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UBT: 12 Lessons I Learned From Cheating

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Yawn. Another article in which a cheater tells us the cheating was worth it because of the Valuable Life Lessons They Learned. Our UBT fodder for today comes from Scary Mommy as “12 Lessons I Learned from Cheating,” by Parker Barrett.

It’s simply too long to UBT the whole mess, so for the purposes of satire and brevity, I’m skipping the pre-amble and doing some of the lessons today and more on Wednesday. (You’ve got until NOON today EST to get me your Valentine’s poetry!)

Without further ado, the Universal Bullshit Translator…

here are some basic rules, both good and bad, that always apply.

ALWAYS? What are these, laws of physics?

I know it may be hard, but try to set all judgment aside (see No. 1 below) and look at some of the practical lessons I learned:

The UBT always (always!) loves it when cheaters PUBLISH things PUBLICLY and then demand that no one judges them. Behold! They have wisdom to impart!

If you’re going to be, or have been, an asshole, isn’t that something best kept to yourself? The UBT thinks the segment of cheaters who are actually sorry would not in fact publish self-serving treatises demanding total acceptance of their bullshit.

1. People Who Judge You for Cheating Have Never Cheated
My ego wants to say, “If you haven’t done it, don’t judge it,” but the fact is, I totally get it. Once upon a time, I thought I understood the rules of relationships. Eventually, some of my friends in committed relationships were unfaithful to their partners (often partners I had grown to love like my friends). When my friends shared their experiences with me, I saw that cheating—like relationships—has a good deal of gray area, and through that, I learned that life does too. There are two sides to every story.

If you haven’t committed incest, don’t judge it! If you haven’t stolen money from the collection plate, don’t judge it! If you haven’t bullied a few gay kids in your life, don’t judge it! You don’t know the secret pleasures of stuffy sissy boys in lockers. Suffocating ones victims has a good deal of gray area, and so does life itself. There are two sides to every story! You could ask the pansy yourself, but as he’s stuffed in a locker, he is unavailable for comment.

2. Yes, It’s the Best Sex of Your Life (But There’s a Twist)
Or, better said, it’ll seem like the best sex of your life at the time. Everyone says it’s the illicit rendezvous, the secrets, the newness that make the sex so amazing, and to a degree, that’s true. But that fades over time. What made the sex truly hot for me was the exploration and connection I found with my lover, both of us freed from inhibition. And that was golden, because it made me grow sexually. Here’s another bonus: You’ll take that with you into your current relationship or future one, making the sex, and your satisfaction, even better.

The UBT is certain that your ex, for whom you later profess such regret for cheating on, is simply thrilled to learn that cheating on him made you “grow sexually.” (Maturity and integrity-wise? Not so much.) What conveys your remorse better than a published article announcing The Best Sex of Your Life?

Lov-ahs! Freed from inhibition! Sex so amazing it’s cut off blood flow to your brain and made you unable to form original sentences! Must…. talk… in… cliches!

What made the sex totally hot for you was your sociopathy.

3. Mind-Blowing Sex Has Risks
Doing things you never knew you could (or never even knew existed) is enough reason to justify just about anything … in the moment. Yes, even the possible destruction of a marriage or family—because in the throes of passion that’s the furthest thing from your mind. But that lapse in judgment usually leads to sloppiness—leaving sexts on your phone that your wife finds or skipping birth control and getting knocked up, all of which often has one huge repercussion: getting caught. My affair, long ended, stayed a secret, but most don’t. So if you’re going to play the game, accept that you’re probably going to get caught, and it could very likely be the end of your relationship, or cause long-term alienation from your family. If that happens, I guarantee those mind-blowing orgasms will probably not feel like they were worth it.

But as I didn’t get caught (because I’m special like that), it was worth it.

The risks here are sloppiness and what people might think of you. (Don’t judge!) Breaking your partner’s heart and destroying children’s intact family? Their pain? Bitch, please.

The One Huge Repercussion? “Getting caught.”

4. A Cheating Spouse Is a Liar, But Their Spouse May Be Lying to Themselves, Too
If you and your partner don’t have sex anymore (sex drives don’t just disappear forever!), if your spouse becomes distant or starts working late or going out with new friends a lot, these are telltale signs of cheating. So is coming home showered from the gym or starting to use device passwords. I’m convinced my lover’s wife didn’t want to know he was having an affair, because he was guilty of many of the signs above. Did she know it in her gut? I’m not sure. You can shut off your instincts if you want to. But lying to yourself about your relationship will catch up to both of you. And sooner or later, one of you needs to find the courage to admit it so you can confront your problems, and ideally fix them. Your gut will thank you. It’s one of your best friends.

It’s okay to cheat on the dumb. If they believe the lies you tell them? And ignore their gut? That’s on THEM.

The lying you’re doing to yourself — what you chumps call “trust” — is totally equivalent to my cheating.

5. There’s Always Another Side to Your Lover’s (Crap) Marriage
Lying in each other’s arms, my lover and I shared stories about our relationships. This is what I heard him say about his marriage: “We’ve been unhappy for so long.” “We have no sex life anymore.” “All she does is argue with me.” No one was telling the other side of the story about what was still good about the relationship—what he still loved about his wife, how they were still deeply connected (which, P.S., is why your lover isn’t going to leave them no matter what they say otherwise). And God knows what his wife’s side of the story was. Maybe he enjoyed pushing her buttons more than she pushed his. But looking back, I realize if my lover had admitted the good stuff, it would’ve put the kibosh on the affair, because he needed to justify his actions—and I liked being his salvation. Letting him omit also allowed me to keep lying to myself. (And dreaming that he’d leave her for me.)

I got thrown under the bus. But that’s ZERO reflection on me! It’s because men NEVER leave their wives for the Other Woman. Even for the best sex in their lives and the super duper amazing connection they’ve never felt before!

It must be that Stupid Chump has some good qualities. I could never be played for cake. No sir. I am not a side-dish fuck. I’m a deeply introspective person who has learned twelve lessons.

6. Be Brave When It’s Time to End Your Relationship
For those of you whose relationship really is over, who really don’t have any positive, loving connection left with your spouse, it may be time to grow some fucking cojones and own up. “But we have kids …” “But he’ll be devastated …” Those are the reasons most unhappy couples stay together longer than they probably should. They’re totally good reasons. I believe your happiness is the foundation of your life. If you’re parents, no one can teach your kids how to be happy better than you can—and no one can see how unhappy you are better than they can. Will there be fallout? Most definitely, but it won’t last forever. If you need inspiration, listen to comedian Louis C.K., father of two daughters, who came out of the other side of his divorce extremely happy. He points out, “Divorce is always good news […] because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”

Be brave when it’s time to end your relationship… for the Other Woman. Find your fucking balls, man. LEAVE YOUR WIFE! “But we have kids…” CHILDREN ARE RESILIENT! Sure, there will be fallout, but it won’t last forever. You can teach them how to be happy! By being happy yourself, see? All that happiness will just slop over on to them!

I WAS THE BEST SEX YOU EVER HAD! You told me that! Remember that stolen night at the Motel 6 when you stared into my eyes and said “Happiness is the foundation of my life”? And I knew then that you meant ME! I was your happiness. But I guess you’d rather be tied to some drudge who believes your lies. Who suffocates your soul. And thwarts your true potential. But that’s FINE. Whatever, DESTROY MY HAPPINESS! Go back to your wife.

I don’t judge.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Hmm. Bit depressing to hear of the mind blowing sex as the LBS copes with the fall out and new life of NO sex.
    Lovely. More injustice laid at the altar of the great liar.
    Ugh

    • The most important lesson the traitor learned, and he was quite proud of it, is that he is a serial monogamist. Said while still in MC and wreckonciliation, while cheating. That came at the end of a 4 hour apparently deep heart to heart discussion together after months of discard, and refusing to have sex with me from 3 months after DD2 (DD1 was blamed on me being asexual so I had been pick me dancing like a pole dancer…).
      Only PhD he finished is a Doctorate in Mindfuck.

  • It’s just so difficult to keep coming up against this stuff and I’m new! How you keep fighting this deluge of delusion I do not know.
    My fortune is not to have a sparkly malignant narc.
    My other fortune is that he isn’t good at thinking up reasons for cheating beyond ‘I messed up’ ‘I know I’ve screwed everything up’. That’s it. The sudden idea of loneliness and boredom are easily batted away by pointing out I was the same but just stayed miserable with a side line in trying to enrich my life through courses and friends.
    Beyond this he has no clue. No idea why or what happens next or what he may have learned.
    It’s as if all his gears have stuck.
    I think this is slightly better than listening to the drivel above.

    • Mine blames me, saying we should have tried harder 4 years ago, he went to councelling and didn’t tell her, he’s a lying shit in denial because he doesn’t have a soul, just a black hole.
      Hope he sits in his unfurnished flat on his own soon and feels fucking lonely with only Skype slut for company. Waiting patiently for the karma bus. Fucker
      I’m in in the anger / depression pergatory.

      • Lady B,
        STAY angry. Use it as your fuel to move onto the best life for you (and your kids if you have any) imaginable.

        Depression is normal. We all thought we had Partners. Grieve the loss of your marriage. If you don’t have a therapist, go to a support group or a chump meet-up.

    • It’s called low emotional IQ. Mine had no depth of understanding about his motivations or consequences. Not exactly a whole lot deep thoughtful reflection and soul searching going on. Some cheaters are evil, some cheaters are stupid, but all cheaters suck.

        • NWHI, so true ” low emotional IQ”….. I would like to elaborate and say cheaters are emotionally immature.

          Similar to what you mention but a bit of a twist. You are a very wise woman.

      • Yes I been learning about the low E I stuff, nothing seemed to make him happy, move him or say aaawww so cute or the like, just blank shallowness, Just a faint glimmer of a reaction. I mistook it for alouf coolness, umm no there’s just not much going on in there. Like an echo chamber.

        • I’m not sure there’s much of a difference between lack of emotional intelligence and narcissism. Certainly go hand in hand. My cheater boy actually points to my obvious frustration, disdain, and all around chagrin in reaction to his affairs as reasons for the unhappiness that led him to more affairs. Pretty effing mind blowing. I’m at fault for affairs because affairs made me unhappy. The tautology of it alone is painful.

          What’s most striking about the excuses and rationalizations of people having affairs is how cliche, how grim, and how empty they are. Always boils down to but I wanted it, it was fun, my happiness is the most important thing on planet earth, and possibly beyond. There’s no connection at all between sex and emotion, between sex and commitment, between sex and any moral or ethical consideration at all. What that says to me is that the sex really cannot be very earth shattering. No love is being made or expressed there. Even my teen knows the difference between a kiss and a kiss that is an actual expression of feelings.

          • I agree with you chumpionsahm sex isn’t about love to a cheater. I don’t think anything to cheaters is about love. It’s all about power and possessions. Chumps are their possessions, children are their possessions. They have power to mess with our lives, to cheat and have sex power, money power, love power, family power. We give our power to them to save our marriage and/or family. The Cheater loves that. Then we finally walk away, realize they are incapable of true human emotions, realize they aren’t wired like us, reach Meh, and they have no power.

      • You are kind, neverwouldhaveimagined, by using the term “low emotional IQ”. I simply refer to the cheater as LOSER and IDIOT. 🙂

      • CL has a phrase to describe this–they have “crappy life skills.” And I think that makes them bad life partners, under any circumstances.

      • ‘It’s called low emotional IQ. Mine had no depth of understanding about his motivations or consequences. Not exactly a whole lot deep thoughtful reflection and soul searching going on. Some cheaters are evil, some cheaters are stupid, but all cheaters suck.’

        This is the best summation on the subject ever. So simple. I get so mired in the ‘is he evil incarnate, or just a complete idiot?’ quandry. But I think it’s actually just as you said, a low emotional IQ. This nugget of truth is going with me, thanks!

    • Cap it doesn’t hurt any less for you I’m sure and I’m glad he isn’t adding more gaslight to the firestorm he created. But if he did, it would make it easier to hate him rather than just shake your head in disbelief and wonder why or how.

    • Capricorn,
      I agree with you on the fact that he isn’t directly blaming you or doing any more gaslighting. It does make things a bit easier to deal with, so I’m glad for that. My XH was also like that after 7 years of BS telling me “I did a lot of stupid sh-t”. Geeeee thanks so much for pointing that out because it’s so helpful now that I know… I would like to help yours a bit more with his explanation though. I feel that like my XH, his explanation is a BIT HOLLOW…..

      How about I’m a POS a-hole who doesn’t care about you or anyone else. Just me and my disgusting c-ck. The only reason I don’t know what to say to you is that would mean I would have to start confessing everything and I’d rather continue to keep my skeletons in the closet rather than when I open my mouth, some bones accidentally fly out. I know exactly why I did it and it isn’t as simple as “I messed up”. It’s more like, I gave myself permission to do whatever I feel like because after all, you are just a meaningless person who I just happen to be in a relationship with. As long as you don’t know, what’s the harm in me having a little fun elsewhere? If/When you find out, I will pretend like I’m all sad and pathetic so that you don’t really let me have it. Thanks for feeling sorry for me (because I’m good at manipulating) and understanding that I SUCK.
      Now doesn’t that just feel better?? LOL

      • PeakyB
        Yes! It really does help.
        It all hurts a lot if I let myself think about it. My approach right now is to try and stay balanced between experiencing all the anger, devaluing, fear, grief etc when it hits but also trying to make my life better for me.
        It’s so hard when the one person you could and would talk to about it is the one who has done it too you.
        I know we were married and that’s important because of all the vows and stuff but more than that I thought we really were best friends. I thought he had my back.
        And his utter inability to give any reason is frustrating. I know he did it because he could and that’s it but it’s not very much to be left with after 21 years. I suppose there never is a ‘good’ reason though. When I ask myself what would a good reason look like of course there are none. How can you justify the unjustifiable? It really can all be summed up by ‘trust that they suck’. I fucking hate him even as I can feel some pathetic ember of pity.

        • “When I ask myself what would a good reason look like of course there are none.”
          That’s it Capricorn, in a nutshell. I am glad you have the sense to know that and he is not trying to make one up. I am glad you are spared this bullshit, and that it will soon be over, so you are focused on resuming your career, and building your new life with your kids.

        • Cap, I’m glad it made you feel better. Not that any of this is really easy….. I’m also glad that even through the sh-t storm, you are finding the strength to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and work hard at your future. I’ve gone through periods of trying very hard not to think about the immense pain my many cheaters have caused because there is no good reason and what’s done is done. I find that crying until I can’t cry anymore helps… When you’re all cried out for that a-hole, Meh just seems closer. I can’t wait for it to come to you.

      • Peaky, you nailed it. They are a-holes, they don’t want to confess anything, they did it on purpose, they liked keeping you in the dark, you were never really a factor, just s meanless person, and they just care about how the fall out affects them when they are found out.

        • flutterby, if you could have been a fly on the wall while some of my ex’s friends dogged their women out and looked forward to getting away from them anytime they could. It was so sickening! I thought to myself… these are the (in this case) guys who have absolutely no remorse or compassion or empathy. These are the ones who take any opportunity to look for a new hole to climb in and then brag to their buddies. These are the ones who have other married or “taken” wingmen and pretend they missed their spouses and had just an “all right” time with the guys. These are the ones who can’t wait for the next time around to invite that “b-tch from last time” to come along or s-ck them off / give them a quickie in some bathroom, parking lot or join the wingmen with their newfound wh-res like they’re on some couples retreat/date night. These are the ones wondering if that “b-tch from last time” has some friends for me to share or for my friends. These are the ones experimenting with Viagra, Chinese erotic medicine, ecstasy, molly, coke, etc. These are the ones who buy their friends a h–ker for their bday or some special holiday occasion. They also don’t forget to buy one for themselves. These are the ones who did it on purpose. These are the same ones that only care about being caught and nothing else. When they do, it’s easy, just call that “b-tch from last time” up and see what her and her friends are up to and move on because life goes on. That’s who we all had. Pathetic losers and abusers.

