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Dear Chump Lady, I smell a generous settlement…

Dear Chump Lady,

I never cease to be amazed at the stupid shit my soon-to-be-ex, aka Porky Pig, does. And, I’m only two months out from D-Day — Lord knows what the future holds!

Ironically, part of his sparkle is his PhD in electromagnetic physics [OMG he is soooooo smart — said in my best Valley Girl voice!]. Too bad his course of study didn’t include basic technology or common sense.

Stupid Shit #1.

Two years ago, our daughter transferred to a school that is a 45 minute drive from home. Because of the distance, we allowed her to have my old iPhone with the caveat that she must accept our invitations to “Find My Friends” so that we could track her and that she could track us. How wonderful that we all know where we all are at any given time! Porky Pig seems unaware of all this. My lawyer and I bow down and praise the geniuses at Apple who invented the time-and-date-stamped screen grab function which proves that no, he was not at his dying father’s bedside that weekend — he was with Schmoopie at her house 70 miles away. This app was incredibly useful when I hired the private investigator to get photos that could be used as evidence in court. Let me see…. right now they’re at Geno’s having lunch. Techtard.

Stupid Shit #2.

Porky Pig unabashedly states to any and all persons, including our children, that he didn’t start a relationship with the OW until after he moved out. Okay, first of all that’s a lie (see stupid shit #1)… and, second of all, we live in a fault state where adultery, even post-separation adultery, is an offense. Glibtard.

Stupid Shit #3.

After Porky Pig moved out, I discovered that he had already surreptitiously removed all his personal files/records from our home… not that he was planning anything, right? Uh oh. What about that bowl full of flash drives sitting on top of the desk? The ones that contain backups of all his work laptops since 2005. The ones that are still sitting there as I type. Umm… the ones that contain evidence that could put Porky Pig in prison for no less than five years. Oops. Senilityisabitchtard.

Here is a recent conversation with my lawyer.

Me: I don’t think he’s seen a lawyer yet.

Lawyer: Oh, I’m sure he has.

Me: Then why does he keep doing things that are hurting his case?

Lawyer: I think he’s stupid.

I smell a generous settlement.

Yours truly,

Meh or Bust

Dear Meh or Bust,

Wow, that’s some kind of stupid you got there. But I’m not terribly surprised your STBX husband was sloppy with the discard. Cleaning up messes and suffering consequences are for the little people — chumps. It never occurs to these ding dongs that their idiocy will be their undoing. I guess his lawyer will have to explain it to him in exorbitant 6-minute billing increments.

How could they be so stupid?! comes up a lot around here. (Not that you’re asking, more like reveling…) Answer — because they’re cocky. It’s easy to deceive someone who trusts you. Cheaters don’t see it that way, of course. While they’re constructing double lives, creating dating profiles, and purchasing secret cell phone plans, they’re James Fucking Bond. And chumps are the bumbling villains who must be thwarted at all cost. Is it easy to dupe a trusting chump? Sure, but cheaters just see that as evidence of their superiority, not our commitment.

Worse, our trust makes cheaters contemptuous of us. Think about the mental gymnastics that takes — to lie to someone’s face and instead of feeling ashamed or clammy with discomfort — to think instead I’m really That Good. Boy, is chump ever stupid!

Of course, our distrust makes cheaters contemptuous too — hey, we cannot be obstacles to their happiness! Point is, cheaters feel entitled to get away with it all — because they’ve been getting away with it all for ages. Chumpy there has spackled, pick me danced, and sobbed with flamboyant weakness. We are not deemed to be worthy opponents.

So it’s all rather delicious when consequences hit. The Achilles heel of every narcissist is underestimating others.

Meh or Bust — you are MIGHTY. Two months out from D-Day and you have the presence of mind to lawyer up and hire a PI? Your STBX has fucked with the wrong woman. In the immortal words of Porky Pig:  “Ble, ble, ble, that’s all folks!”

Ask Chump Lady

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  • Wanted to say Happy Memorial Day to our chump veterans and enlisted folks out there. And to anyone who’s ever been chumped on deployment, or as a military spouse. That’s a special red-white-and-blue shit sandwich. You have my admiration and gratitude for your service.

    Happy Memorial Day, everyone.

    • Thank you. I was one of the chumps who was regularly served a piping hot Red White and Blue shit sandwich. He HAD to go here or there, he HAD to work, he HAD to go on this trip and deployment, his Blackberry belonged to the Govt and was confidential and I was never to touch it…yes, fellow chumps, you can imagine the endless cheating that such license would allow….all the while hiding behind the banner of service and patriotism…Semper Fidelis (Always Faithful). Military spouses give up so much in terms of family connections & job security…one reason I never left was that I was always new guy on the job with no reliable solid support where ever I lived,

      He retired after 25 years of active duty and told me not to bother to attend his retirement ceremony as he had already told me of his intent to divorce. If I hadn’t gone, he would have told everyone he begged me to attend and I refused…imagine how that would have fed into his narrative. So he planned the date of his retirement accommodating 2 OWs but not our oldest son who had finals that week.

      He could see I was about to fall apart just before the ceremony, so he came up to me and promised a wreckonciliation telling me “we will get through this!”. This snort of hopium had the desired effect and I held my shit together during the ceremony and his promise disappeared like a fart in the wind.

      The next day at lunch with family, he said “I would take a job at X but UNM wont move there” what a crazy fucked up twisted lie…so twisted that I couldn’t even begin which was his goal. That whole event was a shit sandwich buffet of universal magnitude. Karma nibbled at his ass just a wee bit when his mom and sister found a gift from OW in his car. I have pictures from that event I shared with our own Patsy (friends from back on a RIC board).

      I didnt learn of the extent of his treachery until after he died. When I gave him the Hero’s Funeral, I confided in his cousin/wife and they were so kind and lovely to me. God took very good care of me and I rebuilt a whole new life.

      • UNM- your story could be my story – except he’s not dead – yet ?. Mine used the same tactics, running off here and there to save the world. And I totally drank the “Army values” koolaide. After LTC Dick became a BN CDR he didn’t need me or my family anymore. I was devastated. My Dad was, too. My Dad really thought of him as a son and had paid for the big reception for his Change of Command. Within days he told me ILYBINILWY. Come to find out he had found one of his old GFs over a year earlier who shows the proper adoration. It’s been a year since he left. We should be divorced this coming month. And I am ready to move on. After all, I had been in training to be alone for 16 years. I WAS really grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have – BN CDRs wife and all – but I got a call from an old friend this month – he got FIRED from his job with less than a year in command and he was also told he has to RETIRE – now. He’s only 53. I feel so much better cause I’m not missing anything. He’s lazy and arrogant. His GF can have him. Our settlement was complete back in January 2017. We have no children. He was so worried that I would tell his bosses (it’s a felony in the Army). He gave me everything I wanted. And I got to walk away and wait for him to fail. It didn’t take long.

