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Your Nominees for the Mighty Award

Inspired by Dianne Bentley, the badass who sent the governor of Alabama to his doom, today’s Friday challenge is tell Chump Nation about the champion chumps who inspire you. What unsung heroes should we know about? Do you have a great-grandmother who left a cheater and gained a life? A friend who walked this path before you? Someone you read about once and marveled that if they got out of a horrendous situation, you can too?

We’re all about sharing stories here and helping fellow chumps new to the infidelity clusterfuck. Who is your chump inspiration?

And if you don’t like this assignment, you can suggest creative ways ex-gov Bentley could be doing his community service. (Cleaning cages at the zoo? Window washing without the scaffolding? Picking trash up along the highway as people hurl it at his head?)

TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I have no unsung heroes in my life, I come from a long line of shit eaters. Since finding this site CL and everyone here are my heroes. Reading about people surviving things that seem impossible gives me hope. You also restore my faith in humanity to know that there are still people of great character out there. You all rock!

    • Newdaydawning,
      YES, everyday heros, CL, CN!
      Whether a person is religious or not, Spring, Easter, offer a time of new beginnings and hope.
      Chumps are the kind of people who reach out to others in times of need.
      I applaud your choice of unsung heros and second the motion!
      Wishing everyone a happy, peaceful Easter week-end.

    • There are good people newdaydawning. It takes a while for us chump to learn how to discern.

      Recently, a friend of 10 years had their 30th birthday party, & posted it on instagram.

      I wasn’t invited.

      I’m not upset. I just unfriended from all social media accounts & deleted his number.

      Before doing so, I did message him to wish him a happy bday and state that I would have loved to have celebrated with him. He responded by saying the gathering was only small and that his birthday was in 2 days time.

      Not sad. Not angry. Willing & prepared to move on the first sign. I only surround myself that treat me well and who reciprocate my affection, care, time and consideration.

    • Me too with that long line of shit eaters. The line ends here, and my daughter will see only mighty 🙂

  • The mightiest woman I know has to be my cousin. She eloped while in college and pregnant with her first child. Her second came along 13 months later and 18 months after second daughter, her third daughter arrived. Six months later her husband abandoned her. My cousin is a beautiful woman with the ferocity of a tiger. With her mother’s help, she went on to get her Master’s Degree and teach. Then she was offered a PR job for the city of New York and she held a very high position until she retired 3 years ago. But there were HUGE bumps in the road. Her youngest daughter was killed in a car accident during her first semester of college— a few weeks before Christmas. Then grandma died on the operating table just a month later at the age of 62; grandpa died 9 months later. Cousin managed to pull herself together and plow through. Then her eldest hit a rough spot because of the deaths and had to be hospitalized, but cousin still kept on moving. Cousin then lost her only sibling to cancer and MS.

    Cousin has to biggest influence. She has managed to overcome all the tragedies and is now a grandmother to two beautiful girls. She is retired and travelling and just turned 70. She is a GORGEOUS woman from the inside out and she happens to be one of the funniest people I know. My children find comfort in her presence. Easter Sunday will be held at her house once again and we will all gather and remember those who have passed and celebrate our survival!

    • Wow, Mom9191, that is an incredible story! Your cousin sounds amazing, and a true inspiration for surviving and thriving after the adversity she’s experienced. What a great example of a truly strong woman!

    • Your cousin is a true inspiration of grit and fortitude! How she could forge on in the face of such pain and disappointment is amazing!

  • I think Jill Cummings,Tad Cummins wife is pretty mighty. She has filed for divorce and is dealing with this whole situation in the public eye She admitted she still loves Tad but that he has betrayed her trust to the point where it’s totally broken. I know it should seem easy and obvious that she would divorce him but I still think she showed a lot of class in her interviews with the media.

  • My mom. She is an immigrant, was married young to a sociopath and serial cheater. He swooned her into marriage and then immediately commenced his emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. She had 4 children in 5 years and he moved her out into the country away from her close family and friends. After 10 years of putting up with his bullshit, she filed for divorce. Her Roman Catholic family did not agree, he flew in my grandparents from Europe to try to get her to change her mind (it was the only time in my grandfather’s nearly 85 years he ever flew on a plane – to convince my mom not to divorce my dad), they had priests calling her warning her she would be doomed to eternal damnation. She did it anyway.

    She got immensely screwed during the divorce proceedings. He did not have to pay nearly what he should have. But she didn’t care. She, an immigrant with no high school diploma – started working outside the home. She worked 2-3 jobs from then on (and she still does). She supported the home, she raised 4 girls that all graduated with honors and went on to college, something she would never, ever do. She let us see him, even though he caused her such great pain. As time went on the time became less and less (his choice, of course).

    As adults we have decided to cut him out of our lives. He’s a toxic, awful human, and he never deserved my mom or us. It’s been 2 years since I had a conversation with him, and I don’t miss him at all. My mom showed me what it means to be mighty, and now I will show my son the same.

        • 12YearsWasted, YESSSSS! My Mum, too. Also an immigrant, without a high school education. Kicked my father to the curb after 19 years of marriage, and 4 kids. She was a little luckier than yours though, she did get a good settlement (Dad was still in the guilt phase, and she got more than 50%!) But we are all university educated, three out of four of us are contributing human beings (my middle brother is a functioning alcoholic, who is trying to turn his life around, arriving home from his second marriage in Europe – essentially ending his marriage as his wife will not join him here – to be there for his two young daughters who recently lost their mother in an horrific car crash.)

          Point is, she left him anyway. Despite not being able to balance a chequebook (hey, it was the 80s, it was an essential life skill back in the day ;-).) Still had two kids at high school, and she moved away to a city she had never lived in, and did an amazing job, employed in a couple of jobs she loved, eventually finding a perfect fit for her in healthcare, investing, remarrying later, a lovely man, and ALWAYS being there for us. She did it with so much grace and strength, insisting we not lose our relationship with our father, despite his shortcomings. We didn’t get spackle though, we knew the real story, without any editorialising. We made up our own minds about him. He admits now that if it weren’t for her, none of us would have a relationship with him, whatever the state of it may be. She was mighty AF. Modelled self respect like a BOSS. And, she did share some of how much it hurt, but acknowledged it and carried on.

          Your mother has huge kudos in my book, 12Years!

          • WOW! I am (nearly) speechless!

            12years & horses…..Thank both of you so much for sharing your Moms’ experiences with us!

            I am awed by the accounts that are being shared here today! None of us would have ever known of these magnificent humans had Tracy not ‘birthed’ this amazing Nation & asked this question today.

            So much to learn from those who have trod this road ahead of us…..My love to all of them and to all of you here at this amazing Nation

        • THAT is some nuclear powered Mighty! I stand in awe!

          Butcha know? All of you are too. When it comes to these kinds of situations ya gotta remember, it’s a Marathon, not a Sprint. And you all are for the most part currently running a personal 26 miler-with panache and tenacity. I’ve head people often say crisis and adversity inform Character but when it comes to adults, I disagree: IMO, crisis and adversity reveal Character.

          Mighty never recognizes itself. The least I can do is salute all of you for your Courage as well as your Mighty. Wish I could hand out some Easter chocolate instead of fluids at my cyber water station! 🙁

    • Your Mummy is an example of a true lady. Her character, morals and heart shines through. What a woman. Her legacy is the brilliant opportunities she created for her 4 girls. x

  • And the lady who writes this blog. Back when I was depressed and sad, she wrote a column on co parenting (one that used a hostage metaphor for drop off with ex) that made me laugh so hard…it was helpful to get me out of the self pity. Thank you!

