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You Get Over It – A Chump Story

Today’s column is a guest post from Rarity — who left a cheater, and gained a life. Enjoy! — Tracy

My husband effectively abandoned me for another woman when I was pregnant with our second. Our 7-year-old was disabled (22q deletion syndrome) and I was trying to finish a master’s degree. I hadn’t worked full-time since the year our daughter was born. I found myself putting my degree on hold and returning to full-time work (a $12/hr temp job with no benefits) at 7 months pregnant. I worked until 2 days past my due date, and I cried all the time. When I had my baby, the hospital staff wrote all over my records, “husband is unsupportive.”

Fast forward to a year later. Different woman whom my husband claimed he had broken up with and gone no-contact with. We’re separated but (for whatever reason) I’m trying to save the marriage. Labor Day, I checked his phone. He was at the OW’s place “ravaging” [1] her the night before. They never went no-contact or stopped seeing each other. I was a sobbing, heaving, lactating mess crumpled on my bedroom floor. My husband left, put on a suit, and took the OW out to a glamorous formal night on the town, then posted pictures all over Facebook the next day. That’s how not-sorry he was. It felt like my pain was unending.

I found Chump Lady’s Web site a few days later (from Googling “how to get revenge on a cheater,” which seems funny now). I downloaded the first version of her book and read it in less than a day. Slowly, and with a lot of mistakes along the way, I began to implement her method. I wrote in to her and got some much-needed advice at one point. My divorce was final about two months after D-Day.

It’s been 2.5 years. Since D-Day I have:

  • Written and finished my master’s thesis
  • Gotten the septorhinoplasty that I’d been wanting since junior high so I no longer look like the love child of Barbara Streisand and Adrien Brody
  • Finished my master’s degree
  • Attended an all-expenses-paid theology seminar in California
  • Started and finished a professional certificate at the local community college
  • Published political op-eds in a well-known newspaper
  • Been promoted at work
  • Paid off my nose (now they can’t repossess it!)
  • Submitted a scholarly article for publication
  • Begun teaching Sunday school at my church, another thing that I’ve wanted to do since my teens, but never have.

I’ve been dating a soft-spoken, emotionally sensitive man for about a year now, someone who goes to church with me, supports my life goals, has a solid career, and treats me well. He’s moving from Minneapolis to Chicago to be with me next month.

I also found out in October of last year that I don’t have one disabled child; I have two. The son I was pregnant with when my husband abandoned us was diagnosed with high-functioning autism. I haven’t let it stop me.

My ex-husband’s mistress dumped him before the divorce was even final (and wrote a hilariously narcissistic blog post about it). She married a youth pastor and moved to North Carolina in October of last year; I can’t imagine a life of ministry and service to others is going to go well for her. I was tempted to report her to their senior pastor, but decided I would rather not have her bullshit drama back in my life.

It’s amazing how little I think of my ex-husband. Even though we have two children together, I barely talk to him. He does his visitation (sometimes late), pays his child support (sometimes late), and leaves me alone. I never see “rage” or “charm” anymore, just occasional self-pity. He actually does a decent job of helping out with the kids, taking our son from preschool to ABA autism therapy most weekdays. We’re cordial when we meet face to face. I no longer feel anything when he mentions he’s dating someone else. I’m not angry, I’m not jealous, and I’m not “so happy for them.” I. Just. Don’t. Care. Like in that Gotye song, he’s just “Somebody that I used to know.” He still works a crappy job and has constant trouble with money, has even been arrested for dumb stuff like “driving without insurance,” but so long as he pays his child support relatively on-time, I file it all under: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

So, you want to feel better after being chumped? You need these three things:

(1) To be free of your cheater: divorced and as no-contact as possible.
(2) To fill your life with other things to love, and I don’t necessarily mean a new romance. Read. Write. Travel. Build your career. Volunteer somewhere. Go to church. Go to comic cons. Join a book of the month club. Join (or leave!) a political party. Find something to be passionate about, and start working on it.
(3) TIME.

If you have only one or two of those things but not the other, you’re still going to hurt. But if I can get over it, you can get over it.

I said earlier that I found Chump Lady by Googling “how to get revenge on a cheater.” Here is my revenge: I’ve moved on, I’m happy with my life, and I don’t care anymore whether he’s happy with his.

——————
[1] “Ravaging” was my husband’s choice of word, not mine. He’s Mormon and doesn’t say “fucking” because that would be wrong.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I’m so very glad to read a happy ending to a living nightmare, Rarity. Congratulations and wishing you much continued happiness! You are mighty!!! 🙂

  • Rarity FTW. At parenting, at life. Proving once again: Chumps win when we play the long game.

    WELL DONE!!?

  • Three cheers for Rarity!!!
    She deserves all of her accomplishments and more.

    To those that wonder if they will ever get there – YES YOU WILL…and it is worth every bit of work and pain to get free!

  • You are mighty! I don’t even know you and I’m so proud of you! Your story is very inspiring! And a new nose is on my list while getting a life, too! Ha!

    Congrats on your new life, Rarity! You deserve it!

  • I trust that Rarity will pardon the irony of this response coming from an agnostic, but it’s entirely appropriate:

    “Amen.”

    And that pic is awesome.

    • “Amen” technically just means “Truth!” or “So be it,” so (agnostic or not), you’re good 🙂

      And thanks.

      • Girl, you are awesome!!!! “Like” times one million!!!

        God bless you and your children (my daughter is autistic, I can relate).

        Congratulations to you on your accomplishments!!!
        ((((Hugs))))

        • Rarity – you are SOOoooOOO incredibly awesome! Way to go finishing that master’s. Education is one of the only non-negotiable items during divorce and after; that’s all yours, girl! I am sorry at how horribly you were treated and hurt while pregnant. It just proves what a douchebag he truly is.

          I’m finishing the brilliant work “The Hiding Place” by Corrie ten Boom, and at one point she wrote, “I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do.” She’s so right. That thought has played out in my life, and plays out in so many of the Chumps lives that I read about here, and it’s playing out that way for you, too.

          Keep being the strong, amazing woman and mom that you are. (((Hugs!)))

  • This is basically me at the moment. 30 weeks pregnant now with a 2 year old abandoned at 18 weeks for the OW. I’m so glad to read a post that has a positive outcome. I hope this is me in a couple of years time.

      • Thank you it’s so nice to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have already started moving on by filing for divorce. I hope my story ends up as happy as yours.

        • Keep your chin up and know that I’ve never heard of or met a chump that didn’t have it so much better in time. The only ones that didn’t were the ones that kept taking him/her back. I guarantee you will be very happy again. It will be YOUR life. Be strong.

        • Pregnant Chumps, the light at the end of the tunnel is the little flame the chump as kept burning which burns brighter and brighter as you get away from the cluster f@k of the cheaters and APs’ lives. It also burns brighter as you feed it with your endeavours and your courage, just like Rarity has. I am trying not to swear today, out of respect for you Rarity…You rock!

    • Sorry you have to go through this sh*t storm pregnant – not that anyone wants to go through it any time. You are mighty and don’t ever forget that!

  • Ravaging because fucking would be wrong…. classic cheat vocabulary.
    My Ex in court said to a friend who took a photograph of my personal property being thrown outside on the lawn…”Shame on you”
    Shame….a word I think he doesn’t know the definition of. But a photo….depicting his behavior….exposure of his negative actions.

    Rock on Rarity….

    • I’m a Christian myself and honestly did not say a single swear word from the time I was 12 till the time I was 32. 8 hours of unmedicated labor with my son, 9 lbs 5 oz posterior delivery . . . Didn’t swear at anyone!

      A few days after the Labor Day D-Day, I called him up and cussed him out like a sailor. He was shocked and appalled. “Watch your language!” he blurted out at me.

      “Oh, that’s great, you’re more upset that I’m saying the word ‘fuck’ than you are that you fucked this woman!”

      Cheater morality is really something.

      • Cheater morality is amazing. My X did the same thing–at the one MC appointment that he finally begged for (after I’d said I wanted a divorce for the 5th time), he refused to tell the counselor why we are there. So I said, “He seduced a graduate student for 3 weeks, then fucked her for 3 weeks.”

        In his haughty British accent, he said “I object to that language.” Even in my gut-wrenched state, I found this amusing.

