My ex cheated with Schmoopie, up-ed and left what I thought was the perfect life, home, and family, to move three hours away from me and my three amazing young girls to move in with a twice-divorced home-wrecking whore and her two kids.
I’ve been fighting him now in court and through attorneys for three years. While my heart is full of joy and love today, I keep asking myself — why does he hate me so much? Why does he feel the need to destroy me and my character? Why does he ALWAYS do the wrong thing regarding the kids? Why the venom towards my parents, my nephews, his own godson, my entire family who did nothing but love him? He’s made it his mission in life to make me out to be the bad guy.
I supported his ass through thick and thin. I still do. The legal system is so fucked up, that he’s only made to pay for 25% of the kids. That doesn’t even begin to cover the cost of even one of my children. I’ve come out on the other side and am stronger then ever. I’ve gotten myself to the point where I KNOW I can conquer anything I put my mind to. I don’t need him for anything!
I still have that burning question though — Why does he hate me? What the fuck did I do, aside from being a loyal, loving, caring wife and mother who has always supported his sorry ass? I’ve read that cheaters have to do that in order to sleep at night, but WTF! Can you help me solve this mystery?
I don’t know, Jen. It’s one of the Great Fuckwit Mysteries. I imagine there is a sphinx somewhere and if we could only answer the Cheater Riddle, the sphinx won’t strangle and devour us. Which creature speaks with one voice, but becomes four-footed and two-footed and three-footed? (Answer: “WE’RE JUST FRIENDS!”)
Haters hate. This is the chump cue to be introspective and examine what you did to drive him to loathe you. My guess is consequences. If you’ve been in court for three years, apparently you did not take his “abandon the family” thing lightly. Being any sort of obstacle to fuckwit happiness makes you Public Enemy Number One. How could you, Jen? What, did you ask for more child support or something?
Forgive my cynicism. I just accept hate as a given when divorcing a fuckwit. I know we’re all supposed to aspire to conscious uncoupling (not to be confused with unconscious coupling, which is more of a Bill Cosby thing). Don’t think ill of the other parent, wish them well, share Thanksgiving, go on Carnival cruises together… There is this weird societal benchmark that to succeed at divorce you must part friends. So you probably came to this with the wrong set of expectations — that you would part, divvy up the stuff, and be all adult about it. Heck, you probably thought that since he WANTED this divorce and you GAVE him a divorce, he’d be civil. What’s his beef? He’s got a fabulous new life with Schmoopie. Why is he hating on his former nephew?
A couple theories on why he hates you… (I’m indulging in untangling the skein of fuckupedness. Not recommended practice.)
1. ) Consequences. It’s one thing to ask for a divorce. It’s another thing entirely to get it. Lawyers send these horrible legal bills. You lose your stuff. If the cheater can’t have cake (All the kibbles! No consequences!), then they’d prefer an uncontested divorce in which you absolve them from all responsibility. Like children.
You didn’t do that. Schmoopie sparkles are gonna cost him and that’s SO UNFAIR!
2.) Triangles are so fun. You serve a useful purpose as Obstacle. Anything wrong in Schmoopieville, it’s all your fault. What with your incessant, irrational demands that he pay for his children. But it’s okay, your centrality as the Evil Ex keeps the Other Woman off balance trying to please him. (See how AWESOME I am compared to your ex? I NEVER ask you for money! My children live on air! Watch me contort myself into tiny shapes of obsequiousness!) If you just removed your villainy and left them to it, well… they’d have each other. Ugh.
3.) It’s What The Disordered Do. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Bill Eddy (lawyer, mediator over at the High Conflict Institute) for the D.C. Bar and he said the telltale sign you’re dealing with a disordered person, is blameshifting.
Eddy says people with personality disorders stand out in three ways. First, “they really lack self-awareness of their behavior and its impact on others.” Second, says Eddy, disordered people don’t change their behavior, no matter how self-defeating, even when it’s in their own best interest to do so. Third, they are obsessed with blaming others.
“[High conflict people] are really stuck in a narrow range of dysfunctional behavior that they repeat and repeat. And you can’t change them for the better. Just forget about it!”
The biggest giveaway that you’re dealing with a personality disorder, says Eddy, is that they “blame others for all of their own problems. Since they don’t reflect on their own behavior, they have incredible energy for scrutinizing everyone else’s behavior.”
I know it’s absolutely gobsmacking that someone can cheat on you, lie to you, blame you for their abuse, and still have the delusional chutzpah to think THEY are the aggrieved party. But they do.
My advice here at CL is trust that they suck. Is it baffling that they suck? Is it unjust that they suck? Yes. But the most important thing about the suck is getting AWAY from the suck.
You’re free of him. Who cares if he hates you? Let him hate. Wave your fingers at him and smile. Abide the court order. Hold him accountable. Don’t give him any kibbles of centrality, and build your new life as sane parent to your three girls — three awesome girls he’s missing out on, the loser.
We’ll close out with Ms. Jill Scott, “Hate On Me, Hater.” Turn up the volume, Jen. And good luck.