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Your Stupid Cheater Moments

Breaking up is hard to do. But there are stupid cheater moments that make it a lot easier.

I’m talking about those moments when the spackle falls away. You see the cheater doing something patently moronic and you think, “I can’t believe I am married to this idiot. Just wow.”

Awhile ago, a member of Chump Nation shared this classic story:

My daughter and I went to Walmart at 11:00 pm on a fast trip to get supplies for a school project.  When we pulled in we noticed my STBXH truck was in the lot.  At that time of night only one store door open and few cars in the lot.  We went in and got what we needed and got in the only check out line.  We look up and see her father (my husband) checking out and paying.

There was one person in between us which evidently put up an impervious shield so that we were invisible  (whatever)… No shit he was buying a birthday cake and cupcakes for his mistress. So I actually got to watch my cake-eater STBXH buying a cake for his mistress!  (It was a Britney Spears cake since Britney is her role model.)  He is 47 she is 35… puke.

A cake eater buying a Britney Spears cake for his Schmoopie is a pretty epic Stupid Cheater Moment.

So what was yours?

Trust that they suck, chumps!

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  • The first time he threw me out by asking me to go back to my parents.it was an English Premier League season so he asked us to leave his house as his friends and him needed to watch soccer without distraction.that we may come back if the soccer season was over.it was pure humiliation.and i left and come back when the soccer season was over.thats how abused i was.i accepted everything he did.

    • Mom, I’m so glad that you are rid of this humiliation machine. It made me sick to read this, it’s not even funny like so much shit here is.

    • Everyone at CN I just had to share saddest story. I met a guy when out walking my dogs today. He told me about a friend of his who left her cheating husband after finding out he was having affair with woman in her office. This OW apparently made her life a misery and she asked to be transferred. During divorce she and ex shared custody of beloved dog (they had no children) but she decided to let him keep the dog as both cheater and OW made it unbearable for her when collecting/returning the dog. Cheater had been heard many times saying he would bankrupt her with cruel smile on his face.

      This poor lady couldn’t take anymore and shortly after celebrating her 50th birthday with friends she returned home and hanged herself. Her dog walker friend was clearly devastated to be telling me all this – a complete stranger. I kept thinking if only she’d known about CL and CN she may have got some much needed support and been able to share her story and have some hope for the future. So very tragic. I can’t stop thinking about this lady I never met.

      • Thanks for sharing and (((hugs))) to you. It serves as a good reminder to “advertise” Tracy’s website and let people know there is another take on cheating,what causes it and how to get out alive and then thrive. There is no shame in asking for help when one has been traumatized by this form of abuse and domestic violence.

      • Natalia B., I hear you and understand. Growing up in a small college town there was a family on our street who was well respected. They had a lovely daughter who married some prominent professional and moved to the East Coast. My parents were very sad when theyt learned the husband divorced her and she took her own life unable to deal with the divorce and all. That was in the 70’s way before Chumplady. Yet I think about that and all the women who just felt their life was over when the husband left them.

        • Hope 49 thank you for sharing that story I so agree how totally sad. I think even though the 70’s isn’t too long ago attitudes to divorce and a woman’s identity as a single person have really changed since then, thank God its far less taboo. What particularly struck me in this woman’s case, and again I only have her friend’s version of events, is the trauma caused not just by the break-up but the deceit and how she was treated by her cheater and his OW. One person’s capacity to destroy (or at least have total disregard for the pain) someone they once professed to love is truly astonishing. Some of the stories on CN are jaw dropping but thankfully most find a way to get through it. Your heart breaks for those who cant. Thank you for support of everyone who commented ❤💐

      • What a sad, sad story, Natalia. I’m sure many of us that have been chumped have wanted to die and have contemplated suicide. For me, it wasn’t for wanting to be with the cheater again. It was having my entire life destroyed by my ex. And then finding out he had been lying and cheating from the very beginning and also he waged a big smear campaign behind my back, telling tons of lies about me and lying to my face until the very end. It was and still is very hard to take as I know in my heart I didn’t do anything to deserve the way I was treated. No one deserves to be treated like that! I occassionally will share or “like” a CL post thing that maybe it’ll help one of my friends or friends of friends down the line. I probably would be dead today if I hadn’t found CL and CN.

        • I was to that point. And then I figured out that he was cheating on me with my best friend and all the mind games made sense. It’s amazing how quickly my “mental illness” was cured when the blinders came off!

          • My stbx also included my ex best friend..among others..lost not only my spouse but my entire circle of friends we had for 20 years..broke my heart in ways I can’t even describe

            • Ugh. Same thing happened to me 3 years ago. I’m still trying to recover. I feel your pain. I have never felt more broken.

          • Yes, that lies would be told is not surprising (considering the source). What was mind blowing to me was that they were believed (by anyone!). I thought people who knew me and had seen everything I did and was with an open heart over a bunch of years would just KNOW I was not capable of such. Or at least ask me about my side of things before judging. You find out who your friends are, tell you what!! Blessedly, I did come away with the good ones… without a lot of defending either. Looking back, it was just a big purge of b*sht.

      • Natalia, your story of the woman made me cry. I often think about taking my life. I think that is why I am on medication for depression and anxiety. It has only been 4 months from DD#1. I keep asking my self if I should try wreckconcilation with him, but then he hasn’t texted or called since I sent the letters to the OW and her parents. How many cheaters stop after the first time?

        • (((((((NOREGRETS)))))))

          Sweet woman! He isn’t worth your life! Don’t let him get the best of you! There’s a better life waiting for you, I PROMISE!!! Please take care of you! Ask for help and support from people that love you! Never ask him for help or support, he will just keep hurting you!

          They never ever change! They get worse with age! I know! I stayed with satan for 36 years and his behaviors just ramped up over time…worse and worse. They leave a path of destruction wherever they go…I imagine most, if not all, end up old and lonely and rejected by society over time. Disgusting behavior doesn’t make for good relationships.

          You are worth so much more than you have been given by him. You will heal. It takes time to clean the toxins out of your body and your mind. Please take care of you!!!!

          • NOREGRETS…I can relate to how you feel…I felt the same way for a great long time… These feelings will pass…I promise.

            I found that walking / being in nature helped me soooo much. It takes a bit to remember who we are and what gives us joy. Find your joy 🙂

          • JeepTess,

            Thank you for taking time out to respond. Do you know of anyone that gave their CHEATER a chance after only one time of being unfaithful? While I have gone and gotten a lawyer and my head says he will be my STBX. My heart and the holidays are struggling. He hasn’t even reached out. It’s like I am dead. He has made a life with the OW and her parents. Funny thing they all know what he is about and what he did to me. I guess they don’t care either.

            • Oh honey…I’m sure all of us here have given our x or stbx another chance…and another and another …I know I did. They don’t change…they just get worse.

              …a good friend told me shortly after I filed, ‘Thank goodness you finally gave up trying to help satan appreciate what he has with you. You’ve taken him back so many times, put up with so much shit, you probably disgust him at this point. I’m sure he thought you’d just keep taking it and continue to take care of him and his needs. Thank goodness you finally have had enough!’

              …she was right. This was the last time in 36 years…there will be no more chances for him with me. Please NOREGRETS don’t give him anymore of your life. It’s hard to do, I’m not saying it is easy, but it is the right thing to do for you. Like Chump Lady says, ‘…is this relationship good enough for you?’ No…I hope not honey. I hope you choose YOU and just walk away. He will never change…not ever. This is who he is.

              • JeepTess,
                Can you share with me how they get worse? I need to know because I want my heart to catch up with my head. I am really struggling. This pain is nothing I have ever experienced before.

              • …once we take them back, once, twice, whatever, they know that we will just put up with it. Which is fine with them cause they are going to lie and cheat regardless…its just a whole bunch easier if they can keep their ‘maid’ aka spouse appliance, to take care of their lives for them while they go do whatever they want, whenever they want with whoever they want.

                …you should probably read the archives and CN’s replies…it doesn’t take long to see that they are all pretty much the same… If I had had CL and CN 36 years ago…I don’t imagine I would have stayed around even one second after finding out about his first affair. I would have never have spoken to him again for the rest of my life.

              • JeepTess,

                Is it mainly fear as to why women won’t leave? I mean my STBX didn’t respect me by having an affair for 5 years, so taking him back would only give him the knowledge he doesn’t need to respect me because I took him back. I have a few friends that took there cheaters back and post pictures of there happy faces on FB. They are mostly staying for the kids and they love their CHEATER husband. How do they go on with life not thinking about the cheating.

              • …we don’t call it fakebook for nothing…

                I guess it comes down to what you are willing to put up with. He’s shown you who he is.

              • JeepTess,

                Your words are wise and helpful. I thank you for taking the time to read my posts and more importantly respond. He did show me who he is. It is hard to accept it all, but I know if I give him another chance I will always wonder about anything he tells me whether it is the truth or not.
                Thanks JeepTess for being there for me as I continue to struggle.

              • (((((((NOREGRETS)))))))

                We are all here for you! 🙂 We have all been where you are… I’m sorry you are going through this! NONE of it is your fault! It will take a while but you will begin to feel better and better as you gain distance from him. Your mind will clear and eventually your heart will feel joy again 🙂 I promise! 🙂

                I knew I couldn’t live always wonderin…once the trust is broken there is just nothing but lookin over your shoulder constantly. I knew I just couldn’t live like that. Life is a gift and it isn’t meant to be lived in such sorrow and agony.

                Tempest can give you my email address if you would like 🙂 Or post in the forums where other chumps will address your concerns also. 🙂 We’ve got a lot of great people here with some wonderful insight and amazing advice! 🙂

                Please reach out! Stay with us 🙂 We got your back! And lots and lots of great big bear hugs 🙂

              • JeepTess,

                I would love your email address. You made my night by offering it. As I am new to CL/CN I am not sure how to get to the forums. All I do know is I have been going through the archives.

              • NOREGRETS – Hang in there. YOU are normal. HE is not normal. He will try to turn it around on you over and over if he’s like most of the narcs in here. My ex was emotionally abusive (diagnosed by a therapist) and is going around telling people I was abusive. HE never wanted sex (mainly because he passed out every night) and is telling everyone I wouldn’t touch him – when it was my number one complaint with him. On and on and on.

                When he found me becoming stronger (or just exhausted with babysitting him) and on to his lies, he tried to mess with me more and smear me to others. He basically flailed like a toddler. Luckily he’s such an asshole and I’m halfway decent so no one believes him but his family. Nevertheless, it was/is so painful. With deception like that there’s no going back. You know his character now and that is a blessing. Character really doesn’t change I’m afraid.

                For a one night stand, perhaps some should consider forgiveness. Anyone can be a temporary idiot I suppose. Even after my ex’s hellaciously long affair I considered forgiveness because I desperately WANTED him to be a good person. He is not. Anyone who shows you such little respect and love is someone you are better off without.

                I don’t know when or if I will ever trust again, but let me tell you I am sooooo much happier with my daughter and without a partner than I was with that mindf***er. When I think back to the time I was with him, he was so weird, arrogant, and such an embarrassment to me. He just didn’t understand humans. I’m not trying to be dramatic here – that’s how I see it. I kept hanging in there because #1) I made a commitment to him and I took that seriously, and #2) I felt sorry for him with how “fragile” and clueless he was. Forget it – he has CHOSEN not to be an adult. These folks are like toddlers stuck in grown-up bodies.

                Reach out to people here any time you need and don’t feel it’s too much. I was so messed up when I first found out I lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks. Not good. I wish I had found this site sooner!

              • KYgal,

                Like you I have lost 20 pds. and still losing I weigh 110 now. When I got married I weighed 118. I have no appetite. I go for walks but I can’t seem to look forward to anything anymore except reading Chump Lady and the comments from CN. There are no words to describe properly this pain. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My heart is broken that much I know and the asshole doesn’t care. It is hard to let all this sink in when you have been played for a fool. He hasn’t texted, emailed, or called in 3 months. He told me it was over between us via text because of what I did by sending the letters to the OW and her parents. How does anyone deal with knowing that the person they truly loved never really loved you. It was all mind games to get you to believe in them and when you did believe they gutted you from the inside and out.

              • I gave my ex a second chance, because I thought his affair with a co-worker was a mid-life impulse on the heels of some other very traumatic life events we were experiencing at the time. I loved him and didn’t want to break apart my family, so we proceeded to arrange for marriage counseling, separate counseling, etc. One year later I discovered irrefutable evidence of the secret life he was leading during our entire 26-year marriage, including multiple affairs and God only knows what else, since he traveled for his job. I guess my point is that if there’s been one “indiscretion,” you can bet there have been – and will be – others….it’s just who they are and how they roll, and I have come to realize that they’re incapable – literally – of reform. The best thing you can do is move on. You don’t want to live with doubt and mistrust….you deserve authenticity in a relationship! We all do.

              • Amen mommamarsh! Raising my hand here!

                I’m sure this is the norm NOREGRETS … I’m sorry honey. I’m sure if / or as other chumps chime in here you will find multiple partners over entire relationships / marriages is the norm. 🙁 Run honey…run like a
                T-Rex is on your heels…and don’t look back. Go NC / Grey Rock asap…line up your ducks and find a pit bull lawyer that has dealt with this type of character before… Google attorneys in your area and interview a bunch of em. Post in the forums for recommendations from chumps in your area. Ask the questions you need help with too…and write down their wisdom and take these to your attorney of choice…a list of your needs and wants. Then do your best to get it met.

              • JeepTess, Thank you for the information. The more I learn the more I know I need to leave.

                Noregrets, I’m thankful you asked how to get into the forum as I had no idea either!

              • You are welcome NotAgain 🙂

                …so…did you find the forums? They are on the right of the screen (on my laptop anyway…I can’t see em on my ipad…) in red. At the top of the main page (once you log in) you can click on forums and access that way…I believe 🙂

            • Hi, not JeepTess, but your question about how they could get worse really struck a chord with me. I asked myself the same question when I first found out about my husband’s infidelity. I was convinced that it couldn’t possibly get any worse. Well, I wouldn’t wish on anyone what I’ve been through in the last 4 years. Countless broken promises, the lies, the deception, it really takes a toll, especially when it keeps happening. They always promise that things are different this time. They’re not. If I could go back in time, I would have packed up my life and left. I’m in the process of doing it now. I don’t want to waste any more time and neither should you! -Funnily enough, my mother in law posed the same question to me last week. She knows I’m leaving and she asked me ‘how much worse could he possibly be?’ Don’t let yourself get dragged down any further..

              • Chumpy,
                I thank you for your reply. I am trying not to let him or the OW drag me down, but I think about all the promises he made to me and the future we spoke of together and then he decides he wants the OW. He blames me for everything and since I wrote the letters to the OW and her parents, it is over between us. He doesn’t want someone who lashes out at innocent people and is vindictive, controlling, and manipulative.

              • Don’t label yourself with those words! That’s just him trying to spin the tables, which he will do over and over. HE is the one who did something wrong. Don’t forget that. He just doesn’t want people finding out about it. They have earned their consequences. Hold your head high. I know it’s so hard, but in time the manipulation will be easier to spot. You got this.

              • KYGal,
                I wrote a letter to the OW and her parents letting them know I have HPV and informing them that I knew about the 5 year affair. I wanted them all to know what they were getting. Instead I got FB posts of the two of them together thrown in my face and updated every few weeks.

              • That shows you what kind of people they are. I really doubt if you were told this information from someone else that you would respond that way. Think about it. I still believed my MIL and most of my ex’s family were good people for a while, turns out many of them aren’t. Found out his brother let his first wife and the kids go on food stamps while he had a fabulous job. He lied to all of us about it and said she was independently wealthy and hated all of us, etc.

                For the longest time I just said, “well, my ex is a liar so God knows what he has told them.” I’m sure that’s true but to respond to someone who has been wronged with cruelty on top of it is just unacceptable no matter what they’ve been told. After my ex was caught cheating and then cut child support in half, my MIL posted on Facebook how proud she was of him and that he’s never been so happy in his life. They do it just to hurt you more – to get to you. Some kind of sick game. YOU told the truth. THEY don’t like it. It is so painful, and utterly shocking. Let them live in their fantasy world. I’m grateful for all of us that we don’t have to live on that planet anymore.

                You will never get through with logic or human decency. Do not expect apologies or anyone to “wake up” and acknowledge the absurd cruelty of it all. I am normally a very optimistic person (which is part of the reason I got into this situation in the first place) but they REALLY don’t change. Try not to waste energy on THEM. THEY don’t deserve it. YOU deserve to focus on YOU and start living the way you want to live. My ex told me he never wanted to be married and never thought of me as a partner. As shocking as it was, it was a gift to help me understand that all those years I tried in the marriage, there was absolutely nothing I could have done to have saved it. I’m still proud for trying because that’s what decent people do. I am not a fool and neither are you.

                A better life for you is out there. It really is.

              • Hi NoRegrets, it sounds like he’s trying to turn this all back on you. Why is he blaming you for everything, when what happened is a direct result of his poor life choices? If he’s calling you vindictive, controlling and manipulating,, I wouldn’t listen to him. Who is the one who’s manipulative when he promised you all those things? So he’s angry that you told the OW and her parents that you caught something and that he had a 5 year affair. What is he angry about? Does he really expect that his actions have no repercussions? It’s affairs like this which thrive in secrecy. Of course he didn’t want you to talk to them about it. It makes things very uncomfortable for him. But so what? What about what you went through for the past 5 years? Trust me, you’re going to be just fine without him.

              • Chumpy,

                I thank you for responding to me again about my recent life changing event. I do believe he needs to blame me because he is never wrong. I have never experienced such pain as this. I don’t know how these people can just ride off into the sunset without any care for their actions, as well as have any sort of feelings about it. I really believe if I wasn’t taking depression and anxiety pills I don’t know how I would go day to day. I know such a cop out. When I try and think about what makes me happy I just cry and come up with no answers. How do these Chumps take them back after the first time of the infidelity? When they know in their heart and brain they are never going to be able to trust them again. Is it just being able to have them around so they aren’t alone? How can you sleep knowing they wanted to be with someone else and never respected to tell you beforehand?

        • NoRegrets I’m so sorry if my story of this woman made you cry or made you feel worse in any way. It sounds like JeepTess and some of the other CN members were able to pass on some great advice and wisdom. I really hope it helped and that you’re feeling a little stronger today.

          Sending strength, love and big hugs 💐

          • Natalia,

            Your post did make me sad because this woman was continuously abused during and after her marriage. The pain was excruciating for her and all she wanted was her dog to go through a. Rey sad life changing event. Instead two people chose for her to deal with it on her own. It was heartless. I am not perfect, I just was a fool to believe in someone that I thought was my forever. It is hard to try and pick up the pieces and decipher what was really true and real. Alas, I am left with lies, decent, and betrayal.

            • I know just how you feel. I’m taking one day at a time too and sometimes feels like two steps forward and five back. Only 33 days no contact but its getting better. We have to take strength and inspiration from all these amazing people at CN who have come through it. I thought my husband was forever too but he’s serial cheater not with particular AP but any cheap, easy woman who’ll feed his ego with attention. None of them meant anything to him but he got off on buzz of deceit. I couldn’t have given him more attention, exciting sex and love – even he admitted that and thinks the answer now is for us to renew wedding vows. He has a big problem but refuses to face it. He has lost everything now his marriage, business, home, his grown up children from previous relationship don’t even want to know him.

              We have to remember the people we thought we married never existed. It was a mask, a mirage. We will get through it I promise you. I have to believe that. What’s the alternative?

              Be kind to yourself. You’re going through a tough and painful time like all at CN. Everyone is here for you
              xxx

      • He would not even step aside and let her just have her dog.

        It’s one thing to cheat, and it’s bad enough. But, making life even harder and more miserable for the victim, and rubbing it in their face, takes things to a whole new level.

        That story is really sad, and I wish that poor lady had reached out for help. There’s life out here!

    • After they wear us down with lies, gas lighting and blame shifting- sometimes we chumps develop something that resembles Stockholm Syndrome. Don’t be hard on yourself dear chump- cheaters are good at wearing down our self esteem and individuality. That’s what they do best.

      • Poor lady. If her cheater and his OW have any conscience at all they’ll struggle to live with what they put her through. Of course I only had her friend’s side of the story but she must have felt such despair. So very sad

  • After D-day #1, when he supposedly broke up with her, he asked me to leave him alone that night so he could “grieve”. He also wanted to do it on a Friday night so she could have the weekend to process the breakup so it wouldn’t affect her at work. I was shocked by his level of caring and concern for her- that should have been my clue to leave.
    After D-day #2, I asked him if there was anyway he could see himself staying with his daughter and I so we could be a family. His response- “If she didn’t exist he could” she being the OW- that should have been another clue to leave.
    After D-day #3 when I caught him in the city with his mistress, he said he was relieved that I caught them together- this way he wouldn’t have to be the one to end it, I would. That was my clue to leave and I did….937 miles away with said daughter he couldn’t see himself being a family with because OW existed.

  • Amazing @mompreneur, that’s taking entitled to a whole new level. Entitled to have my family move out and cry elsewhere so I can watch soccer.