        • Yeah, it’s ok to fuck another woman not your wife, but it isn’t ok to say so.

          I think STBX was shocked when I called him a fucking asshole. I had never called anybody that before in my life. Hadn’t even thought it.

        • I tried to pay a debt that was assigned to me in my divorce today. When I called the company because the debt is in his name the dude says ” I’m sorry, since you aren’t married to ____anymore I can’t release any info on this account.” To which I replied ” oh, I’m not looking for any information from you on _____, I know all I need to know about him.”
          The rep started kinda laughing a bit and said ” I know it’s inconvenient, but since you aren’t married anymore you are a third party”. I got so hysterical…..I about spit out my coffe. I was like ” you said a mouthful there, sweetie. I was a third party that whole marriage.”
          Sometimes we gotta get a laugh or two at how absurd they and the whole situation is.

        • Ahahah mine objected toy calling his gradwhore his “mistress” Now that we’re divorced, I call her his “girltress” watching his face when he learns about this one would almost be worth breaking NC… Nah, Meh is better!

          • “Girltress,” that’s so funny. I called her “Schmoopie,” “mistress” and “whore” (“OWhore” when I wrote about it on CN forums), but I will never dignify that relationship by calling her his “girlfriend.”

            • Rarity, you are awesome! I love your story. Well, the ending anyway. Not the whole part about his obtuse treatment of a wife during what is literally the most vulnerable time in her life and marriage. I find it so sickening that someone could abandon someone pregnant or someone with small babies in tow. It’s perverse. It’s shameful. It depicts a level of cruelty that defies all acceptable social and moral norms. You know how in Japanese culture there is a heightened aspect of honor in business and personal relationships? Sometimes I wish we had there here. These people just walk around shamelessly when they should be sharpening their harakiri sword for bringing shame to their family. Well, figuratively speaking anyway. I am 11 months away from the completion of my bachelor’s degree. D-day for me was 3 years ago, and 2 years ago I started back at school, all online, all done at night when my babies go to sleep. My ex abandoned me when I was a SAHM with a 1 and 2 year old with zero warning for a stripper, and moved over 2,000 miles away to go live with her. I struggle so much with no contact because all of my processing of what he did has happened after the fact. I felt like we were robbed of so much, and I just couldn’t imagine being robbed of my voice to say what I needed to say to him too. I struggle with this daily, especially since the harm is ongoing – $35K in arrears in child support, I have zero help with anything because he’s gone, I can’t work more than part time because I can’t afford the child care. He got a lawyer and took me to court to basically accuse me of choosing to not work more, wanted custody (he’s seen them once in 3 years) to get his support reduced which he’s not paying anyway. And on and on it goes. I can see the offramp to Meh in the far distance, and then BAM. Another outrage, and I’m back to being as furious and wounded as day 1. I emailed him recently and said I wanted half of the $200 I paid so our daughter could go to a 2 day a week preschool. He ignored it. When that needed to be paid again for a new quarter, I couldn’t afford it. So he emailed me as chipper as can be the other day and said ‘Little Man seems to be doing so great in kindergarten! How’s Baby Girl doing in her preschool?’ I wrote back ‘Her preschool ends next week. I couldn’t sign her up for another quarter because her other parent won’t help pay for it.’ No reply. But hey! He’s got a new baby and 2 stepkids who he makes sure have diapers and rent and food. Sigh. I’m just trying to laser focus on getting my degree, getting both kids old enough to be in school, and getting a new career off the ground. In the mean time, I feel so powerless because we have just enough money to survive, and sometimes not even quite enough to do that. I always thought I’d have my kids in sports and gymnastics and now I can’t even stretch the budget to get groceries some weeks. Thank God for the food pantry at my church. Talk about having to swallow your pride. So when I read a story like yours, I just reach deep down and hold on to the hope that that could be our story, too. Thanks for the badly needed inspiration, Rarity!

              • So sorry you’re dealing with this. Is there any way to garnish his wages for child support arrears?

                I admit that the fact that my XH pays CS and does his visitation does make life a little easier for me. However, I think it’s only a matter of time before he quits doing that and I’m trying to get my life to the point where I won’t be hurting too much if I don’t have his CS.

              • Rarity, thanks for your reply! He is constantly traveling outside of the state he lives in for short periods of work. So by the time anyone learns he’s gotten a job, it’s ended and no support can be grabbed. He makes excellent money as a welder on power plants, so he has to travel all over. Which is how he met HomeWrecker, of course (or as I like to affectionately call her, H Dubs).

                Yes, I started back to school because I saw the writing on the wall. I suspected he would eventually go full dirtbag. It’s one thing to suspect that, and it’s another thing to actually witness the father of your children simply stop paying for their living expenses. But if you do anything other than treat him as though he’s an upstanding member of the community worthy of respect, he is flabbergasted at the implication of any wrongdoing. Pathologically committed to the good guy narrative, this one.

                If you suspect that it’s just a matter of time before you ex stops paying, trust that instinct. It’s the universe’s way of telling us to get our ducks in a row right quick, because ‘that person we couldn’t count on’ is about to become ‘that person we couldn’t count on 2.0.’

                I love your before and afters! Great stuff. Hoping for the best for you and your kiddos.

            • Oh, and the whole point of replying to that particular part of the thread was to agree 1,000% when you said ‘I will never dignify that relationship by calling her his “girlfriend.” My ex’s new wife will never be called that by me. Ever. She is now, and will forever be, HomeWrecker.

              • Honeyandthehomewrecker, you are MIGHTY! The mighty don’t become mighty by one single awesome act like, say….paying support once. The mighty become mighty one day at a time. And you, my dear, are the mightiest! Preschool would be great! But it’s not necessary. what would be awesome is if kindergarten is a full time option in your area. Regardless, you are better and better every day. You knew you couldn’t count on child support so you enrolled yourself in school so you can support your family! You are inspirational.

              • I used to feel like calling her “whore” was a little un-feminist of me.

                So now I don’t call her “whore” without calling him “fuckboy.” Equality in all things. 😉

      • You had a choice, you could cuss him out or hit him over the head with the frying pad which is what he really deserved. That might have gotten you in trouble, however so better to cuss him out.

      • I love your Happy Ending story, Rarity!! You are one amazing women and an inspiration. 🙂

        I got the same “watch your language” when I finally got bad ass angry and started swearing at him. And like you, I never ever swore at him or anyone else. It was okay for him to lie and cheat, but it wasn’t okay for me to swear. lol

  • Wow! I’m in awe of your strength! Living well is absolutely the best revenge. You go, girl!

  • Rarity that is awesome! You are an inspiration to us all. I am not there yet, but working on that getting a life thing. It does get better!

  • No offense, but DAMN GIRL.

    Also “Gotten the septorhinoplasty that I’d been wanting since junior high so I no longer look like the love child of Barbara Streisand and Adrien Brody” — I snickered.

  • Congratulations on your Masters! What an awesome accomplishment… and something no one can ever take away from you!

    Eat that cake eater!

    #dignity
    #pride
    #awesomeness
    #unchumped !!!!

  • Rarity Your posts have struck me as insightful, funny and intelligent.
    In Aus we love a good story of the under dog beating the odds. You are an inspiration to us and to your children.
    Shame on him. Continue to kick ass like a warrior.

  • Rarity,

    You. Are. A. Courocius*. Woman.
    *Courageous + Ferocious, a rare combination. I have tears in my eyes and a big smile on my face.

    With a mother like you, your HFA son will do well. My second son is a HFA and he is a fine botanist, makes a living being one.

    Footnote [1] is hilarious.

    I agree with you, Tracy’s diagnostics and her method are infallible to get us chumps to open our eyes and on the road to a better life.

    A big hug!

    • That is so awesome. Thanks for the encouragement!

      I honestly think my little HFA son is so bright (52% of people on the spectrum are smarter than average) and he’s kicking ass in ABA therapy right now. He’s the most popular kid in therapy, everyone loves him. Because he was born in late September, he’ll pretty much have 3 years of pre-K instead of 2 for catching up to his peers. I’m crossing my fingers.

  • This lifted my spirit high! (and your nose looks awesome!) Please, if it’s possible to post a link to the OWnarc’s blog post, I’m dying to see that too. Thanks for sharing your story. You really are an inspiration.

