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How Did You Get Rid of Their Crap?

Leaving a cheater is a massive clean-up effort. (Like Superfund clean up sites, only without the federal financing.) There is the crap the cheater gave you. And then there is the other detritus of cheaters — the crap they leave behind. Their high school year books… their pilled sweaters… their children.

Somehow cheaters seem to think personal organizing is YOUR job. And aren’t you building a shrine for them? Save it! Because you could always be Plan B if you pick me dance hard enough!

I’d like to know — what did you do with their crap? Did you get a 24-foot-cubic dumpster? A storage locker? A shredder (to make “chumpfetti”)?

And of course, no sooner do you make a decision about their crap, then they’re asking for it. “Do you have my book on West Virginia coal mining?” (This was an actual query sent to my lawyer.) “The fountain pen my uncle gave me?” “My fishing rod”?

NO. But maybe if you weren’t circulating between multiple households of women, you might know where you left it.

Geez. So tell me YOUR strategies for cheater crap. Help the newbies. Help the storage locker industry.

Ask Chump Lady

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  • They do have so much emotional and physical crap they leave behind. I hired a massive skip bin and filled it, packed a few things for him to receive eventually (eg photos of his parents), taken a heap of his no-longer-cool-enough clothes to the charity store, smashed a few things with a hammer including a DVD marked XXX – images I can never unsee – and I have a few items I am saving for a final cleansing bonfire. Does hoarding stuff go with hoarding OW? Is it part of the personality defect? I am shocked how much of his chaos I had got used to living in! But now heading towards mental freedom!

    • From the large amount of reading I have done on narcissistic personality disorder, hoarding seems to be a thing narcs do. (“If it belonged to ME that automatically confers special value on it”). And of course narcs are notorious cheaters as well, because they have no ethics and no empathy, and they just take what they want wherever amd whenever. Pretty sure that’s why so many of us have experienced the hoarder issue too.

      • The X hardly ever went through his things. I pleaded with him to organize the garage last summer. He absolutely refused. My last laugh – he wanted the divorce and now he gets to deal with garage all by himself.

        When we moved to our current home, he just dumped stuff into boxes rather than going through anything. He had two containers full of tools and supplies from bathroom renovation that had been done 8 years earlier. I’m not OCD but that shit drove me nuts.

        He’s very fastidious about his everyday stuff – keys and wallet are always in the same space but he never took time to get rid of old stuff or even organize the stuff he kept.

        • i had the same problem. we had to move out of the old house in one weekend when we bought the new house (because the old landlord who i rented for 8 years from wanted me out by the first or pay a full months rent and we just bought the house) so everything was boxed quickly and dumped in the garage. . .. now it took me a while to organize the house. but he never organized the garage. there are STILL boxes of tools, nuts, bolts, nails etc

          ironically, towards the end of our marriage, he would spend hours and half days out in the garage. when i asked what he was doing in there, his answer was “i am cleaning the garage” or “i am organizing the garage”.. .. i still dont know what he was doing in there. i suspect drugs was part of that because the garage is STILL a mess to the point that you could hardly walk in it. It is not well organized but i can now walk in and find what i am looking for. still working on it 4 years after our divorce.

          • He might have had a burner phone that he kept out there.

            The X was horrible with tools. He even had a big tool storage unit but he was constantly buying wrenches and screwdrivers because he couldn’t find the old ones. So glad that’s not my problem any more.

            However, before I left though, I loaded up a portable tool bag with few things that I might need in the future (heehee!).

            • Mine was horrible with tooks too! I had a yard one year and i think i sole about 36 hammers and about 150 screw drivers! I don’t even remember how many utility knives we had! Every time he couldn’t find one he would buy a new one. Or pick them ip when they were on sale

      • It’s so interesting to me that this is a common thread. I nearly lost it when I saw what STBX had put in his “keep” pile as we were cleaning out the house. Crappy toys that he carried from house to house for the last ten years, but never unpacked. Video games that couldn’t even be played on a modern system. Tools that were rusted, jars of mismatched screws.

        All I could think was, “In ten years, you’ve never been able to part with these things, but you threw our marriage away like it was nothing.”

        At the risk of untangling the skein, I think it comes down to–at least in STBX’s case–a terror of real connection and vulnerability. I realize looking back that our marriage was very superficial, and any efforts I made to deepen the connection were side-stepped or used against me. Connection with people is scary because of the potential for rejection, but all humans need connection like we need oxygen. So, STBX connected with objects, and treats people like objects. Because objects can’t reject you.

        I hope he can get past it. Otherwise, he’s going to end up in a house piled floor to ceiling with stuff, all alone.

        • During our RIC attempts we did a “sex addiction” treatment program and my therapist described “sex addiction” as an attachment disorder. They literally don’t know how/what to properly attach. I think that’s why their stuff is so important, relationships not so much. As someone else said, fear of intimacy, vulnerability etc. Makes real human attachment impossible.

      • That is so spot on its frightening. My ex hoarded clothes, shoes, coats and I guess women. He is still asking my kids “What did mommy do with my old suits ?” He couldn’t part with anything except me and his kids. For chrissake!! Good riddance.

        • omg! The suits!! Mine had an entire room in the basement full of bad suits and Cosby sweaters from the 80’s! He kept neon man bikinis from the 80’s and was so proud to show them to me! Our house was an old Victorian house and so the basement was not well climate controlled! Musty man bikinis!!!Why store this shit?! It is rotting in the basement?! Wtf is wrong with these creeps?!?!

      • The fucktard left the home and all his stuff behind so he could come & go as he pleased, picking up items as he needed. He left a crappy pick-up truck in the driveway too – flat tires, leaking oil, etc.

        My neighbor, bless him, saw my distress & told me to get his shit out of the house. He helped me load all of the fucktard’s crap into the rusty pick-up leaving space only for a driver.

        I told fucktard to come get it or I would have it towed to his parent’s house (where he was now living). Fucktard didn’t believe me but eventually arrived 15 minutes before the tow truck. The look on his face was priceless when he saw all his crap crammed into the truck.

        Good riddance & a big hug to my fabulous neighbor!

        • A good friend will let you cry on her shoulder. A great friend will show up with the Kleenex and a sledgehammer.

          The day after X finally left (nine days after the court ordered date – because, even the court’s “not the boss of me!”), I took a personal day to regroup. X left our basement entertainment room (and his bedroom when he moved out of ours when I had our first son 17 years prior) in shambles. Broken beer bottles, slime on the floor, moldy bar rags, holes from pictures torn of the walls, broken furniture, etc. The metaphoric significance of the damage he intentionally inflicted and left for me to pick up took my breath away.

          Around 9:00 am, my petite friend and neighbor (4’11”, 100lbs) showed up with a sledgehammer. Together, we destroyed X’s beloved, homemade, crappy bar in the basement in five minutes. Kicking that thing to the floor remains one of the most satisfying and cathartic moments of my life.

          It took months to clean his mess, but destroying and then tossing out his beloved bar – the only thing in our house he ever treasured – definitely took away any sting.

        • Mine left his stuff do he could also come and go as he pleased. I finally stopped letting him in and included everything in my divorce. So now he has nothing and after the divorce was settled I gave away what I could and threw away the rest.

      • NotAnyMore,
        Talk about hitting the nail, square on the head, ” they just take what they want wherever and whenever.”

        And, they never use 1/2 the shit they collect!
        And they can never find anything!
        (Just saying).

        Stuff is exactly the word for all their useless treasures.
        A good friend once said to me ” cheater’s little ones are his real gems, he is missing out on them, his real jewels.”
        This was when my girls were very tiny and cheater was neglecting us as he polished his favourite toy of the moment, his precious boat. One of his prized possessions.
        My friend was right, those girls, now grown, were, are, and will always be, “my” gems, “my” jewels!
        To cheater, not so much.

        • Heavens yes! They never use half the stuff they buy! Son made an observation about Narkles the Clown and how he buys all sorts of crap he never uses.

          I swear much of the joy in my life is living in a clean space with clear floors I can use. Yes, they are hoarders…and my kid is noticing.

          As for what I did with his stuff…. He got a storage unit for most of it but I still had a good sized shopping bag full of breakables that I took to the outdoor shooting range. It felt good to blow those things to bits. Even nicer was people who asked what I was doing after hearing me scream “whoo-hoo” several times. I told them and they were wonderfully supportive. I even let some folks blow a few things to bits. The people at the range hugged me and told me they were glad I left the SOB.

      • My ex-narc is the opposite. He prides himself on not having a lot of stuff. He thinks of himself as unique, not like “other people”. You see, he’s above material belongings. Everything he owns fits nicely into his car. Very convenient if you want to just up and leave the home you shared with your partner of fifteen years to move in with shmoopie.

          • So am I Chumpful, so am I. Six months cheater-free next week.

            And here I am, narc-less. In MY new apartment, with all of MY cool stuff and without his hair products and sports equipment. 🙂

        • ^ This! Everything he owned fit in the back seat of his car. He was so happy to be out of our home he hugged me on the way out the door to be the love of his life fourth husband. FUnny thing is he has drug the divorce out for 16’months. Had to take him to court to get discovery done all the while blaming me stopping them from getting married.

        • Ha yes. My ex towards the end got really weird about ‘all our stuff’ the house being untidy (we have 8 yr old daughter) and so much ‘stuff’. He would do things in the big shed/garage and just plop it all back on the floor so within weeks you couldn’t even get in and if I said we needed to tidy it that set him off too. We should just butn it down, all that stuff. It was really to make the point that life isn’t about what you have it’s about what nourishes your soul, in his case a 36 colleague from work. And now he is acting like he is a zen Buddhist I don’t need anything just want a simple life in my pristine place with no kids toys, pencils all lined up neat. And where is all his ‘stuff’ still at mine. Do I care? No, not while he is paying half the mortgage and maintenance. He alters that by one English pound it will be round there on a van in 24 hrs. He also only doesn’t take half of it cause it doesn’t suit him right now. He even got weird about how much ‘stuff’ we had when I had cleared out the home I grew up in just after my dad died and yeah that was a job but it got sorted (I did it of course) but fancy making out that is materialistic when trying to house clear from a house up in since birth. Well he has had a spiritual awakening now see where he needs nothing – except total adoration and regular fucking. Oh and the deliveries cause obviously changing your address too menial for him. This week have I had two amazon packages? No, what are they? Won’t say cause it’s OWs birthday soon, bet for her. Leaves out their travel internanry he printed off at my house the other week then emails me to say had I taken it. Yeah sure had twat face put it in the bin. Now that has to be deliberate. He hasn’t even told his daughter about her yet. He wants to to burn down the shed as it’s a symbol of how I only carr about ‘stuff’. Yeah I would, if I could lock him in it first.

          • “Yeah I would, if I could lock him in it first.” I laughed so hard at this one I was snorting! Hahaha!

      • Yes! He saved all sorts of crap!

        ““If it belonged to ME that automatically confers special value on it””

        Exactly! He’s totes the same shit from place to place since he left home as a teenager. Really stupid stuff.

      • I had no idea about the hoarding thing for NPD @NotAnyMore and yes that’s completely true for STBXW.

        80% or more of our basement must be full of her crap; schoolbooks from 40 years ago for example; whereas I’ve just been minimalising; e.g. I got rid of all my books & CDs and just got digital copies instead. Even our separate rooms show this difference. I can fit all my clothes into a 3 drawer chest; whereas she has a 5 door giant wardrobe, with boxes piled on top, stuff under the bed, etc.

        Personally when we finally manage to get into separate places I’d like as little as possible from the past. Certainly nothing from the wedding from 20 years ago. If she doesn’t want that then I’ll burn it, including the wedding dress. Giving that to one of my D’s would be like handing them a future curse

    • I think hoarding is part of the disordered mental state they live in. My ex is a borderline hoarder and that’s why we never lived together full time. I prefer minimalist surroundings. He keeps everything that was ever given to him. And doesn’t organize or store it away. He likes to be surrounded by it.

    • Mine tended to hoard things too but he was also a compulsive neat freak who was constantly complaining that our house was too messy and cluttered as if it were my fault that the house was so untidy. Then he would bring home more clutter.

      When his mother sold her house he tried to get me to take the ping pong table that was in her garage and put it in mine because it would be so great for the kids and it would get them outside more. I refused because I knew it would get used for a few days and then just clutter up my garage for years.

      • What is it with these losers? Skankboy was a neat hoarder. The crap he saved!?! Less is best for me. I would toss clothes, etc, each year if I hadn’t worn or used them. He would fill the empty spots with more crap. This would anger me to no end. I’m glad my house has only what I want or need now. Hasta la buh-bye, creep!

    • I think you must be right, Chumpful, that hoarding is related to narcissism. My EX had boxes of stuff, sometimes very well organized, that he saw as chronicles of his past achievements, even though his “accomplishments” were merely ordinary in his field. But as he got older, everything was being saved–the less he achieved, the more he seemed to think he needed to preserve his “ideas” and “materials.” Everything was going to be important–eventually–once the world recognized his genius.

      • Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Mine also said he might need samples of his work if he ever needed to apply for a new job, so wanted to keep printouts if it all since the 1990s!

  • Donated it all to the Salvation Army thrift store. There were so many unhappy memories attached, I thought it should be sold to help raise money for worthwhile causes. Everything left behind by an evil person. transformed into something that helps raise others out of poverty and misery.

  • I *may* have packed up everything including the garbage he left laying around—old chicken bones come to mind. And randomly stuck our wedding invitations in boxes. He left almost everything he asked for and a lot of the boxes, so I’m now in process of selling some stuff and scrapping some. Taking components apart for scrap is therapeutic!

    • Oh yes. We were in transition from the house I owned before we married to the house we built when he decided to leave for Schmoopie. So I refused to give him any access to my house, which held the bulk of our belongings. I packed so much random crap in those boxes – all the wedding invites, photos, various pieces of garbage (kept what I wanted – and repeated the phrase “because fuck him, that’s why”). I put it all on the deck and left the house at the time we’d agreed to meet for him to pick up his shit. That was a good day.

      • I LOVE the

        “because fuck him, that’s why” because, obviously fuck him.

        It’s my new explanation for many choices.

  • The X insisted on staying in our house and I moved out first. Him and his sinister sister wanted me and the pets gone so they could stage the house for sale. Sigh, I have to begrudgingly admit that we got asking price for the house.

    The best part for me – I took what I could (moving from a big house to a 2-bedroom apartment) and left the rest though the rest was mostly his stuff and a few things that I no longer wanted due to bad memories. And, I did absolutely no cleaning upon leaving. He wanted me out which meant that he had to deal with mess that he created. I took no part in finding the agent or dealing with the new buyers. My only job is to sign the papers and collect my equity check for my new life.

    • Oh my God! Cleaning! I remember starting to sweep the floor, after I moved all my stuff out of his house; when my best friend looked at me and said, “What the fuck are you doing? Put that down. He cheated on you and you don’t need to do that. Let’s go!”

      • EMC, that’s exactly how I felt. I cleaned house for 19 years and he only offered to help clean when HE had company coming over. The day-to-day stuff – never.

        He was at work when I moved. I took the vacuum cleaner and left all the pet hair that had been hiding under the bed and heavy-ass couch. His sister and aunt came over to clean and stage the house after I left. I still get a giggle thinking about it. Their hard work will get me a bigger check at closing. I’m laughing all the way to the bank.

  • I moved out and left it all behind – let him clean it up himself! I only took things that were clearly mine (clothes and such) or had belonged to me before the marriage. A couple of friends gave me some necessities – bed, dishes, pots and pans – and over time I filled in the rest. I wound up with a much nicer space because I’m not living with a sloppy hoarder anymore, and I have better quality stuff because I now actually have some spare cash in my pocket- lose a chump, gain financial stability AND raise your credit score 200 points!

    • I moved out too, and he had to pay me for my share of the house. He was also a borderline hoarder who attached value to things I considered flea market/garage sale crap. I hope MOW (now his wife) is enjoying cleaning around all of it. I downsized to a perfect little cottage and couldn’t be happier. There’s no lingering stench of betrayal and no bad memories in my new house.

      • I moved out too. When the divorce was final – I had 60 days to get the furnishings out that we agreed I would get. I got lucky and found/bought a house that needed furnishing. The day I closed on my house, my 2 older boys and their friends moved all my stuff for me so I didn’t have to step foot in that house again. Asswipe was also a hoarder – with pool sticks. That is all he did was ‘shop online’ for pool sticks (However I think now that he was shopping for women and when he heard me coming down the steps – he would change the window to ebay). Any of his shit I ended up with is in a tub at my parents house. I’m not sure if he realizes what I have (a bunch of pictures his dead brother took just before he died….) but he won’t get anything back until I get my scrapbook back my grandmother gave me.
        Oh – and asswipe didn’t complain about a messy house. He complained that it was too clean. Jerk

        • Oh – and I didn’t get some of the furnishings that was on the ‘list’ that I was supposed to get. I was supposed to get our outside furniture – 2 tables, 8 chairs, 2 umbrellas. I got one table and 3 chairs. AND I was supposed to get the kitchen table SET. The word “SET” was omitted from the paperwork so it just read kitchen table. That was what I got – the kitchen table with no chairs. Such a fucking dickwad. BUT – I wasn’t going to make my kids go back and likely argue with the jerk. I let it go because it wasn’t worth it. I was also supposed to get the ‘pictures.’ I paid for ALL my kids’ graduation pictures but he refused to give me them. And I haven’t received my photo albums. I don’t have any idea why he would want to keep photo albums of my past….(Yes I do – to spite me) Fucker.

    • I moved out as well! It was a great chance to really cull my possessions. I left piles of refuse in various places in the basement for he and the OW to deal with. A pile of my discarded clothes next to his side of the bed. I meticulously went through all my toiletries and dumped the expired ones in the master bath tub. I mean why kill myself hauling that stuff down to trash? No he can deal with the clean up of the mess he made.

    • I almost did this because he was so vain about his stupid clothes. I felt like they were the only thing he actually valued in the world, but the thought of having to deal with him calling the cops or suing me and prolonging our interaction stopped me. I fantasized about pouring bleach all over his work suits. lol!

  • I stacked all of her stuff into one of the guest rooms (including pictures of her first children that she abandoned with their dad). She left all of those pictures behind. I almost filled the room full of that crap. I constantly kept asking (through an attorney) for her to get her stuff. She would never respond. She was ordered, at the divorce, to get her stuff as I brought it up again and she had 6 months. She never picked it up so I kept the pictures for my daughter so she had them of her half brothers and sister but the rest of the stuff I donated it for the tax write off and anything I could not donate I put it into the trash bin. I did not shred it as it is not my responsibility to do so, so if she had personal stuff that needed special attention she had 3 years to pick it up and she never did so it went into the trash.

    The tax write off was nice!

  • My favorite story … put the 16 x 20 wedding portrait diagonally sticking out of the trash bin out at the curb for all the neighbors to see. Subtle. 🙂

    • “put the 16 x 20 wedding portrait diagonally sticking out of the trash bin out at the curb for all the neighbors to see. Subtle.”
      Bwahahahahahaha!!!!! LOVE IT!!!!

    • Hopefully you “enhanced” his likeness with a sharpie. I’m thinking horns, a goatee and maybe a pitchfork.

    • I did that too… we had used our engagement photo and had all of our wedding guests sign the mat before we framed it.

      He came home from work and saw it at the curb (before he moved out). He didn’t say anything then, but he threw it in my face six months later… “It was so easy for you to just throw us away”… um, fuckwit, blameshift much? It’s like they want us to keep a shrine 🙂

    • That’s what I did with the huge wedding portrait when OWife was scheduled to pick up the very last bits of stuff I found in the attic. Left it standing straight up so all the world could see it. I remember getting a call from exhole later that day. He wanted to bitch at me for him and OWife getting into yet another fight over whatever he got caught lying to her about this time. I just told him he wouldnt get into so much trouble if he’d stop lying about everything and hung up.

  • As I didn’t want the family hone, due to discovering he had had endless sex partners round there whilst kids at school and was at work, so luckily i took everything important to me and kids and left him with all his crap!!!!
    Whilst trawling,through the attic i came across several photo albums. I removed every single photo of myself and kids from it, including even tearing us out of some photos leaving just his sorry as behind.
    They have so much crap. In our new home its remarkable how much space we now have as we are not falling over all his accumulated nonsense such as the 250+ beer bottles he had ‘collected’ or the piles of t shirts he had acquired but never wore as he seemed to,only favour rotating 2 or 3. Also all the fucking tools, gadgets, paint pots, variety of glues in the garage are long distance memories that I no longer have ti negotiate to get to a washing machine!

