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Please Don’t Kill Yourself for a Fuckwit

I get a lot of sad letters at Chump Lady. Letters like:

“I know I should leave him. But I am in pain, I really really love him so much!!! My life is meaningless without him. I think about him every single minute. I keep hoping he will realize I am the best girl, without me, he won’t be as happy as before. I am hoping he will change for me, I am hoping we can get back together. My world is only him. I don’t want to live without him. If he leaves, my world has no meaning anymore. I want to end my life.”

Please don’t end your life for a fuckwit! If anyone out there is feeling suicidal over a fuckwit, call a suicide hotline, call emergency services for an immediate psych evaluation, get on anti-depressants, find Jesus, find Yoga, adopt puppies — but whatever you do, do NOT kill yourself for a fuckwit!

Can you imagine a more pointless death? Offing yourself for a cheater? This is like committing hari-kari for finding gum on your shoe.

Look, I’m not trying to make light of your despair, chumps — I’m trying to offer perspective. I’ve been there, but let me tell you, these feelings are transitory. It baffles me now. but I once imagined driving into highway medians. For what? A bald, fat serial cheater who read fantasy elf lit and draped his trousers over chairs? A man who couldn’t pick up the dinner check for his widowed mother living on a coal miner’s pension, but would happily drop $800 on a new crossbow for himself? That selfish bastard? I marvel now that I wasted 5 minutes in his company, let alone considered ending my life over him. WTF was WRONG with me?!

I couldn’t live without THAT? The mindfuckery? The gaslighting? The constant drama? The pick me dance? The fucking elf lit?

Oh but there were good times! He… he could be really charming! 

Yeah, like that time he threatened to kill me. #Kodakmemories

Fact was, I had sunk costs. I’d been whiplashed between sparkly impression management (KIBBLES! I GET A KIBBLE!) and straight-out abuse. I was EXHAUSTED. I had invested so much in that lie, but it was MY LIE. It was my LIFE. Please God, don’t make me start over.

Starting over was exactly God’s plan. And thank you Jesus, because I have a pretty swell life. Like yesterday, my son’s home from spring break and we went to the new Smithsonian African American museum (his idea!) and had a great day together! And the day before that, he went to art class with me, and my Russian instructors swooned over how handsome he was, and told him he looked like Pushkin! And this kid hung out with me, drawing (my thing) for three straight hours, because he loves me, and maybe I’m kind of fun to be with sometimes, now that I’m not a snotty mess mourning a fuckwit.

Sure, my son would still love me if I was a snotty mess mourning a fuckwit, but I am infinitely more cool without the fuckwit.

And you are too. Which brings me to the Universal Bullshit Translator.

“I know I should leave him. But I am in pain, I really really love him so much!!!

It’s completely rational to leave people and things which PAIN us. Loving pain? Not rational.

Healthy love doesn’t inflict pain. Do you want to be healthy, or unhealthy?

My life is meaningless without him.

No it is not. YOU ascribe meaning to your life, not him. DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT POWER. Fill your life with a thousand things that are NOT him — peonies, Broadway showtunes, warm cookies, Agatha Christie novels, handknit socks. These are just a few of my favorite things… that aren’t fuckwits. Make your own list.

When you give him ALL meaning, that means you are prioritizing his God-like status above people who actually DO love you, like your family or your children.

Really? You want to worship at the Fuckwit altar when you have all that?

I think about him every single minute.

Don’t.

Seriously. STOP IT. Go out for a walk. Dial a friend. Dial a stranger. Get on my forum. Drop and give me 50 pushups. Just STOP this shit.

I keep hoping he will realize I am the best girl, without me, he won’t be as happy as before.

That’s not going to happen. If he valued you, he wouldn’t cheat on you.

Forget about his happiness. Trust me, he’s happy fucking you over. It’s what these people do.

How about you be the “best girl” for you?

I am hoping he will change for me,

Not gonna happen.

I am hoping we can get back together.

Could happen. And then it will bring you pain and thoughts of suicide. Ergo, I don’t think getting back together is a good idea. The fuckwit isn’t having a character transplant.

My world is only him.

Your world is too small. Why not have your own world instead of being a minor satellite to Planet Narcissist?

I don’t want to live without him. If he leaves, my world has no meaning anymore. I want to end my life.”

“Here lies the remains of a Minor Satellite Chumptronic 45DK0983, which crashed to earth after its last voyage to Planet Narcissist. Its exploratory mission ended when it found Planet Narcissist arid and uninhabitable. Scientists believe the minor satellite then had an existential crisis when it falsely concluded that no planets could sustain life if Planet Narcissist could not sustain life.

The satellite was last seen hurdling towards Pittsburgh, as a fiery ball of space trash.”

Don’t end your life over a fuckwit. Live. Explore. There are better worlds out there.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Amen. A cheater is not worth it. Your life is too precious, and such a gift to sqander that way…by killing yourself over a cheater…would be a shame. It does get better…the pain is finite even if it feels infinite.

    • I got swept into the pain aurora for too long based on my views of righteousness: “I didn’t deserve this.”

      I now understand Clint Eastwood’s response to Gene Hackman in “Unforgiven”:

      “Deserve has nothing to do with it.”

    • Interesting timing. I was just thinking about this subject the other day. I went through the “suicidal ideations” period to the point that I even had a target date. Thank goodness I didn’t go through with it because I now realize the destruction my family and friends would have to endure would have been horrendous and very unfair [to them].

      My thoughts the other day were: “Why do [we] Chumps turn our pain inward? Why do we become self-destructive (i.e., excessive alcohol use, etc.)? Why INSTEAD are we not like the rockstar Pink? When she and her husband were going through their [divorce?], that woman wrote a song about it and announced to the world that she was a BadAss… and probably made a lot of money to boot!”

    • I went to my computer and saw this. I am still struggling with being duped and his girlfriend having got all his money, fun,jewels, etc. While I am humiliated and hurt and confused about the fact that he died and he had this big romance going behind my back all these years. Yet, everyone loved him, he was so charming and intelligent and I cannot wrap my head around why he would not have a real marriage with me. Yet he was able to carry on a long long romance with his howorker. ThEY were having the real relationship. I really felt like ending it today, I really did, its been 13 months since he died. His family was obviously in on it cuz they tossed me like a dishrag. Because they knew ? They were in on it? THe girlfriend and him had a plan to get married and dump me? then he died and their plans went up in smoke? and here I am still crying over the life that was a fantasy, I took all the lies and bullshit and ignored the signs and then the aftermath of reality and everything I lost (my time, my youth, etc etc) and I just wanted to end it all. Sorry, I would not have the guts to do it but I am really in despair, not looking for sympathy….

      • I’m sorry you were treated so badly.
        Then the cheater died.
        Hobag thought she had it made.
        Glad you found out about the in laws.
        Now you don’t have to pay money for a divorce or go through that. And you know what happened without any pretending it was something else.
        I wish you well and I hope you’re able to pack up and move forward knowing that chumpiness is not the worst thing in the world

      • Duped I don’t know your story but I know you are hurting. But you know what, fuck him. The good him never existed. I know you won’t believe me right now but someday – soon hopefully – you will know he was just a dirtbag. You can and will be happy again, with or without a man. Please believe this. See CL’s posting today as a sign if you will. Hang in there lady, you are so worth it.

        • Thanks Attie…I really appreciate your kind words. You are right fuck him and fuck his family. They tried to keep in with me after they stole from my house. They were trying to bait me because they realized they needed more from my house and I iced them out/ ghosted them. It was my big middle finger to all of them. Sorry it had to end in an ugly way I’m thinking to myself but that’s how they wanted it. Too bad because I am a really sweet, nice, loving person but I have changed now thanks to the mobster secret keeper demons. Buh Bye to them. I will see one of them in court when this ends. I will pretend that none of this got to me. They don’t know what I know. They think they scammed me along with my husband. F them

        • Attie, thanks for your kind words. You know what Fuck him is right and fuck the inlaws too. I got rid of them I iced them/ghosted them. They tried to bait me becuz they realized that they needed more from my house and I never answered them. It was my big middle finger to them. They thought they have me fooled. They don’t know what I know/what I have found out. So fuck them, those big mobster/secret keepers. They stole even my photo albums to erase that my husband and I existed. Sick F’s that they are. I will see one of them in court when this is almost over. And I will act like none of this bothers me. Like I said they don’t know what I know. They think they have kept operation image control and thought they would control me too. One of the siblings can rest really well at night because she thinks that she controlled the situation and faciliatated the whore to hospice and all the underhanded shit she thinks she pulled off, she thinks I did not piece it together, she can sleep well at night…and protected his whore in the process. Now she can look herself in the mirror. It’s all good in their world…operation image control/ operation destroy duped chump accomplished ! NOT ! I won’t ever let them see that they destroyed me. The one image they cannot control is that I dumped them back. F them !

      • Have you been able to solidify what your part of his estate will be. It is illegal in many places to disinherit your spouse…his relative who is executor cant legally take away everything you jointly owned. I had to meet with the court to be named executor and sign statements stating I would handle the estate within the law…he is risking punishment to steal from you.

        Get mighty and get what is yours then remove yourself from these dreadful people.

        • Hi everyone. No I was not disinherited but I figured out that because of all the secrets, his best friend/confidante/sibling was made executor because I firmly suspect that there was a trust fund for hobag and that he was hiding money with hobag and that sibling of his had to move the money to her. IT is devastating the plans that went on behind my back. The punishment was exacted upon me because somebody if not all, knew about this hobag. SHe was a coworker of his so she was kept a secret. What was done to me is that his sibling and the dirtbag lawyer has held onto stock that was willed to me and now it has devalued. All willed items were doled out to his family first and I still am waiting. A lot of shadiness went on during his life and now even more afterwards. That is what is so gut wrenching. And the knowledge that the hobag was probably got in with my inlaws and they were probably all laughing about me that ‘i’m so dumb’and that my husband pulled the greatest scam ever ! I wanted to tell that Hobag off (her phone number and map is in my husbands cell along with her in favorites) so badly. I know she walked away with 6 figures. To answer another poster, yes, hobag thought she had it made and she did. She knew how to play him manipulate him to the point that they had a great plan because he never wanted me on any joint accounts, had everything password protected and travelled all the time, it made it easy for that ho that was leftover, that nobody else wanted. Meanwhile I worked far from home, gone almost 14 hours a day for work, supporting myself because I was financially ‘abused’ all the while I was facilitating him to be able to spend money on his whore…the whole thing sickens me. And they both pulled off the biggest psychological crime ever at my expense. I am sure the whore moved on no problem with her consulting job (the big front so she could get into companies and screw the top level execs) and all the money she got out of my marital assets. How do I recover from this? I was chumped on so many level even though . I am an intelligent and hardworking, good woman

          • Duped – this is total absolute bullshit! It seems he was in cahoots with in-laws, ho-girl and anybody else he could get on his side while he was doing this. What a bunch of collective pricks! Mob mentality….let’s see how much we can dupe her….heh heh.

            It makes me sick and very angry for you. People can be so cruel and there is no fairness in in. You could be born a great person, gentle, empathetic, caring, loving and trusting…and suddenly when their bizarre behavior begins it starts to corrode everything you thought was true. Well, it did so in my case and I think it’s okay to be damn bitter for as long as you want! Here I am 4 yrs out and my anger is still very real. I used to be such a nice person and now I hardly trust anybody, and for good reason. People are very flaky. I just need to like myself and all my dogs and try to be polite every day. I don’t want any more close friends (except the 2 I have)

            I can’t imagine having nowhere to vent your anger now that you ex is dead. How frustrating because you can’t voice it to him. I was lucky that I got absolutely everything off my chest to the X that I had to say to him during the d hearing, and he even made a proper Apology, or I wasn’t going to settle. That felt good and I’m sorry you got robbed of that opportunity. Also, having that witch get a good deal of money should be disputable. Have you looked into pursuing that he stole marital money?

            The financial adultery is every bit as hurtful (well, almost) as the emotional adultery. It’s amazing how far these assholes go to hide money and hide one.more.thing.from.their.marriage.

            Dupe, I wish I could cheer you up.
            You are one of the stories that is definitely more messed up than mine, and I thought mine was bad.

            Hugs.
            SC

            • Hi SC, to answer your question, no, I have not found any legal way to prove he hid money… solely from my investigations on big whore, I came to some very legitimate conclusions that made sense and everything began to fit the puzzle. Having found out different things, I shared the thought about missing money/hidden money with this horrible incompetent attorney I made the mistake of hiring because as it turns out he ‘revictimized’ me by saying things like “it was HIS money and he could do what he wanted with it” and other very shitty unprofessional remarks. I thought about getting him disbarred etc and have had to tell him off on many occasions. He has not been officially fired, but I take matters in my own hands now and don’t involve that asshole. It just never ends. So having said this, narcissist husband was really planning and plotting with his whore. And I am sure she was LOVING it. It’s sick…he has no reason except that he was a narcissist sociopath. Yes, you are right SC, he must have been on a smear campaign, of course his family must have hated me based on his lies. Its unbelievable ! And what he must have told that whore is on a whole different level I am sure! And as I look back, this all started way back after the honeymoon. He started to subtly belittle and destroy me, it was so insidious I did not really ‘know’ what was happening. He just acted strange at times, saying mean things, etc etc. At the time I did not know what narcissism was. And I know now that psychologically you are destroyed once you emerge from the depths of it. I’ve had time to think and I pieced together the whole entire 17 years. I never was able to recognize it before. So strange what that emotional/psychological/lies/betrayal does to someone ! ‘
              You are right he is not here to tell him anything. I took care of him on home hospice and his whore was sitting outside in her car. I did not know it at the time because I did not know whore even existed. While he was in the hospital whore wrote a text, I am sorry now I did not respond. But it was a contact name of a guy. My husband was a slick mensa brain. It said ‘I got a sick feeling inside. We promised we would tell each other everything’ I read it to him and I said this sounds like a woman (what a chump I was – duh!) but he had it as a man’s name to yet again fool me. He sat there and laughed (I know I’ve told this story before) I had a chill that went down my spine. At that moment, I knew. And it was chilling. Ted Bundy was dying and he had the nerve to laugh. Meanwhile back at the brothel, the whore must have thought that she was being dumped because she had not heard from loverboy. Becuz loverboy was busy dying and chumpy girl was there taking care of him !!!!!! That’s why I will never get over this shit. Ever !
              sorry for the rambling. Thanks for listening. I feel like a mental case.

              • Duped, please never apologize for explaining yourself. And, no you were not rambling. We’re all still mental cases since many of us are still here 4 years later. We are here to listen. You’ve gone through a lot of trauma with all this flooding your brain, and him dying on top of it.
                Your observation of him laughing made a chill run up my spine also.

                I’m truly sorry that you may never get over it because you’ll never have closure (or karma) now that he’s dead. I always thought I’d wish my X had died instead of…, so I wouldn’t have to think about him anymore. Neither answers are great. Thinking about it from your perspective, I think I’d rather they survived instead of died. Both are sad. Please hang in there and keep telling your story, Girl!

          • Duped

            You described the scum of the earth. These people are all toxic.

            How do you recover from all the lies, plotting and disrespect? You hold your head high with dignity knowing you did nothing wrong and walk as far away from it as you can.

            The shame is all theirs. By now you’ve put the pieces in place. You know and regardless must grieve the illusion you once believed in.

            You go through disbelief to believing. Underneath it all the financial rape was small in comparison to being laughed at and the family bond of disorder that allowed the deception.

            You didn’t deserve any of the abuse you suffered. Get your revenge by gerting through it and vowing to live better.

            Character is the greatest asset. You have that.