          • A couple of weeks before D-Day Gaslighter was showing me pictures of something and I scrolled through his phone photos and there was a picture of him with his arm around a very attractive young woman. I said “who’s that”? He said very nonchalantly “I met her in a bar, she’s a stripper, and I was counseling her to get out of that life”. I told that story to my therapist and said “who’s hanging out in bars taking a photo with a stripper? And she said “Guys that fuck strippers. That was a trophy shot.”

            • He met her in a bar… somehow someone’s lips started moving and they started to chat. Then says, wow, you sure are a friendly young lady, I will take a photo with you. And lo and behold, she was a stripper! Too bad you weren’t there to help them chat and take the photo for them! Gee, what a FRIENDLY gaslighter you had! Mine was always sooooo nice to the waitresses/bartenders. So super sweet and funny! Just makes your skin crawl with warm fuzzies! Good thing your therapist told it like it was… A-holes the lot of them…

            • Peaky, I relate to having been married to the super-likeable, super affable fun guy too. He always paid respect, held open doors, called people sir/ma’am..all the things that we think we’re supposed to be happy to have in a mate. Those falsities end up being sickening to us once viewed after their mask falls off. It’s all for show, nothing more. Skin-crawling is right.

              My nice guy met a stripper (who already had 2 kids with diff dads) in a strip club while out of town working, had an affair with her, moved across country for her, and married her. After she accidentally on purpose got pregnant and they had a son (just one more reason why our 1 & 2 year old babies will forever have to get in line in order of priority), she went back to stripping.

              I have to wonder what Honey thought as he waved goodbye to her each night at 9pm, holding their newborn as her cloying perfume and F-me shoes disappeared into her purple SUV.

              What exactly does a cheater ‘worry’ about? Are they even capable of that, or are they so delusional that they think it could NEVER happen to them? What kind of human is okay with his wife stripping for money? I suppose the same kind of character disordered waste of a human capable of dropping his first wife and babies to get there in the first place.

              Is it wrong to fantasize about karma? It’s very un-meh, I know. But good god, for the love of all things holy, I would pay good money to see SOME kind of consequence befall these fools.

              Maybe that’s an idea for Friday’s forum – delicious stories about how karma came to town and paid our cheaters a visit. It may have already been done before, but I’d gladly revisit that subject!

              • Honey,
                I think that’s his Karma right there staring him in the face. He’s with a lady who has been plugged by numerous men for money. She has no life skills and one day, she won’t be able to continue her profession so he’ll be shelling out money for her left and right. You know good and well she doesn’t have a retirement fund…
                I always love Karma, if it could be my middle name, I would gladly take it. Sure, it’s not MEH, but the personal satisfaction is worth that moment for me! We have definitely done the Karma thing, but no harm in hearing more stories! I LOVE Karma stories!

          • Peaky, you are preaching to the choir with me. I finally got to the point that I realized that these kind of “people” don’t care about the chump at all. They were play acting the whole entire time for their own benefit, whether it was image management, trying to look “normal”, going with what was the “normal” path to take as a young person, whatever they felt they needed to do to look “normal” because they did not feel normal from the get go. I felt really bad when I realized that if you look at the actions of the cheater, truly look at them, that the cheater doesn’t give a flying f*ck about their chump and/or children. People who love or even just care about others won’t do the things that these creatures do to their own. If their lips are moving they are plotting, manipulating, just plain outright lying and no they don’t have anything in that black hole where their soul is to give to anyone else, so they don’t, they just say they do.

            • Sad but true… Emphasis on CREATURE. **THIS** “cheater doesn’t give a flying f*ck about their chump and/or children. People who love or even just care about others won’t do the things that these creatures do to their own. If their lips are moving they are plotting, manipulating, just plain outright lying and no they don’t have anything in that black hole where their soul is to give to anyone else, so they don’t, they just say they do.”

      • Rather keep my skeletons in the closet so only I know about them and can interchange them at will. And keep you guessing about my secret life (power trip). I enjoy f*cking with your head.

    • If you ask a kid with chocolate smeared on her face, “did you eat the ice cream?”they will swear up and down it wasn’t them. Once they confess they might cry, and if continuously asked why, might tell a story about dragons and unicorns and using the ice cream to rescue a princess. Even expect you to be proud of their bravery!

      At heart though, its an impulse. Ice cream or cake, adults should know better. Adults just tell more convincing fairy tales.

  • I read this on Fake Book as well. Stomach turning dribble that is portrayed as edgy and insightful.

    I cannot understand why this woman thinks she needs to share this nugget of wisdom with the world – shouldn’t she be home shaping her pubic hair into a heart for Valentine’s Day or something useful to society ?!?

    • I read this last night on Fake Book too. I had been following that page. I decided to unfollow the page after reading that. And from reading some of the comments, thankfully many others had a problem with that article, and hopefully they will unfollow as well.

      Lol, I agree, she certainly has better things to do to get ready for V Day, no?

    • Thank fuck I’m not on f b. Don’t go there. Don’t look him up. Go on you tube and watch vids about NC and narcissists, please you are tortoring yourself and they get a thrill out of knowing you know, it’s like vourism it’s pervasive.

      • How about the ones who think that you have a suspicion but can’t yet prove it or understand what the real situation is? For the people in this phase of killing their relationship with cheating, the thrill is that you have some idea but still haven’t been able to piece it together….and THEY KNOW ITTTTTT. They are watching your every reaction and are trying to anticipate your next move. Am I going to get caught this time or can I still do some more behind the back sh-t and then laugh quietly to myself at what a stupid sucker I think you are? What should I do differently to plan my next f-ck date and mistake proof everything? They’re just so creative and adventurous.

        • Yep, calling them out with no proof is pointless. They drop that shit right back on you and 5 min later you are apologizing for accusing them.

          • Calling them out WITH AMPLE PROOF does not work either. I had all the proof in the world. Photos, e-mail accounts of what he was doing THAT HE WROTE TO HIS CRONY FRIENDS, bank books proving he stole money from our accounts and took it to another country.

            None of it mattered. His ex-fiance from before me (who was probably shtooping him again at the time) told me “All men are like that, deal with it.” His mother is afraid of him, and he’s her only son, so despite being told I was like a daughter to her, when push came to shove it didn’t matter.

            As for him, he didn’t say a word. Just let others do his bidding for him.

            Proof or not, they are so deluded they will deny. They may even believe it. Who cares.

            Trust they suck.

            • You both got it! No proof or plenty of proof is just words to them. The last line says it all. They SUCK. And so do their families, friends and other enablers.

              • That’s why it’s so helpful to live by the adage, “You know enough.” Enough to know that you’re not being respected, that you’ve been lied to, that your partner has no concern for how their behavior is hurting you, that instead of being met with reassurance, your suspicions are met with accusations about your own mental health/stability . . . the list goes on.

        • Spot on like teenagers sneaking around their parents, its all a game of cat and mouse and they get a hard on that fuels the affair with playing this game. Once the cover is blown and we kick their asses to the curb im sure it all becomes a bit mundane as the affair is then valid and the pleasure centres that are hit by doing something they shouldnt arent firing anymore. Diordered somes it up like my councillor said he kicked his alcohol addiction didnt replace it with anything meaningful then found cheating. Alcoholism and drug taking all involve a negation of the truth and self delusion. They are fuck up, mine even admits his in his weakest moments ‘ im just a f up’ sympathy poor md crap, fucking done over and out.

    • Skype sluts headline on g plus ‘life’s too short to be sad”
      Profound, sums her up plastic tits and deep as a bird bath.
      I could go on, life’s to short to be sad so I will steal some happiness from a bloke his partner and their kids”
      Whore

    • Why does the personal pursuit of happiness trump all other things?! What about your vows? What about your kids? Cheaters are so completely self-absorbed.

      • The pursuit of happiness trumps all else because a cheaters definition of “happiness” is much much different that yours or mine doll.

        Cheaters look for happiness in others when they should be looking for it in themselves. They truly believe that “others” will bring them the eternal happiness they seek. This is why cheating will *never* go away. Shallow people will *never* go away.

        On the bright side though, noble people will also *never* go away. I’m sticking with my own.

        • The “happiness” part struck a nerve for me, too, because that’s one of the reasons my cheater gave me for his actions. He “just wanted to be happy”. Somehow, his version of “happy” requires breaking up a household, not seeing the kids every day of the week, losing touch with family members, etc. I’m not a prude, but is sex with a fresh, new person really worth all of that???

          Truly balanced people find happiness through gratefulness for their present situation, not in “what might be” (the illusions that cheaters chase) or “what could have been” (the illusions we chumps hold onto). This new life isn’t what I planned, but I’m still happy because I’m authentic and true to my values of honesty and openness with those I love.

          • Let me tell you happiness was my STBX ultimate goal too. And now that all the things that help you be happy, a stable place to live, the fruits of your labors, the love of family, health, etc (all the stuff WE had together) are gone he’s not very impressed with his new life. A used up whore, some other dude’s abandoned child he gets to help raise, an apartment full of bugs, no TV, no Internet, being sick and getting fat after moving out and having to live with himself somehow aren’t making him “happy”. ? Weird! And he’s said multiple times he wishes he could go back to how UNHAPPY he was before all this started. Me too. Because I can tell you that the apathy and no feelings and asexuality and not love that I had for him caused me to lose 20 pounds and basically cry for multiple hours almost daily since d-day were REALLY worth him finding “true 100% happiness” in a relationship. Thank God he went on that happiness search. And ruined everything.

            • Sad Shelby, YES, pretty much sums it up.
              “Because I can tell you that the apathy and no feelings and asexuality and not love that I had for him caused me to lose 20 pounds and basically cry for multiple hours almost daily since d-day were REALLY worth him finding “true 100% happiness” in a relationship. Thank God he went on that happiness search. And ruined everything”.

        • It’s written in the cheater charter – You only have one life on the Earth and you deserve to be happy.

          Also written in their charter:
          – You deserve to have your chump husband work to support you.
          – You deserve to be entertained whilst your chump husband is out working.
          – You deserve to fuck anybody you want because your chump husband is at work and unavailable when you get horny.
          – You deserve to berate your chump husband when he gets home from working all day.
          – You deserve to guilt your chump husband into cooking dinner when he gets home from work.
          – You deserve to obligate your chump husband into spending his weekend cleaning your house and doing yard-work every weekend.
          – You deserve to dress-up and look sexy for your twu-lurve fuckbuddies.
          – You deserve to wear comfy sweats and go without makeup for your chump husband.
          – You deserve to belittle your chump husband in public.
          – You deserve to point out your chump husband’s every flaw so you don’t have to look in the mirror at your own imperfections.
          – You deserve to embarrass your chump husband in social settings by making fun of him.
          – You deserve to rip your chump husband a new asshole if he should quip back.
          – You deserve to tell your chump husband he’s being too sensitive and can’t take a joke when he gets upset and angry with you.
          – You deserve to share your inner-most secrets with whomever you want – especially your special twu-lurve fuckbuddies – not your chump husband.

          • Betrayed,
            That’s a lot of deserving on the part of the cheater, but the question remains, what about the chump? When does the chump deserve and deserve and deserve. It’s so one sided that you just have to shake your head in wonder, what the f*ck are these things, because they are not mature adults.

            • Some of the entitlement stuff I hear about the cheaters just scares me because when we were first married I wasn’t all that worried about STBX we kind of just did our thing together and I know I wasn’t a great wife. And now I feel like was I a narc and a terrible wife all along? Did I deserve this? Did I push him away? We had a bad patch in the marriage for me and I got over it and came back to full focus on the us and I thought literally about “us” and him but never me and then I got chumped. I KNOW logically in my head it’s not my fault but I just get so sad and upset it feels like maybe it was me. STBX can be SO ANGRY about past “transgressions” from the marriage and I see Betrayednomore and I can practically hear the laundry list of angry shit that my STBX used to justify what happened. I KNOW he had no justification for cheating. And that he’s blameshifitng to try to make me feel equally responsible but I’m just so scared I won’t be able to rebound from this and turn into a functional human even with all the time in the world! ?

              • We have all been there.

                I read something once in a book about narcissists that basically said that because they project everything bad about them onto you, and because you are not a narcissist, you will stop to consider if maybe you were the narcissistic one.

                Here’s the thing: If YOU were the narcissist, you wouldn’t have the conscience to ask yourself if you’re the narcissist in the relationship. And this proves you aren’t. It’s not your problem. It’s theirs. Rest assured. If you feel bad enough to ask, it’s not you!

            • That’s a lot of deserving on the part of the cheater, but the question remains, what about the chump?

              I’m sorry… I accidentally missed the entire section that deals with their chumps:
              – You deserve to have all your needs met before your chump husband (please refer to “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs” for further inspiration and ammunition to throw back in your chump husband’s face if he starts getting snippy).
              – You deserve to apply Fear, Obligation, and Guilt toward your chump husband whenever he starts whinging about what he wants.
              – You deserve to show disdain, hatred, and contempt at your chump husband if he ever thinks about his needs, wants, or feelings before yours.
              – You deserve to badmouth your chump husband if he does anything for you or the family as “not quite good enough” C+ (at best).
              – You deserve to ignore your chump husband as punishment for demanding anything from you.

              • Hmmmm, and once again it is all about the cheater. Interesting isn’t it. Lesson learned: It Is All About Them, All The Time, Every Time!!!!! And now we know.

        • Sure
          This is true I think although I might replace the word ‘happiness’ with ‘validation’. I think my cheater picked OW who admired him, looked up to him, treated him as if he was a big shot. He was ‘the man’. I guess that’s why they cheat down.
          I’m not sure they know what ‘happiness’ as we know it, is. They are looking for hits of validation IMO.
          But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what words we use does it. It all hurts the fucking same.

      • This is, I think, the core difference between me & XH. *I* was taught that Life serves up some pleasure and some pain. No life remains untouched by sadness, hard labor, etc., UNLESS one devotes all their energy to avoiding that hard work. Somehow, it has never occurred to me to discard something just because it has become a little bit of a chore — there’s value in working on repairing something that’s broken. Aren’t there enough trash heaps in the world? Reduce/reuse/recycle, right?

        XH was never going to work on saving something, because nothing has value to him. All that matter is “shiny” and “new.” — And OW is not without her own problems, I’m sure, but to XH they’re probably okay because they’re “shiny, new” problems to him.

        • I have always been poor my entire life. Single mom, dad left when I was basically born so I didn’t have the upbringing STBX had with both parents and a very successful mom. His dad took care of the kids and worked in a pool hall at night and on weekends. They weren’t RICH but never wanted for anything. I grew up an only child and always had that too old for my age fear of not enough money, we saved and lived a small and simple life. My mom couldn’t afford everything I wanted as a child but we got by comfortably enough. My mom was lovingly tough and called herself the meanest mom ever (she wasn’t!) and I was always a good kid. It makes me wonder looking at the response I got from STBX MIL saying that both he and I “deserve” to be happy and that maybe we can be friends and that maybe we were just never right for each other and blah blah blah all the other enabler BS, if MIL shaped him into an entitled ass or what happened. I wouldn’t say I had a HARD childhood by any stretch of the imagination but when you are an only child surrounded by adults you get treated with more maturity and end up exposed to more than children in families that are child centered. I feel like STBX never had any difficulties until he came here and we got married and had to work for everything we had. I always felt like he was okay with it and then this happened. I just don’t know. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore.

    • Predatory. Check.