  • My ex didn’t live with me full time, and during the wreckonciliation I made him take most of his stuff home. I wanted the option of a clean instant split if/when he messed up.

    After I dumped him, all there was to dispose of were toiletries he kept here, his “special” food and drinks he had me keep on hand for him, and gifts he gave me.

    He’s a shitty gifter so all of it went in the trash or to Goodwill. The only things I kept are a few assemblage art pieces that I made with random interesting looking found objects he brought me. I don’t display them anymore but may again someday.

    I deleted all the electronic clutter too. Emails, photos, texts, links. Don’t forget the electronic stuff when you clean house.

    • That’s a great hint and the one thing I missed. I still have tons of old images on my computer. I need to dump those. I may ask my adult children to go through them and take what they want first.

    • Im not deleting digital photos etc. I will have it on record that there were happy times (even if he was cheating, we, his family, were happy) his story is he wasnt happy ever and we never DID anything. Oh really? well look at all those photos that say different. The kids need to know the truth. If he wasnt happy then it wasnt cos we never did anything etc etc. i just dont look at them

      • Plus I think my kids have a right to decide if they want those photos in the future. Ho-worker sure is trying to rewrite the narrative and wouldnt keep anything like that if anything happened to my ex – 30 years her senior. She doesnt want to admit he had a life and a family before she glittered her twatty self. So she is certainly NOT in the business of keeping memories for my kids

        • I also kept all photos. They are not just my past but my children’s past. It’s documentation of what reality was and not the twisted one thief father fabricates.

          • In the 1980s, my parents had a brutal post-Schmoopie-discovery divorce that got so bad – and so detailed – that it is regularly cited as legal precedent in my home state. My mother cut him out of every picture, by hand. Albums and albums. I get the hurt she felt, but I do wish I had a few intact ones to show my young daughters, because the cuts prompt them to ask questions to which they are too young to contextualize and process the ugly answers.

            My mother is a badass chump btw. In 1984 she got a call from a friend: I don’t know how to tell you this, but your [doctor] husband is here at this restaurant with his nurse, and they are holding hands. It’s important for this next part to know that my mother is stunning and exudes class and grace – she’s a blonde Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. She calls a babysitter for us (we were 6, 5, and 6 mos), dresses up, makeup, fur coat, drives over and asks the hostess to seat her at the table directly next to them. He looked up and she said “hello” and smiled, and then ORDERED A COCKTAIL. I am told by the hostess, who was the mother of one of my childhood friends, that my rooster-necked eventual stepmother nearly had a coronary event.

            She is a chump for the ages. Is now married to the true love of her life – they are electric together.

            • I love that! How I wish I could have done that. To see the look on both of their faces would have been awesome.

            • It is clear that you have tremendous love and respect for your mother. I am happy that she had such a great influence in making you the great son that you are. You know right from wrong, and that is the greatest gift a man can have. Well done!

          • —I also kept all photos. They are not just my past but my children’s past. It’s documentation of what reality was and not the twisted one thief father fabricates.

            THIS^^^^ 35 years of marriage and I was ALL IN…and mistakenly thought he was. So, thank you.

            BTW, I’m not sure I can ever go “all in” again. That makes me sad, but also a bit safer.

  • Oh don’t even get me started on this one. When Schmoopie left the Twat he rented a rather large, but very beautiful farm house with 3 bedrooms. A couple of years later when Schmoopie number 2 walked into his life (around 3 months after the death of her husband no. 2 I believe), within 5 months he was moving out of the farmhouse and whizzing back to the States to buy a house with her (more like for her I think, judging by all the paperwork they left on the table). He called me on the Sunday to say he was leaving permanently on the Friday!!!! So 5 whole days then. Problem was, he didn’t get rid of anything! Coffee grounds moulding in the coffee machine, washing in the washer, all his/their personal paperwork lying on the table – oh and did I mention the dog he got in the February and abandoned in June? I had my kids take the pup back to the pound (where I believe he has since been adopted) as I did not want to even see it.

    I work full-time and am gone from the house 12 hours a day, but every weekend over the next 2 months while he had to still pay the rent, I went up there and sorted, bagged and took what I could to the tip. Oh and there was no garden to this house as such – just a small space along the side about 3 metres by 6 metres where the owner had planted about 8 rose bushes. Do you think the Twat took care of 8 rose bushes once in the 3 years he lived there (retired). Nope, that was all hanging all over the roadside and was one of my weekend jobs to go up and clean up too. Funny though because he asked to borrow my hedge trimmer (he didn’t have any hedges – maybe Schmoopie’s bush was a bit tough) but it never came back. I reckon he lent it to a drinking buddy who broke it and that was that, so Attie gets to buy herself another one. When he asked to borrow the lawnmower (wow Schmoopie’s public hair must be REALLY tough because he didn’t have any lawn), I told him to fuck off and get his buddies to buy their own.

    I know it wasn’t my job to do this as we were divorced so it would fall to my kids to do it. I also knew they would leave it till the last minute so ….. Anyway, at the end the kids and their mates brought what they could back to my basement (my basement is huge but it doesn’t mean I want his stuff in it) and my youngest son took what he wanted when he moved into his own place. My basement is still stuffed jam full but I have taken what I can of his clothes to the Red Cross and will hopefully get to be able to sort it more when I (hopefully) retire in January.

    But it just goes to show doesn’t it, who the hell has that kind of entitlement to think it’s perfectly OK to abandon a large home and contents (including a dog) and leave other people to clean up their shit. Oh and the kids in the end cleaned that place up so well that he got his €1,000 deposit back, but do you think he would have given it to them to split between them. Wanker!!!!

    • Oh, and I forgot to mention, he was FURIOUS when 3 years later the French were going after him for 3 years worth of taxes. “But I moved out in 2015” – yeah, buddy, but you didn’t hand back your French “green card” did you!!!!! So at least they got to hammer him, which was a bit of karma I expect. He’s handed it back now so hasta la vista baby!

        • Thank you Peacekeeper. If you saw him in a swimsuit (112 lb wringing wet), you wouldn’t be able to get up off the floor!

  • When mine took off to the country he now lives in permanently, he left EVERYTHING here. I had a massive garage sale and made a lot of $$ including a lot of ammunition. I also de-cheatered the house, taking down all the pictures and decorations that HE liked (It was always his choice and i rarely had input) and all that went in the garage sale too.

  • I got the house and all the fixtures and furnishings (I had better lawyers), so I dutifully waited for sparkledick to list what he wanted from the furnishings (his brother’s paintings, a jade Inuit carving). I set the paintings in the garage for the dog to pee on (he did), sold his better clothing, gave the rest to the guy who collects recycles with his horsecart, left two threadbare pullovers for the cats to pee on (they did). Jammed everything in a big trashbag. Sparkles did not ask for a single picture of his children.

    I sold everything that came from his family. The very first thing to go was his mother’s antique Singer sewing machine. Ironicamente sold to a cheater and his floozie: at ten AM she was covered in makeup and wearing a miniskirt and stilettos.

  • Gave away and threw away his stuff, as well as every dress, piece of jewelry or gift he gave me. I don’t need any momentos of him in the vibrant and healthy space I am creating here.

    • I forgot to mention that I too got rid of everything he gave me. Most of which I’m sure was bought to indulge his love of having saleswomen fluster around him.

  • I dumped all his clothes in the driveway and texted him a photo. He came pretty quick to get them.

    He left everything else for MONTHS! Finally I gave him notice that if he didn’t get it he would forfeit it. Keep in mind at this time he had another woman pregnant and was supposedly in a solid relationship. So he comes to move his stuff and who is there to help him? His 63 year old mom. That’s it.

    I still have large items of his in the house (pool table, poker table, etc) so I wrote into the stipulation that 30 days after the divorce was final it all became my property. He was pissed when he finally realized that! Begged me to think of his mom & brother, to whom he said the items actually belonged to. His mom even texted me that she would save money to move them and get them out this summer. Well, it’s August and they are still here.
    I’m currently using them for storage, so no rush to get rid of them. But as soon as I clean up the basement, I’m selling them.

  • I held on to his clothes, tools (like an entire garage full), his year books, family photos, etc. for a bit over a year after he left. I had to in a way because he was dragging out the court stuff (still is) and my lawyer said hold on to it so you don’t look vindictive. So after the deadline date came for him to get his stuff, I went through the clothes donated what was worth donating, trashed the clothes that were not. There is still a box and garbage bag at my house that has the personal belongings that I figure he would want but from reading here know he doesn’t care about – family pictures of his relatives that have passed away, his yearbook, crap like that. The tools are now all mine, so I will eventually need to go through the garage and see what I want to keep, what I don’t want to keep. But since things are not finalized it is still hard for me to do that, plus I have no idea the value of any of the tools so need relatives that do know to have time to come do that with me.

  • To all the people who have bonfires or cut the cheaters belongings I wish I had your ability to do that. I wanted to but when it came down to it I couldn’t do it. It was easier to bag it up and give it away. There is still stuff I am sure throughout the house in boxes that were never unpacked so I hope to be at meh when I end up bothering to go through those boxes.

    • I currently have this dilemma with one item. I have a doll house made by cheater’s grandfather. When cheater’s mother moved to her condo, there was no room for the doll house but she was partial to it so I (chump that I am) took it. Meanwhile, she got rid of so much stuff, giving it to her cleaning lady or throwing it in the dumpster(brand new stuff). Included was a glass plate made by my son which I really would have wanted. I asked her for it and she said she did not know what happened to it. WTF? She got rid of all the things my kids had made for her.

      Anyway, as to the dollhouse- I do not want it as it elicits bad memories. My kids don’t care about it but they have said I should give it to someone who could use it. I guess I taught them to think of others. I, however, have fantasies of burning it in our fire pit. M I L’s house burned to the ground 17 years ago, they bulldozed and went on seemingly unfazed. No one was hurt. The only things she salvaged were two photos of fuckwit and his brother and her wedding photo, none of my children. Why didn’t I get it at at the time?

      So what do chumps think, should I burn it when the kids are not around or give it to someone who might use it? Thoughts appreciated.

      • Maybe just put it next to the trash cans on trash day, but before you turn back to the house give it a hard kick. That way you symbolically kick the last of him to the curb aaaaaand someone who might use it will undoubtedly come pick it up.

        • Take it to a women’s shelter, maybe? The kids that are there with their moms could play with it?

          Nevertheless, your MIL sounds like an effin’ piece of work. My sympathies.

      • Hate that these jerks are so uncaring and we end up with these dilemma’s.

        My thought was to donate it to a home for unwanted or abandoned children. It kind of fits the situation.
        We have a crisis center here where stressed single moms can drop off their children for a couple of hours no cost, no questions. It helps avoid child abuse and neglect. If they can’t use it, they have auctions or will give things to children in need.
        Do you have anything like that?
        Or a boarding house for families who’s children are in the hospital and they live far away?

        Please donate it, or sell it.
        I’m sure a lot of love and time went into creating it.

      • No, don’t burn it. Doll houses like that are often used in raffles, to raise money for child hospitals. They have retired people who will “renew” it. Your heart wil smile, MIL will be pissed. Win win

        • Cross posted with BlueChumparoo and Hcard. ITA with them. Donate, look good (beat Cheater at his own image management game) and piss MIL off. Perfect scenario.

      • Feelingit,
        Could you give it to a day care? Little children would love it.
        Lots of great ideas posted above. Have at it.

        Feeling it,
        I often think, Feelingit and I have to go on a “scratch and dent ” fun trip to attack all of our cheater’s toys, prized possessions.
        I know that this is one thing that would truly piss my cheater off.
        Trashing his material “stuff”
        Oh, if only,we could, would you be in on this dear CN friend?

      • How about try Freecycle or Craig’s List? Or try your own social media. There’s got to be somebody who knows a doll house collector person who would value it.

    • If things are still boxed up, just take them to a charity shop. Don’t put that chore on yourself. Let someone else unpack those boxes. You need the space.

  • This was not a problem I had to deal with. Everything he owned vanished along with him. After 30 years it was like he’d never existed. A different kind of mindfuck

  • I put all of his clothes in the junker truck he left behind. Eventually he was ordered to get all the derelict vehicles out. Of course he took all the good stuff and the new motorized stuff I bought( snowmobiles, cars, house trailer), because they were in his company’s name for insurance purposes. 10’s of thousands of my belongings… plus some of my good jewellry( he threw baubles at me to keep me pick me dancing). He did nothing to clean put our cottage except take schmoopie there to bang her in my bed just like the one in my home. The house in Florida too, right before my sister and I went down there for final clean out. Partying with schmoopie and scandalizing the neighbourhood—scumbags. The good news is I sold everything from that house over a week of a posted “estate” sale and made a few thousand dollars. God sent me some. beautiful people during that sale—including the lady who spoke to me of God’s grace and love for me in the face of the worst time of my life and the Vietnam vet neighbour who spoke to me about ptsd( I had cptsd) and showed me brotherly love and gave me a book that helped me through. My ex asked me for half of the money( again he did absolutely nothing except soil my bed with his slut). I said I will apply your share to the money stolen from our retirement fund. Wackjob

  • Raise hand for center/hoarder here, too. I would clean, he would come home and go through bags of trash, picking stuff out. One toss out included 14 pairs of old tennis shoes he never wore. I kept the nicest 5 or 6 pairs.

    His parents gave us a 1950’s carpet scrubber, with worn down natural bristles, to “have” ( they were going to dump with a truck full of items). Salvation Army wouldn’t take it, so old, so I tossed it. When he noticed it was gone, for years after I heard, when ever there was a spill, “OH!, if we ONLY had that carpet scrubber!)

    This was extremely funny because he never cleaned, either.

    • That reminds me of the time (after he had moved out but we hadn’t yet filed for divorce) I boxed up a bunch of old kid toys to take to goodwill. I then made the mistake of asking him to come help me get the box in the car. When he showed up he went through it and removed half of it saying “we can’t get rid of that”. I should have made him take the things we couldn’t get rid of back to the then studio apartment where he was staying but I didn’t yet have the right mind set at the time. Sigh.

  • I was one of those idiots who played nice when my ex disappeared taking nothing but (as I later found out) all of our money. So I lovingly returned anything he ever asked for or that I thought he would need. Silly me! He’d been going shopping in Bond Street and didn’t want any of his tatty old shit. Later I had to go through the contents of our home, loft and cellar and deal with the accumulated dtertitus of a 20 year marriage in which we never got rid of anything. I knew I would not have space for anything after downsizing. Had to get a skip and make countless trips to charity shops and the tip with old paint cans, random electrical gadgets and the like. His mountains of papers from business school and countless failed businesses got boxed up for him to collect. He still had the nerve to complain about it all, but he didn’t have to lift a finger or pay a penny to deal with any of it.

    But my favourite story is of a woman who on discovering her husband’s infidelity carefully took in all his suits by a quarter of an inch or so before returning them.

  • He had six months to get his stuff out. He came over one day we agreed to go through the kitchen. He wanted to go through each knife, spatula and spice. I am not kidding he wanted half the spices. After about four hours I had enough. Then he didn’t have enough room to fit in car cause he refused to rent a truck. THren one day he got movers. He told me he got a storage place but then literally found out the moving truck went right to the new house he bought and the ho worker moved in a week later. Our judgement stipulated he had 6 months to get anything else out. After that time period passed he started asking for things. I didn’t answer a single one. I did told his yearbooks, fraternity crap, everything any anything that was his after six months. The wals are singing.

  • Oh and it still slays me that he didn’t ask for any photos—not of his dead mother, or our children, not of all of our wonderful trips to many places or out cottage or house in Florida..none. They are just black holes inside.

  • I handed the f**ker a box (politely) every time he came to see his kids. He’s not coming into my house. It was a technique I learnt from the rest of my family. “Your stuff’s not paying rent you know!”

    I’m not harbouring any crap and if anyone reading this is harbouring crap – don’t. Sell it, make some treat money xx

  • BTW cables, leads and other metal things can all be recycled for cash. So all that old tech junk can have the cables snipped off, and you’ll have a heavy bag in no time plus help preserve the planets resources

  • My response may be disappointing to a lot of CN but I am perfectly happy to keep and use a lot of the stuff that ex left behind. I am a practical person and if it’s good “stuff” I don’t feel the need to get rid of it just because it’s technically his. The kids and I still use his grandmother’s china for Sunday night dinner and other holidays. The vintage china cabinet it’s stored in is also useful. There were a number of pieces of antique furniture, secretaries, dressers, trunks, an armoire, from his side of the family that go nicely with the decorative woodwork in my old home and are useful for storing stuff. I told ex that if he wants any of his furniture back someday he can get it but he has to give me 30 days notice and he has to take whatever’s in it (whatever is cluttering up the house and that I don’t want to keep). He also left $10,000 worth of gold coins in a trunk in my bedroom. I am happy to keep that. Alas, we had to sell all of the silver to pay for the divorce so that’s gone. Someday I will sell my large house and move into someplace smaller. At that point I will make him come get his stuff or lose it.

    • I look at it this way.. the kids have his dna but they also have the dna of his other family and it’s nice for the kids to share in their family history through antique objects.

    • Newhusbands XW had bought a lovely set of antique bedroom furniture from Europe and later left it behind when she left 17 years ago. When we were engaged, I remodeled my bathroom and had a ghastly broken shower ripped out and replaced it with a fabulous armoire that was hers from that set (had shower heads installed in my steam room to replace the shower). Im totally cool with using these things to their maximum potential.

    • I’m like you, I’m not sentimental. Also I like the idea that it would piss off the OWarthog that I have – and use – the good stuff he used to own. Heh heh.

      • There is that. He has very little. Must drive her nuts that she doesn’t get to benefit. 🙂 I know his intent was always to pass it all on to the kids anyway (including the gold coins) so keeping it with me makes that more likely as Schmoopie can’t get her grubby hands on it.

  • Poor Sad Sausage Hannibal Lecher found it too sad to have to pack up his things after I’d thrown him out and he moved from an Airbnb to a permanent apartment. He sent me a list of things he wanted, and I had to pack them up for him. But…he didn’t buy any boxes for the movers, so I had to find/buy boxes to get his stuff out.

    Two significant things he left behind–a lovely 5′ wooden carving of a crane from his now-deceased mother (cheaters typically don’t have a sentimental bone in their body, though they can sometimes feign it), and his computer from 8 years prior which probably have the odious emails back and forth from gradwhore. I am so far into meh, I had to get a new passport, and find myself very eager to read those emails for an up-close & personal glimpse into the cheater mindset.

    • speaking of old computers…found an old hard drive in the basement and new husband cracked into it for me. I found OWs resume (gag) and an anger management worksheet on which he wrote
      “I never loved my wife”


      • Wow. Sorry, UNM, your dead-X sucks beyond words. I’m glad you had the last laugh. May he be on fire in the afterworld.

  • Kunty Kibbler was VERY deliberate about what she took with her when the court told her to vacate — the list was available the day after the order came down. She took only newer and more expensive items (because a new place and a new guy means NEW STUFF TO BUY!! YAY!!) and, except for some of the Shutterfly vacation books of trips we took with the girls, took nothing that reminded her of the life and home we’d built.

    Notable amongst the things she left behind were two of her family’s items that she’d lobbied hard for — an old wooden end table and an upright piano. (E the Elder played for a small while a few years ago but quickly gave it up, so it’s just been sitting in our living room.)

    I never put up a stink about anything she took or left behind — I just wanted her OUT. Pianos are notoriously expensive to move, which makes them difficult to donate or even give away, and of course KK never wanted to incur that expense.

    One year after the divorce was finalized, and a week after moving into her 2nd apartment, the following exchange occurred via Our Family Wizard over the course of 4 days. Enjoy this lesson in “Grayrocking with a Fuckwit” . . .

    KK: I would like my family’s carved end table. I can pick it up today or tomorrow. Let me know what time is best for you.

    UX: Please refer to the separation agreement (Exhibit G Item 9b: “Personal Property”)

    KK: My mother was asking about it. It’s a family heirloom. I know you don’t care about it. [RPD] and I will be there between 10:30 and 11am to pick it up.

