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UBT: “We tried to stop so many times, but we couldn’t”

Sometimes people send the Universal Bullshit Translator single sentence snacks, kinda like throwing fish to a sea lion. Gobble, gobble, nom, nom…That all ya got?

Elli flung this tasty nugget to the UBT: “We tried to stop so many times, but we couldn’t.”

Yes, it’s just one sentence, but so layered and complex in its bullshit.

Let’s break this down.

1.) Pity the cheaters for they have a compulsion. So many times they tried to stop! But like a moth is drawn to the flame, or toddlers must pick their noses, they could not stay away…because…

2.) THEIR LOVE IS JUST TOO ALL-POWERFUL. It tilts planets off their axis! It crushes Buicks like wilted tissues! It unclogs drains! THEY WERE NO MATCH for such a force.

3.) You can’t be mad, because hey, they TRIED. They put up a gallant fight to preserve their mild affection for controlling, sexless ol’ you. But they failed. Give credit where credit is due. Once they were faithful for an entire 36 hours. That should count for something, but of course you lack the sophistication to understand and APPRECIATE such effort.

But hey, what’s important here is their happiness. And isn’t that what really matters? I’m sure you’ll be happier too without that second income or grown-up to raise children with. (Children live on air, in glass bowls, and you just sprinkle a few kids flakes in there a couple times a week. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE COMPLAINING ABOUT.)

Tell them I’m happy. Ergo they are happy. And no more kid flakes today. Daddy has some happiness to pay for over at the massage parlor.

The art appears in Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life (Hachette 2016) and is copyrighted by Tracy Schorn. 

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  • I got the same load of shit from my cheating ex. It also translates to: “We knew it was wrong, but it was so fun we did it anyway.” #sorrynotsorry

    • I’d already decided to divorce now-XW, but the night before I told her was a classic!

      When I got back to our apartment from night school, she wasn’t home. No note. No text. No phone call explaining where she was. And she didn’t arrive home until 2:00 a.m., drunk. I wasn’t there by then, as I’d gone for a walk to clear my head and mentally prepare for the next day when I’d tell her, “So long.” Of course, that fucked with her head, because she was expecting me to be in bed, sound asleep, when she stumbled in sexting the OM with one hand and chugging water to sober up in the other.

      The next day, after I left her booze-stank body in bed and went to work, she e-mailed me to tell me she had met OM in a bar to tell him the affair had to stop…but that they got drunk and made out instead. Clearly, she thought I somehow knew/saw what she’d done, so her plan was to “confess” and claim that she couldn’t help herself.

      Just LOOK at her good intentions: she tried to break it off with him…by meeting him in person…in a bar…and not telling her husband about the meeting…and then pounding some beers to make the breakup easier. Look at ALL THAT EFFORT she put into stopping. It’s such a mystery as to why they ended up making out instead of breaking up. There must have been some mystical force of nature at work that overrode ALL THAT EFFORT. Couldn’t be stopped.

      What a crock of SHIT!

      They never intended to stop. It was just something that they told themselves (and us).

      And regardless, intentions are not what matter. Actions matter.

      • Ex and Schmoopie “broke up” three or four times during the six weeks or so of our attempt at reconciliation. First he broke up with her so he could reconcile with me. Then she made him come see her in person so she could break up with him because she decided he should reconcile with me. Somehow or other they ended up breaking up again a few more times before he decided to give up on me and move out. I sometimes wonder if they still break up off and on or if they are all good now that he and I are divorced, but I guess I really don’t need to know.

        • Yes, the in-person breakup, from an AP. As soon as this breakup MUST be in-person, you know what it’s really for.

          A friend of my now XW, believing her when she said she wanted to stay married, told her that she should quit her job to get away from the OM. My wife found that suggestion to be totally ridiculous, as she felt she had a “right” (her word) to explore her feelings.

          It ain’t what they say; it’s what they do.

            • Yes. Mine told me he had to let her down gently because he’d ruined her life. And I caught him a few times “letting her down gently”. He had no problem tying a cinder block to my ankles and pushing me off the bridge after 20 years of marriage.

              • Mine couldn’t break up with her again because he had hurt her so much and besides, if he did that she would never trust anyone else again. He had worked so hard at peeling off layers he couldn’t possibly cause to become hardened again.

          • Yes, I got this too. After he broke it off with her over the phone to attempt reconciliation with me, she demanded that they meet in person for “closure.” Of course, he felt he “owed” her this, even though I asked him not to do it. So the next time he traveled to her location for business, they got together and he lied about it to me. The logic of the home-wrecking whore needing “closure” and the cheating asshole feeling like this was legitimate still boggles my mind. And of course, the affair continued another six months after their closure fuckfest anyway.

      • I got the story that the affair started, but then my STBX knew that it was wrong so she wasn’t in contact with AP for 2 months, during which time she worked really hard on our marriage. Then she knew that it wasn’t working so she went back to the AP. Of course, I knew nothing about any of this while it was going on. I knew she wasn’t very happy, and I was doing everything I could to please her. When I found out later, she felt I should have known. I told her that I didn’t suspect her of anything because I don’t operate that way, I trusted her. That apparently was yet another way in which I just wasn’t doing things right.

        • And of course, because she couldn’t be alone, she had to branch-swing to the OM when things weren’t working out with you.

          Just goes to show how little it was about your relationship and how much it was about her wanting cake.

          • Yes, mine did that, too. I found his sexual harassment notes about the affair from 8 years prior; haven’t yet twigged that the most recent emotional abuse is due to his being in a current affair (and he takes the current affair partner to China with him on a conference 3 days after D-day). When he returns home, it becomes clearer to him he is not going to finesse his way out of the affair-from-8-years ago, and I suspect he breaks up with China girlfriend. But once I become intent on divorce, Hannibal Lecher convinced her to leave her own husband to be with him.

            How’s that working for her? Last I heard, she was about to go on antidepressants after 1.5 years with Hannibal.

            • Hahahahahaaaaa!!!!

              Aaaaaaaaawwwwww, poor Grad-whore.

              I wonder how many Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s good little Catholic girl Mrs. Dumb-Ass prays daily with The Evil One

              Id wager a Rosary or two. Ask me how I know…

        • That rings a bell Canada. Mine told me I should have known she was lying and cheating.

          • Which means you’re not man enough to reign her in by dancing or force. I’m not man enough either, but I was man enough to help my attorney wrote an amazing “Schedule A” for the second count on my surprise divorce filing.

            • This experience has upended my understanding of what is manly. I thought my ex was manly for being athletic and carrying a gun and wanting to protect people. (Aside: He didn’t want to protect people, he wanted to exploit his authority to feel secure and powerful.) Turns out that those things don’t make you anything. *Actually* protecting people (including your own family) makes you manly. Holding strong boundaries makes you manly. Choosing the right thing over the easy thing is manly. Showing up when you’re needed, and then doing the thing that’s needed of you is manly. (They’re all womanly, too.)

              I now view my ex as a pathetic overgrown teenager. Nothing about him feels manly anymore. But the men in my life who show up? They are manly as hell.

              • That helps, FreeVix. It’s pretty easy to feel inadequate and unmanly after learning your wife was a serial cheater over a 20-year marriage, especially with all the slights and exploitation that comes with a person like that. Sometimes hearing the situation reframed can help change your perspective. Thank you.

              • Very well said, Free Vix. My ex was a tall, strong military Colonel. Came from three generations of them. I thought he was an alpha male with a big heart who put the country ahead of himself. I learned that each generation hid serial cheating and family abandonment behind the uniform. I remember my ex blaming his grandmother’s “anger” at his grandfather’s cheating for the poor state of THEIR marriage. This family was no more evolved than teenagers and surrounded by enablers.

          • It’s good to hear from Men too.
            Shows that cheating is less a gender specific behavior than it is character.

            It’s difficult for me to trust men right now.

            • Indeed, dandoopy, that’s one of the reasons I liked this place when I found it; hearing from faithful women having the same emotions as I was gave me a glimmer of hope that. it every human was evil.

              Also, I too had the distinct pleasure like others here of knowing mone broke up with her fuck toy to be with me. It’s cold comfort, but he knows she dumped him for me too.

              If they’ll cheat with you they’ll cheat on you, bruh.

      • Yes, words out of a cheater’s mouth are absolutely worthless. Once you’re a liar, you’re a liar. Their actions are harder to mask. They both spoke loud and clear there.

        Oh, and they also “tried” to stop after you were divorced, after I found out, and when she was doing the pick-me dance so hard she told him to fight for me, because po’ little her got served divorce papers without the requisite drama. I love your response that it wasn’t that you were unwilling to fight, just that she proved herself not worth fighting for.

  • “Our marriage was over anyway”……I guess I was the only one who didn’t get that memo.

    • Yeah, I was told the same thing. I’m convinced they use the same cheater’s handbook…

      • I got the same line, along with “we weren’t getting along,” which was news to me.
        Over time (while pursuing AP) X continued to criticize me more finding fault with just about everything.
        My infractions included, parking too close too the house, not loading the dishwasher correctly,
        One day after asking our son to turn his stereo down and later to empty the garbage, with our teenage son in the room X claimed I was being unreasonable. X continued his lecture continued with his concern that I had a mental illness.
        X became more distant and uninterested in family activities which he blamed on having too much on his mind.
        I think we all know now what x had on his mind among other appendages.
        I’m also certain there’s a Cheaters handbook.

        • My STBXH complained that I left my pillow and blanket out of place on the couch. He could not stand that it made the entire house look “trashy”. This was after I asked him to please take the trash out once in a while…..He would leave bags of garbage piled up next to the garbage can full of his empty liquor bottles. It would smell. I got tired of doing it, and complained that the house was beginning to look like hoarders live here. Yeah, but the pillow and blanket made the house look “trashy”. He was great at defection and projection! Never take responsibility for anything, just find fault with someone else!

          I took the trash out for good this summer…..

          • I started to leave the bag of trash in front of the door so he would trip on it on his way in… That was the only way that lazy would take it out

          • Mine complained that I didn’t stop the kids from leaving pillows and blankets on the couch. Never mind that he was home playing SAHD, it was my job to discipline the kids for failing to meet his standards.

        • Same…I didn’t always make the bed, or always get the mail, etc. He complained about everything I did before I finally confronted him.

          • I left too many pens around the house!! Yes, he said that the reason he moved out was that I was always leaving pens around the house. I picked up all seven pens that I had left around the house and begged him to return. DD #1 six months later. So glad that’s behind me. I’m currently enjoying my X-free life with PENS IN EVERY ROOM.

            • If I could, I’d send you a case of pens for whichever winter holiday you celebrate. My favorite are Uniball Signo 207. Waterfast and archival quality. Better than your cheater, who runs, smears and has low standards.

              • Shout out to all my fellow pen nerds out there!

