can continue to burn her skanky little hands on that Dutch oven lid again and again. Boo fucking hoo.

    • With rare exception, my ex was completely uninterested in household things like furniture or dishes. Then he resented being surrounded by what he considered “my” things. He said it made him feel like it was my house, not ours. Turns out the only thing that made it feel like “his” house was hanging beer-related paraphernalia on the walls (including used bar towels he stole in college, I kid you not), and putting his fly-tying station in the middle of the living room. I relented on the fly-tying station because it encouraged him to spend more time with me instead of shut off from the world in the spare room, but then I got to pick fish hooks out of the carpet (and once from my foot) from that day forward. He seethed when we didn’t have room for diapers in his tiny one-bedroom apartment that I moved into, and I suggested that he move his 4 giant Rubbermaid tubs of beer-related shit out to the shed. (He refused, by the way. He just moved them into the closet, so I had to leave my clothes on the floor. What a fucking prince.)

      That is all to say that he is currently surrounded by all of her (your) things, and he quietly resents it. Last year I gave him all of his Christmas ornaments after unpacking them for the first time since D-day, including some pretty tacky sports-themed ornaments. I saw a picture of their Christmas tree and I noted that not a single one of his ornaments appeared. So take comfort in knowing that he is perfectly miserable surrounded by what used to be yours. He will eventually use it against her.

      • A tree?!?

        Well, he at least broke her of the use of a “decorative Yule branch hanging from the ceiling” of her nation of half origin, instead of a tree. She was SO pretentious about that aspect of her heritage.

        It’s now a running joke in my family to despise all things from that country.

        • Perhaps it was someone else’s tree? I didn’t consider that. It would be even more hilarious to see baseball ornaments hanging from a suspended Yule branch! Mercy.

          • Well, maybe a tree surrounded by beer-themed decorations is a “compromise” in that house.

            Interestingly, this reminds me of a very specific moment when she gave me back Xmas ornaments that my grandmother had given to me as a child. Mom gave those to my now-ex when we got married, and so she felt obligated to give them back to me during our divorce. Those were a very sad few minutes between us when she did that–just a recognition, however briefly, of what she had destroyed.

            Ah, divorce! The gift that keeps on giving shitty memories!

            • I had the foresight last year to pull out his childhood ornaments when I took down the tree. (I had asked him to leave in July, he didn’t go until March.) I also pulled out the couples and family ornaments we had and included those.
              I was very happy I had done that when the kids and I decorated the tree this year. It would have made me very sad to see them.

            • Boo fucking hoo. The only sadness either of them feel in those kind of moments is what THEY lost and how it hurts THEM. (At least with my ex, there hasn’t been an ounce of regret over what he destroyed, only what he lost.) Any real remorse your ex felt would have also been communicated to your mother, who gave her the ornaments. Instead she just felt self-pity and didn’t bother to try to make it better for anyone else.

              I few months ago I came across a stack of pictures and cards and notes from my ex. I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away because they represented such a happy time for me, but neither was I willing to keep them. So I gave them back in a sealed envelope when he was here to visit our son. But much like your ex, he didn’t do anything about it but probably wallow in self-pity for a few moments and wonder why I turned out to be such a meanie.

              • I agree that she was only concerned with what she lost, and not me.

                At the time, I was still chump enough to be sad for what we both lost, and I had to stay strong through my/her tears and stuff the ornaments in my pocket with a stolid “thank you.”

                Had I known that she had continued her cruel choices (this was in March 2014), then I would have been much less sad…for both of us.

  • He left with the clothes on his back and never asked for a single thing from the house. Didn’t want any memorabilia from his disceased parents, no photos of our son. Left all his crap for me to take care of. No surprise there seeing I took care of 99% of everything any way. I suppose I could have made some money by selling his shit. But it all went into black garbage bags and then the local landfill. All his stuff can rot.

    • After over 30 years together, it was amazing to see how little X had participated in our lives. He basically had nothing to take. He did take his clothes (all of which had been purchased by me), some old family junk, including the “priceless” Avon bottles, which he had “inherited’ from his mom; he was certain they were worth big bucks. They weren’t. I packed up lots of books and his files, but there was very little stuff. I realized then that he had never really been a part of this household. Everything from the furniture to the kitchen gear had been purchased by me. He was just too important to do things like shop for the household. In fact, in all the time we were married I can remember shopping with him twice at a department store, and those times were torture for me. So his leaving changed my physical environment not at all. It was as if he was a ghost in his own life. Sad, just sad.

      • A ghost in his own life. Yes!!! Mine had nothing really that pertained to the household. He was only interested in buying things for himself and his hobbies. Always told him he was the most selfish person I ever met.

      • Violet.

        Yes. I have one of these I think. Worked abroad a lot but yes just not much stuff. Not part of the household really.
        I was wondering in my post further on why I don’t feel like I want to get rid of everything he has left in the garage. Painfully I have realised that part of me still loves him or loves the him that I used to think was there.
        I guess if I do get rid of it it will mean it is over over which it will be soon as the divorce is finalised.
        I don’t know but I think I’m going to be a person that sorts through stuff but by bit but maybe I should think about ripping the band aid off all at once.
        Not today though. I’m having trouble locating my anger lately which is difficult as it is very energising.

        • Holidays are hard Capricorn, and this is your first Xmas post DDay, right?
          You’ve got to allow yourself some sadness. The anger will return, believe me…
          Do you have a friend who can help you sort stuff? Someone who hates your STBX would be ideal.
          Sending love. ❤️

      • I had that same experience, there was really no “him” in the house. I painted and decorated all the rooms, he didn’t even hang a picture. All the dishes, decorations, kitchen stuff, bedding, furniture – all chosen and placed by me because he was never interested in participating. Weird.

      • When I packed up Gaslighter’s stuff I stared at my big hallway bookshelf with boxes ready to fill with his books – but wait…the only books he owned were his high school and college yearbooks! After 38 years together his stuff fit into five boxes. Five! He had no interests, no collections, no musical instruments, no hobbies. I was stunned. There was NO ONE HOME! That’s when I realized he truly was a disordered Cluster B Sociopath. He did read all of the tools, it seems that every time I needed tool it’s gone. I’m trying to run a 30 acre ranch property where my Part time ranch hand has had to go home to pick up his own tools when we don’t have something needed. it’s ridiculous. Of course in the barn were stored boxes and boxes of lawsuit files that he finally had to pick up because of an ongoing lawsuit for fraud. What an asshole! You can’t make this shit up!

  • When I won the protective order he needed his PC, clothes, etc. His mother and her husband came to get them and thought I’d have it all packed up, nope. They had to help me cram stuff in a suitcase and a box. Off they went. Then I did pack everything that was his in boxes and stuck them in the basement. Once finished emailed him to have someone come get the crap, no one came until the basement flooded… I emailed again, most of your shit is soaking wet, if no one shows up within 48 hours it goes in the trash. I wasn’t about to have it molding in my house. His mother and her husband came and took it all away in trash bags. I was kind enough to provide the heavy duty bags. At settlement he expected to come here and look around for what he wanted, nope I have a PO asshole. He sent movers for his couch, a lamp and a box of misc stuff he asked for. When months later I finally wanted to watch a movie, I found that he had removed every single DVD from the cases, later found the same thing with the music CDs. The bastard had taken all of them, even the music he didn’t like.

    • That’s why I refused to allow him in the house, not even to care for our older children in there own home while I was in the hospital with the youngest. As I could not trust what state the house would be in when I came home or if I would be able to get him out again.

  • I packed what I wanted of mine and the kids, and left. He has the house. I can’t afford it, and also, much as I loved it, that’s where I saw him and her acting suggestively in my kitchen — and I’ll never unsee it. He can have the house. It is dead to me. The only things I have that remind me of him are things I’m keeping for my bonfire on divorce day. And my wedding rings. I’m waiting until divorce to go turn that in for cash.

  • He was so mad when he came to get his stuff and I had changed the locks. I put his clothes in bags and left them in the garage. The garage is such a dirty mess. I go in and clean a little at a time. I threw away all of his boat racing trophies and RC car trophies as they were reminders of his expensive sports I supported him in.
    For months before stbx left he said he was out all night taking pictures with his new camera. He didn’t take pictures during the day – the sun hurt his eyes, he said. (Oh brother) I told him I didn’t like him being out all night. He cried and whined about how he works so hard and how mean I was to want to take away his hobby – the only thing he had to help him relax, he was so stressed out!! How could I ?! I never supported him in his hobbies!!!
    Well, as I suspected, his ‘hobby’ was actually his barely legal coworker he was with every weekend.
    Boat racing is a very expensive ‘hobby.’ I supported him for years while he did that. RC car racing is expensive, too. He didn’t have just one car. And the RC boat. .. The drones……
    All the things that had to do with his hobbies got thrown in the trash. And then for some reason he brought back two of his RC cars all beat up and put them back in the garage saying I could have them. Why would I want those? What’s that about? My lawyer says he does a lot of nonsensical things.
    Yes. Yes, he does. Months ago he said he’d come clean out the garage, and of course that never happened.

    • Mine wanted to take a birthday present I had bought myself, and became angry when I said he couldn’t have it. 10 minutes later he tried to dump his tax records dating back over 10 yrs back on the shelf. When I stated he wasn’t leaving those behind they were his he snapped ” well you want everything else”

      • Because I kept the house, I also kept all the financial records, credit card statements, etc. They helped me get a 50/50 settlement because then-STBX was claiming, “Oh, I only have this much in that retirement account!” or “I had $X dollars in my retirement account when we married,” (when he only had 1/3 of $X; the other 2/3 = Community.Property).

        When he moved to a more permanent apartment, he asked me to pack up all his stuff because he couldn’t bear to come back to the house, having been “cast out.” sniffle. But do you think he paid for packing boxes or bubble wrap? No, the packers showed up empty handed because apparently I was supposed to do all the work and pay for the materials. They never change.

        As I emailed him that day, “Do you want this? Do you want that?” he messaged back, “My heart is filled with sadness” (even though he was moving into the same apartment complex as AP). My first thought was, “I am filled with relief.”

        • Tempest, my stbx cried about being “cast out,” too.

          But he had told me 2 or 3 times that he was moving out!

          Then after not coming home, again, until morning and I flipped out. He said, “Fine! I’ll leave!” I told him – you have been telling me for weeks you are leaving – why aren’t you gone yet?

          He stood there all pitiful and said, “I don’t have any place to go!”

          Ugh. So disgusting. Be a man instead of a wimpy coward. He had been out all night at the hotel because he got drunk at his Christmas party. He went without me to be with his co worker. When he came home he said, “I’m OK – I had to sleep at the hotel because I got drunk at the Christmas party.”

          He’s OK.

          Oh how nice. Well, your wife and daughter are not OK you moron.

    • OMG FindingPeace! That story about ‘taking pictures all night, because the sun hurts my eyes’. LOLOLOLOL! The insane excuses they expect us to believe! They are so brilliant, in their own minds, in real life? Not so much.
      My X was visiting kookoo neighbor daily, then every evening, and oh, they were just really good friends, who had SO MUCH to talk about! I hadn’t even found CL yet, and I knew he was killing me inside, so the first time he came home at 6:30 AM, I was on my laptop, filling out divorce papers! He was like- But I just fell asleep on her couch!
      They truly are nuts, glad to not live with that anymore!

      • My ex claimed he was always at the beach working out. Who works out at 2 a.m at the beach?? He said the beach was too crowded during the day and at night he could work out without the distractions.

      • Well, you know how band practice goes until 4am 3 nights a week…even when the rest of the band has been home since 11pm…

      • Free Woman – Yeah, their excuses are so ridiculous. It would infuriate me to have my intelligence insulted on top of everything else.

        CoCoVoe – My husband also said that taking pictures at night was better – less distractions and people.

        Maybe out husband’s were out together. While yours was ‘working out,’ mine was ‘taking pictures’ of him. Lol

  • Everything from our room and the living space went to him in the weeks following D’day every time he came to collest the kids to take them to school I would leave stuff on the verandah for him to take. When I packed his trinkets up from the lounge room I discovered just how little of me was in the room. It then took a further 12 months and a court order for him to collect the rest of his stuff including 23 boxes of crap I had put together and itemised for his lawyer, plus all the stuff he decided was his on the day including Tupperware I had stored for use after we finished renovations that never happened, he also tried to take a trivial pursuit game I had bought myself as a birthday present one year that he refused to play ( sorry I digressed ) and his piano. Why so long. He had no where to store it till he hooked his next victim, yep cheater would rather commit to a long term relationship than just rent a storage unit. So here’s the thing….he moved all of his stuff to the home of a woman that he had only been seeing for three months, no sex remember, both good clean Christians, he was not living with her, they were “just friends” he lived with him mum. Four days later on the day our divorce became final they both announce their relationship on Facebook.
    So all the stuff he had collected following d’day and the odd things he demanded I hand over like matchbox car collection in the polystyrene box in the garage which I had seen him look at twice in 18 years, all that went to his mothers, but the bulk lot of his stuff went to the new victims house. She housed his shit for a further 12 months while he visited, they didn’t live together till they married March this year. But all that went to his mothers except for his cloths is still there, he refuses to collect it. Since the wedding he and the new bride have moved to a smaller home than she originally lived in with her two kids. When our girls go to visit him they have to share her daughters room, which is unfair to her daughter as well as mine. But as long as cheater is ok. Ex sisters in law and I are trying to find a high powered slingshot to see how far we can launch the matchbox cars off the roof of his mothers apartment building.

