Dear Chump Lady,
I’m on my third(ish) D-Day and I need a pep talk (or a BS translation) to wake up from this nightmare. My boyfriend and I have two children together and have been waiting to get married for financial reasons, but really because I don’t trust him after finding his texts and emails to other women right after the birth of our first child.
I stupidly got pregnant again 5 months later and sucked it up until I gave birth to our daughter. Two weeks later, I found more messages and calls to prostitutes. I ordered your book, got myself a good a job, and even have tried and failed to maintain boundaries. You would think, by my story, that I’m young and inexperienced, but I’m a 34-year-old professional who has been married before.
I really loved him and thought he loved me… ignored the red flags… blah, blah. Yesterday, I told him he seemed distracted so, of course, he blew up and left the house. When he crawled in bed drunk at 4 a.m., I checked his phone and found messages to his biological aunt. In the past, he has confided in me that he always had a crush on her.
Here are the messages in all their glory:
(smiley face with hearts for eyes emoji)
“I’m sorry if it’s inappropriate but I want to take you to lunch or something… you don’t need to tell anyone just tell me if you want me to stop.. I’m a grown man 31 years old I don’t need to explain myself to anyone.
Don’t need to tell my mom or anybody at all. I don’t want to be disrespectful.. I have a crush on you… it sucks and I’m sorry.
Please don’t tell my mom or anybody. I can’t help it. Give me a chance to take you out?
For fun. Nothing more
Maybe we could have fun together. There’s no harm in that. I know you’re happy and I’m happy too but that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun. PLEASE don’t tell anyone. Just tell me if you want me to stop and I will. Between me and you.”
I didn’t wake him up this morning before I left for work. I haven’t cried yet. I’m trying to keep my shit together. I need to get him to agree to pay me back for the business I 100% funded and child support. I also need him to agree to get out of my fucking house. How do I accomplish all of this without my life completely falling apart?
I’ve been reading your blog for years, but haven’t written because I wasn’t ready to accept that my family wasn’t going to make it. I’m sure you get that a lot…
Thanks,
Megan
Dear Megan,
So, per your request, I tried to feed those texts to the Universal Bullshit Translator, but all I got was
OMG!
OMG!!
OMG!!!
and a burning electrical smell.
I think you broke the UBT. His AUNT?!
Where do I begin? Bad jokes? (Incest! A game the family can play!) Disgust? Eeew! Oh, Megan, you’re among fellow freaks here. We’ve been chumped by cousin-fuckers, Jesus cheaters, sister shaggers… but I gotta say, sexts to an aunt is a new one. Just wow. That. Is. Really. Transgressive. (Or as Esther Perel would put it, an exuberant act of aliveness.)
You need to run, not walk, to the nearest attorney and get this mother(aunt)fucker out of your life. Thank God you’re not married to him. (I’m sure it occurred to you, if he can afford prostitutes, he can afford marriage. Anyway, bullet dodged.) You’re going to have to work out the custody and support. Take those texts with you to the lawyer’s office. If he’s this comfortable with incest, I wouldn’t trust him around your children. There’s overlooking red flags, but there is no getting past propositioning one’s aunt for Pervy Fun Lunch. #donttellmom
I need to get him to agree to pay me back for the business I 100% funded
No you don’t. Let that go. Some money is too expensive. You just need to get him the fuck out of your life. Cut your losses — begin NO CONTACT at once.
and child support.
Get it docked by the state. A nice faraway, neutral agency in a county far, far away, among a sea of anonymous bureaucracy. Do NOT deal directly with him on this. GET A LAWYER. And state child support enforcement. Asking him for money is asking him to mindfuck you and remain in your life. NO. You get third parties to play the heavy. You can’t jail him, but the State is really nice that way.
I also need him to agree to get out of my fucking house.
He’s not going to “agree.” This isn’t about consensus, it’s about consequences. He will not enjoy consequences, but hey, you don’t enjoy drunk, pervy cheaters. YOU MATTER, Megan. Protect yourself! Is it your house? Is he on the lease or deed? Again, talk to a lawyer first, but if this is your legal home, change those locks NOW. His crap in Hefty bags on the lawn is optional.
How do I accomplish all of this without my life completely falling apart?
The important thing is accomplishing it. Your life will fall apart, but you throw the creep out anyway. But think about this, Megan. You WANT this shit to fall apart — he’s a sicko. This is NOT a life you want to continue for yourself or your children. He isn’t “family,” he’s a parasite and a predator. You don’t build lives with those people. (Ask a thousand of us today how that all worked out for us.) You flee those freaks like your hair was on fire.
Is it going to be hard? Yes. But not as hard as the life you’ve been living.
Scary? Yes. But not nearly as scary as staying with a man so fucked up, he’d fuck his aunt. What other third rail would he like to touch next? THAT thought should scare you shitless.
Will you lose stuff? Yes. You’ll probably lose money paid to lawyers and lost to him. You’ll lose domestic shit like sofas and lawn mowers. But you will GAIN sanity and self-respect. You’ll raise your children in PEACE. Money can be recouped.
Here’s that pep talk — YOU CAN DO IT. The sense of relief when you leave will flood your senses. Hold on to that feeling — maintain no contact. You say you weren’t so good at boundaries before? Well, you get a crash course on them now. Stay here at CN for encouragement. He will try very hard to break your resolve. DO NOT LET HIM. The longer you stay no contact, the faster the nightmare ends. Let your professional firewall deal with him — your lawyer, and the State. Surround yourself with Team Megan, and steer clear of any of his “friends.” (Or aunts… obviously.)
When you’re on the other side of this (breathing the sweet, clean air of sanity) — get some therapy about those boundaries. Why the red flags were ignored, why you thought you could work with this. Chumpdom is fixable — freaks, not so much. (And it was never your job to fix him, just you.) The good news is you’re YOUNG, and you’ve got many happy fuckwit-free years ahead of you.
Now, throw him out and call a lawyer TODAY.
***
Hey, just a note to say THANK YOU to al the Patreon supporters who are paying it forward for everyone here and keeping this blog afloat. You rock! Every time someone pledges, cheaters’ balls shrivel, unicorns flee, and angel get wings. Pledge today! Thanks!
I think you started to loose your boundaries when you gave him the money for his business. I wonder if there was something between him and his aunt before. That text was out of order, but I’m hoping his aunt is innocent. How does she act around him, especially in small or large gatherings. Is there any substance abuse in his family. In UK a study found that 95% of sexual abuse victims where abused by a alcoholic. His aunt could be innocent or not (you might not unfortunately get the truth). The abusers are unfortunately very good liarers. The percentage was based on only childhood victims.
HIM – I’m a grown man and don’t need to explain myself to anyone.
Translation – I can do whatever the hell I want and will (no matter how inappropriate) because I’m so special.
Action to take – RUN LIKE YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE
Megan – as CL states you have already lost your investment (join our club) so don’t waste anymore of your time or money on this filth. Save your children and yourself as nothing he could possibly bring to your relationship is worth this amount of bullshit. Just….gross
Well, I think it’s more like, “I can do whatever the hell I want as long as nobody knows, so pretty please don’t tell on me.”
Funny how they claim to have no qualms about anything, but then spend so much time and energy hiding what they are up to.
I lost count of how many times he said “don’t tell” in some form or another. Jeebus pleezus. That sounds so much like a pedophile abuse line I can’t even stand it. Only he is the child!
Just get out. Explode this auntfucker. Protect your children.
I’m a grown man, 31, and don’t need to explain myself to anyone.
…. except my mum. PLEEEEEEESE don’t tell her.
And that other woman – who looks after my small people – yeah – let’s leave her out too.
what is he? 15?
This was the best one yet, omg his aunt, ewwwwwww!
Megan,
I know you’re struggling with boundaries… I get that… you want the picket fence dream for you and for your kids.
Instead, you got a full-on predator.
He wants to fuck his AUNT. Write that on a post-it note and keep it handy when you feel your boundaries slipping.
Get to a lawyer today. Protect yourself… and if you won’t do it for you… do it for your kids. What happens when he gets a “crush” on one of them?
Money can be replaced. Truly. Most of us here have done it. You can too.
Please.
I came here to comment before I even read the response by CL.
HE DOES NOT NEED TO AGREE to anything. If he wanted to be a responsible husband and father, he would have been.
Agreed these types of men and women are mentally sick!
Megan, you don’t get a much clearer sign to get out than when your post is tagged with “incest”. Get yourself and your kids away from him NOW. Screen grab those texts and run to the best lawyer you can find.
If you get nothing else for this let it be:
Get a lawyer!
Ask around. Find out who in your town does divorce well. Know any divorced people? Find out if they were happy with their lawyer. If so, why? If not, why? Interview lawyers. Find one who will tell you what you need to know (not what you want to hear) and provide you with a timeline for getting child support done. Don’t delay. Do it today!
Let me add one other thing…..if you’re worried about money your head is in the wrong place. You need to worry about your kids and keeping them safe. The money will come back in other ways you can’t even imagine. In the example that is my life, I have more money now that I am cheater free, and my ex made three times my salary. Even at that rate my salary was supporting his lifestyle. You probably don’t even realize how much of his shit you are paying for. When you give him the boot, all that stops. Once the stress of living with someone who constantly mindfucked me was gone I got physically better. My life maintenance medication was cut drastically. I no longer need to see specialist doctors or take other medications. Money saved. I no longer have to pay to fix things he would break in my house. I no longer pay to keep the AC at 70 or the heat at 75 while he leaves the back door open. I just pay for me and my son to live. I am not rich but I make it to the end of the month without being broke.
Worry about your kids. Worry about the example he is setting for them. Worry about what it tells them about acceptable behavior if you stay.
Goodness, I could have written this… why do they always break our stuff? UGH!!!
My XH the substance abuser broke things my grandmother had made. He never once admitted it or fixed anything but when I pitched a fit, he replaced the 3 cups to my FiestaWare set that he broke. ARRRGGGHHH.
JAMF accidentally broke at least 3 pair of my glasses, which I’m helpless without. Didn’t faze him to the extent he never replaced them and couldn’t grasp my extreme ire. Makes sense now: why would he give a damn about ANYTHING that doesn’t directly concern him.
Goodness that is my story too. Half the income but twice the savings. I no longer have to fund his lifestyle. It’s very reassuring to know I’m not alone.
Attie – I was looking at old W2s at tax time and made ~5x my ex’s salary, but somehow he felt like he was contributing equally. I finally figured it out. I had given him credit cards in his name when we were living together, so when we’d eat out he wouldn’t feel emasculated when I’d pick up the tab. I paid the bill from my salary, but because he signed for it, he “contributed”. He felt like he was contributing equally around the house because he washed dishes (often the same ones twice) and arranged for contractors to come handle repairs. He would complain bitterly that he had to wash my breakfast dishes on the days he had to go to work before I ate.
Sometimes, after a particularly spectacular home-cooked meal, I walk past the empty laundry hampers, on the clean floors, the cabinets full of groceries, and the checking account with an extra $1500 being shifted off to savings every month … and wonder what he is doing with that extra 15 minutes he doesn’t have to spend washing my breakfast dishes.
I hope every chump reads this.
“Half the money and twice the savings” could be the new CN by-line.
And since the Traitor and I ran a business together, now 2 years have passed under my management… twice the money and twice the savings!
Megan, screenshot those texts and run to a lawyer. Sounds like you have a job, so the transition will be relatively easy financially. Money lost in his business? I think with these texts you may have some leverage to get it back. If not, you’ll make it back quickly without him. Thank goodness you’re not married and you don’t have our stupid relationship property laws.