                Ya know, now that I think about it, a major pet peeve of mine was that CheaterEx never put a pen back after using it. They just… walked away. It was embarrassing when it came time to pay the piano teacher for my son’s lesson and I couldn’t find a pen to write the check! Now my pen cup(s) are always full of all my favorite pens. Another little thing that is just so much better with him gone!

              • Can I just say you made my day…
                I so wish there was an emoji or like button.

            • Mine was “your sense of home decor is horrible”. I am in my new home (divorced) and decorating. I feel liberated but also scared because sadly I internalized his criticism no matter how silly it was. Enjoy your pen filled home!

            • LOL! Oh I love it when something on this blog is just so absurd I really do laugh out loud! “I cheated because of pens” oh good fucking grief. I too wish I could send you a case of pens. Sweet, sweet pen freedom!

              • I didn’t bring his dry cleaning home.

                This proof of complete lack of care (he has so many suits) coincided with my feeling that I was unpaid maid, nanny, home help and child minder. All that was missing was my uniform.

          • Sounds familiar. At the time I had the worst job I’ve ever had. 12 hour days with a 1 hour commute both ways and I was taking night classes to try and get a BS in engineering. And, I failed to do my share of the house work. OM had no such expectations on him. I never complete my BS; settled on an AS in technology.

        • Exactly how it went with me and mr cheaterskates. (He met the love of his life at a skating rink at 57 years of age. She was 49) He was doing everything in his power to try and get me mad and go off on him for several months before the first D day. Losers and cowards. That’s all they are.

          • My STBX I think was trying the same thing. I think she wanted me to get all mad and blow things up, but I was always willing to work to fix our marriage. Things finally had to come out because I just wasn’t willing to throw away a 29 year relationship like she was. Even then, I wanted to work things out, go to counselling, whatever. I shamelessly danced the dance, but no go.

            • We had planned a family trip from Kansas to Colorado and the kids and I were all ready when he came home from work. He tried every which way to start a fight so he could justify not going (I wonder which co worker he planned on fucking that weekend?). I refused to jump at any of his bait. We all stood there silently while he went through some bizarre machinations. He ended up going with us but acted like a nut that whole evening

              • Judas went to Vegas every year and would pick fights with me JUST before he left. It wasn’t until my son told me about his fuck phone that I realized WHY he would try to pick a fight.

        • I got ridiculous ones too-
          The garage was a mess (his stuff)
          My shoes were next to or under the bed (the horror!)
          My closet was a mess (Um-why are you even in my closet?)
          There are too many classics to remember

          It just made him so mad he couldn’t have sex with me dontcha know
          He had to turn to porn, hookers, and rando Craigslist hook-ups

          Then cheater turned the “moving goal post” towards me……….not young enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, etc. You all know the drill.

          I look back on that now & want to throw up!
          Soooo glad that chapter of my life is over

        • Very very amazing!
          I got this same thing from my STBX.
          I was to blame for many things.
          The weirdest one was at our daughters 16th birthday party last March. She asked me why I let her watch old family videos. Her deceased sister was in them quite a bit as she was with our kids alot when they were young. My STBX had requested I find the old family movies so we could watch them with our daughter and her friends. It makes my head spin when I think about how much I tried to change myself over the years. It is embrassing when my story is told and I wonder why I didn’t run away……

        • My texts have too many typos, I didn’t notice and wipe clean the smudges on the wall by the back door, I didn’t fold socks correctly, and I had the nerve to get a bicycle grease stain on my pants biking home from work one day. His biggest complaint, however, was that I was low maintenance and didn’t spend enough on clothes, hair, nails, etc. Oh yeah, and I am not a screamer in the sack no matter how obviously I show enjoyment in other ways. I guess that was a major blow to his fragile ego. If it doesn’t wake the neighbors it didn’t happen.

        • Right!?! I got, “you’re not supportive of my job.” This was after me sacrificing my career for 5 years so he could work his dream job. WTF?!?

        • The Evil One claimed tuat I “neglected” him by playing Candy Crush and Pet rescue too much. Or I spent too much time gossiping with work buddies on the phone…

          Yep, your Honor, its true. I played midless computer games to decompress, while he was chasing tail online and going AWOL all night without a single text or phone call

        • Mine too Brit constantly starting fights with me over nothing issues then I realized it was a ploy to get away to the rat motel with her! I sat for 4 days all alone with two crying kids wondering where daddy was!????

    • Got that too! She said, “I thought we were probably going to get a divorce” so it was OK to lie, cheat, offer no apology, no remorse and no empathy.

        • I got ” I jumped before I was pushed”

          I pointed out that as I had no intention of pushing then how could he have thought such a thing?

          His reply “I just did” – so making up crap to suit.

          waste of oxygen

      • Exactly she said to me I sensed he was lonely the marriage had troubles so I took advantage and destroyed your family!

    • I was told “I thought it didn’t matter as we were going to split up anyway”.

      S’funny that you never let me know when you made that arbitary decision ?!

      • Mine simply said “I deserve to be happy.”

        Yes, this person who vowed to love and protect me, who has been lying, cheating and deceiving me for 20 years deserves to be happy. Me? The honest, loyal person raising his daughter and taking care of the Home? I deserve to be abused.

        What a schmuck.

        • Mine’s version was, “Happiness is out there. . . . (sigh).”

          This was after two months of us being married. Why doesn’t he have the balls not to tie the knot with me if he still thinks happiness is out there?

          • I got, “we both have a long road to happiness”, I called BS. It seems like she was determined to take an F**ing shortcut to happiness. We had been happy together for almost 30 years, or so I was to believe.

        • I know exactly Giddy Eagle mine too I was running the home and chasing after two young kids all day. No excitement for me whatsoever but it was only his happiness that counted!

    • I got the memo after dday, “I told her we haven’t gotten along for the past two years.

      The narrative fit his actions; he was dating for those two years.

      There were a lot of try outs before he found THE ONE. Healthy women don’t buy the lies. It takes a needy wannabe soulmate type to fill the slot.

      • Absolutely, DoingMe!!!

        Same here. God knows how many times he tried before finding his Schmoopie— a chump herself, two little kids, living with her Mommy and daddy, 10 years younger than him, perfect for him.

      • BINGO! Women that latch onto married men are insecure and ow self esteem because if they were with it they don’t need a married man!

    • I also got “our marriage was over anyway” from my then-cheating now-ex-wife, along with another line that’s straight out of the Cheater’s Handbook, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
      Later, her AP also informed me that “Your marriage was over anyway,” to which I replied, “How do you know? Were you there?”
      The AP was also kind enough to let me know that “You never knew the REAL (insert cheater name here).” I had to nod and acknowledge that, as he grinned at me smugly. “You know what? You’re right about that.”
      I told him the only difference between him and me was that he KNEW he was marrying a cheater. Hmmm. No witty riposte on that one.

      • It’s amazing how the same excuses and justifications are everywhere. I got the same thing, but I have never spoken to the AP directly, I only got the BS second hand. I also got, “he’s a lot like you”, which nearly made my head explode. I responded, “he isn’t because I would never do this to anyone”

        • Wow! This thread contains the most similarities to my DDay as any I’ve come across.
          For a long time I felt like I was the only one to go through this.

          Prayers and Christmas wishes to each and everyone here.

        • Canadian Dad, I am where you are. I thought we were happy too! After 27 years, he literally went from “We have the best marraige of anyone I have ever met” to “I did not realize how unhappy I truly was” in a matter of days. (I should say days after OW told him how sexually attracted she was to him and that she wished she could take him upstairs and have her way with him in the rooms next to our sleeping children.) I was told he fell for her because she is so much like me. I just want to vomit. She is not like me! I do not lie, I do not screw married men (she is still married and her poor husband does not know), I do not manipulate people, I do not destroy families. This was six months ago, and my head and heart are still spinning out of control.

          • Tell her husband. He deserves to know that he is in a fraudulent marriage,that his life is a big, fat lie !

        • ha! I got that same line…..”she’s a lot like you.” And i responded just as you did. Do they even HEAR the crap they’re saying….

        • Oh man, some people really can make you crazy. Poop boy told me his AP was “a lot like me”. Right, the woman who didn’t even know Lenin existed, let alone read the guy, is sooooo much like me.

          Ain’t sure who he was living with all those years, but apparently, he didn’t even know them.

    • Funny how cheating correlates with memory problems in cheaters. My cheater also forgot to send me the Memo about “growing apart”. Selective memory lapses: cheater never forgot to eat his cake.

      • Ugh. The growing apart line is pathetic. I got, “our interests diverged”
        Clearly, as I was interested in him and he was interested in the OW

      • Exactly cheaters are selfish pigs that I believe were never really commited to the marriage or family!

    • I missed that memo as well! He tried to tell our kids that we were like “friends” and “roommates.” I didn’t say this to my kids, but I did say to my friends and family, “Gosh, does everyone have sex with their friends and roommates?” Revisionist history: helping cheaters to justify their actions in their own minds since the beginning of the human race.

      • A couple of months before DDay Ex suddenly decided my snoring was too loud so he started sleeping in the guest room. Later after DDay when he admitted he’d been bringing OW to our house while I was at work, he blithely told me that they didn’t fuck in our bed because he showed her to “his room.” So I’m pretty sure he must have told her we were just roommates because he literally had started secretly setting that up in our own house.

        • Ha!

          Asshat attempted to gaslight me in therapy with, “I moved into the 3rd floor guest room after our daughter was born. Flat out lie to the therapist and revisionist history of this ‘marriage’ and my faults. I stated he was flat out lieing to me AND the therapist with a ton of supporting documentation. He response was, “well, I FELT I should move up to the other room because..(insert bullshit HERE).”

          (Therapy was early early early mainly for me to deal with the awful DDay. The incident above predates the MOW I busted him with approx by 16yrs! I have no idea which side piece he was fucking, most likely xhighschool GF or a work rando.)

    • He told his lawyer that! From all of the above comments, maybe it’s just as well that he never told me anything. Or, the only plausible explanation is that he really never tried to end it.

  • I got the “I thought I tried”- yeah, well tell that to your kid who’s counting down the days til she can tell you to “Fuck Off” asshole….

    • My ex wanted “effortless”- this working on this marriage was just too taxing for him. He chose the route of “It’s just so effortless when I’m with her”- talk to me next year when the two of them shack up with her two kids… the disordered fuck who willingly gave up his only kid is going to play daddy to hers- bring on the popcorn…

      • Exactly. Being with her is so “effortless”. Perhaps it was because you had zero responsibilities at her house and don’t actually have to parent her kids.

        • Yup, he hasn’t disappointed her and failed to be there when needed with her enough yet so of course it is all effortless. Adulting and raising families is hard and he ain’t interested in the difficult and boring stuff. So entitled.

          • Oh, I forgot the line “I was pulled along more than I actually pursued her.” Of course, because Nothing is Ever His Fault. He is a child.

            • I got this, too. And I actually considered it for a long while. But I kept having nightmares with the AP in them and 1. She showed no remorse and was clearly over it; and 2. she said “None of this would have happened if he didn’t plan it.”
              In my dream!