  • When my X left she filled up her vehicle with mostly her clothing. She then came back several weeks later to make a second pick, which was almost all of her clothing again.

    SHE HAD a Mercury Mountaineer, imagine that the entire vehicle was filed with one persons clothing twice (I am not exaggerating here).

    What was left behind where all of her personal documents from her immigration stuff to her tax forms etc… tons of documents with her social security number. She also left ALL of her family pictures from central America including her children’s pictures from her first marriage. Apparently her clothing is more important that this stuff. I ended up keeping the pictures for my daughter so she can see what her half brothers/sisters look like.

    She was ordered at the divorce to pick up the last of her stuff (which was stacked in my guest room) within two months (she never did). After holding on to it for over a year it finally found its way into the recycle bin. Oh and I forgot to mention I still had two massive black plastic bags full of her clothing which got donated.

    Just from that alone you can see where her priorities are.

    • Lothos.

      I’m a newbie (5months post DDay middle of divorce, he works abroad) so no big story yet about stuff but that line ‘Just from that alone you can see where her priorities are” struck a chord.
      He came back to sort out financial stuff which involved going through boxes and bags of stuff where he ‘files’ things. He took some things but left a lot. After ddays I had gone through the house and put all of his stuff in boxes out in the garage. It makes me feel sad. Sad that it’s there. Sad that he didn’t mind. Sad he left a lot. He didn’t even ask about what we were going to do with photos, our old love letters, emails I printed out when we were starting out 20+ years ago. I don’t know what to do with these shared things. He just assumes I guess that I will hang onto all boys momentoes, pictures etc. I kept our family calendar for every year of our marriage. The last four look ruined, all covered in angry scrawls where I had tried to figure out dates and places of OWomen. I’m guessing he will just walk away from it all. I think it’s going to be a while before I can face it.
      Found a jacket of his hanging behind a door yesterday. Didn’t know what to feel so just put it in the garage.
      Im going to wait and see if he ever wants the pictures or videos of the boys. I’m guessing again but without me prompting I don’t think it would cross his mind. He doesn’t seem all that keen to see them in person so why would he want their pictures.
      I think I must be at a very early stage of this thing. I couldn’t toss his stuff. It just feels wrong somehow even though he doesn’t care.
      I don’t know what that means.

      • Hi Capricorn,

        I know it is early days for you, but I suggest you not wait to see if he wants pictures or videos of your kids. This is sort of leaving a backdoor open for more conversation or negotiation. Keep everything you want. Get rid of everything you don’t. He either gets it now, or he never gets it. If you want to give him a shoe box full of photos, do so and put them in his pile. If you don’t, don’t.

        If you can’t toss his stuff now, pile it up in one space, so that it is out of your face. An out of sight stack in the garage or a shed is best. Eventually, he’ll want it when the divorce is complete or you can give him an ultimatum to come take it, but one thing that will help you move on is to live in a home that represents you–who you are now and who you are working toward becoming.

        Inviting a friend over to help you box it up might be cathartic. It is a lot easier to clean up a mess with a friend who is not prone to get sentimental about it. While you are at it, repaint your bedroom or another important space in a color you like.

        I still have a few things (wedding dress and album) that I don’t have the heart to throw away, but I don’t want to see either (I’m mourning the loss of a vision I once had of my future–not the jerk I married). If I open the boxes they are in someday and see that mice have nested in them, that might be the best outcome.

        • Eilonwy

          That’s good advice especially about the friend to help. Didn’t think of that but it would help.
          Just going through a phase of odd lethargy about it all at the moment.

          • Every post today is full of energy and feistiness but I just can’t get there. Just the thought of making decisions and sorting stuff like I did five months ago when the wheels came off feels exhausting. I’m in a strange limbo.

            • Capricorn: You’re allowed a state of limbo. It may last for months. No decisions need to be made; stuff in closets will still be there in March when you might be ready to sort through it. Your job right now is to take care of you, and your kids. Bubble baths, cups of tea while perusing Pinterest, picking out some cheap flowers to brighten your kitchen, anything it takes–5 to 10 minutes a day devoted only to you. Hugs!

              • Thanks Tempest. I keep being surprised by the back and forth of recovery. I’m such a slow learner!
                I think it can be so painful sometimes my brain when it gets happy again tries to believe it will stay there and then the inevitable crash comes and it feels harder than it would if I had expected it.
                Did any of that make sense.
                Sorry probably should haul myself off to the forum.
                It is my first Xmas after. Thought I would be relieved but it’s just painful.

            • I’m there too. We haven’t even decided anything really yet. I’m sure we can’t ACTUALLY reconcile because he doesn’t want to fix himself or can’t. He can see he needs to but isn’t there. I’ve been really good about getting angry and toughening myself but when I think about all that we had then I start to fall apart. I had an anxiety attack in the grocery store on Saturday because I needed cat food, cat litter and kibbles (?) and I couldn’t carry it all myself. And then I almost cried at the register because I’m not sure how I’m going to get by financially. He was there for me until he blew it up. And it sucks! I still love him even though I need to try to stop and it’s hard AF.

        • That is exactly why I held onto my X’s stuff so long. It felt wrong to through away all of her personal papers and pictures of her kids from her first marriage. After 2 1/2 years of separation and over 1 year of divorce I finally said well I care about this stuff as much as she does so I tossed them in the trash.

          Mind you, I did not shred anything as that would take my precious time and I am under no obligation to do that for her so if she suffers from identity theft that is her problem as she should have come and get the stuff.

          I did keep all the pictures of her kids and I even kept our marriage photos. I put them in a special photo album so my daughter can keep them.

          You will get there, it just takes time!

  • After 16 years of marriage (and amost 21 together), having lived in 3 countries and 2 kids, it took 20 minutes walking around the house to lay a claim to things bought across two decades together.

    The strangest was that she wanted the Nespresso machine. I kept a painting in lieu. 20 minutes and it was done.

    I threw away whatever she didn’t collect; photo albums went into the attic.

    That was three years ago, almost to the day.
    I wonder if my ex wife ever looks back and thinks she made a mistake or has regrets.

    • My ex clearly did look back and have regrets. He threw away so many good things, for a slunt who later dumped him TWICE, each time for another man. Even long before that he was trying to convince me to let him come back, and saying how much he regretted ‘what happened’ and wished he could go back and change it.

      EXCEPT, all that regret? It was for HIM. He didn’t like how things worked out for HIM. He didn’t like the way HIS life was going after he dumped the kids and I, our home, all our mutual friends …. There was ZERO regret or remorse for the pain he caused us, until much later when expressing some remorse seemed advantageous to him. When that didn’t work to get back into my and the kids’ lives, the remorse disappeared! Suddenly what he did wasn’t that bad, we were just being mean and bitter and self-righteous. And I’ve alienated the kids, that’s why they have so little to do with him, that could never be because of how he behaved and how he treated them.

      So even when these cheater narcs express regret, it’s all about them. About how their choices have impacted them. Not really satisfying to hear about kind of regret. Eye-opening, though.

      • KarenE – My STBX says I have “tainted” my daughter against him. Noooo. He ‘tainted’ things when he lied and cheated and then told our daughter he’d have to sell the house and we’d have to move out because he couldn’t afford to pay me support while he lives the high life. He lied to her about what he did, telling her I was the bad person (behind closed doors, you see, because she didn’t see me being ‘bad’). But she can see. I told him he treats people like they’re stupid. But he has no clue. He uses bullying and intimidation to get what he wants. He cannot reason, only threaten. She said, “My dad’s an asshole.” I haven’t told her that he’s an asshole. Just the facts.

        He told our daughter in a text that he did what he did because he was ‘unhappy.’ So our daughter thinks that people who love you will just up and leave when they get ‘unhappy.’ She told me I’ll leave her, too. I told her no, she is stuck with me. I’m not going anywhere. I am not going to even go out with anyone because no one is coming between her and my devotion to her at this time. I am focused on her and getting her through this.

        Same here. Zero remorse. In fact, instead of any remorse, he is trying to stick it to us even more. by paying as little as possible. He hates that he has to pay me support. He is doing sneaky evil shenanigans to try and get out of helping me or making sure we are ok.

  • I’m actually giving his motorcycle to my brother when the divorce is final. I told the idiot he has two weeks to get his shit out. He hasn’t said a peep. It’s all good/ I’m going to rent a roll off dumpster and toss most of it. It’s sprawled all over two sheds in the backyard. F that guy, I’m not his storage unit.

  • 3 weeks in here, he took most of his clothes on day 1, he has a lot of clothes.
    This week I bagged up more stuff as I had the energy. Burnt a few things ceremoniously while drinking champagne.
    Think he can have love letters back also.
    Got house and car keys but still need to get garage keys.
    He has been making noise about selling the kayaks and tv. I told him if he took anything from the garage or broke in I would call the cops.
    He can pick his drum kit up this week as I want to use the room for guests, like my mum.
    He said ‘is you boyfriend moving into the room’?
    I thought if I had a boyfriend he wouldn’t be in the spare room!
    Prize lazy dingbat, we moved 6 times in 11 years I did 90 percent of everything whilst working mind you, we have two kids also.
    Finally bought a place 1.5 years ago and come hell or high water I am keeping it!

    • Good for you!!! You’re doing the right thing, keep standing your ground. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you’re exhibiting a resilience I wish I’d had after D-day. Keep it up and stay strong.

  • There are two realities here. What I knew at the time and what I know now.

    I have told this story before, but if knew the whole truth at the time I would have allowed my nephews to come and forcibly evict him. I would have insisted to the already newly pregnant Sluterus that if she wanted Cold Slab O’Lard so badly she could have him immediately.

    But I was relatively badass with touches of Pick Me Dance. I gave him exactly one day to get his shit out. Not a single human came to help him, so he moved a couch, two beds, two dressers and several large screen televisions by himself. My son and I stood and watched him, and made a big show of painting an empty room a color that suited him better. The fucker had the nerve to ask my son a hand a couple times and was told. “I will NOT help you hurt my mom.”

    Afterward the shitstain sent me emails to congratulate himself on taking very little from the kitchen because he’s such a nice guy. Errrrrrrp. the same nice guy who had a conniption fit months before because I replaced our filthy microwave with a red one. All the ugly brown dishes and tacky Walmart flatware had been his. So I put it on freecycle. He didn’t even care that he’d left his daughter’s baby dishes and cookie cutters behind. Sent it to Goodwill. He never asked about it. Not once!

    He didn’t even attempt in the two and a half weeks between D Day and GTFO day to sort Christmas decorations but had a meltdown when his daughter saw I’d put up a new Christmas tree on Facebook. Well, I’d carefully sorted those things, and when he sent me a nasty email to complain I’d ‘stolen’ them I calmly told him his hideous white Walmart tree and ornaments were sorted and still in the shed where he left them, along with his integrity and his morals and the numerous special ornaments I’d bought his daughter, including replacing her Baby’s First Ornaments over the years.

    He also left his wedding ring engraved “My Love Forever” in Welsh and a couple shirts. We barbecued them on the grill and roasted marshmallows over them.

    Two years later, there’s nothing. Except for towels and appliances there is nothing in this house his dirty hands touched. Every time I pick up a fucking utensil I bet it in my mind. I replaced every pot, pan, fork and plate. And since he hated red so much? It’s ALL RED. I just realized those blue towels have been in his turtle crotch. Time to go to Kohl’s!

    • Same here Luziana. If it touched his filthy hands it was gone. Except for big furniture which I picked out. And like so many here X wanted nothing from our 35 yrs–not even 1 picture of the kids. He took an ugly curio cabinet that was his bitch-mothers. When movers came 2.5 hrs late I said could not have, he would have to buy from me at Estate Sale. Threw a big fit. So I threw it on the porch. On a windy stormy night. Too bad mofo. It gave me great joy to throw his crap away whether it was sentimental or not. But I did save the cutesy little love letters to/from the girl-child for my kids to have a Bridges of Madison County moment when I’m gone. I did make the kids promise they would never disrespect any man, woman, child, or animal the level that X had disrespected me.

    • I went the opposite route–if I like it, I keep it. I don’t let him, or his memories, have any control over me (if I can help it). Most of the stuff we had together was my taste anyway.

      And Luz–I went with red, too! a big, bold color, for a new, big, bold life.

  • I sold it!! It was fun, fulfilling and gave me some spending money. The most fun I had was selling the Swavorski Christmas Ornaments he bought me every year, even though I asked him to stop Numerous Times. I got great money for them on ebay and giggled as I packed them up and shipped them off.

    Admittedly, I did break his stupid train set. Unfortunately, I did it with my foot which hurt. In retrospect I should have grabbed one of his beloved bats.

    • I took great joy in throwing away his college engraved bat from some super play he made. Also tennis stuff.

  • I threw clothes in garbage bags and left it at the front door. I gave him his jewelry and he got two totes of stupid shit (his baby blanket and stuff) and his precious expensive tv – yep that’s right – that’s what he got after 18 years.