        • Wow, soldierschump. I’m really sorry you had to experience that–your poor dad! But thank you for sharing your story. “And I got to walk away and wait for him to fail. It didn’t take long.”

          I do love happy endings! 🙂

          • Thanks FMT. I’ve gotten a lot of support over this past year. When I first heard he was fired I felt bad for him but then I realized that it wasn’t my failure. He did it all on his own. Karma is a bitch. I’m sure he is blaming someone else – politics, etc. my counselor told me this, “God got your revenge for you and His is always better than anything we could dish out because He knows what makes the greatest impression.” I’ll say!

          • I echo what FMT said and it is sweet that you settled your property division before he screwed whatever pooch to get in that much trouble it had to be a whopper.

            Mine retired as a Major and blamed me for his low rank (like he blamed me for everything). I looked at him as if he hung the moon and believed all his tales from work and how they didnt properly appreciate him. Looking back, he had classic covert narc traits which tend to piss off coworkers and ruins most careers. I didnt learn that he screwed coworkers until after he died…I now wonder if some of the bad career things that happened to him were fallout from being caught in something. One holiday monday when I had school but he was off, he came home with a broken knee cap and a wild story of how it happened…me nowthinks he was discovered by an angry chumped man.

            OW was an adoring colleague…she did military sales for a corp he was buying from. She was fired when it was learned she was involved with the military customer.

            You were smart to not fight his departure more…I fought and fought and won myself a wreckonciliation which doomed any chance of getting any of the guilt offerings put on the table early. I took a HUGE financial risk wreckonciling.

            One aspects of my sweet revenge is that he hated “tall white guys who got promoted so easily” (he was Latin and had a big chip on his shoulder) …my new husband is tall & white and retired as a Colonel.

              • My big pile of money, great husband and wonderful life make me smile. Im sure he started rolling in his grave soon after he died and I started doing things MY way. Im sure the day I had my new (Air Force Colonel tall white) husband move in and hang his shit in the closet there was some spinning.

                I don’t, interestingly enough, hope for him to be in Hell. My Catholic faith teaches that our job as spouse is to get the other person to heaven and I think I succeeded. I prayed and wept and sacrificed and suffered WAY too long and too much to have all my efforts fail. I believe in Purgatory (which has been a true saving Grace for me) and our purgation lasts until we learn the real effect we had on people. I don’t know how long his or my time there will be. If or when we both get to heaven, I don’t want to interact with him, ever. I think the fully purgated version of him will thank my now husband for giving me the love I longed for.

        • Soldierchump, X was arrogant and lazy too. My parents treated him like their own.
          My Dad was especially heartbroken when X left. My Dad who was also in the Air Force and retired did a lot for X and helped support us when X wasn’t working.
          During the divorce my Mom got sick with cancer and passed away.
          X didn’t extend any condolences to our family. My Mom treated him like a son.
          He’s a monster. His GF can have him. He may be in the honeymoon phase of his relationship trying to prove to himself how happy he is but his mask will fall.
          He will never be happy or content, it’s not his personality, there’s always someone to blame, to despise and to blame for his unhappiness. Eventually it will be GF’s turn.

          • Brit – your ex is a monster. His mask will fall hopefully sooner than later. Hang in there. Maybe you’ll have the pleasure of watching him destroy himself one day. I have nothing good to say about my STBX or his GF. She knew he was married which in my mind makes her a desperate skank. His family also knows he was cheating but as his sister told me soon after he left – “he’s been unhappy for a long time.” The same sister whose husband cheated on her then moved back in. Surely she would remember the pain?! A couple of months after he left my MIL died – his Stepmother. I found out when my Dad saw the obituary in the paper – with my name listed as his wife. WTF!!!!? Needless to say I was not invited to the funeral and found out too late to pay my respects. The OW was there – wouldn’t want a confrontation. What kind of family does that? I’ve been no contact with them ever since.

          • My Dad was also sick with cancer during our divorce. My ex also did not send any condolences after my Dad passed away. I asked my brother in law how someone could do that and he responded “because he’s a monster”. My daughter told me that when she told my ex that “papa passed away”, he just smirked.

      • F me this literally happened… i had the ‘we will get through this’ at our son’s graduation from school while he was laying the seeds of desertion the week before. So i stumbled through that event enough to sign away some financial assets then as he was giving the kids the leaving speech he tried to frame me …’mum doesnt want me to stay around’ …. that was his script and it didnt play out in real life because i was not going along with the screen play ie . We dont want you to go …still love you…. the bizare thing was he was still playing along to his version of the story and wandering round the house mournfully packing a holdall as if i was kicking him out . It was then i realised the extent of his lost in space delusion. It was nothing to do with me or them it was like he was the hero of his own movie and the story needed to be told . Wow the time liness of this post. I proposed a settlement only today under the circumstances of him leaving me and the 3 kids with $200 after a very comfortable existance and now we are on welfare. He is remorseless. And trying to screw me for the minimum he can legally get away with . Surprise my kids have a dead beat dad !

        • My X did and said similar things while seeing AP and making plans to leave.
          He actually said he didn’t want a divorce when I know he had been looking for an apartment.
          They’re devious, and cruel. He had me convinced that he was a man of integrity.
          Instead of questioning his intentions I began to question my own mental health.
          The behavior was so absurd I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. Everything was a contradiction of who I believed he was.
          He had been showing me who he was for some time but I was the Queen of Spackle and believed he was the person I married and was experiencing a mid life crisis. I had to reprogram my brain and reach acceptance that he was an imposter/con man and only cared about himself. It’s as if I was in a bad made for TV move.

      • I’m another X military spouse. Moving to desolate places, without family or friends.
        Living in the middle of no where, nothing for miles around in the middle of the forest with a toddler, not knowing anyone.
        If somethings going to break down, car, washer and dryer, etc. it will happen when your spouse is gone. One time driving home from the base in torrential rains my car broke down in front of a biker bar with my toddler son in the back. I had no one to help me, I didn’t know what I was going to do. Eventually some bikers came out of the bar and offered to help me, they couldn’t get my car started so they offered to take us home. They were nice enough and I really didn’t have much choice.
        Long TDY’s, schools in other states, deployments and just business as usual. Sometimes unable to contact them for what ever reason.
        You’re right they have no idea of the sacrifices we make he doesn’t and wouldn’t care even if he did.
        I too ate shit sandwiches, by myself for weeks, in places that felt like I was living in a time warp going backwards to the 60’s or 70’s.
        One isolated place we lived was not far from where a mass murderer lived,
        The Green River Killer. Great memories.

        • Brit – you are mighty. I truly did learn to live on my own as have you. Life will get better. Already the constant stress I was feeling is gone and every day I think – I can do ANYTHING I want now. Freedom………

          • Thank you soldierchump, we learned to live on our own while they were away but we were also on our own while they were home under stress of them being there.
            I got to where I would look forward to him going on a trip and would get the feeling of dread when I knew he’d be home.
            It’s funny, X would ridicule a squadron commander he had for being strict about military regulations as well as feel sorry for his wife. I thought they got along fine and going to wives meetings she never complained or looked stressed.
            Today the same squadron commander is retired and from what I know he and his wife are enjoying themselves in retirement and seem quite content. And he remained married not out looking for something different.
            In the squadrons X was in he would complain that he was never included in or invited by other members of the squadron when they got together for barbecues or dinner. It wasn’t until I came along that he would be included only because the wives would invite me. He had a reputation as being too regimented amongst his peers.