            • Doing me
              Thanks. You are so right. What a ‘beautiful man” I thought I was with. Everything would have been normal and great had my husband not been disordered. He just could not have an emotional connection, it was easier for him to play games and dupe me and find a whore to be with; not only that but he was lovebombing her and she was hooked i’m sure. She was after money. I never took a dime from my husband. I was a worker with a strong work ethic even though I did not need to work. Boy, what a dummy I was! Out working killing myself while he was having all the fun with whore on a platter (sorry but I am really disgusted) You are right. The financial abuse was nothing compared to the darkness I am going through. At times, I think oh, I will just go on. But I cannot believe the levels to which so many people must have been involved. All the flying monkeys and the lackeys. The whore had all this well orchestrated. I guess she was a true ‘professional’ she wanted my husband and she was stopping at nothing…that old dog, that old hag. She’s not even young and pretty…just narcissistic ‘supply’ with a beachhouse. I wonder how long she was going to hang In there….what a pig.
              Yes, you are right my character is intact and great. I found out a lot of his family was jealous, they wanted him all to themselves. He was the golden child. And his sister controlled him.
              Yes, it was very toxic for me. A sensitive loving person can never be in a wolf’s den. I agree with you it was toxic. What always makes it worse is that in the public eye, he was unbelievable, nobody was more accomplished or nice or sweet than him. He is textbook narcissist sociopath. But that still does not make it easier to deal with. It makes it more difficult because nobody would ever believe the real him. I know the real him because his mask slipped …

      • Dear Duped, I know you are not looking for sympathy but I am sorry you didn’t get to call him out on the arsehole he was. Take care of yourself. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. X

        • Amanda, thank you. I hope we all find happiness. It is all so surreal and nightmarish. I feel isolated and alone but thanks to you wonderful people who truly understand because you have all been through it. I truly appreciate each and every one of you. You cannot possibly get your point across about what you have been through to people that have never experienced anything like this. At least we all understand and that makes it a little easier and helpful that we can share our stories.

      • Duped, the shock is so real. I’m told it causes a “wound”. in our brains that can be seen on a PET scan. Please hold on for another day. Better days are ahead, I promise you. Practice extreme self care— treat yourself as you would a loved one with a terrible injury.
        Huge hugs to you. 💖💖💖💖💖

        • Motherchumper
          Thanks so much for your kind words….you would not believe that I really wanted to end it today ….just could not take it any longer….and something told me to go to the computer and up popped this new article from CL. I could not believe it. I think that we all have guardian angels…especially because of what we went through…out of our experience with these husbands/narcissists/sociopaths or whatever they are, we have been handed a lesson to be learned, or a fresh start to be given. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise…

    • Amen, DM. This is a really difficult topic for me to talk about. For years before I met my cheater I was a troubled person who had many suicide attempts under my belt. After I met him that didn’t change, so he knew how vulnerable I was that night, seven years into our relationship when he stood in our bedroom doorway and said he was done with me and if I didn’t leave, he would. Then he said, “Don’t do anything stupid” and walked out the door to his lover.

      I knew immediately what I had to do because I could not fathom how I could survive having screwed my life up so badly. I had nothing left. Nothing. For the first time in my life, I had no idea how I’d pay the next month’s rent.

      I took an enormous overdose and woke up three days later in the hospital and stayed there another week. Somehow I told the staff that he could not come see me or hear anything about how I was. Of course I have no idea if he even tried.

      I moved in w/ my elderly parents and tried to find a reason to live but I was still faking it. In a few weeks I took another overdose in my car and ended up on the sidewalk a block away from our old apartment gasping for air. A passerby helped me and stayed with me until help came. I woke up two days later in the ER.

      By then I knew that, while I may not want to live for myself, I had to learn to live because of the huge emotional toll these attempts were having on my poor parents and adult daughter. I could not make them suffer any longer.

      So I began therapy and wen’t a lot. I took meds. And, as you all know, I began to swim, and swim and swim and swim. Then I went to church. I really wanted to live.

      Since I knew he knew I was going to try to kill myself when he walked out that door I decided that I would live in spite of him and that I would do more than live, I would succeed.

      So, for all of you in the very early days of pain and suffering that you feel you cannot endure — You really can endure it. If I did, anyone can. Trust that it will get better. Take small actions every day. Don’t give up.

      My days of suicide thoughts and attempts are far behind me, finally, and they will never come back.

        • MovingLiquid I know I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating. Your story inspired me after Dday when I first found CN. You gave me such hope. Thank you.

            • Moving Liquid – so good to hear from you again and I’m so happy you are doing well. I think I’ve followed you since I first got on this site 4 yrs ago. I hope your future looks bright.

        • Inspiring story and thank you for sharing it.I remember when our daughter died, as a young baby, I said to a SIDS mum; do you ever feel like you’re a member of this club, that no one wants to join? I feel like this here, and yet we have all gone through this experience that has transformed us, opened our eyes, forced us to search out ways to survive and thrive. You are a shining example of this.

  • And again you write the perfect piece just at a time I need it the most. Thank you doesn’t seem enough, but thank you anyway.

    • Kath- you are so much more than the cheater, you are also so much more than what the cheater has done.
      I clearly remember going to church every Saturday and thinking about jumping off a bridge that I had to walk over on my way to church. I made a deal with God every week walking over that bridge, if I didn’t feel better after the sermon I would end it. Every Saturday after church I felt a little better and agreed that I would hold off until the next Saturday. This was my routine for 3 months.
      I am 2 years out and reflect on that period of how I thought I wouldn’t ever be okay. But you know what? I’m better than okay. I finally have peace with what happened and honestly cannot imagine how different things would have been had I continued with the mindfuckery by him. I am happy now, I am dating and I am enjoying the fact that I will NEVER put my happiness with another person. I told my therapist a long time ago, “ but he makes me happy”. Her response was “ and he also makes you sad, hurt, angry, etc. Own your shit and don’t give someone that type of power”. She kept it gracefully real.
      Do the work…. journal, go to therapy, whatever you need to to get through this hell, but DO NOT end your life. You are an amazing and wonderful person and once you believe it, your tolerance to allow someone to hurt you will no longer be an option. Stay Strong!!

      • Excellent advice all around. Before I discovered X’s infidelity, I always told people that if I died and it was deemed a suicide, it would definitely be a murder. I was that sure of my will to live. During the awful first days after I learned of X’s callous infidelity, I was on a business trip and ended up in a high rise with a huge balcony. I would not even let myself even open the curtains, much less go out to view the beautiful scenery below. I was afraid that I would take my temporary pain and make it permanent to those who loved me.

        How could I, someone who loves life, get to that point? I was in so much pain, and I did not see a way out of the darkness. What saved me in the short term was my children. I was not going to leave them the legacy of suicide. I knew that having a parent commit suicide increases the likelihood their child will do so by something like 50%. I could not do that to my kids.

        Knowing suicide was not an option was not enough, though. I also had to decide I wanted to live, not merely exist. I am sure many people here have experienced the grayness of depression, the feeling that you are just going through the motions. I didn’t want that for myself, or as a role model for my kids, either.

        I decided to do all those things that I had never given myself permission to do while I was married. No, I didn’t go crazy, hitting up bars and men (but if that helps others, fine with me). Instead, I looked for the woman I was before I married. I was always a green thumb. Now, I do all kinds of crazy thing in my garden, grafting fruit trees, growing organic herbs, and making a beehive by hand.

        I also did lots of silly things, like drink from the milk carton, watch all the shows X never would, walk around the house naked, turn the music up loud and sing along at the top of my lungs. I reconnected with old friends, rode my bike like a maniac, and slept as late as I wanted on the weekends. Small things all, but things that led me back to who I am.

        Each of us has something that makes us feel happy, that brings us joy. Unfortunately, infidelity robs us of that sense of joy. After we learn to survive infidelity, we must also learn to find that joy again. It doesn’t have to be accomplished by making some huge act or statement. It can be found in the smallest things.

        I know many of us here are in so much pain, putting on foot in from of the other just to get through the day. There will come a time, though, when it will be time to move on to the next step, which is discovering what you want your future to look like. Yes, the cheater’s conduct impacts our present circumstance, especially those who have also suffered financial infidelity. Still, we cannot let anyone rob us of the essence of who we are. More importantly, we cannot allow someone to rob us of the incredible journey we have before us. It gets better. It truly does.

        • Thank you. This is so so true! I needed you to write this. A year out from DD; after 36 joyless years of mindfuckery; I am slowly putting the pieces together. I also had suicide ideation but I refuse to give anyone that negative evil power over me. My adult children deserve better from me. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU CN & CL. I am still here & I will thrive!

        • Violet, what a great post.

          I had a revelation the other day. I have in the past had thoughts of suicide but never thought I would act on them and haven’t.. last week when I read the story of a murder/suicide of a husband and wife divorcing in Maryland, I thought, the poor children left behind and it hit me hard. How incredibly selfish that act was. I think that it is probably the rare chump that follows through for just that reason. But I know the pain is severe so I am sure it happens

          • Reading this thread makes me think of how I found a hit in STBX’s Google history search. The s arch words were “tie a noose”.

            As I was snowblowing today for two hours, I had time to think about things. And it hit me that he could have been callous on top of callous. Can you imagine finding your cheater hung? How could I have stayed in the house? What would I have said to my special needs son?

            I’m so glad I threw him out.

      • Me too! I also pictured myself driving into an embankment off the side of a highway. And like ChumpLady says, “WHY??!!” For what??!! A Fuckwit!!! I’m three years out and life is SO, SO MUCH BETTER! I cannot believe I even contemplated ending my life over a fuckwit! He is the biggest loser in this. He threw away an honest, loving woman for a skank! What a total dipshit, fuckwit, and any other name that can describe somebody who is completely stupid. They just got married and they really and truly deserve each other! I am so much happier now, but there was that devastating time in my life when I thought I’d rather be dead than live without him. Thank the Lord God that HE helped me through it and now I’m so much better off without that fuckwit in my life forevermore! And I will never have another fuckwit in my life again.

      • Thank you lost 220# deadweight, I really appreciate your reply. I have so much good in my life, I’m just so tired of thinking about “them”. I’ve done all the meditation, breathing exercises, refocusing, exercise and everything you can think of to switch my brain off but it hasn’t happened yet. I’m just tired.

      • I loved your therapist’s response to you when you said, “but he makes me happy.” I was SO stuck on that as I was trying to unravel the skein of fuckedupness. “And he also makes you sad, hurt, angry, etc.” I will keep that sage advice in my arsenal. I’m 3 years post divorce and have reached the land of meh (only due to the fabulous people on this site.) But I will use such words of wisdom for my next friend that goes through something similar. Thanks!

  • Very good. Glad you are saying this. I had to say to a friend whose husband has cheated who is now OW he is not worth your life. She made statementa to me about not caring for living.
    Another thing CL for those hurting. Don’t sabotage your health and not take care of yourself! She actually blew off medical treatment she needed because she said she didnt care. You will get through this. A cheater is not worth it.

  • Dear, I suspect you just found out. And you are trying to re-gain him, re-wrest him from the clutches of the octpu(ssy), telling him of your deep love that he has forgotten to see.

    Look deeper. He is not the only ONE in your life. You also have you. And you are not a doormat.

    Unfortunately, the thing is that he is already done with you. Just ensure, he does not come back to stomp on you again.

    I recognize and acknowledge your emotional mess. There is no easy way for it. But don’t kill yourself for him. He is not worth it.

  • “Starting over was exactly God’s plan. And thank you Jesus, because I have a pretty swell life.”

    I’m in the middle of my divorce and sooo afraid that i’ll never get to be happy again. I have a 2 year old and so afraid to raise him alone. To never love again… And be a sad woman watching my ex and the OW being happy…

    • Brazilian chump – HE IS NOT WORTH IT. HE IS A JERK! Say that as often as you need to. I am so, so much happier (honestly) without the Twat in my life it’s unbelievable. I have had a couple of relationships (who remain friends) but I haven’t found love again. Does it matter? Not at all. Don’t give him the satisfaction of breaking your heart. Oh and he and the OW are only faking being happy. Give it time. There’ll be karma. Take care of you and your little one. Big hugs to you.

    • BrazilianChump, you’re not alone. We are all here, and we all know the same pain. Some of us are just starting our journey out of the mindfuckery, some of us are here lending a hand and helping us out of the pit. I was discarded 5 months ago. I’ve been where you are. I’ve thought I will never find happiness again. I find happiness every day when I look at my son. I am finding happiness when I realize I don’t have to listen to the fuckwit’s stupid ideas, and only allowed to do the activities the fuckwit wanted to do. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. You will find happiness again.

      I don’t know about the love part. I’m still learning what makes a relationship real. I haven’t found anyone, and it’s only been 5 months, so I don’t really want to find someone right now when I’ve realized I need to finish healing. BUT, I do have a small glimmer of hope that I will find romantic love again. And you will find that glimmer of hope too.

      I’m starting over, and you’re starting over, and you have a beautiful 2 year old son who you will raise into a beautiful human being. Hugs to you.

      • Brazilian chump
        You are so lucky to have that little one. May god bless you. I never had children because my disordered husband made it clear on the honeymoon, little did I know that this was the start of my discard and that he was a narcissist or so I decided based on everything he did and said and based off his behavior and for those reasons is why I have no children because he had something to hide, something sinister was going on, possibly he may even have a kid with the whore.
        I wanted children but I have been robbed of that because mr selfish had other agendas and plans he was secretly pursuing
        I wish you the best ! You are still the winner because even though you have to raise your child alone at this time, your cheater will get karma

      • Lost 220# Deadweight Thank you for this! I will be my new mantra. I am currently working on overcoming fear in so many areas of my life now that I’m newly on my own. Started school. My fear constantly tries to cajole me into quitting. I spend a lot of my minutes everday in battle of wits between my dreams and my anxiety about reaching them. I live this because it is SO TRUE. Thank you. My future looks bright as long as I can stay the course…

        • SMBO- you’ve got this! I put up quotes and ChumpLady cartoons up everywhere in my house. Lots of days I didn’t even believe the positive quotes, however I still read them every single day. Eventually, your head will finally believe it. And once you get to that place, it will be so bad ass and when doubt creeps in, you’ll say “fuck that shit” and shut doubt up.
          Treat yourself as good and kind as you would yourself as a child. Again, you’ve got this!!
          As for the school piece, I got my Master of Social Work while going through the clusterfuck of cheating, a bogus restraining order filed on me, him setting up a video camera in my bedroom, stalking me. Crazy ass shit. It makes my diploma that much sweeter knowing that I fucking rocked it even through the chaos. My friends and co workers are amazed that I did it…. frankly, me too. But the ultimate reason not to quit school—- I think your brain will have more time to be idle and with that comes rumination and fear. Kick fear’s ass to the curb and get that diploma/degree!!

          • Good for you! This takes so much courage. There is so much pain and confusion. We push hard to take care of ourselves and do everything we can to build a new life. Somehow we survive.

            • I went to college at 48. made a 4.0. I kept a kitchen towel across my lap for 2.5 years. every lesson I sat and continuously cried. I had to wipe the keyboard continually. You’ve got this!

