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UBT: “You’re nobody’s muse.”

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Stupid Shit Cheaters Say still surprises me. Sure 99.9 percent of it is trite and well-tred cheater speak, but every now and then a nugget of pure mendacity stands out. A nugget like — “You’re nobody’s muse.”

Oh hey, I’m sorry Cheater. Yes, I’m not a daughter of Zeus. Was I supposed to inspire you to greater feats of creativity and failed? Here’s a creative suggestion — go fuck yourself with a hot glue gun.

Chumps just can’t win the sparkles sweepstakes. Forever cast as the Obstacle to Happiness, muse status is conferred upon affair partners instead. Sure, you might serve some sort of purpose, but fuck buddies make better kibbles.

“Nobody’s muse” came from “ChicagoRefugee” who, after 25 years of marriage failed to divinely inspire. She writes, “The OW is not only young enough to be my daughter, she’s a New Age ‘energy’ froot loop.” I thought I’d put Chicago’s SSCS submissions through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

“I’m learning to be emotionally healthy with her. She’s like a muse to me.”

I think it is emotionally healthy to expect relationships with mythical creatures. You’re an actual person with needs. She’s an other-worldly being.

I’m not a fuckwit abandoning his family of 25 years — I’m “emotionally healthy.” Or learning to be. The fuckwit thing comes naturally.

“You’re just jealous because you’re nobody’s Muse.”

I’m sorry you can’t be Helen of Troy. No one will ever launch a thousand ships for you or start wars in your honor. That makes me sad for you. Doomed ordinary mortal, try to contain your jealousy. We can’t all be Gods.

It’s not what I did (cheat, lie), it’s what you are (imperfect).

“She said I was a creative genius, ‘the complete package.'”

Kibbles, kibbles, kibbles, I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE KIBBLES!

All it takes for me to toss out my family is to call me a “creative genius.” If abandonment was creativity, I could write entire symphonies.

Yes, I am a package. Complete the way bricks are shy of load, or picnics are missing a few sandwiches. (Contents may shift due to shipping.) But trust that I am awesome and you are not.

“According to her, I have powerful enough energy to be a shaman.”

You may see divorce lawyers, but I will ward them off with my powerful shaman energy! Your financial discovery process is no match for me, Attorney! BEHOLD MY MAGIC CRYSTAL!

“You need to get your shit together, then maybe we can meet again on the other side of this.”

Um, if my magic, creative genius powers don’t last with the Muse, you’ll still be Plan B, right? Right???

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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Thank you CL for my first laugh of the day. Sad that I can see my ex in those words but your UBT is spot on as always – thank goodness I can say EX these days.

    • Those may not be my STBX’s exact words, but the gist was the same. Although, I will say that Chicago’s SSCS definitely had a creative twist. No matter how they are phrased, they are aimed at trying to inflict hurt on the chump and make him/her feel unworthy and to blame for the failure of the marriage.

      The version I got was “You do not know me this past year. I am happy. I drank because I was not happy. I did not come home because I was not happy. I cheated because I was not happy. I lied because I didn’t want to add insult to injury. I am a better person than I was. I put OW before anything and everything else. I am sorry things did not work out. I hope we can find a way to get along.” Blah, blah, blah

      Meanwhile, he skips out on 90% of his parenting time, devalues his business, and tries to hide income by hiring his girlfriend as his first ever employee since owning his business (he started it in 1999). And he continues to send me verbally abusive texts at least twice a month.

      Yeah…you are much improved.

      • Mine said immediately after discovery, “I deserve to be happy.”

        What do I deserve? To be lied to, misled, deceived, withheld from affection. To give up my career and take care of our daughter so you could pursue yours and have affair after affair?

        I know I am better off without him and honestly I don’t miss HIM. I miss the sense of family. But I am STUCK IN REGRET. Regret for losing my adult life to this amuck. Regret for giving up my career. Regret for losing my identity. Regret for putting up with a marriage that wasn’t meeting my needs.

        • GE —-

          30 years in and I felt the same way you do… It does get better and since mine remarried recently to his college GF, I feel released and no longer stuck. Yes it sucks that I spent so many years in his orbit and catering to his every whim because I thought I needed to do that to be happy, but we have two lovely girls and they are my best buds. He’s missing out on their 20’s because of wifey as they want nothing to do with either one of them. Someday he’ll realize that he’s still not happy… living back home with “Mother and Father” and wifey on a farm in the middle of nowhere while working at a second rate job. He’s scrambling to make ends meet and look successful, but twu luv must realize in her soul-less brain that he’s a fraud and not the successful man he pretends to be.

          As for me, I’m happy! And nowadays when I don’t want to do something or go some place, I just say no. I am the only one I have to answer to and it’s refreshing!

        • My loserX spent about $5,000 dollars for his day in court, only to have the judge tell him to shut up. She was a tough old bird and she knew a psychopath when she was one. I paid to park my car and God knows it was worth every penny and the cost of gas. Funny what $20 bucks will get you when you need a laugh.

      • Yup mine is on number two “Muse”. And I got the whole unhappy speel almost word for word as above. He keeps using the word “soulmate”. I have to giggle because he has called all of the woman he has been involved with his Soulmate. Including me. I have asked him how many “Soulmates” one can have in a lifetime, response is crickets!!!

        I’m grateful I haven’t lost my sense of humour.

        • The word “soulmate” has become one of my biggest red flags in navigating the dating scene. Anyone who uses it doesn’t hear back from me. ☺

    • I see mr EX too except schmoopie was “his best friend” & he “put her on a pedestal.”

      Cheaters really do read from the same script

      Hahs good to lol.

  • This is fucking obnoxious, and frankly, deluded.

    “Energy to be a shaman.” Give me a fucking break! Apparently, your man doesn’t even have enough power to avoid sticking his dick in this bullshit. He’s powerless. Feeble. Like a moth to a flame…or one of those outdoor bug lights.

    Zap!!!

        • Well, the really sad thing, or weird thing or whatever, is that these cheating assholes that spew this shit are so fucking dumb that they are not even embarrassed when they say stuff like this.
          I have often thought that one of the big impediments to reconciliation, in addition to realizing you married a sociopath, is the realization that your spouse is an embarrassingly dumb person.
          I mean who could ever have any type of respect again, for someone that is this fucking stupid.
          Most of us, probably all of us, would choke and cringe before we could get something like ” I am a fucking shaman” out of our mouths.
          I can relate to this as this is the type of new age garbage my first wife would spew and I was always embarrassed by it, even before I found she was serially cheating.

          • Arnold, I totally get it. My ex spouted such astoundingly stupid, delusional and narcissistic bullshit during our separation and divorce, I almost feel embarrassed for him when I look back. Of course, he truly believed all that nonsense, and still does, so no point in my wasting time on emotions for any of the past. And I cannot even count all the times he embarrassed me during our marriage with his over-the-top bids for attention. His new GF is welcome to him.

          • “..s the realization that your spouse is an embarrassingly dumb person.”

            This Arnold!! A thousand times, THIS!

            I always give this disclaimer before divulging my cheater story; that I’m embarrassed to have married such an idiot.

            • The Limited never called her his soulmate. He FOUND someone. During my evidence seeking I found a note calling her a Dream Girl.

              He is definitely an embarrassment and quite dumb. He ‘found’his match.

              The day I met her and she went. crazy swearing and belittling me in a crowded place I simply said, “That’s a Dream Girl? What an embarrassment.”

              Just disturbingly dumb to the core.

          • I wish my STBX were more embarrassingly stupid, but he is too good at image management. He would never say dumb stuff like the guy in this article. It irritates me that he is so good at impressing people. On the surface he seems like a rational decent person and in all fairness he is a generally competent and hard working person, but underneath it all his mind is twisted. I used to tell people that the only fault he had was that he was nearly perfect which meant that he couldn’t understand the rest of us who aren’t. I spent years trying to keep up with him and live up to his standards. Obviously I failed, but it irritates me that he hasn’t yet figured out that Schmoopie isn’t perfect either. Someday he will, however. That’s his pattern. I am not the first person he has discarded even if I am the first discarded wife.

            Meanwhile, in spite of outward appearances, he is still stupid in his own way. He doesn’t know how to think long term. He acts in the moment driven completely by his emotions. He doesn’t stop to think about how his actions (be it spending, having an affair, quitting his job, etc.) might impact his future or the future of the people close to him. He thinks she “cares” about him when she has never really done anything meaningful to improve his life. Meanwhile he thinks I didn’t love him because after 25 years together I failed to live up to his standards. Obviously if I really loved him I would have tried harder. Now I feel foolish for ever having tried to do the impossible at all.

            • I was married to Mr. Perfect, (in his eyes) he couldn’t understand why the rest of the world wasn’t more like himself.
              I spent my life trying to meet his standards.
              As perfect as he claimed to be he occasionally said stupid things.
              Here’s one that immediately came to mind, something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

              “Brit, you’re no June Cleaver.”

              Yes, he actually said that.

              • STBX wanted a cross between June Cleaver and Glam Girl and instead he got me. Poor baby.

          • A thousand times – yes! Now that I’m not there to temper his decision-making and fix resulting mistakes, I can see that ex makes such DUMB decisions on his own (and it’s times two with Schmoopie). His bizarre thought processes don’t even make sense to others. My teenage kids and I are often left scratching our heads… I’m so glad I’m not responsible for him anymore.

          • I feel you, as the kids say.

            Knew he wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I always thought that he was loyal. Heavens knows that he claimed loyalty as a basic character trait of his often enough.

            Who knew that was all just … what’s the opposite of projection? Appropriation? Personal appropriation of my character traits. *face/palm*

            • My ex doesn’t see auras, but he feels energy. Seems he thought he was a shit-hot empath – shame he wasn’t a good enough empath to notice that the girl (half my age) he left me for wasn’t in love with him and all the running away with her to Mongolia to worship the Lords of the Mountain was all in his imagination…

              He thought she was a shit-hot empath too, surprising that in the horrendous 6 months before he left, she didn’t notice that he was infatuated by her…

    • That one had me rolling on the floor! Talk about stupid shit cheaters say, this tidbit definitely makes the top ten. Enough energy to be a shaman? How about enough gullibility to buy her new age bullshit? Or enough money to make sure she doesn’t have to work? She is basically comparing him to a priest, but he certainly doesn’t appear to have the moral fiber for that responsibility.

    • Not my man. Not anymore.

      And thanks to this place I can finally say “Thank goodness!”

  • Shaman. My UBT hasn’t woken up yet today, I cant even.

    Chump can never compare with the admiring protege…its best we don’t try.

    My nowdeadcheater was sure I was keeping him from being a professional mountain climber…if I hadnt wrecked his fun (and God hadnt called him off Earth) they could have met up under the strings of prayer flags in Nepal and discussed their awesomeness.

      • That’s why I love you Chump Lady!! Always the right, snarky and funny as hell retort! LOL

          • Mine said I prevented him from becoming a famous actor, which was his destiny, because of something I did in the 90s. I have no idea what that “something” was, maybe I told him we didn’t have enough money for an expensive acting class.

            • Mine was a drummer who never made it but pissed his twenties away when he should have been focusing on his passion, seriously the ship has sailed too late. Reality bites.

