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What Did Your Sad Sausage Want Sympathy For?

The sad sausage self-pity channel probably provokes more Stupid Shit Cheaters Say than the other two channels, rage and “charm.” It’s kind of absurd for chumps to expect succor from the cheaters who gutted us, but it’s exponentially more ridiculous that cheaters want sympathy from chumps.

Really, dude, you want me to understand that you’re grieving your affair partner?

Is this a hard time for you? You feel pain too? No, wait — MORE?

Somehow after discovery you’re called upon to understand They Haven’t Been Happy for a Long Time. And don’t you feel just terrible the ways in which you’ve been an obstacle to their happiness? I think you should. They’ve suffered so much.

So today, CN, tell me the craziest thing your cheater wanted sympathy for.

(I usually save the participation threads for Friday, but that begins Valentine’s Day Infidelity Verse… so hang on for that one…)

Poor sausages.

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  • My ex was a mental health nightmare just a few months prior to me leaving him. He cried, needed me to be with him as well as me working fulltime and looking after the kids and the house – turns out OW had dumped him. Chumpy me didn’t know what was wrong (he didnt tell me of course) and I nearly went crazy myself trying to help him. Turns out I was helping him grieve his secret affair.

    • Similar to me. Turns out her boyfriend, a good mate of mine back then, had dumped her (he decided to propose to his own, real gf only to be turned down). My wife took her angst out on me, blaming me for the breakup venting the worst psychological abuse onto me. Real borderline stuff. I had no idea what was going on. What kept me sane was from all the cold shouldering and gaslighting was keeping a journal which I would recommend to anyone going through something similar.

    • Your story is so triggering – the memory of that insanity! It was a similar situation with me (except we weren’t married). After many weeks of gaslighting and suddenly making up reasons to not see me, our phone conversations were full of his doom and gloom but he wouldn’t reveal the source of his angst. I was worried that he was having some sort of breakdown. I offered to come over to console him (since I was also his “best friend”). That’s when he finally told me his GF of many months had broken up with him.

      It was a strange emotional place to be – to want to help him with his upset and yet be blindsided and humiliated by his deception. He was completely oblivious to how he had hurt me during all this. He only told me about her because HE needed comforting, otherwise he would have kept up his lying charade with me. Everything is ALL about him and for himself only.

      Friends and partners like that, I won’t need enemies. Please, if there is a god, don’t send me any more of these heartless narcissists. Thanks, Justine, for posting your story. It validates my experience and clarifies that I was with a very disordered person.

      • Speaking of triggers, I thought of me hinting to him that I am discovering that he may be cheating. he obviously got the hint and remarked “let’s get on with it”, as in the break up. Makes me think there were so many secrets, he couldn’t take it anymore, but I had to be the one to put him out of his sad sausage misery of I can’t stop eating cake. Like everyone here has said… unbelievable what comes out of people’s mouths, as though they could give a crap about anything to do with your “relationship”. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I really didn’t mean sh-t to him at all nor anything I contributed to his life for the better. Just a placeholder for the here and now. I should have dumped that POS long before…

      • I feel for you:( They are absolutely amazing in their ability to feel nothing for anyone other than themselves. Staggering.

      • I can totally relate. I’ve had a few of them, but the last one was the worst. I pray to god that I have learned my lessons to self love, create boundaries, and trust my gut. Please let me be done with my lesson. Four narcs and two sociopaths (one with a comorbidity of borderline) is enough. I’m still not right.

    • I can empathize with racking up a history of personality disordered ex-partners and cheaters.

      1 psychopath/narcissist
      1 borderline/avoidant
      1 borderline/psychopath
      1 avoidant

      Then there were 4 seemingly healthy people who cheated.

      1 cheater gave me her email password, which I didn’t request and I only used once I heard rumors of cheating. Despite email evidence of cheating, she still denied it and then made pity posts on social media, wailing that she couldn’t trust her friends because ‘obviously someone told me lies about her cheating.’ Poor baby/liar!

      Another ex had begged me to commit to being my girlfriend. She cheated on me with her ex boyfriend within 2 weeks. She came sobbing to me for support because the sex was horrible and he wouldn’t take her back. WTF?!

      Then another ex was seemingly wonderful… I invite him to my house for sex and play. He said he’s visiting friends and would rather stay with them. I was offended but understanding… until I find out that he was watching an orgy involving a woman he had been pursuing. He didn’t understand why I was so offended and had dumped him instantly upon discovery. He wanted sympathy for being dumped when he ‘didn’t cheat at all. He just watched and masturbated.’ My heart bleeds.

      The latest one… whoo.
      I was in a committed relationship with Kicked Puppy for almost four years and we had been engaged for two of them. He became ‘severely depressed’ after about two years. He even got me to pay for his therapy and meds. I paid for rent and all expenses anyway. He had agreed to be the housekeeper… which stopped almost entirely when he became ‘depressed.’ He withdrew sex entirely. Chump here didn’t even consider that a person who was otherwise so sweet and considerate was actually just using me for my money. He claimed he wanted to attend anime conventions to alleviate his depression. I was happy to send him… on my dime, of course. Right before he left for the last one, I found text messages between him and some random person he casually had sex with at the conventions. I was mortified and utterly devastated.

      He begged for money and all his possessions. I refused to give him any money, but I did return his meagre possessions. He whined that he was all alone and had to move in with his aunt and uncle because ‘they were the only ones who would help him in his time of need.’ “I have no savings, no education, no pension, and no home. Please don’t destroy all that is dear to me!”

      I was flabbergasted. I’ve been in too many relationships with users and abusers. I gave him his crap and wished him well. No ‘pick me’ dance. It was and is such a difficult stance to take. No contact is painful because I still feel shell-shocked by the unforeseen betrayal. He was wonderful to be with and pretended to be so sadz. I find myself aching to contact him.

      But I won’t. I’ve blocked him.

      … and I had a frank conversation with his aunt and uncle about why he was so desperate for a place to crash. Now his family knows what he did. His uncle was very disappointed and explained that his (uncle’s) first wife cheated on him and it was my ex’s father who helped the uncle get through the betrayal.

      That’s all the vindication I need. His family is saddled with him. We never married, so I owe my ex nothing, financially or otherwise. And now his parents and beloved aunt and uncle know what an exploitative, lying cheater he is. Sadly, he’s now exploiting them, but that’s not my problem.

      But he feels sorry for himself! How the hell is he not aware that his active and long-term choices to betray me directly resulted in his now being homeless and without a chump paying for his rent, health care, and porking hobbies? He feels like the poor beleaguered victim who ‘made a mistake’ and is now discarded ‘so easily’ after ‘things went wrong.’

      How the f*ck do these POS convince themselves that consequences are practically natural disasters in how unexpected they are? At the same time, it’s still all MY fault for ‘making him destitute and desperate.’ He cheated! For two years! At my expense! With at least two people and without protection!

      At least he’s solidly out of my life, impoverished, and dependent upon his relatives for basic sustenance… and they know what he is.

      So do I.

      My picker is beyond busted. How many more demons will I inadvertently let into my life?!

  • During false reconciliation my cheating ex-wife told me a long rambling story about one AP she fucked for several years (she said 2, turned out it was more like 12) who treated her badly. When she broached him leaving his family to run off with her and our youngest son, he declined saying, “You know its always only been about sex.” She told me this, then, tearfull, “He was such an asshole!” And in that moment I knew she expected me to empathize, with the pain he’d caused her, for promises unfulfilled, emotional ties discarded. And, embarrassingly, I tried. “Yes, what an asshole,” I mumbled. But forming the words literally made my head swim. I thought, running him down for this–doesn’t that mean I’m mad he didn’t run off with my wife and child?Would that make him more–or less– of an asshole than using her for sex? That was a question I couldn’t really answer. And what about my pain at being lied to and used? What did I do with that? Again, no answer.

    So glad I found out about some of the other affairs (ongoing) a few days later and filed. My head no longer swims with mindfuckery.

    • Oh wow! That’s… that’s really classic! Good on you for coming to your senses and filing the divorce.

    • Oh my … OMG Nomar, that is just horrific. No, that is sociopathically bad.

      What a DOUCHE. How awful for the sadz she GOT USED!

    • That so clearly shows how they think. All about ME ME ME! It never even crossed her mind she had fucked you over much worse. What was she using you for? Bitch! I hope karma continues to bless her in all her relationships and she’s used continuously just for sex!

      • First wife: ” I felt no “connection” in our marriage ( well , that would have been a little tough with her out until after midnight about 2/3 of all nights while I took care of our two boys alone).
        Also,” you would not believe the body of the young pro bike racer I spent the night with” _nice, eh? A true sadist.

        Second wife : “You did not make me feel ” Special” and ” You turned me down for sex too much”.
        Yeah, well , as far as the “special” deal. I guess working three jobs to keep up with her spending, watching the kids two nights a week and one afternoon a week so she could have time away( from her difficult job of tanning and shopping), preparing all the dinners each night, and being a boring, beta male, was not enough to make her feel “special”.
        As far as Sex goes, my XW never initiated, turned me down constantly, and had two kids sleeping in bed with her every single night. Guess I missed her signal that she was so into sex.

        • Wish I would have known you were available! Instead I got the same thing you did. Talk about feeling unwanted. Then to find out why there was no spark… Too busy with everyone else.

        • They just make stuff up to justify their conduct, Arnold. Funny we never hear about their complaints before the affairs, when they might be constructive. But, wait, if we fix A that they complain about post-hoc, then their affair would have been due to B or C. It’s lose-lose with the disordered.

    • Same story here. My cheating ex was dumped by her affair partner of 18 months or so. When I uncovered it all her biggest focus was on how she’d apparently been used and betrayed by the AP. Yes she made a mistake (minimise, minimise, minimise), but she said “I can’t believe someone I thought was a friend used me and betrayed me…!” and then “Why can’t you feel sympathy for me?”. Makes your head spin.

  • Mine told me he didn’t stop me from taking pleasure in reading for example. So having an (many?!) affair is his hobby.

      • He was trying to make me understand. He is not a drinker, a smoker, all those terrible things.

        • No he was much worse he was a man whore with no moral compass. Sad sausage for sure. These assholes never cease to amaze me and I was unaware that having affairs was considered a hobby I will have to remember that screwing over your wife and family is kind of like taking up building model airplanes or golfing in their spare time. Ugh!!!

      • And I love the cartoon. It captures all of the insanity and cruelty. It actually makes me smile, a rare thing these days.

    • Mine was Church! He never stopped me from going to church or taking our kids to church!

    • As one Lola to another, that’s seriously pathetic.

      It just goes to prove Lundy Bancroft right once again – it’s not what they feel, it’s what they THINK, that makes them unable to change.

      Or not think, as the case may be, because there seems to be some serious cabbage between some people’s ears.

      • He said that he tought that I wouldn’t like it. Never occurred to him that it might be wrong, unfair. That I called his best thinking.

  • Arseface told me he had such a busy life as obs gynae consultant and he didn’t play golf so sex with multiple concurrent partners was his hobby.
    Then when it ended with exit AP he asked for my’ friendship and support ‘as he transitioned from her to his next target,who of course was an overlap,already lined up and waiting in the wings.AP he was in process of discarding had no idea and he didn’t factor in my figuring it out.The universal MO of the sociopath…idealise,devalue,discard,hoover.Wasn’t hard to work out what he was up to.
    He ‘needed all the friends he could muster ‘at this stressful time,don’t you know.Poor sad sausage.There are no words.

    • Arseface sounds like my ex-wife’s OBGYN.
      I gave her numerous evidence (easily found) of his sexual deviance (ads for kinky sex with uni students, coworkers he had propisitioned for sex, lack of professional boundaries with my wife) but she ignored them all. That was all in his past she said. They were in love.
      Less than a year later she comes to me devastated and bruised after he beat her up (something I also warned her of). She didn’t turn to her friends or family for support. Of course I did open my heart and home to her. No woman deserves that.
      And she chumped me again, weeks later going back to him, because you know… the violence was all in the past now too!

  • Mine prided himself on being “honest” – which meant he got to torment me that he was unhappy and would be leaving at some point in the future if I didn’t do something about his state of mine. When I pleaded for him to tell me what I was doing wrong, how I’d made him unhappy, what I could change…. he had no suggestions. It really looked like his complaints were just a way for him to outsource his crappy inner life onto me. He refused couples counseling, date night, and every other way in which couples found ways to get closer. He’d go off on long day and weekend trips to wonderful locations on his own, as a way to fix “us,” and my job was to not-complain and take the blame for “us” being imperfect.
    Later, when the OW insisted on being “the only one” he again prided himself on his “honesty” and confessed that he loved her more than he’d ever love me. I was supposed to be very grateful for this honesty (even though it only came about because she wanted it) and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t very impressed with him.
    After she got the things she wanted from him, she stopped sleeping with him and I was supposed to fit myself back into place as his unpaid assistant and main emotional support because he “loved” me. I was pretty sure that he was doing what she had told him to do here, too, because when I was with him then he was better able to continue helping her in various professional ways.

    Whatever was going on in his life, my job was to be plundered. He was extremely resentful no matter how much I gave, and he always wanted more, and he always complained.

    • Ooohhh! I had one of those! Also after he found out that one of his affair partners has been sleeping not only with him and her man but also about three managers at his work he was livid! He wanted to get revenge on her. I stood there stunned. I said to him if he wanted my forgiveness for what he had done he’d have to forgive her. But he seemed to expect her loyalty…

      • When we decided to give wreckconcilaition a try, exhole had to “break up” with AP. That night he told me while tears were streaming down his face that he did the deed so to speak.

        A couple of weeks later he heard AP changed jobs and also learned she was still with her hubby. He was mad at her about that. No seriously. I just silently listened and didn’t try to rock the boat.

        These days I find that absurdity pretty laughable but I’d love to go back in time and tell myself to pull my head out of my ass!

        • Mine told me breaking up with his affair partner was the hardest thing he ever had to do! I guess I was supposed to see his grand sacrifice and be so grateful. Of course he really didn’t stay away from her as he became her stalker and she loved it! He was distraught over HER! Such nibbles for both of them and misery for chumpy me. Well now they are married and some in his family actually don’t want to associate with them, so he is the “victim ” of their “meanness”. Such a sad sausage.

        • These folks , simply, cannot have normal intelligence. It is not possible to take these positions and have anywhere near normal ability to think.
          My first XW, in response to being told that I could not understand why she was out all the time at night told me ” of course I get more time off than you. I have more friends (i.e . affair partners, apparently.
          What a stupid, self centered asshole. How dis she ever get out of law school with high honors. I bet she was blowing professors or something.

          • I would bet money on that Arnold. Perhaps a few judges as well. I have seen it happen…

    • I also got the “I cheated on you but I am actually an honest person” from my cheating ex-wife. Maybe CL could investigate why so many cheaters believe, really relieve that they are honest. That their affairs are actually an expression of honesty.