  • Everyone here is a true inspiration. When it comes to this topic, They are the mightiest. We all come here at various stages of chumphood and there’s such true love and real pain here And even though we’re all dealing with our own shit, we still try to lift each other up. It’s just an amazing bunch of women and men. Starting at the top. Thanks Tracy.

    • Totally agree with you….I find so much strength here. Im grateful to see it and to read about everyone’s experiences.

  • My grandmother’s aunt. She was the first person in our family to get a divorce back in the 1920s. I don’t know if he cheated on her or not, but he did murder a man a year after the divorce, so he can’t have been a winner. I just keep telling myself that if she could divorce a murderer back then and go on to a long and happy second marriage, then I should be able to get rid of my serial cheater lying husband easy.

    (Her second husband was a bootlegger, but at least he treated her right.)

  • And me. In a rocking badass mom. I completely financially support my children and just lost 20 pounds. And yes…no partner. But great job, great friends, great kids, great church…holding out for a partner who is one.

  • I will give a shout-out to people who muster the bravery to report their sexual assaults and see the cases all the way through.

    Did you know that identified victims of child pornography must, by law, be notified every time someone is caught with one of their images? Can you imagine the nightmare of getting all of those letters for the rest of your life?

    Did you know that the assistance money that goes to crime victims must be counted as income?

    Did you know that if the victim or abuser bears a child, most often the other person has the same parental rights as a consensual partner?

    Any person who lives through that nightmare and keeps on getting out of bed every damned day is a total hero in my book. Elizabeth Smart. Jaycee Dugard. Victims of church leaders. Etc. Etc. Etc.

    • Agree wholeheartedly. The backlash on victims is horrendous. From the “hear no evil, see no evil” crowd to the “but he’s such a nice guy” crowd to the “what did you do to provoke it” crowd … the attitudes against the victim can become worse than the abuse itself. (And, that isn’t even touching the topic of the horrendous laws, which, I believe, were largely created by people in the aforementioned “crowds.”)

      People who are able to withstand the backlash in order to secure justice are as extraordinary as they are mighty.

    • Thank you. I’d rather not be the subject of today’s topic. I’m greedy for the badass grandmother stories. 🙂

      I served a VERY short sentence with a cheater. I’m a rank amateur compared with most of you. In fact, the only reason I think I can write about it or keep up with this place is because I did serve a short sentence (D-Day was 6 months after my marriage, divorced over a year later) — and it was all a decade ago now. Distance.

      • Distance. But it doesn’t go away. And noww you’re using it as a positive. So I’m sorry but you will get a lot o Mighty Awards today. ?

      • Well, my mom’s mom was a beater cheater. My grandma left him in about 1936, opened a health food store (that is still there), and raised three kids all by herself. She never considered marrying again. She said that if she chose badly once she would probably do it again. She had men in her life, but she stayed fiercely independent.

        Badass Grandma. 🙂

        • “She had men in her life, but she stayed fiercely independent.”

          Yes!!!! A badass grandma indeed! I love this story. THAT is the narrative I’m trying to live out as an example for my teenage girls. It can be wonderful to be in a healthy committed relationship, but you don’t need to be in a relationship to have a totally kick ass life!

        • My great-great grandmother burned down the local brothel after she found her husband patronizing the establishment. (No one was hurt.) Then she went home and packed all of his clothes and left them outside their farmhouse in a burlap bag. The bag was gone the next morning and he was never seen in town again, which I guess is the 1920s version of divorce. She ran the farm and raised two children by herself.

  • We had a much talked about divorce in our small town where the husband was a successful business man and his wife a home maker to their three daughters. He was always running around on her and she kept him anyway throughout their long marriage.
    One day he came home and asked for divorce and just left for another woman. She was a younger real estate agent. He married her and bought her a new jag. She took all his money and divorced him. He in return went back to first wife and wanted her back. She didn’t take him back and later on married a nice man. Last anyone heard from husband was he was broke and single and daughters wouldn’t talk to him.

  • All you chump heroes please keep your inspirational survival stories coming! I am at the beginning of the divorce process and the lawyer didn’t sugar coat it when he said it will be the most traumatizing thing you have ever been through. Last night two of my sons went to stbx’s for dinner and their stories let me know he is reeling with narcissistic rage. He bad mouthed me and said I have the most bloodsucking attorney in town. I know this is because of his loss of control but he has played on my weakness for 28 plus years and resisting is hard.

    He tells my sons they will only hear his side of the story in front of a therapist or judge- what the h does that mean? He blames me for everything. Sound familiar?

    My son referred to his scnoopie as his bitch and he thought it was going to get physical- I am surprised it didn’t.

    He told them he wasn’t going to give them our small motor boat to keep at our house this year because he is not welcome here. We moved to the water just so our kids could have that “playground” and they used that boat almost every day last summer after he left. He used it once to take schnoopie on a cruise when I was out of town and told my sons not to tell me. He has a sport fishing boat which he keeps at the ocean and spends the majority of his free time and money there. He just bought his Harley which cost more than our little boat. I am considering buying a boat for us but he has cut off money and we are living off my savings right now and with lawyer fees… I think I have a good lawyer and he will protect me but right now it is scary.

    Your stories are helping me stay strong but it ain’t easy.

    Btw, they asked him about his “DEADBT” license plate last night and he said it was deadbait- fishing related. Moron, no one reads it that way- even my sons who are fishermen!

    • Ugh. Good luck to you as you get through this (and you will). That is too fitting to believe, the “DEADBT” license plate. It’s like “Bro, do you even see yourself?”

      • Bahahaha! Sorry, Feelingit, your story is not at all funny. Quite the opposite. But, his explanation of the plate. FFS! I am also a fisher, and we never refer to bait as deadbait. Livebait, yes (which I am totally opposed to – think it is terribly cruel) but no, bait is bait. Why would you want to be known as deadbait, anyway? Loser of the highest order. Hang tight, I hope your lawyer gives you confidence, does a kick-arse job, and that you can get the mess sorted ASAP so you don’t run those savings into the ground. And to save what’s left of your sanity!You can do this!

        • I hope that your attorney pulls his ass in court forcing him to pay you temporary support during the divorce and support for your sons if they are still at home and in school/college. As for the boats, he has to force him to give the small boat back to the boys. It pisses me off that they take items just to hurt you. The narc took my quilt made by my grandmother and given to me. I never let that quilt go. Finally when he wanted his hunting items and his winter clothes my attorney said only if you bring back the quilt with no harm done to it. I got it and it stunk like he had laid extremely dirty clothes on it with extreme body odor. It took several washings. BTW, I am finally one month Ana a day divorced. I got the retirement, cash settlement to buy a cabin in the mountains near my relatives and friends. I will be just enough in the country for my own piece of mind and to continue fostering hounds. The man I am purchasing it from was loyal and grieving. His wife died in a beautiful, well loved cabin. He closed the door and left because he couldn’t bear living there without her. He wants it sold and I am finally starting to get over my grieving of almost 20 down the drain. My dogs and I need a fresh start. I held on for two years and he lost face with his family and the medical community over what he did. The men have lost full respect for him in the church. He made his bed. I have been helped so quickly to get my ass off the farm, move items to storage. My dogs and I are staying with friends. I am getting to close on my cabin as soon as everything is inspected. The seller will pay for repairs, plus, I can buy things from him like tools, canning supplies, dining table, book case. Windows are everywhere and everywhere you look it is beautiful nature. Trees, mountains and a dirt road. There are two outbuildings. One can be storage for tools, etc and the other could be a guest cabin for my horse buddies. ?❤️. I think that we will be closing om May 1. WOW! Plus, one of his attorneys asked me for the keys to the farm. I told him that I would give them to my attorney as soon as he provides the title to my truck. Yes, God has His own vengeance. Have a great day! Happy Easter to those who celebrate and Happy Spring to everyone. My prayer is that each of you. Male or female, holds steady, endures and comes out on top no matter how many teeth you have to pull out of them. Remember it was never your fault. Despite the tears and pain which make you stronger, they never can care about anyone. The narc was also the sociopath. Walk away coward. The song, ‘That Boy’s Just A Runaway Joe” , true, fitting words.