              When I accepted that this was his plan and all she had to do was go along with it, the dreams stopped.

              Trst that the SUCK!

              • It always takes two to tango. If one or the other has decency, self-respect and boundary, none of it would have happened.

              • Exactly, even though I was ignored and covert-narc abused I managed to go hours and hours (31 years of hours) in a row without cheating on HIM. Because that was MY plan.

          • Bingo. It’s all fun and games when you neglect your responsibilities to be together.

      • This! I got this too. How is anything in this world effortless?

        I got “it wasn’t love as it should be” and “it shouldn’t be so hard.” The effort it takes to maintain a marriage after kids, deaths, jobs, life in general – cheaters can’t deal.

        Mind you STBX NEVER, and to this day, admitted to cheating on me. He moved in with diesel sludge ho worker 4 months after leaving.

      • After DD when I asked him why he gave up on our marriage I was told ” It’s easier to start again with Susie Slutpants than fix things with you”.
        I wonder if she knew she was the “easy option”?

        Years later he has bred 2 thick-piece kids who left school with no qualifications, who stack shelves in Poundland ( UK equivalent of Walmart) and an elderly relative of hers living with them.

        I wonder if it’s still the easier option?

        • It probably still is the easier option. Not the better option but definitely the easier option. They never want to make any effort. The effort to raise their children well. The effort to leave a good proper doormat. Have you ever tried finding a good door mat!?

  • I go this one.
    And I got told that it was no use talking to me about making our marriage better because “People don’t change”, “We share nothing in common” (like Kids, 15 Years), “The flowers you bought me meant nothing because they just died anyways”, “We were not friends”…….

    I’ll just play in my head the “People don’t change”, so that means you are a back stabbing, self centered liar, and I see no reason to be friends with you.

    “Hark yee No contact, listen as the silence sings”, Merry f’n Christmas…

    • “People don’t change”, “We share nothing in common”. I got these too. The thing is, he seems perfectly willing to change or at least pretend to change for Schmoopie. He hated Harry Potter, Ballet and Musicals but she likes them so now all of a sudden he likes those things too. His opinions are morphing to match hers. Daughter says she likes to point out how he really feels about things in front of her when he knows their views conflict. The usual result is “I don’t think that, well ok, maybe before but not anymore”. He must not be truly comfortable in the relationship yet if he still feels like he has to agree with her on everything. The truth is ex and Schmoopie don’t really have anything in common either other than a willingness to fuck other people’s spouses and tear families apart while still trying to convince everybody that they are good people and their relationship is normal and good. Barf!

      • Ditto! Schmoopie don’t really have anything in common either other than a willingness to fuck other people’s spouses and tear families apart while still trying to convince everybody that they are good people and their relationship is normal and good. Barf!”

        What X has in common with whore in addition to narc with no integrity or compassion or empathy: daily drug use (pot, snorting adderral, coke) and smoking and drinking $3K of alcohol per month, “hates” kids (including his own and he told our 4 kids (ages 27–10) that! ????????????????????????????), hates “Home” and “furniture” (?????). WTF???? Losers.

        Btw— if anyone is in Paris for the next 10 days and you see two disgusting obnoxious Americans — that’s them (we never went anywhere because he said we couldn’t afford it).

        he: 50 yo, fat, balding, ugly as hell, 6’4, blonde with shark-eyes and her: 35 yo super skinny with big boobs, huge chin with dollar signs where her eyes should be. Please feel free to tell them off!

        • P.S. I’m hoping to God that the Parisian narcotics cops are working overtime and pop these two so they can spend X-MAS in jail (they first thing they’ll need to do when they land today is score their drugs).

          Please karma bus!!!!! Please please please!!!!!!

        • Great description Motherchumper99.
          My sympathies to the city of Paris for being obliged to host these two.

      • The countdown clock to their demise is ticking. This needs popcorn! On their future DDay surely he will blame her for everything, mock her preferences and have disdain for why they always have to go to that fucking movie/ballet/etc.(she is sooo controlling!) and declare he never loved her at all. Too bad you don’t get to have a front row seat to that shit show.

    • OMG! Laughingsquirreal, that’s one of the things
      X said to me, “we have nothing in common.” why did’nt that occur to him 20 years ago? Really, it took him 20 years to decide we had nothing in common. like you, we have a child, 20 years sharing a life together, major moves, furloughs, family vacations, birth of our son, first home, pets, our families, our memories all thrown away like a bag of garbage.

      • My ex basically said the same. 39 years together and 37 married (he pursued me relentlessly while we were in college). We had a beautiful daughter (Homecoming Queen and everything else a parent could ever want) 6 precious furbabies, 4 different homes and the hundreds of things you go through in 39 years together. He threw it all away for a twice married whoreworker who is 42 and never had kids and is not attractive at all (he is 60). Guess in the end he was right, we really have nothing in common!

      • This BS line seems to get used a lot. My STBX said it to me too, we shared almost 30 years together, 3 children, a number of hobbies, countless hours together. I guess the parts we didn’t have in common, like messing around, breaking 2 families apart, feeling that promises made a long time ago just don’t count anymore were what she was talking about.

      • Yes, I heard, “We have nothing in common but the kids,” after 36 years together.

        Nothing in common but 36 years of history and a family.

        • I had nothing in common with The Coward, either. Except 20+ years, 3 kids, 2 houses, grad school, vacations, friends, inside jokes, sex. Nothing at all.

  • I love this image so much because it is TRULY what Mr. Sparkles and the final OW looked like… when I saw it in the book, it was all I could do to not cut it out and frame it for them.

    Sadly, they’re no longer together because the love that could not be denied was apparently lopsided (he kept on cheating with other people – the OW wasn’t SOOOOO special afterall.) Mr. Sparkles one true love is kibbles.

    But while they were fawning all over each other (after he moved out), it killed me. THEY went fun places… THEY did things together… THEY LIVED. Meanwhile, I was doing the laundry, grocery shopping, and picking up the pieces of my broken family.

    CN – if we can only keep the beginning of the end in context: ALL relationships start off with endorphin highs. But, just as our marriages did, the highs become right-sized and with luck become something much deeper and long – lifelong – lasting. The fuckwit cheaters are sprinters. They don’t have what it takes to run the marathon. Sure, the upside is they get fleeting happiness. But, the downside, which I can only now see from three years out, is they will never truly know or FEEL deep abiding love… not from a partner, not from their kids, not from within their own selves. You couldn’t pay me to switch places.

    • I couldn’t agree more. Like I said above, my ex loves “effortless”- that won’t last forever. Let’s see where he runs when the sparkle wears off and he actually has to work at whatever they have. Not my problem anymore…can’t wait for the day my kid turns 18 and I can change my phone number.

    • Just proves how superficial they are. I’ve been watching The Lowe Files with Rob Lowe and his sons. Not only is he totally gorgeous probably the most attractive thing about him, in my opinion, is his commitment to his wife of 26 years. We can only imagine the amount of beautiful women that have tried to tempt him throughout his career, but he says his wife is his best friend and not only does he love her, he likes her too. Now THAT is a real man, sexy as hell

      • I don’t know, he creepy gushes about how great his 1989 ménage sex tape (with a 16 and 22 year old) was, and how it spurred him to the path of sobriety. A grown man having a three-some with a 16 year old. Filmed it. Kudos to turning your life around, but ever stop to think about her “amazing” post-tape life, Rob?

        • I really disagree with you 2nd Gen Chump. I don’t know too much about the tape incident only that from my understanding the two girls consented. The guy was only 25 years old at the time and shortly after met his wife who he’s been faithful to it seems ever since – a total of 26 years. Did you never do anything wild in your youth? He’s since shown a maturity, commitment and loyalty to one woman, those of us posting on here can only dream about. He’s had the looks, money and fame that must have attracted women like moths to a flame yet he appears to have put his marriage first. Most of our cheaters weren’t equipped with a fraction of those attributes or temptations but cheated anyway.

          I think he deserves some credit rather than judgement for a decades old incident in his youth that unlike many of us has been memorialised because of his fame.

    • Ha! Same thing went down with my ex as she ran off with the OM, soon grew tired of him, and did it again. She married and divorced several times and today lives a sad, lonely life. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer Sad Sausage (or would you call her a Sad Taco?).

    • They live, we pick up pieces. We see the hurt and anger in our children’s eyes. Thanks for the reminder that it gets better.

  • How bout some co parenting gems from the cheater and wifey#4?

    1) from wifey poo to my kiddos as she explains why she can’t possibly attend their activities even though she drags them to her kids activities every time I do the hostage handoff: “I can’t possibly go to your play bc your mom sits next to me and wants to be my best friend” (I get there first and she sits in the row behind me.,,she hasn’t attended since she slapped my oldest and was court ordered to stay away from,her for 2 years)

    2) mom stole our weekend with you this month- no this is my vacation….like you got in March and June.

    3) we do pay for….

    Stop lieing out of your lieing lie hole.

      • So courts aren’t great with people who kill stepmothers who,just gave birth.

        I got an RO on behalf of my 2 kids and made her and ex jump through shitloads of therapy and pay for the GAL.

        They have all been better behaved since then…but yes I want ed to rip her limb from limb…but you know…be the sane parent.

        Having 70% physical custody helps.

        • You are a model to us all, Love Dovey! I hope your kids are weathering this challenge well.

          I have noticed my older child does not particularly like drama in personal relationships. I think this is great, and I have a sneaking suspicion this is a side effect of watching so many years of the It-Is-All-About-Me Show put on by my EX. I hope your daughter internalizes the idea that being hit is absolutely not acceptable.

  • I could really use a love that can unclog drains and toilets too! That’s true love!

    • Staryeye, stick with me, I’ll help you! 2 weeks ago I unclogged the main sewer line for both bathrooms (sinks, toilets and showers.) Didn’t even break a sweat. (Thank you YouTube!)

      • I dealt with a domestic sized fatberg. We should rock on with our awesome selves.

        All though this was my job even during marriage.

        • DO NOT flush anything other than toilet paper down the toilet!

          Apparently the biggest cause of blockages are BABY WIPES. They are made of polyester, they do not dissolve, please put them in the bin!

      • How??!! I need to know nomoreskankboy!

        PS: I thought I would always be sad when the divorce was final, but no. I’m happy. Glad he’s gone.

    • My Minister called me one night about 7:00 pm. Something was wrong with his car, and he had a funeral to officiate in another town the next day. I stayed up all night rebuilding his transmission. Free. Of. Charge.

      I had no idea he had been banging my wife for a year.

      My Christmas wish is for the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs to get their asses kicked in their upcoming bowl game.


      • #jawdrop

        PreyingMantis would ask me to redo the resumes of “friends”, if by “friends” you mean affair partners. But this doesn’t even begin to hold a candle to the chutzpah of your former OMinister.


