A few months ago, I met a guy at a bar. We hit it off, and I invited him back to my place. I asked him if he was single; he said he was. He also said he was closeted. We started hooking up regularly.
Then, a week ago, I happened to see him downtown with a woman and two kids. Surprised, I looked him up on Facebook, and found out that he has a wife and three daughters.
I wasn’t okay with that. I never agreed to be an affair partner. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he was scared of how people would react if they knew he was gay. Which is pathetic, because he’s a grown-ass 31-year-old adult! In Coastal California! He also said that coming out would be “too difficult”, because his family is homophobic.
Yes. He had the nerve to complain about the difficulties of coming out, to me, knowing full well that I was kicked out of my home at age 16 because my parents found out I was gay.
I’m starting to wonder if he’s actually bisexual, and I’m just a typical “other woman”.
Right now, I feel disgusted with myself. I know that’s irrational, but I can’t help it.
I have no interest in ever seeing this guy’s face (let alone his dick) again. But how should I go about telling the wife?
And more importantly, what the fuck is his problem? There are lots of guys who sleep around with married men; why couldn’t he have fucked around with one of them, instead of lying to me about his marital status? If he is actually gay, why did he feel like it was okay for him to marry a woman under false pretenses? And why isn’t he being open with his wife? It’s not like he’s facing the threat of homelessness!
Also, how do I stop giving a shit?
Promiscuous with Principles
Yes, tell the wife. If you read here much, I nearly always say tell, tell, TELL. Shout it from a mountain-top, send it in a Facebook message, deliver it registered mail. Sign your name. Give details. Don’t do it half-assed and anonymous. Let her ask you questions. Rock her world — it is a KINDNESS. One that every. single. chump. here wishes someone gave them, and saved them years of their life, money, and STDs.
My exhortations on telling are everywhere on this blog. I’m more interested in your other questions.
Also, how do I stop giving a shit?
You shouldn’t stop giving a shit. You’re a principled, moral person who cares. Don’t turn that off. You hate lies and injustice. You hate being chumped by this creep, and you hate that he’s chumping someone else. Do the right thing and tell. Let this woman have the dignity of truth. (And maybe send her over to the Straight Spouse Network to chat with people similarly hoodwinked.)
And more importantly, what the fuck is his problem?
He’s a Cluster B nut cluster. He likes deceit. That’s his real high, not promiscuity — it’s duping. He likes the power of getting over on people and using them. You were of use. She’s of use. The sad sausage act of “it’s so hard to come out of the closet” — is bullshit. Is coming out harder than living a double life and risking your wife’s health and welfare? No, hooking up with a guy he meets at a bar (I’m sure you’re not his first) doesn’t seem to pain him in the least. The closet is the perfect operating base for cake. (Having his affairs and his marriage.)
I pity his wife. When she finds her anger and grief at being duped, he’ll probably call her homophobic. The problem is really Her Lack of Acceptance of the Real Him. (Apparently he had that problem as well.) He’ll mindfuck her with the old It’s Not What I Did, It’s Your Reaction to It. Does she hates gays? No, she probably hates being lied to and having her health risked. Send her here. I’ll help her with the distinction.
Any who, I’m not minimizing the pain and the bravery it must take to come out of the closet — as you yourself know — and all the risks therein. But this guy doesn’t live in 1963 — he lives in 2017. Gay marriage is legal (and it better fucking stay that way or I’ll have to keep marching and yelling at things every weekend.)
One lesson you might want to take away from this clusterfuck is don’t date closeted men. You don’t share the same values. You’re brave and self accepting. They’re in hiding.
There are lots of guys who sleep around with married men; why couldn’t he have fucked around with one of them, instead of lying to me about his marital status?
Because he PREFERS the lie. See duping above. It’s the power imbalance that he’s after. He knows something you (and his wife) don’t know.
Also you’re all interchangeable. Kibbles are kibbles are kibbles. “One of them,” one of you. It’s all the same. Whatever. Suck his dick.
If he is actually gay, why did he feel like it was okay for him to marry a woman under false pretenses?
Entitlement. Same reason straight men marry women under false pretenses. Gay men can be assholes too. Cheaters want the un-level playing field. They want someone to invest in them wholly, and they don’t wish to return the favor, but will lie to extract all the perks and privileges of “commitment.” In your case, the creep finds value in having a beard and projecting straight “normalcy.” No wonder you feel disgusted.
And why isn’t he being open with his wife? It’s not like he’s facing the threat of homelessness!
That would end the power trip. It would be the death of cake.
That’s why I encourage you to tell her.