          • wow this hits home! I had put my life on hold, in limbo while the cheater lied, went on with his life behind my back, etc etc and made me feel inferior because his hobag had gone to the same colleges and she was like a man with all the engineering degrees and I got two bachelor degrees but never went for my masters. After he died I decided I am going to get an MBA so I signed up online. I am so scared because I really don’t make that much money, don’t even know if I have the smarts anymore and have trouble focusing after all I have been through, but damnit I want to progress and show myself that I can do it.,.,after all, he never supported me or never said how was your day, or never wanted to ‘help’ me succeed, he was too busy fawning over some leftover whore that he was helping her with her career and helping her to succeed ‘they were working very very very closely together’
            so now if I can just believe in myself. My self esteem took a huge hit. Half the time I don’t want to even go on

            • Cheater abusers mess with our self image.
              But that fukker is dead and thank god.
              No more him to tiptoe around making you feel inferior.
              And no fukked up inlaws either. Two birds with one stone.
              You, on the other hand, have you. Wonderful nice good intelligent you. Needs your love and care.
              That fukker never had your back and you would’ve never got to go to school while he was still an albatross around your neck. God works in wondrous ways.

              • Well said Langele. I wondered about god at times. I wondered if he was removed from my life for a reason? I kept thinking there is more to this story that he was taken from this world. And it was NOT in whorebag’s cards to really and truly get my husband in the end. She was waiting with baited breath, but she still never ‘got’ him in the end. I guess it’s karma? That’s because whorebag and prince cheating’s relationship was not ordained by god. My husband always went to church. I guess you cannot go to church while commiting adultery and laugh with your whore that you got one over on your nice wife. I guess god did take care of the situation. As sad/true as it is. God could have saved him but he did not. My life fell apart and I hope Whore’s life fell apart double.

            • Ok so this probably sounds a bit twee. I have this image board, which I really need to keep actively working on so it is alive for me. Anyway I print pictures of the things I am doing to move forward; voluntary work in a developing country, ocean swimming, which I do with an old friend and her swimming group; have now entered two, scared to death of sharks all the time and I am slow but getting better. There is also a picture of a grey rock. Also a list of all my strengths , some inspiring quotes e.g. ” When you’re going through hell, just keep going” Churchill. I like these lines from a poem I printed out:

              You are a child of the universe,
              no less than the trees and the stars:
              you have a right to be here.
              And whether or not it is clear to you,
              no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

              I am having a shit day, work is demanding, STBX is demanding, mediator seems to need some training in feminism as she continues to be swayed by him and his ‘busy executive life’ so I have to fit in around him etc… youngest child hung up on me when I called her to tell her I would be late home from work. She surprised me by not being at home, she was having dinner at his temporary home.

              So lets all just be here for each other, through all the s..t. We cant give up. We are each others life line.

        • I read your post and wanted you to know, that I did the same thing, I started school at the age of 57 and then therapy when I realized I wasn’t able to bounce back. Five years later, after dozens of classes and EMDR, I am in my final semester and will graduate with honors in May. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I got away from my ex, even though I thought I couldn’t live without him. Going to school was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself! You’ve got this!

          • Danette, great job ! congratulations ! I know we limit ourselves because of our age. I think the real thing is that our life was ‘wasted’ by a deceiver and that is why we look at our age as a factor for moving on with life. But you did a great job moving forward. I am all signed up for my masters and I am going to try to get through it. I am definitely suffering PTSD but I am trying to move forward..and as Dr. Wayne dwyer said, “be a limitless person”

    • Hi BrazilianChump — I thought the same thing too — that I would never love again, and I thought too, how undignified to marry again.

      But, I am on the other side of a horrible divorce — cheaters do not play fair — the divorce is final. He split two years ago. I am at Meh, or close to it.

      The idea came to me to reach out to a male friend from college. We had never dated, we were only friends, yet we had done fabulous things together: spent a week in NYC together before attending a seminar. Soooo, whether or not anything comes of contacting him, my internal feelings have changed. I no longer think that I my only relationship options are with only that broken, evil fucked up “man”, or not at all.

    • I have been thru two terrible breakups and each time with small children. There were times that I didn’t think I could do it. But I kept moving forward. My oldest is smart, caring, and about to go to graduate school. All because i kept moving forward and tried everyday to set the example of what a strong independent woman is. Have i made mistakes? Yes, many, like marrying the p.o.s. narc, now ex, two years ago. But even that is a lesson for my children as they can see me pulling up my boot straps, dusting myself off, and keep going. It will get better and everyday that you move forward you will feel better.

    • PLEASE,Please, it’s still so early. Give yourself time to invest in yourself and build yourself up.

      My parents used to badger me about leaving a ‘man’ who used to beat me up and take my money. They used to point to the ‘victor’ and shriek that she was living my life. Then she ran away, abandoning a toddler at nursery. They said that she was a fantasist and it wasn’t true he was beating her and taking her money. YEP its true. The poor bitch got my life.

      She was almost welcome, except that I wouldn’t wish it on anybody,

    • I’m willing to bet that your little two year old will wind up being a light in your life, and you’ll have that delight for many years, while your Ex will never be able to enjoy the wonderful thing that is your family.

  • Amen! When Prince Charming nuked my life I seriously contemplated suicide. A good friend came and sat with me for hours and talked me off the ledge, pushed me into counseling and was a huge cheerleader. Occasionally I sneak a peek back at whete I was 6 years ago and thank God I chose to shake the dust off my shoes and move on.

    It hasn’t always been easy and at times I slip back into old habits. But my support sustem kicks me in the ass, I straighten my crown, hold my chin up, and walk tall. I own my world and refuse to be held prisoner by him and Cinderella.

  • There is no shame in admitting you are having issues with these feelings. The feelings are about you, and the sense of loss, not about the cheater.
    Instead of pointing your pain at another’s actions, try realizing your pain is the natural result of loosing a deep rooted relationship to your primary partner. Your love and feelings of love and compassion came from you, alas, so do these emotions.

    No matter what cheater you were married to, you would still have had the same feelings of love.
    No matter who cheated on you, you would still be going through this grieving process.

    The cheaters may change, but your emotional reactions will be the same.
    So, you may say, so what?

    Well, now you must realize the cure comes from within you, too. It does. You may need help from others to help you, but there are many things you can do to pull yourself through.
    Family, friends, online support, doctors, therapists, meds and education all help.

    Hardest for me? Learning the discipline of optimism. It seemed very awkward and unnatural to dissect emotions and accept what is reasonable what is run away anguish, but I have started to understand myself better.

    I’m still, four years out from bomb drop, learning. It get’s better.

    • So clearly and beautifully said
      It’s SO confusing to move from one way of feeling and understanding to another that is shocking and traumatic for each of us.
      Takes time and hard work and CN’s common sense and mutual support.

  • Ooh how I felt like this so many times. Even tried (not very well – thank goodness)

    Short term, find some people to talk to, not just one because they might not pick up at that exact moment. Luck me I had some good friends in different time zones! People on Chumplady are in different time zones-get talking.

    Next thing I did (during my good moments) was to eat, take vitamins, walk, dance, run any exercise I could manage, even walking to the shop. For a few months I’d focus only on a treat from the shop and then walk 2 miles for a chocolate bar, every day, so as long as I got that done, I’d have done something.

    Vitamins
    Eat
    Walk
    Talk – cycled through friends, the only thing I could talk about for a year or so. So I’d call, talk, call someone else, repeat

    Man, I am so grateful now.

  • I second the idea that hand knit socks are one of life’s greatest pleasures. I’ve been knitting for 16 years now and the repetitive motion is meditative and theraputic. Plus in the end you have a scarf or hat or socks! If anybody wants to get started there are small yarn stores all over the place that offer classes or you can watch YouTube videos on basically how to do anything. Anyway, sometimes the best part of my day is coming home to my knitting and that might sound sad but I truly love love love to do it.

    • I’ve knit over 50 sweaters since DDay. Only a handful as gifts. I finish them, throw them in my closet and start another one. Then I go in the closet and unravel a few and knit different ones. It’s kooky but therapeutic and cheaper than a lot of other addictions. Not by much, but still. I think it’s my justification for bingeing tv and movies. Snow day here today and I have an orange mohair turtleneck on the go.

    • Preaching to the choir here. Many times I’ve used my knitting to calm my brain and reorganize my thoughts. I think it’s like that with any hobby or activity. It certainly helps to rechannel your energy.

      • creating every day is my therapy (along with real therapy). No matter what I need to create every day. I can’t craft to save my life, but I can write, paint, knit, crochet, cook every single day. Although Im moving now and I’m very embarrassed by my yarn stash. Very.

    • I think i took up buying yarn more than the actual knitting. I finally went through some of my stash and donated a few bag worth to the local senior center. Love it though. That and Crochet. Yay for hobbies

  • Suicide is not the answer. The cheater does not care. Trust me I was there. I took pills and drank a lot of rum. Did my cheater husband come home. Nope, he could not leave work. What did he do call his Mother to check on me. The women who criticized me and called me names trough out our marriage. As my Mother and daughter comforted me and told me they loved me. His Mother yelled at me that I got credit cards in his name. Called me a liar that her son did not screw my cousin. Yup, I had a breakdown and she insulted me. My Mom told her to leave.

    Looking back why did I almost end my life for a man who verbally abused me for years. Refused to give me enough money to pay bills. Refused to put me on his health insurance(he did not want the guys at work to know his wife was on his insurance). A man who secretly filed for divorce and I received the papers on my birthday. Only to stop the divorce 2 weeks later. Almost taking my life for a man that cheated on me for years with my cousin. And blamed me for his cheating.

    Get out now do not take your life for a fuckwit. He most likely will not care. Cheaters only give a dam about themselves. Trust me life will get better with out the cheater. You deserve so much more than being cheated on and lied to.

    • I’m so glad you made it through. Just reading what you wrote puts very starkly in black and white doesn’t it. Who would want to take their life for THAT???? You go girl, You deserve so much better!

  • Just imagine the stupid smirk on their stupid face. Don’t give them any reasons to feel important. Or smug. Or whatever 2 1/2 annoying emotions they feel.

  • I’m not going to let this fucker be able to say “I guess she didn’t want to live without me! See! I didn’t abuse her or cheat on her. Why would she kill herself if I was such a bad guy? I’m the best and she knew her life would suck without me! She was crazy and unstable. I tried to help her but she’s just a miserable woman!”
    Hell no.
    I lived 27 years before I met this abusive dickhead. I contracted a toxic disease called Narcisstic Asshole Husbanditis (NAH) but the prognosis is not death. Once you eradicate the disease you go on to live a happy life to the disappointment of the NAH virus. 💪👊🤚🤙

    • I have thought the same thing about what my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend would say if I committed suicide. My ex-boyfriend might found out months later if at all and would not care at all. No matter how sparkly he may look on paper, no matter how popular, he is not worth my life. He is not better than me. My ex-husband, con that he is, is definitely not better than me. Your disloyal, undeserving partner, is not better than you.. you grace the world with your loving spirit and your presence.

    • THIS ^^^^^^!

      Your suicide would only be ego kibbles for your cheater. Very sick dynamics and triangulation are at play here once the affair comes to light.

      I, too, almost did myself in. A friend saved me from pulling the trigger. That incident woke me up, and I got myself into counseling and reached out to friends for support. And I, by chance, came across this amazing blog by CL which I read 24/7.

      2 years out now, and I am SO much happier and grateful to be alive, with my head held high, because I wasn’t the one who cheated and blew up someone’s life.

      In a very disturbing way, cheaters and their new “soulmates” would feel a wee bit of smugness if you ended your life. Sick, but true. What better ego kibbles are there?

      • I thought about after my husband died would he give a shit IF I had died instead. NO, him and his slut whore slore would have had their beach wedding and been whooping it up. After all, they got one over on me ALL these years
        I am just wondering now when SLORE will get hers? When will SHE get her karma. She already stole my life from me for her own gains and satisfaction and HE clearly did too. I know his family would be thrilled if I died, they would be taking over my house in a heartbeat. Narcissists I learned, always GET OFF on your misery and enjoy your pain and suffering. Our suicides would just be their and their HO’s lucky day, its an added bonus for them.

        • Duped💜 I value your friendship here and think you are special and smart and lovely. Those shitheads never deserved you. There’s no justice for all that you suffered. The only thing that erases them and leaves them insignificant is living well. This is my goal.

          When I start sinking into darkness thinking about how I was treated like fucking garbage! and how many people assisted in the deception and how i literally ended up with ONE friend! when i did nothing wrong to anyone!! 😠 I put on my headphones and listen to YouTube videos when I get in bed. Not sure why this helps but there’s a few podcasts that make me feel better. Keeps my thoughts from getting too dark and I learn some new things.

          • whatringofhellisthis
            You are so sweet, thanks for your words of wisdom and your friendship.
            It’s so funny, I do the same thing, I listen to youtube videos, mostly spiritual religious type messages, videos from pastors, etc. and podcasts too, Ted talks, etc. anything positive. I read scripture at times. And on the way to work I listen to my success tapes. I started doing this because not only do I love to learn, but in the beginning of all of this I wanted to flood my mind with positive uplifting thoughts and try to boost myself out of the darkness. I learned so much about narcissism too. But mostly I focused on good stuff about success and goals, etc etc.
            I also started putting positive quotes and affirmations on the fridge, etc. Anything to try to make me happy again, to try to stop thinking about his AP and all that they had accomplished /the life they had together/the sorrow it brought me, etc.
            I am sorry that you were deceived as well and treated like garbage. I kept saying to myself ‘how was I so stupid” how did I ‘allow” this whore to have my husband…I was blaming myself. I did nothing wrong !!! I know what you mean about ending up with one friend. You should see how many people turn their backs or say the shittest things. I had to clear the slate and remove toxicity from my midst.
            Let us live good lives. I pray for us all.

    • whattheringofhellisthis
      Guess what, and your conman narcissist husband’s hobag gets to still be the whorebag homewrecker that she is. She STILL gets to keep that title. And you are rid of con man because you are BETTER than whorebag and you deserve better. And you are better than Narcissist husband because he’s disordered and it takes a lot of effort and energy to be him. Whew, that lying and those secrets must wear them out on top of the non ending demands of whorebag. And probably the Viagra for sparkle dick to perform for overdemanding needy whorebag ! Good riddance to Narc man

      • “Narcissist husband because he’s disordered and it takes a lot of effort and energy to be him. Whew, that lying and those secrets must wear them out ”

        This. My neighbor, who mowed our lawn when he was 16 and came by to plow one driveway last week, came by to check on me today after our last storm yesterday.

        He commented on how much weight STBX had lost. Which was interesting because I was explaining how STBX didn’t like the healthy lifestyle and diet we had now. I explained that he lost wt because he wasn’t eating breakfast or lunch and having 3 to 4 cocktails at dinner time and barely eating what was on his plate. And he loved his own food ad he was a chef by trade. Now I know why he couldn’t eat – because the double life was eating away at him. Literally. He was skinny fat – because he wasn’t eating enough protein his body was cannibalizing his muscle mass to get that protein. He thought he was fit and trim. Oh my, he had such a beer gut. Silly me, I was worried about his health!

        I have also noticed a tremor had developed in his hands, especially his left hand. I kept questioning him, because Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s runs in his family. But now that I can connect the dots, I realize it was because he was leading a double life and was probably pretty anxious about it all and therefore couldn’t eat and had developed a tremor. It was particularly noticeable anytime I entered the office near his computer! I thought maybe he was doing porn again. Little did I know he had this whole outside life of “sex addiction.”

        In the end he said “how old is he? 61? He’ll never find anything sparkly out there.”

        It was priceless. And I could tell he truly meant it. He just can’t believe that Fuckwit did this to me and my family.

        I when he heard that my husbands reason was that he was unhappy and that his therapist told me it been depressed most of his life, my neighbor said “what a copout.”