    • I’m so sorry that you and your sons have to deal with it the narcissistic rage. Once that masks slips, it gets ugly. I truly hope your narc flips channels soon … self-pity and charm are manipulative and no fun to deal with, but they aren’t nearly as scary.

    • I’m glad you have a “bloodthirsty” lawyer! That license plate has to be some sort of Freudian slip 🙂

    • Chump-tastic

      The only thing you can do in my opinion is to teach them to set boundaries with dad. I’m not sure of their ages so if they are young I would get them into counceling, doccument and speak to your attorney. Getting into the drama of the boat is sick on his part. Ignore.

    • Feelingit – I feel ya. So difficult to see the kids being jerked around like that. My suggestion is to beg, borrow and steal to find the money to get those boys a boat for the summer. Even if you have to borrow it. My bet is that once DEADBT realizes that play is not going to bother you he will back-peddle and say he never intended for them not to have the boat and blame you. But it will send a message.

      • Fern, I totally agree. Maybe she could give the boys a small budget and let them put it together. A learning experience. The husband is clearly baiting you for kibble with this boat drama, don’t take the bait!

      • Thanks all of you! You are so right – ignore and move on is best! Begging for that boat would be kibble. I am going to find a way to get us our own boat. He will hate that we don’t need him. I am sure our boat will be “marital property” as he likes to say whereas the other one is “his boat”. He has informed me he knows all about the law and contracts. He has been around the world twice and talked to everybody twice. How was I so blind to his narcissism? It will be ok though, I think my lawyer has been around the world once and talked to everybody three times.

        Self talk think Dianne Bentley, dianne Bentley…trust he sucks, chump power,

  • Jesus…yes, Him. Only ONE other person that I know has ever had the courage to escape their abusers/cheaters…and she did it by the guidance of the Lord too. Jesus prepared me for freedom from my own cheater/abuser. He opened my eyes to the gas lighting early on, the cold trails of adultery that cheater thought he hid so well, and gave me the emotional and mental strength to focus on a plan of action over the course of several years. He prepared my heart and my finances long before I found Chump Lady, but through Chump Lady, I gleaned even more focus on how to implement some of the finer details…like the legal aspects to consider living in a no fault state, and being as smart as a fox but as gentle as a dove so as not to upset the apple cart until I was ready to do so. He sometimes woke me up in the middle of the night to give me direction on how to build up my business and to complete the bigger projects at my home…not ever realizing that I would be the one who would be able to keep it.

    My 86yr old mother and I were estranged for over ten years (long story)…but right before cheater left, the Lord put in my heart totally out of the blue one day, to make some Chinese steamed buns and take them to her (her favorite)…such a simple thing to do, but that was the day that I showed up on her door step and I found her crying her eyes out surrounded by moving boxes. All those years of estrangement melted away like a vapor. Turns out that she had just sold her house to move to another State to live with my brother…and the day I showed up was her actual moving day. That day, she gave me $30K as a parting gift simply “because I showed up and gave her a plate of her favorite food”, and she asked me to go and visit her which I have been doing since. I did not know what was happening in her life…all I know is that my heart wanted to bring her something and see her regardless of our “stand off”. THAT money (that I did not tell cheater about) ended up being THE only ticket I had to negotiate and make an offer/settlement to cheater with so that he would be willing to let me buy him out of the house.

    Then one day a few months later, I was ready to pull the trigger…only I did not have to. Cheater is the one who suddenly ran like his hair was on fire after getting caught red faced trying to hook up with his latest AP. With just the clothes on his back and $25K of that money, he left me with everything I ever worked for and with my own business intact which I had been building while he was focused on thinking of new ways for getting his dick shined by strange.

    I could not have had the state of mind or the foresight to have done most of this without the Lord’s gentle guidance.

    • Sweetz, love this! I was thinking the same. It is Good Friday after all. Just love your touching story about reconciling with your mother and being delivered from your cheater!!!

      I was somewhat estranged from my mom most of my life (due to her substance abuse) but was able to reunite with her and take care of her for her last 2 weeks on this earth. That was a long time ago, but I have not forgotten how the Good Lord saw me through that time!

  • As a former Alabama resident, I can think of a hundred tasks or more that Governor Itchydrawers could undertake to repay his debt to those who elected him in good faith. That state needs everything! However, the answer is obvious:

    He’s a medical doctor, and there are more sick people there than anyplace else I’ve ever been. Access to health care is spotty and insufficient, particularly among people of color, and poor rural folks. Perhaps he could open a free clinic, doing check ups, giving vaccinations, treating the types of everyday ailments that poor people don’t visit the doctor for but yet which make them miserable. Well child checks, screenings, yearly exams…Bentley is our guy! This clinic needs to be in a rural area or a poor side of a larger town, or better yet, make it a clinic on wheels! He could be in the Africatown section (yes, that is a real place with a fascinating history!) of Mobile one day, and in the rural area of Escambia county the next. Then he could head north, then around, then back down south, covering all areas of the state. There is this sad little city in the north of the state, Gadsden, where the people have all but given up. Those good folks would welcome a nice free clinic.

    Perhaps getting to meet and help people with actual lives and real problems would help the good doctor find his way back to some humility. Maybe help him to see the opportunity for affecting changes he squandered for a roll in the hay. And, it would be a great way to serve God, as Dr. Bentley claims a relationship with Him.

    I personally think it’d a great solution. By and large, the people there are a warm and forgiving lot. They deserve so much better than what they get. I’m getting choked up, remembering the vast pockets of need I witnessed during my years living and working there.

    • Alexandra – you should be made a Judge! Now THAT is a fitting “punishment” for the good Gov. But of course if he really was a godly man it wouldn’t phase him at all would it. Able to do good because of his skills. But nah, I don’t think that will happen. Those bastards are only godly to suit their purpose. I live in France and it is like the “champagne socialists” up for election right now. Talk the talk but none of them walk the walk.

      • Lol at champagne socialists – I once met a guy at a party who was a socialist but only if it meant he got what his older brother had. He wasnt interested in raising everyone to a basic standard, he wanted the big house, fancy car etc.

  • A thought just popped into my head that I am impulsively sharing. In the Bible after Jesus is resurrected, He says: Why do you seek the living among the dead? In our cases, I think we chumps could say: why do you seek rational answers among the disordered?

  • My own grandmother in the ’20’s–she divorced my grandfather who was abusive and breaking the law (think “Bonnie & Clyde wannabe”) and worked in the fields chopping cotton, etc., with two very small children. Tough times.

    Then my own mother who was forced to divorce an abusive and philandering husband and try to support three small children on pennies per day. She found a good man when I was about 12 y.o., and although he was an alcoholic, he never was abusive or unfaithful, and they were happily married (after he quit drinking) until he died 37 years later.

    With these strong women in my life I was able to walk away from abusive and/or cheating husbands (three times!! Needed to fix my picker!) and prosper.

