Elli flung this tasty nugget to the UBT: “We tried to stop so many times, but we couldn’t.”
Yes, it’s just one sentence, but so layered and complex in its bullshit.
Let’s break this down.
1.) Pity the cheaters for they have a compulsion. So many times they tried to stop! But like a moth is drawn to the flame, or toddlers must pick their noses, they could not stay away…because…
2.) THEIR LOVE IS JUST TOO ALL-POWERFUL. It tilts planets off their axis! It crushes Buicks like wilted tissues! It unclogs drains! THEY WERE NO MATCH for such a force.
3.) You can’t be mad, because hey, they TRIED. They put up a gallant fight to preserve their mild affection for controlling, sexless ol’ you. But they failed. Give credit where credit is due. Once they were faithful for an entire 36 hours. That should count for something, but of course you lack the sophistication to understand and APPRECIATE such effort.
But hey, what’s important here is their happiness. And isn’t that what really matters? I’m sure you’ll be happier too without that second income or grown-up to raise children with. (Children live on air, in glass bowls, and you just sprinkle a few kids flakes in there a couple times a week. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE COMPLAINING ABOUT.)
Tell them I’m happy. Ergo they are happy. And no more kid flakes today. Daddy has some happiness to pay for over at the massage parlor.
The art appears in Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life (Hachette 2016) and is copyrighted by Tracy Schorn.