      • I hate him for you, SuperDuper! That is all kinds of messed up! The gall…..Worst kind of sick, the Jesus-cheaters.
        Cheaterpants ex was one of those BARF!
        Please remember: God hates cheaters just as much or possibly even more than we do (Rev 21:7)

        {{{HUGS}}} to you SuperDuper as you ForgeOn!

      • With your knowledge the revenge fantasies must be great, far better than just sugar in the gas tank. I admit when OW#1 was in the picture 9 years ago I dreamt of ways to have her house blow up due to my specific career technical knowledge and sabotage abilities. Never did a thing to her but it did make me feel better. I am sure it would have just martyred her in my X fuckwit’s eyes. Honestly, I read Kathleen’s story here of the OW gettting killed in a car wreck and praise karma but her fuckwit just hopped on the next one. I am sure that is what mine would have done too. There is always someone more special than their family out there for these asshats.

        • Oh heavens. I hope Schmoopie doesn’t die until after he figures out what a waste of space she really is. Otherwise she will be forever on the pedestal as he pines for what would have been if the perfect woman hadn’t been torn from his life so prematurely. I hope she lives a good long miserable life.

      • This shit is so twisted.

        Asshat asked me to guide one of his fuckbuddies around Rome because she is a clueless twat and of course I was happy to help.

        What kind of sick creep gets off on this? Oh yeah, cheaters and other disordered sociopaths.

      • I myself have issues with TCU that I can’t disclose. Boiling water too easy a fate.

      • Ugggh! A minister banging the wife of a married man! Fucking deplorable!

  • The cartoon….the post………that’s some funny stuff.

    Bottom line – there are some really ridiculous people out there, and unfortunately we all married one of them.

    • The sad part is until we go no contact we often believe some of their crazy-making lies! And wonder if we were deficient – not fun enough – too focused on kids – not as sexy as affair partner etc! It takes a while to find their comments funny – as in mine telling me “I️ know it doesn’t make sense but I️ need to see where this other relationship is going”.
      Yeah – I️ was plan B after over 30 years vs true love with 26 ur younger ho-worker

  • How about you have a man who had an 8 month realtionship with some skank and was still messing around with other people. No love just sex men and women. Gotta love tha Craig’s list . Threw away his family for pure sex even though he little dingy can’t get it up . Now that I’m
    Divorcing his ass after I made sure the kids could handle the truth . 2 years I waited because I knew that my daughter would never leave me and go to college and the boy would have partied way toooo much from the disclosure of the truth. Not the getting his little dingy sucked by a man I kept that in my back pocket for negotiations. This man cries and cries. He thinks it’s not fair that I made him retire at 48 just so I could get half his pension. He ruined everyone’s life not for love or an OW he ruined everyone’s life for his little dingy that he can’t get up. Oh yeah the porn and I’m pretty sure sex parties. But I’m sooooo mean for taking half. These people are sick I never in my life would have thought this of him. He always said that I believe the best in people and I’m nieve. Not so much ass wipe I made you retire with the understanding that I would stay. How does it feel to be chumped ? Every month when half of your pension isn’t there you can thank your special little dingy. No love just sex. Demented

  • I was addicted and couldn’t stop!! It was an addiction I tell you, oh wait no it was a midlife crisis, oh uh it was really temporary insanity!! I know it was killing you, crushing you everyday for months, but hey I couldn’t feel your pain because I wasn’t the one being cheated on. So we should just forget about it and move on, stop asking uncomfortable questions you are just spinning your wheels because I’m not going to be honest, it is just a bump in the road, honestly I’m so disgusted by my behavior that I will never ever ever do it again, I promise, trust me, I want you, I want our family.

    • TxDude,
      I got all of those as well. It’s painful to have to come to grips with the fact that she doesn’t live by the same set of rules that you and other non-narcissists abide by.

      Do not allow yourself to be lulled into living in a state of denial. Discovering her continued aberrant behavior will become more difficult as she learns how to better hide it from you. The cat-and-mouse marriage police game gets old and it’s exhausting. Is this what you signed up to become? An amateur detective? You will never fully trust her. She knows it, too, and deep down she lacks the ability to care about what she’s doing to you.

      In fact, by hanging in there to show her what you feel is devotion, she now interprets as “training” you accept her outrageous behavior. The next “slip up” and lame excuse is an inevitability.

      GTFO and start your new life ASAP. Don’t waste the precious time you have on this planet tethered to a disordered fuckwit who is only too willing to keep you around as collateral damage to her self-focused existence.

      A future without her can seem unknown and intimidating. But why live in a house that’s being destroyed by a slow-moving fire just because finding and moving into a new house is outside your comfort zone and full of strangeness? Logic should tell you that in your present situation you’ll end up standing in a pile of ashes. Waiting it out is a fool’s game.

      And allow me to add a little more perspective to all of our situations with the following:

      I exist today because my father’s mother made the excruciating decision to escape Europe with her children just before the Nazi war machine invaded her home country. She and her husband reluctantly made the decision to split the family, albeit temporarily, until they could be sure their children would be safe to return home. Her husband and all those who stayed behind to preserve their houses, businesses and possessions were wiped out. Everything was destroyed. There was nothing to go back to. She left the comfort of her home and the only life she knew and landed on the shores of America with very little. But she survived, and she and her children slowly established themselves in a new, foreign home and thrived. And they eventually had families and their families thrived! How grateful I am for my strong, little (literally, she was like 4’10”) grandma who went on to outlive two more husbands and raise nine children. And all I had to do was leave a narcissistic cheater and move to a new apartment.

  • I just have to say. This man is no rock star in the bed either. So I have no idea what the hell it was all about. Makes me just laugh at him. What an embarrassment to be married to someone like this for 23 years. I knew the moment I found out June 30 2015 it was over it was just a matter of when. Hope all the sex is worth the money jackass.

  • I got “I felt bad every time I did it.” Then why did you do it?

    You know what really feels REALLY bad? Being cheated on.

    • I was told by Cheaterpants, that every time he met Susie Slutpants they agreed that “it was so awful having to have this wonderful relationship with all this guilt” !?

      Obviously that pair of immoral, low-life, slimeballs didn’t feel guilty enough to stop it though…..

        • I asked ex what he said to his schmoopies to make them think fucking him was an ok thing to do. He response was “Nothing. Nobody thought it was ok”. They still did it though.

          • Nothing about how much hypocrisy cheaters can produce surprises me any more. There is no limit to the the moral gymnastics they go through.
            Sometimes I wonder which would be worse: hearing a cheater say, like mine, that it was all wrong and yet she did it anyway, or having to listen why it was morally ok. I suppose either way, you’re eating a shit sandwich, so it doesn’t matter.

    • Wow now that is a whole new level of pathetic. Sorry that happened to you. Your cheater didn’t really feel bad, maybe a little bit guilty but definitely not bad. From the mouth of a cheater, “I don’t feel your pain because I’m not the one being cheated on.”

  • I got, “We never even had a real marriage anyway.”

    So I guess that wedding ceremony and those vows in front of all our friends and family, and those 15 years together, and our child, and sleeping together and the intimacy for all those years, and all those family vacations, and all the “I love you’s“, and the plans we made together were NEVER REAL.

    Turns out the only thing she thought was real was her secret life as the town bike. Then I found out and shit got REAL! Then an attempt at wreckonciliation, then discovering more of the same secret life, then a REAL divorce.

    Now I’m REALly grateful to be rid of her and living a REAL life that’s free of her narcissistic drama.

    • I had one of those sham marriages too. I mean I didn’t know at the time when we were doing all of those REAL things it wasn’t REAL. Wish I had been told we were just play acting until he found something REAL. But like you I am REAL glad to be shed of that asshat at last.

    • I’m trying to R with my cheater, she says her affairs were not real, that our marriage and life together is what’s real? She is the master of mindfuckery. !

      • TxDude… google the following: gaslighting; blameshifting; pathological lying.

        Or, take another tack, look at everything she has put you through (real or imagined). Would you tell your son to stay with someone like that? Is this a person who has the same moral character as you?

        Or yet another tack, let’s say you reconcile… and some day off in the future she finally finds the “right” sucker and leaves you… what will be your sunk costs vs. cutting bait now?

        YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS… SHE IS SHOWING YOU. Watch her actions. Her words are worthless.

  • I got “the damage was already done after the first time, so carrying on didnt matter” ????????

  • Feel free to tackle:
    “ It was just sex. Guys are physical, girls are emotional. For a guy it’s nothing more than getting off.”

    True story, this is what my ex said to me after d day number 2.
    I seriously think he thought this may make me feel better about the whole thing.

  • So true! After Dday, my cheater always wanted points for “trying” too. They act like it is some Sisyphean task to not stick their penis in a strange vagina, when literally all they have to do is NOTHING. Leave your penis right in your pants, go about your daily work. Literally DO nothing in order to not fool around.

      • I wasn’t aware that some people’s parts just fly around like that. Mine has been able to stay where I put it for the past 49 years.

    • Ha ha. My one didn’t mean to get her pregnant apparently. Maybe the should read a book about how babies are made

    • When my brother was a teenager, my dad always used to tell him: “KYPIYP”: Keep Your Pecker In Your Pants. Pretty simple concept really, unless you’re an asshat cheater.

  • One of the emails I found he was talking to a friend said “she made me feel young again”. Yep, so would losing 30 pounds and doing something constructive like getting a job. He was remodeling our beach home for retirement and spending evenings at the bar where he met Tramp p. Then spent months enjoying our beautiful beach house with her. I sold it and he moved into a trailer and I divorced him. Now he has money from the divorce and traveling with her and her son. He stopped working again cuz you know he has money. Hasn’t occurred to him that he no longer has a wealthy wife and there is no replacement for that money. They have already broken up and gotten back together several times. Oh well!

    • LOL….notice he has more hair on his chest than on his head wearing REAL sexy tighty-whities!

      • I was going to comment on the cartoon too. I just love the guy’s underpants. Wow. And you know, if you painted him blue he would look like Gladitsover’s dancing sasquatch!

        • Haven’t read the article yet, but the pic has already driven me to comment. He looks like my ex – turkey neck and with slightly more hair. The whore looks like his whore too. So spot on!

        • Every time I think that someone’s Cheater is dysfunctional, I think of the dancing sasquatch. I think that even Kunty Kibbler pales in comparison.

      • Look at his droopy ass!!!!!! Tracy, your details kill me ????????????????????????

    • The cartoon made me giggle, this is exactly X and OW taking themselves way to seriously.

      • Giggling in my office here too!!

        Looks like the ex (balding, hairy, walks with a limp old man) and his young 20-something schmoopie who just adores the MD at the end of that old geezer’s name.

        To our male chumps, I’m not as much knocking the ex’s looks as saying what the hell do the 2 of them find appealing in each other? Young knockers and fat wallet anyone?

      • OW, 15 years younger, was still living at home with her psychiatrist dad and his OWife (they cheated and broke the family up when OW was 3 years old— Cheater-dad and OWife got custody!). Sick sick sick

      • For it to be my ex-husband and his whore the woman has to be older, a mutton dressed lamb. He couldn’t even get cheating right.

