Time Again for Infidelity Valentines!
Happy February, chumps! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, or as people have been known to call it “Single Awareness Day.” If you’re feeling a bit adrift with all the mylar heart balloons and syrupy sentiment out there…. consider snark!
Yes, it’s time once again for our Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest where we remember the less fortunate — the poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
So send me a poem! Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day and draw some accompanying cartoons. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems. You’ll also note I drew a new cartoon for the contest this year. (Because who can resist stabbing Cupid?)
Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
You have until February 12 to send submissions!
TGIF!
There was once a cheat named Paul
Who had no morals at all
Old, fat or thin
They were kibbles for him
Now his marriage has gone to the wall
Sparkly balls going prancing in the night
Howorkers duties added to his delight
Fuck a few, fuck a friend
Fuck you Sparkly, this is the end
Sweet heart’s disappointment and I finally saw the light
Got a bulldog lawyer to fuck him over just right
Favorite!
Can I crosspost with attribution?
So funny!
This is my first post, so I wasn’t sure if putting it as a reply was correct, but here goes:
Miss Angela was a ‘ho-pair”
With Germanic big tits and blonde hair.
When my spouse (not so smart)
Met this Black Forest tart
And ‘forgot’ that he loved me (NO FAIR!)
They met in a bar in Toronto
Then up to his room to fuck – PRONTO!
With his cute German strudel
Caressing his noodle
My hubby’s not one to hold on to.
That was epic TinaT!
Absolutely loved these….such fun.
Welcome, TinaT! And nicely done!
There once was a doctor I knew
He left and called me a shrew
He fucked a nurse
Then lined her purse
“I walk with Jesus” says her tattoo.
My husband was a nerd.
Do MMA fighting he heard!
He got real tough.
He fucked her stuff.
Now she is stuck with a turd.
There once was a boy named Tony
Who moved in with my dear family
I was deployed
And really annoyed
On him, my wife spent all of my money
There once was a wife called Claire
Who thought riding her boss was quite fair
She got caught in the act
Then pregnant so he was trapped
5 years on I’m at meh
Covert narcissists
Have no personality
They can call their own
The better I know
Your personality was
a mask that you wore
You said you don’t know
The missed red flags became gifts
Bet you still don’t know
This is a very fitting contest for me today. Divorce court at 10 am, new life at 11.
There once was a co-ed niece
Who became her uncle’s next piece
This caused marriage trouble
But Unc’s troubles will double
If slutniece ever calls the police
Limericks for me are like chips or pretzels. Can’t stop at one.
There once was a man forty-nine
Who thought his teen niece very fine
They fucked and they texted
Until auntie objected
And signed on the dotted line
The uncle poem… I’m assuming here that the Niece was a legal adult otherwise this might not be cheating and more abuse?
Welcome to the other side!
Life is better on the other side.
This is the first chance I have had to read today! I am so happy for you!!! So mighty!
Hurray!
AWESOME in every way… ! congrats x
Great for you! What a douche-bag-a teenage niece. Have a great day! Hope you get everything you want!
As a chump I have to say affair partners are terrible turds but if the uncle is a child molester there is a whole grooming aspect etc that makes this situation different than others on chump nation.
I second (third, fourth, or whatever we’re up to) the congratulations!
And…HOLY SH*T! This guy fooled around with his teenage NIECE? (Or your niece?). Eww! How disgusting! I’m so sorry for you.
Every time I think I’ve heard the worst, most depraved crap a cheater can do, something else comes along.
Ewe, ewe, ewe!!! What about niece’s parents? Do they know?! Ewe!
Nice limericks!
Congrats on ridding yourself of the child molester. What a creep!
Congratulations, Meh. I hope that your day is glorious!
Congratulations and Good luck, Mehtamorphosis!
Congratulations, Meh, on a new beginning.
Taking out the trash always feels so good.
Happy Day for you and love that second limerick.
YAY!!!!!! I’m so glad it’s finally Freedom Day! No worries, the judge will love the smile. **high five**
Thanks, Beth. Here’s one inspired by you!
Here at the Nation of Chumps
We’re all spouses of dog turds and rumps
We dance and we spackle
As our rat bastards cackle
‘Til we dump them and claim our fist bumps
That one is especially wonderful. I thought I was the only person in the world who used the phrase rat bastard so I especially loved it! Well done, you are an inspiration.
Mehtamorphosis: Love all your creative poetics here! Best wishes!
That’s awesome!! Love you girl. Wishing you the best of everything in this new chapter. And if you ever get back my way, we’ll have another dinner to celebrate your freedom. ????????????
