Here’s some one-size-fits-all cheater bullshit for you — “Our marriage was already over.” Cheaters say it to affair partners, “We’re all but divorced!” “We’re separated!” “Just roommates!” And cheaters say it to their spouses when they’re discovered cheating. Our marriage was already over.
Well, yes, yes it was when you fucked that other person. But did chumpy you get that memo?
Hey, they gave themselves a mental divorce! Had a few concentrated thoughts about it, and shazzam! Legal and ethical responsibility ended!
Why do cheaters say this?
a) To duck responsibility. It’s blameshifting — weren’t you aware the rules had changed? You’re not very observant, are you?
b) To goad you into the pick me dance. They didn’t tell you it was Over because they wanted to perpetuate cake. It’s too bad you know, but perhaps this crisis will provoke you to try harder to win them back. Kibbles, kibbles, kibbles.
c) Actual divorce is hard work. Hard work sucks. They’re going to boldly strike off after that new life. You can clean up the mess. You’re welcome!
Which brings us to the question of how do you properly END a relationship? Nobody likes to be dumped. And that’s the mindfuck — after you’ve been devalued (“our marriage was already over”), you’re insulted with the accusations that you’re just jealous and covetous of their newfound happiness. Tut, tut. You should take it better. Can’t you see you’re yesterday’s news? Okay, so maybe they went about it in the wrong way, but It’s All for the Best! Their happiness is what Really Matters!
This is how you properly end a relationship:
a) You communicate. “Hey, X, Y, and Z are deal breakers for me. I’m very sorry. We need to go our separate ways if we can’t resolve X, Y, and Z.”
b) You communicate and communicate some more. You get therapy to address X, Y, and Z. You work hard to see if there is some alternative to divorce. You pay attention to how invested your spouse is or is not in addressing X, Y, or Z. If the deal breakers persist, or you can’t reconcile yourself to X, Y, or Z — then you end it with “We need to go our separate ways.”
c) You don’t eat cake. With the statement that it is over, you ACT like it’s over. You don’t continue to fuck your spouse. You don’t send mixed messages to your family or your spouse. You publicly own your decision to end it. You quit extracting value from your married status and you go it alone.
d) You take LEGAL steps to end it. You see a lawyer. You draft a separation agreement. If you’re in one of those crazy states with a one-year waiting period, you start that clock ticking with physical separation. If you can’t get your ex out of the house, you do everything in your power to leave or compel them to leave.
e) You end things fairly. If leaving was your idea, you recognize there will be hard feelings and you put your Adult Pants on and divide things evenly, according to the law. Not based on your feelings of entitlement. If you can’t figure out what “fair” looks like, ask a mediator.
Ending a relationship ethically is what grown-ups do. Whoring about, stuffing your gob with cake, and getting caught is what cheaters do.
Response to “Our marriage was already over”?
It is now. Sayonara.
I’m on the road today, thus the rerun.
The X kept saying the marriage failed. I wish I would have said, no, you failed. You failed to make me a priority, you failed to make me your world, you failed to support me when I needed help, you failed to protect me when you cheated. You failed to see me as a wife, companion and friend.
Amen to that.
Exactly!!!!
My words exactly. Thank you.
Saying it then to your cheater wouldn’t have made a difference.
Saying it NOW as your truth is empowering.
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Thank you Rebecca for the support. It is empowering and something that I need to remember if I ever decide to pursue another relationship.
Yes, Rebecca! Awesome point!
This is exactly what I thought, well said Rebecca
Exactly!
Exactly this.
So much YES to this. You stated it perfectly.
Perfectly said!
That pretty much sums it all up.
The only failure here is your ability to be honest.
I like to use a lawyer mind set when I have to communicate with the cheater….LISTEN CAREFULLY, TAKE NOTE, ASK QUESTIONS.
“The marriage was over ten years ago? And why did YOU FAIL to notify me?”
The dog ate my homework. The check is in the mail. I didn’t know murder was illegal. Blah blah blah.
Exactly what I told my ex husband you failed especially in the bedroom!
“The X kept saying the marriage failed. I wish I would have said, no, you failed. You failed to make me a priority, you failed to make me your world, you failed to support me when I needed help, you failed to protect me when you cheated. You failed to see me as a wife, companion and friend.”
Miss Bailey…yes!! Mine said ‘I don’t love you like a husband is supposed to love a wife.’ He meant it as his justification for screwing a stripper when he was working on the road while I cared for our 2 new babies back at home, but after he was gone for a while I flipped the script on that horrifying statement, much as you did in the above comment. No, you DON’T love me the way a husband is supposed to love their wife. Because that would mean treating them fairly and honestly, protecting them from harm, and actually caring if they firebomb their wife and children’s life to shreds with their lies and betrayal. So, no, you most certainly don’t love me like you’re supposed to love a wife. Thanks for your accidental and unintended honesty.
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Yep. You started seeing your spouse as an option. Sacred vows of marriage are supposed to eliminate the option, thus making them vows “for life.” But, it was decided somewhere along the way that an option clause does exist.
A million times THIS!
PREACH!! Perfectly said!
“You failed”. Omg THIS. 2 greatest words ever.
Thank you for some more mental clarity with these 2 little words. ❤️
Yes to this. You don’t own his failure! It’s why safety procedures instruct us to our own mask on before attending to someone else. Our survival is always first.
CL, you have absolutely saved my life with your blog. I swear that I can almost predict my not-soon-enough x’s moods and communication. He was “sorry” very briefly after I confronted him and now switches between anger and self pity, all the while completely blame shifting and telling me that our 20 year marriage was over 10 years ago! Going NC (or at least as much as possible, with two kids involved) has saved my sanity! It’s going to be a long road ahead (we’re just over a month into this nightmare) but the kids and I will be fine. Oh, and taking up kickboxing has helped with the outrage and makes me feel mighty!! ????
I read somewhere that their unhappiness is usually in increments of 5. My X first told me he was unhappy for 10 years of our 18 year marriage. When I asked him about it, he denied saying it because, well, it was only 5 years. Eye roll, they have to make something up to excuse their behavior.
Ok, so my comment below was meant to be a reply… haven’t had my tea yet.
Keep up the good work mylabrador!
Sounds like you’re kicking butt in more ways than one.
Thank you AllOutofKibble! It feels great to do something like that for myself. Definitely stressful days ahead but my true friends and family (and CN!) are a great support.
Mylabrador. One month? Strap yourself in. Get ready for when he announces that he now realizes he never loved you. Only married you because…insert here…(you were an amazing person that checked all the boxes…he was at the age to marry and everyone loved you…you made him want to be a better person…etc). Then, there might be when he tells you that he hasn’t been attracted to you since… (usually around the time you had children). Then, he’ll graciously tell you about all the times that you annoyed him and he realized that he actually didn’t really like you as a person at all and that you both never had anything in common.