Attie this shit is become rampant in Canada, the MORALS are GONE for many I’m old school and I’m not tolerating it!
. . . this shit has become rampant in the U.S., in Australia, in China, too . . . it’s like Sodom and Gomorrah in the Old Testament.
I thought the same thing. Like Sodom and Gomorrah. People do what’s right in their own eyes and call evil good, and good evil. I found my stbx’s journal from 18 years ago AA-step work and as he very honest about his past in this step work, it opened my eyes to what he really is. He tried to change back then, but it couldn’t last. That selfish, vindictive sexual perv that he describes who hurt people terribly – that’s who he is. I was so sick after reading it, but grateful because it left no room for me to spackle. It made it possible to not do the pick-me dance – just change the locks and get a lawyer.
And I had a child with this. She doesn’t want to see him because she says he’s an asshole. She wishes he’d stop acting like a dick.
But he can’t stop. It’s who he is. He has no conscience. And people are so happy for him and his gf and their baby. While he’s still married to me. It’s all so sick.
Looking forward to this, having savings, busted my ass as a working mum and we barely saved a house deposit, he loved to buy clothes and useless shit, like $400 weight loss wobble boards and multiple pairs of $200 jogging headphones, oh and renting a drum kit for $100 a week.
I’m thrifty as hell and mostly buy second hand. Already enjoying looking at my account and knowing I have full control. Cheers. I’m on the bones of my ass atm but the mortgage gets paid, on the upswing soon !,,
Also want to report that on 25% of his salary as maintenance, I have more money than I ever had supposedly having access to all finances.
It really is a graphic example as to how small we make our needs.
Out of Kibble, I am sure, as one of them, that at least 2784 chumps here could copy and paste your report. Word for word.
So Megan, stop worrying about getting your money back. A lot of mine is lost in the mists of sparkledick’s family of eight cheating, self-interested bastards. But I am so glad they are a thing of the past because I pay my bills in peace.
Megan I literally lost everything to my cheating ex husband but I’m becoming an independent woman, it’s taken FOREVER. But I’m determined that no dirtbag husband is lying or cheating on me and incest is beyond crazy. I’m 17 months today into D day hardest thing I have ever done but I’m determined. I want my kids to respect me!
A smart advisor once explained to me that it doesn’t make sense to send $1,200 per year for three years to store $500 worth of crap.
That also applies here. It doesn’t make practical sense to spend loads of money, energy, or years of your life trying to recoup the loss of a person who harms you so much.
You’ll be richer from what you save by letting him go than you will ever be with him, even if he pays you back every dime.
Set up a support system to help with the grief and the practical things, for you and your children, then jump and lean on the support system. It really is worth it, no matter how scary it is.
I agree I could have written this too! No more having to actually HIDE belongings I paid for that were important to me, so they wouldn’t get broken, lost, or just plain expropriated by X because “what’s yours is mine, right? Cause I make more money.” (I found out later this was because he is a crook, but that’s another story, Megan). No more having to waste power on HVAC when he keeps the doors wide open, or on lights because he would turn on every one in the house, and then leave. Last year I was terrified I could never afford to live on my own, but guess what — here I am, I lawyered up, got divorced and my attorney navigated a good settlement . He moved out 2 weeks ago and I’m a-changing those locks next week. Your new life awaits, Megan.
When I was at your stage at D-day (4/23/17) I got a tea bag tag with the following quote from Anaiis Nin, which became my inspiration: “Life expands or contracts in proportion to one’s courage.”
Have courage, Megan. You are mighty.
Love, love, love that quote.
OMG Megan! This guy is bad news! Wow!
I imagine once you take that scary jump off the cliff and gather some distance, your head in going to spin thinking about how you ever considered you could recoup anything from this colossal fuckwit!
Sorry that you’re likely going to have lots of sunk costs in terms of finances, but I agree with CL. Your children will have some distance as they develop without this freak as mommy’s significant other and you are all in such a bad situation that that point is critical.
A man like that will damage your children given the chance to live as a unified family. Take comfort reading the words from those of us with stories involving half the crap you’re dealing with, who woefully regret not having left a poisonous soul sooner.
I dealt with a lot less (but still messed up) and therapy (for nearly a year so far) has been very helpful in understanding where my boundary weaknesses lie, what “spackling” occurred, because it always does when you’re with someone who lands you in these messes.
Good luck!
“Please don’t tell anyone…”
“Please don’t tell anyone…”
“Please don’t tell anyone…”
You do not want the “normal” against which your kids measure everything else.
These are the words of a monster.
Well said UXworld!
A sickness so deep. “Don’t tell my MOM”
Megan you aren’t even in the picture. As far as the business I’d check with a lawyer in terms of the investment. You may have some leverage even though you aren’t married. Talk to a LAWYER! Some states recognize common law. Chances are he’s run the business just like the rest of his life and it may have no value on the books. In that case be thankful you aren’t a part of it.
Regardless you need to detach ASAP. Do not confront him and I’m curious about her response. She’s probably disgusted.
Throw him out!
Next he’ll tell your daughters “please don’t tell your mom”.
If you think his sick stops there, you got another thing coming.
I’ll save you the time. He’s got sexual abuse in his childhood from an older woman. He’s tampered with this kind of secrecy before. He is thrilled to bits to have a naughty little secret! Let his aunt give the sign (again) and he’s in nirvana! He could give two shits about you and your untaboo sex life. He likes taboo….I repeat…he likes taboo. Of the incestuous kind. Let that sink in.
And since he likes secrets and incest…. I’ll leave you to connect the dots.
Fcku the money. You guys got a contract? If your must see what you can recoup through legal means…after you put some distance between you and ‘it’.
Keep that message he sent his aunt and see if your lawyer can get supervised visits for your daughters. He’s not to be trusted alone with them. Blatant boundary issues!
Play your cards close to your chest. Do not announce tonhime in anger, anything you plan to do. If he thinks you’re clueless he’ll keep playing up his hand.
Why you want to be with such a colossal, smarmy cunt is beyond me! I’ll tell you!
Is the sex that great? I doubt it still is at this point. Don’t tell me about the kids and don’t tell me about the money.
If there were no kids would you stay? I can only see you option to stay in so as to as it were ‘ keep the enemy close’. I expect that you do the majority of the child rearing and will continue to do so. Courts might order some joint custody shit which might just get him all excited. Girls over at is place alone in his company. But again check with your attorney. Check his computer for deviant porn. ( Yea…he watches porn).
I hope he looks up with his aunt and leaves you and your girls in the dust. Harsh but there are some people who you need to forget that you exist.
As my mother said to me: ease your hand out of the lion’s mouth.
I agree that the aunt may be the abuser. I have heard this a few times. We are too quick to think that only men sexually abuse. I once dated a guy who lost his viginity to his nanny at 11 and recently heard of a neighbours aunt abusing her nephew. Not saying this is the case but he clearly has some repor with her judging by the language used in the txt, unless he was drunk and just delusional. Either way he is a royal piece of shit. Money means nothing compared to peace of mind. I’ve been unemployed for 8 months after losing my job after break up from fuck wit, it has been extremely hard trying to pay my house and feed three people on $10 a day but I would rather this and have control of my life than live with his mindfucking drama. Cut your losses, you will recoup in the long run. See the bigger picture.
Truly, I fear for the kids. A monster with no conscience and a huge sense of entitlement, especially regarding sexual gratification, is a terrifying danger around children. Heaven knows where his line might land, if he even has one. It’s legitimately scary.
Spot on, Tracy. Is there nothing off limits to these nutcases? Yuck.
Megan, you’ve been reading CL for years. You know what you need to do now. I hope you find the anger you need to propel you forward. It’s not going to be easy but you can do it.
Please don’t be me. I had a lying closet alcoholic for most of my 22 year marriage but we had three boys who ‘needed their father’, or so I thought. So I didn’t set appropriate boundaries and he escalated to cheating. Now I have three teenage boys that I need to teach how to have healthy relationships. God, I hope I’m not too late. Hugs ????
Same here AussieChump, he got “sober” and pulled the “sudden abandonment for another woman” ace out of his sleeve, in spite of being oh so thankful for his family’s premium support throughout his bogus recovery. He might not be drinking, but he’s not “recovered”, he just sunk to a new low with an another alternative for dealing with his shit.
Wishing you and your boys well, it’s a hell of a road.
Snap to both above, I dealt with 7 years of his walk about drinking, he got sober, yah our family will be great. No he swapped it out for cheating, one addiction to another. Addicts have deep seated issues that you can’t change or help. They are alone on their journey and he can stay that way. I supported and helped and just got used up like a bottle of booze, no more.
I caught mine twice (and in suspicious circumstances a couple times extra) in exuberant acts of aliveness with his sister.
Trust that THEY suck.
OMG, yuck. His name isn’t Jaime, is?
????
I have the chumpy trait of always thinking the best of him. I didnt see any of the cheating, it was simply inconceivable. Before he died, I remember looking at him in his office and his visage looked so deeply miserable, not momentary sadness or chronic angst…I thought to myself
“He looks like a person with a terrible secret”
My guesses were 1) he had perhaps burned a building down as a kid playing with matches (or something similar) and never fessed up or 2) he may have initiated a round of sexual play with his sister growing up that made him ashamed.
Well, his sister is a nut and she wrote a book of free form erotic poetry and in a poem about her dead brother, she mentioned her flowing hair and her lace nightgown stroking her thighs…his tan arms and dark lashes caressing his skin. I read it to my adult daughter (only saying it was a horrible poem, but not specifying) and she said “that sounds incestuous”. gulp
Not a Jamie no.
Oh yeah it’s gross alright: and he is also an addict /alcoholic, as an above poster mentioned the combination is very common.
I think at a young age, once is forgivable: if it was genuine exploration and learning as a kid.
But not repeated incidences and not as adults also. And yeah, I worry for the daughters of the family now and the sick influence he could have 🙁
Young age, genuine childish exploration, yes…I thought it was along those lines, but the truth is ..if they had actual teen sex, it would explain a LOT of things/behaviors/resentments.
Jerry Springer has left the building……Thank you, and Goodnight.
????????????????????
“If you go to the family reunion to meet women……”~~Jeff Foxworthy
Run, very fast, before he develops a crush on your daughter too.
I share your fear. Therapy is definitely indicated.
Megan, as I read your letter the word slavery and slave master kept butting into my thoughts. How many slaves got financial reparation for their free work, losses of references and ALL the other horrible things they suffered? Should they have continued as slaves until master was sued and lost?
You are a slave to an evil fuckwit.
If, I mean, WHEN you get child support you will be ok. You WILL survive. Ask anyone here at Chump Nation.
Megan, he is about to get very VERY mean.
Like Mama Bear Mean – because HE will feel attacked
And possibly dangerous.
Your old life is already gone
Get moving
Yes! Megan – listen to NoMoreNarcs!!! And CL and everyone else but especially THIS ⤴️⤴️⤴️!
You don’t know what he’s capable of but you’re about to find out and you should TRUST that he’s dangerous! (So many many signs, big and small that he’s a scary narcopath.)
I had such utter denial. Cognitive dissonance had me practically dissociated and I’m still paying for it.
Get the best lawyer you can possibly afford and make sure they know what they’re doing!