Meh,
You are my hero, Mighty Mehtamorphosis! May all go your way today in court. So happy for you! Thank you for sharing your journey with us.. .a high tide raises all boats, even my leaky dinghy! ????????
Aw, shucks, Diva. I will bail you out.
Sweet freedom! So glad for you.
“Divorce court at 10 am, new life at 11.”
Yay!
Its a great day for moving forward.
Meta, congratulations.! Freedom day rocks and so do you.
Woo hoo! My divorce court was at 8:30 this morning. Cheers to a new life!
Cheers, Cancer, one newly single chump to another!
CC and Mehta, Precious Ladies! Hugs to you on your most auspicious day
Love Ya Bunches!!
ForgeOn in your cheater-free life!
Lucky heffas! Run free!
Congrats on your new beginning Mehtamorphosis!
Smoke and mirrors
There once was a woman blinded by smoke
Thinking the haze from red flags burning was an illusion of hope
Once she awoke and saw the illusion was broke
She saw in the mirror a picture of hope
Seeing clearly/finally
Tracy, thank you for responding! This made my day. The judge will be telling me to wipe the smile off my face.
Bravo Mehta, Bravo! For your limerick talent (LOL) and your new life!
Clear, you motivated me to write two more today on the plane back home from divorce court.
There once was a shy nerd named Woody
Who seemed to be all goody-goody
‘Til the marriage police
Caught him fucking his niece
On the floor with her bum on her hoody
There once was a man with a wife
Who discovered his secret life
Of fucking their niece
And their close friend Denise*
Whose husband just sharpened his knife
*Her real name has been changed to protect the guilty. And rhyme. But her sister is named Denise. Really!
Okay, I will stop now. Maybe.
Meh,
Congratulations!!! Can’t wait till the day I can post, free at last!!
My god, his niece!! These freaks are a never ending pile of shit!!
Thank god you are rid of the child molester!! What about her parents?
Yaaass!! So happy for you, Mehtamorphosis! Wishing you all the courage to do and say what you need to today, but the courage to also keep that supreme happiness under wraps just until you turn around to walk out of the courtroom or chambers. Then you’re all: ????????????
You totally deserve this!! (((Hugs!)))
You should be grinning from ear to ear leaving that effed up Mess!
Go, Meh, go! So happy for the healthy fresh start that awaits you! Xox
Now that that mask that you wore
was removed and was thrown on the floor
Now I’m aware
and you’re out of my hair
I’m quite glad that you’re off with that whore
This one is perfect! I’d love to send it to my cheater/ex-husband but it would got right over his head.
Awesome!
FT-this is perfect for me!
Your comment made my day. Thank you
It doesn’t fit the format requirements, so I’ll forfeit the chance at a prize, but I like it…
(Apologies in advance to whoever penned the old rhyme about Lizzie Borden)
Kunty Kibbler shafted me,
Gave her twat to RPD,
And when she saw she’d made him cum,
Shoved a dildo up his bum.
Omg! Laughing out loud!!!
Second verse…
Mindfuck channel stuck on rage,
Selfies rule her Facebook page,
Divorce tattoo on her shoulder,
Thinks it stops her getting older.
Love this UX . Yeah, the new 60 is fourty. It’s all good. But if you know the Limited there are are parts well beyond their years;; all parts aren’t equal. Just My’s Opinion. You knows what I means!
Love the Limited comment!!
That was too funny!!
I think you are still stuck on your X wife.
There are millions of women out there who are prettier, cleaner, kinder and more honest than this whore.
Stop wasting your time on this website and get out there and live, man!!!
You’re wasting your precious life. There is no prize for being witty and clever on this blog. It is time suck after it serves its purpose as a triage unit after discovery.
You are Obsessed. Get off the computer and get out there in the real world. Stop living in the past. As a man who is not a mutant( it seems) – You will have women throwing themselves at you.
CS you’re too kind. Kennedy, I see purple in your future. Bend over.
Oops, forgot the last word CS (Kennedy).
“I think you’re still stuck on your X wife” said no one on this blog ever! (who knows UXworld and actually has a clue) Perhaps you should buy one Kennedy!
Most of the folks who contribute to this blog after the “initial triage” do so to help the newly anointed chumps who feel like they’re completely alone. Lucky for all of us UXworld is one of those people so you should probably know that before you go running your mouth….or are you still mad that someone dropped a house on your sister?
Thank you for that wonderful response to Kennedy- wonder if he belongs to the family of political Kennedy’s!!!!
LOL at your Kennedy response.