    Then, there’re the heroic women here who rise up and strive and go on to do better and better.

  • I will say. I come from a family of Indians where the elder generation are conservative and have very strong family values. I know several women including my mother who put up with abusive, alcoholics, violent men. But they all stayed in the marriage because they all had kids. Back then most didn’t work so they were financially dependent. But when I was getting a divorce last year and I broke the news to some of my close relatives, 2 of my aunts really surprised me. They were so supportive and applauded me moving on while I was still young (relatively) and were Very encouraging. One of them confided that if she could she would have too. The Uncles are now passed on. But I can’t imagine what thesr women went through and how they felt every single day living in that kind of marriage. I applaud them for the strong women they are.

  • Here’s an oldie but a goodie. My 3x great aunt Kris divorced her husband of 4 years in 1862 – a time and a place (the ‘old country’) when such things were almost unheard of. She struggled in poverty raising her daughter for years and then at the age of 41 got on a boat along with her daughter and headed for North America, where she ended up about as far from ‘home’ as one could imagine….a dusty prairie city in 1876! That took guts and determination. Kris not only survived, she thrived, learned to speak English, worked tirelessly and eventually managed to buy her own home. She was well known in her community for helping other immigrants in many ways, including taking food to newcomers who were temporarily housed near the railway station, and speaking on the role of women at public functions. She was a pistol….died in 1917. I think of her when the going gets tough.

  • My personal hero and path to Meh guide these days is SDChump from this here website, whom I now consider a good friend. It’s not my place to tell her story, but her entire life has been Bullshit Handled with Grace and Finesse.

    I love that she’s getting on with life and love, and handling her business. I love the tact and self care she employs choosing whom to date. I love her fierce commitment to her child. I love that she calls the ex’s racist girlfriend Sack of Onions, I want to be her when I grow up.

  • Definitely my momma. She married my narcissistic, serial cheating dad at 16 and had seven kids by the time she was 30. She found out she had stage 3 breast cancer at 32 and my dad told her not to get treatment! Like he was going to take care of us, including my brother with muscular dystrophy. She handled chemotherapy with zero help from him. When he moved out and stopped paying for anything (he made over 200k, and this was in the 80’s), she lawyered up and moved us from Alaska to Texas to be near her family. My brother passed away 6 months after we moved, but she kept moving forward. She didn’t even have a high school diploma, but she pulled herself up and put herself through nursing school. Though we were so incredibly poor (thanks to my dad never paying child support!), she made sure we had every advantage available. She cleaned the ballet studios so my sister and I could take classes. She applied for scholarships, lived off student loans and foodstamps, shopped at garage sales, but never let us feel like we were living in poverty. I swear she should write a book! My 4 surviving brothers are all succesful, amazing husbands and incredible fathers. My sister also became an RN and is married to a great guy. Every one of us has an incredible work ethic thanks to the example my mom modeled. We are spread out from Alaska to Texas, but we get together every year and even my Grandmother and Aunt from my dad’s side join us, but my dad isn’t even considered as part of the group. Knowing my mom survived all the crap she did and came out better because of it, I know that it can be done! I mean really. I only have 2 kids!

    • BestofMe – Wow, what an incredible story of not survival, but victory – all the hardships she went through and what an example she set for you guys – and the fact that all the kids appreciate everything she did. Your mom definitely is worthy of one of the mightiest women ever. Brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing your story

    • It has been very hard to chose. But, with much doubt and hesitation due to so many equally deserving inspiring stories, BestofMe’s mom gets my vote for Mighty Inspiration. I’ll never again complain about anything ever.

      ImAPhool does have an important point when she honors her the memory of her aunts, who were in a cultural situation so hard to break apart from. I know from my family’s similar situation.

      I come from a long line of chumps who, at the same time, were mighty and honest and good examples for me. My great-grandmother was the first female teacher in her state (back in the 1890’s), teachers earned a very good salary in those days and there was no gender bias. A whole batch of young girls were becoming well-paid teachers and this attracted my greatgrandfather’s bankrupt, slave-owning family to this golden egg-laying hen. My great-grandmother obeyed her immigrant parents and married him. He NEVER worked a day in his life and cheated on my great-grandmother with women and financiaces his whole life. But her daughters (one of them my grandmother) all married wonderful, respectful men.

      My great-grandmother also taught her sons to respect women. One of her sons was studying pharmacy far from his home town and he rented an apartment in which he inherited the furniture and “appliances”, which really amounted to a young, poor and beautiful girl who took care of his every need. Every need… My great-grandmother found out, packed a suitcase with a whip and made what was a two day trip in those days. She whipped my very suprised great-uncle and said that no woman should be treated that way, dragged him to the city hall and church and made him marry the girl. This aunt was a good soul, always cheerful, and her marriage helped her family, her niece became a scientist, got her PhD in the USA.

  • When I first separated and was so devastated, several friends and acquaintances who I know through church, work and other groups I belong to, came forward and told me their stories of losing a cheater and gaining a life. I had no idea so many of them had had such awful experiences. They were such amazing, strong, kind women. They so inspired me by their sharing, that I was better able to carry on and go through all the nonsense and devaluing of my spirit that came from my cheater. I now join their ranks of the mighty women who are in this world, doing good and not relying on someone else to make their lives good. I should pin a badge on the lapel of each one of them.

  • Obviously, the mighty and resplendent Chump Lady, my darling wife. And though you may think she is a blessing in your life, you can’t imagine the blessing she is in mine. And also my mother, who raised five kids under very difficult circumstances. And also her mother, who divorced a drinker and a gambler in 1936 despite the glowering disapproval of the Catholic Church. But especially HER mother, my great-grandmother, another amazing immigrant (from Italy), whose story of overcoming loss and prospering is told beautifully by one of my sisters (herself awfully mighty) here: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/column-4-lineage

    Cheers to all the triumphant underdogs, and those earnestly working to join their ranks!

  • My sister is my role model. And she’s my little sister, by five years. Over 20 years ago, her university professor husband started having an affair with the babysitter, who was also one of his undergraduate students. He was 40, girl was 20. My sis’s kids were 1 and 3 at the time. Her cheater left her for the OGirl. My sister had worked, but quit when they moved from New Hampshire to Washington state for the cheater’s job. So she’d been a stay-at-home mom for a couple of years.

    When she was discarded, she didn’t get alimony or child support, because they shared custody equally, but she did get the house (and the mortgage). She started working in a menial job and of course was poverty stricken. The cheater and the OGirl did fine financially.

    My sis decided that it was in the interest of the kids that she get along with her x and the OGirl, since all three of them would be raising the kids. She put aside her own hurt and bitterness to do this, eventually getting to the point where she could invite OGirl in for a glass of wine when she came to pick up the kids. Her x and OGirl eventually got married and had a baby.

    Sis also kept her nose to the grindstone and finally worked her way up to her dream job a few years ago. She is now a highly respected expert in educational policy in Washington state, finally making good money.

    During this time, she was also diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, which keeps her in pain a lot of the time.

    Her kids grew up happy and healthy, knowing they were loved by all three parents in their lives. My sister says today that her x and his OGirl and their son are all part of her family. In fact, I went with all of them on a big trip to Easter Island a couple of years ago. I was the only one at all uncomfortable with the situation, all the rest of them were clearly a family. So I figured if my sis could forgive her x, I could too (forgive HER x, that is, not mine!)

    My sister tells me that karma visits everyone. She says that her x and OGirl are their own karma, whatever that may entail. Sis is extremely content with her own life, and a very serene person. She has been key in helping me through my own cheating trauma.

