Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

What’s Your Patronus?

A chump commentator Glinda once wrote:

I feel my anger has taken a patronus form – a huge tiger that sits there silently reminding me to stay on guard. It’s good now. Anger came back when I realized the kids and I were putting up with things that aren’t normal – that are abusive. So I traded silent hurt projected inward to an anger that protects by projecting outward.

I thought this was a terrific concept — an anger patronus! This Friday challenge is a bit of a rerun, but I thought we could use some uplift. Where do you get your strength? What happy place do you go to in your mind to summon resilience?

For those of you non-Harry Potter geeks, a patronus is this sort of guardian animal that appears when you’re in danger. You have to think hard of the people who love you, and positive things, and it just appears. You don’t know what form it will take (a white stag!), but after you summon it, it kicks dementor ass and protects you from harm.

When I was going through the Troubles, I definitely summoned a sort of patronus. I summoned Chump Lady. There was no Chump Lady then, but I conjured up her persona in my darkest hours. She was several parts Aretha Franklin, South African freedom fighter, and WASP-y matron who takes no shit.

When I was paralyzed with depression and indecision, my persona patronus would appear and kick some ass. “Let’s call the lawyer! Let’s make a plan!” I owe that patronus a huge debt for the good life I’ve found on the other side.

Today, I think my Patronus would still be part Aretha Franklin, part pine cone elf, and part Randy Rainbow.

So tell me — who is your patronus? If you could summon all your guts and courage into one being, what form would it take?

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I think mine would be some sort of small bird a la Sasha from Peter and the Wolf – tiny, occasionally obnoxious, but she’s tweeting because she’s trying to wake me up and get me to action.

    • Mine is similar…cute cartoon nudging and warning me…until he’s overwhelmed. Then….well…

      Usually, my patronus/protector is a cute cartoon lizard who waves red flags, skitters, or scratches when necessary to get my attention. [I’m sure my cartoon lizard visual came directly from my understanding of lizard brain. “Lizard brain refers to the oldest part of the brain, the brain stem, responsible for primitive survival instincts such as aggression and fear (fight or flight).”]

      When lizard brain panics, however, that little b@stard morphs into freakin’ GODZILLA stompin’ all over my brain and heart.

      When Godzilla starts destroying my inner city, a cartoon version of ME becomes my patronus…chasing that monster and beating him back with a broom – back into his cage in the back of my head where he belongs!

      Skittering and waving red flags to warn me is perfectly fine, but no overblown monstrous stompin’ allowed in my heart and brain!

  • A Lion! Lazy, but don’t get me angry, because when I finally set my mind to something, it’s as good as done. When I finally realized how bad it really was, I did what needed to be done and got out. 🙂 I’m also a Leo. Very appropriate.

  • My Patronus was and is badass Phil Collins singing “I Don’t Care Anymore.” in this video. This song helped me channel my anger into getting over my fear of taking an entrance exam for a nursing program. Figuring out online banking and how to pay bills online. Meeting with a mortgage officer. Putting an offer in on a condo. Packing and moving again in less than two years. Dealing with so many things I haven’t dealt with by myself in over 20 years. Figuring out things I never dealt with at all. Getting shit done while dealing with depression. And on and on. This song brings out Mighty Martha!

      • Hey, thanks for this. I’d love to hear from other about songs that spoke to them during their pain and recovery.

        • OK. Call me silly, but I put on “Far Behind” by Candlebox. I change the lyric “Left me far behind” to “Left you far behind” and then I crank it up so I can think of nothing else. It has been very empowering for me.

        • Titanium by David Guetta and Sia

          You shout it out
          But I can’t hear a word you say
          I’m talking loud not saying much
          I’m criticized but all your bullets ricochet
          You shoot me down, but I get up
          I’m bulletproof nothing to lose
          Fire away, fire away
          Ricochet, you take your aim
          Fire away, fire away
          You shoot me down but I won’t fall, I am titanium.

          Strong, defiant, great metaphor for the chumps becoming mighty.

        • The song that I’ve played literally hundreds and hundreds of times since everything happened is Thom Yorke’s ‘Black Swan’. There’s nothing in the world like this song. I just stick it on repeat on my earbuds and clean the house or blog.

          Ex-wife. That’s my patronus. She’s the persona I’ve created that makes the most horrifically fucked up situation that I’ve ever been on the receiving end of…funny. Well, not funny exactly, but becoming her somehow allows me to remove myself from the story and mock the absurdity and cruelty of what’s been done to us. It’s my way of casting the ‘riddikulus’ spell…I get to laugh at my greatest fears,

          If not for CL, my babies, and the ability to write freely about the nightmare I’ve endured, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today.

          Hope this link works to display Black Swan…if not I’ll try something else in a new comment.


        • Nothing like Adele’s powerful voice in Rolling in the Deep to channel your anger:


          Fave lines:

          – See how I leave with every piece of you / Don’t underestimate the things that I will do
          – Think of me in the depths of your despair / Make a home down there / As mine sure won’t be shared
          – Turn my sorrow into treasured gold / You’ll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

          Playing this full blast while I sing to it in the shower can be quite therapeutic.

    • Mine was “Time for Me to Fly” by REO Speedwagon!

      Time for me to fly
      oh, I’ve got to set myself free
      Time for me to fly
      And that’s just how it’s got to be
      I know it hurts to say goodbye
      But it’s time for me to fly

    • Yes! Martha I can relate to that too. I guess I don’t have an animal Patronus. But I can relate to that song very strongly and exactly to what you are going through too. Dealing with depression while trying to deal with all that life is throwing at us all is very difficult. As it is like a Dementor stealing away all the good and happy feelings and leaving you feeling drained and grey and sad.

      I wish I could just jump emotionally a few years from now. Because I’ve been through something similar earlier in life and I know how Meh you can get about those people you once cried your eyes out over. For some reason, probably sadly, addiction to a narcissist though I am working on it now that I know what it is, I still feel rough going through this. I don’t want him back, I want to go forward. But like you, I feel ill prepared and stressed. They make you that way, dependent on them so that they can control you. But we are at least free. And we can learn what we need to, to remain free. It may hurt, but the hurt will fade and the freedom will remain.

      I see a lot of hawks on my way to work each day. I had one fly right in front of me the other day and it was amazing, they are beautiful birds. They have a keen eye. Perhaps that should be my Patronus, a Hawk, with it’s keen eye always ready to spot and protect me in the future from any other narcs who want to take advantage of my softie self. I like that.

    • I don’t have one exactly but often think of that same song and how much I relate to the words. Especially “we never played by the same rules anyway” feel just a tad stronger than before.
      Can’t wait for the day when I truly don’t care anymore and this awful pain will cease.

  • My grandma would be mine! She was hilarious. She drank sherry practically all day and always had the heat on high so it was like going in a kind of old lady opium den. I definitely came out feeling buzzed as she always gave me a sherry. She cheated at cards, she even cheated at the church beetle drive, she had no sense of smell so could eat anything even trick peppered almonds without batting an eye. She always saved all the best biscuits for herself and gave guests the tin of broken ones. She crocheted about a thousand blankets for Africa and rode her bike with a hat on until she got knocked down at age 60. She cleaned by sweeping dirt under rugs and often set fire to her undergarments (which were many) because she would warm the backs of her legs in front of the fire by hitching up all her skirts. I guess she couldn’t smell the singed cotton! She had her hair coloured bizarre pink and blue tints and used to send us to play in the electricity sub station near our house with some packed sandwiches as she said it was like a secret place ?
    She didn’t speak to my grandad for a month as he killed her budgie by suddenly sneezing.
    She lived to 90 and was the best lady ever. I don’t miss her as I feel she is still with me, especially when I play cards.
    Best of all she loved me to bits. And still does.
    Winnifred Mary Hartley was a character. ❤

    • I love your Grandmother and never knew her, but I really want to know what a “church beetle drive” IS???? Cos I want to know how you cheat on it. LOL. I’m glad you had a person who was kind if batty in your life. Oh, and really glad you didn’t get electrocuted in the secret place! 🙂

      • Hahaha
        A church beetle drive was an event held, not surprisingly, in a church, where lots of people sat around tables. Here’s a proper explanation
        “A beetle drive is an old favourite – a simple game requiring only paper, pencils and dice. A great game enjoyed by all ages. The aim of the game is to be the first player to draw a complete beetle. The body parts you draw are determined by the throw of the dice.”