    Here’s mine. About 3 years ago my very sweet stepfather who was married to my Mum for 26 years passed away, I spent his final week with my Mum and my stepsister taking shifts at his bedside, and I was there when he died. Hard times. I stayed a few days to help with funeral arrangements, then flew home to tend to some stuff and then to return with my partner (now STBX) and my kids. When I arrived home he picked me up at the airport and we stopped for coffee, you would imagine I would get some nice love and support…..of course not – he decided to make a big fuss about how he hadn’t been given a special role at the funeral reading my stepdad’s favourite poem – seriously he knew my stepdad for less than 3 years and we live in another state, why would he have a speaking task at the funeral? And his thinking was that he was such a great performer that he would put on a great show (at a funeral!!!). He was offended, even though I told him my teenage nephew had already been asked. Major narc moment! I remember just looking at him and feeling so disgusted – at the time I had no idea he had already cheated on me with several women. I spackled. Wish I had listened to my instincts better.

      • Mine hated my dad, my dad knew what a turd he was. He said he would be glad when my dad dies and wouldn’t attend the funeral, fucking red banner waving there!
        Deep as puddles the lot of them!

      • Very interesting, this thing about funerals and cheaters.

        My cheater strutted around like a peacock at my father’s services (I was totally clueless in those days, and very confused about what I could be doing to make Lord Sparkledick so upset). But he refused to hold my hand. He did not dry one tear. He just carried on about what a banana my dad had been to my mother (true).

        In spite of the relief I feel about being divorced from this jackass I get sick everytime I remember cheater at my beloved father’s services. It has ruined forever my memories of such a painful moment.

        • Before dday and my knowledge, cheater’s grandma died. She was a major mean back stabbing toxic bitch, kind of the start of the narc gene line. He made a big fuss about Family, loyalty, respect that day – and he made sure that the mow was there. He also made a big deal out of parading his beautiful wife and children in front of her. I’d never met her, i was trying to figure out who this mousy thing was that kept staring at me and glaring, and why the f she, as an employee, was even there. I was so humiliated when everything came out. The family was soooo honoured and grateful she attended. I of course was losing the competition i didn’t know was on. It still hurts.

          On the positive side, I’ll never attend a funeral for his family again, and I’ve emailed the relatives I’ve cared about and told them (calmly) exactly why, and that i was too hurt to risk humiliation again. What with all the respect and loyalty, i thought they should know. Boy, having the truth out there was not welcome at all – my absence was supposed to be the drama, not the truth about the affair.

        • Ha ha, CW. I agree it’s hard to choose the best cheater moment here. But mine had his great funeral moment too: he arrived back from a “men’s organization trip” (now known to have been cruise with AP hooker / patient) for his uncle’s funeral WITH HIS DICK SHAVED. I kid you not. Did he think I wouldn’t notice? He tried to tell me it was because “it made masturbation feel better”. (Which of course I did not believe, but at that time I couldn’t prove anything). Lol — I did at least get a chance to tell him he now looked like he just had chemotherapy.

          • Dick shave. Wow. Just wow. As Chump Lady says, you can’t make this shit up.

            And I love the excuse for the shave. I think your stupid (Choke choke on laughter) shit wins the prize…

          • Holy crap Chickynot, my STBX came back from a ‘business cruise’ with the same thing!! He said he did it during a drunk moment…feels cleaner he said. I too was not buying it but no proof of anything at that time…

            WTF is with these idiots?

        • When I got the phonecall that my dad had only a few hours to live, I asked my then boyfriend to drive me to see him, a two hour trip. He refused, saying he was ‘tired’. I married this same guy, three years later, an am now trying to recover from his 4 year affair, after 25 years of marriage. I am so mad at myself….pay attention to the red flags at the beginning of the relationship!!!

          • Absolutely! If I knew what I knew now I would not have married the ex cheater wife. But OTOH I wouldn’t have my sons.

            • Rickb89,
              I am so torn with my wish that I’d never met my STBXH, because to wish that would mean my daughters wouldn’t have been born, and of course, I would never wish that!

              The dilemma with that thought!

              • @Rick and GWYG,
                You wouldn’t have your sons/daughters? Do NOT go there. I’m quite certain you would still have had your wonderful children; it just would have been with someone else. Yes, they might have had different gender, age, or appearance. But there was nothing special about cheating ex/stbx being required to provide sperm or egg donor services.

                I’m so glad that you cut the cheaters off, so that you can raise your children with decent parenting. That’s the most important thing. They need good role models in their lives, parents like you who are not afraid to stand up for what’s right, and do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. They are very lucky to have parents who will instill genuine values in them, of both self-sacrifice and self-respect.

                I pray that you both find good spouses who will treat your children as cherished gifts, and help you be the good parents your children deserve.

                Just so, I also pray that my niece will stop being a forgiveness fairy and dump her cheating fuckwit baby-daddy, while her children are young enough to not be seriously twisted by his emotional bankruptcy.

          • Yeah, pay attention to the red flags at the beginning of the relationship! I married someone too that did something questionable before a death. My exes grandfather had pretty much hours to live. My ex (boyfriend at the time) had a interview for his first job out of college. He was wondering out loud in front of his mom, me and a few other of his family members — should he cancel the interview to see his dying grandfather for the last time. I’m the only person who spoke up. I said something like, “A job interview can be rescheduled. You might never see your grandfather alive again. And if the company doesn’t understand, you don’t want to work for a company like that.” He took my advice and saw his grandfather for one last time before he passed that same day. His mom and no one else said anything to him. To me, it was a very clear decision. Family first.

            And when the exes narc moms mother passed away. What did his narc mom who only cares about what people think and how she is perceived say? “I need to find something snazzy to wear for the wake and funeral.” At the time I was thinking — that’s a weird thing to be concerned about when your mom just died. To me, it would be the last thing on my list. I’d just hope I have something fitting in my closet to wear. At the wake she was the center of attention with her snazzy outfit. And of course I waited on that entitled family hand and foot trying to be the loving, caring DIL — huge gathering at our home the day before the wake for out of town family. Did 100% of the work — cleaning, cooking, ordering food, shopping, etc. But my narc ex-husband said I “never took good care of him” and this toxic family threw me away like garbage after all the nice things I did for them over the years. Oh, and they are this great “Christian” family. Gag!

        • Mine refused to kiss me at my graduation. We’d just slept together for the first time that weekend, too.
          It was so incomprehensible I didn’t know what to make of it, so I spackled

      • Yes,
        Cheaters aren’t good at death beds, visitations or funerals. Chumps are strong though, we feel blessed to be there with our loved ones, and we hold ourselves up. We are just built that way.
        Cheaters, not so much!

        • When my poor Mom was dying from cancer I received the call that I should be at her bedside – she was passing quickly.

          The real estate broker was at our farm having the last condition of it’s sale removed and I was 9 months pregnant with a three hour drive ahead of me.

          My X freaked out because I was not taking our 5 year old daughter with me!!!

          How dare I leave him alone with her. Jackass had never been involved and didn’t know what to do….

          I told him not to worry – she would tell him and that I was leaving her in charge.

          • Aww Lucky,
            I am so sorry, you had to drive to your Mom’s deathbed alone, 9 months pregnant and had to leave your little 5 year old with him.
            Isn’t it something how our children are wise beyond their years! I totally understand your child being able to tell him what to do. My precious daughters were the same. My 2 daughters and myself, we held each other up, we really learned to expect nothing from him. To this day we have a very strong, special bond.
            He will never get it.
            Just the way it is.
            His loss.
            Hugs to you and your precious children.
            I truly understand what it is like to just get out there in life and do what we have to do! ( we pass this strong trait on to our babies)!

      • Aww…Funerals. So when my father passed away my narc husband was annoyed that my sister did not consult him and work around HIS schedule for the funeral. He was really annoyed that my sister scheduled it around her daughter’s out of town gymnastic’s tournament! Now , my sister is a nurse and she and her husband DID the bulk of assisting my parents throughout several medical crises. My narc husband? He did absolutely nothing for my parents at anytime during their lives. They loaned him money for his business and guess what? He didn’t pay them back. I hate him for that. My parents did a lot for us during our marriage and he did nothing in return except take advantage of their graciousness.

    • My then-husband was always odd at any social gathering, but his behavior was over the top weird at his parents’ funerals (who died within weeks of each other). I remember thinking EXACTLY what Chump Lady said, “I can’t believe I’m married to this village idiot.”

      During his father’s wake, there was a bleached blonde chick lurking all afternoon in the back of the room. When I went over to introduce myself and try to make her feel welcome, my then-husband – who refused to acknowledge me all afternoon – was on us like white on rice. Turns out it was his bimbo. I wonder how Schmoopie felt when he introduced me as his “wife,” and introduced her to me as a “work colleague.” I remember shaking her hand and thinking what a limp, sweaty handshake she had. And how horrifically cross-eyed she was.

      While preparing for his mother’s funeral Mass, I was supposed to do a reading from the Old Testament that my MIL had said she wanted. On the ride from the funeral home to the church, then-husband told me he changed the reading. When I said his mother WANTED the one I had practiced, he said, “The one I selected is more appropriate.” I thought, “How fucking selfish.”

      Then at the reception, he was FIRST in line for the food, prepared a “heapin-helpin” plate like he was at the Hungry Heffer, and then ate it on the stairs alone, overlooking the room. Even our kids were horrified.

      He didn’t come home on either night of his parents’ funerals and told me he spent it at their house so he could be alone with his memories.

      Is that what they call screwing a cross-eyed, limp-wrist bimbo?

      It didn’t matter that his kids were grieving their grandparents. It was always ALL about HIM – the selfish weirdo that no longer even tried to act like he gave a flying fuck.

      • Too crazy for words! Who brings theirAP as a date to a funeral?!

        Funerals are so difficult for the narcissist- someone else is the center of attention. My then STBX came up to me at my father’s funeral & without expressing a single condolence began telling me that he was planning to get a lap band to help him loose weight. I was flabbergasted! I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in months &tge topic of conversation? Once & forever- him! That was the moment for me.

        • Don’t forget others weddings and baby showers. Thanks to my new “glasses” to help bring narc behavior into focus, I think back to my best friend’s wedding almost twenty-five years ago and her narc sister-in-law’s behavior as well as some choice moments at a couple of baby showers.

          Live,learn and look forward with 20/20 vision

        • My STBX (now ex-husband as of October, after three years in court) brought his current girlfriend to his dad’s funeral, which took place in late September. At the funeral, first time I met the current girlfriend, current girlfriend urged me to finalize the divorce. She also asked me about my dating status. As my post-separation boyfriend who I had known for 30 years had just broken up with me (I did not yet know that he had kicked me to the curb for someone at work), I had no desire to share information. I told her that I was uncomfortable sharing personal information with her before my divorce from her boyfriend/my estranged husband was final. This woman has a PhD and thus is not stupid, so stupid is no defense. So glad that my ex-husband and his current girlfriend are each other’s problems now!

    • Mine spoke (with tears, of course), of how my mother was “so good” to him at her memorial service. He left me for Skankenstein 6 days later. My dad recorded H speaking at the funeral – we have a tough time watching it. My father was a police officer/detective for 30 years and still has a difficult time accepting that his daughter was married to a sociopath.

    • My dad died after my DDay. My ex cheater wife did not attend the funeral, we had been married 24 years, and instead went to another state to sleep with my cousin. Such a nice girl.

      • My dad escaped my Dday. Cheater wife cheated on me nine days after my dad’s funeral- or at least that was the one I found out about. Turned out my dad’s week in the ICU after a double stroke messed up cheater wife’s adultery schedule.

    • My cheater told me that she couldn’t wait for me to grieve the death of my mother, it would take two years expert that she is in these things. X is turning 50 soon and wants someone to make her feel good about herself (a loose quote but you get the idea). It’s hard to do that I guess when you are grieving the death of your mother. Instead she decided to quickly select her next victim, go into what I now understand to be full love bombing mode. DDay came quickly (I’m smart like that) and after a ridiculous three week ‘pick me dance’ (had not found CN and CL yet), dumped my ass after 21 years as if we never existed, raised a child together (from her prior marriage), have had multiple animals, primary and vacation homes and every trappings of a long-term partnership you can possibly imagine. I should have guessed I was on my way to a discard when she decided it was a good idea to take a photo of the spray on my mother’s open casket at behest of her mother. There are no words.

  • We where getting ready to go to the beach, at this point Silly me thought the affair was online and she lived in Germany. I was having trust issues and he handed me his phone. I hit google Chrome and up came 600 photos of them and their affair, I love you written in the sands, hugs, selfies, pictures at the beaches we go to with our kids. I went through these photos and the story unfolded. The ground fell away beneath my feet and my hands shock uncontrollably. She had been living in Singapore and flown over to see him and they stayed in the new hotel he had only said a week before ‘maybe we could stay there sometime’ probably would have booked the same room, sick fuck!
    Anyways so as my mind was exploded at the level of betrayal, he said ‘ I guess we aren’t going to the beach then’
    I saw red and slapped him across the head and then called a friend to supervise his moving out and to stop me going medieval on his ass!!!
    Mom, yours like mine is a first grade fucker.
    I’m a year out today from finding the receipt in the car that was the beginning of the end. I knew when I found it what was going to unfold.
    Wow things are still shitty but I am soo much stronger and I’m regaining my mind that had been scrambled from years of abuse.

    • I also found a receipt in the car. Hotel room receipt in my car after we had traded cars for a few days because I went out of town. Must have been here bye tip all, right? I️ never understood that. Chumpy me.

          • Mine just didn’t think. I don’t think he left it there on purpose. He’s not real bright. It was a receipt for herbal supplements which is his number one interest. He bores everyone senseless playing unqualified naturopath. Just doesn’t get that people don’t want to talk about his shit all the time. Utterly self absorbed and a hypocrodreac, hope he bored German slags pants off with his endless droning.
            He is currently trying to Hoover his way back and says he is having heart problems and shallow breathing like his mother did her her mid forties, she is now quite ill. It was almost laughable,,, he runs 10 kms a few times a week and is fit and healthy. Pity me.
            Yeah sorry dude even if you where really sick I don’t want to carry your lame ass while you sit around and do nothing while I work and raise kids. You fucked me around and I owe you nothing, should have thought this shit through early. Oh that’s right you don’t have the mental capacity to as ego gratification is number one.

            • Maybe extra helpings of his herbal remedies will help the poor dear through his health crisis.

              They’re all so full of themselves!!

              • What is it with cheaters and their “self proclaimed” knowledge of healing dietary supplements? They obtain their self bestowed medical degrees from Google university upon themselves.

                Mine at one count, took over 30 pills a day, drank bullet coffee by the bucketful and knew more than any naturopath or MD on human dietary needs.

                As I was fighting cancer and he was fighting to keep up his image management after final DD, he e-mailed me information from a healer on supplements that prevent cancer. See…he cared…(not).

                Such a dumb ass…I already had cancer. I’m pretty sure cherry extract is not going to fix highly aggressive cancer. So happy I kicked his ass to the curb and listened to my well educated oncologist’s medical advice.

                Now cheater and cancer free. He can keep his massage parlor prostitute and his cherry extract. I’m doing better than great without him or his advice.

                Him, last I heard or remotely cared, not so well…

                All the supplements in the world can fix what he has…Cheateritis!

      • I found several receipts in my STBXH van over the years…one for the cell phone he used to call his whore without me knowing. And other “receipts” that were for when he drove into the neighborhood where his whore’s sister lived. When confronted with the question of why on earth would he be visiting the whore’s sister, he always responded that he was providing “warranty work” on something he’d installed in her house (he’s a handyman). I guess that was actually code for “installing” his dick into his whore.

  • One highlight that comes to mind is when he yelled at me in the car “That’s it, I’m not taking you to the beach!!”, like I’m a 5-year old who needs discipline, because I had brough up stuff to discuss.

    I was on vacation where he lived, as a chance to figure out stuff after a period apart, but he refused any attempt to discuss things seriously and also backtracked on his previous committment to educate himself about abuse. I should add being back to the house and the surroundings, after very hard months living somewhere else, I was a crying mess. He was furious that I wasn’t “appreciating his welcoming efforts” because I wasn’t willing to pretend I was all happy on holiday.

      • I’ve got more! Suppressed somewhere in my memory…I really appreciate people pointing out these things to me, because in my mind I suspect I don’t take them as seriously as should (I don’t always “trust that he sucks”, or I’m quick to forget).

        Here’s another one… we were in a middle of an argument and I was questioning, he was stonewalling, and at one point I said “You want me to just -get over it- (his flirting/lying, without full disclosure), but you know my dog has been dead 5 years and I still cry every time I talk about her and you always act supportive, you never tell me to -get over it- “.

        Then, just because he simply had to drive his point home, he said “well, at some point I just well might, if I think it’s been too long”.

        (Sad backstory: I left the family home to move in with him in another city and my dog got sick and died less than a year later. I’m afraid the heartbreak of not knowing where the hell I disappeared was a factor and it’s something I’m never going to forgive myself for.)

    • We were returning home from Christmas shopping during wreckonciliation And I simply asked how he could have lunch with her and then come home to me and kiss and be at the house. His response? Repeatedly punching himself in the face. Not soft. Hard. There were bruises on his face and eye for allll of his family to see. And they looked at me like I did it. At that point I didn’t even care. I didn’t like those fuckers anyway. I knew spackle was cracking.

      • Exasshole punched himself in the face to set me up for a DV charge, thankfully he bruised his hand badly doing it so that couldn’t fly. Once he realized it he backtracked and told me he did it to punish himself, yeah right.

      • Hopefloats80, Wow! I hope you got out of the situation quickly. It sounds like he was masterminding some plan to falsely accuse you of domestic violence. Did he call the police on you? Or did he just use this as a ploy to ‘get narco’ sympathy from his family. Dang…

  • Disappearing while I was in labor. Then coming back quite some later to a very cross laboring mother who wanted to know where he’d been for so long. He had to clear his head and have some food as he was starving! (Like I wasnt?) Oh and disappearing for hours on the night my father was dying to go FISHING! No it couldnt wait apparently so I left the hospice to return to my children who were not quite old enough to be left alone for hours, especially given they knew their grandad was dying. My Dad died alone a few hours after I left him, and guess what? No fucking fish either.

    Just wish I’d known what my father REALLY thought of cheater, instead of hearing it second hand after D-day.

    • My stbxh left me alone in labor, sat texting on his phone as I hemorrhaged after tthe youngest was born and disappeared for 5 hours while I was still a patient in the hospital.
      Scum he was and is.

      • While I was in labor with first DD, Hannibal asked the male of the best-friends-couple who had accompanied us to the hospital if he wanted to go for a drink.

        • Ex also disappeared during birth. I had my son at 7:30am and he stepped out at 9am because he was starving!! He was gone most of afternoon, texting the OW. He The second night in the hospital he claimed he was sick and had to go home. I was released on Sunday and he said he’d be back by 9am. He didn’t show till noon. Apparently he’d been up all night on the phone with OW and needed to get some sleep. I remember calling him to come get me slowly thinking that something wasn’t right. Ten months later I found out everything.

          • What’s with these guys being such jerks while we’re giving birth? After I woke up from the emergency C-section and hobbled to the toilet while clutching my incision, my ex-entitled a**hole hopped into my hospital bed to watch tv and refused to move when I returned. While I sat on the uncomfortable visitor’s chair, he lay in my bed, eating the hospital food from my tray, watching football on tv. THAT is the memory I will always dredge up whenever I miss my old life.

            It has been just over 27 years, and I’m still getting agitated at the memory. Let it go, let it go …

            • Yeah, these fuckwits show exactly who they are when their wife is pregnant, delivering or after the baby was born. One of these is the story I was going to share today, but I’m putting it here as it goes with the theme of this thread.

              After our son was born, every person he called up to tell the good news. He had to say about me if someone asked him, “Martha had minimal discomfort during the birth.” The opposite was the truth and at the time I couldn’t understand why he needed to downplay everything. Well, now I understand that in his disordered mind, that my pain or discomfort could possibly give me attention kibbles from his family and friends. Like, “Oh, poor Martha!” Now I never would have wanted that from anyone, because as women know, childbirth is painful and it goes with wanting to have a baby to love and take care of. But the disordered mind/narc would use childbirth as another way of garnering narc fuel/attention. So he had to downplay my pain to make sure I didn’t take anything away from him.

              Two of my family members came from out of state to visit and help. Disordered narc husband wouldn’t give our son to me when he was crying (son was about two weeks old). Disordered fxckwit held crying son as he was paging through the book “Parenting for Dummies” trying to find the page as to what to do when the baby is crying. I kept saying, “Give him to me and I’ll nurse him and he’ll stop crying.” He refused and said, “I’m the dad and I’m not giving him to you. I can get him to stop crying.” I pleaded and he then went into our unfinished basement and I followed him. He stood up against the concrete wall, holding our crying son and kept telling me he wasn’t going to give him to me. I then gave up and went upstairs and my family member said to me, “What going on with him?” And I said, “I don’t know.” The next day I decided to pump milk for the first time, because I thought that maybe my ex felt left out because I was breastfeeding and he couldn’t feed our son. So when he got home from work, I handed him the bottle of milk to feed our son. He sat on the sofa with our son and what did the narc say, “TAKE MY PICTURE.” More attention kibbles for the fxckwit! He couldn’t just enjoy feeding our son. He had to have a picture of him being the greatest dad in the world, which he never was.