Then, there is the ripe anger directed at you as if you were the one that did all the cheating and screwed him over. You did nothing but control him the whole marriage. He never got a say in anything. You emasculated him. He lost his identity a long time ago and you were too self-absorbed to notice. All you ever do is talk about yourself.
Followed by the classic that he’s just got to be happy. He’s given up so much for others all these years and now he needs to do something for himself. It’s his turn to be selfish for once. He’s just got to do this. He has to be with her. He just needs to have some fun. You are nothing but an ogre of responsibility. You take the joy out of everything. You complicate everything. The kids will be just fine. There is so much divorce today that it’s not out of the ordinary and most kids turn out ok.
But the most irksome is the fake platitudes, such as what a great mother you are and that he couldn’t ask for a better mother for his kids. Ummm…thanks? Be sure you lock up all sharp objects when that comes around.
Have you been listening in on conversations I’ve had with my STBX? Lol.
Yeah exactly. Literally all of what you have said OptionNoMore you literally write it like it is – it’s bloody disgusting so what you have done already mylabradorsabetterhubby is amazing but be prepared.
These people are disgusting. But we are not
Exactly my thoughts.
Were we all married to the same jerk?
It’s astonishing how unoriginal they all are
OptionNoMore, strapped in and helmet on! You KNOW him?! Actually, that garbage began about 3 days after I confronted him. The more the kids ignore him, the angrier he gets… “What did YOU tell them to make them so angry with me?!” I love the strings of nasty texts (totally gutless), followed by a request the the next day! The reality is that after 20 years of him NEVER being accountable it doesn’t shock me anymore. This was an easy last straw after years of turmoil and I was DONE! Finally seeing him for the pos he truly always has been!
Spot on OptionNoMore.
I’ll add another reason he had to get married, because his family expected it and there was a lot of pressure from me and his mother.
I actually spent sometime feeling bad about that even though I don’t remember there being any actual pressure. Gotta love CN for keeping things in perspective.
Your comment was actually quite humorous – not sure if you intended it as such.
Oh my goodness! My STBXH said every single word of this!
Yours must have handed the Cheater Playbook over to mine once he finished reading it verbatim to you, OptionNoMore. Unbelievable how they are all.the.same. Total losers.
Were you married to my x too?! That’s virtually word for word!!
OMFG Option….so much odd comfort the spooky similarities. Now I know there is a playbook.
‘Honest, Officer, the knife slipped 17 times.’
Wait until the divorce starts to move. Think they suck as spouses? Wait until they’re stbx spouses. Harassment, abuse, lies, parental alienation, threats, agreements, retractions of agreements. Your hell is their heaven
Holy crap OptionNoMore you’ve described STBXH (except we have no kids) to a T. These cheaters are soooo unoriginal aren’t they?
Were you married to my X too? Eerie!
My ex wife said every one of those phrases WORD FOR WORD. It’s eerie and sad how they all say the exact same things. Getting the “it just never felt right” after 24 YEARS was the biggest gut punch but after reading this blog I see it’s just the same regurgitated shit they all say. After 4 years I’m pretty much at meh and don’t care what the hell happens to her anymore. If she was hit by a train it would literally have zero effect on me.
Bingo optionno more. Juging by the number of agrees there must be an actual website out there that gives these brain dead fuckwits the script. I actually bet there is. I once typed in “how to dump your wife” and got that shitty book but there is bound to be a step by step plan cos god knows they dont have the imagination to make it up. I try and take comfort in the fact that he knows his kids have no respect for him after what he did to all of us…but then again it sucks to have a dad like that. Screw him and his runner up victim
Ugh. Same exact words I heard from mine.
They have no concept how damaging the gaslighting is, how it makes you question reality and what you experience when you attempt to develop relationships with anyone else after them. Constantly questioning whether you’re actually experiencing reality.
Today at dinner my five year old explained incredulously to her little friend, “my dad didn’t want to be married to my mom anymore so she said, “fine, I’m getting out of here!!”
Your blog has saved my sanity, unfortunately most of the people I know are Swedish friends, and believe the crap my ex says, his latest quote is “your not happy, you pretend to be happy”, he was always telling the ow to shut up, I over heard several times on the phone, I’m in charge of my emotions not him. And if the ow us on this website, I think she us you can fuck off, sorry if that offended chumps
Susan it’s incredibly disappointing to find your friends are like that. It’s like another infidelity, and it’s scary as it feels like your support system has vanished. Hope you’re ok today.
x
I think you mean Swiss friends, as in from Switzerland the land of “neutrality”. Swedish people are from Sweden where they have excellent baked goods. Get some Swedish friends!
a) to duck responsibility — “because responsibility has never been one of my strong suits. Think back on our history together. Can you honestly say I ever took responsibility for anything that went wrong or didn’t work out, without adding some type of “but…” addendum?”
b) to goad you into the pick me dance — “because I’ve always required adoration and adulation. It’s like the air I breathe. So why should you stop just because you’re devastated?”
c) Actual divorce is hard — “Look at what I said before about responsibility. Same thing.”
You can see how ridiculous this remark is if you apply it to friendship. ‘Our friendship finished five years ago. I didn’t bother telling you that, but it meant I just came to your house for free dinners, got you to look after my pets when I was away etc. and no longer had any obligation to be nice to you in return. Because secretly I’d decided you weren’t actually my friend any more. So I’m guilt-free.’
Brilliant!
Yes brilliant analogy — love it!
Right?! ???????? Or that of an employee… “Boss, our work relationship was over five years ago when you first got upset about my work ethic. I am here every day (well physically, but I’m frequently on my personal phone texting schoompie). So what? I covertly sent trade secrets to other firms? They thought they were stupid! So what I embezzled money or stole supplies?! You under pay me! You don’t appreciate me! And then you have the nerve to complain about me having sex with co-workers? You practically made me!
“Im here aren’t I?! Why can’t you just be happy for me?! Oh and give me a raise and bonus!
Beautifully stated, indy! As a business owner myself, this example especially resonated with me
Thank all of you for your examples, for putting into words the ridiculousness of a cheater’s drivel!
Y’all have a great, cheater-free Monday, as we all ForgeOn!!
Thank you Forge!, cheater drivel is just mind numbing craziness. Hope you’re enjoying your cheater free week, isn’t it awesome?!
Indy,
You must have known or worked with my cheater XH.
Or been one of his many wives. Lol ????