          • I kept mine from being FAMOUS. When I tried to reason with him that he does need to get at least a little job for us to survive, he would tell me to ‘be quiet’ and look good when he is someday on TV with the city mayor, and other politicians.
            I did not know about sociopaths and their delusions…so I thought he might be mentally ill..
            Two years out of it, and my grandiose narcissist is living with mommy, owing three months on rent prior to being evicted, and 7 months of his super minimal child support. The imputed income is less than a teenager working part time at a coffee shop.
            Divorce is almost final. It is stuck on him not being able to go see the lawyer, since he cannot afford him. His lawyer will explain to him that jokes are over and there is something called Family Responsibility Office. They have this weird obsession about insisting that fathers pay support, like, the first of every month, to the point of canceling their drivers licence, confiscating their financed brand new sports car and even arresting him! This loser is about to discover the real world. This, and the fact he is no longer my problem is my sweet karma bus coming round! He will get nasty and bully me to withdraw the FRO, but I will not, of course. They are unreal.

    • Mine yearned for so many years to be a pilot. He dreams of flying through the skies. I’m sure I somehow kept him from achieving that dream. What with my controlling of all the family finances (since he had a tendency to go into horrible debt when he was in charge, as he is currently doing now that he’s off leash). I mean, flying lessons aren’t cheap – and we can’t afford an airplane like his Daddy could when he was a boy (Daddy is also a cheating narcissist who likes to rack up debt….oh if only the cliche’s weren’t all true…) I wish he’d fly to Timbuktu.

      • I did encourage my STBXs flying. I let him spend the money to become a pilot. When he later decided to quit his $200,000/yr job because it didn’t make him happy and he would rather work towards his goal of becoming a flight instructor I let him do that and then encouraged him to keep up with the flying in an around being SAHD so that he could in fact become a flight instructor which he eventually did.

        So how did he thank me for all of that understanding, support and willingness to live on a tight budget? He had two affairs and left me for affair partner #2 because he didn’t believe that I loved him.

        It doesn’t matter what we do or don’t do, they are going to shit on us anyway. There is always another excuse.

        • So true, Chumpinrecovery. There is absolutely no choice or action that we could have done to demonstrate our love for them that they would have recognized as such. Bottom line, they are not capable of feeling something like gratitude (or any other emotion for that matter). They are empty shells who only see themselves and blame everyone else for anything that they feel deprived of.

        • Oh yes, and I let him cash in a life insurance policy to buy the airplane too. Cost a bundle to maintain even when not flown.

    • I just can’t get over how “universal” these idiots are. My cheater’s latest OW (also young enough to be my daughter and who has FOUR teenagers by THREE different men) was in awe that he managed to climb Mount Roraima. I found a cute little letter written on artisanal paper with hearts and arrows decorating it about how her heart was so tiny and squeezed in fear that he would not make it back and how proud she was of his strength and courage and how good this feat was for his wellbeing.
      Barf!
      In the mean time the bank has been calling MY phone daily since last week about missed payments on his fancy 4X4 jeep, essential to his wellbeing and image, plus the imported mini cooper that costs a fortune to maintain, he is lying to the judge about the origin of his debts. Cheater blames his children, which makes me so damn angry and disgusted; he wants me to split these debts with him because “they were made for the good of the family”…

      • If you look at a “Men’s Outdoor Adventurer” sort of magazine, you won’t see any needy aging parents being taken for chemo or 8 yet olds being driven by a loving dad to the dentist or a wife laid up with a bad gallbladder, no it’s all lone 40 yr old men with nice keeps and nice watches and nice golf clubs…narc paradise. Nowdeadcheater bought a brand new X-terra 4×4 and put his golf clubs and new bike in it when he drove away… fuckingasshole. I went to Mass and wept and wailed and begged God for help. oh I used to call his SUV “The Scrotumobile”.

        • Scrotumobile. I like that. Mine hated that I wouldn’t let him get a new car every theee years. He went out and bought a $65k Chevy Tahoe before we even filed for separation. Yes a single man needs a massive truck to drive around his small mountain town and make weekly trips to the airport.

          Now he’s moaning about how “unattainable” our support agreement is while he’s choaking down $1,000/mo car payments.

          But he looks like the successful divorced man and it’s all about image. Too bad he doesn’t see reality in the mirror. HE Looks like shit.

      • OMG– the money spent for “the good of the family!!!!” My X pulled that bs at trial — the Judge saw right through it– $3500 a month on bar tabs, $5,000 a month for whore’s apt?????? Trips with whore to Italy, Cabo, Vegas?????? All while he was hiding from our 4 kids for a year?????? Yeah right!

        • Glad to hear that the judge saw through it. Same crap I am dealing with. Getting divorced is taking forever and my hope (and a stack of binders documenting his spending) is that our judge will see through it too.

      • “he wants me to split these debts with him because “they were made for the good of the family”…”

        During divorce proceedings, I got an email from ex saying he owed the IRS $9K in taxes and penalties because he had cleared out his 401K. He wanted me to re-file my taxes and go joint with him so I could pay half. He wrote that this “would be in all of our best interests” and if I refused, he “did not see how he could pay child support.” Needless to say, I refused. Just couldn’t figure out how that would be in my “best interests,” LOL. As far as I know, he still owes that money to the IRS. To say nothing of the $24K he owes me in child support arrears.

    • Unicornnomore, how I love the “nowdeadcheater” address. Although I would prefer mine to live long so he could go on chasing the elusive love and find himself constantly unhappy, the other alternative would have saved me huge headaches with co-parenting with the fuckwit across the ocean.

      • You can’t imagine the number of times I wished he were here to accept the fallout of his actions, but you guys have taught me there is no accountability with these people… they go off deluded into the sunset leaving destruction in their paths.

        • Strangely enough, I read that as “leaving destruction in their PANTS,” lol!

    • Maybe God called your “nowdeadcheater” back from earth so he could spend eternity trying to “climb up” from the 8th level of Hell…

  • “Once you fix you and she fixes me it will be divine Mmmmkay?”

    My wreckage and rubble might be your fault but it is my own. Me and my rubble will be just fine on our own.

    • I love the manic pixie dream girl trope. My ex ran off with the textbook visual of this. She even had the ukulele.

      • My ex WAS this…sometimes.

        And I admit that I fell for the sparkles, although they faded over time.

        Eventually, real life and reponsibilties had to be addressed, and she sucked at that. Not totally irresponsible, but just constant complaining about the drudgeries of life that are actually just day-to-day living for everyone.

        And although she had some creative abilities, she saw herself as FAR more artistic than she was. And she romaticized an artist’s life…just as long as it didn’t contradict her expensive tastes.

        So, she found someone else to be “wowed” by her sparkles, and he swallowed the bait.

        Welcome to the club, sucka!

        • Well yes that’s it. The MPDG is usually not the long term relationship type. She wants sparkles and love and none of the day to day stuff.

          And I always say this. There’s nothing wrong with that. Not everyone was built for monogamy or long term commitments. The wrong part is pretending that you are, so you have a safety net, and hurting other people.

        • Why yes, making photo collages in commercial frames is *so* hip and creative. LOOK! It even has a rock and a dead flower glued in there! Pure creative genius.

          • My Ex’s smoopie’s social media handle was a variant of manic pixie dream girl. She was his high school student and after graduation, apparently “seduced” him into a 10 month long relationship, complete with him “sleeping over” at her college dorm, adn his declarations that he just wants to be a teenager again.

            • Don’t we all?? (Want to be a teenager again?). Those of us living in the real world recognize the difference between fantasy and reality.

  • “Go fuck yourself with a hot glue gun.”
    FOR.THE.WIN. (“Agin”)
    AWESOME CL!
    Sometimes potty mouth just feels sooo good!
    Thank you! You are the BEST!

  • I think sometimes that if you repeat the phrase “you are a creative genius” suddenly thousands of failed writers, musicians, actors and tap dancers appear miraculously on your front stoop.
    Also, Helen of Troy eventually morphs into Medusa after a few years of real life tribulations.

    • Helen of Troy – did not exactly ask for all those ships. She was kidnapped/ran off with her new lover. If (first hubs) Agamemnon had read Chump Lady, those ships (and even Achilles) would have been much better off.

      Just think of the blog he could have started…

      • Menelaus was Helen of Troy’s husband. Agamemnon was his brother, whom he went crying to and who used Helen as an excuse to invade Troy. You see, Troy was doing much, much better than Athens (Agamemnon ruled Athens) and Aggy didn’t like Troy cutting into his profits that way. Also, Menelaus was King of Sparta only through Helen, who was the heir to the throne.

        Not so terribly romantic once the root causes are known, eh?

        The things you learn during Myths and Legends class! LOL

  • Ahahahahahahaha. This was hilarious. Thanks CL. Reminded me how ex told me – and he was almost teary with emotion – how Schmoopie said that he was “the man of her life”. So glad I am over with the pain and that piece of garbage.

  • Infatuation turns grown ups into middle schoolers … we should probably not let them drive.

  • My first cheater followed his dick to the first pussy which made him feel like he was way more than the barely competent person he was. She was newly homeless and deep in addiction. “Wow, you have a car – you could be a shaman! Let’s go to your place”

    And he fell for it – right out of our marriage.

    Looser

    • Ex rescued his true love from her bad marriage. He co-signed for her car, let her move in so she could start her catering business from his house. He told me it wasn’t sexually with her (just ignore the nude photos exchanged) but a mental connection. He said they had connected mentally, she understood him and she needed him!

  • Marriage is sometimes hard. And boring. We were all fresh and sparkly once. The Cheater never seems to remember that we ALL descend into the mundanity of nonShamanness.

    Hey Shaman! If you have so much energy why is your ass always on my couch texting the Sluterus? I mean, playing Candy Crush? If you are busy inspiring monuments why do I have to look at the sebaceous cyst on your ballsack you can’t see because of your floppy panniculum?

    Give it a few years, non Muse. Being a muse is hard. From where I sit it involves mostly dealing with the ravages of time by moving into a series of shitter and shitter apartments closer to the airport.

    I’d rather have someone inspired to mow the goddamn lawn, take the daughter to Viola lessons or write a mortgage check.

    But that’s just me. Boring.

        • Me too, and I don’t even know what a panniculum is! (Not sure I want to, either, especially if it’s floppy lol)

        • Me too! He gained 60 pounds and developed moobs. So sexy!

          Meanwhile, I stayed within 10 pounds of what I weighed when we met. Somewhat under now – the amazing depression diet.

          The off-spring is having to deal with having “feels” when random guys stare at my butt at the grocery store. Not bad for an old (58) broad!

          • I’m sort of fat. My point is more…marriage isn’t sparkly.

            The reason we’re here/Every man/Every woman/Is to love one another/Take Care of each other – Chrissie Hynde.

            • Ya, I was just being catty at his expense. *hangs head*

              Always told the off-spring you have to love people “warts and all” and I meant it too. The STBX didn’t feel the same way, apparently.

    • Agree!

      I don’t want your shamanesses shamanny shit….just inspire yourself to pick your socks up off the damn floor!

      And the texting shit….how dumb do they think we are? Cuntycrush…..assholes.

    • Did the Cheater cause the move to shittier and shittier apartments closer to the airport? If so, that line is hilarious. If it happened later, I’m really sorry —

      • Oh goodness no! Daughter and I have the same charming funky junky house I brought to the marriage. Except it’s being remodeled into a happy little gem. He’s moved into his third apartment in three years. Lost primary custody of his older daughter. Struggling to make ends meet.

        We went on three vacations last year. I’m paying double payments on my last big debt (student loans).

        We’re good!

  • Nope, I wasn’t a muse. He wanted me to be his mommy.
    Thanks, CL, for starting my day off right!