              He had an affair when I was pregnant with our second born (son was only a year old) and was emotionally abusive way over a year. Even threaten to leave me and the kids when I was pregnant.

              Told me he wouldn’t be able to be at our daughters birth if she was to be born near the due date, because it was his “busy season” and he wouldn’t be able to get off work. So I purposely got my membranes stripped two weeks early (painful) and took castor oil to induce labor, so that he couldn’t use the excuse that he had to work.

              Treated me like shxt when our daughter was born. Totally uninvolved when I was in labor, but when the doctors and nurses showed up in the room he’d act like the dotting, loving husband and father. When no one was around, he’d yell at me and cold and mean.

              I still cannot believe I put up with this crap. How he acted when our son was crying shows how weird he is. Who does that? I knew it was odd behavior when it happened, but I didn’t know what it meant. Like CL said, “I can’t believe I’m married to this idiot.” So much odd and strange behavior over the years that I spackled over.

              • The first night we were home after I had the baby he begged me for sex and when I said no because my insides were still coming out he kept putting my hand in his pants to give him a hand job even though I was more exhausted than I ever been in my entire life, it was a difficult birth where I had complications and had to have minor surgery and stitches, my newborn was right next to me in the cot, and my mom was on the couch in the living room about 15 feet away. It was almost immediately following this that he started hitting the porn heavily and to my knowledge having affairs with prostitutes when he would go away on business. Naturally I was called a frigid ice queen “b” because I didn’t put out postpartum.

        • Ha! Mine went out for breakfast after our son was born (three days labor for me, thanks) with his mother and dad; he saw an old girlfriend nearby and went to talk to her. My dear MIL went over and dragged him away.

          What a tool he was, but his mom was a love. Sometimes I think she’s the reason I married him!

          • CH couldn’t help me the night I came home from the hospital after our third child was born. It turned out he had a date with an under aged girl. This was many years ago. I can’t believe how he complains about the morals of today’s politicians!

            • This is our clue that they are truly disordered. They will criticize things that could describe themselves and not even see it.

              • Yes!! My STBX added an extra two days just for himself to the beginning of our family ski holiday so he could ‘visit friends and family’ in the area before our holiday started. Really he stayed at OW’s place for two days, then joined us on our holiday. Then two days later, he sees my daughter watching ‘the batchelor’ and tells me in his best moral guidance tone that I shouldn’t let her watch that, it’s disgusting the way they have the batchelor dating all those women at once….after D-day it was one of the first WTF moments I thought of.

        • Tempest,
          The nurse meant for YOU to keep up the fluids while in labour, and not alcohol. Too damn bad he couldn’t have felt a contraction or three. He wouldn’t get far for a drink then.
          All the years I worked labour and delivery I just wanted to see one miracle baby come through just one penis!
          Big sigh!
          Jerk, leaving you at a time like that!

        • Mine planned and executed a ski trip to Europe around my planned C-section date. His mom and friend took me to the hospital. He came back when DS was 10 days old and nameless because the father was not there to do the paperwork (I was not allowed as I was not the citizen of his country). Fun times.

          This was not the stupid cheater moment though. This was a sad one, among many others. The stupid one was when we were wreconciling and I recall telling him over and over again that for me to accept him back he should stop all relationships with his women. I sounded like “son, you can’t lie to mommy anymore” it was so ridiculous. I caught myself thinking why am I even saying this? It should go without saying. And his response, raging at me because I was stopping his cake, was “Ok, ok!!! I am not going to fuck outside of home! But you can’t stop me from talking to women if I see them in a bar! And you know what!? I may even stop fucking entirely, even stop fucking you!!! Yes, we can be a family but with no sex!!!” I was totally shocked and disghusted. But unfortunately, even that was not enough to end it. Until the DDay 2 rolled out…

        • Ah yes, mine drank himself silly (he did wait until after she was born;) with one of his “friends”. He came the next day to the hospital so hungover that he had to leave 15 minutes after he got there because he was “too tired”. Yep. He sucks.

    • Mine built his bar in the basement the week I gave birth to our first son via C-section. He grudgingly visited us every day for exactly 30 minutes, then would get back to his “project.”

      On one of those “magical” new family visits, he got pissed because I was in the middle of nursing our son and he wanted to hold him. Then I got snippy when he kept shoving polaroids of the bar he was building in my face WHILE I WAS NURSING. I told him I couldn’t look at them right now.

      Even the lactation coach gave me the eye roll. Seems everyone knew what a colossal douchebag he was after just five minutes of meeting him. Everyone except chumpy ole me.

      When my son and I were discharged on Sunday afternoon, we came home and he took a nap. Then went back to work the next day. Seems “his vacation” was over.

    • Im pretty sure when he disappeared while I was in labor, he was seeing his OW. We knew her socially through a seasonal sport. Guess she was fed the our marriage is dead line, cos when I saw her the next season (with my new baby) She cut me dead. If looks could kill, I would not be here to tell the tale. Guess its hard to swallow the ‘our marriage is dead’ line when the wife is holding a new baby!!

      • Gosh, mine isn’t so bad compared to some of these “How my cheater behaved around the birth of our child” stories!

        Our daughter was born very early on a Thursday morning. He was with me for the birth, and then came again on Friday. Saturday, I didn’t see him at all, and when he brought me (us) home that Sunday, there was different furniture in the apartment. Turned out, he had taken the nurse with whom he was having the affair and gone used furniture shopping. Oh, how I hated that poop brown couch and chair! I didn’t find out till months later the story of the furniture, but he was pretty evasive about it from the start.

        He’s been married now for over 25 years, (we never married, and were broken up for many years by the time he met this one, as far as I know.) I found out from a reliable source that he cheats on her with shocking regularity. My reward is that I didn’t get stuck married to him, and that while I have a lovely relationship with our daughter, he has been blowing her off for several years now. I’m sad about that, but, their relationship is between them. I know he’s missing out, but I don’t know if he will ever fully realize this.

  • STBX was firmly set in blameshift mode a few months after I moved out. One day he accused me of tampering with his cel phone. Puzzled, I asked why he would suggest such a thing.

    Turns out his cel phone had pocket dialed Schmoopie’s STBX’s cel phone. (a totally probable occurrence as we had all been good friends before they blew up our marriages). Of course this had led to a very awkward phone exchange with Schmoopie’s STBX. Details of that aren’t central to the story. The point is that STBX had the nerve to accuse me of somehow orchestrating the pocket dial. “You bitch! YOU must have made my phone do that!!!” Well, I hadn’t seen STBX in days, and trust me folks, I am not tech-savvy in the slightest. He couldn’t even explain how I might have orchestrated the pocket dial, but he was thoroughly convinced that I caused it. That’s when I knew I was dealing with a truly disordered person. So I told him to go get professional help for his paranoia, and I walked away.

    Epilogue: A week later, STBX installed a fancy security system with spy cameras at our marital home to protect himself from me – the evil pocket dialer. You can’t make this shit up!

    • Ha! My cheating sociopathic STBX also installed security equipment at all of his alternate homes. Watched the charges for the stuff roll by on our accounts. Who knows what the insane story spun around the reasons for that might be? Not me, thank goodness.

      • That cheater paranoia seems to be a theme. They think we’re going to harm them, I believe the real reason is that they mean to harm us…
        I am still looking for murder stats which detail whether the murderer was the chump, the cheater or the AP. My gut feel is that chumps get murdered by the cheater, the AP, or both in cahoots more often than the other way around. I’d love to find the numbers.

        • That would be interesting to know, Kiwichump. You are so right about the true cause of cheater paranoia being that those evil thoughts are in their heads. When we would get in bad fights, cheater XH would always say, “Are you going to do something to me in my sleep?!” It was so creepy, because I am not like that and hadn’t even thought of that, but it shows you where their minds are. There was even one time, right before the final D-day when he told me that he fantasized about strangling me in my sleep. These cheaters are a sick, depraved breed!!!

        • Most definitely chumps get whacked more frequently than cheaters and APs. Chumps are easy to whack. Trusting, unaware of the gravity of the situation. And they have no value/worth to the cheater.

          • They truly are crazy. I’ve told my STBX many times during our marriage (13 years. ..i guess 13 really is unlucky ) that he is master manipulator, everything is my fault,weather it’s brken car,tv . .When it rained, i would joke that it must be my fault.
            He told me during argument, that only reason he doesn’t put his hands on me and only hurts me with words is because hedoesn’t want to go to jail,or that it’s frowned upon..oh thanks.

        • I think he was planning a murder/ suicide which my taking my kids and leaving his sorry ass, thwarted.

          Unfortunately, he did get his revenge in the end.

    • Well before I ever imagined that he was cheating, I had been promoted to a new hospital job where I had my own phone and had time to call him (this was very different from my years of nightshift bedside nursing). I had no idea that the hospital blocked its number on all outgoing calls. I wouldn’t have considered that a problem though…he was my husband, right? So I Calle him in the middle of the day and he seemed disturbed and then blurted out “who is this?”. “It’s your wife.” (REALLY should have been a red flag to me !!!!!!! When he became a monster, one of his absurd accusations was “For God sake, Uni, you called me from blocked numbers !!”

      What an offense !!! I called my own husband from work. He was an idiot and I didn’t see it.

      • Unicornomore,
        Your hospital calling post brought back a memory to me. I was to leave work around 12 midnight in a specialized unit, but because the hospital had received a bomb threat staff were told we could not vacate until the all clear message was given, and that was expected to take hours, also we were told we may have to evacuate. They told us around 2 AM we were allowed to notify our family we did not know when we would be home, as they thought they would be worried. It was a serious situation as incoming calls to the hospital were blocked. When I called cheater to tell him this news he said “You woke me up to tell me THAT”, and hung up,clearly annoyed I had disturbed his sleep!
        Gave me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, worse than the bomb scare itself!

    • The Evil One installed cameras around his first slut shack. Claimed that not only me, but my two kids, and a few friends were allegedly driving by spying on him and his OWhore. For the record, we weren’t.
      He moved to a new.plave a year ago. To this day, I’ve yet to go near it.
      Bet he’s disappointed on a regular basis when he scrolls through footage and doesn’t see me cruising by.

    • Mine did the same and totally acted scared of me. About a week after the big reveal, he was sleeping on the couch while I slept in our bed. We had the same kind if TV in both the living room and bedroom and they shared the same remote. One night, when he was sleeping, I went to get it and when I reached over him to get it off the back off the couch, he woke up with me standing over him with a look of terror on his face. I just looked st him and said, “relax, I’m just getting the remote!” Freaking guilty conscience.

      And he also set up a surveillance system… as if He’s going to ‘catch’ me doing something to his shit in the yard.

      Fat chance…

    • Yeah, my ex put in a keypad door lock on his front door so our kids wouldn’t have a key to his ghetto home so I guess in his disordered mind, I wouldn’t have access to his home. I have only been near his ghetto home three times and each time it was to drop our daughter off or she had to run in and get something. Nothing better than watching your kid punch in numbers to get into her disordered fathers house. I would not be the least bit surprised he’s got security cameras up and probably his whore does too. I leave the character disordered to themselves and let them think to themselves that they are so wonderful and moral. I cannot wait until the day she figures out the truth about him. They are each others karma bus.

  • Huuuummmm, let’s see. Hard to choose the best stupid cheater moment.

    With spackle: made me spend a weekend trying to recover AP’s suitcase that was checked under his name since she had exceeded her baggage limit of 2 X 32 kg bags from so much shopping in the USA. (airline lost it forever…. hahaha).
    Spackle-chump here asked him how on earth his “assistant” had had the time to do so much shopping if she was working… His reply was a masterpiece of blameshifting and gaslighting.
    About my level of spackle: I’m talking about THREE 32 kg suitcases filled in less than a week…..

    And without spackle: Fuckwit’s Famous Last Words huffed and puffed under our roof as he left our home for the last time banging the door behind him: “But I’m NOT a chicken!” (chicken in my language is slang for a very promiscuous Don Juan).

  • My stupid cheater brought home all the hotel invoices and left them lying about. Including the one that she didn’t sign, but he did. Thanks babe. ;-* I kept those incase I needed them, legally.

    • That is mind blowing. It seems to me that cheaters are slightly more male than female but the female ones seem to go wildly off a cliff while some of the guys work harder to maintain equilibrium (and cake).

      I didn’t find hotel receipts until he was dead.

  • She was going on a business trip.

    Me: “Why is your suitcase packed with lingerie?”
    Her: “I like to dress up by myself in my hotel room.”
    Me: Stare. Jaw dropped.
    Her, angrily: “See? This is why I need you to trust me. It won’t work if you don’t trust me.”
    Me: Stare. Jaw dropped.

    • I asked him why the new underwear and fitness kick ‘for you’ was his reply! Cool as a cucumber.
      Geez I was naive.

      • The Limited modeled his boxers after we went clothes shopping and asked how they looked. It was to impress the whore.

        Now I laugh to think they covered the itty bitty dick that wishes it could.

      • Too funny, new underwear purchased by my partner who had never purchased new underwear in the 7 years I knew him, along with his new diet regime , was one of the red flags for me.

      • Ahhhh, manscaping. Literally, I said, “Are you having an affair?” And the response was, “I just want to look good for you.”

        Um, ok.

          • Oh lord. They all manscape. It’s ridiculous. When I found out and kicked him out of the house, I was packing up all his stuff and ran across some absurd underwear in the back of his drawer. I left it on the top of his folded clothes on the dining room table. Never said a word. Wish I had taken a picture. The idiot was trying anything to look bigger.

            He did rage at me for washing and folding the clothes and blankets he was taking and leaving them for him in the dining room. (I had so much angry energy I was keeping myself busy – the house was never so clean!) He said it “made him feel like I wanted him out of the house.” Ya think? What a moron

            • LOL

              I suspect Mme YogaPants did something similar. About a month or so before she moved out a new set of lady razors that included clippers showed up in the bathroom. I actually have no idea how that sort of stuff is done but I presume it is all awkward, uncomfortable and itches. I Some of the bits and parts are kind of hard to reach I would imagine as well. I do know that she had mentioned to me years ago how it was absolutely completely something that she would never do. Personally (TMI I know) I preferred the fuzzy look – never saw the appeal in being with someone who looked like a pre-teen (ewww).

              Presumably she did this as part of her own “pick-me” dancing for Senor Moneybags. She used to be happy I know when autumn came and she could start resembling a sasquatch. Ah well – she’s not my “monkey” 😀 any more.

              For me – sign me up as not interested. I don’t take my shirt off during spring bear-hunting season for a very good reason. It helps me keep the thermostat low as well. As far as making the “junk” look fancy – I would hope that anyone who is interested in me has other interests.

              • Thank you so much for acknowledging the disturbing wish some have for adult women to look like children. Glad you are rid of her!

        • Hannibal Lecher even manscaped his chest, despite my protests that I didn’t like the look and that it was prickly. Perhaps it’s a prerequisite for Craigslist hookups?

          • High school classmate who dumped her narc husband ( he married a third time to a woman young enough to be his daughter) was disturbed by his sudden need to die his chest hair !

      • I caught my ex doing push-ups in our smallish bathroom. The shower was running, so I thought he was in the shower and I was just going to go in the bathroom for something (very common of a thing for us to do to each other). I opened the door and the door banged into him. I later asked him why he was hiding doing push-ups and then my intuition/red flag alert reminded me of how he worked on his appearance when he had an affair when I was pregnant. The cheater said to me, “I’m doing it for you!!”

        My ex bit his nails our entire marriage. Mostly when he was nervous. He stopped biting his nails and even asked me where the clippers were to trim his nails. He started this at the same time he found out his whore was getting a divorce. I saw it at the time and it rung up as a red flag moment and sure enough! He was getting ready for an another affair!

    • Had the same conversation. However, mine also said “now you are trying to control what I wear? This is how you push me away.”

      • Wow, Chumpman, they really do work from a limited script, don’t they. And each line has a premise: “Remember: Your spouse is incredibly stupid and gullible, so feel free to make the most outrageously childish and transparent lies.”

        • David2016, Our family and OM family stayed at the same condo unit for spring break. We didn’t know each other. After I found out, stbx claimed it was a coincidence. Out of 1 billion condos in Florida, that sure is a coincidence.

          • My ex said taking their sabbaticals together was a coincidence (both professors) and how could I even dare suggest he would plan that with her? I’m such a meanie. I guess the 12 trips that they took together for “research” or “conferences” were also coincidences. Lord he thinks I’m such an idiot. I just let him think it. It often works to my advantage.

      • Yes, the “you’re trying to control me just pushes me away further” mantra! The trouble is, it is so gaslighting because us chumps understand how that is not good. In my personal experience though, that was always used to cover dark intentions.

    • Yes, “it,” meaning the con job, won’t work if we don’t trust them.

      Sometimes they tell us the truth but we don’t get it.

    • I was like you, so stunned at the nonsense during our marriage I often had no words to even respond. Or I walked away thinking wtf just happened? Now when I even bother to respond (which is rare) my default is, “You’re an idiot” in a calm and cool manner to drive home the “you can’t get to me anymore asshole” attitude I have now. Short and simple and totally true. AND it makes him absolutely crazy. His PhD is his badge of glory and having a meager Masters level peon treat him like the moron he is is just too much for his ego to handle. I love it.

  • My X denied that he was having an affair with someone, but admitted he had gone to see her (drove across the whole country – 10 hours). Admitted it only because I knew it anyway, this was how I discovered he cheated on me with her. – What did you drive there for, if you did not have a relation with her? – To tell her that he could not come… – So why did you have to drive there to tell her? Because he felt he owed it to her, to tell her in person… – But why would she care about that, if you were not having a relation? – Uh – hm – uh….dumb stare out of window, looking for inspiration, but finding none. – So you drove there ten hours and you want me to believe that it was because you would tell her you could not come to see her??? When you actually went there? And then I suppose you went straight away back after telling her this? – I might have stayed the night… In a separate bedroom! – Yeeeees, that makes sense…

    • Hahaha, cheater “logic”!! It’s a kick, isn’t it!! I caught mine evading taxes to finance his affair with call girl AP. Then was able to bust him when an IRS document got mailed to our house saying he’d bought her a $26,000 car in cash. His excuse? The $26K wasn’t HIS money, it was HERS: he was just helping a “friend” without a bank account with a purchase. (I guess he’d prefer money laundering to dissipation charges in court?)

    • My STBX has a sweetie in another state. He’s a truck driver and she dispatched him on loads. While out on a trip STBX’s brother passed away. Brother’s family didn’t have the money for cremation. So we had to pay for it, which I didn’t mind. But my STBX didn’t appreciate anything i did for home.. drawing the money out if savings, working late and calling him to be sure he was ok. After I found out about his “sweetie”. He told me the only thing he could remember was HER calling him and when he made it home he told her “I love you so much for getting me home”. Me, I didn’t get a “thank you” much less a “I love you”.
      What I wonder is when does the pain go away from all the lies and betrayal?

      • It does slowly, but eventually does. I know it seems like forever and a day, but it will.
        ((((Hugs))))

  • I kicked cheater ex out a couple of weeks before a long weekend we always spent at my sister’s place on the lake. (He agreed readily to go, then it took months to get him out, but that’s another story…). Told him he should use the long weekend to find a place to move to, should be easy.

    He looked surprised and said, ‘I thought we’d go to the lake together, like always!’.

    I reminded him that my brother-in-law has lots of guns, and that right now cheater looked a lot like a wild turkey ,,,,

  • During fake-R I told my now ex, “you were the last person I ever thought would cheat. My friends and I were discussing it and I said, ‘oh no, not my husband, never, never.’ “ His reaction? He was insulted that I didn’t think he was man enough or virile enough or some stupid shit. Facepalm.

  • On DDay we were due to leave in 2 days time for a 2 week driving holiday around New Zealand. He says, “I’m going to stay at XXX’s house, and I’ll move back in here whilst you’re in NZ, and I’ll pack up and be gone by your return.”
    I sat there dumbfounded and eventually said “WTF?! I’m not going to NZ. Do you think I’m gonna drive around for 2 weeks by myself on what was supposed to be our joint holiday?”

    The latest is that we are trying to do a property settlement. But he is completely hiding from me and avoids replying to emails. So I put a reply date on the latest one and then the day after he missed the due date emailed and txt’d – the excuse: he doesn’t have regular access to the internet. WTF? He replied to me on a samsung phone! In my city, the council provides free internet across the city centre, and every bus has free internet, every library, shopping centre, cafes, McDonalds. How does he work without internet? And he somehow can’t attach his financial records to his emails. He has lost the ability to attach documents to an email!

    • Oooh, poor thing! Maybe he fell and hit his head really hard at some point? ‘Cause he’s clearly lost a LOT of IQ points!

