Dear Chump Lady, Tell those wives to maintain their dignity

My moment of ENOUGH: It was a hot day in August, we were at a playground near my parents’ house so I could hand off our then 1 year old daughter to him. I had moved home 4 months prior after finding out about his year and a half relationship with “the only woman who really understood” him (a relationship that took place, conveniently, while I was preoccupied with my first real job after law school, being pregnant, and then new motherhood). I was still pick me dancing, hard, even though I had moved out of our home. I thought if only I gave him more space, gave him time to miss me, gave him the time to think about that he wanted, like he asked… he would see the light, right?!?
Back to the playground. We were there because he was too big of a pussy to come directly to my parents’ house because he couldn’t face my parents (who had been extraordinarily welcoming and kind to him during our 5 year relationship). We were going to start couples therapy the following day, which he kept calling “group therapy,” in order to help me better understand “how he could do this.” He wanted to get together and make a game plan for how “group therapy” would go. I was just happy he was showing interest in our relationship.
I don’t know what he said to make it click, but something finally did. I realized he was going to use the “group therapist” to break up with me. I realized he was still talking to the OW. I hadn’t asked about it in a month, but the last time I did he had said they weren’t speaking. I asked to see his text messages and he said no, they were none of my business anymore. I asked if he told her he loved her, and he didn’t answer. I asked if he was still fucking her, and he didn’t answer. I called him every name I could think of. I clarified that this wasn’t working not because we weren’t “compatible,” as he liked to say, but because he was choosing an affair over his family. I told him when our daughter asked and was old enough to know, I would tell her exactly what her father had done to break our family apart, and that even given the choice he had chosen other women over his wife and family. I was not going to lie for him, not ever again. He started crying. Not for me, not for our daughter, but for what our daughter would think of him. He was crying for himself, real big self pity tears, because, truth and consequences. And that is when I knew I was done. I found out later that afternoon that he had had the OW over to our house to play house with him, my daughter, and our dog. While I thought we were trying to reconcile. Who knows how many times. And he said I wouldn’t understand, because I “couldn’t possibly understand how lonely and isolated” he had been since I left. Double fucking done.

When I knew I was done took more than a “moment” because I had 25 years invested, 4 children, real estate, a professional relationship as colleagues and co-authors, friends, community. . . all aspects of my richly earned life that no whore could ever even fathom. But I’m speaking to you sister and brother chumps here — I don’t waste my breath on whores and their ilk,

I knew I was “done” when the following happened after Dday #1 (I will forevermore refer to as FreedomDay or “FDay”):

I realized that X could only have sex if he used viagra (he was 46) and even then his dick was small and limp — it felt like a disgusting wet noodle and made me sick;
X had terrible breath and I would gag if he tried to kiss me;
I worked hard at my job and have limitless opportunities to attain wealth and accolades if I want to;
My children love and respect me for how I conduct myself, which is sanely and calmly;
I can look myself in the eye in the mirror and hold my head high — I’m graceful and a lady, respectable, admirable and courageous in the face of adversity;
I have nothing to feel guilty about and I did nothing wrong to “cause” this calamity;
I have true friends who see right through abusive behavior;
I understand Narcissism and Cluster B traits and can identify that gaslighting and blameshifting is abuse;
I decided my life is precious to me and worth living the best I can;
I can control who I have in my life and if I am mistreated in ANY way, I can choose to cut those out of my life;
I can hire people to help me: kick ass lawyers, contractors, accountants, to name a few;
I have more interests than I have time to pursue but on my short list are climbing glacier topped volcanos in my backyard, paddleboarding, traveling, writing, learning new skills to expand my career opportunities;
As soon as I decided I was done with X’s shit, I had no less than 4 amazing single, available men asking me out on dates — they were all three FAR more accomplished, fitter, better looking, and mentally healthy than X will ever be;
The first time I had sex with my new partner after 25 years with X — and it was divine! Physically, he was so much finer (fitter, toned, happy, no ED problems, much larger than X, a much better, more attentive lover) and emotionally he satisfied me so much more than X ever did, even before FDay;
and
When the divorce trial was over and the Judge gave me every single thing I wanted and then 20% more and said that he wished he could give me more!
The timer rang: DONE DONE DONE DONE

Interestingly, “I knew I had enough” had nothing to do with the multiple OW (none knew about the others) specifically. Rather, it was when I realized that he is a horrible human being — no interest in having integrity; a depleted man proud of his depleted character and who depletes everyone around him — a parasite of massive proportions.

