Hi guys, while I’m in Australia, I’m running some guest posts. This one is from UXWorld, where he UBTs a particularly sad sausage missive from his cheating ex-wife. Enjoy! — Tracy
The last time I saw you were we still married. Then instantly we weren’t. We, with the word of the judge, became strangers in a courtroom. As we are now strangers, there are a few things I things I think it’s important for me to say to you.”
UBT: I know you’re confused about why our 15-year marriage is no more. You’ve never really understood that my emotions and my reactions to them — things that happen in an instant — are far more important than serious introspection. So let me set you straight on a few things, maybe it will help dull the pain of losing me.
“First, I am sorry. I am sorry that we promised ‘forever’ to each other when we had no concept of what ‘forever’ meant. If there is fault in that promise, we both have that burden -— how can we blame each other for what we could never have possibly understood then? We were naive, we were clueless, we were still growing when we made our vows. We did not know that we would grow apart.”
UBT: Allow me to speak on your behalf, because my ability to read your mind is what made it so easy to convince myself that I could deceive you so effortlessly. First and foremost, you must understand that none of this is my fault. I was 28 when we married, which is not NEARLY old enough to understand what the word ‘commitment’ means. And you were 36 — a mere pup, obviously giddy with the prospect of spending your life with me. So let’s just accept the fact that neither one of us really knew what we were saying to each other that day in front of witnesses. It’ll make life far easier for everyone.
“But thank you, anyway. Thank you for giving me a ring and lending me your last name. Thank you for teaching me about resiliency and patience. Thank you for the many happy years we had, the whirlwind experiences, the small gratitudes, the laughter.”
UBT: Thank you for giving me things. That’s exactly what I always required — for you to give me what I needed at the precise moment I needed it. Much like an infant requires of a parent — which, when you think about it, sums up our relationship nicely. By the way, I sold the ring you gave me and was disappointed in how much I got for it, but it made for a nice down payment on the vibrating purple dildo I now use on RPD. I got whatever mileage I could out of your last name, but since it was only a loaner, I now give it back to you with irreparable damage. And while you obviously failed miserably at teaching me about resiliency and patience, I’ll do you the courtesy of thanking you for trying.
“Thank you for our two beautiful daughters that often look and laugh like you. They are the best gift anyone has ever given me, and I will always know that without you, these amazing human beings would not exist, nor be the lovely creatures they are.”
UBT: Continuing with the theme of you giving me things. But make no mistake, those beautiful girls are MINE. I’m their mother. You were a peripheral influence in their lives at best. While they may look and laugh like you at times, they are MY lovely creatures — very much like pets who give me well-deserved unconditional love — who would not exist had I not allowed you to sire them.
“Thank you for being brave enough to fight for me. And for being tired enough to let me go, when I told you I needed to go.”
UBT: The pick-me dance was truly fabulous while it lasted. I had SUCH fun. And thank you for getting worn down to the emotional nub by my deceptive double-talk and egregious behavior, to the point where you couldn’t take it anymore. I never actually said the words “I need to go” — that would have been mature, honest, and not at all fun for me — but I gave you every clue in the world as to my actual motives. If you were naive enough to believe to my words of false assurance instead of my abusive behavior, that too is not my fault.
“While I know our Divorce Agreement spells out the visitation schedule and parenting times and who pays for the kids braces, there are a few areas left undefined. Every time I see you, there are questions lingering in the air, questions far too awkward and inappropriate even for me to ask.”
UBT: I will now commence with the emotional manipulation I enjoy so much.
“Some of them will only make us both sad. They will take us back to the softer places, the times when we woke up in bed beside each other, smiling. Like, do you remember those first few nights at home with (E the Elder), when we just sat there and marveled over her tiny hands, the miniature fingernails that somehow, magically we created together? Do you hear our wedding song on your phone now and skip ahead hurriedly, or do you sit for just a minute and remember practicing our wedding dance in the kitchen of our first apartment? Or did you delete that song once and for all–afraid that hearing it would only take you back to a page in a book you closed forever?”
UBT: You should remember only the things that make you pine for the person I pretended to be for so long. These and other examples should serve as a reminder of my general awesomeness as a partner. Now, none of these wonderful memories ever entered my mind when I was planning my escapades with the Carrot Singer, nor kept me from bringing him into our house, into our bed, on more than once occasion while you were at work. But see, I can compartmentalize. You can’t. So keep them in the forefront of your mind, and everything will be rosy.
“And sometimes I wonder about what your life is like now. Do you love someone? Does someone love you? Is she good to you? Make you happy?”
UBT: I have no serious interest in these questions. Rather, I want YOU to ask these questions about ME — out loud, if at all possible. I get turned on at the thought of you sitting around mulling these over in your head.
“Has your new love made you question whether you loved me at all, whether you even knew what love was when you gave it to me?”
UBT: I am now convinced I never loved you at all, nor even knew what love was. Funny how that just happens, isn’t it? In truth, I still don’t know what real love is. I’m too busy enjoying the sparklies of my new life with RPD to invest in understanding love. Maybe someday you will cheat on someone and have the same type of epiphany. Or not, whatever.
“Then, there are questions about how we exist in our new space. When is it okay to hug you? At (M the Younger)’s shows or when (E The Elder) places at a gymnastics meet, when they graduate from high school? College? Get married? When a parent dies and I see you at the funeral? Should I touch your hand and say or receive kind words? Or should I just nod and turn away?”
UBT: I am committed to remaining central in your life and to taking advantage of every opportunity to convince the world that our split is just like it’s portrayed in the movies — a bit awkward but generally congenial, without a trace of the toxicity that caused the split in the first place. I don’t care if this isn’t what you want. It’s what I require, in order to maintain the image I’m trying so hard to project.
“Everything has changed and that is the way it has to be. We aren’t Facebook friends, we don’t even talk on the telephone. Instead we message on OFW. I type ‘thank you’ and you send back a cursory ‘you’re welcome’, like we are just business associates with no past history.
Like strangers in the courtroom.”
UBT: See what I did there? I circled back to the “strangers in a courtroom’ thing I started with. After 23 years, I’m finally putting some of my useless English undergrad degree to use. See how I’m growing? And my writer boyfriend gave me some extra kibbles by telling me how effective that literary strategy was. (He had a funny look on his face when he said it, but I’m sure that’s just anticipation for the rim job I promised to give him later on.)
“Finally, I want to tell you that while I at times get frustrated, I am not angry. I learned how to forgive someone from whom I will never hear ‘I’m sorry,’ despite my having said those words to him. I learned how to tie it to a balloon and to let it all go. But I know you are angry still. I can see it in the way you twist up your mouth when you see me.”
UBT: I detest you for your anger towards me and for never taking responsibility for your role in making me cheat. You never said that you were sorry for that, which is unforgivable. But I have secured a lifetime supply of balloons and helium just for that purpose. And I can only assume you walk around all day with that twisted mouth, for it surely does not kick in only when you see me.
“My last wish for you, is peace of mind, and peace of heart. You truly deserve both.”
UBT: You were acceptable collateral damage in my quest to be “the person I was always meant to be.” Once you accept that, you’ll be able to move on and find some contentment. Maybe then, you’ll be finally be able to both give up on this disrespectful no contact/gray rock thing of yours, and treat me with the deference to which I am accustomed. I truly deserve both.
With Fondest Regards,