    We wreckconciled about 8 months later for all of 2 months max and I finished him off and took his new bed and precious expensive tv too since it was now mount to MY wall!

    Didn’t ask for any pictures or anything (of his kid). What can I say? He gives being a Fucktard a whole new definition.

  • First I want to say a mighty “hello” to CL and all fellow chumps, I’ve been on a long hiatus from commenting. I always read here every day…. but I just had to take a break from talking about my ex POS and his vile antics.

    With that said…. I made mine SO uncomfortable confronting him about his hook ups, texts, etc. with the OWhore that he grabbed a few things and crawled to his mommy’s. I changed the locks and unplugged the garage door opener, after I realized he’d been in the house and removed things without telling me (I was in the hospital overnight for a double mastectomy one month after he left). Eight months later I told our landlord to demand payment or the property in writing (x-hole wasn’t paying, wouldn’t get off the lease or move his shit!). I signed the agreement, packed and moved everything that I wanted or belonged to myself and our son, and I left ALL of his shit there! Not my problem anymore! Every time we had moved (3 times in the first 4 years) I had done ALL of the packing.

    He finally had to communicate with our landlord to get his things, he’d been avoiding and ignoring the poor man for months (still is 2 years later).

    He did finally move “most” of his shit, but it took him 4 months….. he ONLY moved on the weekends he had visitation with the kids and had them help. On his non visitation weekends he had to keep his schedule open for trips 4.5 hours away to visit OWhore. His time with HER was too important for spending it moving…. but not his time with the kids.

    Of course I’ve been “accused” of taking things that weren’t mine to take. Idiot. I should have done what everyone told me to do and sold his tools and gym equipment to pay the rent.

    Two years later it’s almost over, we go to trial in March…. HALLELUJAH!!

  • For newbies: right after D-Day, you really need friends and family to help you be rational, I think. And DON’T delay!

    Being irrational as I was, being devastated and traumatized and all, I went to work the next day on one hour’s sleep and though I had kicked him out the night before, he came back to the house while I was at work and removed what was important to him (5 different PCs located in different parts of the house – damage control much?)

    I also let this stage drag on too long. I should have changed the locked the first day! The ensuing two months were horrible as I struggled to comprehend the nightmare of what was happening, while he continued to come to the house every day and take whatever he wanted. I would come home from work bewildered (he was never there), and take out my phone and take photos so I could compare them to the previous day to figure out what was taken.

    When I finally wised up I gave him a deadline and he went livid with rage (“Are you telling me basically to just get a big truck and get all my stuff out in one day??!!!” – me: “Yes.”). He refused to abide by it, and eventually I did change the locks. A sibling came to stay with me so the house wasn’t vacant while I was at work. Ex was enraged. Seems it was okay to fuck around behind my back and hide his previous affairs from me, but me standing up for myself meant I was a “heartless bitch” and “crazy” and unreasonable yadda blah blah blah.

    Predictably he left all the crap he didn’t want behind and for the past 3.5 years slowly I have been making trips to the dump with crap from the crammed full second floor of the shed. He also left detritus on a shared hard drive he forgot to cleanse. That’s where I found the emails to the prior OW of five years previous. Oddest thing I found in the shed? A huge, empty beer keg. Knew this guy and lived with him, had parties at our house, etc. for almost 20 years and had never seen the beer keg. Gave that to the guy I hired to mow my lawn.

    I also gave away valuable items that Cheater later demanded via his lawyer, after having taken every damn thing he wanted while virtually running over my sobbing soul in the driveway with his truck. Oopsie! just so happened I knew family and friends needed things like a sofa, loveseat, extra flat screen TV, and more.

    So, lessons learned: Change the locks if you legally can, right away. Enlist supportive family and friends to be present when Cheater comes to retrieve “their” stuff. Be NC or at least gray rock about the division of property and assets. “Fake it till you make it” and heal your heart later, but guard your home and your property if you safely can.

    • TheMuse – Yes, they can cheat and treat you with contempt and lies and deceit – give you the dead eye stare with hate in their eyes – accuse you of the most stupid things that they are actually doing, etc. etc. But when you stand up for yourself and your child – You are a bitch. A mean, heartless bitch.

      Especially when I tell people the truth of what he’s doing and what he’s done. Yep, you guessed it – mean, heartless bitch.

      Losers.

  • I’m the one who moved out. In the 6-9 months preceding my move, I cleaned out all of my stuff. I made multiple trips to the dump. I filed all my paperwork.
    I left all of his crap right where it was. He didn’t lift a finger but in perfect passive-agressive form he proceeded to silently let me know that I wasn’t “nice” because I didn’t take care of his part. And then made a snide remark when I moved that “a lot of things were missing from the house”.
    But … karma comes sooner or later. Last week our daughter was nagging him to get the artificial Christmas tree out of the closet. As he’s yanking the tree out of the messy closet he never cleaned out the box with our sex toy came out with the tree. He got whacked in the eye by the sex toy and tried to scramble around half blind picking up the contents before our daughter saw them. I about peed all over my new couch when I heard the story.

    • That’s funny, notadoormat! I wrapped “our” dildo in a towel and stuffed it into his underwear drawer. I hope it smacked OW in the face or him, or at least fell out in front of her as he was unpacking his shit just weeks from moving out of our home of almost 20 years for someone he claimed he had only met in person 2 weeks before.

      • I am dying!! When I moved out, I took everything and left his personal crap. I left a few of my things, love notes that he wrote, sexy outfits that he bought for me. I hide them around the house. The OW moved in the next day and I laugh my ass of thinking of how pissed those two were to have to keep finding those little love bombs.

  • I sent it all with him. Down to the last shoelace. I “notified” him on Monday of his imminent departure five days later, then packed up his shit for him in two days. I was a tornado. I went from room to room with a box and just stripped everything that was his or a gift from him (not many of those to be sure.) Every closet. Every drawer. Every shelf. The car glove box. My files. Even splitting up the pictures was a piece of cake … when you remove sentiment and just act with ruthless precision … it’s a snap. Yes, I am available for hire!! 🙂

    When he came home from work Tuesday afternoon and observed his belongings staged in his room (the guest room), you would think his feelings would have been hurt. But as some of you are aware, he is not an intellectual powerhouse. So he decided that this turn of events was “helpful” rather than “insulting” and thanked me for all my help. Snort. You’re very welcome, asshole. Here, sign this long legal document you don’t understand on your way out the door …

    I sold my $20 walmart 10k wedding band (yes, this guy earns a six figure salary) for scrap and got $10. Bought my son and I a pizza, which was oddly appropriate.

  • Funny to see this column today. Just last week I found my ex-wife’s diploma plague. I got rid of her just about 1.5 years ago but I still find her crap now and then. Most of the time I just put it in the dumpster. But I didn’t have the heart to throw out her diploma plague so I left it at the door to her friends apartment which is in the next building. I was hoping my ex didn’t see this as an invitation to open communications. Is this considered breaking no contact?

  • We were living overseas when i left him at the airport. He thought the kids and I were just going back to the home country for “a holiday”. We weren’t. I had decided 4months earlier, when i had discovered he was cheating on me with hookers in the country we were living, that I was going to leave his sorry ass. He had NO IDEA I knew about the cheating. I kept it to myself. It was the final straw in an abusive relationship. I simply left him at the airport. Took my kids back home to start a new, fabulous life and left him behind in that country to enjoy the cheap prostitutes.

    As soon as I got back to our home country, i took ALL his clothes and belongings to a soup kitchen. The volunteer staff knew exactly who of their clientele needed what items. It was the beginning of winter and his expensive thick jackets and warm clothes went to those in need. Best feeling ever!! I highly recommend doing this.

    By the way – Chump Lady and Chump Lady have been my life force throughout this whole ordeal – 2016 has been a supremely awful year. My D-day was in Feb this year. I left him at the airport in May. Chump Lady was there, on the other side of the world, replying my emails and giving me the strength to push forward and do what I knew I had to do. I haven’t joined the forum up until now, because I’ve been busy putting this new life together. But, I have been reading the posts every day. You all have given me the support I’ve needed. And you didn’t even know it. Also given me lots of laughs. Love you, CL and CN!!! From a country gal in Australia

      • I felt bad-ass too, haha! He had NO IDEA until we were due to fly back there and I just told him via email (as per my lawyer’s instructions) that the kids and I weren’t coming back. That was 6weeks after we departed at the airport. Thought he could keep having fun with his hookers while the wife and kids were away. “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”…WRONG!! I knew all along. Surprise! Jajajaja, I do feel bad-ass, thank you

        • Left him at the airport – you are incredible.

          I found my STBX’s journal from his stint in AA/NA 15 years ago. Part of the process is doing a 4th step on your relationships. He has never been faithful to anyone. He went to prostitutes. And a bunch of other sickening stuff. He said he does not know how to love. People are objects to be used for his happiness. When things don’t go his way he uses threats and intimidation to get his way.

          You are bad-ass. Keep up the good work.

      • It took several months of acting. I didn’t have sex with him (cut that gravy train off when I discovered the cheating) – I actually came up with an arsenal of excuses to use to NOT have sex with him but never had to use them because he was hardly ever home! He would come home at 2 or 3am from “the project” (he’s a building contractor) saying he had to supervise the night shift workers. Then complain how tired he was. So, it was easier than I thought. I just let him keep digging his grave deeper and deeper while I was there. Let him lie to my face when I knew exactly where he had been and what he’d been doing. And just kept collecting the evidence. It was kind of entertaining watching him come up with creative excuses for why he couldn’t spend time with the kids and I on the weekend. Dig that grave deeper, bitch. Ahhh, fun times….

    • That was two solid months of acting. How did you do it? From what I can see, these guys are extremely sensitive to mood shifts that might mean you’re getting away! I only had three weeks to endure without arousing suspicion and even then he got a whiff of trouble brewing – I was uncharacteriscally happy (to see the last of him, LOL). I left when he was on a business trip and whipped around the house packing the minute he left the driveway.

      • Yes, I kept it all from him. It was a constant adrenalin rush for 4 months. Couldn’t sleep at night because my mind was churning over and over with all the things I had to pack secretly or things I wanted to give away before the kids and I left. We were living in a developing country and I wanted to give a lot of stuff to local people. On the last day I did, while he was at work. He still had no idea even weeks after we’d left that half our linen cupboard contents and kitchen wares were gone (given to local people in need). Packed the kids’ fave toys and gave away the rest. Kept the toy chests closed so he didn’t even know they were empty, snap! He was hardly ever around the months leading up to our departure. Home most nights around 2am. Blamed work for late nights. I came up with reasons to avoid having sex with him but didn’t even have to deploy them as he hardly paid any attention to me. Little did he know, a disgruntled staff member of his was the one keeping me in the loop with all his nocturnal activities, bing! Yes, I know…I was super lucky to have help in that department. Not all chumps get that head start. I followed their reports up with my own snooping at home. Yep, he was up to all sorts of no good. I was pissed about having to leave the country in such a manner, not being able to tell close friends (I only told them once the kids and I were home, safe) so I spent the final months doing the secret packing, giving away items and catching up with as many friends as I could for coffees etc. I do miss my friends in that country. Had a really awesome group of galpal moms, but couldn’t even tell them I was leaving because some of their staff worked with my asshole’s staff and I didn’t wanna risk the secret being leaked. When I look back now, I don’t know how I did it all! It was seriously a wild rollercoaster ride. I know people use that analogy a lot, but that’s exactly what it felt like. Some days I was like “wth am I doing?! I can’t do this!” And other days I was like “I got this MFer by the balls, I can SO do this!” I’m actually really proud of myself for how I handled it all. I think I was fuelled by a mixture of anger, defiance (who the hell does he think he is?!), disbelief, hurt, and disappointment. Hell hath no fury, no fury!! Left him at the airport, and left him in his sick little world. Bye Felicia

        • Brilliant! Love it! I felt bad about not telling my friends either and sure knew I had good friends when they let me know they trusted me to do what was best and understood that I could not tell them. I reached them after my move as soon as I could. I felt good – and horrid at the same time -when one good friend met me at a gathering with my ex beside me and asked about my upcoming visit to my daughter in another city. That was my cover story. Her asking about this helped put my STBX at ease. Whenever he was nervous he expected a lot of extra attention. Best that he remain complacent and out of my hair! It was a horrible time of not getting much sleep. It helped that he slept like a baby and didn’t notice. Ironically, he claimed he slept well because of his clean conscience. What conscience? LOL! In general, he kept a pretty close watch on me and I was lucky to be able to transfer the most important family history to my daughter and that’s about all. It was tight planning. It took two days to get out of the country from my remote location and the last thing I needed was his nightly call to say “I love you” (keeping tabs) and discovering me not home and getting suspicious and finding me at the airport at the city he was in! That’s why I was ‘going to my daughter’ in the other direction! Once on the way, I got through security as early and as quickly as possible and waited hours and hours where he wouldn’t be able to get to me! I know Chump Nation is advised not to let the cheater know we know, but it’s hard! When a marriage is abusive and heading for the rocks before cheating is known (and it looks like it usually is), it’s hard to strike the right balance. It felt very strange to have the same old arguments and pretend we were getting somewhere when I had tickets and passport ready to go!!!