        • nveragain –
          my husband had developed these great biceps, was strong as an ox, had a flat belly for just about to turn 60, was in the most fit he’d ever been…I know now that him and whore were bicycling because he kept going to doctor for high blood pressure and he told them he was an ‘avid bicyclist” really, I never knew..I am sure him and whore were bicycling round the shoreline…when I met him he had a belly…he really worked at to please his 9 year younger whore. she did not care, she knew how much money he made, she worked with him. She wanted him alllll for herself. But I guessed that he built his arms up from tossing that whore in bed and lifting up her big self…oh then he got the snoring fixed..so he would not keep schmoopie up after their big lay. How he put effort into himself for me. I can only imagine how bendy girl must have been doing acrobatics to keep him pleased. What a skank. I cannot wait for the day she gets her karma.
          my husband was never depressed. he was as happy as quiet lark. I was told by many, why would he not be, he had cake? He enjoyed the deceit and knew you would never find out because him and the whore were ‘professional’ and they were ‘meticulous’ and you could never trace them…because in business integrity and ethics are everything…that’s why she had to be a big secret !

        • my comment below about meticulous…means the two were in a professional setting so they kept those emails very very careful about what they were saying…in case anyone were to find these emails. these two were not stupid…they were meticulous in their sneaking around etc etc

  • Amen, sister! Nobody is worth that.

    FYI: mine also threatened to kill me, once. It was over the most trivial thing, too. I fixed something in our apartment that he had already tried to fix and had failed to. When I had finally fixed it (after a lot of hard work), I joked “see, I don’t need a man, I can do these things myself”. His voice changed to a tone I had never heard before from him, he glared me down with wild eyes, waved an angry finger millimeters from my forehead and threatened to kill me if I ever said a thing like that again. Psycho!

      • Left him, you did well to get out. I don’t think any of us see those shark eyes until it’s almost too late. Mine had me pinned on the bed, sitting on my chest, and holding a broken whiskey bottle to my throat saying “I’ll do it you know, and I don’t care if I do time for it”. We are so much better out of there.

        • Left him, which makes me think, you seem to have pulled off the supreme trick against him by getting away from him. Please be careful. I know you are in Australia but if he was so “insulted” by you carrying out a home repair when he couldn’t who knows what a narc like him could do.

          • Attie!! Sitting on your chest?! Broken whiskey bottle?! Oh my goodness, I am so glad you got away!!! Never mind me, are YOU safe and OK? I sincerely hope so.

            Yes, I did pull quite the swifty on him. And his anger was part of the reason I had to do it that way. He was becoming increasingly volatile and after that threat I was really unsure of what he was capable of doing. I felt I didn’t really know him anymore, and I didn’t trust him even to be around him. He was scaring me. But I never let him know that. I just let him go about his way – out all night with his mistress, but telling me he was working on his project. Yeah, I let him dig his grave nice and DEEP.

            I couldn’t report his threat to the police, because the local police there would’ve done very little about it. But I wrote it in my affidavit once back home.

            The kids and I are safe, thank you for your concern. He knows he is beaten. I still don’t trust the MF tho. Never will again! Everything that comes out his mouth is crap! And I now know he has the potential to be really violent. So, I am pretty much no-contact now (although I allow him to videocall the kids), and he still lives in that country.

  • I think there’s some connection between how much of a giver the chump is to how much of a taker the cheater is. I guess that really relates to how weak the boundaries are and how tolerant you are. To have a self centered and entitled person as the center of your universe take off for what seems like nothing much, is devastating. It does take a while to figure out what to do with that much giving. But I have faith the chump can make the world a better place. Cheaters, not so much.

    It really does take time and distance to see these cheaters for who they are. Once you go no contact, it starts to become clearer. Please don’t do something permanent for a situation that is temporary. And I know how severe the pain is initially, but it does subside. Cheaters and their schmoopies simply aren’t worth it. And it won’t make them better people, it just tells them they are so awesome that their Plan B in life couldn’t make it without them.

    Show them who you are! You are strong, resilient, and worth more than a taker in life. You have so much to give the world and you will no longer waiste it on a fuckwit. They are not worth your time or energy and certainly nothing to pine over.

  • 12 wks out and I get thoughts like the poster’s on occasion. However, I have a 34 yo special needs son who still lives with me and I need to guide through life. I could never end it for him. That’s what keeps me going. But then I have to seriously ask myself if I would really end my life if son didn’t exist.

    I think it’s more like a huge piece of me has died now and I don’t know how to replace that void. It’s still too raw to take on new challenges/responsibilities/recreation, etc. I can’t even focus on all the divorce paperwork I need to do. No, I don’t think I could off myself. He’s a POS. A whore. I could never be with him again intimately. So, no, I can’t want him back, logistically.

    But I am so angry (rage anyone?) that I kept suggesting marriage counseling and financial counseling for 7-10 yrs and he refused each time. I though he was depressed from the big job and I thought he slept in another room so he could have the TV on at night (I put my foot down at one point and said no TV in the bedroom – I couldn’t sleep). So the loop that keeps going through my mind is why I didn’t realize we had a real bad marriage problem.

    Then, I have to stop blaming myself. He has a character disturbance. He abandoned his first family – never saw his son a few states away! Red flag anyone. Damn, so many red flags and I didn’t put it together. But why should I have thought narcissist. Those are rare, right? Nope, they’re not. So angry at myself for picking him, spackling, not realizing I could have seen a counselor for myself. See, if I had seen a counselor back then, I could have started saving for a divorce. Woulda, coulda, shoulda…

    Nope, any thought of suicide I have are quickly replaced by “because of him?!” Nope. Not worth it. That would be giving him kibbles. He really thought he provided everything for me. Some of his parting words were “you wanted for nothing”. Delusional! We had no healthcare (and I am hypothyroid and doc prescribe meds unless I see her but I have no way to get there or pay her), I’m wearing 10 yr old clothes, I haven’t seen an eye doctor or dentist in 3 yrs or more, I drive his 2003 Denali that has 235K miles on it, no savings, 401K blown. Ya, like I wasn’t happy and like I wanted for nothing.

    I never realized how selfish or self-centered he was. Wow. Just wow.

    • “I never realized how self centered he was. ”

      Now, I finally think, totally missed the forest for the trees.

      Fuckwit did provide the material necessities, it was the emotional that was missing. After all, he bought a beach house so the kids and I could enjoy it when he went to his boat. Problem, he worked or went out on the boat 12 hours a day and then when he returned to the beach house tired, he wanted a meal, sex and then sleep until he arose at 4 am and did it all over again. I could have spent the day watching him work or even gone out on the boat when the kids were old enough but I am prone to sea sickness and I hate a day on the Ocean. Fuckwit never gets seasick and I think he gets a sick pleasure out of watching people who do. He would laugh at me throwing up over the back of the boat and had no sympathy for what felt like a hangover after.

      So what he would advertise as a family vacation was me entertaining the kids while he did his hobby. I would look like the ungrateful bitch. He would, at best, give us one day with him at the beach and one trip to do the amusements.

      He also was famous for not holding me back, go do what you want but he wouldn’t do it with me if it wasn’t his idea. If I did get him to do something for me, he would always complain and say it was awful. I once took him to see Manheim steam roller at the Kennedy Center 25 years ago. To this day he would say how awful it was and that it was the worst concert he ever went to. Funny because I don’t even remember the concert now although I remember going.

      I am ranting but I am at a point where I need to remember that he sucks all the time so I stay angry for the divorce and don’t falter.

      It shouldn’t take much though, because his selfishness speaks for itself. Since he left, he has bought 2 motorcycles for himself. If that doesn’t smack of ME, ME, ME. Especially when you have 5 children.

      • My asshat did the same thing. Best description was in his own words ” I’ve done my best to incorporate my family into my friends and hobbies. Instead of it being the other way around.He always said to go ahead and enjoy your own hobbies, yet never joined me, took the kids, or helped in the house so I could enjoy it. The one time I went to a lecture I came home at 10pm to two unfed, dirty, exhausted toddlers and a trashed house because he ignored them while he worked on his hobby project. It wasn’t worth the exhaustion, I NEVER WENT AGAIN.

    • Neveragain
      Im 2 years out and still have bad days. It takes time. You have a son who needs you. I hope you can get into therapy and maybe talk to yoir dr about depression and anxiety. Please find a way to take some time for you too. Even if its a good 20 minute walk around the block. You can’t take care of your son if you don’t stay healthy. I too felt like a piece of me died on Dday. We didn’t have children (i was unable to) so my entire world was him! I lost my own identity over the 21 years we were married and I didn’t know what to do. To top it off he left me for our neighbor who had 2 children who he totally adored! Im sure it was a major kibble that sent him sneaking over to schmoopies house when i was working or sleeping. He was happy playing step dad and i was angry being “left all alone”! Anger fueled me for the first six months, of course mixed with some begging him to come back and A LOT of pick me dancing! Yes Neveragain what we see as redflags now were just “hmm thats odd but oh well he’s a nice guy and he loves me” passing thoughts over the years. Your here for the same reason all of us are here. Your a chump. We are/were all chumps! Don’t woulda, coulda, shoulda yourself. It does NOTHING to help you. Don’t look to The Cheater for any answers. Your wasting your time. It happened because your STBX is an ass**le. Time really does help Neveragain, i know its hard to see but its true! Focus on your divorce, dont go easy on him! Get everything financially you are entitled to! Do me one favor, please. No matter how bad of a day, find one time EVERY SINGLE DAY to laugh out loud at something. Something you think about, or see, or hear. Laugh out loud at least once a day!! Im wishing you all the best and glad you found this site. I kust found it a week ago, iwish I would have found it two years ago. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache!

      • I appreciate your comment on the red flags. They may seem glaringly obvious now, but at the time they weren’t as we didn’t have the full context and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over missing the signs. We were understandably naïve because we trusted our spouses as one should in a solid relationship.

      • Yes, I do have a therapist. She’s my second one. I see your for the third session on Thursday.

        However I don’t have health care so no physician. I am trying to get set up with mass health connector this week. It looks like my husband’s new employer is giving him $1000 pretax to apply to the healthcare of his choice. He is choosing not to get healthcare for himself at this time. He’s going to wait until the company starts up their own health care program. So for now he is forwarding me $450 to apply towards the healthcare of my choice. If there is in the plan in health connector for that price I may try a health share program.

    • I understand the rage completely and also experienced it. Infidelity causes so much pain. You are here for a damn good reason. Yes, your son needs you, but so does the world. You are obviously a caring and loving person, and the world definitely needs more people like you in it these days!

  • You are not alone. We here at CN know how you feel.
    I’m afraid to admit that I too thought of ending it
    after 34 years married. But eventually I realized it wasn’t anything I did to cause him to cheat.

    This is what these sick, selfish sociopaths do. They will never change. Why take your life for someone who wouldn’t even care if you lived or died?

    Read everyone’s comments here who have been there ..
    You are stronger than you realize & in time things
    will get better . Just know that the pain your now feeling will slowly decrease.

    I send HUGS to you …,❤️

  • For some cheaters–the sociopathic soul-sucking brand–this would be a total win. Yay! One more bright soul permanently extinguished, and just think of the endless possibilities for image management and kibbles:

    –“Poor chump really was deeply troubled. I could not help her no matter how hard I tried. It’s a shame, but there was nothing I could do, and I am so fortunate to have found true and stable forever love with the schmoopie who did not mind screwing a married man, hurting his kids, and enthusiastically lying about it all.”

    –“Yes, it really did take the patience of a saint to live with the chump’s disorder for all of those years. Thank you for recognizing my cheaterly courage and sacrifice. I like my ego stroked, but if you could just do that a little faster and with slightly more pressure, that would be great. We both know I deserve it since I am a glorious martyr.”

    It’s difficult, but we just can’t let the darkness suck us up that way. Do what you must to keep the flame of spirit, hope, courage, and faith in a better life and a better way alive.

    • @Cashmere – we are on the same page!! You described a cheater’s sick twisted frame of mind perfectly!

      No matter what it takes, let’s just continue to live and enjoy life, whether it’s out of spite or because we realize that we are worth it!

      • I’m currently only living out of spite because I won’t give my narcopath husband the satisfaction of saying, “NOW do you all see what I endured?! She WAS the crazy one, just like I said! If you’ll excuse me, my enabling mother needs to dry my crocodile tears and my loving adulteress will screw away all my sadz…and my chlamydia and my bankruptcy and my pathological lies, and my prostitutes, and so on. I’m not a bad person!”

        I do hope to get to a place of living for a better reason one of these days.

    • So true, Cashmere.

      As a child, when my narc father’s control and lack of kindness would overwhelm me, mini-Tempest would think, “I will NOT let him kill my spirit.” That practice helped me after D-day because no.way.was.Hannibal.Lecher.going.to.win. No.

      • Yup! And bright souls are apparently the tastiest, so it is really crucial to deny the soul-eaters the pleasure.

        Nope, nope, nope. I will have bad days. I will hurt. I will cry. But I will thrill to beauty and goodness forever, and refuse to be extinguished. I will not be a snack for a dementor.

        We just have to keep that flame burning.

        • cashmere-

          What a lovely, lyrical and moving post.

          “But I will thrill to beauty and goodness forever…” I am so in love with this.

          Thank you for this gift.

  • I knew I would hurt my kids if I killed myself, but I still prayed for God to take me…one night especially, I prayed SO HARD that I wouldn’t wake up. There was a nice lady at Church who was dying…give her my life, God !!

    I was so annoyed when I woke up ! After Dday, I couldn’t eat normally for a while and I lost so much weight…it was my way of showing the world my pain…it really was a cry for help. Cheaters sister told me that “no man is worth your life” but I had really (truly and fully) prioritized him over me and it was hard to change that.

    and now I have a GREAT life…I had no idea that God would take him instead (real shocker)

    I think of the other conservative Christian ladies who were told for years that the way to a meaningful marriage is to make your husband your #1 priority…well there are people in the world who arent worthy of being that high on anyones list…put God first, yourself second and kids third.

    • I have been told time and again by well-meaning Christians that the way to wreckonciliation is to put my (narcopath) husband first. “Die to yourself!” “Let God stamp out every bit of pride you have left!” “You are being blessed to be in this struggle!” Um, hello…? I already have no pride left. I’ve been begging a psychotic liar and cheater to come home. Sigh.

      • That sounds like church crap and not like God. God wants us to be happy and live lives of meaning. If I were you I would start quietly planning my exit and break free from the cheater and that church!

    • unicornnomore
      I hope I can get to where you are where you have a great life. I cannot find the joy, I feel like I am only existing. I keep remembering how ‘fun and exciting and adventurous and ambitious ‘ my husband was and yet that was being extended to his whore. But I have these thoughts in mind that that is the great guy I lost but at the same time thinking but wait a minute he was duping and lying and playing games. How confusing! and complicated ! I cannot grieve because I rationalize, try to grieve his death, think of what I missed out on (our life, our marriage)because of his double life, then I cry over the man I lost or thought he was, then I am ‘glad’ he died, then I go back and forth with all these thoughts…I know it sounds crazy but I cannot wrap my head around what happened. ALL the red flags I thought of after he died, how nonchalant I was about it, maybe I was in denial at the time, I did know some of the crazy devaluing shit he did and his attempts at discard, but at that time I did not know what I was dealing with, so yeah, looking back I saw many red flags. God took him and I was not sure if it was because of his adultery/ sins or because his whore was not meant to have him finally ! or because he was going to church then sinning then going to church etc….repeating the sinful patterns. I don’t know. I know all the circumstances really destroyed my world. I lost weight too and did not care what I ate or if I ate. I know what you mean ~!