    (Aside: KK’s mother is in assisted living, no room for personal possessions)

    UX: You will not be given this abandoned item today, regardless of whether you show up to claim it or not, unless an acceptable offer is made for it, or some other type of agreement is reached.

    KK: Don’t be small. This is my family’s piece that you never cared for anyway. If today isn’t a good day tell me a time that is and [RPD] and I will pick it up then.

    UX: You can retrieve your family’s table on the same day that you retrieve your family’s piano. Let me know what day works for you.

    KK: You do realize that you’ve just undercut your argument. I know you’re not that small of a person. Let me know when we can pick the table up. Or shall I have my mother or Aunt Jane call and appeal to you?

    UX: You can retrieve your family’s table on the same day that you retrieve your family’s piano. Let me know what day works for you.

    KK: You can continue to be small and petty. I’m sure it makes you feel good.

    Postscript: The table sits in my basement. I haven’t decided whether I’m going to restore it, sell/donate it, or burn it.

    • Take the table to Goodwill. And when she asks for it, which she will. Another way to try and get kibble. “Do you still have that table (I never picked up)?” You say, “What table?”……give her a little taste of her own gaslighting medicine.

    • 1. Fix up and sell the end table.
      2. Use the proceeds to pay movers to place the piano right in front of her door.
      3. Put the sheet music for “Stupid Hoe” by Nicki Minaj on the piano.

    • I’ll see your end table and up you one Lazy Boy recliner:

      XW wouldn’t sign the divorce agreement unless I gave her my Lazy Boy (she’d given it to me for a Father’s Day present). It was known as “Daddy’s Chair.”

      I told her she couldn’t have it—that it would be upsetting for our kids to see OM in it. They were still reeling from having moved in with him three weeks after being introduced.

      She insisted. I refused. Note that I’d given her nearly everything else she’d asked for and OM’s apartment didn’t even have room for a big recliner. It was purely punishment and spite.

      Finally my attorney talked me into letting her have it.

      She signed. A few days later I passed our home: on the curb for trash pickup was my Lazy Boy, her wedding dress draped melodramatically over it.

      • As a Father’s Day present, wasn’t it a personal gift to you, and therefore yours to do with as you like? I get that it was pure spite and punishment, and in the end it’s just a “thing” and getting her out of your life is more important, but still.

        • Yes, it was. And I did broach this aspect with my attorney. At that point I was so battle-fatigued I just wanted it over with. So did my attorney, I think. We were days away from settling after a year of a highly acrimonious divorce—the chair episode was only one highlight—and I decided to lose that battle and bring the war to a close.

      • David2016, WOW.

        I’m sure she was going for attention and sympathy from her neighbors. But if I saw that in my neighborhood on trash day, I’d steer clear from someone so desperate for attention that she’s willing to tell every passerby her tawdry tale of woe.

        • David2016, maybe a can of Red spraypaint would have come in handy that day.
          My mind went right to adding a capital letter “A” in red would have solved on lookers thoughts.
          And it being placed by trash can; thats rich.,

      • I really truly cannot understand the mindset of someone who would do something so petty out of spite. I mean really, what on earth did she have to be so upset with you over that leaving you for some stupid gigolo and dragging your kids along isn’t punishment enough? She is just mean. You deserve better and so do your kids. I hope your lawyer is working with you to try and get custody, at least 50/50 if not more.

        • Thank you. I’ve been divorced four years. I have slight majority custody, I got a lump-sum spousal support, and XW pays me child support.

          I was punished for finally following through with my threat to divorce. She wanted to continue cake-eating, which was working quite nicely for her. When I finally dragged myself to my knees, then stood and closed the bakery, her fury was unleashed. She’s still with OM and miserable.

    • UXWorld, well done holding the line. These people are slippery and persistent.

      My ex-wife was similar. She is a habitual line-crosser. I dug in my heels and stayed in the marriage house and bought her out eventually which was a victory, but the price I paid was having this entitled ex feeling like she still owned the place. She had moved out quickly and left a load of her shit. A lot of easy to dump, when I did find family mementos I would dutifully give them back because I am nice (did someone say chumpy?).

      The worst would be her drive-bys. When coming in to pick up a child she would breeze by something (the most recent was a Le Creuset pan) and say “oh, by the way, that is mine, my friend xxx gave it to me in the 90’s and I want it back”. Never posed as a question, not predicated with a “I know it has been awhile and it was my fault that I forgot it, but is there any way I could get that back from you…”. I finally put an end to letting her in.

      Stark reminders of the mind fuck situation my marriage had turned into. Such deep disrespect for me.

    • UXWorld, I’m always amazed when I read these exchanges with KK. I’m sure we must have married the same fuckwit, the tone is identical!

  • I took all the stuff he left behind and all the love letters he wrote me over the years he spent in jail off and on, put it in a big box and mailed it to his mama’s house. This included pictures and letters from old girlfriend, clothes, books, cds….and even the empty tall boys I found hidden around the house. I did keep all the letters I had written him because those were my heart and it no longer belongs to him. It was expensive but worth it. After Dday I found myself reading those damn letters over and over, trying to figure out WTF happened. So glad to be cleansed of that toxic bull. Sonnets on soulmates and true love and finding God and changing for ‘real’ this time……GIVE ME A BREAK!
    Getting rid of all of those things that serve me no purpose anymore helped me to move on. It’s similar to no contact.

  • I packed up her remaining stuff and took it to the AP’s house and dumped it right in front of his garage in the snow. Later through her lawyer she asked my lawyer when she could get the things she wanted that weren’t dumped on the front lawn. My lawyer responded with “please see attached picture showing her belongings neatly packed up and placed at her paramour’s home. The divorce was finalized soon after when she was called out on her bullshit.

  • All jewellery he bought me I sold, including My wedding ring which once bounced off the back of his head into the garden.

    Gifts have been mostly sold except a couple of bits of pottery I asked for.

    I had it put in the separation agreement that he had taken everything he wanted from the house six months post Dday. I did take down all his many many oh so precious and must be worth a fortune ‘limited edition’ plane prints and stored them for two half years post Dday just in case but he never asked for them so sold them… and they weren’t worth anything near what he paid. I gave the proceeds to charity.

    Took all his books and collections of tut to charity. I put the photo of us together at his police passing out ceremony in the recycling bin after writing cheating cunt on it with an arrow to his face… making my neighbour wet herself laughing.

    I still have a few police medals and other small items knocking about which I’ll sell at some point and one understairs cupboard to go through but I’m savage now… throw away, give away or sell depending upon the item. Don’t give him a second thought.

    I do have one framed photo of his passing out of detective school. My naughty thought wants to send it to him as he has been sacked for theft and fraud. But in my head that breaks NC so a no no. I might write sacked for theft and fraud on it with another arrow to his cheating face and throw that in the recycling bin too?

    I adopt a similar attitude he gave to me and our son when he left. So me first it is.

    • Oh I love your style! When I finally get round to going through all his stuff I might do the same with his Marine Corps pictures! At our son’s wedding last year I mentioned certain things he might want, including a professional photo of his family with our kids and he very loudly said NO so I feel that gives me the right to do what the hell I want with the rest.

  • He kept all of my belongings EXCEPT for my winter coats and boots, some chipped coffee mugs, and a few pieces of mismatched tableware. He showed up with these items at my sister’s house telling her how hard it was for him, and that he wanted me to “be prepared for winter.” Disordered much?

    With the exception of the few items that fit in my hatchback when I fled, everything else is still in the house he bought with my money for his fuckbuddy bosslady. I imagine that he, FBBL, and his cheater sister have gone through it all, selecting the best pieces and trashing the rest. He himself is a hoarder, and for me, it is a relief not to live with all his shit. He is probably both irritated that my things are taking up space that he could be using for his gun collection and excited by his “cash and prizes” haul when he discarded me. I am NC, so I don’t know.

    At the end, as the FBBL affair progressed (and I was spackling and pick-me dancing), he started giving me bizarre gifts: A 22 gauge Ruger with a scope, case and associated paraphernalia (I hate guns and I’m offended he didn’t think I’d shoot his dick off with it) and an absolutely stellar computerized sewing machine (I have a perfectly decent and basic machine that works fine.) These gifts seemed weird even for him; he was an AWFUL gift giver and cheap besides; these items were unwrapped and left under the kitchen table in broken cardboard boxes with the (very high) prices still attached. In retrospect, I suspect they allowed him to think he was “providing for me” so that I could survive after the discard. (“Well, I gave her that thar gun so she could go out and get herself some dinner. Go shoot some venison, pick some berries, she won’t starve! And I gave her that sewin’ machine so that she could take the pelt and make herself a nice little outfit to keep warm. What a good man I am!” (Note: imagine this being said with a thick German accent, BTW). Initially, just looking at those two items were massive triggers for me, but then I thought “Fuck you.” I joined the local rifle club where the 86-year-old men were delighted to show me how to shoot that rifle, I found that focusing on a target abolished the obsessive thoughts for a little while. I actually developed pretty good aim. Eventually, I didn’t even always think about shooting his dick off either. I learned how to use the sewing machine and am finishing my first quilt. It has a giant elephant on it. I think elephants are mighty.

    • Elephants are considered good luck in some cultures too. I love what you wrote! What a great way to make a negative a positive.
      I had a really hard time with songs, songs that reminded me of us, bands we found together. So what I have done is taken each song I really like and associate it with something else. Some new experiences ect. It has worked wonders for me.

  • I love the Superfund site comparison! I deal with Superfund sites for a living.

    I knew that I was going to have to get my ex out about a year before it actually happened. Since the house is mine, he refused to leave when I asked him the first time, so I just had to wait while I got my ducks in a row (well there is so much more to the story than that….). About a year before I had him removed, I went on a “de-cluttering binge”. I made him go through his crap and get rid of what he didn’t need. Got rid of old clothes, office crap, and some furniture. He was a bit of a hoarder, so this at least got it down to a more manageable level.

    After he was out, I went through his crap. I looked for and found anything I could use in the divorce. After going through his stuff I did neatly pack it and label boxes…not because I was being nice, but because I wanted to have an excuse for going through his stuff- “hey I wanted to pack it for you, so I had to know what was there”. I put his clothes in garbage bags…there were so many bags.

    I then took a few bags, boxes, etc to his parents house every day. He would get pissed off. He would say “I don’t want that now, just wait until I come get it.” I just kept bringing it to him. I did not want it in my house anymore. After a really bad interaction with him one day about this, the next day I delivered his porn and sex toy collection…..the box that contained it had a big gap where the flaps wouldn’t close. It was clearly visible what was in there. I am sure his religious parents were none too thrilled to see the bi-sexual porn video that I placed on top of the pile!

    The day the divorce was final, I loaded both my truck and my car down with the final few boxes which contained things that could be/ were valuable. Took the truck over, unloaded it, then the car a few minutes later and was done. He came over with his brother a few days later to get the bed (because his brother wanted it), but would not take his TV’s or the other furniture that I could not move myself.

    This spring when my town had the annual junk pickup, I drug the TV’s and furniture out to the front lawn, and some dude in a truck with a trailer that was driving around collecting peoples castoff junk for reselling/ reuse (folks do that around here). This fellow noticed my bottle trees in my flower bed and noted the type of blue beer bottle that I had used. When I told him that I was needing more bottles since a couple had broken, he went and found some in his truck. So I basically traded my ex’s leftover crap for five beer bottles!

  • I am continually gobsmacked as to how the cheaters among us have so many of the same character defects. All the crap they leave behind is just another one. I had to rent a 30 cubic yard dumpster. I got the idea from this site! It was a great idea. So worth the money. I threw out so much crap. It was cathartic tossing it into that giant trash container. Had a massive garage sale for some of the other stuff, and finally, since I’m not a complete Jackass, I did pack up his personal things. But since he’s a complete Jackass, he stalled for weeks and would not come get his things. Luckily, the city scheduled bulky item trash pick up a couple of months after the divorce was final, so I texted him to get his items by that Monday, or they were going to the curb for trash pick up. He finally got the massage and got his clothes and stuff.

    I’m loving life without him. My new house is so clean and organized without all his emotional and physical garbage. All the clutter is just another piece of negative energy they bring home. So glad to be done with it. Bonus: I can park my car in my garage now!

  • I didn’t know this was a “thing!” I fought with the X’s hoarding shit forever, especially his Grandma “Honey’s” blankets! The day after I kicked him out in January, I see a charge from our joint account for $3700 for a storage locker AND a renewal of his OkCupid account. Fortunately, he did take most of the crap; only a few things left.

    I did the last “junk” closet last weekend, stupidly started messaging him, and it of course ended badly. After that, however, I finally blocked him . . . The condo is clean and it’s MINE!

    • Ack, the storage locker! During the last move we made as a couple, we put stuff in a locker while we found a home. Then, I spent 3 years trying to get him to agree that we could move the stuff out of the locker and stop paying the locker rent. It was a bitter battle. As soon as he left, he got another storage locker–and he has since moved 1000 miles away. I believe he still pays rent on it. Yet, he’s never paid a dime to feed or house or maintain his kids once we separated. His “stuff” has always been VERY important–people, not so much.

  • I moved out quickly. It was physically abusive. In packing my clothes in a garbage bag, I put in his silk boxers by accident. They were in my lingerie drawer. He must have needed them, becuase he specified them be returned in the court documents which are public records! So at the final hearing, I handed them to her, in court! She had a look of gross on her face. I said, “Well, he’s your client and this is his property he wants back.”

  • I smashed our ketubah which hung over our bed into many tiny pieces with a ball peen hammer. It was rather cathartic. Her other stuff I tossed after she didn’t come for it.

  • After I filed, sparkling turd lived here for 6 months. He was staying in the guest bedroom in the basment. Which is like its own little house in itself; full bath, full kitchen, living room. He left all his things in the master bedroom. Every day he would get up and come shower and dress in my bathroom. He was super busy “working” (aka running around with his girlfriend) and he kept telling me he’d move his things when he had the chance.

    About 4 months in, he couldn’t make our sons IEP meeting that had been scheduled for months, because he had to “work”. Oddly he had to “work” out of the office 2 towns over (in smoopsies town) , which he’d never done in our 16 years of marriage…. coincidence? He was going to have a “dinnner meeting” that night and was being “responsible” by opting to not drink and drive, since he’d probably be buying his “coworkers” drinks, so he had “no choice” other than to stay the night.

    That night I took everything that was his and dumped it on the floor in the guest bedroom; His 50 k wardrobe (only the best name brands for him), his toiletries, shoes, hats, books, etc.

    Of course when he strolled in the next evening at midnight he was pissed… oh and apparently I had “lost my mind”. True to cheater form, it was my response that was the problem, not his behavior. Needless to say, he stopped showering and dressing in my room!

    • Forcing him to move to the basement was likely going to be the step I made before I left. I had a mental plan for how I would do that with the last act being the installation of a dead bolt on the bedroom door. Before I implemented any plan (and wallowed in hopium filled wreckonciliation, he died.

  • I never realized he had so much stuff until we had to move out of the house. Eleven pairs of skis! A $5000 guitar he never touched. Thousands of dollars worth of cameras he never used. LOL. Nice to know that this behavior is part of the cheater/narcissist syndrome. Thanks to this board, I have learned that his claim that he is “so special” and in “so much pain over his specialness” that these affairs were excused as he tried to “stop the pain.” Seriously? How dumb was I to buy his BS for almost a year? No, his OW were much younger, had fake boobs, lots of cheap jewelry and mostly were just impressed with his cars and had no problem telling him constantly that he was “special.” I guess I failed on all those fronts. When we sold the house, I was responsible for getting rid of all of the “house” stuff–furniture, kitchen stuff, pictures and so on and he took care of his clothes, toys, and the garage. Mostly he took his toys (OW like toys like cars and fancy skis) and thinks he did his fair share of clean out (laughable.) But in the end, it is worth it. I have the furniture I want in a house I bought many states away from Cheater and OW and he has suitcases full of clothes and a Pod somewhere stuffed with skis and office furniture but basically is homeless. He “had no choice” but to move in with OW as we sold the house. So yes, I am angry that I had to get rid of so many of my possessions (too expensive to move cross country but every time I look for a basket to use or a cookbook I liked and remember it is gone, I have a flash of anger) but I am in a better place without him and OW in my life. I talk to my daughter daily and she is coming for a visit soon. I talk to my mother-in-law daily and she too has visited. Friends have visited or have scheduled visits. He and OW are alone and that is really how they deserve to be. As long as they can both keep believing they are so special, I guess it works. Not sure I see that happening but no longer my problem. I just hope he has lost my phone number by the time his world comes crashing down….

  • I’ve told my story before, but will happily repeat it here:

    I took all of his stuff to a soup kitchen, for homeless folk. Two weeks earlier I had left him at the airport in the tropical climate where we were living, and came home to Australia with the kids (where he stored all his winter gear for winter trips to Australia and other cold climes, at my parents house). It was May, and heading into winter here in OZ – so I dropped all of his clothes and shoes (still all in mint condition, as he’d hardly used them, they were only worn perhaps once every 2 years on trips out of the tropics). Such a satisfying feeling – bomber jackets, brand new Nikes, jeans, sweaters, shirts EVERYTHING went to the homeless. #winning

    Best. Move. EVERRRRR! Highly recommend it ????????

    • Silly cheater let me know the security code to her key safe outside her front door (196804)
      She goes on her 2 week OS holiday with lover boy.

      Hmm – I have a key to her house, what shall I do ?
      (HOT) Chilli Oil smeared all over her vibrator ?
      Swap out her shampoo for NAIR (her head can match her pubes) ?
      Swap out her body wash for (cheap) tanning lotion ?
      Drench the carpets with water and sprinkle alfalfa seeds all over ?
      A kilo of sugar in the fuel tanks of her car and motorcycle ?
      Take a box cutter to all of the furniture ?
      Remove and dispose of all of her “keep sakes” from primary school and beyond ? (she’s a hoarder)

      Nah. There is no need for revenge. Life will catch up with her eventually.

      • How ’bout stuffing shrimp shells in the curtain rods ? A stench that will be difficult to trace.

        • I forgot to add the ATO (Australian Taxation Office) naughty stuff – not declaring income from investments etc (Ya go to jail for this sort of shit)

  • It is bizarre the stuff they want following separation and the stuff they leave. While I was in the hospital with our daughter 24/7 he started banging on about wanting his stuff. When I would not allow him to have free access to the house he gave me a list… the top was his matchbox car collection that had sat in a box carefully, individually wrapped in tissue paper, in the garage our entire marriage. I did not even learn of its existence until we had been married almost 10 years. The sob story he gave his mother as he set it up in a glass cabinet in her lounge room for all to admire was that I had denied him the right to set it up in our family home………I could not stop him from lying, cheating, painting our lounge room a rediculous Ashley Blue color, buying a set of heavy set dining furniture with equally ugly blue dining chairs, from folding his fucking business shirts before putting them in the dirty wash basket, from leaving his snot on the glass in the shower, from being late to everything, but apparently I was able to stop him from setting up his matchbox cars. It took twelve months for him to collect the rest of his crap including his precious piano and that is only because I got lawyers involved and he had finally secured a new sucker to take him and all his crap. The biggest joke D’day was almost 5 years ago and he has been with the supply for 4 years. Those matchbox cars have only left his mothers in recent weeks and to my knowledge are back in a box in the garage. Oh the irony.

  • Prior to moving overseas, we set aside a few things to store at my best friends house. When I flew back to the US for the divorce proceedings, my friend and I separated his from mine and re-boxed everything accordingly. He was supposed to be there to help but true to form, sent a last minute email saying he wasn’t going to make it because “something had come up” and he’d pick up his things the following week. Also that he had rented a storage unit for the next six months and would “really appreciate” that everything was packed properly and had dry packs to absorb moisture.
    No problem asshole.
    -We cushioned picture frames (with shattered glass) in between clothing. (hope he didn’t bleed too much)
    -We put kitty litter in every pocket, bag, box, nook and cranny to absorb any moisture. (was I supposed to use fresh kitty litter from the bag and not the cat box? hope he doesn’t mind the smell of cat piss on EVERYTHING)
    -We also used slices of bread to soak up any moisture. (mold doesn’t grow or spread in dark places, does it?)
    -Last but not least, sealed it with a slobbery kiss (more like slobbery loogies got sealed inside)

    And now, two and a half years later, I’m not at all ashamed.