        It was fun but my grandma pretended to ‘mistake’ which number was what part of the beetle. And she filled in mine for me. It was quite cutthroat as the prize was sherry! Lol.

        And OMG you only realise how narrowly you escaped death as a child later on! Didn’t hit me until I was in my twenties how dangerous it was – no wonder the gate we had to scale was so high.
        I used to go in there all the time. I found the humming quite therapeutic !!!!

        • I love it, sounds way more fun than bingo and I see how easy it’d be to cheat, heh. I’ll bet there is razor wire around that thing these days! LOL

    • Mine would be my grandmother crossed with her nutty older sister who could shrug everything off. My grandma regularly burned her hair curling it with an iron she would put on the gas stove and forget about for 30mins, then find and wrap her beautiful long white hair around until it was all burnt to a crisp!
      She lived on coffee with 5 sugars, cheese, vermicelli noodles, a glass of port for afternoon tea to the age of 95. Once we were crossing the street and a middle aged man almost didn’t stop and made his brakes screech. So she laid into him calling him an old fart! We never had a washing machine, she did all the laundry by hand, even the sheets in the bathtub. When I was sick, she would always change my sheets daily so I would have a crisp, fresh smelling bed even with a fever. She was well into her 70s then so it was bloody hard work for her but she did it anyway. When she bought ham, we didn’t have much money, so I would get the pink bit, my mum got the fat and she ate the rind. Seriously! She couldn’t bake except apple pie, didn’t care much about cooking. And my mum didn’t cook at all, so I guess that’s where I get it from…She did crossword puzzles all the time while talking to herself, and I used to watch over her shoulder. I learned to read that way by the age of 3 without them realising until one day I wrote a note and left it on my mum’s desk.
      Her nutty sister was pretty much the same with less hair and even scrawnier. She used to grow a lot of vegges. We went to see her every week and swim in the “water tank” by the creek. I loved catching snails in the lettuce and playing with them. I was obsessed with snails as a kid. So when it was time to go home I’d want to take the snails but I couldn’t. She would put them in jar for me, we’d make holes in the lid, give them some lettuce leaves and she would swear to keep them for me until next week. Every week, the snails “escaped” and I went to look for more. I was 20 years old when she died and that’s when they told me the truth: every Sunday night she had fried snails for tea after we left…

      They both used to say they were never bored, it’s just that other people were boring…

  • My patronus appeared when I had decided to not let my kids be abused again. The oldest, the target of most abuse, had already left home, so the X began to turn his craziness on the youngest.

    I asked myself what I would have done differently to protect the boys and my answer was in the form of a mama bear, she rose up, went to the room where the X was ranting and told him to leave. I finally found the words to tell him I was filing for divorce. It was like some being took over because I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t angry. I was matter of fact as I kept repeating it was over and he needed to leave.

    I think my patronus was part bear and part angel, I have never felt strength like that before.

  • I think mine would be an eagle. Brave in facing the worst crisis of my life. Observant and on the lookout now seeing all of my stbxh’s BS. Knowledge of narcissism and sociopathy so i never allow someone like that into my domain again…

    • I **LOVE** this visual!

      Had we all shown up at the altar like this, I doubt many of our ex’s would have even gone through with the wedding….and saved us a lot of money, time & sanity in the long run.

      Only those strong men who want an equally strong partner in life would have married us in this state of being!

      Maybe next time: an older & wiser woman in a wedding dress, holding a sword and breathing fire….


  • Mine would be a 1940s broad, out of a black and white movie, she would be fabulous and tough as nails.
    Betty Davis, Joan Crawford(crazy), Lana Turner.
    Women that could be vunreable and tell you to go to hell all at the same time.
    That is part of me everyday.

  • What would a merging of Randy Rainbow and Maya Angelou look like? That would be mine. Part serene, yet firm and wise, with Randy’s ability to call out bad behavior with humour and song. The visual isn’t pretty but the feeling in my gut is fabulous!

  • My patronus is the me I want to be. When I was lying on the floor crumpled in a heap, I wrote myself a letter that said “get off the fucking floor”. So that has become my motto, when I am scared and I need strength I say that to myself “get off the fucking floor”.. I want to be the tough woman l that can get off the fucking floor and kick some ass. So I imaging me being that person and somehow can pull it off.

    • ^^^ This. If I had read it before I posted, I would not have bothered posting anything further. This is exactly it.

    • Thank you. I’m wandering around in circles now, getting very little done. I’in the early stages of divorce and my mom has stage 4 lung cancer. Although we’ve known it was terminal, it didn’t feel immanent until now. We already tried chemo and just learned that the immunotherapy isn’t working. I had to take her to the ER as she’s now having deep, sustained pain from the tumors.

      How much can I bear at once? My pain at discovering my STBX has been leading a double life for 12+ years, my daughter’s pain at the demise of the family and the discovery that her father isn’t who she thought he was, layered with the pain of losing my mother, supporting her and supporting my brother.

      Today I have to invoke my mom’s long term care, which won’t be long term after all, put a trust together, update her will, and a power of attorney. Oh, and I’m in the midst of negotiating temporary support.

      I may not get to it today, but I’m going to write a letter to myself. Thank you so much for the idea. I have no doubt it will a be powerful tool to help motivate myself. Mine will be “stop procrastinating and get on with your life.”

      • I was (and still am) recovering from cancer treatment myself when I find out about my stbx and my “best” “friend.” I feel your pain in a slightly different way. It’s awful. You’re going to make it because you have no choice, and that’s the truth. It will suck more than you can bear, but time will pass. It will pass. And then eventually the pain will be slowly ebbing. Eventually and not soon enough but time will help. Hang in there. She has one sane parent. You don’t have to be strong for her just sane. You’re doing too much but you have to. Get as much help as you can and then wait. Time still passes. Xoxo

      • Sending you a prayer for strength and courage in this most trying of times. May your mother find peace, may your daughter find a new family arrangement that provides her with a firm foundation for adulthood, and may you find a new cheater free life. You will endure.

      • Giddy Eagle.
        My heart goes out to you.
        One of my bereavement clients taught me so much about strength. He husband had died suddenly just watching tv with her. He was 59. Her daughter was battling breast and brain cancer and her mother was seriously ill in hospital.
        I spent many hours with her and it became obvious that some things you survive by just surviving. Day by day. Hour by hour.
        Sometimes all you can do is your best and let everyone who can help, help you.
        Please post often so we can be some of those people for you.

      • Giddy Eagle, this is that time you must reach down to your toenails for strength. That’s okay, it’s been waiting there for you. Please know you are not alone. You have a Nation here to listen and care.

      • Giddy Eagle,

        So sorry for all you are going through. We are all here for you. You are not alone. You’ll get through this. Trust us here at CN that you will! I didn’t believe it myself. I didn’t think the pain would ever go away, but it will. Just take it one day at a time. Be good to yourself as much as you can. ((((HUGS)))) to you.