  • It breaks my heart to read these sort of letters. I can relate so well to the sheer pain (and suicidal thoughts) that go with watching your life and dreams being shattered away by an asshole. All I can say is that I am still here in this world because of this blog and the advice and support I found here. I know from experience how hard is to trust in yourself and in the capacity to rebuilt rather than give into outside pressure: family, all sorts of people, media, love songs and so on. I chose myself over a disfunctional toxic “us” and a brand new life and wisdom emerged from that choice. Anyone can do the same for I am just a chump like everyone else here. 😊

  • Even though I never had thoughts of suicide after DDay (more like murder), I can empathize with anyone contemplating it. I held on to my faith, family and friends like a person on a life raft after the Titanic and this is what brought me through. If you are considering suicide, please get help. At 7 years out, I can tell you, they are so not worth it. Even though he stole endlessly from me, I’m STILL better off now than with him and many times I pity the ow he left for. Life on the other side is much better.

    • I was going to say the same. Luckily never contemplated suicide. Letting HIM and the Ow live is punishment unto itself. Two very sick people that have to live with their choices and the families that they destroyed. Not so happily ever after.

    • Kurleegirl

      Wow! 7 years out. Im 2 years out and doing soo mich better. The only thing I regret is that I didn’t find this site until a week ago! lol do you still have bad days? Do you still get angry and all that other BS? Have you met someone new or still flying solo? I haven’t seriously been looking yet, did a little casual dating but still living just for myself for now. But i still believe in love and i know mr right will come along sooner or later. Ive definitely learned over the last two years. Definitely no Pick me dancing ever again, with anyone! lol. Is XH still with schmoopie and does he leave you alone after all this time or is he still trying to eat cake?

  • To kill yourself would be a tragic waste of a valuable person for a worthless jack ass who has no morals or integrity.
    Sadly, it would only add to his already inflated ego.., she couldn’t live without my me..,

    I know if I killed myself my X would be ecstatic then use my suicide as confirmation that I was mentally unstable. Gloating, this is why I left Brit, mental instability.., told you.
    Not that he met someone at the hotel gym who likes the same cartoons as he does and therefore has more in common with than Brit, his wife of 20 years.

    That alone speaks volumes, but there’s more, the endless lies, his smear campaign, his disregard for our son, my family the list is endless. I was married to an imposter.

  • The best revenge is live your life well. Only communicate about the kids, my ex cries on the phone, I ignore him, you have to realize if they loved you they wouldn’t have cheated, the worst bit for me when people say he’s really nice, i say he wants you to think he’s nice, and you fall for it.

  • I was hospitalized twice post DDay for suicidality.

    It isn’t pretty but I was lucky to have amazing professional and personal support.

    It took a very long time to find the correct medications to get me to the happy, independent person I am. There are still moments of suicidality but I am able to process and get through those dark holes.

    I am very public about my struggles; newspaper articles, videos and podcasts. Surviving and working to thrive was the hardest thing I ever did.

    If my story helps even one person who might be ashamed to ask for help, then my being so public will be worth it.

    I know hospitalization/medication is not for everyone but for those that are truly ready to commit suicide, including having a real plan, PLEASE get professional help! Not everyone can survive with exercise or friends or journaling. The people I’m speaking to know who they are!

    I cannot tell you what your particular path will be and I cannot promise wishing to die will ever truly go away but it can be managed and a happier (not perfect) life is out there.

    Please, if you feel like you’re at the bottom of a very dark, deep hole or have a viable plan for suicide REACH OUT FOR HELP NOW!

  • Coming from generations of chump women who stayed because they believed there were no options, this Nation of Chumps proves otherwise.

    The best option is to chose yourself regardless of the pain, sacrifices you’ve made, and the fear of the unknown.

    The pain feels like it will never end, it does.
    The sunk costs, the investment and disappointments over time are replaced with peace and simplicity. No more chaos.

    Facing the fear of the unknown makes you strong, rebuilds your identity one baby step at a time. It happens.

    The most difficult aspects of chosing oneself is knowing your value. Bring with a cheater deminishes this over time.

    Get fucking angry. Take your power back. Hang onto that ounce of hope knowing YOU are worthy much more than this person has to offer.

    We are your support system. We’ve been in that fetal position of dispair. We know there is a Tuesday and Meh. We know your pain and have survived and thrived over time.

    You have value. Get pissed. Chose yourself. There’s a whole world of better out there.

    • “Hang onto that ounce of hope knowing YOU are worthy much more than this person has to offer.”

      THIS ^^^^^^

      It has taken me a long time to realize (thank you codependency), but with each day, I know I deserve better.

  • I don’t like to talk about it now but I was once suicidal after Dday and the divorce.
    For me though it wasn’t about “losing” her rather it was when my eyes were totally opened and I realized the truth finally about everything.
    That I had lived a lie for 16 years, that I went from living in a gorgeous home in a country club into my little rv, that instead of retiring at 55 like I had worked so hard for, it would be at 70, that my kids were now 500 miles away and my relationship with them had been altered to the negative due to distance and her BS, etc.

    All of this hit me like a ton of bricks and I seriously started planning to end it. Luckily my Mom spotted the signs and helped me find a great therapist who helped me through it. That all was years ago and Like CL am remarried now and very happy.
    For anyone thinking like that after being devastated by the divorce, know that it will all pass, happier days are ahead and find a good therapist to help you.

  • There were times when the pain was so intense that I didn’t know how I would go on or how I would endure, but I didn’t contemplate suicide as an out. If I had committed suicide, my ex would have just seen it as me being a weak and pathetic woman and more reason to think I wasn’t good enough for him, Schmoopie is superior etc. He might have been a bit sad and annoyed because he would have had to take the kids full time, but it wouldn’t have made him love me more or made him regret ending our marriage in such a hurtful way. Luckily, even at my chumpiest, I knew him well enough to know that suicide would just give him another reason to think I was a loser and as I was busy pick me dancing I didn’t want to do something that would make me seem weak, pathetic, or otherwise anything less than perfect. I was too busy attempting to be awesome while falling all to pieces. I also loved my kids, parents, and other family/friends too much to do that to them.

  • It’s weird to think back and realize I felt the same way. I remember feeling that way, but I don’t remember the desperate feeling of love that accompanied it. That’s because once I removed myself from the unrecognized (at the time) emotional abuse, my mind started clearing. It’s amazing how your perspective changes once your reality isn’t being skewed by mind-fuckery.

    I’m 3 years (almost) into the divorce process, and i am just now realizing that I’ve given way too much perspective to fuckwit. Just recently there was an incident of our teen daughter getting in trouble with one of her friends at his house. He involved the girls parents ; when relaying his perspective on the matter he painted himself as this hero that they were so grateful for. They were great friends, yada yada. ( Insert my eye roll in response to everyone thinking what a great guy he is). Then comes my daughters perspective, “they hate him. He won’t stop texting them. They are pissed off that he keeps insulting their daughter. They do not want her at his house.” Fuckface called me to tell me he had gotten to the bottom of the story and told me how grateful they were to him and me about the text they had sent him. I asked that he forward me the texts so I could gauge what had happened and be on the same page. My daughters perspective was more closely associated with what I read, though they were trying to be cordial it was plainly clear they were unhappy with HIS behavior.

    So what is my point here? It’s this…. cheaters have convinced you how wonderful and desirable they are. How everyone else loves them. How can it be a passing stranger on the street (that they talked to for 5 minutes) is now their buddy? Because it’s their perspective of themselves that is skewed. We just happened to let them convince us that we will never know someone as wonderful as they are.

    Once you remove yourself from this constant assault of delusions, things begin to clear. You get to see them from your own perspective; hopefully that perspective is based on observating behavior and not listening to their words.

    What I saw in him back then was what he was telling me he was, it wasn’t based on who he actually is. That’s where the pain comes from, the belief that this person is so special we can’t bear to lose them.

  • Our brains have trouble processing the loss and betrayal at the same time too. It’s overwhelming. And can feel that way for weeks at a time.

    But as completely irreplaceable as your brain likes to make them seem, they also weren’t real. If they were who you thought they we’re, they wouldn’t have done this and there’s a good chance you don’t want to be acquainted wuth what they really are.

    My counselor who was very wise told me that the pain of heartbreak and betrayal was great but what was compounding it was not taking care of myself through this.

    You NEED to show yourself love and compassion. The not caring for ones self is even more hurtful than the relational / dream loss.

    Spouses are important for sure! But not the kind of behaviour that is harming you! Guard against that. It’s not yoir fault they underestimated your value. Don’t throw pearls before swine!

  • I was there once. For me, it was the feeling of being so gutted, combined with having this seemingly insurmountable task of sorting out my life, starting from scratch, and getting over the pain and yearning for a sense of normal. Most mental health professionals agree that getting out and moving, doing something physical every day, makes a big difference. So I re-discovered running. That daily activity was a regular session of contemplation that provided me with moments of clarity of what needed to be done.

    In those first few weeks of mostly walking, my situation was like the view from the bottom of a mountain range that lay in my path. I felt hopeless. But I knew if I stayed where I was I would continue to be miserable and I was slowly dying mentally and physically. So I struggled and made almost imperceptible, but incremental progress. It sucked early on and I had many stumbles. But every day I moved forward, sometimes zombie-like.

    Eventually I gained enough elevation that I began to realize I was actually gaining perspective. The day I finally moved out was my Freedom Day. I remember that first evening’s sunset. I just stood there enjoying it. It felt like I finally reached the summit and I had my first glimpse of the new valley that awaited me on the other side.

    Life is different now. I’m still getting used the new sense of freedom, of not having the soul-sucking, negative force of my ex in my life. It’s like that passage from The Scarlet Letter when Hester Prynne finally removes the letter. “She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom.”

    It gets better, so much better. The transformation is slow and arduous. But my new life has more promise and potential than the painful wreck of a life I left behind. I have strength. I have boundaries. I am mighty.

    • Awesome analogy! I run too. And it has helped in my recovery. Love the Hawthorne reference.

  • To all who are suffering suicidal thoughts……..

    I planned my suicide twice. Thankfully, I was a bigger chicken than I was a chump! I was desperate and feeling like shit about myself (thanks to my then husband) and I just wanted those feelings to end. Life was just too painful. All I could think about were my two beautiful daughters. I thought about how they would be stuck with their useless father. Sad. I know! I also thought about all I had not done in my life yet and though I was struggling just to shower some days, I forged ahead and believed that I was strong enough to find happiness again! I divorced his sorry ass and built a new life! And although it isn’t easy, finances are tight and I’m basically parenting alone……….I am living a VERY full life! I also discovered so much about myself and how strong I really am.

    PLEASE stick with it and get help. Talk to a counselor. Lean on family and friends when you are down. STAY FAR AWAY from your cheater and build your new life!!!!!! You are stronger than your weak cheater. Go gain your life back!!!

  • I think the allure of suicide is two-fold: 1) an end to the pain and 2) the fantasy that the fuckwit will come to his senses, realize you were “the best girl” and change his life by remaining celibate and in mourning, a broken man whose sole purpose is to now maintain your grave as a shrine.

    As for #1, yeah it will stop the pain, but it also stops everything else. including all the love and caring that’s around you that you can’t see right now. Not to mention all the beauty and joy that the world has to offer when you’re ready to see it. My friends saved my life a little bit every day. They just kept beating the drum of truth in my ears (softly and kindly) until it started ring true.

    As for #2, *none* of that is going to happen. Here’s what will happen instead:

    – Your friends, family, children and pets will be irreparably damaged. Some of them may even follow in your footsteps, feeling as if they failed you, when the only one who failed you is the fuckwit.

    – The fuckwit will use this event to:

    1. Gain huge amounts of narc fuel via sympathy
    2. Impression manage himself into the stratosphere by being the victim while at the same time validating all the shit he’s been saying about you being crazy while he wrongs his hands and puts on a show of self-flagellation designed to elicit more cake from any- and everyone. And he’ll get it too.
    3. Control the narrative of your relationship forever.

    He will not miss you. He will not see the error of his ways. He will not change. He’ll cry because he knows from watching real humans that that’s what he’s supposed to do.

    And he wins. Your side of the story is gone. He gets your kids, your pets, your history.

    Here’s the thing about chumps: we’re not always great judges of character but we are strong AF. Do NOT let this shithead have the satisfaction of breaking you. Yeah, he delivered a knock-out punch, but as long as you’re back on your feet by the time the ref counts 10, the match ain’t over.

    Do NOT let them win. Make them beat you fair and square because, PS, they can’t. The “winning” is in the recovery, the joy, the new experiences, the experience of loving and being truly loved, of experiencing joy and gratitude for the thousands of precious gifts we receive every day just by being alive.

    Narcs are *incapable* of feeling joy and gratitude. QED: you win! You can only beat yourself.

    If fuckwits weren’t so loathsome, we could almost pity them. Almost.

    I know whereof I speak: I was in a five-year “relationship” with a narcissist. In the summer of 2015, my mother died. We were incredibly close (although Asshat did his best to triangulate us and turn us against each other – I will always hate him for that). That alone was enough reason for me to want to lay down and die.

    Throughout her illness and decline, he was never there. When we got the call that she had passed, he broke down crying hysterically and I ended up comforting him. After that, through funeral arrangements and services, etc., nothing. Don’t get me wrong – he was the model pillar of strength to the outside observer but did very little to help and never shed another tear.

    It took me forever to realize why: that night, he was crying for himself. For the loss of a prime source of narc fuel. Not for her. Not for me. Not for the family. Only himself.

    The death of a parent leaves you reeling, but even in the midst of that aftermath, I could sense something was different. I confronted him, since we’d had 3 DDays before. I was told his sudden aloofness was grief, stress, sadness, etc.

    Then, three months later, while I was still coping with deep grief during the holidays, Asshat had a conniption fit (over a Christmas ornament – no lie) that led to a six-month cycle of extreme devaluation (during which I shoveled mountains of cake while grieving) and the ultimate discard. He had been boning a coworker at his new job the whole time. If I had to guess, even before my mom passed away.

    One thing I remind myself of when those nagging doubts creep in: when it was clear my mom’s time here was coming to an end, I told him if he wanted to say anything to her, he had better come to the house then. He did, and we gave him his privacy with her.

    Later, I asked him what he said to her. He told me, “I told her that I would always take care of you.” He actually said that. To a dying woman who had loved him better than his own mother. On her deathbed.

    So either he lied to me about what he said, lied to her in saying it, or maybe both. If that doesn’t show you how completely devoid of a soul they are, nothing will.

    Kill myself for that? No fucking way.

    • Chumpzilla,

      “When we got the call that she had passed, he broke down crying hysterically and I ended up comforting him.”

      I had that as well. My mom died young of a heart attack. I got the call during the night and was shaking and crying in shock. He copied the same behaviors: shaking and crying. I remember lying next to him shocked that he was as devastated as I was. I don’t remember him ever even calling my mom in 18 years. I actually think they (narcs/sociopaths) just copy behavior because they don’t have real emotions or empathy. He certainly didn’t feel grief for my mom or for me (he left me 6 days after her funeral). I think they copy emotions due to image management. Even in my grief I felt that his response to her death was not appropriate for their relationship.

    • It’s all about the false narrative for them. Why they lie with ease. To your precious mother. On her deathbed.

      That alone stiils the nagging doubt.

  • Fear of the unknown can make us wish for the known, even though it’s making us miserable. Plus, when a marriage or relationship ends, it is the end of life as we know it, and as we were planning for it. It is like a death. There are all kinds of things to grieve for, which takes time, and can be wearing. But ChumpLady reminds us that once we are past this stage, life gets good again.

    I highly recommend finding a therapist as a lifeline during the intense grieving period most of us will experience when our marriages end. Sites like this also help, where you can express your misery and pain, and find support. You begin to realize that you are not alone, and that plenty of others have gone through this and made it to the other side.

