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Dear Chump Lady, My husband got engaged

Dear Chump Lady,

My husband got engaged. (This statement does not contain a typo, although even a search engine tried to get me to add “ex” to the topic prior to displaying the full results as apparently even the internet knows that this isn’t appropriate behavior). We are still married. Last night, he posted on social media the news of his proposal to another woman and is rapidly collecting many “likes” from people who either do not realize he already has a wife, or I guess they are just as morally bankrupt as my husband and his new fiancé.

How do I fully comprehend that THEY suck when I feel like I’m the biggest sucker of all? How worthless am I that my husband feels at ease to make a public announcement about his plans to spend the rest of his life with someone else even though we are not divorced? This has taken his devaluing and discard of me to a whole new pitiful level.

What will he and his next bride say when asked about their wedding date? (Legally, it is going to have to take place after our divorce is final and that is nowhere on the immediate horizon). Perhaps I should send a congratulatory message welcoming my soon-to-be “sister wife” to our family. (We are not polygamists by the way!)

Being “ghosted” and immediately replaced after D-Day had already decimated my self-esteem. Every time I think I’ve seen the worst in him, he ups the ante again. I can’t believe I wasted 25 years of my life with someone who has absolute zero regard for me. I know I’m not supposed to try to untangle the skein of what OW is thinking, but who accepts a marriage proposal from someone who is still married to another person? (She is well aware of his marital status and has known all along even when she first f**cked my husband in our bed after creeping out of her former fiancé’s bed after about an hour or so after having sex with him!)

Not sure where I’m going with this, but I really need to vent. I found CN when searching for some sort of help on how to recover from spousal abandonment. Very little out there relates to my situation and I’m struggling to cope.

Still I Rise

Dear Still I Rise,

You know, my old divorce lawyer had a term for this phenomena — he called it “repeat business.”

Only really special fuckwits get engaged while they’re still married. In fact, I believe Macy’s has a special registry for them full of subpoenas and scarlet letters (monogrammed tea towels! china cups! soup ladles!)

And think of the wedding cakes! They could have a cake topper of wife, groom, wife. Or make a giant cake as Meta cake. Boy, I’m so proud to live in a country where straight-married-to-other-people people can stroll into a Christian bakery and order a three-tiered confection for their adulterous wedding adventure, and gay people cannot. (Hey, it’s nothing personal, gay people, it’s Jesus.)

What a quality couple! I can see how everyone wants to bless them with their Facebook likes. As long as they’re taking the social media temperature, why not upload a picture of the stained bedsheets after they fucked in your bed? Is there an emoji for that?

Gah.

I’m sorry Still I Rise. I share your revulsion, but we live in a disposable society. (Look! Shiny thing! Faster consumerist! More! More!) Is the old wife worn out? Get a new one! And you don’t even have to divorce her properly to make way for the Shiny New, just stuff her in the back of the garage with that Bow-Flex you never use anymore.

How do I fully comprehend that THEY suck when I feel like I’m the biggest sucker of all?

By staying true to your values. You’re not a sucker, you were committed. You have nothing to be ashamed of. At this point, what’s embarrassing is spending five more seconds of your life with such  fuckwit. I hope you have a very good attorney and you can leverage your husband’s desire to remarry into a good settlement.

You can also stay off social media and go strictly no contact. You don’t need to see how many people upclick this unholy union. He SUCKS. Trust it.

How worthless am I that my husband feels at ease to make a public announcement about his plans to spend the rest of his life with someone else even though we are not divorced?

YOU are not worthless. Why are you taking that on? Why are you letting this idiot determine your worth? Do you respect his decision to cheat and abandon? Is this fuckwit your lodestar?

Surely you must see that he looks like an IDIOT. People are probably snarking behind his back (and probably liking his posts at the same time). Announcing your engagement before you’re divorced is tantamount to pronouncing: “I Fucked Around On My Wife With This New Person I’d Like To Make My Wife.” It’s declaring that you’re kind of dim on monogamy, but hey let’s have a party! They might fuck this up too, but hey, some cash and monogrammed tea towels would be nice.

What will he and his next bride say when asked about their wedding date?

Something stupid. Not your problem, because you’re really engrossed in that fuckwit-free life you’re living.

Perhaps I should send a congratulatory message welcoming my soon-to-be “sister wife” to our family.

Tempting. Maybe you could get a dozen of your friends to dress as handmaids and crash the wedding.

(Not really. We’re about meh here.)

Who accepts a marriage proposal from someone who is still married to another person?

A really fucked up, amoral person who is desperate to believe she’s special. So desperate, that she’ll commit her life to someone capable of casual abandonment. There aren’t enough ice swan sculptures to make that shit pretty.

Still, it doesn’t matter what kind of person she is — it matters what kind of person YOU are. If a fuckwit wants to devalue you? LET THEM. I know it’s shattering. I know it hurts like a motherfucker. I know rebuilding is hard and unjust — but like your name, RISE UP. These freaks are not worthy of you.

Maybe you’re going to have to fake it for awhile, but live as if you know your worth. Don’t live under some cloud of rejection. They aren’t that powerful.

Here’s an engraved invitation to the rest of your life. Please RSVP yes.

****

The cartoon is from Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, and is copyrighted.

****

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  • Dear Still I Rise,
    Live up to your fabulous name, Still I Rise. And if you want sister wives who aren’t asswipes, look to CN. My situation was similar to yours (except we had a common law marriage, shared a rental and a biz). I still get flashback memories of his brutality, selfishness and greed. Escaping that total and absolute shit is GOOD. You’ll realize. You’ll heal. Just continue to rise, girlfriend, rise. <3.

    • Still Rise,

      Welcome to the club of “hey, I thought WE were married! How can you get engaged or be “in a relationship” while we are still married?

      How come I did not know you were dating, before the world (via social media) knew you had “found the love of your life”???!! After a 35 year marriage & 3 kids, with me?? Ouch.

      Believe me, that hurt. And it embarrassed and hurt our children. Most people had no idea we had separated. Many of them reached out to me, horrified. The “no empathy” idiot still cannot see how they felt. If HE says HE is happy, what’s the problem??

      OH and the week before he left, I had been hospitalized out of town for a sudden neurological event that left me (temporarily) cognitively impaired. He did not fly out to retrieve me until my neurologist informed him that I could not travel alone. He was “busy” on the tundra, which I did not know, of course.
      Class act, DOCTOR!

      My X married the OW last month, just before Mother’s Day. It saddened me some, to add to the discard.

      But I am far enough down the road towards Meh, that the first thing I said when I heard that, was “what an idiot.” Only a fool would cheat, date quickly or commit to a new person after a long marriage, BEFORE working on themselves to figure out their role in the divorce. Like years of dishonesty, cheating and treating your spouse with contempt and your children as “less than” worthy of your time.

      He did NOT invite our children to his wedding. (I’m 100% certain that is because he cannot take the chance our children would say something that contradicts his distortion of our marriage. Can’t take THAT chance.)

      Instead, he sent a manifesto to them with HIS TERMS for them to have a “good relationship going forward”, to include

      1) Not bringing up the past, 2) Treating him AND his new wife and HER daughter, with “respect”,

      OR he is “Done” with them. And besides, per X, his new family “have been through a lot.”

      If X had an empathy chip at all, for them or me, he’d have wondered how the last 18 months have been for OUR children, but since he has not seen them or talked to them meaningfully, in all that time, he does not know.

      Or care enough to ask. OR fears the answer…but it freed me to depersonalize his choices b/c the manifesto is so nutty and dishonest, sent to “witnesses” who KNOW it’s false, that it reassured me HE is crazy, I’m not.

      My X has lost the 4 people who loved him the most, and all our shared history, burying 3 parents, getting thru college, law school, medical school, both serving in the military, and having 3 children. Oh, and whatever integrity he once may have had. And now he’s an atheist. (It shows.)

      The cognitive dissonance in that man, may not bother him. Hard to believe it does not wear on you in some way, to live a double life. He hid income with the help of his boss, so literally his whole life on the tundra is based on lies.

      Mine isn’t.

      When people learn that your husband is “still married”, they may also listen to the smear campaign he will use to justify his decisions. Trust me, you will have to shed that like a duck does water.

      I’ve learned that for the most part, overwhelmingly, those who knew US as a couple, or learn that he was still married while openly announcing an engagement do NOT see his behavior the way he believes they do, no matter how many “likes” he gets. Several of our mutual friends, some of whom were his first, have reached out to me privately, in horror.

      Let his choices speak for themselves.

      Sorry that sometimes we watch people we once deeply loved and thought we knew, drive the family car across a corn field and then off a cliff.

      I see my Wasband as I now see Hawaii. Once upon a time it was where I wanted to be, comfortable and lush.

      Now, it’s spewing lava and I have to run away (Go No Contact) or I’ll get burned.

      I suggest you consider that and reprogram your brain as I have been doing. It does get better.

      • My goodness. What is this world coming to? That’s just scary as hell.

        I was going to snark, and say “Let us know how that mess unravels,” but after reading the whole thing, I’m sobered, and alarmed, for the families of our country. What the hell is happening? It’s like all over the US, spouses drank the Kool-aid and went berserk. Lot their freaking minds.

        • Trust me, it is not just the US, we are just better at airing our dirty laundry than other countries. Society has changed and social media, the media and television glorifying cheating and cheaters is the norm. Hopefully with CN the narrative will change, but this has been going on around the world for a long time. The internet has made it more convenient for it all to take place.

      • What trashy spouses!

        My boyfriend, upon discarding me the last time. sent me an email stating that he was not going to ‘talk to me right now’ (haven’t heard a peep out of him in seven months, although he was supposedly my friend for 30 years) as he ‘didn’t want to dwell on the past’ (I think a euphemism for, ‘I don’t want to be held accountable for my transgressions as that’s uncomfortable (I feel cognitive dissonance as ai behave shakily but want to believe that I’m a Good Guy), and I’m off to Good Times with my high-earning childless work subordinate!) the one good thing about him blocking me from his life is there is one less male in my life lying to me and insulting me.i think that I am finally starting to feel not so much that I love/miss/hate him and more I just don’t like the guy. The not liking the guy makes me feel less envious/jealous although ai still realize that he is ‘doing’ much better than I am–he’s got a high-paying executive job, house in an expensive neighborhood in a beach city, loved by many, including my replacement, his work subordinate, time to relax as he is well-established in his 25-year career and has no kids. I am really struggling but perhaps this just plain dislike of him is sign of progress toward Meh.

      • being an atheist has nothing to do with this awful person’s behaviour. I think the god-botherers have got the market cornered on hypocrisy, lying, adultery and cheating.

      • It’s not society, fb or TV who let’s all this in the air. It’s the capacity to think for yourself! Many ppl are Normies, they believe what they hear. Of course, some are naive and not gone through life.
        What Chump Lady does is more than changing the nararive. She is teaching us to think, to look under the “oh so pretty words” Thinking is a skill very few have. I now look under the words and let me tell you, some ppl are damn ugly under a pretty face.

      • I am so sorry all this happened to you.

        But I’m a little offended about the insinuation that all atheists are bad people. I’m an atheist who was cheated on four times by a god-fearing Baptist, while I remained faithful at home with our two kids.

        Cheaters come in all sizes, shapes and religions, as do chumps.

        Thanks for rethinking your religious generalities.

      • “And now he’s an atheist. (It shows.)”

        No, stop that. I’m an atheist, and was a good husband, though a very chumpy one obviously because I’m here.

    • Still I Rise: 6 weeks after suddenly abandoning me and our 1 and 2 year old babies and moving 2,000 miles away, he was not only engaged, he got a 6 inch long tattoo of her name emblazoned across his NECK. Yes, his neck. She got a matching one with his name. Excuse me, won’t you? I’m gonna go vomit in the corner.

      Like Litchik said, ‘Escaping that total and absolute shit is GOOD. You’ll realize. You’ll heal.’ This seems obvious to those of us a bit farther down the road, but I’d bet you feel much as I did when I was ghosted with 2 small babies: nothing is ever going to be OK again. That was my inner mantra for a year, no matter what anyone said to me. It nearly crushed my soul, but here’s the thing: it was a lie. I told myself this lie because I couldn’t perceive that healing could EVER take place. The pain was just too big. It was so all-encompassing and it touched every part of my life. I have learned since then that time does something that nothing else can do. It gives your psyche time to re-frame and process his actions using logic and reasoning, not purely emotion. It’s not as though anything he did becomes OK with you just because time passed, but rather there’s an acclimation, processing, and grieving of an injustice that was foisted upon you.