        • Seeing all this support is so touching. Giddy Eagle, please let me also offer my support as well. I’m sending you strength.
          I was in the early stages of separation still trying to get through each day without falling apart when my uncle very suddenly became ill in the ICU and my family had to make the decision to remove life support. I was thinking that I couldn’t handle any more than what I was already dealing with and I am learning im much stronger than I ever thought. Hold on to those people who love you and care about you. Read this blog. I’m still in the middle of making it through but I promise it stops hurting as much as it does right now. Remember you are mighty. ?

      • I was divorcing, lost my house to foreclosure, took care of my dying mother and then plan her funeral. This all took place over thanksgiving and christmas of last year.
        You are stronger then you realize, when you have no choice but to be strong…
        Sending prayers your way

        • The stories are so sad … So much can happen in a crazy time: my cheater left out of the blue …let the house go into foreclosure and left us penniless …meanwhile I lost my job . getting through one day at a time is my mantra . I think health also suffers because we’re so dam stressed !

      • GiddyEagle, big hugs, my mum died of lung cancer too, well over 20 years ago but it’s still raw. I hope she gets good palliative care. She will be surrounded with your love and your daughter’s. She must be so proud of you. Please tell yourself and her that you will be ok even if it takes time. She has done a good job with you she will watch over you.

      • Oh, Giddy Eagle, I’m so sorry that you’re having to carry such a heavy burden by yourself right now! It’s so hard to get out of bed and function some days, taking care of everyone else, and just trying to remember to breathe…but please don’t lose yourself in the middle of all this! Schedule time to pamper yourself because you need it to recharge your batteries. Nothing elaborate, mind you, just simple things like: a long luxurious bubble bath with a glass of wine, an afternoon with a good book & a cup of tea, or allow yourself a special treat for dessert…something rich, luscious and sinfully chocolate! Remember, if you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll have nothing left to give to others.

        I used to hear that God gives you only what you can handle…but then I wished he wouldn’t trust me so much! ? Sounds like you’re in this same boat, and I believe we’re in great company with the many others sharing our struggles. It’s a full boat!

        I will keep you and your Mother in my prayers. In the meantime, keep taking those baby steps forward. It may not seem like much progress is being made, but after some time, you’ll look behind you and see how far you’ve come! Stay strong and when things get overwhelming, come here and give a shout out to the CN and we’ll give you the hugs, love, strength & support to get you through this!

        • Thanks for the love and support. It’s amazing to me how much we can help one another without ever meeting or even knowing each other’s names.

      • Giddy Eagle,
        Several people in my family (four generations) have terminal illnesses and will likely die within the next few minths. Some including a five year old, died last year. Even family pet died this month. A few others have developed chronic disabilities or illnesses. I also have a chronic injury that has bothered me for four years. As such, although I don’t know exactly what you are going through, I have some idea. You sound very mighty to me.

        • I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Isn’t is mind-blowing to see that the world keeps spinning in spite of our personal tragedies? How can people go on about their daily lives when I can hardly breathe? And yet, they do, and we survive, one day at a time, until we re-enter the world of the living and reclaim our place in line.

    • DeAun, thank you so much for “get up off the fuck in floor”! Read you post yesterday and thought to myself, she is MIGHTY!
      Today, after my STBX came over to get some things I was crying lke a baby after he left…then your words came to me, GET THE FUCK OFF THE FLOOR! I did! It was empowering! It’s a gorgeous day out. I have things to do, people to see.
      Grateful for all the wisdom and sarcastic humor on this blog!
      Here’s to working towards perfect MEH!

  • I see a hamster: fluffy and cute, surprisingly noisy at times, finds a way to climb out of any situation, can’t be outstared, and has exceptionally long, sharp teeth.

    Oh. Wait. Poppy’s escaped again. SAKE!…. *reaches for falconry glove*

    • Want to hear something crazy?? I am lucyinthesky77 for all sorts of things I need aliases for. Isn’t that weird?

  • I think my patronus is a sloth — mean to comment earlier — I have NOT forgotten about my cartoon promise for the Christmas freak contest. It’s just that our office/studio doubles as a guest bedroom and my son was home for winter break and other son is there this weekend… as soon as it’s free, I’ll get ‘er done. Before the end of the month, because THEN we’ve got the Valentine’s contest. What a month…

  • Mine would be a cross between Willie Nelson and an owl. Willie because he is a Zen master in the face of catostrophic reversals in fortune (remember the IRS tapes?). An owl because they look you dead in the eye without blinking or flinching, and when they are done with you they rise up on powerful wings and depart without so much as a chirp or a squawk. Just flap . . . flap . . . GONE.

    • Can I perch on a limb with you, Nomar? I can do the two braids if it helps. Your weird mashup is just a perfect way to describe me. I was in a short relationship with a BPD freak before my cheater ex, and my first marriage fifteen years ago ended after six years with kind of a “we’re just not feeling this” fizzle. People always marvel at how I don’t lose my mind and freak out on my exes for neglecting/abusing/cheating but rather I just stand up and walk away. What’s the point, really? They aren’t going to hear me and ain’t nobody got time for that.


  • I’ve long likened the rage that descended 5 months after D-day, and lasted about another 6 months, as a hurdy gurdy monkey that refused to leave my shoulder. Most days, it hissed and spit and threw peanuts at passersby. He was demanding enough that I had to set up the rage monkey in the guest bedroom. Eventually he calmed down and would leave my shoulder for days at a time.

    Now, my patronus would be a fire-breathing dragon–more controlled, more dangerous, and willing to make a scary appearance at the first sign of cheater apologists or manipulation or victim-blaming of any kind. Thus far, the only scorched victim has been a dishonest real estate agent I encountered (though 2 people who have postulated a “get over it” attitude did get their eyebrows singed). A Switzerland friend who is espousing my X’s false equivalencies (that things I did were just as bad as what he did) could be next.

  • Meditation.
    I’ve been meditating daily for over a year now, I’ve gotten a delicious puppy, and when I go to get angry I just try to think about all the great things I have in my life now that I wouldn’t have if he hadn’t been an asshole.
    I guess inner peace is my greatest weapon. I think being great, peaceful, happy, landing on my feet is what hurts him the most.

    • Paintwidow – that is a good point. While life with my ex was a living hell, the fact of having come through it means that I appreciate every single thing in my life now – particularly the peace and financial security of not having him blow through both our pay checks. It is like being given a second shot at life.

  • Mine would be a Phoenix. Nobody can destroy me. Nobody owns me. Nobody gets to define me. I will always, without fail, rise again.

    • If we’re going with Scots heroes, I bagsies the Scathach, a warrior witch who lived in the Black Cuillins and taught Cuchullain everything he knew. She could change into a craw, a bruin or a wulluf. Patronustastic.

      My ex and his ilk? Mair like Sawney Bean, y’ken?

  • My sisters were always great (both would gladly have murdered the bastard for me) but I found quiet strength in my parents. Just before my mom died (at 94) she asked me if I would ever get married again – I told her I would rather have all my teeth out without an anaesthetic! She then looked at me and said “he was a real twat wasn’t he”! Oh man, I love my mom. Then one time I was asleep and my dad came to me in a dream – only he was actually a young child that I was struggling to take care of. Eventually I looked at child/dad and said “dad I just can’t do this on my own”, and my dad then became a young man and whispered in my ear “if you only realized how close I am to you”. That’s when I knew I could do it and get away from that God-awful life!

    But in the end I think my patronus is the howling wind. We get a really violent wind here called la bise, and when the bise is blowing I like to dress up really warm and go out in it. It is sometimes so strong it almost knocks you over, but it blows all the cobwebs and doubts away and I come back roaring like a she-wolf!

    • Wow … that was beautiful Attie. I recently lost my dad and despite our many issues in life, I do feel he is watching over me every single day.

      • I’m so sorry for your loss. You may think I’m in idiot (I probably am) but look out for a white feather – it is the symbol of your guardian angel! Some people think it is twaddle but I find it incredibly comforting and I know that mom and dad are with me all the way. God bless.