          • So glad you got out! I mainly chose to remain quiet and not let him know about the cheating because my children are still little and he often threatened to “take them off” me if I were to ever leave him. We were living in a country where the man would get the children in the event of family breakdown. He was mentally, emotionally, financially abusive and very controlling. I felt stuck. The only way to get out safely was to lay low. But like I said, he was never home and wasn’t interested in spending time with me or the kids. I would even have to feign squabbles with him over him working too much, even though I didn’t give a shit as it gave me more time to pack and do all the sneaky shit I had to do behind his back to get out of the country safely with the kids. Also feigned sympathy for his having to “work crazy hours”, I pretended i cared about him not getting enough sleep due to “working excess overtime”, bahahaha! Had to keep up the act so he wasn’t suspicious. Oh lord, the evidence I discovered would blow your mind. It was like every day I found out something new, either from the disgruntled staff member (who at this point was regularly messaging me to let me know his every move, haha!) or from my own snooping at home. The months I had to endure, it was crazy. I would find out certain things and it would just gut me. Then it would fire me up. Then I would find out something else and just couldn’t believe it, was he really capable of THAT?! And when the evidence proved that he was, there I was gutted again. Right up until I left, I was finding out new things about him almost every other day. Talk about living with a total stranger!! Serious case of double life. I refused to be part of it any longer. But, I had to be super careful, like I said. Toward the end, he was in so deep with one hooker, she had become his mistress, he paid her monthly. And I think she was becoming more demanding of his time. Or he was just enjoying being up to his balls in cheap pussy. He was hardly around. Even on our last night before “going on 6weeks holiday” he didn’t come home for dinner to spend time with us. He came home about 11.30pm, long after the kids had gone to bed, and promptly started watching TV. I haven’t seen him since May. Awesome! Have been to court over custody in our home country and the kids are in my care. Have court orders in place to prevent him from taking them out of my care and also out of the country. He can’t do anything! Didn’t even have to face him in court because I live in the countryside and my lawyer had permission to attend court by teleconference. So, he flew in to the country and attended court in person in the city, while I attended by teleconference from my lawyer’s office in the countryside. I’m not scared of him, but happy I didn’t have to face him as I was just tired of his BS by that point and didn’t care to see his lying face. I wouldn’t have been able to hide my anger. Im still angry with him for breaking up our children’s family unit. But hey, they’re thriving back home now and enjoying all that life has to offer. I’m lucky o have an awesome family that is giving them all the love and attention they need.

            • Marvellous. I’m very happy your gutsy move worked. I had to fake fighting, too LOL. I wonder if there’s a Chump course on How to Pretend Normalcy While Lining Up Ducks?

              • In the beginning I found the fake fighting and such a little stressful. I would walk away shaking a little, hoping he wouldn’t pick up on my fakeness, but he never did! He had checked out of family life long before, so paid little attention to us. The acting became easier. He turned me into a good liar! Which is not my personality at all, and I even had counselling to get past that once I was home. Because for months I had to act like another person, lie and be devious. Made me feel like I was no better than him. But, I was reassured by therapist many times that I was just doing “what I had to do to get the kids and I out safely”. The acting and false conversations had become quite entertaining toward the end. I would sit opposite him and silently marvel at the sheer audacity he had to brazenly lie to my face time and time again, all the while preparing in my head the next sentence to keep the fake comversation going. Sometimes it was like watching a movie, like it wasn’t even my real life going on around me. Sometimes felt like an out of body experience. But you know what?…I’m so glad I had this experience. It really taught me a lot about people and character. I no longer look for the perceived GOOD in people, I look for the REAL.

  • Maybe I shouldn’t say this as it hasn’t happened yet, and there’s many identifying details in here…

    But Shitbox stole two iPads from a previous employer. Of course, he’s demanding them back. I don’t want stolen goods, as useful as they may be. So I’v decided to give them to a children’s hospice – for children with life limiting illness. Of course, I don’t want this to ever come back on the hospice, if the serial numbers have been logged, so I’ve contacted a Director at his previous employers to seek permission.

    In addition, he stole a Helly Hansen outdoor jacket from a random girl in a bar. I’m going to give that to a homeless female. I live near London, where there are a lot of people sleeping rough – and it’s very cold right now. I want to put right the wrong he did to others.

    Everything else I’ve given back to him. Everything precious, I’ve left untouched. I don’t need the aggro from doing anything against his belongings. It’s cleansing to get rid of it all.

    Oh the one thing he asked for back recently – some Christmas decorations that his parents had bought. Erm, what about your children having enjoyment of them?! So petty. As petty as him asking for a set of wine glasses in his ‘chattels’ list. A set of wine glasses! Seriously!

  • Since I kicked him out on DDay 1 when I found out about the main AP, then over the weekend through research found out much more – I piled all his clothes and toiletries in the garage and locked up the house. He was supposed to come by and get clothes for the week put I texted him on his way to tell him was all there. My mom and I watched through the window while he called his mom and whined about it. Then he took only the minimal stuff he needed and asked me to put the rest away “so the kids wouldn’t see it”. Yeah right – shoved it to the corner and covered it with a tarp. He wanted nothing but his crappy old couches prior to settlement so let him have them. Wrote in the settlement that I’d pay for s month of storage and turned over keys and lease to him after that. Put every single thing in there with the help of my dad and brother so he couldn’t come and go as he pleased on his schedule and I could clear out one and done. Except the dresser and night stand he brought into our home from first marriage. Found out from wife #1 he undustrd on half the set in their settlement twelve years prior. His daughter – my amazing step daughter that I love like my own – had the other half in her bedroom at her mom’s so I gave her the two pieces to complete the set again. We jokingly said I should have asked him to deliver one weekend when he dropped my kids off then proceeded to their house to drop her off.

  • This is sooo timely.

    Mr. Sparkles has REFUSED to remove his things from the house because until the divorce is final, he “still has rights”. We co-parent, so I opted not the rock the boat.

    Still, it has been two years now… so, just a few weeks ago, I boxed up his books and had them waiting by the front door when he came to pick up our son and I had another couple waiting for him when he brought him home. I bartered the punching bag I got him for Christmas one year for the installation of a new hot water heater. And, just yesterday, I gave him our court date (next week!) and told him that he needs to have EVERYTHING out by then because his “rights” will be officially terminated and the house and its contents are solely mine.

    Anyone want to buy a garage filled with tools for home improvement projects that never happened?

    Cannot wait to be completely rid of his “stuff”… just one more step on the road to Meh!

    • Keep the tools and learn to use them, I took some of my ex’s tools to do that. Mind you he took thousands of our belongs and 10’s of thousands of vehicles, house trailer, motorcycle and snowmobiles over the last year..

  • I had it put in the divorce decree that he had until month/day/year to collect his stuff (w/police escort). Once his time expired, I started hauling it to the Salvation Army as donations. I’m still going through the last of the stuff in the garage. I’ve given myself a personal deadline for end of January. And, yes, he’s asked for his stuff after the deadline but I’ve ignored him. He’s not anybody special anymore.
    For those that decide to put their stuff in a storage unit, make sure you ask what happens first if they don’t pick it up. Oftentimes they will come after you for payment. It could affect your credit month after month before they determine it’s abandoned property and auction it off. In our county, that time is 6 months.

    • I forgot to add, the clothes he did come for had been in a pile by the door for a few hours til I had time to go grab some trash bags. Our dog (mine now) decided he didn’t take to kindly to being abandoned, went over to the pile, sniffed, and promptly pissed all over his clothes! Lol, I lovingly, like the good wife I was, packed them in the garbage bags, making sure he got every single item… especially the ones our dog left with his “gift.”

      • “Our dog … went over to the pile, sniffed, and promptly pissed all over his clothes!”

        Oh, how I love this! Do you think your dog had any sense of what was happening? I’ve never known a dog to pee all over clothes… it was almost like he knew!

        • Absolutely. He’s incredibly smart. My X put his hands on me, once. He I served himself between us and was barking at him. As we all know, they start treating us like shit towards the end. My dog kept getting nastier and nastier to X as he got nastier with me. He used to adore my X. To this day he hears the neighbors truck and goes running for the door, tail wagging and barking, thinking his human finally came back. It’s been 3 years. He loves him, but he was hurt by the abandonment. Stupid human man doesn’t deserve my fur babies loyalty nor his love.

  • As always, nothing distinctive about my ex.
    We generally decided together which kitchen appliances/utensils and furniture he would take. I was keeping the house, so the bulk stayed with me and the kids. Later a mutual friend said he complained that I had him take the “crappy” furniture and I kept the good stuff.
    ?? Whatever. He moved a year later and left most of it behind anyway.
    It was interesting to see what other stuff he took– it was still too raw for me so his parents helped him move when I was work. Wedding gift from MY aunt, he took that. Unique art pieces that I created, he took part of the set. Odd.
    Preschool picture of our son that was a Father’s Day gift… Left that. He had the photo albums for 6 weeks to scan pictures, I do not think he got much done,
    Last spring, three years after he moved out, he asked for all the power tools from the garage. Um, no. I simply stated those items stayed with the house three years ago. If he had asked two years ago, when he moved away, chumpy me would have handed some of them over. Now? Nope. Finally, the piece of family jewelry he gave me… He wanted that back for daughter. I put it in his jewelry box post DDay. I don’t have it, and I am not vindicative enough to keep something like that (esp since the symbolism is to protect you from inside and outside forces; he gave it to me to protect me…and look what he did!)

  • My DDay and his moving out were within a short time of his cancer diagnosis. He informed his children and me that he had been diagnosed with a rare form of prostate cancer and since I could not care for him the way he needed to be cared for was moving out to live out his “last days” with his TWS LUV”. He then took a large sum of money, bought a condo ( presumably for her to have after he was gone) and one weekend wanted the house to move out. I left with the kids. He packed everything in nice tidy boxes, labeled, and stacked in the now newly cleaned garage. We went through the home together when I got home, him so “politely” noting all that he had taken and how fair it was. Previously, I had taken all photos, kids art work, all that was valuable to me and driven it over to my mom’s and hidden it in her garage. I kept telling myself “It is just stuff, It is just stuff”. I so wanted him gone…He tried so hard during that hour to trigger pain in me, but I was NOT going to give it to him. He kept getting angrier and angrier that he was getting no reaction out of me. Two days later, he came with a truck and loaded everything up. I changed the locks and codes right after that. Several weeks later he was undiagnosed with cancer. True story. There had been a mix up. OOPS! I filed for divorce within a week. Best thing was, the lawyer said anything left in the house was mine. He didn’t have room for a wonderful old classic BMW convertible. ALL MINE!

    • Wow, he was really misdiagnosed?! Somebody upstairs with a good sense of humor was looking out for you – getting him out of your life for good. And he did it all of his own accord (wanting to spend his “last days” with his twu wuv, haha, then finds out he’s been misdiagnosed. Wow, if that isn’t quick karma then I don’t know what is!)

  • Xhole was a hoarder, like most of these cheaters seem to be. He refused to get all his crap out of the garage, backyard and shed. I was in the process of selling the house and needed it gone. I finally just threw stuff on the street. He came with a truck to get some of his junk, making sure to get everything that was worth anything. It took him days with him spending hours hanging out in the garage going through it piece by piece. Just another way to control the situation. I finally stopped that and dumped it all or sold it.

    The best thing I did for me was get rid of the junk and sell the house. Now he owns an even bigger house and has is filled to the brim while I live in a clean, simple, un-junked up paradise in the country.

    • Yes, I moved out too and it was the best thing I ever did. I knew I couldn’t live in the house we had shared for nearly 25 years with the stench of his betrayal hanging in the air. And the money I got for the house was so much more valuable than the house itself. I now live in my perfect little Craftsman cottage decorated just the way I like. And he got to keep the big house stuffed to the rafters with his crap.

  • Dday was October 12th, I chucked him out by the 15th. My bestie came over, and we took every last item of him clothing, every tchotchke (including all the new shirts and perfumes she had bought him-she was my SiL, so it didn’t seem THAT odd at the time, god was I a chump or what.) Bestie took it all to Mr Fab’s new place. Including the six guitars I had bought him over the years, none of which had been played.

    There was stuff left over, though, furniture, vinyls records, books, photos. I kept the books, he got the records. He deliberately helped himself to volume 1 out of all my major fantasy trilogies. The joint account was still open then, so I got it all on Kindle, and sent him the books, LOL.

    It was hard to sort out, but I got rid of pretty much ever trace of him. Kiddo has a couple photos of him on her wall, but I ignore it.

    I kept all the ‘me’, things, and whenever Mr Fab did negotiate about something he saw as valuable -his manner bearing a slight resemblance to a tangerine-hued politician we all know-I made sure to never let show if something DID mean something to me. Even if that something was “I can sell this for a coiple hundred bucks and use it for the get-the-fuck-out-of-dodge-fund”. If he asked for a specific item, he had 24 hours to collect it.

    As George Carlin said, a house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it, which is true. Watch his routine about what power ‘stuff’ can have over you if you let it. It was painful to do, but like I said, I kept all the real stuff, all the good stuff. Like ME. And the Kiddo.