    • If you can, hire an attorney to handle this shit. It can make you completely bonkers. The longer he has, the more he will try to hide finances if he’s anything like my ex. Good luck!!!! I made lots of legal mistakes and hope others can avoid them!

      • yes – it is tempting to hand over – he did finally hand it over and he has more than I thought – so i am more comfortable that i will get it sorted OK.

  • I’d pulled the pin, moved to another bedroom, and asked him to start looking for a place of his own. Things were fairly amicable but he was solemn and pouty. One day we were sitting on the couch calmly discussing selling the house and dividing our assets and he says to me “we’re going to be one of those (couples) [?I don’t remember exact wording] that never see each other [or talk – again exact words] but get together once or twice a year just for sex”. You get the point, without exact wording. Basically he assumed he was so irresistible that I’d be willing to downgrade our relationship – and my exact response was just that: I’m not looking to downgrade from wife to skanky whore AP.

    • Oh yes, this!!!
      I was trying to pick from the amass of stupid shit The Evil One has done…then I read your post…
      Early after I found out about OWhore, he actually suggested to me (and I quote):
      “Even if we are both serious with someone else, I want us to still get together and have fun”.
      My response was similar to yours:
      I will never be a back door whore, nor ever be someone’s side piece, unlike what she’s willing to be.
      He didn’t like that, at all.
      Ugh. The very idea that I would ever go back to *that*. Retch.

  • I think the most stupid thing my cheater assnoodle did is dump me for OW and I’m trying to convince myself that this is the best revenge and karma will fuck his pimply ass.

    I am a mixed-race woman, I’ve been through difficulties in my family which have taught me resilience, empathy and kindness, I am accomplished professionally and run community projects and I have a wealth of love and kindness to give as I demonstrated when I was in a relationship (?) with this fuckwit. I would literally do everything (in an LDR, I would not only FLY to see him every single month, but also organise the dates and outings in HIS country because he couldn’t be arsed) and I supported him during his very, very difficult moment (at the cost of my own health, finance and career).

    OW looks like an Eastern European mail order bride who wears cheap and tacky clothes, is unnaturally slim with unnaturally big boobs, and left him in deep shit during his difficult time. Not to mention her moral compass is broken. He broke up with her to be with me, and she apparently didn’t take it well but she wasn’t doing much to help him either. She bid his time and once he found a stable well-paying job, she made her move.

    I’m not typing this out of vanity but more to convince myself rather than anyone else. My self-confidence, already in tatters due to the aforementioned family events, took a fatal blow when D-Day happened and the scope of the cheating was revealed. (D-Day happened when we were holidaying in the Caribbean – a VERY expensive trip for me but I naively thought it was worth it and that in an LDR such efforts count. We were attending his friend’s wedding. He had started sexting his ex with all earnestness a month before that… and been in a touch in a ‘more than just friends’ way for a year, unbeknownst to me. He had neglected to tell me this or to prevent me from spending FUCKLOADS of money on that holiday…probably he was too worried about answering the questioning stares of his friends or maybe he was embarrassed to present his new toy that looked like a Barbie doll with manicured claws instead of a professional woman).

    This guy kept bawling and saying he cared for me (I was haemorrhaging and running a fever from the shock) but also things like:
    – I like you but I like her too
    – I can’t decide
    – I don’t know who I would choose if I needed support (nevermind that I made HUGE sacrifices for him while she left him in a sorry state when I found him)
    – I didn’t mean for you to find out like this (how then, did you mean for me to find out in a non-painful, non-explosive way? What world do you live in?)
    – We fought all the time (erm, thanks for invalidating ALL the efforts I made to make you happy and for LDR to work!)
    – It was easier to flirt with her because she spoke the same language as him.
    – She made him happy.

    I think stupidity is when he thought the honeymoon period would last…. (but trust me Chumps, I am fighting doubts. Maybe she did make him very happy as they got along for a whole year… 🙁 )

    The coup de grace was when I told him to walk the talk if he cared that much and he made a show of telling OW that he was stopping all contact with her so he could repair his relationship with me… I believed him.

    A week later he flew to her country to see her.

    He had the audacity to tell me he meant his promise… because he didn’t contact her for while. Didn’t know promises were conditional.

    Fucking retard.

    To all the women here who are affirming themselves in the face of this horrible situation, who are giving each other support, and who are rebuilding their hearts and souls and lives, just know that you are an inspiration. You give me hope that sisterhood exists, that women are strong. This belief almost got shattered when I encountered OW (like, who would inflict such pain on another woman???) but you all here, you’re amazing.

    • I know exactly what you mean when you say you can’t believe someone would inflict this kind of pain on another woman. My OW is divorced because her husband cheated on her! She says she knows what pain I am feeling, yet she sent me pictures of them together. long emails telling me what a bad wife I am, and texts explicitly describing their sexual acts. Additionally- what kind of man would want to be with a woman who treats other women this way?!

      • I’m sorry to hear that,Susan. Must be torture. But I promised myself I would never Cause so much pain to someone else. I can’t believe how morally deficient the OW in your case must be… As for the guy, I loved mine with all my heart and kept flaunting him as an “honest man”. He would rub it in my face that he had a stable family while mine wasn’t (divorced abusive parents). Yet, he opted to dishonour our relationship, not me. My only explanation for why guys want to be with women like that is (a) they want it easy and those women don’t impose moral boundaries on them (b) they are currently experiencing the giddiness and butterflies of being with someone else in a prolonged honeymoon period. They feel they are invincible and haven’t seen the negatives yet… Or they feel rules and karma don’t apply to them. Keep strong sister ! You’re a class above.

      • I tend to be suspect when the OW claims that her husband cheated on her too……in fact I flat out do not buy it. How many times do cheaters claim that they were cheated on first? Nothing more than a pathetic attempt to play victim.

        • I agree. It’s not normal. But when DDay happened and I sent OW a message to tell her to steer clear of my man (after he made a show of telling OW he was ending it with her and promising me not to speak with her) . She of course ignored him and was messaging him as early as the next day, casting me as a “horrible woman” and playing the victim. Really? The nerve!

        • Skankenstein/Wifetress’ first H was married when she started to date him. Then, after they married, she said he cheated on her and she divorced him. Then, she starts up with my H of 17 years. Why the fuck would you want another cheater? My IC said it has something to do with Daddy Issues. They want to “win Daddy back”. Ultimately, these are very pathetic, desperate, and disordered beings doing pathetic, desperate, and disordered things. I go through great lengths to avoid cheaters. Then again, I’m not pathetic, desperate, and disordered.

      • “My OW is divorced because her husband cheated on her! ” Hmm you sure about that? Methinks that is total bullshit

        • Or true, because even disordered assholes can be cheated on, since they sometimes they mate up w/each other.

          The difference is, they learn nothing from the experience.

    • Yessssssss, this.
      The OW was “cheated on herself”
      I have yet to be introduced to the OWhore, now-Mrs. Dumb-Ass. I do, however, have a lot of information about her from a mutual friend of mine that knows her family.
      The story goes that she was dumped the day after baby #2 was born for a Hooters girl her then-husband had met in the Philippines (or from the Philippines, whichever).
      When said baby was about 2, she began dating my then-husband.

      Yeah.

    • Santa, hang in there. It is a compliment to you that it didn’t work. Truly! You seem to have a soul and that’s never compatible with these alien jerks. ALL of the people I’ve known who have been cheated on have been so kind and really good people. The cheater has ALWAYS downgraded. Think of Prince Charles. Camilla over Di? Idiot. Having the cheaters get together is the sweetest revenge. You think there’s a snowball’s chance in hell they will be faithful to each other? Not a chance.

  • When I discovered that he had set up payroll for his side business for the first time since he started it (that would be in the year 2000). He “hired” his girlfriend so he could funnel the income through her for the sole purpose of hoping to reduce his child support payment. The business income dropped about $40k from what he normally averages and he actually filed his 2016 taxes with a loss.

    Ummm…screwing me over is one thing. Screwing over your children allowed me to clearly see that the bad character ran all the way through him. No more spackling that he was just unhappy or confused.

  • My arsewipe told me he couldn’t leave his very young ‘soulmate’ as he didn’t want to let her down and she was so pretty!!
    True love obviously- never mind he let me down after 25 years or his 2 daughters and newborn grandson

    • I got those same words. “But she [the babysitter who was also having an affair with the 80 yr old neighbor] would be devastated if I didn’t leave you for her. She’d be so sad.” To his wife of 20 years and mother of two young children who stuck with him through the diagnosis of a degenerative disease.

  • Confrontation night, it was clear he didn’t see it coming at all. After I told him point blank that if he wanted to end our (14 year) marriage to just say the word “yes”. He said “No”. As he sat in the den dumbfounded, I left the room and sent a text to the phone number that I discovered had been plastered all over the phone bill for the last 5 months. “This is ’s wife of 14 years….”

    Next morning he left to “go to the gym”. About 2 hours later I got a text back from schmoopie. She apologized, said she had no idea he was married. Said she told him she never wanted to see him again.

    Shortly after that douchebag came home in a rage, furious that I had contacted his “friend” and violated his privacy. It was at this exact moment that the pick me dance (of 12 hours) ended because I knew I had nothing to work with, he was a cheating low-life waste of oxygen. I got him out and got divorced ASAP.

    • Got outrage from him when I emailed her and her husband, none of my business apparently! Gob smacked to say the least and yah just thought ‘who the fuck are you’

      • I too contacted the ex’s AP. Believe it or not, the AP offered to be a mediator in our situation! They were having an affair for 8 months and this guy was going to help me by mediating! I actually asked if he was serious and he was! He was concerned about the children and their parents divorcing. But he also told me “he had never had such a connection to someone like my wife and asked if we could possibly work something out”. I am not kidding. I was so stunned I didn’t know what to say so just said I would have to think about it. Yeah, I thought about it and filed for divorce.

        • Unbelievable!!! I read your post, scrolled down to keep reading, and was compelled to come back and reply. Shaking my head… Un-freaking-believable. These entitled idiots are delusional as well… living in their own world.

        • I got no reply from either slut face or her husband. I think the husband was ok with his wife skanking around!
          She shut down her f book etc as she was ‘scared of me’ I made no further contact, not wasting my energy on that sad bitch. Google plus tag line ‘Life’s too short to be unhappy’
          Deep as bird baths a the two of them!

    • Really! You violated his privacy? Just wow…what an arrogant entitled POS!
      What a horrible chump you are…doing such a monumentally egregious thing as exposing his unequal relationship to his unknowing AP.
      You did such a horrible rotten thing to poor little husband…after all he just lied a little, cheated a little, exposed an unknowing (at least 2 women) partner to STI’s a little, destroyed his partner’s emotional and social support a little, wasted at least 2 people’s time and energy a little…
      So glad you lost this tool!

      • Oh yea-What is it with the “you violated my privacy” thing-unoriginal assholes!!

        On D-Day I was at cheater’s parent’s house with our son & his family waiting for him to show up for HIS father’s birthday party & he was late……supposedly golfing. He called me & told me he was dropping off his friend and would be there soon. My “spidey senses” were on full alert & I hit the Find my iPhone app-lo and behold he was down the street from where we were at a strip mall. I thought he was at the bar there but when I drove over there it turns out he was at the Asian hooker palace with his ridiculous mercedes (with personalized plates) parked right in front!! I parked behind his car & waited for him to come out.

        First he tried to play it cool but I wasn’t having it. Once I showed him the ads for the place on Back Page that I had pulled up while I was waiting for him he started screaming at me that I had violated HIS privacy! The nerve! I told him that I thought our marriage was private….of course no response for that. Then he told me that I couldn’t make him talk, I agreed but told him I could make him single.

        There was no going back after that-we were done. I had never used Find my iPhone on him before but its amazing how strong the voice inside is if you listen. Our phones had been linked with the same passcodes before D-Day but after he disconnected our iPhone links and changed all passcodes on his stuff because I couldn’t be trusted with HIS privacy dontcha know!!

        Disordered fucker-
        So glad he’s gone & I’m free

    • Yep, rage. Got that too.
      Mutual friend contacted me, told me all about the OWhore…
      Get this — OWhore’s mom went through my Facebook page, found a mutual friend she and I have and contacted her. My friend exposed The Evil One’s lies, her mom called OWhore, and she then called TEO who then flew over to my house and blew up on me in front of our Autistic daughter, upsetting her.
      Never once ever tried to comfort or console her,. instead he screamed at me, WHY WON’T YOU LET ME BE HAPPY?!
      He then accused me of “setting [him] up” with OWhore.
      This is why I call her Mrs. Dumb-Ass —
      After finding out all the facts and learning what a liar he is, she not only continued to date him, she married him five months later.

  • I’m still processing the original poster’s dude at WalMart at 11pm with the Britney Spears cake and cupcakes for his grown-ass OW Hooore. Damn. The lovebombing phase is really so effed up— it’s the only time narcs know how to get someone a decent gift, then they suddenly lose that ability! 😂 And also, just wow, the sheer amazing coincidence of them both being at the same checkout at the same odd hour in order for Discovery to happen. It’s like God put them all there at that moment in order to show her, in very clear & unmistakeable terms, the evil nature of her husband.

    My cheater STBXH left me, but I never got an official DDay, yet in hindsight all the cheating signs were there. Three weeks before he walked out, he planned a last-minute family weekend road trip to the beach, and booked a non-refundable hotel. I had been complaining to him about him ditching the kids and me repeatedly to spend so much of his free time with his coworker, who was clearly the AP. Turns out the AP’s Family was booked at the same hotel that same weekend, and my STBXH let me know, and said the AP’s spouse was trying to change the reservation because they knew I was uncomfortable (!!!). So I said, bluffing, “Hey, since the three of you have been discussing my discomfort behind my back instead of just you (my husband) asking me how I felt about it and wanted to handle it first, how could I possibly go on the trip now and spend any time with you all?” I backed out and told him to go without me, and …. he did. He actually went on the trip, which he wanted to do all along with his AP. He then instructed my then-9-year-old child to lie about going snorkeling with the AP. (This was actually great evidence in my divorce, which he filed for less than a month later.)

    Whether it’s Britney Spears cakes (and the cupcakes to match!) or fake coincidental beach trips with the AP’s family, trust that they all suck and are weird freakazoids from hell masquerading as normal human beings.

    • I prayed for wisdom and vision in the days leading up to D-day. I prayed that God would send me messages like this! I pleaded for something bold and harsh… I needed a good kick in the teeth, a frying pan to the head, to truly understand the situation, so I could understand the futility of trying to work anything out. Standing in line behind my cheater at Walmart, while he purchases a Brittney Spears cake for his ho? Certainly fits the bill.

      • Journey – I agree. I needed and wanted something to hit me between the eyes to PROVE he was having an affair. I swore he wasn’t, so I over-looked so many red flags that it would cover the Red Sea. And, he got bolder, more confident. And, it seems I got stupider and stupider. Explaining away his absences, believing in his business stories, his fishing-buddies-story in Alaska (he doesn’t know how to fish); not to mention how convenient his affair was to carry on in front of me! She and her husband were great friends and we traveled continually on weekends to dog shows. Finally, a friend told me about Find My iPad…and 35 yrs was over just like that! Also, I found proof in a pair of her panties in the bottom quilts in our bed. That little bit of proof totally congealed it in my head. War began. Now I’m Meh 🙂

      • I, too, one night stayed up for hours praying for truth since I couldn’t get it from my husband.

        Within a day, I get a message through my Facebook from an OW of his.
        She and I were.in contact for about a week and she was very helpful for me in gathering evidence of his cheating, but also his narrative.

  • He was home for the day…supposed to be watching our toddler girls.

    So that he could show her his “art gallery” he left our two girls strapped into their car seats on a 91 degree day with no ventilation while the car was parked in sunlight.

    Three complete strangers broke my children out.

    In the bizarre world of 50/50 family court, my divorce was finished 5 months later with me getting 70% physical. That was 6 years ago.

    I’m so very grateful I’m no longer married to him

    • There is no justice. He should have went to jail and been permitted only supervised visits with your children. So many children are being harmed by this 50/50 mania the courts have.

    • That is awful.
      What a piece of shit.
      Six years later, what’s the visitation like now? Is he Disney-dad, or ghost-dad

      • He is both. He still has 30 % so he sees them 2 days a week and then one weekend a month. But he doesn’t do much. Like tonight I’m,going to pick them up to do science fair projects.

        He is remarried and has a new son so like most narcs he is very focused on the new sparkle thing.

  • I had asked to use his laptop to access the family email account. Asshole worked from home. He said, “Sure!”. I came across a San Jose escort site and image of a sex worker with her bio, etc… Asshole had just returned from San Jose.

    I was frozen with terror anger and grief. This was before I learned of the California MOW. I asked him if he was having an affair because in my moral code, fucking sex workers IS an offense against a marriage. He said, “NO! But I will if__________(inset bullshit ), ANC!!!!”

    Chumpy me I chose to believe because the reality was too painful to process. I jumped through bigger, firey hoops for another couple of years while the mindfuck continued. MOW and he had hired a 3rd party for extra kink that week…

    You know, that was a stupid Chump Moment.

    His stupidity has no boundaries. When I did bust him with the MOW, I asked if he used protection. He said, “No. She’s ‘clean’.” BUT she does have herpes, swings with her spouse and has many fuckbuddies. Hey…. I guess none of that was relevant ESPECIALLY if your wife was nursing infants during their early romance. And that doesn’t even take into consideration the howorker or client he was fucking during this time tooo. ‘Clean’ .

  • There were a thousand little cuts, but the one that actually made me LAUGH was when he joined a co-ed softball team with a bunch of 20/30 year olds (he was 46) and the name of the team was CLEATS and CLEAVAGE.

    You seriously can’t make this shit up.

  • When my cat died in the middle of the discard and he sent a text (no phone call, no visit) saying essentially that she was OK as far as cats go.

  • Pre-blow-up: On NYs Eve, after eating and playing a few games with our daughters, I was in our bedroom on my computer when I heard KK run upstairs to elder daughter’s room. Her iPad (synced to her phone) was “dinging” constantly, so I opened it and saw she was sexting somebody. When she finally came downstairs, she came over and started snuggling with me, and I asked her “what were you doing in E’s room all this time?” She replied: “well, it was weird — I was filling out a grocery delivery order online and I suddenly had a panic attack. I didn’t want to disturb anyone so I went upstairs to calm down.” I said: “KK — what were you doing upstairs?” Silent pause, then: “See? THIS is why we’re having problems!…” and she stormed out of the room.

    Post-blow-up: After I said “Enough!” and told her I was making the decision for both of us, she sat there in shock, then went to her drawer, took out a price of paper and tried handing it to me: “It’s your Valentine’s Day present. Tickets to Stephen Colbert’s show.” 3.5 months of mindfucking, gaslighting, blameshifting, deception, disrespect, and jeopardizing my health, safety and well being, and she was incredulous that I would not accept her fucking V-Day present (the fact that she was intending to give me one was proof that she was perfectly happy continuing all of the above). After I suggested what she could do with her fucking present, she said: “Well, I can’t use them — the person who’s name is on them has to be there.”

  • Twelve years ago (prior to learning of ex’s cheating) I spent almost a whole day at my parent’s house, helping my Father and sister prepare everything for my Mother’s return from hospital. There were items to be purchased and a bedroom to be organised so my Mum could die at home. When I got home ex was extremely annoyed that I had been gone for so long, although he knew exactly what I was doing and why. Unfortunately Mum’s health deteriorated that evening and she never made it home. Although I had long suspected it, after that day, I knew, without a doubt, that ex was incapable of any genuine feeling or empathy for me or anybody else. Wish I had kicked him out then instead of wasting another 7 years of my life.

    • My heart goes out to you ❤ at that point in time, when you are reeling with loss it’s natural to want to seek comfort in familiarity and to avoid more loss. My ex boyfriend explained his rationale for cheating. Among other things, he couldn’t support me after my mum’s death. He found it too much. So when his ex aka OW got back in touch with him, offering smiles, naked pictures of herself and an easy ride, he took it. I struggled to understand this as I had been brought up in a religious setting where helping others in their time of need is encouraged. When he was doing his PhD he could barely function. So I stepped in (I didn’t know he was still dating the OW, what woman would leave her man in such a sorry state? But turns out she did, and he dumped her when I entered the picture, she shed some tears etc as he told me) and accompanied him to the end of the PhD journey. Like, literally supporting him. I expected at least some courtesy. But no. He was incapable of it. I was grieving for my parent and he was jerking off to some woman’s sexts.

      I have thus come to a realisation. We are better off without then because what value will they add to our lives? Unfailing support in our difficult times? We’ve faced the worst thing ever – death of a loved parent – without their help and in fact, in spite of their callousness. Truth and respect as the foundation to friendship ? Erm, yeah right. Gestures, big or small? They failed to come through and the worst is behind us anyway. So no they have nothing to offer us. Big hugs to you.