  • What a crock- besides, being a muse sucks. You can never be touched the way you want to be.

  • Floppy High Five to the “Shaman”. Hey Shaman with a Froot Loop Muse, how’s that working out for you.

    I imagine you’ve grown out your beard to compensate for your thinning hair line. No need for shoes and clothing, as a Shaman you’re most likely going barefoot and only wearing a man diaper made of hand weaved hemp and decorated with Froot Loops by your could be daughter aged Muse.

    No need for a home, as Froot Loop Shaman a parking lot at your local Costco that supplies crate sized boxes of your favourite cereal could be your spiritual domain.

      • ?lmao ….”man diaper made of hand weaved hemp” adorned w Froot loops and wearing a pooka loop necklace

        Lol more than a couple times all the way from CL start!

  • The STBX declared, at several points, that I just was not a good companion, unlike his various AP’s, whose most excellent qualities included alcoholism, huffing, adultery, dishonesty, stealing, DUI’s, and blowing the married boss on the regular. Well, right. Who could possibly measure down (wayyyyyyyy down) to that? Inadvertent cheater truths included, “We are just too different.” Indeed, we are.

    • I got that too. “We just want different things.” I actually agreed with him on that one. I want a husband who prioritizes his wife and family and is capable of being faithful. He wants to live like he is single and screw women young enough to be his daughter.

      • Ditto!
        Last time X hoovered back (before I went permanent block on my iPhone) I told him the same: “You were dead right, douche bag, and now, like you, I see our marriage how it really was — a complete sham. Every formerly positive memory is forever transmuted into part of your con. You have nothing I want from a partner– by definition you are incapable of ever partnering with me because my baseline is loyalty, honesty, fidelity. Buh bye loser…..”.

        X was stunned into silence. His jaw actually dropped.

        • Looking on the bright side…it makes disengaging from them easier when memories can no longer draw you in. When you realize that potentially every memory the two of you shared is no longer real because he wasn’t honest with you, it is easier to detach the emotion from them.

          • I’m in the same boat, but having pain from 30 years of memories together is still tough. I keep the memories with my daughters, but try to forget the one with cheating xw.

            • Yes me too…..I wish, no, I want to fully disconnect from the last 25+ years. Especially the years after Dday 1, which really felt like Dday Decades because cheaterfreak had to trickle truth me nearly to death. I’m getting there even if it’s happening slowly. So at least there is a bit of progress now.

              Some memories I can’t think about without shuddering – so those are easier to toss. Usually because of something he did or said or one of those horrible realizations when a few puzzle pieces clicked together seemingly out of nowhere? The kind where you’re like WTFH? And you can’t believe it yet you know it’s true?

              Like, learning that he _____ (fill in the blank, so many choices) while I was pregnant with one of our kids? This is right about when one starts entertaining thoughts of shoving a shamwow on a stick in the shaman’s lying liarhole’s diarrheal lying hole to slow down the outpouring. But, it’s like Niagra Effing Falls level of shit bc of all that Shaman Superpower ? They all suck

              I sometimes wonder really why the flying fuck any of it still hurts me and start to think there’s something really wrong with me. I know there’s not, except for being terribly slow to process this unholy trauma. Motherfuckers.

  • My XW (before I closed the bakery via divorce) rhapsodizing about what the her Muse OM promised her if she leaves her family:

    “OM said we are two swimmers who will swim side by side in the ocean of life; if I get tired, he will tread water and hold me until I have the strength to swim again. But he will never keep me from my dreams. I will be independent but together.”

    See, all during our marriage I did everything for XW; she is a classic BPD child. And she loved it. Once I caught her leading a double life, the marital rewrite commenced and that changed to me being controlling and holding her back. From what? I still have no idea since she’d always told me she had everything she wanted with me and our children.

    Five years later she is still a BPD child, broke off their engagement because he “doesn’t meet all the needs that I (her XH) did” and is miserable in her life with the OM who apparently has gotten tired of treading water.

    Me? Today I’m going swimming in the ocean. By myself. I’m serious.

    She can have the metaphors. I’ll stick with real life.

    • Yes David2016. That’s what it all boils down to, isn’t it? They reject real life. They don’t want the actual beauty, power, and transcendence of what is actual and in front of them. They don’t want the real beauty of the physical world because they’d rather chase the blurry hallucination of alcohol, drugs, or other addictions. They don’t want the very real, deep love of a good spouse who would work their whole life for them and feed them soup from a spoon and turn them every 45 minutes if they were ever sick or infirm. They want want some image, some hologram who looks right, or laughs right, or makes them feel like they will never need soup from a spoon. They are shells. If people could be metaphors, they are. Empty shells, like all their bullshit words.

      • Excellent Jojobee. Someone who makes them feel like they will never age or need to sip from a spoon. I do think a fear of aging is a huge factor in their desperate choices.

        • It certainly was for X. He was always egotistical and basked in accolades, but as he aged, it got much worse. He could not handle the fact that he no longer was king of the hill. Desperate to be viewed as attractive, he was willing to believe whatever bullshit OW told him about how “sexy” he was. My love for X was never based on his physical appearance, so I could not understand why it mattered so much to him. Even the most physically beautiful person in the world eventually ages; it is just a part of the process. Narcissists simply cannot handle their own physical decline and will hang onto the illusion of youth and beauty any way they can.

      • Excellent description, Jojobee.

        I would also add that they don’t want the responsibilities of parenting. They see helping with homework and driving the kids to activities as drudgery and getting in the way of having fun in life. Yet they miss all those moments that happen during those times. Times when a kid opens up and tells you their heart. Times when they say something silly and you all laugh until tears run down your face. Times when they finally get a hard concept and they wrap their arms around your neck in their joy and gratitude for the time you spent with them.

        He can take all his moments of getting drunk at some bar, gambling away his money at a poker table, or screwing young women. I will treasure these other moments.

        • This is so true. They entirely miss the moments of true intimacy that come unexpectedly, day-to-day. Mine was and is jealous of that, but also terminally incapable of it.

          • Exactly, Cashmere. Mine has said, “I felt left out and meanless.” Yet he could not connect the dots to realize that his choices to always be somewhere other than home were the reason for that. Instead, he tries to blameshift it to me as if I purposefully left him out.

          • I would also add that they are uncomfortable with true intimacy. If I look at how he spends his time, it is filled with fun but it is all shallow. He would rather sit at a bar with strangers than spend time with his kids.

            • Once again so relate to you guys getmefree and cashmere. I now realize one of his gas lighting techniques was to tell things I like to do are boring. I went to my kids’ high school arts night last night. Of course stbx didn’t go. It seems to be common for parents to complain about these things but I think most who show up enjoy it. I am so impressed with all the hard work these kids put in and the talent they display. I would far rather be at the school performance than drunk at some “jimmy buffet” concert in Las Vegas. Does that make me boring?

            • Ditto. Our 21 yo son says that on the few occasions he has met with his father in the 2 years since he abandoned X just stares at his feet and shakes his head — our son said it is so upsetting he can’t bear it. The man I knew, who seemed to be a terrific father, who adored our son, is gone. The mask is off and what’s under it is a black void. Like a horror movie only a million times worse because it’s real……and the victims are my beloved children.

              • So relate to this too.

                He asks why he would want to be around the kids…they hate him.

                Well Duh…you act like the world is going to end if you must endure 10 more minutes of one of their sports and then scream at them like a lunatic when you come home trashed after hanging out with your bar whores….of course they don’t want anything to do with you.

                I love a peaceful day when he is gone somewhere and I can sit and enjoy watching the kids play. Call me boring but that is what I live for!

              • My STBX does the same. He does go to a few of their games, but he leaves as soon as it is over without ever even talking to them. Phone calls between him and the kids last about 1-2 minutes because he runs out of things to say. He doesn’t show up for anything related to school, doctors appointments, etc. He doesn’t utilize about 90% of his court ordered parenting time. He seems to think a few hours with them a couple times a month is good.

                My son told me a few days ago, trying to make plans with his dad seems more like a chore and not worth the energy. That life is more peaceful not dealing with him. STBX doesn’t make much time for the kids but is good about sending things by text trying to get them to feel sorry for him and guilty as if they are the ones not wanting to spend time with him.

        • This is so very true about bonding between children and the sane parent. I did all the day to day. We had to all be quiet in the mornings getting ready for school/work because daddy is sleeping. Although my ex did take the kids to sports activities and coach, I realize now this was kibble feed for him. He always pushed the kids hard to practice all the time (if you have the star player, you get lots of kibbles). I worked all day, bought groceries, cooked dinner, packed lunches, did the laundry, fed the pets. He sat on the couch and watched sports and texted Schmoopie.

          My daughter wanted a puppy. It’s been a really hard year because Schmoopie was her 20 something assistant coach (talk about eating the shit sandwich). But I digress. My daughter plays with puppy. I feed and take puppy outside multiple times to potty. Puppy wants me and thinks I’m the primary caregiver.

          The bonding happens in the day to day, mundane tasks in life. It’s not in only the fun and sparkly times.

          • Ditto this on everything but the younger model. After years of serial cheating test drives, he settled on an older unit. My lawyer says he is looking for a mother to take care of him alone. I think he is right.

            Cheater has worked in the family business since he was 13. She still works there daily. We have had a Standing dinner date with mil and fil on Sundays since before we were married in 1990. Before his mother cut off contact with me because the kids don’t want to be around their dad (I fail to see the logic there) , she told me she was never close with cheater son until a few years ago. Is that a strange thing to say?

      • Some of them do want the deep love of a spouse who would feed them from a spoon and turn them over every 45 minutes. But until then, they want lots of (preferably) much younger strange to entertain themselves because their stable, loving spouse does not buy Diesel jeans or pepper his/her speech with “like” or act perky everyday, even after 2 hours sleep with a colicky infant.

        My X was 12 years older than me. He explicitly declined long-term care insurance with his employer because he said *I* was his long-term care provider. After D-day, when it was clear I was never going to forgive him, he ruefully remarked, “I thought you’d be with me into my old age.” Want to know what he did to guarantee my being his long-term care provider? Three definite affairs, almost definitely a fourth, Adult Friend Finder & Ashley Madison & at least one other adult website accounts, subtle & not-so-subtle emotional abuse.

        He thought giving me two children was his insurance policy; chumpy me was child- and family-oriented, so I’d tolerate anything. Hmm. Nope.

          • Lol! Frankly, any medical malady will do. He’s petrified of doctors, so I always had to babysit his hypochondria episodes & do the research to make sure he didn’t have a fatal illness. Whose going to do that now? The non-American AP/GF with appalling English and no background in physiology? Bwahahahah!

    • Words are such a crook of shit, they think its all romantic unique love.
      Mines blown his AP some shit about building a mud brick house together in a few years, completely laughable as he has never built a single thing in his life I kid you not, the most manly thing he has done is mow the lawn!

      • I must admit skankboy was quite the handyman. He has built retaining walls, large decks, remodeled houses, etc. If he helps the whore with anything she will have to buy the materials, that cheap, squeaky, big nose, balding, bow-legged, foul-mouthed MF!

        • I had to show him how to read a tape measure, I kid you not.
          His Dad was a self absorbed narc who showed him nothing as a kid.