            You’re absolutely right, we can do whatever it is we’d like without being judged or frowned upon. It is a huge sigh of relief not having to put up with their nonsense.

            • Hey, Brit and SoldiersChump, I feel your pain, and I agree that we become stronger by learning to live on our own while they are away. My ex wasn’t military, but he spent about five months a year away from home for work from May to September, plus various trips throughout the academic year. I, too, learned to do things by myself that I never imagined a brain-addled stroke survivor living alone in a god-forsaken place with an infant could do.

              It was after about 15 years of this annul abandonment that I actively began to look forward to his time away. That was when I discovered that he was also tacking on to his business trips swank vacations with other women while I was home clipping coupons, mowing the lawn, and learning to do all sorts of home repairs by myself. My smallish revenge was to plant another tree or two every May, so that when he returned four months later to see his beloved lawn that required my constant maintenance, he would look at the shady yard, scratch his head, and ask if we had always had a tree there???

              I salute all military (and academic) spouses who were forced to find out just how strong they really were, especially in the face of gut-wrenching betrayal.

      • Unicornomore,
        I am sorry for all you went through.
        You are so deserving of the happiness you have found in a new love!
        ❤️

        • Yes, the second chance at a good life is such a treasure! Who knew? While the shit storm was going on (and on and on..), we thought that’s all there was! There’s a whole world out there, where a Chump can live peacefully, no gaslighting allowed.

      • On the RIC site that UNM and I were manfully trying to hold our families together through wreckonciliation, the things that UNM reported Semper Fidelis did and said to her were just SO MEAN.

        Boy did we spackle. There is a British website called Mumsnet where the ‘nest of vipers’ [what a British man called Mumsnet] told me straight out I had to be mentally ill to tolerate it and that I was abusing our children (not far wrong actually). My head was right up my derriere, swimming in hopium.

        Year in year out we tried to love them better and hope that they would ‘finally get it’. 5 humiliating and soul destroying years for me, a bit longer for UNM.

        • yes, I had unshakably convinced myself that IF he knew that he was causing me pain, he would surely decide to stop. I described the pain he caused me in excruciating detail. I could not see, understand or accept that the mean asshole in front of me was exactly who he intended to remain.

    • Thank you CL. I ate that shit sandwich for too long. I did my best to be a supportive spouse. He had no idea how much I sacrificed to help him. He still doesn’t and doesn’t care. But it doesn’t matter cause I know and the people and family around me know. Thank you for acknowledging military spouses – it’s not easy being one.

    • My ex retired after 25 years as a LtCol. He worked with his skank while we lived in Germany and they traveled together on a team of Inspector Generals inspecting the integrity of others while bouncing from bed to bed. When we moved to New Mexico, she followed us buying a house literally right around the corner. Stupidly, this trusting chump didn’t worry too much because her husband-chump was serving in Afghanistan. I apparently out-lived my usefullness as a faithful military wife and after ONLY the last 11 years of cheating during our 30-year marriage did he tell me that he wasn’t happy. I guess the skank’s husband was smarter than me and divorced her leaving her to pressure my ex to dump me. My former mother-in-law said to my son, “Oh your poor father! He’s starting over with nothing!” No he didn’t. I gave him his retirement as long as he didn’t touch mine and I got everything else. He has his skank. I’m told that if he isn’t already cheating on her, that he will soon. My state is a community property state. I could have had pictures and it wouldn’t have made a difference. But I do have my honor and my integrity. I retired after 26 years as a Technical Sergeant in the USAF Reserves following my dick-ex around the world. I have now reached MEH and I’m happy.

      • Thank you for your service Amazon Chump. My state is community property too but the Code of Military Justice overrides state law when it comes to adultery (at least according to the JAG I consulted.). Unfortunately sometimes the good ole boy system takes care of their own. It’s just not worth the effort to fight. Walking away with “honor and integrity” is worth so much more than monetary assets. I’m so glad you are happy!

    • Chumplady aka My Soulmate,

      After experiencing multiple D days and a diarrhea bubble bath I found your book in the self help section (yes I was there to purchase books to figure him out) right below the karma sutra books (might want to rethink that placement Barnes and Noble). You are my angel from heaven for sending me my decoder ring, I bow down to you and the Schmopie Videos. I feel relief for the first time since this all began. The fuckwit and his “I don’t remembers” won’t get anymore of my kibbles.

  • The stupidity is strong in cheaters. I was awakened to the situation when our son got an iPad and the idiot set it up syncing with his account. Got home after dropping off son to school and “ping ping ping” -there’s all the cheating messages and emails. I just thank whatever power may be that the kid wasn’t home to see it all.
    But I did and that was it. Bye Felicia.

    • Reminds me of the chump here who was doing house tasks while her husband was on a “business trip”…cheater had forgotten he synched his phone with the house and the photos of him and OW on a boat popped up on her BIG SCREEN TV. Yikes !!!

      • OMG. I hadn’t heard that one!

        Just when you think you’ve heard every possible tale of idiocy, there’s another one. Wow!

    • That is exactly how the mother of one of my daughter’s friends discovered her X’s cheating. The stupid fellow had given his daughter his old IPad, but had failed unsynch it from his phone. While his wife and daughter were in another city picking out daughter’s wedding dress (yes, you read that correctly), up pops all these messages between dad and his very long time mistress. Daughter was able to retrieve every single text, all the plans they had made, even found out where dad was stashing the money he was diverting from his lucrative law practice. Mom flew home, moved out (she didn’t want the house), and left a ‘fuck you’ note on the door. Dad literally didn’t know what hit him. Needless to say, mom kicked ass in the settlement.

      • Years ago, my X gave his phone to my oldest daughter (a teen at the time) and he got the new phone/upgrade. Some quirk meant that they were getting each other’s texts for a while. X freaked out, inordinately so (I thought). Now I know why–he was worried daughter would get his Ashley Madison/AFF hookup texts.

        • There was a reason the ex who we did not know was cheating turned off his sharing function with our teenage boys. These boys are very into tech, how could he think teenagers don’t know what that means? No they only know about the girlfriend since I told them, not because he stopped coming home and stopped sharing his location. He thought they would believe he and a woman were just talking in hotel rooms too so he was still a good guy. Completely my fault their relationship is bad of course. How stupid to think your kids are that dumb. Congratulations to all of us who have escaped that stupidity.

          • Hahahaha, can we get a count of how many of us were told- yes, we went to a hotel, but we were just talking!
            ????