      • You are absolutely right—we are better off without them. I thought mine would be happy I told him to go elsewhere (read: Chickypoo hooker’s) for Thanksgiving dinner. After all, on holidays for years he’d spend the absolute minimum time with the family before heading out to the “office” to “see patients” (and brag about his work ethic for working holidays). But noooo — he’s been hanging around like a sad sack all weekend (at least he did get his ass out of the house during the dinner, which was the most fun Thanksgiving meal the kids and I have had for years). I wonder if Chickypoo is maybe a bit less generous with her time these days, now that she’s stuck with Sugar Daddy all to herself?

  • Ah, that moment when you realize that this person you have been grieving over is really an epic assclown. When you feel that wave of gratefulness knowing that he is now someone else’s problem. That day when it really hits you that you have been fighting over a turd. For all the chumps who are struggling, that moment is right around the corner and it’s awesome.

  • DD#1 some ten years ago, she left her email open on the laptop. Thats how I found out about OM #1.

    Post divorce decision this summer, but pre D-Day (well… Dday I guess) STBX switch phones/carriers and was without mobile phone for a few days. When it was my turn to “nest” at the house with the kids, I checked the land-line for its history of calls.

    There was AP’s (OM#2) number.

    She was SO close to getting away with it all.
    If she only learned to erased…..

  • So, this relates to how I caught my STBXW – I found an e-mail from her to feldman about core CHRISTIAN values. I just imagine somewhere – Jesus is by the pearly gates, violently throwing up in the bushes while satan is holding his hair saying – “I’m sorry, I didn’t think she was THAT stupid”. Swapping documents about core christian values with the man you are cheating on your husband with – facepalm.

    • Jesus Cheaters. The pinnacle of hypocrisy.

      MOW would send Asshat porn links and scripture. Sometimes in the same message. These are seriously fucked up people.

      • Porn links and scripture…..

        Just killing me. I might have to suggest this to my x. New bible study topic for his congregation?!?!

        Especially since he was using his teenaged daughter’s lap top to view porn while she was away visiting her friends. Thank God I found it first.

        Let him know I found it five minutes before the 11 am Sunday service. Fun to watch him squirm a bit in the pulpit ( waited for him to burst into flames – no such luck )!

        • You know, Mr. Twatwaffles went to a Baptist high school and his mom and Dad cheated on each other, his mom with a man who eventually became a Baptist preacher. Mr. T said that while he was growing up, his step dad would get a preaching post, and then keep it for awhile until the people who hired him found out he was divorced and remarried, then they’d get kicked out.

          But my ex has never played th Jesus cheater card. The first ex husband did that. He wasn’t a cheater, he was a beater. And I ran the gamut of being the evil non submissive wife with him.

          I never thought it too much to ask the universe for man who was decent, but I seem to be an asshole magnet.

  • Ooh! So many stupid things to share…this current one is my fave. My XH (moved out 11months ago) Mr. Asshat still hasn’t taken my email off of his cell account. The last 4 months I’ve gotten his email notice that he has used ALL of his cell data about half-way through the month. I guess he can’t quit the porn or escort sites. I guess his current live-in Hoho can’t meet all of his needs. He’s so repeating the same pattern of behavior. Glad he’s not my problem. Just wish I didn’t have to do damage control from the shit my girls deal with when they’re with him & Hoho.

  • Me: We really need to focus on our marriage. It’s falling apart. We need to spend time working on it, every day. You can’t leave at 530 and get home at dinner and work at night ever day.
    Him: I’m not jeopardizing my job.

    Note: he’s a director. Wouldn’t be jeopardizing anything.

    We were deep in counseling — useful counseling with a good counselor. I think I knew we were getting divorced by then, but that was the moment it clicked.

    • What a trigger.

      I had suggested we read the 7 Love Lang together while we were on a couple’s romantic vacation. This was way before I knew of any of the serial cheating and during his lovefest with the MOW.

      I served asshat a double helping of triple chocolate cake with ganache layers. D’oh!!

      • Oh I took the test with xh while we were “working on our marriage” we had different languages… So instead of saying “great this is how we can better understand each other…” He said that is proof that we are just not “compatible”.. Asshole!

          • Just before leaving on a 2 wk annual vacation with my family reunion in Cda and visiting his family on the way back in MT, I was anxious to know why he was refusing to go with me. So, I called a ‘silly’ -family meeting- we don’t have kids, just dogs. And, he’d never missed this trip before. He said he had to work. (he’s been working a long time, makes good money and needs to retire)

            Me: So, between your work….your ‘mistress’ (I meant that as a joke as in his work was his literal mistress) – again, didn’t know anything – Which is more important? Your work or your family, and I swept my arm around our entire house, dogs and also meant our extended family??

            -he thinks for a brief moment-

            And says: My business.

            I say: End of meeting and went on the trip by myself and all the family I met up, including his own, must have known what he was up to.

            Being clueless, that was probably the most vivid moment I realized he had left the marriage. And, boy – did he and her whoop it up while I was gone! She moved right in for 2 weeks.

  • Mine is just a tiny thing he said but it’s the one thing that stuck. Just after I had found out that he had been cheating for five years with at least three fairly long term girlfriends, I was trying to just imagine how a person would manage the details of such a life, trying to process the levels of deceit necessary and I asked him if he had ever been with them when he FaceTimed with me as we did every day. He looked at me with astonishment and said ‘well if they were there I would walk off a little way’ in an offended voice as if he may be a serial liar and cheat but he’s not a monster. When it came to knowing the etiquette of cheating with honour he was your man. 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

    • Figuring out that cheater sexted and texted the whore during holidays, at restaurants, often while sitting right next to either me or the kids was a big smh moment. They have zero shame.

  • Ok – I’ve got to chime in on this one and hopefully make people both cringe and smile.

    The reason for me referring to Mme YogaPants as such was her choice to start wearing those garments regularly when she went for her “walks” to see her fella. Now to set the stage Mme was at the time a 50 (now 52) year old woman who is 4’11” and weighed in at about 170 lbs when she started her affair. “Curvy” shall we say. I didn’t care, even when she was closer to 200 lbs but that’s just chumpy old me.

    As many women will know one of the keys to looking trim over time is a good foundation garment and Mme would have her yoga pants and a similarly tight top that shoved the curves into position. Yes, she did walk sometimes for exercise and while she was doing her own variation of “pick me” for her fella she did drop some weight getting down to 160 lbs at one point.

    Even though I suspected an affair I couldn’t imagine her going out in any sort of public dressed like that. Again, chumpy old me didn’t think that perhaps there was no “public” involved. This was a woman who had a lot of body image issues and historically wore baggy clothes.

    The laugh was after DDay when she was still living at home and we were playing the “everything’s normal” game and decided to go to that mecca of fashion and respectability, the local Walmart, to pick up something or other that I can’t remember. I was walking with her as we went in and noticed that she was still wearing the infamous pants with a big floppy sweatshirt on over top. I also noticed that she was exhibiting a prominent – ahem – camel toe. About 20 feet from the door she realized how she was dressed and tried in vain to pull her sweatshirt down past crotch level.

    That was one of the shortest visits ever to that store and I did feel that the Karma Bus had done a quick drive-by.

    The second story was a few weeks before she moved out. It was summertime and by this point I’d lost about 40lbs due to the depression and stress. I had mentioned this to her as the cause of the weight loss and being completely oblivious, she had congratulated me on losing the weight. I suspect she hadn’t noticed before I told her – she had her head so deeply up someone’s ass. On this particular warm summer day she decided to complain that she had also lost her appetite through depression – as she was walking away eating a large double-scoop ice cream cone.

    Sigh.

    Well – I hope I made people smile. Since being a Chump is a hard habit to kick, she still has some things to pick up from the house after being gone for about 18 months now. Supposedly she’s arranged with my son (who lives with me) to come by the house and pick up the last remaining things next week. Most of it is the exercise equipment that she would buy and then never use. A neighbour (who had eyes on the treadmill) had joked to me once that it looked like she really needs it. I believe that most of the weight she lost during her own “pick me” dancing came back on rather quickly once she “won” and got her fella. No clue if they are still a thing or not – but indications are that her dreams of moving in to his nice house, with his very nice retirement income, and the very nice large insurance settlement from his dead wife (yes you read that right – she bragged to friends about it) have not as yet come true and she lives at least a good part of the time in what she calls her “tiny apartment”.

    Happy Friday!

    BT

    • Good grief.
      A camel toe in yoga pants!? LOL
      Sounds like my exh— shows up wearing DILLIGAF shirts his SIL made for him puffing in a vape – he’s 39…
      Or, him showing up wearing t-shirts too short for him and his dick-doo showing.
      A “dick-doo” is redneck for his stomach sticks out more than his dick does.
      Put that image in your brain…ew
      Happy Friday!

  • I remember finding the emails from EX to OW and one of them was so beautiful about how she was the woman of his dreams, sexy sensual and a wonderful mother to her children. (He loved to accuse me of being a horrible mother). That was DDay and I was heartbroken and he had the nerve to look and me and say well I thought I was losing her so I thought of you and wrote that email…..

  • During our one and only DDay, he was trying to appease me, telling me that his affair did not mean anything because he felt I was like the island he could always come back to. I never felt so objectified, he was talking about me like I was a convenient thing in his life. I kept thinking, “and that is you talking to me, your wife, and mother of your only child (that I know of)? This is you, trying to appease your spouse, the one that propped up your life and career for over a decade?”

    That is the day I realized I had married a fronter-in-chief, someone with a mind-boggling duplicitous nature that I needed to get away from.

    He did everything to slow down the divorce while importing his mistress from out of town three months after our separation (cake anyone?)… But the ultimate proof came when he married her two months after our divorce, and their union is so special he proceeded to hide it from his own child for over a year…

    His actions since DDay only confirmed that I had nothing to work with, and that gray rock is really the only way to deal with his duplicity for the sake of our kiddo.

    • my ex STILL hasnt’t told his kids he’s remarried (to his last AP), and they’ve been married for over 6 years. Of course, my kids know, because they’ve resumed a relationship with him, but HE NEVER told them. Who does that? I had to tell them when I found out from one of our mutual friends, who thought I already knew. I hate the fact that my kids have such a pathetic excuse for a human being as a stepmother, not to mention a mentally deranged and completely self-focused father. You always want to protect your kids from those kinds of dysfunctional people….my kids are young adults now, but it still grates on me.

    • Yep, they’ve been married two years now, I’ve yet to be formally introduced to her.
      Our 9-year-old DD is Autistic so it’s not like she comes back and reports anything, but both their Facebook pictures (at least last time I looked 18 months ago or so) has their wedding pic and you can tell he’s restraining DD in the pic, so I know she was there.
      Disgusting, the lot of them.

  • Big red flag waving was when I saw he purchased a cheap pendant off Amazon but had it shipped to his work address. This was a month before he flew 7,000 miles to a media exchange program where he fell for a plain, rather unnatractive translator who never married. I had no idea back home what was going on but when he came back I found messages to each other on his Facebook. He was ‘sorry’ for leading her down an emotional path blah blah blah. He had to work on his marriage, etc. Turns out it was an emotional affair. He fell for her, spent the last evening there walking around her hometown, they held hands, kissed and hugged etc you get the picture. Of course said pendant never made it home. He gave it to schmoopie of course. We had horrible shouting matches over it. He denied sleeping with her. I wanted to make him move out then. We kept talking but it wasn’t getting better. He still contacted her, which I screen shot their conversations. She practically threw herself at him as a better alternative to me (aka the crazy wife) wtf ever. I told him no more contact with that bitch. He says now (2 years after d day) that he is no longer in contact with her. He did make up a private email just for them to communicate but I found out and hacked it. So he deleted it but I still check email and other social media for any clues. He said he got the pendant for our youngest daughter but he doesn’t understand why it never showed up ( yerah right ya cheating bastard) we are still not good and he says it’s ok to be in love with two people at the same time and infidelity is not a crime. I told him if he screws someone else he’s out! He just replied OK like it’s Challenge accepted deal. asshole!!! He’s only staying with me until he finds a fuck buddy. Nope. That’s not gonna work. He says he can’t help having urges. Asshole needs to control that shit and act married but the cat is more affectionate than he is. We are together for now but once our youngest graduates in 3 years it’s gonna be the end. I’ll tell him good luck with an F buddy cause you ain’t got much to show off ( he’s ‘tiny’ lol) sad sausage indeed 😂

  • My stbx “cheater peter” (aka) “sir lies a lot” (aka)
    “Sir humps a ho” found a 4 leaf clover in my yard, took himself to the store, bought material to make his work troll a dainty lil bracelet. 🤢🤮🤢 to remind her that she’s his lucky charm!🤮
    He also sent our wedding song to her attached to a picture of the beach they planned to vacation at. The same vacation he needed to go alone and get away with God to see what God would have him do about keeping or leaving his family of 20+yrs! 🤮

  • Cheater ex # 1…. Dumps me at the hospital in labor with my first baby and disappears until the next afternoon. I was barely 20. We had been married less than a year. I was on the other side of the continent from family and friends, alone and scared. Of course, there were complications with the birth for both myself and my son. Cheater # 1 comes waltzing in at 3 in the afternoon saying “Well… what did we have?” I look at him and tell him that I had a boy, and that boy was MY baby, not his. If he couldn’t be bothered to be there when his child was born, he had no claim. He’d been out getting drunk. I left his sorry ass within 18 months, and divorced him 6 months after that.

    Cheater ex # 2 decided to bring his girlfriend to an Alanon meeting that was our special meeting, our one chance for couples time amid busy conflicting schedules. I had to chair the damn meeting that day. I’m chairing and they are sitting there cuddling right in front of me and everyone there, who knew we were married. I decided to take the high road and conducted the meeting as if they were invisible. Afterwards I went into the bathroom, cried for a few minutes, splashed some cold water on my face, and went out to the car, passing the lovebirds saying goodbye. When cheater ex got in he got…” You want her, you got her, let’s go home and pack your shit!” He was all….wait a minute… Wait a minute, I need time to make up my mind. I gave him 3 days. I took my boys and left within 6 months. That was the proverbial straw.

    The funny thing was that schmoopie dumped him not long after. Told him he wasn’t making enough money to suit her. Quick karma and a little temporary satisfaction for me.

  • There are so many moments. Like while my father was knocking on deaths door, found out she was working on being in same town as her boytoy for several weekends. Being a chump, this wasn’t enough for me to give up hope. For me the total complete collapse of give a shit came during MC and full disclosure. She was told from that point on there could be no more lies. Later I went through a list of guys she was talking to over the years and asked some basic questions. Turns out 50 percent of her responses were lies. That moment the caring and give a shit died!

  • I found out I was getting divorced from a credit card bill. When the bill came with a large charge in it, I googled it and it was a “Men’s Rights” divorce firm. When confronted, XH denied it and said he didn’t know what that was and would look into it. Turns out, an affair had been going on for at least a year with a coworker he traveled with. We believe she played the “I’m pregnanr” card because a found a bill for a urologist visit (he had a vasectomy years before). When confronted about that he said he went because he pulled a groin muscle doing a karate kick. Haha. He didn’t do karate or anything much in the way of excercise. The bill from the dr was for testing his fertility. She never ended up pregnant but she got her guy. And then a year and a half later cheated on him and ran off with another guy. Karma!

    • Cheaters cheat! Just a matter of time! Love it when the karma bus hits them in the ass. Mine got hit and now whines about it on Facebook about how painful it is to be broken up. 😭 so sad for him…not. What a pathetic POS.

      • Hehe that’s the first time I’ve admitted that. Knowing what a procrastinator he was, I figured the fish would get a few days’ head start in the bag….in Schmoopie’s apartment.

  • Stbxh thought he was one step ahead of me when he switched a bill from paper statements to electronic. Except he never paid the bill and it went to collections. The collection notice (for $4,300 for jewelry he bought for a married woman) came to my (formerly our) mailbox. He never updated his address after he moved out when I found out about a different affair he had.

    You can’t fix stupid.

  • My DDay was a confess and dash, he told me he was in love with another women and packed up his shit and left while I was at work that day. I was dancing like crazy to be his friend, show everyone how chill I was and try to preserve my dignity (fail). I bought him out of the house and a couple of years later (ya I know I’m a bit slow) decided to sell it. I swear I was so traumatized I don’t remember anything about those two or three years after he left. I somehow functioned at work but I would come home and sit in the dark completely disassociated until I had to leave for work the next day. I didn’t sleep, I rarely ate, I have no idea how that time passed.

    Selling the house meant I had to clean out his basement pig pen/man cave/whatever; I hadn’t gone down there since he had left but while mucking out the piles of trash he left behind I found used condoms and a woman’s earring. Somehow I awoke in that moment, all his ‘but we never slept together’ rubbish became clear and I have never spoken to him since.

    Thank you to all of you for being here.

  • X could be a sweet talker (aka love bombing narc). He kept it simple however by using identical terms of endearment. X was enraged that his privacy had been invaded when I saw amorous communications to single OW. After DD1 he successfully gas lighted me that it was an EA with a colleague that he had already ended. heartsore chumpy me forgave and pick me danced. turns out that didn’t work out so well… DD2 more lies came to light, a year ago X mistook my initial accusation for my now knowing more about DD1. Lied and contradicted previous lies, finding CN, and going NC has been the best.

  • This one still makes me laugh.

    A hair growing out of my nose.

    Yip, on DDay when I had been side swiped and she was telling me the 101 ways I was a sucky husband she criticized a single hair growing out of my nose. This from the woman that used to demand sex then announce that she hadn’t shaved her legs for 2 weeks.

    Genius, just genius.

  • We were in the middle of the divorce and child custody from hell…my oldest son was 11 and has asthma. He became sick and insisted on coming home. I went to
    pick him up about midnight and my ex came out in baggy, stained supposed to be white underwear. I thought “I was married to THAT??!!!” Lightbulb moment!

  • After I had caught him and thrown him out, I discovered various S&M parafernalia under the bed in the spare room. Not something we ever used during our vanilla relationship.

    When he contacted me about “recovering” his possessions from our house, I sarcastically mentioned the “obese sized bustiers” and enquired they were his? He actually said: those were Xmas gifts I was keeping for you Marci. …..I am a size 8.

    So, I did some damage to those clearly expensive items of clothing and bundled them up along with a smelly package of defrosting fish with the other crap I returned to him. I delivered the bag to his office reception desk. In hindsight I suppose I was vindictive.

    The rest of the equipment was easily sold on eBay. Boggles the mind what folks buy second hand.
    Any decent clothing of his, I donated to a,good charity for their shop. I notice on social media he is still wearing some of the old clothes I sent back in that bag. That guy continues to mooch off the government collecting benefits. He is fit to work.

  • So Stbx (Monday) had tramp over to the house while I was traveling for work. During our very short wreckonciliation, I asked him if she had been at the house that time. His jaw dropped and said how did you know. I said well MY beach towel was in the sauna and the hot tub room had been cleaned which he never does. I said what bed did you sleep in, he said we did t spend the night because I didn’t want to invade your privacy. My jaw dropped and said you already did. We lasted 1 day after that conversation. I guess fucking another woman while also enjoying marital “bliss” is not invading privacy. Astoundingly stupid.

    • Thrive – boy, can I relate to you! I’m still astonished at his gall.
      Once, I tested him and said….”so, whose ‘brush’ is sitting in the steam room?”
      He smiled that sickening smile suddenly, and said, “what brush?”
      I said it look like it could have been used as a back brush but it’s actually a toilet cleaner brush. (cleaning lady left behind). He didn’t seem to have a voice, just a sick look to him and no sense of humor.
      My freaking RV that I furnished with me and my scent and my love and hard work to afford, was very suspicious. He went on trips w/o me and the shower didn’t look like it’d been used. The bed made different than I ever would have. Not a strand of red hair! (even from a pro cleaner) .
      All I can figure out about all those skanky trips they went on, they sure went to one hell of a lot of work to cover it up. Even washing the heavy comforter.

      I guess I will never get that, if they are SO proud of their new love relationship, that they can actually go to a huge effort in their lives to keep it secret. In my case, 5 yrs and very low-down things because I couldn’t detect it. Pisses me off about myself.

      Well, I wonder if the ‘thrill’ is still going on.. NOT!

  • After X and I separated a friend of ours committed suicide. I was over getting the kids at his parent’s place where he was living at the time and he told me another of his friends from way back had just attempted suicide. Then said that he was being knocked off the pedestal of having the worst year. I was absolutely dumbstruck. It was a clarifying moment of insight into his total self-absorption.

  • I never realized how stupid my stbx is until read some of his “sexting” for example: I hope you have as good a day as your butt looks. WTF! At least she was smart enough to not respond with her usual😍

  • So with old man OM N+1, I didn’t find much funny, though a lot, in hindsight was. (N represents an unknown quantity btw, because we all know he wasn’t the first, but he’s the first I definitively proved.)
    Anyway, N+1 wasn’t much fun like that, because he was married too. N+2 is a smorgasbord of idiocy from the Facebook posted memes professing love (by way of Katy Perry lyrics) to the photos of him in my car to his rap sheet…..A violent criminal record followed up by a hard drug conviction less than a year ago. But the piece of idiocy that made me realize exactly how big an imbecile she is, was her leaving around the receipts of the money she’s given him and the bills she paid for him. See money isn’t everything, as long as you’re married to someone who makes enough to support you and your boyfriends.