    • Here is an archived copy of her post. The text appears black-on-black, so you will have to highlight it to read it.

      I urge chumps not to go looking for her actual blog and commenting on her post.

      • GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG (I am capable of more eloquence, but didn’t feel it was deserved for such drivel.)

      • Me me me. It’s all about me. Some people just shouldn’t ever be in a relationship because they are incapable of giving of themselves.

        • I actually think she’s a decent writer in that she can turn a phrase and add a good rhetorical flourish. It’s the oozing narcissism that renders the post banal—and that’s without the inside knowledge that she’s withering on her fainting couch over a four-month fling with a married father of two.

          What’s really funny is that those ass-clowns were saying “I love you” less than two weeks after they started seeing each other. It’s obvious to everyone except her why their “love [wa]sn’t enough.”

            • Exactly. (And the name of her old blog, “Renaissance Woman Speaks” . . . pretentious much? *eyeroll*)

              • The OW in my case is one of those hippie dippie living her truth “life coaches” as well. Gag me.

              • I tried…I really tried to read it. Too painful to read. She’s saying alot of nothing.

                As for your rarity…Rock on! My daughter is a rarity fan. Maybe I should check her out.

              • She’s not the brightest light in the harbor:

                1) You cannot read her post unless you know to highlight it. It just looks like a black screen.

                2) She quoting Samantha from Sex and the City as her moral compass…that’s hilarious! In the scene she is mooing over, Samantha seconds before was a Peeping Tom to a threesome and slobbering over it.

                The character as written in the movie was clinically insane- sure….most 50 year old women would leave a faithful, 35 year old smoking hot movie star that worships you because you want strange dick and to hit the singles scene as you wrestle menopause.

                Wait….maybe that IS her moral compass.
                Forget her dumb ass.

                Rarity…you are…..SUPER FLY!!!

                Question: Do you think your faith helped you reach your Meh? Your theological studies and your Christianity?

                (no one lose their mind over religion…I get not digging religion or believing in anything supernatural

                …but I need all the insight/help I can get). I am so far from Meh…I need someone to send out a rescue team to help me find it.

              • The black-text-on-black-background is not her fault. I Web Cite’d the page because I figured it would disappear eventually, and WebCite can’t always hold a page’s formatting. It had standard black-on-white text/background when I Cite’d it.

                Thanks for the analysis of her SatC quotes! That does sound like her moral compass! I never watched that show, I heard it was anti-feminist trash.

                My Christian faith is and was helpful because I accept that, while everything does not happen for a purpose, God can give purpose to everything that happens. I believe that I am a better and stronger person now that I’ve been through what I have. I have clearer boundaries and I know life is precious and not to be wasted. When abusive people try to worm their way into my life, I shut that down. I’ve survived a pregnancy as a single mom and can reassure other women who want to keep their babies that there is a way (that is not a call for abortion to be made illegal, I just don’t want women to end pregnancies they want to keep because they think there is no other way).

                My daughter was born with a gigantic umbilical hernia. We had it repaired at 6 weeks. I cried as I handed her over to the surgeon. I knew that it was going to hurt her. I also knew that there was no other way and that, if I didn’t do it, there would be a gigantic bulge on her stomach for the rest of her life. She’s almost 11 now, has a tiny scar there and doesn’t even remember the pain.

                I think of my infidelity experience like that. My husband was always an asshole and was dead weight. He was keeping me from fulfilling my purpose in life. He was a giant bulge on my stomach. The Bible says God sends lying spirits, well, maybe God sent a slutty woman to show me who my husband really was, and now the surgery is over. I don’t have the bulge anymore, and someday it will all be a tiny scar I don’t even remember.

                I take the problem of God and pain very seriously and I know that isn’t a perfect and adequate explanation for everyone, but it helps me. Why couldn’t my daughter just be born without a hernia? Wasn’t there any way for me to become a stronger person without having to deal with infidelity? I don’t know, but it helps me.

                I’ll close by quoting a passage from one of my favorite books, The Horse and His Boy by C. S. Lewis. The main character, Shasta, realizes there is something walking next to him in the dark. The thing walking next to him says, “Tell me your sorrows.”

                —————-

                Shasta was a little reassured . . . so he told how he had never known his real father or mother and had been brought up sternly by the fisherman. And then he told the story of his escape and how they were chased by lions and forced to swim for their lives; and of all their dangers in Tashbaan and about his night among the tombs and how the beasts howled at him out of the desert. And he told about the heat and thirst of their desert journey and how they were almost at their goal when another lion chased them and wounded Aravis. And also, how very long it was since he had had anything to eat.

                “I do not call you unfortunate,” said the Large Voice.

                “Don’t you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?” said Shasta.

                “There was only one lion,” said the Voice.

                “What on earth do you mean? I’ve just told you there were at least two the first night, and—”

                “There was only one: but he was swift of foot.”

                “How do you know?”

                “I was the lion.” And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. “I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.” . . .

                “Who are you?” asked Shasta.

                “Myself,” said the voice . . .

          • Poop boy did the same thing. They were talking about getting married within a month of the affair being outed. Most of this can be chalked up to people who simply cannot be alone in life.

            Being alone has caused me some pain. There is a loss of status that comes from being a divorced, 35-year-old woman in the south. Some people probably see me as a failure. I graduated from college at 33 and am stuck as a cashier at a Wal-Mart, but such is life. I have an autistic child too, he’s non-verbal at age 6. I don’t date, it’s not something that will work out for me as most people would balk the moment they knew about my son. I say all of this because, despite what seems like a hard and unenviable description of my life, I am very aware that many people on this planet would kill to have what little I possess. Poop Boy? He can’t imagine that perspective. The world is never enough, it never gives enough. It’s a frequent theme I see among the cheater type – ungratefulness.

            Life never gives enough for these people. They go from person to person, place to place, in a never ending search for something outside of themselves that will finally fulfill their being. Instead, they end up back in the same spot they always were.

            • “Life never gives enough for these people” is exactly right. Sending ((hugs)) to you and your sweet little boy. (I don’t know if this is an option for you, but ABA therapy has been amazing for my son. He makes observable progress every week.)

              I’m on MyAutismTeam (the social network for autism parents and autistic people) if you ever want to join. I’m Rarity there, too.

              • Lyndsy Karrie is doing amazing things in the science and mum world. She cured her son’s autism and is in the process of filming a documentary about it. Look up her name on Facebook or Leaving the Spectrum. Or GAPS.

              • I’ll check it out.

                My brother has classic autism (age 33 now and still living with his father) and I used to babysit for a little autistic boy. This kid was about the same as my brother. I reconnected with his mother after my son’s diagnosis and was amazed to hear that he’s “cured” in that no one in his life knows he is or ever was autistic. He’s a little socially awkward (22 and never had a girlfriend), but he has a tech degree and is making good money and living independently.

                I’ll always love my son no matter how his autism turns out, but the kid I babysat for showed me you never know how it will go.

            • I agree about the ungratefulness and never having enough! Expecting others to make them happy and blaming everyone else for all of their problems. Narcissistic cheaters and AP’s.. They’re all the same.

            • Dem- I hate that you are stuck working at Wal Mart when you went through the time and effort of university.

              I don’t know if you are interested in teaching, but many programs are available for lateral entry. This means you apply, and you have two years to get your teacher certification.
              AND (my sister is a school psychologist, I have the scoop) a great way to get your foot in the door is
              *summer school*.

              The teachers rightfully want their break, and they have lots of classes for the little turkeys who need to pass summer school to graduate, etc.

              Once you show up, and don’t quit- you can get on for the full year, with benefits and a full pay packet. Most school systems have super insurance and then you could get your son more advanced therapy.

              Just spit balling to think of a way to get you out of Wal Mart! 🙁

          • Passive voice, check, reference to S&TC (really funny after yesterday’s discussion!), check, thinks she’s Jane Austen, check. NARC!

      • Comparing herself to a Sex and The City role? Makes sense. Seems to be her level of intellectual depth.

        She’s about as deep as a puddle.

  • You made me cry AND gave me hope. YOU are mighty. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Cheater morals. Yep. Most messed up morals EVER.

  • Taking those three conditions for moving on to heart. Well put.

    Congrats to you for showing the world how it is done. Very inspiring. Thank you.