      The world is filled with injustices, big and small, but this one is yours. It matters. When processing it, it doesn’t matter comparatively if others have bigger or smaller injustices than you – this is not the pain-olympics. (I forget who called it that). What matters is that you accept, cope with, and come to terms with the one YOU have been handed. From that, you will forge who you are. Ideally, a new person emerges with some solid boundaries, rock solid moral defenses for things that are unacceptable to you, and the measured voice with which to defend your position that, no, these things are totally unacceptable and I didn’t cause them and no, emotionally normal people just DO NOT DO WHAT HE DID.

      And, with the help of some sound-ass logic like the type Chump Lady throws down, your healing will be accelerated. Keep coming here and grazing on the logic fields found in the posts and the comments. You are SO LUCKY to have found it so early on.

      And I had the same experience – I couldn’t find many sites that addressed sudden abandonment and remarriage, but I did find some that were especially helpful. I learned about Wife Abandonment Syndrome (yes, that’s a real thing) and PISD (Ha! Nice acronym) for Post Infidelity Stress Disorder, which I was a poster child for (I was a mess). I also wrote my own blog detailing exactly what happened (written in the anonymous) to help others who were ghosted and immediately replaced. Click my name on this post to read my story, it may help you realize there are more of us than you think.

      Best to you, Still I Rise!

      • Yes it’s RAMPANT now in Canada but you cannot remarry here without a divorce and you must prove it!🇨🇦

      • Honeyandthehomewrecker you are fucking hilarious. Six-inch neck tatoos? They better hope that works out or turtlenecks for life. Love your blog.

      • Beautiful post and beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your wonderful perspective about your pain and your process.

        I was interested to learn in my (still ongoing) recovery process that moving super quickly in a new relationship is a red flag for abusers. That new lady only has pain headed her way, as I’m sure you know.

        • AGREED, my ex Narc moves at the speed of light also and agreed all the new woman has to look forward to is PAIN!😩

          • Carol, moving at the speed of light is part of the lovebombing phase that narcissists are known for. I read some of Honey’s ‘love letters’ to his AP and not only were they obsessive, the sheer quantity was disturbing. Yes, the AP’s take this as a sign of ‘being special and different’, but for me it’s a red flag of the disordered big time now. You’re right, your ex’s new woman likely doesn’t have a clue about the pain that’s headed her way…

      • Honey,
        Incredibly well-said! I, too, thought for many months that I could never feel OK; much less good, ever again at last discard. I can’t say that I feel great and powerful (I don’t), but I think that I am starting to feel that there may be a possibility of me feeling OK someday, even if I still miss my last boyfriend/the facade of my boyfriend. He was good in some ways. but underneath it all, he often, in many ways, sucked, and will continue to suck in some ways because he can’t change some things and may continue to suck in on other ways as permanently. significantly changing is hard and doesn’t happen unless somebody thinks that he should and really wants to for a long time.

  • Good advice. The most important thing right now since your divorce is just underway apparently. Get the best divorce attorney you can! Very important! You say you are married 25 years so there is much you are entitled to and don’t back down! He may not really be aware or paying attention now but he will soon find out. He may want to try to play nice to manipulate or trick you! Don’t fall for it and don’t play his games. Now gather up any and all financial documents you can find and write down all of the places he has worked in your marriage for retirement accounts 401 k and anything else. You were married for the time you are entitled to half. Get the best divorce lawyer you can find.

    • I second the above!

      Get a barracuda or shark or bulldog for a lawyer TODAY! Beg or borrow the retainer fee but do this. Your is a long term marriage and you need to get educated about your rights. Trust that you will have a future and will need whatever your lawyers can get for you.

      Yes, you should get off of social media but only after you capture screen shots of everything that would show your partners lifestyle. Vacation photos? New clothing in photos? Capture everything because it will be useful. Ask that bullgod lawyer what will help them.

      Dig. Find every bank/credit statement you can, copy and keep it all on a stick or print it all and keep it at a trusted friend’s house. Go thru old emails and card that may say what a great partner/parent you are. My case was made by an old email saying that I kept the family together and was responsible for everyone’s success – who knew?!?!

      Put every emotion you have into your anger and use that to get the best divorce you can.

      Read old CL posts and scour the forums. You will find nuggets of advice that will help.

      Just trust that this will end and be good to yourself as you go through this long process. It sucks. It may be the hardest thing you will ever experience. Reach out to everyone that will support you and ask for help. Get therapy if needed. I needed a lot of help and I fought to get that help. Some days it was one minute at a time but I fought like a wild woman.

      Focus on the divorce and keeping yourself together. Right now, that’s all you have time and room for.

        • USE THAT FB POST IN COURT.
          Granted….marital misconduct is not considered in award…technically…but my judge gave me 60% of everything and alimony for 4 years because of his “engagement” Use his actions against him.

          • Exactly!!! And if he bought OW a ring, he used marital funds to do it. Make sure it goes “in his column”, so that you are not going halfsies with the divorce settlement. Gross.

        • Absolutely! Screen shot all that FB and other stuff. Nothing more satisfying than seeing a narc like this go down due to his hubris. Snares them every time.

          • I have a printed screen shot of “not my girlfriend” which says “In a Relationship”. I point blank asked her before D day (playing dumb) “So, who are you dating?’ She responded “Oh that is there because I am not interested in a relationship.” Yeah right.

      • Both of you are so wise. Thank you.

        To SIR, I know for new chumps it can seem materialistic to go for a good settlement, and perhaps that creeps into your mind at times. If it does, I would support the position that it’s about a lot more than materialism.

        You have given so much of your life and energy to the relationship. That is a really big deal. You were betrayed and abandoned by a person you expected and planned would participate in a huge joint life plan, and that has been ripped from your hands.

        Getting a fair and reasonable settlement is really more about setting up your life so you can be ok as you completely reset everything after a person (who doesn’t want to be fair to you) has set off a bomb in the middle of the foundation of all you held dear. It’s not greedy or misguided. It’s reasonable and practical and fair.

        While we are on the subject, those who have been married for a certain amount of time (I think it’s ten years, and only true, I think, if you don’t remarry…) receive Social Security death benefits for deceased spouses AND former spouses. Even the penny-pinching SS system believes that investing years of your life has a great deal of value. Just sayin’. 😉

        • This is so true.
          You may be healthy today but that is not a guarantee. This is a person who legally promised to take care of you in sickness and in health. All you’re asking the legal system to do is enforce that promise and give you the opportunity to rebuild a life, way past your youth, and give you some peace of mind.
          I got a great settlement (so grateful) but it doesn’t afford me the lifestyle I had or the lifestyle the ex and OW have. That’s fine with me and I am careful with my money.
          But ex is outraged and claims I’m a money grabber. Well, the court disagreed.
          Don’t let anyone make you feel like your asking for anything you didn’t earn!

          • Amen on collecting Social Security benefits if you qualify (62 yrs of age/10 year marriage requirement). I was unaware of it until I read about it HERE approximately 1.5 years ago. Otherwise, I doubt I would have ever known it was available to me.

            I immediately did my research and have been receiving Soc Sec benefits since shortly thereafter. Thanks to those payments and my limited monthly expenses, my bank account continues to grow. If not for CL, it would be the opposite.

            Just one more example of how CL/CN has improved my life!

            • My parents were married 25 years, dad was a serial cheater and my mom finally divorced him through lots of narc rage and tears on his part. He remarried the latest schmoopie who was very young at the time. He remained married to her for over 30 years and had 2 more kids with her (he was the ‘sane’ parent, ha ha) as it sounds like she was BPD and had boyfriends, tried to commit suicide a couple of times when he tried to leave, etc…

              Anyhow, when he died last summer the Owife tried to collect benefits but she’s too young. My mom has never remarried and she was able to get her Soc Sec benefit bumped up by about $400 a month to equal up to his. When his OWife reaches the eligibility age in about 10 years, she also will qualify for the same benefit apparently.

              • For Chumps with the ten years in – getting remarried prior to the age of 62 will disqualify you from collecting his/her SS. It works both ways.

                If your X dies you recieve his or her full benefit if it’s higher than your own.

              • I thought that the critical age for eligibility was 60–not that anyone is beating down my door to marry me–I guess that this is the silver lining of not getting any dates–a few hundred extra/month in the ‘golden years’…

          • Rebuild your life and secure your financial future while doing so. Did the ex care how enraged your were by the discard? Nope. Let him be enraged. Take care of yourself. You will not regret it.

      • ALL OF THIS.

        One of my dear friends once told me, “I never understood how people can be in love and then try to take each other to the cleaner’s. But take him to the cleaner’s.”

        I’ve known lots of women who’ve given up on WAY too much of what they could have gotten from a settlement in order to keep the peace, or to get it over and done with. I don’t think I’ve seen a single one who didn’t regret it. Your STBX isn’t your friend, and he isn’t going to start treating you decently if you roll over in court, no matter what he might tell you. And the fact that your divorce was over a month or two faster will be cold comfort when you’re barely making ends meet down the road.

        If you know any attorneys, ask them who they’d use if they were getting a divorce. Ask them to ask around, too. Go talk to the lawyers whose names come up the most. In addition, you don’t need the attorney who comes off as the most aggressive. (Mine seemed like a very affable, dad-like middle-aged man. Ex’s attorney was combative and clearly spoiling for a fight. Guess which one of us got EVERYTHING she wanted?) Sometimes, the stoic, unflappable attorney with the experience and the patience to wear down the other side is the better choice.

        Also, this is not the time to bargain-shop. Beg, borrow or steal your retainer. (OK, don’t really steal. But get it somehow.) The most expensive lawyer is not necessarily the best in town, but the best in town also isn’t going to be the cheapest.

    • I was married 25 years. Community property state. Because I ask for such a douche I had to take him all the way to a week long trial. I would’ve been happy with half. The judge saw right through his bullshit and I ended up with 70% of everything we own. I also brought to light the abandonment of our minor children and his erratic behavior and drug use. Rather than have a parenting and drug use evaluation, he gave up full custody. These are not “people” as we thought, x conned me. Once the mask was off it was terrifying.

  • Mine did the same thing but, trust me, get OFF social media; nothing good ever comes from it, just more pain. Please believe the mantra that CN is all about…TRUST THAT HE/SHE/THEY SUCK(S). That’s really all you need to know.

    • I do have to disagree a bit.

      When the OW went public about their relationship, I was able to use some of that info to prove their funds were co-mingled. I learned a legal concept about dollars being fungible. It allowed my lawyers to fight his claim about the amount of money he had.
      You can save a lot in legal fees if you can help gather info for your lawyers. It’s hard but if you can do the research without losing your mind it may help.
      As my lawyers said, no one knows your relationship or your soon to be ex like you do. That can be invaluable.

      • Back in my day, I had a trusted support person who was able to print it off for me periodically and stick it in an envelope, go through it to parse out what was important and draw attention to it, etc. That was important for many reasons, but the two best were (a) I didn’t have to peseverate on it and (b) I didn’t risk tipping him off that I knew, so he wouldn’t be enlightened to the risk of posting that stuff. I could see how this might be helpful for you, maybe.

      • I agree; social media can serve two purposes:

        1. documenting fuckwit behavior to allow a better settlement for the chump. Still I Rise–make sure you have a screen shot of that ‘engagement’ announcement (DATE stamped), saved in 3 different places.
        As Rebecca points out, any information you can get that the cheater is using marital funds to support the OW (downpayment on a dance hall for the wedding?) is money that you can recoup in court.

        2. Sometimes pain-shopping is the best way to emotionally detach. When you see the depths to which these cheaters will stoop, it is hard not to have utter contempt for them. “How could I have been married to that monster?”
        Realizing your partner/spouse is morally bankrupt also allows a chump to make sense of things from the past that had been confusing at the time; “Oh, that’s why Harold flew into a rage when I moved his phone from one table to the next, and why he added a passcode to his phone that day.”
        By the time I divorced Hannibal, I only knew of two affairs. Learning post-divorce about his Ashley Madison account, another serious affair, and his predatory behavior toward a graduate student he drummed out of the program allowed me to detach completely from him and any fondness that might have lingered.

        I’m very sorry, Still I Rise, this is a painful process–both to end your marriage and to realize how horrific your spouse really is.