        • I said the same thing. She was only one year older than me, same age as him, but still. They are supposed to leave for younger women. He couldn’t even get that right. I guess it doesn’t really matter, however. The older ones suck just as much as the younger ones.

      • Ya think? My X is significantly older than me already, but when he was 56-62, was having affairs with 22-year olds. Even though he’s in good shape, eww.

  • Far be it for me to question the CL UBT, since it’s done all of us so much good and provided so many laughs, but if I could add one item:

    (4) “We couldn’t stop because . . . we liked it.”

    If we know anything about our cheaters, it’s that they rarely if ever do anything they don’t want to do. Think about all of the instances over the years where they begged out of family functions, or parental responsibilities, or any of the things required when you commit to someone, simply because they didn’t want to (regardless of any lies they put up to cover for it). Their ability to resist is oh so strong when it means they can get out of things they don’t want to do.

    So suddenly, when it comes to destructive deception, their iron will disappears? They’e suddenly powerless to resist?

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. They liked the cheating.

    • I agree. They liked it. They felt no guilt, had no remorse, didn’t think of us and family for even a nanosecond! Their ultimate fantasy reality was all they could want.

  • I got ” I jumped before I was pushed”

    I pointed out that as I had no intention of pushing then how could he have thought such a thing?

    His reply “I just did” – so making up crap to suit.

    waste of oxygen

  • At some point soon after D-Day and the assurance she’d ended her double-life. We were watching TV.

    Me, casually but with a feeling of inexplicable dread: “You would never hurt me again, would you?”

    Her, with a small smile, staring into the distance like a child with a secret: “Not intentionally.”

    I knew then she’d never stopped and didn’t love me.

    • David she sucks. As Tracy says in her book, cheating is as intentional as a NATO air strike. She also didn’t protect you from harm either.

    • David2016,

      Wow. “Not intentionally.” I had a similar realization with my ex that i would never get a solid yes or no. After finding she had continued to call her AP during our (thankfully) 3 short months of “working on our marriage” post D day, she got teary and said “I couldn’t help it”. Poor thing, so not in control, despite being a very successful A-type of person. Wah.

      This has been mentioned here a lot, but those passive non-answers really are the pits.

      • I know. As long as she did not inTEND to continue to hurt me even after I point-blank said “What you are doing is hurting me. Please stop hurting me.” It was like I was dealing with a child—albeit like the one in The Twilight Zone episode “It’s a Good Life.”

        • Oh my goodness! It’s a GoodLife

          I thought the same thing! Everyone has to bend to the man-child and approve of his selfish destruction or be sent out into the cornfield.

          Our daughter doesn’t want to see him anymore because she sees behind the mask. He cries about being thrown away. – and now she has been sent to the cornfield – with me.

          She has hurt his feelings.

          He doesn’t care about any feelings he hurt in his aftermath.

          He thinks that because he texts her, “I’m sorry.” For doing rotten mean things that everyone should be happy. What more can he do!??

    • David,

      oh, that smirk. I will never forget.

      IMAGINE getting off on fooling someone.

      You are right. No love.

  • In the immortal words of Yoda:
    Do. Or do not. There is no try

    Our cheaters don’t seem to realize that.

    • Oh Lord, ex ( Miserable Vomitus Mass) always said that to me and the boys in that creepy Yoda voice. Apparently, we were the only ones that had to “do” to please him. He never “did” for us.

      And I got the poor wittle me, “ I tried to be faithful, but I couldn’t take it anymore and had to have my “indiscretions” because you didn’t like sex”. Yep, bj’s from a nurse, a librarian, a happy endings massage worker, a prostitute, an old high school girlfriend, endless amounts of porn, blah, blah, blah. The list goes on. At the end, while he was still living in our old bedroom….I bought tasteful nudes, 1 for each “indiscretion” and hung them on his wall so he’d have to look at them every time he was in there. Funny, when he moved out, he didn’t take even 1 of his art pieces, lol! Guess that would have been hard to explain to the plethora of skanks he planned on having over to the new digs.

      Oh, I’m sorry, he is monogomous with the Adult Friend Finder Whore. He actually said that in an effronted tone. But, hey we are now divorced and he hasn’t yet put a ring on her finger. Wonder what’s holding him up? After all, she “gets” him and can deep throat the best he’s ever had.

      So, glad to be away from him and his weird, creepy bullshit.

    • This quote is forever ruined for me because when my douche’s therapist told me I had to trust the douche, after finding out he’d been cheating on me for 12 of the 14 years we were together and him continuing to gaslight me at every turn, all I could say was I’ll try and he busts out with that Yoda quote, like I was the asshole. Suck it, therapist.

  • UBT was hungry and ate so fast, it missed the word ‘we’.

    Not *I* tried to stop. ‘

    We… you know, that pronoun we adopted on our wedding day? Yeah, there’s a new we in town.

    The new we are a united front. United, you know, like old we were in marriage.

    Also, we outnumber old you.

    We define ourselves as a couple who don’t have individual agency to keep our zipper up.

    We suck.

    • That was something my STBX said too, she threw out a few “we’s” when I was trying to figure out what was going on. It was like a knife straight to the heart. I earned the “we”, I worked every day for my wife and kids for the “we”. She promised the “we”, and all of a sudden it’s gone. Two little letters, big deal to me!

  • He told me no 2 AP gave him a jumper one christmas so he decided to cool it then because she was getting serious and he didnt want that ‘ only fun!

    I got told latest AP 26year old was “fun” . I was too intense at 50…read below for why!

    What is it with these “adults” needing life to be fun fun fun….?
    What planet are they from?
    Peter Pan…..

    My dday was May 2015…following a year of working ” together” for a better marriage after he had given me the ILYBNILWT speech and he wanted a trial separation in May 2014
    At that time i told him if he needed to leave and go and live out all his fantasies etc ( we were eachothers firsts)…then to go. I would not stop him…it was his choice to make….but he should go if thats what he needed to do….( unbeknown to me he was having an Emotional (physical???) Affair with a 26 year old co work – 20 years his junior…he was a senior lawyer…..
    To cut a very long story short he did NOT leave but stayed…we had lots of stressful moments…he suggested I (!) went to therapy for my FOO issues…..whilst he behind my back carried on with his new girlfriend at wotk….exchanging texts…pub drinks…xmas gifts…..In May 2014 I even booked a few days away as a family; b4 xmas ( 2lovely daughters) for family time….and straight after he went back to work he was ordering gold jewellry dog tags so he could make her a personalised necklace…which he did in our garage using my daughters craft letters….and then met up with her for a drink after work ” team drink” lie……..In all my 25years with him he had NEVER put in any such effort for me for any present….
    I only got to find out about all of this continued deception in May 2015 when he got so drunk after my daughters holy communion he had left his permanently locked phone unlocked….Gut instinct over the years and that year inparticular led me to read it and there was only one email re searching for the gold jewellry tags that finally gave the game away – 20 long long Years of me knowing instinctively “something was going on” & finally i got the PROOF i had been searching for for years…searching receipts , phone records , searching everything for YEARS and living in a state of “anxiety and confusion” in a way for years as a direct result… but nothing …… etc….
    So the next day when over lunch with our girls nonchantly asked him for his phone and got the pic up of the tags he had ordered …asking ” do you like this jewellry” that he knew his lifelong game was up……Once daughters out of the way i let him have it verbally and threw my wedding rings at him and called him a fkg liar liar liar….
    We tried to wreckoncile…and during that time i said i needed honesty b4 i could move on as i told him i believed he’d been unfaithful for years…and yep….A year after we married…one night stand with co worker……a year long e/p affair with another co worker ( whilst we going through ivf) he even invited her to our daughters christening where she bought expensive gifts and i tecalled saying to my sister in the day that i thought “something was going on with them) …….online sex sites…….meeting up with 1(????!!) Woman off the sites but ” we just had a drink!)…and the final e/p affair with the 26year old….And there was probably lots more as i now know they NEVER tell you it all…..

    So years of sensing all was Not right….being denied…gaslit….told lies to me ..being told i needed therapy…being told i was too intense…( one daughter had serious health needing 2 major ops) and years of me ” being the adult and responsible and organised person in the relationship.)

    I supported him when he retrained and changed profession -( he was off work for 5years ) whilst i was earning a lot of money in a senior role as had really put my head down to get my degree and do the best for “us”. Then we got married and decided to “party “in London……whillst i gave up my career to be at home with our children which we had via ivf…..

    So to all the newbies out there….please please do not give these guys another chance…..he STOLE 20years from me and made those years so full if anxiety not love…. i can never get back that time and i should have been a mum properly enjoying her time with her daughters… unencumbered by stress anxiety and gaslighting…he has now destroyed my love of life and now most days are a struggle to be a “happy” mum for my girls. He destroyed who i was and i am fighting my way back to ” normal” and to ME again..the person i was b4 i was consumed by his moods needs and wants over the years…never mine.. Its so tough some days to think that someone who lived with you was actually “living another life ” alongside you with other women – it was all a sham. I was just his “security blanket” and his “wife appliance” Disordered fuck. All of the time this second life was destroying me as a person and sabotaging our marriage from within…..Narcissist trough eating cake and kibbles pig…

    Read Tracys book – Trust trust trust that theses disordered fkrs suck.

    So now – I hate xmas . I hate presents. I hate books. I hate jewellry. I hate all those things he contaminated with his behaviour….
    I hate the fact that I loved him .

    I hate the fact that i am an intelligent hardworking kind hearted generous and loving woman and great mother …and i hate the fact that I put all my energy love and effort into our relationship and our family and all the time and i was being betrayed distespected and DUPED.
    I hate the fact i got duped.
    I hate the fact that i was too stupid and loving to really dig dig dig deeper..

    He contaminated our marriage.

    He contaminted our family life.

    He destroyed my essence.

    And can anyone please please please explain why when i told him to go if thats what he wanted…ie to separate in May 2014….why the fuck didnt he leave?????
    I just cannot get my head around that one – when i asked him oncd he just stared blankly back.

    Fuck me – i just dont get it!

    • Your story is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry he is such a terrible liar and user.

      But to your question. You don’t get it because you are evaluating his behavior based on your standard of “normal.” You think: if he’s having an affair, he should chose one woman and be done with it. He’s thinking: CAKE.

      That means he didn’t want a divorce. He didn’t want to give up marriage, which makes him appear to be a normal person. For a narcissist, marriage and family means a “secondary supply” of narcissist ego chow, keeping up the appearance of having a normal life and having security. Then there’s primary supply, which is attention “attention, in both its public forms (fame, notoriety, infamy, celebrity) and its private, interpersonal, forms (adoration, adulation, applause, fear, repulsion). It is important to understand that attention of any kind – positive or negative – constitutes Primary Narcissistic Supply. Infamy is as sought after as fame, being notorious is as good as being renowned.”