      • Aussie, could you go kick my cheater in the balls for me? He’s over there, at the time.

        • How about a couple of kicks and one on his arse to send him on his way.
          I have no time for cheaters at all. They know what they are doing, the damage they cause, but really don’t care.

      • Aussie – CL has investigated it. It’s called self-centered and entitlement.
        They ‘deserved’ it.

    • Mine also wanted kudos for coming clean. (One of) his AP told him he wasn’t a bad person but he was doing a bad thing and he chose to come clean. When I told him he wouldn’t have Said anything without her giving him an easy out he got VERY offended and said “I could have ignored her! I made the hard decision to tell you. Staying with you would be the easy thing to do and I don’t want to live my life that way.” So many eye rolls.

      • It would be easy to stay with you. To be fair and honest. To do the things he promised to do. To be a decent fucking human being. But where’s the fun in that? Plus he wouldn’t get to completely DESTROY another person OR have unlimited cake. And that’s the real shame in taking the easy way out.

    • TryingToCope — we were married to the same douche bag narc! I heard the exact same crap, and I bought into it (25 sunk investment years together and 4 kids) for exactly 18 weeks before I shut that shit down.

    • X is another honest cheater who claims to be “a man of integrity”. He only wanted something different, and he didn’t mess around until he moved out. Yeah right…,
      I asked X how he could call himself a man of integrity after all his lies, he replied with “not to be concerned, my integrity is intact.”
      In his warped mind he’s justified everything he’s done. How could I forget, X does nothing wrong, he’s perfect, just ask him.

    • He complained to you to give you a head’s up that when he finally left you for OW, he could justify by saying , “well I told you time and time again” that I was not happy, leaving , etc. Of course during that time he needed you as a back up plan, they always need a back up plan just in case things don’t work out. Such defects.

    • Sing sister! Sing! Its sadly ironic how similar these cheaters are, very little originality. I heard a very similar story. Mine was chasing his yoga dreams to the tune of over $15,000 and even had women in the yoga classes setting him up with their friends. Yep, they pimped out their friends. Nice gals, huh? So to say the least, I don’t care for the “yoga is the new panacea for anything that ails you” bullshit that is being sold everywhere. My way to handle it? I am no longer silent. I’m not mean or vindictive. I simply say the facts and yep, they are documented facts, to everyone who knows him. The looks on their faces are priceless!

    • I asked my fiance of 23 yrs what I can do for this relationship? He responded “I’d just like a little trust.”

  • Martha the Chump: My Sad Sausage curled up in the fetal position in our bed, crying like a baby and saying he was “so ashamed” after he told me he went to Canada over ten times while I was pregnant and got 100% naked lap dances (found out by a chump that touching is allowed, you can bj’s and sex for extra money which I’m confident in saying that my perverted ex would most certainly have done if he had the chance). Chumpy me hugged him. Wrapped my body around him. Told him I forgave him. And ended up having great “make-up sex” with him that very night. NEVER ONCE did he try to understand my pain over what he did. Even though he said he’d “make it up to me for the rest of my life”, he didn’t do one damn thing to make it up to me.

    My daughter who I don’t think ever will be a chump (I hope and pray!): The night we told our kids that we were divorcing (ex lied to the kids and said we both wanted the divorce — I didn’t — and right away I set that record straight and said “your dad has just been pretending” — narc dad “didn’t like that I said that” — too bad lying jerk!), the kids and I were in a heap of hugging each other and crying while their dad was emotionless and didn’t care about the pain and suffering he was causing the family he supposedly loved. I told him to leave us alone as I didn’t want the person who was hurting my children near them anymore! Narc dad slept on the couch that night. My daughter decided to sleep in the room above our living room which is a loft with direct openings so you can look down into the living room. The next morning I asked her how she was doing and she said she didn’t sleep well, “because dad was crying and I just kept saying to myself ‘shut up!!'” See, narc daddy had all the sympathy and empathy for himself, because he was the victim I guess, but none at all for his family. Going forward he was totally cold and emotionless to what he was doing to us, but for himself — Sad Sausage and tears for himself.

    Unchumping Martha: A few days later, I told my ex, “Since you no longer what me to be your wife. You are sleeping on the couch. I’m no longer making dinner for you or doing your laundry. I’m no longer doing anything for you that a wife would do.” He looked at me in disbelief. A few days later, the kids and I asked him to leave and move back in with his parents. Daughter was sobbing. Son was protecting me and saying, “Look what you are doing to mom.” And ex said robotically, “I understand, son. I understand, son.” Absolute no care or concern for the pain he was causing his children. He said he wasn’t going to move, because “he had his rights.” Didn’t give a shit that his presence was making us all miserable. Once again, life is all about him and his needs. That’s all that matters to him. Same night I come downstairs and he is nowhere to be found. I go down in the basement (it’s unfinished with concrete floors) and he’s sleeping on the floor! I’ll set the scene so you can picture what a big baby he is. Camping matt is on the floor. His nightlight of sorts from his grandma is plugged in and is near the top of his head. His Bible is there too. I think there were a few other things there, too. But the Baby Boy nightlight and Bible are all that stands out. He’s in his sleeping bag on top of the camping matt. I go up to him and he’s like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Even his head is in the sleeping bag, but just his face is sticking out. He’s also in the fetal position again. I gave him a small nudge with me foot and said, “What are you doing down here?” He’s all whimper noise. I got disgusted by his sad sausage infant/man behavior and walked away, turned off the basement light and went back upstairs. I told my sister (she was in town helping me get a backbone) where he was and she said, “Leave him” and I did.

    He was the one who lied to me for 25 years about so much stuff. He was the one who cheated and lead a double life. But he was the victim. When I think about his night in the basement, I realize was a disordered person he is.

    • Martha. My STBX cheater would not leave the home either. I had to move out. But! The one weekend we were still there together and I would not let him sleep in master bedroom, he slept in the basement on a sad sausage camping mat like yours. Sleeping bag and all. It was so bizarre! We have couches and two blow up mattresses. The adult children saw the basement bed and thought it was crazy too since our basement is unfinished. It’s a basement. Sad sausage!!!

      He told me I did not let him heal from affair and I kept bringing it up. You know. My fault.

      Thanks for sharing! We were a long term marriage like yours – 32 years.

      • Crikey I thought it was only mine who “knew his rights”. The twat moved in with the skank but given their joint maturity level (must have been about -15 on the richter scale) every 3 weeks or so they would have a playground spat and he would move back in because “I know my rights” (the paperwork hadn’t gone through for me to buy him out the house yet). Then the skank would start phoning (around pay day I guess) and he would move back out. One time when he had moved back in he came into our/my bedroom and tried to get into bed with me because “I’m cold”. I think the roof moved slightly when I yelled at him to get the f**k out! Another time, after another infant school spat with the skank he again moved back home. He said he was horny and wanted to have sex ‘cos yet again “he had rights you know”! I told him his rights ended where my rights began and he could piss off. It makes me so mad just writing this crap I tell you.

        • I, too, had “I’m not leaving; this is my house, too,” cheater. He finally left ‘for 2 days’ mid-October 2014 when I said one of us needed to go to clear my head (but never returned to the house).

          His sad sausage moments:
          1-“I thought I’d be home by Thanksgiving.”
          2-After D-day about an affair 8 years prior, I moved to the guest room but did wait to see if he’d make things up to me before I filed (nope; naugahyde remorse only). Instead, he claimed I was at fault because I never once in that time said I loved him or gave him encouragement about the marriage. smh

          • 3-“I’ll die alone.” (Actually, he’d started lining up his last AP to leave her husband for him.)

        • Not alone, exasshole also “knew his rights”. He refused to leave the house and it was a horror.

      • OMG! I cannot believe your cheater was a sad sausage sleeping in a sleeping bag on the basement floor, too! Bizaare behavior is right! And we had a comfy couch and blow-up mattresses too. I think it was all a play for pitty. I gave him none. Thanks for sharing your story too, LiveForToday.

        • Mine has no place to live because he left me. So he goes from being a beach snowbird public drunk at his son’s home to being a fantastic Christian at his brother’s house in a nearby town while getting his bff to drive him to the liquor store for vodka, wine and beer and then, stalking me privately and publicly. Multiple Facebook accounts. I have to block a new one constantly. Now, he demanded to see the home before signing mediation papers and moving the divorce forward and did the typical where are my boots thing in front of the attorneys, I responded ask your children. There is an old pair in the barn. I will get them for you now. Of course, that was not the pair he was looking for and he knew what I had done with them. I just shrugged my shoulders in front of the attorneys and mediator. You want your drawer full of viagra?

        • I gave him none too. The play for pity is so crazy. They were the cheaters! It makes zero sense. The mind of the disordered. I remember mine telling me he would be sad because he would never be in the house again. Poor sad cheater sausage. Of course poor sausage refused to move put. Entitled. House finally going on market. Such sad memories for me. Sex with whore in our bed! Just ugh

    • On the day my X finally moved out, he told my son, I will be at granny’s if you need me. Never told him what was going on, I had to tell them.

  • Oh this is going to be fun to share. There were so many reasons to feel sorry for poor little velveeta (I refer to him by synthetic things that seem good but are actually terrible and fake). Definitely created one of those – wait, aren’t I the victim here, type moments. Let’s see, predivorce there was: his parents didn’t love him, he ruins everything good because he’s scared, he just needed to “fuck someone like a slut” (his exact words as to ‘why’), and his ego gets the best of him sometimes. As if those weren’t wonderful enough, post divorce the ‘feel bad for me parade’ marches on. Now I hear: he’s so broke, no one loves him and my personal favorite – the universe is against him. All together now – awwwwwwwww pooooooooor splenda. Hahahah meh

    • LOL “All together now – awwwwwwwww pooooooooor splenda. Hahahah meh.” Splenda — lol 🙂

    • yep i heard the same.. … he had such a bad childhood (not everyone had a wonderful childhood like you mrs vain)… he f*cks up everything good in his life (because he is what he is and can not change) .. .. plus i was asking TOO MUCH from him. (because it is sooOOooo hard to come home every night, pay bills, spend time and attention on your wife and children… and not have sex with people you are not married to)and then finally it is ALL MY FAULT for making him __(fill in the blank)… .. ..

      after i kicked him out on New Years Day 2014 when he did not come home again (after literally MONTHS of his not coming home every weekend and trying to get him to understand how it is hurting me) and before i found out about his hood rat troll whore (Feb 9, 2014) he told me he had moved 7 times.. .. . and i was suppose to feel sorry for him because it is not HIS FAULT that his evil wife kicked him out and all his fair weather friends actually left him hanging so nobody wanted him or his whore in their house for long.. .. .

      they seriously are all the same.. ..

  • After cleaning out our retirement funds and running off with our best friends wife, x called me from another state to tell me he hadn’t taken enough money to keep ow in the style he had promised her….and wanted my sympathy cuz he didn’t know what to do. This was the first I had heard from him since I had come home from work to find him gone. I was speechless. Then I laughed and hung up on him. Apparently that was proof of how cold hearted I was.

      • Wow new day. Wow. You have to laugh, but it’s just weird to laugh at some of the most painful moments. How screwed up.

    • If ever we needed proof that they see their spouse in the parental role instead, here it is. We’re supposed to console them about the most ridiculous problems but they are always allowed to hurt us.

  • I’m very sorry for all you guys predicaments! My worst was my ex told me she said ” I felt obliged to fuck him. !!! multiple times. Because he took attention.

    • Mine said she told him for months that she had to fuck him. So he waited until he picked enough fights with me to really resent me and sealed the deal with her. Ain’t love grand?

      • Their reasoning/justification is so stupid. You can’t even call it reasoning.

        • Even though I felt stupid and humiliated, you should have seen his face when he realized how many men she’d done this to/with/under/kneeling. The basis for the attraction was her making him feel so special and powerful and worth risking ger marriage for. Instead, he was just the latest. Doh!

  • My lying, cheating, thieving STBX wanted sympathy when, after taking 9 weeks to leave the house post d-day, it would take multiple trips to move his stuff into his new apartment!

    • Ha Ha! Mine arrived at his new roach-infested apartment 5 days before his new king size mattress did. He had to sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. It made his back hurt. Sniff.

      • I have a status quo order in place which means I have to agree to any big expenditures beforehand. When he found a “cool” apartment in a “hip” part of town, I did not agree to the expense but he rented it anyway. Now he complains that the apartment is too small, too far away from my house, and doesn’t have a dishwasher. So, he apparently wants sympathy for both violating a court order and choosing a bad apartment.

    • I will never understand why it is so hard for them to move out when it was clearly what they wanted from the start. I sold the house I shared with my ex and moved all my stuff out and told him what was left was trash or his. He waited until the very last weekend before close to move the furniture and I had to get my realtor to bug him about it (she was a lifesaver oh my god!).

      • They leave stuff behind because it still marks “their territory” literally and figuratively.

        Mr. Sparkles had TWO YEARS to move out his remaining items (mechanic toolbox, record albums, bullshit stuff). Three weeks before divorce was to be final, I again told him to get his stuff out. SILENCE. So, after divorce was final on Dec 22, I told him he had until the end of the year or it would be put curb side.

        He chose new years eve day… called me a bitch the whole time… yeah, cuz it was my fault he lied, cheated, broke up our family, and waited two years to get his shit gone from my house. He even through at me… “my name is still on the deed you know” (even though the house was declared mine in the divorce). So, I thanked him for the reminder and as of Wednesday, his name will be off the deed too.

        Buh bye.

        • Marks their territory! That makes SO much sense! Thank you for the wisdom and the mental image of STBX as a dog.

          • Yes. If they mark their territory, they can come back more. So my friend and I packed his sh*t so when he came to stomp through the house and toss my things around, his stuff was at the door in trash bags. He came with no boxes, tape or garbage bags. He was being a total *ss when the Sheriff’s deputy I requested showed up. It was amazing how he changed characters and apologized for me troubling him to show up on such a simple matter. He kept trying to make excuses why he needed to come back. I said, ” Once the divorce is finalized to the mediator I will be happy to allow him to have whatever sh*t is left of his fat *ss lazy butt.

        • OMG! Flace slap! Marking their territory!!!!
          Mine has so much of his crap in the barn. An antique truck too. I’ve even got his mom’s ashes (Gaslighter was an only child and didn’t even have a memorial service for his devoted Mother…). Wow. Now I get it…

      • Mine wouldn’t leave either. According to the Divorce Letter he gave me, he didn’t have a plan for anything. LIAR! He already spoke with a mediator. So he didn’t have a plan and according to him, we were going to do things on his time schedule and the way he wanted. WRONG! No mediation. I got my own lawyer. I filed for divorce to protect myself financially. After me begging him to move out for five months. I moved out and I took the kids and dog with me. And it cost us a load of money to rent that apartment, when it could have been free for him to move to his parents. Every. Single. Fucking decision that assbrain made was self-centered like only a Narc can do.