Chumptopia! Lol!!! Who can tell though?! Right? They think they are so special and unique???????????? Nope, they are just carbon copy losers for the reject bin
Knittedrobin, great point. Yet this is not-so-ridiculous for those of us whose partner actually cheated with our friend. After D Day, I just couldn’t even comprehend how my ‘friend’ could have continued to visit my home, ask me to take care of her children, help with home renos, etc etc all while she was fucking my husband for two years. Those types of cheaters have an extra dose of disorder.
My “friends yes he was banging more than one of them…stayed in my life came to my home shared holidays ect..for most of 20 years.. I have not one memory that has not been tainted by deception not one room in what should have been our home that was not violated by these bottom feeders. I will never understand how people like this live with themselves… I wish I had that gizmo from men in black where I could just erase it all..
Excellent point.
Here’s the SCHOOL anaolgy…
I became a student of healthy intimate relationships when I was 22….having NOT grown up with that and landing in recovery for addiction and the shopping cart of s**t that goes with growing up in the alcoholic violent crazy home.
After five years of hard work, at 27, I chose my husband, whom I met in AA, who said he wanted to go to Relationship School with me. I think he was on board for a while; I don’t know when he actually dropped out but it is obvious he is not enrolled now. I have worked too effen hard for 33 years, and continue to work hard, to settle for a study partner in Relationship School who is a liar and a cheater and doesn’t do his homework and doesn’t care about trying to get an A. If I want an A on the JOINT PROJECT, which I do, I gotta go. My life depends on it. And it’s now a solo class project again….me healing me and my little girl…getting strong on my own….and if I ever get involved again I want the Valedictorian.
Group work completely sucks; there’s always a freeloader.
Alas, my ex-wife applied this analogy to suit herself:
“Sadly, motherhood has changed me. I have evolved as a person. Evolved so much that we no longer suit each other and have drifted apart. I mean, you’re not friends with the same kids you knew at kindergarten, are you? That’s because you changed! Everybody changes! And that must be the reason I find it so hard to “no” to schmoopie. Nothing to do with me having entitlement issues. Or a black void in my soul that needs kibbles to fill. No, it’s because I changed and you, chump, are like Lily from preschool. Bless her, we had some great times which I will always look on fondly but sadly she ran out of kibbles… er… I mean life took her in a different direction.”
Has the UBT done “Drifted Apart” yet? It feels a kindred spirit to “Our Marriage Failed”.
I mean, I’d have some sympathy if there were glaring, blatant issues and resentments that were intensifying over a period of years. But when the “drift” in question…
a) only appears to have begun when schmoopie started chatting you up
b) you can’t even *tell me* in what ways we’ve drifted apart and
c) the person you’ve drifted to and is your new kindred spirit actually ends up making you more miserable than I did…
… then I can’t help but think there’s some serious flaws in logic going on.
I think people “drifted” less before the telephone was invented and we had to rely on horses for transportation…..thanks to the magic of science and progress, you can have a new partner every time your mood changes.
I’ve always wondered what cheaters did before the advent of the Internet and cell phones. Tackle the mailman?
Guess it depends on your social status. Can’t imagine it was too hard for the aristocrats:
“Hmm… Lady Chumpington has the vapours this morning. Bit of a buzz-kill. Obviously I should never have married her. I know, I’ll ride over to the nearest village and get it on with that simpering miller’s daughter instead.”
My first day of kindergarten I sat in the closet and sobbed. A little boy came and sat with me, and asked – “Where is your Mommy?”. That was 36 years ago. He is a friend to this day. So yes, I am still friends with people I knew in kindergarten. He was my first friend, I still have all the others of my classmates, too.
I’m sorry your wife used that analogy, it simply isn’t true.
Susannah, your story touched. my heart in a very big way I will never forget. I thought my husband was like your kindergarten friend. The truth is that he threw me under the bus so many times and I spackled. If I am ever in a relationship again, I think the main things for me to look out for is EMPATHY and KINDNESS toward ME. So many times I have been in that closet alone. ????
Lol, SO TRUE! 20 year marriage, “over” 10 years ago, 5 year affair.
Yup. Right out of the playbook chez Unicorn & Major Cheaterpants.
He didn’t say it immediately but one day I asked him how Susan of Seattle was SO wonderful if she dated married men and he said that because of the STAGE of our relationship (seemingly over) that she considered him “fair game”.
“Fair game?” a couple who lives in the same house, has 3 kids and sleeps in the same bed? that marriage is “fair game”?
Omg, fair game. They are so creepy.
My stbxh kept saying he was so unhappy for so long. So you are unhappy with the way things are going….don’t try to fix them just go find a howorker and have a torrid affair…oh and start a business together while lying to your wife of 28yrs and trying to eat cake. I threw that cake in the garbage. He moved out a few weeks ago and I have started no contact!! Our youngest is old enough to make her own plans with him if she chooses.
He is finding out it would have been easier and cheaper to keep her (as in me the ole faithful chump) then howorker!!!
“I was unhappy for years” means “I was LYING for years” which means “I am a loser no mattter how you slice it”……
Yep.
Perfect UBT of “I was unhappy for years.”
Yup. I was so lonely on all of our amazing family holidays. You bellitted me, mocked, me alienated me. But I never said anything because of love. ? Er what? But in the end yeah I just went with someone else cause frankly we didn’t have sex enough and I used to lie about working every evening cause that was our dynamic over the years. So sorry you didn’t realise that was a lie, or that I was unhappy or that you made me feel bad sometimes but I need said, blah blah blah. Literally FUUUUUUUCK U.
That’s how I feel now. On the road to meh, will take a while but I can feel I am travelling down towards that point and even the journey is enjoyable x
We used to say that they think the grass is greener on the other side. Another old saying that rang true. They are bored and looking around for excitement…..well they get that for sure…..just not the type of excitement they anticipated.
In my STBX’s case, the grass is drunk and unemployed and makes frequent trips to the psych ward.
Yup, yup, yup… He was starting a business with our tenant (and ex colleague of his) without telling me yet saying to us all it was our family business, whilst also shagging tenant/business partner and attending weddings etc with her AND also shagging another, current, young naive colleague.
Tenant now has the business, she pays my mortgage, i have the properties and kids, he has to pay child support and is contributing more now financially than he has ever done, and he has the joy of living in naive lassies parents back garden…
Stupid is as stupid does.
After 35 years married, “our marriage ran its course” &
“I have feelings for other people “. Other people?
Didn’t have the balls to say “Other woman”.
Karma hit..OWhore died last year in a car accident.
He quickly moved into another woman’s house 5 weeks
after she was buried. How sick is that? Evil narc ????
OMG. That is HORRIBLE. What a terrible, awful man. You are well rid of him!