  • Rarity, I’ve always enjoyed your posts and insight here with CN. So many of us are familiar with each other’s stories, it definitely feels often as though we know each other – even if we’ve never technically met.

    So now Chump Nation gets to sit here, watching you accept the rewards on the stage of your mightiness, and I bet we all want to turn to everyone else in the audience and proudly say “That amazing woman right there? The one you are all so impressed with? Well, we KNOW her. She’s our friend!” so we can share in some of that radiant glow of Mighty. Good for you, girl.

  • I LOVE that you held up that sign at your graduation! Huge shout out to you and all of the 2014 cohort members who have a firm hold on that “gain a life” thing!!

  • Rarity- you are the very definition of AWESOME! You are an inspiration to all us chumps that life can, and will, get better with some elbow grease and righteous anger! You Rock!

  • Yes! Live life like it’s your last day. Since my divorce- still working shit jobs, going to school, providing emotional support for my sons, NO contact with ex, and best of all – looking better – feeling better – happier – and healthier than the two of them combined. Did I mention I am leaving for Spain in 1 month and 6 days?

    • Lldodd60,

      I went to Spain last year too! So awesome! Enjoy. This getting a life gets easier each day. Enjoy your trip. You deserve it.

  • Rarity, you are owning your story, and I love it. Cheers to you for everything you’ve been through, and everything you’ve decided not to be defined by. You rule!

    I was the only one of us working a paying job, and taking care of my 1-year-old alone when my ex chose to leave rather than end his relationship with his girlfriend. I regret nothing and am so glad I demanded that basic decency, and then watched him choose to leave. It was 100% worth it that day, and has been so ever since. I’m so, so glad he left. My ex continues to do terrifying shit like drive my toddler around drunk, so I wouldn’t say I fully “don’t care” what he does, but I’m gray rock all the way during exchanges. Very, very happily remarried now to (as with you) a sensitive, soft-spoken guy and loving life so much.

    P.S. My kid is almost 4 and is into MLP; I recently decided that Rarity’s my favorite. Haha.

  • You are such a great writer! And a mighty, mighty example with a generous heart. Bonus: you made me laugh. Well done, sister. I’m in awe of your spine!

  • Rarity, thank you for sharing this with us. You’ve shown us how hard work and no-contact can bring happiness and so much success! A huge congratulations for everything you’ve achieved – YOU ARE MIGHTY! ???

  • Rarity, you’re an inspiration. I was a pregnant chump, too, and I’ve been clawing my way out of hell since D-Day. Currently at the beginning of the divorce process. Your story shows me that there is, indeed, light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.

  • Rarity, good for you-you are my hero. i don’t know you, but am very proud of you. Your kids have a heck of a strong person for a Mom.

  • Rarity you FUCKING rock! Congrats for coming out the other side!!! Stories like yours are proof that you can leave a cheater gain and gain a FULLING happy life away from the disordered.

    We are a mess when our worlds get rocked but we are also proof that good does and can prevail.

    BTW – I found CL and CN by googling coparenting with a narcissist and after being a lurker for some time, I found a safe place amongst people who truly understand what it is like to have to distance and disentangle yourself from the selfish lying people known as cheaters with no moral code.

    Proud of you Rarity and your story is a beacon of hope for the hurt and lost ?

  • Love this post by rarity . 8 months from D day and and 4 months from the divorce . Had a 16 year career but quit to care for 2 kids post divorce . The cheater’s alimony is sufficient for now . Needed a break to care for the kids and also to heal. Still doing occasional ugly crying while driving but the episodes are fewer and shorter these days . Went NC as soon as I could and never looked back . Glad to hear that Rarity could have such minimal contact with the cheater despite having joint custody of the kids as it’s what I am doing and hoping to continue to do . Realised that it is possible . The kids can talk or message him but i dun contact him at all . As long as alimony is paid and kids are picked up and dropped off on time . Hopefully , never have to see the ex at all until either of us drops dead . No career for now but happy being a full time mum to the kids , dreaming of yummy meals for them, pursuing my own interests and sports . Let time do it’s work .

  • Rarity – what I admire so much in this story is that once you made your peace with the fact that there was no Unicorn, you got mighty and you put yourself and your children first… and you THRIVED!

    But, to all of us, remember, it didn’t happen overnight. It’s like that movie with Bill Murray (Groundhog Day)… where every day (in the beginning) IT IS ENOUGH to just get out of bed and get through the day… because each day you are learning more about who you are and each day you are able to try out new ways of living (NO CONTACT!) and get your ducks in a row. Each day you move farther and farther away from the insanity your Fuckwit and closer to the light of happiness.

    It has been 2.5 years since my D-day and my divorce was final in December. I’ve been single (no dates) the entire time. BUT – here is what I have done:

    – divorce settlement that I wanted
    – custody agreement that I wanted
    – taking my son to Europe for vacation this year
    – living debt free (except for mortgage!)
    – have a savings and a 401K now
    – started a college fund for my son
    – sleeping a full night
    – no more panic/anxiety attacks
    – and, for what it’s worth, might’ve facilitated the demise of Mr. Sparkles and OW’s “relationship”

    I have such peace now – I almost question it 🙂

    Rarity – thank you for sharing your Mighty Story and also how you are serving God (I think they go hand in hand!).

    Let’s do this CHUMPS… let’s make this a revolution of happiness.

  • Great story, rarity!

    I remember when you first came here. I’m so glad that you are not only surviving, but thriving!

    Fellow Chumps, take heart. It does get better. Give yourselves time and distance from your cheater, and go refill those emotional batteries by doing what’s meaningful for you.

    • You really have to do a guest post with your own story, kb. I remember ALL of it and you are amazing!

      I was just thinking about you yesterday and how you patiently played the long game on your cheater and came out in the end. Glad you commented today!

  • Well. Rarity is the perfect name for you, girl. You are a treasure. I loved your post but that footnote. That footnote made my week. Maybe my month. Somehow it encapsulated the cheater syndrome perfectly and it was a fucking footnote. I’m a lawyer and a librarian so yeah… footnotes are kind of my thing. 🙂

    So glad for you Rarity. I love a Chump story with a happy middle. The end of your life story is a long way off but I have faith it will be happy too.

    • LOL! I’m glad you liked it and I’m glad CL kept it. Half the time, if I submit a footnote in a guest post, it gets edited out.

      BUT . . . do Web page footnotes count as endnotes or footnotes? Hmmm…. 😉

    • I also just sort of fell in love with you a little bit, Rarity, because of the footnote. — Honestly, after reading the posts here at CL, I think the cheaters were simply overwhelmed by chumps’ collective awesomeness. — So glad to hear your happy-ending story, Rarity!

  • Rarity you are an inspiration! It took such strength and determination to achieve a better life!

    It’s also a reminder of just how much we can accomplish when we put our energy and focus on our own needs. Bravo, you look beautiful.

  • Rarity
    I get the feeling that today’s posts are going to be a chorus of well deserved congratulations. It was so good to read your story today. Thanks so much for taking the time to think about your experience and pass it on. So it really is, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.
    Best wishes for you and your new family going forward!!! ❤

  • What an awakening, Rarity. Hell of a story. I remembered when you started. Congratulations on all your successes since throwing that fucker out (personally, I love any opportunity to swear).

    It hard to say “sorry it happened” when an outcome like this is so rewarding to witness. Just saying…

    • I hope to go on to have a better life without STBX, but I refuse to ever give him credit for leaving me to make that possible.

      She made her life awesome and no thanks to her idiot ex.

  • Rarity, your wit has always delighted me, you have a heart the size of a planet, and the content of your character shines forth.

    Proud to call you a friend and fellow Chump.

    Love to all in Chump Nation!

  • What an amazing post. I’m still in the middle of trying to get out of my marriage. I’ll be filing in May. So the idea that there really is a life beyond all this heartache still seems like a foreign concept. Your life sounds amazing! You are such an inspiration. Congratulations!