I totally agree – HE will feel attacked and will become very mean. I went through it twice. My first ex husband became very mean and vindictive when I didn’t like him getting drunk and not coming home (found phone numbers to weird sex places – so gross). Even his friends told me to be careful. I don’t know what he told my uncle, but my uncle told me he didn’t believe him and that ex was trying to destroy me. Ex got a drunk driving, packed up and left (thank goodness), and later I found out he lost his great job with the movie studios, lost his house in another state due to not paying taxes, shot up the house with his shotgun and was last seen wandering the country with a bag of money.
Present stbx got mean and nasty beyond belief. They are indeed scary and very dangerous. I was actually thankful I went through that first experience. It gave me a heads up on what was coming with my 2nd husband. My stbx’s 22 yo gf has no clue what she has gotten mixed up with. I thank her for taking that evil, soulless person out of my home.
They do the most unconscionable things to others, but when their victim stands up for themselves – THEY feel attacked and seek revenge. One positive thing, though, is if you keep calm, the more crazy they will act and then everyone will see that they are the crazy one – not you.
Absolutely my thought as well . . . please get yourself and your children out of there. Best case scenario, change the locks if he’s not on the lease and/or deed for the house. Be ready to call the police when he comes home – hell, call them before to let them know when you expect him!! If he is legally bound to the property, pack some bags and leave. He will become completely unhinged when he finds out what you know, and will become extremely angry and desperate.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, but the damage is done (and thank goodness . . . you dodged a HUGE bullet!) Now is not the time to grieve or wallow in your pain, you need to use those emotions to propel you to action. Please, please get OUT!!
I recommend tipping your hand as little as possible. Know what you know, and document it off-site, but don’t share any more of what you know with anyone but your attorney, your therapist, and extremely trusted confidantes. It’s a leverage thing.
Megan you can do this! You know how awful he is. He was before the incest card played. Since you have been following for a long time, you already knew he sucked. This has to be the final straw as there’s just no way to spin this or spackle it. There is something horribly wrong with him. You can not fix him. It’s not your job to fix him. You need to fix you and protect those children from a monster!
Just wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the UBT break before. Run, don’t walk to your nearest attorney. Get those texts, show them to a lawyer who is an expert in family law and make sure you get full custody. You don’t want that kind of freak around your children.
Blech. I need to shower again even though I just got out.
The aunt was just the latest. You are living with a man who will always do this. Are there other women in his family? Hang on. They will probably get a message too. The guy is past redemption. You KNOW that.
That’s right. My exfucker was trying it on my sister, who shut it down! He even said to me one time “why don’t you just die so I can marry your sister“. It was supposed to be cute and funny, but we were both so alarmed by it. Anything for attention! Good luck to him.
Omg I would tell his mother. I’d tell everyone! Shame him into slinking away. And if he made even one threatening gesture I’d slap him with a PPO.
But it sounds like you’re looking for a more “peaceful” solution. I put that in quotes because tbh I don’t see think the chances are good for that happening. I hope you’re preparing yourself for the possibility that you might have to go scorched earth with this.
And boundary enforcement is going to be critical so get right to work on whatever is keeping you from respecting yourself enough to protect yourself!
I wouldn’t tell right away but I would get solid evidence and then threaten to tell if he doesn’t go quietly. But def use as evidence for your lawyer
This!!!^^^ Do not tell just yet. Use this information to get him to sign off on custody and slink away. Odds are, he was raised in a dysfucktional family and they will either deny it or minimize it. You have an ace in the hole here in that he may be interested enough in image management to either go away quietly, or, let you move away with the kids. My ex wasn’t incestuous, but he really didn’t want to lose his career and good guy image by being exposed for using prostitutes. I used that in order to get court permission to move across the country with my two girls.
“Respect yourself enough to protect yourself” . . . absolutely perfect!!
Don’t tell the mom until you’ve secured a lawyer and gotten all your ducks lined up … and even then, don’t let on that you know until your lawyer says go.
This guy is dangerous. Don’t reveal your hand until you’ve protected yourself first.
These freaks are “attracted” to everyone. Really. It doesn’t take much. I think they just need a warm body.
But seriously how many people heard their cheater talking about how they were “attracted” to all these different people?
They can’t help who they are attracted to. As long as you dont tell mom what is the problem?
Megan please get away from this freak!
Lunch or something….
Fun…
We could have fun together …
This is scary. Take CL’s advice to heart. Run. Protect your kids from a boy who has no morals. Thank god you didn’t marry him. Change the locks today. Prepare yourself for Rage. Hang on. It will be worth it.
RUN! GET THE LAWYER LIKE CHUMP LADY SAYS. SHOW THAT TEXT TO LAWYER. NEVER LEAVE THE KIDS ALONE WITH HIM. HE IS A PREDETOR OAND VERY SICK. ITS NO REFLECTION ON YOU. WHO WOULD EVER THINK PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS?? YOU WERE UNSUSPECTING LIKE WE ALL ARE YOU HAVE THE PROOF NOW. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO USE A LAWYER .NO CONTACT ! DONT EVEN TELL HIM ANYTHING. YOUR LIFE WILL GET BETTER AFTER>
Asking him for money is asking him to mindfuck you and stay in your life.
Truer words. CL you have a gift.
In regard to the business loan….totally write it off. Even if he were to put something in writing and down the road you got a court judgment doesn’t mean he’ll ever pay. If you are able to do without child support you should use it as leverage to get sole custody and him out of you and your babies lives. This guy is totally psycho and I would never leave my kids alone with this man.
Apologies for a commercial break to support our sponsor…
Chump Lady’s comment about “THANK YOU to all the Patreon supporters who are paying it forward for everyone here” refers to the CL column found here:
https://www.chumplady.com/2018/04/happy-blog-birthday-chump-nation-viva-la-revolution/
Any chumps who have not read her post or acted on it PLEASE do so now!!!
Today’s post is just further evidence how much Chump Lady is needed.
Chumps are needed to keep Chump Lady going and we need more people to step up to the plate.
Chump Lady, sorry for interrupting.
To echo Rebecca, for those who can afford to, PLEASE support Chump Lady in her fight against the RIC unicorns. Chump Lady is the voice of reason and sanity in a world dominated by the chump-blaming RIC.
Chump Lady said “the blog will remain available and free to all who need it, regardless of ability to pay, subsidized by those who can and do contribute”. For the past 6 years, Chump Lady has paid to operate the blog herself and worked to find ways to cover its costs. Chump Lady has been there for ALL OF US in our darkest hour of need: let’s support her so she can spend even more time rescuing all those current and future newly-minted chumps stumbling around in the RIC swamp.
To add on to Allgood’s post, Chump Lady can only continue to help Chump Nation if Chump Nation helps her.
She and Mr. Chump Lady work full time at other jobs and the time and financial cost of hosting this sight is huge. This is her second full-time job and the costs have been covered out of her own pocket.
In order to have the blog and forum free to everyone, ALL chumps who CAN contribute $10 or $25 a month (or even $100) will help her be able to run this site. That’s 2 cups of coffee a month for those that frequent Starbucks – I will happily give up Starbucks or even the movies to keep this site going AND to help those chumps that can not afford to help.
Any of you who have CN meet-ups, please reach out to those you know to get everyone on board. For those who are fuckwits watching your spending, buy a gift card from a drugstore or supermarket that you can sign up with.
Chump Lady isn’t comfortable with doing this herself so it is up to all of us whose sanity this site has saved to HELP HER and HELP US!!! Lord knows, no other site out there is helping us!
Sorry, for this whose fuckwits are watching their spending…
Those!!
I need more coffee ☕️
I’m happy to “pay it forward” by making sure others get the help I got here.
[Agree to leave my house] I had this issue too. In my state, if you cohabitate 30+ days and money is exchanged, it is considered a verbal lease and you have to evict that person through the courts/constable the same you would a legitimate tenant. If they don’t choose to leave, if they dig in their heels, it’s an expensive and time consuming process to get them out.
Of course it is still worth it and should be done if necessary, but getting them to choose to leave, if it’s possible, is preferable.
He doesn’t want Mommy to know. That’s leverage.
Girl, you should have screenshot that shit and sent it to yourself as leverage for a good settlement!!! AND GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW!! UUGGGHHHH!!!! And if he raises a bunch of hell you tell him you are going to let everyone know WHAT HE’D BEEN DOING BECAUSE YOU HAVE PROOF! And then he can STFU!!
Or pull it up and photograph it next to something time-specific, like a newspaper or news website or your own phone’s time/date screen. Save it someplace he can’t delete or access it. Then there won’t be a text record on your bill or phone or his phone.
Forward those messages to your phone (to remind you why he is too freaky for you now & forever) and his mom, dad, aunt, uncle and adult cousins. Everyone in his contact list.
I’m paying to see cheaters balls shriveled. We can start with his.
You can do this Megan. CN is here for you.
Oh, Saweet Ba-jebus, Mary and Joseph, St. Francis and St. Claire and any other patron saints I can invoke.
Did you screenshot this info? Send it to an offsite location. (Create a new email he does not know about — you will be sending all kinds of electronic files here for safe keeping.)
Keep your children away from this dog. He knows NOTHING about family boundaries.
shudder, shudder shudder.
*Pardon. Sa-weet Baby Ba-jebus.
I can’t believe there’s still things I read on here after almost 3 years that shock me.
The Aunt?
I actually had a moment reading your letter where I actually said to myself “ Atleast mine only screwed around with my friend from work….and his paramedic student……and a tech from the hospital he worked at…..and the 911 dispatcher……..and then ( wait for it) the paramedic student again” (for the win!!!)
So.happy.im.out. There really is no end to how fucked up these people can be.
I know it’s easy for us to say walk away from the money, but if you weren’t married and you didn’t sign anything with him…..you just handed him your money to start a business you may be screwed on that.
Consider it a hard, expensive lesson learned and go. Don’t invest more time thinking you can get him to do the right thing….he won’t.
Get your child support and get rid of him.
As for your house, if you weren’t married and it was your house before then put him out…..bye!
Seriously, he would come home to all his shit on the yard.
Nothing to work with there…..just go.
When it gets unbearable while you detox from this fucker, come here. We’ve got you.
I would be more than happy to teach others on here how to toss a cheater out within 2 hours carrying their designer luggage, AKA Hefty garbage bags!
That is probably pretty accurate with the $$. Since you are not married, it will most likely be seen as a gift. The OWhore paid off fuckwits credit card (that I allegedly ran up . . . I guess I did, he left me without any financial resources, so I used it for food for his children, clothes, back to school supplies). Regardless, they both filed to have the funds returned in the divorce proceedings, and the judge just laughed and said it was a gift, so no “refunds”.
#donttellmom
omg how many of us can relate
This should have followed almost every text my ex ever sent me, they were so hideous and disturbing. Why are these people so worried about what their MOMS think and not what their spouses and children think?!
^^^^this^^^^
First of all he states “I’m sorry if this is inappropriate,” yet continues anyway, aka no boundaries. Secondly, he gets passed out drunk. A very scary situation. Also, requests, “don’t tell my Mom.
The don’t tell part is definitely part of a pedophile’s MO. Lawyer up, please, and get him away from your children.
I have not had a chance to read all the comments here so I hope I’m not repeating a point, but where is the biological aunt in all this?
She could blow things up.
I hope she’s off somewhere washing the stench of that perverted text off her and copying and pasting that message to every mutual family member and friend they share. I kind of wondered why there was nothing in the letter about the Aunt telling you this had gone on.
Just…..ewwwww.
Right? I’ve been wondering if she’d reach out and tell me about this. I’ve never actually met her but she knows me on fb and could easily give me a courtesy call. WTF? Does she not think this is something I deserve to know?