Keep Calm
Yes your right. I regret not seeing the monster I was living with for so long ????.
((Hugs)) ❤️
The quick turnover is very revealing of the depth of feeling– or lack thereof.
Talk about a quick turnover – I should have realized that my mother-in-law moving in with her lover only two weeks after her husband (cheater’s father) suddenly died was a HUGE red flag. I mean really, who does that??? It’s abnormal to put it nicely. Seriously fucked up to be blunt.
But instead of seeing it as symptomatic of her self-centered entitlement, absolute zero commitment or morals or even personal dignity, and complete emptiness where a normal human being would have felt devastating loss, I let cheater justify and rationalize it for me as her simply not knowing how to be without another person. To my young dumb self it seemed pathetic, but plausible.
Now of course looking back I can see that he inherited/learned every last one of her awful, shitty character traits. She was a sorry excuse for a wife and mother yet he spent his life making excuses for her – and still does – probably in an attempt to subconsciously excuse his own behaviors that mirrored hers.
Anyway, the quick turnover. Yeah, I really wish I’d paid more attention to that.
Are you and I related? Same mother in law, same excuses, same ex. Glad to be rid of them all.
My cheater XH and last serious boyfriend were just like that. Cheater XH went from my bed to Slut Puppets within 24 hours. Ex fiancee was on line nine minutes after we broke up and found another Twu Luv/Soul Mate within a month. Fix your picker indeed.
I find a some consolation in this….extra confirmation that he is unfit for a relationship….proof that cheating has ZERO to do with anyone/anything but stinking thinking on the part of the cheater…
in my case “other people” just may mean not women. I don’t really know but have my suspicions. Who puts $200k into a new business venture with a guy who lost $500 k in the previous one. Same guy also bought a shop that my ex’s name is on, after he had difficulty getting the 200k back. Then theres the realtor at our place in Florida who confessed she just had a gut feeling about those two. Ewwww just ewww( nothing against gays really…. but men who go both ways just to get what they can get?? He also has a schmoopie/mommy/sugar momma.
To be repulsed by this behavior is not anti-gay. It is anti liar and cheater. If someone is gay they do not have the right to lie to you and marry you under false pretenses. If you are already married and they discover their gayness, they are still obligated to end the relationship honestly and ethically before they cheat. Period. Just like anyone else.
I call these people ‘dog fuckers’.
They will literally screw anyone or anything that will screw them.’
Ewwww
No perverts allowed, EVER.
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Mine didn’t exactly say “our marriage has been over since XXXX” but he went around saying “after we decided to separate”. I tell ya, when he moved in with his slag in January 2010 and didn’t come home for six weeks I had no idea at that point that we had decided to separate. Whatever, you asshole. Enjoy Slaggy Anne II!
same happened to me. Ghosted. #Gone
Same. All was tender and loving as usual, and then he just vanished. Not a fucking word. When I found out he had dumped me for Pole Pussy I was devastated — found out he was shopping the “we decided to separate” line. They are really masters of lying — you can tell because it causes them no discomfort at all.
The version I got of this was “there hasn’t been a connection between us for years!” Really? The house, the kids, the shared bank account, the sleeping together? No connection? Huh. Fooled me.
It’s because he believed you to be in charge of his happiness. They are convinced that they’re unhappiness is a result of the marriage and/or you, when in reality they are miserable fucks seeking the next best thing that’ll provide them a short term high.
That is so true. I wasn’t married as long as most here, only a little over a year, together 7 years. Anyway, right after our year anniversary (my birthday) when I discovered his other woman his excuse was “we don’t laugh anymore”. Okay….
My stbxh said something opossite – ” yes, we have laugh, yes we make jokes but that make us more like a brother or sister”. That’s one of the reason why he decided to shag the OW. You can’t win, can you?
Yes…we weren’t laughing because YOU were lying and cheating and mentally strangling me in secret….kind of puts a damper on the marriage, Jerk….
Frankly if you had seen my 112 lb cheater in a swim suit you would have laughed a great deal!
Oh god, so true. He even said to me “I was so unhappy! Couldn’t you tell?!” I replied with “Well you never SAID you were unhappy.” “But all the signs were there, Adaira!” Shame on me for not being a mind reader.
Now, he did express mild dissatisfaction and said we should go on more date nights, but that was after he had already made plans to fuck his howorker the next day.
It’s so disappointing when we assumed they had a better moral code than actually they did.
The X said there were signs. Signs? I’m not a sign or mind reader. You mean, I was supposed to pay attention that one sign like 3 years ago? Give me a fucking break.
One of the signs I was apparently supposed to pick up on was his frequent request for me to call in sick to work to hang out with him. “Couldn’t you tell how lonely I was?! You always said no!!” Couldn’t you tell I was an adult with a career who couldn’t just blow it off to Netflix and chill?
Or maybe sit on the couch and hold his hand all day…
You shouldn’t have to follow the clues or read the signs. No one vows to be Sherlock Fucking Holmes in their wedding ceremony. They do vow not to have sex with other people.
I got that too…second hand from a mutual friend. Friend asked scumbag why he didn’t tell
me he left the marriage. Scumbags response…”Well there were plenty of signs!” Just flipping amazing.
Maybe our cheaters should marry bonified physics the next time around. I read where the Long Island Medium is soon to be single.????♀️
Oops psychics not physics. Dang autocorrect.
Ha mine actually said to me in all seriousness on d day that “I thought you were a mind reader ” in the tone of a sarcastic teenager….so no i was not blessed with that skill. I respond to what my most ‘trusted’ person in my world would tell me ….shoot me now !!!
To cheater:
“And you stayed because…….?”
Mine tells me he stayed for our son. Same 14 year old son he is moving 1,000 miles away from to live with the woman he had an affair with 25 years ago. Tells me at 14 Andy will be fine – they will FaceTime each day. Oh she and he are just friends. Good friends.
Yeah I got that too. Was news to me. And “our relationship has gone as far as it could go”, just gibberish really. And the roommates shiz. Everyones story is different yet they say the same crap.
Ha – me too. do you know what it’s like not to be seen? Crap innit. Oh no, do you know what it’s like for your partner to leave you a week after your dad’s funeral and tell you he still loves you and cares about you and it takes you about 2 days to go through his room and find out he is a total lying bastard. Yeah that’s about worse that ‘not being seen’ believe me. Grow a pair man and face up to what you’ve done. You spineless twat.
My STBX also said that he felt the marriage was over because I wanted out. He stated that I did not go away enough and did not want to have fun. That He knew I wanted out of the marriage so he thought I would not care if he had a friend to go away with. If he thought I would not care why did he keep Skankella a secret?