  • Rarity,

    Thank you for that amazing post. So happy for you. I am not there yet even though I am quite a bit older than you and still reeling from the loss of a 36 year marriage and 40 year relationship. But last night I went out on my first post divorce date! He was very nice but not my type but he asked me out again! I am going to the gym regularly and losing weight! I have so many friends I have to keep a calendar for my plans. I will have to continue work hard forever but I have a good career as a lawyer. My son got engaged last week and I love the girl he is marrying. And yes, I went to Spain with my son this last December. So I have so many blessings in my life. So I would say- eat the chocolate- except I am dieting- kiss the frog- do all the things you always wanted to do- and maybe we will all wake up like Rarity and realize our dreams. How powerful you are- two young children and a cruel husband- you are my hero. Nora Ephron said: “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim” and Rarity, you certainly have done that.

  • Wow, Rarity. Every single aspect of your story is so empowering. You picked the exact correct google search, because you have indeed exacted a mighty revenge!! You are amazingly beautiful both inside and out! Thank you for sharing such wonderful encouragement with the rest of us!

  • I’m so proud of and for you, Rarity! Thank you for telling it like it is and giving hope to so many of us! You are AWESOME! Love and prayers to you and your family!

  • What a great way to start the day! Congrats, Rarity, on a new degree, new nose, and new life!

    For all the grief chumps have to go through to clear the rubble left behind by cheaters, getting to the other side makes it all worthwhile. And along the way we find (or rediscover) all the strength and courage we need to keep our eyes on the prize. It’s so satisfying to regain a life of our choice, and it totally mystifies the cheater.

  • Hey rarity. Congrats on your success! I have a question. Are you Mormon too? I am just wondering because I know temple marriages are harder to get pulled from their records than a civil union. Of course it has no legal standing, but I can imagine you wouldn’t want anyone having a record of you being married to this jackass. Both my chump, & myself could just ask the stake to change our statuses due to the fact that a bishop presided over both of our ceremonies, but neither of our marriages were sealed. I apologize in advance if this is to personal of a question or if I mistake anything concerning the church. Been a few years.?

    • I am not. My story is an unusual one; I actually have a degree from Brigham Young University, but have never been Mormon.

      I’m well aware of how hard it can be to break a Mormon temple sealing. I had a friend who married in the temple to a man who proved to be an abusive asshole. She divorced him and married a Roman Catholic who had no intention of joining the Mormon church, and she didn’t want her children with the new Catholic husband to be considered “sealed” to the first husband. I helped her with the petition to the First Presidency and they granted the sealing cancellation. Friends tell me that the FP is actually pretty free about granting these kinds of cancellations now, but I haven’t been able to confirm.

      I know other Mormons who have to put up with their abusive ex’es taunting them about how they’re still “married in heaven.” I feel sorry for them, but Mormon theology is what it is.

      • Rarity,

        I am a chump and also a Mormon. I married my former spouse for time and eternity in the temple. I meant my vows. Unfortunately, he made other choices. It is even more devastating to know that your cheater stomped on your beliefs, your eternal family, and was dishonest even to God. At my lowest I wondered if God had abandoned me. I had done everything I thought I should’ve done and yet my husband had betrayed me and destroyed my children’s secure home. After I filed for divorce, my serial cheating husband lied to get his fellowship back into the church. It was a difficult time for me, but he had taken so much from me already, he was NOT going to take away my faith. Eternal marriage is a beautiful tenet of Mormonism. With a righteous and committed spouse it is especially spiritually meaningful. After our divorce I petitioned and was granted a sealing cancellation. I have since remarried a Mormon man who lives his religion by loving and respecting me. We have been sealed in the temple. I am so, so happy! I now look forward to eternity with a true committed partner!

        • That’s wonderful! Congratulations! I have no hate for the principle of eternal marriage itself. I do think the LDS church could use some updates to its policies on the matter, but that’s very technical stuff.

        • It Is What It Is, I so agree with you on that! I have learned that my own testimony can not be based on man or it will fail me. I had to make that gut wrenching realization and determination when I made my DH talk to the bishop. His was an emotional affair and, believe it or not, 15 years ago there was NOTHING on EA anywhere. Google it and you will find articles and forums that now discuss the devastation, but the dates are within the past five years. I was on my own. Actually, that’s not true. Through prayer and Grace, I made it through.

          But man was and is fallible. The bishop, after talking to my husband, called me in and told me he was on a slippery slope but I needed to go home and SERVE my husband. My jaw dropped. I’d been doing the Pick Me Dance for 3 months and my husband loved me no more. He’d made absolutely no concessions and I was exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually. The man whom I came to for support told me to do MORE. I walked out bitter and discouraged.

          I agree with Rarity. Everything does not happen for a purpose but God can give everything a purpose. My bishop was a man doing the best he could. Layman like the rest of us, he was wrong. He was supporting the marriage, not me. Like the marriage therapists we saw and the current mantra that infidelity was a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage. We were both culpable, they all said.

          I threw out the bath water but not the baby. Do you know what God gave me that man did not? Knowledge that it was all crap. Knowledge that I was given the short stick but He would help me navigate it. It would be hard, it would be lonely, but if I continued to turn to Him, I would make it. I prayed. I continued going to church and the temple. Sometimes I was enlightened. Sometimes I was pissed. But I made it. I learned that what my husband did or didn’t do made no difference in my faith. I know who I worship and why. Nobody can take that from me and I refused to give it up over someone else’s stupidity.

          • Onemoreday, that is so sad. I’m sadly not surprised the bishop reacted the way he did. Patriarchal religions tend to breed good-ol’-boys’ networks that look out for the interests of the men, no matter how wrong that is, and that problem is far from unique to Mormonism. (See my example about the Texas evangelical church and the pedophile husband elsewhere in this thread.)

            And you’re right that emotional affairs were seldom talked about back then. Even now, their categorization is nebulous. A lot of people think “emotional affairs” are any platonic friendships with people of the sex you’re attracted to, and that is not the case. I did a series on EAs on my own blog here: http://www.weighted-glory.com/2015/01/the-emotional-affair-what-it-is-and-isnt/

            I’m glad you didn’t let this destroy your faith in God. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” A lot of people think that means, “I can do anything I put my mind to because God is with me.” It actually means, “I can be content in whatever circumstance, no matter how bad my life is, because God gives me strength.” (No, really, that’s what the preceding verses say!) I think you have exemplified that beautifully.

  • High five!
    Such a joy to read about your life on the other side. I hope many new chumps find inspiration in your words and continue to press on and gain a life.

  • Rarity,
    Today CL and CN celebrates YOU!
    YOU are mighty!
    Can you hear the ROAR?!?
    (and feel the hugs?!)

  • Your story, Although nothing like mine, gave me hope. I was married for 37 years to a closeted gay husband. Still in divorce process. At age 60, it a scary world for me. But I know I don’t have any choice but to get over and it and move on to a REAL life. You’ve inspired me!

    • JT D –
      Did you find out all at once in a D Day or was it a slow horror show?

      I was searching Scuzzy Soul Sucker’s google history when I was losing my mind and I found where he was looking at male body building competitions…like men all beefed up and oily doing those poses.

      The only thing Scuzzy lifted were cigarettes and Mountain Dews. (a sophisticate, he was!)

      ???

  • Congrats! What a wonderful life you’ve created for yourself.

    My ex walked out without warning right after the first semester of my doctoral program, just two days before Christmas. I’m still writing my dissertation– PhDs take a long time to grow up. If it were a child, it would be in kindergarten by now and spelling small words. So I’m all about a chump finishing their degree and winning at life!

    . . . And you did with kids! Way to go!

    • Thanks so much! It took me an embarrassing 7 years to do my master’s degree. I had issues with depression and anxiety that caused me to fail most of my classes my second year, then I spent the next two years re-taking most of those classes to fix my GPA. My XH was not very supportive through this time, and created bullshit drama that I had to deal with (like getting fired for sexual harassment). That said, it’s hard to say how much of the delay was his fault and how much was mine.

      But taking an extra 3 years after that to finish the degree? Yeah, that’s mostly because of him. At the end of it all, I was glad I finished at all—and my GPA was a 3.4, which was not bad, all things considered.

      Good for you for still plugging away at your dissertation after putting up with what you did, that’s no joke. I hope I’m reading your victory story guest post soon. 😉

      • This is truly inspiring, Rarity! You did not give up. You keep right on trucking, and look at you now. I will remember this when I want to go take a 3 week nap.

        It is also an excellent sign post to the point that these disordered weirdos make us lose so much..he even managed to derail your Masters for a moment…but he did not succeed.