All the years of grief that I could of been spared of if just one person in his orbit that knew said
“Uhhhh…..Paintwidow? There’s something you should know.”
Everybody covered for him, said it was none of their business.
I would probably private message her on FB now that you have the receipts and ask “wtf???”
Some people just don’t want to get involved in any way shape or form. Yes, you deserve to know! Imagine being in her position and telling you that tho… it would be soooo hard.
The most recent ex’s aunt was the biggest enabler of all & they’d had a codependent toxic dynamic that went back to infancy. Covered for every lie & actively plotted against me at every turn. I’m reminded of a saying by Jay-Z here… “Don’t tell me what was said about me… Tell me why they was so comfortable to say it to you.” Trust none of them and expect they will all band together against you… yes, even the mom. There is no part of this family that isn’t toxic. Save yourself & your kids.
You’re right. The disordered choose their targets carefully–they choose chumps as partners because of our compassion and sense of responsibility; they choose their sexual targets because at one time or another, they sensed an opening. If the aunt hasn’t sent off obvious signals that she is open to flirtation, she also hasn’t shut it down in the past.
Fuckwit’s text to her is pretty blatant; this is not his first “ping” into a romantic/sexual liason with his own aunt. Chilling.
My ex also has a very codependent and toxic relationship with his aunt. When everything blew up and I had to send my stepdaughter back to his family for her own safety, she told me….”I told you years ago to stay away from him, he’s bad news”. I honestly don’t remember her saying that. Either way, a year and a half later, where is he living? BINGO! With his aunt!!!
It is absolutely astonishing how the narrative of so many of these fuck-tards is the same!!!
The aunt may well be innocent, mortified, and confused as hell about what to do.
I mean, I have to say this is a new one for me and I’ve been reading here and dealing with my own fuckwit narco for 18 months overtly (and 35 years married to him).
When I told my wasband that his hero from childhood was VERY inappropriate with me – to put it mildly – wasband seemed hurt. And I THINK maybe mad at me??
I recall the feeling that x was not loyal to ME so much as wanting to be able to worship his hero without my “interference”. I never said another word about the hero, but I never answered the phone once we had caller ID and I saw that loser on the line. X actually visited him and I would bet launched his own smear campaign then…God only knows why.
I was really flummoxed. So for now — if I were you, I’d give the aunt a break and just get the hell out of the situation.
LATER on when asked, you can show the texts (or better yet, start with those texts and hire a good angry lawyer).
Don’t answer her calls.
Nothing she can say will help you and might be used to tip off your spouse to where your heart and mind are (even inadvertently).
Megan, forget about whether the aunt tells you, etc. It. Doesn’t. Matter. That’s just more drama. The point is not whether you deserve to know, because you DO know. You KNOW. You will need all your energy and focus on getting free of this, and getting your kids safe, and what the aunt is or isn’t doing is a major distraction. It’s what YOU are doing that counts. Take your power back.
^^^ this.
We are all behind you, Megan.
It’s only just been over a year of my being away from my ex, and it has been all kinds of terrifying/ devastating. And I could only handle little bits of Chump Lady truth initially.
But now… now, my heart is finally catching up with what my brain/ body (and wise, wise, true friends were saying to me). It WILL be 1000% better to be out of that catastrophic trainwreck of a “relationship”.
Don’t wait for your tender, dear heart to catch up: it will try all sorts of tricks to keep you staying (or letting him stay) because it hurts so very much. Yet you will have time, calmness and clarity down the track to sit with your sadness/ loss. Your critical task for now is to get thyself and your bubs out, or get him out. Please do *something* – inaction CANNOT be an option here. Choose yourself (and your kids) because he is not.
Of all the posts on CL this one makes me do the most praying. PLEASE PLEASE get out!!!! Stay here. Stay mighty. Go on the forums. It’s hard but worth it!!!!
Here’s what I learned after 16 years with a sicko!
1) If you stay in this relationship (for whatever reason: fear, hopium, sparkles), todays disgust over aunt fucking will become “your sick mind making those texts into something they weren’t” In other words the problem will be your response, not his behavior! …. and you’ll believe it!
2) As a recovering boundary bumbler myself, I had to come to terms with the fact that sometimes keeping a boundary means some of the stuff on my side of the boundary gets knocked around. Don’t think of a boundary as a line in the sand. That visual looks like you in front, keeping everything behind you safe.
Think of boundaries as a lattice like enclosure around you and your life. There are Assholes that won’t put in a lot of effort to get in, but they’ll reach in and disrupt things. Luckily they can’t wreck too much from outside your lattice.
There are sneaky people, the ones who lull you into opening the door and letting them inside your lattice, (cheaters, the disordered, etc.) so they can Sabotage what’s inside. While you feel safe to turn your back (because hey… you let them in), the minute you do, they are pocketing your valuables for resale… metaphorically of course.
Then there are those who are outside your lattice but will do anything to get in. Maybe they were once in, and you threw them out, or they are being kept out from the beginning. Irregardless, these are the aggressors, the ones that will ram your lattice. They use fear, intimidation, guilt, etc. to try and force the door open. While they rattle your lattice everything inside is getting shaken up. Shit is getting knocked over, some things break, others will just need to be attended to and picked up later. Your main concern is staying at the door so you can keep them out.
You have to become comfortable with the idea that even with all your effort, nothing is completely protected. Boundaries don’t mean comfort! Once you understand this, you can stop vigilantly trying to protect everything. You know the most valuable thing to protect is you!
Eventually agressors will tire and stop shaking the cage, but will take any opportunity to be an asshole in passing. Jutting their arm in just to see if they can knock something over.
3) The longer you delay throwing out the luller, the more you calculate the sunken cost of doing so. By the time you’ve had enough, they’ve stripped you of the most important things.
This lattice is a wonderful visual analogy for those of us who struggle with all-or-nothing issues. I would often feel like I *let* my boundary get moved, therefore it was my fault, therefore it’s like it never existed in the first place, therefore I was complicit in resetting the line farther and farther back than I ever felt comfortable, therefore no consequences for him, only me. So seeing the idea of a boundary as a lattice is really helpful because it’s so true that there will be assholes who don’t respect my boundary and will reach in over/through my fence. I just need to set my lattice posts down in concrete. And grow some bougainvillea (pretty flowers but sharp thorns) up the sides. 🙂
Yep this goes above and beyond 50 shades of fucked up! You need out NOW and to get this piece of degenerate garbage away from you forever.
Once you let your lawyer deal with him and get him out of your home and child support in place I’d totally tell his mommy.
To quote a brilliant writer* from her blog entry two days ago, “Life coldcocks everyone.”
This is your coldcock, Megan. Don’t ignore it. It’s going to hurt like an auntfucker. It’s going to cost you a LOT of money. But it will be worth all the pain and financial abuse to get that sicko out of your – and your innocent kids’ – lives.
My biggest regret is that I stayed with an emotionally abusive man for as long as I did. In the end, me “staying for the children” only taught them how to treat women like appliances.
Give your kids AND YOURSELF a shot at having healthy relationships; GET OUT.
*Chump Lady on 4/30/18
Megan, first I totally agree with CL , get out of this situation as quickly as possible. This guy is playing dangerous games that could seriously impact your health and that of your children’s. This is really scary stuff!
I have a story that is eerily similar, but it didn’t happen to me , it was a neighbor on our street. She was married with two small children and her husband’s Aunt was visiting from out of town, staying with them for a few days. In the middle of the night, she woke up, hearing noises downstairs and saw that her husband was not in their bed. She got up to investigate and went down to the basement to find her hubby in the guest bedroom with his aunt.
Spoiler alert : this next part is gross!
When confronted her husband said “ But I didn’t put it in her, look it isn’t even wet yet” (OMG , what a complete moron!)
Turns out, this aunt initiated him into sex at 15 and he had been continuing the relationship whenever they met for years! He was 34 at this time.
Happily, she kicked him AND auntie out immmediately and got herself a great cheater and incest free life!!
All cheaters are awful; some plumb the depths of depravity.
I know what it’s like to write something down and feel shocked and sickened and appalled and have no idea how that can be your life you are writing about. It must have been so hard for Meghan to do that. Finding the courage is the first step and it creates forward momentum for what comes next.
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there are other types of abuse happening that you’ve become accustomed to, so find a lawyer who knows about domestic abuse and can give you the right advice for your situation.
It is so hard! When I got word that my letter would be posted (the next day) I broke down in tears because I didn’t think I could handle it. I’m trying to take baby steps and have faith that the strength will come when I need it.
https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse
If it makes you feel any better, I wrote something today (which is true concerning nowdeadcheater and his sister) and after typing it, I had to erase it because it was so bizarre, I cant even bear the idea of people associating this behavior with me (even though I wasnt the one who did it).
Moral of the story, it is hard.
I also agree with pecan…when you get to a better place you may admit to yourself that more abuse was happening than your psyche allowed you to admit. My cheater was dead for months before I looked at the life I lived with him and admitted it was horribly fucked up
Unicornomore and Pecan, this is SOOO true! Only now that I am out of cheaterdom and a free citizen of CN, can I recall more and more abuse episodes that upset me and cause shame much more than D-day itself. Shame of two types: the abuse itself and the fact that I put up with it.
Megan, if this old lady can handle it so can you at 34. You had the guts to write.
Stay strong, we are all here for you.
Honey, if the fact that he chasing sex with his aunt doesn’t get you moving, what will it take?
Did you fall in love with him knowing he would fuck other women, prostitutes, and (perhaps) his AUNT? This is not what you signed up for.
Things certainly won’t improve with a person like him. He has no ethics or morals. And he never will.
He will only go underground and blame you. Be sure of this. You have a better chance of nailing jello to a wall than of having a decent, healthy relationship with a person as low as him. It hurts, but it has to be faced.
Megan, I am a 33 year old professional woman with terrible, terrible boundaries. I was chumped by my first husband after 13 years together, and am just beginning the process of evicting (evicting!) the man I rebounded with after my divorce. I had this man out of my house and foolishly let my guard down, let him back in, and now I’m stuck with an addict until I can file eviction papers! My point is that you are STILL a smart, accomplished woman and you can STILL have boundaries. Get back up on that horse and try again.
Every time we try to enforce our boundaries, I think we get a little stronger. It’s like flexing your muscles. Do it for your kids safety. Do it for your SANITY. If you find yourself waivering, flex those muscles. I can also recommend a book called Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It has been helping me. Be strong!
Already ordered it on Amazon! I also picked up “The Body Keeps The Score” on a friend’s recommendation. Thank you:)
Megan, hide the impulse to share these books with him. No matter HOW relevant the passage or how much it explains what you’re feeling.
Hide the books.
Hide what you learn.
Act as if you were behind enemy lines.
There is much on the forum about what to do now to protect yourself and your future.
Please explore
Poor aunt, if she’s not going along with it, she must feel really violated and preyed upon. If one of my nephews hit on me, I’d be so mortified that I probably would pretend it never happened and hope that he was really high or drunk when he messaged.
Either he’s been raised that family isn’t off limits, or his impulse control is so poor that he doesn’t care. Both are immediate and complete dealbreakers.
I’d worry about him and younger family members.
We have a cousin fucker in the family. She and her husband have a mutually abusive relationship where they drink, fight, and cheat on each other constantly. About once a year, she “leaves” him and runs back to her hometown. During their yearly separation, her husband stays wasted and fucks bar flies the whole time, and she stays wasted and fucks her cousin as often as she can get over to his place. Everybody knows. It’s really gross. None of them have any shame.