    My little sister is my hero!

      • It sounds to me like the sister continued to eat the shit sandwiches served up by her ex and his underage slut, but then again, I’m this big meanie with a pretty strong shield of self esteem, and a functional bullshit detector. That scenario would not have worked for me.

        And of course, it’s “for the chiiiiiiildreeeeen.” I’d rather show my own kids that if someone hurts you, they don’t get to remain a part of your life, dictating the terms.

        But hey, whatever works for her, I suppose.

        • Amen!
          Poor woman, lived in poverty after divorce and ex and under aged slut we’re doing ok. Here, let me invite you to class of wine, you wonderful girl! What, its okay, I just martyr my way forward.
          The saddest story of all, and lots of kibble and control for ex and slutty, cheers.

  • My nominee is my ex sister-in-law, who stayed in my life after she divorced my good-for-nothing oldest brother, who was both verbally and physically abusive. Her story is amazing. When she was small, her own abusive father ultimately killed her mother right in front of her, by deliberately hitting her mom with a car. So, she saw her mother murdered, and then grew up motherless, with her father jailed. She worked hard, always. Was popular and athletic in high school, and the put herself through college. Her big mistake was marrying my brother, who carried on all of our father’s abusive ways. They had two kids together, a boy and a girl. When the boy was maybe eight or nine and the girl five or so, my brother punched my SIL saw hard that she was knocked completely out for awhile. Kids saw it all. That was the end for her. She got her shit together and left. Got virtually nothing in the divorce. Son refuses to talk to her to this day, as does my mom. Yup. The family spin was that my SIL was the problem, which is obviously and patently false. Relationship with daughter continues, but is strained. She went on to marry a gem of a guy who treats her as she has always deserved to be treated, with unfailing respect. Oh, and somewhere in there, she also battled colon cancer, and not only survived, but thrived. In short, she kicks ass. When I went to college, she was the one who took me to campus, showed me how to get around, let me in on all of the secrets to freshman survival. Very generous and loving woman, plus fun and funny. So glad I kept her in the divorce, and so glad that she always reaches out to me, without fail. She is something special, and deserves all of the happiness she has found, and much, much more. I’m grateful, too, to know at least one person who actually witnessed the sickness of my FOO firsthand. She gets it, and that is invaluable.

    • Wow, Cashmere. That story took my breath away. Very glad you had someone of that strength and caliber on your side, and so sorry that she had to test her strength with all those horrific events and betrayals in her life.

      • Yup. You know it is bad when you are trying to talk someone out of getting married on the eve of her wedding. But, with her, there’s total grasp of exactly what it meant to grow up in my family–parents alternately violent and absent, pervasive fear, financial wealth but emotional poverty. I suppose now I can see that part of why I was able to stick this thing out for so long is that, as awful as it was, I had experienced worse in some ways. On the other hand, the lying and gaslighting were not a thing for me growing up, so that was an entirely new brand of abuse that I did not grasp at all. What I had learned is that absence of the difficult person was far easier to deal with than volatile presence. Was definitely easier for me on every level–caring for kids, house, yard, dog, myself–when cheater boy was gone, which he usually was. I had to be trained into that, and I was.

  • I have a double nomination. The first is my deceased grandmother that from the stories I have heard, kicked out her alcoholic abusive husband and raised 5 daughters. I only met him once. She worked everyday in a cotton mill until retirement and after that my dad built her a house in exchange for land land her family owned in order to get her in a safer location. They owned hundreds of acres that has dwindled and been sold for homes and subdivisions.
    My brothers all received parts of this property. One lost his in a divorce which my ex yelled that I should talk with my brother to see how losing a home feels because we are selling ours. My oldest brother never married or had kids and was protective over me. He was the only person perceptive enough or brave enough to voice his disgust over exs treatment toward us. Three months after he gave me his blunt opinion he died unexpectedly leaving me enough money to hire a lawyer and I ended up getting his property. So my brother is my second nomination by making me no longer feel the abuse was invisible.
    This ties together because when I walk around here I feel grounded and supported by past family. My strong grandmother, my vocal and supportive brother, and my dad who made the land arrangement, wanted us safe, and at 89 ys old helped us move here in the middle of the night. This turned into a triple nomination.

  • My everyday hero is our own Tessie, who for me stands for all the women who have survived husbands and partners who have used violence, terror, and even murder to subjugate them and their children.

    • Yes! Excellent choice. 🙂

      I will be grateful (for the rest of my life) for Tessie’s willingness to share her story. She ended up being the angel whispering in my ear when my own situation became dangerous. Her story came quickly to mind and was one of the few things that allowed me to see the situation for what it was – and to act accordingly.

      While I remain vigilant, my girls and I are safe — and Tessie played an important part in making that happen.

    • Holy Buckets everyone! You all brought me to tears! I have been feverishly packing and moving stuff into my motorhome and haven’t had time to keep up here…And when I do…..OMG… I feel so honored! Thank you all so much for the huge compliment, but you all have to know that I consider each and every one of you my own personal heroes/heroines. You all show so much courage, strength, and a willingness to keep on keeping on getting that cheater free life even when the process is pure hell. So many times you all have lifted my spirits and made me chuckle, just when I really needed it. In a very real sense all of you have been, and continue to be my teachers.

      Oh and one more thing, and this is so important to me. The fact that my story has helped keep someone safe, warms my heart and helps to transform something horrific into a blessing. Bless you all!

  • I want to be mighty, but I can’t stop crying. I’m hurting so badly. I still can’t believe this is happening. I can’t stop and feel like this will never, ever go away.

    • You will stop crying, I promise.
      You will stop hurting, I promise.
      No, it will never go away. It will be part of you forever.

      BUT, in time, it will be a part of you that will have catapulted you into something so much more amazing than you ever thought it could be. You will heal. You will have an honest, authentic life. You will find your own strength and you will be amazed at how BADASS you truly are.

      Feel the pain. Cry the tears. It won’t last forever. We are here for you!

      • SBWife…for a start you need to change your alias (unless that’s for your ex wife) because you have probably come to believe the crap your abusive stbx has thrown at you. That’s their projection and though you may have your faults…you ain’t the cause of this stuff happening to you. Two days from now will make it a year from when my wife moved out and decided to become an ‘estranged wife’ so she could throw herself at her married affair partner (hoping he would either leave or try could carry on without his wife knowing)…I was destroyed as could still see some of their communications and anything about me and what was happening to the kids wasn’t in there. I was obsessed with saving things, saving the family, hurting everyday for or with the confused and grieving kids. I was where you are at now. I knew deep down the chances of the family or the marriage surviving was slim to none but persisted with the RIC stuff…to a point…no pick me dance thankfully. Had the sense to get off the drama bus and that saved me. Do the same. Chumplady set me straight and I started to see how disordered and borderline she is and what I had been putting up with for years (doing nothing for my needs…hello dumb ass therapist). I only get my kids half time but I managed to get them into a better place…they know dad is in their corner. If you got kids be mighty for them…get systems for everything so you get certainly…ask for backup and help…people are generally helpful…you will gain hope from that. Having hope and gratitude are important in my view. Day by day…week by week you will get better. You will start to read about cluster B’s and Narc’s and realise you were doing good for years considering…you will figure out you didn’t contribute to how shit a person they are…you will feel stronger…slowly but you will. This site will give you strength when you see what other people have put themselves though and survived and begun to thrive on their own terms. You’ll have bad days but the good days will get more and more…visit here often and ask for advice. Read the book on your phone in the loo when you are at work feeling low. People here are great and often inspiring. You will become mighty and when you don’t feel it just Trust that they Suck ! as a reminder. …I would not have seen myself where I am now one year ago…I still suck up hopium on days, take on the guilt of the hurt the kids feel but know I am doing my best at any one time. You are too…you will be mighty months from now and you will survive, begin to thrive and step it up…why …because you can…you have probably been coping with shite for years so with disordered out of your day to day life…things will get better

        • Totally agree with Bannerman. It saddens me to see some of us chumps go along with our cheaters’ abuse in their blog names. For example, ImAPhool, unless you are making a pun with delicious phools, you are NOT a fool. The fools are the cheaters.