He never thought that I would find out. It was so much better for him to have he chump at home being the adult. And getting to go out with a women who only wanted to have fun. My STBX is no longer with Skankella. And continues to beg me take him back. He found out that the girl who only wanted to have fun. Had huge financial problems and begged him for money and would drink until she passed out. I hope him throwing away a 34 year marriage for a party girl was worth it.
Skankella…coffee just came out my nose
same!!! You typed it as coffee was coming out of my nose…! Cheating Accomplice Nickname Contest winner!!!!
I took cheater back for a few years. Miserable years where I felt like a sucker. He thought a few flowers or some dinners out should suffice to make it up to me, and I should ‘stop living in the past’. Take them back and the problem becomes YOU.
Seriously if it ever ever cross my mind Mitz..I’m going to tattoo it on my forehead!
Mine also thought that separation is what I wanted as if destroying our marriage was a favour to me. Really?
You know I’m a practicing Catholic. You are Catholic too. I work in a Catholic high school and taught Religion for fourteen years. Your family is devout Catholic, father a retired professor of theology and mother a retired chaplain. My family is devout Catholic. Between our families, there has been only one divorce (an extremely abusive husband who abandoned the family). You claimed to understand that our faith believes marriage to be a sacramental bond for life.
But, you figured that I wanted out of the marriage too? I don’t remember you asking me about that. I don’t remember ever expressing it. I do remember shutting down because I didn’t know what more I could do after a few years of pleading for marriage counselling or visiting our priest or taking a course offered at our church. I just shut down, resigned myself to the passage of time to make things better, hoping that once the kids got a bit older we would be able to have more fun together and bring back the spark.
So, I’ve made his dream come true. I’m the one filing for divorce. The first divorce in the families for no actual reason that couldn’t have been overcome if he had simply chosen to be authentic in reconciliation. Nope, he left to be with the other woman and blew bombs all over the integrity of our entire marriage. As my priest put it, he is a poisoned well who has partnered with another poisoned well. My priority is the well-being of my children, and one moral parent is mighty. Once the divorce if finalized, the petition for an anulment begins in the Church. If my STBXH never really loved me then this was the marriage that never was.
My now XW portrayed herself as a “church leader” by leading a ministry. Our family was viewed by many as an example of the “ideal Catholic family” in the parish, w/me as a tireless church volunteer and ministry lead myself, and our 2 kids as altar servers. This women has the nerve to then show up at our daughter”s confirmation at our church, take communion from the pastor who knows what she did, and go around hugging people at the church as if she’s not be blamed for what happened. I can only guess at the awkwardness of the people who felt like they had to extend a hug to her when she came to them; for some or most of them, it must have grossed them out, especially in church at an important event.
Now in family therapy, she admits that she has her “reasons” for not going to church. Yes, perhaps because the guilt of what you did is now eating you up, right #stupid?
‘They are a poisoned well that has partnered with another poison well.’
WOW.
On the subject of descriptive words….”affair” has a light, airy, carefree sound to it. I prefer “cheating” or “crime”.
And “partner”? It sounds upstanding and virtuous. “Accomplice” has the criminal, underhanded tone which I think is more apt. No “AP” for me; I am using “cheating accomplice” to describe her and
“He cheated” instead of “had an affair”…..
I like your words, VH. VERY much. It is important to describe exactly what it is. Mine once describe his crime as “a spectacular love affair”. I looked him in the eye, and told him I had other very descriptive adjectives to use for his behavior, and if he didn’t want me using them, he had better do the same.
Oh YES. The fun AP is really a lunatic, they find out later. Hahah begging to come back! Sounds very familiar. Not so fun picking her comatose body off the floor, or getting screamed at, thrown out, and ignored, by cheater’s ‘dream girl’, now is it? The boring wife wasn’t really so bad, after all?
She took care of your helpless ass, and you miss it ????????????
All of the above, and just to make it even worse, the Cheater claimed that although he had been unhappy for years, the reason he stayed with me was to protect me, yes, because he didn’t want to hurt me… so instead it was better to cheat. Yup, had nothing to do with him never having a decent income and relying on mine for 16 years, plus Cake. They lie so much they truly believe their own lies, which are absurd when you consider their actions. I.e., cheating = protecting me! and asshole also claimed, after D-Day that he was “fiercely loyal” to me, because unlike me, he truly cared about our marriage, but it was ME who didn’t thus he cheated. Yeah, whatever. Meh.
Yes, I got that line, too….”I didn’t want to hurt you…..(so I lied and cheated for the entirety of our 26-year marriage…. to PROTECT you.”) So I guess I must be the nut job here, because I can’t recognize and accept that it was all for my OWN GOOD….so considerate! I also got “I didn’t think you’d care.” And when ex was walking out after Dday #2 (when I confronted him about his lifetime, habitual, serial cheating), he said, “I feel like such a failure.” When he self-criticized in the past, he expected me to soothe his ego and tell him he was being too hard on himself, because that’s what I always did! But this time – even though instinctively I almost went that route again, I shocked myself (and him!!) and said, “Yep….you’re a completel miserable failure.” Best conversation I’ve ever had with him!
He said that I told him to get a girlfriend….
I was thinking last night about how he isn’t the one who made a mistake….it was ME when I said “I do”….when I was loyal to him…when I trusted him…..when I believed him….all the years I went to therapy with him so we wouldn’t recreate our parents’ Train Wreck Untreated Alcoholic ACOA Dysfunction Grand Central Station marriages…..as Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman…….”Big mistake. BIG.”…..
My ex used hookers for our whole relationship. I actually caught him in the beginning- found a piece of a condom wrapper in my apartment I’d just given him the key to, my necklace was missing, and I had bumps on my lady parts. Having a hard time forgiving myself for that mindboggling spackling. He never admitted it, but in his fake apology email post divorce, he said he “always respected me.”
Hmmmm,
I truly believed we travelled together on a lovely one lane country road,
walked together on a one way walkway.
We didn’t hold hands, but, ( I thought) there was a shared quiet contentment, even a happiness, between us.
(I didn’t even notice he had turned and headed in the other direction, toward a brighter light, a carefree, worry free, child free, OW).
DDay spelled it all out to me.
I had been travelling alone. I just didn’t know it!
Thank you for saying it like that, captured my feeling exactly!
Word!
This!! I think this is exactly why my daughter and I are doing so well now that he is gone, we had already been used to being on our own. We don’t have the tension of what kind of mood he would be in and most times he didn’t joins us on activities or errands on the weekends. When he did we were uncomfortable.
Tear!
So true
To me, the worst was one an acquaintance actually said that “well, your marriage must have been over for a while”! Someone who knew nothing about US nor never witnessed the things that my ex said and did during this disgusting affair. The callousness of some people.