    I still experience grief from time to time but realize it’s residual for something that’s no longer real. Is it sad that we didn’t make it to the end? Yes. But my life is NOT over, and my story is mine. I’ll take the good from that relationship (and there was a lot) and leave the bad behind, and be grateful for my journey.

    • Mary, you are right it is fear that keeps us stuck ruminating and revisiting the hopium pipe. Recently I discovered my X has cancer and its terminal. Immediately, I felt bad and sorry for him ready to “fix” everything like I always have. Then I realized he has Schmoopie and his new friends and some relatives. He will be taken care of in fact as Mr Nice Guy people will flock to his side.
      When I think about just one year ago I was his wife and partner who would have nursed him to the end I am really sad but why? This guy dumped me after 40 years without so much as a “hope you’ll be ok”. His biggest concern was could he use the rental property on the beach. He had no empathy for me or the family he threw away. This from the guy who was a looking for romance all the time. Who watched all those romantic movies on tv, lived in a fantasy world. So why oh why would I care if he’s dying of cancer? I can tell you if the shoe was on the other foot he would say ‘Oh too bad’ and go play bridge. I wonder if it’s because deep down we know they are deficient and feel a duty to them? My fear comes from my age, while I am healthy and could live a long time, I feel like I have no safety net. I have a good family that will see I’m taken care of but now I face my own mortality alone. But did I ever have a safety net or just think I did? Would he have been there when I died? Like so much of our previous life it was all an illusion and it is scary now to see the reality.

  • This column really hit home! Like others, I am living, breathing proof there is a way through and happiness on the other side of betrayal.

    My first D-day was when I found out my ex had been having an affair for 2 and a half years with a customer service supervisor at the Walmart. Over that time period we had moved in together, gotten married, blended our families and finances, gone on trips, and seen me through a diagnosis of cervical cancer and subsequent surgery. Of course, chumpy me did all the work of getting “us” into counseling (counseling he only ever participated in to ask how much longer we had to do this before I would let his “stupid mistake” go already!) A year later I deemed the counseling to have been a success, and we took a trip to the Grand Canyon to celebrate pulling our marriage back from the brink. While we were there, we met up and had lunch with his high school girlfriend and her husband and kids, and 6 weeks after we got back, she left her husband and kids and he left me and they moved into a crappy motel together.

    It was completely devastating, especially because it was my second divorce for infidelity. This marriage was supposed to be my redemption story after the failure of my first! I spent the next year in a relentless cycle of zombie sleepwalking, crying, slapping together PB&J sandwiches to feed my son, and hiding under the covers, feeling more and more unloved and unworthy. After a year of this, I found myself spending the night sitting at the end of my driveway trying to work up the courage to throw myself in front of the next car that passed, at which point I called a friend and checked myself into the hospital to keep myself safe and so my son wouldn’t grow up without his mom. It was the BEST thing I could have done – and it got me started with meds that I had actually been in need of for a really long time, and I went back to therapy, this time for MYSELF.

    I discovered CL and CN when I got out of the hospital, and have been lurking ever since (4 years now). I read every day for my booster shot of self esteem. Thank you all for being here, because I guarantee that for every chump who writes in, comments, participates in forums, etc., there are many, many more of us who quietly draw inspiration from you.

  • “If he valued you, he wouldn’t cheat on you.”

    This one sentence says it all… it hurts to realize that my XH of 40 years apparently never valued me beyond what I could DO for him (turns out he started cheating all the way back to our dating days). If I never speak to him for the rest of my life, that would make me very happy (I’ve been Zero Contact for 4 years – it’s been wonderful).

  • Excellent post, excellent advice, Chump Lady.
    Thank you for the reminder!!!
    I’ve been there in that dark place and it was a scary dark place. Exh1 nearly destroyed me, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, but he didn’t break me in the end. Thank God, I endured and survived.
    Exh2 only wished I grieved that much for him.
    I realized when he left that I had already survived what I though would kill me, so it was easier the second time around. It was still hard as hell, but I made it.
    The process sucks, but in the end it’s worth it.

  • I felt that way. There were a few nights when it just made sense. The pain would be gone, I could rest and I would not have to imagine what a new future looked like. I’ve always been goal driven, future oriented, imaginative. I’ve reinvented myself over and over (great recession anyone?)

    I still keep suicide in my back pocket. It’s not that I can’t live without him. I’ts the starting over (I’m 60). I just don’t know what to do. I’m exhausted ( past three years of pick me dance, my mom’s illness and death, my child’s illness and my disabled veteran sister). I had given myself a year before I dealt with things (this April). Some Chumps get it done right away. I had to wait until the grief was manageable. Selling the house, getting divorced, finding a home for my sister, working full time for a narc boss, being supportive of my girls who are hurting.

    I talk about it to my therapist. I see her every week and that gets me to the next week. I think I keep it in my pocket because it is one thing I have control over- I can decide. Unlike my out of control life. Maybe it’s my chump way of saying “you are not the boss of me.”

    The thing I have learned in the past year is to live just one day at a time (corny I know but with my monkey mind it is huge). I do look up to plan my weekends but put my head down through the week til I get there.What I don’t understand is that in spite of all the love my friends and family give me it does not seem like enough.

    I do self care but it feels meaningless. My therapist suggest things (hobbies) to try. Most of them I’ve been doing throughout my life. I’m a life long learner. Maybe once the Minnesota winter is over I will feel different. Right now I walk a tight rope balancing between despair and numbness. I have moments of light.

    I’m better off without him. I know this. There is no going back just forward. I just feel rudderless. Healing and self care is boring. I’m impatient – it’s taking too long.

    • Spoonriver, I have been where you are, and it does feel like there is no use in anything. That’s depression talking. For a long time, I would do activities and feel better for a short time, but it mostly felt like I was just keeping busy. I didn’t have anyone to share my day with.

      But, I’m doing so much better now. I have found joy in life again. It didn’t happen overnight, it took a long time, but I am thankful that I’m still here. Things take time, and what you are doing, putting your head down to get through the week, making plans for the weekends when you don’t have work as a distraction, are the steps to getting there. I’m glad you’re in therapy. Please, please keep going. You are a wonderful, worthy person, and you will feel joy again.

      One thing that really helped me was starting to exercise seriously. I felt so much better physically, that I couldn’t help but start to feel better emotionally too. The endorphins are amazing. I recommend it.

  • Yep. The pain feels unbearable – like it will actually kill you. There were so many nights I went to bed hoping that I wouldn’t wake up. I read A LOT about grief. About feeling the loss and going THROUGH it, not around it. Every time I wanted to cry, I didn’t hold back. I experienced every single ounce of the pain. I would go to work and leave after five minutes. I cried in front of kids (I work at a school), in front of my boss, while out food shopping, while driving, on the phone ordering pizza, hanging out the washing. I made sure I FELT it. I knew that was how I was going to recover. By feeling it all. And on the other side of all those tears and screams and howls, it felt better for a time. Until the next time. But then it became longer between episodes of gut-wrenching pain and tears.

    Then…FINALLY…I realised that he sucks. He wasn’t changing. But I was. I was changing who I thought he was. And now, nine months since Dday, I am starting to feel a little relieved. I am starting to feel a little excited about my future. I am starting to SEE a future.

    I cried tonight. The loss is still very real. But there is hope. The pain dissipates. It really does.

    • Crying DOES help. I homeschool my two kids, but because my DD5 was in August, I put both my kids in school this year because I knew that I was too emotionally exhausted to give them the attention they needed. I also refuse to cry in front of my children. So while they were at school, I cried all I wanted. When they were home, hold it together till they went to bed. Then cried again.

      It helped. It started happening less often.

      I found it I interesting to observe who in my life could sit with my pain.

      My parents (very complicated relationships) who advocated for me to leave cheater ex: my dad rarely checked in to see how I was doing. Months went by during my darkest days and we had coffee one day. He asked how i had been as he hadnt heard from me and he figured I wasn’t doing well. I asked him why in world wouldn’t he have called to check in considering he had gone through the same thing when he divorced my mom? Crickets. Ooookay.

      My mom? Could not stand my tears. Begged me to take antidepressants. I adamantly refused.

      My closest friends? Hugged me and cried with me and shared their stories and are there for me EVERY TIME.

      I am so thankful for my friends. And my children. They are young enough that they need a strong mom. Sometimes the kids ask about ex (not their dad) and why we don’t talk to him or his kids anymore. I told them I am not friends with people that lie and are mean to me and our family. So we won’t ever be seeing him again.
      The nodded their heads, eyes wide.

      As shitty as 2017 had been, I forced myself to get on with life. I embarked on a weight lifting program. I figured if I was struggling to be strong emotionally I could at least be kick-ass physically. There were many dark mornings I didn’t want to go to the gym. But I dragged myself there and did the workout. Any by the end of it, I was feeling better.

      Forced myself to job hunt. Started bible study with a friend. Fostering new friendships. Reading again. Bought myself a new car to celebrate being cheater free. Took the kids on vacation.

      7 months ago my life was dark and my pain was overwhelming. Today I am standing in the light and the tears are gone.

      “I” broke up with ex 5 TIMES! Yes, he replaced me with a new woman in 1 week. But its time to reframe this. It’s not “me who lost him”. It’s “him who lost me”.

      I am dynamite. I bring a lot to the table. I loved him deeply but he is simply not worthy. And for crying out loud – If anyone should be in the depths of despair it should be him at losing me!

  • Chump Lady you speak the truth, and I thank you! In fact you kept me sane when it felt as if the whole situation was insanity. You save lives literally and figuratively. Not only am I here physically today but also I am mentally here. Surviving and living the best I can, not feeling like a walking dead zombie. Though not of afraid anymore of dying OR living. Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life

  • It’s so true, about the pain being transitory. When I think back to those first dark days, the ilybinilwy talk, the abandonment just months before our 25th wedding anniversary, the gaslighting, the confusion and pain that ensued. Oh my. I journaled through it, and eventually shredded the journal pages and the suicidal thoughts that were penned on them. It took some months, but I looked back on those pages and felt nothing. They were just words. I got rid of the pages because I would never want my children to accidently find them. The pain, it’s like childbirth. You remember it hurt, but you can’t channel that level of pain with just the memory. The event is over, and with it the pain.

    • I went through natural child birth three times and it didn’t hurt nearly as much as being discarded by the person I loved and trusted most in the world in favor of a selfish self centered home wrecking slut. Maybe I just don’t remember the pain of childbirth, but I remember feeling that it would be worth it as in a few short hours I would meet a new person to love. In regards to abandonment I remember the pain of loss and not knowing how I would go on without the life partner I thought I had. I also remember feeling worthless and unlovable. I do so much better with physical pain.

      • Chumpinrecovery – my point wasn’t comparing the pain of childbirth with the pain of betrayal and discard. The correlation I was trying to make was about experiencing pain that is tangible in the moment, but that with time is nothing but a memory. Childbirth didn’t have me journaling suicidal ideation, the betrayal did. Yet now, three years out, I can only remember that pain as something in the past. It does get better.

    • Three years after the discard, I was cleaning out my important papers box and I found several letters I had written to my ex just pouring out every ounce of my grief and loss, explaining how I wasn’t going to be able to live without what “we” (in retrospect “I”) had built, and literally begging him to come back and save me from myself. I’m so glad these letters were just therapeutic exercises and I never actually sent them – talk about a kibble supply! It was a little distressing to find them agaim, but it was also eye-opening. I honestly don’t even feel like that person anymore. She’s a memory now, and with even more time she will become a progressively more distant one.

  • I have to say I was at this point, too. I’d be driving along and think – how easy it would be hit the gas and crash the car. I was so ashamed of everything and felt so responsible for it all. Luckily I few things always stopped me, the most important being my children. I didn’t want them to have to deal with it and I didn’t want to leave them alone. I did not have any faith that their father would step up to the plate and be there for them. I feared that he would just move on and leave them.

    Then over time I also thought that why should I be the one to suffer the ultimate loss. I may not have been perfect but I didn’t make the choice to cheat and lie. I have to thank CN and CL for that. I’ve read so much here that’s been so enlightening and helpful. I had always thought that because what I was experiencing was all so crazy to me, it was unique. But I found that so much was really similar.

    I

    • Damn straight why should you be the one to suffer the most?! My best friend said something to me that really sparked the beginning of my journey to sanity – “the failure is not your failure to carry, and the end of your marriage does not mean the end of YOU.”

  • The Wackjob wanted me to commit suicide. He would have gotten everything including the house I ended up keeping. That is just joe evil he is. While he was saying”you move into an apartment and work on yourself, maybe in 6 months we’ll reconcile maybe we’ll even get remarried( we weren’t divorced and he hadn’t even moved out yet)”, he was planning to move schmoopie into my house. I know because after I refused to move out( on my lawyers advise) he was seen running around our very small town with schmoopie looking at houses. They didn’t move here ( thank you lord). They mindf#ck you to the point of suicide. My counsellor did recommend antidepressants after testing me and finding me high on the anxiety and depression scale (and I had undiagnosed CPtsd too—she called it trauma). I had the prescription in my purse for months but stayed off of the meds in the interest of being clear and not giving him any ammunition if we ended up in court. He threw my family’s history of mental illness in my face and tried to use it to drive me to the final decision that would end my life( nice Dad huh?). Do not ever think they won’t stoop so low, they absolutely will if it benefits them. Get whatever help you need to prevent it they just aren’t worth it.

  • Sending Jedi hugs out to all those in CN who are in such pain that they have contemplated suicide.
    I know the pain. While I myself have never actually thought about killing myself, there were moments that I was exhausted and I simply did not know how I could continue. Trying to be the sane parent for two wonderful kids– then having to help my 14 yr old daughter after her suicide attempt and 2nd planned attempt, and the continuing anxiety and depression for the last 3 years. It was unbearable at times.

    But please know, though it is difficult to believe… IT DOES GET BETTER.
    Rely on friends, CN, or even a hotline if at this moment you cannot see the light at the end of a tunnel.

    I am 6 years out from DDay, 5 years divorced (in two weeks!). I realized within 6 months I was better of without STBX. Then single parenthood took over— and life was crazy and stressful, but wonderful because I have a job that I love and two amazing children.
    I was living a busy and full life for me and the kids, and then 6 months ago I met a wonderful guy, and am finally in love again after years and years. I found someone sweet and thoughtful, who, as CL says, loves me all, even my squishy midsection.
    IT GETS BETTER.

  • A lot of these letters state BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! If you think about it, it’s really not love you feel for the person. Love is mutual, it’s understanding, it’s respect, admiration, awe, and it is healing. What you feel towards the person is hurt, disrespect, pain, misery, betrayal, trauma, and these things are anything but love. I understand the person is trying to preserve the bond with the cheater, but it’s anything but love that is at play here. It’s very traumatic to undo a bond created with someone, and the cheater has already detached from the bond a long time before the innocent spouse is aware of, IF there actually was a bond to begin with. The cheater likely never bonded with the spouse or did at a very shallow level, and where there is no bond, there is no love in my opinion. So if you think about it, the yearning for love, the waiting for love is NOT LOVE. It’s anything but love.

    • Gee, you nailed this one. In my line of work, dog behavior consulting, it is common knowledge in the industry that an owner will have no hesitation, guilt, remorse or shame for discarding a pet dog if s/he has not bonded to it. So I always assess that in my consult – how bonded are the owners? It guides rehabilitation efforts/success and/or relinquishment.

      I wonder why I haven’t thought about this in my situation! He love bombed me like I was a puppy [well, he didn’t love our puppy – he was very jealous of him for his whole 11 yrs of life 🙁 ], he idealized me and bragged about me…like a trophy wife 3 yrs ago (there were 2 other men interested in me at work then…I picked the wrong one apparently), and then when I wasn’t a happy, silly puppy anymore…when I grew up and had sentient feelings/opinions of my own, he devalued and then, ultimately, discarded me.