  • I didn’t have to dispose of anything. In what I consider to be my mightyest move, I demanded we sell our place as neither of us would be able to afford it, then moved out ahead of the closing date taking only the things I decided to keep, which was very little. I decided on a complete reboot in a new state and stuck him with all our photos and most of the furniture from our long marriage and was compensated for a good part of its value in our separation agreement. He’ll have lots to look at to help him remember what all his lies cost, and I got to pick out new stuff without factoring his “taste” into it.

  • There was one piece of advice that my lawyer gave me that boils down to “don’t be an asshole”.

    As tempting as it was from time to time I wasn’t.

    Like many, Mme YogaPants was very attached to stuff and was rather a hoarder. But when she left (and stripped the house of antiques, collectibles, art etc) she left a huge amount behind. So chumpy old BT boxed it up (plus other things I didn’t want that reminded me of her) and left it for her to pick up. For 8 months.

    One important thing though is that during the financial settlement, the “marital property” generally is evenly divided. If you throw out stuff you could be liable for the – possibly imaginary – value of it. If on the other hand, you can ensure that the crap that your cheater “gets” offsets the value of what you want then it’s all for the good. In my case rather than going through every bit and bobble we just agreed that the value of what she took was similar to the value of what was left behind.

    If you have a cheater who insists on going through the house shopping, make sure that if you can, have a list of what they can and cannot take. I’ve also heard of people who hire a cop on “pay duty” to be present. That can undoubtedly keep conflict lower than it might be otherwise.

    • The Keep the Peace police detail does NOT go through the house, at least not in Massachusetts. The detective told me to make sure everything he wanted that we had agreed upon, was loaded up into one room at the point of exit.

      I assured the detective that we had made a property list of items. I also had sent him 3 weeks worth of pictures of other items in case he had forgotten other available stuff. He chose not to respond to any of those picture emails claiming he couldn’t go by pictures and had to go through the house cupboard by cupboard. Because you know, most of that was grandma Buckley’s stuff. So I didn’t add anything new to his list. Told him if wasn’t on the list, he wasn’t getting it.

      He knew that there was going to be somebody here to oversee the process but he had no clue it was going to be a cop. My attorney and my therapist both advised me to let him know it would be a cop so that he would not escalate once he got here. However, using my better judgment, I did not tell him because he would’ve refused to come that day and would have delayed the whole process.

      And boy did he escalate. He came alone and the truck wasn’t big enough so he couldn’t bring everything. I donated everything to Habitat for Humanity two or three weeks later. He’s still insisting on coming to get his stuff. They’re all alike.

      My attorney really didn’t want me to get rid of his personal stuff but my therapist agreed with me when I said…Consequences.

      I gave away his fishing poles and his winter clothes and his beloved dresser that’s been handed down from generations (a piece of junk that’s cracked down one end and chipped all the way around as Officer Bob noted) is still in the back room, and if he behaves I may give it to him. He’s going to flip when he realizes he has no winter clothes. But like Officer Bob told me, when asked, there was plenty of room in the back of the U-Haul for his poles and clothes. He chose to leave them here just so he could feel entitled to come back and get it whenever he so pleased.

      I’m supposed to give a flying fuck about poles and winter clothes and grandma Buckly shit, when he’s been whoring around the whole 30 years he’s been with me, pissing away our money and stealing thousands from his father who was in late stage Alzheimer’s and had agreed to let him pay their bills and clean out the house to prepare for nursing homes. Elder financial exploitation is what’s going to get me a nice settlement agreement.

      And once the divorce is final I’m going to dump copies of those bank statements at his sisters house, his brothers house and his cousin’s house (he was the estate attorney). Won’t they be floored when they find out he bilked the estate out of thousands of dollars. Money they would’ve had after his parents passed away. The sister who took him in for the past eight months because he had nowhere to go.

      The timing couldn’t have been more perfect – this all came to light 24 hours before I was due to verbally discuss our separation agreement negotiations. At first he reneged on everything and then I snuck in 2 mentions of his stealing from his father (not a word more than that- between the lines you motherfucker) and all of a sudden he was giving me almost everything I wanted. Guilty ! ????????????????????????????????????????????

      • I had a nice off duty officer to supervise as well, before the finale. Some years later, he claimed to recognize me at a deposition he gave in a case. I did not remember him at first, but he remembered me and wanted to know in front of a room full of people where we had met. I said he was mistaken, but no, he knew me and said so. Afterward, in the elevator, I told him where we had met and why it was a shit thing to say that in public. Did he really want me to say that we met when I was a domestic violence victim, and he was escorting me into my home to get some clothes and things in safety?

  • I found cleaning and purging therapeutic. It was something I could control when he was doing his best to make our children and I homeless. He was court ordered to stay out of the family home. Which also put me in the situation to do the clean up. Exhausting but preferred. He was constantly threatening to come and empty the house behind our backs. Or to move back in with the OW and her kid while we were at work and school.

    I had a little fun with the process. Packed the belongings left them on the front porch. Included some surprises like the sex toys he bought us and teddies etc. If she liked my life she could have my hand me downs. Tossed in some happy photos of us and some of the love letters he wrote to me.

  • Asshat was too lazy/busy to take his stuff. Occasionally, I would leave a box or two in the driveway when he would drop the girls off. I’m sure he loved driving up and seeing his shit in boxes in the driveway…his things deserved more respect than that! What the neighbors must think! Anything he specifically asked for, I went through to make sure he hadn’t stashed money or other goodies in there. I did find cash and some “business cards” in his golf bag. Score! A few things made it into my fire.

    The day after he finally left, I installed my security system and he was never welcome in my home again. I didn’t change the locks, my girls have keys so it would be easy for him to make a copy. I just make sure the girls do not share the security code with him.

    Happy dumping, chimps!!

  • Mine took what mattered to him – mainly his tools – a suitcase of clothes, and abandoned. For the three months it took clueless me to realize the woman he had moved directly in with was not just an old work friend and I got legal permission to change the locks, he was coming to the house taking things. Weird stuff: he left behind the $250 worth of diabetes testing supplies we’d just bought, but took his high school trumpet. He took the big jar of peanut butter and emptied the freezer of bread, but left behind ALL photos and mementos of our kids. I emptied him from the rest of the house into Hefty bags that were “gently” pitched into the morass of the garage, making sure to salt wedding invitations, years of cards to me he’d signed “Always,” and other marriage reminders into his stuff.

    After a long marriage, and being in the same home 30 years, he’d stuffed the big garage with crap. He brought a gutted, rattletrap, old travel trailer to the house, parked it in the driveway for two weeks, while he cherry picked the garage, then walked away from the rest. I had to hire a trash removal service that could handle toxic waste as what he left behind were many old TVs, computer monitors, car batteries, gallons and gallons of waste car oil he “was taking for recycling,” and other such junk, costing me $500. He did not help at all with moving out and cleaning the long time family home and acre yard to prep for sale.

    He’d always been a selfish ass, this just drove it home.

  • I had an auction house pick up everything of size and value less than 3 weeks after he abandoned me. Smaller things and garage-sale worthy items were simply donated even though I would have gotten a couple thousand dollars more for all of that stuff. I had no will to deal with anything smallish.

    During his act of abandonment, while I was safely away from the scene on a business trip and had no idea that he even wanted a divorce, he had taken all the personal things he wanted and took loads of college text books to the dump himself (all the while exchanging lying e-mails with the oblivious me about airport shut downs and delays through ATL). Oh, and he stole a gift he had given me years earlier in order to send it to the 25YO European co-worker in whose country he now lives permanently.

    He took what he wanted and left me the entire contents of the 5000 sq ft house, 30 years of accumulation, to dispose of. I had to make all the adult decisions, sorting through family camping gear and sports items that brought back burning memories, deciding what to do with our wedding dishes, figuring out all of the real-world stuff while stupid little Peter Pan ran far, far away from his responsibilities. Right down to the very end I had to be the grownup and deal with real life and consequences while he did exactly what he wanted.

  • Ex took stuff that was mine or stuff that was just ridiculous before the property settlement.
    Things like my perfume , my lingerie , cases of Starbucks Frappuccinos from Costco and every single bluettoth speaker in house .

    When the property settlement was finally drawn up and signed he had until September 17 to get all his shit out …..

    Again , he took the stuff he thought I wouid be upset about and left all his kids pics , his family photo albums , his work awards , over 150 ties ( most still with prices on them ) an antique radio he had since he was a kid , and boxes and boxes of random crap .

    He was so busy being petty and thinking we were gonna get back together that the large ticker items that were heavy and he needed help moving he also left …of which I was happy .

    Onve he realized I kinda tricked him into thinking I may reconcilate , he was livid and wanted all the large stuff he had left behind .

    Nope . Too late.. it was way too late and months after Sept dead line

    I ended up selling some of his shit , giving some of it to Good Will and a bunch went out to the curb for bulk trash Saturday .

    What I found so ironic was all the stuff that should hsve meant the most to him ie pictures of his kids , his family , career awards , meant nothing to him

  • Just about a month ago, I sold my wedding dress for $1 at my garage sale. Felt good to get rid of it. And at that price, it outpaced the value of the marriage (thanks to ex fuckwit).

    • A friend gave a young little neighbor girl her wedding gown to play dress up ! The girl pretty much destroyed it and that summed up friend’s marriage to a narcissist who left her for a much younger “Christian” girl.

  • Wow, mine was a hoarder too! Small things would be squirreled away or broken things moved to the basement\garage to somehow be fixed. He took all wedding pics and all pics of us…after I piled them up that night. He flipped when I did that. Think it shocked him that I was fighting back. Right before his move, I piled all clothes, left over memory \”love” items, all jewelry he gave me, any gifts he gave me, his toys, etc in a trash bag pile and off they went when he left. Anything I found after went to goodwill. Took me a WHOLE day on a Sat to clean the garage. There were multiples of so many things! Things I tried to donate were magically back there. Trashed what I could and left on the curb the rest…taken by other local hoarders. I did this all myself to stop him from finding out locks and garage door were changed. Even the day before the divorce 6 months later he was shocked to find out. Dumb ass! They live in their own world where why on earth would someone I abandoned change the locks?!

    • I know! My Ex used to make nasty comments about my housekeeping, but when he bagged ass, I was left with a garage that was piled high with all kinds of junk, with some good things hidden in the piles. It took me several days to finally get all the trash out. That was supposed to be “his place” to hang out.

  • He abruptly moved out a month before our 25 year anniversary. Within two months I bagged up every article of his clothing and all items that were specifically his, and placed them in the garage, near a vehicle he left behind. Long, expensive, ugly divorce, finally settled two and a half years later. It still took him over 6 months more to come retrieve the car and his things. Ironic, considering he never let me get rid of anything of his. Once he cleared out the garage he asked for a bunch of music CDs. He actually threatened to take me to court for them. I honestly didn’t care to keep them, I just wasn’t willing to sort through them and get them ready on his timeline. He wasn’t entitled to them, as I got the house and everything in it per our agreement. I was happy to clear out more space in the cabinet by handing over the CDs I didn’t want anyway. Photos, or copies of videos of his three children growing up? He’s never asked.

    True to Narc Cheater form, there is a pile of junk on the side yard still. This weekend I have a friend and her husband coming by to load a trailer and help haul it to the dump. I look so forward to completing the clean sweep of him from my life. Still trying to figure out the best way to get rid of my engagement and wedding ring, and convert them to cash.

  • Like Lefthimatairport, I have told this story before, but it has a lovely theme…

    On Dday, I found all the Chinese tea OW had given him, dumped it in the toilet and pooped on it.

    After he died, I found a CD of photos of OW…I put it into a poopy diaper my grandson had just soiled.

    I was in full grief-stricken widow mode when I had to deal with most of his stuff…we had been in wreckonciliation and I had yet to find the proof of his serial adultery, so I wept over almost each item. I wept over him when he was alive, I wept for him when he died…when I found out that he had lied for decades, I couldnt squeeze out a tear…my heart turned to stone.

    My mens’ hoarding tendencies are opposite of what I see here – my cheater was not a hoarder but my sweet newhusband is a sentimental semi-hoarder.

    My new husband was forever sad about an antique coffee grinder his X took then later purged. He had bought it in Berlin and he felt so cheated. We had to reclaim the whole experience to heal his heart, so we went to Europe and looked for coffee grinders. The Berlin ones were expensive so went to a flea market in Prague and bought one which is sitting in our kitchen as we speak.

    Guess who cant afford a shopping excursion to Prague…his XW…neener neener.

  • My EW (Divorce Final Just 31 days ago) was a cake eater in various ways but not of the flip-flopping of wanting to stay kind, for very long any way. She was only a cake eater in that sense for about 2-3 months before she wanted to get her plan into action of bolting from me after 17 years and then OM could work on his plan for leaving his W.

    In regards to this post today, she acted like the BS spouse in many ways, with her entitlement, resentment, anger towards me, etc. When the Divorce process (She wanted D, I tried to reconcile after several D Days) was a few months in and she was starting to pack for a move to her new house when divorce would be complete, she was tossing out just about everything sentimental we had between us, even cards I kept that she gave to me for our Anniversary, notes I had written to her, etc. Again, almost like she was the betrayed one and couldn’t stand to see the stuff. Only thing I can think of was it went totally against the narrative she had come up with that we were going to get a divorce anyway, she really didn’t love me like a wife should have and I didn’t love her like she needed. The cards and the messages detailed otherwise, as recent as the Anniversary the year before when she told me I made her the happiest person and she was looking forward to the next 112 years together.

    The one that took the cake in my mind was this. Even though things were headed south in a hurry, she wanted out and I was trying everything I could, for our Anniversary, I bought a mason jar, decorated it with things she loved and put in 365 notes, color coded with categories of like “why I love her” “where I wanted to go with her (trips)” “something to make her smile”, etc. With about 200 notes left in the jar, she ripped off all the decorations, dumped out the notes into the trash and packed away the jar so she could keep it and use it for her own purposes. I could write a novel on the things she did and said through the year we lived together after the D-Days and during the 6 month process of Divorce but that one instance was one that highlights her attitude throughout all of it.

    • Sorry you endured such disrespect. Glad you’re free of her disorder.

      The thoughtful gift you gave her of 365 notes? The stuff Chump dreams are made of.

      Stay strong. Stay kind. You deserve so much better.

  • Major Crap:
    To make a long story short, after many attempts to play nice, I hired local movers to take the stuff from my property to his property and deducted the cost of the movers from the final settlement payment. (Thank goodness my lawyer insisted putting a line in our agreement that withheld the final couple of thousand dollars until he had met all the other parts of the settlement.) He had purchased a new home (furnished) and thus could not be bothered to take his stuff out of my house–but, he demanded that I preserve it in “mint condition” or be sued. The amount of drama entailed in getting him to take ownership of his crappy furniture and mounds of boxes would take another 1000 words to explain. I was still being chumpy and was still afraid to stick up for myself. Most of it, of course, was due to his desire to stand in the middle of a three ring circus all the time–serving as its ring-master.

    Minor Crap:
    It still lingers–like a piece of legacy furniture he begged me to hold on to for the kids, but now the kids don’t want it, and the EX lives in another state–but getting rid of it would now annoy the kids. When I move myself in a couple of years, this piece will be donated to whatever agency will pick it up, because the kids will be gone by then, and I know they won’t want it enough to stuff it into their own little apartments, and it will not trail me like an albatross to my next home.

    Crap that Has Taken on A Life of Its Own:
    When the EX left state last year, he invited the kids to take some of his stuff–resulting in useless crap that I once managed to dislodge returning in the hands of our teenagers. I think of this stuff as the equivalent of bad memories. You can push them aside and focus on the good stuff happening now, but occasionally something reminds me of him (or causes his crap to wander back into my household).

  • I packed up our entire marital home of 23 years when it sold ALL BY MYSELF. I left everything of his in a pile for him to come collect. I threw nothing of his away. I left him with that task. And…..there were a few joint possessions I gave away or donated and he actually was furious at me for doing so. I was doing all of the work and making all of the decisions. I was making sure the house was clean and presentable when there were showings. I was doing it all. Yeah…..I really did give a crap if he was mad. In our 23 years years together he accumulated many “collections” of shit that he just wouldn’t ever part with. Including, but not limited to, novelty t-shits, periodicals, license plates (from the year he was born from every freakin state), Nascar collectable cars, etc. But people…….yeah he had no connection and could part with them real easy!

  • We had two houses, the family home I was living in and a log cabin vacation home that he still lives in (as far as I know). When we separated, he moved the stuff he wanted to the cabin. Of course, being a disordered fuckwit, he left behind sentimental items the kids had made for him, took his old photo albums from high school and college but no pictures of our family. When I decided to divorce him, I asked for all of my family pieces from the cabin, even things I knew I ultimately didn’t want or need. It gave me piece of mind knowing he and his stripper gf (now felon fiance) weren’t eating off my grandparent’s dishes even though I have no use for them. Once I had all of my things, I asked him if he wanted anything from my house. He had a small list and then said I should deal with anything else of his in the house. Nope. That would be wifing and I didn’t wife for him anymore. I gathered everything of his that still remained at my house, minus anything I wanted to keep and piled them up in the garage. If I had a box handy, I used the box, otherwise, whatever it was went into a giant, unwieldy pile. I didn’t include any of the homemade items the kids gave him over the years. He had his chance and didn’t want them so I kept them. Except for the “world’s best dad” coffee mug. That I took a hammer to. We set a date and time and at the appointed time, I opened the garage door and left him to it. I watched out an upstairs window, giggling, as he trudged back and forth carrying the last of his stuff to the truck.

    Seeing that pile of shit (and the stuff I left for ex as well) I didn’t want or need in my life going out the door felt so amazing that when I sold the family home and bought a much smaller place, I did the same thing. I piled anything I didn’t want or need (gifts from ex and his family, clothes, wedding gifts, literally anything regardless of value) on my living room floor and my realtor had a crew come in and haul everything away. I told them I didn’t care what they did with it – keep it, sell it, throw it away, as long as I didn’t have to see it ever again. I probably could have made some money off it but I didn’t have the mental or emotional fortitude to deal with it just then so I didn’t. No regrets there.

  • I sold my engagement ring and bought a gorgeous Labrador retriever that my ex didn’t want when we were together.
    He’s awesome, and the best money I ever spent. That dog has brought me more joy than my ex ever did.
    My ex fully restored a 68 firebird that he asked for in the divorce. Did he also ask for the entire shed full of parts he had for that car including the original motor?? Nope.
    Sold= profit to me.
    He asked for the vintage Wedgewood China we were given as a wedding gift. He won that too….except that it was Lennox China. Read the back of the plate.dickhead.
    He got the “imaginary” Wedgewood China….I sold the Lennox dishes.
    Sold=profit to me.
    I just this week qualified for and refinanced the marital home with now over 100k of equity.
    Profit to him=zero.
    Burn party for all the other shit…..including my wedding dress.
    He’s an asshole. My kids, my dogs and I are happy to be rid of him.

  • It’s funny… I should’ve seen the red flag of a “light mover” when we were dating and he moved in… basically had the clothes on his back, an XBOX, a computer, and his toolbox. He was 36.

    Ironically, he pretty much left with the same. He was 46.

    I also sent him packing with some furniture – our bed… no way I wanted that relic of memories. And, as time went on, I replaced furniture in the house so it felt “new” for me and gave him our old stuff so when my son visited his Dad, the space felt more familiar.

  • i put all of his shit in the garage, especially the old smelly recliner he basically lived in. I gave him 24 hours to pick it up. He got half of it before time was up, I had the rest picked up and taken to the dump. He came back a few hours later and was livid. Said he had to make more than one trip. Oh well….guess I shouldn’t have laughed, but I did… I did keep the wedding pictures though. They are wrapped in butcher paper and shoved in a corner of a closet. I don’t know if the kids will want them someday for a laugh? All of his yearbooks, cards, letters, awards etc went right into a bonfire. I felt like Tom Hanks in Castaway dancing around that fire. Every now and then a letter or notice comes and I throw it in the garbage. Its not my fault if he didn’t change his address with all of his contacts. My mission is to scrub this house clean of his stench. There are only a few things he ever touched left in this house….All new furniture, linens, appliances etc.Everything has been repainted too. Dug up everything he planted and put in what I wanted in the first place. Now this house is mine and mine alone. No stench of him left anywhere

    • Lol — “every now and then a letter or notice comes and I throw it in the garbage.” My cheater moved out way back in April. Recently a health insurance claims notification came with his name on it, and it — accidentally, of course 🙂 — “came open” on the way to the garbage. I saw lots of lab payments for STD tests and had a good laugh. Not sure if he’s afraid he caught something from Schmoopie or someone else… So glad he’s not my problem any more!