            • I got:

              “She wanted me to go for two nights but I only stayed for one. I was so anxious and nervous I drank too much and the. It was illegal for me to drive home. I felt so bad in the morning I left before the sun was properly up. ”

              I think I was supposed to feel sorry for him, and pleased or something that he exercised restraint and felt “bad”. No cockhead, feeling bad would have meant you were never there to begin with.

              Seriously dumb fuck.

              Mine has been and was endlessly lazy and dumb. I remember many times in social settings he would get a big laugh as he trotted out some joke or observation I had made days or weeks prior. He’d lap up the glow and wouldn’t even seem to register that he stole all his best work from chumpy me.

              One wonders what intelligent observations he’ll be able to contribute now that he’s only got his tweenager girl to steal ideas from? “Oh how tragic the hike in cost of play dough!” “Did anyone see Justin Bieber’s new tat?” “Why doesn’t after school care stay open later than 6pm? I work late on Tuesdays and can’t pick up my girlfriend until after 7pm.”

              Meanwhile, social group can hear said girlfriend babbling through the wireless intercom set up in her everything is pink bedroom.

        • My STBX left one of his IPad without logging off from his Skype session : I read his conversation with his skank, and that’s how I learned that he wanted to “give” her 3 children, but she thought two (a boy and a girl) would be enough…a skype session with lots of smileys and little hearts…
          Get started already, and leave me alone, and grant me the divorce YOU wanted, Fucktard…

    • ‘The Achilles heel of every narcissist is underestimating others.’
      Spot on. I would like to thank google chrome and the universe for my big reveal, pressed that little button on his supposedly wiped phone and went straight to hundreds of photos of the happy couple.
      Anyways this may make some laugh it was a wtf moment for me.
      Bit of background, overseas whore and him seem to be on the fade I think but who knows they still talk everyday but he is trying hard to talk his way back into our lives and my pants. No thanks. I wouldn’t envy his life atm he really has fucked things up.
      Got a text asking ‘if we are on speaking terms do you want to come and see Crazy Horse burlesque show for my Birthday in September?
      Um No.
      Will mention my son and my Birthday are in July, no mention.
      Narc becoming a dirty old man I think. He’s on another planet.

      • Mine is a dirty old man, too! And a technard for sure. Find my iPhone = find my divorce lawyer.

        Cheaters underestimate chumps and overestimate their greatness and fabulosity. Lol

        • Ha. The keypad logger showed iloveyou!iloveyiu!ilove you and flower orders that certainly were not to me but he could look me right in the eye without blinking and deny everything. It is because 16 years ago I asked him not to wear dilbert collars which turned up and dad jeans when I arranged terrific concerts and dressed up for date night. Humiliating for him 16 years later and reason for him to cheat don’t ya know (22 year marriage 27 year relationship he was my only partner). I caught him in the used Buick my parents tried to give to my 16 year old he thought he deserved more doing it in a deserted park like a stupid teen). My experience is exactly according to the cheaters handbook.

      • I read a great comment on another board once. This lady’s ex was a heinous cheat and was still attempting to get back in to her pants even though she was NC with him.

        Her comment: The only way he is ever getting in MY pants again is if I die at the thought of having to sleep with him, and all my clothes go to the good will and he happens to buy a pair for $2 off the rack.

        It made me laugh. Chumps make me laugh.

  • I like a story when you can see the karma bus approaching… gaining speed. Those ducks were lining themselves up.

  • I subscribe.
    When he moved out (for a trial period of 3 months), XH took all his documents with him.
    But he left the external hard drive with the backup of his computer and phone.
    Oh, he’s been careful what he filmed or photographed. Nevertheless, the cocky attitude gave him away: I did a simple viewing of all recordings he did when at home with our son, while I was at work. Boy they cleared it out for me what he’s been up to. Even found the hotel he stayed with the nanny, 1 month before we hired her!!!
    I guess he won’t need the 10 years worth of photos with me! I can keep or loose them!

    • Enraged–that is fucking cold. To bring his AP into your house to watch your children. I hope she didn’t last long.

      • From Aug till Jan, when he also left.
        By May, when I could finally file for divorce (not so easy when you battle for custody), he wanted to see me “more often”.
        Now that I think about it, he must really miss those pictures with us. He gets to see me and his son twice a year. What a retard!

  • My experience is a little different. My ex is a conniving, cunning and credible liar. Family courts where I am from just accept what they’re told and family lawyers don’t know how cross examination works. It’s gold dust for anyone willing to lie and courts just do “big picture” and hand out their own form of justice…. With justice being in the eye of the beholder and someone who can lie and attract sympathy whilst being charming (a narcissist…) is quite likely to succeed.

    I therefore wouldn’t assume every cheater is stupid in every respect. They’re unempathetic and also show they’re happy to fuck with other people’s lives, so some of them will do whatever they can do fuck you in court and with settlements.

    • Fstl~true, X was willing to lie, attract sympathy, and charm the female judge.
      Not being familiar with the courts, I foolishly assumed Mr. Integrity would tell the truth and I foolishly believed all I had to do was be honest. Lie after ridiculous lie, absurd accusations.
      X is relentless in his efforts to destroy my life and what little I have.
      He now claims disability in order to avoid paying support.
      Yet he’s able to buy a new house, all new furnishings, a new truck, and go on exotic vacations.
      X is the type who will do and say anything to win and does. Playing the role of the victim while demonizing me.

      • X is the type who will do and say anything to win and does. Playing the role of the victim while demonizing me

        ^^^This ^^^^

      • I have a STBX like this, too. After a year of first going to the dissolution route and then filing, I have had time to discover that there does not seem to be any limits to what he is willing to do to ensure he gets as much as he can from the settlement and reduced income.

        Luckily, I wised up before we got to court. My stupid cheater uses the same password on any account he had prior to his leaving. He spent 2016 using creative accounting to plummet his income. However, I have over 5 years showing what he reported to the IRS and his business hasn’t changed to account for the 112% reduction. And yes, for those who are good with numbers that means that he not only got his income to magically go away, but he is also claiming that he lost money.

        I haven’t gotten to court yet, but with the documentation we have, I am trusting that no judge can look at it and NOT see what he is doing. Hopefully, it will piss her off enough that the equitable distribution will be in my favor with him having to pay my legal and accountant fees for his game playing.

        • My Stbx was cut from this cloth too. Eventually it should work out Ok but the process is horrible and we are just beginning. I am sure he will try to pull out lots of rabbits along the way as he already has. Just this week he paid off our mortgage without telling me. I should be very grateful to be so fortunate but I am nothing but suspicious. The financial statement for the court showed him to be in the red $8000.00 per month! (Which I know is not true). And the statement did not show any accounts that had the funds to pay the mortgage. I have no doubt that he is maneuvering to give me as little as possible and maintain as much control as possible. Can we wake up from the nightmare already!