  • My ex bought the OW a bee hive. Yes, a genuine beehive to raise need. He also bought this with our joint credit card that I could see the statements…..

    • Another genius- I guess they just don’t give a damn or think we are just as stupid as they are. Wrong! We are all on this site because we figured their shit out. I finally told my elderly aunts about this situation (my parents are deceased) and my one aunt says to me. Glad you are divorcing him-he deserves it. That was the first time I felt that I had taken action. Up til then I thought of myself as being the sad sap who got left. Sigh-it is a process.

    • If she even brought home a paycheck, robbed a bank, something, I’d be less pissed. The using me like I’m daddy paying for her prom irks the fuck out of me. BTW she made me pay the first one too. And the unconfirmed one that preceded these two, had me buy something from him so that he got commission.

  • Years ago my fuckwit gave me the Griffin and Sabine trilogy of books. When he abandoned me in April he stole them from me and essentially took the gift back. Over the summer he gave the set to one of our adult daughters (a graphic artist, so this artful book set sort of made sense to give to her even though he stole them from me). He told our daughter that “Mom never liked them anyway” which was just a fat lie.

    The truly stupid part is that the fuckwit subsequently stole this book set from our daughter and gave it to his Schmoopie last month. Yup, he has now made 25YO Schmoopie the OW to both our daughters and is triangulating with them big time. He is sharing all the unique music and other cultural items that our daughters thought were precious bonding items just between him and them, things they grew up with and consider sacred. He is using them as tools of sexual overture with a woman their age.

    It hasn’t worked out so well for him though, that was the last straw and our daughters are NC now with that entitled and cruel monster they used to call Daddy. His discard of them is complete in their eyes.

  • Me: Is….is that a hickey on your chest?

    Him: No, that’s…that’s a hickey

    He pulls on his shirt and walks away.

    That was also the last time we had sex.

  • One that reminds me that I have lost nothing, and am gaining a life: Well over a year past dday, I see charges for online porn via phone apps roll by on the business CC bill. Boatloads of money on virtual coins to toss at virtual strippers. Then I see that the slut–overpaid, under qualified “bookkeeper” for the biz–has classified these hundreds (thousands, in total) of purchases as “business software” expenses.

    Yup. They are who they are, and I’m relieved not to be the one doing the spackling, these days.

    • Can you not disallow these charges as “Fraud”? Surely the company, even if the Cheater is an executive, would not be happy about this misuse of company funds. And if it’s not legal, I’d definitely notify the IRS.

      But I’m nasty that way.

      • Lawyer rightly points out that my goal is to get out with a decent settlement. Yes, much immoral and illegal behavior, but not in my kids’ best interest, or my own, to mess with the financial health. Our company, so no higher ups to report to.

        • Run your lawyer’s advice by a CPA, specifically one specializing in tax. If the IRS audits a tax year from when you were still married, you could be held partially responsible. At a minimum, see if you can lock down innocent spouse relief.

  • How about your Your husband starts screaming at you that your ruining another anniversary by being suspicious, while he is on the phone making plans to send. Cash to employee to purchase flowers for Affait partner , on our anniversary!

  • lying cheating coward satan: ‘meow, meow, meow’

    Tess: …wtf…

    …mind bending…

    I was so broken and lost for so long…I now Thank God for the broken bones satan gave me… The physical abuse snapped the reality of my life into sharp focus.. For years his emotional abuse and covert manipulation and lies had clouded all my senses. …I was drowning and not even trying to save myself. I truly thought I would die without him…the whole while he was killing ‘me’…

    I am so grateful to be free of him.

    🙂 Abuse Free is the only way to be 🙂

  • He had a lot of stupid moments, and an MSc. I recorded him discussing his suspicions that I was poisoning him with cider (and cookies) with the Whore. This was cheap cider in plastic 1.25 litre bottles he used to guzzle watching TV eating cookies on his lazyboy during the year of wreckonciliation while he was pining for the Whore stuck on the farm with me (sad sausage) and still cheating. Traitor had been getting what I am sure was indigestion and heartburn, also palpitations, probably because he also got really fat after DDay. Mr Scientist and the Whore decided he should look out for puncture marks in the cider bottles.
    This from someone who used to shoot a pellet gun at the dogs’ kennels over my head while I was feeding them.
    I remember listening to that recording with a mixture of horror and disgust at their imaginations and laughing out loud at the stupidity of it all. I had been bending over backwards to make him happy, and save our relationship, and this is how he saw my efforts.
    Then I talked to my lawyer who advised me to remove all firearms and report this to the cops as he thought this could be a sign that they were prepared to harm me.
    So an own goal for the Traitor and Whore. I reported my concerns, then warned the Traitor that I had reported them and that if I died before 90, even if it appeared to be an illness, I had instructed my lawyer that they should be suspects. That was the end of me being nice.
    “That’s my life insurance” I told the Traitor.

    • More general life lesson i’ve taken away is that you can tell a lot of what’s going on inside someone’s head by the way they think you think.

      So my ex wife getting continuously insecure over the idea of me cheating, was a sign that that’s how her mind worked. It’s good to be able to spot the projection.

      • Oh my gosh Chris you hit the nail on the head! Sooooo many times when I did something nice for him he said he knew I was being sinister or just trying to make him look bad. WTH?? It was completely baffling. He even said I diagnosed him with narcissism all the time although i never did. Fool. They really don’t know what it’s like to be human.

    • OMG kiwi be careful round them too if that is the way their minds work! Am horrified at shooting over the dog kennels as you were there. That’s dangerous and horrible to you and the dogs, and had the potential to scare the dogs into doing something too. Good on your for lawyering up. That accusing others thing… ( X used to accuse me of cheating (was so incredulous and reassured him chumpily it had never crossed my mind) and CN know how that turned out…

      • He’s gone, NC since finances settled in June other than me emailing trying to see his son whom I raised for 9 years. I have not seen or heard from the Whore in 18 months. And now I just got the new phone book and she’s no longer in it. I bet they’re telling themselves they’ve got to be ex-directory because I’m so dangerous. I bet they’re telling everybody the same bullshit too.
        And frankly, I’m glad they’re scared of me in a way 😉 even if they’re delusional.
        He did the pellet gun thing for years, almost every morning when I went to let them out. But he also took photos of me down at the kennels playing with the dogs and was all sentimental about how happy I looked with them. Weird. I bet he hated me being happy.
        He did really strange things with animals, from being overly demonstrative and emotional to being cruel and abusive. Similar to the way he treated me and his sons.
        I would really like to get word that he is now doing this to her and making her life miserable.

        Mighty Chris, yes, they suspect you of what they are doing or want to do, and they also profess to hate cheaters. All part of the cover.

  • Where do I start, LOL? Okay, here’s the one that comes to mind first:

    During bogus reconciliation, I went on a city tour with cheater, our son, and another couple. We were all waiting in line at an extremely popular food stand, when cheater “went to the bathroom” for a few minutes. A couple minutes after he returned to line, two young girls, maybe 12 years old, approached us and started making a huge fuss, asking cheater for his autograph, exclaiming, “Oh my God, you’re really (his name)” and gushing on and on about how exciting it was to actually see such a wonderfully famous person. This went on for several minutes while cheater signed papers for them and puffed and preened.

    The other couple and I stood there dumbfounded, our mouths open. Afterwards, I asked cheater how these girls knew who he was, since he had NEVER done anything they could have seen — this was even before his insane videos. He became furious at me, but admitted he had paid the girls — no shit, Sherlock .

    The next day, cheater went off on me in a rage, saying “You are raping me! You are stabbing me in the back!” over and over again because I had questioned the incident. He was so angry, I actually think he would have hurt me if we hadn’t been in a public place.

    Later, in his book about himself, he advised all wanna-be actors to pay someone to make a fuss in public as a way to “feel what it’s like to be famous.”

  • Wow, there are so many stupid cheater moments, but here are some highlights:
    1. “I think you’d like her” – what he said to me after I found out about his AP (current wife).
    2. “I just wanted one more nice family vacation” – when I asked him why on earth he planned a beach vacation for the family when he was planning to divorce me (following my discovery of his serial cheating habit during our entire 25+ year-marriage).
    3. He blamed the porn I found on the home computer on our teen son and watched me fret over that prospect and how to handle it when clearly it was his porn! (He had a habit with porn that I, unfortunately, did not take seriously when it surfaced earlier and throughout our marriage; although in my defense, he was very good at hiding his indiscretions).
    4. Lied to the MC’s face when asked if he’d been involved in other affairs. (Turns out he’d had at least 3 other AP’s, and I’m sure random hook-ups, since he traveled quite a bit for work – amazing neither of us contracted an STD!!)
    5. Blamed me to our kids when he announced the divorce by telling them that I “couldn’t love him the way he needed to be loved.”
    Yeah, he’s quite a gem. And he was another one who appeared to be the “perfect” husband….friends were absolutely shocked to hear of his shenanigans….as was I. So naive.
    He is remains married to the AP, brand new million dollar home, pool w/spa, just purchased beach vacation home, etc. I recognize those are just things, but they are tangible reminders of what I had. I had to reinvent myself after 21+ years as a stay-at-home mom. I have a great job (thanks to the helping hand of another divorced friend), and I am rebuilding my life little by little. One thing I will always have is the respect and admiration of my kids, which he lost and will never regain.

    • Glad to hear you have a great job, another job well done is shown by having in the admiration and respect of your kids which is true wealth mighty MommaMarsh.

    • Rebuild away! My ex ruined me financially after I came into the marriage with NO debt and am incredibly frugal (which he ridiculed me about on a regular basis.) He just cut child support in half because my attorney forgot to attach the child support worksheet and my husband (with a PhD) “just didn’t understand what he was signing.” You should have seen his overacting in court. If it were socially acceptable, I would have thrown up right there. Note: right after the divorce was final he got a $12K annual raise. What a bastard. I could go on an on about what I learned from the legal system. TIP: Go with a FIRM for an attorney, not a one-person shop. It helps to have multiple attorneys read over the settlement agreement before signing. Don’t go for a nice attorney you trust, like I did. Pick the meanest snake you can find who has a reputation for winning.

      Anyway, so now he has a gob of money, but I have my daughter’s love and my self-respect and the support of the town (it’s a small town so everyone knows what an asshole he is – and apparently always has been. I was the last to know). In the grand scheme of things though – I WON. I’d rather have my daughter and the love and support of friends than money. I can find other ways to make more money. He will never get the love or respect of his daughter back and I can’t see him recovering any decent reputation.

      What’s even more absurd is that he is going around playing a pity party acting like the victim and that he has no money. (The raise and court case were public) So people are just freaked out that he’s bold-face lying about everything. I don’t even have to say a word – His pity ploy is shooting himself in the foot and it is fabulous!!!

  • After two years and numerous D-days, The Worm told me at 9:00 pm via text that he would be home late because he was, “still getting his rear view mirror fixed” and when I drove around the block near the OW’s home (his car was parked around the corner) he told me that he parked there because he had a work meeting at a restaurant about a half mile away……
    He wasn’t even using the slightest bit of effort to come up with a believable lie.
    That was it, GAME OVER!
    I left that night and filed a week later….

  • My stupid ass cheater booked a motel room for him and Schmoopie on OUR credit card. I was checking our bank account on line and discovered a charge to the ‘No-tel Motel.’ I called the bank and told them that surely they made a mistake. Um, no. I figured out later that with his OCD he wanted to make sure him and schmoopie had a room reserved so he used our credit card to do that but intended to pay cash once he got there, not realizing that the charge shows up as a ‘hold’ on the account for three days. (This is a guy who made twice as much as me because he was so ‘smart’ LOL)

  • This probably isn’t really at the very top of my list in terms of my ex’s stupid cheater moments, but this one’s at the forefront of my mind because it occurred one year ago today, Black Friday 2016. For chumps outside of the US, Black Friday is an inexplicable part of the Thanksgiving holiday, wherein stores have supposed mega-sales the day of and after Thanksgiving and hordes of people line up and swarm said stores to buy all the things at low low prices, and occasionally trample each other to death (really, this happens).

    So last year, I went with Navel Gazer and our daughter to a big box store to buy a dishwasher on Black Friday. At the time, DDay hadn’t occurred (well, more accurately, the final DDay hadn’t occurred).

    What had occurred was Navel Gazer’s special kind of mindfuck, wherein earlier that fall he had informed me that he wanted a divorce, because of Reasons and Deep Sadz that didn’t really make much sense, but which I accepted because, well, he did have the Deep Sadz and all, complete with tears, so I really must have failed him catastrophically like he said (and it couldn’t be that he was involved with someone else, because he said he wasn’t, and me even asking was another manifestation of my shitty spousal qualities, because the stripper-fucking incident was seven years ago, Slouching, I can’t believe you’re trying to bring that up now). I was absolutely gutted, and–this is impressive–pick-me danced even though I didn’t know about the OW (or OWs, as it unfolded). He went full shark eyes, really cold, but, because he was such a generous soul, also encouraged my pick-me dancing (“If you can show me what a future where we’re still together looks like, I’ll think about it, Slouching”) . . . but then rejected me again.

    Until one day in mid-November, he had a revelation that he missed Slouching, didn’t want to lose me after all, or break up our family! He realized he owed Slouching another chance! He would try marriage counseling! (With the express caveat that he wasn’t making any promises, and was skeptical that it would “work,” but was willing to try after all). I knew something was rotten in Denmark, and deep down didn’t trust his “change of heart,” but at this point was pretty well gaslit, so I took some cautious Hopium puffs and soldiered on. I’m grateful that I was suspicious enough not to engage in full-blown hysterical bonding, but I was still engaged in trying to show him I could be better and save the marriage (groan). We had what I thought was a Thanksgiving of warmth and hope.

    So, it’s at this point we go to the big box store on Black Friday to buy a dishwasher. It was unpleasant–crowded, frustrating bait and switch deals, understaffed, we’re hungry. After hours of this, endlessly debating the merits of assorted dishwasher minutiae among all of the chaos, we all got a little crabby. There was some run-of-the-mill minor marital bickering and grouchiness, after which Navel Gazer announced “This is why I didn’t want you to come.” But really, in the whole scheme of horrifying family events, this didn’t rank. It was pretty much what you’d expect buying a dishwasher at a big box store on Black Friday, unless you’re some kind of fucking saint that loves shopping for appliances along with thousands of other people all ramped up with holiday stress.

    Fast forward to New Year’s Day 2017, when I have now uncovered that lo and behold, Navel Gazer was in fact involved with someone else the whole time (I know, GASP!), and I confront him. Navel Gazer tells me, with a straight face and with absolute self-righteousness, that he had sincerely tried to give me/the marriage “another chance,” but that right after we got back from buying the dishwasher on Black Friday, he realized that he had made a mistake in thinking we could work things out, “knew that things would never change in our marriage,” and thus posted an online dating profile that led to him meeting his soulmate. Sure, he hadn’t said anything at all to me about the change-of-heart from his change-of-heart, and continued to lead me on, but that was just because he wanted me to have a good Christmas (did I mention Navel Gazer is a generous soul?). I said “So . . . I didn’t pass your secret fake test at Best Buy?” I looked at him, and thought, after 17 years of marriage, who the fuck is this person? And more importantly, who the fuck does he think I am? This moment was one of the moments that helped me truly understand what was actually happening, who he was, and that I was on my own.

    BTW, I later pieced together that he was with one OW at the time of the initial “I want a divorce” announcement, but that that had ended–you guessed it, right before Navel Gazer’s change- of -heart and generous decision to give me another chance–and that BEFORE the Black Friday Dishwasher Incident of 2016, he had already posted his online dating profile and had already started up with the next OW. Hence, the secret fake Black Friday test to justify the re-discard now that he had the next thing lined up.

    I now gaze upon my Marriage Killing Dishwasher with great fondness, and will do a commemorative load today to mark the occasion.

    • You write so well about the end of your time with very shitty man. My goodness, I love that a dishwasher led you, at long last, to the truth.

    • You have perfectly captured those moment when we really see the disordered people we were married to…
      I have two leather club chairs that X insisted on buying because they were at a “discounted” price way back in the beginning of our marriage…I didn’t want to get them because we had just bought out first home (I saved and saved for a year for half the down payment while he took a loan from his retirement account if that paints a picture for you;)
      Anyhoo, he got his way…the club chairs were purchased on the “mutual credit card” which was just my credit card that X was on so as to help repair his shoddy credit (shocker right!). He insisted that the chairs would be paid for in a couple months.
      Gas forward almost a decade and the chairs (amongst other things) were still being paid off!!! I couldn’t keep up with his spending-he would just rage if I tried to complain but I played my role in the disfunction by just focusing on trying to pay off all his debts.
      When we divorced all he wanted was the very large tv, very large mirror and one of the club chairs…I said he’ll no to the club chairs and took great delight in raving my point in front of both our attorneys. He was livid.
      I have paid for those (now) extremely expensive club chairs and I fucking love them.

  • Let me start with, I knew him for 16 years and I was married for 9 1/2 years to cheater #2. My chump moments were:

    1) I knew my now STBX way back in junior high school, we were in the same grade. STBX he was a shy guy but was a nice friend to everyone. Well, fast forward to my 20 year reunion, I was going through divorce #1 (I’ll talk about that one some other time) and I didn’t go but a girlfriend of my did go. Days later I go see my girlfriend and she hands me this paper for me to get in touch with my now STBX. Well, I called and the rest is history.

    2) It is 2006, STBX and I are living together. STBX had some quirky ways on how he wanted his house to be lived in, what foods he would eat, how to treat his daughter, decided where we would go on vacation, etc… I was doing the “pick me dance” but never knew it (Chumplady was not born yet😫)!!!! I have never been with a person who acted the way he did, can we say low self esteem!!!! Anyhow, STBX, would just RAGE at a drop of the hat over small stuff. I was still trying to see the guy I knew in junior high school, the shy, sweet guy ( he wore that mask very well). I had enough and left with all my stuff and moved in with my mother. SBTX would call me to see how I was doing, 9 months later I moved back in with him. One day I was on the computer and found some pictures of a women naked in the house posing next to the door way into the bedroom and a couple of other photos were of her boobs and bush (with no head shots). When I confronted him he apologize half assed and said he made a bad choice. At that moment this women calls and leaves a voicemail for him to call her, she wanted to talk. He calls her back and leaves a voicemail saying he is happy and that we are getting married. He promised me he was all mine, to always trust him😳. Later in the month a few of his friends told me he was seeing 2-3 women during our time apart, I didn’t leave, palm smack to head!!!

    3) Fast forward to 2016, we are married, I was looking at photos from earlier in the year on my cell photo (we have a shared plan) and notice a photo of a women, naked and smiling (yes, this time he took a full body shot) in bed, in a cheap hotel room and it shows it was taken on his phone😳!!!! I call him up at work and tell him what I just discovered , I was so mad 😡. As I was looking on my phone for more evidence I noticed, about an hour later, he was deleting all of his social media pages. He was home before me when I walked into his man cave. Again, he apologized but this time he blamed me for his cheating WTF? So, what did I do, I did the “pick me dance” AGAIN!!! I took full responsibility, what a chump i am😭. I didn’t want another divorce. I felt ashamed, stupid, unloved, unwanted, ugly, I mean, what was I worth? We went to MC, that only lasted for about 1 1/2 months but it was here that I discovered the craziness of my life. It was during these sessions that he would not accept responsibility for his actions, he just kept blaming me. I am so glad the MC saw the true POS he really was/is. I discovered that he would/could never really mean what he would say, feel or act. The MC secretly gave me his diagnosis “Boarderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic Traits” at our last meeting. OMG, what the hell was that? I’d didn’t start researching until months later (I was still reeling from everything).

    4) Fast forward again to late December 2016. He goes into another major RAGE because I didn’t do as he wished. I HAD ENOUGH!!!! It was after doing all the research of his diagnosis I discovered it never was about me. It was and would alway be on him. I don’t know where my strength came from but I changed that day and continue to change. I filled for divorce I late January (he would always threaten me with divorce, this is how I knew there was someone new in his life). I didn’t discover CL &CN until about February 2017. This site and everyone who have posted have been my life saver during this very difficult time in my life. I can’t believe the crap that comes out of their mouths. I guess they do have a playbook to pick their stupid common sense from. I don’t want another relationship, i am so afraid of men right now (I know that not all men are made this way) but I just can’t go through another breakup, it’s just too painful 😖. CL &CN I AM SORRY FOR THE LONG POST BUT I NEEDED TODAYS POST TO VENT !!! God bless all of you, my brothers and sisters in this sad situation.