      • Between Exhole moving in to his parent’s house with OWife and the divorce…I had a stack of mail for him. I got tired of writing return to sender or wrong address on everything so I just tossed it all in a basket. He would regularly call me or leave a message bitching that I was stealing his mail by not forwarding it all to him. *eye roll* Cost me a few bucks to send it all to his place (addressed to OWife so she’d be the one to open it) and make sure the change of address form was sitting on the very top.

        • All he has to do is fill out a change of address/please forward thing online. Stop being his secretary. If he wants his mail, he will do this thing. If he doesn’t, throw it in the trash.

  • Good will! Anything he gave me that was worth value (jewelry, wedding rings) was pawned. I didn’t get much but IDGAF I was just happy that token and reminder of his betrayal was gone. He was awarded tools and tool boxes in our divorce because that was all he asked for or had any value to him but had 30 days to come get it and never did. So when I moved into my new house 1 1/2 years later and paid movers to move the shit to my new garage he tried to say they were his and he wanted them. My response you have nothing that is yours at my house. I had asked him many times before that to come get his crap but he refused and told me to get rid of it.

  • 3 hours after her husband knocked on my door to share the news off our spouse’s months long affair….I made a siazable donation of his clothes and personal items to her “crazy cool” hippy consignment store. Then, I posted the photos on FB for 400 of our closest family and friends to see, introducing them all to his “awesome new girlfriend!” (with both him and his side chick tagged…along with the business.). I had been a regular at her store for nearly 2 years…along with my husband, 7 year old and new baby. The skirt I was wearing on d-day came from her store. Donated that and a bunch of other crap from her store, as well. No regrets. One of the best things I have EVER done. #they suck

    • Oh, I love your story. What a powerhouse you are! I wish I’d thought of tagging them and introducing them to everyone in Facebook land before I unfriended him.

  • I’m one who moved out of the house; I had the choice to buy it or let him buy it, and I opted out of the responsibility of upkeep and repair, and for the freedom not owning a place right now gives me to move–plus, because I’d been the one responsible for upkeep and repairs, I knew what needs fixing, and I didn’t want the expense. This means that I’m the one who has to deal with moving “stuff.”
    It’s been difficult, really, to go through 35 years of married life, 27 in the same house, and decide what to box and what to toss, and so I’m still not fully out. One reason it’s taking time is that I will only go over there when he isn’t there; it’s hard enough to see my garden and what I had remodeled and decorated, and to see it transformed (or in the case of the garden neglected). I have, however, set myself a deadline. I don’t want to get my share of the house from him until I am fully out–not so much because I think he’ll toss things, as because it doesn’t feel ethical for me to keep things there once I no longer have a financial stake in the house. I suppose I should get over that; he would if he were in my shoes.
    I know I will end up leaving him with some things he will have to toss, such as construction debris in the basement left over from remodeling–I have several times gone through and tossed old material but haven’t gotten to it all (and of course he never helped me or took the initiative to get rid of it himself while we were married). I’m sure he will now, because one of the shit sandwiches I’ve had to eat is to see him become proactive about the house now that it’s his, and know that the reason he never pitched in before was that he was never committed to being my partner. Another lesson, not that I needed yet another one, in “trust that he sucks.”
    Naturally I am the one who was “the keeper of memories,” so that has meant going through file drawers, where I found a copy of our wedding invitation and announcement–which I left on the bed for him to find.
    I’ve put things that are mine to deal with in “the spare room” (our grown son’s old bedroom), and will eventually have to figure out how to fit them into my much smaller apartment. I took only the furniture with me to my new place that I inherited from my family or bought with money inherited from my father, and I actually left him some of my family’s furniture, and everything we bought together while married–I want no reminders from him. He was very selectively picky about what he cared about, and it was odd stuff or stuff I would never have thought to take with me–his mother’s silver and dishes, for example.

  • I didn’t really have this problem with my cheating husband. I had this problem with my beating husband.

    Anyway, he got all his crap out of my house fairly expeditiously. He made an effort to take everything that belonged to him, returned things of mine that were mistakenly in with his. And then there was sentimental small crap that got left behind. I got a box and every time I ran across something of his that he left behind or he gave me, I tossed it in the box. On the morning our divorce was final, I tossed the box and contents on his back doorstep. I rarely run across anything else of his. And I am SO GLAD I purged his remaining shit, because that stuff still seriously triggers me.

    He never gave back anything I gave him.

    On the anniversary of the day we met, I shredded all the pictures in our wedding album and used it to line the kitty litter box. Catharsis.

    • XW was weird like that also. She was willing to lie and cheat on me, but as soon as divorced she all of a sudden became super attached to things that I gave to her as gifts over the years including simple stuff like a desk lamp that actually sat in the garage gathering dust for the past ten years. They are so cuckoo.

      • Oh, he’s not attached to anything of me at all. I’m sure everything I ever gave him is in a landfill somewhere. No. He is convinced I was so thoroughly horrible and deserved to be discarded wholly and completely to make room for his replacement wife appliance and his new replacement Family, which he is attempting to merge with our children seamlessly… and they’re young enough to not really resist because “she’s so NICE, Mom.” Nice…. but not so kind as to stay the fuck away from someone else’s husband.

        Nope. When I was married to him, I truly believed he was a much better husband/ dad than I was a wife/ Mom.

        I no longer believe that.

  • I hauled most of his personal items to the garage and had him come get it and then leave his keys and garage door opener. If I found other items, I threw in. Oz and would put in driveway when he came to pick up daughter.

    I moved out last week (he is moving back in) and I left more boxes along with the crap I asked him for years to get rid of (but he never did).

    I gave away to charity gifts he gave me and plan to sell the jewelry (including engagement ring).

    Best was when he kept texting me because he wanted his Christmas ornaments. It was in the original pile. He kept accusing me of throwing them out. Funny because he always mocked me for decorating for Christmas then those ornaments became this huge thing for him. Disordered.

  • Exh2 The Evil One went through his man cave, storage closet (water heater room), shed, etc the day after “the big talk/reveal” and made sure he took every last thing when he moved out.
    I came across our marriage certificate and promptly burned it. If I ever need a copy of it for whatever reason, I know where to go to get one

    He left behind Christmas ornaments and crap from his family over the years, which I promptly burned as well.

    He left behind miscellaneous wires and busted bits from his Shiterado, which I took to the recycling center for a couple of bucks.

    He left behind photos of us, which I put away, for now. The only thing he asked for was his scrapbook I had started for him years before. The cover itself cost 50 bucks, so when he came over, I had already taken the pages out of the cover and he was mad that I wouldn’t give him the cover, LOL #petty but fuck that, he can buy himself another cover for his Schmoopie pie wifey Mrs dumbass to make.

    He left behind an Autistic daughter that regressed to the point that I truly thought I had lost her completely to her ever achieving any level of independency. She grieved for him, as shitty of a dad he was, and I will never forgive him for working her up one afternoon to the point to where she was trying to climb out of a window to get to him all the while she’s screaming, “daddy! Daddy!” And the looks at me and says, “have fun!” And drives off.

      • That’s who he is, The Evil One. Three years later, and I still call him that. Evil is as evil does

    • Three years later, and DD still gets agitated and upset when it’s time to go for visitation. She’ll protest all day at school, “No! No daddy’s house! No (Mrs dumbass)!”
      When it comes time for her to get in his truck though, she goes somewhat willingly, but she still doesn’t sleep well over there, nor is she able to relax and feel comfortable there.
      I’m still shocked that he has kept up with visitation this long, my friends and I had a bet that he’d give up after a few months.

    • Oh yeah, I forgot to mention how even though he had two full tool chests, he still found it necessary to take even the basic 8-piece tool set I had had long before I met him.
      Asshole. He left behind the broken battery operated drill, he left behind four broken mowers —- I had to have a yard sale to pay the water bill a couple of months after he left, about a week later he blew up my phone angry I had sold them because he needed them to mow his slut shacks yard. He left behind the rusted out smoker-grill, but took the brand new gas grill-smoker I had bought him for birthday/Father’s Day, knowing damn good and well he was about to leave. Dick.

    • I’m so sorry.

      My 22q 34yo son still and always will live with me. He raised him from 3 yo on.

      The discard is so convoluted…over massage parlor ho-workers and Craigslist hookups. “I wasn’t happy.”

      Yet, prior to discovery day, he was trying to convince me for a year or two that my son should be the main signer for a new mortgage (since he had ruined our credit).

  • He gave me a list of what he wanted. I put it all in the garage along with anything that was clearly his and told him the day and time the garage door would be open for him to come retrieve his stuff. One of the benefits of selling the marital home was the deadline it imposed.

    At the last minute, he insisted that ‘kitchen table’ meant ‘kitchen table and chairs.’ Okay then. I moved the chairs into the garage, too. I lined them up and spit on each of them.

    I didn’t box anything up or make it easy in any way for him. Imagine stacks and stacks of unboxed books. I was not there. Locks were all changed so I felt safe with that approach. Apparently, he had a perfectly miserable, stressful day packing and carting away. He made sure to complain and whine to me about how hard it was and how long it took and how he was crushed for time. I just laughed.

    He has asked multiple times for family photos. This is what I hear or read when the request is made: “Blah blah blah blah photos blah blah? It’s been a couple of years and I have never responded.

  • OMG this is perfect timing for me. I’m doing this. Or trying to. Our signed MSA says what we have in our possession stays in our possession and I’m in the house (it’s on the market) and the MSA also specifically said I get all furniture.

    Then I got an email from him asking when we were going to figure out The spilt of who gets things like washer/dryer, pool
    Table, refrigerators, tools, etc all the way down to coolers. Coolers?! I ignored the email.

    I’ve given him boxes of his CRAP like work stuff and Mementos but per MSA he’s really slap
    Outta luck.

    I’ve decided if it makes it easier for me I’ll give it to him. If not, sell it or trash it.

    Now I’m going back to read all the creative things I’m way to paranoid to do!

  • Target has inexpensive clothes racks that are pretty easy to put together. Once we decided who was keeping the house (me), I put these together and set them in the garage, and started moving Douchebag’s hanging clothes out to the garage which is heated and cooled, and which I made sure was clean. I put the wool stuff in plastic so moths wouldn’t get to it. I boxed up all the other stuff which is clearly DB’s and which I want nothing to do with. My attorney made it clear I cannot change the locks on the house until the divorce is final, with the result that DB continues to troll through there often, texting me about what he wants, and I box it up and put it in the garage. Weird discoveries during this process. An entire dresser drawer full of Brooks Brothers socks still in the packages. Drawers full of designer underwear still in the packages. WTF. Cleaning this stuff out was therapeutic, as if I am cleaning out an infection, and the more stuff I put in the garage, the less reason DB has to troll around the house. My friends make fun of me for being so nice, but the last thing I want is accusations that I destroyed his stuff prolonging the divorce dispute. Whatever he doesn’t want, I am going to donate to a women’s shelter, in the interest of transforming the shitstorm he left behind into something positive.

    • I totally understand your desire to steer clear of accusations of destroying his property and the importance of following your lawyer’s advice, but make sure your settlement has an end date for how long you have to house his property and allow him access. And the minute that date passes and the home is yours, shove those racks and boxes out to the kerb! Your description of the lengths you are going to in order to protect his stuff in pristine condition suggests you are still a prisoner to chumpiness (been there, done that). Having the physical space free of his crap is nice, but having the psychological space he’s taking up free is priceless!

  • It took my six months and change to move all my ex’s crap into a shared storage unit; starting with literally dozens of bottles of custom-designed nail polish. I packed scores of greeting cards, pieces of costume jewelry and reams of old receipts for date nights, dinners and travel expenses. Clothes of course, her guitar (so Schmoopie could teach her some other licks, ugh), a PC tower she hadn’t used in years. Those were urgent requests, naturally. I was waylaid by EMERGENCY FUCKING SURGERY for a couple of weeks; she never bothered to visit despite my 11th hour plea (Yeah, I know, I know), but eventually it all got done with the absolute barest minimum effort on her part.

    I kept some stuff; a handful of birthday and Christmas cards, pictures of friends and their families I’ll never see again. I suppose I kept these just for some tangible possibility that what we had for so very long was in any way real. Those are packed away in my new storage; perhaps to test my own resolve to not re-open the wound. Maybe I just miss them all, from time to time.

  • My XH was a sociopath and hoarder. He would hoard thousands of receipts – especially from Costco – where a receipt is not necessarily required. Also, National Geographic magazines. When he left, I must have pulled hundreds of those magazines from every closet and drawer (even in the kitchen and garage). He was an abandoning cheater and left with the items he needed to move in with his whore – saying he was having a midlife crisis, but no other woman was involved. He left me the shit to clean up…his shit specifically. I had shredded for days and didn’t make a dent; finally, I took the receipts to a professional shredding company and paid by the pound – 5 remaining pounds of Costco receipts. The magazines went to recycling.

    His personal possessions I had lovingly boxed up and placed in the garage…until I learned that he had a whore. I then put his shit in the garage unboxed where it sat for months on the garage floor before the lazy bastard removed it. We’re talking Fiesta-ware dishes, panini maker, Christmas ornaments he demanded in the divorce. I hope it was covered in a think layer of desert dust and scorpion shit. I had to hire an attorney to tell him to remove his shit as when I moved out of the house, his shit made it look awful and we weren’t getting reasonable offers on our house.

  • It’s funny, no matter what the topic, cheaters really all do go by the same playbook. My STBX had been cheating on me for about 5 months and one day last January stated that he didn’t want to be married anymore “he was done”, after 14 years together one 6 year old daughter and my son who he had helped raise from age 5. He swore up and down that there was nobody else and even stated indignantly “they said that you would say it was someone else, it is not always someone else”. (not sure who “they” are). Needless to say, in April I got ahold of his checking account statements for the last year, and knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had been carrying on an affair for months flying back and forth to another state, shopping sprees, travel, ect ect. I also knew exactly who it was, a former ho-worker, “who was just a friend”. Later a family member found pictures on social media of their twu wuv in action, on a trip to Mexico. He of course denied it despite knowing that I knew without a doubt, cue the gaslighting…eventually admitted at least to me the truth. But continued to tell family members “we grew apart” and “I felt like I didn’t have a wife”, “she spent all her time on our daughter”; cue blameshifting… so back to today’s topic, when he walked out in January, he never came back. Dumped everything of our life together from the mundane like his underware, clothing, to more to specific items like his childhood photographs, oh yeah and his 6 year old daughter and 17 year old stepson. He just bought EVERYTHING new, and I have the bank statements to know. He literally erased his entire life with his wife and family right down to his undies. Of course I was left with all of his former life. Some of it I destroyed, which was wonderful for anger management, some of it I donated (all his super expensive designer clothes), gave my teenage son his pricey colognes, and threw away a ton. So in the middle of my deep, deep grief I was managing all of this plus the sale of our home. I could have refused to do it, but I needed out and wrapping it all up fast allowed me to completely separate and buy a new home. I am grey rock now and for that advice C.L. & C.N. I can never express my gratitude enough; it helps sooo much. Still plenty of pain, from introducing our daughter to Narci-slut, to struggling with his poetic license of our history together (yes, yes it was never good, painful neglect and torture for him for all 14 years). Unfortunately, he has decided to come back into the picture and be super dad to our 6 year old (but dropped my son like a hot potato). I know supposedly it is good for my daughter to have a relationship with her disordered father, but can’t help wondering if it will just lead to more hurt if/when he gets bored with the super dad image management. Anyhow I work hard everyday to move myself closer to meh, some days it feels like it is just over the next hill. Most days it feels so far away. Don’t want him back but still struggle with the trauma of it all????.

    • Same.Same.Same. Almost exact story here one way ticket. Last August 27th, out of the blue my husband of 15 years said he was leaving me, but there was no one else. Friends prompted me to dig, so I did. Found an affair with a howorker (11 years younger, married with 2 and 4 year old boys) whom I had always felt he had a crush on (I know her). He said his leaving me had nothing to do with her, but rather he hadn’t been happy with me for years and fell out of love with me. He said, “you should’ve known I wasn’t happy.” He also said I was “ too busy” taking care of our 12 year old twins, working, cooking, cleaning, exercising, and I had no time for him. And she would “listen” to him. I totally own my part that I could’ve made more time for us, but there was never one time when he planned on a date or made us a priority. I planned a surprise trip to the Dominican Republic for our 10th wedding anniversary as well as other surprise getaways. Nada in return.
      Same narrative to family members,”we grew apart.” Bullshit. When I asked him why he never told me his feelings or tried to fix it he replied, “cause I didn’t want to.”
      And, sticking with today’s post, he is an absolute hoarder and I can’t wait to get rid of his junk mail that is greater than 5 years old. I’m sure he will leave it for me when he moves out finally 9-1.
      He bought a 5 bedroom house about 2 miles away. He is a total Disney dad, but it very involved with the twins. Image management.
      I didn’t find CL and CN till months later and I read her book in 2 days. I couldn’t believe what I was reading and finally, something that didn’t make me feel like it was all my fault!
      I was all in RIC for months. I tried EVERYTHING to win him back and pick me dance. It did nothing but further humiliate me and lower my self respect even further.
      I wanted so bad to believe the RIC and Esther Perel, that he was just in the affair fog and would be back, and that our marriage would be stronger than ever!
      But no, he sucks and is a POS. CL and CN saved my life. I would still be in the fetal position right now if it wasn’t for them!
      I ordered a mantraband for myself that says, “Bloom where you are planted.” I didn’t choose to be planted here, but fuck him I’m gonna bloom!

      • Oh, one other thing. He tells the kids, “I deserve to be happy and no one should have to live a lie. Be true to yourself.” So yeah, they totally are fine with dad leaving which makes the hurt even worse.
        I was in therapy with them yesterday and therapist made me feel so horrible that I am no contact with their father except for talking about the kids (he won’t leave the house until the divorce is final. He doesn’t want to pay for his place and half my mortgage, so he has been emotionally-torturing me by living in another room. Nothing like having an anxiety attack everytime his phone pings or constantly wondering why he is late home from work).
        The therapist said, “oh well did your lawyer tell u to do this?” I just said “yes” and dropped it cause I could tell she wanted us to talk and be all nicey nice for the kids. I would still be smoking hopium right now from all the mindfuckery if I still talked to him. Just over Fourth of July he asked me to go camping with them. I thought he wanted me back! He finally realizes what he has lost! Oh no, he surprised me in court the next week with a second appraisal on our house showing them I owed him more money to buy him out. I asked him why he was being so nice to me asking me to go camping and all and he replied, “I have no feelings for u. I think of u as the babysitter.” I went NC immediately which is difficult living in the same house. It creates a lot of tension, but I had to get my head out of the mindfuck blender.
        Newbies: Believe CL and CN!!!!! Trust they suck!!!!!!

  • Cheater ex took everything he “wanted” at initiation of divorce proceedings and “gave”the rest of his crap, to me (so generous!!), which I kicked to the curb for “bulk waste pick-up.” Every so often, though, he’ll email or text asking for some random object….like the “Christmas ornament from [his] mother” that he emailed me about last December. I just ignore/delete those emails/texts.

  • This is a timely question. This weekend, after 5 years, I finally got someone to take the furniture Jackass left in my basement. None of the charities will take sofas or chairs unless you deliver them and I’ll be damned if I was going to rent a truck.

    He was going to “send a truck,” you know, because of course he couldn’t face me. Goodbye, Jackass junk. Hello, home gym.

    • I”ve written before about taking all the stuff that would fit in my SUV to a local storage locker, 5 or 6 trips in a polar vortex, well-below-zero weather. Paid for 2 months. He couldn’t even be bothered to let me know he had picked up the stuff or to send me the expensive lock I bought so I had to go back and check the unit myself. That was enough to make me despise him, right there.