    • I lost my Dad in October. I know he would be proud of how far I’ve come. Before he died, he kept pushing me to keep going. I feel like he still is.

      • Cricket1114 – your dad is behind you 100%. I lost my dad 9 months before I married the DickHead. Before he passed, DickHead had asked for permission to marry me (my dad was very old school) and my dad felt like I had found the right one. 15 years later I go to the cemetery to talk to my dad about filing for divorce. I left the cemetery, went to a jewelry store and bought myself a silver 4 leafed clover pendant. I’ve been wearing that pendant and doing everything I can to make my dad proud since then. My Irish ancestry had made me fiesty! I have done everything I could to protect myself and my kids and take the high road. Not always easy, but I feel that my dad has definitely been there to help me along the way. After six years, I finally got ex to the courthouse two weeks ago and finalized everything. Its been a long haul, but I’ve never felt this close to Meh.

        • I’m an Irish/Scot…fiery, stubborn and strong! Kick-ass combo. Finally got him to settle just before court last week after 6 years, 6 months & 6 days of living in hell. And we all know what 666 denotes! Referred to him as BeelzeBob, but wasn’t clear on how appropriate a nickname it was until the end. The last laugh is mine. HA!

            • ChumpedOff,

              I had to laugh when I heard that satan’s secret PO Box is #66! HEHEHEHE!!!! I said, ‘Well of course it would HAVE TO BE!’ 😀

  • Right now my spirit animal is the Honeybadger. The HB is relentless, eats cobras, gets stung by bees like a thousand time and doesn’t give a sh*t. That’s what I strive for.

  • Racer X without doubt. From the 1970’s Japanese cartoon, Speed Racer.

    Racer X would help his brother, Speed Racer, win all the races all the while keeping him from dangers. Racer X would do this with anonymity.

    This patronas allows me to be tough skinned and to find my strength during dire times just as Racer X has done.

    Racer X proudly wears the number 9 along with other unsung heroes, Roger Maris, Robbie Gould and Ted Williams.

  • I had a great grandmother who I never met…my mothers fathers mother…her name was Elizabeth and she raised a big family while married to a bastard and life never gave her any second chances….she lied married to a man who they said would eat a steak dinner while he watched his wife and children starve.

    She raised her big family in a house in rural Kansas (where there are 2 seasons “too hot” and “too cold”)…I was told when her kids got unruly she would plop herself in the middle of the wood floor on her knees and pray the Rosary out loud. She was poor and without power her whole life. I was also married to a selfish bastard but I live in a time when I have autonomy & options plus my circumstances gave me education & money …all things Elizabeth didn’t have.

    I like to think that she would be proud of me. I live for her…the life she couldn’t have. I had a photo of her made into a pendant I wear on a chain and when I do important & exciting things, I speak to her as I put the necklace on..”Elizabeth, you are going with me today” .

    So many people in the past were served shit sandwiches and had no options..our sandwiches are shitty but we CAN break out of our circumstances if we choose to.

    • Unicornomore
      Fabulous. I’ll think of her too now.
      I often think of how strong women must have been through history. Just thinking of going without ‘sanitary products’ makes me go cold. How strong they must have been.
      My own angel, my grandma, WMH above gave birth in a bomb shelter in the Blitz.
      She killed a chicken once by cutting its head off for Xmas during rationing (it ran around and she hid in the outside toilet until it died) but no one could eat it as she had named it so they gave it to the cat and cried.
      She loved the last bit of the story. I always had to ask ‘what was its name’ and she would say ‘*****’ which was MY NAME. She always got a giggle out of that. I wasnt too sure of that myself!!

      • My nutty great aunt and her husband decided to get chooks at the start of WW2 (they lived in Paris then, he was an artist and she was a milliner) so they would at least have eggs to eat, and kill the odd chook for the pot. He had fought in WW1 and had become a pacifist and a communist. They decided not to have children because they didn’t want to make cannon fodder. How right they were!
        All the chooks ended up becoming pets, they used to jump on the dining table and share food with them, they could never bring themselves to kill one…

    • So writing this made me curious so I went to my account and looked Elizabeth up…she was born in 1874 and died in 1926…the exact age I am now. gulp. wow.

    • Thank you Unicorn

      Tears are running here!

      My grandmother, Mamie Virginia, had the same life as your great grandmother…thirteen children to care for and an abusive, alcoholic, violent, womanizing husband with no care for anyone or anything but himself and his selfish needs…before she died at 72 she told my SIL and I, ‘…don’t you girls live your lives for any man! Live your lives for yourself!’

      …she was my father’s mother…my father is just exactly like his father, and x – satan – is just exactly like both of them…

    • Wonderful story, spinning a legacy of abuse into threads of salvation.

      That’s this website in a nutshell: CL and all the chumps who have made it out saying, “Today, we’re taking you with us.”


  • Mine is an alligator, beautiful to look at in captivity but will snap you in two with its jaws when needed.

  • Mine is one half Meghan Trainor. I listen to her songs pretty much everyday. That girl really understands boundaries, how not to take crap in relationships, how to love yourself and how to be good to others. The other half of my patronus is the me I discovered after Dday: the desperate/crazy hunt for truth, finding it, confirming in triplicate (hey, this couldn’t be possible, right?) and then crawling into the corner at work and snotty sobbing (“he’s still with herrrrrrr”) while my poor, confused co-worker awkwardly patted me on the shoulder and said it would be ok. And, you know what? I REALLY heard him, and realized he was fucking RIGHT. I wiped my nose on my jeans, finished the work day, picked up my older son from daycare, and after putting the kiddos to bed told my husband we are getting a divorce, he needs to move out and no thank you I’m not interested in MC, you are a bad person (still not sure why it came out so polite…). Some days I don’t feel badass me so much, so then I lean on Meghan more. She’s always there for me, as long as the batteries on my phone don’t run out 😉

  • Mine would be a huge, resonant gong. (Not an animal, I know, but whatever.) I fell victim to my ex’s words over and over again. I made the mistake of reacting emotionally to his actions but always making choices based on his words (and therefore his lies). My patronus is a big, deeply resonant gong that drowns out everything my ex says so I can look, see, and decide for myself what I believe. When ex starts jabbering, I whack that gong and he shuts the hell up because he realizes that his words no longer have power over me.

    • Oooh. I like the gong idea! 🙂 I think I’ll go search for an audio file of a gong to play on my phone as needed. Perfect!

      • Oh, this is so good!!! I love it! I was like you always listening to his words (so many lies!), but reacted emotionally to his actions. And when I would, which wasn’t very often, the narc rage, gaslighting or mindfuckery would appear.

  • Like Tracy, I summoned up my own patronus & named her Wendy MadWolf. Anger was her middle name! I got better & better at setting aside raw emotion & that feeling of victimhood, letting WMF take the reins. Gathering Intel, hiring the PI, lining up ducks pre-confrontation. Afterward, getting ex in the polygraph chair, and ultimately catching him in various acts that proved he wasnt the unicorn he was pretending to be, kicking him out & hiring the lawyer. All Wendy. I was still allowed to cry & wallow from time to time but Wendy always snapped me out of it.

    Early in the discovery process I had joined a small forum of fellow chumps and we all discussed this subject…stepping out of our human selves & into super-hero mode. When times got tough , our motto was ‘Cape On’. We joked about earning merrit badges for our capes for every mighty task completed.
    Cape On has remained my motto. Like getting dressed for work – you have a job to do. That job is taking care of you, your kids & your future. Completing a task always helps lift you up, even if only a little each time. Baby steps.

  • My patronus is a queen. I have declared myself to be the queen of my own life. I got a crown tattoo to remind me I am in charge of my life and my destiny. When life gets me down I imagine reaching up and straightening my crown (white gold with lots of diamonds and blue topaz) and moving on.