      Once you understand narcissism and how it works, you understand:
      1. Why marriages and spouses seem interchangeable to them (because they are). A spouse is a source of supply, not a person with feelings and agency.
      2. Why, once they leave, they try to keep you hooked. You’ve switches from being secondary to primary supply, so now they want your attention.
      3. Why they don’t leave when you discover their cheating–Because they like the supply arrangement. They want to preserve the marriage, keep the assets, the house, the kids. They don’t want to split what they have and pay child support or alimony.
      4. Why they leave and don’t look back. You’ve seen behind the mask and they can’t tolerate it.

      The best thing you can do is study the literature on narcissism. It doesn’t matter if your X is a diagnosed narcissist. You don’t need a diagnosis. You have lots of evidence of narcissistic behavior. You can come to understand that you were and are dealing with someone who is disordered. That will help you stop projecting your normal, healthy human responses on someone who is neither normal or healthy.

      Cluster B personalities do enormous damage to the people they victimize. Speaking from experience, doing the reading and research will be a huge help in your recovery. But you would almost certainly benefit from therapy or counseling with someone who is an expert in helping people recover from traumatic and abusive relationships. You were abused. You can recover.

      • LAJ’s comment will be copied and pasted into my daily journal for rereading. I have almost every book on narcissism ever published and this is the Cliff Notes version.

      • Thankyou so much for your response. I have read quite a bit on narcissism but i think even now i was in ” denial” that i had been stupid enough to have married a cluster b and not known…looks like from what you have daid ..there is not doubt. He was and is a Narcissist and i did not and coukd not known that all the time i was just a pawn in his manipulative game….i was just still hoping to forgive him owing to foo issues ( he had a crap childhood aspergers father ).
        Well…i just have to suck it up and see the writing on the wall. I narried a narcissist. End of.

        Now to get on with my life…..

      • This is so helpful LAJ. I can’t stop myself from trying to untangle that skein. Jus this morning I was googling high maintenance and needy spouse. He was so damn clingy and wanted me with him ALL the time, unless he was doing something superfun he wanted to do. And he was always texting people, non-stop, and not schmoopie initially. I wondered if something was wrong with me as I had a few really close friends and we didn’t stay in constant communication. He never wanted to talk about me or my day, had to beg him to do so.

        Twenty years together, 2 teenagers, 2 known schmoopies, and 2 suspicious secretaries along the way. He needed me so much it was just shocking to find him pursuing these schmoopies (all underling, damsel in distress types).

        He’s never quite fit the bill for narcissist in every category, but what’s it matter? He sucks. He’s a cheater. He will never change. He’s a bully in many ways and the kids’ and I nicknamed him ‘The Hammer’ because he was unyielding and really a dick a lot. To everyone else he always has a smile on his face and Dr. Personality.

        No more walking on egg shells for me. My home is peaceful and quiet. The kids and I are living a normal life now without a dictator forcing his will upon us or sulking and pouty if we tried to do something we wanted to do.

        At Dday #2 for me it was a double edged sword of emotions. I was devastated for my kids and family life knowing it would never be the same and also giddy and relieved knowing I had a legitimate out of the marriage. I also thought of young schmoopie ‘she’s a lucky, lucky girl’ SNORT. She’s still being love bombed so she doesn’t quite know the misery that is him yet!

        I always read your posts LAJ. Thank you for staying on and helping all chumps navigate these choppy waters!

      • It is so hard to understand this stuff at first! I’m a psychologist with decades of life lessons yet I spackled my marriage together when in hindsight the issues were not complex at all, despite my ex’s willingness to let me spin out. After DDay I found a male therapist through his website articles on abusive men. It took 3 hours round trip to see him and he was not a big talker but one day his few words hit home. I was a wreck doing everything I could to feel sexy, be attractive, pick-me dancing for my ex. I’d planned a date night and surprised him with a new Brazilian wax to which he (being a newly diagnosed ‘sex-addict’) surprisingly showed mild to zero interest. So I was hurt, confused, frustrated trying to understand all the nuances of why to which my therapist simply said: ‘Because it’s just a body part to him.” This distilled all my education, research and efforts into words that I knew deep down rang true but I had not been able to compute. That comment at that time from him redirected my trajectory. I’d donated 13 years of my life, exposing my kids to my ex’s nasty personality, allowed him to steal our assets etc. but this was my tipping point that knocked me off the fence because staying meant sacrificing my sexuality, sensuality, sense of sharing my body and although I’m almost 60 I refused to give him that once I really understood.

      • Is there such a thing as a Narc light? Every time I read a description of a covert narcissist I think, well that sort of describes ex, but he isn’t quite that intense. He follows the narc patterns of idealize, devalue, discard, but he does it slowly. He didn’t actually initiate the divorce but he went along with it without a fuss when I initiated it. He left and moved on with Schmoopie, but I can’t say he isn’t looking back. I do feel as if part of the reason he left and even felt “unloved” in his marriage was because I had seen his imperfections and he couldn’t live with someone who knew he wasn’t perfect. He still seems to care about being a dad but just can’t connect emotionally even when he seems to be trying. Sometimes I feel sorry for him. It’s as if there is this force field that keeps him from truly connecting to other people. He thinks he has a connection to Schmoopie, but he is still pretending to be someone he’s not around her (morphing his interests and opinions to match hers). He is vaguely aware that there might be something wrong with him, but he is afraid to dig to deeply into it so he keeps changing up his external circumstances thinking that will make it all better. It hasn’t.

        • Chump in Recovery,
          Sounds a lot like my ex-boyfriend. They would rather change the external (their partner) than try to fix the relationship no matter how much we love and accommodate them.

    • Parasites need a host. So sorry for you but stop blaming yourself. His behavior is a reflection of him and you continue to be awesome!

    • Chumpedbigtime I’m sorry you’ve been through this. Your pain is palpable. My story has some similarities (suspicious for all of marriage with no proof, locked phone, threatened to leave but wouldn’t actually) but I gave the ILYBINILWY speech. He had just crushed any hope of true, intimate, Grown Up love out of me over 30 odd years of narcissistic behavior. And of course this was followed by a nasty exit affair that in turn crushed my kids.

      The point is, It gets better. I’m still struggling with his effects on the kids, but I feel bullet-proof about myself. Once you see that his actions are about who HE is, and not a value judgement on your worth, it gets easier. Keep reminding yourself every time he does something that it shines the light on him and his “lack”, not you. You are loving, you are kind. You are mighty!

    • Oh yes…forgot to add…

      During our year of wreconcilation & his time chasing the 26year old he was also still “busy” elsewhere so she cant teally meant that much to him anyway….. i found out afterwards ..november away on business..did search ” best pick up bars in…december ” how to tell the kids divorcing……” february – uploaded his photo onto tinder….whilst also texting me one weekend when i went away to my sister ” love you & miss you””

      Thank god -for a drunken night in May and the proof being found otherwise i would probably be still going around in that washing machine in spin cycle for ever…..

      So much devious activity – what fucked up person does that?

  • Had to look that one up (the Town Bike). Holy Moly! I’d say there’s somebody who needs a shrink badly.

  • At least that’s one lie I never heard.

    “I wanted you to really get that our marriage was over, so I fucked him.” Yeah, I got it.

  • Laying in bed one morning watching crime shows. One comes on about a cheating husband murdering the wife to be with ap. He said “i never understood thede people, why don’t they just divorce?” I hugged him tight and put my head on his chest and said “I’ll never cheat on you, don’t ever worry about that.” He just gave me a kiss on my forehead and said OK, I’d never harm you physically, I’d just divorce you if i don’t love you anymore”… no “me neither, don’t worry”. I just layed on his chest in silence. Couldn’t make my brain hurt any more than i could let it at that time.

  • My cheater’s justification line was “We really are more like brother and sister”. That meant he could screw anyone out there.

    It’s true, the sex had diminished greatly (more his lack of desire, than mine). He also said that sex with one woman is inevitably boring, so again, total justification for cheating. He felt sex was only exciting when their was a pursuit and then the person was caught. After, he lost interest in the conquest.

    I guess this explains why over the 6 years we’ve been apart he has had 6 girlfriends (some he has lived with) and other one night stands while with each of them. I assume they have found out and moved on. I am NC, so don’t know details, but hear dribs and drabs from my one son who sees him.

    So, they always have a reason for straying. But we all know, they just lack character.

    • When I asked why all the sex with other women,I got…”Why does a dog lick it’s bollox?
      Because it can.”
      What a complete horndog.

  • I haven’t seen this one yet today..but it’s the one I got from my WS –

    “It was not different to me than if I went to play racquetball everyday” I was so gobsmacked.

    From the AP I got “I really feel bad our friendship” Good grief where to these people come from.

  • Well, thankfully this is one lie I never received. I asked him once if he blew up his family for love. His reply was a very cold and short “Nope!” with a big grin on his face.

  • I got “It was just a game for me….I wanted to see what I could get away with. They didn’t mean anything to me.” (There were **many** and one was his ‘former’ girlfriend who colluded with him to use me).

    That little game got him evicted from my home (we weren’t married), moving into a homeless shelter and all his possessions which his brother had put in storage ended up being sold for pennies on the dollar.

    Revenge is sweet when served stone cold 🙂

  • “She’s in a band. You wouldn’t understand.”

    No, doucheface, I wouldn’t understand. Because while you and your idiot friends have been pathetically worshipping the idol that is Being A Creative Person and managing to sell like, 30 records while staying out late every night and remaining chronically unemployed, I’ve been working my ass off, paying for our entire life, raising our child alone, getting promotions and enjoying some small modicum of success in the business world. Fucking musicians.

    • Yesssssss!!!! From another former spouse of a chronically-underemployed, self-absorbed, substance-abusing, obsessive-compulsive “creative artist” musician. Gag!!!

  • After 35 years & having sex until I found out about the full blown affair…

    “Our marriage ran its course “ why didn’t he tell me that sooner? The affair went on behind my back for 2 years. When I asked him “Why didn’t you just leave last year?”

    He said “I had patience “? What the fuck does that even mean?

    You could say I had PATIENCE.
    Evil, selfish narc ????

    • My ex went on a Fl vacation with his mistress. Had my brother drive him to the airport! I said- when you came back from your little vacation, you must have been on cloud nine- why didn’t you leave then? Why continue to lie for another 6 months? His reply- “I wasn’t ready then” When I busted him with her months later- that night he said “I’m ready to leave you and our daughter” really? – my guess is Schmoopie got all upset when I got up in her face and called her a “lying bitch who will get hers someday”- I really hope he’s happy now seeing as he was “ready” to leave us- Karma- it’s coming.

    • Our marriage ran it’s course translates to : I used you and your youth like an old Kleenex to be tossed in the trash. Now I need something new….something younger.

      The problem is not monogamy! The cardinal (the red bird)- stays married for life! If a fucking bird can do it….people can do it! The problem is…some people don’t “want” to do it.