          • I’ve always used ImAPhool for several reasons. For silly Reasons and in Hindi Phool means flower so I always thought of myself in a double meaning. But it can be used in this sense too. I am a fool for believing his bullshit and lies and being blinded by love. But I don’t blame me for his cheating and him being an asshole. Hell no. But I hear ya. Thanks for looking out.

  • There are so many greats that walk amongst us LAJ and Tessie is for sure a hero.

    I’m humbled by the courage it takes to survive the pain and hardship.

    For the people in my life there’s a special place for the great ones. The NEMChumps are so kind and supportive I can’t say enough about how much I admire each and every one of them.

    These are intelligent and amazingly kind and loving people who have shown me what authenticity looks like IRL.

    I have to say their strength is contagious. Having male chumps in our group has helped me see just how low I set my bar. Love and peace to all chumps.

  • Ok, I want to nominate my dad.

    My disordered mother divorced him, ran off with some guy, and succumbed to her addictions. Of course, back then mothers automatically got custody. She neglected and verbally abused my sister and me. She never stopped badmouthing my dad (or spending his child support on herself and her bad habits). We had nothing. No food. No medical care. No adult supervision.

    My childhood was filled with hunger, police, and trips to the emergency room. My badass dad remarried, came and picked us up when my stepdad would beat my mom, documented it all, waited patiently and listen to my mom tell all, then served her papers claiming she was an unfit mother and he wanted full custody. He got it. I had to go before a judge (I was 13) and then move in with a dad I didn’t really know. There was a lot of rules but also a lot of food! A big adjustment for all.

    His second wife had 2 kids and a disordered x too. My dad moved them in as well and treated them kindly. He raised and worked his butt off to support 4 teenagers in his household, and we were all kinds of rebellious.

    He has always been supportive, honest, and ethical. We can all count on him, and he now enjoys retirement. He and that wife have been married for over 35 years, have two homes now, and enjoy the grand babies!

    • I love your dad. So wonderful to hear stories about good, decent men including the chump guys here. I know there are so many of them out there, but sometimes I need a gentle reminder.

  • I am super busy today, so I didn’t read what you all have said, but I’m sure I’m not the only one to say- my Mom!
    After she devoted herself to my father for 24 yrs, had his four kids, and was helpful to whatever he wanted (typed his college papers, cooked his favorite foods, did everything so he could sit around after work- you know the drill), he met a very young woman at work, and dumped Mom 6 months later. She was blindsided and destroyed.
    She had been working from home, interviewing on the phone, so she called the home office, got offered a job at their location, and decided to flee the clusterfuck! She took me, my sister, our dog and cat, and drove 3000 miles across the country, to start over. She didn’t want to be reminded at every turn how he had stabbed her in the back, and wrecked her home town for her. I think that was amazing, considering her fragile state, and she rocked it! She even met someone new, and they married after dating a long time.
    I think it was hard for any woman from that generation to rise up, she was SUCH a submissive wife! I give her tons of credit for being so resourceful, with not much money, and a new area she’d never seen before, to carry on, and reinvent herself, she makes me so proud!

  • My dear friend Barbara. At the end of her marriage to a Narcissist she got targeted by a Sociopath she knew in college. Over two years he turned her life upside down while targeting her friends and hiding it all from his wife. Once she found out Barbara (who is disabled with two children) reported him to police. Long story short she helped get a $2million brothel busted that he was involved in, extricated herself from him and her Narcissist husband and went on to raise two talented lovely children. She runs a Facebook group for victims and a blog on those types now

    Can I be her when I grow up?

  • I would have to say my mother. As much as she has some narc/borderline tendencies, I absolutely have to give her kudos.
    She was married young, 16, to my father who was in the service. They had 5 children, I am the second born. He was away most of my life, in Korea, Viet Nam or “the field.” He became a raging alcoholic, physically and verbally abusive to my mother. We lived in Germany when the abuse reached her breaking point. She flew us back RI where my grandparents lived so there would be family nearby. She rented a house in a nice part of the state with good schools working in a factory during the day and waitressing at night. We never went without food, clothing or the basics. I remember she pawned some things to buy me my prom dress and many other things for my brothers and sisters without any support from my father. If he couldn’t have my mother, he didn’t want any of us.
    Fast forward to my dday. I tell her I tossed skankboy out for cheating. She asked me how will I handle it financially? I said I will be fine, I just need to sell a piece of property of north. She goes into her room, comes out with a large Ziploc bag and starts counting out 100 dollar bills. Hands me 10K and asks if the will hold me over? WTH??? She says take it…I want you to have it until that property is sold. Well, thankfully it sold immediately. Once I got the money, I went over to repay her. Wait for it: “No, Donna, if it had not been for you supporting me during the divorce I don’t know where *I* would have been!” I looked perplexed.” She said when I tossed your father out, you paid for room and board, bought your brothers and sisters to movies, the arcades and just never gave me any trouble. It is now my time to help you!” We both cried and held each other. She said to me, “if I can make it on a 9th grade education, you will thrive.”

  • I just never thought about it. That’s what one does while living at home as an 18year old, while going to college part time. As for taking my bothers and sisters places, I thought, that is just what brothers and sisters do for each other.

  • Cashmere, I live 3 miles away, to this day, she calls me and says “Oh, honey, I was cooking and just made way too much food. I hate to waste it, so on your way home, could you stop buy and just grab some, for dinner or lunch?” We all know she didn’t make too much….this is Betty Boop’s story and she sticks by it…LOL!

    • Naw, made me miss my superb Mum even more! What a total gem of a woman, nomoreskankboy! I hear ya! It is what family do. But knowing that she saw it, that is priceless. Thanks for sharing x.

  • I have four nominations-they won’t win first place like the aforementioned grannies from other generations and cultures but their stories are tales of experience,strength and hope nonetheless.

    1) Lovely,smart (pursuing her PsyD) gal moves into my building with her fiance,a rock climbing instructor and aspiring writer and dog. A. is a considerate neighbor-conscientious about cleaning up after the dog,when boyfriend neglects to turn off alarm clock when they go away for the weekend to climb,she (not he) apologizes profusely to the tenants and writes a note and buys Starbucks gift cards. Sometimes I hear noises of a woman moaning from their apartment,but not often. I notice that the fiance always darts into their apartment when I go behind the house to use the washer and dryer. Two and two come together when her mother appears from the Midwest. I can tell Mama Bear is pissed and then learn the couple is breaking up and moving out. He was screwing other women when A. was away doing coursework and internships for her doctorate. She has moved on-finished her doctorate with honors and is now married to a nice guy.

    2)Another young lovely woman in my ‘hood. Thanks Tracy for reiterating that a chump’s looks having nothing to do with being cheated on. The opera singer and her husband buy the house next door. They are friendly but not friends and he’s even a bit flirty-strange given that I’m old enough to be his mother. One day I see her getting into her car and say hello. She announces to me that they are selling the house. They had renovated it and lived there for only two years. She then says “B. and I are getting a divorce. He’s been cheating on me and he moved out a couple of weeks ago to live with his girlfriend.” I stood there with my mouth agape. “I’m so sorry. You seem to be taking this pretty well.” “I thought about reconciling for about a month ” she responded “But I realized I deserve much better” Kudos to this woman for knowing her worth. They were high school sweethearts. I suggested CL’s website if she needed any support.