  • Wonder Woman with fiery red hair has taken over as my patronus. I now have so much WW stuff from friends and family, I am surrounded by her/my badassery all day. Even my cheater ex gave me a gold WW ring that couldn’t have been too cheap. He knows what he lost.

  • I’m a Leo, so I gotta go Lion too. A female lion.

    I love how they always look so chill. Look – I’ve got these cubs hanging all over me, I’ve got to chase dinner. It’s hot as fuck in the savannah, but I put up with it. But you screw with me, and you are mince meat. Then I go lay back down, lick my paws, and act bored.

    That’s pretty much what my divorce was like.

  • This is a great topic for me!

    Here’s a relevant excerpt from my profile:

    A skinwalker is a person with the ability to turn into any animal they desire. The Navajo skinwalker is known as ‘yee naaldlooshii’ and is a variety of Navajo witch.

    Skinwalkers are most frequently seen as coyotes, wolves, foxes, eagles, owls or crows.

    In my fantasies, I am a skinwalker and I can stalk and pounce on Narcissistic Cheater Fuckwits taking the guise of whatever animal I need to be!

  • On D-day I became my inner “Mama Bear” to protect myself and my children.
    While I wavered many times in the ensuing 2 1/2 years of the legal battle with the narcissist, my Mama Bear self stayed strong and saved me.

  • My Patronus has always been Erin Brockovich. Maybe she doesn’t qaulify as a “Patronus” but I take inspiration from her. This woman built her life from nothing and spoke her mind along the way.

    Any time I’m feeling beat down, demoralized or feeling sorry for myself I conjur my inner Erin Brockovich.

    I’ll ask myself, What would Erin Brockovich do in this situation?

    She would stand up for herself and/or stand up for the rights of others.

    Rock on Erin Brockovich! You’re my hero.

  • Definitely a dragon. I go along minding my own business, doing my thing until he pokes at me or our kids. Then it is red eyes and flames shooting out of my mouth. A big strong spiky tail completes the look.

  • I would say mine is the Phoenix. My X married the OW in 2015. I got the following message from the OW right after the wedding. “We are choking on the dust and ashes of our enemies.” I posted a picture of the Phoenix Rising out of the ashes on my facebook. Under it I wrote, “The Phoenix rises from the dust and ashes. She shakes the dust of the past from her wings. She looks toward the sun and the new day rising. She stretches her wings and reaches for the future.” I never heard a reply back.

  • Mine would be a gorilla, because I’m learning it’s OK to be big and strong, and fierce. I made myself small to be with him, I make myself big to walk away.

  • Mine is the rabbit that guards the cave of Caerbannog in the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The knights underestimated the power of the bunny until it rips out the neck of several fully armored knights armed with swords and shields. The bunny even makes one knight “soil his armor”

    Yep, my patronus is the killer bunny

  • I’m a jaguar. Quiet, graceful … and one with my surroundings.

    But inside is a warrior who will no longer be fucked with by xhole or those like him.

    I’ll growl one time ~ but that’s just a warning. Fuck with me again ~ see ya!

  • I am so struggling with this one. There have been quite a few times in my life where a rescue of sorts was needed … an abusive father, a bad work situation, a bad marriage. In each case, the only person around who seemed willing to spring the trap was me. And it always took me a while to get to that point of “this is bullshit … I’m done!” Rather than an animal or a person, I think the best I can do is reference an act of nature … a tornado. AHA!!! The Tasmanian Devil from Bugs Bunny cartoons. That’s it!!! Phew … that was stressful!! ha ha

  • I can honestly say I do not know what my patronus is but I know it sits quietly without interrupting me, on one shoulder and then is tries the other shoulder just guiding me along. It has kept me safe for 65 years as of yesterday and I can honestly say that something (!) has guided me along the long and winding road. Things have not turned out as I would have hoped and/or wanted but that is life. I also think I have an inner strength that I truly didn’t know I had but I do now. We Chumps learn the hard way but we learn unlike our exes.

    • Happy Birthday, Maree! Your strength is legendary. It ought to be unnecessary. But I was told once long ago by a very wise woman that if need be, we can reach right down to our toenails to find strength and courage. You have, and others will, and just knowing there is such a place to reach is inspirational. Hugs to you. You put the M in Mighty.

    • Maree, I struggle with this idea at the moment. The divorce is almost final. I am going to get up front cash and a rollover retirement. Plus, my vehicle and certain pictures, most of the furniture and books. But, he developed Parkinson’s, so the progression of the disease has made the narc more angry because he is a doctor and this doesn’t happen to them. He is making sure that the only person who was caregiving is gone out of anger at the disease. So the ego of the narc with such a difficult disease has caused the divorce and manipulation by the family narcs. It’s all about money , honey. Anyways, I was told today by my attorney that he does have the disease and I am too young to give my life caregiving for someone who is gone. Plus, he said that his children were never going to accept me despite the 20 years married. I cried as though he died. I am weak, but I am strong because my friends pull me out of the pit. I am free and moving on. But, I grieve that he is alive with this disease and doesn’t want the person who was there through everything. My sister said that she felt God was protecting me from danger because he was becoming more abusive verbally and mentally. I did snark at him. But , it’s sad when you are finally free and they are more than a narc. They got a very narc disease. I will be mighty, just today I am grieving his disease.

      • Dear saw, you are mighty but you are just not aware of it. You will grieve which is to be expected. You have been a loving, loyal and supportive wife and now your life has changed. You know saw, forget about his kids never accepting you, that is for them to sort out. I know it hurts and badly because my 2 adult kids prefer their father and his SE Asian prostitute and I have been rejected, so the hurt is very acute but it will and it does diminish with time. You are free now to be you and to be happy and in due course when your heart and your head are aligned your world will open up to many new and wonderful things. My very best to you. ((HUGS))

  • My patronus is my grandfather whom I never met. He was a handsome, fierce-looking half Blackfoot Native American. I went to a Tarot card reading once 15 years ago and she told me that there were several men standing around and watching over me. Particularly in Native American dress. (I believe her as she would not have known that about my heritage) It was particularly comforting for me and as a woman, allows me the ability to see men in a good light as chivalrous, fierce protectors.

    My other patronus is my inner bad-ass. I may be a nice, peaceful person, but I’m not a pushover, so as soon as my understanding turns into impatience and my brain says “I’m done”… I quietly execute any plan and I won’t stop until it’s done. If anyone ever gets an earful from me, they MORE than deserve it…

    • Wow, a lot of the commenters look up to their grand/great grands as their guardians. I was once close to my grandparents but as I got older I had less chances to be with them and eventually they passed on… I once promised my granny (mother side) to introduce STBX but in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t since he is such an embarrasment.

  • You know how when two heavyweight boxers are getting ready to go at it and they are face to face and they stare each other down? . . . I adopted your phrase, Tracy, “Stare that Mother Fucker Down”. I have a post-it note on my computer with two eyes drawn (mine) and that phrase written on the note. I’m still battling to get legally free and whenever I start to get nervous, uneasy, or mad (which is always) I see my note and stiffen my spine.

        • “Enough” is a visceral response to too damn fucking much shit. It’s a physical manifestation of a deal breaker.

          • Yes – I had a moment when my whole body reacted to the thought of continuing to eat shit sandwiches. I felt so tired and unable to move, like all the million tiny cells in my body were holding a protest against further harm!

    • It’s not hard to do when someone is cruel and disgusting, is it?!. Especially once you realize that you deserve better. A death stare is another phrase for it!

  • Mine is a dragon. Sleeping peacefully, but once you awaken me I breathe fire and brimstone and burn your ass to the ground.