  • On d-day 1 I was so devastated that I sent the kids to go stay at a friends house. My middle child, (then 10), fell out of a tree playing ghost in the graveyard, and broke her leg in 3 places. My friend called me at 11:00 pm and said “she needs to go to the ER.” I spent all night with her in the ER (cheater didn’t come, because why would he right?). Her leg was too swollen to cast, so they put a splint on it and she was bed ridden for two weeks. Getting a kid with a broken leg to the bathroom is a horrible ordeal! Anyway, cheater moved into a hotel for that two weeks and left me to take care of a bedridden child, along with the desdruction he’d left behind. The day they put her under to set a bone and cast he was there taking pictures to post on FACEBOOK – “his poor baby!” Yeah, whatever… too bad he failed to mention he wasn’t even helping with her that two weeks because he was too busy figuring out “what he wanted”

  • Another stupid moment. Traitor used to rage at the livestock, at me, in the yards. Until I outed him in MC I used to think his rages were uncontrollable. But as soon as I outed him to the MC they stopped completely. Never raged at me again. Instead he went for the cold as ice discard.
    Anyway, after one awful rage incident in which he broke a lamb’s back, I put him on notice that if he ever hurt an animal again the farm would be sold. Instead he switched to yelling at me and kicking, smashing things to intimidate me. Then one day he kicked the drafting gate so hard, with his steel toe boot, that he broke his big toe. I was very unsympathetic… I laughed and pointed at him for the whole 4 weeks he was out of action on the farm, sitting in his lazyboy only getting up to make himself cheese toasties, leaving all the dishes undone while I did all the farmwork by myself and still had their meals cooked and ready for them (the Whore’s son was there too half the time), and still did all the housework.
    Poor sad sausage, I showed no sympathy so I guess he punished me by doing fuck all in the house.
    Did he learn a lesson and stop raging? Nope, in fact the shooting pellets started shortly after this.
    Traitor still had a broken toe and I told his entire family how he did it. We all laughed.
    In hindsight though, we were all laughing and spackling over his abusive behaviour.

    • Kiwichump,

      I am so glad you got away from that sociopath. Abusing animals like that is a sure sign. An ex of one of the shooters here in the U.S. was interviewed and she shared that he would get dogs at the pound for target practice.

      • It’s embarrassing to admit but I didn’t get away from him, he left me. I think I would never have ended the relationship unless he physically hurt me, which he would be too legally savvy to do. So I let him get worse and worse over the years and even after the cheating I was still working to save the relationship. So he did me the favour of leaving to be with his Whore.
        He never actually shot the dogs, he was shooting at the roof to make noise supposedly to shut them up, but I think mostly to intimidate me while I was down there. Before he started with the pellet gun, he used to collect pebbles from the driveway to throw. He used to be a great cricket bowler.
        Really weird bastard, very legally savvy and always playing on the legal boundaries but staying on the right side so no one could do anything to him. He also boasted about goading people into throwing the first punch so he could then beat them up when he was younger. Very calculating.

  • Oh geez! I have so, so many stupid cheater moments (he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed), the most mindblowing ones of course being what he said and how he acted after I found out about his cheating. I mean, I have never personally visited the alternate reality where my STBX apparently resides, but the rules of reason and logic must be totally different there.
    That aside…
    The one that actually made me think, “I can’t believe I ever respected this idiot” is pretty mundane.
    He had to skype into our mediation sessions as he was living across the country. Our mediator needed to leave the table briefly, at which point my STBX began talking about how cold it was where he was- information that I had gathered given the fact that he was all bundled up in his winter coat while sitting on his living room couch. I told him to use the heater (I had made sure that our apartment rental had heating- we were supposed to move there together but he got caught three weeks before!). He was looking to his right all suspicious-like and I said “What are you looking at?” and he says “The heater! I don’t know how to turn it on! There are so many buttons!” At which point I say “Show me”, so he tilts the screen.
    FOLKS, IT WAS A NORMAL WALL HEATER.
    Confused, I said “Just… just press the red button…?”
    His response?
    “I’m scared.”
    28 year-old man. Apparently god-like enough to cheat on me the entire time we were together. But scared to turn on the wall heater in his new apartment.
    I kid you not, it was like scales fell from my eyes and I thought “this guy is a total loser!”
    Oh man, honestly I just replay this small but delicious moment of stupidity in my head whenever I get all sad or mopey and it does the trick.

  • One of the dumbest things he said during D day was when telling me about taking the ow to Disneyland and then to a hotel, he wished he had been man enough to leave before having sex with her. Even funnier, this woman is now on Twitter, FB, etc. as a domestic violence guru. More recently, he remarried in another state and texted our adult kids a picture of his wedding invitation and said he figured they wouldn’t be able to make it. No, they didn’t make it. They have not met her.

  • First time posting here but I’ve been reading these messages since March after two months of pick me dance followed by two months of wreckonciliation and him walking out in March. I had the same rubbish. Out of the blue in November he telld me he’s leaving as he’s unhappy and first want to be married any more. I beg and I beg that we have five children one of whom has a serious medical condition, for the children, I still love him. Over the coming days of him being in the house and me distraught did the whole story come out. My husband who has the personality and social skills of a gnat had been having an affair for eight months with a woman who was only one of his two friends in the whole world. Had known her in work for years. Years previous he had talked about going to a music concert with her and I was horrified at the thought and said men and women can’t be friends (this was in the middle of me having five children in seven years and feeling too much of a mother and not confident enough as a woman). Her name never got mentioned again but I didn’t know he met her secretly for lunches out and visit her at her house. I only ever got to go for coffee once a year on the first day back to school for the children. I will admit when the kids were younger I didn’t push too hard for date nights, doing things etc as always thought it was too much hard work getting organised with kids etc. Only recently when the kids were a little older and I started leaving the fog of being a full time stay at home mum did I realise that we needed more couple time but he has no interest in going for dinner or out for walks. Too late. He already had a woman who listened to him and understood him and supported him. Not me who spent too much time and energy keeping a home going as he did nothing around the house apart from the clean the kitchen after dinner at eleven o’clock at night with music going full blast after he pulled himself away from his phone or off a computer. If anything needed doing in the house I did it. DIY, anything need buying etc. He did nothing apart from buy stupid useless gimmicks from the internet. He was content for my father to cut our grass for the fourteen years we’ve lived in this house. He’d stand in our kitchen with a cup of tea in his hand and grin out the window while watching my 70 year old dad who survived cancer cutting his grass. I say grin but it really was a smirk. I started dreading him taking to me because he’d always have to clear his throat first (remember he has no social skills so didn’t have to use his voice very often) and it was always something that needed doing, some problem it criticism re the kids. Always a complaint never an offer of a solution it help.
    Anyway I got it all. He only told me he was leaving because she was pregnant. The first few days after he told me he was leaving there was no reason, just that he was unhappy. I got the rest out of him over the week of him being in the house and me not sleeping or eating and just being a crazy zombie. He told me he didn’t want to tell me the full story as it would upset me too much. He stayed in a shared bed with one of the kids because remember we have five and no spare bed. He’s leaving, no negotiation. He talks about splitting money etc. Next thing out of the blue he tells me she lost the baby. We have an important family occasion for one our children but he has to miss it as she is having a DNC and ‘despite what I think of her she is still a woman and he owes it to her to be there with her’. Long story short, after six weeks of horrendous begging and upset and me moving out several night a week to go to my parents so he can have the children with no interference from me because the children are happier when I am but around! he annnouces he is going to stay with me and try again but things have to change and we need to go to counseling. I do all he asks and more. Three months of wreckonciliation later he overnight decides he can’t do it any longer and walks out back to her. March 6. And here I am a lot better than I was eight months ago. Not dreading Christmas. Managed to start a new job six weeks after he walked out and hold onto it (first full time professional job in 15 years). Partly sane but have moments of anger and grief. No longer grieving over him but grieving the loss of a partner and friend. Him in that role as not him who he is. He’s turned himself inside out and I have no interest in him. Just have to handle the money havoc he causing now not giving me enough to live on and keeping a whole load of his salary while I raise five kids who I have 99% of the time as the little he has them that I have to remind him to take he buys them junk food and clothes and fun gimmicks. Nothing comes back about the fun daddy.#personality disorder

    • You are awesome. 5 kids and working full time?That’s a lot to handle.I hope Christmas has 6 happy faces around the tree, and that Fun Daddy finds his wallet.

    • This sounds terrible. I’m so happy you posted. You’re not alone. Keep posting in the forums. He is a fool. Keep documenting costs and fighting for support.

    • Oh my god!!! Your description of him watching your dad mow the lawn says it all about this asshole! You are mighty, Niamh!!! You are so much better off without this guy! I hope you have someone to tell you how amazing you are every day!!

    • We’ve got your back here. It will get so much better! Although I only have one child, I’m so glad I married the idiot and have her. It’s worth all the pain. Your kids are so lucky to have you. My daughter is the happiest I’ve ever seen her without him around. Hopefully you and your kids can breathe a sigh of relief without having to deal with him all the time. GOOD LUCK!

  • One night towards the end of the “wreckonciliation” he was supposed to be coming to my place after he got off work to have an evening together . I was starting to believe that things weren’t going to work out between us but I wasn’t ready to pull the plug yet.

    He ended up having to stay a couple hours late because one of the employees he supervised went home sick, so he had to do their closing procedures as well as his own. I suggested we cancel, but he insisted that he wanted to see me that night.

    He brought supper and after we ate, he asked if he could soak in my bathtub. That wasn’t unusual, the place I used to live at had an oversized spa tub in the full bathroom, and he liked to have an Epsom salt soak after work some nights when he’d been on his feet and running around the facility he worked at all day.

    So he’s sitting in a tub full of foamy eucalyptus bath soak, chin on chest, with a sad sausage look on his face. Because he knows he’s one step out of line away from getting dumped. And he looks up with the most pitiful whipped dog look ever and says “Every woman I’ve ever had in my life eventually abandoned me, I don’t know why they all turned on me”.

    The first thing that popped into my head was “Oh my God, what did you DO to all of them?”. But I said something about him needing to think about that and why he was the common denominator. And then told him I’d meet him in the living room to see him out after he dried off and got dressed.

    He’d assumed he’d be spending the night. But after the sad sausage pitiful me fest, and complete denial of self awareness, I just wanted him gone.

    I didn’t dump him that night, but it wasn’t long after that when I did.

  • One of my ex-wife’s stupid cheater moments was when she disappeared from our home leaving a message that she was going away to kill herself. Not surprisingly, it was a very difficult weekend for me and my sons.

    A quick check of her speed pass account showed me that she was in another state shacking up with my cousin.

    Unfortunately the realization that I could check the speed pass came after a long weekend of actually believing she was going somewhere to take her own life.

    Fun times indeed

    • Wow! That psycho bitch/cheater should be ashamed of herself for putting her children through that bogus drama. So sorry that had to happen to you and your kids. It’s a shame she didn’t kill herself- she’s worthless as tits on a bullfrog as a mother, wife and as a human being!

  • Me: yesterday you said ( in front of miss 1999) that you wanted a divorce. Now you’re saying you don’t want a divorce.
    Him: i misspoke myself
    I looked at him and thought- dear god, he’s an idiot, and he thinks I’m an idiot. And that was it. I’d been in love with him beyond belief for about 22 years at that point,and it all screeched to a halt with 3 little words
    Last week he and miss 1999 got matching tattoos, in Elvish, that say ” always and forever”. I’m considering peering at his arm next time he picks up the kids and saying” what a shame about the spelling. You can probably get that redone”. I can just imagine them Googling it frantically…

  • About a week after DD #1, I asked The Turd how the apartment search was going. He said it wasn’t going well. He couldn’t go live with his druggie, convict, student whore because she still lives with her parents. He couldn’t afford a place. He refused to stay with his dear friend who covered for him. He refused to live in his truck. I flipped out and told him he has done enough damage to me and our son and he needed to get the f out even if just on the weekends. Well what do you know…a week later he said he broke up with druggie, convict, student whore. She wasn’t the “right girl” for him because, wait for it…SHE WAS SELFISH! Yes, The Turd is such a moron that he told his heartbroken WIFE that he broke up with his whore because the whore was selfish…

    I just can’t with these people.

    Best part is that a week after that he disappeared for a four day weekend with TrannyTwat which led to DD #2. I wonder if TrannyTwat realizes she started out as just a convenient place to stay on the weekends. I hope she does one day.

  • I was sent off on holiday alone with my 3 small kids but told the ” too fabulous to behold” had a very busy work week and would come at the week-end.
    He arrived with a bandaged finger. ” BROKE IT ON THE FRIDGE DOOR”.
    Who knew fridges were dangerous?
    On returning home I find in the car an x ray. Dr report: Broken finger due to playing cricket. Yep, really busy at work playing cricket while I sort out three kids under 6.
    Nice.
    God he is such a twat. Just ugh.

  • It seems like there are endless stupid cheater moments. Just this week I contacted my STBX to remind him that he owes my mom $1000. She loaned us the money to visit his family. Asking him to replay the money REALLY set him off. He didn’t remember asking for it, my mom volunteered it, why should he have to repay it? Then he started attacking my family saying this was a reminder about how his side of the family was such a burden to you and your family. He said my Mom will get her money, because he understands how important money is to me and my family and just how good having money can make you feel when judging others.

    It didn’t stop there, he then went on to say that I like to say that he is the entire reason for any/all financial stress because I had to work the budget to support my extravagant lifestyle. He said he is sure I would have plenty of evidence to prove that case of course, though he disagrees. This went on and on for 1/2 day’s worth of emails. Basically blaming being judged for being financially irresponsible for the demise of our marriage (guess that cheating didn’t do anything bad to the relationship).

    Of course, his financial irresponsibility WAS a huge burden on the relationship, but I never complained out it and my family never said anything to him about it.

    The stupid cheater moment that comes after all his complaining? I transferred money into his account on a Friday to make the car payment. He went to pay that bill Monday (the day of this conversation). I get a email from the bank that funds are being transferred into an account so I log online to check it out to see that he have spend some of the money I sent and had to take a cash advance on his credit card to cover the rest of the car payment. Spends the whole day complaining that people judge him on financial irresponsibility and then proves the point in the same day. Idiot.

  • Well, in 2012, my ex-husband cracked a tooth while biting into a hamburger during a Eurovision Song Contest party. Being absolutely terrified of needles, he refused point blank to go to the dentist. For the next 4 months his toothache got worse and worse and he got grumpier and grumpier, while still refusing to get checked out. Eventually the tooth ache became so bad that he was in terrible pain. I remember him ringing me for help and me (literally) running out of work and across town to buy pain killers for him. He read online about dental treatments and promptly needed to lie down on our living room floor, green in the face, due to his horror of the thought of it. I comforted and consoled him. Eventually, he had to face facts and go to the dentist, so I took a day off work to go with him. In the dentists chair he waxed lyrical to the dentist on how he had severe needle phobia and would start screaming and faint if the dentist came near him with a needle – so that dentist refused to treat him. So I spent all my time on the phone trying to find a dentist who would treat him with sedation. Eventually we realised that to get this treatment we would have to go private, which would cost over a thousand pounds (by this time, 6 months after the initial incident, he needed a full root canal). So I said, yes, we must spend this money to help him, and took more time off work to take him to the dentist, hold his hand, mop his brow, and support him while he had his tooth fixed.

    Well, less than a year later, we were sat in a hospital room while an oncologist told me I had aggressive breast cancer and would be going immediately into full chemotherapy and was facing over a year of hospital treatment to save my life. My husband spent the rest of the appointment lying on a bed in the room being fanned by a nurse and then disappeared the next morning (ran to arms of OW), refused to answer my messages, reappeared lying through his teeth about where he had been, never asked how I was, never came to the hospital with me, never gave me any practical help and 5 weeks into my chemotherapy, dumped me to go off with OW. ‘It’s not just hard for you, M, he said. It’s hard for me too.’

    • OMG, M!!! Thats shocking. I hope that you have made a full recovery and go on to lead a victorious life without that douchebag.

      • Ah, thanks! It’s been a long and truly terrible journey, but I am at meh now. I find it useful to look back because it reminds me of how much I’ve changed. Not in one million years would I put up with an idiot like him in my life again. He really was at a sort of pantomime-villain level of awfulness. I used to be such a chump – so easy for him to manipulate, mainly through his self-pity tactics. But no more! I’ve developed clear sight about these manipulative, selfish, entitled behaviours and I now have zero tolerance. It’s through this blog that I’ve really understood so much about it. One of my work colleagues commented to me yesterday that I’d really changed. She literally said that I now ‘have a core of steel’ and that ‘no one ever messes with you M’. She suggested I step into a leadership position in my work on the basis of this – and I’m actually thinking about it. Keep going my fellow chumps – life gets so much better!

        • So very glad to hear you are okay.

          I feel the same way! It dawned on me that zillions of people have experienced the things my ex said made him a “damaged” person who do not use these life events as excuses for bad behavior. Ironically, those things that damaged him most were his parents getting divorced and his first wife cheating on him. Never again will I fall for those pity tricks. We’ve all had crap happen. Deal with it like an adult.

          I have moved from shock to rage to bewilderment to now, indifference. He’s not worth my energy. As an added bonus, it makes him CRAZY when I don’t respond to his accusations or tantrums. The most recent one was he called me “childish” for not speaking to him and only communicating in writing and I just didn’t respond. (If not for my daughter there would be NO CONTACT at all.) It did tickle me to think of him checking his email obsessively to see what I was going to write back to him.

          Roll your eyes and keep it all in a file people! By now I have hundreds of pages of emails and texts and many many recorded conversations. It’s my security blanket protection against his lies should I ever need it.

    • I’m so glad you are okay M!!!!

      Thank goodness you are free of that sniveling selfish idiot! OMG!

      None of them are there when needed, it seems. 🙁 And none of them really care.

      (((((((M))))))) So glad you are free of him and so glad you are well!!!!

  • The perv (Dancing Dick) began his “Anthony Wiener-like” sexual harassment campaign at my married neighbor by making friendly, neighborly phone calls. I heard him call my neighbor to ask her if the cat on our door step is hers. That was the beginning of 17 late night “dirty phone calls,” and 42 unwanted lewd texts. The neighbor and her husband almost pressed charges- but they didn’t for my sake.

    Dancing Dick slunk away once again. God willing his next victim will either have him thrown in jail….or she will have a big strapping Navy Seal husband with PTSD!

  • We had been married 10 years (it would be another 23 years before Dday). It was my 40th birthday and H’s plan was to get a babysitter and take me out for dinner (I had done a major party for his 40th, but I was okay with no party or celebration). So we go to a nice restaurant and the hostess asks whose birthday it is. He was furious because it was supposed to be a surprise that he had ordered a cake and so he had a major tantrum with her and we left. He drove around for awhile swearing and then finally stopped at a very low brow family restaurant and stormed in (because he was now hungry). He stayed angry at the hostess throughout the evening. He never asked me how I felt or even wished me a happy birthday. After all, nothing was ever about me. It was always about him and how he was feeling. Can you believe anyone putting up with this for 33 years?

    • I was just told that if you’re the first spouse to make it 10 years you’re entitled to social security. I was wifey #2 and made it 13 years. Wifely #1 only made it 8. I looked it up and this appears to be true. Just thought it would be helpful to share this tidbit.

      So if you’re 9 years and 11 months in you may want to hang on one more month. I’m not sure the misery would be worth it to hang on much longer than that though!

      • ‘Tis true–but you have to decide between your own social security and half of your X’s (whichever is higher) at the time you start drawing social security. In addition, you can’t be married yourself at the time (though having remarried and divorced still gives you access to X’s soc. security).

  • Oh I just remembered a fun one lol

    On holiday and this one afternoon the ex decided to sunbake. Spent ages out in sun lying on his back (think beached walrus look) trying to tan his big white stomach. Warned him a few times he was burning. I clicked after that he was obviously trying to tan up a bit for OW … well that worked well, hope she enjoyed the peeling burnt stomach skin falling off everywhere

  • I can honestly say that I can no longer remember such details and didn’t realize that until I read this.

    For those dealing with the fresh aftermath of walking away from playing your cheater’s game (it’s called “you always lose”, and it’s their favorite game), take heart because life goes on, and eventually you’ll look back and be grateful those fucks aren’t in your life anymore.

  • I’ve told this one before. There were SO many moments during my marriage that made me think that X was a stupid jerk but forgave and spackled
    it all in my mind. This one I will never forgive.

    After X left my kid and I because he just wasn’t happy and needed to find himself, he set himself up in a buddies house (or so I thought). I still was clueless about all the lies, cheating, drugs…anyhoo, the first overnight he requested my kid stay with him at his buddies house, she was super excited (his buddy had a few cats so she was really into getting to hang out with the kitties). She packed mostly by herself and was so happy to be spending the weekend with her dad. One hour before pick up, X cancels (I was at work so he called the babysitter and then left me a message). I had to leave a meeting early and rush home to my kid who was so sad. She cried the whole way home. I spoke with shithead X and he tried serving me this guilt trip about how he got a last minute gig and had to work the next three days and had to cancel for the whole weekend. I insisted he pay a sitter because I had to work too…he argued about how unfair that is to him…blah, blah.
    Skip ahead a few weeks and I find out about the cheating, drugs and other lies. I also found out that shithead did not have to work that weekend he requested to have our kid stay with him…he actually was in Niagara Falls with the affair partner. He called from fucking Niagara Falls!!! He planned seeing his kid knowing full well that he would cancel on her. It was absolutely idiotic, and unforgivable to hurt her like that. I will never forgive him for all the months subsequently that he gave stupid “the dog ate my homework” excuses when he cancelled on her. Now that he got the OW as a new appliance and has her apartment to stay in he is playing at Disney dad of the year. He shows up mostly but I will never forgive those 6 months of hurting her every week.