      Looking for validation. Check

      Self justifying. Check

      Surpresses empathy for spouse and kids. Check

      Selfishness. Check

      Entitlement. Check

      Lack of controlling impulses. Check

      Narc. Check

      • You know, one of my oldest girlfriends said “but Men never leave their wives for the other woman… don’t let her win! You can keep him! He hasn’t left you!” I said “She can have him. I don’t want him”. I had to explain to her that Schmoopie hadn’t won anything worth having. She’s got a pathological liar, serial cheater, alcoholic, porn addicted, 67 year old father of two sons. These two wonderful young man have lost all respect for their father yet of course, they love him. He is defending his very dishonest business dealings in a huge protracted lawsuit (lost 2 other lawsuits in the last 5 years that were kept hidden from me) and is paying (stringing along) 3 lawyers. He is seriously in debt up to his eyeballs and has a credit score of 540 something. He’s also a selfish aging lover with a small, less than rock hard you know what. Good luck with that. It really pisses me off to think that people might assume that he left me for Schmoopie, when Gaslighter was fake fighting to keep me and have cake. It took me 35 years to realize he was a serial cheater who loved getting away with anything and everything he could. I kicked his sorry Cluster B Ass to the curb. Yep I still care about what people think. Thanks mom.

        • It’s sadly funny when I read my post and wonder WTF did it take me so long to really see the man I spent almost 40 years with. The sickos wear a mask of sanity and pretend to be so wonderful and when you see who they really are, it’s the face of evil

          • This is where I am at, too. I have seen behind the mask and am no longer letting him determine my reality. He is truly sick.

            • Yes! Truly sick. My divorce is finally coming to an end. He is 77 and now realizing he has lost his charm, looks and his children don’t want him only his money. I soon as the divorce is finalized and I am gone, they will place his *ss in a nursing home. DTs will be rough for a time. I am not sure that insurance covers DTs anymore.

              • Saw…I cannot wait for the XSAH to hit 77. He made the 71 marker with his 45 y/o live in. They are living LARGE right now, however Me thinks she is working her *** off cooking, cleaning, laundry and taking care of his 96 y/o mother. (She is in assisted living, but I understand calls 10 times a day.) They are very close (distance) to her, so I know her demands are many. He doesn’t lift a finger and sits in his leather chair all day long watching any ball that flies in the air. Wonder how long she will hang on?

          • Yes Chump chlCange! They are quite practiced at keeping the mask on. Like we are practiced at breathing… Seeing a person who pretended to be someone they were not – sometimes for decades – exposed for who they really are is life altering. I will never be the same. Better of course, no regrets about being away from him. But I am forever changed. I am free but I lost my innocence in the escape.

          • Tempest, love it.

            Chumpchange,
            I too used to care about what people thought. It was very hard for me to say that “x left me for schmoopie”, but I finally did it. I finally said it out loud because that is what happened, we didn’t grow apart, we didn’t fall out of love, he wasn’t depressed, I wasn’t frigid, he just left me for another woman. I got traded in for a newer, very used, model, but that was it. There was no great conflict on the part of the cheater, he just decided that he was going to do this and I had no part in that decision at all. The drama and soul searching of the cheater is just plain bullshit. They decide that, for whatever reason, they want to do what they want to do and then they just do it, no thought about anyone else. No thought about what it was going to do to his family, no thought about how ridiculous his choice of schmoopie was, he was not going to be told what to do anymore, not by his vows to me, definitely not by me and definitely not by any type of moral standards. He must be happy at all costs, no matter what the cost is to those that he claimed to “love”.

            His shame is not my shame. I was left behind, but it was actually a blessing in disguise. I won’t claim to be completely over this thing, but I’m a lot better off than I was before. I just didn’t realize that I was leading such a hard life with the cheater x. He was slowly killing me, body and soul, and I just didn’t realize it until he left. The road to meh is hard but at least it’s honest.

              • Thanks Cap, this post brought up a lot of things but it also gave me a bit more clarity into the insights of the cheater and the similar, to them , “people” they choose to get with. It’s not us, it never was and it will never be us. We were, as others on here have said “appliances”. I was as important as the toaster or the fridge. I was useful, I was competent, but when he needed to trade me in or replace me, there were no true feelings attached to me. I just needed to be gone and I was, in his limited mind, just gone and replaceable.

            • Oh, I told everyone I could get my hands on, immediately when I found out (well, on the 2nd d-day, not the first), and that polarized people real quick.

              It certainly weeded out the good, supportive ones from the bad, and made it easier for me to know who to trust and hang around for support when I was going through the process.

              None of us likes to be chumped, but if it happens, there’s no denying it. Once you say it, you get that part over with and can start healing faster.

  • “I’m convinced my lover’s wife didn’t want to know he was having an affair, because he was guilty of many of the signs above. Did she know it in her gut? I’m not sure. You can shut off your instincts if you want to. But lying to yourself about your relationship will catch up to both of you. ”

    You can set your watch that at some point, they circle around and blame us that our spouses and they are having selfish, lie requiring/inducing, abusive to everyone they have commitments to sex. To the disordered, its never THEM…no, its me ignoring my gut. Alrighty then…OK on judgement day you go tell your Maker that it was all Uni and her refusal to admit the truth, so how that works for you.

    Me, personally, my new life’s goal is to use a line from “The Walking Dead” last night …”we both had sex with the same dead guy, that doesn’t make us friends”…Im never going to have a chance, am I ? dang

    • If someone were to dare tell me “You must have known”, they would find themselves quite shocked by my reaction. No, asshole, I was being gaslighted by the master of deception. Yes, something definitely seemed off, but my X was very ill and was recovering from a serious medical condition. I thought he was worried about whether he was going to live! No, he was worried that the bunny boiler he hooked up with was going to do something crazy to hurt my family, which, of course, she did.

      I never, ever dreamed he would even consider an affair with that crazy bitch and believe me when I say he did everything under the sun to prevent me from learning the truth. At one point, I truly thought I was losing my mind. Surely, my partner of almost 30 years would not lie to me. I never, ever looked the other way; if anything, I was hyper-vigilant because she was such a strange ranger. I thought she was a crazy stalker (she was), and my X certainly was content to let me believe SHE was the problem, not his wandering dick. Whenever I hear someone claim that the innocent spouse somehow “knew”, my first thought is that they are a cheater. Who blames the innocent spouse? Cheaters, that’s who!

      • Anyone dealing with cognitive dissonance. Sometimes it is also friends and family members who blame the innocent spouse as well. No way this person I hang out with or love could do this to their spouse and family unless there was a reason. That is why I am cutting these people out of my life or at least limiting their time.

        • Mine says his family and my family could see his affair coming because of the way I was.
          OK…so that makes it ok.

          If I hear how I drove him to this one more time, I swear.

          So, if I had a gun in my house, and he used it to shoot someone, it would be my fault?

          I need him OUT of my house and out of my sight.

          • Fuck him for trying to speak for other people. It’s very damaging, typically not true, and merely used to gain power over chumps who are already hypersensitive to people’s opinions of us. My X did the same thing, and it was the worst night of my life (worse even than D-day)–to gang up on someone they’ve already hurt by piling other people on top of the hurt is cruel. Fuck him.

            • So true, they love to cite third parties as being in agreement with their perspective on us, even better if those third parties aren’t people we can typically approach and ask if what they’re supposedly saying about us is true. Even better if said third parties are dead (“Mom always said she couldn’t understand how I put up with you.”)

              • I have a true one of those myself (though I wouldn’t be so unkind as to use it)–my X’s own mother expressed concern about my marrying him and having children, knowing he was not the fatherly type.

            • Tempest. that is JACKED UP. It’s enough to wonder what’s real, if you’re going crazy, what’s just happened to your life, and have thousands of excruciating emotions going on after d-day…but to have the cheater then twist the narrative and preemptively line up his defense team against you? Horrifying.

              I have a little analogy about that very thing that I refer to as ‘selective victimization’. Here’s my blog post about it:

              Selective Victimization: This occurs when an aggressor selectively chooses what part of the narrative to display to the world in order to appear the victim, while omitting the critically important part of the narrative that reveals their true role as perpetrator.

              Example 1: A wolf, while chasing a rabbit to eat for its dinner, cuts its paw on a rock. The wolf then goes back to the den and tells 87 other wolves that there’s this rabbit that was mean to him and gave him an owie for no good reason while he was minding his own business in the woods. The other wolves then unknowingly provide sympathy and support that isn’t deserved.

              Example 2: A homewrecker, while knowingly crushing a family under her stripper shoes, got her feelings hurt when the wife pointed out what kind of person that makes her. Homewrecker then goes back to her laptop and tells 87 other people on Facebook that there’s this woman that was mean to her and hurt her feelings for no good reason while she was minding her own business living with her married boyfriend. The other FaceBookers then unknowingly provide sympathy and support that isn’t deserved.

          • I threw mine OUT and he calledy mother to advocate for him!

            Since she is a narc who cheated on my father, of course she called me up with the old “men are just like that” … ad nauseum.

    • I LOVED when Rosita said that on TWD last night. Because she was basically on the verge of being chumped. I know Sasha didn’t go after Abraham specifically but he tossed Rosita out on her ass in about 2.7 seconds. And she’s so torn up over his death even though he’d moved on I feel her!

      The part about the lover’s (fucking GAG!) wife not wanting to know he’s having an affair. I’m sorry but do all women and men run around like chicken little constantly terrified their spouse is fucking a whore (of either sex)? Because the ONE thing my STBX ALWAYS said was that cheating made him SO SICK! He would NEVER CHEAT. He couldn’t even stomach people cheating in movies or on TV. So OF COURSE I had literally ZERO fear of that EVER happening! And from day one of our marriage I ALWAYS said if you EVER have the slightest temptation SAY SOMETHING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!! so we can figure it out! Then bam “sorry. I fucked a whore and now she’s pregnant with my bastard love child” yeah. There’s a reason why women don’t WANT to know they are being cheated on. Because who wants to know their happiness, safety, stability, ability to trust, love, future and even past are all trash, lies, a big joke, and over all at once? I’ve never met someone that WANTED to know they mean less than nothing to someone they were devoted to or that their life/existence as they know it was not reality. It’s awful!

      • We discussed things to the point where I really thought we had “affair proofed” our marriage(Ive come to hate that term) with honestly…that is a massive joke when I look back on it now…I always expected that a CHANGE would cue me in that he was having an affair…there was no “change” because during various phases, cheating was prob the norm.

        The change I saw when he was fucking Susan of Seattle was that he thought he was in love…with all the prior ones, it was “just about the sex” as I was told my his confidante after he died. His perception of love made him want to leave me/kids…no more cake, he wanted to dump and run.

        Honest to God, I never ever had a moment when I thought he was screwing around…he did odd things now and again, I honestly thought he was a slightly odd person…even from when we dated, he didnt want to take me to certain places…he acted like he hated his military colleagues, around them he claimed he was totally antisocial (and it was consistent) …if he went to an event he looked like he was chewing glass and poison every second we were there, I now think he was concerned that fuckbuddies would misbehave …but he was like that from the start, so it didnt look different 5, 10, 20 years in.

        • Yes, this! Ex was heavily into those 866 numbers (later porn, and “working” long hours, and time spent at the racquetball club) and our long distance relationship in those early college years was probably a perfect set up for his preference later in living a double life. What I don’t understand is who the fuck are they? Not normal, that’s for sure. I loved his independence and wasn’t the girl who needed to hear from him whenever he was away, I did my own thing and trusted he loved me. Now I may think twice about men who travel and don’t communicate, or who spend a great deal of time away from family, who are on phones/computers, up late at night, who spend a lot of time “at the fitness club,” who work long hours, or two jobs, or talk about massages (cause that’s what mediocre athletes do, right?), whose neck swivels whenever someone of the opposite sex walks by, who dated shallow women in his youth, or hung out with sketchy men(read divorced/unhappy/complaining about their families). I do believe the disordered are incapable of loving deeply, my relationship never grew more intimate with ex and I always felt like I was missing something.

          • Mine was always (I thought!) open we spent almost every waking second together when we weren’t at work and when we were we sent each other funny texts and such. The day it happened I knew something was wrong because he RAN off to “meet Tom” (his boss at work) for lunch on a Sunday and was out of contact for about 5 hours. Then he came home and ran directly to the shower and didn’t really talk about the ENTIRE DAY he was gone. I spent the whole day crying intermittently because we had had a conversation a few months before about how he wanted more sex in the marriage and I was freaking out that he was telling Tom he wasn’t happy and wanted out. Too bad he was FUCKING the WHORE instead. I’m so ANGRY because all he had to say was what he REALLY felt. Instead of pretending he was happy he could have said ANYTHING to me. Maybe instead of telling EVERYONE else we’ve ever met in life how TERRIBLE everything is he should have just spoken to me directly? Because speaking to someone that isn’t “the problem” somehow doesn’t communicate to that person that there even IS a problem. But you know where’s the fun in that? The whore is so sad and sympathetic! She really “gets” him! And in my case the whoremat had a TERRIBLE, EVIL, abusive, alcoholic husband that she was married to for a decade before she suddenly decided she was done with him after my STBX came along (THAT was convenient). He never told me he was SO unhappy he wanted to divorce. He was fine until he started talking to her. It’s so true when they hang out with people unhappy in a relationship suddenly they become unhappy too. Especially when it’s some slut that feeds their ego! All he had to do at ANY POINT was say “when you don’t initiate sex very much I feel rejected and think you don’t care”. Even though real adults know that when you choose to make a life with someone and spend all your time with them and tell them “I love you” and do shit specifically for them THAT is love. But instead he gave himself permission to fuck a skank and blow my life up. It wouldn’t be so bad if he wrecked himself and I could basically go on as before, then even with my broken heart it would be a sort of justice but it’s the fact that they act like such an ass and ruin EVERYTHING for the chump that sucks so hard!

            • Yes ss it does suck bad. If asswipe had only respected me enough to be honest. He didnt. It was too much fun avoiding getting caught and seeing how long he could get away with it. You know how long can i put it over on kar marie. 30 years 30 fucking years didnt warrent enough respect to tell me the truth!!! And even when it no longer mattered continued to lie! I could have a bit of respect for that pod if he had told me the truth before he cheated but no. And now hes upset i have a very low opinion of him and wont talk to him except a rare email. Were all those years a waste of course not but he withheld who he really was taking away my choices. I hope his dick rots and falls off. Im away from him now its not easy taking all those years good or bad and just get over it but im getting better every day! And so will you!

    • Please do not give your ex the satisfaction. Not knowing your story just assuming you had a cheating ex-I would not send anything as most cheaters will just be smug with delight thinking you cannot get over them and won’t have a sudden epiphany that they are pond scum.

      • Word!!!!! ^^^^ THIS^^^^^^
        Anytime I tried to share anything about how I felt or anything insightful about what I thought had happened or what was wrong with him it was met with some comment back like ” Mary, it’s over. You have to quit obsessing about me”
        It was enough to make me want to smash my phone.
        I won’t say one thing to him or her ever again…..hear me, EVER!! They don’t hear it, and I have better things to do……like be happy, collect alimony, and dream of a meteor hitting his house.

        • I gave up, too. They don’t hear anything and it just drains emotionally to keep banging your head against a brick wall.

        • I bet if most chumps had a do over D-Day, they would just pack up, leave or throw the cheater out without a word. The lawyer would be called and divorce papers filed immediately. They wouldn’t try and make the cheater “see the light” or try and extract explanations. Such a waste of time and energy.

          • All the settlements that could of been so much bigger if it went that way.
            Just hire the kick ass atty and change your phone #.
            I would of thrown the words of my dick cheater ex back at him…
            ” It’ll be better this way”.
            Tee hee hee….

            • I definitely wouldn’t get out right away.

              Instead, I would start lining up my ducks properly. Get the advice from the lawyer. Start craftily moving as much joint money to an offshore account, or ready that process for my getaway day, so I could take it all (possession is 9/10, as you know), get EVERY DUCK LINED UP all the time playing the chumpity chump to keep him not suspicious.