    Getting rid of Mr Fab’s stuff made room for me in my life. We all have too much stuff anyway.

    The biggest item of ‘stuff’ I was glad to give back to Mr Fab was his own sorry ass!

    Happy Monday, Chumps!
    x-Meh

  • My STBX walked out last December. When the kids and I were putting up the tree, we just boxed up his ornaments instead. My son tried to give his dad the box to which he replied that he didn’t have anywhere to put them.

    I then added it to the pile of stuff in the garage he came to get in the spring.

    This Christmas, he starts asking where his ornament are. I told him they were with the stuff he took in the spring. He asked for them again, to which I texted, “If I come across them, I will let you know.”

    He then claims that they are not in any of those containers, so I simply copied and pasted the same text to him again.

    What I really wanted to text was, “Why don’t you just get new ones? You are good at replacing things of value with new”, but decided it wasn’t worth the slew of texts that would come back to me.

    Side note: Most of his ornaments are from vacations we took over 20 years. Seems bizarre to me that he would want to hang those on his tree with the AP.

    • The Coward sure wanted his ornaments, which I put into a box and gave to him. I did not break any of them, nor did I wrap any of them with gentle care. He seemed a little miffed. I’m just SURE he took better care of them when he got them back to his place. SURE he did.

      The weird thing is, the last Christmas we spent together, he was in the full throes of his affair. He lifted not one finger to get a tree nor to decorate a tree, but he did muster the strength and courage to criticize my efforts, as he lay on the floor (quite literally) playing video games and/or messaging the twat.

      This was de rigueur, of course, because he was allergic to effort.

      I like glass ornaments, he doesn’t. He let me know. I told him he was welcome to decorate the tree as he saw fit–I really meant it. He didn’t bother. I saw a picture of the Twat’s tree on FB once whilst pain shopping–FULL of beautiful glass ornaments, none of his ornaments. I’m pretty sure she hung his balls on the back of the tree not evident in the picture, though.

  • I love Ebay and I love the money I make even more! I also sold presents the OW gave him. I’d never admit to it though.

  • Wouldn’t it be great to see the look on the OWhore’s faces when these guys/girls come showing up with this weird crap at their doors? Priceless.

    The cheaters have pretty much kept their true selves hidden from the ap. They’ve only shown what they want to show. Many of them have never seen the cheater around their friends, family, or in their spare time when they arent trying to impress them to get laid. What a rude awakening. You never know someone till you live with them. Not then, either, but you do find out what their disgusting habits are.

    Bet ex’s whore didn’t know he was in front of a “screen” (phone, TV, internet) from the time he opened his eyes in the morning until he closed them at night. What does a “fun” person like her who wanted to spend her entire life eating in restaurants and drinking in clubs think about that? What would she think about mr. Lazy’s nasty dwelling, cause he told her that i was the nasty, lazy one. Too bad it never happened cause they never progressed to a normal relationship, just fucking on the sly.

  • I threw everything on the front porch, and told him to come pick it up. Then, whenever I would find something else, I would put it on the porch….so, when he can to get the kids he could grab it. Took a month to get everything.

    • I do this too. I have a spot in the garage that I put things I come across. Then when he comes to see the kids, he takes his stuff. I cleared out most of it last spring but still run across things every now and then.

  • He was the last one living in our dream retirement home we had built just 2 years prior to D day.
    Got a call from the new owners when they were moving in on what should they do with all the stuff Fucktart left in the garage. I texted him and he texted back that he didn’t know what to do with it, didn’t have room for it…blah blah blah… (basically once again, “I left my shift for you to clean up”)… So my sister and two adult kids went over and sure enough it was full including the mattress that WAS ours that he had screwed his little whore on, like id really want ANYTHING to do with it. Luckily there was a dumpster just a half a block down the street that the owner didn’t mind us using so that is where most of it went, they rest to Good will in town. Was really kind of therapeutic….. lots of cussing and slamming stuff in the dumpster hearing it shatter. I tried not to be TO vocal with my kids there but they are adults AND he left them too. Now my sister had a heyday!!!!! He or the whore had better not EVER cross her path!!!! (don’t you just love sisters!!!)
    Then anything I came across in the last two years of sorting thru what had come to my new home (had 36 years of moments and memories to sort thru), I ended up boxing up and sending via UPS to his and the whores new home, even though it was only 15 minutes from my house. The only items I sent where graduation year books (whore wasn’t even born when he graduated), his old family photos along with photos that had him and our kids in it. He hadn’t had any contact with them for two years but figured he could make the decision on what to do with them, and if he felt any twinge of what he threw away when he looked thru them…… TO FUCKING BAD.

  • My ex was still living in our house after DD and sleeping in our bed (I was in the guest room). Every morning after he showered and left for work I would use his toothbrush to scrub the entire toilet inside and out. I even wiped cat feces from the litterbox on the doorknob to his bedroom but sadly he never contracted E-coli.

    • Jodi,
      I did that too with a cheater boyfriend’s stuff. He thought he was clever having his sex buddy stay at his place while I was away — she made the mistake of leaving her pink toothbrush and makeup in a box at the back of a bathroom cupboard. I made sure it was all duly given the “toilet” treatment and replaced for her to use again.

  • My XH was a pack rat – just like his family. He’d hoard stupid stuff like magazines and receipts (for worthless things like gas). I had something like 9 lbs of receipts that I had to have professionally shred because my shredder broke trying to go through this crap.

    XH would send email threats that he was coming to get his stuff on “x” day. He would never ask if that was ok with me. I would tell him that it would be perfect for him to come on “x” day as my dad would be visiting during that time (my dad is in law enforcement). Ex would inevitably chicken-out. After I moved out of the residence, I contacted his attorney and told him to get his remaining stuff out of the house. We were trying to sell the house and it looked like we abandoned the house with the good furnishings (mine) gone. It took him 4 months to remove his stuff, whereas I would get threats about him removing his things all the time while I lived there.

    When XH first left, it was the “I’m confused and unhappy.” “There is no one else.” I packed his stuff neatly into new boxes, labeled and stored in the garage. Once I found out about the whore, I just put his shit in the dusty garage. No boxes, no bags. Just piles of his crap.

  • There was a lot of “trash” accumulated in the 32 years of marriage to cheater pants. Happy to report its been a year since divorce was final, he officially is XH. Anyway, when he moved out secretly like a coward while I was shopping, he mistakenly thought he was going to be able to waltz in and out to collect all his goods. Wrong!! Locks were changed and a restraining order was put into place.

    On one of the first court dates I was ordered to give him the things he has listed that he
    needed from the house.
    1. Tools associated with his work (no problem, he had taken most of this when he left)
    2. …………………..HIS ACHIEVEMENT PLAQUES and such hanging in the office. REALLY! The rest was stupid stuff. He never asked for pics of his children, grandchildren. family etc.

    I gladly collected all his narc goodies in a black trash sack and set them out for his collection. I threw in the plunger figuring it was a TOOL. Later I discovered things he had removed before he left were, special coffee cups, frozen beer mugs, can opener, WTF. I shredded anything that was his in the office, i.e. truck titles, tax crap, passport, birth certificate, and loads of files. Hey this shit belonged to a ‘stranger’ that had invaded my home.

    He has never set foot in the house (now mine) again and NEVER will. I saged and prayed out all his toxic bad juju and can happily report he is gone.

    • No, no, no, Tempest!

      Those are TOO GOOD. Go for dollar store generic bags, but do check to make sure they’re thinner than brand-name bags. (Some generics are thicker, believe it or not….)

      • True, but you want to make sure they’re strong enough not to break until they’re loaded out of the car the other end. Otherwise you need these (grateful nod to HLMHLMN):

        matches

  • The creepiest thing I threw out and now wish I had kept to show my attorney or police was a black bag of his that I found in the basement. Inside it were latex gloves, knives, some pieces of jewelry, and a full face ski mask (he wasn’t a skier, by the way). He had asked me about the bag after I threw him out of the house and I told him I had thrown it away. All he said was, “good”.

    I am haunted about that bag now and hate to think what it was for…….

  • Oh thanks for asking! This one is a good story! 😀

    So when I first kicked him out, he moved into the other half of the duplex that we had bought together. Fine. Great for the kids for us to be so close, right? [insert eyeroll]

    About a month after the divorce was finalized, he informed me that his girlfriend was moving in with him. “Not till you pay me the advance on equity that you owe me,” I replied. He paid that up in two weeks — fastest he’s ever paid what he owed me!

    So then his girlfriend (who, by the way, he met because she was a therapist at the sex addiction center where he went to “work through his problems” when we were “trying to save our marriage” — you can’t make this shit up!) hired movers to move all her stuff in. Cheater informed me that the movers could come and get his wardrobe from my half of the duplex, but he needed to come in and pack the clothes that were in it first. I told him he wasn’t setting foot in my house, no way, no how, but I would move the clothes.

    But I didn’t pack them. His duplex was under mine — the two units were on separate levels — and his porch deck was directly under mine. So I took the armloads of clothes out of the wardrobe and dropped them straight onto his porch. No big deal, no boxes or walking up and down stairs needed, easy peasy. LOLOLOLOL. That was the “meanest” thing I did to him but damn did it feel good.

    Of course, that made him so mad that I “destroyed his property” (by dropping clothes onto a deck!) that he then proceeded to break into my duplex when I wasn’t there and smash up my bedroom with a baseball bat. Oh well. At least that forced me to move out quickly (i.e., overnight, with a court visit and discussion of a restraining order). Ended up with an amendment to my settlement that says I never have to tell him my address and all kid exchanges for visitation must take place in a public place. Not bad. Totally worth it for him to be legally forbidden from ever setting foot in my house.

    I also left all the junk and kid toys I didn’t want in a big pile in the middle of the room when I moved out. Sadly, he didn’t realize that all the toys he had picked out and bought for the kids (i.e., the very expensive electronic toys I hadn’t wanted them to own but which they and he had loved) were in that pile of “junk,” and he threw them out. Then he “had” to buy new expensive electronic toys that made it “impossible” for him to pay child support. Bummer. Any excuse to avoid child support, right?

  • I put all of his things in garbage bags and boxes a few weeks after I kicked him out and put everything in the garage. I was throwing the bags over the railing when my downstairs tenant came outside and asked me if I was throwing out some trash. I responded …”Yeah, you could call it that”. It still took the asshat over 4 years to come and get his stuff. And I had to ask my lawyer to ask his lawyer to force him to take his trash…I mean things…..He’ll, if you didn’t collect your stuff in years…it’s trash. He still left some stuff behind. I donated the clothing he left to charity as a deduction on my next years tax return…

    • Mine will just not leave! He lives in hotels as his job provides, he travels 24/7 as that is his job,

      He won’t get an apt. and whenever I ask about it he always answers, “Why do you even care? Don’t have to worry about me, I’m ok…”

      Then on his “off” days, either comes to the martial home ((sleeping in the den)) or complains about this is how it all ended 30 yrs later (( he had an affair)) … life on the road. Unhappy w life, life is too short, friends dying, worried now about being alone, and the biggest shit… “what is gonna happen if you ((me))get sick!”

      I hate it, I hate his comments, but I’ve nevered work, and he controls all $$$. We have lived separate for 6 years, me given an allowance, an apt in the city, – all bills paid, completely as it always was while married,…
      as a good friend tells me, ” it’s what comes evening taken care of…”

      • Susan–wouldn’t it make you feel better, and allow you to move on with a new life, if you stopped being financially dependent on him? You could probably get a settlement that would allow you to take an entry-level job without tremendous financial worries. Six years of limbo can’t be good for the psyche.

  • I was super chumpy. I packed up all his shit and delivered it nightly to his brothers house after I dropped my dd at her swim lessons. But I left it outside, just inside the fence – they were hoarders. If I had to do it over, I would have bagged it and left it on the porch. He took his clothes, computers, coins, music and DVDs. Left all kid momentos and cards etc. Priorities

  • Why don’t they get their stuff? I just don’t get this….oh right…my XH moved in with the OW#2 (into a house they bought together while we were still married) so why would he need anything, when she’s already set up his new household?

    After a year or so of waiting…(he’d moved on from OW2 and into a new place)… one long weekend, I sorted through everything, divided it and also boxed up his personal stuff. I also moved and neatly stacked everything into the living room of his new house. (Yes, he had given me a key.) His reaction was not thankful – but rather “where is the remote for the TV?”.

    He had agreed to be responsible for the removal of the 8-seat outdoor hot tub. Every week I had to bug him to confirm when he was going to remove the bloody thing. It took him ages to finally do it. Post DD2, it was a constant reminder and a huge monument to his infidelities. I hated that f**king hot tub.

    Two years later, EX requested the flat screen TV — because — before this he didn’t have any place to put it. I said no. You just can’t make this sh*t up.

    Newbies, the best suggestion I have ever heard is to pack up their stuff and move it to a storage locker. Bill it to them.