        A 3.4 is outstanding.

      • There is absolutely no shame in the amount of time it takes to finish a degree. In the end, it only matters that you got it! Best wishes as you continue to conquer the world!

    • Good luck!

      I actually just quit my PhD, my Dday was at 7 months pregant… I tried to continue the PhD but 100%single parenting… I just couldnt do it, it was too tough. I am happy I quit though 🙂 But if you can, get it done!!!

  • This post just made my day. First off, you are one STRONG and MIGHTY lady. Most would have crumbled under similar conditions but you not only managed it, you fucking owned it. It goes to show that you and your ex simply are not cut from the same cloth. Now that he’s gone you have room for the type of person that you deserve – someone as strong and selfless as you. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you and your kids all the best. So proud of you.

  • My goodness Rarity, there is some competitiveness when it comes to BYU! Especially Salt Lake City! My entire family are devout mormons and a lot of them live in Utah. Everywhere from Monticello to Salt Lake City and Saint George. The competition between Provo and Salt Lake City is crazy.

  • Wow!, thank you so much for your post. I have 3 with autism. In Australia I took his arse to court and got child support for life even though my son has a full pension. He is almost 21. He got a barrister and I was in the box for over an hour before the judge stopped it and said just enough! do the right thing. He is so shocked I’m alive, there alone so happy. I have also met a quiet, sensitive, kind hearted man. I did not know life could be so good. I never would have survived if I had not found Chump Nation. It does take time and yes it does happen on a Tuesday. All my 3 kids were really hurt but we are all starting to come to life. We have hope and a future and we are all happy now. My boy says, ‘ Dads a Christian and Mum swears and goes to the pub’. People who don’t know us don’t get it, but I’m 24 years sober and I take him out dancing. Yes my ex is offended that I swear, and it hurts his little ears – but wow the stuff he does but he goes to church so that makes his behavior OK? ????? go figure – true Narc. So glad I’m alive and have a nice life now. lots of love to everyone, thank you all xxxx

    • Hey I survivied — About cussing and cheaters? I read that cussing is actually a sign of honesty!! Yes! We don’t have to keep such a tight rein on what we say, because we don’t have to worry, we’re not lying, and there is nothing that could slip out. Cheaters, though, have to carefully, carefully monitor what comes out of their mouths, they might slip up and inadvertently reveal who they are and what they’ve done, so, they don’t let themselves cuss!!

      Cussing — sign of honesty

      Not cussing — sign of tight monitoring of speech (for cheaters, doesn’t apply to all those saints)

  • Rarity. Maybe it is just my family. The universities seem to have a competitive edge when it comes to their sports teams. It probably is just my family. They go more crazy for a game between BYU and Their own home team than I do for a game between the Denver Nuggets and Utah Jazz. Those are the most fun for me to watch. I like both teams. Was it hard going to BYU due to the environment? I have heard, once or twice that it is a private university that is owned and mostly subsidized by the Mormon church. Not sure if that is true or not. However, I have always wondered if that had any effect on campus rules. Last time I will bug you today ma’am. Thank you for responding. God speed!

    • They do take their college sports teams pretty seriously over there, but that’s probably in part because they have so few major league professional sports teams. The only big league teams they have are Utah Jazz and Real Salt Lake. The U usually played some prank on BYU the week the two football teams faced off. I remember one year, they put U of U boxer shorts on an Indian statue on campus while I was there. I thought it was funny.

      BYU as a non-Mormon was an interesting experience. I’m still an evangelical Christian, but was a lot more conservative when I started at BYU. (Mormons don’t watch rated R movies? I out-holied them by refusing to watch PG-13 movies. I was appalled that Mormons celebrate Halloween. It all seems funny to me now.) People were usually respectful and I made good friends and had good conversations. Things definitely got worse for me when I married my XH, and I enjoyed college a lot less after that, but that’s life.

      BYU is indeed a private university owned and subsidized by the Mormon church, so they set rules like “no coffee” and “no premarital sex.” There’s recently been a scuffle there where a non-Mormon ROTC trainer let the university know that he wasn’t going to promise to not drink coffee in his own home, so now they’re moving the ROTC program to Utah Valley University in Oregon.

      You’re not bugging me, I love discussing Mormon theology and culture! I imagine this sounds like a foreign language to most chumps though. 😉

      • I read Fawn Brodie’s No Man Knows My History, 2nd edition, twice. I could not have even begun to understand Mormonism otherwise – fascinating, and so well researched, and well written.

        I am Roman Catholic myself, and had a nasty battle with a priest last year when he cheated on the entire congregation with a lady friend, then lied about it, then got caught, then tried to rope me – a trusted friend, or so I thought – into helping him get off the hook with the bishop. Apparently the lady was diabolical and wicked, and it was All Her Fault.

        Fat chance.

        It triggered so many distressing chump emotions for me – his manipulativeness and deceit, rewriting history, threats, bluster, and utter refusal to accept responsibility. Thanks to this blog, I was able to name his behaviours and my emotions, process them, and get over them a lot faster than before. And yes, No Contact is the path to the truth and the light!

        Chump Nation teaches you valuable life skills in ways you don’t expect. But I am so much happier now.

        • I’m so sorry you went through this. For religious leaders to let us down is the worst.

          I’ve seen a lot of it in the evangelical world. Tullian Tchividjian, Billy Graham’s grandson, lost his pastoral position a few years ago because he confessed to having a reactive affair after discovering his wife was cheating on him. He called her out and everything. Another church gave him a job only to have it come out that he’d had an affair before his wife did, and several elders from the former church had been aware of it, but had swept it under the rug.

          There was another church in Texas that had a missionary couple. While out on the mission, the wife discovered her husband was into kiddie porn, and he admitted to being tempted to molest the children in his care. They were relative newlyweds and she had a limited window in which to file for annulment, but the church tried to push her into reconciling. She left the church because they were clearly on her husband’s side, and filed for annulment. The church tried to put HER under discipline AFTER she had left the church, sent out an e-mail to the entire church detailing why they were disciplining her and everything. There have been several court cases ruling that the freedom of religion clause in the 1st Amendment includes the freedom to disassociate from a religion at any time for any reason, so they’re lucky she didn’t sue their pants off.

          Then there was Tony Jones and his “my mistress is my spiritual wife” bullshit.

          For my own part, my husband’s Mormon leaders did little more than slap his wrists–and he brought his mistress to church with him at one point, before most people even knew we were on the rocks. Oh well. If the Mormon church really wants a guy like him prowling the single’s wards of Chicago, that’s their problem, not mine.

      • No coffee? I have a lot of research to do. Who knew?

        I have bowls of coffee out in my house because I love the smell so much!

        You can go to discount stores, get the cheap stuff and it still smells great. Better than air fresher.

  • Great post Rarity, really inspiring for those floundering around in the mess. Like you I have lost a cheater and gained a life….

  • Rarity! Your story is inspirational and the photo of you with the sign (and the footnote) had me laughing out loud. Thank you so much for posting – lifted my spirits substantially. I went for a big hike in the mountains outside of Salt Lake this morning and knowing that this used to be your stomping grounds too
    inspired me even more. I loved thinking of what sign I would like to hold to show the world that I am mighty. I’ve been doodling signs all morning. Thanks for inspiring, making me laugh, and gaining a life!
    xxoo

    • I’m jealous! I love the Salt Lake area and I love Utah! I’ve tried to sell my boyfriend on moving there someday if it works out for us, but so far he’s not biting. We’re both Alaskans by childhood and he loves a good, cold winter, so maybe someday he’ll change his mind if he sees the Utah winters, but for now it’s Illinois.

    • BTW, “What would you put on a sign telling your chump story?” might be a good post topic. Or even, “Take a picture and show us your chump sign!”

  • Tears came to my eyes when I read your list of accomplishments. It truly made my day I to read about a fellow member of a club (one we all never thought we would be a member of) is getting to show the world who she is-an amazing and mighty woman!
    Thank you for sharing your story!

  • Every word here is a treasure. This is one to bookmark and go back to. Rarity indeed left a cheater (physically, legally, mentally, and emotionally) and gained a wonderful, fulfilling life.

  • Rarity I LOVE you! Thank you for sharing your story, your happiness and your gorgeous photo! You so totally rock, dude!