Love it
Too bad we can’t vote! Limerick or not, this is wicked funny!!!
That made me laugh out loud, OneDaySomeDay.
God, I’m so fortunate to have found you all! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Hey UX, maybe this makes it a legit limerick:
Kunty Kibbler shafted me,
Gave her twat to RPD,
And when she saw she’d made him cum,
Shoved a dildo up his bum.
Hurry up, there’s another man coming at three!
Hey UX, maybe this makes it a legit limerick:
Kunty Kibbler shafted me,
Gave her twat to RPD,
And when she saw she’d made him cum,
Shoved a dildo up his bum.
And yelled, it’s always about me!
Woops, hit send too soon.
I love the Lizzie Borden rhyme scheme! And so appropriate. “Forty whacks!” I think Tracy should let us use this rhyme scheme and rhythm, too.
Four score and four years ago
My liberation came don’t ya know
Nancy so special she blew
After seeing her I knew
At best his supply required a feeding trough.
The pastor cheated
He left his wife and children
The church still lets him work there
Another cheater – hiding behind Jesus loves me!
Verse 2…..
Now Paul thought it great fun to lie
When looking his wife in the eye
It was duper’s delight
And watching her plight
Pure cake until she said……bye!
Happy Friday everyone!
Love it!!!
I like the cadence of this one. Nice work!
Natalia B – we must have been married to the same loser. Mine was named Paul as well and he fits your description perfectly. Thanks for the laugh! Happy Friday!
Also had a POS Paul. Wow!
????❤
I love this one!
Had not realised my Tuesday had come
Once upon a time I was really quite glum
rrom your financial misuse
and the gaslighting abuse
Look at the awesome life I’ve begun
Oops rrom = from
There was a young cheater from Kent
Who’s thing was long, thin and bent
One night in a muddle
He put it in double
And instead of c*ming, he went
I’m from Fort Kent!
Nver, I grew up in Piscataquis County!
Clever! The poem, not the cheater.
A version of this limerick predates the internet. Yet, still very funny
Little Miss Muffett
Sat on a tuffett, doing her social media
Along came a cheater
Who wanted to meet her
F*** off hairy legs !
Yes FT, you are correct. Sadly, the cheater from Kent is the cleanest (publishable) one I could remember.
LOL
The rest of them must be fun!
That’s gotta hurt!
Thank you you have made my day
Blee, are you from Maine? I grew up there and we had a man from Fort Kent who saved his wife trouble by folding it double!
Hi M
I’m from Perth Western Australia
Blee that is so funny…..
Ha! Love the clever finish!
For your choosing delight:
Sex in cars is fun
For you. I cried and got a
Full STD screen.
My ex husband was totally feckless,
But with his pecker grossly reckless.
So nasty to tell, much worse to smell (!)
So I ran away pell mell.
He told me he loved me forever,
And nothing would change it, no never,
Oddly enough, five mistresses can,
And now I’ve a lawyer and no man.
All of his moves were a trope,
The unoriginal dope.
His women agree: he’ll leave me! they’ll see,
But in the end I had to flee.
Ok I think I’m done now.
One for each category:
In the dark of night
I lay awake in my fear
Wond’ring where you’ve been
and
Beware stout old surgeon so sick
Country charmer but truly a prick
Craigslisters he’d bone
Often played all alone
Til one day he broke his own dick
(true story)
Love your limerick, Geode – serves him right!
Clever! The poem, not the cheater.
Ha! Was he an orthopedic surgeon? The x was. ????????????❤️????❤️
LOLOLOL!!!
On our wedding day
I travel the the world forging
better memories
You don’t know who you are
A man, a mouse, or a car
The fortunate thing …
is it’s her problem
I don’t want to know who you are
You set my life on fire in March and pushed me out to sea
My mind bobbed wildly against the waves
Ablaze, but strangely free
I patted flames and held them back
But the fire raged on in me
Consumed me still for months beyond
Despite the stormy sea.
The sense of calm, mistook for pain
I then recognised and knew
My mind was fine, the pain you gave was really meant for you.
I’m just hot and you know it.
Rimshot!
If you encounter him on a first date
Beware, he will spew out such hate
You’ll empathize with his short Cummings
Who uses an micro stick dick for bait?
What do you call a…
Grad student who fucks her prof?
One dumb cock-sucker.
What do you call a…
Prof and ho who fuck with me?
My dumb bitches now.
The man who seemed honest and tender,
Turned out to be quite a pretender.
His preference for youth
Made me see the truth.
I shipped him out, “Return to Sender”.
Brilliant!!