But to the point, when her college aged stepson, who was raised by his mom, came to visit his dad during a semester break, she freaked him out and ran him off by creeping on him and being inappropriate.
Didn’t matter that he’s her husband’s biological child, or that he’s not even old enough to drink. He’s male, he’s “hot”, so he’s fuckable.
Incest is a huge taboo, when that boundary is broken, there’s really no coming back from it.
And it doesn’t matter if the aunt is complicit in it or not, it’s about his behavior, not hers.
Megan, your man makes exh2/The Evil One look like Mike Brady.
Good grief…I have nothing to add that hasn’t already been said.
You already know what you need to do.
We’re here for you!
Poor UBT! When someone tells you who they are, believe them! Even if it is unthinkable (Cheaters rely on that). My ex was rolling his own but not with actual consanguinity, but still…
Schmoopie was my ex sister in law who broke up with Ex’s bro when my Kiddo just born and hers about a year old. She was family and we continued to hang out with her and my Kiddo’s cousin, ie treated her as family.
Fast forward to Dday 12 years later and later discoveries: they were at it pretty much the whole time. But of course I am a crazy shrew for suggesting maybe bro ought to get a paternity test.
Fast forward further- I now hear the first few bars of Suelling Banjos when I think on it.
What saved me was stepping away from their Skeins of Fuckeduppedness. Some skeins are a little more snarly than others but they belong with the disordered peeps who do this kind of thing and not never ever ever to the Chump.
Shovel your own shit instead.
Love to all in Chump Nation
X-Mehphista
Some commenters mentioned this previously but i will reiterate, once he knows you know this will get very nasty and possibly very dangerous very quickly. Play your cards close and know you have a safe space to go, or go there first. If he has ever threatened you, done symbolic acts of violence (like punching hand into his other hand, put his hands on your neck, mock raised his hands to you or your kids, spit at, on, or near you, or many other things, be very careful. Be very careful anyway, he’s a drunk. Get a lawyer lined up and get custody, judges don’t like incest.
What CL and maybe others are saying is protect your kids. If this freak will incest with an aunt he will do it with his kids. Your children are NOT safe with him. I am a familiar assault victim and it never goes away. GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!
Megan, this is our new reality. The Internet has allowed people with horrible fantasies to act on them. With just a couple of clicks we can send anything to anybody. We can bully people to death. We now have predators after our children. This is the law of unintended consequences.
You realize he is never going to change. He has access to the whole world. His aunt might be his latest but she will not be his last.
Thank y’all so much for the your input! He’s slept on the couch the past two nights but I haven’t managed to get him out of the house. I just started my job and we haven’t saved up the money to start full-time daycare for the younger two, so he stays home with them during the day. He says he hit rock bottom and is going to change but still hasn’t actually told me what he did. I’m coming to grips with out how ridiculously naive I am to even think he might come clean. It’s a gift, though, really, to have these screenshots and watch him lie to my face that he’s telling me “everything.” It will keep me from giving him another chance.
I need to work up the courage to borrow money from my parents, get my kids in full-time daycare, and throw him out.
I legally a percentage of his company and do all the banking. I hope that I can use those bank statements to get enough court-ordered child support to make it.
I know y’all are trying to shake a sense of urgency into me and I am so thankful! I’m working on it. I’ve actually gotten 3 good night’s sleep, thanks to a beer and 2 advil pm’s. I’ve made it through the work days. I secured immunization records for my kid’s future daycare. I’ve told 2 close friends. Thanks for holding my hand.
I need to work up the courage to borrow money from my parents, get my kids in full-time daycare, and throw him out.
If you were my daughter, not only would I raid my 401k to ensure you had 6 months of bill money in the bank, I would probably offer to move in for a month to ensure he couldn’t break in unnoticed.
The business losses can be written off (literally). So can he. His boundaries are crap and he can earn his 5 year chip at AA before I would spit on him if he was on fire.
Megan, you’re taking baby steps. I am glad that you told a couple of close friends. You will need the support. Also, while you’re at it, ask the local women’s shelter about therapist recommendations.
I will say, though, that given what he texted his aunt, I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with him watching the children. One of my nieces was sexually abused as a toddler by one of her uncle’s friends. Age is no guarantee of safety when you’re dealing with a predator. Remember that you don’t know what he means by “rock bottom.”
Lawyer up quickly and don’t tell him about it. Once he knows you’re trying to oust him from your life, he will get very nasty very quickly. Once you have your lawyer, ask about the following:
*Can you legally evict him from your house?
*Can you legally deny him custody/visitation? Would not accepting child support help you in this?
*How can you extricate yourself from part ownership of the company?
I’m going to return to the child safety issue. I think it’s worth taking your children in to see a child therapist experienced in the area of sexual abuse. What you want to do is to find out if your boyfriend has been abusing your children while you’re out of the house. Remember that he repeatedly told his aunt not to tell mom. There is no guarantee that he’s not abusing your children and telling them not to tell mom. You might even have a discreet webcam or two in the house to let you watch what goes on.
Please keep us posted.
It’s not going to look good in court that you knew what he was doing and you still left the kids with him.
Your house is on fire. You don’t have time for baby steps
1000 thumbs up
THIS. Call your local domestic abuse shelter. Call the hotline. Use the link I placed above to get connected to legal resources in your area. Go move out and sofa surf with a friend. If those friends know about the pervy aunt come-on, I should think they don’t feel your kids are safe with him either.
NOW. Protect your kids. Domestic shelters can most likely help you with the daycare too. Ordinarily I would applaud baby steps, but Megan, baby steps are not going to cut it. I know EXACTLY how mortifying it feels to be in a domestic abuse situation. You’re minimizing this to yourself, thinking baby steps are enough, because it’s terrifying to face the enormity of how much he sucks and how sick this is. Face it later and ACT NOW. Call your folks, get the money wired, go stay with a friend. He’s not your babysitter — consider how this looks to the court. YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM. PERIOD.
Yes. And if he gets wind of what is up, he may kidnap those children as leverage. How close are your parents? Can they watch the kids?
THIS.
I moved a girlfriend out of her house in the middle of the night when she told me her husband was beating her, and had her sleep on my couch while she got back on her feet and went to court. Every minute she stayed there was a ticking bomb.
Don’t wait. There are people out there ready to help you.
This is going to sound hippie dippie- but if you leap- the Universe will help you.
You know how people say if you waited for the right time to have children you would never have them? Megan, this is that situation times 1 million.
What you are actually doing is stalling. How do I know? Because I did it for 11 years. I also was with someone who I had no idea who he would fuck: if someone even had a heartbeat and showed interest in him I think he would’ve fucked them. And most likely did. It was such a scary way to live.
So back to the universe. All the ducks are never going to line up perfectly. And some may not line up at all. You just have to make the leap. Think of it as you were standing on top of a burning building and a helicopter is hovering overhead to rescue you. Would you say: wait a second- I have to make sure my pockets are empty and my hair is perfect?
No. You would grab your children and snatch that rescue ladder. Once you remove the 200 lb caancerous wart off your back, everything will be easier.
It is such a shit hoagie. That you have to throw your life in chaos. But there’s nothing for it. A man who wants to have sex with his aunt has stopped viewing you as a human being. He may not see anyone as a human being. People are holes to fuck and cake.
That you are leaving your children with him alone may be a decision you will woefully regret one day
You are in an emergency situation. You don’t have the leisure of getting everything just right. Movement. Action. No contact.
Megan,
I agree with all that’s been said here. In some contexts baby steps are great, but I think you’re playing Russian roulette with your kids’ safety everytime you leave them with him. Please don’t minimize his dysfunction. It’s time to take giant mama bear steps, even if it’s scary and even if it’s against what others tell you to do. Take a leave from work, call your folks and tell them your kids are at risk and you need help today, pack your shit and go anywhere else with your babies, hire an attorney ASAP to begin protective orders, and send your ex an email with the screenshot of his texts to his aunt and say “you are not a safe person for me or my kids. I’m worried what you may do to them. This is over.” If you need to lie to buy space and time, do it. Offer to send him in a trip away so he can clear his thoughts, talk him into it, then move fast once he’s gone.
Act as if your children are at daily risk of being assaulted. Act that quickly. I’ve known guys like this, believe me when I say your children are at risk, in one form or another. Don’t pass go, don’t stop for a beer and some sleep meds…go to fucking war to protect your babies.
Megan, listen. I appreciate you’re in shock and grieving, but “he’s slept on the couch the last 2 days and staying home alone with the kids”? YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN AROUND YOU. You don’t have the luxury of “working up the courage”, you have a four-alarm fire emergency on your hands. The longer you drag this out, the more opportunity for him to fuck you over financially, hurt your children, or the court question why you allowed a deranged monster to stay.
Get a lawyer 5 minutes ago. If you don’t have money to pay them, ask for a payment plan. There’s a tiger sleeping in your living room with full access to your kids and finances. You guys need to get away from him immediately.
Sorry to hear that you are doing the adulting while your ‘partner’ chases his aunt!
Thanks to the OP for the update. Please don’t fall under the “I’ve CHANGED. I’ll BE BETTER” schtick. I’m no shrink but this guy sounds like he has huge gorilla issues that You Can’t Fix. (Actually, I’m not sure a shrink could either.) Please borrow some $ from your folks and call some friends to help you pack his stuff while he’s out. You’re friends probably already know he’s a glassbowl, they’re just too polite to say anything. Here’s to hoping you get him out soon.
Megan, I’ve been on this site a long time. I’m way past the bullshit and thoroughly into Meh. But I’ve gotta tell you, I flipped my shit when I read this post. I’ve read a lot of things, but this . . . wow.
I understand that starting over is hard. I get it, it’s scary. But what the fuck is scarier than having a man in your house that thinks incest is ok? Are you hearing me?
After reading that text, I would have saved it, and launched him into the unknown. If I had to move in with my parents for awhile, I’d do it. Having him around while you sort it out is not an option. However difficult it is, extract this parasite from your life.
Here’s a suggestion: If that mother fucker doesn’t play nice and get out, tell him you’ll tell EVERYONE about those text messages. He seems really concerned nobody know about them. You tell him you’ll make sure everybody does, including your lawyer.
Rumblekitty, there are times we can use leverage and I’m afraid if she plays this card he may do her and those children harm.
He’s at rock bottom.
Megan, you have control over the finances. It’s a false sense of power as predators like him are unpredictable.
Listen to Rumblekitty.
Mine tried to fuck one of my best friends in our house while both my daughter and I were home asleep. I found out about it TEN YEARS LATER. Yes, I missed red flags, but had I known about this one I would have bolted.
My point is that you found a silver bullet that leaves NO DOUBT about what to do.
Your children are babies. You are young. Either you’ll raise them by yourself or meet a man worthy of you and a role model for them. Either is way better than subjecting your children to this crazy manchild as a role model.
I wish I’d known. I’d have moved on long ago and my daughter wouldn’t have been exposed to his narcissism which has certainly rubbed off on her. I’m praying it’s a phase, since she’s in her second toddler phase as a teenager.
I believe narcissism is an inherited tendency since to a degree it’s biologically based
https://www.drsyrasderksen.com/blog/seeing-narcissism-in-the-brain
I don’t know if empathy can be developed but maybe with kids it couldn’t hurt to try
Empathy absolutely can be cultivated in children (but it does have to start early):
https://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-empathy-tips.html
Giddy eagle…wow! Mine did the same thing.. screwed my friend in my home while I had a house full of people and family in to visit.. twice! Then he went after my sister and had a three way with my best friend and her husband. Those are the ones he admitted to anyway… but it took me 10 years to trick him into telling on himself… everyone close to me knew and said nothing… except my sister who told me he approached (attacked) her and she ran.. but it was years later when she told me and he denied it of course… I wish I had known I wish I had a time machine too.. but I will be glad to be free and out of his crazy making.