      • Karma update.
        Wing nut told me AP who lives overseas is not leaving her husband. So why can’t we patch things up.
        He is a rude fucker texting me like somehow its all fine now that plan A fell through. Him and his ‘soul mate’ arent running off to build mud brick houses together. She probably realised hes a poor as a church mouse snd is better off as a kept women.
        He’s on the edge of a break down blah blah has nothing but debt.
        I engage minimally in these txts and he calls me abusive and says he hates me but wants to come back, masks off what a fucker.
        God help me find a job so I dont have to consider this bullshit.
        I am treated with disrespect and contempt and he thinks its fine, wtf.
        Eyes wide open now, yeah sure I would love to live with someone who work too much to pay off the debt he racked up on his affair and have that sinking feeling all the time of never trusting him and he can continue to manipulate and emotionally abuse me and make me dance, no thanks no deal. If It comes to it my beautiful parents will help pay the bills till I find work, not telling him that of course.
        I feel for my kids but I truly believe he is a narc user and its not gonna change.

    • Ima put em both in a sack and toss em back in the lazy rivah. Let’s see how beautifully they swim. Oh hey, look! A Deuxchebag!

      It’s so unbelievably ludicrous – I don’t know how they say this kind of shit OUT LOUD!

  • Muse, soul mate, manic pixie dream girl–you can dress her up (or, more accurately, undress her), but she’s still the woman you are choosing to cheat with. Of course, “creative genius” is also, in this jackass’s case, a good synonym for “idiot,” “adulterer,” and, most likely, “meal ticket.”

  • Wait a minute, hold up. OW tells him that he has enough energy to be a shaman and then he tells you that YOU need to get your shit together. Ooooooh boy.

  • For whatever reason, when I saw “nobody’s muse”, the song “Nobody’s Fool” by Cinderella popped up in my head:

    “Nobody’s muse, nobody’s muse…….I’m….no….muse…….nobody’s muse, nobody’s muse…..”

  • When I read this, it went through my filter and came out the other side as:

    “I have things she wants and she easily figured out I am easily exploited via flattery. As a trained professional kibble machine, she will dispense kibbles like crazy until she has drained me of what she wants — money, most likely — then give me a shiny sparkly send off about how her moving on is really best for me.”

    Of course, that’s where the a-hole comes back to you with a victim hat on: “I made such a huge mistake. You’re the best thing ever. Please let’s pretend I have a shred of character so you can dig me out of the terrible hole I’ve jumped into feet first.”

    Um, no, Bitch. Hey, I hear you’re a shaman — go ahead and energy-meditate yourself out of there. I’ll toss in some art supplies as a muse for your creative genius. I’ll include a hot glue gun and sparkly glitter. After you get your shit together and come out of your hole (all covered in crap you’ve glued to yourself, preferably), we can meet again on the other side of this (in court).

  • Hilarious – if vomit producing! What is so funny is that this ridiculous old narc is quite clearly being love-bombed by a young narc himself. They both sound as pseudo-deep (read completely shallow) as each other. Good luck to the revolting pair, I’m sure it’ll turn ugly eventually, although I expect he will come out the worst – she is still young and will find a new target more easily. Hot glue guns for both!

    • Yup, that’s pretty much my take on it. He’s been an abject failure career-wise at age 50 (one reason for his abject escapism,) so he’s got no dough to speak of, but he can still deliver the sparkles when he chooses.

      Insert flattery, receive sparkles and deep soulful gazes. And “energy,” musn’t forget the “energy.”

      Blech.

  • Oh my gosh, Mrs. Chump Lady, you’ve outdone yourself this time. I literally laughed out loud. Well done!

  • This is proof once again how great their egos are. How wonderful to have an adoring young thing waiting breathlessly for the pearls of wisdom that fall out of your mouth. I’m sure she is also waiting for the money that falls out of your pocket. The free ride you’re going to give her while she screws somebody her own age behind your back. I can almost guarantee that when the money runs out so will she. x said ow was the only one who understood him. Which is true, I don’t understand amoral cheaters. Alas he lost his shaman status when the thrill of deception wore off and the reality of living with the real him set in. It really sucks when rainbows and glitter don’t last forever

  • Geez! I thought it was bad when my cheating ex said, “I’ll be a better dad as a divorced dad.” And my favorite, “The reason I’m so happy is that I’m happy that I’m finally getting rid of you!”

    • Yes, one day, while planning the escape to OW (3000 miles away) he told me that he was sure that he would be “a great dad” from that distance. The kids learned to never count on him for anything, ever.

      • “The kids learned to never count on him for anything, ever.”

        ^^ This.

        Oldest kid (young adult), contemplating the possibility of alcoholic/cheater/liar dad moving far away to live with the OW, says: “He’s been emotionally absent to me for years, anyway.”

    • Mine said the same thing when he flat out refused to share physical custody. He saw the options on the state provided suggestions for splitting time and said he’d be a much better father if he only saw his child 2 Friday and Saturday nights a month, not even every other weekend.What a schmuck.

  • Coffee coming out of my nose!!!!
    Okay, I’d love to know what he could of said to this OW that could make her see him as so awesome. This was pretty over the top.Smh.
    Maybe it’s because I reeeaaallllyyyy know who my ex is now, but I often wonder what the other woman sees in him besides cash.
    I look at him now and it’s just kind of “ewww.”

  • Is it just me or does anyone else see Ralph Wiggam from the Simpson’s when reading this garbage? [tapes painted turkey feather to forehead] “I’m a shaman!”

  • Cheater’s muse had a different name: his half-soul. Coined by a third party – a drunk guy in a bar who claimed he had shamanic powers. Cheater had been “suffering” for years (12 of our marriage and 3 before as he claims) trying to figure out what kept him glued to his shmoopy for all this time. They met in their early 30s in uni and she was already married then. After a year of cheating on her husband they each went back to their countries. We met 3 yrs later. I thought he was the man of my dreams. But he turned out to be a “half soul to Her Shmoopiness” throughout our marriage meeting with her along his “business trips” and planning his exit and their life together. All the while playing family and having a child with me. He was so happy when he found validation in that drunkard “shaman” years later who explained cheater’s inability to keep his dick in his pants by a beautiful half-soul story. It was NOT a simple affair or infidelity! There was a soul involved! And it’s ok, chumpy wife, that you don’t get it because I, The-Smoopie’s Half-Soul, can’t comprehend it myself either! It’s too big, it’s larger than life, it’s the Soul and who are we humans to fight its mightiness? The soul had a lesson to learn in this life and since you are my wife, you also had your share of the lesson as you were able to touch the divine awesomeness.

    By DDay, Half-soul had chosen her very high level government career over starting again somewhere else with the other half of her soul. I guess her part of the lesson was learned. So now the abandoned part of the soul (his) has found another “siren” – ex ho-worker. Siren is also his word.

    As an earthy human being I can’t deal with this divineness.

    P.s. Cheaterspeak should be added into the family tree of languages as a separate branch. It should be taught as a neo-language in schools. More good will come out of this than taking dead Latin (I did).

    Thank you CL that you exist.

    • Yup, I got the “Twin Flame” explanation, which is much the same thing – a single soul, torn in half and now re-united at last ….

      I’m sure dumping his SAHM, chronic pain patient, wife of 25 years will do wonders for their karma – for both of them.

  • God I love this shit.

    My first X husband (I’m like Liz Taylor over here), was one of these metaphysical, sensitive, pony-tailed types. He was a musician too. Puke. Anyway, I actually found a letter he had written to himself, a sort of prayer/mantra that said something like, “Sensitive pony-tailed man is having an affair with XXX (nameless twit at community college). Rumblekitty does not know that sensitive pony-tailed man is fucking XXX.” I imagine he sprinkled magic dust on it and stoked some sage after he sealed it. And dig this . . . he sealed it with mother-fucking wax, as to make it more authentic I guess. Wow.

    When I confronted him, I teased him so much his penis crawled up inside him.

    • OH I forgot to mention, he was writing this mantra to the Heavenly Mistress Verona. Maybe she’s the goddess of blow-jobs and infidelity, I’m not sure . . .

    • Haha, I love when they get all crazy and spiritual! Rumblekitty, you are awesome!

      This made me think of when my ex sent me an email saying that God sent him the OW (she was married and had two very young autistic sons) in answer to his prayers that God cure him of his homosexual urges. And that his lack of passion for me was the reason for those urges. And he just wanted a nice Christian woman to take to church.

      He still considers himself to be the very pinnacle of wonderful Christian man. I don’t think he has ever called himself a shaman, although he did often say it was his “destiny to be famous.”

  • Hahahaha love today’s post and dripping with sarcasm mode . 9 months from D Day and 5 from divirce final but still feeling alot of pain still. Today was especially bad as tears could not seem to stop . But no regrets and really glad I am out of that burning house . Have come to accept the all the pain , grief and humiliation etc madness as life from hereon the perpetual shit sandwich . No contact and looking forward are my best friends .

    • Time is your friend Mehmehdancet. You are fresh from the emotional nuclear accident of betrayal. We were all there and you will recover. Peace be with you on your journey to meh and lots of hugs on your down day.

    • Mehmehdancet, right now these are tough times. I, too, promise it will get better. Hugs!

  • My dipshit ex always boasted of his intent and capability of writing The Great American Novel. Never mind he was not a writer in any sense of the word nor ever sat his lazy ass down to write so much as a grocery list. He got caught fucking a cocktail waitress, dumped his wife of 20 years, his children either ignore him or make fun of him, married the slut then she divorced him two years later, lost all of his friends, and lost 99% of his money. Please kind sir do take the time to put pen to paper, that is a story is one for the ages?

    • The similarities here are eerie: X always wanted to be a literary or satirical novelist or essayist. Or, at the very least, a journalist. Instead he went to law school and has been obscenely successful. Nevertheless he spent years whining about how much he hated his job and wanted to write. “So write, already!” I would say 24/7. He rejected all suggestions I had such as going part time, taking writers’ workshops, etc. 6 years ago he tried once again to do the National Novel Writing Month (November when writers endeavor to write 50,000 word novels in 30 days). On a lark I joined him. I wrote a 400 page novel in the 30 days. It is an inter-generational family saga spanning 60 years on two continents. At first, each night we would share our 1600 words written the day. After the first week, it was obvious X had huge problems. He wrote over and over “I need to write, I cannot write….” over and over. It was chilling — like a crazy person.
      Needless to say, he was very very envious of what I produced.

      Huge red flags…. I spackled like crazy. DDay came 4 years later — he said she “appreciated” his desire to be a writer in ways I could not…. yeah right!

      • Have you thought about publishing your novel? Something positive should come out of that experience.

        As for your ex, this is an allegory for all cheaters. They want what they want, but they’re constitutionally incapable of putting in the work for the long-term goal.

        • I’ve been doing research to bolster the sections of my book that occur during the Vietnam war.

          I also am not sure how it should end — I’ve written several endings but DDay knocked me for a loop and I haven’t written a word in 2.5 years. I’ve been using whatever bandwidth I have to get divorced and grow my career (took a bar exam in another state, passed, got a new job 4 weeks after my divorce trial — a huge promotion.)

          Maybe now that I’m divorced and completely NC I can finish it and begin process to find editor, agent, etc.

          • Wow MotherChumper!! Congratulations on your career advancement!!

            About that book? And the ending? I don’t know if the following fits, but what about using d-day for the ending (the DDay that knocked you for a loop)? Just sayin. Maybe all of this horribleness will end up being research for your best-seller.

            • Thank you for the encouragement QueenMother! I woke this morning excited to work on it again. I know this whole experience will change what I write — I’m a different person now and there are a lot of cheating narcs in my book (patterned after my parents). I’m going to add the chump’s point of view now for sure.