    My cheater was also a Mormon. Its one of the reasons I married him (I’m agnostic) for the potential “family values”. So much for that bit!

  • Wow. Just wow. I am floored by you Rarity. Comic Con? You’re a keeper. Your story makes we want to start a volunteer service to hold the hands of women in the delivery room alone. Of all the things that I have accomplished in my life, it all pales in comparison to the birth of my sons. His loss. Rarity you’re a Rock Star. Well played.

    • Thanks. And I finally found a guy to go to comic cons and sci-fi book clubs with me! 🙂

      My doula and my doctor (whom I had a very good relationship with) were what got me through the birth of my son. I almost told the hospital staff not to let my XH into the delivery room, I was so mad at him. He had stolen money from my bank account a few days before my due date, even though he knew I had preeclampsia and was still working because he didn’t make any money at his joke of a “job.” When I confronted him about what he had done with my money, his verbatim text to me was, “Wouldn’t you like to know.” That was kind of when I knew I was going to divorce him. I realized that if a man treats you like that when you are 9 months pregnant with his child and fighting a life-threatening medical condition, he will never, ever, treat you better.

      • Wow. He sucks! My STBX isn’t any better. 20 years married, 2 kids, and walked out when I was 6 months pregnant. He told me one week before my c-section date that he was moving into an apartment and needed the checkbook for the deposit and rent. It wasn’t a cheap place either. Planned to come in the house and get all of his stuff that week, too.

        My 1 year old is also special needs. She has a rare form of epilepsy. We have frequent ambulance rides, ER visits and hospital stays. I did NOT let him in the operating room for her birth. I told him I was the one in surgery and wanted my one person to be someone who loved and supported me. He still tries to bring it up about how “I denied him from being at the birth of his daughter.” They don’t have any concept of how consequences are related to their choices. It is always someone else’s fault.

  • That. Is. The. Most. Beautiful. Story. Great advice at the end.

    Fucking is a bad word. I’m Mormon, too. I didn’t use to say it. I still don’t like the word as it implies something crass, a sexual activity performed out of lust and in the dark corners of forbiddendom.

    But. If it looks like fuck, acts like a fuck, quacks like a fuck, it’s a fuck.

    I thought the ROTC program was moving to Utah Valley University in Orem. Wait, I just reread your sentence. I’ll bet your spell check isn’t used to the word Orem.

    Please come back to Utah and be my neighbor.

    • Yeah, my computer automatically autocorrects and it changed “Orem” to “Oregon.” Not the same.

      I once had a Utah teenager scold me for “swearing” because I said “crap.” Utah is a special place.

      I may visit this summer; not sure if I’ll ever be so lucky as to live there again.

  • Rarity, thank you for sharing your inspiring story. Your mightiness waves just rippled on out into the universe to, no doubt, positively impact others. Here’s wishing you all the best in the future.

  • I love that you kept your sense of humor. I tried to look up the OWblog and it said it had been taken down. I thought that was interesting.

    • It wasn’t taken down, she just moved the entire blog to another URL. Hasn’t blogged there in a while though.

  • The sign, though. That is gold! Thank you so much for sharing your amazing story, Rarity. You are one heck of a lady. And I so agree with your prescription for Meh. Glad it worked for you, and I love your strong boundaries with the XH. Your writing reminds me that with time, distance, and clarity, this becomes something complete free of shame, something we can even laugh over. I never thought being cheated on while pregnant then abandoned could be something that I fully realized had NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with someone else’s shittiness. It’s reading stories like yours that have gotten me to that point of fully internalizing that the shame over that crap doesn’t belong to me. It doesn’t define me anymore, though it did for a long time. Thanks for posting!

  • Congrats Rarity-
    You are beautiful AND smart….what a great role-model for your children!
    I love your sign too!

    Not only did you leave a cheater, get a life-you have a happy, successful life!

  • Mormons inside Utah are a lot different than the ones here in Colorado. They are more laid back here. I love Lehi Milling products. Oh yeah! The Cache Valley cheese in Beaver! Yummy! I remember the cheese factory in Loa.

  • Rarity, congratulations on gaining a wonderful life in spite of the seeming obstacles. I admire your courage – I am sure there were times that you were ready to give up but you didn’t. I am so happy for you.

  • Rarity, you are amazing! You reclaimed your life and your family! I salute you! What you have accomplished is no easy feat and you should be very proud of yourself. I hope your worm of an Ex husband lives a miserable life!

    • I would urge any Chumps with “left a cheater, gained a life” stories to submit guest posts. I love reading them myself!

      If you don’t think you have good writing skills, talk to me on the forums, I will edit your story for you for free. I’m betting CL would do the same.

  • Kudos to you, Rarity!

    I love how mighty you were. I was laughing on that love-child line.

    Be good, and stay awesome.

    Well, the ravager is pretty much ravaged up. 🙂

    • Ha ha. You have know idea. After I submitted this, I got new information about him that I can’t share. Trust me, his love life is even more screwed up than I thought!

      As for the OW: I congratulate her on her nuptials and I sincerely hope hers is the only husband who “ravages” her from here on out. *eyeroll*

  • Rarity, I was just blown away by this. Then thought, man, Rarity has used up ALL the mighty. But of course, realised mighty is like love, just keeps refilling.

    Four months off submission of my Masters thesis. On full scholarship. (So, drowning a bit right now!) Submission date is my 49th birthday. Topic? Is a geographies of home piece. On spatial effects on and of love, identity and materialities after relationship challenges. Some hard stories heard. Some completely uplifting ones, too, from my research participants. But yours is the mightiest! ‘Scuse the language, but keep that shit up!

    • You’re going to kick some master’s thesis ass! Come back and update us when you succeed. You are mighty. 🙂

  • Thank you so much for all of the kind and wonderful comments. I wish I could reply to every one individually.

    Shout out to all of the Chump moms & dads who stood by disabled kids. Don’t ever think that raising disabled kids is no big deal or something you “have” to do because they’re yours. You had a choice (your spouses/partners proved that much) and you chose to do the right thing. That is MIGHTY.

    • Thanks for sharing!!! From one woman chumped while pregnant to another… it was very inspirational to read. I am 2 years post Dday but not where you are at yet, congratulations on your journey to freedom!

  • Rarity–remember when Kim Kardashian (I think) said she wanted to ‘break the internet’?
    Well, I think your post deserves to Break the Internet! I hope it does!!!!! Love it!

  • Honeyandthehomewrecker,
    I have just read your post and my heart goes out to you. You, as Rarity, are a true inspiration to all.
    You show such determination and courage in pursuing a good education while you lovingly care for your young children.
    I became a chump when I had a young child, had recently lost a pregnancy, was in my first trimester of a difficult third pregnancy at DDay time. I was totally crushed, did the pick me dance. My cheater changed jobs and we moved to another city.
    It has been a very long, difficult haul. Sometimes I think it is better in the end if they just leave as the character of a cheater speaks a lot for what kind of a person they are. I think it is the lack of respect that is the most difficult for a chump to deal with. In my case I did forgive, but I will never forget.
    You, sweet lady are one strong girl. Look at you picking yourself up, being the sane, loving parent and also getting a good education.
    I hope there is help available for you and your lovely family, could you ask at your church or someone you are close to. Take any help you can get and I hope you will keep CL and CN up to date on your successes, because a person with your kind of determination and true character will definitely have success.
    Sorry to run on and on, but I can’t say enough good things about you.
    One day you will have a star post spot, just like Rarity!
    Big Hugs!

  • Rarity you are amazing and beautiful! Your message is exactly what I needed today to motivate me to keep no contact. I am also in school studying psychology and hope to get into graduate school. I am so proud of you and thank you sincerely for your timeless wisdom in this article. Keep up the great work and please be my friend cause you’re so cool! ?

    • Happy to contribute! No contact is like wine: it just gets better with age.

      My blog is here. Feel free to head to my social media links and shoot me a friends request on FB. 🙂

  • Rarity,

    I have not been on for a few days and dang, missed this. I am so HAPPY for you. Live long and prosper!