    • I got ‘the relationship ran its course’ line, too. UBT translates that line to, ‘I finally found your replacement after years of looking and being rebuffed by other women I previously dumped you for. Hasta la vista, Baby! Stop chasing me.’ I should have left months/years earlier!

    • Yeah I got the “I was addicted” too, however that excuse evolved over the days to midlife crisis, insanity, and it’s not real, we are real, our marriage is real.

      • yeah I got many many excuses. She later retracted this statement to: “with the help of my therapist I’ve come to understand I was addicted to the excitement and getting away with it, not the individual, or sex, or that he was a young male.”

        She’s a con-artist

  • Cheaters often say they weren’t getting enough from the marriage or family
    In reality – they weren’t putting enough in to the marriage and family
    Imagine if all the time – $ – and effort spent wooing the affair partner had been spent on the chump and kids instead?
    With this kind of logic – they never try to stop – the affair from starting or continuing

    • the communication shutdown towards me but no problem hitting up chicks on Facebook messenger…
      When is it my time? Bragging about gifts he bought exes. Only thing he ever wanted to give me was a girftcard he got from his sibling, so just a “regift”. When is it my time?
      Can oogle strange whores online but no intimacy towards me. When is it my time? Scheduled Skype sessions where i was left hanging for hours because he’s”not ready yet mentally” to communicate… but spent his time jacking it. When is it my time?
      Can stop and talk to strange when away from home but I’m forbidden from having a coffee with an ex from over 10 years ago who was doing aa 12 step and was at the “make amends and apologize” part. Went ballistic when i told him I’d like to hear the apology from my friend and support him in his aa effort to succeed. As retaliation he of course went after strange. When is it my time?

    • This one kills me. I asked over and over when my time will come, since he had hour upon hour reserved for jerking off porn obsession. I mean like whacking it 3 times within 45 minutes. Repeat multiple times a day… he was “resting and recuperating from his job”.

    • “Cheaters often say they weren’t getting enough from the marriage or family
      In reality – they weren’t putting enough in to the marriage and family”

      YES!! My STBX did not invest anything into our marriage. Zero intimacy. Zero consideration. Zero respect. Yet to him, I was the problem.

      • Well…if “unmet needs” were the reason for cheating…..I should have been pouncing all over every guy I saw! But I didn’t! I know right from wrong.

  • Hahaha, I got some statement like this from mine.
    He said, “I can’t help myself…” Guess it actually was a nugget of truth into who he was. What do you say except, “OK. Bye.”

      • LOL! Yep….like screwing other people is “good for a relationship.” Cheaters are morally deficient, self absorbed losers! Or they are just plain stupid. Which is it?

  • Want to hear what I was told….”It’s like a drug, I’m addicted to it and can not get out of it”. Maybe she needs to go to rehab to get over addiction.

    • I got the ” I never meant to hurt you, and I think I already have.” This was before confession.

      After confession, “I tried to quit but I couldn’t” and later ” I thought I could put it all behind me when I retired, but I couldn’t.

      One year out from DDay, three weeks before Christmas last year, divorce in the works. He used to bring home soap and pens from hotels when he was traveling. It became a joke. Now I have the pens from hotels where he met prostitutes. ( for 20 years). I keep them as a reminder and to maintain my resolve , that he sucks.

      This blog is my therapy, everyone , stay strong , enjoy as much as you can , you all can be Mighty.

  • After his double-life was discovered, I invested 2 years trying to fix us. When I found out that he’d never stopped the escorts, online hunting etc, he met my hysteria with “Well, I guess God just does not want me to be married.” WTF?! He had never shown any religious affiliation or spiritual curiosity over the decade we were married but then he pulled God in? I just thank God every day that I’m now almost two years NC!

  • Mine said he didn’t think I’d care that much and was shocked at my attitude to the 26 yr old girlfriend. She was in his head and he couldn’t get her out.
    Now doesn’t agree with the divorce on the grounds of his adultery as that was not what led to breakdown of marriage. Still waiting for the memo letting me know what did!!

  • It seems like they’ve all memorized the script provided on Page 69 of the Ultimate Cheaters Desk Reference…

    We have nothing in common.
    I need to be with someone who’s more like me. This marriage is too much work.
    Love should be easier than this.
    I don’t understand why we can’t be friends.
    I love you but I’m not in love with you.
    The OW and I didn’t have sex so I didn’t cheat.
    I’m sorry you feel hurt.
    I’ll try to (fill in the blank).
    You’re smart but you have no common sense.
    Blah blah blah…

  • The total disconnect from reality the cheaters have never ceases to amaze me! What are they? 3 year old toddlers who can’t discern right from wrong? Pathetic.

  • Omg, the ‘once they were faithful for an entire 36 hours’ really hits home.

    Chumps, help me here because I feel maybe I am on a different planet where a promise is a promise.

    My cheating ex-bf, on D-Day, made a show of sending OW a message that they needed to stop talking while he fixed his relationship with me. He promised me that he was cutting off all contact with her when I asked him to walk the talk when he said he ‘cared’ for me. Unsurprisingly, he began talking to her again… and when I confronted him, he petulantly argued that he HAD kept the promise and hadn’t spoken to her for a while and had only ‘accidentally’ bumped into her.


    I am slapping myself because I’ve been so stupid; D-Day was 5 months ago on the last day of a holiday we took. As we were long distance, I considered the trips to see him and the holidays together as an investment in our relationship… so I was shell-shocked to discover the sexts, texts, ‘I love you’s and ‘I miss you’s from his ex on his phone by accident.

    Long distance also made the process of reconciliation hard, although I should have seen the signs: after the discovery, he of course broke down in a maelstrom of tears and many a ‘I didn’t mean to cause you pain’ and ‘I didn’t mean for you to find out like this’ (as if there ever would have been a non-painful way to find out!). But he also hit me with a number of things which I can see now as being very hurtful and disrespectful such as:
    – ‘I like you but I like her as well’;
    – ‘I can’t choose’;
    – ‘I don’t love her yet, but I might eventually’ (this one almost killed me with pain);
    – ‘I wanted to try something different, talking to her feels different’ and so on.

    He also highlighted that she made him happy whereas I would fight with him all the time (It’s true that, having recently been through my mother’s unexpected death, I was leaning on him for emotional support). But before this, he had been going through a very rough patch, and I supported him throughout and he emerged from it with a doctorate and a very well-paid job. Barely two weeks after he got the job, his ex, reappears in his life and over the next eight months, they keep up the sordid affair.

    [FYI Exbf and I met seven years ago, did long distance, until one day he announced he had a girlfriend (I was shocked as I assumed I was the girlfriend – he hadn’t explicitly broken up with me). I cut off all contact but ended up in the same place as him for a while, where we got back together. Then five months ago… D-Day happened and he revealed that OW was his ex and he had broken up with her when I came to his city but now the same situation is happening but with roles reversed].

    I should have known that he’d done it once and could thus do it again. Chumps, what was so special about them that, even though I had done so much for him, he went back to her without thinking twice and couldn’t stay apart? Even though he presented me to his family and friends, and they knew nothing about the OW even when they were together, he preferred to discard me – why?

    I feel he stole my reality; I don’t know what part was real and what wasn’t. How do I feel mighty again after losing the pick-me dance, in the face of their cosmic love?

    • Lady,
      I can relate to wondering what was real and what was false in our partners (Jekyll-Hyde) and our relationships as we dealt with lying, gaslighting, chronically ambivalent hot-cold behavior. I wish that I had an answer to your question for you, me, and many other chumps, but I don’t. However, four months after the second discard by my ex-boyfriend (and a few years after the discard by my husband), I am finding that realizing that the exes in questions were unethical, cruel people (‘pods’) who were/are unwilling (maybe not completely capable) of conducting a completely honest, mature, respectful relationship makes me feel less bad at losing the pick me dance. My replacements aren’t getting as good a deal as I once thought. I have sometimes wondered if my exes would change into complete Prince Charming after they left me. It’s possible, but many years later, I doubt it. Very few tigers change their stripes.

  • After I confronted him on D day, he said “have I just ruined your life?” He had a sick little smirk on his face when he said that.

    I got out of the marriage asap. He wouldn’t leave me alone for months afterward – all the typical narcissist crazy stuff as he tried to convince me to reconcile. He was just pissed that I dumped him before he dumped me!

    So grateful to be out of that marriage.

  • Jeseus Cheater: You can’t understand, we have a “spiritual connection”. God has already forgiven me and approves what I’m doing. It was meant to be, I’ve been looking for her all my life.

    • OMG! I had a Jesus cheater too! Told me at bomb drop that he was going to evening mass, and when h came back, I was to tell him what he was going to “get” if he stayed.

      I still was dancing blind, he never gave full disclosure of OW “The high caliber woman”.

      • Jesus cheaters are the worst of all cheaters. They turn my stomach! They probably turn Jesus’ stomach too! The church needs to weed them out- and throw them out!

  • LadyLiar never once claimed that she cheated because it was “true love” or any such nonsense, since she sees all people as interchangeable as long as they’ll meet her demands. LadyLiar stuck up for her AP, though. She told me how good she was, adding that she told her to “make sure there’s no feelings left for your partner” before she agreed to get involved. Wasn’t that so very thoughtful of her?

  • I was given the “I Love you, but I’m not IN Love with you.”
    Was told we had been roommates for the past 14 years (news to me)
    Was also told we should of had more sex in our 30’s (?? wtf? – ok, whatever douche bag)
    And asswipe claimed he Never cheated on me. Cuz going out and buying fuck phones behind your wife’s back and sexting other women and picking women up online is not considered cheating….
    Dumb ass….

    • Lady

      That self serving bullshit about loving but not being in love falls right in place with the roommate crap.

      The first he told my granddaughter. I was livid. The second was self serving as he couldn’t have sex.

      Well it’s good the fucker focused on his semantic blubbering instead of his future. Cause happy broke is fitting for a sociopath. He’s doomed. And I’m glad.

  • Mine said there was no “us,” while the products of “us” were needing school clothes, dental work, and wanted bicycles.

    Oh, and when I asked why he didn’t talk to me about being so unhappy, he told me, “I shouldn’t HAVE to!”

    Apparently, I didn’t love him enough to be able to read his mind.

    I would ask him…point blank…what he wanted in any given situation and he would just mope, “It don’t matter…” so when I would make a decision, ANY decision it was held against me…damned if I did… damned if I didn’t…

    Fucking pathetic.

    • Sunflower: That was one of the most hurtful thing he said to me also. “There is no us”. I will never forget that moment, it was horrible. What bastards.

  • x – I tried to break it off several times.
    Me- wait, what, you said it was a one time thing.

  • It’s all such bullshit what they say at the time. I’m trying to remember. Of course I was devastated and hurt and livid over all of the lying. He told me that I was an ‘angry woman.’ Lol. Who wouldn’t be angry after finding out you’ve been living a fake life with a fake man in a fake marriage? But it was my fault, because I was so angry. Whatever.