        • Agree, Tempest… I just found out Mr. Sparkles was hacked as part of the Ashley Madison scandal of 2015… trust that they suck.

          • Sorry, ICanSeeTheMehComing, I know from personal experience that is a real gut punch. Even if you have no further affection for the fuckwit, knowing that they were deliberately and strategically trolling for sex while married to you leads to a re-examination of the whole relationship. It led me to retroactively consider the whole marriage as a sham–painful, but one more emotional leap away from the pathology. Hugs.

            • Sorry for kind chumps’ awful experiences. I hear what you’re saying Tempest. Knowing that my husband had been buying sex for years before and while we were married (often with our joint funds) killed any desire for him. Years later, he still hasn’t apologized, although he occasionally tells me that he has always been attracted to me and wants to move back in! I don’t respond to his ridiculous statements with, ‘Hiw do you expect me to just forget about or accept your behavior (abuse) over the years?’ He is completely delusional.

        • Still I Rise…. A friend of mine was able to show her ex’s vacation picture to Europ when he tried to get her alimony lowered. All off of fb. He didn’t win!!

        • Tempest, social media worked exactly the same way for me on items #1 and #2.

          I Still Rise, I feel the same way: how could a human being treat me this way? How could I be such a Chump? A friend of mine describes her healing process as “even forgetting what she liked in douche-bag in the beginning”.

        • Right on with number two Tempest. Filling in the blanks helped me detach. The recent tidbit I stumbled upon quire by accident shows him sunning at the beach in Fl, a week after my mother passed away. No balls, no brains, and best of all no future with a monster.

          • I am still using the Sam’s Club membership I had while married (his business pays the annual fee). He refused to help pay for the kids’ tuition and gave me a big long list of how he has no money to even eat once he pays his support payments. The same week he refused, I logged into the Sam’s Club account and saw that just 2 days after claiming he couldn’t even afford to eat, he bought himself a new TV and sound system for about $1,500.

            Just verifies (1) that he lies as easy as he breathes and (2) he is okay with leaving all responsibility for the kids (outside what is court mandated) to me. Not hard to trust he sucks. And when I start to forget it, the evidence of it isn’t hard to come across. And I never want to forget who he really is.

      • Great advice Rebecca!
        No stone should be left unturned to try to use this info to get a better settlement!
        As far as cake bakers go, who would think to ask “are you still married to someone else”?
        Wow these two sleezebags hit a new low!

  • OMG my ex is a ‘really special fuckwit’! But Schmoopie is even more special, she posted a verse from the Song of Solomon about waiting for her bridegroom, and a bridal bouquet of white roses leading up to their first fuckfest.

    This was way back, guys, when I was still looking at their FB pages, haven’t done that for years. But this post reminded me of that golden moment – and all the lovely people who ‘liked’ it, many of whom knew me…

  • I can only think what a complete and utter prick he looks posting that on FB! I wouldn’t be “hurt” by it I would laugh my ass off. And yes I would probably be tempted to make some comment about still being married to me but I know that’s not what you should do. Screw him (in the divorce – not literally)!

  • Same thing happened to me. Both married to other people when the fuckwits got engaged!
    It is very hard not to feel like you are not worthy. I’m still trying to get my head around that. Hoping one day I will.
    I live in a small town and have to hear how they plan on starting a family cause they have both found the “one “!!
    Forget the fact that my ex and I have four daughters !! Like

    • Worthiness is such a deep well. So is shame, which is closely related and which filled my soul at the time. I felt that my ex’s rejection was just a reflection of how I wasn’t good enough and that’s why the rejection was happening to me. So, that word, worthy, also jumped out at me in this letter and filled my heart with compassion and empathy.

      Though I was divorced well over ten years ago, I didn’t really start to break through into working on my worth until a few years ago. It remains a struggle, but embracing worthiness is also the one thing that seems to be healing the long-broken wounds. They are healing into battle scars, not repairs, but they are healing.

      Coming here to CL started that journey. Her empowering, smart, practical, reasonable, UBT-ruled advice rang true through the chaos inside my head and I will be forever grateful. Then Brene Brown’s very first TED talk and the Embrace documentary both gave me big pushes as well as a couple of therapists who were hard found and every bit as smart as our CL – accept nothing less, says me. I didn’t really know how to pick a strong therapist — or that it was even reasonable for me to choose the right person for me — until I had CL as a comparison point.

      Reading here and revisiting those resources are big go-tos for me when I need a shot in the arm again to remember — another person’s crappy behavior isn’t a statement about me, and I deserve to receive the good I give in the world. Any person who doesn’t see that doesn’t deserve the good I have to give.

      • Beautiful post, Amiisfree,
        as usual,
        YOU,
        are a shinning example of strength and endurance, to others!

        • Thank you AimiisFree. I have dwelled long enough on what I must have lacked.

          Today I found out my cousin who spent her life saving for retirement died unexpectedly after a two day illness. Another cousin is dying of stage 4 breast cancer. My brother died at sixty. Such loss and changing our perspective requires letting go of what others think and embracing ourselves. We have a tendency to beat ourselves up and alas the skank is disgusting. It was never about anything we lacked.

          Life is short.

  • I swear, every time I start to feel bad about myself and about my situation, all I have to do is come here and read Chump Lady’s uplifting words. Then I’m all good again.

    Just the mention of “ice swan sculptures”, that put a huge smile on my face. It’s so true. The OW really is that dim. Committing to a man that’s incapable of commitment. That’s punishment in itself.

  • Still I Rise , We know it is hard. I decided for my mental sanity to stop looking on socia media. I still have FB but I do not log in (over 6 months). Unless you want to collect evidence about financial irresponsibility or him not paying child support. Do not log in. Like we say here you will be “shopping for pain” that’s what both wants that you see. They can have a private account NO they want you to see. Plan B have a friend to print out evidence if any about travels or expensive things in case you need it for your divorce. EXPEDITE the divorce please & keep us post it! 💜

  • Relationship status “it’s complicated” doesn’t begin to cover it. FB needs more options, like “cheating asshole who’s dragging her feet in her divorce from me already has another sucker on the line and needs unearned kibbles stat,” which would have covered my now ex-wife’s engagement to one of her several AP’s. #TakeMyWifePlease

    • Everytime I hear “it’s complicated” I feel like puking. that’s what my xh FB account said, yeah, the one that i didn’t even know about. You see “it’s complicated” actually means “i’m a fucking liar who can’t keep up with all my lies”. My now xh also was ready to marry his soul mate even before he ever met her in person. You know it’s not really all that complicated other than I’m married and I’m a cheater, duh. My advise if you see someone with the status of “it’s complicated” on FB then run far and fast.

      • My asshole posted ‘it’s complicated’ 6 years ago when we split up, a day after he moved out. I took him back 6 weeks later. I was mortified at his insensitivity. Really it was just a slap down to me and a flag for the ex girlfriends from 20 years ago that he was ready to mingle. Should not have taken him back. I Could have spent the last 6 years doing me rather than more bullshit and ending up in the situation I am in now.
        Fuck social media. I’m a Luddite and am not on any, canned it all years ago and am much happier for it.

        • So true! The only person I’m ok with having “it’s complicated” on her profile is my 10th grade geometry teacher, who is a nun and is being cheeky.

      • ‘It’s complicated’ actually means ‘I’m a fucking liar who can’t keep up with all my lies.’ Definitely the best definition of ‘it’s complicated’ I have read in relation to cheaters.

    • nomar,
      “#TakeMyWifePlease”
      Thank you for the morning 😊

      The humour in CL’s responses to the day’s post topic, combined with the humour often poking out in Chump’s responding posts is like a gorilla glue, holding CN Chumps together, through thick and thin.
      Thank you CL, CN.

      No cheater ever takes away our power to be happy. That is a God given right, thank you please cheater! NOT.YOUR’S.TO.CLAIM.

    • nomar… thanks for the laughs! Awesome. I needed that! Boss Hogg’s real-world fb relationship status should be: “sad sausage/Eeyore refuses to divorce but never let that stop him from seeing others/occasional rage tantrums and long episodes of dead shark-eyes and primitive/adolescent communication skills”
      Whoo-hoo! I’l take the next exit off THAT road to Nowhere!

    • When I see “it’s complicated” for a person’s relationship status I translate that to “I’m a hot mess” and steer clear to avoid a brush fire

    • Haha, #Takemywifeplease

      The complications of being married can be simplified by saying, “I want a divorce.” He actually asked for his wedding band back. #Solditfucker

  • (She is well aware of his marital status and has known all along even when she first f**cked my husband in our bed after creeping out of her former fiancé’s bed after about an hour or so after having sex with him!)

    Water seeks it’s own level. This means that he had to fake being a decent person for decades. She doesn’t even try.

    You deserve better (chainsaw divorce lawyer) and they deserve one another (and checking the sheets for mystery stains every 8 hours or so).

    He sucks. You hurt but you will recover.

  • Every word is true. I was discarded in the same fashion after 24 years of marriage but it took 28 to get the signatures on the divorce papers. Prince Charming and Cinderella got married 1 year and 6 days after the divorce was final at Disney World because “Magic happens at the Magic Kingdom”. I had a number of people whom they invited to their reception tell me they promptly put the RSVP back in the mail with a big NO on it. They also asked me what kind of 57 year old fool marries a 35 year old at Disney World. I smile and say only the very best kind. Learn to love yourself. You aren’t the one people are talking about behind your back, you are the one who’s back they have. If they are truly great friends they will form a fence of protection around you so you can live your best life.

    • “You aren’t the one people are talking about behind your back, you are the one who’s back they have. If they are truly great friends they will form a fence of protection around you so you can live your best life.” Those two sentences just choked me up lldodd60. I have those friends and I am forever grateful that I do. They protected me from so much and held me up when I truly needed it. They’re also the ones that would help me plot ways to get back at him or his girlfriend. We never did any of the things we plotted because of the kids and me being the sane parent. But I still would have liked to have matted and framed his loveletter to his howorker and sent it to her as a wedding gift, in an 18 x 24 inch beautiful frame wrapped in luxurious wrapping paper when she married another man.

      Hang in there Still I Rise. You can get to meh. Stay here and read. Chump Lady and Chump Nation are the most powerful motivators you will ever meet. There is more strength here than you can imagine.

      One more thing, block your soon to be ex on fb. This way he can’t see what you’re up to and you can’t see what he’s up to. Playing the marriage police is hard enough without having to do it on fb.

  • My Ex , he was techniqually the ex becaue I filed while he flirted with victim number two right in front of me and then actied like a pissy 4 year old when handed papers. But nothing else was settled , he was deliberatly delaying the sale of the family home slowly forcing it in to forclosure and we had no parenting plans in place. But Ex was able to convince victim number two that he was a catch and that she was uber special. He was never going to do to her what he did to me, he convinced her he was straight, that he was the victim, he even convinced her to trade in her car and upgrade to one she could not afford so they got his mum to pay for it, three years on and it is still in his mothers name. They had the money to pay her but chose to spend it on a full white wedding in a sand stone church climing to be each others sole mates- or in her words Help mate, a High Tea reception and a month in paris……..now they are broke. Ex hardley works, they rely on support from the chuch and victim number two looks like a shell while Ex is running around like a 20 something when he is actually in his late 40’s.

    I use to ask myself to ask myself that was wrong with me that this happened and then one day I realised It was not me ……He just has no capacity to love me or anyone really and now I see that it is just history repeating.

  • Rise – I’m in the same situation ! See how special marriage is to these fucks? I just find it funny and kind of desperate ,,, I get freedom and choice and ME. They get each other ….I know which one I would prefer.

    Fuck them and fuck their union !

    • Rise, Debbie–add me to the club. After I stumbled over the file of sex photos of my ex and OW, we had it out and he begrudgingly admitted to me that they had plans already to marry. Talk about jaw hitting the floor. He was trying to keep the “just friends” angle going…mostly for Army/divorce purposes.

      It hurt like a mother effer. I too was incredulous. It does go to show…there is no value to marriage in their minds. It was the boring part before a fancy, expensive party. So them marrying, even in their own minds, means nothing.

      Get all your evidence. My ex fought me for everything we shared, after 13 years as a couple. The only way I walked out with a bare half was the leverage of those sex photos and bits and pieces of their correspondence I found. You deserve someone who shares your values, we all do.

      And Rise, I can honestly say that I have felt more peace in the past two months after I blocked Ex and all his family and “supporters” on Facebook. It really does help keep them out of sight, out of mind. God bless you. I know this hurts. It hasn’t stopped hurting for me yet either. This is nothing to do with YOU–this is all to do with his and her flaws.