              Then I’d dump his ass and take off with as much loot as possible.

          • That’s what I did. As soon as he told me there was this other woman and she was (voice cracking under emotional strain) “important,” I told him to be out by the end of the day. Filed papers and never reconsidered my decision to split. (Admittedly, he’d brought the box of coffin nails by saying he’d never loved me from the very beginning, so really what am I supposed to do with that kind of information: “I never loved you, but I love love love this other woman”?) I felt so disrespected and devalued — never mind that my love & devotion didn’t mean anything, what about everything I DID for him?

            Still, there were times (even though I knew better) I felt a bit guilty that I didn’t even try to convince him he was mistaken. It’s reaffirming (even after all this time) to read that my instincts were correct to kick him out at the first go-round.

        • ‘It was enough to make me want to smash my phone.
          I won’t say one thing to him or her ever again…..hear me, EVER!! They don’t hear it, and I have better things to do……like be happy, collect alimony, and dream of a meteor hitting his house.’

          Hahaha!!! Love this so much. I hope you get your happiness, your alimony, and he gets his meteor, in that order.

          When I would confront Honey in an effort to get to the bottom of WTF just happened to my life, he would always don a robotic voice and say ‘We’re getting a DIVORCE, wife.’ What that says to me is ‘Sit down and be quiet, wife-appliance. Divorce magically means I am not OBLIGATED to explain.’

  • One might assume that Parker Barrett is still in cheater mode thinking. Her insightful drool nearly made me vomit in my mouth.

  • Lucky, she still has loads of time to “design” her pubic area. Remember, her lying, cheating lover has to pretend he still loves his wife and take her to the IHOP for a romantic quick dinner, then drop by the drugstore to find an appropriate “gift” in the “as seen on TV” aisle! Schmoopie will get her own time slot the day after Valentines Day!

    • Nothing says romance like a microfiber duster! Nothing! Then the SOB will feel all indignant and justified to cheat because that duster didn’t earn him an immediate “reward” …

      • ???

        Cannot tell you how many last minute drugstore gifts I received, interspersed with wildly expensive things of the sort that do not suit me at all, and that I never lust after. Undoubtedly, the contrast was meant to keep me guessing. At least this year the dozen long stemmed red roses that used to show up every Valentine’s Day–yes, even when cheater boy had to phone that in from the shack up house–will not arrive, with that terse, “Love, Cheater Boy” card attached. I do not, for the record, like red roses very much at all. Pretty sure the slut was sometimes assigned the task of sending those, which would certainly fit his approach to life. Better her than me.

        Bought myself a dozen short stems in a lovely orangish yellow hue. Enjoying them. ❤️

      • Truthfully? A microduster from a man who genuinely loves me would be heaven. It’s not the gift, it’s the man. The sluttress who wrote this selfish nasty justification for cheating will never know true love. Her loss.

        • That! Yesssssssss! The best gifts are the ones that are spontaneous and heartfelt. That’s why every mom proudly displays that fistful of wilting dandelions. Great reminders, Dixie.

        • Dixie–If there is a rash of Valentine’s Day gifts of microdusters because of what you wrote, there are going to be a lot of pissed off people tomorrow ; ).

          • Ha Ha! “I really thought I’d finally found the man of my dreams … then he showed up with wine and flowers. I apparently wasn’t worthy of a microduster, so we’re through!”

  • I read a lot of articles like this after DDay. I devoured them. They should come with a warning sign: This will not explain anything and will not make you feel better.
    This article still made me nauseated. Because clearly this person thinks she is doing a public service by spreading her “wisdom.” But, I no longer read these articles the same way. (Truth be told, I don’t really read articles like this at all anymore because I know how worthless they are.) I now see that these articles align closely with many of my cheater’s excuses: our marriage had no passion and he NEEDED passion, the other woman is really actually very nice and she and I would totally be friends in other circumstances, and, my favorite, I MUST have known that he was cheating and my silence about it was tacit approval.
    I find it annoying that some pages and websites continue to post this dreck, acting like it is reasonable to hear “the other side” of cheating. Grow some balls, take a stand against this self promotion. Stop romanticizing cheating.
    Funny thing, I once spouted off on the comments section of a similar post. My comments caught the eye of a Facebook friend from my hometown who was chumped too. He reached out to offer support because he figured out from my comments that I was going through some shit. Several months later, it led to the best sex of my life, no twists or repercussions involved. So, for that, cheater-splainers, I sincerely thank you.

    • The notion that good sex can only come from illicit liaisons is so spurious.

      Loved your reply Louisvilleflower

    • Ha!! I got that same comment from mine: “She’s a lot like you. I bet you’d be friends under different circumstances.”

      A lot like me, except a dozen years younger and I have a conscience. Other than that, yeah, BFF material 😀

      And bravo for getting a benefit from FB commenting!

      • Just want to say I’m reading your blog and am a huge fan. I’m in April 2013 and feeling hopeful for you. Lol. Thanks for sharing your life with – well, with everyone.

      • Ditto, Fucktard said the same about being friends with OW under different circumstances and that I’d really like her. OW also said the same thing to me “if circumstances were different I think we’d be friends”, she then tried to charm me with “I think you’re really interesting and interesting people are hard to come by” Esoteric bullshit!
        Ex is a writer, never said anything original throughout the entire ordeal that wasn’t out of the cheaters handbook.

        • Wow. OW actually said that to you?
          I never spoke to OW, but after stalking my FB page she supposedly said the same thing to my cheater. She also told him that we had friends in common, which was a lie. I think she was trying to tell him that she was like me, but version 2.0.

          • OW tried desperately to befriend me. I talked to her a few times before removing myself from the weird fucked up triangulation that was taking place. When I walked away she got all upset!. I mean, I could I walk away when she is so super special and interesting.

            She’s a manipulative, conniving bitch who wanted me to know she was the one with the influence over fucktard, and I ( a mere mortal) was sidelined.

            Everyone thinks she is awesome and charming, she’s a serial cheater who knows how to play people. Comes across well reasoned, I’m sure she’s a cluster B.

            • Before I realized my cheater was a narcissist and learned about narcissism, I had no understanding that people like this existed. I thought they were characters in soap operas.

              • Ow was my friend and no I don’t like her. We are nothing alike. The only thing we had in common was my husband apparently.

              • If we were at a public engagement, cheater would actually ask me who the (trashy) dressed woman was in front of everyone. I knew he was scoping the room. I was dressed clean, sexy . Not trashy whore sexy. If I went to the bathroom, when I came out he was talking to that trashy woman. I could tell that she had been drinking by her speech, so I told her to get back to the bar for more. She was furious and I walked out on my X as he quickly followed to tell me that it was her fault and I replied than why did you ask me about her before I went to the bathroom. I told him if he continued with his former behavior I would walk out on him. He did and I did. He had to call the Sheriff’s Dept. to do a search for me. I walked 12 miles to our farm. He cried because he was embarrassed that he had to call them back to call the search off because I was home. He tried to fight with me and I would have nothing to do with him. After that, I refused to be a part of any public events. A snake can shed it’s skin, but it is still a snake.

            • Wow, wasn’t enough she broke up your marriage she wanted to stay friendly so she could rub your face in their twu luv. Talk about taking the knife and twisting it. She’s a special kinda sick freak. Anyway, be satisfied in knowing you lost a weak, loser cheater and sooner or later their relationship will combust. Always does.

        • OW has had the common sense not to even try to approach me (I have no kids with XH), but I did have Switzerland friends say something similar to me about how they really appreciate my depth and reliability. I said, “You know what gives me that? Integrity. But it comes with a price, as well, as I expect my friends to have integrity, too.” — that was the last I saw of them. And, y’know what? All my friends now? The most honorable line-up you could ever ask for. Strong core values to the very bone.

    • There’s only one way to confirm approval. Inform the other party directly and ask for permission.

      Aw, that takes all the fun out of it? So you wouldn’t be doing it if you really believed I knew then. Right.

      Excuses. Everything they say, excuses.

      • I’ve thought about that scenario when I was in “What if?” mode. What if: XH had come to me and said, “Look there’s this girl who works for me and I have just got the biggest hard-on for her. Can I sleep with her?” — My reply would have certainly included, “Well, only if *I* then get to go out and sleep with someone, as well.” — Hmm, can’t imagine how that would have gone over.

        Besides, if it devolves to that, then why even bother to BE married? So I can continue to do all the housework and pay for everything? Umm, no.

        • Well, I was only saying that in theory. You’re right, what would have happened is he would have asked, you would have said no, and he would have slept with said slut anyway. Same same.

          • I Think I mostly meant that XH wouldn’t have liked it at all if i wanted the same level playing field as him. Like, it’s ok for him to pursue HIS bliss but it wouldn’t be okay if we kept it fair and I got to do it, too.

            • No they don’t. When I asked mine what he would do if I was the one cheating, he said “I’d leave you!” with a look on his face surprised that I’d even ask such a thing.

  • Yay! I’m thrilled to read your response to this. Even though my shitstorm was a decade ago, reading drivel like this still chaps my hide.

    And I absolutely laugh at the “he won’t leave for the other woman”. That’s what countless people told me, too. Imagine my surprise when he did. He was always one to challenge the status quo 😀

    A lot of the women (and men) who read my blog and comment on the FB page eventually come to the conclusion that we’ve been done a massive favor by our cheaters and their partners-in-crime. It takes some of us a long time to get there, but most of us do.

    • Yeah, LOL at they never leave for the OW. I guess all those first wives clubs and such are pure fiction and we never, ever see an old man with a much younger Schmoopie. It just totally NEVER HAPPENS.

      snort!

      • My STBX was just waiting for the “right” OW to come along before leaving. He did a lot of test driving.

        • X was waiting for “the right” one too, after much test driving. He just didn’t count on her being even more cold blooded than he was. She left him after 6 blissful months of schmoopie lurvr.

        • My ex left (actually accepted my kicking him out) the first year he made more money than I did (except when I was home w/babies). He left for OW #2, who made at least as much as him at that point. Apparently never thought about leaving for OW#1; she was ‘juste’ a secretary, no money…. Good enough to suck his sick, though!!!

      • Same shock here when my Ex immediately moved on with her affair partner after DDay. Didn’t make any sense that she pretended she was still invested in our 20 year marriage during her 18 month affair, only to completely disengage when caught and remarry only9nths later just following his second infidelity caused divorce. I’ve since learned more about personality disorders, so that helps. Lol. My favorite part of the accompanying mindfuck is that the affair partner turned husband has my same name, which makes things much easier for her. Of course it’s awkward for my children, but who really cares about them? Right?

    • MC said men don’t leave, it’s usually the woman who leaves. News to me. Made me feel even worse because I was not only getting cheated but also discarded and dumped.

      • Kiwi, that’s crazy that the MC would say that because these cheater/narc men will definitely leave as long as they feel they have a good/better source of supply lined up. Even though I was the one who kicked my XH out for the final time before divorcing him, I knew he was plotting and planning to escape with Schmoopie (you know a loving marriage is such a horrible prison!!!, insert sarcasm). I am glad I beat him to the punch before he could actually discard me, but the fact still remains that he was planning to leave me.

        • Yeah, it’s statistical semantics: It’s possible XH would have remained roommates with me forever and ever, never even bothering with the whole “divorce” thing, so I am officially the one who filed. But only because of his actions. — Still, on paper, it says I initiated the action.

      • Statistically, women initiate over 60% of divorces (but that doesn’t tell us anything about the causes of the divorce).

        • Probably, because some of those women were the only ones that had any b*lls in the “relationship”. Cheaters are only going to go the easy way and divorce is not easy, it takes guts.

          • I was aware of the statistics. I think the MC said it to prove that the traitor was really serious about leaving and that it must be a horrible relationship for him to leave, i.e. you drove him away Kiwichump.

            • It has NOTHING to do with you. You didn’t drive him away. Even if you were the worst wife in the world (I’ve heard your story and you weren’t!) He left because he deluded himself into thinking he’d “be happier” with the OW. It had NOTHING to do with you. Don’t listen to that bullshit! It’s all him and not you. If they had one cell in their bodies that WASN’T made of selfishness none of us would be here! IT WASN’T YOU!

    • That was one of my problems when I first found out…I immediately called a marriage counselor and found all of the RIC sites first. SO many said they rarely leave for the other woman…I was trying so hard to convince myself that it was true. That we were going to make it through this. But I KNEW…I just KNEW, in my gut, he was going to leave me for her.

      And he did.

      And he’s still with her.

      Even though he said “it wasn’t real” and “I’m not just going to run off with her…and what, ruin her life, too?” Guess it was ok to ruin our life, but how dare he ruin his precious little princess-whore.

      • And when they leave, it’s our fault, the problem is our reaction to their cheating and lying, not that they are cheaters and liars. We’re not forgiving, we don’t love them unconditionally, we don’t trust them, we no longer look at them with admiration and trust. We’re sad, we’re harsh, we’re judgemental, we’re not open-minded and evolved. No wonder they leave…How could they stand this unbearable chump any longer. They just must escape this abuse, don’t you get it?!

      • Integrity
        That line about princess whore just about gave me a flashback. 12 hours after discovering evidence of some kind of relationship with two women, he was still denying they were anything but friends. Maybe they were closer than I was comfortable with but nothing bad was happening. He wasn’t going to fess up despite promising his sincere truthfulness. So I waited until 3am (I wasn’t sleeping but of course in the spare room he was sleeping like a baby) woke him up and said “hey. I have a plan, let me what’s app her on your phone. (turned out to be OW #3) and chat as if I’m you. Then I can see you are just friends. And we can get back to our lives.”
        He really didn’t want to do that. I just can’t do that. I don’t want you to upset her. She may feel defensive. She might be upset.
        I was putting it as a straight out choice between us, his wife of 21 years or this woman he had known for five months. He wouldn’t do it. And I pushed. And he admitted to sleeping with her that’s why he couldn’t let me text her.
        Later I found a warning text he had sent her just after that conversation “I may send you ugly texts. Please understand. Don’t reply”.

        That said it all. Her feelings must be spared. Wife of 21 years, not so much.

        That’s when it all snapped for me.

        • Cap, I’ve heard cops say that guilty suspects sleep soundly in custody whereas the innocent can’t sleep. In fact they said that’s a clue to someone’s guilt if they sleep soundly when under suspicion…Seems like cheaters are quite similar to criminals.

        • Ouch, Cap!! In addition to soundly sleeping, mine also whistled cheerfully the morning after the last DDay while preparing breakfast. He thought I was asleep. I watched him carelessly going around the kitchen and preparing fruit smoothies and tra-la-la-ing just a few hours after the conversation that totally broke my heart and the life I thought I have. I have been NC over 1.5 months except a few child related texts. He whattsapp’ed me a rose today and a text: You are my life.

          The first reaction was to reply with sth sarcastic like ” The life you broke apart?” But I decided to keep my NC course. How long do you have to endure your cheater before he is back? Mine plans to come over beginning of March for spring break. He’ll stay over at his mom’s which is next door building. I will have to see him to discuss the separation. Not looking forward to it.

      • Speaking of flashbacks, just remember this: The day after Dday (maybe even the day itself?), I was quizzing XH about his sudden unilateral decision that our marriage was over (I didn’t yet know about OW, but would within days, so I still call it Dday) since it came so much out of the blue, and I asked, “Is anyone around you going through a divorce, maybe influencing you and telling you how great it is? — How about OW [who I knew, because she worked for XH, and somehow I knew she was also getting a divorce]?” And he said, “OW’s divorce is nothing like this situation.” And since he’d told me not long before that OW was “not [his] type,” it never occurred to me. — Surprise!! And, yes, they’re getting married.