    3)A male chump who I heard through the grapevine had moved on. We met a fifteen years ago on a cycling trip. His first wife had cheated on him and one of the women in our group chalked it up to the wife’s needs not being met. I looked askance at her when she said this-she turned out to be a narcissist herself. He moved on and is now married with two adorable kids.

    4) One of my high school English teachers was married to an alcoholic cheater. She is Catholic and had four children with her ex. They divorced amidst much gossip in the community over thirty years ago. One of her daughters struggled with the father’s behavior, got pregnant and became a teen mom, a big no-no in a waspy upper middle class town. The wasband passed out one night in bed with a lit cigarette and died a fiery death. Mrs. O’M. reconnected with a childhood friend, an engineer who had never married. After they married, he considered her children to be his, they traveled the world and had thirty wonderful years together before he died in his eighties last year.

    I love hearing of kind,good people being treated well after being chumped. Makes my heart sing !

    • Sucker Punched — thanks for sharing! Reading each story makes me feel so empowered and optimistic that I am not alone and there are people out there who are rocking it in life. Stellar list.

  • My Grandmother was totally awesome, I do not know all the details cos this wasn’t spoken of much. Her husband cheated on her, she had 7 children, all very young. She kicked his ass out of her house and proceeded to get one helluva a settlement without courts. You see he was in politics at high levels and the scandal would have destroyed his career, also there was her Italian connections in Jersey, if you know what I mean…An annulment was managed because Catholic, (LOL, SEVEN kids). A house was bought for her outright, along with a large cash payout to take care of things until the kids were grown. She worked 6 days a week at a shoe store to make ends meet. Growing up us grandkids loved Papi, he lived with Grandmother, we had no idea as children that he was her lover; she refused to marry ever again but they had a great relationship. She had honor and loyalty. Sometimes to her own pain. When her only daughter testified against her son (my Dad) denying him custody of me and my sister, she walked out the court room and said “Daughter is dead to me, if anyone speaks to her again, they are dead to me” “No one is to harm her, the wheel turns”. Might sound horrible but she had boundaries like no one I’ve ever seen, she was honest and kind but also unforgiving if your actions were malicious. She always forgave mistakes, she made a distinction among them. When a therapist tried to tell me I was ‘running away’ from all the difficulties in my life because I had cut toxic sister out and a friend previously (trying to convince me not to divorce). I remembered asking about my Aunt and my Grandmother told me, “it’s best to know when someone wishes you ill, once you do it’s on you if you let the snake in bed with you”. There is something to be said for Italian grudges…

    She was bigger than life and hard core till the day she died. She had a great deal to do with my resilience even if I’ve lost alot, without what I had I would be in far worse case. In my family, we never forget and we never forgive a true malicious transgression. Nor do we dwell upon it. We eat well instead.

    Well that was a weird post but I’m going to leave it here anyhow, I can’t seem to create a good narrative in memory of my Grandmother as I’d like to do. She was a badass in every sense of the word, it would take me a book to tell it. I really enjoyed reading everyone’s stories today, thank you all!

    • Not weird, Datdam. Mighty. I get it. I love it.

      As well: I heard of a Catholic RECENTLY (a friend) who got an annulment, after 20 years and 4 kids, sigh.

      And attended another wedding in the Catholic church last weekend, where the couple have been together for twenty years, and have had four kids (three to term, 15, 13 and 11.) It was a farce. They don’t really like each other much. The ‘wife’ (ahem, a former AP – a different relationship, where she broke up a marriage!) has complained about their (lack of) sex life since they had lived together. I know what this is about. They bicker publicly. Is supposed to be a joke, whatever. They are two professionals, with a very impressive life, materially, but can’t really justify private educations for their kids, and the elder two (boys) have received good, boarding school (Catholic, HEAVILY subsidised) educations thus far. The powers that be have got onto them, and needed them married, before the youngest, a daughter, heads off to (a different) school, to keep them on the heavily subsidised track. So, they got up in church and did what they had to. To be fair, the guy is Catholic, and I think he would have done this years ago, but she isn’t. Is agnostic at best. I actually liked the way she did it, when the bishop asked if they would bing their children up in the faith, they answered together, “we will” and she said loudly, “we have!” And that is true, he has taken them to Mass every Sunday, forever. I say they are ethnically Catholic, and the rest is kind of irrelevant. Even to the church, apparently!

  • When I was 18, my beloved great-grandfather passed away and I helped to clean out the little brick bungalow he and my great-grandmother had called home since the 1930s. It was chock full of amazingness that you’d have to pry out of my grip these days. One of the things we found was my great-great-grandmother’s written narrative of triumph. I don’t remember all of the details (and I pray that my grandmother still has the document), but I remember that she was on a cross-country train trip alone with her two young kids, and somehow wound up stranded somewhere in Nebraska Territory in the late 19th century. She didn’t have any money and had to shelter in a cave. Yes indeed, she and her children had to live in a CAVE until someone sent her money or she otherwise extracted herself from the situation. So whenever I feel abundantly sorry for myself or overwhelmed, I remind myself that I come from a woman who survived in a cave, in Indian country, with children, and lived to tell about it. That’s pluck.

  • Not a nomination, but a story about my Dad’s favorite parolee, an elderly woman who was sentenced to lifetime parole after she shot her husband. She was a highly respected leader in her church and community who had never had so much as a parking ticket before the shooting.

    During her intake interview she told my Dad that her husband had been stepping out on her with other women. There came a day when she reached her breaking point and warned him that if he walked out on her one more time, she’d shoot his ass. He laughed at her and turned around and walked out the door, at which point she shot him in the ass.

    It was nothing more than a flesh wound, and he survived (not that I am justifying shooting anyone–I most definitely am not!) My Dad always felt like her sentence was harsh given that there was a history of domestic violence as well, back at a time when it was still considered a “family matter.” I could tell he admired the woman’s spirit–I heard him tell the story more than once and he always ended it with, “It’s not like she didn’t warn the guy.”

    • I like a woman that can set good boundaries, shame it’s against the law to shoot an asshole in the ass. I mean it’s a flesh wound amiright? And hey, she did warn him.

      • I really regret that I didn’t have the opportunity to volunteer to Taser my ex when he was getting Taser certified. It would have been legal and everything….TINGLE MUCH, ASSHOLE?

    • “Stepping out.” Isn’t language the best? Like he accidently took a misstep, ended up with one foot in the gutter (chortle) but regained his footing and carried on? Perfect. Until the next time. Jesus H. LOVE your Dad’s comment, Other Kat.

      • Thanks, horsesrcumin, my Dad always admired strong women. He also made a point of noting that she took full responsibility, without apology, for what she had done. Over the course of his career as a federal probation officer, he dealt with such a broad range of offenders, from hardened criminals to politicians and celebrities, most of whom denied any responsibility for what they’d done or tried to blame others. This woman, on the other hand, took full ownership of her actions and paid her debt to society without complaint, even though she got what he thought was a raw deal.

        She did end up divorcing the husband, btw, and her church rallied around her and she found work to support herself. My Dad always spoke of her fondly and looked forward to their meetings, though it also irked him that the system was so screwed up that he had to spend any time at all “supervising” an elderly woman who obviously had zero chance of re-offending.