      • I had the same. He was already moved in with Just-A-Friend/But-Really-A-Whore, when I moved out. We were already divorced and items remaining were his per decree. I had to hire an attorney (he had a RO against me and my attorney told me to “get off the grid” so that XH and whore could not find me) to tell him to get his crap out of the house so that it didn’t look like we were divorced and desperate to sell. I think my attorney had to send him multiple letters on that subject. He then used the contact to try to mess with me on remaining expenses (like paying $30 for his half of the landscaper). At that point, I just paid the landscaper and ended XH’s reign of terror. We have no children and no need to ever deal with each other again. I had the special kind of abandoning, conflict avoidant/passive aggressive sociopath. Such a blessing that he married his whore.

      • He wouldn’t leave so I did. His words were “I don’t want us to be apart”. Right. Except when he’s screwing other women.

      • Mine wouldn’t move out, either, AND he left tons of his stuff behind. I think it’s all part of the cake-eating. He was fine w/my saying we were done, all ready to head off to a life of bliss w/his Twu Lurv. But he fucking wouldn’t go! I had to finally find him an apartment, take him there to get him to sign the lease, then make him move, THEN make him actually spend his time there, and take the kids there on his visitation time, THEN to stop coming over randomly to ‘do laundry’ (yeah, of course there was laundry at his new building ….).

        I asked him to take his stuff; he took most of his clothes. A year later, after repeated requests, I packed up the rest of his stuff, had the kids take it to the basement storage room. It’s still there, of course. I noticed he didn’t take or ever ask for the little gifts the kids had made for him over the years, or any photos …..

        I think he really thought I was going to let him come back. Plus he’s hugely lazy, I took such care of him over the years ….

        Done now, though!

        • Traitor complained via his lawyer that he didn’t have any money to leave, so my lawyer replied with an advance on a settlement and a car so he could leave immediately. So traitor complained I kicked him out.

        • Mine was renting a 3 bedroom farmhouse when our divorce was finalized. Hooked back up with an old high school friend (not OW so I have no ax to grind there) then they tried to get her a permit to live over here in France. HALOOOO, not an EU citizen, no income, they weren’t married, plus no medical insurance over here. Yeah, why not let her in. So the next smart move was to move back to the US, except he did it with only 5 days’ notice. Left behind his dog (which he had only gotten 5 months earlier) and all his shit, including his washing in the washing machine. Everything. Guess who got to sort that crud out. I only did it to help my sons – I would never have done it to help him. We took the dog to the dog’s home and he was adopted pretty quick (asshole asked me if I wanted him – I told him I was gone working 12 hours a day so yeah why don’t I take your dog and make him miserable). My kids took what stuff they wanted and I am left with the rest of his crap in my basement, trying to get rid/sell as and when. Talk about entitlement!

  • “I’m upset because none of our friends [our?] have checked in to see how I’m doing through this”.
    May I add that I was pregnant with our second child during this debacle so, no, he didn’t get anyone’s sympathy.
    Or, before I knew of the affair and after refusing couples counselling, “I’m starting therapy for ME. This can’t happen to me again!” – turns out he’s cheated in all his past relationships too. How sad for him ?

    • The XH told a mutual friend that “he was disappointed in the lack of support from our friends!” Blahahahaha! The friend responded, “Perhaps they were disappointed in YOU!” Just AMAZING!!

  • Mine said this family life wasn’t satisfying to him. He wasn’t happy. He felt trapped. He needed to be free. He wanted to date. He needed to run away and start over. (Really he had an AP that he’s still with 1 year later) and the craziest—- He never got the big boat he’d wanted since he was 15 and I didn’t help him become a professional waterskier! Once I found out about his ho he’d tell me that she supports him and listens & I just put him in his place.

    • It sounds like he never grew up and is still the 15-year old who wants to be a professional water skier (I didn’t realize there was such a thing! — lol).

    • Say what now?! But seriously, is there no originality at all to these people? Mine said he needed to be free. That he just went to work and came home. I pointed out that was his choice. He said he’d have more money if he was not with us. That he’d be further in life without us. That he’d was pretty much destined for greatness but we were holding him back. That he hated his job, his life. That he was nobody’s priority. I was dumbfounded!

      I said to him that I was never his priority. He always needed a bunch of needy women to bolster him. (I don’t do needy very well).
      He was wasteful with money. He’d even spent some on the other women and their children while I tried to make do. ( I did not know at the time he was funding other people).
      He would refuse to go out on family outings with the children and I. He’d agree,then pretend to forget or wait until the last minute then say he’d changed his mind. But he would expect us to go to his family functions where he behaved like he was a top notch husband and father.
      He always wanted time to ‘work’ so I’d take the children so he could have peace and quiet or he’d work on weekends.
      His job that he hated? He’s still at it. His family that he ‘loved’? He’s left us.
      Now he’s running around again ‘helping’ needy women and their children but not his own. Our children are not impressed. They have a mix of disgust and love. I imagine that is a hard sentiment to manage.

      • I remember deciding that we hadn’t had sex in so long that I should do something to spice things up. I bought the sexy bra and panties, the little apron with matching gloves. I set the table with China, wine glasses. I put rose petals in heart shaped containers and lit candles and had dinner ready. Everything done for the evening. He came in and I waited for his response and as he walked pass me he glanced and said, “I have had a hard day and I am tired “. Okay, I won’t do that again. Later, he tried to spark things up to no avail because despite viagra, too much drinking makes one very limp . I gave up.

      • Exact story here. “We’re officially out of money!” Was a text I got one day. Um, ok. I’ve been living like we’re out of money for 5 years, this is not news to me. The rent you’re paying for one of your AP’s while re furnishing another AP’s home because ,” her child shouldn’t live like that!”. Well, that was news to me…why in fucks name do they surround themselves with such needy women?! I do not understand.

        • Because that’s the only way they can feel like a man. They can’t deal with a woman who has her shit remotely together. There’s no ego boost there.

          • Aha! I can see clearly now. I wasn’t needy enough. Mine left. One day he came by I allowed him in and he saw I had the yard cleaned up and some plants . He says to me ” you have a nice homestead here. All you need now is a man.” Another time I turned down his offer for help and he became irate muttering you’re always okay.

            All his other women… Needed ‘ help’.

            What can I say. I so suck at damsel in distress.I don’t need a man. I want one. Frankly for any man I’m with its better if I’m wanty and not needy.?

            • As a fellow woman who also keeps her shit together, I gotta say that the damsel in distress act makes me want to vomit. If that’s the grade of man you reel in by pulling that shit, I think I’ll keep my job.

      • Mandie
        I think mine would say the same if he ever had brain surgery and could suddenly vocalise his feelings. I feel like someone trying to make sense of tea leaves. I know I can’t trust what he says, he acts like nothing has changed, he agrees with most things I say about why or how this could have happened even if it’s contradictory. I don’t have much to go on. He is one slippery fucker is mine. I think it’s the perfect defence. Look sad. Say yes a lot. Look sadder. Take out trash. Look hopeful. Nope look sad again. Agree with sentiment expressed. Shake head sorrowfully at self. Shrug shoulders. Do a grocery shop. Look hopeful again. Nope. Sit and watch tv. Be oblivious- oh yes. That works.

        All I know is I fell in love with him. Married him. Had three boys. Raised them. He had three long affairs over four years. He isn’t who I thought he was. He has no idea why, how or what to do next. I file for divorce. End of.

        • you just nailed my exhusband to a T.. .. . he would mope around like a poor little kicked dog.. .. poor little sad sausage.. .. nobody understands him. nobody loves him.. .. .. he is just one big f*ck up.. .. he tries so hard and just cant get it right.. .

          took me YEARS to figure out that he was doing all that hateful, selfish, egocentertic stuff ON PURPOSE.. .. and a few more years to realize he did not CARE if he hurt me or his boys and he was NOT going to change… .. i loved him unconditionally. i gave him everything i had. i tried to help him. i cleaned up after him. i supported and forgave him. i believed in him.. .. .. gave him 15 years and 2 boys only to have him leave my bed and climb into hers and never looked back.. .. replaced and forgotten at the drop of a hate…

          like you. He isn’t who i thought or rather BELIEVED he was.. .

      • OMG! I had no life. All I did was work home sleep repeat. Um, okay. Because I FORCED you to stay in the house? Because I never encouraged you to get outside hobbies? Take up a sport? Make new friends? I have no friends because I spent my time being with him because I was happy and the few friends I had felt like enough. Then I encourage him to go out with the guys from work because they are all married and he meets some fucking WHORE he decides to blow my life up with. And I had no idea. Because all his life he’s hated cheaters more than anything. Then that fucking CUNT (sorry all who hate that word) turns him into the thing he hates most in the world. Cheaters are so pathetic!

        Mine was a knight in shining armor too. She NEEDED his help! Because she wasn’t a GROWN FUCKING WOMAN who could take care of herself?! She couldn’t tell an abusive husband to FUCK OFF without MY HUSBAND’S help? He could help her but he couldn’t pay any attention to his own life!

        • In my experience…they all have “abusive husbands.” That’a their little damsel in distress “SAVE MEEEE” ploy. My husband’s affair partners were supposed to have abusive husbands, and he claimed to believe it, but he’d go over to their house while said supposed abusive husbands were at work to do it. Not too bright, that one.

        • OMG, I think my husband fucked the same woman! 45 y.o. grown-ass woman, but she NEEDED him because she was married to a (supposedly) abusive husband. And then he tells me, “she’s a good person, and doesn’t deserve this!” I only wish they had scampered off into the sunset together instead of him wanting to “work on the marriage” which apparently meant continuing to fuck her while going to marriage counseling… Ugh.

  • My ex was so upset that I wanted my dad’s car back after we split that he’d been driving to shag the slut. He said “how will I get to work? How will i live without a car?” His suggestion to rectify the situation was
    “I know, how about I give you the car back, then I don’t give you child maintenance for 3 months and buy a new one with the money” he was outraged when I didn’t agree to that and couldn’t see at all how that would be me buying him a car ? Absolutely on another planet… So having a roof over your children’s heads and them having food and drink is no way near as important as him having a car- twat!!!

    • This entitlement its too much. When my ex fuctard announced he was over the marriage out of the blue he came back a week later to take furniture and was affronted that I wouldn’t let him take my grandparents antique table because ‘ it would fit in his apartment better ‘ . can’t make it up . I was in total shock but still managed to tell him to fuck off.

    • Mine was pissed when I told him to leave the key for my car that I had brought into the marriage. He had rented a place well off the bus route so he obviously intended to use the car. About a week later he messages me to say that he is trying to build a house for the children and me and I want back my car. No pity from me did he get. I was trying to build a family with him but he was shitting on it… Telling me about a house. FACK the house!

    • Xhole wanted to keep my cat, who I’d had for 9 years, 10 months & 2 weeks of his 10 years. Meanwhile, the puppy I’d gotten him, the one he’d “always wanted”, would be locked screaming in her crate for hours at a time, so he could talk on the phone w/OW5. We’d had her for 3 weeks before he foisted her off on me. After leaving him, he dognapped her, solely to punish me. I told him he was hurting her to get even me. He says dog doesn’t love me that much, anyway. :/ Fucktard neglected the pet he wanted so badly, and he wanted to keep mine? Nope. FTG. ALWAYS about him.

  • During wreckonciliation, cheater installed a keypad lock for the front door, told me we had to change all of our phone numbers immediately, said OW had a gun, and claimed she had lured him back the first time with a false pregnancy. I was thrilled to hear him say,”I’m so glad you took me back and saved me from the trap,”

    This drama seemed completely crazy to me so I thought he meant that he was glad he had escaped from a truly crazy woman and that we were going to be okay now. I also believed many other lies and that it was all over.

    Imagine my surprise at yet another DDay, and he is still with HER. I simply could not understand this at all. Well, when I kicked him out, he moved right in with her, and now his family tells me they are madly in love.
    Who’s crazy? Him? Her? No, me for believing he was somehow victimized by her and I had saved him.

    In reality, she was not the first affair, she was just the one disordered enough that she would take him in, and he never cared enough about his family to stop his deliberately dishonest behavior. Who knows how many lies he told to me and other women? I know he’s not telling them to me anymore and that’s what matters.

    • Hahahaha — my ex put in a keypad lock in his new house. I’m guessing so my kids wouldn’t have keys, which means if they had keys I’d have access to his house? Sorry. But I have no desire or need to go into that ghetto of a house. The only time I have been to the ghetto was to drop one of my kids off or if they needed to run into the slum house in order to get something. I’ve never gone there by myself. He’s a delusional narc who thinks I’m stalking him I guess and wants to get into his house? I have no fucking clue! Next up I guess is a moat with alligators and a drawbridge access to his lordships humble abode.

      • I can totally relate Martha! Ex installed keypad entry and cameras at the front door of our marital home where he still lives. Primary reason appeared to be so that he can watch comings and goings from his phone…. particularly me as I drop off or pick up our son. Creepy. I have no desire to re-enter the house of ill repute.

        • That is creepy, Dee. Like you are being filmed as if he thinks you are going to do something illegal.

        • The X and his whore did this. Lights, camera action! Really is it to watch coming and goings or to keep check on each other because you know there is that thing called trust that is important in a relationship which my guess is neither one trust each other since they both cheated numerous times.

          • Probably to keep track of each other, hey? That’s so strange. There is absolutely no way these cheaters can ever fully trust each other. Never ever!

      • You’re singing my song, Martha. X has the nastiest hole of a house ever (I escaped from that Hoarders paradise) and he found himself a ghetto chick to live there with him. May they live happily ever after!

  • A couple of weeks after I finally squeezed out the truth about my ex and OW (my son’s school music teacher) he actually confided to me “poor OW is having a hard time at school, the parents are giving her cold stares”. Unbelievable – a teacher has an affair with a married parent, resulting in a divorce, gets to keep her job, but has the gall to complain about a few glares.

    • Oh, Vastra. I just had to share. My STBX and his married OW were both teachers in the same school…..where my children attended. They were fucking in a pink tiled bathroom (daily) in the teacher’s lounge….all while I was working and taking care of our kids. Same for her poor unsuspecting spouse. If I didn’t need the financial support from STBX, I would hang them both so high. Think about it….teachers fucking in an elementary school with kids still in the building. Oh, and this crazy bitch made her way into my child’s classroom to question my child about her “mommy and daddy’s” whereabouts on the weekends. Disgusting. If your ex has no ties to the school, I say go for the jugular!

      • I hope they both got sacked Onward Chump, and how dare she ask your child those questions.!.. I held back on a complaint at the time as I was negotiating our settlement and he was agreeing to everything I asked. By the time gold-digger found out and exploded, it was too late, so that was better revenge. The local cello teaching community and her church friends also heard about it quickly so her reputation is trash wherever she goes.

      • Questioning your child? Oh hell no. Nope, nope, nope. I would have f’ed her up after that.