              Thank you again! Your encouragement as well as FMT’s brings tears to my eyes and renewed my excitement about taking this to the next level.

          • Outstanding. You’ll have every chump on here cheering you to victory, and publishing would have several great outcomes, among them your own personal achievement, a chance to throw another book-publishing party, and getting to show a wanna-be what an ACTUALLY IS looks like. I’d love to have your autograph on the cover. Hell, I’ll help organize the party!

            Do it. Do it now! 🙂

            (As a side note, there are so many good writers on this blog. I’ve often thought it would be cool to do a compendium of our stories, sort of like The Canterbury Tales. I mean, even if you go to the Stupid Shit thread, that stands on its own as great reading. Public service announcement? lol)

            • Yes!!!! FMT, your encouragement is lighting a fire in me to get back to work and see this through.

              I will take you up on the party when that day comes!

              Huge hugs!

  • STBX said “She says she likes taking care of me”. I reminded him that I took care of him too. I made his lunches every day when he had an office job, I took over his chores and let him rest when he was sick, I cooked him meatloaf (I am a vegetarian), I took over some of his household chores when I felt he was doing too much, I brought him cool drinks when he was working in the yard (by choice because he enjoyed it), I kept the kids out of his hair when he was tired, I tried to fold his socks the right way even if I didn’t always get it right, I supported his life goals etc. His angry retort was “That’s mothering, I don’t need a mother I need a wife”. It took me a bit to catch on, but I guess what he meant was “She enjoys bringing me to climax”. That one ticked me off because I liked having sex with him just too, but I didn’t see it as “taking care” of him I saw it as sharing something special between us two, and if he had been having trouble climaxing in recent months I now know it was because he was already getting his jollies elsewhere. Jerk. He doesn’t want a wife he wants a cheap whore.

    • I guess there area couple of other things he admires about Schmoopie. She corrects his grammar and taught him how to fold laundry more efficiently. Evidently those are big turn ons for him. “I can learn so much from her, she expands my mind”.

      • And by taking care, he means “idolizing and behaving as an object that caters to his every whim without asking for anything for herself.”

        And by learn, he means “sociopathically drain.”

        And by expands my mind, he means “expands the front of my pants, which is the source of all of my thinking.”

        😉

        • What is it with the socks? Tees and tighty whities, too. According to the STBX, I never quite managed to fold his things correctly, or arrange them to his satisfaction in his bureau drawers. Geez. Whatevs, man. Guess thanking me for doing that at all was out of the question. He had sandwich issues, too, that troubled him deeply. Too much or too little meat, cheese, or mustard. Ah, the air of disappointment with which he choked those down. Finally, I just told him to make his own.

          • They want it done just the way their mommy used to do it. And if you cater to those mommy demands? Then you are no longer sexy …

            • so very true. When I made his toasted peanut butter banana jam sandwiches, if I substituted any other flavor but strawberry, he got upset. OR if I didn’t slice the bananas the right way OR if I didn’t spread the peanut butter all the way to the edges, he’d tell me I didn’t make it with enough “love”. His mother was a whore who abandoned him at the age of six and ran away to shack up with a man so it’s not like she ever did mommy things for him, too busy being her own narcissistic self. Dday included such gems as “Our soul contract is over”, “I found my new soulmate” obviously repeating what he heard the homewrecker say to justify their sparkly LOVE. Disgusting. 26 years of my life wasted.

              • I hear you. When I asked, incredulously, ” You’re actually leaving me for [Froot Loop Schmoopie?]” he actually said, I swear:

                “Oh no, FLS was very clear about that. She said I wouldn’t be leaving UnrequitedLoyalty for HER, I’d be leaving her for my own personal growth and development!”

                And he’s stuck to that (her) line ever since.

          • I spent all of those years making his lunches “just the way he liked it” thinking I was doing him a loving favor. I even put notes in his lunches saying that I loved him so that he would know I was thinking of him and so he would think of me. I thought I was being a good wife, but it turns out he resented it all along because I was “mothering him”. I guess the notes weren’t raunchy enough. “Thanks for last night” wasn’t explicit enough.

    • This has been my path also (I’m even a vegetarian too!) — did so many things for him, either because I knew it would be helpful or because he would enjoy something, and continued to receive the complete lack of observation/reciprocation of even simple things around the house without prompting (read: nagging — which I do not enjoy either) and a complete lack of presence in the bedroom. He was looking for a whore and he found them — literally whores…with an “s”. Another chump mentioned above that it’s not about being monogamous, it’s about lying about the ability to be — to yourself and to your (in)significant other — and dragging someone else’s life into the dirt. “Taking care” of someone means so much more than these short-sighted assholes could ever fathom.

  • I find it sad and pathetic that there seems to be a new trend of using old wisdom/spirituality, repackaging and twisting it, labeling it “higher thinking” to justify throwing away this age old concept called morality. Now I do realize everyone’s definition of morality is different, but it used to be that deception and betrayal were frowned upon. But now… “hey, you don’t like my cheating? Your higher level thinking must be lacking. You’re angry my choices are breaking up our family and hurting our kids? You must need to work on reducing that pesky judgment! Hey you know I’ve evolved to higher level thinking because I don’t give a shit who I hurt, nor should you! It’s all about learning to eat that shit sandwich with a smile my old friend – that’s when you know you’ve reached God like thinking! You want to be a spiritually mature person, you must learn to accept being a door mat and being stabbed in the back, but you better do it with a smile on your face! While you are at it, learn to be happy for my happiness, even if it was at your expense.”

    • I agree. Spirituality and faith are all too often mutated into justification and gaslighting by people who lack human compassion. The tools are powerful and persuasive because spirituality and faith are both intangible and deeply meaningful. Twisted is really the right word for it.

      • I was told I was ‘unevolved’ repeatedly, he couldn’t really explain what he meant by that it was just meant generally I think to mean ‘ Im better then you’
        And crap about moving towards love, yeah whatever.

        • I think you are spot on, there. If they can intangibly name themselves as better than those they are hurting, they become the rulemakers who run the show and the rest of us are supposed to try to rise to their intangible and ever-changing challenges.

    • It’s most definitely not new. Just look at England’s most famous cheating narcissist, Henry VIII. As long as there have been people, there have been assholes manipulating their way through life.

    • The reason they hide between new age doctrine, or church, or their malignant interpretation of God’s will, is because cheaters are, at heart, shallow. They are attracted by sparkle, and by limerance, and by flattery, and by new toys, and by youth. But their desire for impression management is at odds with *appearing* to be shallow. Voila! Couch their misdeeds in some kind of philosophical or religious movement and they have been redeemed! They appear to have depth, the way a hologram has depth, but it may be enough to trick some people. Apparently, it’s enough to trick themselves because their self-awareness is, well, shallow.

      • That description not only points out that they are shallow but disordered as well. There is nothing rational about their thinking.

      • Cheater always wanted to have the conservative man’s man image of being that alpha male head of a Christian home (even though he treated Christianity like his ethnic heritage as just something you are born with. After he left, he started going to this very new age therapist who validates his feelings. I met with her once and that was all I could take. She told me “you sound like you are judging him”. My impulsive response was “He needs to be judged!”

        WTF?!!!! He has cheated on me for years and now abandoned me and the children for an adulterous partner. It is totally against the covenant of our marriage and the core of what he said was our mutual belief system. Of course he should be judged, but no, she wanted me to cross the bridge into his world and experience his feelings!!! She even used the term conscious uncoupling. In my mind (and probably his before schnoopie) anyone who can use the term conscious uncoupling in a serious context is a lunatic .

          • OMG
            Tempest,
            You are sunshine on any day.
            You make chumps’ laugh muscles work, overtime.
            Thank you,
            YOU are mighty!
            ???????

            • Tempest,
              After watching this again and again, it is addictive, I am thinking perhaps this could be your cheater chasing after you, ( he realizes he screwed up big time, losing a wonderful person as you), but you are way ahead of him, leaving him in your rear view mirror. You are on your way to meh and he will soon lose his way, be lost and gondi. Cheater who?
              YOU are mighty.
              Thank you for adding a big chuckle to my day!
              ❤️

              • I know, it is addictive! Love Forrest!

                (and your X is a colossal dumbass for letting you go. Yet one more data point that cheaters are stoopid.)

      • Tempest — to extend your point even further, look back to yesterday’s post on open marriages and polyamory.

        Couching fidelity misdeeds in a a movement of supposed “sexual hyper sophistication” and voila!! There is redemption, there is justification, there is a sense of superiority over those who ‘just don’t get it.’

        And it’s us chumps who know what’s really going on behind the curtain.

        • You’re right, UX. I, like you, had one of those ‘hip’ cheaters who instead of quoting forgiveness scripture or new-age tripe, bandied about themes from Anna Karenina, sentences with multiple relative clauses, and quotes from Dumas (““The chain of marriage is so heavy that it takes two to bear it; sometimes three.”).

          And yet, when push comes to shove, who could talk about more things at dinner parties? or which spouse actually won an award at a storytelling competition? Their hipness is a shallow illusion, too.

          • Oh mine tried to cite famous books and movies to defend his affair among the “things that happen…”

            I laughed out loud reading his argument (I had stopped talking to him directly one week post-DDay #1). I didn’t even respond to him, but I started my own inner UBT process, namely (1) works of fiction are not meant to be a roadmap for real life, and (2) most of these books were written at a time where divorce was not an option…

            So glad I divorced him post-DDay#1…

    • Yes, he has been on a quest to get in touch with all of those things about himself that should have been hashed out/examined, and I have been told that I have “anger problems”. Hmm…now why in the world would I be angry about life with a very much non-present spouse who later reveals he’s been cheating our entire marriage with prostitutes, despite having allowed me to think that things were fine enough to buy houses, move around, start a family — essentially steer my life on a course it would have never taken without (what I had been led to believe was) a plan? Hmm…you’re going to have to come back to me on this one…

      At least I have my beautiful daughter (who I love unfathomably, despite how angry I am at the circumstances that led to her existence — and don’t think those words/mixed emotions haven’t already been used against me!), and he had the decency to make the final move closer to my family so I have support. Probably some subconscious thought/”good” him trying to do the right thing. Ugh, paint it however you want with this zero-responsibility “soul searching” BS — it’s still a huge shit sandwich to serve up to someone to whom you had promised a gourmet meal.

    • Thank you! I was chided for not being as evolved as STBX-Mr.Muse, a cuck who welcomes Muse back into his house to sit on his couch and watch Dr. Who.

      He seems relieved to have offloaded her onto another sucker, if you ask me.

  • . . . because the #1 indicator of being an “emotionally healthy” person is to boast about being emotionally healthy, then accuse the victim of said person’s destructive deception of being jealous because she’s not somebody’s muse.

    My biggest hope for ChicagoRefugee is that they don’t in fact meet again until they’re on “the other side.”

    And not even then.

    • Right?!?!?

      Yeah, whenever I am feeling emotionally healthy, I like to go find someone who is hurting and tell them to get their shit together. Call it community service.

      Sheesh.

      😉

  • Sounds like some old fuck playing “Harry Potter” with a young thang…….gross!

  • What a turd bucket. The cheater in this story is an absolutely delusional fuckwit. My cat has more emotional maturity. How can the ap say any of this shit with a straight face, to an “old guy” , no less. Losers!

  • I found messages between stbx and a woman where she called him a “man of might”. Seriously. He ate it up, 100% acceptance, coming back for more. They are addicts and they don’t care where the hit comes from or how ridiculous it is as long as they get high.