His total lack of boundaries is frightening.
He feels so entitled and without boundaries or morals that he can “do whatever I want”.
He is trying to screw his Aunt !! Who’s next–his mother ??
In a few years when his own daughter hits puberty, what do you think a slime with no morals and no boundaries will think and do ??
RUN…RUN fast and get thee to a lawyer ASAP and with this documentation, I’d push for supervised visitation only with his kids.
“He is trying to screw his Aunt !! Who’s next–his mother ??”
TBH, I’m scared it’ll be his kids. This guy is entitled, has no boundaries, and is willing to burn the world down for his sexual gratification. That is legit terrifying.
WOW Megan. At least you don’t have to debate with yourself if you should stay or go…
Actually he should go.
There has to be something you love about him, that’s going to be your inner struggle, and I sure hope you can do the right thing. Do it for your two kids. But also, do it for future Megan, the smart, professional Mom that makes shit happen, and leaves lying losers! It’s such a sad scene- him home drunk in the middle of the night, you searching his texts ( finding out incest sounds fun to him!). Don’t you need more than that? Like a cool, stable life? Don’t settle for scraps, love yourself more than that. I wish you much luck, and a strong backbone!!
Hookers….relatives….eventually children if not already.
I’d be worried for the family dog as well.
He has no boundaries. He has no limitations.
He is dangerous. He is truly psycho.
RUN!!!!
I do love him and I think I see good in him. I know that’s some crazy nonsense and I hear all of you. I think he’s a good Dad, too, even though I know a good Dad wouldn’t have done these things. You’re right. I’m sincerely scared that if I expel him from our lives he’ll kill himself. Also, not the trait of a good Dad. Let’s say I’m wrong, and he’s a great Dad and this was a one off… If he’s a good person, he’ll respect my decision and do what he can for his family at a distance.
And Mrs. Sandusky thought her husband was just having young friends over to mentor in their basement.
GET OUT. He is NOT a good person or a good husband or a good father. He fucks prostitutes and propositions his aunt. Let me put that another way — he BUYS PEOPLE and THINKS INCEST IS OKAY.
And another way — HE IS OKAY WITH YOUR SUFFERING AND ACTS “BETTER” TO GET YOU TO PAY FOR HIM.
Stop spackling and start acting to save yourself. And if you don’t care about yourself, care about your kids, PLEASE.
For the kids!!!!
“I think I see good in him.”
It doesn’t matter; he can rescue thousands of hurricane-displaced puppies, or give up eating for a week to send money to famine-ravaged areas. Within the context of human relations, he is NOT a good person. What he has done to you is sufficiently awful; people do not have domain-specific empathy, which means his “good dad” act is probably impression management and not based on any real sense of compassion. As soon as it no longer benefits him to play good-dad, he will drop the facade and things will get ugly.
People stating your case is one of domestic abuse are right; please don’t wait and become a statistic or a headline. The disordered ramp up the ugly fast once they are caught.
We all thought they were “good” at some point in time!!
They’re good all right, good actors.
Your picker and your boundaries I think are both equally weak. Cheating and incest are not excusable behaviors.
We’ve all come from the place you are to varying degrees and spackled our share. We know how fear, helplessness and indecisiveness feel and it seems the message you’ve received has been almost universal.
He’s not good. You are at risk. Your children are at risk. You need to take immediate action.
The way this is going he could end up with custody. You could be the one paying support. Especially if he knows about the beer and ambien.
“People do not have domain specific entity”
Love this!
Is there any research on this, Tempest?
This is absolutely on point. You can’t be a twisted MF’er and also be a good guy. You can’t have two different people inside of you of such extremes.
Its horrifying how many times I saw the good guy (and believed it) and then all it takes is one small thing to accidentally trigger the BAD GUY. My husband helps old ladies in the neighborbood… but he also screams an inch from my face veins bulging threatening to knock my teeth down my throat and slams things around me until I hyperventilate. Should I stay because he trimmed a tree branch in an elderly widow’s yard? No because one day Im not going to have a face and it will be too late then. I wish I took the advice of others and called the hotline. It felt like I was over reacting. Oh but he’s good 50% of the time. Well yeah that’s how this works. It’s a tricky game they play with our minds. That pity party is so hard to resist. He’s now texting “please help me”. It’s heartbreaking. But you reach your hand out and they flash an evil smile and yank you down in the hole with them. Strength. Gather your strength and see through the act. Imagine finding out he said “don’t tell mommy” and this time its to your kids and not his aunt.
Think Jekyll and Hyde Megan. Get him out. We’re with you.
Because my nowdeadcheater was decent to other people, I blinded myself to how awful he was to me. I saw good in him where there was very little.
This is a new idea for me, Tempest, and very important: “People do not have domain-specific empathy.”
This is spot on…i too bought into the “good dad” version of him until he turned on his OWN kids when he wasnt compelled by the state to support them financially. They even asked him nicely to help us (after he spent all their savings) because he had left us bankrupt. No he was out of there! Onto the next victim/naive 20 something thai girl. No room for pesky hangers on !! He tried to make it sound like he was giving them a life lesson in self sufficiency ….despite still getting $ handouts from his own parents at 46 years old.
He also managed to throw them under the bus by accusing them of being spoilt money grabbing brats if they dared to approach him for help- this realisation of their dad has been very painful for them to accept. The tendancy to see “good” in separate parts of their lives is to desperately try and believe they cant be as horrific as their behaviour is screaming. Please dont try and rationalise his behaviour in isolation. You cannot trust ir respect him. Its over.
We all thought they were “good” at some point in time!!
They’re good all right, good actors.
Your picker and your boundaries I think are both equally weak. Cheating and incest are not excusable behaviors.
We’ve all come from the place you are to varying degrees and spackled our share. We know how fear, helplessness and indecisiveness feel and it seems the message you’ve received has been almost universal.
He’s not good. You are at risk. Your children are at risk. You need to take immediate action.
To add to this, prostitutes usually are introduced into the life at 12-13 years old. If he was using prostitutes, odds are he was already screwing some poor child victim–and he was okay with it. Good people are not okay with victimizing others. In any form. Odds are also that incestuous sex abuse is endemic in that family. GET OUT. Stop telling yourself “Oh, he did THIS terrible thing, but he’d NEVER do THAT terrible thing.” Yes he will. He probably already has. DO NOT FAIL TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. Get to a shelter. Call the police and have his computers seized.
Don’t trust luck or your gut. Get a lawyer & trust that person.
CPS involvement is right around the corner & think about the joys of foster care, court cases & public scrutiny.
Get him out and away from your kids. Ask your best buddy to watch them this week while you get him OUT.
Whether or not he kills himself is not your problem. What he might do to you and/or his kids is your problem and you need to protect yourself and them.
Okay, I am so upset my head is going to explode if I don’t write. I have read your replies to comments but so far I don’t see your focus being on your children – which gets me so upset. THEY are who you should be thinking about NOT HIM. Get your kids and GET OUT! It sounds complicated, but it really is that simple. Like Chump Lady said – this is NOT the time for baby steps!!!
Here’s another way to look at it: What if someone reports this stuff to Social Services and you get your children taken away? It can happen. Then you are in the fight of your life to get them back once the State is involved.
Before now, you were innocent – but now you know – so action from you is required. If you don’t act, you are complicit. That’s a fact.
I know I sound harsh – but you seem way too focused on him, what he wants, what he might do. . . .
I am sorry you are in this situation, but you do need to act NOW not later.
Agreed. Assuming what Megan knows is the tip of the iceberg, those kids could be removed from the home if they’re deemed at risk. Especially if a judge believes the mother was complicit in some way—knew and didn’t take action. Too risky.
Megan, your kids are at risk. This is a man with zero boundaries and heaps of sexual dysfunction. It’s that serious. Take strong action. Be your kids advocate. And have them assessed for sexual assault, just to be sure. It doesn’t matter whether you think he’s a good or great dad. Shelve that self conversation for a later time. What you know is that you are leaving your kids alone with a guy who pays for sex and wants to screw his aunt. Look yourself in the mirror and repeat that then convince yourself it’s ok. Worry about fallout later, protect your kids. It is that simple. Best of luck and strength.
Megan, the man you think that he is does NOT exist, it is your projections. One of the hardest things that most of us here had to face was admitting that our cheater spouse was not the person that we thought they were and NEVER WERE !!
Look at his ACTIONS and nothing else !! He’s a messed up alcoholic with serious boundary issues. To put it bluntly–he’s seriously fucked in the head !! Where did this “he’ll kill himself” crap come from ?? That’s manipulation from him. Remember that the disordered have 3 main channels— pity (I’m gonna kill myself), sad sausage (I hit rock bottom boo hoo I’ll change) AND rage which you will quickly see if you force him to face consequences.
You desperately need to get out or do you want to spackle and in 15 years have to face the fact that “Mr Wonderful” molested his teenage daughter and SHE tried to kill herself from the trauma ?
Megan:
If you must…..love this idiot from a distance, until you don’t any more! He is NOT a good dad! Good Dad’s don’t disrespect the mother of their children by sleeping with prostitutes, staying out drinking until 4 am and spend their time sexting with relatives!!!! Good dads are home with their children helping to raise them, modeling good behavior and providing a safe home and stability. This man child does not do these things for his children. He is dead weight you are carrying around and he is letting you because he is too weak to be an adult! STOP making excuses for his sorry ass. You can go it alone and you will be better off in the long run. I know it is scary. But you will see just how strong you are! Lean on friends and family in the beginning to help you. ASK FOR HELP from them. Please don’t stay with this man. You deserve so much better. Your children deserve so much better!
Good counsel. She is desperately confused and cannot see the obvious. Once she starts breathing fresh air and is away from the 24 hour gas lighting – I know poor Megan will be horrified that she posted hopeful thoughts about him. I say that with absolute kindness.
It is so hard to truly grasp these people don’t mean what they say. Literally when they passionately declare love for you- in their mind they might be thinking: IHOP sounds good…. I want some pancakes. They know the words to the song but not the melody.
Once Megan gets her children to safety, she needs to learn about sociopaths.
Very few cultures do not have a strong taboos against incest. Someone who would proposition their aunt for sex is someone who breaks all taboos gleefully. He is so jaded that sex with children might be the next thing that excites him. Sickening. But very likely.
But megan,
This was not a one off. You said this was your 3rdish D-day THAT YOU KNOW OF. The numbers don’t even matter anymore. What matters is that this guy is a threat to your children. It concerns me that he is the center of your focus. DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR CHILDREN?? Don’t work up the courage to go to your parents. JUST GO. It may feel “wrong” to you inside, but that will get worked out later. Once you go no-contact or low contact this fog will lift. You’ll feel ashamed of yourself for keeping yourself and the children in this situation. However, you will be able to forgive yourself in time. Please.
Mega, Ted Bundy was a do-gooder. He assisted on crisis hotlines, etc. Look how that wound up! They fried him here in Florida like a piece of bacon for “all the good that he did.” That monster!
Please don’t fall for “good dad”. My cheater used “I might be a bastard but at least I’m a good dad” as the biggest cover up for his disordered personality. In truth, he was having sex in the same room with his son asleep in there and was using him to give women on dating sites a false indication that he must be a nice guy, because “look how cute his son is”… he even took his son on dates with him.