  • I kicked ShiTBoX out on D-Day. He stayed with friends, but apparently having to ring the door bell to get people to let him in (as opposed to having his own key), was becoming “intolerable”.

    still gobsmacked.

  • There have been a few, one of the most ridiculous statements from Cheater was, “you never loved me.”
    Poor guy.., how did he know? Was it when I stayed married to him when he didn’t have a job for over three years? or maybe it was when I sacrificed my career and moved across the country, away from my family and friends. Living miles away from civilization with a toddler while he traveled the world?

    • Mine said the same. Also said he can’t believe he chose me. I wanted to laugh to his face. He treated the relationship like shit and seems surprised that I am distrustful and disgusted. I own my humaness. God may forgive him but I won’t.

    • Satan told me just recently after his failed attempted suicide in Oct (i know, i had a weak moment and called him).. .. that he was having the same problem with his girlfriend (who is still married) that he had with me.. .. . when i asked what that was he said “she doesnt believe that i love her either” and i was gob smacked.. .. so i repeated the vital information (to me) i said “you love her” he got all flustered, started stuttering (which is always a good sign he is lying) and said “just like i loved you.. .. but she doesnt believe me either just like you did not believe me”

      and he almost had me again with that.. .. . because i almost fell for the “poor me” story, i almost believed that he did love me and it was me who just did not see it.. …

      only that is NOT how it happened.. .. i actually DID BELIEVE he loved me and that was why i was so confused as to why he was doing this to me and his kids… ..

      nice try but not today satan.

  • The day after DDay I was sobbing in our kitchen and I looked at him straight in the eyes; response to my “do you understand how completely devastated I am”? I got: I do know because I suffered the same: every day, coming home, pretending everything was fine and that I was (deep sob) was so painful.

    I was so shocked that I actually stopped crying.

    • I got “you love me but I only like you, who do you think had to work harder in this relationship?”

      • Unicornomore, what an asshole!

        I got from my Mindfucker, “I worked hard on our marriage BY GOING TO WORK.” Yes, work as in his job. So when he was at work, he’d spend a good portion of his day walking around the company and flirting it up with all the company ho-workers. And since he wasted time at work filling up his bottomless pit for attention and admiration — he’d work for three hours after dinner and pretty much ignore me and the kids each night. That’s how hard he worked on our marriage. He’s delusional.

        • This! STBX worked “so hard for our family!” As soon as we moved here and he started his job, he built time into his schedule for cheating. Dude, fucking other people isn’t “work” unless you are a sex worker or porn star…

          • “Fucking other people isn’t work unless you are a sex worker or porn star.” LOL. So true!

    • These jerks are so heartless. Here you are sobbing on the floor and it’s still about him.

      I was sobbing on the bedroom floor and he walks in as he wanted to ask me something. He saw me sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. What does he do? He walks right back out of the room. And this is supposedly a good Christian man LOL. What a big joke!

      • Ugh they’re all such assholes. Mine told me he waited so long to tell me he wasn’t in love with me anymore because he was afraid of my reaction. He had assumed I would be sobbing uncontrollably in front of him when he told me and then went “and see? Here you are doing exactly that. I was right.”

        • Mine said the same thing. In what universe would someone ever take that news well?
          He also told me at one of my favorite restaurants while we were out on a “date.” Because he was afraid I would upset the kids.

          • Ugh! At one of your favorite restaurants on a date?!

            My ex took me out on a date to see a movie when I thought we were working on our marriage. He already decided he wanted a divorce, but was lying to my face as usual. What movie did he take me to? “This is where I Leave You.” A movie about a guy who gets cheated on and his wife leaves him! You can’t make this shit up!!!

            I bought a copy of the movie and left it in the movie drawer WHEN I LEFT HIM!

            • We never made it to the movie. I left him at the restaurant.
              Love that you bought the movie! And that you left him!!!
              They. Are. So. Twisted.

              • Good for you for leaving the restaurant, louisvilleflower!

                In all honesty, I didn’t want the divorce. I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to keep our family intact. My kids were as blind-sided as I was. 🙁

                But I couldn’t live in that home with him any longer. It was so toxic when he was around. If he only would have left when I asked him, but he refused because of “his rights.”

                I’ve had over two years to think about our life together. In the beginning of my thinking, my memories were all the good times together as a couple and as a family. There were so many good times. But after what I witnessed with him being a fake and twisted person who could kissed me passionately in the morning and tell me he loved me. To him telling me seven hours later that he wanted a divorce. And all the times he pretended to be working on our marriage. The passionate kiss in front of family on Thanksgiving Day where is aunt said, “Get a room!” So much other stuff. It makes me realize it was all an act the entire time. And he not only does this with me, but he does this with everyone else. He’s incapable of loving someone. Just totally incapable. Our son being born was all about him. He downplayed anything to do with me. He constantly wanted me to take pictures of him with our son. He lapped up the attention of his mommy when she said, “Oh, you look so tired!” Yeah, I was the one who actually did the work, but I was brushed off, but her baby boy was just so tired for being up all night. Poor baby. lol. I can constantly now see why he turned into a narc!

                So, I didn’t want the divorce, but I’m happy to be free of him and all his lies and cheating. And his family who think they are perfect Christians, but they lie. Break a lot of the Commandments. Gossip about each other behind my back. Constantly made me feel like my only purpose was to serve them and listen to them. Little do they know that my ex has talked shit about all of them. He acts like the good son and nephew with everyone. I was fooled for 20+ years and I lived with the monster and didn’t see it until I FINALLLY SAW IT. They’ll never see it. It’s easier for them to put the blame on me instead of believing the truth about Mr. Perfect and Special. I’m thankful for the divorce. It’s freed me up to not be a slave/wife. It’s freed me up to pursue my own goals, as scary as it is to do so. I no longer have a liar and cheater in my life. THAT IS A TRUE BLESSING!

      • I had something similar. I was sobbing on the kitchen floor after an argument. He comes in, steps right over me, retrieves something from the kitchen cupboard, steps over me again and leaves the room. So cold.

        My shame is that this was early on in our relationship and still I stayed.

        • Off the crazy train, give yourself a break. Don’t be ashamed. We didn’t know what or who we were dealing with. I put up with a lot of crap even before we got married. I stayed too. I probably would have stayed forever, because of the trauma bonding and the love bombing, devalue discard stages that went on for our entire relationship. Now you know better so you’ll do better. (((HUGS))) to you. There’s nothing to be ashamed about.

      • Mine was also a “Christian”. When I found out he had been with many women during our 33 year marriage, I , at one point, asked him how he felt God would react to this (or something along that line). He said “This has nothing to do with God”. So, his so-called faith was not a factor in any of the decisions he made.

        Another stupid thing he did after we separated – also reported by others – he ended up living with a succession of women and I guess he really liked one of them because he bought her a house. Well, when she dumped him he was devastated. We were still speaking way back then and he called me and wanted my support as he handled this horrible situation. It wasn’t long after that I finally set boundaries and went no contact. But, it is unbelievable that he had absolutely no idea that he had done worse to me and that I had feelings. Yes, they are all the same. They are the only ones who feel and their deserted spouse and children are nothing to them.

        • Yep! As someone who can feel people’s pain or show empathy towards them, this disorder is so foreign to me. Years ago, I would be upset or crying about something, most likely not related to my ex. He’d “make a joke” in order to cheer me up? It was so inappropriate. I eventually stopped sharing stuff with him, because it just didn’t seem like he cared by his weird reactions to my sadness or anger.

        • It’s frightening how they can completely ignore that you have feelings when they are trying to get what they want. I know CL says to stay away from the skein but as a real fix it magic fairy I LIKE to know WTF happened. I’m one of those people. I want to know everything there is to know. So I went on a skein untangling mission and after many many many many conversations about how this all made me feel STBX seems to realize that I am a human being and I have feelings. I don’t believe that he didn’t know about this all along because he seems to have been a functional human before this but something in them changes once they get that magical golden kibble and they turn into scary robots. It’s like he had NO IDEA how terrible I felt. I don’t know if it’s real but he has been saying to me that he understands how hurt I could be. He’s probably just like a parrot. Saying what he hears to get a good boy cracker of the evil wife not screaming in his face non-stop ?

          • Sad Shelby, don’t worry, he’ll soon forget all about this moment of insight. My ex had several of those over the years, about me and the kids, but it never lasted more than a few weeks. Unfortunately, those flashes of understanding just fed my feeling that if I could just somehow find the right words to explain it to him, he’d somehow ‘get it’ and start behaving differently.

            Remember Bancroft’s and Simon’s explanation; it’s not that they don’t understand. It’s that they don’t CARE.

    • Well, you know, people only cry to manipulate other people, sayeth the Holy Narcissist.


      • I got those too! I was told people only cry to get what they want (that was a LONG time ago though YEARS before this drama) Also that he wasn’t happy for SO LONG but he couldn’t say anything because he didn’t want to hurt me. My response was to scream in his face, “So you thought that by FUCKING SOME WHORE that would make it better?! DESTROYING my life and making me FUCKED UP FOREVER was better than saying you weren’t happy or things needed to change? Or ANYTHING other than fucking a whore?!”
        That got quite a look. Like maybe whore fucking ISN’T the answer.

        I also got that I didn’t love him because I didn’t initiate sex enough. We had sex when he initiated it but it was all a job to me and that proved I didn’t love him. All the shit I did for ten years and the 1,000 times a day I told him I loved him wasn’t love. But that fucking whore saying “I love you” then opening her fucking whore hole to him WAS love. ESPECIALLY when she was trying to “help him with his marriage” by initiating a divorce from her own husband and then telling mine “I love you.” THAT’S how a “friend” “helps” with someone else’s “marital problems”. Well no wonder I’ve never helped anyone’s marriage get back on track.

        I also got I feel like I’ve changed since then. And not in a good personal growth way. In a fucked up forever, don’t know who I am or what to believe type way. So, telling yourself your wife was like a buddy or a family member and that it was NBD to fuck a lying whore and ruining your life and your wife’s life WASN’T a big personal growth experience? It made you feel BAD?! Like you are a BAD PERSON?!

        I also got I’m so fucked up becsuse I feel like it’s all lies. I was SURE you didn’t love me like THAT. Like a wife loves her husband. I thought it was just like friends. Or companionship. Or family. (Because love for your husband doesn’t include all of those types of love too?!) I don’t know what love is anymore! I’m so confused! Well I can say fucking secret texting with a WHORE that says “I love you.” And basically tries to steal away a married man to be the next daddy for her illegitimate child with someone else ISN’T love. Especially after 4 months of texting and not actually being IN A RELATIONSHIP. ?

        The latest is he’s tired of the drama and that he wishes he didn’t feel sick to his stomach every time he thought of the future and that he wishes he could forget about all of this or go back to before he ever met her. BUT right after d-day he said I was boring. And that our life was boring. And he was unhappy. And that he needed a change. NOW I guess I’m NOT boring and that change had NOTHING to do with me. Hmmm like maybe it seemed SO FUN to get the kibbles but once you realized you’ve RUINED yourself and me for your own selfishness, kibbles weren’t worth it?! Maybe instead of blaming me for your “unhappiness” you should have looked at yourself?!

        • It’s crazy making: they hurt you, but suddenly you’re Mean and Butter for reacting to their bs. Unreal!

        • i lived everything you just said.. .. they purposely twist anything you say. they purposely talk in double speak just to confuse you.

          that last 9 months of our marriage.. .. .. my ex was staying out all weekend every weekend. out drinking and God knows what. not answering my calls or texts. letting me sit up all night worried and wondering about him. i would even call the hospitals and police stations a couple of times.. . thinking he was in an accident or got pulled over.. .. but nope. he was just ignoring me. probably feeling oh so special that i was scared for him.. .. ..

          he also stopped paying the bills. and there i as struggling to pay the water, elec. gas and house payment plus buy food because he was telling me his paychecks were only 200 a week.. .. (and if that is not love then nothing is) .. ended up he was getting paid 550 a week and just did not want to give me money or help me pay the bills or feed his children… ..i STILL have no idea what he spent all that money on for all that time

          he started hiding shit, and sneaking around. lying and stealing from me (stole my 40 one night because he got in an argument over a boxing fight.. … he did not even bet or watch boxing!!!!).. things started disappearing from my house and yard (he stole my scoop hood off my truck that i had before our marriage, he took my rear end off my other truck, he stole my rims etc)

          but after i filed for divorce he started telling me IT IS MY FAULT and how i wasnt treating HIM right.. .. i wasnt the one cheating, lying, stealing, hiding, and not coming home.. .. but right. i wasnt treating HIM right… .

          one of the last things he said that really messed me up was “YOU GOT BORING MRS VAIN”.. .. ..

          let me say that he was doing all this that last year and more. and stupid me kept trying to TALK to him. to FIX it and to understand what HE WAS going thru.. .. i also was doing all this while grieving my 25 years first born daughters death the year before from an aorta ansuersym .. …

          it took me over a year to stop blaming myself.. .. (18 months actually) and then another year to focus on healing myself.. .. it does get better

          • What a rough road for you and your family, Mrs. Vain! I wish you much well-deserved peace and happiness.

      • People only cry to manipulate; CLASSIC PROJECTION. THEY only cry to manipulate, so they assume it’s the same about everybody.

        Although my ex did cry a few times quite genuinely, about how badly HIS life was going after he fucked me and the kids over royally.

    • Yes same . I got ….’ I’ve done all my crying already ‘ ( in the years he apparently had all his sadness but failed to mention it to me. ) however he did say he was going to miss my cooking which cheered me up no end .

  • On D Day, my sad sausage wanted me to sympathize with his Schmoopie because “she will. be grieving the loss of the relationship if you say we can’t see each other anymore.” (Schmoopie was a close friend to our family – well known to me and my children.) WTF?!?

    When I confronted Schmoopie, she was sitting on a kitchen chair. She curled her body best she could into the fetal position and stared at her feet while I let her have it. In the end, she had nothing to say for herself except, “I don’t know what to say. I didn’t intend to hurt you.” Later, Ex said I shouldn’t expect any apology from her. “She’s hurting too, and she doesn’t know what to say in these types of situations.” Seriously?!? All I could think was – so how often does she find herself in ‘these types of situations’? Yep. Can’t make this shit up.

    • “so how often does she find herself in ‘these types of situations’? ” That was my first thought too when I read what you wrote.

    • Saddam cried because “it hurts me so bad to know I’m hurting her”. Notice, he wasn’t upset that his OW was in pain, but only because he was in pain. Maybe, he’s so fucked up I think this was him trying to get me to say it was OK for them to “be friends” given what else he said that particular time. Assholes.