  • Hm, interesting idea.
    It’s that BIG voice that tells me “get your shit together!” when I felt down. Or that tells me “I’m awesome!” whenever I get feelings of not being enough. This is the will that drags me out of bed in the morning and makes me put on makeup and a smile on my face. This is an amazon, wouldn’t you agree? A fierce Amazon! Beautiful and feared!

  • Mine is the old me, 19 years ago before I “fell in love” with an alcoholic, abusive, lying serial cheater. A few months of almost no contact has given me a new perspective of how he slowly ratcheted up the abuse over the years. A few years of therapy helped me find myself again, and a few weeks of the wonderful chumps here helped me find the old me again. That girl that used to not take shit from anyone and knew how to spot those who disrespect or disregard me and quickly expunge those losers from my life. I’m back baby, I’m back!

  • Sansa Stark.

    Pragmatic and smart, she understood that she had duty to fulfill, but when she was abused by Ramsay Bolton, she fed him to his own dogs.

  • Music was my therapy, so my Patronus would have to be a mix of Sully Erna, David Draiman, and Lzzy Hale. Kickass, angry cathartic hard rockers.

  • Atticus Finch. His calm wisdom and strength continues to inspire me to maintain dignity throughout hardship and challenge. I wanted to be angry (and was) and exact retribution, but that calm wise voice kept reminding me to be the best person *I* could be throughout the whole nightmarish process.

  • Mine would be a Cheetah. I am patiently gathering and documenting everything I can in order to ensure that the kids and I get the financial outcome that we deserve (as STBX tries to hides assets and income). I am also trying to have conversations with my kids so that they recognize manipulation tactics and learn to set boundaries and to admit mistakes/apologize/make amends. And finally, I am trying to keep them close to make sure they know they are loved in the hopes that they will be equipped to never be a chump or a cheater in the future.

    Patience is a virtue, especially when it comes to being a cheetah mom. At any given time, females usually have four to six cubs to care for, but these kids aren’t born with survival instincts. It’s up to mom to teach them how to hunt prey and avoid other predators, and this training can take nearly two years to sink in and stick.

  • Hmmm. Has CL done a post on the people/characters who inspire us to be mighty? I certainly resonate with the ones mentioned here…Meghan Trainer, Erin Brockovich, inspiring relatives, etc. I’d add Nick Vujicic and Ernestine Shepherd to the list. …and of course, Wonder Woman. 🙂 ….maybe DeadPool. LOL 😉

  • Honestly, mine were Sandra Bullock and Elin Nordegren. Women who left their cheater narcs. Their resilience and self-love inspired me. There was also a certain air of “Oh, fuck no!” about them both that I channeled when times got tough. They are my spirit animals of getting de-chumped 🙂

    • K – this reminds me of a great meme… “Underestimate me. That will be fun.” Sandra and Elin were both class A women in the shit-storm. 🙂

    • I got a lot of consolation from these two women (Jennifer Aniston, too), and I kind of feel bad about deriving gain from their pain. If someone can hurt these beautiful women, then maybe, just maybe, I am not actually such a peace of dirt that someone can feel comfortable about hurting me. Maybe it is the cheater that is the problem and it has nothing to do with me. It took me a very long time to get there mentally, and these women helped me tremendously.

      The strength, dignity and self respect these women demonstrated was truly inspiring. They will never know how much they helped me.

        • Amen! There is something truly beautiful about destroying stuff that you once cherished.

          When I still lived with the cheater, I took great joy in destroying stuff. And my cheater said to me, “Martha. Can you please stop destroying stuff?” And with that comment, I took the wedding picture that I loved that was in our living room for 20 years — I held it with both hands and said to the cheater, “This is what I think of our sham of a marriage.” And I ripped it in half and threw it at him.

          • Yes, there is something really beautiful about destroying things you once cherished with a cheater.

            My exhole is a contractor. I destroyed many things that were special only to us and put them in a dumpster I knew he would see ~ and said nothing.

            The feeling of elation walking away from that dumpster with all those precious things obliterated actually made me laugh out loud!

      • I am betting he is trying to subtly or not so subtly say: Gwen got so unreasonable about my cheating. Why did she have to take a perfectly workable situation (for me), get all pissy, and make things all about her?

        • I can’t wait to read the UBT run through that. Or perhaps there has been one and I missed it? It is old news, after all. It’s just I’ve just come out of a shit hole of a divorce and I can read behind cheater’s words

  • My badass cowboy boots 🙂 have to be my patronus. I wore them with my expensive suits for every court date for the seemingly never ending divorce from that evil bastard. I pulled em on and suddenly I was BADASS! I was able to stand up to him and every stupid, expensive thing he threw at me, time after time after time! And, when it was finally over, I pulled em on and walked my BADASS self away from him FOREVER 😀

    Thank you,
    The End PERIOD


  • My patronus is my son (as an adult man). I imagine him telling me that he needs me to model strength and fairness to him. He needs me to model integrity and love and faithfulness to him. He needs me to model consequences and boundaries to him. He needs me to be the sane parent so he can thrive. And, when I envision having been this woman/Mom for him, I see a man standing tall in the world, confident in himself and his ability to love and never be a Chump.

    • This brought a tear to my eye, Meh. You are mighty, and your son is so lucky to have a fierce momma like you!

  • Very interesting idea. Mine would be my Viking warrior foremothers. Fierce as shit, no compunction about hacking an enemies’ limb off, ice blue eyes like mine, a mane of strawberry blonde hair flowing behind. Strong.

  • What is a sarcastic animal? I tend to like otters, or orcas, both are intelligent and evil, I want an animal that is mostly benign but if you mess with them, then they will fuck your shit up for you. Some may call me an angry, vengeful person, I just like to think of it as the Scorpio in me. Maybe that’s it – the Scorpion! Let me go on my doodling scorpy way, exploring shit, living my life, but poke me with a stick or mess with my comfy home rock, and I will sting the everloving out of you. But otters are fluffy…

  • You may all think I’m very wierd, but I just realized who mine is…Pippi Longstocking!
    I had a happy and untamed childhood, and as things came to an end with Pinhead after 30 years, and I tried to look back on when could remember being happy in life, it was around that “Pippi” age of 9 or 10. I was reading all those Pippi books at a ferocious pace at around that age, and that’s the age she is in the books.
    The pressures of parenthood (my children are grown now) and adulthood took me so far away from who I was as a kid, during those happy times. I really had forgotten who I was at the core, but the answer is, now that I really think about it: a non-Swedish, non-redheaded version of Pippi. Independent, physically strong, an animal lover, good-humored and a bit of a rebel.
    So from now on when I question who I am inside, I’ll think of Pippi.
    Thanks for this question, CL…it really got me smiling inside.

  • I do like that Aretha is there in your patronus Chumplady, ready to read a cheater to filth. On another forum I used to frequent, there used to be lots of trolls that would start their pot-stirring trawsl on intersectionality with ‘As a strong black woman…’, (when they were in all probability a flabby white man in his momma’s basement), and this immediately brings that to mind.

  • I think mine would be the Iron Giant, from the animated movie. He is strong and naive and loving and fiercely loyal. You don’t realize he has the potential to become a weapon until he needs to be. He gets blown up, but has the ability to put himself together again, and so he does.

    “You are who you choose to be.”

  • Fellow Chumps this is for each of you and I hope you do not think it is too simplistic for your problems. I am not trying to down play anyones issues but I have always found this poem to be soothing. My mother used to recite this poem to me and my siblings about 55 years ago. Even though mum was part of our childhood problems, she tried her best to show us that there is/was a way forward in life. My sister and my 2 brothers have a copy of this poem in our homes as does each of our children. I hope you enjoy.


    If you think you’re beaten you are,
    If you think you dare not, you don’t,
    If you’d like to win, but think you can’t,
    It’s almost a cinch you won’t.
    If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost,
    For out in the world you’ll find,
    Success begins with a fellow’s will,
    It’s all in the state of the mind.