          On another note, just had another long conversation with one of his aunts who is supportive but just doesn’t get it. She is trying to be that Switzerland aunt and I know she has good intentions so I am trying to nicely explain to her why the kids and I can’t just have that nicey nice relationship with cheater and his parents. I can’t really blame her because I would probably be the same if I were in her shoes but I really wish the mask would come off for her. We are headed into one of those dreaded situations. Her daughter, stbx ‘s and my God daughter, is getting married in July and I will have to decide if I can stomach it if in laws and or stbx decide to go.

        • He will have to pay back taxes and lots of fines, which will reduce the overall asset pool, so it may not work out very differently than it already is. Be very careful with that.

          • If the court uses date of separation (which is January 2016), then he will be on his own with that. I refused to sign a joint return given the crap he was doing and I got his agreement to file separately. I think he agreed because he thought he would get a big refund because of the lost income and didn’t want to share it with me. I didn’t want any of it because he is going to be a prime candidate for an audit.

            I just hope that the court doesn’t brush off all the crap he is doing and settles and determines support fairly.

  • Omg, laughing my face off at the cheaters dumb shit! Mine is the same! Daughter and I tracked him all the way to Nottingham (a good hour and a half drive away) where just one of his OWs are. (he has at least 5 , all being paid hookers) via her phone- dont worry she is 18 and this wasn’t inappropriate! And, yes, it was him who set up the tracking on her phone so we could locate her – she has a medical condition so it was important. Cheaters are so fucking stupid. I cant wait to fully dump his entitled ass. Get my decree nisi tomorrow, so excited, end now seems in sight.

  • This should be an interesting week. Judge will sign divorce decree tomorrow or Wednesday. Last night SBTX came in drunk and said “You are going to be a rich, happy bitch”. I think it finally hit him how much this divorce will cost him. More than half of our assets and a nice monthly support check and he has to pay my health insurance! After 35 years of marriage he, his secretary and his mother will finally be out of my life. He is a real estate attorney and I stupidly let him handle the purchase of my new home that I take possession on June 30th, he texted me last night that “I should have read the agreement better”. Not sure what this is about, but he truly underestimates this Chump. I know that my STBX’s reputation is paramount to him. If I have to go to every escrow company, every bank in town to make sure this home closes in time I will. Along the way, I will make sure they know, he is trying to screw me.

    • Lost Wishes, I would make sure that your lawyer and the judge know about his text message. That message would worry me. Maybe the house won’t be in your name? very odd.

    • I had similar thoughts. Where I live, the title/deed determines the owner. The money side only determines who pays. Maybe run it by someone in your state that he doesn’t know?

    • Lostwishes–I concur with the others; that text sounds ominous. Check with an independent lawyer about the sale of your house before it is finalized. When push comes to shove, and cheaters have to choose between loss of assets vs. loss of impression management, many will forego the reputation in favor of getting what they want (so don’t count on embarrassing him as a full strategy).

    • I would love it if chump lady sold a “rich happy bitch” bumper sticker. My ex cheated me out of my childhood piggybank for the coin, charged me for the alcohol I poured down the sink on our 22nd anniversary when I knew he was at a hotel with the mistress and also a 4 times inflated value for my 20th anniversary ring present. None of this would have held up in court but I paid it just to get him to sign and get away from me. His family believes I am the villain for some reason but they and that money don’t matter. The kids and my wellbeing matter so much more. We will all get through this. Hugs.

  • It’s comforting to read a story like this. I felt like the stupid one. My cheater begged to stay( yup I did the pick me dance–for 4 years). That gave him the time to steal half of our life savings–$400000 in a line of credit , hiding it as “investment” in the business. Then he basically worked part time leaving me to twist myself into a pretzel trying to pay for everything including an extra property. Even that wasn’t enough for him. We purchased a property in Florida (our “retirement ” home). Of course I had to pay for that as well. All this while plotting to leave. He topped it off with no earnings at all in the final year(so no spousal suppprt) , and removing cars trailer, motorcycle etc to the tune of almost $60000 after we separated. (They were in his company name so couldn’t get any of that back either despite the fact that some were paid entirely by me). I count myself lucky that much of the money was tied up in real estate. In the end I did get more than half of the remaining assets. It was just a game of patience and perseverance. He finally decided he wanted it done. I felt stupid for a while but realized he is a great con man and criminal which makes me his victim but I triumphed. I’m still here doing well and financially independent despite the financial horror he put me through(I’m a working independent business woman).you will be fine. It’s gets better and better once they are out of our lives

    • I did like you and wreckonciled and put myself in huge financial peril by doing so. When he decided to move home, he also decided that our house wasnt good enough for his fine self so (back when they would grant insane mortgages that were huge $ risks) he made an offer on a bigger one taking out 2 mortgages on it while we still owned the smaller one with 2 mortgages. Until I sold the small house (selling it myself to save money and Im not a realtor) we had $5000 in mortgages each month and the market crashed about 9 months later.

      He also liked to buy cars and we had massive car debt. Then 2 kids went to college. During that era, he has 2 really good paying jobs and 2 episodes of unemployment. He wanted to save money by not paying for the more expensive “Survivor Benefit” military life insurance and instead opted for a cheaper term life policy which paid out big if he died young but expired when he turned 60 (again a financial risk).

      In absolute honesty, if you had asked me back then, I loved him SO much and I was SO hopeful, if you had let me choose between him becoming a loving spouse and being poor together or him dropping dead leaving me a big pile of money, I would have chosen to be happily married to him and poor. That decision was taken out of my hands when he died.

      • Congratulations. I’m assuming he died before he hit 60 and you got the big payout? Now that’s karma!

  • I really needed this today. I just received a letter from my exes lawyer detailing that we live in a “no fault country ” but then proceeds to put in point form how my negative behaviour /faults have not helped my exes relationship with his kids. Or the relationship he wants my teenage daughters to have with his whore because she really cares about them wtf – she’s never met them.
    “I” need to prove to him that “I’m” going to try to help him have a relationship with his daughters – all this comes from an idiot who put into an email to his 16 yr old daughter that he wouldn’t speak to them until financial settlement was over and if they didn’t accept the whore then his relationship with them was “non negotiable”! It wouldn’t exist
    Please. And he wonders why not only his children don’t speak to him but no counsellor/pyschologist won’t bother with him either and recommend no contact for kids
    Then to top it off ends the letter that “he is adamant that “I”will be held accountable for my conduct”

    • As Violet said, completely inappropriate for his lawyer to write you. Save all the documentation (including STBX’s email to the kids). He’s gearing up for a fight AND a charge of parental alienation against you.

      • Yes already copping that I’m alienating the kids My ex SIL is the one pushing that rubbish all over FB and using my children’s names in her posts. All helping my case as she is going to be a witness in our case for court against me. My lawyer said I have a harassment case or I can keep letting her defame me and discredit her in court. Which is what I have chosen to do. My kids mean much more than my good name
        See even their families behave stupidly!!!