  • I have an idea for ex-Gov. Bentley’s community service. A church or social service agency in his city could form a support group for victims of infidelity and abuse that meets weekly. Every week there is a different speaker selected by the group’s organizers. Ex-Gov. Bentley’s job is to furnish and serve refreshments to all of the program participants. When he is not serving, he must sit quietly and listen to the group. Once the group is finished, he must clean up, serving as the janitor.

  • I really really like the idea of having Dr. Cheater X Guv’ner provide free medical services to residents of rural and poor parts of his state.

  • No one in my family. On one side, I had grandparents who adored each other daily for so many decades it was hard to count. They died at age 89 and 94, totally in love with their chosen one. On the other side, was a cheater, who took up with his secretary after losing two of four children as infants. That grandma I never met. She died before I was born, and certainly knew her husband was boffing his secretary, who he married soon after. My Dad found letters. Scuttlebut was that she killed herself, but that was never allowed in pleasant company because the Catholic Church would disapprove.

  • This one’s not really a heroic story… well, kind of, but…actually the opposite…kind of. But, it’s a related story…which, looking back, turns out to be very prophetic. As strongly as I felt about this one tiny incident, you’d think I’d have known better than to end up chumped 20 years later…

    Over 2 decades ago, I spent a solid 20 minutes of my Master’s oral exam PROVING that Willy Loman (Death of a Salesman) was NOT a tragic hero. I won’t go into the full 20 minutes of evidence I used to prove, by the literary definition, that he was NOT a tragic hero, but it was a very substantial argument against the traditionally accepted notion. …the gist was, however, that Willy Loman was NOT a tragic hero (in the literary sense) because there was NO heroism NOR nobility in his character, and that his cheating and manipulation were NOT tragic flaws, but rather just plain old bad character choices. …NOT a “tragic flaw” and NO nobility or heroism…which means (by literary definition) he was NOT a tragic hero. …just a pathetic excuse of an adulterous, narcissistic, turd. NOT mighty…no might in the play at all. …but lots of narcissism, gas lighting, and chumpdom. Noble, tragic hero, my foot!

    …and no, I didn’t call Willy Loman a turd during my Master’s oral exams, but I did use all 20 minutes to PROVE my point to the professors who were evaluating me. In a way, the professors on my orals board were champions (chumpians?) because they listened to and accepted my very detailed (but novel) argument proving that Willy Loman was NOT a tragic hero rather than explaining how he was a tragic hero (which was the generally argued perspective).

    I despised Willy Loman. Cheaters and betrayers are just repulsive…NOT noble, tragic, or heroic. …just repugnant.

    Then, 20 years later, I’m chumped in real life. (((sigh))) Graduate school was easier. LOL

    Would that be art imitating life imitating art? Smh. Like I said. Graduate school was easier. 😉

    • Wow, cdclocks, I admire your perseverance in reading Loman against the grain back in the day–I also got a graduate degree in American literature at roughly the same time and can only imagine how your interpretation was perceived–kudos to your committee for being willing to consider your argument on the merits.

  • My great-grandmother did leave my great-grandfather. They had two young daughters and he was cheating on her. She hit him over the head with a frying pan, according to my grandmother, who was eight years old at the time, and then packed up her daughters and moved to a city that was about 150 miles away.

    She had no job, and no job skills and very little money. It was 1920. My great-grandmother soon met a very handsome and very sweet man who absolutely adored her. They married and had a very happy life together.

    When my ex cheated on me, I thought of my great-grandmother and how she handled her situation. I didn’t hit my ex over the head with a frying pan, though I certainly felt like it, but I did kick him out of the house asap. He cried and pleaded but I filed immediately and got out of the marriage. That was nine years ago and no regrets losing the cheater!

  • I am surrounded by great intact marriages both in friends and family. I have seen some friends go through some difficult times in their marriages but no cheating was involved. My X’s parents were married 60 years – his dad was a WW2 vet and his mom a homemaker. They were pretty kind people and I never would have expected their son to turn out this way. They would turn over in their grave if they knew what he did to our family.

    I know of a few church friends who ate the shit sandwich and reconciled. However, the husband did leave the wife in one instance.

    Got to say, this is ALL new to me. So CN is truly a blessing -albeit in such a crappy circumstance.

  • I just read that Kathleen Biden finally divorced husband Beau (son of Joe). She ditched him in 2015, after who knows how many ddays of his… “spending extravagantly on his own interests including drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, strip clubs, and gifts for women with whom he has sexual relations.”

    She scored ~$250,000/year in the divorce. Atta girl.

    Of course, he’s now in bed with his former sister in law. Family ties. ugh.

    • Oops, that would be son Hunter, not Beau. Poor Beau died…it’s his widow who is in bed with his brother now. gag.

      • Here’s to Kathleen Biden for kicking hunter to the curb- but Joe and Jill Biden’ public comment that they are so happy that Hallie and Hunter found each other- wtf? It borders on incest and they don’t even acknowledge Kathleen or their grandchildren! Freaks!!!

        Sounds like my disordered in laws- their son could commit a murder in a public square and they would turn a blind eye!

  • I come from a long line of women who take no shit…Ergo I could never have stayed. My great grandmothers husband went to Cuba and left her with three small children, the youngest two. He stopped communicating so she gave it enough time then moved on and remarried. My other great grand mother told her husband that she had enough of his ways and ditched him. She had her own business so she didn’t need him. Pooled resources with her daughter and built a house and bought land. Even the women who married never took anything laying down. I surmise that I just was not genetically coded to eat shit.

    • Oh yea. Other great grand mother was married to a drink. She ditched him, got work and raised her children. My grandfather built her a house and matched her wages so she could retire. I hear my son who is seven talking about boundaries…Future non-white eater.

  • I think my Mum. In the wake of D-day, she helped me so much. I was so scared she’d say it was all my fault (says a lot of my headspace at the time).

    But she encouraged me to be kind and patient.

    I know in hindsight she should have encouraged me to lawyer up, but I think it really say a lot about how kind my Mum is.

    She changed her tune pretty quickly though when it was apparent Mr Victim was fucking me around and flew interstate to pack up my house in 48 hours. Including Mr Victim’s belongings. Instead of chucking them to the curb, she packed them all neatly and placed them in the garage.

    I couldn’t have done that at the time, I was catatonic. So her strength really go me through the acute period, while I regathered my strength.

  • I may be panicking but I could use some emergency chump advice. My Styx sent a group text to me, the kids and his parents this morning which says Christ is Risen! His mom immediately replied with indeed he is risen! Tradition. I am a religious person. Styx cheater tries to say he is but he is a narc sociopath so enough said. ( he was with my sons Thursday- did not mention Easter and does not go to church).

    Do I stand my ground with no contact? Or should I play along when I feel his text is bordering on blaphsemous.

    Hope one of you wise ones can help.

    • Ignore his texts and maintain no contact. You’re done with that and need to prove nothing regarding his lack of morals. Not your problem anymore. That’s the good part.

    • Feelingit,
      “Do not give what is holy (your faith) to the dogs (your XH); nor cast your pearls before swine…”
      Matthew 7:6a
      Have a peaceful and blessed Easter Day. 🙂

  • Great advice! Better than any therapist! The verse was perfect.

    I didn’t say anything to my kids and when they brought it up, all their comments were about how disingenuous the text was and they said they were not responding. He will blame me but he is writing his own story.

    No kibble for him today!

    • Without the powers of chump spackle, it’s hard for them to hide their fishy smell from other people. Yucchh.

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