Yawn. Another article in which a cheater tells us the cheating was worth it because of the Valuable Life Lessons They Learned. Our UBT fodder for today comes from Scary Mommy as “12 Lessons I Learned from Cheating,” by Parker Barrett.
It’s simply too long to UBT the whole mess, so for the purposes of satire and brevity, I’m skipping the pre-amble and doing some of the lessons today and more on Wednesday. (You’ve got until NOON today EST to get me your Valentine’s poetry!)
Without further ado, the Universal Bullshit Translator…
here are some basic rules, both good and bad, that always apply.
ALWAYS? What are these, laws of physics?
I know it may be hard, but try to set all judgment aside (see No. 1 below) and look at some of the practical lessons I learned:
The UBT always (always!) loves it when cheaters PUBLISH things PUBLICLY and then demand that no one judges them. Behold! They have wisdom to impart!
If you’re going to be, or have been, an asshole, isn’t that something best kept to yourself? The UBT thinks the segment of cheaters who are actually sorry would not in fact publish self-serving treatises demanding total acceptance of their bullshit.
1. People Who Judge You for Cheating Have Never Cheated
My ego wants to say, “If you haven’t done it, don’t judge it,” but the fact is, I totally get it. Once upon a time, I thought I understood the rules of relationships. Eventually, some of my friends in committed relationships were unfaithful to their partners (often partners I had grown to love like my friends). When my friends shared their experiences with me, I saw that cheating—like relationships—has a good deal of gray area, and through that, I learned that life does too. There are two sides to every story.
If you haven’t committed incest, don’t judge it! If you haven’t stolen money from the collection plate, don’t judge it! If you haven’t bullied a few gay kids in your life, don’t judge it! You don’t know the secret pleasures of stuffy sissy boys in lockers. Suffocating ones victims has a good deal of gray area, and so does life itself. There are two sides to every story! You could ask the pansy yourself, but as he’s stuffed in a locker, he is unavailable for comment.
2. Yes, It’s the Best Sex of Your Life (But There’s a Twist)
Or, better said, it’ll seem like the best sex of your life at the time. Everyone says it’s the illicit rendezvous, the secrets, the newness that make the sex so amazing, and to a degree, that’s true. But that fades over time. What made the sex truly hot for me was the exploration and connection I found with my lover, both of us freed from inhibition. And that was golden, because it made me grow sexually. Here’s another bonus: You’ll take that with you into your current relationship or future one, making the sex, and your satisfaction, even better.
The UBT is certain that your ex, for whom you later profess such regret for cheating on, is simply thrilled to learn that cheating on him made you “grow sexually.” (Maturity and integrity-wise? Not so much.) What conveys your remorse better than a published article announcing The Best Sex of Your Life?
Lov-ahs! Freed from inhibition! Sex so amazing it’s cut off blood flow to your brain and made you unable to form original sentences! Must…. talk… in… cliches!
What made the sex totally hot for you was your sociopathy.
3. Mind-Blowing Sex Has Risks
Doing things you never knew you could (or never even knew existed) is enough reason to justify just about anything … in the moment. Yes, even the possible destruction of a marriage or family—because in the throes of passion that’s the furthest thing from your mind. But that lapse in judgment usually leads to sloppiness—leaving sexts on your phone that your wife finds or skipping birth control and getting knocked up, all of which often has one huge repercussion: getting caught. My affair, long ended, stayed a secret, but most don’t. So if you’re going to play the game, accept that you’re probably going to get caught, and it could very likely be the end of your relationship, or cause long-term alienation from your family. If that happens, I guarantee those mind-blowing orgasms will probably not feel like they were worth it.
But as I didn’t get caught (because I’m special like that), it was worth it.
The risks here are sloppiness and what people might think of you. (Don’t judge!) Breaking your partner’s heart and destroying children’s intact family? Their pain? Bitch, please.
The One Huge Repercussion? “Getting caught.”
4. A Cheating Spouse Is a Liar, But Their Spouse May Be Lying to Themselves, Too
If you and your partner don’t have sex anymore (sex drives don’t just disappear forever!), if your spouse becomes distant or starts working late or going out with new friends a lot, these are telltale signs of cheating. So is coming home showered from the gym or starting to use device passwords. I’m convinced my lover’s wife didn’t want to know he was having an affair, because he was guilty of many of the signs above. Did she know it in her gut? I’m not sure. You can shut off your instincts if you want to. But lying to yourself about your relationship will catch up to both of you. And sooner or later, one of you needs to find the courage to admit it so you can confront your problems, and ideally fix them. Your gut will thank you. It’s one of your best friends.
It’s okay to cheat on the dumb. If they believe the lies you tell them? And ignore their gut? That’s on THEM.
The lying you’re doing to yourself — what you chumps call “trust” — is totally equivalent to my cheating.
5. There’s Always Another Side to Your Lover’s (Crap) Marriage
Lying in each other’s arms, my lover and I shared stories about our relationships. This is what I heard him say about his marriage: “We’ve been unhappy for so long.” “We have no sex life anymore.” “All she does is argue with me.” No one was telling the other side of the story about what was still good about the relationship—what he still loved about his wife, how they were still deeply connected (which, P.S., is why your lover isn’t going to leave them no matter what they say otherwise). And God knows what his wife’s side of the story was. Maybe he enjoyed pushing her buttons more than she pushed his. But looking back, I realize if my lover had admitted the good stuff, it would’ve put the kibosh on the affair, because he needed to justify his actions—and I liked being his salvation. Letting him omit also allowed me to keep lying to myself. (And dreaming that he’d leave her for me.)
I got thrown under the bus. But that’s ZERO reflection on me! It’s because men NEVER leave their wives for the Other Woman. Even for the best sex in their lives and the super duper amazing connection they’ve never felt before!
It must be that Stupid Chump has some good qualities. I could never be played for cake. No sir. I am not a side-dish fuck. I’m a deeply introspective person who has learned twelve lessons.
6. Be Brave When It’s Time to End Your Relationship
For those of you whose relationship really is over, who really don’t have any positive, loving connection left with your spouse, it may be time to grow some fucking cojones and own up. “But we have kids …” “But he’ll be devastated …” Those are the reasons most unhappy couples stay together longer than they probably should. They’re totally good reasons. I believe your happiness is the foundation of your life. If you’re parents, no one can teach your kids how to be happy better than you can—and no one can see how unhappy you are better than they can. Will there be fallout? Most definitely, but it won’t last forever. If you need inspiration, listen to comedian Louis C.K., father of two daughters, who came out of the other side of his divorce extremely happy. He points out, “Divorce is always good news […] because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”
Be brave when it’s time to end your relationship… for the Other Woman. Find your fucking balls, man. LEAVE YOUR WIFE! “But we have kids…” CHILDREN ARE RESILIENT! Sure, there will be fallout, but it won’t last forever. You can teach them how to be happy! By being happy yourself, see? All that happiness will just slop over on to them!
I WAS THE BEST SEX YOU EVER HAD! You told me that! Remember that stolen night at the Motel 6 when you stared into my eyes and said “Happiness is the foundation of my life”? And I knew then that you meant ME! I was your happiness. But I guess you’d rather be tied to some drudge who believes your lies. Who suffocates your soul. And thwarts your true potential. But that’s FINE. Whatever, DESTROY MY HAPPINESS! Go back to your wife.
I don’t judge.