    • He’s trying to intimidate you.. my ex did that crap as well. His lawyer sent me a gag order because I told his family the TRUTH about why we were divorcing. It was worded something like, “Got-a-brain may not send inflammatory texts to fuckwits family, friends or coworkers as this isn’t not in the best interest of the children” (I never contacted his co-workers, I’m not an idiot, which is more than I can say for him).

      Oh, I’m sorry my response to his shitty behavior is the problem. I asked my attorney if that was an infringement of my freedom of speech, since it was the documented TRUTH. She told me, I could tell people, but it wouldn’t work out well for me with child custody, because it would make me look like I was unwilling to co-parent cooperatively. So, let me get this straight, his affairS have nothing to do with the wellfair of our children, but my telling his family about it does? Mmmmm… the shit sandwich served up With a big helping of doormat!

        • Speaking of true.. the truth especially hurts the disordered-it shatters their facade and their actual belief that what they did was not a bad thing. Walk in the truth-as long as it’s true and can be proven with objective data then how can it be viewed as defamation or require that a gag order be placed? This crap is just maddening!

  • My idiot ex liked to surf the net using Yahoo, I like Google. We were separated but living in the same house. He was away working and I changed the search engine from Yahoo to Google. He was too lazy to log out of his (unknown to me) Gmail account. I saw the symbol for gmail in the corner and clicked.

    Low and behold, all the emails to the various dating sites, the usernames and passwords for most of them. It was shocking. Him being stupid and lazy allowed me to gather evidence of his infidelity, and even though Australia is a no fault country, in NSW there is a law called financial disadvantage that allows you to recover joint monies used for non-joint things. I was able to print out the proof of the financial abuse which will be highly advantageous if we have to go to court.

    • I would love to know if there is a similar law in Victoria: to the NSW financial disadvantage law

  • My second D-day (yes I’m a chumpie Chump)…

    I have my STBX’s beloved outdoor kitchen that he just had to have, to thank for discovery. We were building an outdoor kitchen and the men pouring the concrete needed the specs for the inserts. I tried calling fuckwit over and over with no answer so I logged onto his computer to see if the order was in his email. Being that I was a previous Chump I had drank the reconciliation cool-aid and had stopped snooping up to that point (4 years post d-day). Well I couldn’t find the specs, but I did hit his iMessage and was promptly presented with a text between him and an escort bargaining price and announcing the address of the hotel he was staying at for “work”. It’s amazing the crap these fuckwits cover-up with “work”.

    Anywho, I promptly screenshotted that text, printed it out, sealed it in an envelope marked with his name, dropped it with the receptionist at his office and drove straight to my attorney.

    He is butt hurt about the outdoor kitchen (which turned out beautifully and I frequently enjoy) and had the nerve to say, “I’ve never asked you to pay me back for the outdoor kitchen!” Hahah, the nerve! Are you kidding me right now!

    • Wow, your ex! What a complete dipshit! Love that you drove straight to your lawyer after dropping off the envelope.

      It’s fun to imagine the other cool stuff you could have done with that screen shot, though, isn’t it? Like, OOOOPS, sent the wrong attachment to the summer cookout to which you invited all of his family, friends, and colleagues. Dang, I hate it when that happens!

  • As I was reading, I got an uneasy, sick feeling for Meh. While some of the cheaters do seem to make glaring mistakes-

    I believe that make up for it in diabolical scheming. Pure evil. Ruthless, laugh in your face, fuck you, no holds barred cage match fighting.

    The kind of fighting that lawyers, judges, neighbors and even families do not see coming, and then do not believe the chump when it happens because it is so out of bounds of acceptable conduct.

    The chump standing on a mountain of gold, arms raised in victory, is not seen much here.

    It is more often the image of a battered, bewildered person sitting by the road, surrounded by black smoke and tears, car totaled- blindsided by another attack by someone who has no moral stop signs.

    I would never get too “sassy” while in the thick of trying to escape a disordered person. It makes me think of a horror movie where a heroine gives a monster a shot in the leg, feels magnanimous that she spared his life- then he rises up and disembowels her.

    • Hey CTTL! I totally get your concerns and they are absolutely valid. But trust me when I tell you that I know the monster never dies the first time. “No, you idiot! The monster isn’t dead yet! He’s right behind that corner!”

      Writing and humor are the two things that have gotten me through the 56 years of my life. Always and without fail. If you had seen me yesterday, curled up in my bed crying because Porky Pig thought it was a good idea to introduce the OW to my children at a work-function barbecue you would realize that I am not sassy or self-congratulatory. My letter to Chump Lady was one of many I’ve written in an effort to process the pain.

      What I really am is fortunate to have a good therapist and wonderful family and friends who help me focus on the reality of what is happening. Oh, and a good lawyer. I trust them. This is a chess game and they are better, more experienced players than I am. Right now, I do what they tell me to do.

      Peace to you and all chumps everywhere!

      • Hi Meh,
        I wish you could be sassy. Or any of us. I got “sassy” a few times and then I had the petrifying realization that I was battling someone who was not dwelling on the same planet as me.

        As in…..this person had fooled me into believing they operated with a human mind that had some scrapes of empathy rolling around in there for me. They were none.

        My concern for you, and anyone white knuckling through this is- never underestimate how vicious they will become. I thought I was savvy, sophisticated…worldly! And I never saw the depths of his depravity coming my way. If I had known, I could have gotten better weapons. Steeled my spine. I thought those “tender” moments (gag) and shared history would buy me some compassion and mercy. They did not.

        I am relieved for you that you have an army of warriors to help you beat him down.

        When it comes time for the kill shot- do not hesitate. Do not let your hand be stayed with pity or mercy. Destroy him.

        • ((((CTTL))))

          I hope this is how you say “hugging you” online. Nothing is as gutting as realizing the tender moments and shared history only exist(ed) in our minds.

        • Come to the Light,

          This is perhaps the worst part of this whole ordeal. We never really knew them and everything we thought we had shared is no longer real anymore. And yes, once the mask is off, they will stoop so low and without a trace of a conscience, that you will continue to feel punched in the gut.

        • Come to the Light – I cannot agree with you more.

          Once the mask was off and I got a full confession from him and his girltress, he became uber cruel, dragging the divorce on as much as he could.

          His betrayal rocked my world, the divorce proceedings left me gutted. At least I have a lock tight divorce decree he cannot con his way out of. I still have their confessions, which of course offers interesting leverage now that they are married… It will never be their words against mine about how and when their relationship started, it is their own admissions of their suckiness, available to anyone who wants to play Switzerland…

          I consider my divorce decree the death certificate of a marriage that ended probably earlier than I will ever know… I have many years left in shared custody, and from what I’ve been hearing, I am quite sure that my X and his wifetress are bringing each other all the happiness they both deserve.

  • Okay Chump Lady, full disclosure: I am blessed to have a wonderful sister who is a lawyer and who not only guided me to this site but who also walked me through the necessary steps to take, even when I didn’t realize they were necessary. I have spent many hours in an emotional fetal position, and still have those moments. But, overriding anything else, I felt and feel an overwhelming imperative to protect my children and their futures. That means protecting mine as well. To do this, I must “act as if” I am mighty, even when I don’t believe it.