        Also, another thing I kept hearing is “He’ll come begging you to take him back, you’ll see!” but he never did. I always sort of wanted him to, y’know, even if it was false. But he didn’t. I tell myself it’s because I think he was always a little bit afraid of me. You know that scene in Lord of the Rings when Gandalf gets angry and goes from being a stooped old man to a towering god with a booming voice? I’m a little bit like that, and I think XH knew better than to try sniffing around.

    • Oh, my gosh, you guys are cracking me up this morning, and I totally need it. Thank you.

      Never really thought about it before, but a fellow chump would be kind of the ideal partner, but only if the cheater is thoroughly history. Having to add yet another cheater, even by association, to the life mix? That would not rock.

      • This guy gets it. And, he is 12 years out of his divorce. They share custody but he has pretty good boundaries. It isn’t serious at this point, but I am having fun!
        I don’t know that anyone but a fellow chump could understand why and how much I hate my STBX. He has talked me down a few times.

  • SO many triggers here, if I tried to get to all of them I’d hijack the post. So here are just a few:

    1. “People Who Judge You for Cheating Have Never Cheated” On the one hand, I will always wear this as a badge of honor. I never cheated. I was true to the promise I made to her — and more importantly to myself — that I would be the stand-up person I had always expected of myself. On the other hand, is the writer seriously suggesting that if we as people are willing to abandon the principles of honesty and integrity for the sake of self-indulgence, that we’d all be better off? I’d like to think we’re capable of better.

    2. “In that way, I think affairs can be really useful, because let’s face it, life is fucking scary, and it’s hard to make big changes all by yourself.” This is spelled C-O-W-A-R-D-I-C-E. Cowardice is never useful, no matter how much you delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

    3. Items 2 & 3, about all of that mind-blowing sex that can only happen when you pull away from the person you’ve committed to: this is personal because the Kunty Kibbler used the lure of exploration and fantasy fulfillment early on in our courtship — when we first met, and later when she successfully tried to lure me back in when I broke things off after seeing some big red flags (I’ll always kick myself for not taking them more seriously). The cycle began again when the open cheating started, and at that point is was totally about the sex. It became NOT about the sex the moment I discovered that she told the Carrot Singer that I was beating her — that’s when my head cleared and revealed exactly what I was dealing with.

    • Wonderfully put ux! I too kept my promise to asswipe and more importantly to myself. I walked away finanally after three and a half years of torture. But i am now free! In my head im still not where i want to be but getting closer to full meh every day! I escaped his miserable lying ass life he didnt.

      • Well, we have to live in this skin of ours, so doing the right thing is the only way. It was ridiculously painful to honor my vows, but I was never once even tempted to do otherwise. I used to think that somewhere, deep down, cheater boy must feel guilty–after dday, he said he was in endless torture the WHOLE TIME, snort–but now I finally see my mistake. He has no “deep down”. Just none. Wading pool all the way across.

        • Plenty of triggers for me too UX. But actually I’m glad CL posted this because it helps me to deal with this crap. And all these comments are so powerful. It takes the power away from articles like this and gives it back to us. The only the sex is “really mind blowing” is if they have no depth from the beginning.

        • I was tempted, once, but I walked away and shut the guy down. And so don’t talk to ME about temptation, XH, because I know how it feels, but I made a promise to dedicate my life to being your partner and it’s monogamy or nothing.

  • I read this whole article and what drival! Seems like the parker poodle is trying to glorify herself and condone what happened. stupid bitch. May the sun never shine on her again.

  • True signs of the narc in that she states pregnancy (and, by extension, a sexually transmitted disease) only lead to one “big problem”, and that is getting caught. Really? The only “big problem” is getting caught. And, if you are caught and alienated from your family (i.e. alienated from your own children you produced in a marriage) – the supposedly ming blowing orgasm only “probably won’t feel worth it”. As in, there is a change that there is an orgasm so great it will be worth losing your wife, your children, and maybe even the rest of your family. Really?

    • Yep, a true narc, she didn’t have this happen to her so she can’t really relate. No empathy. The narc glosses over profound loss anyway because he/she just doesn’t feel it. They quickly move on (to the next victim) and continue to cause destruction in people’s lives.

      • She was super smart. She didn’t get caught. People who get caught are not super smart, so they deserve the harsh consequences. Super smart people are entitled to do whatever they like without worrying about consequences to themselves, whereas dumb people deserve what they get.

        • Lol, Dixie Chump. I followed you. 🙂

          All kidding aside, I think what’s most disturbing about this article (and there are a lot of low-hanging, disturbing fruits) is the fact that it appears to be some sort of guide for someone else to not only follow her example, but improve upon it. “Learn from my mistakes, newbie OW and do better!”

          …F*ck this woman and her insane cheating entitled mind.

          • I think the problem is really no one wants to hear it. The people that live “normal” lives are happy and they KNOW their spouse would NEVER CHEAT. I would have staked my life on it (and I did. I just didn’t know it at the time). The day of d-day, before he admitted what happened (he told me he wasn’t found out), if you had put a gun to my head 2 minutes before he said he cheated, and you asked me if my husband would ever cheat for any reason EVER I would 100% have said NO! (And then been shot. At least that would have been painless!)

            “Normal, happy” people don’t want to hear that. It could NEVER happen to them. And cheaters don’t have the mental wherewithal to look into “what would happen if I cheated”? Before they do it. Because they DGAF about anything. They do it because they can, because they’ve given themselves permission, because why not? Because “life’s too short” and I’m a fucking walking cliché of idiocy and selfishness. Because YOLO! Because I’m a middle aged douchebag trying to recapture my youth with my dick. Because my life and wife and everything else has let ME down and it’s all that other stuff’s fault I’m not happy.

            They have a million reasons why they did it, why they deserved it and if they thought AT ALL they would have seen one million reasons or even just ONE to stop themselves. They are so selfish you’d think “well I’ll loose half of everything” would be enough. But not if they are “SO SMART” they’ll NEVER GET CAUGHT! Ha ha! Really got one over on the chump! ?

    • She’s probably hoping some married men reading it who are thinking of cheating will look her up. Why else are two of her pointless points about supposedly mind blowing sex that only cheating and lying can bring?

    • I do too. Well the ‘humanity’ that is cheaters.

      Then I remember I’m a chump and so part of the other good part of humanity. So I’ll raise a glass to you tonight as you and all of CL are worth celebrating. A more caring, selfless and supportive bunch you would be hard pushed to find.

      The above drivel isn’t worth your tears. May I suggest some more therapeutic limericks…..

      • I don’t consider cheaters part of humanity. And I don’t weep for them. I weep for their victims – partners and kids. I weep for people who weep because of them.
        (It is Monday morning and I am in a “take no prisoners” mood.??)
        Can’t wait for the limericks!! ❤❤❤

  • I learned one lesson from this article: people who are OK with cheating on others enjoy the risk, so it follows, logically, that it’s actually food for them to receive the consequences. If the risk of losing this relationship is the thing that makes the sex with the AP so exciting, then actually losing the relationship must be downright scintillating, the best imaginable magical orgasm ever, the culmination of fantasy becoming reality.

    Here, cheaters, let us help you get there. Bye, Douchebag!

  • Where are the insightful, poignant articles from those who were faithful about the damage their careless, indulging cheaters caused? Chumps endure an intimate betrayal and continue to hold fast to integrity and honor. No one writes about the fallout or the betrayed. Thank you CL for your book, your posts, and this site.

    • Never
      That’s very true. It seems that cheating is seem as titillating. The combination of lies, secrecy, risk and sex. The other side of the story has not yet been told widely enough or disappointingly may not be as ‘interesting’ or ‘sexy’. Reading about the consequences of betrayal is neither of these things. Plus maybe half of all readers may be or have been or are contemplating cheating and they are unlikely to take note.
      I think the more chumps speak out the more things will change. Educating the therapy and legal professions would be a good place to start too.

    • No one wants to hear that! Because it would mean that the cheater is a TERRIBLE FUCKING PERSON! And NO ONE is allowed to judge anyone anymore! We’re ALL perfect amazing unique beautiful snowflakes and there is no right and wrong. Just I want. I want. I want! If people had to hear about how fucking awful the chump felt about being cheated on then that would infringe on the rights of people that enjoy fucking strange and fucking over devoted families/partners. How DARE you use your puny emotions and an entire life built on loving trust and sacrifice to try to control me and STEAL my DESERVED HAPPINESS AWAY! You don’t know what it’s like for me to SUFFER endlessly while I pretend that I’m happy and have to say “I love you” daily to the evoke female Hitler of marriage. And how I have to sleep with my EVIL/MEAN/STUPID/FRIGID wife AND my amazing secret girlfriend! You’re SO awful and boring/bad in bed/too loving/too monogamous/not WONDERFUL FABULOUS AMAZING MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! so you deserved whatever I deigned to give you. Not truth or happiness yourself!

      That’s what I assume is going on in the cheater’s head. Chumps are an annoying inconvenience and if they had to think about how it would feel for them if the same thing happened to them they couldn’t stand themselves and would probably kill themselves. So deflect and blame and then you were in the right.

      That woman is so disgusting I actually feel physically ILL after reading that article.

      • Sad Shelby, you answered my question. Narcs think, talk, and write about only themselves!

        Meanwhile, chumps are so others-focused and caring, they might write about their children or other interests before they’d write about themselves and their personal pain.

    • Gosh, Never, you’re such a DOWNER, y’know?? Like, I mean, … like [Can you hear the Valley Girl accent, and visualize me chomping gum and twirling my hair??? 🙂 ], let’s just all have FUN, y’know? Like, just, y’know… GO for it, y’know???”

      Besides, at least half the movies & films & TV shows would evaporate, since they all expect us to side with the cheater who is pursuing their TRUE selves, while old ugly frumpy boring nagging spouses are tucked into their twin bed by 9pm wearing their boring pajamas buttoned all the way up to the neck!

      Sometimes I just fucking hate the world.

  • I’m pretty sure the sex become regular once their cover is blown no more sneaking around like teenagers. The intelligence on this site blows my mind.

    • I actually said that to XH once, “Let’s just get this all out in the open so all that titillating [yes, I actually used the word titillating] sneaking around is over with and you can have a real relationship in the harsh light of day like everyone else!”

      of course, he still snuck around with her for a while so as not to appear that he left me for her, which he did, but you know these narcs and their image-management. Ha ha, XH, the joke’s on you! Society has devolved enough that now everything is justifiable and no one gives a shit!!

  • Once I got my head out of the toilet from vomiting I had to laugh. The delusions these people use to make themselves feel better is amazing. We can add to this dumb list one my cheater started using at some point that he thought was so clever – he started saying things like “this is the best thing that ever happened to us because it has made us stronger” and “I really should than the OW because this has brought us closer”! Barf! Oh did I mention he was still boffing the OW while saying this garbage. He thought it made him sound deep, it only furthered making himself look like the asshole he was.

    • I thought the same thing BARF….
      On a lighter note and an amusing FYI, The Worm is in self pity mode; I’m having more fun without him, I don’t have time for him, could I make some time? Hilarious!???

    • “I really should than the OW because this has brought us closer” If I am honest, I wish I was in a position to say that, just to stick the knife in the whore…

      • Hey STBX bring the OW over here so I can thank her for “fixing our relationship!” ? I could totally get behind that one!

  • The Fifty Shades of POOP

    Don’t be judging me while I judge people who disagree with me

    The sex was hot, I never knew I liked it up my poop hole. Cheating liberated my poop hole and I’m a porn star soccer mom in the suburbs.

    Bathroom selfies with the toillet in the background is self actualization ART, being a cheater opened my artistic expression, cheating is an avenue to finding your inner expression and being real like margarine.

    Being desired whether in the backseat of the family van, an alley behind the Walmart, or the pay per hour motel, or even better doing it in the martial bed while the spouse is at work is Desire of maximum proportion. *warning don’t be Judgy* if you judge you’re cold and anti-desire.

    Cheating is not wrong….getting caught is wrong.

    Shiny things are Shiny!!!

    You want what you want…the heart wants what it wants and the knee bone is connected to the Boner!!!

    Monogamy is unnatural, unnatural like soap, toillet paper, stop signs and deodorant.

    To be continued I’m pooped tired from over thinking….ahhh I just saw something shiny.

    • PF
      You are just brilliant! I’m still laughing about the onion farting thing.

      This is the only suitable reply. ????

    • ????

      Lot of truth to the porn star bit, though. That’s sex in our culture. I sometimes despair of discovering any man whose desires and expectations aren’t entirely driven by porn. I can’t even begin to tell you how many guys have asked me for nudes, Skype sex, etc. You know that Peanuts Christmas special? Picture me as frustrated Charlie Brown, the original lovable chump, finally reaching the breaking point and shouting, “Doesn’t anybody have real and loving sex, anymore?” Answer me that, Linus. Waiting.

      • So true.

        To the point that my ex was taking his 19 year old Australian girlfriend to Thailand to get he labia reduction surgery.

        Apparently they were too big and one side bigger than the other, and you know, according to porn out there these days all women are supposed to have size ZZZZZ boobs, no flaps, and a perfectly bleached shiny white poop hole.

        I mean really, at age 19, she’s getting so old, better have those surgeries now. Time is wasting. I swear if that slut makes it to 40 she will be hysterical about her body.

        But hey, let’s not be too hard on her. Apparently my ex felt sorry for her because she was raped at age 14, so he felt the right way to remedy that wrong was to stick his 53 year old dick in her. Yeah. That’s gonna help.

        And those are just some of the pretty things porn in our culture does to women’s self-image and concept of right and wrong. If you’re getting your relationship advice from porn, there’s something really wrong with you!

        • Labia reduction surgery? No words. The sickness of that is truly bone chilling. Why not just go all out and do the whole genital mutilation deal? After all, her pleasure is of no concern. Her only job is to compliant and close-up worthy. Dang.

          • Honestly, that my ex was paying for such things… It’s still hard when I tell that story to grasp that this person was the person I thought I fell in love with and lived with for 20 years. He was a freak and I’m sorry he ever touched me. I feel dirty.

            He had dozens of friends who gave me the creeps too, and were doing this kind of stuff. It’s really sick what goes on now.

          • It’s also the reality of our youth today.

            I did a little research into this when I found out about it. Labiaplasty for girls as young as 16 is the new boob job. Now, not only are they getting boob jobs before their bodies are fully matured, but they are getting their bits surgically altered before they should even be using them for anything sexual.

            Why? Because porn in our culture is so widely and freely available that women think that the things they see in porn are normal, everyday acts that they are meant to perform to keep their men happy and to… well… attract and keep a man. It’s really sad.

            I found a letter from this same 19 year old that she wrote to her 26 year old bodybuilder boyfriend, that my ex clearly managed to find and keep a copy of, that told him she was sorry she couldn’t see him, but she needed a new car, and she had someone who was going to buy her one (my fat 53 year old ex), so she had to concentrate on him now.

            So sad that girls think today they have to be prostitutes to get what they want, have things surgically enhanced to trap men into giving them presents, instead of having a little respect for themselves and going out and educating themselves and kicking the world’s ass, so they aren’t reliant on these men.

            However, not my problem, and I wish I’d been a fly on the wall when my ex had found her e-mail to her boyfriend. I still wonder what delusion he created to convince himself that she twuly wuved him after finding that e-mail. It must have been a doozy.

      • I feel like I will literally NEVER want another human being again because I don’t think I can ever trust or open up to someone that way after this. And when I have a less than debilitatingly awful day I look around in the world and try to imagine going on a date 10, 20, 35 years in the future (if I haven’t whithered away from crying so many tears and I ever recover real human emotions that don’t involve my heart feeling like it’s being ripped out of my chest) and I just. Bleh! Nope. Not for me. I can’t imagine looking at someone else and thinking YAY! I’m so happy and in love with that guy! And then I read all these dating/texting horror stories and all these tales of chump woe and the stories of people who have cheated and gotten away with it and all the entitlement of EVERYONE now and I just think nope! Done! ? It’s so depressing!