Nice one!
For the win!
LOVE THIS!
Genius.
????????
” Infidelity Valentines” and keep it bitter”
Where on this whole wide earth ???? can a Chump wake up, click on to CL and immediately get a heart lift feeling to their day?!?
And THE CARTOONS, you don’t even get them at the movies any more ( replaced with turn off your cell phone clips)!
Thank YOU, CL, for making life bearable!
Your’re the best!
A dumbass with no self control
Who banged anything with a hole
Took me as his wife,
Made chaos my life,
Then I left the mis’rable troll.
Love it !!
Ami, you are on a roll this fine morning!
Thanks! Limericks inspire me. ????
They should.
The limerick is furtive and mean.
You must keep her in close quarantine.
Lest she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
(And now that I think of it, I suppose UXworld’s ex KK is a lot like that, ….)
Hugs.
aeronaut
????????????????????
Dear OW;
Your prize has arrived!
Pay cash on delivery.
All souls are final.
P.S. OW:
IF you were looking
For freedom, love and hope, thanks
for giving me mine.
+1
Perfect! Now I have freedom and OW has the chains.
BOOOOOM!
Magneto for the win!
I actually got in trouble in the 7th grade for writing lyrics. My bad! That poor lady teacher probably retired after. Almost made me hesitate to post! 😀 Thnx
If ever you’re faced with a cheater,
Please know, your life could be much sweeter.
Just leave — gain a life!
You’ll find much less strife
And gain a refined BS meter!
Ok, that’s three, I’ll stop. (I ???? limericks!)
????????????
Love
Yesss this is my fave. Love it and love my new refined BS meter
That is AWESOME! My favorite so far!
I always felt off balance
Found your soul a void
We left and stand tall again
My ex is a bit of a bitch.
Stranger’s beds she liked to switch
I may be a chump
But I know how to fake pump
Get outa my life you witch
There once was a skanky chump named Mylinda
Who cured her broken heart with my dear mistah
Over and over he told her “Leave me alone”
But she wouldn’t give up, she wanted to bone
She won turd number two and lots of bad karma
Awesome CC
Thank you Blee! I can’t believe 27 years has been shattered by a fellow CHUMP! Who could do this to someone after living through it yourself? A soulless whore, I guess. 🙁
Mine was a chump or so I thought. His first wife left him for s/o else & he swore ho could never do that to anyone. Well 20 years later (prob less) he did. I think he secretly admired her for being able to use & discard people. He learned well.
I am so sorry lovedandlost. Hang in there! xoxoxox
Happened to me, too. I got left for a fellow chump. Pretty sure she’ll figure out he’s not exactly who he portrays himself to be. They deserve each other.
I am so sorry 2old4drama! I wish it hadn’t also happened to you. I just don’t understand how another chump could put someone through this. She told us how devastated she and her daughter were. But then she told my husband she did not care who she hurt, she was going to be selfish. Uh, yah. The indescribable pain, despair, and shattered heart and soul I have right now I would not wish on anyone on this planet, not even her.
Crushed Chump,
You are not alone. My last boyfriend, fellow Chump, who I thought was my friend for decades, coldly dscarded me for the last time for his work subordinate.
Sending you hugs.
Thank you for the hugs RockStarWife. I am so sorry it happened to you too! Sending you hugs right back! XOXOXOX
Within there’s no heart
A space heater with a plug
Lost your power source.
You nailed it, Doing!
Thank, Chimpiest.
There once was a man with no friends
‘Cept the ladies with whom he pretends
He had quite a pout
When I kicked his ass out
And his cake eating came to an end
Good one, Sassy Pants! 🙂
love it!
Hey Sassy Pants, did you know my fuckwit??? Sounds just like him!
Love your name and your poem!
I know you wanted bitter, CL, but not feeling that today.
These two guys named Rhys and Mac
each turned a part of my heart black
but with my fiance Ben
I’ve been smiling again
And the light seems to have come back
I couldn’t do bitter either:
There is no bitter
When finding yourself washed up
Right on meh island
Lovely ????❤
Yay VC
Down the wedding aisle we strode
Our future rosy and bold
Little did I know
He had a scank in tow
Cheater’s wedding vows behold.
He won’t cheat on me, said she.
As she awakes each day drenched in his pee
The covert is so cleverly sly
Moved her close to his old supply
Alway, honey you’re one out of three.
Lord Fuckwit went in search of the moon
He found a star and made her swoon
Then he thought with his Penis
And found a new Venus
But it was really a wrinkled old prune
Love it!!!❤️
LOVE IT!!!