Until that moment, I spackled mightily because I had projected my own values onto the world (not just him). I genuinely assumed most people wanted to be good humans. In my “I knew I had enough” moment I had a cataclysmic paradigm shift.

On that day, my soul hurt that I had subjected myself and my kids to someone who emulated the worst of humanity. That was the moment I said “never again.”

Tempest… I guess my biggest “ah – ah” moment was the night ex mocked me while I was desperately crying… we were on the phone cause he did not want to see me… we had the wedding on “maybe” cause one day he was deeply in love with me… the other he was not in love any more. we were together since more than a decade… He did not want to talk with me every day cause he needed some “solo time” (aka, the ow’s vagina). One evening he mocked me… he mocked my pain. I was crying and he was saying stuff like “look at her… the little girl is crying… gne gne gne… why can’t just be happy for me taking my time?”. Something inside me changed. A couple of days after that evening I went no contact. And I remain in silence for a week or ten days. Wedding was cancelled. He did not call me either. When we talked again the day after I cancelled everything. He was mad at me. He told me he did not miss me, he told me he loved someone else. I did not cry. I dumped him. I dumped him in that moment, by phone, without breaking a single tear. He was the one crying… telling me bullshit like “please be happy” and shit like these. I blocked him. Two years and an half passed since that day. He tried to contact me a couple of times and lmaooo… the OW started stalking me (talking of bat shit crazy). But I never reply, never checked, never even consider him again. That night, the night he mocked and made fun of my pain, I decided he was dead. He has been dead for me ever since.
Emm@

When I saw what it was doing to my kids, I knew I had to leave. But now I find myself in another quandary related to yesterday’s post (couldn’t join in because of work). As many of you may have gathered from my posts, my X is old and suffers form a medical condition that is worsening over time. My kids were not old enough to make the necessary decisions about his care at the time of our split, and a trust was set up with marital funds to pay for his care. This trust greatly benefits my kids; I have a separate trust. But someone still needs to mange that care and that person is me. X’s family would have robbed him (and my kids) blind. It really isn’t that much work and I do not have to interact with X at all.

My kids are getting older, but most of them are still in school and trying to establish themselves in their careers. They love their dad, but are well aware of his shortcomings as a human being. I am gently trying to transfer my role to them, but they are very resistant. These are often not easy decisions and ultimately, a decision will have to be made to terminate his treatment. Again, I think I will know when the time has come, and I would always involve the kids in that decision. How hard to I push my kids to take over or should I just let it be? The youngest is a freshman in college and the oldest is just out of graduate school. Losing their dad is going to be tough enough without the guilt that they didn’t “do enough.” I have long ago made my peace with the death of my marriage but, as a caring human being, I am struggling to force my kids into a role that I know will end in their father’s death.

Thank you Tempest! You got it!

Thank you Tempest, the woman (or whatever she is…) is making me sick…

I knew I had enough when, instead of “just” lying to me, he lied to our son in order to talk to his Crazy Bitch : I met a lawyer the next day.
He did certainly lie before that specific moment to our children, but I knew the truth, and had proof then…

Moment I knew I had enough was before I confronted him directly. He had just returned from a fuckfest with the LT MOW. The dude is so disordered he could ,and still does to my kids:( , seamlessly lie to my face without a twitch. Gads. And gross because I then dug around a bit and found their xhamster porn and scripture shares.