    It’s been almost ten years since Dday and of course I’ve moved on and got to meh (on a Tuesday) The Karma bus did show up. The mills of the gods grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine. My cheater XH still has to see me from time to time in our line of work and the look on his face when he does is worth a million bucks to me. The longing in his eyes is worth more than gold. He’s still with the slut puppet but I know he wants to come back to me. Hahaha No way. I think I deserve a better partner than that.

  • Years ago when I was in my mid twenties, I had been chumped and was in counseling to deal with the emotional fall out. During one counseling session, my therapist told me that he had been in a long term marriage with three children. He said he had been so unhappy for years, but stayed out of guilt for the children. He said one day he woke up, looked in the mirror, and said to himself “not one more day.” He told his wife that day that he was finally leaving. He said she cried, carried on, even threatened suicide, but he said there was absolutely no way he would ever stay. He said over his years of counseling, he had never heard anyone say that they wished they had stayed longer, rather that they wish they had left long before their final departure. When I cried and raged in counseling about how angry I was, he said that I should be angry about the method my husband chose to leave (having an affair, then taping a letter to our bedroom door and leaving without a trace while I was at work), but I should be glad we never had children and that he did not stay and pretend that he was happy. He said too often people stay in relationships out of guilt and obligation. He said there would be a lot fewer affairs if people weren’t guilted into staying in relationships when they are not happy. Ironically, his second wife is a top divorce attorney in our area, and he has been remarried, very happily for years. At the time, I thought his reasoning was flawed. I was a twenty five year old with very little relationship experience. I was also a step away from a breakdown. Decades later, I do believe that there is a lot of truth to this. Near the end of our therapy nearly a year later, he said another thing that has stayed with me for twenty five years. He said it should be much harder to get married, and much easier to get divorced. I also believe this. It is my opinion that most of these cheaters are cowards, and as a result, they don’t want to face the fall out of their relationships ending. You see this with todays relationships as “ghosting” seems to happen with young couples more and more in dating relationships…even those that have been lengthy relationships. I suppose some believe it preferable to leave with “no muss, no fuss”… even with the younger generation… a co worker of mine has a seventeen year old son that has been dating his girlfriend for a year…he has been unhappy for a while, but he told his mom that he is hoping that she will break up with him so he doesn’t have to do it. It’s a very sad statement on our society….

    • “He said there would be a lot fewer affairs if people weren’t guilted into staying in relationships when they are not happy.”

      The fuck? That’s victim blaming. He sounds like he was a disordered therapist with terrible professional boundaries if he ever made any part of your sessions about his old marital woes and his hot takes on obligation. He used you to assuage his own guilt about the way he handled his first marriage, and since you were only in your 20s and were the less powerful person in the therapist-patient dynamic, you could not see the serious ethical boundary he crossed as a therapist. You should rethink the so-called wisdom of whatever he told you. He was completely out of line.

      • What exactly is a “happy marriage” to these freaks? A marriage where they get to do what ever they want- with no consequences?

    • Queenbee, I get what you are saying.

      I completely hold my hands up to my part to play in a relationship that slowly went downhill. I make efforts daily to become a better human being and live my life with integrity.

      However, I do forgive myself also for not being able to be happy in a relationship with a catastrophically self-absorbed man. Although I understand that trauma was behind it all, his selfishness was not normal.

      Now, he has been through two more soul mates, and I am developing a relationship with myself. I have noticed that I have a lot of friends, and he has none. Whilst this is not a competition, to me they are a source of blessings and strength, and let me know that I am not a bad person who did not deserve the treatment I received.

  • Asshat said he felt trapped…and felt so guilty about thinking about having an affair that he didn’t think he’d feel any more guilty if he did. So he did…But only one. But he also “had to watch porn in his car just to be able to come home to you (me)!!” Oh, and he spent thousands on strippers & happy endings…probably some craigslist action too. Oh, but he did it all for me. “Didn’t think divorce was an option.” And then I got “I can’t believe you filed for divorce…did you think I was going to screw you over?” My response “Yeah, you already have!!” So glad I found CL & CN! ????

    • Xhole said the same thing when I filed for the divorce. Of course, he wanted to do a friendly “sit at the table and talk it all out” divorce. No thanks. The server blindsided him with the divorce papers like he blindsided me with the schmoopie.

    • Summer’s Eve said, “I think all of this (meaning affair) has made me forgetful, back problems and I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.” *I* said, nooooo, you’re having an affair…..STILL GET OUT!”

      • AND, after I tossed his ass out with designer luggage (Hefty garbage bags), he asked to come back and live on the other side of the house. REALLY? You can’t make the stuff up!!!

    • I had one like that too! He called himself “Dancing Rich” Dancing Daddy” Dancing hot daddy” on his porn sites and hook up sites. The freak never danced a step in the 31 years I knew him! He’s on dating sites looking for a new woman!

      Glad to be rid of him and his so called “addiction.” In my view….the perv was doing exactly what he wanted to do.

  • “We tried to stop so many times, but we couldn’t” — they told each other that over emails, verbatim.

    The picture also looks like them.

    Cheater handbook 101.

  • Cheater: “I tried to stop her! I was trying to stop her, I was defending us! But she was All Over Me Like A Train Wreck!”
    Me: “Then what? she raped you?”
    Cheater: [rage, blameshifting, gaslighting].

    I’d actually forgotten about this, it was four and a half years ago. Really – All over him like a train wreck.
    I hope so. I hope she still is.
    (Oh, and this too: “She is NOT the kind of person I could ever be in a relationship with!” but I believe they still are. But then that is because he’s a freeloading manipulating baby-man who cannot support himself and must have a woman with an income or he’d be homeless.)

  • Apparently these dramatic breakups and dramatic get back togethers are important in affairs because they are the only thing that keep them going…

    Affairs are about fantasy and projection. When you hang around skank too long, you get to see … skanky. Therefore, break up to get the distance, the fantasy builds up, then makeup deliciousness. Round and round.

    When I look back at ex H, he behaved like an addict and OW was the fix. No doubt about it. Meh!

    • Yes. The drama. They love that crap. That’s the only way they can ‘feel.’

      They cannot feel love or empathy – so the high drama, infatuation, deceit, excitement of deceit, the feeling of power – which isn’t really power at all- etc… that’s all they have.

  • Uh oh…smelling the phony “sex addict” bullshit here. Sorry…but there’s no such animal. Only morally deficient people who feel “entitled” to cheat/use porn/visit hookers etc.

    • No, I meant he was addicted to whatever pheromones the affair gave him. Not her as a human being, but whatever feel good and projection and hot sex he got out of it.

      Later, I had to deal with a family member that was using drugs; it was exactly the same immorality, deceit, manipulation, disrespect, contempt, abuse; and complete dedication to them to get what they wanted.

      That is when I realised that affairs really are addictions.

  • Dancing Dick’s viewpoint: ….the hooker’s vagina chased me down the street and pounced on me! I couldn’t stop her.

    Nor could I stop buying buying web cam hoe tokens- with our family money. Bonga Cams, and Sugar Babies hoes…..kept texting me and forcing me to give them our money. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but plaster pictures of my dick all over internet hook up sites- the devil made me do that.

    I couldn’t help but send lewd unwanted texts to the neighbor either. The devil made me do that too.

  • I got the usual ,we are soul mates,she loves me,we are meant for each other(clearly they are,as she broke up her matriage as well) After I found out the first time about the affair, my friend was literally picking the millions of pieces of me from the floor and he had the nerve to say he thought I didn’t love him, so he HAD TO end our marriage this way so there was no going back (apparently sitting down and talking things out is not what normal people do,you go out and cheat) Pick me dance. ..he is “here” and he is “trying “(to work on our marriage ) I busted him few weeks later making plans with her to pretend go work but instead go on their fuck date (I blocked her numer so she couldn’t contact him,she was going to buy him a burner phone,they figured out a way and communicated through Instagram ) he was literally begging me to not end the marriage after I found that out.” look I’ll end it all(holding his phone in front of me) I’m deleting my account in front of you,I’ll never talk to her again” stupid ol me fell for it…the whore that day,when he didn’t show up for her ,drove 1,5 hours first to his work looking for him,than to OUR HOUSE!!!! she was lucky no one was home,she left a note on a Starbuck bag, that she brought his balls and how *I* need to leave him alone,because he’s SO very unhappy in our marriage, he’s just staying for our daughter. ..he swore up and down he’s done with her ,had one of our friends ,who is a lawyer help him compose a text for her so he could break it off with her for good…he owes her that.after they sent the text, he deleted all forms of contract with the whore. ..not…found a way to still be in contact with her.
    When I told him 3rd time to GTFO of our house and took our daughter to see a movie, he called me a couple hours later ,asking where are we he went to look for us in a movies had this romantic idea of professing his love to me in front of our daughter, but since he couldn’t find us the whole 15 min he tried ,he just drove 2 hours to drawn his sorrow in the whore’s arms…
    In his text he said (can’t make this shit up) that he needed to spend us much time with her as he could,because he knew he would come home to me ,but he needed to steal those memories with her because we never had such passion…that was a 3rd and last time and I was DONE!!!! 10 days before Christmas. ..
    Monday I can FINALLY go file for a divorce (have to be separated for 366days first, stupid law) he’s living with her and her 3 kids and I’m SO happy, I don’t have to put up with his narcissistic bullshit anymore…leave a cheater, gain a life for REAL!!!

  • I got “You lied!”
    I could not imagine what he was talking about. In the decades we were married I was pretty honest. I thought maybe because he lies all the time, he thought I lied too. I asked him what he meant. Well, he answered firmly and clearly. When we were first married, I had told him that God blesses marriage. Apparently, he thought that meant cash, cars, etc. He is furious that he had to live on my ordinary wages. No blessing! As for me, I consider my children to be blessings! In fact, I believe the fact that I am healthy and able to work is a blessing.
    He has not been a fan of employment. He buys lottery tickets and “shops” online for mansions. Sigh…

  • Yup, my husband said this same thing. I tried to stop, several times, I didn’t want to lose you. And now the new girlfriend writes me a letter to apologize and says “tried as I could to remove myself from growing relationship, I could no longer contain my feelings and I allowed it to happen.” I don’t get it. You live NEXT DOOR. You were my supposed FRIEND! I used to drive your sorry ass to painting class because you didn’t have a car. You lied and cheated with my husband (of 12 years) for over a year. You go to CHURCH every Sunday and even posted on FB about how religious you are?!?! But you couldn’t help yourself from being a skank? You flirted in my face, with my husband, on my birthday, in my own house. Six months ago, I even asked you to stop sending Rumi poetry texts to my husband, and you said, oh yes that is wrong, I crossed the line. But even then my husband DENIED to me that you were sleeping together. I want out of this twisted world. “We couldn’t help ourselves” is just a self justification for, we were dishonest and cruel, we have no moral or ethical compass, we did not have the decency to wait until the marriage was over before embarking on a new relationship.

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