Dear Chump Lady,
I need to vent. I have no one to talk to and I feel trapped. I can’t talk to friends or family because he’s a decent father but not so much as a husband.
So…about 7 years ago I found out my husband went to those “happy ending” massage places for about 2 years. He got offended but he promised not to do it again. I was upset about the whole thing but mainly the lies and the cover ups, etc…but I sort of got over it. (You forgive but somehow it’s hard to forget.)
Last week, I found out he had/has (who knows) been texting a single girl for the past 2 months. I found out accidentally when I saw his phone with a girl named “Jo Work.” I asked him numerous time who is this Jo person. He adamantly said it’s a guy from work that he goes on bike rides with. But I asked him again and again and he finally admitted that it was a (single) girl he met at a bar. They went out a few times with other people that they are now created a club for it. I asked to look at his text that they have one on one but he (conveniently) deleted. He said she meant nothing but then then admitted that she texted first and asked how his day was and small “chit chat”. Then admitted she’s voluptuous and has sizable chest and curve.
There’s no remorse and he’s telling me that I’m stuck in this black hole and believe what I wanted to believe. He turned it all around and said he’s working for our family (I’m a stay at home mom). His work is stressful. He’s a good father, etc…but no remorse with what he did.
Obviously I’m hurt, really hurt and feeling trapped. We have 2 kids, young kids and I love them dearly. I feel trapped and now not trusting anyone anymore. I already feel insecure (who isn’t?), my confidence, self worth, etc…all gone. When I was younger I got my heart broken numerous times but nothing like this. I always told myself that when these guys hurt me they didn’t deserve my tears and me. But I love my husband, I gave it all, I put my wall down and I let myself feel loved and I told myself he’s different.
I thought our marriage is invincible. I thought he will love and respect me and will not hurt me…not like this. We’re better than this trash. And I’m now feeling like I’m stuck in this trash.
I hope your husband falls off his “bike.”
Maybe you should remind him to wear a helmet next time he’s out. Christ on a cracker… how original. Bike club.
Anyway, I’m sorry you find yourself in the chump club. You’ve come to the right place. Lots of people have been similarly trapped and escaped. You can too. It’s just going to take a lot of mettle and a big rethink about what your relationship is. You’re going to grieve the future you thought you and your kids had, the future you invested heavily in — but you’re going to get a new future. And believe me, it’s going to be a LOT better than playing marriage police to a fuckwit.
That’s where you are now. I’m sure he’s expecting the same forgiveness you conferred on his little happy ending adventures. He’s balls deep in cake and loving it. Who are you to say no to his entitlement when you’ve got two small children and are economically dependent on him?
He turned it all around and said he’s working for our family (I’m a stay at home mom). His work is stressful. He’s a good father, etc…but no remorse with what he did.
Oh yeah, he’s a real hard worker, what with hanging out in bars and picking up women. Tote that bale! Lift that barge!
The poor peanut with his stressful job. Does he need some impoverished Asian immigrant to wank him off? Perhaps he should have a lie down. On a train track somewhere.
Trapped — he wants you trapped.
Think about that for a moment — all this despair and pain you’re feeling? It’s exactly where he wants you. Of course, he would’ve preferred it if you’d never found out, then his entitlement could go on unquestioned — but that STUCK thing? That’s working for him. It keeps him in cake. He gets his faithful devoted wife appliance, raising his children, giving him the facade of normalcy, and he gets single life — picking up “bikers” in bars. Oh, and when all that is just too much, he’s a john hiring hookers. (Let’s just call it what it is, okay? That’s a massage and I’m a jelly donut.)
He’s perfectly okay with YOUR utter and total investment in him, but his investment in you and in HIS CHILDREN, deserves EXTRA perks and privileges and expenses. Costs that he decides upon UNILATERALLY at great emotional, physical, and financial expense to YOU.
Are you okay with that? Is this relationship acceptable to you? Do you feel safe? Cherished? Respected?
Then what are YOU going to do about it?
I’m sorry. I know I’m leaving him out of this equation, but there is no HIM here to work with. We don’t control fuckwits. We only control how we respond to fuckwits. He’s not sorry (he’ll fake that after you get upppity, just watch.) All this ugly is WHO HE IS. I’m sorry you invested in it, and I’m sorry you love him. Your love is unrequited. People who love you don’t do this. They don’t trap you and trade on your vulnerability for orgasms.
So, here’s a plan. The rest of Chump Nation will chime in too.
1.) See a lawyer. Do not tell him, JUST DO IT. Find out exactly what escape looks like and what you’re entitled to in alimony and child support. Get all your financials together.
2.) Make an independence plan. Consider going back to school, retraining for a profession, picking up whatever profession you had before babies. I know this isn’t what you bargained for, single parenthood, but what you are living right now is far worse that what you imagine single parenthood is.
Fact is, he could abandon you at any time. You should see my mail. These fuckers walk out on SAHMs and children every day. Get in front of this. YOU call the tune. YOU captain your ship.
3.) Don’t get lost planning and analyzing. This is a CRISIS. Act like it. Do everything in your power to protect yourself NOW — STD check, see a lawyer, protect your money — emotional understanding will come later. Probably much later. The important thing now is to protect yourself from further harm.
4.) Don’t model this shit to your children. It’s not okay to treat people this way. Don’t accept it. Don’t model it. He’s not a “good father.” He’s a paycheck with a wandering dick. Good fathers exist, there are plenty of them on this board. Don’t confuse your investment and who you thought he was with ACTUAL good men. He’s not a good man. There’s a difference. Learn the difference.
5.) Get support. You haven’t told anyone. Change that. Get a therapist. Tell your BFF. Tell your family. The weight of this kind of secret and stress can kill a person. I’m not exaggerating. Please, for your mental health and your kids, get some help. I’m sending you a big long distance ((((HUG))). You can DO THIS.
I’m glad you found us. You’re not trapped. You’re free, because now you know who he really is. You’re only trapped if you choose to stay trapped. Please escape.