  • “You’re just jealous because you’re nobody’s Muse.”

    Obnoxious.

    Eleven syllable example of covert narcs devaluing and redirection of blame to chump.
    Intended to cut and shame the chump.
    Intended to provoke and heighten a chump’s pain and sense of loss. This is beyond discard, this is said by someone fueling the sense of abandonment in the relationship. This goes beyond lack of empathy, this is abusive.

    There is textbook cheater-speak; “ILYBINILWY”
    There is thoughtless incidental pain caused by entitlement cheater-speak; “You would be friends with the OW if you met her! She is a lot like you!”
    Then there is this level of screwed up.

    I am slowly learning how to decipher the difference. Getting a rather good ear for it.

  • Wipe off the grime of faux fairy dust, and the “Shaman” is incredibly vicious.

    I believe that is what has always stunned me about these cheaters. Not enough to be a lying sack of shit, they have to kick your teeth in on the way out the door. It is proof that cheating is just a symptom of abominable, vile character. It’s just the symptom of the putrid rot seeping out the black pit of their chest cavity where a heart should be.

    • “It’s just the symptom of the putrid rot seeping out the black pit of their chest cavity where a heart should be.” love this! perfect description!

      “Not enough to be a lying sack of shit, they have to kick your teeth in on the way out the door.” I told mine he ripped out my heart, then came back and stuffed in down my throat. You are right, they enjoy watching us suffer.

    • Shortly after Dday, my ex emailed me that the things I enjoyed (gardening, reading, crafts) were the hobbies of an old lady, and maybe when he was 80 he would like the same things as me. I admit, this really, really stung for a long time. I already felt boring compared to my ex and I’m sure he knew that. His jab was designed to hurt and it sure did.

      • WTF? We can’t all be so glamorous as to have clandestine parking lot blowjobs and STD roulette as our hobbies. These jerks. They are vile and empty. What do they have rattling around in their chests? Charcoal briquets? All of your hobbies nurture and cultivate beauty. Each of those things gives to the world. Be proud that your presence and your actions create. That is real magic. not the cheap sparkle con job they all do.

      • GladItsOver,
        When he is 80, no garden will beacon him to enter, too late for him.
        He won’t be able to see or be able to concentrate on a good book. Enjoying a great novel is a gift.
        He is too busy with his “crafts”
        At 80, do you think his “crafts” will still be available to him. I doubt it. Maybe he can take up solitaire!
        YOU are NOT boring. You are a good, sane, normal person enjoying the best life has to offer.
        His loss!
        ((Hugs to you))

      • My ex complained about how insufferably boring I was in the weeks leading up to dumping me for AP. Maybe I was…because I was caring for his NEWBORN SON (and two other children!) You are not boring and even if you are, so what? These cheaters just want their ego fed with more/new “kibbles.”

        • That’s right. What did he want you to do….free base cocaine and hang glide off the Golden Gate?

          Newsflash- your hobbies take INTELLIGENCE and ATTENTION. Not the restless roving flashing light seeking empty vessel ennui of the disordered.

          I see things now that add up like disgusting puzzle pieces. I was riding with the Puke Bag and his cell phone rang and it was a teeth rattling death metal tone. I said, That sounds like a nervous breakdown.

          He said in a patronizing tone, “What…would you like me to put classical music on it?” And smiled.

          That was the Toilet’s (the AP)’s input.

          Hey dumb asses- if you want to eat at Waffle House, listen to Death Metal, get high and engage in petty Peyton Place trashy drama with other fucktards….I will GLADLY take Downton Abbey, my homemade yeast rolls , my dogs, stacks of library books and my oil paint set. Knock yourself out.

          And as CL said, to one and all of these motherless sons of bitches-

          Go fuck yourself with a hot glue gun.

      • This, coming from the Dancing Yeti. How could anybody possibly have a hobby groovy enough to satisfy him?

      • Gardening is the world’s slowest art form.

        I was a gardener once, before my back totally collapsed on me. Planted one last garden while it was in the process of giving out, at a house we had to leave because Mr. Shaman-level Energy couldn’t keep a job.

        *sigh*

  • I would argue that angels and muses walk among us all the time. As evidence, go back two days. SuperDuperChump wrote:

    “An elderly woman who was parked next to me at Wal-Mart couldn’t get her car started as I got out of my pickup. I had her raise the hood and had her car running in 5 minutes. (I am a mechanic.) She tried to pay me, but I refused and told her to have a good day. She stated that Walter always took care of her car and she has sure been at a loss since he passed away 2 years ago, but he told her on his death bed that he would still look after her and send help when she needed it. Her eyes and smile lit up while talking about how he cherished her for 57 wonderful years.”

    So, SuperDuperChump was, in part, acting as Walter’s agent here. Angels, muses, and shamans can be real. They walk among us all the time. However, they usually aren’t this easy to spot – sometimes it can be very difficult. Here’s a few ways you can distinguish between supernatural agents of good and others.

    Angels don’t abandon 25 year marriages, or encourage that to happen.

    Muses don’t cause others to take actions that hurt other people.

    Shamans don’t walk around boasting about being told how much energy they have.

    The unfortunate reality is that there are also elements of darkness around us, evil shamans, demons, whatever. And frequently, when one invokes the good supernatural elements, particularly as justification for questionable behavior, they are often acting as agents of the bad elements.

    Of course, on another level, all of this is metaphorical, or another way at looking at the complexities of life. But if one is going to discuss cheating with angel-speak, well, best to call it by the proper angel-speak names.

    Hugs. Strength. Peace.
    aeronaut

  • Oh, I’d smile and file on this one. He’s so far into the infatuation he’s on high. Take advantage of it; have your lawyer draw up a settlement in your favor while he’s walking on water.

  • Anyone that uses the term “Muse” in a sentence describing another person is seriously disordered. I’m not talking about poets. They use all sorts of weird words. This guy is just knee-deep in new sex and because his newby is using all that stupid language he is going to do so. It means nothing. Forgive me, it means he is full of shit.
    I have become curious about cheaters who blog. OMG! They drip with sugary emotion. Either their mm will not leave his wife, or he is cheating on his horrible wife with the most perfect specimen ever to walk upright, or they have been dumped and life has no meaning anymore, or the affair is ongoing and they want to share ALL the sexual details. Those last ones have followers salivating over it all and encouraging more.
    Bless you, CL, for having a blog where sane people can vent. For those of you who feel crazy. It’s temporary. Grief does that.

  • I feel like every chump story can easily be summed up by the following:

    Cheater: “I picked the one who’d give me the most while expecting the least from me.”

    The end.

    • LiL, you hit the nail on the head. My x explained the allure of the OW to me once: “She sees me on my terms.” Out of the horse’s mouth.

      • Well your Ex seems very perspicacious indeed, ChampChump. An honest evaluation … Straight out of the horse’s rear end.

  • // , My character absence detector goes into overdrive when I hear talk of spirit energies or the healing power of faith without the actual, you know, faithfulness.

    I think the minds of the “Jesus Cheaters” suffer infection from the same genus of character retardation parasite
    as the folks “directing their spiritual energy inward to a place of self love”.

    These Shamans in their own minds just have it easier without an entire organization to deal with.

    The “spiritual” (read: no actual behavioral obligations) part of religion, divorced from any rules or verifiable expectations, is like a safe haven to the self absorbed.

    For the sets of pretenses if the self styled “New Age” and “Shamanistic”, that’s already the only part.

    Who ever heard of “Shamans” or the age of Aquarius types running a soup kitchen?

    It’s just athéisme with extra steps.

    • I agree, AC. After the first D-day XH said that he wants to get a tattoo that says, “Faith.” In my mind, I wad just shaking my head because he knows nothing about faith and definitely does not know anything about being faithful.

  • What is equally as ridiculous is what the cheaters say to their schmoopies. I was lucky enough to intercept six months’ worth of text message exchanges between my x and the OW. At first it was extremely painful to read them, now it’s just hilarious–not just what he says to her, but also what she says to him. Here’s one small sample:

    Shmoopie: You are hot. You turn me on.
    x: Do I check all the nebulous undefined boxes?
    Shmoops: Being hot and turning me on IS nebulous. You just do. I can’t tell you why. [UBT: I love your big Mercedes SUV he drives and the fact that you pay for everything]
    x: You do too. I don’t want to know why I just want to enjoy. All I can. Whenever I can. [UBT: I WANT BLOW JOBS! GIVE ME BLOW JOBS!]
    Shmoops: We just connect so well. You can even finish all of my sentences and I can finish yours. It’s like I don’t have to explain myself. You just get it. [UBT: I want money and you want sex and I’m easy. We’re perfect together!]
    x: You are so right and I love it and it’s amazing [UBT: I love the blow jobs]. Just like you! [UBT: Keep ’em coming!]

    • Nebulous: In the form of a cloud or haze; hazy:
      •(of a concept or idea) unclear, vague, or ill-defined:

      “nebulous concepts like quality of life”

      synonyms: vague · ill-defined · unclear · hazy · uncertain · indefinite · indeterminate · imprecise · unformed · muddled · confused · ambiguous

      Yep, that’s what I want out of life.

  • Narcula’s thing is ‘heart song’. He ‘felt her heart song’ for the first time while in meditation. I think I just threw up a bit. New age bimbettes are the new thing for aging, low slung balled old men who only are ‘enlightened’ by the shining star looks good in her LuLuRoes. Well, and out of them. Funny how the brand of enlightenment only extends to the ones they want it to not the ones who got them through the tough parts of their lives.

    So tired of aging men erasing the history of their families and wives to be with child brides who have not earned one bit of the financial security, homes, nice cars and families with their lives. Their bodies wont be torn up with childbirth since the creepy old guy in yoga class who has fooled them into letting him stick his dick in her already has kids, her age actually.

    As its been said many times before, follow the money and the answers will always appear.

    • Just as an aside, I process financial information all the time and see divorce decrees for these “luv” matches. I think there is an actual “mail order” bride — from a foreign country — ring operating near us. Evidently they have to stay married for about 5 years (???) in order to get citizenship, and maybe some marital assets. Some of the age differences are pretty creepy. These young women must have strong stomachs or be fleeing from Hell to climb into bed with Grand-Pa. ED aside, just imagine how much they have in common, and whether or not they can even have a conversation. If these old guys think they are attractive, they are delusional. They look like fools, but evidently they don’t care as long as they are told they are “hero’s” of some type, and as long as they are willing to spend money. When the clock (or the money) runs out, these girls are gone. I wonder if these guys are a-“muse”-ed then?

      • Back in my early twenties, I made the terrible mistake of dating a much older man because I was very poor. Neither of us were married- me never and him long divorced.

        However, I remember literally choking back bile when his liver spotted hands would come groping me. I remember him stroking my check and saying, It is so smooth, captivated.

        I tried to fight back the revulsion but I could not do it. I remember it like it was yesterday….creeping through his big house in the middle of the night and quietly gathering my clothes. Starting my cheap Hyundai and driving back to my mildewed studio apartment in the dead of dark….and feeling so relieved. Poor, but free of his grasping hands.

        No offense to the men on here, but how, for the love of all that is Holy, HOW can these old coots not know that if they were poor…young women would not give them a glance. Who wants to be used for their money? Or perhaps they know…and view access to young flesh as a trade off?

        Love as a transaction. How charming.

        I will hold out for “my One and Only.”