      • I was devastated when I realized that my boyfriend (pseudo-friend) of 30 years had never posted online photos of us together in the 2.5 years we were a couple (or so I thought) because he didn’t want the general public to know I was his legitimate partner. (He essentially told me this at a party when it was time for the guests to take a group photo.) I was tooo stunned to respond appropriately–to tell him to go to H–l as soon as we got home. It was a slap in the face on so many levels. I felt betrayed as a lover, a girlfriend, a friend.

        Now, although I am still offended that he, in a way, strung me along for years, I am not as upset as I was some months ago about him blocking me from alll forms of communication. (Can’t even see a photo of us together in a large group photo on his relative’s FB page! What the heck is he so scared of?) The other day I saw a photo of him on a site (not FB). He looked…ordinary, not like the man who had my heart for years and, for years, I thought was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I’m quite sure that he either never thinks about me or on rare occasion thinks something negative about me, so I’m trying to invest as much thought in our relationship as he did for a few years, none or virtually next to none. Waste of space on my brain.

  • You’ve gotten good advice here but honestly, this really is a very tempting opportunity for you to have some fun at their expense. It’s funny how your husband set it up for you.

    • Dana, I know, it’d be tempting to write back on FB and ask “as the wife of the groom do I get to sit at the top table”? Don’t do it of course but I can dream!

  • That was part of my DDay—reading about their wedding plans, seeing the house around the corner that they could buy, and that he wanted to go ring shopping on a Tuesday (apparently NOT a business meeting out of town, but a cheap hotel).

    However, I also discovered that he had another regular fuckbuddy and was trying to hook up with several other women, there was no way he could afford that house, and by referring to their tryst as “blowjobs & breakfast,” we see his self-centeredness. No “cunnilinguis & coffee”???

    Personally, seeing that he was lying to the new love of his life and cheating on her was part of what made me realize how fucked up he was and kick him out. But I think that part of it was rationalizing that theirs is Tru Wuv and they were just kept apart by their inconvenient spouses. If they got married then that whole infidelity-STD risk-lying to your kids thing was justified in the end. Funny that it didn’t work out that way for them

    And totally amusing to me: my ex was a pastor. If he was marrying a couple who was living together, he would ask that for several months (!) before the church wedding, they stop sleeping together. So he texted that to SunnyDaze—after our divorce (remember, I know nothing) they will wait a year to get marrried and not have sex for the final six months. Her reaction was basically “ummm…what?” But I think it showed his a) denial of his personality that he could go six months without sex for the first time in 20+ years, b) controlling nature to make this unilateral decision, and c) narcissistic desire to make the grand gesture. Dude, God doesn’t care if you & SunnyDaze don’t have sex for 6 months before your wedding if you all are unrepentanly fucking around on your spouses as much as you can every minute before that!

    Smh. Trust that they suck

      • Oh yeah, and a super-conservative synod as well.

        He was preaching at a church that was about an hour away, so the girls & I were attending a closer church with their school friends. After our separation, my little one would just tell anyone who asked that Mommy was running that morning (actually was marathon training). Nothing like having your kiddo lie for your cheating ass.

        I don’t know that they ever found out; I decided not to tell the congregation. I did call the synod office & seminary after our divorce (2 years after DDay) and ask them to stop sending mail to him bc we were divorced. They didn’t bat an eye.

        But girl, the stories. At was not uncommon at pastors’ wives (all pastors were men) meetings to have a speaker deliver a message that was basically “have more sex with your husband so they won’t cheat or watch internet porn”. And once a lingerie visual aid. It’s embarassing just to type that bc it seemed so normal at the time.

        • I found it horrifying–but on some level sadly not surprising–when I read clergyperson on a top 10 list of jobs that attract psychopaths. If you search it multiple results come up, all with clergy in the top 10. These people have the market cornered on hypocrisy.

        • One of my acquaintances got divorced after discovering ten years and two kids later that his wife was screwing the priest who married them.

    • ^^^^ this.

      you can fuck around on your spouse but claim sanctification by marrying someone else and not fucking them before walking down the ile.

      When I learned that ex had hooked victim number two he tried to hurt me by claiming how she was better then me, my response was to look him in the face and state, “well be both know what it is going to take for her to be the perfect wife so if she is willing to go there good luck to her”

      • Yes! Apparently one of the attractions of the OW was the opportunity to engage in sexual behavior that was beyond what I felt comfortable with. And knowing him, there will always be something beyond that.

  • He looks stupid because he *is* stupid. Stupid is as stupid does. My x does so.much.stupid.stuff.
    He is a moron.

  • Still I Rise —

    Yes, there is a silver lining to this cloud, as Chumplady said:

    “I hope you have a very good attorney and you can leverage your husband’s desire to remarry into a good settlement.”

    A good settlement doesn’t take away the pain, at least not completely, but it makes it fun to laugh n his face for being soooo stupid and giving you a good settlement.

    • I agree, I think him wanting to get married will help your divorce to go speedily in your favor. I was lucky that he was pressured by the OW because he agreed to everything I asked.
      Though I guess we are dealing with stupid…

  • Man, meh feels good. I remember when The Sluterus messaged me angry And demanded to not be referred to publicly as the Howorker but the Future Mrs. Evans.

    You can’t make this shit up. She’s the FOURTH Future Mrs. Evans.

    I wrote back to her ‘Congratulations, on the behalf of the Cavalry of Former Mrs. Evans’, would you like the three of us to chip in and register for a nice set of paper plates?’

    Pbbbbbbbbbt. Blocked. Tracy nails it here when she says APs who marry are committing their lives to someone they know is capable of casual abandonment.

    They all really think their SPLENDOR is THAT SPECIAL. The Cheater told them as much. But the difference between Mrs. Evans number 4 and her predecessors being suckered is that none of us believed shopping for dates from married men at work was a viable life plan.

    I’m always reminded of Shug running after her preacher father waving her ring and yelling ‘I’m married now!”

    There is no way in hell I’d feel inferior to a turd like that. A very special turd. Mrs. Turd the Fourth.

      • Let’s not even talk about the fact that if I had not proposed a quickie dissolution of our marriage, she would have GIVEN BIRTH TO THE SECRETT ADULTERY BABY before divorce could even be filed.

        Which they also posted shamelessly all over social media about, how the baby was overdue despite the math being hilariously fuzzy. I had no idea because I don’t look at that shot, but saw some references on stepdaughter’s page and was like, ‘What the everliving fuck?’

        My OBGYN joked when I asked her about the timeline, ‘A Uterus is Not a Hot Pot.’

        Good Times. Say, should I post on FB about my upcoming LEEP procedure to scrape the cancer cells off my cervix from the HPV Cold Slab and only Cold Slab could have given me?

        Because as the Sluterus gets to celebrate her fertility with Cheese Dick, I get to say Goodbye to mine. And pay 400.00 a year in tests.

        It feels good to not care, but it would be a lie to say everything is fine. I’m still paying for their recklessness.

        • I don’t know your full situation, but having a LEEP procedure shouldn’t mean the end of your fertility. I had two healthy babies after mine.

          • I’m 48. Pending the results it could mean a hysterectomy for me. And if not, having this expensive procedure yearly if the cells return.

            • Hopefully you caught it early and the LEEP will take care of it. We’re all pulling for you here.

              • Thank you! And I hope this is not oversharing. This is one of the things I posit to people who say I should “get over it” and “date again.” I’m still literally paying for this mistake of a man, and after doing everything right get to explain to new prospective partners at my age that I have essentially an STD. Also sanctimonious asses who oppose Gardasil. Get your kids Gardasil, folks. You can do everything right and still get HPV from an unfaithful spouse.

              • I feel for you Luziana.

                Mine gave me herpes, after lying to me about what the rash was for 5 years. I was very naive and believed his “jock-itch” fungal infection story until I saw his hidden stash of anti-herpes medication. I showed symptoms about 6 months after that. My infection could only have come from him, since I haven’t been with anyone else. I later found out he also tested positive for HPV at the same time as he had the herpes diagnosed and didn’t tell me for 5 years. I haven’t tested positive for the HPV yet, but am very concerned it might not show up until later.

                He denies he ever had an affair, but the STD’s suddenly appearing 22 years after we married, the dating sites on our stared computer etc all tell a different story.

                I’m 47. I don’t know when or if I will ever trust people enough to date. I know if I ever do, I will be honest about my STD status upfront.

                And yes: Gardasil! It’s free for teens in Australia. There’s a new “catch-up” regime for kids who missed out. It saves lives!

        • I’m sorry, Luz. I had the step before cervical cancer years ago thanks, I’m sure, to Hannibal’s carousing throughout our marriage. Semi-annual exams for years afterwards, but test results always came back clean. Fingers crossed you can avoid the hysterectomy.

          • YES! Mrs. Turd IV is so sparkly she can cook a full term week overdue baby in seven and a half months. Her specialness knows no bounds. Or boundaries of common decency.

        • Luziana,
          Seven years into my 14 year marriage to my sociopath, I got carcinoma in situ of the cervix. I had a LEEP, the margins weren’t clear, and it came back 6 months later. I then had a cone biopsy and have been fine since then (this was in 2000). But sadly, it never even occurred to me that this was a clue that he was a cheater. Even during my LEEP, which is one of my worst narc/sociopath memories, while my doctor was lasering my insides my then husband sat next to me, lovingly stroking my hair and telling me how he would bring me to Red Lobster afterward. Red fucking Lobster. I HATE, with a very strong passion, anything remotely resembling seafood and/or fish. HATE it. He was well aware of this. But my poor naive chump heart, although confused, just told itself, “He means well. He just forgot.” Anyway, even after having it twice, I did go on to have one more baby. So it is possible, just so you know. But I can totally empathize with having to tell a new partner, which I had to do with my new husband when the time came. I can tell you that if a new man is worthy of you, he will not bat an eye, he will love and want you no matter what. If he doesn’t, than he doesn’t deserve you.
          My ex also got engaged while we were still married (no legal separation). They then married 55 days after our divorce was final. One more hit to my self worth. The OWife to this day boasts on social media, posts pictures of my kids all the time, especially the oldest, who I lost to their manipulation. I try hard not to look but it’s like trying not to look at a car wreck as you drive by and notice it’s your kid’s car. I struggle still even remarried to a truly wonderful man who shows me in every way that he is faithful, honest, and loves me completely. I have been so lucky, but at the same time lost so, so much. I don’t struggle with wanting any of it back, I struggle with the self worth and fault and guilt for my kids’ shattered lives. I think that getting a good attorney, going after a great settlement, and showing whatever proof you can of their wrongs will help in recovering at least some of your worthiness. I didn’t do any of that, I was not strong at all and did not have a great support system. To this day there are so many things I want to take him to court for but I am just too scared. But visiting CL helps a lot. And be patient with yourself. Adultery is a form of emotional AND physical abuse in my opinion, and as such can take a very long time to completely heal from. There is so much to what it does to your psyche. Treat yourself well, be tender, and let anger in too. It helps a lot to let yourself be angry. Anger = Strength. Sending you love and light.

            • Dear Bea:
              I am so sorry. I can’t imagiine the pain of watching your own child grow up from afar. I gave up trying to maintain contact with my stepdaughter, but yours is a whole new level of grief.

              To be fair, most people these days carry HPV. I only acquired a positive result from my husband at 43, in the third year of what I thought was a committed relationship. If he was a prior carrier, it would have been a Better or Worse formality.

              It bothers me greatly that he has to take no precautions and has no health or financial repercussions from infecting me. He continues to infect others. Only women who develop Cervical Cancer get to bear the brunt of this. He took risks with my health and I got to have no say.

              This is why adultery is abuse.

              • I hate that they get to risk our life and health to get a bit of strange.

                However, it might interest you to know that men can get penile, anal, oropharyngeal and other cancers from HPV. They don’t get tested, though. Your cheater ex might still have risks, even if he doesn’t know it.

                Chump guys: you might need to be aware of HPV risks and check for abnormalities. This is why boys need Gardasil, too.

              • Trichnomasis, chlamydia and HPV.
                And genitalia herpes.

                I never cheated. He has never apologized. 11 years. From what I can piece together for my detective work it was from the OW and prostitutes.

                It is mortifying to have to tell someone that I want to date that I have two STI’s that they could possibly get and they are chronic.

