Dear Chump Lady,
Help. Help. Help. What is wrong with me? I simply cannot give up. The corner must turn? I haven’t done anything to provoke this wrath. One day will he understand how selfish and immature he is!?
I need to not care if he’s great for someone else. He’s not great for me.
Quit looking at this as an insight problem — wherefore art thou, cheater conscience? — and start looking at this as an ACT NOW problem.
He’s hurting you. Get away NOW. Understand later.
Really, shelf the introspection and skein untangling. As you ACT in self-protection and go no contact, you can work on healing yourself and forget what the hell motivates him. (Satan? Sea monkeys? Ham sandwiches? Doesn’t matter.)
What is wrong with me?
You’ve invested in someone wholly unworthy of you. It’s curable.
I simply cannot give up.
Yes you can, you just don’t want to.
It’s really a sort of addiction and you have to tough this out and un-bond. You can stick around for another kick in the teeth, or you can wise up and leave. You’re addicted to hopium — the idea of him, his potential to Be Different, to fix what he broke. Hopium feels better than your current reality, so you take another toke.
But you absolutely can put down the pipe. Yes, it hurts like a motherfucker — for awhile. The pain is finite. (I really should tattoo that, or embroider it on a tea cosy, I say it so often here…) The way you’re living now is infinitely more painful.
The corner must turn?
Yes, unless you want to keep investing your one precious life in fuckwit stock.
I haven’t done anything to provoke this wrath.
Here’s an idea — don’t stick around for wrath. Let him wrath at his mother, assorted shrubbery, the wall. Don’t. Let. It. Be. YOU.
Instead of pondering “Did I do something to incur this?” — chump move — think “Wrath is not a grown-up way to handle frustration and upset. I am one of God’s children. I deserve to be treated with respect.”
One day will he understand how selfish and immature he is!?
Doubtful. Doesn’t matter. You matter. Do you want a selfish and immature partner?
I need to not care if he’s great for someone else.
Katie, darling, slap yourself. He’s “selfish,” “immature,” and he rages at you.
That’s who HE IS. This isn’t a profile in greatness.
He’s not great for me.
No, he’s not. And that’s where the buck stops. On the infinitesimal chance he’s “great” for someone else — you don’t control that. Fact is, he’s a raging baby-man for YOU. That’s either acceptable to you, or it isn’t.
Please say it isn’t.