      I wonder how many narcissists discard pets? Hmmm…

      • …or even HAVE a pet??? It takes so much to commit to a relationship, even with a dog much less a person, could a narc even take that step?

      • Mine “got rid” of my cat. He hated it because he cried at the door to be let out and then would cry to be let back in as soon as you let him out. He would say one day I’m getting rid of that cat. I never believed he would do anything. Then one day come home from work to find the cat is gone. I asked where the cat was and his responce was he took care of it and to stop asking. It disturbs me now to think about it. When it happened I told myself he took the cat to the shelter, but I don’t think he did.

        • I am so sorry for your loss! That is absolutely horrible. Have you ever heard of “The Link” between animal abuse and domestic violence?

  • I remember the dark days while trying wreckconciliation I was so messed up, he was living 2 hours away and would call me several times daily, I ended up crying in every conversation and he would document how crazy I was (I found the pages of picking me apart “documentation” later) He use to remind me that there were loaded guns in our closet in the safe in every conversation. I will never forget the feeling when I finally realized what he was suggesting????? Thank God for my children, that is what kept me from actually hearing what he was saying.

    The funny thing was the crying was not weakness on my part, it took a while for me to realize it. When he would put me down, I would defend myself but cry because then I was afraid he would leave me… crazy but I could not agree to his put downs. I also knew many time that as long as he was putting me down, that the marriage was over I just was not facing the truth gracefully. So I cried, pick me danced, argued, filed for divorce and grieved, it was the most horrible time but it is better on the other side.

    Mine just remarried last week and my son was so upset for “her” two kids, saying they had no idea what level of Hell they are in for. After all my sons have been through they would rather be here with me than part of that mess.

    They are not worth it!

  • When I was very young, the man who became my husband rented half of his house to a couple with a young child. The tenant was a smooth-talking southerner, short-ish and broad shouldered – a real banty rooster of a man. His wife had serious self esteem issues, not helped by his cheating and smacking her around. They eventually moved to Texas, away from all friends and family, where he continued his ways and finally left her to devote himself to his growing harem. Wife number one suffered, but eventually got her act together and did okay. The Rooster eventually found another esteem-challenged woman and married her. Then he went on with cheating as usual. Wife number two, on one lonely night when he was out all night with “friends” took her own life. She left a letter, I assume to make him feel bad about his actions. Guess what he did then? He used her death to paint himself as ‘the poor, good, kind man who had tried his best to help this crazy woman he had found himself married to’. He bragged to my husband that it got him more women than ever. He eventually married again, to a sweet, plain-faced woman who happened to be wealthy when he found himself in need of money. When I got 20 years in with my husband number two, I found out what it felt like for the Rooster’s wives. I (at 60 years old) was devastated, diagnosed with PTSD and just a quivering mess. One thing I never allowed myself to consider, no matter how bad it got (trickle truth), was suicide. It’s been tough, but no – he’s definitely not worth dying for – and I refuse to allow my memory to be that of the poor crazy woman who was such a burden to The LyingCheat. He doesn’t need my assistance to pick up integrity-challenged women.

  • I felt this way for a while. The devastation and hurt was so bad it hurt to breath. The only thing that stopped me… was the fact that if I did it would leave my poor kids with the fuckwit! He would be in control of raising my daughter and that my older boys would have no one but him as a parent.

    I look back now and I am so thankful I was able to pull thru that. It hurts, almost 8 months post D Day and it still hurts but not as bad.

  • I lost will to live for a long time. Only my kids got me through. But, it wasn’t for him that I felt this way. I would never end things over a fuckwit. It was more about what he did to my world view. I lost my faith, I lost my trust in anyone. Except for the joy my kids brought me, I saw no reason to do anything. What’s the point if you can’t trust and will be lonely for the rest of your days? I commend all of you you have been able to move on and risk it again. I’m not sure I’d survive a second round, so for my kids, I deal with the loneliness. And some days, I actually enjoy some things again. Maybe things will continue to improve, who knows.

  • What a powerful message CL!
    I remember being in that state, wishing I could die, what was I thinking?! I should have known better, that life is much more than one person who is tormenting you, but I was just so BEATEN. Mentally, I mean. I was like a trained seal, clapping for that tiny kibble.
    Life gets so, so much better! Many Chumps, and God, and others, helped me find my self worth that was almost lost. I’ll never lose it again.
    When I was crying and hopeless, sometimes I would think of these song lyrics-
    Any major dude with half a heart, surely will tell you, my friend
    Any minor world that breaks apart, falls together again
    When the demon is at your door
    In the morning it won’t be there no more!

    Music always helped me cope. Words of wisdom, they come from all around us.

  • Channel the anger. At my low point I had some sort of fantasy of just vaporizing and not existing I felt so bad, but then I thought if I did any self destructive behavior, it would only feed my ex’s narrative that I was “too negative” . Fuck that.

    Survive and thrive out of spite when times are rough.

  • “I once imagined driving into highway medians. For what?…

    A man who couldn’t pick up the dinner check for his widowed mother living on a coal miner’s pension, but would happily drop $800 on a new crossbow for himself?”

    THIS^^^ Describes my ex to a T!

    The epitome of supreme selfishness and it exudes out of every single pore of a narc’s body.

  • We do not really love them so much, we love ourselves not enough. After twenty years having been conditioned that life revolves solely around the cheater, I am able to look at myself in a detached way and say to myself , I am worthy of love.

  • Lol, found yoga, and an extra cuddly pup…who is cuddly while I’m doing yoga. The love is real! All those same loving and happiness chemicals, release within me. The same feelings I get if I were in a mutually fulfilling relationship. That, and puppy forces me to exercise and get in nature, which is even better for mood and fitness.

    • I took up yoga after the shit got real, it has saved my soul, made my body really strong and has been the most positive release I have.

  • All the people who replied on this thread are so awesome! We all fight that battle of pain with being rejected by one we have loved, and it is our choice to resist!

    HURRAY FOR ALL OF US!!

    And thank you, CL, for helping us to get through these dark days!

  • The summer after Dday, I almost drove myself off a cliff along the Oregon coast. It was a very high cliff, and just a little jerk of the wheel, and it could have all been over: the pain, the sleepless nights, the flashing nightmares in my mind of XH & OW together…. But my dog was in the backseat, and I could hardly expect her to pay for my terminal thoughts and ideas. So here I am.

    Suicidal thoughts are complicated, especially if it’s “acute on chronic,” which means maybe you were already depressed before this big catastrophe came along on top of it all. Now it really simply is all “too much.” And then it’s easy to ascribe the entirety of one’s depression to this transient moment. Trust me on this one.

    It’s a challenging thing to get dumped out of your life and comfort zone and have to rebuild just when you have the least energy and interest in doing so. But CL is right, and you have to go out and start stuffing your life full of all kinds of things. Some of them you may find you’re not at all interested in, but some may stick and be a log you can hold onto in these tumultuous waters until a bigger log comes along. And then, eventually, there will be a boat, and then dry land. Maybe with another really cute Robison Crusoe, or maybe just a dog, but you can make a life there.

    It won’t be your old life, that’s gone. But as you drift further and further away from that, you’ll see that’s a good thing, that this is not your old life. You’ll get to the point where you wouldn’t take that life back for all the money in the world.

    But that’s not where you are now. Right now, you’re here, at this point, where it doesn’t seem worthwhile living without him, without that old life. Take it from someone who has seriously wrestled with depression most of her adult life: It is worth it to keep going. Just get through today, this hour, this minute if you have to. And then it’s tomorrow — ta-dah! you did it! one more day. Then the days add up to weeks, months. For me, it’s nearly four years. In fact, it just occurred to me that today would have been my twentieth wedding anniversary, and I am not lying when I say that I really had not noticed that until just now when I looked at a calendar.

    Not because I didn’t love my husband. Not because I never stood where you are now, at the very bottom of the pit of despair when even breathing seems too difficult. Not because I have never felt the temptation of the sweet relief of eternal darkness. — I did, all of those things. And I was utterly wrecked for a long long time. But now I am out the other side and have great friends — one of whom is a chump and, though I don’t have kids, I’ve watched her raise her kids since she divorced her ex and they’re all doing just fine without him, better in fact.

    You can do it. Keep going. Use whatever you need to in order to motivate yourself to keep moving forward: signs, jokes, “he’s not worth it” thoughts … and eventually it won’t be about him at all. It’ll be about you and how awesome you’ve become. And that’s sort of what Chumplady is all about. IMO.

  • Yeah, I have been there. A couple of times. Each time Spirit has seen to it that I had just the right deterrent in place, so the thought remained just that, a thought.

    The first time I was just a kid of 19, newly married , pregnant, feeling like a whale, self esteem in the basement. Cheater hubby #1 was being an abusive ass, flaunting his lover, and went as far as refusing to walk with me in public because he didn’t want people thinking he was the father of my baby.

    One night he didn’t bother to come home. I spent the night wandering in and out of the bathroom, picking up a razor blade, putting it to my wrist, and then putting it down. I finally decided I had the right to kill myself, but my baby deserved to live. After he was born, I was so in love with him, I had to stick around to see him grow up as safe and healthy as I could manage to keep him.

    The second time was when I knew that cheater ex (cheater hubby #2) had murdered my youngest son. I quickly realized that my suicide was exactly what cheater ex wanted. Oh HELL NO! I wasn’t going to give him or his narc family the satisfaction. Plus my eldest son desperately needed me to stay sane.

    Bottom line, there are much better solutions to any problems. Even though the pain feels overwhelming at the moment, it will get better. That’s not just a platitude, it’s true. Time does heal. So does therapy, loving friends, medication when necessary, not to mention righteous anger and a good healthy “fuck you cheater” attitude. Standing up for myself and my kid entailed doing the things necessary to heal. A life well lived, is the best revenge. Ditto to staying around to live that life.

  • We’ve all been through the suicidal ideation after our lives were upended by treachery from someone in our inner orbit. Push through it.

    Trust me, the day will come when you will hear something about your X and (perhaps out loud) berate yourself, “What the every-loving fuck was I doing with someone like THAT?” Resist the urge to smack yourself in the head for your former stupidity; we’ve all suffered enough.

    • This is so true, Tempest! When I look back at the shit I put up with I can’t believe how naive I was. How did I get so completely snowed by him? I was 18 when we met – a young girl who had dreams of having a big happy family with a loving husband. I hadn’t dated much prior to then and I totally fell into Prince Charming’s love-bombing trap. After we married and started our family I felt something was “off” with him, but I kept thinking/hoping he would grow up eventually. I was busy raising our kids and managing the household – catering to everyone else. I lost sight of me along the way. Then before I knew it I had several years invested in a one-sided relationship… with a lying, manipulating, cheating fuckwit. As soul-crushing as D-Day is, it truly is a gift to yourself to cut your losses and run. Sweet freedom. I have no regrets and my happily ever after is still intact without the dead weight.

  • Ive been reading through the comments here and its so sad to read these heartbreaking stories especially from the fellow chumps who had thoughts of committing suicide. And i just want to say: Your posting on this wonderful website so you didn’t do it! Your alive! You made it through one more day and you have many more to come. It really does get better. Take it one day at a time, take it one hour at a time if you have to but your here and that is the important thing! Seek help from family,friends and therapy!My heart hurts for the ones out there who couldn’t see that tomorrow would come and took that final irreversible step😞

  • I never ever thought it would be, but this pain IS transitory.

    “When you are going through Hell, keep going!” – Winston Churchill.

    Life really is so much better without a character disordered person in it. People who do not reciprocate, do not meet you half way, do not value you, let you know how little they value you, lie to you, demean you – MAKE YOUR LIFE VERY MISERABLE.

    When these things leave your life along with the character disordered person, you become aware of more decent people, who don’t lie to you, are decent and don’t treat you like cr*p.

    And your life gets better. It isn’t instant, it hurts like hell on all sorts of fronts, but one day at a time, it gets better. Promise. I lived it and its true.

  • Having dated and married several cheaters, liars, and abusers (my picket has been broken for a very long time), I think that many of these types of disordered people are highly skilled at image management and successfully encouraging people to worship them. Years after these cheaters, liars, and abusers used and discarded me, I realize that I really don’t LIKE them, much less love them (and I was madly in love and devoted to some of them–very Chumpy). I always asked what I could do for them, expecting nothing or virtually nothing in return. I used to think that I lost these guys to lucky women who seemed ‘better’ than me. Maybe they are more impressive than me and get treated way better by my exes than so ever was, but in a way I not jealous of them. Why? Because I know these guys’ character–which they showed me is S–try. If people were completely transparent and thus I could see a person’s character, I would run aaau from a jerk before even hearing ‘Hello.’ I also discovered that some of my exes had become physically much less attractive, had gotten divorced (sometimes for a second time), were having trouble with the latest flavor of the month. I believe that character rarely changes over the age of 25, if even that ‘late’ in life. And if it does change (for the better) it will probably only change slightly IF the person (highly unlikely) decides to change his character. I think that after a while, we often realize that the objects of our desire and unworthy recipients of our love were not worth all our energy, money, heartache. Don’t let a–holes win!

  • My two most powerful days since August 2017 have been:

    1- the day I told my therapist that I wanted to save myself rather than saving my marriage. I was so scared but I knew I was right.

    2-the day I took the TRX strap (an exercise thing) down from the rafters in my bedroom. I had looked at it many times and thought how much I just wanted relief from the shock and pain of what is happening to my family.

    Don‘t get me wrong. I am still trying to figure things out one day at a time. I am pretty tangled up.

    What I know is that to end my life or to live a closed, bitter life would be to let my cheater bastard win. And I am too good for that.

    I also have learned three things here that have really carried me forward:

    1- to love myself first
    2- to accept that the only person I can control is me
    3- there are a lot of really, really good people in this world. Those people are the ones that I want near me in the next phase of my life.

    No one is worth ending it.

  • Whew! That seems like such a long time ago, like another lifetime ago. I was there, had a scenario in my head of how I would do it. I felt adrift and as if no one cared or would ever care. I now know that subtly and without your knowledge, that’s how these Cheaters train you to think. I know what it is like to think you are staring at an abyss, but that turns out to be not what it is. You are actually staring at an escape tunnel and there is a light shining in showing you the way out (CL and CN). It doesn’t matter how quickly you crawl through that tunnel – there will be pain as you crawl through it because crawling is painful – but you will eventually find your way out and then you will be able to stand and the pain from crawling will gradually seep away.

    When I was still talking to him, I related to the Ex how I had contemplated suicide and his response was, “Wow. I’m glad you didn’t do it. The kids would have blamed me.” I mention that comment because there is one thing cheaters have in common – everything is always all about them. The only way your death will ever affect them is as an opportunity for attention for themselves or as an inconvenience associated with any negative fall-out.

    If I had killed myself I would have missed the birth of my grandchildren, getting a better job, seeing Hamilton, seeing Les Miserables for the second time, the smell of coffee brewing and on and on. It is so overwhelming and devastating in the beginning that it is hard to think of or remember all the reasons that life continues to be worth living. This isn’t the life I had planned but like so many unanticipated things in life, I’m certainly enjoying it. Never let any person, but most particularly a cheater, steal your joy.

    There was a time I thought I would not be able to draw breath without the cheater in my life. Now I look at him and think what the hell would I do with a geriatric Man Baby to take care of?

  • When I first discovered ex’s affair, my second child was just 6 months old. I thought my life was over and did think about killing myself, like jumping off a bridge. My ex had also tried to convince me that it would be best for the kids to live with him and OW because she wasn’t career driven like me and could take pay more attention to them because she would be a stay at home mom. I basically felt erased and replaced out of my own life.