  • Ha 2 days ago was truly a meh moment for me. My now “EX” can easily say that ha. Came to me saying she was having a bad day, after two years of mind fuckery, I had heard it all, luckily my intuition is pretty good , and my chump zone is weak . She tried telling me she was having a mental breakdown and how she should go to the hospital. I said ok , well that’s no good, how about I look after the children and feed them and make sure they are ok. I threw her the car keys and said maybe you should call AP, or sister or your mum. My first concern are for the children. Well didn’t that go down well , she called me everything under the sun, as usual I stayed calm, I refuse to argue in front of the children or at all. Fortunately for me I’m loyal , and you can’t buy that. Anyways turns out she’s breaking up with the AP partner, and that my fellow chumps is not only none of my business , but zero of my concern. Might be a bit of Karma ha:-).

    • Omg! I got the whole “I think I’m having a breakdown” thing, too! He says he thinks he needs to check himself in for a 72-hour stay. I said, “well – tell them I said hi! And say goodbye to your phone and belt for three days,” – next time he pulls his ‘I’m suicidal’ crap, I’ll offer to send the cops. That ought to snap him out of it.

      • Mine told me he thought about suicide but that it would mean I wouldn’t get life insurance. I said “concern for me hasn’t stopped you from doing anything so far – do what you gotta do…”

        • My STBX mentioned seriously thinking about suicide (not induced by my filing for divorce as he filed) but decided not to do it because one day he looked in the mirror and told himself, ‘How could you kill this beautiful person (himself)?’ And he says that I am the disordered one.

  • This idiot has tried to get sympathy from both me and our daughter. When he kept trying to get me to Pick Me Dance (and I would still try to tango and trot for him), I would mention that I was very hurt and he would say, “Either way, I get hurt,” — are you kidding me? Then wanted praise as he confided that his longtime online AP had turned to Christ “because of him” —-are you freaking Kidding me????
    Then, during a breakup not too long ago with Smoochie (short -lived because he reigned her back in with his suicidal sad-sausageness) he had the gall to reach out not only to our daughter -but to me!! Yes, me! And ask me to “pray for him”. Are you Freaking Kidding Me Right Now?? That’s what went through my mind, but I meh’d out and scurried further away from his crazy. I want to vomit right now just reminiscing.

    • “suicidal sad-sausageness” — lol. Someone needs to make a meme or cartoon out of this one! 🙂

      Don’t you love how they bring Christ and God into it? Someday I’m going to submit the Divorce Letter to the UBT and maybe CL would think it would be worthy deciphering it. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but however her phrased it, he made it sound like his “healthy female friends” were just women he was just trying to lead to Christ. I kid you not! Once again, you can’t make this shit up!

      • Exactly, Martha!! Where does it say in the Bible that Christ asked his Disciples to seduce followers and convert them with adultery? It’s a skein I won’t touch with a ten foot pole! I laugh but it’s serious. They really don’t fear God or (wo)men, but The Day will come.

      • That makes me SO SICK! I’m not a big religious believer. And I think TERRIBLE SHIT HAPPENS whether you deserve it or not. BUT using God or religion to justify what you’ve done is SICK! It’s so wrong! “God will forgive me.” That’s GREAT for you. God will forgive you if you are repentant, BUT God isn’t into you just doing whatever the fuck you feel like then going “It’s okay. I get a free pass. Homie JC is on my side. It’s cool. I’m forgiven.” God forgives is NOT a justification for ruining people’s lives!

    • Freak memories, right? The ex also wanted praise as he had miraculously broken the affair off right before I caught him because he knew in his heart it was the right thing to do and he did tell her that he was a Christian and that what they were doing was wrong and she was raised in atheist Russia and so needed to know this and so he was a hero, right? Then he was all so, so sad that I didn’t see how wonderful and sacrificial he’d been. Then he said how hard it had been at work (she was a subordinate) because his boss was looking askance at him.

      He too, suggested that this was so devastating to him that he was maybe, probably thinking about killling himself so he took his guns out of storage and put the cases next to the television so I would see them. I left and went to a womens’ shelter.

      So glad to be free. Life is so amazing and peaceful when the disordered aren’t around.

  • She also wanted sympathy for how much it pained her to give him up while we worked on our marriage (she didn’t really give him up or work on the marriage). “Because he’s so wonderful.”

    Yeah, wonderful not wonderful.

    • Yep, got that too. He even wrote in the MC exercise during wreckconciliation that the number one thing I did that upset him was: “calls OW whore”. WTF.

      • Hahaha!! I called AP “dumb cunt.” I love to curse but hate that word. It popped out of my mouth right away. I think I kept using it because it made him cringe.

        • I still refer to “it” as scumbalina, cunt, slut,slunt, cuntzilla and now “whorenoccio” which I borrow from a fellow chump.?
          Also “the criminal”
          The Ex is, petet pan, Judas, ass, do over dad…
          To be continued…..

      • Dat, I told my Ex that I call ’em like I see ‘me and if it walks like a whore, talks like a whore and screws my husband like a whore…….well then, Captain Obvious! It must be a whore!!

      • Yeah, the cheater defending/praising the AP in reconciliation marital counseling. Should be a HUGE RED FLAG that prompts every counselor to tell the chump there’s nothing to work with. Like counseling someone at Weight Watchers who won’t take the jelly donut out of their mouth when they talk about their weight loss goals.

        • Um, true, this. But I didn’t understand at the time. Penultimate sesh w me saw my Mistake describing Whore. I know he looked a bit dreamy and, referred to her as “bubbly” (when I demanded to know what the big appeal had been).

          Counselor dismissed us next sesh, saying he couldn’t help us. We never have ven made it past the 3 month mark.

          I didn’t understand.

          I do now.

  • Hard to choose really:
    –after the first dday when we wreckonciled and I told him he couldn’t ever speak to her or see her again and he said “but she’s my friend!”

    –after the second dday when he was going between her place and ours after the separation and still grabbing my boobs hugging and kissing me and was upset when my counselor said it was sexual abuse so I shut that shit down, he raged about that

    –after that he spent 2 nights sleeping in our camper trailer in the barn telling my daughter I made him(no I didn’t)

    –when he came home for Christmas day(yes I’m chumpy) after moving in with her and we were all unhappy, and he gave our daughter a jar of olives for Christmas (funny not funny) he walked out sending me a text”I know when I’m not welcome” Poor sad sausage…

    –now he has signed the separation agreement and I’m a bitch for holding his money(I’m not) because he has done none of his requirements to fulfil his part of the agreement. Poor baby…. his life is just so difficult..

    • My STBX blames me for lack of bifurcation he requested (and everything else he thinks is wrong with the world) although he was the one who incorrectly filled in the paperwork for the bifurcated divorce. My legal team even told him before deadline to submit the request that he had incorrectly filled it in.

  • My XH was caught wailing in the initial stages ” who is going to want me after what I have done” boooooooooohooooooooo sniffle sniffle sniffle etc. etc.

    This gradually changed to a wail about how he was so upset because although ” I could forgive him for his cheating and shitty behaviour ………….he couldn’t forgive himself ” …………….boo frickity hoo – they don’t give a flying fuck about anyone other than themselves.

    I also got a lame “that’s not fair, I DO understand what it feels like to end a relationship – it’s hurting me too!!!!!!obviously not as much as you feel or from your perspective but I do understand ” WaaaaaaAAAAA

  • When he tried to explain how wonderful OW was, he said that he felt really bad for her because
    “she was cheated on”…..yea.

    Over and over throughout our life together, whenever his stress caused him to act like a giant asshole, it was brought up (by him and his parents) that he never got over being cut from the basketball team in High School. (he was nearly 50 the last time I heard that one).

    • Well my XH and his brother ( on his 3rd wife, serial cheater, wife must have clean house by time he gets in from work, tins lined up in cupboards etc.) both have gone crying to a shrink about how their parents traumatised them because they made them both learn to roller skate on the patterned carpet at home rather than the street/ pavement in case they hurt themselves. This event came up again and again over the years and was cited in his brother’s affair marraige breakup drama and my XH’s low self esteem = his justification for fucking other women.

      So that 1970s rollerskating trauma resulted in two brothers fucking their way out of 4 marriages between them and attending a shrink in their 30s claiming they were never really loved.

      • Oh those wicked, evil parents – making their kids learn to roller skate on CARPET! OMFG, now I think I’ve literally heard it all. There can’t be a poorer excuse for a cheating lifestyle than that. If Chump Lady has a “worst excuse for cheating” contest I think that would be a winner for sure.

        • …satan said (during a conversation about why I should drop the divorce and let him come home), ‘Jeep! I was just BORED!’

          Jeep: ‘Oh, well shit, why didn’t you just tell me! My goodness you poor man! Thank goodness you found a cure for your boredom! What an awful way for you to have to live!’

          satan: ‘Where are you going?’

          Jeep: ‘I’m going to enjoy my peaceful, calm, drama free, BORING life.’ 🙂

          satan: ‘Wait, what?’

          Jeep: ‘Buh Bye!’


            • Thank you CeliA 🙂

              I was completely floored that he just thought he could just come back home after all the emotional, mental, physical and financial abuse he had put me through, absolute horror! I only met with him – in a public place – to beg him to let the divorce be final already! And he pops off with that bs! Crying and declaring he loved me. Bullshit. I told him we have radically different definitions of ‘love’. These people are not human.

        • Thank goodness my boys learned to roller skate on concrete. Phew. At least I know they will never cheat now.
          I knew I was a good mom ?

      • Those two should never have been allowed on skates! On carpet or otherwise!
        This ^ “trauma” excuse is definitely the most ridiculous one I’ve ever heard.

    • OMG!! I also got the “she needed a shoulder to cry on because she was going through a horrible divorce…..her husband CHEATED on her”

      So she decided to fuck a married man to make her feel better. Of course THAT was different.

      • Hah! Since I was taught to ice skate on actual ice, I should be a serial killer. This thread is hilarious.

        • So true Nic! What crap in our lives could we justify using cheater logic or excuses? I think those extra pounds I’m carrying are because I learned to skate on real ice too! Calories are just an invention of some big meanie who doesn’t want me to live my life to maximize my happiness. See how that works? I’m free to order more dessert now.

      • That one fucking killed me too. The whoremat’s husband ALSO cheated on her. And she walked in on it happening. Because if that had ACTUALLY happened to her she wouldn’t be so fucking BROKEN and DEVASTATED that she’d think it was okay to do to someone else?!

        She told my STBX that he was the nicest person she’d ever met. And her mother always told her to do anything she could to keep a good man around. And then she fucked him and now he’s a lying broken piece of shit just like her and all her exes. Thank God she got “one of the good ones”. And somehow he can’t see that SHE helped ruin him to get what she wanted. I’m fucked but she was going through a hard time.

    • LOL. Mine still carts around this little 8 inch plastic tennis trophy from 9th grade. All hail the mighty tennis pro. Bunch of Peter Pans who can’t get past high school memories, good or bad.

      • Hahahahaha! So spot on. Mine had a trophy shrine in our basement of his “accomplishments”. My personal fav was a “mma champion” belt. I use the term loosely as he was fighting local drunks. ‘Twas not a UFC type venture. Big fish, super small pond kind of thing. Best part is, I later found an email with one of the OW about how he was “probably gonna go pro this summer”. That was 2 days before our first son was born. He’s so cool haha just ask him!

      • That’s so funny! I didn’t keep any of that stuff. X even saved bike racing trophies I got over the years. I trashed them after she moved out. High school glory is so so sad!

        • Mine wouldn’t come get his Boy Scout badges. Trash. Suddenly wanted them months later. Gone.

      • Okay, this sub-thread is totally spot on and side-splitting funny. Ex kept all his participation trophies from pine derby in Scouts. Totally non-emotional about children being born or family getting married–never saw a family photo he liked–but those trophies!–height of his success and feeling connected I guess. Hard to top that.

      • OMG! Mine too! When he walked out he didn’t take the $250 worth of diabetes testing supplies I just paid for. Nope, he took the coronet he played in high school – 45 years ago – and hasn’t touched since. And all his little car club trophies he won 35 years ago.

        That was one of my pet peeves with him – he’d never look forward, always looked at the past. Same clothes (I resorted to stealing them from the laundry and throwing them out), same music, would watch the same episodes of the same TV shows repeatedly, same movies on DVD – repeatedly – same restaurants, same meals. Never anything new. Drove me nuts!

  • Mine walked out about 3 months ago. A few weeks later, I found loads of evidence of his current girlfriend (“But I’ve only seen her like 10 times in the last two years, she knows I’m a married man!” “She was only in the house once for like 10 minutes. Why you so mad?”), plus other strippers and miscellaneous skanks. I filed for divorce and in my city, when you file, a TRO goes into effect preventing either from removing property from the house. Dumbass only took some clothes, booze, a laptop and some porn before the TRO. Now he’s all sad I’m in the house while he has to live out of a suitcase Dammit! He’s begging me for a bed and dresser. Not until (if and when) the judge says so, loser. I told him he found plenty of other beds to sleep in over the last 10 or 15 years, he can find another one now. Too bad so sad, Slutboy McDrunk, you left. You cheated on me with multiple skanks, for over a decade, and gave me an STD. In an at fault state you’ll be lucky to get anything, don’t be asking for our master bedroom furniture. So sad you have to live out of a suitcase. ? its not fair! Lol, loser.

  • He wanted me to feel sorry for him because less than a year into our relationship he screwed one of our co-workers even though “he did not want” to.
    He wanted me to feel sorry for him for getting his first happy ending massage from a woman who was “unattractive.”
    He wanted me to feel sorry for him for having a dissatisfying threesome with two rural Asian prostitutes.
    Also, for the fact that the latkes he made for the first post-divorce Hannukah sucked.

    • The co-worker raped him? Get out! The unattractive masseuse and u satisfying threesome? You don’t say? Sounds like my ex telling me how upset he was he couldn’t tell me all about his sex club adventures with his whores, but at least one of the props in one of the sex rooms was ‘not bolted down tightly’ – I guess left up to me to imagine the bear calamity that may have ensued from his wild bomdage sex with said whore – why, they may have hurt themselves!
      If only….

      • Sorry, my autocorrect is out in force. Unsatisfying threesome and Near calamity, thank you!

        • Sometimes I think autocorrect is so disgusted by the things we type about these a-holes that it can hardly let the words through. 🙂

          • Yes, Autocorrect was so disgusted that even ‘bondage’ was ‘bomb-dage’ – how appropros! Blow that image completely out of my mind, please!

            • Mine bleeted!!! But the only person I really wanted to have sex with was YOUUUUUU!!!

              LMHO!!! You can’t make this shit up.

              • My cheater wanted sympathy because he couldn’t perform when at last he found a willing anal sex partner. He couldn’t do it because it should have been my a**. So he had to settle for the usual.
                I never cease to be amazed how many of us have the same basic story! CN I’m glad you’re here! CL you are awesome. Thanks for all you do!

  • After he moved into an apartment, spent thousands of marital funds furnishing his love shack, he called me wantung sympathy because he’d been having trouble sleeping.