                If I had the money and the emotional strength I would sue him just for that but I imagine causation would be the hurdle.

                Hate. Lava boiling hate and despair.

  • Still, the same thing happened to me. He went from “married to Rumblekitty” to “In a relationship with the crunchy haired whole from my old neighborhood” on D-day. And yes, it got all sorts of likes. They announced their engagement roughly 3 months after that. I stopped looking on Facebook for awhile, but later I’d check because frankly, the absurdity of these two, espousing their love for each other relentlessly was comical.

    Turns out people must have been talking because the OW took to posting passive aggressive memes in the vain of “don’t judge me unless you know the whole story” sort of thing. I guess to bolster the narrative that I was a rotten wife who deserved to lose my husband. My X would respond to the meme and say “people should shut their mouths and keep their opinions to themselves”. Ha! (Also, the OW loves to post shit about Karma. Figure that one out.)

    I know it hurts now, but eventually you’ll see the absurdity of it. My X handled himself like a buffoon and his new wife is equally ridiculous. I don’t want to be married to that. Nope.

    • Rumblekitty… thanks for sharing this. You’re the first to share what I saw: Daisy Duke used to post all these passive-aggressive memes & quotes on fb when I was in discovery last year. just like that & full of her narc-y fabulousness: farting rainbow cupcakes and other selfie-skank jibberish. Meaningless and chump-baiting. So, to test the 2-way street, I posted something about “no one cares about how wonderful you think you are” just before I went & blocked her. Funniest one was the pic of herself & her husband she posted just hours after meeting my husband at our home on my birthday. Guilty, much, skank?
      Trust. That. They. Suck.
      And fuckwits who suck do NOT get to determine our worth!

  • Dear Still I Rise… he gave her jewelry and an empty promise. Sound familiar?

    KNOW. YOUR. WORTH.

    Get a pitbull lawyer. Even in no fault states, Judges hate asshats like your husband. You only lost 25 years… look forward to the next 25 year without lying, cheating, douchebag husband. It will be infinitely better. I promise.

    Go no contact now. Get a good therapist (after you hire that lawyer).

  • My ex-hole actually got married before our divorce was final! Yes! Married! He married wifey #2 in September and our divorce happened in October. Thank you facebook date stamps! Apparently he knocked her up and they went straight to the alter. Luckily I didn’t find out until after the divorce was final. I have no idea how he pulled this off or if wifey #2 knew that he was still married or not (she was not the AP I found, but maybe another, idk), but this turned out to be the best thing for me because I haven’t seen or heard from him in over 5 years and made no contact that much easier. Like others have said here, yes, stay off of social media and block him and everyone he associates with. SIR, it gets better I promise. He’s doing you a favor, use the leverage you’ve got and build an awesome life for yourself :::Hugs:::

    • It is funny how things trigger memories.

      My narc stepfather knocked up the woman who would become wife number four while in prison and still married to my mother. Trust me, for all my mother’s short comings and there were many, wife number four was not an upgrade.

      • They’re never an upgrade. Idk wifey#2 so I don’t know if she was even aware of what was going on. Ex-hole is a masterful liar and knows how to play the “poor me”
        part very well so who knows what kind of story she got from him. I’m sure you mom is much better off without your narc stepfather.

    • I’m not sure how that’s legally possible to get married while married to someone else, as bigamy is a crime and illegal. Perhaps he did a civil ceremony of marriage and then legally signed the marriage contract after his divorce was final.

      • I don’t know either. You’re probably right that it was just a civil ceremony. By the time I found out, it was well after the divorce was final and I was already on my way to meh. It stung to find out, but mostly I found it hilarious! I couldn’t make up all the stupid shit he did even if I tried.

  • Very similar story here. Stupid was engaged, twice, during their years long affair. It was humiliating. He did eventually marry her, 4 months after our divorce. It hurt like a MOFO, but I took the time to heal and eventually recovered through new adventures, sports and achievement at work. Noe I have entered into an Honorable, honest relationship! You can and will recover if you work on building your new life and give your love to those who reciprocate your love.

  • As we were divorcing, I found out he was dating someone new. Not the 25 year old who broke up our marriage. She had dumped him a long time ago. He got upset when I referred to his new gal as his mistress since we were still married although he had moved out and filed for divorce a couple months prior to that. He said, “She’s not my mistress, she’s my next wife.” That was before the divorce, and 23 hours after our divorce papers were signed, he bought her a ring with money from our children’s college fund.

    The kids hardly see him these days and although he went to graduation for our son last evening, DS wouldn’t go find him after the ceremony for pictures.

    Trust that they suck.

    • This is so awful to not be there for their children. But if they’re not bonded to their spouse while married, they won’t bond to their children either. These people are wired differently.

    • They don’t show FOR the kid, they show up to be seen by everyone else. I call Mr. Sparkles “Uncle Dad” for this very reason.

        • Luz,

          I didn’t have a chance to see or reply to your comments in real time, but you really need to do stand up. Your stories and delivery are priceless and hilarious. Ghost Dad had me howling.

          I am so sorry to hear about your procedure. I went on to have 3 children after a level 4 cervical dysplasia and a cone biopsy. Sending you good energy. Love you Gurl!

      • “23 hours after our divorce papers were signed, he bought her a ring with money from our children’s college fund.”

        There is a special place in hell for people who do things like this. I am visualizing the Karma bus running him over, backing up over him, getting stuck!

        Stay sane. What goes around comes around.

  • If someone is still married and decides to get engaged, that’s a sociopath in my book. No conscience. And the OW is equally as dim or stupid to accept the pathetic proposal. And someone who can get engaged while married has clearly checked out long before DDay. They just didn’t bother to tell you about it. Or perhaps they were never really invested in the marriage and it was all for their convenience. But to get engaged while married is a clear sign that both parties are mentally off. Not sane or emotionally healthy person would accept such a situation.

  • I shut FB down as soon as the shit hit the fan. After divorcing Judas, I started a new page. However – I only have friends on there…..friends who either don’t know Judas or don’t like him either. I have no family on FB just for the simple fact that someone may somehow be connected to dickwad and I don’t want to know anything or see anything. I have told my family why I do not accept their friend requests and they understand.

    BTW – I got the Bowflex in the divorce and I use it 4 times a week :-).

  • Welcome to CN! I’m sure that the majority of us chumps were in this exact situation . . . the fuckwits are almost required to get engaged while still married to us to show the public that WE are HORRIBLE people and THEY are in such two luv that they just cannot possibly wait to move on to their fantastic, sparkly lives.
    I’ve been there. The “likes” on social media are nauseating, especially when they come from mutual “friends”. Trust that these people have no idea what your life and your husband are really like. He has spun some absurd story about why his behavior (affair, abuse, discard, etc.) are not only ok but absolutely necessary. Regardless, clean out your mutual “friends” from your social media circle. You don’t need people that vacuous in your virtual life. You are going through hell, and they cannot possibly comprehend what that is like, they will not be helping you through this, and they sure as hell don’t give a shit. It’s hard, but just keep saying “he sucks” and push it out of your mind. Every second if you have to, but just keep doing it.
    I agree with the sentiment that you need to get yourself a good divorce lawyer asap and get things moving. My ex tried to hide money, made his girlfriend the beneficiary on his retirement, pension, life insurance, etc. All while dragging out my divorce for 4 1/2 years WHILE he was engaged!! The bonus for me was that the AP would come to court with him!! Because bringing your home-wrecking whore to divorce proceedings doesn’t scream moral bankruptcy. It did help during one of our contempt hearings – he was court ordered to pay me in the final settlement, and he refused, claiming he was absolutely broke. But wait, didn’t you buy an engagement ring for your girlfriend and aren’t you planning a wedding and honeymoon (to take place as soon as the ink dries on the divorce decree?) That was a good one for the judge!! But you need to get the lawyer in place so that you can protect yourself. Trust that your husband has moved on to being fully invested in his fiance (GAG!) and will do whatever he can to try and keep you from what is yours under the law.
    Hang in there. We have pretty much all been there and we all commiserate!!

  • Chump Lady’s suggestion to leverage this to get a good settlement is spot on. He is engaged, his fiancé is going to push hard to get the divorce final ASAP so they can get married and pretend that their relationship is legitimate (although we all know it never really will be). Talk to your lawyer, ask for the moon and don’t budge. If their illegitimate marriage is delayed because he doesn’t want to sign the divorce papers giving into your demands, that’s his problem not yours. If he wants his wedding, he needs to give you what you want. You have an advantage here. Take it.

    • Exactly-
      Use this to your advantage during the settlement phase!!
      Douchebag McGee got engaged while we were still very much married. Two months before getting engaged he asked me about us working on our marriage (while living with homeslice), I declined. It took him 4 months after getting engaged to file for divorce. I didn’t file- my thought was he started the clusterfuck, he can finish it. Plus I didn’t want to spend the money or time going to court.
      Cheaters want a soft place to land- that’s all this is. A place to land where they don’t have to own their shit and can push the reset button and start fresh.

      StillIRise- this is a gift. It may not feel like it, however it’s truly a gift. His actions are telling you everything you need to know about his character. I think the issue is that you want to believe he’s a better person than what he is. It’s called being double-minded.

      Once you go NC and truly process through this, you will see it more clearly. I have 3 notebooks full of reminders of the things he did during wreckconciliation— whenever I think he really wasn’t that bad, I reread the notebooks and have clarity once again.

      Go NC, process through this stuff and create an amazing life for yourself with the generous settlement that you demand. Don’t allow him to see you vulnerable because that’s when snakes will bite you.

    • Agreed and I’m aiming to do the same.

      Tutu Timing hasn’t announced an actual “engagement” (that really was an open mouth moment when I read all that — incredulous) but is already talking marriage plans with her Neanderthal to bring him to EU.

      So obviously she needs a quickie divorce before Twu Wuv disappears and I’m looking to leverage that in my favour or rather my kids as the hell they’re going with those two twits. Here she can get a quick divorce but only if I agree to it. Otherwise oooo it could take years

      • Ex wanted to buy a house for himself and his OW. We were still married, but had been separated for a year. Since he didn’t want to buy while we were still married he wanted a quick divorce. Worked out in my favor for visitation for my son. Ex had already been MIA for a year. He wouldn’t visit his son because OW wouldn’t let him unless she was present and he was still denying her.

  • “Who accepts a marriage proposal from someone who is still married to another person?”

    My brother’s wife’s sister did this. I got news that “____is engaged!” when is the wedding? “after his divorce is final” (which took forever, so they must have been 3 minutes into the D process when the ring was bought .

    I was known in my family as the most ardent Catholic and they all knew I would be horrified (when I heard the above news I am sure I responded with a “he is still married”).

    Me and my nuclear family were very intentionally excluded from the whole new years eve wedding…but at Christmas dinner, someone slipped up and mentioned “the wedding”…I asked “what wedding” and they all looked like cats who swallowed canaries

  • I’m guessing cheater husband & OW had a bit of a tiff more than likely due to divorce not being in the near future. So to appease OW and keep the peace, cheater hubby went to FB to make his commitment to OW public. Maybe he figured this would shut her up for awhile.

  • Engaged before divorced, not really putting effort to get that divorce so he can get married again, amoral friends, the cheating to begin with etc…. All of these things are abnormal to normal people. To the disordered this chaos seems logical. Stillrise, steady your emotions and temper your heart in knowing you are normal. Get a lawyer- this seems like a slam dunk case with your cheater advertising on social media his escapades.

  • My story is similar, and the original poster is right, there’s not much on the internet for “spousal abandonment.” Thank God for Chump Lady!

    My STBXH told me 7 weeks after I kicked him out that they were planning on getting married. (He’s gotta lock down the new supply!) I’m sure they/he talked marriage before I even knew about the affair. We theorized she might have been pregnant (nope) & my lawyer requested his CC receipts (no ring).

    In 2 weeks the divorce will be final. I’m betting they’ll marry before the end of the year. It hurts like hell to be abandoned after so long, but then you realize after some NC what idiots they are. Someone posted that quick 2nd marriages are good for business for divorce lawyers – repeat business! 🙂 I’ve already got my popcorn ready

    • “I’ve already got my popcorn ready”

      I know what you mean 🙂

      I will laugh myself silly or even in her face once they break up. But who knows. From recent texts I’ve seen then maybe they are suited to each other. Dumb & Dumber indeed

      …getting closer to Meh…

  • My ex was still living with me and our kids when he was proposing marriage, and planning where he would honeymoon with OW. Later, when I found out about the affair he deleted his emails (after he gave me his password). He didn’t realize that emails could be undeleted. So I got to read the whole mess of professions of undying love, and promises to look after her kids, and lies in which he said he had his mother’s blessing to leave me.