  • What he took: Mostly everything that belonged to him. Half the furniture, a bunch of kitchenware (including good napkins, silverware and glassware for dinner parties that he was dreaming of having with the OW and the “people who matter most to them.”).

    What he did not take: Nothing for the children. I am the one that divided their clothing, their books, their games, their stuffies and other toys. I put together a drawer tower of craft art supplies. I made sure that the kids had things so that they wouldn’t be sad at Daddy’s house.

    What he did not take: Any of his personal documents. I have all of his income tax returns, insurance papers, investment papers. Yey for me in getting what’s required for the legal separation.

    What he did not do: Wipe the computer of the OW business and personal financial information for all the accounting work he did for her. Shut down his email accounts, thus allowing me access into his emails. I shut down that after the first month because information I found when checking confirmed that he did leave me to be with her, took her out of town to a hotel when he said he had no money to give for the kids. It was making me ill, so I closed off his emails.

    I would have walked away with what my children needed and all my documents long before I would think to take the silverware. What a fuckwit!

  • So interesting how their duplicitous minds cling to stuff, not people.

    Mine had a 2,000 square foot office/workshop full (full!) of things like the boxes from every computer and electronic gizmo he’s ever (ever!) purchased.

    It took X’s friend who is a professional heavy equipment mover to get all his stuff out. As far as I know most of it probably still lives in storage somewhere.

    Chumpy me packed up his stuff from the house, including more than 100 blue T-shirts, in labeled/inventoried boxes which I then stacked neatly on pallets in the aforementioned office/workshop.

    I didn’t want to be accused (in court at $800/hour for the brace of attorneys) of mishandling his flotilla of socks or his unread Viet Nam combat books.

    Or all the lovely, thoughtful, or useful gifts I’d given him over the years.

    As soon as X had his stuff out of the building, I rented it to a guy from church who pays me $1000 a month for storing his (similar!) man junk there.

    I use the money to do fun stuff with my kid. ????

  • It’s interesting this topic comes up now. I’ve spent the last 3 months or so sorting through what I wanted and what I left. The marital home is pretty much the way I left it when I moved next door into the small cottage next door.

    I took things that might be useful to me and rented a storage container to keep it in until I can decide what to do with it. I kept the King size bed I paid for. The blue flannel sheets she took her pussy pics on, I left the beagles use for bedding- I’ll burn those. I spent 2 days going through every box in the house looking for things that belonged to me. Gifts I’d bought her I left there.

    She has decided to rent the house to a neighbor. It has a pool. He’s moving in on next month. I told him I had boxes he could have to load her shit in. She took her tablets and a few clothes when she bolted with Camperboy.

    In Feb this year, the water heater ruptured and I installed a new one. I was still living in our marital home. $500 my cost. I told her by a text her half was $250. She said she’d have to make payments that she didn’t have $250. About a month ago she texted me saying she wanted to talk about ‘additional things I was taking from the house’. I told her to bring me $500 and we’d discuss it. Shrew came back with ‘You know I don’t have $500!!’. Then proceeded to try to broach the subject again. Me- same gray rock reply as before. Very shortly after that exchange, I totally blocked her from communicating with the exception of a direct visit or an e-mail. Haven’t heard from her since.

    Well, one exception. I had a female friend stay over and the xw shows up the next day with our grandsons to visit next door at the marital home. Reason? Nosey? Jealous? Don’t Care.

    So the house is still full of her shit. There are 1 or 2 antiques. I pretty much left anything I’d gifted to her, and anything she had going into the marriage.

    I came out pretty good on the settlement, she gifted me 4 acres with a pond and the cottage. So I have a place to live. She did come and take an aging Jack Russel terrier. Guess she talked Camperboy into it. I can imagine what the inside of that thing looks like.

    So when it came to the material things she did own, it was mostly image management shit left over from her blowing all the money from her prior husbands estate.

    One note of interest, during my shake down inspection and possession gathering stage I did find her burner phones, hard drives with family pictures and a few other telling bits and pieces about her infidelity. It just confirmed what I dreaded to think about from Dday. It also sealed my contempt for her and helped me to go completely NC. No more pick me dancing.

    So the sitrep now is my neighbor, who is moving in has to deal with it. He’ll probably sell what he can, keep what he can use or give away the rest.

    The fact that they will leave behind pictures of the past is telling about how shallow they really are. I’m so glad she is gone. I hope to never see her again.

  • The POS ex refused to leave the home once he and his rich sow were both served so my lawyers told me that I had to move out to have the custody trial and divorce process continue.

    I was so fortunate to find a rental property in the children’s school district. Then my lawyers told me to take everything I needed for the children’s and my new cheater-free hone.

    So I left all his shit and anything tightly associated with him behind. My sister took all the wedding photos and put them in her trash bin. I ripped up any wedding pictures at my parents’ home. With their glad consent. And I burned everything that I had kept as souvenirs for planning for the wedding. The dress had long gone to Goodwill after a horrific row about his drinking. I plan to sell the wedding rings and put any funds towards fun activities for me and the children.

    I am in the long process of purging him from any photo that he is in. The POS, his rich sow, her 4 children, and his horrid family (who completely support his deception and discard of me) have plenty of access time to take their own pictures with the children.

    It is truly a miracle that I found out about his 3 year double life with his rich sow and was able to clean every vestige of him from our home. he is not allowed to cross the threshold!! Not now and not ever!!

  • Perfect post for today. I want this out in the interwebs for everyone to see my ex-cheater troll and his narc mom’s disordered cognitive dissonance. After 25 years, 3 homes, a dozen vehicles, numerous pets and TWO children this is the list I was served from Ex-cheater-troll’s lawyer hired by his mommy (note he is a 52 yr old man with nearly a 30 yr government career in law enforcement): 2 guns, 1 saddle, 4 tools, 1 set skis, 1 dining room table for 12 gifted by his mommy and 2 childhood photo albums of HIM made by his mommy 40 years ago, and…..ready for it…..COFFEE MUGS! This man hasn’t drank coffee in the entire 25 years we were together, EVER! I literally laughed out loud reading this list of demands, however no mention whatsoever of his children (ages 22 and 20) and anything of their lives or our family life together, NOTHING! It was extremely painful to explain to our children that he wanted nothing from or about them. This is literally listed in the divorce settlement. The day I got the call from ex-cheater-troll’s mommy’s lawyer advising me he is filing for divorce (granted this man ran away, shrugging off his son’s sobbing embrace and lying that he will be in counseling with me and his family) I hefty bagged and boxed everything that was “his” and put it outside on the lawn where it sat for over a year in all four seasons of elements. I went nearly 99% NC except for emails about legals and waitied for disorderd to figure it out. Divorce dragged on for over a year, in some ways its still dragging as we have property to sell and divide and still NOTHING from ex-cheater-troll (and his narc mom) for his kids. I DO NOT PLAY

  • We had to meet with a mediator just prior to going before the judge. I asked for a dumpster to be paid for by him. I brought photos.

    I did get awarded the dumpster. The facial expression on the mediator was priceless!

  • I find what I did funny now though I was super angry when it occurred.

    My dad came up a few days after d-day and changed the locks on my house and the garage. Meanwhile, I packed up all his things in garbage bags and threw them in the back of my suv. Cleaned the house of most of his things in about 2 hours. Later I met him at a Big Lots parking lot. I told him this should be all of it and go ahead and throw away your keys. They aren’t accepted any longer.

    During the divorce proceedings, I gave him the opportunity to come get anything he wanted out of the garage or the dvds/video games. He never did or seemed interested. I never pushed it.

    Once the divorce was finalized, I had a huge yard sale and sold his remaining things. I remember a guy looking at UFC video games and was like, hey someone here a UFC fan? Not anymore, I replied. This is a freedom from losers sale.

    I still laugh about it to this day and have no regrets.

    Chumps, I highly recommend that if you keep the house redecorate, remodel, paint. Make it feel like yours. It helped my healing process to make a home with so many memories mine. Two years later, I’m getting that same home ready to sale and move on to bigger better things. All the improvements are paying off now.

    • “freedom from losers sale”

      Love it. This might be the push I need to go ahead a hold a garage sale- which are such a pain.

    • Now I’ve finally finished the big de-clutter of his shit I’m making a start on redecorating. It feels amazing making all those decisions myself. I’m making it just mine. My plan is to sell in 2 years and have a place that he will never have and never will set foot in. I can’t wait.

  • I miiiiiiiiiiight have burned a few things, though they were technically mine. If this thing ever ends, I’ll share the artsy photos of the burning, which were very satisfying to make.

  • My exh didn’t hoard anything. He was neat and orderly. There are a few odds and ends, but other than that he didn’t leave things behind. I am the only thing he left behind. Should I call myself the “crap” he left behind? Whatever. I can tell you this much; I am doing what I can to preserve myself. I have gone back to school for my degree and I will be continuing my education. I take care of myself and refuse to stress out about anything. I stay away from toxic people. If I am forced to be with toxic people, I minimize their impact. I’m making plans for a future.

  • When my ex decided to cheat and leave we had to sell the house. So I cherry picked what I wanted and the rest I made him deal with. You want to be with schmoopie and sell the house then you can take care of all your crap and fix the things you should have been taking care instead of hanging out in bars with the ho worker. Take that asshole

  • My best friend and I took everything he owned and placed it in the garage. I then changed the locks so he could never enter MY house again. It felt so great to purge! As soon as it was all gone, I felt sooooo much better.

    I later purge everything on the family computer. He eventually asked for files…so sorry not sorry its gone.

    He asked for pictures…no not sorry, I always ensured a camera was there for all of our life events…not him. No rights to those.

    • I bought an external 2TB hard drive for work a couple months before D-Day. Before heltt, he insisted on getting files off of it. Before I allowed him to, I copied everything onto a work computer.
      I found a couple of “locked” files and was able to unlock them. Nothing court-worthy, dammit.

  • I’m currently living with all the crap- hoping to go through with a garage sale soon which is such a hassle, but I want to get rid of this stuff.

    XW didn’t want to have anything to do with emptying out the house before sale (part of her resistance to the reality that I was divorcing her) so I had to do it on my own. I even had to box up most of her clothes for her and drive them to her. I needed to prep the house for sale so I did it. It actually felt therapeutic. All the leftover stuff I had to haul out and put in my rental by myself. Got it done. But now I need to get rid of it to keep her from thinking I’m going to hold on to it for her as some sort of storage shed for life.

    • Instead of a garage sale (unless you want the money), just take it Goodwill or call a charity to pick it up. No hassle and it’s gone.

  • My D-Day started with me discovering that the Douche had been cheating on me for years. I was working from home, he was at the office until 5pm.

    The middle of my D-Day was spent calling in sick to work, renting a storage unit, and putting everything of his that I could carry into it.

    My D-Day ended with me handing him a key and asking him to leave.

    It’s now 8 months later, I’ve emptied out and staged our home and we’ve accepted our first offer. I took what my daughter and I wanted, and moved us both (and the cat) and have been living in a nice home in a great town for a little over a month. He’s still complaining that all his stuff wasn’t where he thought it was, and still texts about “where is my passport”, “who is my primary care physician” but I’m grey rock AF. Part of the divorce agreement we’re mediating includes payment to me for my time on the house (repairs, cleaning, etc.).

    It’s taken a long time to see it, but I’m a fucking badass.

  • Oh, where to start… He left with two cabin bags of his clothes. Like he was going on holiday. Everything else was left…. 18 years of living together and he left it all, books, trainers, his drawing stuff, his 2 kids…
    I knew when he and slutface were moving out her flat (couldn’t afford the rent!) so I ‘kindly’ bagged it, loaded the car and dumped it in her street (with help from a passing young man that I asked to help me…) for them to take with them back to her parents house. I got moaned at because there “wasn’t enough room in the van” and they were “moving into a caravan”….!
    Still a whole bookshelf of books that I gifted to the local bookshop and received payment for some rare books!
    Sold his large and staggeringly insane collection of airfix scale models on ebay – made over a grand! There was over 80 kits in the attic.
    Donated his insane and staggeringly and unnecessary large collection of Nike trainers to the homeless football charity scheme!
    He stole a brand new pair of Dr marten boots he gave to me for my birthday one year to give to slutface for her Christmas, so I thought it only fair others should benefit from his shoes too! (she is literally walking in my shoes!!!)

    The rest of his crap I boxed up randomly, gave him the shit boss with pages ripped, cut holes in the rest of his clothes and not so nice trainers and couriered it up to her parents house as a new year gift. That was cleansing! I then heard he was fuming that I had the audacity to do this. He never told me where he was moving to but I found out… Mwah hahaha!!

      • I had clothes disappear as well. Including a nice new sundress I had never worn that disappeared from the closet before I’d removed the sales tags. At some point, the asshat admitted to giving it to the OW. It was better than she could afford, and he was quite sure that her boobs looked better in it than mine would have. He probably took credit for my good taste too.

        • Long story – but Miss Piggy ended up with some of my clothes too. And a pair of cowboy boots ( which I gave her before I figured out she was fucking my husband )!

          She has a good 60lbs on me. So, I can’t imagine that she looks good in my old clothes – but she so desperately wanted my life…..

          X was a hoarder. We constantly moved and each time I tossed box after box of crap ( plastic plates from University and frayed place mats ). He collected stuff – but nothing specific that could be worth anything .

          My new place is very small and cozy. No room for clutter!!!

          • Yes! I tossed endless items that came right back in the house. Purple bellbottom jeans, and the like. In the end, I lost 75% of all that crap. Three moves later, I have so much less junk. Not his anymore; I just keep shedding mine.

    • Me too, I took all of MY stuff and the kids stuff and left him with half of the main room furniture. But what he didn’t count on was that all the cutlery was mine from my deceased grandmother (NOT leaving that!) and the plates/pots/pantry containers were also all mine from before or christmas gifts (bless my Step-Mum’s tupperware consultant!) not leaving those either.

      Honestly, the best thing I EVER did was leave that house. I will never forget the peace I got moving into my much shabbier and MUCH smaller new rental. It was MINE. These days i live in a house similar to the one I walked out of and again it is MINE. He has never tainted these walls and he never will.

  • This is inspiring! One more task I need to do is go through the 5 boxes of physical photographs I stashed in a closet at my last move 5 years ago. “I need to go through these some day,” I said at the time. They are from my whole lifetime, including the 17 years I spent with Passive-Aggressive-Whiny Manchild.

    The plan I’m forming is to invite over my best girlfriends, mix up some Margaritas, and have them help me go through those 5 boxes in one hopefully MIGHTY session.

    My relationship with PAWM spanned the transition of photos from paper to digital, and I did purge the computer one long-ago drunken, pissed-off night. I remember the feeling of hitting “delete” on over 700 pics–this was before Meh, so the amount of time I’d invested, the wonderful travels and stories many of those pics represented, the lies now so plainly depicted in others–all resonated deeply and with pain.
    I kept playing and singing along to Grateful Dead: “Just one thing I ask of you…Please forget you ever knew my name.”
    Nonetheless there was a feeling of cleansing.

    So yes, I will get to that closet soon. It will feel great to have more storage room, and to have cleaned out every last trace of that part of my life!

    • I love your idea of having friends over and drinks to deal with this purge. Years ago (pre-bad-marital-decision), I lived in a region with earthquakes. After a substantial one did a number on a bunch of us, one friend suggested we each bring cleaning supplies and go from house to house as a team helping each other out. It was such a smart idea. No one agonized over whether to save the broken tea pot and try to glue it together–we just swept, bagged, tossed, put the books back on the shelves, etc. and moved on. Your friends can help you do the same (though stopping to add a mustache with a sharpie to a few photos before putting the on the “burn” pile might be worth the time.)

  • My ex-hole is presently paying for a ‘POD’—one of those huge metal storage things for people to load up and perhaps hold in storage for a move. If only….it’s now August and said POD has been parked in my driveway since early December. Lawyer says I can’t toss his junk—he was famously known for decorating with recycleables, like every special wine bottle or empty beer can he’d want to place around for sentiment. I just want the freaking pod out of my driveway, though my neighbor who has a big ol’ pickup truck, hawled the POD back with a chain so I could at least park my car in the garage.

    • Holy crap, he’s paying for a POD for 3/4 a year to store ‘recyclables’?? WTF? Insanity. Does your City or neighborhood have any HOA rules about how long that can sit there? Maybe they can send you an official ‘letter’ that it must be moved by xx/date. I’d visit City Hall and see if you can’t find a ‘helpful’ Vehicle Abatement Officer 😉

    • Keeping that monstrous pod in your driveway is a deliberate attack on your psyche, a perpetual violation of your boundaries, to control and aggravate you.

      Pls remove it and regain your rightful control over your own territory.

  • Married 20 years. DDay #1 to divorce final was about 4 1/2 months. The marital home was listed for sale just before the divorce was final. I had an excellent attorney and the mediated agreement left me all furniture and possessions except those specifically listed by ExH. Well, ExH was either lazy or thought I wouldn’t hold him to the agreement as he only claimed a dozen or so items, including a bookshelf he’d made. So as I came across his personal stuff (yearbooks, cards, birth certificate, etc), I put it on the bookshelf. When he came to get his belongings, he didn’t bring any boxes or containers to pack the loose items. He was stacking books, magazines, and breakables unsecured in a small moving truck that he borrowed from a storage facility. Idiot!! Glad I didn’t have to deal with unloading that mess! For the furniture that I didn’t want, I donated most to Goodwill and gave a few things to friends. But I also launched a few items that he made into a dumpster and that was VERY therapeutic!!!!

  • I went the roll-off dumpster route. 30 yards worth of his crap and I do mean crap. Plus several trips to the dump. Like most of you, I was left to clean up the mess. I’ve got most of it under control finally. It feels so much lighter around the house now. I just need to finish the garage. I need to take a bunch of half-used oil, lubricants, paint, etc. to the hazardous waste facility. I will be parking two vehicles in the garage this winter instead of zero vehicles! Score!

  • Fortunately, I wasn’t living with the bastard, so most of the crap he gave me I just gave to Deseret Industries (LDS Goodwill store). I had to get my crap back from him though, which admittedly wasn’t much, but it was mine and I wanted it. I told him that I made some key changes in his USA Jobs online resume. He couldn’t write for shit and wanted me to fix his resume for him. I actually did absolutely nothing to his resume, but he’d engaged in so much mindfuckery, and I was full of rage at that point. I also told him that I wanted my stuff back and if I didn’t get it, he wouldn’t want to find out what I would do next. Which was also absolutely nothing and a completely empty threat, but he didn’t know that. I also told him that he might want to think twice about giving passwords to women that he plans to jilt.

    In retrospect, I realize that this wasn’t really taking the high road, and if I’d known more about narcissism and sociopaths at that point, I probably would not have done it.

    But what happened in the end? I got most of my stuff back. Not all of it, but most of it, and I figured that was good enough. I also still had the 9mm he left with me. I kept that and he didn’t demand it back. He’s not a Rhodes scholar, but he’s not completely stupid either.

    • I don’t know if this was the “high” road or not, but it was a route worth traveling! I love that you did nothing but used the claim that you had to manipulate him into reasonable behavior!

    • You spoke to a narc in his own language : threats and manipulation. There is no other way with these sick creatures.

      I also did not know anything about narcs but by instinct I started to gaslight my evil abusive narc-borderline snake of an ex and voila, a nasty raging wolf turned into a meek confused lamb, and I was able to carry out my exit plan very smoothly.

  • I am fortunate that the house is mine and that I have such great sisters and friends. D Day was on a Friday and by the Saturday night we had removed all of his belongings to the garage. (I think the sisters were just making sure I didn’t change my mind) 7 years of living together cleared in 24 hours. I have not let him back into the house as it is the one thing I can control.
    Although it took him a while to collect everything and his sister was a bit shocked when she popped round to pick up some clothes for him and left with her car stuffed to the roof! Also had some odd requests along the way – he has a sentimental attatchment to his desk calculator!!

  • After I discovered the Owhore I had him sleep in the basement. After 8 months (waited for house title to be changed to my name only) he left day before I changed the locks. Like a gypsy he piled his belongings, mattress, etc in his car. lol

    I immediately threw out all of my wedding pictures, album etc which really hurt. I’m still after 2 years going into the garage & finding tools, junk that was his to give to garbage truck. It seems after 34 years there’s no
    ending to horrible memories he left behind.