      • As far as I can tell, these men both want a “traditional” wife–i.e. submissive, invested in sustaining domesticity, and in need of “protection”–and they are willing to ignore all evidence that the mail order women are actually ambitious, self-directed, and smart (which is how they’ve managed to leverage themselves out of their home country and into citizenship in the U.S.) These American men persuade themselves that there are no men abroad who want these “traditional” women, and so they come to the US, so grateful for the staunch exemplars available here. The cognitive dissonance required to participate in mail order marriage schemes is stunning.

  • Snort…..this reminds me of my D-day.
    The Worm said, “She finds me fascinating”……..
    There are no words…..

    • Just-met-you kibble is always more superficially appealing than married-for-25-years kibble.

      Especially to superficial people with a shallow sense of self, who long to fancy themselves deep.

      • Well, he’s him! Nobody owns him! He’s a catch don’t cha know?
        This speech was always followed by a long diatribe about why and how I was such a failure.
        The sad thing is, at the time, I believed him. Now I see crazy for what it was and is….never going back again!

  • Texts I saw from the ow
    Ow- you told me to trust you completely and I do. You told me never to doubt you and I won’t.
    Ow (after our divorce)- this DID NOT go as planned, what happened???
    What happened was he didn’t have the power over me that they thought he had and I did not just roll over.

  • Ex bitch wife, when outed for sleeping with my cousin….”hey I like sleeping with Italian men”. I’m Italian, so is the cousin. Classy comment to make when you just blew up an entire family with three beautiful sons.

    BTW her tactic and habit was to accuse me of cheating with any female that crossed my path. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life, so she batted zero.

    She accused me of sleeping with my childhood girlfriend, which was not only untrue, this girl lives in another country.

    Even during the separation leading up to divorce which lasted five years, I would not sleep with anyone, all the while she was banging my cousin. In those five years I focused on being the sane single parent, and making sure I understood everything about myself before giving my self permission to be with another woman.

    And the karma bus was good to me. I ended up reconnecting the romance with my childhood girlfriend, who became a semi famous rock ‘n’ roll singer much to my exes horror.

    And my kids, they hate my cousin with a passion so my ex doesn’t get to enjoy her new relationship and the kids at the same time. However, my sons absolutely enjoy my old girlfriends company now that they have met her. They had been telling me to get back in the dating pool for five years and I refused because I was absolutely not ready. So when I showed up with this new/old girl, they were pretty psyched having heard her music back in the late 90s

    Yay karma

      • Seriously dude, I went from hell on earth where I thought every single breath I would take for the rest of my life would be filled with pain, to reconnecting with this insanely beautiful siren that I first met when I was five years old.

  • The longterm narc boyfriend I had before X (I’m a slow learner) used to break up with me every few months, saying I didn’t inspire him and that he needed to focus on his music. He would always end with, “Besides, we work better together as friends.” Eventually he broke up with me for good to be with his apparent muse, a young woman from a famous wealthy family–no doubt he hoped she would finance his dreams of becoming a jazz musician (turns out she wasn’t included in the family trust–ha!)

    I managed to pull myself together and went to graduate school in another city, where I met a hot rebound guy and had a fling with him. It made me realize how bad sex with the boyfriend had been, so I decided to write him a letter in which I told him that he’d been so right about us working better as friends, and how this new relationship and the intense, passionate sex had really put that into perspective for me. I thanked him for helping me realize the difference.

    A few days later he called me in a sputtering rage demanding to know what I meant about us being better off as friends and asking if I was suggesting that his dick was small. I just repeated what I’d written in the letter, sending his rage-meter to 11, at which point he screamed, “My mom says you just wrote that to make me feel insecure!” (no shit, Sherlock) and hung up.

    I have to say, it felt really good to give him a small taste of the devaluing he’d been subjecting me to for years, even though at the time I didn’t understand that the sting would only be a momentary one for him. Even so, it was the catalyst for me going NC and eventually getting to Meh on the relationship. I just wish I’d known about narcissism at the time so I could have avoided repeating the same mistake.

    • Oh good lord, he had to run tell him’s Mommy about your mean letter! “She says my pee-pee is too small!” Oh, the mental imagery is coming in–Nope nope nope…

          • I dated a man a few months ago that had his 53 year old sister call me from the bank where she works to admonish me:

            If you don’t have anything nice to say to my brother, please say nothing!

            This was after her 48 year old “brother”-on felony probation I discovered- had called me a cunt, a bitch and I believe ugly. This man posts on his FB all of these muscle cars, action shots of him golfing, he even has the Samoan Warrior Tattoos on his bicep.

            Yeah- you are an alpha bad ass…. I am calling my sister because you were mean to me. I’ll show you!

            Those disordered families are like a herd of zombies. Run for your life.

            • Then you have narcissists’ love of calling on “witnesses” you aren’t in a position to influence or cross examine to learn if what they supposedly said about you is really true–family members, friends and colleagues, and my personal favorite, dead people (i.e. Grandma always said you were a raging asshole).

  • My ex claimed, with perfect sincerity, that he can make any amount of money in the stock market with no risk. His secret method involves paying large investment fees to random pundits on the internet who tell him so. Therefore he can buy all the cars and electronics he wants and hand out huge wads of cash to random people he meets. It’s my fault he had to cheat because I refused to quit my job and join him in his fantasy. But schmoopie will join him and sit at home all day not working. They are soul mates. Until she gets her green card, that is, and runs off with half of what bits of money he still has left.

    • Chompingchump!!! James Bond had the same m.o. Sitting at the computer all day, getting into trouble, dabbling in investing.

  • Who are we mortals compared to shamans? When I was getting divorced from my ex I found the notes of a “psychic reading” he had about how he would find someone more evolved than me and have children with her. He promptly found someone we both knew, a total crackpot new age moron, who did absolutely fill this bill. She bought his spiritual superiority and now they are both living off her family’s money, have some kids, and apparently, he is just as cruel to her as he was to me (according to mutual friends who now don’t talk to him either due to said cruelty). Out of curiosity, I googled his favorite screen name some time ago and found that he is posting about his magical penis online in forums, outlining how she and all the women before him just can’t tolerate his magnificence or properly appreciate his “enormous cock.” (which apparently he spends much time trying to stretch and make bigger). Oh, and apparently I was a “psycho” but much better in bed than her and he sure misses those days. I guess the upgrades are sometimes wanting as well. Wow. So glad I lost that loser. And nope, ya can’t write this shit.

    • K,

      Craft a golden condom for his “enormousness” and send it to him in the mail !

  • I so want that idiot to be buried under a mountain of magic kibbles. See if his muse can dig him out with her crystal shovel.

  • I’ll admit, I actually did want to be something of a muse for my STBX when I was younger. He’s a musician and so am I and we met in college in the music program. He was pursuing a degree in composition and I was pursuing performance. I always thought that he might write a piece dedicated to me. He did that for others and had a “list” of people, including the OW, that he was going to write/dedicate a piece for. I never made it to that list and at one point I asked him why. He straight up told me that he shouldn’t have to do that because I get the opus of his life. Basically, because I get the “splendidness” that is him because we’re married, he ain’t gonna pony up anything else. And that narrative explains a lot about our marriage. He didn’t pony up anything else. Couldn’t even be bothered to get a job. CL nails these cheaters on so many points, truly it’s mind blowing.

    • Narcissist musicians are the worst. As I posted above, the longterm boyfriend I’d been with before X fancied himself an avant-guard jazz musician. Same drill, always composing and dedicating songs to other women and often collaborating with them as well, all while lording over me the fact that I wasn’t a musician myself or, apparently, worthy of being a proper muse.

      By the time I met X I was ready to run for the hills at the first hint that a potential partner aspired to be a working musician. In a classic case of mirroring, he downplayed his ambitions and even joked about how he had decided that becoming a professional guitarist was an impractical career option and that he was happy to stick with playing for his own enjoyment. Which he did, until twenty-some years into the marriage.

      Enter the ukulele. Many here have encountered it. It seems to be a favorite instrument of narcissists and their enablers–it’s retro! It’s folksy! It’s egalitarian–anyone can learn to play it! And if you already have proficiency with other stringed instruments, you can do far more advanced things with it than other players! What’s not to like?

      X’s ukulele obsession became his gateway drug into becoming a semi-professional musician who started composing his own songs, developing a following on YouTube, and playing gigs for the first time in his life. Lather, rinse, repeat, he began composing and dedicating songs to all manner of people in his life, with the exception being me of course.

      When I mentioned this in the futile MC sessions we had during wreckonciliation, he first said that his inspiration had to come “organically” and couldn’t be forced. Eventually he conceded the point and composed an instrumental song that he didn’t even bother to dedicate to me, the title of which was a thinly-veiled back handed compliment.

      • Sorry, I meant to say “avant-garde.” Just goes to show why I’ve been unworthy of muse status all of these years!

  • Hi evenone. anyone from France who knows the French divorce laws and division of assets? anyone went through divorce in France and knows a good lawyer there? Thanks a lot

    • Taera,

      Bonne chance avec votre tartine de merde/Good luck with your shit sandwich,French social mores concerning cheating and divorce. Attie, can you give her any advice ?

    • Have you tried posting in the forums? There are lots of folks from different countries there–usually you can find at least a couple of people who can point you in the right direction when it comes to divorce issues in your country.

      • Thanks for your reply. The problem is that I am not French, but married to a French. I do not live in France and never lived there. I live in Beirut.
        Which forums do you think I should post on?

        • Hi Taera, I’m not French either but live in France (ex is American). If you/he have property in France I think it will be subject to French law (depending on whether or not you were marriage under “separation des biens” – basically whatever you brought into the marriage you take out of it too. Under French law whatever debts run up (in France) belong to both parties. That was why my divorce took a long time Asshole ran up debt like there was no tomorrow and I ended up being 50% responsible for it. Actually I ended up taking on all the debts just to get him out of my life. I can’t say my lawyer was very good though – sloppy and basically I did all the work myself. Depending on situation sometimes a divorce amical (friendly) divorce is easier. That’s what I went for despite debt and the fact that he was a violent, cheating asshole. Also do NOT agree to use the same lawyer. My ex tried that and if (as was possible) he backed out at the last minute my lawyer could no longer represent me either. In France adultery counts for nothing in a divorce. Sorry this is a bit vague but obviously without knowing more about your situation it is difficult to be more specific. One other thing, when asshole moved back to the States with his twuu wuv he had new debts over here in France. I basically grabbed him by the throat and threatened him that those debts had better be taken care of by him. They can’t touch me in regard to those debts, nor my oldest son who lives in Switzerland but they could sure as hell make my youngest son’s life miserable if asshole did a runner. So far so good on that score.

          I have never been on the forums but if you hop over I guess you could go into more detail and I or someone else might be able to help you. Good luck. A

          • Thank you Attie. Do you know if a property is owned before the marriage it would be subject to division or not?
            I have two different opinions on that.

            My email is thaerra@hotmail.com

            You or anyone who knows about French laws may write to me there if you please, since this topic is out of theme here.
            Thanks

            • Hi Taera, I will have a look round to see what I can find out tomorrow (going to bed now). As far as I am aware, if you want to protect property that you owned before your marriage you should get married with a contract called “separation de biens”. This is done before a notary. If you get married without such a contract, I would think that property would be fair game to be split evenly. And of course, if like me you didn’t get married in France (I got married in Switzerland), it complicates things again (with contract/without contract). I am in no way an expert – far from it in fact. I will email you tomorrow. A

  • Hay Cuckold-doodle-dufus,

    Woo Hoo! In the words of that old hymn, “Free at last, Free at last, Thank Gawdamihty, I’m Free At Last!”