    Full many a fight is lost,
    Ere ever a race is run,
    And many a coward fails,
    Ere ever his work’s begun.
    Think big and your deeds will grow,
    Think small and you’ll fall behind,
    Think that you can and you will,
    It’s all in the state of the mind.

    If you think you’re outclassed, you are,
    You’ve got to think high to rise,
    You’ve got to be sure of yourself before,
    You can ever win a prize.
    Life’s battles don’t always go,
    To the stronger or faster man,
    But sooner or later the man that wins,
    Is the fellow who thinks he can.

    • Thanks Maree!
      I used to watch a kids show with the traitor’s son when he was 3. There was a great little rhyme in it which I always use:
      If you’ve got a big job,
      You can do it,
      Don’t quit!
      Do it little by little,
      Bit by bit.

  • Great idea, Chump Lady, thanks for making us think of this. I love a lot of the patronuses that have been mentioned, especially (since it was one of the last one I read) the idea of our children in their adult form, looking back on how we coped with our lives, and how we raised them. And thanks for turning me on to Randy Rainbow! So much fun!

    But mine would have to be Kwai Chang Caine (do any of you remember the old series “King Fu”?). Quiet, humble, peaceful, meditative, an ascetic, traveling through an often hostile land in a kind of mystic journey. Just don’t fuck with him, or treat others cruelly, ’cause he will fuck your shit up, and then leave just as peacefully as he came. A bit of an understated justice seeker.

  • Little cousin of Yang Metal Rat is my anger. My would be protectors are the birds, all of the birds on the planet, unfortunately they aren’t very good at it.

  • I have been angry for three years. Yep I know I should be over it but I remain seethingly, overpowering mad as a hell cat. But, I had a dream the other night in which, as John Wick I wiped out all my enemies with a sword. I woke up feeling great and then realised it was only a dream. Curses, they still live. It did make me feel a lot better though. So I think I would have John Wick at my back. Be afraid you monsters, be very afraid.

  • My patronus would be a ChubbChubb and sing karaoke to both Aretha Franklin’s “r-e-s-p-e-c-t” and Aretha and Annie Lennox version of “sisters are doin’ it for themselves”
    I may not be black but Aretha and her singing makes every lady feel like she is the queen of the species and there ain’t no king !
    And if x ever tries to approach me I’m a ChubbChubb.

    • Hey just an afterthought and probably done before but do any of us have great suggestions for song playlists that kind of help get through the mess of being betrayed. I loved a lot of Aretha but there are some other other great songs out there for us ladies and our male chumps as well!

      • I have my own short list of classics, surely not for everyone’s taste, but here goes:

        Beck, Sea Change and Morning Phase (meditative, sad but cool break-up albums)

        George Harrison, Isn’t it a Pity, All Things Must Pass

        Norah Jones: Miriam, and Happy Pills (watch the videos; they’re chump revenge stories)

        • The Beatles’ Rubber Soul album is full of angry breakup songs: Think for Yourself, I’m Looking Through You, You Won’t See Me, Run For Your Life

        • oaktree 🙂

          Glad to see you are doing better! Knew you would! 🙂

          I love this! …course…Hugo is a guy…so…from a woman’s perspective…this fits us gals too 🙂

          Love it!

          Mourning by Tantric (such an awesome voice!)

      • Landslide – I like Dixie Chicks version
        Fucking Perfect – Pink
        Hell No – Ingrid Michaelson
        A Little Time – Beautiful South
        Irreplaceable – Beyoncé
        Fuck You – CeeLo Green
        Ugly Heart – GRL
        You’ll be okay – A Great Big World
        Used to Love You – Gwen Stefani
        I can see clearly now – Jimmy Cliff
        It ain’t me babe – Johnny Cash
        Love Yourself – Justin Beiber (I know, I know, but there are lots of good covers!)
        Where did I leave that fire – Neko Case
        Don’t Come to Me – Nick Jaina
        Hello my old heart – the O Hellos
        So What – Pink

      • My moving on playlist:

        Interlude: Moving On – Paramore
        Last Hope – Paramore
        Problem – Ariana Grande (feat. Iggy Azalea)
        Perfect Illusion – Lady Gaga
        Trouble – Iggy Azalea
        Black Widow – Iggy Azalea
        Let It Go – James Bay
        On My Way (Lost Kings Remix) – Cardiknox
        Hero – Cash Cash (feat. Christina Perri)
        Body of My Own – Charli XCX
        Roar – Katy Perry
        Rolling in the Deep – Adele
        Numb – Linkin Park
        In the End – Linkin Park
        Love Myself – Hailee Steinfeld
        Titanium – David Guetta (feat. Sia)* – recently added this as suggested by someone in the comment section above 😛

  • My songs of resilence:

    1) Icono Pop – I love it
    2) Katy Perry – Roar
    3) Taylor Swift – We are never ever getting back together
    4) Carly Simon – You’re so vain
    5) No Doubt – It’s My Life
    6) Barenaked Ladies – Told you so
    7) Ben Folds Five – Selfless, Cold and Composed

    I basically played these on a loop, and poured all of my anger into training for triathlons. I never before ran consistently in my life, and got myself to the point at which I could run 4 miles average 7:40 per mile, and won my age group in a couple triathlons. It’s hard for me to believe now! But every time I got mad, I just pictured myself strong and fast, and his hung-over, alcohol reeking, blood shot face. I should have left long before he started his affair, but I’m much happier now that I’m out of it.

    • Kelly Clarkson song Stronger
      This song played nearly non-stop during my darkest days! I danced to it and sang at the top of my lungs when I could! Also, Let it Go from Frozen and Katy Perry’s Roar!

  • I have a daily dose of Chump Lady everyday after work. My DD of 17 knows this and wanted to know what the topic was today. So I asked her what she thought my patronus was. She replied “Mom you are a killer whale and you just kept swimming”. Gosh, I love my kiddo!

  • Part Sandra Bullock because she kicked a lying cheater to the curb with grace and style, and stayed fabulous. Part Lt. Eve Dallas in the In Death series of books by J. D. Robb, (aka as Nora Roberts). Eve Dallas is a kick ass, take no prisoners, what you see is what you get kind of woman who plays fair, stands up for the little people, takes no shit and eats narcissistic weenies for breakfast. She started from a place of abuse and victimization and rebuilt her life into one of strength and honor. In the first book of the series, Naked In Death, you get an inkling of where she started and even though she is just a character in a book, she is an awesome role model. The series is half science fiction, half murder mystery, and totally amazing. A great start for getting in touch with your inner she (or he) dragon!

  • My patronus is probably one part Samuel L. Jackson, two parts Kali Ma, one part Morrigan and one part Bridget, Celtic Goddess.

    The combination of the four is Chef Lady. She is who I became after leaving Voldemort. That makes me a death dealing badass who likes to chop shit up, cook it, and eat it.

    Heh heh heh.

  • I’m still trying to summon mine so I think I imagine it like me doing my best to be mighty and then having an army of CN chumps materializing to give me support and strength!!!

  • My patronus…Michael Collins….freedom fighter and mastermind of war of independence who nonchalantly pedalled a bicycle around my city hiding in plain sight with a price on his head.Indomitable.Clever.Cool.It helped that Liam Neeson played him in the film of the same name.
    I invoked his spirit many times while in the eye of the shitstorm.

  • Chump Nation 🙂

    Welcome to our new lives! (cue the confetti, face stretching smiles and BELLY LAUGHS!)