  • That’s EXACTLY how I found Chum[ Lady: googling revenge and cheated keywords.
    We must have landed on the same page 🙂 Oh, I remember the disappointment I felt. But I lurked on the site and returned the next day and the next day 🙂
    Chump Lady has been my therapist in my darkest period.
    There is one point I don’t necessary agree with CL or you: letting go of telling the truth of the OW.
    Do tell the truth about her. Inform the current chump, tell her friends, let the world know what she did. State the facts.
    Otherwise, you are being an accomplice to the dark side. These POS thrive on secrecy, on people not sharing information.
    In my case, the OW was the babysitter. She was co-babysitting for another family. She created this aura of a mean and evil woman about the other mother. It took me a couple of weeks to see it as a manipulation technique, so I contacted the mother. We exchanged stories. The babysitter has lied to both of us. The other mother fired her and offered me support.
    Tell the truth. Good and wise people will hear it.
    Congrats for your success story! Onward and upward!

    • Did we have the same OWhore? I tried to contact the OWhore twice, once on FB to beg for my marriage (her only response was to block me) and once via snail mail to chide her because STBX was bumming money off of me and I felt like, since these two were soooo in love, maybe she should be the one spotting him cash when he’s broke? My tone wasn’t nice, but I didn’t call her any names or threaten her or anything like that.

      The gaslighting began. Having never actually spoken to me or had a conversation with me, she began claiming I was a raving lunatic and too “dangerous” to speak with, a hysterical fiction that my STBX was all too happy to nurture. To this day, she has never contacted me directly (but occasionally sent messages through my XH, even though I have told her that I don’t want him contacting me and if she wants to talk to me she needs to talk to me herself).

      I would shout her name and what she did from the rooftops if I could, but how? I don’t care to create a blog calling her out, I don’t want to send her name to one of those “She’s a Homewrecker” type sites (which are really just scams). I could contact her husband, but he’s a newlywed and will likely just tell me to f*** off (besides, she may have already told him her story of all this and has poisoned the well with the “she’s a scary stalker” narrative first). I said in the OP that I thought about contacting the senior pastor of the church her husband pastors at, hoping that an older, more level head would take me seriously, but at worst, they would probably just meet with her, hear out her lies, and tell me they’re taking no action. So the most I’ll have accomplished is momentarily embarrassing her.

      More importantly though, I’ve prayed about it and the Spirit has led me to move on. I honestly believe the justice of God is real and she’ll get comeuppance for what she did, even if not in this life. I saw a meme the other day that said, “Isn’t it pathetic how we waste so much time on certain people and in the end they prove that they weren’t even worth a second of it.” I’ve wasted enough of my life on her.

      • You care too much about “what if”s and how would people react.
        You can’t control their reactions. It’s not your job to worry how they react to the truth.
        If they are cheater themselves, what do you expect? If they are his family and/or friends, what do you expect? So what if some sites are scams or not? She’s a homewrecker, that’s a fact.
        All I’m saying is voice the truth. Whoever wants to hear it, whoever is ready to hear it, will hear it.
        It is your truth. Please don’t hide it.

        I took a different approach to my OW. I treat her like the mud on my shoes. Unmentionable. Irrelevant.
        It irked her. My then husband wrote me emails demanding (can you believe these people?!?!?) to call her by her name. I don’t, I won’t! Affair partner, sex partner are the only decent “titles” I’ll put in writing.
        She plays the pick me dance and he enjoys it. She thinks she won some prize.
        She’s a hyena who wanted to steal my life. She cannot have that!
        She’s just the trash lady – the janitor who picked up my garbage of a husband! Good riddance!

        Don’t ask me how I felt back then. The thought of any of them was raising demons I didn’t know I posses. That whole experience was a lesson in itself, about self control. It feels good to be out of that hellish pit of despair. I hope and strive for more.

        • She’s just the trash lady – the janitor who picked up my garbage of a husband! Good riddance!

          Love this. Stealing it.

  • You are freaking amazing Rarity and give us all hope that you can and will have an amazing life post being chumped if you’re willing to put in the work and embrace the good things in life. You have also not only set a fantastic example for your kids but have set the foundations for success. It’s bloody hard rising above shit like this but the best revenge you can have on fucktards like your ex is living well. You should give yourself a huge pat on the back – you rock!!

  • Rarity – I know this is an old post but I needed some inspiration today and I did a bit of a filter on archives and this came up. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to find your post.
    I am 47 and have 2 daughters – age 15 and 12 both of whom have genetic disorders. My 12 year old has NF1 and has learning issues (although is very bright in some ways) with ADHD, poor coordination, struggled a lot when younger and had a lot of different therapies, she doesn’t have any neurofibromas detected yet and my hope is this will continue. My 15 year old has Ehlers Danlos and, although it has always affected her (delayed motor milestones/gradually worsening pain) but recently it has exploded – she is in constant severe pain, so fatigued, headaches, autonomic dysfunction (causing dizziness). She also has OCD and for a long time severe school phobia – this we had finally gotten over with a lot of intervention and help with the school and she is happy there. Except now she is too tired and in pain to go, her OCD she is just used to. I have always done everything for them re: therapies, appointments and school issues. Ex has recently started coming to a few of these (impression management, of course) although when I emailed him about older daughter yesterday (including her also not being able to eat/losing weight and her hair falling out) his response was “gosh that is awful. I had noticed she hadn’t eaten much when she wasn’t here”. WTF! She doesn’t go to his very often – and yesterday ended up going for just 2 hours (supposed to be their fortnightly overnight visit), wouldn’t go at all if I didn’t make her (which I’m getting tired of doing).
    Ex left us last December and married OW in April. Older daughter, in particular, has struggled very much with this, not least because he had never built much of a relationship with the kids over the years anyway (although he is blind to this).
    Now I can stand back I am able to see he has always been emotionally and psychologically abusive, controlling and, at times, cruel. He has been so spiteful and cruel since we separated I feel like it will never end, particularly with regard to trying to alienate me from multiple people (hasn’t altogether worked but included work colleagues). All while he is off living his dream life with his new wife, I have had to sort selling our home, rehoming animals and supporting our 2 special needs children. He earns a fortune but spent all the assets but she owns her own home, so they will be able to buy something pretty fancy once her son stops refusing to move (yes, she as well as he, prioritises her own needs above those of her children although presents herself as holier than thou – they have a lot in common).
    Although he earns a great deal of money it was all spent (mostly by him – gross financial infidelity as well) and there is very little left in terms of any assets.
    I feel so hopeless. I am living in a rental (yes, I have a roof over my head) somewhere I would never have chosen to live, I do have a good job that I love in itself (although can only work part-time because of kids) but I work at same place as him where he has made also tried to alienate me although less successfully, and just hate having to see him there, also with his horrible smugness and creeping up to people when he has been so abusive to me for 20 years.
    I adore my children and it pains me terribly to see their struggles, but I also feel so trapped. Their school is great and we have therapy networks here so I couldn’t move. But I don’t really like the area we live in – in fact, I moved half way around the world to where we are. I do have friends but they are dropping away and I don’t have time to go out anyway, and old networks/family are half a world away. There are places I would move to – but I can’t.
    I feel like my life has come to something so pitiful – when I tried so hard to make it what I wanted. I have worked very hard all my life, academically, professionally and for my kids, I even tried hard with the sociopath, although I realise this was always a loser. I just feel spent and rung out.
    The other part of your post that really resonated with me was your quote by Shasta. My horse is called Shasta – after the book’s character. I have given up 4 of my 6 horses – I kept him for me/my girls and one pony for my younger daughter as it is something she is good at, but I think I am going to have to give them up too. Horses have been my main thing out of work for the last few years, with my girls, something I always wanted as a child and I have loved it. I know I have money for groceries etc and it may seem petty, but I feel like if they go, what do I have for a life? Living in an industrial area where I have few networks, no family, no interests of my own left (or time for them), have to work with a cruel and vindictive ex, probably won’t be able to afford to visit my family very often any more and have to single parent 2 special needs children. I am 47, have pretty well no pension and very little in assets.
    Just feeling rather hopeless and trapped. If my kids were grown (or even not special needs) I think I would move/make a fresh start, but I can’t. Feeling trapped and hopeless – having special needs kids adds a whole other dimension that most people have no idea what it feels like.
    I am nowhere near where you are and am feeling rather paralysed at the moment but hoping that, like you (and others – especially those with SN kids who posted) things will improve with time. I just wish it would hurry up!
    Power to you, you are definitely mighty!

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