Ouch! Let’s see…from other people I received these comments:
Just because he had the affair doesnt mean he stopped loving you
And
Is it because you’re vegan now?
So…to recap: my husband can have an affair, destroy finances with his affair spending, give me an infection, and….still loves me. And, I cooked him incredibly healthy food because his cholesterol was up and doc warned he was on the path to type2 diabetes. And i never barred him from eating what he wanted (he has the ability to cook food that he wants! Or buy it! Shocking!)he could have his precious steak whenever he wanted, but without dead animals on the dinner table daily, he was driven to have an affair with his Howorker.
so, I should be able to reconcile because 1) he loved me during his affair , and,
2) I changed my diet, and that must have been so hard on him it made his pants fall down and his penis fell into a strange vagina!
Other people, in trying to be “helpful” say the stupidest and most enraging things.
People are so truly stupid at times.
I was a vegetarian years before ex and I even met. I never tried to convert him. I even cooked meat gor him and the kids. Initially it was 2-3 days a week but went up to every day when he complained that it should be every night. When he suddenly took up hunting 18 years into our marriage I didn’t complain. Even so, being a vegetarian was listed as one of his excuses for his being unhappy in his marriage. Evidently he can’t enjoy sharing a meal with me if we aren’t eating the same thing. ☹️
Oh people who say such things are now provided with a complete verbal takedown of their logic or lack there of. These days I enjoy shining a little light in those dark corners of idiocy.
Try it sometime. It will make you feel better than messing with a persistent telemarketer.
I had a recent communication from a former “friend” who had not contacted me since April 2016. She went on about how busy she has been and how strange she felt “being in the middle”. I saw her at an event a few days later and I said “Mi@@@, I did not put YOU in the middle of anything, YOU chose the adulterer”. It felt so good to express the truth and we spent a wonderful time chatting throughout the event.
OMG. Cheater actually said something along the lines of, “what is the big deal? People love more than one child all the time. I don’t think it is natural to just love one person.” Please UBT this….
Yes, Switzerland pals said to me “she didn’t mean to hurt you”, that actually hurt as much as the cheating hearing crap like that. Still makes me mad. She didn’t mean to hurt me coz she didn’t give a toss about me.
“Huh. I didn’t get that memo. We were still living in the same house and having sex. I was still cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids we have. We still had a joint bank account. And he never mentioned marriage counseling or filed for divorce. So no. The marriage wasn’t over. He just added a third party. That made it ‘over.'”
I got this on dday: “Our marriage has been over for years.” Exactly two months prior we went on a Caribbean vacation to St. Thomas; we regularly had sex and we ended each conversation/day with “I love you.” Ironically, the year prior was the year of the devalue/discard. I knew something was wrong and toward the end, when it got close to dday, I even suspected an affair but my heart couldn’t go there. I started to imagine having the difficult conversation and it went something like this: “I think we need to see a marriage counselor or do something different because this marriage is working for me the way it currently is headed.” Silly, adult me.
A few days later he stayed out all night after drinking heavily with his colleagues. This had become a fairly regular event since the news of their company being sold. (for like the 5th time in that many years so it wasn’t a brand new thing). When he returned home in the morning I had a bag packed. This wasn’t how married people acted and I was ready to end it right then and there. He begged me not to go. Out of all the hurtful things he did during that time period that was the worst. I gave him a perfectly good window to jump out of but he opted for what I now know is cake. Another 3 weeks later I discovered his cheating.
We did the wreckconciliation thing for far too long but I was the one who decided it wasn’t working for me. I didn’t bother with the marriage counseling at that point as we had already been there and done that for almost a year after dday and he had to be dragged. The marriage was really over at that point so I told him I wanted a divorce.
That’s how you end a marriage fairly and like an adult. Don’t let a cheater tell you any differently!
Totally Correct!
I thank God and Life to has been able to find your book! It helped my painful journey to gained my life back ????
Sending mixed messages was my stbx’s specialty…
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you”
“I need you to need me, but you’re too needy”
“You’re an excellent mother. You’re going to try and keep the kids from me.”
“Let’s try to get along. Empties bank accounts”
Being minimal contact has given me fresh perspective … the conclusion I’ve drawn about mixed messages is this…
Mixed messages are used as weapons. They are effective in …
1) Provoking hope
2) Creating confusion
3) Getting you to drop your guard
4) Entertain them with your pick me dance
5)…. and then they go for the jugular.
It’s nothing more than a sick game of cat and mouse. It’s like they enjoy watching you squirm.
Great post. I’m sure many people will see themselves in it. Jackass was great at # 1-3.
“Our marriage was over already” — yeah, and they always seem to forget to tell you that BEFORE they start sleeping around, don’t they? You’d think something fairly important like that wouldn’t slip their minds, but it always does. Just a bunch of self-justification served in a word salad.
One thing I will never forget is the night I had to force him to tell our children that HE wanted to get a divorce. He said to both our children, “Mom and I haven’t been happy for a long time.” Excuse me?!!! I said, “No. This is all your dads doing. You dad is the one who wants to break-up our marriage.” Both of my kids were sobbing uncontrollably. My son said, “But you and mom get along so well and always seem so happy together.” I said, “Well, I guess your dad has been faking it all these years, because I thought he was happy too.”
You see. He was trying to gaslight and lie to the kids too. He was trying to rewrite their family history, just like he tried his best rewriting mine. They were there every single day. They did not seeing any unhappiness. It was rare we fought and if we did, it was ALWAYS about his harem of “friends”. And we never fought in front of our kids. They grew-up in a happy home with loving parents who kissed, held hands and were happy in front of them.
My son now says he’s never getting married. He said, “Why bother.” This was all new after his father destroyed his family. I don’t blame him one bit for feeling this way. He saw firsthand how one can be blindsided by someone who vowed before God and family that they would be a faithful husband. He got a ring-side view of a character disordered person, his dad.
I will never ever forgive him for what he did to our children. I will never forget watching them sob uncontrollably and at the same time look at their father who was robotic and cold as ice. The only tears my ex cried was for himself. Somehow he turned into the victim and of course he had a load of people believing his sob story. Evil, evil, evil.
My 35 year old son feels the same about getting married (his father abandoned me three years ago–divorced almost two years). Like me, his father never “told” him about the affair, the girlfriend just started appearing at family events. My son refuses to acknowledge the other woman. These cheaters cause immense damage to children of all ages. They just do not care.
NotMyFault, you are right that they do not care one bit about the damage they do to their own children. My ex actually said to me with a SMIRK on his face, “I guess I’ll be giving the kids the Father Wound.” We learned about the Father Wound from a book we had reads years before by John Eldredge. My ex knew he was going to be permanently wounding his own children, but he didn’t care. He disgusts me.