    The new, expensive mattress he bought to fuck whores on just wasn’t as comfortable as our old, lumpy mattress he refused to allow us replace for over a decade.

    And like the chump I am I told him he’d “just need time to break it in”.

    I’d love to go back in time and give myself a good shake for that one!

    • After my STBX moved out I took 3/4 of our savings. He cries about the money I stole! I said I just took money that was equal to marital funds HE stole going to the expensive Hyatt every weekend for 4 months with his 22 y.o. coworker. And then I figured in a little food and alcohol.

      • I legally took less than half of our current assets (and none of our long-term assets) when my then-husband started getting scary abusive and stealing my stuff and I thought I would need to take kids and me to a shelter. The money I took was survival money so that the kids and I could rent a small place although I was unemployed. (Kids and I went to a safe house a couple weeks later.) Years later, then-husband now STBX still tells everyone (police, Family Court, etc.) that I stole from HIM. Don’t know whether he knowingly lies or has deluded himself into thinking he is telling the truth. Don’t care.

  • My ex tried to play victim of some overpowering mental instability.

    She wanted sympathy for being “mentally and emotionally unstable.” She even said she felt abandoned by me because I left her during this period of mental instability.

    I was still Chump enough to believe in “the fog,” so I told her that she was creating her own instability and I wouldn’t feel sorry for her. A weak answer on my part.

    Now I see that she actually just wanted sympathy for the demanding task of balancing two separate lives–of lying to so many different people that she couldn’t keep it all straight. It’s HARD and mentally demanding to keep a house of cards from falling down, you see. Poor ex wife!

  • Sad Sausage :

    “My lease expired and I have to move from hotel to hotel living off points!” (Points he acquired with his fuckbuddy either in hookups, birthday celebrations and the best of the best….celebrating their ANNIVERSARY annually all over the globe. Woot. )

  • Mine thought we should just go along with all his bullshit and sympathize because he was cursed with a life where he compartmentalizes things.
    One marriage counselor explained it to him like it was a get out of jail free card and he rode that shit till the wheels fell off.
    ” paintwidow… know I keep things in my life seperate…..I compartmentalize, I didn’t choose this, it just happened to me. You know this about me, the counselor said it’s true. If we aren’t friends it’s because of you, not me”
    Like we should feel so sorry for him because he has difficulty mixing his peas and his carrots. He kept everybody in tiny boxes and I should just be happy when he was in my box…..ignore all the other boxes please.
    Ummm… fam. When you marry you promise not to be in anybody else’s box.
    Bye. Can’t wait till the AP figures out about all the other boxes.

    • My freak compartmentalized everything; had an OCD about his food touching on his plate – you know, meat couldn’t touch veggies, etc. No mixing. However, he had the gall to suggest obliquely that maybe I’d like to get it on with him and AP sometime, apparently yet another Kink of his. Trust me, if I got close enough to either of them, poly would not be on the menu. Crazy mother….

      • There is literally coffee coming out my nose.
        I’d be like ” you can’t let your food touch but you can screw two women at the same time?”
        I think the fact that she was on board tells you everything you need to know about both of them…..and tons about why he’s with her.
        It’s her problem now.
        I often feel like I should thank the AP, but not with a threesome……maybe just a nice card a gift card for the std testing she will inevitably need.

        • You know, Paintwidow, this should be another thread of it’s own – Thoughtful Gifts to Send The AP to Thank Them For Taking His/Her Sorry Ass. Thank you! No – thank you! Another bitch cookie? Help yourself.

    • I’ve realized this is kind of the hallmark of all cheaters so he’s not exactly a special flower. How else can you live two lives? Mine acted like compartmentalizing was some super power he had. Yet he somehow couldn’t come home and turn off work at the end of the day and would ask me to solve all his teacher problems? How does that work?

  • Far too many to count from the Kunty Kibbler.

    The biggest kick in the gut came 2 days after the confrontation in the driveway with KK and the Carrot Singer (who’d come to my home for a quickie) — and remember, this is after I agreed to letting her keep open communication with her ‘real good friend’ BDSM guy, who’d given her a black eye during sex:

    KK: “I’m just really sad about what happened with [Carrot Singer] yesterday. I don’t feel like I have anyone I can confide in.”
    Me: “What about [BDSM guy]?”
    KK: “He’s nice, but what’s the difference? You’re eventually going to take him away from me too.”

    One year later, I physically feel ill every time I recall the level of chumpiness I attained.

    • How dare you take away all her toys!!! Dude, she is one of the sickest people I have every heard about. Give yourself time to recover from that mind fuck. She was definitely a master manipulator and it will take time to get it out. Mine was an amature in comparison and it’s been almost 2 years for me. I am committed to figuring out the signs of these people and never being a victim again. You will recover as well. Do not be hard on yourself. You were in survival mode just like if a gun was pointed at your head. The circumstances and our instinct take over in those situations and it’s rarely rational!

  • He had so many excuses, when one didn’t work, he would try another. The funniest was the night he tried to explain, in a broken voice, how I refused to fold his underwear correctly (or just like he wanted)…so that’s why he met up with his old GF from 20 years ago, booked a plane ticket to Miami, and took her on a romantic cruise. It was so ridicules I could not believe my ears.

    With each excuse, I saw him for what he really was. I am happy he did what he did and had to gall to explain it away and blame it on me…it helped me get out of a very toxic relationship.

    • It was probably hard to fold them correctly with the deep, wide and plentiful skid marks in them! And you should have let him know it. I would have been happy if my spouse had just washed mine. She didn’t even work but she was too busy to do mundane tasks like that.

      • When we first moved to the US, mine didn’t work for at least a year. I worked, took care of two boys and their schedules, cooked, cleaned, paid the bills, mine was too busy to paint the house or replace the carpet like he promised…he had a single male friend next door and they ran around playing together during the day. I got the feeling he was jealous that the single guy had so many girlfriends, and I was right, he was cheating on me.

        Any excuse to bash me was his ammo. Even if I had folded his undies correctly, it would have been his socks, loading the dishwasher, whatever…. they just need excuses to feel like they are the victim. Oh, and don’t bother them about pitching in to help around the house…they are so entitled.

  • My STBX was out all night “taking pictures.” Every weekend. I told him I didn’t like it. I got that horrible feeling in the pit of my gut every time around 2:00 a.m.

    After several months he lashed out at me – He accused me of wanting to take his hobby away from him! How could I! This was the only way he could relax! He works so hard – so many long hours! I am so meeeeeeeeaan!!! I will not support him in his hobby – I am a disgusting sorry human being!

    (Nevermind I supported boats, dirt bikes, quads, toy hauler, boat racing, drones, and everything else in the past).

    Oh, and he couldn’t take pictures during the day because the sun hurts his eyes (LOL)

    Well his hobby was his 22 y.o. worker every weekend at the Hyatt.

    When he was crying as he was walking out the door I asked, what is wrong?
    He cried with this sad sausage face, “I have no where to go!”
    I reminded him he’d been telling me for weeks he was leaving – so why hasn’t he been looking for a place? ugh Just get out.

    • Oh, and since I want the house for me and daughter and the dogs… I am such a greedy bitch. The court ordered him to pay me support – and for that I am a greedy bitch.

      Ummm, he was greedy for a little girl at work, so greedy that he was gone every weekend and then gone in the evening after work leaving his family at home with lies and betrayal – ultimately destroying his family.

      But I’M the greedy one. They are subhuman.

      • Oh yes the fairness. I merely want a house so me and the kids are not homeless. No he wants it all…. The house needs to be sold and he’s OK with AP in the love nest while we go and rent a shitty place on my income which just became no income cos I lost my job. Apparently that’s my problem and the kids have to deal with it. Its prob cos he turned back into a teenager when we weren’t looking and blames everyone for his plight.

        • I’m so sorry you lost your job. I hope you find something else fast.
          My STBX says he can’t wait to see what I do when the house has to be sold and I have to find apartment while he will buy new house and take his dogs.

          His dogs he hasn’t touched for over a year.

          “Turned into a teenager when we weren’t looking and blames every for his plight.”

          Yep. They are pathetic.

    • LOL
      are any of them grown ups. mine had been threatening divorce for months as well. When the affair came out, I told her to find somewhere else to live. She had totally planned on me leaving and letting her live in the house. Dumbass! I sure hoped you had a deep, long laugh at that BS!

  • He wanted me to feel sorry for him for abusing me. It was traumatic for him when he had to rage and threaten me to keep control. He thought I should understand that wnen I was cowering in fear, trying to shield my children, that it was really worse for him. So sorry for himself.

  • Not having enough money. I was still making the car payment, paying phone bill and providing health insurance with a cash payout that covered rent. Well, being an adult and having to find a job and pay bills is a consequence of fucking around! I never even acknowledged the BS. Still contacts me for help with adult stuff. Hitting delete always brings joy to my heart. Now she gets to deal with the crap I took care of for the entire marriage.

    • When the settlement was finalized he had to go on COBRA and sent me an email asking for his money back because he was double billed for a month. Poor thing. NOT.

  • “You kicked me out when I was drunk! I had no where to go! I was cold!!!”

    Response: But you were hallucinating and almost sh*t the bed…literally. You smelled like body odor and strange women were blowing up your cell phone. You were violent and insane. We were all terrified. This is the 6 th time you came home like this. I signed you up for treatment. You never went.

    “But…..that shit pissed me off !!!!Sick and tired of being told to leave! You brought this on yourself!!!!

    (fucking other women.)

  • He was tired of being responsible for people (meaning his family – my son and I).

    My response . . . Hey asshole, you should of thought about that BEFORE we had a child but please, no really, run along and do you and I will take of our son. He also said “I will always here for you guys”(meaning myself and our child). Uhuh, that’s why I had to shove a court order and the government up his ass and down his throat. Apparently what he meant when he said “he would always be there for us” he was figuratively speaking and what he mean to say was “I will always be there only when and if, it is convenient for me which is never.”

  • Soon after D-Day fuckwit told me that all he wanted was ‘freedom and good sex…’ (he is now known as F.A.G.S., absolutely no disrespect to my wonderful gay mates) as a stay at home dad, he soon found himself with a desperate sociopathic pregnant whore, my Friend and work colleague, that was keeping the baby at all costs. After the Christmas break, sad sausage told me that he ‘desperately missed his kids’ and where he was was ‘fake and not what he was used too’, didn’t want to be there etc etc… then proceeded to go on holiday with her family…. and still playing the game between the kids and the whore… still wants relationship advice on how to get out of his current predicament but doesn’t want to get a job. Still trying to find his best bet as a Sugar Mumma… Meh…

  • In false MC (knew ex wanted out of marriage, did not know about APs): I pointed out I just wanted acknowledgement for the years of compromise and sacrifice I undertook for the relationship: turning down jobs and taking a not great one so then H could live near family while mine was thousands of kilometers away. That’s what you do for the family, right?
    Turns out that then H was upset that I never acknowledged HIS sacrifices. Hmm… What could that be, buying a house an hour from his family instead of nearby?
    No,finally later– he LOVED affair partner #1 and gave her up for the marrriage and stayed with me, and he never wanted the career route (that he chose, he could have done anything he wanted as far as I was comcerned).
    Only thing– I did not know about the “sacrifice” as he denied the affair all through false MC and I was gaslighted into thinking I was paranoid.

    So, sad sausage wanted credit for cheating on me emotionslly,physically, and financially, and for “giving up ” the great love of his life who was apparently much more compatible with him than I was.

  • Well, after 30 years of love, devotion, care, nightly foot rubs, attention, a child, and on and on, it turns out that what is making him so saaaaaaaad is that he misses my ability to add. Sexy, huh? “Yeah honey, put me in the mood … here, balance my checkbook! Make me scream in ecstasy … by doing my taxes! Oh God … don’t stoooopppp …. figuring out my monthly budget!!!” Slip a four function calculator into the man’s bathroom and he’ll never need a Victoria’s Secret catalogue ever again. Snort.

    • “Slip a four function calculator into the man’s bathroom and he’ll never need a Victoria’s Secret catalogue ever again.”

      My LOL for the day. You’re too much, Dixie.

  • He wanted me to feel bad because “he crushed” Schmoopie when he broke it off with her….like I should give a sh!t how Schmoopie felt about anything…..ugh. He also declared he would spend the rest of his life making things right with me and then proceeded to do nothing.

    We live separately now. Just trying to get mighty enough to retain a lawyer and file.

  • My D-day was actually C- day confession for two affairs (10 years prior and 23 years prior, which would be three months before our wedding. But all the porn for the past 27 years doesn’t count!) A friend of mine was a member of a sex addicts partner’s group and asked me to go with her. I invited him to attend the cheater’s group and he went for a few months, until the other cheaters kicked him out for lying! But it was far too traumatic for him being asked ” to go against the very nature of my being! Monogamy is a choice, it is not natural and it’s ludicrous for people to expect it! You are not the victim here.. I gave up 27 years of my life to find that my spouse is in the way of me finding my true love!” Poor Sausage!

  • As Mr. Sparkles was lamenting about his new AP and the love that was too big to be ignored, I asked him if he was tired of walking out on his kids (he did it 3 times – yes… typically Narc… 6 kids across 3 women)… and he replied, “What I’m tired of is the failed relationships.”

    Now, a normal, healthy person would stop after making that comment and say… “so, I’m going to take a break from relationships and look at myself and work on why I cheat”… but this guy, NAH, he rolled right from the OW into yet ANOTHER relationship… so my son has now had to meet TWO WOMEN within the last two years.

    The other bit of mindfuck I was thrown was that he cheated (online affairs only – WTF?)… was because I put our son to bed every night and would lay down with him for 30 minutes. Sometimes I would fall asleep there (I work full-time, run the house, cook, clean, laundry…so yeah, get a little tired sometimes)… and he felt “abandoned”. SERIOUSLY. A 40 yo man feeling like a 2 yo abandoned at Wal-Mart… what else could he do but cheat.

    Chump Nation – when we read each other stories we should remember… patterns and statistics don’t lie. There are no unicorns. There is only freedom when you get away.

    Rock on.

  • Mine has an affair with my “best friend” while I was recovering from cancer treatment.

    Some nuggets:

    You always had to go to sleep so early, and I was lonely.

    When I told him how hard it was to lose my best friend of 23 years: she was my best friend too.

    When I was crying on the couch: “I know how you feel. Your husband is broken, too. ”

    “I had to stop talking to her all of a sudden. Do you know how hard that is? I need to talk to her again for closure.”

    “I just wish things were like they were two years ago. I miss that.” (This would be, ahem, before I was DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER.)

    “I’m lost.”

    “You were just so exhausted and tired and sad all the time from the treatment. Nothing I did would work to cheer you up. I felt like I was failing. But with AP, I could talk to her for thirty minutes and then if she was sad, she’d be smiling. I like to help people. It was hard not to be able to help you.”