You can’t trust a known liar.
Like Peaceful, I heard that my ex-spouse ‘was a &$!@ of a husband but loves his kids.’ These relatives don’t know that he spent much of our kids’ college savings for sex with prostities while married to me (before he filed for divorce) and, I’ve heard from reliable sources, beat our kids with a belt while I was away from home (at my lab/classroom).
While I certainly can’t guarantee he won’t kill himself, I’d lay big odds he would never do such a thing. These defects rarely hurt themselves they just like to keep you thinking they will. Keep you on your toes. Him playing the part of being so sorry, playing the part of being a good Dad is just him playing a part. What screws with our heads is they seem so normal at times and other times you think they are so confused or tormented by their bad behavior that your heart goes out to them and we second guess ourselves. He’s NOT a good guy. He’s a very disturbed man and trust me he will take you down if you do not cut him loose.
Well….. not making excuses for my cheater. But she had an uncle try and rape her when she was 16. Everyone wanted to keep it quiet. He was afterall a great money maker and father. In the end he made attempts to do this with other young girls. He did commit suicide. Because of the soon to be public info. I would take a very uneducated guess and say RUN!!! These people who go way beyond the Norm (use that term loosely) are sick and there is no telling what he might do or has already done!
Megan, for goodness sake! What is the definition of a “good” dad? That he makes puns and jokes and makes the kids laugh at his loud farts? Babysits them for you (to have some free time to call hookers?) and feeds them (with junk food? to look good? to keep the kids quiet?) with food you buy and put on the table most of the time? Takes kids to amusement parks (so he can have fun too – after all he seems pretty immature – and have some more free time to call hookers?)?
It is far easier to look good than to BE good. I bet every “good” thing he does for his kids, has a hidden motive. A good father, be definition, is not into incest and prostitutes because he dedicates ALL of his resources to his family.
Your kids are small, it is easier and less expense to be a good father at this stage (and, BTW, who gets up in the night with the ear aches?).
My XH was a “good” father. Especially with the farts. But it was really all about him. He was NEVER around for the real trouble.
And during our divorce he was such a damn “good” father that he did not hesitate to use his grown sons in court to blame them for his debts!!!! so he could get to divide them with me because they supposedly were “made for the good of the family”. I proved that the debts were made on his unnecessary fancy cars, clothes for sluts, hotel bills, etc.
Megan I lament every day the bad example that I, Clearwaters here, not lord sparkledick, gave my sons about relationships. At least they are the first to admit that their father was never capable of having a meaningful conversation, debate anything, teach anything that wasn’t at the level of farting styles or how to polish a car. This observation gives me hope.
Omg triggered again. EX fucktard made it a ‘thing’ that the ‘school fees’ were paid from kids personal savings therefore QED they benefit so no harm done….. no shit. yhey manage to rationslise Everything to their hero status. It helps to compare the experience to that of being in a cult. …
A great dad would NEVER behave this way. This wasn’t a mistake … and guarantee you this wasn’t a one-time thing either, just the first incident you caught. It takes major hubris to trample someone’s boundaries like this and text his aunt. It’s doubtful this is his first rodeo.
And even if you’re wrong (hint: you’re not), do you want to take a chance with your kids’ safety?
Hello Megan,
I just want you to be aware that threatening to kill themselves is a big tactic of abusers. If that doesn’t work on you, the next step is often physically harming you or the kids. I know, I went through this and I didn’t know at the time.
You say “I see good in him”, yeah – you can’t fix him and often the ‘good’ you see is gaslighting bullshit. Ask the chumps here. Reminds me of Star Wars when Luke Skywalker says: “There’s good in him, I’ve felt it!” and well, it wasn’t really there, Darth Vader cut his arm off & Luke barely got out alive. YOU need to get moving.
Jedi Hugs!
Fine. You don’t like the black and white commentary. the good versus evil. Fine. You still need to believe that ‘ there’s a little bit of good in everyone’. We at CN are just all angry and ‘bitter’. Fine.
You will live to regret it.
What I see is that CN cares more about you and your children at this time than you do. What I see is that your mind is so scrambled at this time that you don’t know your head from your ass and can’t bring yourself to believe what is in front of you.
But I know that the CN 2×4 has hit you upside the head and sooner rather than later you’re going to start singing a different song. Right now you’re singing a load of rubbish.
I mean would you advise anyone else to stay in your situation?
He must love how clueless you are right now! He’s got you so good you are inflicting your own torture.
Get the hell out . You won’t have a single long term regret. You bred with a shit. Sorry. It happens. You can’t turn him o to a decent guy. Cut and run.
I repeat, play your cards close to your chest. Do not let on anything.
You just cannot make this shit up,,!
Exit stage left girl! Grab your kids and go!
You can’t help him. Actually no one can.
Wow. Ick. Shudder. The one problem with coming to this site is getting so many first hand accounts of just how twisted and evil people can be. My ex is a veritable saint compared to so many others. It doesn’t do great things for my faith in human nature. On the other hand the chumps are mighty and I guess that compensates.
Megan
I think your picker is on strike. Please get a really good therapist and really great lawyer. I don’t have children and I hope I’m not out of line in saying that a person who sleeps with hookers and propositions his own aunt probably shouldn’t be trusted around children. Sounds like this guy has absolutely NO boundaries whatsoever. He has way more problems than you can solve. Loving him isn’t going to fix someone who wants to screw his own aunt. Please, please please tell me that the aunt did SOMETHING about this creepy text she recieved. Notified you, or her sister/brother, the police, a psyche ward? People of all walks of life get themselves into situations with undesirable people. Everyone on this site is here for the same reason as you, Megan. Being a Chump crosses over all social, economic, national and religious lines. Please stay on Chumplady and keep moving forward! Definitely No Contact!!
Get a lawyer and get out! Go no contact, and rebuild without him. He’s gross.
I had a friend who was going through her midlife crisis and having affairs, popping pills, and lying to her spouse regularly. I tried to be a nonjudgmental ear for her, but one day, she said, “The first time I made out with my brother-in-law…” I put my hand up and stopped her and said, ‘I’m judging’. Boundary issues know no boundary, apparently. At least these two weren’t biologically related, but it was still gross and inappropriate.
His mother already knows what he is capable of. It sounds like “don’t tell my mother because I told her I wouldn’t do this shit again”, is what that message was about and that means the aunt knows about that messed up crap already too. Get your kids and yourself to safety. Child abuse “families” stick together to keep the secret cause publicity is abhorrent to them.
Megan, let’s leave the propositioned aunt out of this. It’s a distraction. This man stays out to 4am and comes home drunk while KNOWING he’s providing daycare.
He probably drove home under the influence. People who are willing to drive while under the influence usually are willing to drive like that with kids in the car.
What hungover person is great at taking care of someone else? Those diapers will not get changed. The food will not be monitored (or given).
The boo boos will not be kissed.
No books will be read.
People with hangovers are usually cranky. Imagine him screaming at or backhanding or shaming your children because that’s what he’s doing.
Your children won’t tell you they didn’t get a snack or hung out in a shitty diaper for hours.
The person you are really protecting right now is yourself – from the magnitude of your situation. And that’s the Megan we all want to hug while lovingly encouraging you to get your but in gear already.
OP, please register the fact that this man is a credible threat to your children.
If you continue to love and care for him, and he ends up molesting your children, you will have the blood of your children on your hands.
“But you will GAIN sanity and self-respect. ”
And then you see the value of life and you will start to fight for it, rather than dying a little more each day staying with a cheater.
(Hey CL and Tempest — after reading everything, I wondered… should her name be changed here, maybe? Just a thought.)
Just when I think I’ve heard it all with cheater stories…gah. Can’t get past the phrase “Don’t tell Mom”…YUCK. Please run away from this man!
Megan
Quite apart from all the horrific stuff (the aunt, the cheating, the money), one of the lines in your post that made me feel very sad was when you said you were ‘waiting to get married…because I don’t trust him’. Please Megan, remember this. You knew he was bad. You knew you didn’t want to marry him (just yet). What I am wondering is: what were you waiting FOR?
This makes me feel sad for you but also for myself, in recognition, and I’m sure there are many others who for the latter part of their marriage were waiting. Waiting for things to get better. Even working on it (couple’s counselling, trying not to nag or whatever). I feel that most of us, maybe all, would be waiting forever.
When my ex walked out on me and the kids and my sister asked me ‘why didn’t you leave him?’ I thought she was insane. Why would I leave him? I loved him! Now I wonder not only why it honestly never occured to me to leave him, but what I was thinking when I married him in the first place. And (with therapy and a lot of thinking) I am coming to the conclusion that I really thought I didn’t deserve better, that I was lucky to have him etc. I sense there is some of this going on with you, too. It is hard, if you have low self esteem, to do what is right for you, or even to know what that is. Five years down the line, I lost everything in one sense (my home, my hair, my sight, all our money) but I gained my freedom and, slowly, slowly, I am building myself up. Priceless. Wouldn’t change it for the world. And yet I STILL fall into the trap of thinking the best of him, the miserable sorry excuse for a man. It’s hard but it can be done.
If I could do it after 20 years a stay at home mum and utterly dependent on him in every way, then so can you. You will. Let everything go – the house, the money, whatever you have to, to save yourself and your children.
I hope your hair grew back.❤️ My X used to make fun of my hair loss.
Funny- once I knocked him out of my house, literally and physically- the hair loss stopped.
Amen !!!
This post has bothered me most of the day. I work in the psych arena. This husband, aka POS, is grooming his victim, aka aunt, etc. I also worked forensics, this is a tragedy waiting to happen. Megan, PLEASE don’t let your children or you become a victim to his sick abuse! I rarely ever speak of what I have seen, it would give one nightmares! Please, please get yourself and your children out, NOW!
I know this sounds dramatic, I am not a drama queen, just someone who has seen things go from “everything is ok, Officer,” to a tragedy.
Eliza, I empathize. I thought that ‘I couldn’t do better’ when it came to finding a partner, which is why I hung onto my last boyfriend, no matter how much he hurt me and often he left (or threatened to leave me).
You can do better, Rock Star. You just have to heal up first. You have to love you.
1. He has money for prostitutes but not to marry the mother of his children.
2. And…prostitutes.
3. Other women
4. Gets drunk and comes home at 4 a.m.
5. Three D-Days since the birth of your first child.
Yeah, he’s a prize.
I dated a guy in college who tried to commit suicide when I broke up with him. So I went back. And stayed. Until he tried to kill me.
Make sure you find a good lawyer. If you can show you funded the business, you might be able to argue you have a 50% stake in it. So he can either buy you out or you could ask for your share to be paid monthly along with child support. And I fully agree with doing whatever it takes to get the kids into daycare. You can’t leave kids with a drunk.
I don’t see any hope for a man who sexts his AUNT. But I also don’t see any hope for a man who knows you need to get to work in the morning and stays out to 4 a.m. after an argument about his demeanor, which shows the kind of detachment characteristic of, at minimum, your devaluation in his eyes. Let me be blunt about this: it doesn’t matter if you love him or if you find good in him. What matters is if he is putting you at risk–for financial shenanigans, for STDs, for abandonment, for emotional trauma, for emerging or deepening codependency in response to his drinking problem.
You’ve done everything a good partner could do to make this relationship work, from forgiving the first betrayal, to bearing two children, to financing his business, to providing a home for this selfish, disordered person. You can kick his ass out. You can set some tough boundaries around his visitation with the kids. You can insist he be evaluated regarding this interest in incest before you sign off on visitation. You can insist on child support and compensation for what you invested in his business. But know this–at some point a man who has a drinking problem and zero boundaries will wreck his life. That business. And you and your kids.