Wow just wow…to know this psychology and actual name it (father wound) just emphasises that they KNOWwhat they are doing do not care and hell even LIKE it !!
Mine used to get really into watching and reading stuff about psychopaths. He went so far as to ask me if i thought they shpuld be branded somehow as they were such a danger to society…. i really think he knew he was “different”. We even met david icke one time and he asked him straight up about his “reptillian” theories were they an analogy to psychopaths living amongst us…. it was one of those times i noticed his really intense ‘paying attention’ type behviour when david icke gave him the answer…. I think he was getting off on pulling the wool over someone who is a self styled expert on these things… just wow.
Martha I remember you sharing this. I am so glad you didn’t let him off the hook with the “we” BS.
My “husband” does this and it drives me bananas.
I don’t let him off the hook either. It is his job to tell our daughter that HE wants a divorce…she knows already that HE lied and HE cheated…I will not be doing his dirty work and I dread how she might react. He has not told her yet….
We had a similar marriage and home life temperament…how shattering to go from all three of us laughing hysterically in the same bed after fireworks July 4 2017 (we all laughed and had so much fun together, or so I thought) to finding out a cheating accomplice was in our orbit that same July 4 2017…..the only word that comes to mind is EVIL.
Velvet Hammer, yep the only word that comes to mind for my ex is evil too. I told him to his face that what he did to me was evil. In all my 48 years, I never once called anyone I knew evil. And that’s what he is to me and that’s all I can see now that I’ve seen behind his mask of sanity. Hopefully you can be around when your “husband” tells your daughter. Cheaters spin big tales when we are not around, so he might try to do the same with your daughter.
As for your Fourth of July 2017 — it’s amazing how they can lead double lives and still act normal at home. I can only imagine what else was going on behind my back that I didn’t know about. My ex is a great actor, so I’m sure there is tons of times that I thought all was well in our lives, but he was carrying on with some howorker behind my back. I keep telling myself, “God has seen it all.” and I try to rest on that.
YES. I am majorly confident that and fine with God knowing his truth. He has to live with being evil….he is ignorant that he is responsible for his unhappiness unhappiness (lying, cheating, hurting others, lack of integrity, etc. is how NOT to be happy in your own skin!) and I get to eject out of the “wife” seat which means he can’t blame me anymore and whoever his next entanglement is gets his poison arrows….
And I will be present when he tells her.
I’ve already experienced months of her double-checking with me what he says and does because obviously she doesn’t trust him….for good reason and how sadly tragic that her own father, the ONE MAN ON THE EARTH SHE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TRUST FOR JIMINY CRACK CHRISTMAS SAKE put that in her shopping cart. Fuck I am angry angry angry angry angry angry about that.
how sadly tragic that her own father, the ONE MAN ON THE EARTH SHE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TRUST FOR JIMINY CRACK CHRISTMAS SAKE put that in her shopping cart. Fuck I am angry angry angry angry angry angry about that.”
Velvet Hammer, I am so right there with you. 3/12 years since D-day and he has yet to talk to our oldest son and daughter (18 and 22) about what he did to me and to them. He just continues to gaslight them by acting like he never did anything to permanently scar them personally and in their future romantic relationships. His take is that everything is fine because he by golly he is capable of ignoring it so they should, too. He makes it out like time has passed so even if they have grievances against him and how he fucked up our entire world, they should let should just let it go and act happy around him like he’s fucking dad of the year. ????
I figured she would experience trauma from the outside world, not from her OWN FATHER in HER OWN HOME, places that should be SAFE AND SACRED. I am coming into some bigtime rage as I approach the one year DDay mark. Setting my sails for the Class 5 hurricane….man I am pissed.
I think there was a 4th reason for RonBurgundy, self-absolution. If he could tell himself the marriage had been “over for years” he didn’t have to look at himself as a cheater and a bad person. Or InternWhore as a homewrecking skank. It was just that the marriage was really over; yeah, that’s the ticket! He could sadsausage the narrative with others he worked with, his family (including his cheater dad), and his adoring public. Never mind the evidence to the contrary, the newspaper interviews about our “sacramental” marriage, the cards full of loving sentiments to me, and the presence of 3 small children, one still an infant. And while he did me an enormous favor in the long run, I’m still pissed about the effects on my kids.
Yes, this applies to my cheating wife too. They are Good People in their own eyes and deserving of happiness. Never mind the destruction they leave in their wake, most of which could have been avoided with a little self-awareness and honesty. My wife essentially told me, I’m sorry you’ve been hurt but I’m not responsible for your pain… everybody cheats… this is working out for me and you only live once. (We also had an infant at the time who is 20 months old now).
This is best viewed as revealing how effed up she is….how awful and painful for you.
Let me follow that logic….when I stab you, you are responsible for that pain…..OMFG.
Neuroscience shows that emotional pain lights up the same receptors in the brain as physical pain….
HUGS to you…..????
CheaterPrick got shit-faced at a strip bar one night and peeled Pole Pussy off the stage — from that night on I ceased to exist. He was distant, distracted, contemptuous, petulant. I had no idea whatsoever for a month then found out the hard way and when I confronted him I got: “I’m sorry for how we ended” followed immediately with “but happiness is a choice.” So as I’m trying to wrap my head around the word “ended” I get blamed for any messy objectionable emotion I might be having because I could choose to be happy, were I not such a slacker.
Cold as ….. well, not ice exactly ……. more like LIQUID FUCKING NITROGEN.
Gotta say though, I now have the equivalent of a PhD + postdoc in Disordered Fuckwit Identification. Basically, any time someone says or does something that reminds me of him, it turns out they are people best avoided or minimized.
Yep. Their egos are too fragile to admit that they are shitty people. So the faithful spouses and innocent children *must* be the shitty element instead.
“I quit this marriage a long time ago”. There were many “additional reasons” that came up in post discovery discussions; mostly centered on my defects or things I didn’t do in the marriage. I took immediate action when I KNEW of her A(s) and made her move to another bedroom.
She moved in with her AP and my discard was complete after 4 days of me knowing.
Then the PMD on my part. She toyed with me in my sorrow whilst I begged her to stop and return to our marriage. That is what hurt the most. Every encounter with her hurt. I ordered LACGAL and things started to change once I became educated on the deranged nature of serial cheaters. Soon after my Cheaters 101 coursework, finding SI and CL/CN, I begrudgingly (aka Hopium) took steps to investigate the legal process, lawyer up and collect evidence.