    He ended up alone anyway. He got mad at her for having cold feet so in a fit of anger he ‘outed’ her to her church elders as a fornicator.

    Our grown son is now on my back pressuring me that we need to have get togethers as a family! My son says I am dishonouring the ‘memory of our family’ because I don’t want to celebrate occasions and do things together. It’s a bit hard to get to meh some days.

    Loyalty is not in their vocabulary. They will stick around if there are no better options. But they are cold hearted predators to the bone. It’s not about us.

    • Tell your son YOU decide what is best for you, not him. Your X is the one who dishonered the family, not you. You’re not required to play happy family with a person who betrayed you. Not ever.

      Jesus, these fucking kids.

  • Your husband got engaged. I hope this means he’s keen to divorce, which means he will be amenable to terms that suit you.

    Play hardball and get as much as you can in the divorce. Schmoopie will be on your side inadvertently, as she sees the wedding date on hold due to LoverBoy’s determination to argue over the antique side tables.

    Do everything through lawyers. Do not do the pick me dance. Do not provide kibbles or cake.

    And then when you are finally free of this turd, remember the Lola Doctrine: Cheaters Never Trade Up. And its corollary: Affair Partners Win Nothing.

  • PS. I actually know a guy who did this as well.

    There wasn’t an affair – his wife left him for other reasons – but he quickly found a replacement to cook and clean and work alongside him on the farm, and they got Facebook-engaged a few months later. It didn’t last.

    Several years later, still not divorced, but now living with someone else, who takes wonderful care of him as well.

    Weird but true. They really do see women as interchangeable appliances.

    • THIS: They really do see women (or men) as interchangeable appliances… they cannot be alone. I’d pity Mr. Sparkles, but I’m all out of give-a-fucks today.

  • Oh, gosh. I still remember learning that they were routinely engaging in post-coital “soon, we’ll be married, and our happily ever after will begin for real” chats while I was picking out the paints and fabrics for the home redesign he absolutely insisted upon. Also learned that she was regularly asking him to have “the talk” with me about the divorce they had long since decided must happen, but that I knew not of.

    They’re playing the image management game well, but there’s no escaping from who they elementally are.

  • OMG. Flashback city! My ex and the ap had an email exchange planning their monogrammed towels! Puke. Total fuck wits. Hang in there Still I Rise! You WILL RISE.

  • FucktardX did the same, and married seven months after our divorce. Painful, but move forward and don’t look back! The thing to focus on is the finances. File immediately and get into that motion a clause that protects your community’s assets. Who is paying the mortgage, etc? Get this addressed ASAP. It is not unusual for the disordered to believe they are the only people who matter, hence the entitled money grab and fucked up FB posts. Go no contact and get that lawyer. Move quickly because the longer that divorce takes the more money will go missing. When X chose to cheat and abandon, I recognized right away my life would improve as we didn’t share the same values. Leaving him in my past was the best thing ever. As for Schmoops, they so deserve one another.😂

  • Mine said he was unlikely to get married again for “a long time” in spite of the fact that she “means the world” to him. Who knows what “a long time” means to him though. I still expect to hear about their engagement any day now. I am trying to steel myself so I won’t fall apart emotionally, but I know I probably will anyway when it happens. We are months divorced now, but I don’t think that is going to help. Hopefully it will only hurt for a brief bit before I am able to shrug it off as karma in action. Unfortunately it will probably happen when I least expect it. He will probably try to hide it from me so I won’t be hurt and one of the kids will let it slip or something and I will be blindsided. The idea of his getting married again doesn’t hurt as much as the idea of his family and my kids being there to witness it and possibly even condoning it and being happy for them. I feel like if they want to go run off with each other fine, but they should be isolated and alone in that. There should be some consequences for selfish and stupid behavior. At the same time, I can’t reasonably expect people not to love and care about their son/brother/nephew/father even when he is being a fuckwit.

    It seems that sometimes these crazy wayward spouses are the laughingstock behind their backs, but other times they are accepted as decent people who didn’t really do anything wrong. It’s tough when you are the discard of the latter. Those are the ones who have image management perfected. I think mine is somewhere in between. The people who used to love him still do, but they don’t respect him in the same way they once did.

    • Mine told me he was never getting married again. Less than a year after our divorced he was married to the OWife. She moved in before the ink on our divorce papers was dry and before it was officially final.
      Not too surprising considering he was dating while we were married.

      So easy to trust that he sucks!

      • While we were married mine always said that if we ever got divorced he would stay single for the rest of his life. Ha! My friend found him on Tinder two weeks after I left him and 4 months later he was already bringing our kids over to his new girlfriend’s house to have sleepovers on his weekends. Mind you, this was only two weeks after I filed for divorce and gave birth to our third child. I still dont understand who the hell would date a married man who’s wife is 9 months pregnant and allow him and his kids to sleep over while also having a daughter herself.

  • Still I Rise:

    There are plenty of compassionate sister wives (and brother husbands) in this community who know all too well about the D&D (Devalue & Discard) and how it can make you question everything!

    Some of us are further along in our journey than others, but if you’re ready,
    we’re collectively headed for the Land of Meh and want you to come along.

    Step #1: Buy your ticket! There’s Budget Class (Internet DIY), Economy Class (Pro Se), Business Class (Mediation) and First Class (Barracuda Divorce Attorney). Personally, I’m willing to pay for an aisle seat in First Class so I’m not boxed in if I need to pee, and I get a personal navigator who can make the ride more predictable. The flight attendants are well-versed on emergency procedures in case you’re hijacked and negotiations are required, you have to ditch unexpectedly and swim with the sharks, or the entitled idiot in the next seat is selfish with that joint armrest.

    Step #2: Timing is everything! Don’t procrastinate; you’ll risk getting caught in traffic and find yourself scrambling to find a new flight. Be proactive and arrive at the airport well in advance so you have the upper hand in getting through security. Be well-prepared with your ticket and ID in hand (irrefutable documentation is king).

    Step #3: Stay alert! Always stay calm with your seatbelt fastened; we may pass through rough air and we don’t want you getting tossed around like a ragdoll. Be aware of your surroundings, and know where the nearest exit is located.

    Levity aside…

    (1) Get yourself the best freaking attorney you can afford. Ask your divorced friends for recommendations.

    (2) Strike first and file without delay. The element of surprise is very effective.

    (3) Ask for the moon (not only does he seem motivated, but you deserve it), but also know when it’s time to quit and move on with your beautiful life.

    (4) Go No Contact (the path to truth and light). This means ZERO contact… ignore, delete and block! Let your attorney be your mouthpiece.

  • My husband works in a different state. He was cheating on me, taking whore all over and telling people we were divorced. I was Home raising kids clueless. I got calls asking about the divorce that has yet to happen and see photos on social media. I always want to comment and say, HE IS MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. What an asshole.

    • Same. Ex and OW live together 320 miles away where they met while he worked away. They’re Facebook official on his new profile that I’m blocked from – my fake profile isn’t though 🙈 I’ve composed so many responses to all their congratulations and celebratory messages – what a lovely couple! Shame about the wife and children they’ve devastated.

  • Still I rise,

    Keep on rising and dont worry about what mindfuckery your ex cheater is doing to his new victim. He will not change, talk is easy change is hard. He will be cheating on her probably already happened right now.

    Keep on doing your thing and try not to think about that fukwit, he is not your problem now, you should rejoice your freedom.

  • My special Vstbx moved in with trailer boy in Sept last year. Still there for all I know. Don’t care.

    She got her stomach bypass 3 months prior, and in her mind thought she’d turn out a smokin’ hot beauty. She came by Sunday-unannounced to check if Plan B was viable- Looked LIKE SHIT. Old, aged, tired, worn out. All I could focus on was the 12 year old in front of me (@50). Tragically Disordered. Karma has just begun with her. Trust me,… This ONE! Divine Intervention would be the only option for her.

    Any Road, Rise up Get Off Social Media, it was the one thing that hindered my healing Immensely.
    You’re Pain Shopping!! STOP IT! NOW! These things bear you No Profit other than legal assets to clean this guys clock and he deserves just that. Make it Happen, Cap’n. You are In charge. Own THAT Shit! With his blatant disrespect for the law you’ll soon own his ass financially.

    Here’s your battle cry Darlin’ You GOT THIS.

  • My exhole got engaged to howorker more than 6 months before our divorce was final. Even better, he took the boys ring shopping with him. They were supposed be shopping for a mother’s day gift for me. In addition to the tiffany’s ring and necklace the boys gave me, exhole also picked up a ring for shmoopie. He never told me directly about the engagement – I found out when I was ready my older son’s text messages. I also had a good friend ask me about it, because when she was picking up her son from exhales house (her son and my younger are best friends) they announced the news like it was some glorious thing. My friend’s response? “Wow, you made homemade pizza!” When I confronted exhole about not telling me directly, he sent a scathing text saying that his relationship with howorker was private, and that he didn’t want to sully the “joyous events in his life” by sharing them with someone who does not wish them well (aka, me). That’s right, not telling me about major events that will affect my children is totally justified because I am a big ol’ meanie!

    • Oh, I went from “I love you!” to “I must leave this abuse!” in a matter of weeks, after 30 years of marriage.

      The day he stopped coming home I was told it was “none of my business!” where he was going, where the money went, where he was living or doing.

      What was so hurtful at the time was how he said it with such contempt. He obviously practiced this. He also sent me a letter to leave “Him, his family and friends alone!” What he meant was for me to shut up, not expose and sign over everything, or else.

      Literally, like in 24 hours I went from wife to pariah.

      • It’s amazing how they can do a 180 so fast. As though it’s not your business how marital assets are being used before everything is finalized! and as though it wasn’t my business that my young kids were getting a new step mommy! Selfish, entitled assholes, all of them.

      • An alternate explanation isn’t that he practiced his contemptuous behavior, but rather that’s who he genuinely is and he was just hiding it for the rest of the marriage (incredibly painful to consider, I know). Once you stopped giving him kibbles and started pushing back against his behavior, he had to pull out a different tactic to try and ‘keep you in line’. It’s utterly sickening and it’s also classic abusive behavior (of which entitlement is at the core!).

      • Magneto,
        I feel awful for you! I know what is like to sudddenly be treated contemptuously, to be sought after for sex and then told, ‘I want to run away from you!’ A dagger to the heart. We are just objects of just lust (a loyal partner, unlike a prostitute offers free sex and one doesn’t even have to book an appointment!), convenience. company when AP, new kibble supply is not available, and contempt.

  • Rise, here’s another when you start to doubt yourself. This song helped me in the berginning of thids sdhit storm

    Forgive Yourself
    Break the Chain
    separate
    Let it Go
    I’ve had enough
    RISE ABOVE

    • ML, love the music.
      Rise up, you will need to practice extreme self care now on your journey to Meh. Music is so healing, exercise too, but really anything that makes you happy and can help you get your mind off the drama. Netflix, reading, walks on the beach, and swimming in the lake balanced me out in those first few difficult years. That and prioritizing my children and our future together. I was so wounded…and a mess the entire time it took to divorce. Two years after moving out to be with AP, X vandalized “our” dream home, the one my family still lived in. The bank had foreclosed on it as Fucktard had refused to pay the mortgage (whores are expensive)…so I knew then that his new piece would be marrying a bigger loser. Looking back, I didn’t realize how awful my marriage was, like most here, I did much of the work-competently- but everything I enjoyed he disparaged—family, thrifting, decorating, reading, even vacationing together with our children. It helped me too to record all the crap choices he made and there were many red flags over our years together. So much of what made the marriage work was my commitment to it and I knew it was over when I discovered the AP. Best wishes.

  • It took almost 2 years to get a final divorce decree. I can’t tell you how many people were surprised that we still weren’t divorced along the way. They just assumed it was done. People jump from you’re getting divorced to you are divorced quickly in their heads. Anyone who likes their post is not someone you need in your life.

  • Or, my husband is Facebook official with another woman while still married to me and people who have known us as a couple since our first date 16 years ago liked it. The relationship status didn’t surprise me. It’s not news to me. The collective display of fucked up morals in support of it did slightly blindside me. Such a lovely couple! Shame about the devastated wife and children they’ve left in their wake.