If he is indeed a good person, a good man, he will take the end of your relationship and the loss of time with his kids as a giant wake up call that he needs help. Let him spend 2-3 years “changing.” Read CL on changing–whether it is likely that a man who chases prostitutes and pursues sex with his auntie and comes home drunk at 4 am will do the hard work of internal change. Look how hard it is for you, Megan, to imagine kicking him out and just changing your expectations. He has to change WHO HE IS.
Spot on.????
Megan I feel for you and am worried for you. It is incredibly hard to see clearly when you are in the thick of it. I was mentally and physically abused for seven years by my narc ex. Everytime I tried to grow a back bone and kick him out only to give him another shot because the tears would start flowing, he too hit rick bottom more times than I can remember.
Please get out!
Once I finally had enough and kicked him out for good he became a complete crazy person. Stalking me and trying to break into the house. The diffrence that made it stick the last time was telling everyone i trusted the truth. It was so hard. I felt so much shame, but I am so glad I did. I had the love and support of my family. And there was no more dirty little secret.
Now looking back I should have just packed up and ran with my boy. I had to get the authorities involved. And I am glad I did. He spent a year in jail and it was the biggest weight off of me. And the no contact gave me the space to really see clearly.
If you aren’t convinced by what everyone is saying and understand that you must get away. I hope my story helps you to take that leap.
I had days I thought I would have to comitt myself because if the extreme anxiety and panic attacks. I laywered up immediately and got full custody of my son. Was I out a lot of money? Yes but it didn’t matter and it doesn’t matter now. I got the most important thing, my boy. And every day got better. I’m not at meh yet but getting there.
Oh and I also need to add that narc ex is again trying to contact me to see his son. He is using the same lines and b.s. as before. It will be a cold day in Hell. Thank God for NO contact and Thank God for CL. I see so clearly now and you will too Megan once you get away!
https://www.bustle.com/articles/91486-14-things-you-should-never-tolerate-in-a-relationship-because-you-deserve-someone-who-wants-you?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=pro&utm_campaign=fbpro91486
Megan, so sorry sweetheart. Family fuckers are in a special category all their own. Evil.
Ditto what everyone said: you cannot make him do anything. Lawyer up. A judge will “make” him do what the law allows. Your job now is to stay as grey rock or no contact as can be. Make it your priority. Push through to divorce. Hang on for a ride, it will be over in a year or two and you’ll look back on this post with amazement and gratitude that it is behind you.
Hugs!
Fortunately for Megan, they are not married and she owns the home. Hopefully in her name alone!
Megan
Chump Nation has offered some fantastic advice here.
IMHO there are a few things I would like to comment on although I am no expert.
#1 ) There is a big elephant in the room – His sexual disorder is showing – don’t ignore it.
#2 ) You also need to identify all of your ducks before you can act upon them.
#3 ) The biggest decision is to prioritze your ducks.
#4 ) Working out what your role is and what roles others have to play.
#5 ) Hard decisions / easy decisions.
Let’s start with an easy one 🙂
Dear BF is threatening suicide (which is emotional abuse to the max)
Solution: Dial 911 and say (in a tearful voice) My BF and I have just had a fight and he has threatened suicide.
Within 10 minutes a Police cruiser will be at your front door, then the concerned State Troopers will invite you BF to accompany
them either of his own free will or in handcuffs. BF won’t have a choice.
He will be taken to the nearest hospital that has a Psychiatric Unit and will be admitted voluntarily or involuntarily and get
to spend the next 3 or so days and nights in the company of patients who have real Mental Health Issues.
He will be confined to his ward, poked and prodded and possibly medicated against his will.
Bonus points – you will shut that shit down. (Wanna threaten suicide Buddy – this is what happens)
#1) As a number of contributors have noted, this guy is not to be trusted with your children.
He may already be grooming them, or even assaulting them right now.
Why risk your child’s physical, emotional and spiritual health? Once the deed is done, there is no turning back.
As stated. If child protection get involved and you’re found to be complicit, then you’ll have one hell of a fight to
get custody yourself.
#2) Here’s a list of ducks: Your safety, your children’s safety, finances, your loans to him etc.
#3) As I see it the priority could go like this:
1) Personal safety for you and your children. Get away from this guy.
2) Grab 3 months worth of emergency funds from what ever account(s) you can. If the Judge says you have to pay him back, then
you can be contrite and offer up at $10.00 / week / month ‘coz that’s all you can afford.
3) Go strict No Contact
Any phone calls go to voice mail. Don’t delete any of them.
Any texts can be ignored. Don’t delete them.
Any e-mails can be ignored. Don’t delete them.
4) Find yourself an angry pitbull lawyer.
5) Find yourself a good forensic accountant. (Who knows what you can and cannot recover from your investment)
6) Surround yourself with trustworthy and supportive people.
#4) Your role:
Get you and your children to safety. Take your photo albums, family heirlooms, pets, anything of value to you
Hire an angry pitbull lawyer.
Hire a forensic accountant.
Others role:
Angry pitbull lawyer – all communications go through them. show the texts/ emails and whatever evidence you have.
Forensic Accountant – find out where the money went or is going.
Escape Plan:
I loved the idea of offering him a paid for holiday so that he can find himself. (Maybe he can take Auntie with him ?)
From here on, you want to keep him off balance,
Gather your children and valuables and run to the escape pod. Strap yourslves in and, 3-2-1 EJECT !
Guaranteed when he gets back from his holiday and finds you’re gone, he will flip to rage channel.
Let him simmer in No Contact for a week or two. I’m sure the volume of phone / text / email abuse will escalate.
At that stage, let your angry pitbull lawyer introduce themselves, and suggest that all commmunication goes through them
for the indefinite future.
Keep your lawyer and accountant in your huddle and don’t let the BF know what’s going on.
(he’s kept you guessing for long enough, time for a bit of return serve of mindfuckery)
Meanwhile, you and your children can move on to a bright cheaterless future.
Ewwww, hitting on his bio aunt. I wanted to throw up when I read that. He thinks incest is ok. That’s one messed up and mentally sick person right there. A normal person would have been repulsed, literally disgusted at the thought of getting it on with his aunt. The fact that this guy thinks this is normal really makes me question his entire sanity. Who knows, maybe he’ll hit on his daughter once she’s older. This entire post made me sick to my stomach. He should have never had children, as he may molest them one day. Hey, it doesn’t matter if they’re family, there are no limits to incest. DISGUSTING.
Megan, I hurt for you in so many ways. I did not read any of the comments yet but just wanted to tell you I am so sorry this has happened to you. Get rid of the bastard at all costs. And it will cost you plenty….
Megan, are you and your daughters safe?
You and your girls are priority!!!
Will you please give us an update?
I replied, if you want to see. Thank you for your concern. I actually have two sons and one 14 month-old daughter. We’re all safe at my parents’ home.
Meghan,
I hope for your sake that you persevere and go after this creep strong. If you don’t, he will make you regret going easy on him later. Hopefully those incest texts will be enough evidence for you to get him supervised visitation with the children and nothing more generous than that, ever. He doesn’t deserve the chance to mess them up too. Get no contact, restraining orders if you can and get no contact with the children if possible. Someone like that IS dangerous to the children. No point in having to share time with a sicko like that. Expose him for what he is. I had a friend who wasn’t sure how sick her husband was but he had similar behavior as yours. He wound up in prison for having sex with a girl the same age as his 13 year old daughter. She took his conviction record to the family court to sever all ties between him and the children and they are much safer now. I don’t normally tell mothers to keep the children away from their father unless there is a serious safety concern, so please understand in your case, there is a serious safety concern. You have a dangerous person in your relationship and need to do as CL advises and use the state and a lawyer to build very thick walls between you, your children and him. Include his incestuous family on the far side of that medieval wall too while you are at it because those kinds of problems have disturbingly deep roots. It will hurt, it will be hard, it will take everything you have and more. It will be worth it.
I want to thank everyone for their input. I was having a hard time and couldn’t quite give y’all a response that I was proud of yet. I can now, though. I’ve moved the kids and me in with my parents and making real progress. It’s been such a nightmare. I had told his Mother what he had done because I thought she was safe and she was until she wasn’t. While I was taking the “baby steps” you all warned against, I got an email from his ex-wife saying he was messaging her 19 year-old daughter and needed to stop or else she would get a protective order. The message didn’t say anything inappropriate, exactly, but the whole thing is obviously inappropriate. I took the opportunity to ask the ex-wife if he had ever been violent with her and got the answer you’d expect. I immediately took the kids and moved in with my parents but made the huge mistake of telling his Mother, because I thought she could verify if that was true and I thought she needed to help her messed up son. Now his family has rallied around him as if he’s the victim. I went to get things from our home while they were there so I wouldn’t have to be alone with him and they got in my face and screamed at me that I was selfish and intent on making him look bad… that I needed to get over it and stop making everything about me… and that if I’m such a drama queen that I can’t cohabitate with him until he saves money to leave that I need to stay with my parents, continue to pay for our house, because he’s a grown man who “shouldn’t be forced to stay with his mom.” I’m mortified and heartbroken. I feel so ashamed. I trusted his family more than my own and told them everything when I should’ve been protecting myself. He egged them on and joined in. I’ve been crying for days. I can’t believe this is happening when I was sincerely trying to do the right and kind thing every step of the way. I know that part should be the least of my worries but it hurts. Thank y’all for listening.
I want to thank everyone for their responses. I was having a hard time and couldn’t quite give y’all an answer I could feel good about, until now. I’ve moved the kids and me in with my parents and making progress. It’s been such a nightmare. I had told his Mother what he had done because I thought she was safe and she was until she wasn’t. While I was taking the “baby steps” you all warned against, I got an email from his ex-wife saying he was messaging her 19 year-old daughter and needed to stop or else she would get a protective order. The message didn’t say anything inappropriate, exactly, but the whole thing is obviously inappropriate. I gave him a chance to tell me about it and lied to my face. I took the opportunity to ask the ex-wife if he had ever been violent with her and got the answer you’d expect from an abusive pathological liar. I immediately took the kids and moved in with my parents but made the huge mistake of telling his Mother, because I thought she could verify if that was true and I thought she needed to help her messed up son. She asked what she could do to help and I told her she could encourage him to move out of our house so I could move the kids and I back in, pay child support, and stop being so cruel and combative and just cooperate with me. Now his family has rallied around him as if he’s the victim. I went to get things from our home while they were there so I wouldn’t have to be alone with him and they got in my face and screamed at me that I was selfish and intent on making him look bad… that I needed to get over it and stop making everything about me… and that if I’m such a drama queen that I can’t cohabitate with him until he saves money to leave that I need to stay with my parents, continue to pay for our house, because he’s a grown man who “shouldn’t be forced to stay with his mom.” I’m mortified and heartbroken. I feel so ashamed. I trusted his family more than my own and told them everything when I should’ve been protecting myself. He egged them on and joined in. I’ve been crying for days. I can’t believe this is happening when I was sincerely trying to do the right and kind thing every step of the way. I know that part should be the least of my worries but it hurts. Thank y’all for listening.
Sorry! I didn’t realize I hadn’t “stopped” the first submission and didn’t mean to post twice. The second one is what I meant to post.
Sorry for being such an Amateur Chump – The responses from “megleigh” are me, Megan, fyi. I’ll get the hang of this someday!