    • All the same these selfish narcs, as they have no integrity, they don’t give a shit about dicking people around. Trying to get anything out of mine more than a few days in advance is like pinning jello to the wall. I don’t bother anymore asking and I’m not facilitating his relationship with our boys. He currently sees them less than 10 hours a week cause he’s sooo busy, no he likes to puff around doing his own thing. No custody arrangement which suits me fine and I get maximum child support. It has been one year and the kids still sleep on inflatables when they stay there which is on average once every month.

  • I read this whole thread holy shit these people are just awful. Hard to believe that any of us shed a tear over these losers yet we all cried rivers. Can we all just breathe one big collective sigh of relief that these horrible people are out of our lives? I too have a million stories. I picked one spectacularly stupid moment for this column:

    About a year after he left and moved in with her, I had fallen off the “no contact” band wagon. He called me to talk about a vacation he was planning with OW and our four kids to NYC, centered around a family event (his family, that I’m no longer a part of). He actually said to me, “I’m having trouble deciding what to do in New York. If YOU were going, what would YOU want to do?”

    Um, holy shit, did you actually just ask me what I would do in NY with my family if you hadn’t kicked me out of the family? Boy did I let him have it. He tried to text me an apology “I don’t think before I speak” No, ex, the problem is you don’t feel before you speak. You have no empathy. “I’m an asshole” I did enjoy that one. Yes you are an asshole, that is the fundamental problem here.

    • Yes, he thought you could be of use to him, so he asked. No further thought or consideration warranted with appliances. Plus a little side dish of triangulation for kicks.

    • “no empathy”

      That’s the key right there. Took me 17 years to totally realize that about cheater wife. They are 100% self centered. Everything is by design. I can’t imagine the weird thoughts they must have going on inside their head on a daily basis.

  • Replacing a six-foot long fluorescent light in the utility room. He was planning to move out, and after I asked him to help so I didn’t have to balance on a stepladder holding it in the middle and trying not to drop the thing, he did help, but was so ungracious and eventually snarled “I’ll be so glad when I don’t have to do stupid shit like this!” A ten-minute basic task to help the family.

    • Yeah, I’m sure Schmoopie didn’t make him do “stupid shit” like basic adulting. The magic of their love powered all light bulbs, no doubt.

  • So, this is how I caught him: He asked to be put on my Amazon Prime account to save money. Sure. I’m totally frugal so was glad to see him actually wanting to save a penny for once. Then when I got on to order something, an unfamiliar address popped up. It was a woman he mailed a little blue bird nightlight to a year before. That’s when I knew it. That bastard never bought a gift for anyone (including his own daughter the Christmas after we split AND then he got enraged at me for not buying Christmas gifts and putting his name on them like I used to do. What a moron. My then 11 year old daughter just looked at him like he was pathetic, which he is.)

    When I confronted him that day, he responded with “You’ll destroy her” if you tell about our affair. As if that wasn’t even more motivation to do it. I have not outed her though – she lives in a different state and seems so batshit crazy I’m afraid she’d drive down here and shoot me. She’s an ethics professor, Sunday school teacher, married with 3 sons. Gives lectures on “truth” and “being wholly holy.” Just a real angel.

    I do feel guilt about not telling her husband though, since that is what I wish someone had done for me. However, I have to protect my daughter and my ex has bragged to so many people about his affair and all the trips they have taken together that I’m sure it will eventually get back to him. I HAVE kept a mountain of evidence of their affair in case the husband ever needs it though. I will never get rid of that stuff.

    They SO deserve each other. Both nightmares. I say that’s the sweetest revenge y’all! Let them have each other! As added bonuses, she’s a freak about musicals, which my ex HATES with a passion. I delight in thinking of him taking a road trip with her singing show tunes the whole way! She also is fairly hideous, which tickles me because my ex is so vain. He would even brag about being vain. I just thought he was terribly insecure.

    All the people I have heard of who have had affairs have traded DOWN! Think of Prince Charles here. No need for any of us to feel bad about ourselves at all. My “downfall” in his eyes was that I didn’t worship him. I’m proud of that.

    • Ethics professor and Sunday School Teacher–it boggles the mind how OW/OM can justify their actions with their supposed belief systems. Delusional.

      My X’s main affair partner (and the one I divorced him over) was an Ethics Ph.D. graduate student. She later wrote some drivel on “Love and Agency,” which I’m sure would cause my eyes to roll out of my head if I were to actually read it. Hmmph–where was my “Agency” while she was fucking the husband I did love at the time?

      • It’s so bizarre. I know of 3 ethics professors who have also slept with students. It’s almost like people go into those fields deliberately in order to fool people to cover their lack of morality. Anyone who is totally self-righteous, lacking humility, and seeks the spotlight should set off an alarm. Or many alarms.

        I feel so sorry for her husband and kids. My friends try to alleviate my guilt for not telling him that his wife is a complete whore by saying “he has to know – maybe he doesn’t care.” But here’s the thing, I work in the same field and I DIDN’T KNOW. He’s an engineer and I’m quite sure he doesn’t know. One of my wiser friends said to me (when I was feeling particularly chumpy) that it is the NORM to trust your partner. I was acting normal. He was not. That really really helped.

        • He doesn’t know. Save your evidence, and once your daughter is of age, you can pass all of your info on to the poor unsuspecting husband so that he can go on to live an honest life. I agree your main priority now has to be your daughter & her safety.

  • During my last attempt at wreck conciliation mine spent the morning and afternoon with me, breakfast and lunch out, hand holding, flower buying, grocery shopping together – him saying he loved me and then he proceeds to tell me he is going to her house for the evening and don’t you worry Chump, I will sleep on the couch.

    At that moment I realized WTF and I am so done. Nothing here to work with.

    And life goes on now, divorced, and peaceful. Lonely at times but peaceful.

    • Sleep on the couch? What the Fuck?!? Good for you for finally saying no more to the bullshit! Wow, the stupidity. They take miles and miles…

  • Amongst the other things I found in his google activity (massage parlors, backspace.com), I found he was cheating at trivia crack and Words with Friends. I saw that he had googled ‘how many harry potter books were there?’ I am a huge Potter fan. I have a tattoo. I went to London for the midnight release of the last book. I have the full set of books in 4 different editions. He had bought me endless harry potter gifts while we were together.

    I saw that and thought ‘WTF was I doing with this guy in the first place?!’

  • I’ve been looking online for T shirts ( Christmas shopping!) and you can get one that says ‘ I’m not with stupid anymore” So tempted….None in Elvish though. Alas.

  • I forgot the best ‘stupid’ gem of all.

    We had been separated for a while and one day we were speaking about legal stuff. He said something to me and I queried it. He replied… I’VE NEVER LIED TO YOU

    Hahaha I actually felt my jaw drop lol. No? No lies? oh ok so you had an affair with your ho-worker, told me a bunch of bullshit when I confronted you about it (including telling me it was NOT the ho-worker but someone else, to take the heat of ho-worker) Endless ‘untruths’ but fellow chumps – He never lied to me – I’m so relieved 😉

  • Here’s a sliver of “Best of RockStarWife’s Awful Relationship Moments” (I know that I have mentioned these before, so they probably look familiar to long-time readers.)

    First, with ex-husband:
    (1) During wreckonciliation family trip to venue where AP, my husband’s co-worker, was working: AP wanted to talk to me so spent 90 minutes communicating with me through text message (while I was at hotel). My husband got mad that his wife and AP calmly communicated with each other. After that very bizarre conversation, husband decided to go out with his co-workers. They went to a strip club. I got a call from my husband late that night saying, ‘Is it OK for me to go to a strip club?’ So much for family bonding vacation!
    (2) Also during wreckonciliation, to show me that he had limited his sexual activity with the AP (I knew about, there were more), he sent me a link to a site showing the Kama Sutra 500 sexual positions, citing the numbers associated with the four positions he had used on his AP and saying, ‘the rest have been reserved for you’ as if saying so meant something in our marriage was sacred to him. Sick F–k!
    (3) On D-Day #2, at his sibling’s wedding reception, he told me while our kids slept in his car at the venue that while we dated when I calmly asked him if he had ever engaged in a gay relationship, he said ‘No.’ (I would have been ok with having had gay relationships as long as he was attracted to me.) He revealed to me that night, ten years after originally asking the question, that he had multiple gay affairs, some lasting for years and had sex with prostitutes while married to me (not separated) and had withdrawn small amounts of cash (that was supposed to go into our kids’ college saving account) from our bank accounts so I wouldn’t realize that he was using our money for sex with prostitutes. (He had abused me in many ways for several years at this point, tried to frame me, getting police to search our home without warrant/warning for things I had purportedly stolen from him (WTF?), had taken me to court to prevent me from ever seeing our children as he falsely alleged that I had sexually molested our youngest.) He then said, ‘I had hoped by telling you this that we could start over’ (reconcile). Numb, I quietly said, ‘I guess tomorrow we continue with the divorce.’

    Second, with ex-boyfriend (after I caught him lying) and he was dropping off the last of my stuff:
    Him: “She (my, Honest Chump’s, replacement) went home right after the football game (they were watching on TV) ended.’
    Me: ‘You’re lying to me.’ (Returning from a relative’s funeral, I saw her car in the driveway during the football game and in the wee hours of the morning, long after football games end. At that point, I no longer trusted him because I had caught him in some lies.)
    Him: ‘OK. She stayed until morning. She had too much to drink. Nothing happened!’ (Guess he assumes that I have the mental capacity of a severely mentally disabled three-year-old.)
    Me: ‘You are the LAST person I would expect to lie to me. I always told people that you and my father were the two people I trusted most on the planet.’
    Him: ‘OK. I made a mistake.’
    Me: ‘That’s not a mistake. A mistake is accidentally stepping on someone’s toe after the subway unexpectedly screeches to a halt.’
    Him: ‘I didn’t come here for you to lecture me.’
    Me: ‘I shouldn’t need to and have no desire to lecture Cadet of the Year/Eagle Scout/Executive in his late 40s on integrity.’
    Me: ‘You told me that you wanted to be alone for awhile to straighten out your life, but you dumped me for the replacement without skipping a beat.’ (He had told me when I asked him before if there was someone else, and he said, ‘No.’)
    Him: ‘I needed the time to decide between you and her.’

    After singing my replacement’s praises, he rushed off with my replacement on a Sunday as he doesn’t get to see her enough in spite of them working together virtually every day of the week. I think that they are still together three months later, living it up but don’t know for sure as HE refuses to talk to ME (even for a few minutes on the phone to hear good news from Chumpy Me) because he is not sure whether I will complain. This, after I CONGRATULATED him on securing my replacement. God, I am such a CHUMP! I still have a hard time believing that all this sewage spewed from a guy who was supposedly my friend for decades and had been chumped by his abusive ex-wife. I sometimes wonder how much of the stories I have heard about her are true. Either way, it’s hard for me to believe that he would behave this way, but I need to face reality.

    So much for Mr. Paragon of Virtue (Who knows? Maybe he is honest in his career, although he told me that he didn’t want to immediately tell people at work that he was pursuing (screwing) one of his subordinates–‘in case it didn’t work out.’ Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t want people to know that he was tossing aside his girlfriend, me, who knew most people at his company, some fairly well, for one of his subordinates and dipping his quill in company ink so soon as doing so might tarnish his shiny image.) I hear that if you really love someone, which I think that I did in the case of my ex-boyfriend, you will want the best for him, even if the best for him is someone else (an intimate partner other than you). But part of me still wants the Karma bus to hit these liars–repeatedly, in the form of them not getting to have wonderful intimate relationships with my replacements! You can call me bitter–I am.

    Man, I hope to never again have accounts of such appalling behavior from my intimate partners to report! As I am getting zero offers from guys who are even close to genuine (not scam artists) and compatible with me (I don’t want to date a drug/alcohol addict, even a recovering one, who dropped out of high school and now needs to find a place to stay–sorry), I guess I’m safe! I really hope that someday I can laugh about these pathetic adventures in dating and mating and thoroughly enjoy life! I hope that we all can!

    • RockStarWife 🙂

      I wish I could wrap you in peace and give you comfort…I was where you are for a great long time…and still sojourn there sometimes…spent all my adult years with satan…30 years married…36 together…sigh…yeah…I’ve been, and sat for a long, long, many years where you are…

      …I’m hopin you’ll take my hand and explore this life you and I have been gifted 🙂

      …I read A LOT and walk in nature and spend time with my kids and family …as I’m certain you do too :)…and I am so grateful for having the strength to finally FINALLY 🙂 start looking for ME 🙂

      …ok…nough said… I found this article the other day…WOW 🙂 …really resonated with me and whew! Took off a whole bunch of pressure I was allowing others to put on me (who had never lived through my experience) yet felt the need to tell me to ‘move on’ and ‘get back on that horse!’ (date), STOP LIVING IN THE PAST… ok…walk in my shoes… right 🙂

      Ok…here’s the link 🙂 Hope it helps you like it did me 🙂 Cause we really do ‘got this’ sister 🙂 We just gotta shut out the ‘peanut gallery’ …cause they really have no damn idea what we’ve survived 🙂 Gotta start livin for you sister 🙂 You survived 🙂 And your children now benefit from your strength and integrity!!! 🙂 YOU ROCK 🙂

      https://scott-williams.ca/2017/11/24/why-no-one-ever-listens/

      Self care sister 🙂 Hold your kids close 🙂

      • Jeep Tess,

        Thank you for sending that fascinating article! I started dating too soon after my husband left–while I was still very traumatized and vulnerable. I learned an important life lesson the hard way! I love the idea of drinking eggnog lattes–Wish that I had done that instead of embarking on the relationship with who I thought was Modest Prince Charming Friend of Forever Must Grab Him Now Although I am not Ready to Get Into a Relationship Because If I Wait, Someone Else Take Will Him Off the Market but turned into Big Mistake Dishonest Uncommitted to Me Definitely Not Right for Me (and Perhaps Anyone Else)–at least the way he is now pushing 50.

        Regarding self-care, I am training for a triathlon, bodybuilding contest this year and trying to expand my technical repertoire to advance my career. No more living through my partners and bending over backward trying to support them in their lives (careers), especially when they don’t notice my effort or just don’t care! I am going to invest in my kids and ME–what I should have done all along! I also feel done trying to find a partner–way too much money, effort, heartache, and humiliation for the little benefit I have reaped.

        I hope that you are doing well. You certainly have earned any enjoyment you can obtain from the finer things in life (time with family, observation of nature, etc.)

        • (((((((RockStarWife))))))) 🙂

          Right there with you too RockStar 🙂 …yep…tried dating myself for a bit…then I just…sat down and breathed 🙂

          Good for you! I walk Beau daily and exercise, hike 🙂 Good for our bodies, souls and minds! 🙂

          …this article might resonate with you like it did me… 🙂

          http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/remembering_our_roots

          Sweet dreams and warm comfort to you dear woman 🙂 Goodnight 🙂

    • “I hear that if you really love someone, which I think that I did in the case of my ex-boyfriend, you will want the best for him, even if the best for him is someone else (an intimate partner other than you).”.

      No. You don’t have to wish someone you used to love any harm, but the way in which XBF ended your relationship obviates any need for you to wish him well. If a criminal stabs you in the back, you don’t turn around and wish him a light jail sentence or acquittal. “Love” is a decision, and you, RSW, can make the decision to not love XBF. It will take time, it will take effort, it will take paying attention to his ACTIONS, not the persona he has tried to cultivate.

      Love yourself first. You are an intelligent, compassionate, interesting woman. Neither your XH nor your XBF were worthy of you on tons of criteria. Loving yourself, in this case, means letting go of loving XBF or of wanting to share even good news with him. Broadcast your good news here, among people who care about you and will share your joy. (If I wasn’t at the tail-end of a hectic semester, I would come kidnap you for a girls’ weekend to get back your mojo. Sending hugs!)

      • Hi Tempest,

        Thank you for sharing much wisdom and providing support that is spot on! I think that I am starting to emerge from the darkness triggered by abandonment by my husband and the boyfriend after him. As I don’t feel as though I can trust anyone else after abuse/mistreatment by intimate partners over the decades, I am pouring my time and money into investment in ME, as I trust MY intentions to benefit the world, especially my relatives and true friends, not these fake friends and traitorous partners.

        Hope that you soon get a well-deserved break. That girls’ weekend sounds great! Time for some Genuine Chump Get-togethers!

  • Just a minor laugh – but during my second chumping – a project boyfriend who at age 37 still hadn’t managed to accumulate any savings – finally took my advice and opened a savings account at the bank.

    He had been clearly unable to live within his cash flow, and this was my suggestion as to how to save first and spend what’s left. I could never figure out what he pissed his money away on, but of course after the fact realised he was buying stuff for penniless OW.

    He came home one day and cheerfully announced that he’d finally opened a savings account and deposited £500. I asked whether he had gotten a fee-free account – his reply ‘no, the annual fee comes to £89’. When I pointed out that an account that pays 1% will only earn you £5 per annum on £500….he said ‘but we get free car breakdown service with it’.

    We didn’t have a car. It only occurred to me later that this was part of his plan to abscond with OW and my money.

  • Back before DDay #1 with his current whore, she & her husband and me & mine were all “best friends” and hung out all the time. Just before the time I cut her out of my life because of my suspicions, I can’t say how many times we’d all be talking about stuff, and she always already knew about whatever it was my husband was talking about.

    He’d say: Oh, didn’t I tell you about that?

    Well, no, no you didn’t *jackass*.

  • I guess my first “gotcha” moment was when I asked The Coward if he was sleeping with the Rescue Twat AND me. He pretty much gloated that yes, he was. He sure wasn’t using protection with ME, but maybe her? Yeah…. He feebly attempted to reassure me. Yeah, he was using protection.

    Later, I warned him that she could get pregnant, and I wouldn’t be be super happy about that, nor would he, likely. Yet, I’ve always known what a thrill that is for him–unprotected sex. No pills, no condoms, nothing–the risk of pregnancy is a thrill for him. Well, it was when he was with me.

    NOOO, he emphasized, “She’s too old to get pregnant.” I laughed. I work in a county FULL of wealthy middle-aged women who have delayed pregnancy. And they get pregnant. It isn’t easy, but it’s not something one rules out as a possibility. He (and she, I take it) were counting on her 45 years of age to protect her from (her first?) pregnancy. Oh, and, he rationalized to me, if she were able to easily get pregnant, she’d have had kids, but she never did.

    “Sooooo, you’re NOT using protection then, are you,” surmised I.

    And his reply, a sheepish, dumb-ass, hand-in-the-cookie-jar, “Uh, no….”

    I called him every name in the book, including liberal use of “Idiot!” and variations thereof. Because he’s a coward AND an idiot.

    • WHY do they admit this stuff when they don’t have to and when they lie about so much anyway? My ex told me he never used protection on his skank married whore. While I’m glad I know I am baffled as to why he would admit this. Was he secretly proud? Trying to make me even angrier? Just an idiot? Probably a bit of all the above.

      • They don’t even SEE us. We’re not humans, anyone to love and protect, anyone to empathize with. We’re just devices, appliances. We got so good at accommodating them, being their confidantes, making things easy for them, congratulating them. I do believe after the affair, this gets worse–we are seen as maternal, sexless drones who do laundry and manage children’s appointments, and cheaters’ appointments, too, of course. So they sort of converse at us, sharing their day and their excitement, without once considering how painful it all is to us. This is one theory of mine. We’re just one of the guys, or maybe we’re their mom-role now. Sometimes they’ll say, “This has nothing to do with you.” It’s certainly a weird phenomenon once you get away from it–you can really see it for what it is.

        • Stephanie,
          I hear you on the ‘We’re just devices, appliances..conversing at us, sharing their excitement, without once considering how painful it all is to us. We’re just one of the guys, or maybe we’re their mom-role now.’ I felt that way when my ex-boyfriend dumped my stuff off, excitedly told me how great my replacement (new girlfriend) was, and rushed off to see her. Hate people like this, my ex-boyfriend. Sadly, I’m nowhere near Meh.

          In the very remote chance that I ever again get involved in an intimate relationship, which seems about as likely as discovering that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny really exist, I hope that my partner will hold me in high esteem, feel proud of me, permanently view me as both a friend and a LOVER, and not lie to me as he is too ethical a person and brave enough to tell the truth, want to be with me instead of passive-aggressively pushing me away (while still my boyfriend) and invalidating me when I said I missed him, and not, without warning, run away at the first sign of perceived difficulty for him!

          • Oh, sweetie! I want that for you, too. You will love again. Watch for signs of reciprocity all along the way. Make sure he’s LISTENING to YOU and working with you to do things for both of you that you BOTH want.

            It can happen. You’re still raw, my dear. You will heal.

            Hugs.