    • Cancer survivor here, too – fled my home during treatment because of Mr. Disordered. Hope you are cancer free now – in more ways than one! We are Mighty!

    • Lotus Dancer and Merry Meh-hem, You two are mightily awesome.
      They are subhuman. They are a cancer. I hope you are both cancer free – in more ways than one.

    • Wow. Just.. Wow.

      I can relate to this being in pain and feeling crap then being pitted and compared against the Oh So Wonderful Schmoopie Who is Just So Ecstatic Everytime She Sees Me.

      Cue the Pick Me Dance match..

  • Where to begin?

    He didn’t even know he was unhappy until he started his close friendship with CFMD – she was going through a horrible divorce, her husband CHEATED on her – and through talking with her he realized just how similiar they were and how very, very unhappy he was for a very, very long time.

    He told our daughters that he has depression – he took an online quiz!

    When he told me he didn’t want to work on our marriage and I was sobbing and in so much pain he looked at me and said “I know I can never stay with you now – I can never look at you the same way again”

    A few months down the road he said this to me “I know I can never come back because of all the stories you have made up about me in your head” Things like the fact that he was living with CFMD, you know…’made up ‘ things.

    What a complete fucking putz. Oh! and the last thing was about a month ago….He said “I am trying very hard to still respect you as the mother of our children.” Because I had him deposed. Asshole.

    • Oh I had forgotten the “made up stuff in my head”. Mine used to say “you think this and you think that, and then you looked at me like this, and thought that”. I swear he could go on for hours like that – apparently “we” would be having an argument and I don’t remember ever opening my mouth. Man, if he really knew what was in my head he would have kept quiet.

      And on the stupid stuff they want us to pity them for, after he buggered off with the skank, about 6 months later a colleague who I had known for 25 years started asking me out. He had done very well at work and was in one of the top positions in our organization. The twat found out that I was seeing him and said “trust you to end up with a f***ing diplomat”! Oh poor sad twat face – having to make do with his ugly little skank. Eventually the skank cheated on him and booted him out. He was wailing “oh woe is me, I hate being alone”. When I said “what’s wrong with being alone, I quite like it”, he said “well I’m not like you, I can’t sleep around”! I was so stunned I just burst out laughing – you can’t make this shit up, and I think the weird thing is that they really believe it.

    • Yeah, funny *not funny* how those women going through a divorce can bring to focus how unhappy these guys are for so long. My disordered fuckwit struck up an online convo, (turned in person full blown affair) with a therapist that convinced him to seek a medical diagnosis (got it and mediation for bipolar) based largely on the OTHER AP’s story he had taken on as his own childhood. Molestation, neglect, abuse, etc. NONE of it had been mentioned prior to new friendship with Ho worker going through a divorce. Not in 20 years had one peep been about any of it. Now all of the sudden he is suffering the abuse of his abuser that he just remembered. WTF?

      • OMG, this is such a stunning example of how narcs tell people exactly what they think the person wants to hear! A whole abuse history and psychiatric diagnosis, to hook in somebody new. That is scary.

        • Yes, KarenE! That’s so true and exactly why No Contact is vital to surviving through a break up with one of these people. These people are liars at their core and any interest they have in us (the partners they have blindsided with their double, triple…however many lifes they are leading) during the dissolution process is just to help themselves, move their new narratives along.

          They are masters at molding the narrative to fit their needs. By allowing them in we inadvertadly offer them the info they need, the little nuggets of truth they take to twist reality around to fit their sad sausage story for whomever will listen. The lengths they will go for attention is mind boggling. The mindfuck comes when you stay in contact with them and try to make sense of what you know is reality and what they are trying to push on you as reality.

          In my situation it was a major mindfuck to look back through our 20+ years together to try to figure out why he remembered things so very different. Was he bipolar from the very beginning?! My journaling helped keep me grounded in sanity i.e. I was able to read my own observations of him during major events like the birth of our children where I had written the love and adoration I was witnessing him exhibit for Our babies, for me for our little family unit, right at the time it was happening! I was not writing fiction of hopium that this child I forced onto him would bring us closer like he was now claiming (20 years later) to the courts! No, these disordered people try to re invent the past to change their truth to fit someone else’s story into theirs. It’s not even about us! They’re doing it to appear to share a common hurt to bond with the next target.

          In my fuckwits narrative – he was involved with a diagnosed bipolar woman with a disturbing childhood who used suicide threats as a way to get him running whenever she needed/wanted him by her side. He in turn adopted the bipolar story, eating disorder, victim of childhood abuse and all to sell his sad sausage story to yet another woman that he could manipulate by threatening suicide if she didn’t run to him and do whatever twisted sexual fantasies he wanted her to participate in. He also conveniently mixed all three of our stories (all his women at one point) to spin a very bizarre personality on to me, his unsuspecting, doting wife TO A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. It’s mind blowing.

          It’s sick and twisted and the ONLY WAY to stay sane is NO CONTACT. Those of us with healthy minds and genuinely kind attitude towards others could never think like these people, no matter how hard we try to decipher them. We will never win at their game nor will we ever help them fix themselves. They don’t believe they’re even broken. NO CONTACT is the key.

          • +1!!! Traitor is the same and the whore too. Their entire personalities and life stories are twisted fictions made up of bits of other people’s lives and even a notorious local murder case for the whore. Think of “The Player” when pitching a new script in Hollywood.

  • He was in a bitter custody battle with his ex AP. He wanted me to feel bad for him because the courts favor the mother.

  • Shmoopie was my husbands brothers longtime girlfriend. While she was giving birth, her boyfriend (my brother in law) felt faint and sick and had to leave the delivery room. My h thought she would ask for him. She didnt. Instead, she asked for her best friend “Mattie”. My h wanted to hold Shmoopies hand while she pushed but Mattie got to do that instead. His eyes got red and full of tears. He choked out the words, “That fucking Mattie! Who does the think she is? That should have been ME.” It was surreal. I was numb with…shock, I guess.

    • And whose child was it??
      Must be hard to be Schmoopie, and have to figure that out! What a charmer she is, screwing her boyfriend’s brother. #keepingitinthefamily

  • The guilt I felt. His mom got sick and passed away two months after D-day (I was still a huge chump at that point – he and his married boss had been secretly texting for months. At the suggestion of our therapist, he was only allowed to speak to her regarding work. Right.)

    So we put our marriage counseling aside, I was sure to be there for him in every way because he was dealing with so much grief. Shortly after the funeral, he told me that in order for him to feel better and be happy he needed his “friend” back in his life. That was my deal breaker. I cut him off and never looked back.

    That was almost three years ago and life has taken the most grand turn since. Stay strong, Chumps. If you remain open, even through all the pain, amazing things can happen. I promise.

    • Thank you for saying that. I’m in the middle of the divorce process and it’s overwhelming. It’s nice to hear there’s a light at the end of the tunnel…because right now it feels like I’m in a chasm under the ocean.

      • PuraVida – I thought I would never, ever get passed it. But know this — not only will you come out of the other side — but you will THRIVE. You will. And you will look back at this process with an entirely different set of eyes. Just be compassionate with yourself. What you’re feeling is the most intense pain. But like CL always reminds us, it is finite.

        • Gia, thank you. I definitely mentally know that to be true, and just am having a hard time convincing my feelings to catch up! One foot at a time.

          • At the time, a good friend said to me “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” And I did. And that’s what you’re doing. You’re way ahead of the game coming to this site for support. ((Hugs))

            • I love it — and that’s a great visualization for how large this task seems! Thanks for the support and encouragement. Literally, you all in CN and this site are what’s keeping my day-to-day sanity intact. Not to mention my spine. 🙂

  • My ex’s sob story has a level of textbook cheater banality that is so predictable as to approach the comical. He wanted sympathy for being confused. He wanted sympathy for being a father. He wanted sympathy for having responsibilities, because responsibility is stressful and haaaaaaard! He wanted sympathy for my anger, which bubbled up in response to being lied to and ignored. He wanted sympathy for his pain, because it was all so hard on HIM, too! He wanted sympathy for destroying my life because he was “trying to do right by me.” (Luckily I had a Chump Nation-stiffened spine by the time he tried that one and I eviscerated it.) He wanted sympathy for just being human. (I gave it to him at first, but then he kept doing the same shit and I realized it was about indulging himself, not making mistakes.) He wanted sympathy for having a stressful job, for “just wanting to be happy,” and for having suffered through years of retrospective misery with me (so miserable he married me after 10 years of it). The only grain of truth that ever came out of his mouth was that he was weak. He wanted sympathy for that, too.

    • Free vixen.

      Yes to all this.
      Mine actually, for all the times I have called him or thought of him as a sad sausage, really isn’t.
      I look at him and he looks a bit sad so I assume sadness and ‘feeling sorry’. But these things are not the same. He isn’t really sad but more pissed off at not being able to keep up the charade and the having and eating of cake. He may very well be sorry but for not being able to live life as he wants to with whomever he wants to.
      So much of the dynamic between us is me assuming sadness and sorrow where there is none.

      Not once has he broached the topic of his affairs and the consequences of the impeding divorce. It only ever gets talked about if I bring it up.

      He isn’t changed around the house, he does as little as he always did.

      I think he can see the boys are cold towards him but I’m not at all sure. I left the car yesterday to go grocery shopping to find all boys coming with me. None wanted to be left with him. (Same happens in the house). I felt awful imagining how hurtful that must be. Boys told me I was an idiot as he is just fine and even if he does notice who cares as it’s his fault (lovely boundaries boys). They were right. He was just fine when we all got back in.

      He isn’t ‘here’ now, he never was.

      Less a sad sausage than a clueless one I would say only he wasn’t clueless when it came to getting his end away with all different types of strange. Really enlightening what some people will put their effort into – wife and family? Nah I think I’ll go for strange side fuck weirdos.
      Ok then. Bloody wanker.

      • This sounds like my ex. “I worked my ass off for you,” and yet ruined my credit and sent me into bankruptcy. Lost his family but has a Brand New Whore, and her kids – who hate him. And wants my pity over that. Smh… I’m glad we never had real marriage counseling. There was no saving it when his energy was spent elsewhere.

        • Mine gave me “the best years of his working life”. 8 years when he wasn’t a student trying out 3 different degrees, a full-time stay at home dad (read PhD dropout), a student again (yes, no kidding, he tried a 4th degree and dropped out 2 months before graduating), unemployed again, the other 20 years of his theoretical working life… He was working so hard here, 3 hour lunch breaks plus nipping off to town to fuck whore behind my back.

  • After he moved into his parent’s house with the OW…yep. He kept stopping by the house to “get his stuff”…only material possessions weren’t what he was interested in when he got there. *sigh*

    Every time he stopped by, I would call or text OW to come get him. Which pissed him off..because it’s hard to explain to your affair partner why you were, yet again, over at your stbx’s house.

    The theatrics were over the top one day. He stopped by. I immediately texted OW. She shows up, he panicks, jumps in his car and leaves. He calls OW from the car, telling her to go to his parents..he’ll meet her there. So she leaves… Guess which crapweasel waited until her car turned the corner to come barreling down the road and back into my driveway. *face/palm* While he’s getting out of the car and pleading ‘I just want to talk.’, I’m calling OW again. “He’s back. Come get him. This is ridiculous.” She comes back and I tell him to start talking. “Anything you has to say to me should be perfectly fine to say in front of your Twu Wuv.” He panicks and leaves again. Poor schmoopie isn’t taking this too well…we know it’s hard to lie to both of us at the exact same time.

    Sometime later that day, I was over at some friends’ house when Exhole called me. Cannot for the life of me remember all that was said as we were all laughing too hard to hear all of it. Pretty much it was “You bitch! Why are you making this so much harder on me?! Why do you keep, calling her?” I told him that she deserves to know what he’s doing. And you poor I making it harder for you to cheat on me and lie to both of us? He hears one of my female friends in the background laughing (she has one of those low, raspy voices) and freaks out. “You just keep fucking your boyfriend then and leave me alone!” and hangs up.

    We can barely breathe, we’re laughing so hard. I’m yelling “Lyndsay, you’re my boyfriend!” in between gasps for air. (it’s great to have friends to help you see how ridiculous the spouse’s behavior has become)

    But yes…poor thing. I was making it soo hard on him to lie to both of us, because you can’t lie to suit both sides of your story when they’re both standing in front of you.

  • “For every bad thing I did, I did a thousand good things”

    I heard that a lot when I would tell him how much he hurt me. I did fall for it at first. Started thinking he has a point. Then I’d smack myself to wake up.

  • Just relating the sad drama that I can laugh at now. This was at a therapist office, first time we saw anyone.

    Him (standing and motioning dramatically): I begged her to get up out of her chair, to get off the computer – she wouldn’t listen. She spends all day on the PC.

    Me: I work 50 hours a week from home. I have no idea how I’m supposed to do that without the computer. And by beg, do you mean that time last month when you yelled at me that all I ever do is work?

    Him: That’s a lie, I BEGGED you to get off the computer for MONTHS.

    Me: Bullshit, you’ve been coming home and going directly to bed for months, refusing to eat dinner with me. Then you get up at 3am to talk to your whore.

    Him: (looking so very sad) Don’t call her a whore! She is a good person, trying to help me with our marriage.

    Me: by fucking you?

    Therapist: I think we should stop now.

    Me: …

    Guess who paid the bill? Me, of course. LOL

  • My sad sausage wanted “time” to move out because it took “time” to move in. He was all kinds of sad when he told the lawyer he had to buy a lot of new things for his home. Awww, poor wee baby. He was all kinds of sad when he couldn’t see our cats too. Awww. He wanted to come over periodically to see them. No, I said. Sads, he was.

    He was pathetic. Still is.

  • I was the breadwinner during our marriage (Asshat couldn’t be bothered to keep any job) and when we got divorced he got a lot of money plus alimony. He was going thru the money at an alarming rate because he liked to spend (motorcycles, junk, really anything you could waste money on he spent it like Rockefeller) and he tried to cry to me once that I should feel sorry for him because in a few years he would be broke and I would still have plenty of money, “in a few years when my money is gone I’ll be struggling and you’ll be sitting high and mighty” were his exact words. Hmmmm maybe if you hadn’t cheated on me, abused me and gone thru multiple OW on me he would still have his nice life. He’s dead now but I laughed in his face on that one! These cheaters are all ridiculous!

  • Every time I try to be a hard ass, I fail. He is back in the house, and every other day is a different story. He wants a divorce today, tomorrow he isn’t sure. I didn’t do his laundry, and felt like a piece of shit. When am I going to toughen up? I am getting nothing but kibble here and there, he looks at me with disdain, and treats me like he could care less. I am not innocent, but have changed. Now he is the cheater and he is just like the people I am reading about on here. What do I do? When will I toughen up? How do I navigate the ups and downs and the different personalities? Please don’t say Tuesday…

    When do I quit trying and just let this shit go?

    • When you decide enough is enough, that you value yourself more than to be treated like this.