    Thanks God I’ve survived. He isn’t with OW (not that it really matters), and I’ve had so many wonderful moments with my boys (though it’s been hard at times). Ex rarely sees the kids–these past couple of years, literally once every few months for dinner, even though we live in the same city. The thought that I would have killed myself for that f*ckwit and missed so many things with my kids. I can’t believe it now.

    When I heard about a married mom killing herself seemingly out of nowhere, my first thought is that she just discovered that her husband is having an affair and wants to leave her.

  • Dear God!

    Don’t kill yourself!

    In the year after I filed for divorce:
    –I ran a marathon
    –I saw Spain
    –I finished my MBA
    –I saw Zion National Park, and
    –I had regular, great sex with one women and mediocre sex with a second

    These are my highlights, clearly. But my point is there’s a whole life to live out there!! Don’t give it up for a cheater!!

  • I’m so sorry for the pain you’re feeling. It’s real, and right now it seems like there is no way it will ever go away. It’s heart wrenching misery, with few comparators.

    You’re not alone in how you feel, or in the thoughts you’re having. You can see how many have walked the same path; thought the same thoughts. It was agonizing, until it wasn’t. They made it through. You can too. I promise you the pain is finite. That may be hard to believe right now, (it sure as hell was for me), when your reality and heart are shattered and you can’t eat or sleep or care about anything – – but do believe.

    Don’t ignore your dark thoughts. Please get help if they become too real. You owe it to yourself to do something to protect the person inside you who is going to emerge at the end of this – and you will.

    You are unique in this universe and you matter, no matter how you feel right now. There has never been one like you and there will never be another one like you again. We need you here. Don’t quit. Fight.

  • Quote: “If we manipulate the definition of love the way sociopaths manipulate people, then sure, sociopaths can love. … When love is said easily by the lips but not felt by the heart, sociopaths can love. When love is a feeling of fascination or power rather than an emotion, sociopaths can love.”
    Or a narcissist for that matter….

    I felt so depressed when I was with my narc- now that I left I feel so free and worry free!!! It was a process but I got there and now I am happy. “Gain a life by losing a cheater” is so true. I was constantly worried he was cheating- that was my daily life. Insane!!!!! No more, and I am happy! You will get there! Find yourself a great therapist and a woman’s group to go with it, that’s what gave me tremendous strength!
    Also my therapist put the book “betrayal bond” by Patrick carnes into my hands and reading it was a break through for me- I was in this “Stockholm syndrome-like relationship” as I am sure many of you are! Reading that is like opening Pandora’s Box and you can see clearly finally! Highly recommend it!!!!!

  • I thought I would put myself out of my misery also. I took a lot of sleeping pills and my last thought before I laid my head down and thought also my last breath..this is how it feels to die.
    I couldn’t handle it anymore after I found my daughter bent over in a child porn position from her perverted father.
    He broke in my house and erased the porn video before ice team could come get it.
    I had let it out in a FB rant that I had found it. He wouldn’t have been able to if ice sent someone I trusted to get it. Child porn is very generation to generation money hub. There are no winners.
    It was too much for me to see him getting away with it and I took the pills.
    They never look back. These men never look back.

  • I cut myself, cheater saw it, and he said “I can’t live everyone’s feeling. If you want to kill yourself it’s not for me. You kill yourself for you” I was shocked that such cruel words can come out of this creature’s mouth. He also suggested that I should seek professional help and get medications to cope with the pain (it has nothing to do with him… it’s all my fault I am not handling it well). To top it off he (and his father) told me I am young, smart and beautiful “It shouldn’t be difficult for you to find someone else, who wouldn’t want a wife like you?”.

    That was less than a year ago I remember the support I received here on CN, which I am forever grateful. I try not to think about what happened. I try not to give him centrality but the irreversible damages he inflicted on me are real, and I will never be the same person again.

  • To all the chumps who posted about knitting, there is an article in the Huffington Post that says. “There is an enormous amount of research showing that knitting has physical and mental health benefits, that it slows the onset of dementia, combats depression and distracts from chronic pain.” I just may try it out.

  • I find all these stories fascinating and how everybody coped with the devastating news of a D-Day.

    I’m curious – maybe a Friday/weekend exercise – How Did You Handle Your Spouse Asking For a Divorce?

    Me? It was a Sunday morning.
    He came in from outside after smoking a cigarette.
    He sat on a chair opposite me and simply said, ‘I want a divorce’.

    I was in shock, obviously, but something else took over and I said calmly, ‘OK’.
    How do you want to split up assets? as I got out a pad and paper.

    It was crazy. And, of course, I got very crazy a few days after that.
    But, I swear, I never shed one tear when we discussed divorcing/separating.
    Just weird looking back. It was such a horrendous day.

    Sorry if I tagged along on this subject-line.

  • I thought I would add my voice if it would help anyone who is just now dealing with the chaotic and horribly painful first few months. If my words can help them to not even think of suicide then that is some good that could come out of the personal pain I went through. I too was one of the chumps considering dying for lack of love. I wasn’t tough, or smart. It took others telling me to wise up, to get me tougher and smarter. I was quite the chump. I believed he was a good guy, the best of men. That he was simply having a midlife crisis, and that he was going to realize that he was on the wrong path and that he loved me, not her, etc, etc. The thing is if we take ourselves out of this world it tips the balance to one less sane, loving and clear headed person in this world who is capable of love. They aren’t, simple as that, they aren’t. Chump Lady has that completely right. They are NOT capable of love in the true sense. The easiest way to know how they differ from you and I is that we could NEVER do what they did in a million years. We don’t even think like that. They’re looking for some superficial Holy Grail of the type of ” love ” teenagers dream of. They dump everything that is real and truly intimate. Decades worth of shared experiences, shared property, shared child rearing, pets etc. For the chance to lust/love someone else. It’s very transitory in most cases, as it was with my ex. And, when it does start to have problems they come sniffing around and saying how you were right. Or any other thing you might like to hear that would get you back on the crazy carousel for another ride around to mess you up further. Because they come back saying these things, we think they might actually have learned a lesson or missed what makes us unique and wonderful. But it’s not true, it’s a con, that’s all they know how to do.

    It is very hard in the first 6 months to a year to deal with the pain and loss and the ” hoovering.” I think the worst is the double whammy of just extreme loneliness coupled with the revelation that whatever length of time you’ve shared with them was a complete waste. Because you weren’t with a real person. Just someone who was wearing a mask and acting a role. That when they leave you and change so radically in a very short amount of time, it’s because they are being what this new person wants. Then they’ll do it again for another new person. The person you were in love with, because YOU are able to love, didn’t really exist. It is hard and bewildering to wrap your head around that fact that someone you trusted, was intimate with, and thought you knew, was not that person at all. It’s like something out of a Twilight Zone and it’s your life now. For a while….. But no matter how surreal and incredibly lonely it is, it does get better and sooner than you think. Chump Lady is right, reach out to anyone who will be there for you. I talked with my Mom and best friend, and read and watched YouTube videos about narcissism and co-dependency. Because the more you learn about those subjects the more you want to learn. It heals and protects you and soon you wonder how you could ever think of ending your life over someone so empty and soul-less.

    They may not have seemed that way when they were fooling you. Lying to you, convincing you they cared. Wasting your time in marriage counseling, or sex addiction counseling or whatever. But when Chump Lady says ” trust that they suck ” she has it completely right. I remember being in the worst pain and the thick of it all and reading right here that it usually starts to feel alright at about a year and a half into your healing as long as you stay no contact.They have that right too. I’m at a year and 7 months now and fully divorced, and it is better. The most important thing is, as long as it’s not too excessive like longer than a year and a half, is to actually mourn the loss. Because to YOU it was real and you truly did love, and for you it’s like a death of that person you thought you were married to or living with. You’re going to miss them and the shape of your life that was your relationship with them. It felt like home even if it was also depressing or terribly dysfunctional. I’m not going to say that all is great after a year and a half, because that would be a lie. I still don’t know if I will ever try to trust another man again after being duped and emotionally abused for 17 years of my life. But I have just recently realized that all of my learning about narcissism has made me able to see them clearly out in the world. It can take time to see them, so when they say go slow if you’re in new relationships, even friendships. Well that is the magic key that will protect you. Go s-l-o-w, because one day they slip up and you go, ” wait a second did I see/hear what I thought I just saw or heard? ” Once you realize you are protected by your new found knowledge and the super shield of slowness you feel safer again ” out there. ”

    Know this, if you do kill yourself they will simply go right ahead and hook up with whoever takes their fancy. It won’t make them suddenly value you, or have mature regrets over your loss.Yes it will end your pain, but time and knowledge does that also. A year and a half may seem like an eternity when you’re in that initial horrible first few months. But it passes and actually quite quickly. You’ll be busy too during that time, learning about what goes into divorcing that cheating, lying user. Perhaps getting a new job to support yourself or moving. All of this helps distract you too while you are in the hardest time. Eat chocolate, take long walks, cry, go ahead and cry it’s o.k. Sleep with the t.v. on, journal, write long comments on this site and read others. You’ll always find here a sadder story than what you went through, and it makes you feel grateful for your particular hell. Whatever it takes to get you through the valley of sorrow that mourning your breakup feels like. It really does get better and you’ll only know that if you’re here to see and feel it. The world needs more good people, we have to survive to make the world a better place. The best part is, that though you felt you lost love, you gain the love that is most important, self love. And that is a love you never have to fear losing again, no one can take that away from you. It is hard won, but so worth it. Lastly, know you’re not alone, everyone at Chump Lady knows EXACTLY how you feel and has empathy for you. Stay strong, stay alive, it gets better, it really does. Best wishes on your journey.

  • I had a red hot go at killing myself, back when ” my husband doesn’t love me” seemed to repeat over and over in the back of my brain.I met with immense kindness from all the medical and psychiatric workers who prodded me back towards my life, and i felt it would be a waste of all their hard work to ever contemplate it again. My psychiatrist told me that my problem was that my husband was a dickhead, and that I would be fine once i got rid of him. Correct diagnosis.

  • I wish there were +1s. I’ve been there and then I wasn’t. The minute you reach out to people who have a better perspective on things (which is pretty much anyone that doesn’t want you to kill yourself), you’ll eventually realize that not only are THEY not worth it, YOU are worth so much more to the world and to yourself that you should continue living in it.

  • #notallelflitreaders

    Sorry, but I had to say: part of the reason my cheater felt compelled to cheat was that he was intellectually ashamed of me for reading fiction (or poetry) at all, especially speculative fiction, because he was ashamed that it showed an “immature” mind. It’s kind of odd to me that this never, ever bothered him about his AP’s or his current wife. He knew that about me when we married (I am no Tracy Schorn, but I am a published, professional, award-winning author, thank you very much), but I guess it’s hard for men to have their every desire catered to as if they were gods by those who do not have the “intellectual discipline” of Ayn Rand, or something.

    Oh, did I say one of the reasons he felt compelled to cheat on me had to do with me? Um. I lied. (Quoting my cheater resulted in me lying. What a shock.) I believe it didn’t even have anything to with the personalities/ physical bodies of his Twu Wuvs. I think he just felt that marriage was somehow a zero-sum game and he couldn’t really win at anything without making his partner lose. I think that being treated with the unconditional adulation, obedience, and obeisance usually reserved for a third-world dictator, as his religion and society told him was his due, fed his sense of entitlement until it cut off the circulation to his sense of decency and moral compass and left his soul bloated and rotting and in need of amputation, and that’s what eventually happened.

    For the sake of the ego of a cheater, I “decluttered” my books. I gave away my signed Pratchetts and Gaimans and Bradburys, and now, rebuilding my collections along with my life, I realize that he was (probably very consciously) cutting me off from allies and means by which I might learn to recognize and counter his gaslighting and melodramatic villainy. He was unhappy, and thus, he eventually outright admitted, he couldn’t bear to see me take pleasure in anything in life. To me, that’s just…. wrong. Not even morally wrong. Just stupid.

    But… elf lit is not a moral or intellectual deficiency. Cheating is. Obviously, I’m not Chump Lady’s tribe, but I’m her nation, and I don’t think my taste (or lack thereof, thanks, Chumplady, I’ll take it under advisement) in literature disqualifies me from that.

  • I remember the moment and location she confided to me about the affair. When I asked her if she wanted to save the marriage and she said “Yes,” I stupidly forgave her because I felt at the time that it was my Christian duty to help “save” or “redeem” her. After a day of realizing that she was a lost soul, I told (begged) her to stay w/me, that if she left, she basically “killed me” and life was no longer worth living.

    8 or so months later, I look back at that day as the weakest point of my life. I knew I didn’t deserve that treatment, having been a faithful, loving husband, partner, and father (albeit my own imperfections as well) for almost 18 years, but I was such an emotional wreck when I learned of the affair, I guess that being in Maui helped calm my nerves as much as possible, and that one day, I would be able to offer someone special the best that I have to offer. She didn’t deserve me, and God will determine how the OM treats her over time. My hunch is, because he was a cheater too, #karma is going to come to my ex. Muahahahaha

    • cheated on,
      I am still wondering if my husband dying was karma? I am actually sad he died because I am actually grieving the great guy I thought he was. I trusted him so much that he was able to deceive me freely. I then had to wrap my head around everything all at once, the death, the cheating, the clicking into hospice, the aftermath. I felt like I would go crazy. The humiliation, the betrayal, everthing all at once. I don’t know how I am still standing. I vascillate between oh i’m glad he died, it ended the affair to i’m so sad that my beautiful husband is dead, that I loved, to I hate mf conman and it fixed whore she cannot screw him anymore hhahahahahahahahaha. bitch can’t have him !! her dreams went up in smoke !!! hahahahahahahahaha

  • Hi Guys – wow CL your posts always seem perfectly timed !! not visited for ages as plodding on but always have CL on my homepage. I too remember my lowest point in all this , that Sunday when I truly thought ending it all was best option as living another second in my new reality was just too much !!! I sat on my lounge floor for a few hours looking around my empty home as cheater had wanted it sold asap to move on with AP, the kids were with him , my birthday had been the day before , first one without him and instead of a card off him , he had gone and bought himself a new car !! I just was in too much pain for a human.

    Then my 10 yr old daughter texted to check if I was ok , she will never know how pivotal her love for me was in that moment … I breathed and vowed to stay for my children as I could never hurt them intentionally, in that moment , I looked at hell straight between the eyes and started walking…… if I can do it then anyone can , the human spirit is phenomenally strong in our weakest moments . Proud of everyone here on CL for living every day with our own personal trauma , and we all keep on going !!
    Moving Liquid I too came here around the same time as you and drew inspiration from your comments, good to hear from you again. It will be 5 yrs next week …. I’m still not over it, miss the lie badly some days , have not dated or looked to find love again , but have forged a different life with my kids , to the newbies , it will get better, the silver lining in all this is …. you will discover who you really are , you will see clearly your character , values and core attributes that makes you the amazing human all Chumps are ….. never give up for a cheater … stay focused on being your own best friend and let time work its magic .

  • What if you have no family to live for? What if the smear campaign is so effective that not one person you knew before this will even look at you?

  • I said to him one night…”how did Laci Peterson not know”…..I understand completely now how she did not know….I am Laci except I am still here

    • Shawna
      reach out to me, I have a similar story. I know exactly what you mean. We can talk even though I know sometimes there may be nobody that you can talk to or that would understand or believe your real life story. Or they believe it but they don’t get it

  • If I kill myself, it will be for me. To end the pain without end. I have no illusions. My death will be welcome by all.

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