Ha ha Feelingit! Love this!
And one more…
I married a man named Richard
Whose brains couldn’t half fill a pitcher
When I found all the pics
He became my ex, Dick
Losing him has made me so much richer
Roses may be red…
But so is your drippy dick
…got gonorrhea?
For the WIN!
Thanks pineconeelf. Blew coffee out my nose with that one.
There was a cuntfucker named Earl
Decided on an intelligent and lovely girl
As the years went by he gave Donna, Karen, Linda, Sharon, and many others a try
After all he was a serial cheating, pathological lying, drug addicted alcoholic, porn addicted, sociopathic kinda guy
Pathetically at sixty he’s with the one that would make any man hurl.
Swap out shopping and food for drugs and alcohol and you’ve got my ex. And he just turned 60 too. They certainly don’t get better with age.
My ex was screwing a whore
Then I showed him the door
Whore died few months ago
He didnt even feel low
Woman he’s with now thinks she won a prize
Hopefully she soon becomes wise
James Bond: “It really is tragic that two people who love each other so much can’t work it out.”
Just a condiment
Like ketchup on a hot dog
Take it or leave it.
Sums it up, right? You, my friend, have reached meh!
I once thought I had a good guy
For years on our marriage did try
Found out I was duped
So I flew the coop
May his dick forever stay dry
So funny Diana ????.
Really enjoying all these. Great idea CL
There once was a Ho named Heather
Who thought she did everything better
She saw my wasband and really quite liked him
And now they’ve left me, thankfully, free
Asshole stole my money, ideas, writing and art
To sate the greed of his untalented fart
Who faked authenticity but was so rotten inside
That readers detected her stink and her lies
Only one of us has talent, honor and a good heart.
His lame-ass excuse
He could not get his rocks off
With just porn alone
Cheater fucked a howorker in his marital bed
Traded a quarter century relationship for disease-ridden head
The marriage vows? SHATTERED
The betrayed wife’s heart? SPLATTERED
Can’t be faithful? DON’T GET WED!!!
Great one!
Wife was sleeping with multiple men.
Thought I’d never know peace again.
But I got an attorney,
And began a new journey.
Now I’m nearly at Zen.
Much needed.
Well done!!!
Love this! Great message and rhymed to perfection.
When you left there was this massive space
A hole of once again being replaced
Without your limitations I finally knew
By setting boundaries and taking care of myself I grew
Doingme took your place.
That was awesome Doingme!
Thanks!
There once was a tart named Donna,
My husband, he fell right upon her!
She was really quite low
That dirty old ho,
I really can’t see how he’d wanna!
Love this Justine!
His days once ended
Wife and child at home each night
Now roaches await
—–
Annual bonus!
Settlement says I get half!
“It’s not fair!!” waah waah
—–
There once was a cheater so sly
To his wife he often would lie
“I’m just spending my time with a friend!
To ski, camp, and sail should not offend!”
Um, yeah, he was boinking the guy.
He covered his crimes
There once lived a cheater named Paul
Who thought he could easily have all
His wife crafted a plan
To ruin that man
Now he looks at his paycheck and bawls
Love it!!
ha ha …. perhaps our two guys can meet and commiserate!! But mine will hit on yours!!
Ex would take really long poops
In order to text with his Schmoops.
So I found a new bathroom, all mine,
Fully renovated and oh-so-divine.
And it’s her turn now to be duped.
OMG. Mine did this tooo… i thought this odd in the middle of the day! And why do you need your phone to poop? You cant do more than one thing at a time anyway…… love reading all of these!
Omg! LOVE this. I had a poopie Schmoopie texter too!
So great!!! yeah, the bathroom texting was out of control. I wanted to barge in there a few times – thank God I don’t have to worry about that now.
Bwahaha, rhyming poops with Schmoops is brilliant. They all pull this bathroom texting crap, right?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Having sex with my husband
Makes me
Mad at you
This one is truly a valentine. Clever, Blee!
I actually upped the game and went with song lyrics ALA Patsy Cline.
I changed the lyrics to She’s Got You;
She called him Pookie
I call him Worm
He said she’s just a friend
He’s lying and it’s confirmed
The only think different
The only thing new
I’ve found my joy again
She’s got you
That should be the only THING different, not think. I hate spellcheck sometimes…
DD is really upset
You haven’t shown any respect
Introducing the HO
Has been a big blow
And I had no idea to suspect
There once was a cunt named Renee
Who would do anything for a lay
She went after my Eddie
In her sluttiest teddy
Dickwad thought I would beg him to stay