  • The Coward packed up his pickup truck twice with most of his belongings, the day before Mother’s Day, and two days before our youngest son’s birthday. He took some things I would have liked to have kept, but, meh! Just stuff. Other things I did remove from his boxes. There was a blanket that we bought at Ikea, for example–he’d been SO ANGRY with me when we bought it, because it cost 40 whole dollars! For once I insisted (with a great deal of guilt, of course,even though $40 is NOTHING compared to what he had been spending on himself.) It’s a lovely crimson red, and he thought he could just have it, after all the shit he gave me over it. I swapped it out for a different blanket. He had all day to move his crap into his luxury apartment that his mommy had set up with new furniture. I didn’t help him AT ALL, which was very unusual for me. I did, in my crazy pain, taunt him for being such an asshole the whole time he packed. I just couldn’t believe what was happening, and hoped that one of my barbs would land in his brain and he would realize what he was doing, and stop, and turn around, and beg for forgiveness, and we would be a whole family again, yadda yadda yadda.

    Nope. (Thank GOD.) The power of Meant To Be was too great.

    Two days later, our son got a card that The Coward had been keeping in the top drawer of his dresser for months. I guess it was handy. It said on the front, “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” instead of “Happy Birthday.” I’m sure the cliche spoke to The Coward, and so he’d picked up the card as a keepsake, to remind himself of how noble his cheating and abandonment really was, because, you know, not all who wander are lost. Or, who knows–maybe the Twat bought it for him, and he re-gifted it.

    What an absolute FUCKER. My heart broke for my son. Not only was his asshole “dad” too busy to drop into any one of 5 stores within a mile radius to buy an actual birthday card, he had to really stick in his kid’s eye that It’s All About Me–Not All Who Wander Are Lost, son, so have a nice day, and I’ll be at my apartment with a twat who’s more important than you. (Call me!)

    Over the next few months, I started keeping a series of collection boxes in which I threw miscellaneous of his shit, which I would put on the front step for him to take whenever he picked up the kids for their semi-monthly dinners. These were things like a map of Oahu that I’d found, which I realized he’d bought for planning a trip with the Twat. (He’d said that he was traveling alone because work was so stressful, but the map–that damned map–it was a heartbreaking reminder that he’d been there with HER instead of with our family. It went into the box.) He hated that I did that. I don’t really know why. Maybe because I didn’t pack the boxes with loving care? Maybe because I didn’t deliver them myself? Maybe because picking a box up off the front porch reminded him of what a loser he is? I don’t know. Maybe it was because I would text him to tell him he had a box on the front step, and also that he was a dick. That was before NC, what can I say. I have my dignity back now.

    Purging is awesome, I learned. I had so much more space! And none of his crap! I grew to love the purge boxes! More space! Less crap! Fuck you! In the box!

    I only regret that I used boxes instead of cheap black plastic bags.

    I kept his small set of weights that he left here. My arms look great.

  • I had been going Thur stuff for goodwill shortly before I found out.
    Bags by the front door that I’ve begged him to help take away.

    I was so furious the night I found it, …I threw him out, he yelled “I don’t have anything,” I grabbed the goodwill bags threw them at him , yelled back, “you do now!”
    And slammed the door and locked it.

    Saw him then on the phone from the window texting….

  • I think a lot of cheaters don’t want any reminders of their old lives as they reinvent themselves and move into a new realm. So they abandon literally everything. Their brains are not right. They think they can be something entirely different in an instant. But their past chases them, because, rationally, they can NOT just leave every aspect of their former selves behind.

    I bet they have a lot of nightmares.

    • Just shows how they have no feelings or attachments to any body or anything. They can just detach from their whole life history. Schmoopie will eventually find out what an empty soul he truly has.

      • ElleB – They do not have feelings or attachments to anybody or anything. I mentioned above I found my STBXs journal from rehab years ago. He says people are objects. He cannot love. People are objects to be used for his gratification. He resents being told what to do. If you tell him to do something, he’ll do the opposite. He would say, “You’re not the boss of me!” And I was telling him to sit down for dinner! I read a text from his gf to my daughter. GF was asking my daughter to request something from her dad because, as GF noted in the text, if she were to request that he do this thing – he will not do it.
        So she’s getting a taste of his insanity. And there’s a lot more where that came from!
        Happy co-habitating with a soulless psychopath. What the OW doesn’t know is that all the dirty cruel treatment her booboo is dishing out to his wife and kid – that will all her hers someday. That’s who he is. She is not immune from it. Wait until his infatuation is worn out. And Schmoopie will find out what an empty soul he has.

    • Stephanie, this is my ex to a TEE! My ex not only dropped me and (mostly) the kids, he dropped ALL our family friends, his only two friends, all the places he used to go and the things he used to do. Eventually he moved to OW’s city to live with her (until she dumped him, for another man, twice, I can’t stop repeating that part of the story!). Now he has a different girlfriend (he was apparently in a ‘serious’ relationship with her ONE WEEK after the second dumping – thanks, Match.com!), new place to live, new ‘friends’ (yeah, one day they’ll discover how he treats his friends; he ghosted them big time, even the one guy who had been his friend for decades.). He now lives with a woman who ‘loves to shop’ (nothing against people who love to shop, but he was the BIGGEST snob about consumer society) and drinks Canadian wine (unimaginable!!!!!!!).

      He did admit, while trying to hoover me back in, that it felt ‘wrong’ to be having holidays etc with ‘her’ family, not his own. And apparently the first vacation they took together, which of course was to where we’d always gone with the kids, was pretty horrific. But he really felt he could just detach and move on, and I think if Schmoopie hadn’t dumped him, it probably would have worked pretty well. People are like Lego pieces to him. Slot one out, slot the new one in, all fine!

      • What a freaking weirdo!

        Just empty–vacuous. Nothing. No soul.

        So freaking creepy. And they look normal on the outside. (Mostly, at least to the untrained eye.)

  • Once our house sold, I put all of XH’s stuff into one room for him. I did all the sorting and organizing (as I had always done). I packed all my stuff and arranged for the movers for me. He did nothing. On moving day he was carrying items one by one to his car and driving these disorganized loads to his new place. I just ignored him and moved with my movers. I assume he was out when the purchasers moved in, but never heard anything further. I later sorted pictures and some other paperwork and mailed him a couple of large Manila envelopes. He emailed that he was “hurt” that I got rid of everything to do with him. We still both own our cottage and over the now almost 6 years we have been apart, I have a few times left things at the cottage for him that I no longer want. He has taken them with no comment. So, it was pretty clean in the end.

  • Within in days of X wandering off “to clear his head,” I ordered a large pack of boxes from usedcardboardboxes.com (using the joint MasterCard) and went on a marathon 12-hour packing spree. I packed every fucking thing of his in the house, including the trash and used tissues all over his computer desk. He’d taken his computer, but left his wedding rings. I kept those either to give to the kids or pawn.

    Then I stacked all those boxes (58 of ’em) in the garage. When I ran out of boxes, I just stacked random crap on top of the boxes. And there it all sat for, I’m not exaggerating, 18 months. Whenever I got pissed about him, the OW, or anything at all really, I’d go out to the garage and dump some stuff into the trash. Finally, his lawyer contacted mine and I was advised to contact X directly to pick the stuff up. My dad helped me move it from the garage to the driveway and X rented a truck. He showed up alone and loaded the truck — then called me *from the driveway* about some boxes of “collectible” toys he’d accumulated, saying “Those are for kids #1 and #2.” Nah, dawg, those are for you to sell and give the money to the kids — I know less than nothing about 90’s-era Star Wars toys. (He later tried to con kid #1 into cataloging and selling the toys for college tuition money. Still a fuckwit.)

    He then sent inquiries through the lawyers for more than a year about the most off the wall stuff: where’s my baptismal certificate? (Married more than 23 years, I never saw it. And, BTW, what good is it now that you’re a DIVORCED, lapsed Catholic?) Where’s my D&D something-or-other? Fuck if I know (or care). Seriously, WTF with this nonsense?

  • He kept picking things up in dribs and drabs, saying he’d pick stuff up then not arriving etc. So eventually I sent him a text. “Your stuff’s in the garden. By the way, it’s on fire”. Surprising how fast he could move when it was too late. Hahahahahaha!

    • Glitterfluff
      Fabulous name BTW.
      You just made me laugh out loud. My first laugh all day. Funniest ever post. I love that text! Hahahahaha.
      Chump nation is the best.

      • Oh Capricorn, now that I am waaaay out of it, there is actually so much to laugh about. I really do wonder what the hell I was thinking with all the pick-me dancing and ‘being the bigger person’. The fire was completely out of character, but I have never ever regretted it – or the text, even though he used it to ‘prove’ I was crazy. He didn’t exactly look sane himself, fishing burning stuff out of the fire and throwing it at me 😀 Ironically, I used the ‘chiminiere’ that he’d ‘bought’ me – it was a metal dustbin with holes in it, like homeless people stand around to stay warm, and he’d probably got it skip-diving. What a catch he was……

  • I moved out of maritial home first and only took what I wanted.

    He had to deal with all his crap. Of course he has no room for kids memento stuff. Its in my garage, but I didn’t have to deal with his crappy taste in art and all his junk. So I escaped without having to deal with a bunch of his crap. Smartest thing I did.

  • My husband took all his personal stuff ( ie photos of his long gone schooldays but nothing of me or his adult kids. After three months sleeping on his mother’s sofa he moved into apartment just before Twinkle Twats imminent visit and so I got him to hire a van and got rid of all the old stuff I no longer wanted. Unfortunately I missed the hoarded papers in the loft, the bikes in the shed, the special wine tasting glasses. Still having bonfires after 6 years – who keeps bank statements for over 40 years? and the wine glasses were donated to charity. Bikes next. The only thing I regret was letting him ‘borrow’ his tool box which was never seen again. Wondering why he needed that as he wasn’t into DIY and it was a rented apartment. Oh well.

  • I chose to move out because I can’t afford our family home upkeep and taxes… We started fighting about every little thing I was taking whenever he noticed something was missing…even though the things were mine. So I learned to redecorate as I packed….I used his addiction to buying junk from auctions to swap things out with things stored in the garage, and he quit noticing, because, of course none of it means anything to him and he doesn’t know the difference. He just wants the house to look nice for OWs visits. I carefully split up sets of dishes, silverware, books, CDs, etc, pointing out the things I was ‘thoughtfully’ leaving behind for him and making sure my kids couldn’t crucify me for stripping the house. But I had some fun with it. The corner china closet has our 25th anniversary plate, a keepsake porcelain figure of a little boy on one knee giving a flower to a little girl (anniv. from him), and some other anniversary stuff to make his girlfriends barf… Our wedding picture and family pictures with all of us smiling like ‘one big happy’ hang on the walls ‘for the kids’ to keep things looking like home when they visit… OW is a family friend so she has been around for years and should get an extra special twinge out of that. I don’t have room for everything in my place, so decided to leave my wedding stuff behind. But since he just HAD to keep the oak cedar chest in our bedroom (which had only my stuff in it), I filled the chest with our wedding souvenirs, including my wedding dress laying on top laid out like the ghost of his dead bride has just evaporated from it. Looks fabulously creepy when you pop the lid open. A dried bouquet and sad little garter keep it company… I hope OW loves that one when she starts snooping…. My final gift to OW is the book I propped up on the shelf by the bed (he hasn’t noticed it yet but it’s on her side, so she will)…..It’s titled “Nasty People, How to deal with them and Not Become One”. That book was my first inkling that I was in a nest of Narcissists. I smile when I think of it sitting there facing the bed…He tried to keep my ski gear and dive gear saying “you’ll never use them again and our daughter can have them”. OW is my size and wants to do both…Coincidence?? The silliest thing I’ve done?? He got to keep the baby grand piano. I play (poorly). He can only play 1 piece. I sorta made his only piece of sheet music disappear in a fit of pettiness… Considering the idiot bimbos he is chasing after, I should have left it sitting there on the piano. The title… “Send In the Clowns”…

  • On Dday, cheater took just his clothes and toiletries from the house vowing that we would get through this so that was all he needed.

    A week later, when he was moving into his new apartment, I told him to take whatever he needed to set up his new place. He took a few dishes, glasses, pots/pans, extra couch, spare bed, etc. but said he didn’t need much because we were going to get through this and he didn’t want D and I to do without anything.

    Months later, when wreckoncilation was tanking, I packed up more of his shit, left it on the front porch and told him to pick it up. I also offered other furniture to him to sell or keep if he wanted it but he turned it down.

    At some point, I did give him access to the garage so he could have an old car of his that didn’t run towed to his new place. Of course, he took other things from the garage on this trip but fortunately nothing I wanted or needed.

    During the divorce process, he was told to provide a list of what he wanted from the house. His list of 5 things was of stuff he already had or things that were his that I would never want to keep. Once I gave him the other things and a bunch more he didn’t remember were at the house, I sold, gave away or threw out everything else that I didn’t want to take with me to my new home.

    Throughout all of this, he of course has bad mouthed me to our daughter and others saying I kept things that were his, I took everything and he got nothing, etc. Lies, lies, lies. The one item he raised a big fuss over? A turkey fryer that was in the garage when he got his car but that didn’t take with him. That turkey fryer hadn’t been used in years so who knows why he wanted it.

  • Since my cheater ex was penniless when I took him in, basically everything he had was purchased by me. My rage upon discovering his year long affair with a colleague stayed submerged until the day I executed his kick-to-the-curb. Even now, five years later, it brings a smile to my face to think of my self-control at the time. I watched and planned for two weeks after d-day, and then proceeded to lock him out of the house.