    <3 love to all of you aaaaaammmmmaaaaazzzziiiiinnnnggggg souls! :*


  • Not really a patronus but the thing that has dragged me up out of a crying snotty mess several times (seems to happen often when I drive home from work) is the image of Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire – driving and screaming at the top of his lungs while pounding the steering wheel….. ‘cos I’m FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE – free falling’ lol. So I do the same, just that bit of the song… because it reminds me that I am indeed FREE – free of a lying cheating SOB

  • I have been so mighty this past year, but when I think of a Patronus, it makes me sad. I am embarrassed to think about my grandfather and what he would think of the choices I made. It is hard to see the discordinance between his love for me and the non-existent love my X had. I would have had him as my patronus, but I can’t help feeling that he would be sorely disappointed in my choices. This wasn’t my first poor relationship.

    • “This wasn’t my first poor relationship.”
      oh,god, no….not even my second. Heavy sigh.
      Free of cheaters & narcs but have no idea about my patronus. I limp through life wishing I actually felt ‘proud like the peacock’ as my now-dead cheater father told me to be.
      A coworker gave me a button that says “Piss me off, pay the consequences” after a powerful person tried to ‘get’ me. He’s gone, I’m still there. I have strength, but can’t think how to characterize it.

  • Dear IATC
    Glad that you are mighty. Please don’t feel disappointed in the choice of your relationships – you had the best intentions at heart and you invested 100% with out a doubt. You got played ,that’s what happened.

  • “Paralyzed with depression and indecision “… so you know the feeling? I feel so stuck. I’m 54 and stbx left me for another. Never admitted he was having an affair. Now that we are separated, he says “We’re separated. I am allowed to date.”


    “Dating” the woman who worked out with you at the gym for months…and he drives everything.

    its been a year and a half since he “emailed” me he wanted a divorce and I’m still waiting for a settlement/alimony. And he tells me to move on.

    Never felt this low in my life.

    • Still waiting for a settlement after a year and a half? It’s time for you to start driving the train. Have you filed for divorce? If not, talk to your attorney and get it done. That gives him a deadline, if no settlement by the court date, a judge will decide. Time to go Jedi Ninja on his ass.

      That stuck feeling? I’ve been there, it sucks. I call it ‘going tharn’ (comes from the book Watership Downm an excellent story). Tharn is when you are afraid to move, can’t decide whether to run or fight so you freeze. Time to fight! Get help with the depression if you need to. Get PISSED off. Find your angry patronis! Make decisions!

      Jedi Hugs!

      • Thank you so much for replying to this. I feel my hands are tied because we have no assets together and he never made one penny during our marriage. All before me. In 16 years of marriage he bought our house Year 14; we were renting up until then. Whenever I would say hey let’s buy a house, he’d answer, “why does the world have to revolve around you?”. I was stay at home mom, so no income on my own. I feel like the biggest failure looking for work at 54. Used to have a good career as software trainer….and now. ..esteem is way low. So I don’t want to rock the boat and push for settlement because he determines the amount because the money is all his. Having said that, k sent him so many emails in the last year “yelling at him” that I’m sure the amount will decrease. And the boys have been with me solely all this time. They love him but hate what he did to me and don’t want to live in two homes (14 and 16 years old). He’s pisssd and thinks it’s all my fault. It’s one big ugly mess. Honestly, I don’t recognize my “frozen state”. I gave never been this way. Even making simple decisions, so, so, simple…like what to wear, when to grocery shop, turn left or right requires so much effort. I’m so mad at myself.

        • Mjo, you need to set the wheels in motion he doesn’t “decide” how much you derserve. My STBX thought he could pay me off with an offer of 300k ( our house alone is worth 1.375M) as what he called “services rendered”. I laughed at him and said don’t thinks so buddy – I knew I had been married with him for 22yrs and had kids under 18 years of age. Courts are always going to favour the mother ( here in Australia-not sure where you are?) esp if you have the most custody
          Admittedly I’m “stuck” too as he is making my life a misery refusing to do any negotiations etc. BUT the fact that I filed means legally he can’t spend the assest etc that we had while married. You need to do this. No court will let you walk away with nothing, even if you didn’t do paid work outside the home.
          Good luck , you can really do this and I bet once you file you get an email from him LOL

          • It is he who has filed! He asked for a divorce June 2015, stayed in the house for four more months while the house he bought down the street was vacated. We attended six mediation sessions in the meantime (only discussing custody until then…) we both agreed to the ratio of custody but I commented “how will we get the children to your house if they don’t want to go?” (The kids needed healing as well). Next thing you know there’s a bailiff at my door. So this case has been dragging over a year now. In the meantime, he has gutted his house and made it into a “pottery barn”. So he is using his assets you deem “ours”. I do have a lawyer. Apparently whatever money he made before me (which is all of it–we were living on his savings is his). Are you suggesting that if I filed rather than he, that the assets would be frozen?

        • Did you sign a prenup?
          You have kids with this man and were married for 16. You do have joint assets. You have half of what he has, even if it is in his name. That is how the law works.
          A good lawyer will help you immensely.

          • No prenup. I have good lawyer (recommended to be by a paralegal friend)…apparently what you bring into the marriage is yours (he didn’t make any money during our fact he lost due to bad management and investment). Honestly, am I missing something ?? Because three lawyers gave me the same answer thus far…and he is so mad at me because the kids won’t live with him (doesn’t understand that they’re upset because he cheated –which he denies) and is seeing the woman he denies cheating with). When he first asked for a divorce, a lawyer I consulted with said ask him for a ballpark. What he intends to leave you. He gave me a dollar amount (which was 1/5 of his net and a new car (mine was 15 years old). NOW, he says “everything is on the table” because he thinks I’m the one holding the kids back. I finally, FINALLY got an email from his lawyer Friday saying he is prepared to give me an offer.

        • Go get a free consult with a divorce lawyer, dear. After 16 years of marriage, I promise you it is not all “his” … the divorce laws are on the books to protect people just like you. Go find out. Hugs.

  • Another Harry Potter inspired tool. 🙂 Love it! Definitely adding this to Obliviate and Riddikulos.

    My anger patronus is a Phoenix. I have risen from the ashes, reborn.

  • I know they get a bad rap here, but my patronus would actually be a unicorn. Ironically, we just re-watched the entire Harry Potter series this week and I love this quote about unicorns:

    “Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have slain something so pure and defenceless to save yourself, you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips.” – Firenze to Harry Potter

    Unicorns are magical, strong, fierce, beautiful and because they don’t exist in real life, they represent hope. I am all those things – magical, strong, fierce, beautiful, with hope in things to come. Though I may have been beaten down with the weight of my ex’s affairs, that was not a reflection on my weakness but on the evil in him to try to slay someone defenseless for his own gain and power.

  • My dad……one of the most loyal, dedicated, honorable man I’ve ever known! He took no shit. He is passed now almost a year. ;( Very sadly missed.

  • Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter”!

    Makes me that much stronger
    Makes me work a little bit harder
    Makes me that much wiser
    So thanks for making me

    A fighter

    Made me learn a little bit faster
    Makes my skin a little bit thicker
    Makes me that much smarter
    So thanks for making me

    A fighter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • When I finally unleashed the pent up fury of thousands of days and nights at the hands of a diabolical narcissist, my Parronus came to me as a combination Kraken, Mothra, Godzilla and that egg-laying momma from Alien. HE GONE. “GRRRRRAAARRRGGGHHHHHAAAHHHHHMWAAAAGGG!!!!!!!”

  • I used to play the song
    GET OFF MY BACK by Bryan Adams
    From the movie- Spirit

    I love all the songs. They are about freedom and staying true to yourself

  • My patronus was a piece of me I lost when I tried to conform to my dick of a husbands requests. I wasn’t going to be the sad beat down betrayed wife, never. I took a step back and my former Marine came out! Do not fuck with me, I am a fucking Marine and I will fucking destroy you! I kept this mentality throughout my healing and divorce. Once a Marine always a Marine.

  • >