      Sorry for the 2×4, but it really is as simple as that. The power is simply a matter of choice on your part.

    • For me, it was when I realized that the person torturing me the most was ME not him. You must understand that you are the only one who can put this game to an end. He will continue on as long as you let him. I know it’s hard but putting off something unpleasant doesn’t make it any better … might as well get it over with dear.

      • But what if he comes to? What if his heart changes? This is what torments me so. Please – any advice you can give me is so appreciated.

        • He won’t. I gave mine chance after chance and all I got was more pain. Read all the stories being laid out here and wake up. Oh how I wish I left at Dday 1, I wasted years of my life only to have to deal with it anyway. They don’t change. Sorry to be blunt but it’s the cold hard truth.

        • For me I had an aha moment when my therapist asked me how I would feel if he came back and apologized. And after thinking about it I said I wouldn’t even believe him because he had already lied so many times. And she was basically like well there you go. You have to decide for yourself given all the information you have now about how he really is if you can really accept that. Right now, not magical unicorn him in the future that realizes all his mistakes.

        • If that was going to happen, it already would have.

          You stop this cycle by treating yourself with the same level of respect and dignity you keep hoping to get from him. Why do you expect him to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself? Listen, you DON’T deserve this shit, no matter how imperfect you are. You DO deserve respect, honesty, and love. He’s not giving you those things, so why in the hell are you sticking around? Do you actually think that you’re being unreasonable in what you want from him, or has he just bullied you into believing that you want too much?

          These are the tough questions that got me to stop taking shit and start pushing back. I pushed him right out the door, because my ex wasn’t willing to stick around with someone who has a spine.

          • But I was the one who messed up first. I was the one who had the emotional affair via text. It is all my fault. I ruined things. That’s why I’m shit bag wife. I apologized, repented, fixed myself – did everything I needed to do. Now he is doing what he is doing. He blames me, and I’m not sure he’s wrong. It is a very complicated, fucked up situation, but I was the one who went out of the marriage first. This is why I struggle. I made a 180 degree turnaround (unicorn). Now what do I do?

            • Oof. Well, my honest advice is that some things can’t be fixed, and you and your husband both did irreparable harm to yourselves, the marriage, and each other. You (plural) don’t get a do-over, and your husband went out of his way to make sure that your marriage is unfixable. If you’ve truly done the work to understand why you chose to have an emotional affair, then walk away from a spouse who would subject you to the same (or worse) pain, commit yourself to integrity and self respect, work with a therapist, and allow everyone to begin the divorce and healing process.

              • It’s so fucking hard to walk away. I love him so much, and even before we were married and we were young and dating, we could never be apart for too long before we had to be back together again. In my bones I just feel a divorce is a mistake. Any and all advice is so helpful. Thank you so much.

              • I think you need to carefully examine with the help of a therapist what you really mean by “I love him so much.” Because if you loved him so much, why would you have ever jeopardized the relationship by having an EA with someone else? And no, that is not an excuse for his doing it as well. I think maybe you love the certainty of the relationship. You love not having to strike out on your own and possibly be lonely. You love the things that come with a marriage. But that is different that loving the person to whom you are married. Not to be harsh, but revealing that you had an EA really changes the level of empathy that I have for you. But my answer really doesn’t change … your relationship is broken and you cannot undo the damage by wishing. Instead, you need to fix what’s broken before you try a new relationship.

              • Okay, I saw what you describe here as an EA redefined as a mentor/mentoree relationship below. So which is it? No need to answer here, but for yourself. Because I would not refer to myself as a “shit bag” for having a mentor/mentoree relationship regardless of how my spouse interpreted the situation. So I am not feeling real confident about your details. I guess I would recommend therapy regardless to help you figure out what you want and how to get there.

            • Also, I will add that I NEVER would have cheated on my ex to punish him for cheating on me. That’s not what love is, and it’s not what love does. Your husband has poor character, and no matter how responsible you might be for his pain, he’s a jackass for using that pain to further destroy you and your marriage.

              • Free Vixen – thank you. He told me I “forced” him into this – that I forced him to be the way he is now. I understand why he feels that way, but also know that no one forces anyone into anything. Thank you again.

              • Yeah, it is fucking hard. The right thing often is, but we do it anyway. When I was with my ex, he was constantly doing new things to dig our hole deeper and deeper, and I kept scrambling to figure out how the hell to get us out of the hole. That’s where you are, at the bottom of a big, messy hole. But I learned something important from that. I didn’t learn how to get us out of the hole; I learned not to be with someone who digs them.

                As for feeling like you love him too much to walk away, I’ve learned that is wrong, too. The fear of loss is often more powerful than the desire to keep what you have. What you had together is already gone. You are hanging on to an imagined illusion of what your future could be, but if that future hasn’t manifested yet, it won’t.

                Some of us get ripped open by our spouse and it exposes deeper wells of resilience, love, and strength. You ripped open your husband and revealed a deep well of shit character. You don’t have much to work with on either side, and at this point only one of you is demonstrating any authentic interest in the marriage. Walk away from holes. Don’t dig them. Don’t let anyone put you in one. Learn. Grow. Heal. Move on from the train wreck and stop trying to revive the corpses. Demonstrate to your kids that breakable things can get broken, and how to pick up the pieces in a responsible and stable way.

            • This hits me close to home because many many moons ago I did the exact same thing. I was very unhappy because STBX couldn’t read my mind and didn’t know what I wanted (hmmm sounds just like a cheater!) and I was angry and blamed him. He was looking at porn ALL the time and it made me feel super shitty so I started an EA with someone online. He told me I was pretty and deserved better and blah blah blah all the kibbles and shit that bad people and narcs feed you to keep you giving them kibbles too. When it got to the point of talking on the phone or meeting IRL that shit got SHUT DOWN because I made the choice to stay with hubbs. I loved him even with our relationship issues and other guy got cut off and I went back to my marriage. I never told STBX and I changed myself and made a promise to me to NEVER do something like that again. The difference between you and your cheater is when it came to it he DIDN’T make that choice. He kept going. And he hasn’t made a change and probably won’t. It’s hard. It’s terrible. I know what a bad person I was at that time in our marriage. I was hurt and wanted validation. I got it from someone else and then realized that it was all BULLSHIT. The cheater probably doesn’t have the emotional depth or maturity to see the problem is THEM. It was me feeling shitty that lead me to talk to someone else. But it was also me realizing that they were making me feel shittier in the situation for their own purposes. The AP is not in it for the WS. They are in it for themselves. And that’s the real key that the WS doesn’t get. AP “loves” the WS until they run out of whatever it was they were getting from the AP, new sex, money, fun, excitement. Whatever. You can feel bad about what you did to your SO but you are NOT to blame for the cheater’s actions. You didn’t force him into her arms. He put himself there. He could have stopped at ANY TIME! He could have said no ANY TIME! And he made the choice to just keep going and going and going.

              • Thank you Sad Shelby – I try to tell this to myself, but it just isn’t sinking in. He claims this woman is just his friend, but if she were nothing more than that, he would be able to cut her off. He claims he has tried to, but he just can’t. It’s so pathetic I can’t believe that I am even repeating it. There are so many layers to this nonsense, as you know, but the bottom line is, I am stuck in limbo, and I have no balls. I am both angry and hurt at the same time, and scared.

              • Don’t feel bad. I’ve been in some form of limbo for 4 months now. It’s not easy but I’m just working on me right now. You can always work on you while he does whatever it is he does. If he wants to fix himself he will. My STBX moved out because my constant sobbing and triggered meltdowns was too much for him to handle. His lies to himself couldn’t stand up under the reality of me losing almost 20 pounds in a month and all my anguished how could you scream/dry heave sob fests didn’t jive with “but you don’t love me like that. I’m just a roommate and a paycheck to you.”

                You need to remember he is not your problem. YOU are your problem. You make you tough. No matter what you did or how you acted you did NOT take his dick and stick it in some whore (unless you are some sort of crazy porn star or something! ?). No matter if you were the WORST wife EVER that still doesn’t give him an excuse to cheat. He could leave. He could suffer in the marriage. He could literally do ANYTHING a real adult would do before fucking a whore and hurting you. I 100% don’t agree with what I did to my STBX with the emotional affair and I feel like SCUM! BUT I also know that I did the rightest thing I could in the situation. No contact, back to my marriage, didn’t go further than the online stuff and looked at myself and my issues. In this situation that’s all you can do. You may not be blameless but you can always make YOURSELF better. Decide what your deal breakers are. What you will put up with and what you won’t. And eventually you’ll have an answer. It might take you a long time but you will get strong and be able to make a decision. It’s awful. It’s hard. I still love my husband more than anyone and wish every single day this was not. That he had just stopped. Just said no. But even I’m getting a little stronger everyday. Be nice to you. Talk to yourself the way you would a friend or stranger in this situation. You can do it!

            • Sad Wife, I hate to call you shit bag. 🙁
              Sometimes, we have to accept that our actions ruined it all. I never even cheated on my XH mentally. I was devoted in everyway, everyday.
              He shit all over it. There is no way to fix it. It is broken.
              Your husband is up and down, hot and cold because he probably wants to move on, but is also afraid. Change is scary.
              The most loving thing you can do is bow out gracefully. No drama. No hysterics. No focus on your needs. Be fair, even generous. Then, give him time. If he finds he wants to patch it up, wild horses will not keep him away. If you find he moves on, that is your sad, but truthful answer.
              Part of being an accountable and noble adult is realizing that our actions have consequences, and those actions sometimes break our hearts or someone else’s.
              I am not judging you. I wish you and your family peace.

        • 10 years of waiting for the guy I married to re-appear….

          No – that guy does not really exist. It was an illusion.

          10 years changed nothing. In fact, it destroyed a lot of things.

          Your situation will not change. Your spouse will not magically come out of some crisis or fog and make everything ok again.

          You need to make those changes for yourself.

          Wishing I could have a do-over some days ?

          • I just found the texts between him and the other woman this morning.

            Back and forth I love yous.

            I’m in shock.

            He had no reaction.

            • My best friend said something that resonates with me still (after she found out her husband had a girlfriend while she was pregnant)

              “Why would I want someone who doesn’t want me?”

              Either someone gives all of themselves and wants all of you in a marriage or they don’t, and if they want to give some of themselves to somebody else they certainly don’t get all of you.

              If they don’t want you, why waste any more of your energy on them? No one can make anyone else do something they don’t want to do…unless you’re holding a gun to them and even then you still have a choice.

    • 2nd today. Start today by starting the search for an attorney. Tomorrow separate funds and cancel joint credit cards. Day after, contact a locksmith to change door locks and schedule a day. Next day, KICK HIS ASS OUT! Reach deep down and realize you are far too good for the abuse and you do NOT have to take it. CN is here for you!

      • I have already done all of that. I just haven’t filed.

        I kicked him out, and he came home before Christmas. He bamboozled me and the kids, and led us into a fool’s paradise.

        • Did you have a lot of conversations about when you cheated on him? Did you sort anything out then ? I know you say it was ‘just texting’ but was it? Did you wish it was more? Did you want out? Did you just fancy something on the side? What conversations did you have about that? Were you 100% honest then?
          Are you now?

          As you see being cheated on can hurt. How did you change as you say and how long did it take? What active steps to change did you take? Counselling? For how long? You should still be going.

          You have to decide what you want. You had enough agency before to step out of the marriage, why not now?

          • The nature of my relationship with the person I was texting was more of a mentor / life coach situation, however, it made my husband upset, and therefore, it was cheating. I had terrible anxiety and this person was always there for me, reassuring me that I wasn’t crazy. He was sensitive where my husband was not. My husband could not sympathize with the anxiety (forget empathize), and he would just tell me to get over things, to stop being nuts, etc.

            Did I wish it was more with the other man…NO.

            How did I change…I realized that I hated MYSELF and that my poor decisions were the result of self-sabotage due to low self-esteem, and while I could blame everyone and their mother for my shitty decisions, it was all on me. I also realized I have a choice in life of who I want to be and how I want to do things, and I want to be the best mother I can be, and I want to do things in the best way possible that I can. I know I will never be perfect, but I can certainly always try to be better.

            So I read. I educated myself. I went to therapy. I actually said thank you when someone said something nice to me.

            I love my husband, but was he always a good husband? No. And I let that have an impact on me, which I should not have. He was always a bit cold – always a bit selfish and thoughtless. I just absorbed it and let it change me. MY MISTAKE. I allowed it.

            What I want – I want my marriage and my family. I realize now that he was loving me the best way he knew how, and I was hard on him.

            • Have you read Chump Lady’s book, Leave A Cheater, Gain a Life? If not, I highly recommend it. We are are all chumps here, we understand, we have been where you are.

              • Thank you to everyone. Yes – I read the book, but I just have NO BALLS and I am holding on to hope for my family – for my 2 daughters. This is all helping, but I’m just a coward.

            • The only person who can help you is you. If you want to leave your husband then leave. If you want to stay then stay. It’s really that simple. Now don’t stay while thinking that your husband is going to change into a unicorn. The truth is you are married to a cheater and you have to accept that. You think he could change because you did. If he’s not showing any signs of remorse *through his behavior* then it’s highly unlikely that he will become a unicorn. “Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.” – therapists everywhere.

              All of this is to say when you are ready you are ready. And maybe you are just not ready right now. That’s okay. I wasn’t ready to leave my asshole until after d-day number 3. I endured emotional abuse for 12 years until I was D-O-N-E. So I know it’s hard to leave. What helped was educating myself on domestic violence, emotional abuse (which is a form of domestic violence) and it’s effects on children.

              You can also focus on learning how to have healthier relationships. Co-Dependents Anonymous is great for this and they may have a support group in your area.

              Also consider what kind of behavior you are modeling to your children by choosing to stay. This was the most painful realization for me. I stayed because I thought it was the best thing for my child. It wasn’t. She started modeling my chumpy behavior and some of asshole’s abusive behavior. It’s been a challenge teaching her about health relationships and boundaries while I’m still learning myself. Leaving asshole husband was a start. Now I see her standing up for herself more and she is less obsessed with being perfect. I see a bright future on my horizon.

              You can get there too. Just give yourself time to figure out what you want.

          • Dear wife of a shit bag, your husband is a narcissist. He will never change, and he will keep tormenting you. While I think you had some poor boundaries, I don’t think what you had was an affair. What your husband is doing is abusive and if you keep telling yourself you have no balls, that is exactly where you’ll stay. You just haven’t had the balls YET to make it permanent. It takes most women in abusive relationships several tries to leave. I think he is controlling you and the only person who can break that control is you. This is NOT love. That is a trauma bond, look that up. All of us on CN know what that’s about. Sending you hugs and the hope that you find your own strength.

    • Why drag this torment out? He has left you and the marriage, he has just not left physically. More than likely because the AP is not yet available and or he has limited funds. Please kick him out or YOU leave but stop this torture today.