    Hope I can some day find peace instead of anger & bitterness in my heart. I’m try though…????

  • Very timely post. This morning Toss That Junk showed up with a dumpster for the final garage and basement clean out.

    I made sure that our separation agreement had a deadline that he had to get his things out of the house. He is a Hoarder. I kept it under control and out of shared living spaces. The basement, which he had as all his, was filled with boxes of crap he had saved for decades that was worthless. He came to the house 2 times to take a carload and then the night before the deadline he showed up with a U-Haul (alone because he wouldn’t dare bring anyone near me to hear the truth) and got out what he could. He didn’t dare ask for furniture, tvs, etc. He knew that I had bought them all.

    He left such crap behind. We had had a flood in the basement. He got an insurance check and then, of course, never followed up and had it fixed. There were bookshelves destroyed that he left. And a bunch of garage/tools type things that he had taken from his sister’s ex when they got divorced. It’s all going into that dumpster!!!

  • Hey, y’all, quick question. How do you do paragraph breaks in your text? Okay, so I systematically donated, sold or tossed virtually everything he had left behind that reminded me of him. Aside from photo albums of our daughter growing up that, of course, include photos with him, everything else is gone. Replacing all the tainted stuff with fresh, new things that have no associations with him and no compromise involved in the choosing — it’s like making a statement about my own self-worth every time.

  • I burned every single wedding picture of us, every single mushy card he ever gave me, every single picture that we were in together because it was ALL FAKE !! I had a fake life and a fake marriage to a fake man.

  • I filed last October, he agreed to move out got his clothes/bathroom crap/office crap out in December but still left a bunch of crap behind. It has been in our third garage since. I have asked him at least three times in past months to get it. I figure when the divorce is final I will have my lawyer write a letter forcing his hand to finally put it in a storage facility. I keep adding to the pile when I find things here and there. lol!

  • I did not keep the house, but I had a number of months alone in it after Cheater X was removed from the premises by law enforcement and kept away by restraining order. I separated every bit of my stuff from his stuff, packed mine up along with every photo I was in. I left his shit where it was after retrieving all the things of mine he had hidden in his drawers and locked in his office and such. I left everything he’d ever given me, including cards and letters and tacky clothes. Took my furniture and our wedding china, cleaned the house, photographed the clean house with time and date stamp, and never set foot in there again. Then he started asking for stuff I did not have. Like the Blaupunkt radio he took out of his Porsche to replace it with a more expensive system. I expect he wanted to give it to the OW, but I figured he’d have to find it first. It wasn’t that I didn’t know it was in the second drawer of the dresser in the guest room closet; I just didn’t feel required to keep track of all his random stuff anymore or tell him where to find it.

  • Reading throgh these comments and I’m noticing a bunch of these fuckwits left with no paperwork – didn’t take, nor ask for, and financial records, tax documents, legal paperwork, nada.

    Mine was one of those types and I wonder if it’s a combination of my always having been the one who took care of records and the paperwork of the family, his not wanting to be bothered to comb through the stuff to get the required info for the divorce, and just another way erasing my existence – no record of me to clutter up his new life, no reminders.

    He was married before me, quite young, and first wife died after three years from a immunodeficiency disease. He never mentioned her, never contacted her parents again, left ME, as a 20 year old new bride to go through the few bags left from her and decide what to do with a few pieces of jewelry, documents, personal items, pictures, and even her effing wedding dress. I thought it was odd at the time but now realize he was a bastard then too. Didn’t want to deal with it, so ignored it. Took her insurance money and bought himself a new car though.

    God, **facepalm** I was clueless at 19 to get involved and not run for the hills when I had the chance. Older and MUCH wiser now.

  • He tried to delay taking his horrible, half-broken “home gym” out of the basement of our house, after I had agreed to buy him out of the place. I knew how that would go. He would move out and never get around to taking that ugly monstrosity out. Then it would be my problem. So I said, “Nope. You need to get that out of my basement today.” When I was coming home from work, I caught sight of him leaving the side garage that day with the last piece of it. I could tell by his body language that he was PISSED about it. Well, color me heartless, dude.

    • I’ve still got one of those, too! I’ve been debating what to do about it. I don’t know why he didn’t take it. After all, he used it 5 times in the 10 years we were together.

      • I just listed this weight machine on Craigslist free section: Weight machine left my by cheating husband. You can have it for free if you come take it apart and haul it off.

        I hope it is gone tomorrow.

  • 2 weeks prior to DDay, STBXDick bought a used BMW, unbeknownst to me, while he was on the opposite coast for ‘work’. He then asked me & a friend to go pick it up at the dealer. We did. (I know, chumpy me 🙁 2 weeks later he arrives home to deliver the ‘I want a divorce’ speech, then returns to other coast. After a few weeks of shock, I got angry. I emptied his closets, books, paintings, anything that was his that was inside the house and stuffed it into that MFing car. I also left a gun on top. There was only room for a driver and that sucker was riding low, low, low. I never said a word. He arrived again in a few weeks to pick up said vehicle and had to unload all his shit, unexpectedly, at his brother’s house, an hour away. Hahaha!
    (That BMW, within a month, had the check engine light come on, the front bumper fell off, and it got hit in a parking lot…Bad POS Car Karma!)

    It’s possible that several items met up with a hammer or an X-acto blade.

    This still left the garage and shed with his hoard of crap (including the empty boxes of any electronic equipment he had purchased ‘in case we ever moved’? um, same house 28 years). In the coming months I filled up those USPS ‘if it fits it ships’ boxes and dumped anything else I found into them. All those bins and jars of screws, nails, washers, wrenches, screwdrivers, in they went. Any mail, including junk mail. CD’s/DVD’s, junk drawer contents, everything that would fit, with a topping of GLITTER!! I sure wasn’t going to sort through it, didn’t want to see it or store it. I shipped them off one by one to his NYC apartment. The larger items I stacked up in a corner for him to collect.

    He actually wanted me to do an inventory list so he could pick and choose what he wanted (couldn’t remember what he had.) Lol! No. He then wanted half the money from any garage sale I had (after I’d done all the work!) Lol! No. Turns out I would have split that $5.00 with him. I gave his shit away for free! At the very end, staging and selling the house, I had to pay ECOHAUL to come get everything left behind and dispatch it all to the appropriate charities/recycling. About $500 to get rid of it all.
    $500 well spent! STBXDick did have a scheduled opportunity (2 hours) to come clear out anything he wanted, not an infinite block of ‘shopping’ and wandering down memory lane with his toys.

    I changed the locks and garage code before ever talking to a lawyer, so oooopsy! All I knew was that he was never coming back into that house. Got a temporary ‘Exclusive Use of Residence’ Order shortly after. That’s the first thing my lawyer did + temporary spousal support.

    With all his shit gone, it was clear how little space I was actually taking up, literally in our physical environment, and figuratively, in our relationship/my life. I’m still a minimalist in my lovely apartment, but now I take up All the Space I Need in my life, head & heart.

    • I really like the idea of if it fits it ships. So much junk drawer/nails/screws, etc. Plus top with glitter. Too bad I don’t know his address, lol. Maybe I could send it general delivery?

      • 2old4drama, I’ll have to admit that while a bit petty, it gave me a little smile and a big ‘FU’ every time I sent one of those… :))

    • Excellent point about realizing how little space you had been taking up. My “small” house has seemed just fine since the EX left. One example–while he lived here, one half of the garage had his boat in it. “My half” was filled with his stuff that he promised for 5 years to deal with. Never did. Now, I can park my car in the garage, and there is room for the kids to put bikes in, and we bought kayaks. And I bought a ping-pong table for the kids, and it is up and in the garage. All of us enjoy it! Every room in the house seems similarly spacious and usable now that his crap is gone–crap we all had to tip-toe around. How was I dumb enough to let that situation develop?!?

    • You remind me of someone else’s divorce story, dating back to the 1970s when a top-end car cost about $4,000.

      There was a dumped chump whose entitled STBX has a luxury sports car worth well over $20,000. He told her, “Just sell it and send me the money.” So she did. She advertised the car for $25. A buyer called and asked, “Don’t you mean $25,000?” She said “Nope, $25. I’m just following instructions.”

      So the buyer got a crazy-expensive luxury sports car, the STBX got $25, and the dumped chump was happy to make it all happen.

      • @AC Ha ! I remember that story and it may have been in part, my motivation. I just didn’t care, If it didn’t sell, i was going to pay to have it hauled away. Custom golf clubs? DGAF, take them.

  • I put it all out at the curb for my town’s bulk trash pick-up. After asking repetedly if he took all he wanted. I took picturess of the HUGE pile and did a little victory dance. He still asks for stuff and I say I don’t know… Cause after all, I don’t know exactly WHERE in the landfill it all is!????

  • A 4 hour Keep the Peace detail with your crap in the shop at the back of the house with no access to the inside.

    Double middle fingers to you Porn Star ⭐️ .

    Glad to hear it was humiliating.

    Hope you never forget it.

    I especially enjoyed how you were belligerent meeting my “helper for the day” forcing him to follow you pace-for-pace for 45 minutes because he didn’t feel safe.

    Oops, I gave away everything you left behind. You should have heeded when I told you 5 times to bring buddies and a big enough U-haul.

    Really, showing up hung-over really convinced the cop that he couldn’t allow you in the house despite no court order to keep you out. You made that part easy.

    Restraining order is next since you continue to insist on coming back to the property and the house to get the rest of your shit. There’s nothing left. Get over it. Move on. Nothing to see here.

  • Just remembered something else about “stuff.” There were several daily-use, simple, (now antique) household coffee cups that my in laws had for years and years, for most of their 54 year marriage before they both died. I had known these cups as well as anything I had grown up with in my own childhood home, and so had my daughters come to know them. They were among the items preserved after the in-laws died 8 years ago and they remained in limbo just boxed up in the basement. Asshat took them, rightfully, when he poofed.

    Eldest daughter asked the asshat about where the cups were since he permanently moved to Europe to be with Schmoops. Did he just throw them away? Asshat responded by sending a photo of the cups now in Europe with him in his new swinging bachelor pad. It made me really angry, but not because I wanted the cups nor did I want the daughter to have them (and she was just grateful they survived at all during the Royal Purge of Past Lives that the asshat had performed upon embarking on his new and wonderful life of twu wuv, she is barely in contact with him at all and the younger daughter is super pissed off and largely NC except to tell him he is a dick).

    I was angry because there are exactly 4 people on the planet who give even one small shit about those cups. Only the asshat, me, and our 2 daughters know why they are special or how we will always picture my FIL drinking from them (he was a good man). It made me realize that we have HALF HIS MEMORIES carried with us and yet he threw us away. He has no one to explain where these ordinary cups came from–Schmoops just sees old cups after all, she in only 25YO, about half the age of those cups. Now he has no one to share his past with. And knowing him he will miss that. He can’t go telling the sparkletwat about our camping trips or skiing or about old dishware or about how Grandma used to do this-or-that-and-wasn’t-she-wonderful. Nope. Nothing in common except for strange sex organs, but even those are familiar and maybe even getting boring by now, as his ballsack strives to reach his shoe tops as he continues to age, and as his head hair has now become ass hair.

    I am simple and see those cups as a reason to stay married. It was easy to put up with him when I was oblivious and conditioned to his abuse and we had that enormous shared history. Now it is all gone. Sold for pennies at auction, or with him in Europe with someone who doesn’t care. Schmoops may carelessly break one of those cups and not give it a second thought. Boy that would be fun to watch the rage and passive aggressive punishment channel fire up after that.

    • My aunt recently asked me why I didn’t leave the X earlier. Simple, I loved him and was still in love with despite not being a priority in his life. The two people in this whole world who loved and adored him the most are me and his son. He hurt both of us (his son by being very unsupportive and ignoring him after the son’s bipolar diagnosis). We were hurt the most by the X’s callousness and complete lack of compassion.

      I feel like those coffee mugs – things with a history but things that can be kept out of view and out of mind.

  • Everything he left behind was put out in the driveway with a spray painted sign that read “cheaters stuff“ that was big enough to be seen 100 yards away. Included pictures of him and his new girlfriend having a good time on the board as well. When he did not provide a thumb drive ( in a timely manner) to download his pictures and music from the computer, I deleted everything to free up space for me!

  • First thing was to carefully place the doona on the garage floor (I was crazy back then) and piled all his shoes, clothes -suits & business shirts, nude photography etc & right on top I placed a portrait of me! The cat added some cat fur to this pile as well.

    He picked up this stuff pretty quickly. Never set foot in the house again.

    Later, 2yrs later. Furniture he wanted was sent to his new house with OW. At my direction of course. I even picked out his depressing CDs for him and hopefully OW to listen too. I heard the furniture was stored in the garage & eventually unpacked by him when OW flew the coup 4yrs later.

    He has never asked for any family photos- he has none of the kids. (Does my head in, but typical narc)

    Eventually, I left the marital home & dumped 38yrs of memories on my own. Of course no help from X.

    Moved, with some key items I thought I needed.

    Months later had another clean up & threw out more shit. Placed my wedding dress on the street light outside my house. As I’m clean (see clothes placed on doona) on a coat hanger and went inside, as it flapped gently in the breeze.

    As things curb side never last long I got so curious I peered out the window to find all things gone- except the dress! Bummer.

    As no one wanted the dress and I felt sorry for its forlorn state and exposure to the elements it was eventually placed in the bin. The end.

  • Easy question to answer: Got Junk, Inc.

    This company was a godsend once he moved out! X was a terrible hoarder. This company will just follow you around, take all the stuff you point to, haul it out and take to dump — I now feel like I finally have reclaimed my house!

    Everyone that visits remarks on how much bigger and nicer and cleaner it is, and people now actually come and visit and hang out!

    • My mum and best friend both say this to me constantly. They can’t believe how much cleaner and tidier ny house always is and clutter-free now he’s not there to mess it up with his shit.

  • We separated our living arrangements when our house sold. We had 2 months to prepare for the closing. We divided things and what he was keeping was contained in the family room, his bedroom and his office. I packed, sold or gave away things we didn’t want and organized my stuff on moving day. He did nothing. As my moving truck pulled away from the house, he was carrying small arm loads of papers to his car. I never looked back. The new owners must have been surprised to have him and his stuff still there when they arrived with their truck. The only thing of his I had were pictures. Once I got settled I sorted boxes of pictures and mailed a large envelop to him of every picture that he was in.

    I did all the work during our marriage and I expect he has had to get each girlfriend to do things for him. They never last, so expect they get fed up that he doesn’t do anything. I am so thankful to not have his stuff. I would probably have thrown it out if he hadn’t taken it when we moved. It’s been 7 years and it’s like he was never in my life.

  • The weekend he left I unloaded his wardrobe and dresser from our bedroom and filled a load of bin bags that he took away with him. He left most of it at his mums as he said he had nowhere to put it all at OW’s place he was moving into. Made a big fuss as he left that ‘everything I own is in my car.’ ???? That was just the start of it though.

    After he left I spent the next month he was away clearing out the whole house of his shit. I bagged it all up for him to take when he next came back to see the kids, but he then refused to take it. He said he didn’t know he had half of it so it can’t have been that important and told me to bin it. Apparently there was still no room for any of his stuff. It was a lot of his childhood stuff though and family stuff that I couldn’t bring myself to throw, even if he could. So I made so many trips to the rubbish and recycling centre I got on first name terms with the workers there, they ended up knowing the story, and eventually kept remarking was there anything left in my house at all?! ???? The local charity shops also benefited greatly. And anything I deemed sentimental or irreplaceable I put in the shed. He moved out in February. The shed is still full. I know he’s now moved into a bigger house with her but he still has no intention of collecting any of it. Next step is a storage locker for it all. I’ll pay 2 months and present him with the key on his next visit then it’s out of my hands.

    I did find one of his t shirts in my under-bed drawer and realised I’d been sleeping on top of it for months. I immediately made a bonfire and burnt it. Felt amazing.

  • Since he was the Porn Star ⭐️ , I took all the sexy undergarments he ever bought me along with all the racey little dresses and skirts, walked into his office and through all of it at him and walked away.

  • Town dump. I apologized to the other trash before I hurled his stuff. Things of value, I gave away to worth causes.

    A couple of years later, one of his nephews wanted to know if I still had his sports gear. He said ex told him to ask me. Um, no. Long gone. Seriously? Ex actually thought for one minute that I would hang on to his things?

    • What is it called when small children think nothing happens unless they are present? That people and things just sort of wait in suspended animation until they see them again?

      Why wouldn’t you have his sports gear? You had it last time he saw it.

      • Object constancy.

        Narcissists seem to have a problem with this concept. Like the world comes to a halt when they exit, and resumes as before when they return.

  • We brokered a swap of our items with our lawyers. I boxed up his stuff, he picked his stuff up. He dropped my items off. I opened the boxes to find that he instead of my real items and keepsakes he had gone to a thrift store and purchased cheap items that approximated my real items. My lawyer sent his lawyer a letter demanding my things. In the long run I got none of my stuff. It isn’t worth a court date.

    More fool me. I should have demanded my stuff before I gave him his. But

    • I call that the price of freedom. Sometimes it’s art we chose, or a family heirloom. Whatever it is, it’s best to wish that they use it in good health (this can be entirely sarcastic) and find something else that will be just as dear to you to represent both the cherished item lost and your new life and strength.

      • Excellent way to look at it!

        And I did take my blue Le Creuset pot! For some reason I had to have that. 🙂 And luckily I had a few photos of my kids at my office.

        • What was funny to me was how much the asshat wanted what I had chosen and did not give a fuck about the shit he insisted upon. He stole my camera, which was a gift from my photographer father. He stole my first record, a 45 rpm of the Beetles that contained “Yellow Submarine” and “Eleanor Rigby,” He stole one of every pair of my earrings. But I got my freedom, and I recovered from a dangerous cancer while he died. Now I live in paradise while he lives in Hades. Seems fair to me.

          • It does! The ex feels he ‘won’ the kids, but they have free access to his bank account and credit card. He is drowin in debt to try to win these adult kids over. I don’t care to buy affection.

  • The Alcoholic had absolutely no hesitation taking and selling my family heirlooms for booze and cigarette money. It was heartbreaking to tell my brother why I couldn’t send him the antique toys we had collected together when we were kids, for his children to enjoy.

    The Alcoholic also showed me many times that his definition of cleaning was to never put anything away, then when he got tired of tripping over it to just dump it all in the garbage bin, buy new stuff, then leave THAT lying around until he got tired of tripping over it and throw it all away.

    Never mind that the things he so casually treat d then tossed away included items I’d bought and cared about. “All garbage. Out it goes.”

    But for years he made a big deal about his Boy Scout momentos, including a squirrel tail he’d held onto for 30+ years. Once I worked up the nerve to throw the Boy Scout stuff away, I didn’t give a damn about anything else he left behind. I kept a few things for our kids, like his childhood family photos. The rest of it: “All garbage. Out it goes.”

  • I left the house and only took the things I really wanted. No fighting over stuff and he had to deal with his hoarding stuff in addition to the haunting things I left behind.

  • After DDay #1 (March 2009), instead of going for the pint of ice cream, I went for the shredder and proceeded to shred each and every photo of him/us (except for the wedding album). After DDay #2 (July 2016), he packed up his toiletries, clothes and skipped outta here with the dog, leaving everything else (including me and his son) behind.

    He was sleeping with his boss’s wife (boss didn’t know) and 2 weeks before moving out, began sleeping overnight at her place several nights per week and on weekends (she had left boss already). He left me with a broken washer, broken water heater, broken car and broken bank account.

    While waiting for our court date, he would stop over periodically and pick up this and that as needed, picking up his dress shoes, ties and suit just a couple of days before the divorce court appearance. I gave him that wedding album (consolation prize for pretend 14 year marriage).

    While we were completing our financial disclosure paperwork for the divorce, he suggested that for some extra money, I should sell my wedding ring. In fact, he brought it up twice. I know…sweet and sentimental kinda guy.

    I threw my wedding dress in the garbage, I did sell that ring (and bought wine with the proceeds :), and moved everything else out to the garage.

    After the divorce, I had to pack up all of his remaining items, in addition to giving him silverware, pots, pans, etc. All nicely packed up and he’s all set. He did not so much as take out a garbage bag to help.