        • I understand, Shelby. Spent the first few months just sitting here thinking of what a truly huge slice of my life was wasted, and feeling robbed of the love I would never, ever have again. But, you just never know. I’m pretty content on my own. I have lots of interests and passions. No clue what will come next. That is incredibly intimidating, but also quite liberating. Hang in. It is the hardest thing ever. But you will make it. In whatever form, happiness will come again.

        • I feel the same way and it’s pathetic that I would still work it out. I’d rather keep what I have, even though he is not the same person. It’s sick. Hang in there Sad Shelby. I know how you feel. I don’t want to get a divorce but I have to and it sucks.

          • I feel the same way. I know it’s all ruined but I feel so ruined myself I don’t know what to do. I mean I know what I HAVE to do but I’m just terrified and sad and angry and I just feel impossibly stuck. Everyday I wish I’d wake up from this nightmare or that a meteor would just take me out. Or even better, take him out! Then I can have the savings, the 401ks AND the life insurance. Come on universe! Karma meteor! ☄️

            • Sad

              “I just feel impossibly stuck.”

              Make a list of all the the shit he has done (actions). Get fucking pissed and file before he drains your bank account and 401k.

              Believe he’s an asshole.

  • These kinds of articles are a dime a dozen online. It’s useful to us only to the extent that it shows just how universally shallow a cheater’s mind is when they’re involved in an A.

    They think they’re being smart…..but really they’re not. They think their lives are more evolved because they’re involved in multiple relationships……….but really they are showing that they are not mature enough handle even one. And of course, they always think their affair is unique and special…..but really it’s just as big a cliche as any other affair.

    The next time somebody gives me a rational, well thought out and logical reason to cheat on your spouse will be the first time. There simply is no rational excuse.

    • They are plentiful. It is disappointing that pages like Scary Mommy and HuffPost Divorce post them without a disclaimer.

  • This article is truly disheartening. The lack of any moral character by the author is disgusting. I read the entire article and found this sentence particularly interesting “I clearly wasn’t as directly involved in betraying my lover’s family as he was, but I certainly played a part in the deceit.” She wasn’t directly involved? She also talks about her clear conscious.

    I hope one day she can use this advice for herself. When her partner is cheating, he can hand her this article to smooth things over. She can understand about the best sex, the judging, the fact that she ignored the signs. Then I would love her to write an article on the other side. I want it to include hitting rock bottom that the person you trusted most in the world is a lying cheating scumbag, but she knows her relationship will be stronger because he will bring the great sex he learned into her bed. What a reward, maybe he can picture the other woman while he is doing her—bonus!

    • I recently met a woman at a divorce group who overshared that she had been the OW, broke up a marriage with 2 kids, moved across country and married him. She hates his kids (what a worthless POS) and would fight with the douche every time the poor babes would schlepp across the country to visit — she hates losing centrality. Fast forward 4 years. While she was in rehab he left her for another married ho-worker whom he knocked up with twins! And the now-divorced woman is losing her shit over it.
      I told her that IMO she got exactly what she deserved, and is a total hypocrite and she shut her mouth and do the world a favor and stay out of all relationships.
      These “people” (vultures) are horrifying up close.

      • All I have to say about that is ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bitch got what she deserved.

        (Sorry I hate the use of bitch as a word for woman but it is appropriate in this situation!) What an awful wale of destruction because of some truly terrible people! It would be hard not to just slap her upside the head! What was she and he and the other OW thinking?! ?

      • The fact that she would show up at a divorce support group and disclose that and then expect sympathy/support shows how entitled cheaters are.

  • This has actually made me feel quite ill. The thinking and rational of this deluded piece of shit. Maybe in the morning i will be able to pick it to pieces but at the moment i’m just shocked by the blaze attitude of it and how most # points are stated and then blame deflected in the same sentence or is then twisted to get a supposedly “morally acceptable” positive out of the rest of the crap in the paragraph. What a waste of perfectly good body “vessel” that could have been born to a kind, good, decent soul. It was wasted on a filthy piece of slim.Yuck, i need to sleep on this one and attack it in the morning.

  • I see my cheater in a lot of this. Just ugh. Yes, he came to me and said the adult kids should be happy because he is happy. And yes, the kids will be ok because AP said they would. Of course they’ll be ok says AP as she uses my cheater as dad #4 to her kiddos. Those kids are used to being bounced around. AP kids are telling people mom is marrying a man with money so mom is set for life. What kind of f’ed up rationalization is that? Blew up our family. Blew up her family.

    Just gross. Gross. Bad. Awful. Me and my kids – we will be ok. We are like NORMAL.

    Him not so much. Recently been calling him out on all his UBT. I’ve been mirroring. Pretty interesting stuff. Once house sold and stuff divided – then total no contact.

    • LiveForToday,
      I love reading your posts because we have exactly the same story.
      AP says the kids are adults, and should want their dad to be happy. She’s sad they aren’t in the picture but none of this is her fault and as soon as they accept my cheater ex’s choices ( and her part in them) and respect that she’s the new me…..a great relationship waits there for them……..the promise land.
      The bullshit I got from my ex was ASTOUNDING!!
      “You don’t know how I feel……or she feels!!!!! We’re great people!!”
      Yep, that happened.
      The only article I want to read from a cheater is the one that says:
      “I cheated, and that means I’m a complete asshole who should never date or marry anybody”
      I’ll read that shit all day.

      • My Ex’s Schmoopie took it upon herself to write a letter titled, “To My Family” making it seem as if my Ex had written it. This was midway through our divorce and I ‘m certain she wanted to be sure that the earth was scorched and all bridges were burned. She made two very large mistakes though. It was obvious to me and my adult children that the style of writing was NOT his. Then when she went into his family contact list to send this gem, she was unaware that she sent it to two dead relatives and nieces and nephews that had no idea what was going on as we aren’t super close with them. My adult children replied immediately to the relatives and gave them the 411 on Schmoopie. It didn’t help her case at all! Let’s face it, these folks are so hyped up on lust they can’t use common sense!

        • Thank God no contact at all with the slut. But definitely got boatloads of “I hope the kids will understand that my happiness is important” from cheater boy. Happy life with the slut achieved? Guess we’re all supposed to clutch our hearts and well up with tears of deep down joy on his behalf because, after searching many sluts head to toe for his mysteriously AWOL happiness, he finally, sniffle, discovered it in this most recent one. And there was, apparently, celebration throughout the land.

      • For some people, happiness means hurting other people. They can only achieve happiness by watching others suffers. Sadists. Or their feelings are so dull that they need those extremes to feel anything. In any case, they are not functioning normally.

        • kiwi, my superior at work is like that, happiness means hurting other people. He gets joy from others suffering. I am working in hell.

          • Oh, I had a boss like that years ago. We used to call him rat-boy, because he had a big nose and an overbite like a rat.

            I came in on contract, and although I was chumped in my personal life, I could not be chumped at work. I am not kidding when I say his whole team was miserable, and they were staying there in their dead-end jobs because he’d spent years telling them how inept they were and that nobody else would employ them, that he had them convinced, and none of them even tried.

            I spent the entire 6 month contract befriending these people and telling them how good they were at what they did and how most definitely they could get great jobs. Then, just when I was negotiating another 6 months that he desperately needed my services for and was in the 11th hour of that negotiation, I got a better offer, and dumped the whole contract. He was livid.

            He was even more livid that 3 of his employees left within a couple months of me leaving. One of them has absolutely soared in her life since, and has thanked me over and over for making her realize her worth.

            Funny, I’m not fooled in my business life, but I let someone manipulate me in exactly the same way in my personal life for 20 years. It’s funny, isn’t it? That will never happen again, that’s all I know.

    • Ugh. Whenever cheater boy would post photos of the kids to his FB page (no worries, all relevant people long since blocked), the slut would both like them and add some comment about what a “great dad” he was. This even though the pics–because for him it did not happen if there are no pics to serve as evidence of his greatness–only happened when he showed up every few months to play at being Disney Dad. Sigh.

      • My STBX is blocked, but this is exactly how I would imagine his fb posts to go. He used to post pictures that I took and sent him and act as if he was involved.
        ???

  • Myself…..like ALOT of folks on here don’t have the ” I messed up….” cheater.(Capricorn, I would love to see my ex a little repentant but if he was I would probably just yell at him that I know it’s all bullshit.) I had THIS cheater. The cheater that doesn’t feel like he “messed up” the cheater that feels his happiness is paramount and whatever the carnage to achieve that….so be it. It was for sure a “judge free” zone.
    Kids hate me? Fuck it, I’m happy and they will come around eventually ( it’s been 2 years and they dislike him more now……so no)
    Threw my wife, my life partner who loved me in the garbage like it was nothing???
    Yep- because I didn’t feel happy with her like I feel happy with my affair partner for an hour or two in a hotel. This makes my wife in my eyes deficient. It clearly can be done…..my AP can do it, in an hour or less. My wife had 20 years to get it right…..now she’s gotta go. Next!
    Turned my family’s life upside down with NO warning. Yep! Can’t move in with the AP without the wife being in the loop. I’m good, but not that good…
    I NEVER got the ” I messed up” talk. I got the “let’s talk about how you are no longer making me happy” talk. Either way, I’m winning.
    He’s still with that AP so she must be dancing like crazy. That shit is exhausting and I’m thrilled that she has that job now.
    Healing from this shit is sloooow, and no matter what anybody says there are going to be days you fall off the wagon hard, just because the injustice blows your damn mind.
    Some days I want the relationship with the AP to implode and some days I want them to stay together……mostly because by now she’s got to be seeing glimpses of the real him.
    This makes my heart happy.

    • I got both, but they cannot logically coexist, and “you made me unhappy” won out in the end. Anyway, “I made mistakes” and “I regret hurting you” were utterly empty. Never any attempt to stop doing either of those things.

      • I also got the further mindfucking both, sometimes within seconds (channels flip in a nanosecond with Satan’s ugly brother):

        “i’m so sorry I did this – it is a terrible mistake I should never have left you and the kids, I’m so sorry…”. All written while laying next to the whore in the $5k a month apt he paid for using marital funds!

        “You never accepted me, you made me do this because you told me I didn’t make enough $.” Uh, no loser, I suggested you solve your angst about no raise for 8 years by working with a head-hunter, you had an offer and new job making 2x what you made within 3 weeks…..?

        At trial the Judge was so fed up with these ridiculous accusations he threw the book at Satan’s ugly brother. Gave me nearly everything we have.

    • Paintwidow
      I could read your stuff all day.
      You mentioned hotel sex and I think a big change in thinking might come about as people become more aware that cheating isn’t glamorous hotels, smokey eyes across a Michelin starred restaurant, other women/men who look like movie stars, huge and multiple operatic orgasms, sexy apartments, flash cars and deep and meaningful talk about ‘the place of our exuberant defiance in a cold world’.
      It’s more like sneaking around, fast, crap sex, lying to each other as much as possible because how could either tell the truth? It’s rushed sex in bathrooms or motels or each other’s houses. It’s fucked up, messy and empty. It’s mindless sexting and lying to loved ones. It’s shameful, hidden and pointless. It’s stolen moments in parking garages, fast food outlets, classrooms, bathrooms and clubs. It’s STD testing, paternity testing, divorce and broken lives.
      Maybe cheating would be less popular if it was seen as it mostly is not how Hollywood does it.

      • Cap, the key word here is “stolen”. Doesn’t matter how crap or dingy it is, it’s stolen so it’s better than earning it.

      • Yeah, I was bracing myself for Angelina Jolie emerging from behind a velvet curtain in lingerie gnashing her teeth at me and mocking my glaring inadequacies.
        Reality check was when someone who looked like Velma from Scooby Doo’s grandma threw up deuces and walked right away with my very willing ex husband.

        Zoinks.

        • Ugh, I too was expecting Angelina but got Velma. I couldn’t believe it, this woman walked around with carmel popcorn stuck to her ass from her dirty ass car. But she was his twu luv, until she wasn’t. Then about 2 weeks later he already has another schmoopie (could he have possibly had another on the hook, you know just in case twu luv didn’t work out), he ends up with the current gf. I made some comment one day to my son about new schmoopie and x’s sister being the best of friends, new schmoopie was like “another sister to x sis in law, blah, blah, blah”. My son says “Mom, of course, they get along, they are the same and new schmoop looks like dad’s sister, so why wouldn’t they get along”. After my son says that, we both look at each other and simultaneously say EWWWWW.

        • Zoinks! Haha, Ugh no…

          Regardless of what they look like, whatever their age, these are desperadoes.

          I will never forget the first time I saw the SlunT. Good God man if that didn’t knock him off the pedistal. My therapist said he would never find anyone attractive and intelligent.

          Bottom line, I was the one who set MY bar too low.

          • lol, DoingMe, x’s choice sure as hell knocked him off of that damn pedestal for me.

            he gave me so much shit about cleaning the house and cleaning, and cleaning and did I mention cleaning. And then to find out about how his twu luv was a freaking slob, I practically lost my shit. he abused me for so long for things that I wasn’t doing well or things that I wasn’t doing “right”, but he picks an immoral, married with little kids, slob of a “woman”, who had been around the entire workplace, managers down to the grocery baggers, like the store “bike”. It shamed me, but not for very long, because I started to tell my story, I started to tell who and what the f*ck he was leaving me for and it felt good to see the look on peoples faces when they heard it, some may have seen it as sour grapes but there were other who knew who I was talking about.

      • Mine did it in the Durango. Her skanky bleached blond locks along with his pubic hair. I once found a stash of gathered up hair in the side door pocket. And, then when I wen to use his car I watched him grab it out.

        I called it Durango Sex. He’s 58. Hello. Are you a teenager? Oh yea they did it at my house too.

      • Totally agree! It’s hot and sexy in a movie or on TV because people on TV and in movies are hot and sexy. Real people are just real, average.

        The cheater’s need for all the selfish, cheap, gross sex of course leads To schmoopie who is also going to be gross and cheap. Real people don’t want to be the gross, cheap side fuck of someone gross and cheap. Like attracts like! And remember no matter how good looking Angelina may be on the outside, even she is a gross and cheap side piece! And she got what was coming to her. A cheater. They filed for divorce two years after they married. And now look at Jenn! Looks SO YOUNG still and she has a HAWT successful husband! Go Jenn! Go chumps!

    • Thanks PW. Saw the therapist today as I hang my head and shake at all the crap he does that is so hurtful and destructive to not only me but my adult daughter who used to adore her dad. Therapist is – this is WHO he is – always remember that and if you are not FOR him then you are against him and you are to be destroyed. Yep. He tramples ALL over boundaries and thinks nothing is wrong with his behavior. Lies like its his job about EVERYTHING.

      Trying to divide house – he is living there and pretty sure he will clean it out. He is accusing me of that but everything he accuses me of – he does to me.

      So hard to process that I was married to him for 32 years!!! Therapist and attorney both said I made him seem normal.

      The AP is a really whore.

      Cheater fully expects to replace her for me. It is absolutely nuts.

      Yep

  • Showering after the gym is a signal that someone is cheating? I thought it was a sign of not wanting to be sweaty, sticky and stinky all day afterward.

    • It’s a common lie….cheaters have sex/shower at their AP’s house, but lie and say they showered at the gym.

      Another one: Practically running to the shower as soon as they get home, so they can wash off the stank and their partners won’t as easily smell perfume/cologne/sex juices on them.

      • Or having a squeaky clean soapy-smelling goatie after a “business meeting and grocery shopping”. hmmmm….

  • “But looking back, I realize if my lover had admitted the good stuff, it would’ve put the kibosh on the affair, because he needed to justify his actions”

    This is only true thing she said.

    Affair partners are in serious denial. They need to believe that their partners’ marriages are crap. They need to believe they are the cheaters’ salvation, saving them from a no-sex, horrible, spouse. It’s all lies, and a fantasy in their heads.