  • Just trust that they suck! Mine didn’t get engaged because boyfriend was too high or drunk to do it. oh, and he didn’t work. She eventually discarded him when he couldn’t provide for her. she didn’t work either. She did manage to get married about 1 year after the divorce. Great for her! Expect he beat the crap out of her and almost killed her at least once I know of. I only know because of the kids, which luckily were old enough to stay away from the BS. Well, she’s divorced again after less than a year of marriage. So, you see it’s all image for them. Of course it’s on facebook so everyone can see how great the life is. Mine posted all the time about how great that marriage was and pictures of them everywhere. But the truth was quite different. Don’t fall for the image BS. Behind the scenes is always much different. Remember, they SUCK!

  • One of the things I did when I was still pain shopping on FB was I would unfriend anyone who “LIKED” the photos of them and comments of true love. When I was ready to go NC it really helped that my list was dwindled down to true friends.

    • That is exactly what I’ve been doing. The only people I haven’t done that with are husband mother and sister 🙄 i won’t forget though.

  • Pain Shopping
    There’s a reason it’s called PAIN shopping. I just pain shopped the other day. Did’t have to shop too long to feel pain that lasted a couple of days. Yuck! Why did I do that??

    Pain Shipping – aka Reverse Pain Shopping
    I made a list of all of the things I was glad I would never have to experience again. It’s a delightful list of personal quirks and habits that the OW now has 24/7 access to! Be My Guest, OW!!Happy to box up all this stuff and ship it on over! When I want to feel great, I flip through this list. Here are a few examples:
    – Never have to watch him dance that stupid way again
    – Never have to watch him cram too much food in his mouth again
    – Don’t have to listen to him gag when he brushes his teeth (my favorite ‘Reverse Pain’ btw!)
    – Don’t have to accept being yelled at ever again (Man I love this one!)

    Anyone else want to join me in Pain Shipping?

    • -Don’t have to be constantly picking up beer cans throughout the house and outside
      -Don’t have to be looking at the house and the ‘half finished’ projects that will likely never get done
      -Don’t have to put up with his drunk friends making fools of themselves in front of my teenagers
      -Don’t have to deal with the wicked witch of the west – the mother-in-law who actually did live next door to the west.

      I could go on……

    • -no more watching him chew with his mouth open
      -no more piles of dirty clothes on the floor
      -no more piles of his clean clothes that he’d never put away
      -no more buying new furniture every 3 yrs because he “plops” down on it and breaks it. He’s obese.
      -no more spending money we don’t have to keep up with the Joneses (AKA his coworkers & brother)
      -no more of him plugging the toilet almost daily
      -no more clutter.. he doesn’t believe in putting things away
      -no more MIL!!!!!

      I could go on…but I’ll stop. Have fun with all that, OW!!!!!

      • Fortunately or unfortunately, I can’t complain about most of my ex-boyfriend’s ‘personal’ habits (e.g., leaving dirty clothes strewn about). The lack of the many bad/unappealing habits in my last boyfriend makes me miss him and think that I’ll never get someone as ‘good’ as him ever again. I can see why women are attracted to him–good listening on his part. diligence, organization. cleanliness, good education, wealth. friendly, stable family. For a minute, I thought that I might be able ‘to have it all’–a long t friend and liver rolled into one who I respected, trusted, felt attracted to, lived in my area. I thought that I was finally, near 50, emotionally ‘home.’ It was all just a fantasy. Thus. I guess that I’ll very likely just stay single ’till the end.

    • I need to do this! I went pain shopping last Thursday and it contributed towards ruining my camping trip with my boys on the weekend because my head was royally messed up. I went back for seconds on Sunday evening and still haven’t really recovered.

      • Chumplaura, you need that piece of lumber to your head. NEVER ruin a time with the kiddos because you were messed with. They want a bit of fun with you, and only you. Hey, soon it will be easier, but not this afternoon. Hugs to you!

  • A friend who is just starting the Pain Circus realized her abusive husband changed his Facebook status to ‘widowed’ two days before their restraining order (domestic violence) hearing.

    The judge was NOT amused by this public threat and threw the book and then the rest of the library at this guy in her narrative granting the restraining order.

    So… Social Media can have value in court but it’s not a place to hang out.

  • Still I Rise- hang in there. We here at CN have your back.

    I was with my ex 23 years, 18 years married. While he did not officially get engaged to the married AP before our divorce was finalized, she did get pregnant TWICE. First time three months post separation, then lost the twins at 3 months. But, oops, got pregnant again right after the miscarriage– but these things happen and they do not believe in abortion (seriously, 2-3 weeks, probably the earliest it can physically happen).

    Gag. Really? Just have the decency to wait for the divorce. So they married 4.5 months post divorce, and the baby came a month early, one month later.

    But of course they are not decent. Found out later she was STILL MARRIED at the time of conception for both pregnancies; filed for divorce 3 weeks after the 2nd one (probably the instant she realized she was pregnant). Also, during the first pregnancy, they planned to move her in PREGNANT, my kids had never met her, when I was on an extended work trip overseas (and kids would have had had nowhere else to go, 9 and 12 at the time.

    Lazy, lying, selfish, cowardly narcissists– the lot of them!

    Good luck SIR– hopefully the FB announcement will help your settlement.

  • The fact that y’all are still married is just a technality and you’re only married on paper. The marriage is over. It was over the moment he decided it was over and left the home. Yes it would’ve been great had he ended the marriage AND THEN started dating other people but he didn’t and that’s why he sucks, among other reasons.

    Now he’s her problem.

  • Still I rise,

    So many people have given you great advice. Though I’m a huge proponent of no contact and no pain shopping if it will help you get a better settlement, by all means stalk the FB/Instagram pages or have a trusted friend or relative stalk them so you can print information.

    I would also like to add that there is a window of opportunity for you here, but it’s shockingly narrow and few chumps know to take advantage of it which is why CL is great. Your STBX is in the throws of schmoopiedom right now. He’s engaged and making wedding plans while he’s still married for Pete’s sake! His head is stuffed squarely up his arse so now is the time to pounce! He’s full of kibbles and it’s a high for these morons, particularly in the beginning. Get your evidence and get to a lawyer and get him to sign the documents before the clouds part and he realizes what’s going on!

    It’s probably easier said than done but for the few chumps who took this approach, they got a lot more than when it drags out. You’ve been married a long time so that bodes well for you anyway but might as well go for broke!

    Keep Rising! Trust that he sucks!

    • Great advice! Pounce now while his head’s up her vagina. You will have no regrets! Take care of you!

  • Golden D##k skipped the engagement (one less ring to buy? He’s cheap) and went straight to “marrying” it. They exchanged rings and vows (god, I would have LOVED to know what they said to each other), had a little reception with her family and kids and celebrated their “anniversary” with her family every year. This was while we were 30+ years into MY marriage and I was completely unaware. I feel so bad that I wasn’t invited! I would have bought them a LOVELY wedding gift! They were together for a few years before the marriage, which lasted for 10 years before their “divorce”. At least she didn’t try for spousal support. Although knowing her (she was our neighbor for 15 years), she probably thought about it. Must have hurt knowing that she wasn’t entitled to anything other than the quality time that they had spent together in our bed.

    • Wait, they were “married” and celebrating their anniversaries with her family while you were still married to the fuckwit? wow

      • Yep. And he had the time to do it, because he retired at 50 (12 years ago) with a great retirement plan, but insisted that I still work, so I could pay for our health insurance. And, obvious to me NOW, so he could wine and dine her, her friends and family and seek out sex with anonymous men and women with the knowledge that I would not be able to observe what he did all day (definitely NOT “working around the house” which is what he claimed) while I was working. He complained bitterly that the insurance didn’t cover his ED meds. I wondered at the time why he would need ED meds when he rarely initiated sex WITH ME. Guess his Golden D##k had lost a bit of its shine, probably due to his heavy drinking and excessive masturbation to porn. Sorry if that’s TMI.

  • Absolutely get the best divorce attorney you can find and don’t worry about going into debt to do so because after 25 years of marriage he will pay the bill and then some. It’s hard to put the hurt feelings aside and do this but you must. Consult with a few lawyers and show them his Facebook post; the good ones know gold when they see it. It’s hard to set 25+ years of history and feelings aside but divorce is all about money and your financial security. It took me a while to accept this truth but am so glad I did. He doesn’t care one iota about you. Take care of yourself!

    • Don’t just consult with a few lawyers; find out who the best divorce lawyers in your townare and schedule consulations with all of them as soon as possible, even though you’ll have to pay for most or all of those consultations. It will cost you so go in prepared with all your information, financial records, etc and remember that you are paying for that hour so listen but also ask a lot of questions and get as much legal advice as you can from that session; it could prove to be invaluable. You might not hire them, but if they’ve consulted with you they can’t take on your ex as a client. You’ve got this! Take charge!

    • Distant Memory.
      Not every innocent chump’s legal billl is payed for by abusive cheating spouse. My abusive, adulterous husbandxfiled for divorce the same day he tried to get a judge to ban me from seeing our kids, falsely accusing me of various horrible crimes. He paid less than $20k in legal fees; I paid $100k. He earns yo to 10 times what I earn. His perjury was obvious. Guess who paid 100% of my legal fees? I did. Don’t expect justice in the ‘justice’ system. If you get it, you’re lucky. The system is extremely random as divorce laws are very broad (give judges a huge amount t of discretion) and many judges believe that they are God and don’t need to follow even these laws.

  • I read this today and I am shocked and so sorry. The exact same thing happened to me, my husband got engaged 4 months after our split to the other woman. He then carried on to have a very lavish and expensive humanist wedding ceremony a few months later. Not a word or a thought to our kids. We were married for 22 years. All his close family attended but only a few friends, most of them had too much respect for me and our children to go. I was devastated and although I had the support of my friends and family nobody could really understand the humiliation and devastation the wedding thing caused me. I felt so alone and totally traumatised, which was probably his intention. I had counselling and moaned in a diary as I was worried people would tire of hearing me moan! In a way though, although it was painful at first it made me stronger and determined not to waste any time overthinking (a thing I can be guilty of). I knew from then that he was and always will be a soulless ghost.

    That was 5 years ago. My ex now had a baby at 55 but doesn’t see our kids, not that they are bothered now.

    I got engaged to a loving and caring man on a rooftop terrace in Venice last week and we live in a beautiful home with my son. My Daughter has a lovely partner and baby daughter. Life is definitely better now and we try not to be haunted by any soulless ghosts. Just positive thoughts.

    I hope it helps to know that the nightmare ends and times get better and I wish everyone here a happy life, we all deserve it after all the crap we go through.

    • He got officially married in Vegas two days after our divorce finally came through, two years after his fake humanist wedding ceremony. He kept stalling the divorce with money hiding tactics. Usual narc stuff.

      Distance yourself from the ghosts quickly. They get stranger by the day.

  • I don’t know when my ex and the ow got engaged. We’ve been divorced a bit over a year and they are getting married next month at the house that we built together. It’s painful news. There’s nothing I can do about that situation except feel what I have to feel. That said, I’m glad I got a good lawyer and subsequently a good settlement and encourage everyone else in this situation to do the same if possible. It was the only piece I could control and it’s important to take care of yourself amidst all the emotions.

    • I’m glad that you got a good settlement, Distent Memory. Some of us get royally finamcially shafted. I need to work until I die–and I’ve always been frugal and cautious with money (I have a finance background).

  • Sorry if this has already been mentioned, but “the rest of his life” is probably not how long he plans on being with this latest “ooh, shiny!” He may just be trying to hurt you &/or dig a deeper hole for you to disappear in. He is emotionless. I got news of my ex’s marriage before my copy of the divorce paperwork was received. Remember those gyroscopes we played with as kids & how hard it was to keep them upright & balanced? Yeah, that’s them. All over the place, unpredictable & unbalanced. You & they aren’t working from the same playbook. Hell, my sisters sided with him, & 2 out of the 3 slept with him. I went from half-dead to I’m ok & getting healthier. You’re not alone here, & you will make it & prove to yourself you have honor, integrity & a better life ahead.

    • Oh, good god, your SISTERS? They deserve each other. They don’t deserve you. Way way too good for them.

  • It always amazes me how little respect there actually is in this world for marital vows. A couple of work friends of mine were talking about a couple at work. The man of the couple was divorced, the woman left her husband to be with him. They were somewhat excited for this new couple. I said something about not seeing how someone could break up their marriage over this guy. Immediately they were, “You don’t know what her marriage was like, her husband could have been a real bad guy.”