    One of the many gifts that you and CN have given me is the ability to see humor in this experience. This is so huge that I just don’t have the words to thank you and all the chumps who share here. Finding things to laugh about is healing. Laughter helps diminish the pain. I’m actually sort of disappointed to have discovered that Porky Pig is not more original in his fuckupedness. Regardless, I hope to contribute more stories of his absurd behavior.

    One thing I want to be clear about (although you, as always, seem to “get it”). Porky Pig in a federal penitentiary is not Porky Pig who is paying alimony and child support. I’m not stupid. I’m just enjoying the deliciousness of leverage. Now, that *does* feel mighty!

    Love to you and all chumps everywhere! Happy Memorial Day!

  • My lying cheating ex was so stupid. He moved out in October 2016, but was playing me as mister nice guy and was coming to the house while I was at work so he could feed the dogs and let them out during the day. Well, dumb ass left his messages open on the computer right before Thanksgiving. I copied them all and went to a lawyer. He was shocked when he got served after Thanksgiving. “I thought we were going to do this without lawyers” he said. Nope, I said, I want it done right.

    Dumb ass thought I was still the stupid lady believing all his lies. He thought I was nice. He was wrong. He trusted my niceness so much, he never answered the petition. He kept taking care of the dogs, and I let him while I waited patiently for the waiting period to end. Then I texted him on the court date to let him know I was taking the day off work so he didn’t need to come check on the dogs. I went to court and divorced his ass. He had no idea. I told him a week later and sent him the decree. He texted me, “I thought we talked about splitting the house 2/3 and 1/3, but this looks 50/50” I texted him back, no dumb ass, I got it all–the house, and everything in it. BYE!

    They think they are so smart, but they are dumb, dumb, dumb.

        • Ha. Well living in an “at-fault” state and not breeding with the liar made it a bit easier on me than most. I know that and thank my lucky stars every day that I am done with him and I walked away with enough to start over. I had to go through hell to get here, though. He was not a good man in many, many ways.

  • OMG, Meh or Bust, you got a clone of my Cocky Contemptuous Cheater!! (Very precise words to describe this category, BTW.)

    My cheater has a PhD in Genetics and is supposedly specialized in Foresight Studies, of all things. But at every other meeting with my lawyers I get the same question from them: “for Christ’s sake, is he stupid!?” Because, thanks to wanting to increase his Sparkle Index, Baron Fucker von Whoresight is full of debts and his Sly Slut Flatterfucks have turned out to be far smarter about the future than he is.

    Thanks to my pit bull lawyers, even though I live in a no-fault country (lucky you, Meh or Bust) I won’t have to split von Whoresight’s debts, debts which actually helped us grab him by the balls to get a better settlement than would be possible by the law. He can’t pay his debts until we reach a settlement, so I took my time while his debts were running up. THEN he started to think about the future.

    As Chump Lady says, cheaters will only back down when hurting chumps hurts them more.

    Since I have to eat this shit, at least he did me a favor being so stupid.

    Cheering for you mighty Meh or Bust! Your cheater should hang his Certificate of Cockiness (divorce decree) along with his diplomas in electromagnetic physics.

    PS: I have a despicable colleague in my department, also a PhD, full professor, etc., who got busted by his ex-wife because he did not know that all his Apple toys synchronized. He came back from a symposium and found his house half empty and divorce papers on the table. He actually tried to dump his AP on me so he didn’t have the responsibilities, only the fun. And his ex introduced me to my pit bull lawyers.

  • My ex is definitely stupid in terms of book-smarts, but he is incredibly smart when it comes to conning, lying, and manipulating other people.

    For some of these disordered, court orders and settlements mean nothing. My ex agreed to a small settlement, and to a nice child support amount, then did not bother to pay either of them in full, and quit his job so he could claim he didn’t have the money. Local child support agency has never cared about this; they get money from him on the occasions he has short-term, part-time jobs, they do nothing when he doesn’t. It’s been seven YEARS since he quit that job, and he has not worked a full-time, regular, steady job since. Has not owned or rented his own home; he mooches off family and friends. Does not even own a car any longer. He owes me tens of thousands of dollars.

    Never count your eggs with these freaks until they are securely in your basket.

    • “Never count your eggs with these freaks until they are securely in your basket.”

      Glad, that is what I expressed above. And then lock the basket in a gun safe and post an armed sentry around it.

      I wish I could get giddy or excited about tales of triumph. But, these “people” succeed in James Bond level acts deception and cruelty while living with their family.

      When courts and law enforcement are presented with evidence of their betrayal, because it took place in a divorce or the abyss of “bedroom” dynamics, I get more yawns or subtle impatience than the outrage that is only signaled back to me on this board.

      We can say they are “dumb”…but are they? Perhaps they simply don’t care what we know, because they don’t care about us. Society lets them steal half our assets, still see their children and usually…there are no jaw dropping consequences, no punishment, not even social stigma.

  • These so called “smart” cheaters are really dumb in reality. The ClusterFuck B Sociopath was fucking around with CockSlobber for about 6 months before d-day. I was aware something was going on, but I was so beat down I didn’t even care to find out officially.
    Then on Aug 12, 2015 I decided it was time to find out who his latest ho was. It took me a total of 5 minutes. ??????
    The rest is history.
    Moral of story: in their pea brained minds they believe chumps are not smart enough to figure out their extra curricular activities. Bitch please, I was always way ahead of the Sociopath in brains. I have the ability to recognize consequences of certain risky behaviors. While these fuckwits may have some book smart talent, they are incredibly stupid when it comes to common sense.
    So, let’s see, The Sociopath is fucking around AGAIN. It’s obvious. He guards his phone like a pit bull. I know he is not text messaging for fear I will figure that out…but alas, there is this new thing called SnapChat which removes evidence immediately. Yep, right up his alley. This chump got online, figured out his password, and BAM!!! Conversing with CockSlobber within five minutes. He was pretty surprised I found out via his top secret SnapChat account. Idiot, it was obvious.

  • “It’s easy to deceive someone who trusts you. ”

    Three years ago to the day marks both Dday and the final court doccument marking my divorce. Today is my freedom day marking three years of being cheater free.

    I spent yesterday with an amazing chump friend as the Limited enlisted his adult children to help him move from the dump he’s called home for three years. In February the apartment below him was condemned as a baby was found sleeping on a floor with cat feces littering the apartment. Two houses down a woman murdered her boyfriend weeks earlier.

    The move was to yet another rental as the man who said he couldn’t get anywhere with me dug such a deep well of debt buying cars, going on vacations, and paying his own taxes he can’t get financed to purchase a home.

    Over the past three years I’ve supported my family, paid down my credit cards and received raises. There is no end to the stupidity that guides their every action. I’m proud of the fact I have kept my integrity intact and honor my family and commitment to living better.