    I then packed up and garbaged all of his stupid Peter Pan hobby crap (he painted miniature warcraft fantasy figures, Dr. Who figures, erotica — the most weird and cringeworthy stuff) and displayed it all on shelves in “his” room wherr he spent hours painting. In fact, he was chatting with hunny in that room, and trawling the internet for callgirls. He was a huge drama queen, full of shite, so self-important in a little-boy kind of way. To be honest I found him embarrassing and although I felt insulted when he cheated, I now realise how fortunate I was to “lose” him from my life. He was a money drain and very sinister.

    I also greatly enjoyed putting his clothes in a bin for African charities. Only the absolute crap stuff — old broken belts and narly shoes – did I have delivered to his workplace reception desk in black garbage bags. No charity would have wanted that stuff! I got,a receipt from the receptionist so that when he later came around with the cops to get his “stuff” I showed them the receipts. The cops smirked and ex just complained and whined until the cop told him to get over it. I am so glad I took away everything he thought he had scored by living with me, since I concluded it was the only reason he was with me in the first place.

  • Was pretty easy. We separated and he took most of his stuff. I was clueless, so I gave him also all kind of household items.
    Then I found out he’s living with the babysitter…
    Each time he returned the baby, he found his stuffs in bags by the door.
    When I moved out and was left to clean it all by myself, I spent 1 night going through papers. Filled 2 boxes of stuff for him and left them in the storage. He picked them up from there. He didn’t even show his face.
    I’m not sure if he was ashamed or just hating me. Who cares?
    Now he reminds me from time to time in an angry email how he didn’t have the chance to go through his stuff. Sorry boy, that ship has sailed. You’ll get your chance when you’ll kick to the curb the prostitute you’re involved with. Or who knows? History might repeat itself…

  • During divorce and Armageddon of purging, (300 hours of clean up – 340 hours marketing/painting/sale) –
    – I gave him his “historical” crap. In fact, as I cleaned the basement (48 hours) we set up empty boxes and slam dunked his bizarre childhood/college crap into them. 18 HUGE boxes of garbage later, he requested photographs – my sister and I spent 8 hours locating/combining/boxing 30 years of photos — he got his wish – a shoebox full of every solo photo we owned – I did not keep one. I did not alter nor mar any.

    I did keep family photos, couples photos – I refused to give crazy OW something to destroy. I packed rolling locker with them – gave it to daughters. It is their history – THEY can decide who gets what later…

    He was distraught (forever the victim!) that he got no “family photos”. Later complained the entire shoebox (hundreds of prints of himself) all had holes in them or were destroyed. OW DID apparently get at that shoebox – did exactly what I thought she would..

    So glad I kept all the family ones away from her.

    • I mean I gave him pictures that only had him in them – no kids, no family – none of me.
      Exactly what I thought she may do — she did.

  • Mine looked like Steven Martin in “The Jerk” while he limped along in his dirty outfit dragging his sad sack boxes out of the house. “I just need this lamp, this old phone book and this dog” *dog growls* “ok, not this dog”

  • I’m the one who left. When we were discussing how to get MY stuff, I had to make a list of everything I wanted back. If it wasn’t exact – Judas wasn’t going to give it to me. The list stated ‘gardening statues,’ ‘pictures,’ ‘lawn furniture,’ and ‘kitchen table.’ That is what I got – the kitchen table without the matching chairs, 3 of 8 outdoor chairs, a few garden statues (only 1/20th of the gardening stuff I owned), and a few pictures. Asswipe insisted on keeping the kid’s grad pics even though I paid for them. I’m quite certain he gave all my gardening nick nacks away, and I got none of the photo albums – including the scrap book my grandmother gave me when she died. I thought my kids would just slowly grab ‘MY’ stuff from the house and bring it to me, but I haven’t seen any of it. Oh well. I will just keep Judas’s dead brothers last pictures he took from my camera and hold on to them for safe keeping until I get my shit back. I’m not sure if Judas knows I have those pictures in my possession, but I would think that would mean a lot more to him (and his bitch mother) than my grandma’s scrapbook.

    • So sorry, Ladystrange.
      Think that it is just stuff. You get to move into a new life with less baggage. It’s liberating.
      And those stuffs that remind you of him? Nobody needs that!

      I stayed and did the sorting. Sleepless nights. I had to relocate to a different country, so I sold everything I could.
      I still need to copy 10 years worth of pictures. Just for the sake of memory. But I know I have no wish to look at them.
      Whether we left or stayed, we have all been robbed of our history. That hurts the most I think.

  • I dragged 4-5 carloads of stuff to a storage locker in the middle of a polar vortex, sub-zero temperatures plus wind. I carried it all myself, unloaded it all myself, and packed it in the storage locker. I paid for 2 months, figuring I made the call to get the stuff out of my house and by mid-February the weather might improve. Sent him a cordial letter by snail mail, along with the key, all of the paperwork, the combination to the storage facilities gate. I asked him to let me know if he was going to renew the lease and to return the $20 lock when he was through.

    A few days before the rental agreement was up, I emailed him to remind him about the locker and suggested we have dinner to get some “closure” on what had happened. The response came on Valentine’s Day. It was brutal. What I get for breaking no contact. He had his stuff and said he would send a “crew” to pick up the big items still in my basement. My great fear was that the “crew” would be MOW’s 3 kids. But of course, no truck, no crew ever showed up. I got the ugly, heavy used coffee table out this fall. This week, one of MY crew is coming to help me carry out the sofa and the recliner. 39 months and counting. He’s such a lazy-ass coward.

    He still has a bunch of my container-type stuff. I’m never getting it back, that’s for sure. My advice? Send 30 days notice and when lazy-ass doesn’t show up, call the truck from Salvation Army or Goodwill.

    • It never ceases to amaze me how they turn nasty to US when they’re the ones who strangled the relationship with dishonesty. The only advantage is that it convinces us that no reason or compassion can be squeezed out of a cheater, faster than we might otherwise become convinced of that fact.

  • And that’s not to tell of packing my XH the drinker’s stuff, including a massive cleanup of his basement hoard. Only females in this house now, me and the cats.

  • I’ve gotten better at this. I send a written request for their stuff to be picked up, itemizing as much as I can. I then set a boundary; if not picked up by this date, it’s getting donated to the poor. Then IT IS. Ahhh, that felt good.

  • Wedding dress — Went to Goodwill, with a note that said “May the next wearer take her vows more seriously than the previous one.”
    Dozens of Beenie Babies — Donated to needy kids
    Clothes — Goodwill.
    Lots of leftover makeup, never worn for me (but presumably for AP) — Trash
    Box of pictures and mementos from (previous) AP (yes, there was more than one) — Put into giant fire in the backyard fire pit. The smoke smelled wonderful.
    Work samples from job where ex met and screwed same AP — Also contributed nicely to the fire.
    Awards from job where ex met AP — Smashed with hammer, then put into fire.
    Books — Donated to used bookstore; ones that store refused made second fire (I hate the thought of “burning books,” but this wasn’t censorship).

    Whenever I am asked for all the stuff that she left, I give an honest answer.
    Her: “Do you have those samples of my work from years ago? I need them for a job.”
    Me: “No, I’m positive I don’t have any samples of your work.”

  • He packed all of his shit. He even went into my jewelry box and took his high school class ring. Too bad I would have sold it for the gold. He wedding ring was in his junk drawer. He took all his tools and wanted half the old towels and pots and pans and one recliner he always sat in. but never once mentioned any of the pictures. I have every single album, photo, baby book, everything. He has never asked for any of them. I put in the divorce I wanted the photo frames of my kids from 1st grade to senior and senior portfolio. He never asked for any. I still can’t believe that he never wanted any photos, who does that?

    • Mine, too. Pretty sure his mother made him put it in the divorce decree that he gets half the pictures. I said fuck that. I told him I would pay $100 toward him having all the pics digitally scanned. He signed off on that and never asked for any pictures.

  • He took what he wanted when he left. Then proceeded to break into the house and business for things he “forgot”. Once the alarm systems went in place he couldn’t get anything else. He left behind his family pictures, so, I packed them up and sent them to his parents, sister, nieces along with a note telling them I hope they would enjoy the memories. Funny, they all got insulted that I didn’t want pictures of them. He told me later I hurt them terribly. Isn’t that a shame…

  • I got lucky that we were living separately (but happily married in my mind) right before I found out. He had to move across the country so he moved all of our furniture (which they fucked on) and my clothes and my daughter’s toys along with him. My daughter and I moved in with his parents. As soon as I found out, I moved out within two weeks to the new apartment building a mile away from his parents’ and got all brand new furniture. So I really had a fresh start fast. And he brought our clothes back with him when he came back a month later to ‘apologize’. My daughters’ toys are all gone though and I never found out what happened to our furniture and my one Gucci bag and boots. Maybe he gave my Gucci bag to her – who knows. She can have it. And she can have him too.

  • My ex never threw anything away. He had a fabulous wardrobe of tailor made clothes because he was a Wall Street big wig you know, they all have mistresses. That’s what he told me. His suits were made in London and his shoes too. Well he had a whole closet full of fabulous clothes he abandoned. He never showed up for them. So a friend and I boxed them up put them in the garage where they sat for another year. Then we called Goodwill! The Goodwill store they went to had a lovely men’s selection when those clothes arrived! It felt so damn good to watch those boxes leave. Yes this ex was the man who complained in MC I didn’t wear designer clothing or enough makeup!! Just too funny! WTF I didn’t know not wearing designer clothing was a deal breaker after 30 years of marriage!

  • Mine is in the way out yet over the past year I’ve been chucking things to give me emotional detachment.

    Wedding pics? Burned. FB? Blocked. Pics in FB? Deleted. Cards and notes? Burned. Clothes as gifts? Donated. Expensive hand bags and trinkets? Sold. Mementos? Burned. Jewelry? Sold or chucked. When he’s out and the child with me? Phone and text block.

    He’s been pretty much erased from this household. It’ll make it easier once he’s thrown out.

  • 3 months separated I’m still waiting for him to take his stuff. I’ve been on a seesaw between angrily boxing it up and pathetically wanting the stuff to stay. I’ve had to do it all myself (he keeps saying he will but doesn’t). It’s almost all in the garage now, just 2 closets to go. At first I was hesitant to touch anything, in hopes he’d be changing his mind. Then when it was clear he’d had a OW all along, I started moving things to the garage in big midnight frenzies…”can’t sleep might as well take ACTION!” This briefly got him really flustered…”gee you sure seem anxious to move my stuff” he said, implying that this was a sign I’d wanted him to leave all along…goddamned blameshifting!! He would come to visit the kids and looked nonplussed to see the rooms rearranged, and me changing everything about the house that I’d wanted to for years. I pathetically saw his hesitation as a ray of light that maybe he WOULD return…he even told me to slow down the packing “just in case”. Then I discovered the next weekend lie…and lay…w the OW. I kept packing. I find something so distasteful about being surrounded by his stuff while he was off “dating”, it just felt gross and morally wrong. I honestly feel he wants to keep the stuff here as some sort of control or feeling that he COULD return if his OW gets boring. He says he’ll move the garage items once he gets a decent place. I suspect I’ll need to force that issue. In the meantime i’m handpicking a few new ski jackets out of his pile of overpriced clothing…

    • I feel the same way. He keeps talking about leaving and being w/ OW then suddenly things have changed on both sides. But then he sees her but then they are at an impasse. I want him to just blow up and die. Then I can sell his shit get the tiny tiny tiny life insurance settlement and move on. My heart will go on and on with him dead. That’s what I’m telling myself once he’s gone. That he died. Everything was great. Then he told me about d-day. Now we’re in this weird limbo Hell. So I just think of all the goodness up until d-day (he cheated then they didn’t see each other for two weeks). And then the rest of this time has nothing to do with the marriage. Once he’d fucked the whoremat he got very weird and distant so that part of the marriage doesn’t even seem real. It’s all the rest that is still in my mind causing me pain. Everything was good until it wasn’t for me.

  • I have been reading CL/CN for a few months now, and it has been my supreme solace. Aside from commenting in the forum last weekend, though, this is my first entry. I can’t begin to express my gratitude to Tracy and to all of you for being here, for being you…for crying, for laughing…You’re all so smart, so clever. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve been with more than one cheater, and even someone who may not have cheated, but was a horrible man to my children and me.
    And I’m even more embarrassed to admit how helpful I was (actually helped carry his industrial-size office copy machine up a steep hill in the snow along with all his other shit on move-out day, and then accepted a cheap steak dinner in his presence) in getting rid of their crap. One even had the audacity to consult me on the arrangement of the furniture in his new place. That, even for me, was too much. (Talk about pathetic boundaries.)
    I did, however, more than once, get the crap out of my house and into the garage or out on the drive (way too thoughtful in the way that I packed it, though) as soon as possible. If it wasn’t picked up at arranged time, it sat in the rain. One left kitsch, concert shirts, framed photos that he valued, but had forgotten about, and I was only too happy to drop several loads into the dumpster.
    And while I’m usually a person who would thoughtfully set a stray guitar pick aside, I was very happy to donate cheater’s beautiful suits, sportscoats, trousers, and classic overcoats (that I had so carefully chosen for him) to charity. When he asked about them *almost a year later*, I said, “Didn’t you pick those up already?…If I come across anything that’s yours, I’ll send it with the kids.” He never dressed well before me…I couldn’t give a flying f@#k how he dresses now.
    Sold my cheap engagement/wedding rings for a mere $100, which came in handy…and my second one for $900 (which, indirectly, I had actually paid for). And I’ve given away the rare, cheap gifts I’ve received from cheater(s). Gawd, my picker was so broken!!
    One of my better decisions was to never let the cheater back into the marital home (learned that the hard way, as my very poor divorce lawyer felt differently about the matter), no matter what. Soon after his departure, he wasn’t allowed past the front porch (and then, only to pick up the kids).