    Oh OK, ya busted me. How’d ya guess I didn’t sign up to be anyone’s amuse-ment? You want a merry go round, start with yer own family. But if this is the best she can do regarding an accurate assessment of “complete packages,” I am a tad jealous: You never did ‘it’ for me. (In fact, you didn’t do much of anything for me.) Guess you decided after all to purchase those fake balls from Spencer’s. What, she got a little bored after awhile with the “old vacant wrinkled sack” cosplay and dressing up in your “special play clothes:” Your opaque sleep apenis mask with the fuzzy bunny ears? That worked to hide the apparent “vacancy” for awhile….But wadda ya gonna do if she wants to shower together in something other than the Golden Ones you so generously doused me in nightly for decades? Imma not miss waking up in the middle of the night to warm piss baptizing me, the bedside stands, the Carters PJs I Special Orderd for you and the rubber mattress covers I started purchasing after our “Honey-Please-Stop-Pissing-Me-Off” Moon. Unlike a fire hose, that thang was very controllable but I got tired of trying to find it first so I could hold it playing the “Aim Game” every time you were awake and needed to pee. (Yo momma warned me you was not house broke-wasn’t no joke.) Yer a beast of burden to me anyway and I’m done with you ass.

    Your said your balls was “lost” before you was born and remain (supposedly) in yer belly somewhere, so ascared were they by your Magic Wand Stick they refused to descend to “that level.” (Even balls have standards.) “Creative?” I guess. I applaud your genius in purchasing those “orthotic balls” from the same place where you purchased the whoopie cushions for your parents and siblings for every “special occasion.” Still, your empty sack remains a scary reminder to small rodents to look both ways before crossing least they become jest another Flattened Unidentified Small Animal Roadkill. But even with them fake nuts, your “package” from Spencer’s would still remain a picture of failed Male Genital Restoration.

    I understand how sensitive you are about “packages” after the one your ex-schmoopie sent to your workplace blew up in the post office and was DOA by the time the smokin’ remains gave up your address. That was some damn expensive bail, remember? You had to hock your gramma’s wheelchair (they refused to take granny though) and sell all her medication in addition to your huntin dawg, Buddy-who ran into the pawn shop the second you opened the truck door. BTW, did you know Buddy has returned here since you left? Yeah, kinda like “Lassie Come Home,” this was “Buddy, Come Home! It’s Now Safe For All Living Things.”

    You’re now concerned about “emotional health?” (Especially since you wrecked mine and the kid’s-who will be on “Crazy Drugs”-as will Buddy-for the rest of their lives.) Of course I expect this’ll be like your “health food” diet, the one where you only ordered one “Supersized” meal at a time before you immediately placed another and bonus, schmuppie the guppy can dig right into an age appropriate Happy Meal. With a side Oder of Crystal’s meth. I dunno if she can eat them considerin’ she looks like a Halloween pumpkin when she smiles in them Mug Shots. You two can enjoy forplayin each other by “removing” the imaginary insects all over your faces: Cheaper than a scratch off Lotto ticket and makes for a helluva His-N-Her’s Mug Shot though.

    I’ve been telling you for years, you really need to replace the batteries in them hearing aids: It’s not “shaman,” it’s “Shit! You Ain’t A Man?” The usual ones come with factory pre-installed, pre-loaded sacks that actually show up sooner rather than later, or in your case not at all. You coulda had that operation, but you were ascared it would show what the doctor told you about “absence does not make them suddenly grow, genius.” You didn’t have to get so damn worked up about that: Going back to his office with that fake AK? Yeah, so ya got to meet the all the SWAT members-again. And you wondered why I refused that time to even try to raise money for bail? Hell, all’s you ever did was raise your leg-even Buddy knew not to do that in the house. It was bail or Service Master and I still think I made the right choice. I did wait for you to get out of prison though since you chained me and Buddy to the front porch-and that’s more than you deserved.

    I’ll get my “shit together” as soon as you stop being such a pisser. Don’t hold your bladder-Buddy and I’ve decided to take off with the truck while you two go ahead and fuck. Unlike you there ain’t no Sirens for me to fear. And if “evolved” is involved, I’m the one who walks upright, fool: You still a knuckle dragger on yer “good” days.

    Toodles, Troy-and you too, crystal’s jail bait “Package Deal.”

  • Dear xxxxxx

    I’m so happy for you that you have found someone who is able to draw out your true genius. Please forgive me for being nothing more than an inadequate house maid with no vision beyond your skidmarks.

    I take your appraisal and constructive criticism on board and will humbly go about my lowly duties with humility.

    Perhaps once your shamanic potential has been reached we could all meet in a woodland copse on the winter solstice and you can sacrifice my deficient soul to the creative gods for the betterment of mankind.

    I am not worthy of any more of your precious oxygen, paper, bandwidth or telephone data allowance. You must not expend your valuable powers for one further moment on me, one of mother earth’s true aberrations. You must not.

    My lawyer happens to be a high priest of the Wiccan arts out of business hours so I urge you to use this time to hone your skills and communicate telepathically with him moving forward.

    Thank you for the opportunity to live within the gaze of your greatness for so long. I am eternally grateful.
    Stephen Hawking, Noam Chomsky and many others of your intellectual and creative equal will be relieved you are finally going to take a seat at their table.

    Yours in gratitude and humility

    ChicagoRefugee

      • Me too!

        Thanks Zhuchi! I’m half-tempted to send it to Mr. Guru (another term Froot Loop Schmoopie used for my STBX) but I already busted my embryonic NC to text him a link to his very own CL post.

        What the hell, it was totally worth it. I did resist the urge to send it to FLS as well, so good for me?

  • I am honored to have STBX’s words immortalized by the UBT.

    One small quibble: shouldn’t “I think it is emotionally healthy to expect relationships with mythical creatures.” be: I DON’T think it is emotionally healthy…?

    I just know that will be seized upon as justification. “Emotional health” justifies all, don’t ya know? (His emotional health, that is. Mine counts for squat, apparently.)

    Thanks again,

    ChicagoRefugee

  • When I read this level of stupid stuff cheaters say [and write], I think it shows how living with these hyenas is dangerous to our cognitive health. If you saw this dialogue in a movie, you would either laugh, fall asleep, or walk out. But we chumps are like the frog sitting in a pot on the stove, with the water gradually warming up until we are becoming frog soup. Because this kind of BS doesn’t start up out of left field. There was probably all sorts of stupid devaluation and blameshifting and magical sparkly thinking that justified selfish and disrespectful behavior.

    • Truth, LAJ. Towards the end of our marriage ex spent a great deal of time interviewing with another agency. And “working” and “at the club.” I know now he didn’t get the new job (in a big town four hours out from us) because the background investigator stumbled upon his affair. Me? I was fucking clueless. Even when during the interview the investigator asked me how I felt about his new job search, when “we were so established in our community?” I flippantly stated that ex “always did what he wanted to do…” and that I supported him. That officer though was strongly trying to tell me something. Ex also would say stuff like I wish I could marry someone rich (we were very well off) and still have you. WTF?!!! Lots of stuff looking back that made no sense at all. It all seemed so out of left field. Now, not so much. .

    • Couldn’t agree more. That’s why I say it’s domestic abuse, not cheating… because people tend to victim blame you for your partner cheating on you and it’s so, so much worse than that.

  • When disordered blew up our marriage, he spent a lot of energy on the narrative, justifying the discard (hence ILYBINILWY), yet for those last two years he had plenty of delicious cake…No wonder I felt the need to shower after sex. ? Later, while going through his desk, I stumbled upon an old HIV test. So all those mean things he said to me led me to an obvious truth: when he dumped me, he created a vacancy.

  • I’m nobody’s muse, huh? But I am your muse.

    Why do you steal my identity, if you don’t admire me?

    Why do you emulate my personality, if you aren’t enthralled by me?

    Why do you copy my musical tastes, if I ain’t da bomb? Then let internet dates think you are so sophisticated and cultured to develop such a playlist —

    Why do you copy my mannerisms, if I am not your role model?

  • The Karma is going to hit this one fast. Deluded about what he can do and a relationship based on unrealistic adoration.

  • I’m new to this website but have enjoyed reading this page. Two months ago my H moved out to be with his AP. Yesterday he called to tell me that being with her was like “a breath of fresh air” compared to being married to me (for 16 years). It really stings. I hope someday that I will find the humor and strength that you all have found. Our 14-year old daughter is smarter than I am. She will no longer talk to him because he lied to her and me. He told her that not talking to him was “only hurting herself” and that he “only wants the same things in life as she does.” Does he think she wants to bang a 59 yo yoga teacher?

    • Comparing month two of living with Yoga Schmoopie to year 16 of life with you is in no way a fair comparison – but you knew that.

      Yes, it hurts. It was meant to. Trust that he sucks – and don’t forget to feel your anger. It’s like the stages of grief – the only way through it is through it. It can’t be side-stepped. I know. I tried.

      (Funny about the yoga thing, Froot Loop Schmoopie blogs extensively about the “enlightenment” and “insight” she’s gained as a yoga student. Does it have a special appeal to shallow, amoral, narcissistic homewreckers?)

      • Thank you for saying he sucks. I still need to hear that from other people – I am struggling with trying to disbelieve all the mindfucking. I think this website will help “deprogram” me. I ordered CL’s book and am taking it and my daughter on a vaca to Zion in a few weeks. We both need to be in a peaceful, beautiful, nurturing environment for a few days.

        The yoga thing. On my good days, it totally cracks me up. Not only is it oh-so-cliche but my STBX has bilateral hip replacement and can’t even touch his knees much less his toes. I’m guessing that the enlightenment and insight will help him achieve more shamanic energy, though, lol.

        BTW, was it intentional that the acronym STBX reads as “shitbox”?

    • He told your daughter she was ‘only hurting herself’ by not talking to him? Doesn’t that show up perfectly his vast narc self-importance and self-obsession, and totally disrespects your daughter’s decisions? I hope your daughter knows this. I discovered after 23 years of marriage that my ex is NOT the man I thought he was. It does hurt enormously, you’re grieving the unreal man and the unreal relationship, but don’t feel like an idiot. Their masks are perfectly convincing. It’s taken me six months to get to Meh, but it will come. ItStillReallyHurts, he DOES suck, but you shine, and so does your daughter! Love you <3

  • I feel for you, ItStillReally Hurts!

    Here’s the thing with Narcissists: you can’t leave them in charge, they’re way, way too fucked up. He can’t be left in charge of what the topic of conversation with you is about. When he calls and wants to mention dumbass? You have to immediately change the conversation and do not react. Get some phrases ready that you will say, prepare yourself to not react (not in front of him, the joy-drainer). As soon as you get off the phone, write down what he said that triggered you. Then when you are calm, go back and figure out how to deal with it.

    Don’t think he’s happy. Don’t analyze him. Just put one foot in front of the other and take the steps you need to take to create a happy home life for you and your daughter. He can’t take that away.

    • Thank you Queen. Just having someone reply here is amazing. It’s so bizarre to have one image of a person for 16 years (total belief in the awesomeness) and then one day, with no warning, have it all completely nuked. He is a bully and learning how to deal with a bully will be a new challenge. Right now, I’m still trying to deal with the shock/disbelief. I like your advice and will use it. Until I started reading through this website I did not realize how narcissistic he is.

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