    My amazing granddaughter who is sixteen years old said it best this weekend. In regards to those who abandoned her she said, “I don’t really care about them as what they do no longer impacts my life.” It’s not about winning. It’s about not caring. God I love her. Happy Memorial Day and thank you to all those who walk with integrity and honor.

    • “Integrity and honor come at a high price and I am happy to pay that bill” this is why this path feels so right despite the costs. That and the sense of no contact peace. This is a good reminder.

  • My cheater, who is *literally* a rocket scientist, was similarly an idiot. He’s saved every receipt for every purchase since 1992, from the package of crackers he paid $5 for in college to the credit card receipts from the strip club and the key cards from the hotels he’s taking our most recent OW to. Put it all on our joint debit card and kept having his personal credit cards send paper statements to the house. Then he spent years complaining that I wasn’t more involved in managing our money. I still can’t decide if he wanted to be caught. Once D-Day hit three months ago, it was just a matter of pulling together all the paperwork he’s been too lazy to trash for the last 11 years. And now that I know he’s been cheating for 12 of the 11 years we’ve been married, with at least 14 different women (not counting the 40+ online partners), I’m really hoping that the fault divorce will help compensate me for the tens of thousands of dollars he’s spent on these women over the years. Is it really likely to help that much? My state is a fault state, but my lawyer says that even as egregious as he’s been, I’m still likely to see only 60/40 at best.

  • The stoopid abounds. This one was seeing high end hookers on his lunch hour while chatting up women online because he was so “lonely and needy.” And every Friday he’d trot the family off to Shabbat because he was oh so pious

    Shit for brains posted REVIEWS of all these hookers on public boards for hooker reviews. With disgusting detail. Using the SAME EXACT NICKNAME he used with everyone else. Including on his Right Wing blog. Google was too easy. He tried to claim it was planted but IP addresses don’t lie

    Now he’s changed. Sure. Nicknames maybe

  • ‘The Achilles heel of every narcissist is underestimating others.’ This. Mr Cheaterpants thought he was so clever, he disdained to even attempt to cover his lazy-ass tracks. The truth was that I trusted him completely, and I knew he liked to help people who he considered less fortunate, so it only seemed natural that he lent OW a shoulder to cry on. It was only on the internets, after all. And, perfect timing, things took a turn just as I was coping with the arrival of our baby. But as soon as he made noises about leaving, I knew something was up, shored myself up and waited for things to play out. My memory of his bank passwords helped me get to grips with the financial mismanagement and he was too lazy for me to have much trouble cracking his social media accounts and seeing how it had really played out, as I was definitely getting the trickle truth. He seemed continuously half surprised/half impressed that I had bested him on all fronts.

  • As many of you my divorced was final recently. I can not give details but Mr. Pappone (pimp in Italian) always had “money” courtesy of his businesss travels. Now that the double life is over and he needs to get the hell out of the house and child support is in place. Mr. Sad Sausage is doing the sad sausage “script” to EXWIFE (me yes❗️). That he will have difficulty paying rent. Me: Like I read here!! Grayrock!!! Psycho just want me to argue and mention “whores” to aggravate me & look for keebles like oh!!! She is jealous!!! No way !!!

    I read somewhere.. My reaction and respond is my responsability. My response is….. SILENT & READING CL ON THE DAILY BASIS and OF COURSE DOING THE countdown…

    • If I so much as mention what a dog he is he says I am degrading him and being abusive, totally pointless. I’m getting saddo routine also in his pathetic attempts to come back cause of yeah living on your own is hard and we all make mistakes. A year and a half affair that is still an EA is not a mistake. Not feeding on the crumbs you throw forth. I need less contact … Sigh

      • My XH has decided that instead of following the terms of the settlement (finalized a few months ago) in regard to his drug testing, he will only start doing them IF he is allowed to take DD to Europe this summer. “Sorry. I don’t feel comfortable with that. Get your drug tests please. I don’t trust you enough to take DD to Europe. And by the way, you signed a contract that you would happily take drug tests. If you would have done them you would be well on your way to the year required in the settlement.”
        I had to hang up the phone when he went into a little narc rage about it. Of course, I made a boo boo and even spoke to him. And then, bad ex wife that I am, said “I am going to hang up now. Your narcissistic rage is not productive. Good bye” click.
        I got a barrage of texts about how I am holding his daughter for ransom (he doesn’t mention that he cancels on his actual days all the time) and to please stop labeling (as in narcissistic rage). Oh my. I forgot that it is indeed all about him and his whittle feelings. NC, NC, NC is the only way!!!! I was so good for about a month and then I had a little setback in even taking the call. I am hoping I will get the hang of this because any contact with this guy is always so exhausting. I cannot believe I was married to this crazy person!!

          • Quote:
            “My XH has decided that instead of following the terms of the settlement (finalized a few months ago) in regard to his drug testing, he will only start doing them IF he is allowed to take DD to Europe this summer.”

            Classic addict/narc bargaining tool. We lived for years begging x-sil to straighten her compulsive, lying arsed self straight. She ALWAYS had a “deal”.
            “I’ll come home (from running away) if Mom allows my boyfriend (drug seller)
            to come over.”
            “I’ll think about going to rehab IF …”
            “I would stop lying to you guys WHEN…”
            “I’m CONFUSED over what the agreement really was…. WHAT were the rules again?”
            100% bullshit.

            Amazing thing about relationship control. The cheater/narc who believes they have it, I mean you care about them ONE CHIP – will use it relentlessly against the people who love them and only want the best for them.
            What I now know is that if you detect this going on – you HAVE to let go of the convincing them to do the right thing. Even if their children are involved.

            They will never straighten up.

  • My cheating ex broke the news of his new-found true love , when we were overseas in India ( my parents and my sister live there). He left me at my parents home to roam with the schmoopie ( who had travelled to India in the stealth)

    We made a plan to blast his cheating ass.Funnily all of us – mom and sisters- sound the same on the phone.

    My mom mimicked me on the phone while I fled back to Australia to wash out the bank account, change locks , get an attorney and bin his belongings outside the gate.
    The cheater checked in every day on the phone- making sure that I was in India- didn’t realise it was my mother talking to him:)
    Boy was he shocked, when he reached the Indian airport and Not find me there!

    When he finally got on the flight and reached Oz, guess who opened the door for him? My Dad who flew up with me??
    You can imagine the rest!

    • Desdemona, you and your family rock! The “tard was scared of my father but was emboldened upon his death to go searching for his schmoopie. Took a few years until #3 took the bait. Trying to organise a Melbourne Oz chump gathering in July if you are interested – go to the forums and message Tempest, she’ll put us in touch.

  • My ex kept telling me that she was at Starbucks studying – at 11:30 mind you – when I was taking care of our 4 kids. When asked about “which Starbucks is open at this hour,” I would get the “they let me stay and finish while they closed” lie. Then she left her computer open and left and I saw what she was saying and doing… it takes a special kind of stupid to do this. “I am smart that I shouldn’t have to stay at home!” Yep, so smart…

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