    • Welcome Annie! And hey, you’re not the first chump to thoughtfully pack up their crap. I *folded underwear* as I put it in Rubbermaid bins (not garbage bags, or bonfires, as it deserved).

        • I packed it all up in really nice boxes … but time passed and he didn’t come get his shit. I thought maybe in future I’d need nice moving boxes, so I unpacked it all, flattened the boxes and hid them. He’s on his own.

  • Hi, Annie, welcome. Yes, we are a thoughtful bunch. I, too, was very thoughtful as I slammed crap into Hefty bags, yes the original Hefty and not some cheap knockoff. My most thoughtful action on Dday when I was humming the bags into the garage, I yelled “DUCK, BITCH!” I know, I know, I need to learn to get tough. (pointing to rented halo)

  • This is not really a comment about getting rid of THEIR crap, but is about getting rid the stuff she gave me that holds meaning. One of the most cherished things bought for me by my ex during our marriage (an item later discovered to be a cheaters gift designed to mislead me during a years-long affair she was having at the time), now prompts that hated feeling in my stomach.

    In a continuing effort to purge things from my life that cause “emotional flashbacks,” I’m selling this item and donating the money to a cause I think important. This item needs a new start and, for me (a person who probably indulges too much in things symbolic), it’s a way of turning something that was meant for harm into something good – at least in my meaning-seeking mind.

    Oh, and to my ex, who made such a show over me getting this item, knew how I would interpret the gesture, and and fooled me so easily (again) by dangling the lie that she actually loved me, fuck you. No really, Honey, fuck you.

    Ok, now l’m good.

  • WHY I LEFT MY SHIT BEHIND …

    1. AP would freak if she had to rearrange her house for my shit.
    2. AP doesn’t know I have this much shit.
    3. AP doesn’t know I have a family. Shit! Don’t tell her.
    4. I would have to make some effort to come get my shit.
    5. I was thinking of coming back if it doesn’t work out with AP. Shit! I hope I don’t have to.
    6. I still own the house, so I can keep my shit there if I want to, like a free storage locker.
    7. I was planning to take my shit piece by piece, slowly and painfully, just like I withdrew my affection for you. I miss my shit.
    8. I’d have to sort through my shit before it lands in AP’s house or she’ll find something that she shouldn’t.
    9. I thought you would want to keep my shit as a reminder of me because I’m a special snowflake.
    10. Shit? I have shit?

    • #4 – just yes.
      #5 – him: “Maybe don’t move the big stuff yet; i’m thinking of moving back in because I miss the kids”. (No mention of missing me…)
      #6 – him: “I can keep my stuff here because I still help you pay rent. If you make me move it I’ll stop paying.”
      #7 – me: “this bit-by-bit moving out is torture! Just rip off the f$@king band-aid already!” Him: “But this is really hard for me too. I have to go through my ‘process.'” (Can somebody call a Waaaambulance for him please?)

  • Unfortuntely I can’t get rid of the crap yet, but now I have got some pretty cool ideas (and belly-splitting laughs) from Chump Nation for when the time comes. I specially like the idea of having dogs pee on clothes. But I think cat pee is far more effective, as cat lovers will know. And I know how to get cats to pee on the pile.

    • I can send my dog over. Why not have both dog and cat pee! He’ll if I’d known even half the depth of betrayal, I would’ve copped a squat and added more urine to the pile!

  • Oh that…..well that was easy for me, Over 10 years together I had a lot of ‘things’ he gave me, all very nice things. He was not tight or stingy. I gave every single piece of SHIT thing he EVER gave me back to him….literally! From socks to a Lexus and everything in between. I rented a giant cargo van and stuffed it from top to bottom and stuffed the back of that Lexus too. Drove from MO to OK in sleet, left @ 2am to get it to his main guy at the office (he owns his own biz) so not to make a big scene with everyone there to make the big DUMP!
    I have pride! I didn’t want or need any of his shit; I was not his charity case to keep it. Good fucking bye and it felt very very good! I’d do it all over again x10.
    I made an inventory of how many boxes there were, just like a business transaction, and gave it to his main guy there, who by the way, showed me more compassion as a human being that that monster every did.
    Bye fucking loser. I STILL HATE HIM!!! It’s the sneaky rat way he did everything that I hate about him. He’s NO GOOD. I feel for his 28 year younger bride to be, I really do. Poor girl.

  • Today is my first post, thank you Tracy, CL & CN! I found your site even before surprise divorce “announcement” was delivered in Feb 2015 (at a restaurant and served with the requisite ‘smirk’) I was mystified by STBX’s behavior after 29 years of marriage and googling narcissism. I also suspected he was seeing someone else (he works on the other side of the country) and asked point blank, several times, only to be told ‘no’. DDay didn’t occur for a few more months, when I uncovered his cell phone records, thousands of text messages, the bank statements, and the mapping of charges for weekends spent at AP’s house, outside of City. I have so many stories, but more on that later. Back to the point, HOW I GOT RID OF HIS SHIT: 2 weeks before Divorce Announcement he informed me that he’s purchased himself a slightly used Fine German Automobile! He had a friend and I pick it up from the dealer. So excited for himself! I could’t care less, but I did drive it a few times (he was still on east coast) and the check engine light came on. He announces he wants a divorce, I throw him out, he flies back to east coast leaving FGA in the driveway. I drive FGA again and the bumper fell of in the driveway, lol. After I picked myself up off the floor I got angry. Really Angry! I loaded up the FGA with everything that was his, cleaned out closets, ‘lost’ a few things, dumped it ALL in, not necessarily bagged or boxed so that there was only room for a driver. And I left a gun on top. Seriously.
    I did NOT leave it in a bad part of town with the key in it, nor shoot out the tires. Those thoughts never crossed my mind 😉 When he came back to get the FGA he hadn’t planned time to move his stuff! He was inconvenienced, so sad. Then he ‘hid’ FGA in his friends garage. It’s currently in one of his gf’s driveway… just a friend, right. The remainder of his SHIT, a full garage and specially built shed (tools/flyfishing/golfing/anything), didn’t disappear until the week before I sold the house. Couldn’t sell give most of it away, it went to the Ecocycle/Junk pick up. Of course, I was still cleaning up his mess.

  • I’d been meaning to downsize and simplify when our Stone Cold Abandonment Cheater left us after 18 years of marriage. This was my golden opportunity to De-Spouse My House and live more simply. Oh, the carloads of stuff that were driven to my favorite humane society thrift store! They just loved to see me coming. And what a lovely tax break I got that year! The kids and I enjoyed our healthy income tax return.

  • So many of the similarities struck me between our exes – NPD cheaters certainly do have a behavioral design pattern, don’t they? Mine was one of the hoarder cheaters. The entire time we were together, my house was overwhelmed with PreyingMantis’s stuff. An entire two-car garage was filled to the rafters with only a narrow passageway on the side so you could get to the chest freezer and into the house. Boxes upon boxes of things that were “incredibly precious family heirlooms” that were never touched our entire relationship. The entire laundry room and a sizeable portion of the family room downstairs was the same way. It was as if I was being choked by huge mounds of… STUFF. You couldn’t do anything that you used to do, because everywhere you turned, you were blocked. Not to mention the ever-changing rotation of crappy living room furniture.

    PreyingMantis made me get rid of my good quality furniture I had when we first got together, complaining “it doesn’t feel like I am a part of this house if my furniture isn’t being used”. The last set of log furniture that I never wanted in the first place, PreyingMantis planned to take back to the family farm and use with the latest Schmoopie! I thwarted that plan by having my brother take it all to the family cabin in the mountains; I later told PreyingMantis I had to sell it to pay bills.

    Once PreyingMantis finally moved out, there was so much junk left over. I sold the bed PreyingMantis and the Schmoopie had defiled – the mattress, 30 years’ worth of linens/comforters (over a dozen contractor size trash bags’ worth!), headboard, and frame. All the old bedroom furniture. Crappy cheesy secondhand artwork PreyingMantis had passed off to me as “new”. My triage went like this: If I could make money off it, I sold it. If it wasn’t worth the trouble of a listing, but the thrift store could resell it, it got donated. The rest got trashed. I didn’t even have time to burn or shred anything.

    I hired the college-age son of a good friend, which is about the smartest thing you can do. They’ll work for cash and be happy with it – and it spares your kids the worst of the purging-related trauma. He was Heaven-sent, I swear. We started with the basement, room by room, and cleared out anything that had belonged to the previous regime. We’d fill my van with load after load of crap to donate, and he’d even drive it down there, drop it off, and come back with a receipt. He had tons more energy than I had, and best of all, was completely emotionally disconnected from the conflict, which was probably the most helpful thing of all. I was so triggered during the process. However, he stayed calm, stable, and even had a good sense of humor about it all. I couldn’t have done it without additional (impartial) adult help.

    The process took a good 6 months; I treated it like a multi-phase project. I would budget a week or two to entirely clear a room. In the case of my room, it took almost 3 months from initial complete purge of PreyingMantis’s crap to fully reconfigure it. I was so overwhelmed at times, I would just brain dump into a task list app on my phone, or use Google Keep to take notes on stuff I needed to do next. I was so scattered and traumatized; it was the only way not to lose my marbles.

    However, I figured out why PreyingMantis was so keen to move all that junk so fast (unlike so many others). Seems that on the way out, a certain someone helped themselves to a good THIRD of my Christmas decorations! Some were valuable vintage items, but most were just the cheap generic baubles you get in bulk. It takes a special kind of sociopath to steal your ex’s holiday décor, then use it to set a warm and charming Xmas stage set when they next play house with the new Schmoopie. The level of planning and deceit they will engage in knows no bounds.

    P.S.
    To all Colorado chumps – we’re planning a shopping expedition so we can either replace what was stolen, start anew, or just create new and better traditions. Search in the forums for the discussion thread and our next planned brunch meeting!

  • One last thing I forgot – the social media purge! Phase One: Deleted all emails to/from ex. Phase Two: Deleted all text messages, voicemails, and Hangout/Skype/Messenger sessions. Phase Three: Removed all mentions from Facebook. Phase Four: Manually review and delete all photos that contain ex. Phase Five: Every day when FB does its Wayback Machine thing, look through every entry and remove all mentions/content not removed in Phase Three. Feeling so much less cluttered already! 😀

  • I helped a friend – I told her for every bag or box we filled Id buy her a drink…. by 6pm we were done and toasting a crap free life.
    Right now everything here is in legal limbo so I have boxes in stacked in the outside shed which is now HIS designated space.

  • April 1st 2016 (I kid you not!)

    After DD1 and 3 days into wreconciliation, I couldn’t get hold of Lusty McSparkles, who had left for work telling me he was going to a clients house to finish a job. After two hours of frustration waiting to hear from him to answer a question I had about a quote I was doing for him I called the client…. GUESS what? Not there. Hadn’t seen him all day. Hadn’t expected to see him that day.

    I called a friend who was a close neighbour of one of the suspected OW (there were actually three OW it turns out) and sure enough my truck was parked in her driveway (Mr McSparkles, a landscape contractor, just had a limited edition Classic Corvette Stingray – too good to use for work and no tow bar…. silly to waste money on a work truck when he could use mine). The truck didn’t move all day, and all day his phone was switched off.

    At 6pm he rang me to ask what was for Dinner (?!) and that he would be home in an hour – I informed him that as he was now my EX – there would be no dinner (after all, he’d already had desert!), and that if he knew what was good for him, he shouldn’t bother coming home and that I would be gone in the morning.

    I went strangely cold and stood in front of his prize possession (YES THE CORVETTE) with a cricket bat for a full twenty minutes…. and finally decided NOT to do that! Instead I went straight for his vanity… the clothes! I carefully cut one arm off each rediculously showy shirt, a leg of each pair of trendy trousers – he’s 62 for christ almighty’s sake – and the toes on every sock (I even re-folded the socks and put them back in the drawers – he doesn’t wear any underwear it makes him feel cramped!). It was amazingly exhilarating for an hour – then I realised what I’d done…

    I immediately drove myself round to the local Police Station and confessed my crime. The local cop who knows Lusty well (very small town), exclaimed “Lusty finally got caught with his pants down eh? We all wondered when he was going to get caught!” and chuckled – he then instructed me to go home, leave a note of apology and a promise to pay and to get the hell out AND TO STAY GONE. Which I did.

    While I got some admiring smirks from fellow chumps, and a degree of satisfaction about how upset Lusty McSparkles was at the demise of h