    My family came over to help me put my completely destroyed home back in order. I don’t even know how many trips to the dump were made. We cleaned out all his daughter’s belongings, and I had to pay $300 to have around 6 broken TVs, 2 non-functioning dehumidifiers and 1 broken refrigerator hauled away. This does not include all the other garbage and massive repairs that had to be made to restore my home, plus crap in the yard. Did someone say hoarder???

    Next month will be 2 years that he moved out, and my garage is still PACKED full of his crap. I’ve been asking, telling and threatening him to come and get it, but of course, he ignores me. I will be tossing out all of this stuff that belongs to him and the daughter on a Tuesday very soon. Then he can smear me some more!

    Funny that his daughter who lived with us for 11 years, whom I raised and who did a stint in Bellevue Mental Hospital, moved out suddenly in 2014, without saying a word, and left everything behind, too. She was diagnosed with a mental illness, and since they are so alike, I can only assume he’s mentally ill, as well.

    I will take the great advice written here and never have to eat a shit sandwich again.

    I trust that they suck!

    • Call a junk collector to clear out your garage and remove all traces of that ass. You’ll be literally amazed at the mental purging and joy you experience. Meh is calling.

      I hear you about the mental illness. My son 13 is already a creepy copy of his father my XCobra the evil narc who has mostly ‘raised’ him and aggressively alienated me. It started being apparent about 4 years ago and it’s very scary. You need those wackjobs outta your life.

      • Ka-chump – I am loving the junk collector idea! I’m looking up the phone number today! I can’t wait to get him completely out of my space and life. Meh called and wants me to hang out.

        I am so sorry to hear about your son. How sad and heartbreaking. Another unnecessary kick when down. My heart is with you.

        And you’re right…the further away these disordered people are, the better we are.

        • It also may be your step-daughter realized she had to get away from the dysfunction of her dad… At times children are falsely labeled mentally ill when they are just reacting to a toxic parent by depression or addiction. Getting away may be the only way. Look up ‘identified patient.’

          My son (and daughter) spent summer with me, itself a miracle. I used tips from YouTube on how to handle them. It’s sad but hopeful. Eventually they may see the reality of the situation. Either way we can only do our part and pray for the best. Thanks.

          • Thanks for the information, Ka-chump!

            My stepdaughter has always had – and continues to have – a love/hate relationship with her father so I’m definitely interested in reading up on “identified patient” information.

            I do hold on to that hope – no matter how bad it looks now – that someday, our children will see the truth. I pray for this every day, and will add you and your children to my prayers!!

  • I gave Goodwill small stuff. The large items I put along the curb in front of the house with “FREE” signs, during our city wide garage sales. Thankfully (& unexpectedly), people took everything!!

  • My story is different. My boyfriend didn’t live with me (didn’t want to live with my kids, although they are kind, clean, and fairly neat, and me). He had OCD, which wasn’t as bad in middle age as it was in his college years. He was very eager to get rid of the little I had left at his house (toothbrush, clothes, and some cash) both times he discarded me–wanted to ensure that the new partner had plenty of closet and drawer space. My bike left later, a couple of days after I bumped into his new partner.

  • They are all the same shallow, not one of them is deep, it is Fortuitous that today this is the posting I really have spent the entire day selling large items on craigslist ( Who knew you could use craigslist for anything else LOL? ) now a year after our final separation agreement he had 30 days last August to collect his stuff..WE GAVE HIM 380 plus . I love my lawyer ,leverage your ducks ???? and GUILT if you can ladies and gentlemen, having a large moving AND garage sale tomorrow any items left over will be given to Goodwill and I’ll take that tax break thank you very much. Filed last week DS and DD are done with the chaos and clutter too , we are looking for peace and closure OUR WAY ???? JUST WANTING TO get it done. Take care of yourself you deserve it ❤️you are worth it never forget that ????no matter how much they try to make you feel less ????hugs ????love ????and kisses ????

  • When my XW moved out she left behind a half-closet of dresses. I offered to box them up for her, but she forbad me to touch them. After a month or so I came to my senses and realized she can’t tell me what to do in my own house, so I packed them up and presented them to her one day as she was picking up the kids. She went apeshit, accusing me of violating her by touching her stuff, yelling at me in front of the kids that she was going to call her lawyer about it.

    She was trying to exert control by occupying half a closet in my house, and it drove her nuts that I didn’t obey her. At least, that’s what I think happened; it’s also possible that there was some something in there she didn’t want me to see (new lingerie?) and she was worried that I had stumbled across it.

  • There is an organization that recycles wedding gowns into burial gowns for babies that have died. I know it sounds a little morbid. It’s run by women that volunteer to sew these gowns. For instance if a baby is still born. etc. Look up “Angel Gowns”
    I packed my STBX stuff up, packed his car and changed the friggin locks. All while he was out of town “working” He has been back a few times to pick up things. He never really made much effort though. He would take maybe one out of 20 boxes. Finally a few months ago, I moved the rest of his shit to a local storage unit. He got the key from his attorney. He has apparently picked it up.
    However, he is still insisting on doing a walk through to collect the rest of his stuff. Sorry to say, the tools have been sold, clothing donated. The books went to a local second hand book store that actually pays cash. He has had two years. It’s a game/ control issues with these assholes. I’m done playing. You made the choice to screw around, deal with it.

  • The day after I discovered his affair I kicked his ass out, changed the locks on my house and put all his clothes in the garage. I proceeded to destroy anything that reflected my 38 year life with him. My family was so upset with me since I destroyed 38 years of Easter and Christmas memories. I stupidly boxed up all the thousands of books he had. Gave him from July when I discovered his affair until August of the next year to get his crap. It was amazing to me how someone who saved every thing in his life ( I couldn’t get him to get rid of anything) just walked away from it all. Thank God he is not my problem anymore!

    • I wish I would have done what you did. Instead, I wasted three years of my life until he finally left for her. You are mighty!

  • He used to stomp around our too-small-for-five house, barking, “We could get rid of HALF of this crap and nobody would even NOTICE!”

    So I did. And I notice every day how much I like it better without his crap around.

    What I did was, I watched him box it up and load it into our truck. I think he took something like two loads to his new love nest. I lifted not one finger. (I was still in shock that it was actually happening. Seven years later, it’s still so crazy to think, but life is undeniably better.) As I found more things of his, I’d put them in a box or bag and let him know they were on the front porch, and he could pick them up when he got the kids for their weekly (then bi-weekly, which became monthly) 90-minute dinners. He hated that! Too bad, so sad. Once, I put something precious of his at his front door, then ran to my car and cranked up P!nk, “So What.”

    I love not having his crap around. A lot. I broke NC a few months ago to email him about a table he’d left behind, one he’d made, to ask him if he wanted it, and if so, I would leave it on the side of the house. (Very gray rock. No salutations.) He wanted it, and now that’s gone, too. Anything I have is mine.

  • The night i worked out camo cheater wanted out (gutless wonder couldnt even tell me, i guessed it) i called a friend sobbing. She walked in and said “nope, he wants fucking out, well you will show him what out looks like, where are the bags” and we bagged his crap up and loaded his car.

    He kept demanding stuff, some of which he got, most i made sure was damaged. He left me with the clean up effort and then had the nerve to make a complaint with his solicitor. Meh

    Sold his lounge, threw out his baby books and photo albums, burned the wedding pics, i sold nearly everything in what was our 5 bedroom house. I did it in less than 48 hours and he was furious lol (divorce sale! One thing i noticed was when i admitted my chump status, people didnt negotiate as hard as i explained the money was going to set up the new place) he is constantly saying how he was screwed over and he should never have allowed me to have everything

    Got about 2k out of it (camo cheater was a cheap skate and would never allow anything of quality, unless it was for him) and bought furniture i love and adore. Im in a small flat now, he constantly makes comments how his place is bigger, but amazing how i can clean my place in 2 hours and have more fun with the kids…

    Im just thinking now, after the divorce if i should sell my car (would literally be the last thing that had anything to do with him) and upsize….

  • Getting rid of the crap is an ongoing issue. The evil rat???? has been out of the house for 20 months, has not asked for anything, and only took his clothes. I have sent many piles of his things, (that I didn’t want to be accused of trashing), to him. I am left with everything else. For example, 400 bottles of wine, an American artifact collection, antique guns and swords. All will be valued. Bulk collection has picked up piles of debris and trash. As times goes by, It is easier and even therapeutic to toss something in the trash, take a personal item to the thrift store or give something away. As I am stuck in this limbo hell waiting for divorce, he has started dating and is ready to move into his newly remodeled home. I am also feeling like I will be screwed in divorce now. I don’t have anything to base those feelings on , except that the discard was so swift and complete, after being exposed for screwing prostitutes for the last 20 years of our 38year marriage. Meh beckons, Tuesday awaits, I am ready.

  • He packed up 3 Rubbermaid tubs of clothes and walked out. Came back a few times for little shit but left me 20 plus years of hidden purchars(tags still on), porn, pills, and other crap to get rid of.
    I put all of it on the garage and left the door wide open when we moved.
    He had a painting (worth nothing and that I always hated) and a bike frame(15 years old and worth nothing) put in the divorce papers to give to him…… left that shit in the garage too. Who knows what happened to it all…..

  • Mine routinely purges and is a complete neat freak. No items of a personal nature, no attachment to ANYTHING. His car is completely clean. He lives an almost sterile sparse lifestyle. I often thought if he commited a crime the investigators would find nothing at all. I think he developed this habit/routine lifestyle so as not to ever leave any tracks. Nothing has any emotional value. I always thought that was weird (how detached he could be).

  • I sold everything I could — tools, books, etc. He left behind some pretty good woodworking tools–a scroll saw, a band saw, a table saw, planers, electric sander. I would have sold his car if I could have gotten title to it. He didn’t want this crap when he left and he didn’t pay me storage fees, even though he managed to get the divorce decree to say I will vacate the family home. (Why I don’t know, he had little power in the divorce because he was such a dumbass he didn’t get an attorney until the last minute. So I guess the attorney had to do *something.*)

    He also requested at our last hearing (multiple because dumbass didn’t get an attorney so judge had to reschedule the first 2 hearings a couple of times) that he come and collect someb furniture. He wanted some pieces his grandmother gave him. So ok. He could get them. Because our divorce was pretty contentious, judge set a time and day for him to come and required a police escort for him. (Long story, he wasn’t physically abusive but he had a whack ass of a girlfriend who kept stalking me and making threats–I had a restraining order against her. He threatened to bring her with him. Yes, he was that passive aggressive.) So day and time for home to collect furniture arrived. (I think it was a day or so after divorce.) He arrives in a Jeep Wrangler. How in the hell is he going to fit a freaking dining room table and chairs in that?! OMG. It was priceless. He decided to take *one* chair he could squeeze in the back of that car.

    Can you say dumbass?!

    I gave that furniture to one of the kids who wanted to refinish it — kid moved out after graduating from college. He tried to sweet talk her out of it I heard, but nope. She now lives across country so ain’t likely he can get it back.

    So… I sold tools and books to pay some of the attorney bills and I laughed away some of the furniture.

  • We were both poor students with 2 kids under 2, so there wasn’t much stuff in our little apartment.
    Wedding ring: mailed to – $17. Craigslist for all furniture and junk – $200. His bike & the patio furniture, I gave to the neighbor. Wedding album and everything else – dumpster. I’ve saved a couple pics to give to the kids when they’re grown.

  • STBX liked to use “Can I come on X date to move out?” He had no intention of moving out and never has. It was an excuse to see me that would allay any concerns of his chosen audience of enablers, as it sounded like progress in ending our marriage. What he actually did was show up, tell me that he had made mistakes and ask to hook up, then tackle me onto the couch. Yuck. Never be alone when they arrive to “move out.”

    He feels powerful leaving his things lying around the house, as I have sole possession. He enjoys leaving a mark. I believe that enjoyment is why he too made a pile of Rubbermaid tubs that I cannot possibly lift. That last, tackling time that I was foolish enough to allow him to show up to move out, he told me what outfit to bury him in. If he was doing himself in that day, perhaps, but alas, no. He did put some things in storage, but did not pay the bill. His unit ended up being auctioned off a la “Storage Wars.”

  • Every thing his went into boxes and bags and into the basement until someone could pick it up (protective order so not him). He put off picking up anything after he got his computer. Then my basement flooded. I told him to get someone over in 2 days or it was all going in the trash cos I’m not having moldy crap in my house. His mother came with her husband and took most of it. The rest was trashed. The few other things I gave him a week to arrange a mover pickup. There is so much stuff I have that was ‘ours’ that I simply disengage that gear, no way I could spend thousands of dollars to replace crap. It’s mine.

  • His closets were emptied into the porch during the night as he slept. The keys to the house were stripped from his ring. He expected to stay in the home and do sleepovers with CuntNanthiny.

    I gave him a list of things he had to do prior to getting his other possessions. He had to make numerous trips to the dump to get rid of old mattresses and junk he piled behind the garage.

    After breaking into the house when I went to see my son in college I got a temporary order stating it was my home.

    I unloaded a room full of old parts into the yard.

    He wanted nothing from the home. I made sure I kept basic tools and a dolly for moving furniture. I boxed and sealed every missmatched plate, glass and old towel/sheets.

    After the fact he conned his son into scrapping copper he left behind. When I saw it in his car I let him know it was now my property and split the money with my son.

    Imagine the cost of buying new appliances and things for lawn maintenance when evicted from the dumpy apartment with no washer or dryer!

    Once his things were removed my home became a place of peace and tranquility. I painted the walls and my basement/garage are clean and organized.

    I have peace with an adult son who is respectful and kind; a granddaughter who considers this home.

  • Dang, these ppl are from the same mold. I was married 31 yrs, 17 in the home we lived in when I filed for divorce. He was one of those guys who thought he was going to play games, hide money wipe out the computer stuff and topped it off with purchasing a 5th wheel so he could move on. I didn’t notice he was gone for a few days, I thought he was working. My poor sons had to break the news that he had bought this trailer (our money!!) and had moved. I realized a lot of his clothes were gone and tools. He literally thought he was going to waltz in and out of the house until the divorce was final.

    I immediately changed the locks as I felt he had deserted me and a restraining order was automatic when the court found out he had moved. I put ALL of his tools from the garage outside, packed ALL his remaining clothes in black garbage sacks and put those out for his pick up too. He had been here for many months knowing we were divorcing and I assumed he had gathered important paper work when he moved.

    As many of you all know, bc they aren’t normal he didn’t take everything he should. I admit I enjoyed garbaging or shredding his tax stuff, birth certificate, baby book (awe) 😉 passport, license plates that he never put on his truck bc he wanted to be able to get out of running those camera lights. Before he retired he had been in law enforcement so he got out of every stop or ticket. I tossed everything that he may have wanted but my opinion was he left it behind so I figured he didn’t want it. I included in the bag that had nice business suits the bathroom plunger as he used in and needed it the most. He never mentioned it. 🙂

    After divorce he asked for pics of our children and I said HELL no! His main concern before leaving was covering his tracks on the computers. I kept our family home, he got a second rental property. As I have run across anything that was his, I simply throw it in the trash where it belongs. I hope he is happy living his single life of Porn, hookers, bar skanks and whatever an old 61 yr old man can pick up. He threw away his life and ruined his life Not mine! Its crazy to look around at what he did not value and happily left his family. Truly a screwed up guy. I completely ignore him at events with the grandkids. He is no longer related to me so I do not give him kibbles or cake. Did that way tooooo long!! Good riddance ….

  • Lovebringer69 tried the ‘I thought our marriage was over’ excuse to explain 7 years of cheating. So while he was at work I put everything in garbage bags out the front of the house and sent him a text. ‘Hey idiot because you can’t tell when a marriage is over I’m telling you IT’S OVER your stuff is in garbage bags out the front.’ Watched him come home sobbing as he loaded them into his car and drive away.

  • My attorney came up with a brilliant solution. Instead of going through everything piece by piece to determine what was mine, she suggested that he make a list of things he wanted to keep. Everything not on that list was mine by law. So, he got to keep the PS4 (I had no desire to keep it), the King sized bed (why would you want to keep our marital bed? Psycho), and a few other things I didn’t care about. I kept a few items and threw the rest away. I am sure he was high off of kibble from the ho-worker, but he realized the mistake when he moved back in. He threatened to withhold the monthly alimony because I didn’t leave kitchen supplies. My attorney slapped that down quickly! There was basically nothing left in the condo when I moved out. Consequences must have really hit him hard because he responded with rage. Oh well! Not my circus, not my monkeys. He then contacted the vicar at our church to check in on me because I wasn’t being “Christian”. Boo-fucking-triangulation-hoo!

  • A bit unorthodox, but I “got rid” of her crap by moving out on her. I took photos of each room and things in drawers before I left so I had a decent record, secretly found a furnished studio apartment, and got the fuck out of Dodge after I told her we were getting divorced.

    I understand this option isn’t available to everyone–I had a unique set of circumstances: we rented our home, had no children, and we could temporarily afford two apartments. Plus, I desparately needed to be away from her lies and manipulation so I could stick to my guns.

    XW paid me for the depreciated value of our belongings, and that was that.

    Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes hated having to acquire all things over again (from furniture to silverware to a laundry rack). And she complained bitterly that I “abandoned her paying full rent” on our place and “dealing with all of our stuff.”

    But it was also liberating to be free of all that shit and make her deal with it. And she would have complained even louder had I made her move out instead of me.

    Do what YOU need to do. Fuck whatever they say about it.

  • I know this is from last week but it is still current for me it is so surreal and creepy how similar our situations are . Spent the weekend selling and trashing his stuff. I had boxed up his clothes as soon as he had rented a room. Sent the boxes with him on the only weekend visit he had with 12 yr old DS she helped me pack lol he couldn’t say no ???? After reading everyone else’s responses I know how lucky I am he chose not to get a lawyer (too smart or too cheap ? Not sure which Lol). Mine also bought and lives in a 5 th Wheel ( must be one of a lot of cheaters big dream to live in a camper trailer )Still can’t wrap my Around the discard of my kids though????? Life without sucky ass McCheaterpants? PRICELESS!!!!

  • Tossed it all into paper grocery bags and put it in the foyer of our apartment building, when I said I was going to, and left it there. Voile! Done. Pretty sure he got it all, even more sure I don’t care. (Oh, and there *may* have been some down-the-garbage-chute action with his porn, lists of his conquests, drugs, viagra, and other paraphernalia. Don’t judge me.) I only

  • We were not married, and nor living together. But single persons can still be betrayed, just OMG. So the bed we had slept on together; mattress went into the dumpster, buh-bye. He had a box of stuff kept in a drawer at my house; handed to him and that was it. Didn’t even have to change the locks – just my head.

  • As the Official Photographer for my family I had amassed thousands of photos over a 35 year marriage. These photos spanned both the analog and digital image periods. Most of the analog photos I had digitally scanned. As the person behind the lens the majority of my photos were of my lovely x-wife…literally thousands of them. Some of her alone…some of her with the boys. Very few were of me. I took the photos…I organized them…they were mine. About 6 months after “DD” I was looking at the photos…and quickly arrived at the conclusion that they were a burden to me, as far as moving on was concerned. I had been forced to sell literally everything I had ever worked for…why did I have all these photos? I began deleting them. it took a long, long time. On a quite evening I’d make myself a drink and start deleting for a few hours. At first I deleted all of the solitary photos of her. I began to enjoy it. I later went back and deleted all of the photos she was present in…including photos of her and the boys. They understood. Her 6 year affair was with a close family friend (I later found out there was another too…another friend)….I had photos of us at his house, with his family….including photos taken during the affair period.
    I’m down to about 3,000 photos now…she is nor present in a single one. It feels good.

  • I realize I’m late to the party, but I was away from the Internet all last week having a great cheater-free vacation with my kids.
    I found the fire pit in the backyard was great at destroying stuff. Pictures I found of the OM, awards from work where cheater met OM, saved newspaper articles about nothing…I had some good bonfires.
    That which wasn’t really flammable, or which I thought could be repurposed, went to Goodwill. I donated her wedding dress, for example. When the person taking the donation commented on a man bringing in a wedding dress, I simply said “May the next wearer of this dress take her vows more seriously than the first one.”