  • I can’t. I had to stop at #3 because I though I might lose my breakfast. Even with the UBT. I just can’t. What the hell is wrong with people? WHY WHY WHY is it OK to do these things?!? Why do people get to publish this garbage and promote this fucked up mindset? Why is it so easy for them, but it was so hard for me to find a source like chumplady.com?

  • I went to a “new friends’ ladies meet up group this past weekend. Conversation centered around a OW, bemoaning her issues.
    Man, I heard it all!
    “I didn’t know he was married, by the time I knew I was in love and it was too late!”
    “His wife does the same thing to him!”
    “His marriage was over before we met!”
    “The kids will all be ok!” (8 between them all)
    “I’m not THAT woman, nor type of person!” {Except, of course, you are.}
    “I broke up with him because he would not file!”
    “We are Soul mates!”
    “I’ve never felt a love like that before!” (Even with the father of her 5 kids?}
    “HOW should I give him back his stuff?”
    “Should I tell his wife? I don’t want to become involved.”
    The only thing that shocked me was that MOST of the women, all but a few were at the first meeting, were supportive of this blabbermouth. They cheered her on (in dumping him), but agreed with basically everything she had to say.
    I, for once just sat there and listened.
    The thing I took away from the meeting, is that the OW gives not one sh@t about you, your kids and they REALLY just want your life. They truly do not see themselves as bad people, and they get TREMENDOUS support for their screw ups.

    Shocking. Not everyone there was OK with this (I imagine in a room full of divorced women), but they were by and large, silent.

    • Really, {sorry for the typos} OW have no concept or room in their heads for the people they screw over. OW didn’t hate wife, she was just OBLIVIOUS to the problems that she caused. Like a dark vacancy.

      Also I feel she wanted absolution from the group for her bad actions. She kept saying what a good person she was…
      Still oblivious to the pain and problems she probably caused all these other people.

      • She’s a “husband-stealer” and I would never want her in my circle of anything. For all those ladies going along with her, they had better watch their backs… or maybe they’re just like her.

        • Oh, I think a lot of slut support group stuff goes on. Watched a friend very gradually give up on every single thing she used to stand for, have an affair, get caught, blow the family, move in with her AP, and basically eff up the lives of everyone she supposedly loved. It began with lots and lots of drinking with divorced girlfriends. That’s one of the first boundaries cheaters always seem to cross: talking the spouse down, and generally starting to make a scapegoat of the spouse. Does not take long at all for the notion that replacing the spouse, source of ALL THE BAD THING EVER TO EXIST IN THE ENTIRE COSMOS, will magically lead to a life of sparkly magazine nirvana. Because cheaters are clever at cheating and self-promotion, but otherwise very shallow wading pools all the way across, it never, ever occurs to them that self-fulfilling prophecies are an actual thing. If you tell yourself every single day that spouse is the problem, and then you start telling other people that, and those other people huggle whuggle and confirm you, and not one true friend is ever allowed close enough to see what’s up and say, as good friends do, “What in the actual fuck are you doing there, buddy?”, then you’re going to have a problem. Often, quite a few people are at somehow complicit in the cheating. It’s awfully easy for people to tell themselves that it’s none of their business, or automatically buy in to the “always two sides” deal. The tacit support is corrosive, but the open approval of pursuing some vague happiness no matter the cost is even worse. I wish more people understood that a true friend is also a friend of your marriage, and treasures your integrity.

          • Hence, my name. Since I was perpetually going to be cast at the villain to his victim, I was sure as hell going to get a cool villain name for myself.
            Magneto it became.
            Yes, I agree many affairs start with small justifications that become HUGE justifications, small entitlements into big entitlement then kidding yourself into self delusion.
            We, the chumps, just get left in all the apple mash leftovers of reality. I envy not so much the affair, but how tempting it is to flee into self delusion. I have not felt anything like joy nor comfort since this nightmare started almost 3 years ago.

            ..ah, sweet self delusion of “makes me happy”….
            … but the phone is ringing, baby is crying and the dog wants a walk.

          • THAT’S the real truth of the matter. The cheater KNOWS it’s wrong (even if they don’t care) and they would NEVER admit to a friend or family member or whatever that they WANT to cheat because if they did then the friend etc would say DON’T DO THAT! And try to convince them to either stop & go back to spouse before it’s too late or divorce. But there’s no fun or cake in that method so they “suffer” all alone and lie and cover it up because they don’t want a reason to stop.

            STBX has tried to convince me that the whoremat was his friend all along. That’s why she inserted herself into my marriage. And tried to tell my STBX to “fix things with your wife” (too bad he wasn’t telling ME that we were broken!) and that she “understood” his pain (because a loving devoted wife is the same as an alcoholic that hits you and steals your savings and cheats on you) and then when she told him that the love that was Too Great To Be Stopped should come to an end she invited him over to “talk about it” and said “I love you too much!” And opened her legs. Wait. Tell me again how this was “helping” anyone but the whoremat suck in a new dad for her abandoned child. Yep. She is a FRIEND. Makes you wonder how she treats her enemies. What REALLY blew my mind in all of the lies and mind games that the whoremat and my STBX played on themselves with the justifications and why they were the sad misunderstood victims of the situation is that she is supposedly a chump too. If she had ACTUALLY been chumped and walked in on her ex IN THE ACT like she supposedly did wouldn’t the very IDEA of helping someone cheat on their unsuspecting wife make her feel DISGUSTING?! Because if I EVER got wind ANY man I had even a passing interest in (in the future) was a cheater I’d tell him off SO FAST and GTFO of there!

    • I looked at the comments on the FB article post. While most people were fuming mad, I was so surprised by the number of women saying things like, “Everyone makes mistakes” and “Who are you perfect people to judge others”.

      I was floored. One does not have to be ‘perfect’ to not cheat. It is okay to judge ridiculous behavior.

      They didn’t care two shits if they gave someone as STD or broke up a family or anything else. The OW really do feel like what they are doing is okay as long as they are happy. They are just as terrible as the cheater.

      • People that are supportive have no frame of reference on the destruction.
        We come here because chump nation can relate to our pain….we find people here who get it.
        Those that commented on the FB thing or people that were giving support at Magento’s meeting are those people that think in very one dimensional ways…..he/ she wasn’t happy and he/ she left.
        No, he/ she is a sociopath and devastated 3 people. Left me and our kids questioning everything we thought we knew, just walked out on 2 decades together and left me to figure out how to heal myself, pay everything, support the kids, take on everything involved with our home, broke up a family.
        I wonder how the one dimensional’s would feel if they were married one day and left the next. They know not of what they speak…
        Ignore that shit.

        • People have no clue unless you have gone through this. Daughter was at something her dad was at and people are why are you not talking to him? I said you cannot explain it to people. Now if you say narcissist – some will get that. But not worth it. I said don’t bother explaining. We KNOW the truth – who he is and what he has done.

    • This is the OW in my life. She wanted my life. She told people that. She has zero guilt whatsoever. She wants my kids out of my STBX life. They are a threat

  • On the “bonus” for point #2, the argument that “[…] you’ll take that with you into your current relationship or future one […]” seemed like the perfect set up mention the joy and wonder of sharing STDs.

  • I was told by X how horrible I was for judging him as “we all sin”. My thought is, not all sins are equal. It’s not that black and white. Adultery, coveting your neighbors wife, lying, stealing and bearing false witness are in the big ten. But how nice you can justify your shit by saying everyone sins.

  • Funny enough – I was also the BEST SEX OF HIS LIFE. After he was found out, he told me he missed those days when we used to FUCK LIKE ANIMALS. And guess what – he cheated not because I wouldn’t put out – trust me I was literally begging him to have sex with me. He was the one who needed to “sort out his issues”, wouldn’t have sex with me (we went through 6 month dry spells twice imposed by him because he needed to sort himself out while screwing his AP on the side).

    And when I found out, I found text messages from his AP calling me FAT DUMB AND UGLY because I never suspected anything. I never suspected anything because of this thing called TRUST bitch! I didn’t want to snoop on my husband because I didn’t think we should be snooping on each other in a marriage and that I should be able to trust him. Also I was busy working a full time job, commuting and being a mom to our baby!

    But guess what – as soon as I found out, I dropped him like a hot potato. I was in my lawyer’s office a week after I found out armed with documents and filed soon after. Because you can be unemployed, or making less money than me, or be unresponsible with the bills, or not show up for me and the baby – but cheating and lying to me is the LAST STRAW baby….

    Onward and forward to GAINING A LIFE!

  • Yawn. Another self serving article written by a cheater. Are they all written by the same person…or do they copy each other? We see the same themes over and over…Its All About Me…Its Not My Fault…If It Feels Good To Me Then Its All Worth It…I Am Exceptional….Spouse And Kids? They Need To Get Over It Because It Was Worth It To Me………………………..Weve read it before. The shallowness is universal. Retch.

  • 12 lessons she learned from cheating = I’m an entitled asshole.
    2 lessons I learned from cheater = trust that they suck. Leave a cheater gain a life.

  • OMFG.

    My UBT is pretty robust… However this letter? It is mind blowing ridiculous that my head is about to explode.

    All I can do is shake my head and say “you have GOT to be KIDDING”‘

  • The mind blowing sex thing really hurt, for a long time, and like this article, can cause a little mini trigger of hurt even though I am pretty much a permanent resident of the state of meh.

    The humiliation of this disrespect and betrayal wipes out so much sense of self. I use to love this part of our marriage and how we expressed ourselves. This was not a sex deprived man, not even during small children.

    So the knowledge that his adulterous sex was completely mind blowing really, really hurt. Not only did I feel ugly and dirty to be cheated on, but I wasn’t even sexy enough either even in my open enjoyment. Ugh. It robs you of so much.

  • That letter is just more BS justifications from a cheater who knows it’s wrong, but don’t be harsh and judgey! I’m NOT “judging” anyone, that’s not my job. My ONLY job is to rid myself of the OBVIOUSLY selfish, self-deluded, immoral, heartless bitch that has no problem believing a lying, deceitful, conniving cheater and is okay with torturing me! I’ll leave the rest of your exploits and excuses to a “higher power!” I’m certain that they won’t buy your brand of BS either! It makes me want to lose my breakfast!

  • Man these pieces of writing depress me. Humans are very good at rationalizing terribly selfish behavior, and I have moments thinking our culture is doomed with all of these narcissists slithering around.

  • This could have been written by my cheater… except the part about getting caught.

    Which raises the question:

    Why is it that cheaters all seem to work out of the same playbook? Their excuses and “reasoning” all sound the same!

    Yet we chumps get blindsided and make fools out of ourselves to change who we are in order to “save our marriage” before we can admit to seeing the glaring signs of cheating. There’s no playbook for us, I guess. (Don’t get me wrong… This whole Chump Lady experience is awesome, but I could have used this wisdom and perspective last year when I felt ugly, worthless, and rejected.)

  • Did she know it in her gut? I’m not sure. You can shut off your instincts if you want to. But lying to yourself about your relationship will catch up to both of you.

    It’s okay to cheat on the dumb. If they believe the lies you tell them? And ignore their gut? That’s on THEM.

    Let’s also remind our (chumpy) selves that the cheaters have been lying, obfuscating, gaslighting, blameshifting, and FOGing the hell out of their chumps for years. Day-in / day-out the narcs have chipped-away the chumps gut instincts and intuition so that we no longer trust our guts. Black is white. The sky is green. Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?

    So here’s how the conversation went (and goes) when chumps asked their lying cheater about the passcode-locked phones: “Why do you need to see my phone? I have a passcode because I don’t want the kids playing with it. Everyone locks their phone anyways. Don’t you trust me?! You’re not being logical. What’s wrong with you?! I don’t demand to know who you’re texting every fucking second of every fucking day!! Are you’re accusing me of cheating?! I’m your wife. What about all YOUR texting, huh?! Who are YOU texting at all hours of the day and night?! How can I trust that YOU’RE not cheating?!

    • Yes the classic distraction tool. When I found over 1000 text messages to ow per month on our phone records, X went batshit crazy about my snooping, invading his privacy etc. I could only laugh.

    • The attack will often take the form of focusing on ridiculing the person who attempts to hold the offender accountable. The attack will also likely focus on ad hominem instead of intellectual/evidential issues. Finally, I propose that the offender rapidly creates the impression that the abuser is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is the offender. Figure and ground are completely reversed. The more the offender is held accountable, the more wronged the offender claims to be.”

      https://www.avoiceformen.com/women/darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/

      • Sorry, I meant to put an open quote at the beginning of the post above. The text was copied and pasted from the link provided.

  • Oh this makes me so angry. I got to be the one to be told from the OW that he did love me anymore. To go to school and improve myself because that is what she did when her husband left her. My ex was a guy that thought sex should be like a porno. I guess she did it all. Even though he said they never did it because she wanted him to be separated first. Well he did and then went to china to get it. It makes me sick. I was told I was his everything in bed. Bullshit!!! He took away every once of my self esteem and she just rubbed it in that I was a loser because I cleaned houses and was a sthm. These women think they are a gift from god and they are the everything. Believing that they never loved their wives is crap. I am so tired of hearing they were unhappy. They were awesome actors if that was true. That women is a scrub and if I ever meet one they better watch out. I am so tired of the hurt and they get none of it. They watch their prey go through it and think sex cures all. Anyone can be them but the ones with morals and values have to suffer. No one should ever have to endure this pain and then read there is two sides to the story. It only took one side for her to jump,him. It’s sickening.

    • Imagine this low class advice purveyor had a teenage daughter. Do you imagine the wisdom she expects us all to thank her for sharing is what she would want her young daughter to know heading out into the world? That “the best sex and happiness” can be found with a married man and you need feel no shame in ruining another family and your own soul for fulfillment. The more hours today’s post sits in my brain, the more ill I feel. I agree with Tempest … I weep for humanity.

  • This loser writer just doesn’t get honesty and integrity, not my job to try and teach these losers. Skankboy never said he was unhappy in our “relationship.” He sure seemed happy in bed, in my paying half the bills, doing most of the housework,taking care of his mother, ALL of the cooking…..he sure was smiling ear to ear when he was eating 5 course homemade meals. OH, but let me share how unhappy he is with his puttana AP that he lives with now. I’m wondering if she would love to read the Email he sends to me saying, “I’m not that happy at all, but I try to make the best of it.” I’m sure that will warm her heart! I’m sure that will give her a “mind-blowing” orgasm!

    • 80/20 you were 80% of his “happiness” and the ho bag was 20%. Of course he isn’t happy. How can 20% ever compare to 80%?! It can’t! What an idiot! Not that it’s your problem!

  • Sounds like this cheater fell for every pathetic, cliched lie the cheater partner ever told. All I have to remember is that cheating is a reflection of character, and I’d rather not have cheaters in my life, no matter what excuses they might make to me or to themselves. They are emotionally stunted and should consign themselves to a life of mutually agreed upon one-night stands with other sociopaths.

  • My ex really condensed all his reasons for his affair into one simple sentence:

    “I just saw something different.”

    I believe this was the truth. Pretty simple.

    Of course, you have to be looking for something different to see it.

  • Denial and self-justification are great tools for those who want to convince themselves it is alright to do what common sense says is not alright. Why do these folks think they either 1) need to, or 2) will be able to, convince others that their desires and feelings are more important than the rest of the population of the world?

    I watched an old time Western the other day (mainly because I like to look at and listen to Sam Elliot. If lusting and fantasizing after a movie star is bad, I plead guilty.) Old Sam told another cowboy that when you sign on with a rancher, you do the work expected of you, and you defend his property, because you have AGREED to, and you are accepting his wages. If you don’t want to do so, you should leave and go to work for another rancher. You don’t look the other way while a competing ranch hand steals his cattle, because that is the wrong thing to do. The other hand argued that the thieves would kill him if he did not go along. Elliot disagreed. He said, simply, you can leave.