    I told them, if he’s a bad guy, you leave first. Then you find a new relationship, not the other way around.

    They just thought it was very romantic and lovely that these two people were now together. Ugh.

    • I think a lot of people think this way, until they’re on the receiving end of the betrayal.

  • “Boy, I’m so proud to live in a country where straight-married-to-other-people people can stroll into a Christian bakery and order a three-tiered confection for their adulterous wedding adventure, and gay people cannot. (Hey, it’s nothing personal, gay people, it’s Jesus.)”

    Yep. It doesn’t matter how much of a nasty creep you are– as long as you’re straight, hell, get married ten times and cheat on every spouse! It makes me sick how society deems what my ex-cheater did as something “personal between the spouses” and not something that should be “judged” because “well, we don’t know what went on in their marriage,” but my married friends who happen to be gay are judged as less than or sinners despite their strong, long-term, committed relationships. *insert vomit emoji*

    • Let us not forget the infamous Kim Davis of Kentucky. She was married 4 times to 3 different men. Her set of twins were born 5 months after the divorce of her first husband and the biological father was her third husband. Her second husband actually adopted the twins. I don’t think you have to be a math scholar to figure out she was cheating on her first husband with her third husband….But don’t let gay people get married because that goes against the Bible??!! Yeah, right. Cheaters really do suck!

      • In the meantime she got saved, so it’s all aok. Ick. And did you hear one of the folks she denied a license to is running against her?

  • My Ex did the same thing. After the discovery of the 5th affair in four years, I changed the locks and put all his shit in the driveway. He moved out 7/14 and was engaged and posting all over social media in September. We weren’t divorced yet. I struggled, the same as you do, Still I Rise. I read two books when we first separated trying to get my head around the whole thing, one was Runaway Husbands by Vicki Stark, and the other was Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. I gained such perspective from both, but CL really spoke to me. I went no contact and I blocked him on social media. I also unfriended all of his family and our mutual friends. Not because I didn’t still love those people, but I couldn’t see them supporting his BS and “liking” his statuses proclaiming love of his new victim while completely ignoring his former wife of 23 years and our children. I had an even harder time with the idea justice and that he and his new girl seemingly had no accountability. Friends accepted her into the group. Family embraced her. It felt very demeaning and demoralizing to me. I wondered why no one had a moral compass. Why no one called him out on his bullshit. Why his friends seemingly turned a blind eye to the situation.

    Then one day, it dawned on me that my ex and his girl deserve each other. I wish them well. I hope they make the most out of their lives and I don’t give a single shit how they do it or where they land.

    I got the kids, the house and all the bills. But what I don’t got is a lying, cheating, narcissistic asshole who spends all my money. I’m nearly a year out, my kids are thriving, we’re going to Europe in August, and we are all so much happier now that the negativity is gone. You’ll get there, it’ll be harder some days than others, but you will get to Meh. xoxo

    • ‘I got the kids, the house and all the bills. But what I don’t got is a lying, cheating, narcissistic asshole who spends all my money. I’m nearly a year out, my kids are thriving, we’re going to Europe in August, and we are all so much happier now that the negativity is gone. You’ll get there, it’ll be harder some days than others, but you will get to Meh. xoxo’ ~ This. IS. AWESOME !!

      X

  • I am begging you please to get off Facebook. In fact just get off social media. When I say I hate it I am not kidding. Just so you know a man that lived down the street from us, old enough to be a grandfather, had something like 6000 friends. They are so easy to get and they will “like” anything. It is the most ridiculous thing in the world to put any stock in any of that shit. I am on Instagram only so I can post pictures back-and-forth with my family. To give you an idea of how ridiculous it is my posts are pictures of flowers that I grow, and family members, and yet I have new people “following” me every day. What in the hell are they doing that for? You need to put Facebook and any other social media in perspective. Just get on with your life because you are married to a blithering idiot.

  • My former sister-in-law (then-wife’s sister) got engaged the same day her divorce (about 90 days after she ditched her husband for AP) was final. They got married about 2 months after that.
    For the first few months after she ditched her hubby, her mom (my former MIL) wouldn’t tolerate any of her other children implying that she had left him for another man, or even that there was any cheating. About a month after she left her hubby, it was announced that she was “dating” this other guy, but MIL still refused to hear any accusations that there was “overlap” between her relationships.
    Once they got married, MIL simply refused to talk about it.

    When it was my turn to take a spin on the family fake reality wheel, I should’ve known she would turn on me just like she turned on the other poor guy. She apparently did the same thing, making sure none of the siblings ever commented on their sister’s actions.

  • This really resonates with me. My story is similar. I have overcome alot of what your feeling right now. Everything Chump lady replied to you is the absolute truth. I suggest you keep reading the replies. Lots of good advice. I know its hard but the sooner you put these two morons behind you the better off you will be. Get a good lawyer , share all the morons posts with the lawyer. Focus on the bussiness end of the divorce and get the best settlement you can. He is a very sick person and you deserve more.Nothing wrong with you!!!!! You picked the wrong man,thats all!!! ONWARD! Do not entertain these two clowns. Stay true to yourself and continue to be the good person you are and everything will fall in place and you will feel joy again. BELIEVE IT!!!!

  • Oh yeah the freaks do some crazy sh*t. Mine ran around calling schmoopie his wife, not only were (and are) they not married, we were still married. Just demented…

    • Dear Still I Rise: My heart bleeds for you. He not only stabbed you in the heart but he then twisted the knife for maximum effect. This is a very cruel and narcissistic person. He is putting on his own public relations campaign hoping people will hop aboard. It’s all about him. You have been traumatized and believe me I know what that feels like. It will take a long time to get over this but please know that you have not done anything wrong. Keep your chin up, you have pride, and don’t let this asshole take that away from you. He will get his, believe me. I wish you the best.

  • As if the elation of Chump Lady responding to me here wasn’t enough, I am so grateful for the supportive comments, advice, etc. from EVERYONE here. I will reply with a more detailed response after work when I can read every comment thoroughly. Thank you very much Chump Nation! It is you who are giving me the strength and potential to live up to my chosen screen name.

  • Tracy wrote..//Boy, I’m so proud to live in a country where straight-married-to-other-people people can stroll into a Christian bakery and order a three-tiered confection for their adulterous wedding adventure, and gay people cannot.//

    More than a mouthful is found in this truth. Though you were referencing the OP’s dilemma of actually being married while the husband is engaging himself to another woman, the real, legal difficulty is that we don’t know if the Christian cake-baker will bake a cake for a wedding for a non-covenantal, hetero wedding. He took his religious stance against the gay marriage utilizing the bible to define a “lawful” marriage (as being one man to one woman). The next round of questioning in the courtroom could have utilized the same bible to ask him if he accepts the business of those who wish to marry another after a divorce, while a first-spouse (covenant spouse, to mean one that had not been previously married) is still living. If he admitted that he does take this business, then his religious grounds for denial to the gay couple would have to be found to be discrimination, for he would be admitting to denying one type of “unlawful” marriage while advocating on behalf of another type of “unlawful” marriage. This will come up again, somewhere down the line. A biblically-proficient attorney familiar with covenant marriage could make a profound impact on our courts, and likely to the legal benefit of gay marriages.

  • My b.s. meter is telling me the late designer Kate Spade killed herself because her husband was cheating. Will we reading about an engagement in the near future ? They had been living separately for almost a year when she committed suicide. The sister that provided the first statement claiming Spade struggled with mental health problems turns out to have been estranged from Spade. Was husband conducting a smear campaign ? Alienating her from family and friends ? Her suicide note addressed to her daughter Frances told her to ask her father Andy Spade what happened. Call me cynical…

    • If Kate Spade was mentally ill (no shame in having depression and anxiety), why would her husband move out and leave his daughter alone with her sick mother ? My heart breaks for her daughter.

  • Just wanted to join CL in urging you to use this insanity to your advantage. Get a good settlement from him now while he wants to get married.

  • Also, ask your lawyer about what the laws are in your state, but you may want a few screen shots. Announcing you are engaged before you are divorced seems like proof of cheating to me. Can it be used for your case?

  • I found out my husband was cheating when I read his text messages between him and the ap. Imagine my surprise when I saw the text from her that said: I can’t wait to be Mrs xxxx Xxxxxx. Uh….hello? First of all I haven’t vacated the position yet, and second, she is still married too. Psychopaths. I will be so glad to be rid of him and his bullshit.

  • I have no idea if Cheatlanta and Schmooplanta are engaged either formally or informally, I do assume, however, that they will get married as soon as they can arrange it once our divorce is final. Because Soul Mates!!!!!

    I know many in CN prefer a quick divorce. In my case, being patient has worked very nicely from a settlement standpoint as I have quietly, firmly and patiently bargained for myself.

    As a side benefit, my grown kids have had an extended opportunity to adjust to their new unwelcome reality without having to deal with a newly married father and a new ‘stepmom. Gave them time to get used to their dad being a douche before they had to deal with their dad being married to someone other than their mom.

  • X#1: 2 illegitimate children by 2 different women before I filed for divorce. After I filed, but before it was final, he knocked up a 15 y.o. who turned 16 right before she gave birth. He was, and still is, human garbage.

    X#2: Replaced me with a 20 year younger girl who was so desperate to have a partner she didn’t care we were married at the time. They’d known each other for all of 3 weeks when they moved in together. TWU WUV!!! They’re still together… and stuck with each other, not happy, despite their frequent postings on FB to convince everyone otherwise.

    X#3: Was still with original gf when we got married, so I was inadvertently the OW. Didn’t find that out until after the divorce. This X is now engaged to one of those nice-but-plain-schoolteacher types… who’s probably thinking she won Lotto getting someone as sparkly as X#3. X had an affair with my oldest [now former] adopted daughter while we were married. I just found out X fooled around with her this Memorial Day weekend, when she came out to visit and the fiancee was not around.

    StillIRise… Trust. That. They. Suck.

    We all <3 you, hang in there.

  • “There aren’t enough ice swan sculptures to make that shit pretty.”
    Thank you Chump lady this is brilliant .

  • You know…. you could post a link to that post on Facebook and then some of us could mosey over there and write,”Dude! You’re already married!” And as he deletes one comment, and blocks the unknown poster, another one from another poster could pop up.

    We could do the same on hers.

    Jus saying!

  • Dear Still I Rise,

    If you’re still reading and it hasn’t already been suggested above, I strongly recommend “Runaway Husbands” by Vikki Stark. It addresses the particular discard of a man (like XH and your STBX) who dumps and moves on, abruptly, out of the blue, for another life/wife/whatever. It’s a quick read chock full of helpful bits. — Sorry for your pain. — And, yeah, stay off the social media. Only pain and shininess there.

  • My ex-husband got engaged to someone else while he was still married to me, too! Only I had the extra special treat of having this happen on the same day he announced he was leaving me AND it was four days before Thanksgiving, and he informed me that I was UNINVITED to Thanksgiving at his parents’ house because SHE WOULD BE THERE.

    This was in 1998. My only regret is that I didn’t have Chump Lady and Chump Nation to turn to.

    I am well on the other side, happily dwelling in Mehville with my husband of nearly 15 years and our daughter. Be mighty. Get a huge settlement. Trust that they are trash. We’ve got you.

  • I can do you one better. My cheater got MARRIED to someone else while he was still married to me (not to mention still living with me, having regular sex with me, and telling me he loved me every day!) Granted the ceremony was unofficial, but they made vows and he gave her both a ring AND a bondage collar and leash to which he had the only key. This was OW’s idea of romance. Once DDay happened, she used this as proof that they were “more married” than cheater and I.

    • ‘ he gave her both a ring AND a bondage collar and leash to which he had the only key’

      I would LOVE to see a Chumplady drawing of This! Ha!!

  • Ex gave his mistress an engagement ring before we had agreed to separate. We were still married, living together, yes, having sex, and he supposedly had no contact with her and we doing everything to save our marriage.

    She moved in secretly 2 weeks after I left. They’re married now.

  • My situation was hopeless me and my husband was on the verge of divorce. I was in a awful state and felt that I was not able to cope with life any longer. I found out about this Dr Lawrence and tried him. Well, he did return and now we are doing well again, more than ever before. Thank you so much drlawrencespelltemple@gmail. com Thanks and remain Bless

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