    Strangely enough, this is what CL tells us to do when we find we are living with a cheater. Leave. If you are in a “relationship” and the vows are not being honored, leave. You don’t pretend that the disrespect or the lies are ok. You don’t wait for the OW/OM to beat you up. You don’t allow your partner to pretend to uphold the agreement, and accept the benefits without doing the work. You don’t rationalize by saying the chump partner must know about the cheaters, and that makes it somehow, alright. You don’t pretend you are doing the chump a favor by somehow improving the chumps sex life. If you stay under false pretenses, you are doing the wrong thing. Sorry if that is too judgmental. There may be some titillation involved in taking dangerous chances, but that doesn’t ever justify the danger, or the lies. It is just that simple.

    • Portia, as usual you are a voice of reason, “If you are in a “relationship” and the vows are not being honored, leave. You don’t pretend that the disrespect or the lies are ok.” I bought the lies that many of the married friends and coworkers kept, that some people make mistakes, that you should fight for your marriage, that you shouldn’t let the OW/OM “win”. What the hell was the prize: a cheating, foul creature that had only his/her best interests in mind. My prize was to be made less of by a womanizing POS. No amount of love or commitment was going to sway POS to my “side”, to the side of the “relationship” and all that that entailed. I should have ran away, like my hair was on fire, but I mistakenly thought that “I had something” to work with, and he sure ended up being a “thing”, a shark in human clothing.
      If I could go back, I would tell myself that you have nothing to lose, because x is nothing, just an empty black hole that sucks all the good out of his victims, wife and children, until he finds his “deserved happiness” at all costs.

      • I really want Chumplady to do a “what did she win column”. Once we take a good hard look at our cheaters we realize we have lost nothing worth having.

  • Things I learned from being cheated on.
    1. Shouldn’t drink port, ever. Drank port, hooked up with guy, married guy, made a life, watched life go up in flames. I blame the port.
    2. I married a low level psychopath. He’s not going to murder anyone, but he just doesn’t care much about anything or anyone
    3. I’m very hard to kill, even when I’m the one trying. Also, the staff in ICU are really really nice.
    4.he’s a BORING psychopath, especially when he’s saying the same things he was saying five years ago, about yet another failed Twu Wuv.
    5. I’m really lucky that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life married to a boring man who is only interested in Batman’s character development and not his own.Batman has enough money to afford a good therapist and antidepressants. I don’t care about his tragic past.
    I’ll have a think, but I’m sure there are at least seven more.

    • Moominmamma, I’m very glad for #3. The world needs fewer cheaters, but more, way more chumps. We don’t want to lose any of our ‘tribe’.

  • Holy shit! *I* shower at the gym, use device passwords, and sometimes stay late at work!! — Without this article, I never would have known that *I AM A CHEATER!!!** I mean, I haven’t had sex in nearly two years… but, still, I must be a cheater, right? Because I shower and use passwords? — Now then, where’s that mind-blowing sex they’re talking about?

    • NWB, I see that you are cheating yourself, your glorious self, out of a chance to find twu luv, “deserved” happiness. Girl, go out there and find some slimy (I mean deep, “caring”) cheating partner, that you can have “mind-blowing sex” with, your “deserve” it with all the hell that you’ve been put through. lololol

  • “Four Lessons I Learned from Punching Random Strangers in the Face”

    1. People Who Judge You For Punching a Random Stranger in the Face Have Never Punched a Random Stranger in the Face. — I mean, there’s a lot of grey area here. Who hasn’t reached out and touched a stranger at a bus stop to ask them the time? Or jostled someone who’s blocking the grocery aisle? What is a “punch,” really, except a really really hard direct “jostle”? — And if you’ve never felt your fist crumple into someone’s cheek, the sheer delight of it? Well, then you just don’t know how good it can feel. Don’t judge me.

    2. Punching a Stranger in the Face is the Best Feeling of Your Life! — Really, it’s such a rush! The look of surprise as they realize, yes, you really ARE going to punch them! The sound of flesh on impact! The feel of it! Even the sting of your knuckles afterward just reminds you how amazing it was! — And remember, you can take everything you learn to your own personal relationship, to take it to that next new level! If you think punching a stranger is cool, wait til you see the look on your partner’s face as you come at them! Be sure to add insult to injury (literally!) by telling them you’ve been practicing on random strangers!

    But remember,
    3. Punching Has Its Risks! — No, no, never mind that whole “Do unto others” thing, or the expectations of participating in a civilized society! No, I mean getting caught! If you aren’t careful, you might punch a stranger in a location where there’s a hidden camera or, worse, an actual policeman! So don’t get sloppy and be sure to confine your Punching to Random Strangers who are in hidden locations so you can get away scot-free.

    And, finally,
    4. The Punchees are Really Asking For It — I mean, really, in this day and age, who honestly expects to walk down the street unmolested? We all read the papers and social media, and this isn’t rape or murder we’re talking about; just a little harmless punching! Surely, when that guy got out of bed this morning, he had to have thought to himself, “Boy, the world is sure getting dangerous. And that one streetlight is out about midway down the block. I bet I get punched in the face today by a random stranger.” Really, in a lot of ways, he knew it might happen. And you know, maybe he even liked it a little (though he’d never admit that to himself, of course). And who is he to deny me feeling so good from punching him in the face? Nobody, that’s who.

    Remember, Punchers, if it feels good to you, then do it! Never mind the risks to other people. They have it coming, and what is always the most important thing in this world is your own happiness! Never forget that!

  • Wow. Just another ordinary boring cheater. Yawn. Nothing original. Nothing special.

    But another outstanding job on the UBT! ?

    • They are actually SO boring and predictable when you think about it. If only we understood that when first we got slapped in the face with their infidelity.

      Lesson learned.

  • RSW, don’t sweat the “super catholic (lower case “c” is intentional) church lady”, I’m pretty sure that God has a special place for the ones that use their religion to make f*ed up things ok somehow. And you don’t have to see the outcome to be consoled. I’m Catholic and I am really sad to see the “ultra” catholic messing with my religion.
    You are a really strong person RSW, you keep on going. You are bad ass and no one can take that away from you. You will get through this because God sees your struggles and He will help you. Unfortunately, the God that I want to do things, in my time frame, is not the God that I have, so I have to be patient. The millstones grind, but they grind slowly and they grind very fine.

  • The Limited was a serial cheater. The lessons I learned from the OW were as follows:

    1. They were never special.
    2. They were all needy.
    3. It was never about intamacy.
    4. They knew he was lying and didn’t care.
    5. They too were disordered.
    6. They couldn’t be alone.
    7. They had a history of sleeping with married men.
    8. They faked orgasms.
    9. They wanted someone to support them financially.
    10. They lacked morals.
    11. All were cheaters also.
    12. They didn’t use protection.
    13. They slept with him immediately.
    14. They believed they were a dream girl.

  • I couldn’t even finish reading this, it made me nauseous!! Yes- sloppiness. My STBX- just found out after breaking up with the Whore-able other woman that she ran out of birth control pills and is now pregnant. My husband’s greatest fear in life is having a kid. This article just highlights how unremorseful and fucked up these cheating assholes are in life.

      • Well I sign my divorce papers tomorrow after a year of battling with him! On Valentine’s Day- which makes me laugh!! I don’t plan on having any contact with him. The only reason I know about the baby is one of my closest friends, actually sat next to the other woman in a nail salon. She didn’t even know who this woman was, but as she began to tell her story my friend realized it was the bat shit crazy slut. The OW was telling a manicurist how she ran out of birth control and her boyfriend broke up with her two weeks ago but she just found out she was pregnant. The crazy woman said a lot more, which allowed my friend to confirm it was the woman who had been cheating with my husband. I actually was able to break the news to him via text, it was such wonderful justice. But it’s crazy after 12 years together and 7 years of marriage, how someone can become a complete stranger and have a totally different life. Oh well! Onward and upward! The best valentines gift I could get this year, Is getting rid of his cheating, manipulative, lying ass. Talk about the greatest kind of love you can give yourself!!

  • Oh FFS, do you really believe this “Parker Barker” person actually exists?! That Mad Mommy Place or what ever it’s called sounds more and more like an All Inclusive “Troll Hole Haven.” But thanks for warning me where (yet MORE?) Stupid Cupid-ity resides in cyberspace. Apparently that’s the place where ya go to crowdsource turd flinging monkeys and other assorted and sordid knuckle draggers.

    I’m too old, too jaded and too well informed to not know about the proliferation of “Fake News.” But of course it’s sort of entertaining, why else would anyone read it? But believe it? Um, no.
    So if the sex was that hawt, how come you didn’t spontaneously combust? Could have done every chump in the universe a favor by giving them a Heads Up to increase the coverage on your Accidental Death/Other Misadventure benefits substantially instead of having to create a Go Fund Me so I can stop standing on street corners waiting for my lottery number to get lucky because you got fucky with something that has the IQ of a slime mold. And the same consistency. Dogs stick together longer than you two did after fornication. But then again, most dogs have a dick they DIY lick too: Why wasn’t that good enough for you? What, you think I didn’t notice your breath? Or your AP’s? A two-fer. A buy one, get one for nothing-which is exactly what their vows were worth.
    I hope “Parker” the Pied Piper of STDs and this transparent adolescent fantasy ode to scum-dumb partners has a pay check as bereft as their imagination: Nope, no points for Original Timing or Score.

    • AAAAAAA! OH NOOOOOO! I did not hit “Post Comment!” I would never be THIS STOOPID!
      This incompetent! This this this…Is there one of those emoji thingies that has an old red faced mouth breathing/gaping idiot faced widow complete with a scarlet letter “S” for “Shame” stamped on her forehead? I can’t even claim inebriation. I can’t claim an unexpected case of techno-incompetence because that comes as a part of age and the post-TIA standard package. Where the hell is the aphasia when I really, really needed it-like the second I even thought of playing around with typing a response that “hehehe, I’d never post THAT!” Oh but I did. I really apologize. The sentiment was OK I guess but the verbiage (and the noun-age) was a bit, well, not ladylike. Or even “like.” That’s ah, pretty bad.
      Sorry, guys. Sorry, CL. I’m not publically this profane. Usually. Outside of the inside of my brain.
      I’m wearing my brain inside out apparently. Now imma creep back to lurk-dumb. At least for a little bit. I do not belong among such august company, such creative minds, such-well, OK. I’m good at providing tissues (or toilet paper if I forgot to pick some up) and libations of one’s choice and food, snacks, treats, I listen without interrupting-will that do? Tears and rage and “hate speech” are welcome! And absolutely appropriate. None of this PC stuff! There was nothing Positively Creative in their clandestine copulation. No excuses for this shit are acceptable and excuses madquerading as “reasons” are exactly that-NONE-can right the reality they are moral morons. When they said-if they even did-“It’s not you-” believe ’em. That’s the only honest muttering from their murderous black hearts.

      I read here a lot.You all are much more worthy than the idiots who chumped you. They are the classless, the crassness, the most despicable excuses for human beings evah. Full Stop. I know it’s shocking and awful and scary and mean and just plain earth shattering. While you were rockin your integrity they were rockin’ their Instant Messenger and rollin’ with some slore. (Slut+Whore). The sleeze scale exists and thine eyes have seen the gory of the cumming of the war. Don’t back down, just please back away: Right to a divorce shark and git ‘er done: If they’re really serious about repairing the relationship, divorce decrees don’t preclude in any way their on-going efforts to achieve this end. The Pick Me Dance can and is regularly done without nuptial niceties, remember? So, there’s a solid gold measure of their sincerity. Unless the divorce involved an RO in which case restoration efforts are known as Stalking and Stalking is not what anyone but very disturbed people do. You don’t need that OR them.

      As you’re working your way back to some reassembly of self, I’ll mop up the blood later, OK? And I am sorry for my offensiveness.

  • Stuff like this is just spin-doctoring. Trying to turn it into some intellectual exercise about “life lessons” and whatever supposedly deep and meaningful crap rather than admit they’re lacking in conscience. They can spin it however they want, use whatever excuses they want. Underneath it all, they just don’t care who gets hurt as long as they get theirs. That list only needed to have one entry: It’s all about me (aka the narc code of conduct).

    • Lacking in conscience for real. Spinning, contradictions, lame excuses ….. No matter who gets hurt. Yep Our daughter has suffered quite a bit. He said he was sorry to her – what else does she want from him, he said?

      The latest is our friends we went vacationing with over the last 14 years – the wife texted me this weekend that she found naked pictures of my STBX’s 23 y.o. girlfriend on her hubby’s comptuer. My STBX posted some naked pictures of OW on his ipad picture stream when I made him mad about 6 months ago. He left his ipad here when he left. OW is obviously posing for these pictures. I wonder if it’s the same pictures.

      Immediately I thought to myself, “Well, your 50 year old married boyfriend will be sharing these pics with his friends and brother ….” I guess the friend just got caught.

      I wondered to a couple people if we should tell OW. They both said no. She doesn’t deserve our kindness. Besides, skankboy (I love that term I heard used here!) would only get mad at me and we know how vindictive he is.

      It’s disgusting that our daughter has to watch her grown male father acting like such an idiot. She talks about how the boys in middle school are so immature and gross. And now she has an immature and gross father.

      • The horrible role model part of all this is really awful. Just that should be reason enough for cheaters to not cheat, but it doesn’t even phase them. Sure, some lame “sorry” is going to fix everything right up. Mine hasn’t even said he was sorry to my daughter, but it wouldn’t mean anything if he did, so it doesn’t really matter. She’s totally lost all respect for him. He’s been out of the house for awhile now, but tried being “fatherly” and lecturing her about stuff a few times when he was still here. My daughter more or less laughed in his face. One time he tried getting bitchy with her over something stupid like he was always doing with me for the last couple years we were together. My daughter had been out an an event all day, walking around the entire time, she was tired and just wanted to come home and relax, he tried to start up with “you need to blah blah blah,” and I didn’t even have time to say anything. My daughter snapped back at him so fast and so harshly I thought, “Good lord, this is gonna get ugly.” I’d moved to go intervene before it turned into WWIII, but that time, for once, he had sense enough to leave it alone.

        So many parents think kids will blindly forgive them anything. Nope. Doesn’t always work that way. Plenty of kids understand all too well that they’re essentially getting tossed aside along with the cheated-on spouse, and they decide they aren’t going to play nice about it.

        All the stuff with the naked pictures…I don’t even know what to say to that. It is just immature and gross. At least boys your daughter goes to school with have the excuse of being at the age where they are immature. Thinking about this, I’m realizing that some of my daughter’s male friends (she’s 18) are way more mature and less gross than her dad.

        Of course it’s good that those guys have some sense, but it’s still really sad for a teenage or early 20’s boy to be more of a man than a guy more than old enough to be their father.

  • Guess who got a Happy Valentine’s Day with a heart text this morning? Seriously? I want to forward it to his girlfriend.

  • “Louis C.K., father of two daughters, who came out of the other side of his divorce extremely happy. He points out, “Divorce is always good news […] because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.””

    Louis CK also brags about how as soon as he got divorced he got to start fucking much younger women and how great it is he can live his life without his kids taking up all his time anymore. These are his “jokes”. He’s a total narc piece of shit. Also, I watched one of his comedy specials and he committed the ultimate comedian crime – it wasn’t funny. Zero laughs from me.

  • This is incredible…

    I’ve been coming here and commenting for 2+ years, and this is the first time that I couldn’t get through a UBT, because the original article is just too disordered. I just couldn’t finish it. Whatever happened to people just owning heir own shit, realizing that they have hurt other people, and trying to make amends? Instead we get published articles of mindfuckery trying to justify heinous shit like cheating. My god, these people deserve all of the ridicule and karma that they have coming to them.

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