I detailed for her the consequences ahead should we go to court and prepared a separation agreement which she signed. I got property, vehicles and knew this deal breaker would end in divorce. 29 June this year- finalized. I could have told her anything and she would have believed it but Consequences was my bargaining tool. She was too involved and refocused to get her own legal council. (Hard work- Cheaters LIKE EASY.)
I told our grown children, family and friends the truth. Alienation…Consequences. It was all worth her truwuv with Camperboy (and others). Reality has not set in yet to my knowledge. I don’t care what happens to her now. I’ve been NC for months. I didn’t tell her about the D being finalized. If she wants to know she’ll have to do the legwork herself. I’m DONE.
I didn’t do the private eye investigative work on her narrative. More pain shopping involved with that task. And what would it benefit me other than to show me the further depths of her depravity. I knew enough to satisfy my need to know what I was dealing with. I’d seen the face of the Dragon and her evil. It was over for me when the real xw manifested herself in my wife’s body and soul in front of my eyes.
More evidence and ‘trophies’ emerged when I went through everything in our marital home to take what I wanted possession-wise. Burner phones, notes of Thanks, phone records. She was good at hiding things from me. No doubt. A camper with slide outs doesn’t have much storage room so about the only things she took was clothing. (Later, tablets which probably had more evidence). It didn’t matter at that point.
So now the only way she can contact me is by unannounced ‘visits’ or e-mail (she won’t put anything in writing). I’m getting my new role sorted out learning that NO is a complete sentence and shunning her like a disease when I do have to suffer her Rage channel episodes. These are less frequent and next time I see her I will tell her she is not welcome on my property.
SO,…I’d like a little Schadenfreude,… with a side of Karmic vengeance Please. Hopefully in the form of a gorgeous authentic woman I can spend the rest of my life with, or an awakened Marcus- spiritually, emotionally and cognizantly-free from the debris of the carnage she caused.
In my heart of hearts, I KNOW the Universe, HP, whatever… was protecting me. WE chumps are a force for GOOD in this existence, Surely we must be looked after and protected by warring forces beyond our control. Future Hindsight will only attest further to this. There are NO COINCIDENCES.
Copying and pasting Marcus….thank you….esp the pain shopping reminder. All I need to know is that on the afternoon of DDay (actual discovery was the evening) he was with her. I had called him and he did not answer, as had become usual. He had been so hard to get ahold of I actually brought it up in counseling. We have a child together…why are you so hard to get ahold of? You are surgically attached to your phone! He later told me that when he saw that I had called him (while he was with her) he said, “Darn…it’s my wife.” Way more than enough said. I don’t need to know ANYTHING more about this ignorant evil selfish shallow horrible mean ugly soulless abusive spiritually-and-emotionally bankrupt alien life form.
She left for camperboy who had a camper with slide outs. Only we at CN get the absurdity of cheaters.
Slide puts. Good for her. This is exactly what she deserves. Slide outs FOREVER. ????????????
Ummmm Marcus Lazarus, do I know you?! My ex husband moved his OW into our camper complete with slide outs after he walked out on me and our son. He initially left to go live with the OW, but after he was gone for 2 weeks, his mother made him feel guilty enough about leaving his 12 year old son and moving 10 hours away he came back. His solution: bring OW back here, take our camper from our riverside lot, set it up in his parents back yard in the middle of winter and live there in pure lovers’ bliss for eternity (??!!) Who cares if it’s10 degrees outside! Our love will keep us warm!
As one could imagine, their love in fact couldn’t keep them warm and that relationship fizzled pretty quickly. Our divorce was finalized about 3 months after he left. He tried to get me to take him back–campers are cold in the winter! I told him to go get f**ked and all the while he was trying to convince me to let him come home, turns out he was trolling for other women too. He quickly found another victim and moved in with her and the cycle will undoubtedly continue because he’s a sucking black hole that can never be satisfied with anything.
Marcus, you seem well on your way to gaining a life! And I’m with you–I know a HP was looking out for me too, doing something for me that I would never have done for myself. This was the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever gone through but now I can look back and honestly say the cheating dumbass did me a favor. My life is so much more peaceful and so much less stressful. And like you as well, I hold out hope that maybe someday I’ll be lucky enough to meet a truly great guy, not just someone who masquerades as one. Best to you Marcus 🙂
On d-day, when I felt like I had been hit by a freight train, my cheater told me, “I thought you wanted this.” and “Now you have an excuse to leave.” Mind you, we had just welcomed a child five months earlier, and we had just returned from a “re-connection” weekend trip post-baby that actually felt authentic to me. I thought we were happy and doing just fine and that the strain was normal due to the new baby, sleep deprivation, etc. Divorce was the last thing I wanted and I obviously did not want my wife sleeping with someone else!
When I filed 8 months later after a failed reconciliation that completely wiped me out body and soul, my cheater wife cried and begged me to give her 60 days to test out the other relationship to “make sure it’s the real thing.” Seriously. So much entitlement and blame-shifting. It’s astonishing. And never ending.
After I filed, she moved out of our home and directly into the home of the wealthy “soul mate” AP. They set up a nursery for my son, where he stays 50% of the time. She beams on social media in her “happy new life.” She still has the support of her family and close friends, who have all essentially turned their backs on me. Yet, she continues to punish me with the legal system, filing frivolous motions and requiring me to spend thousands to reply. She harasses me during my parenting time by sending multiple emails and texts every day. She’s now claiming that she wants to take our home in the divorce, demands that I pay her monthly spousal maintenance in the thousands, and also wants more than 50/50 parenting time and an unfair amount of child support from me. I’ve done nothing to deserve this- I just want out of this marriage quickly and quietly, and a peaceful co-parenting arrangement with her for my son’s sake. She got what she wanted with the soul mate — why can’t she just focus on that and leave me alone??
Do they resent us having our children at all? I read that narcs are among the rare people who actually enjoy and seek the scortched earth scenario.
Yes, mine did this. Went scorched earth. And planned it all out years in advance. Looking back he probably had APs on the side throughout our 28 year “relationship,” I was just too naive to see it. Funny thing though, he was interviewed by the local paper and waxed poetic about his beautiful life and wife the same month he bounced, I laugh when I see it. Proves he’s a disordered fuck.
What a disgusting hypocrite!
” Funny thing though, he was interviewed by the local paper and waxed poetic about his beautiful life and wife the same month he bounced, I laugh when I see it. ” Yep. This. RonBurgundy gave an interview to the Catholic newspaper about our sacramental marriage in September that was reprinted in the city newspaper in November. In between those dates he had begun a relationship with InternWhore and started to treat us like crap. Revealed he “wasn’t happy” in January, moved out in February. Youngest was 7 months old.
Mine insisted we renew our wedding vows after he recovered from a life threatening illness. Five months later I caught him fucking the Slut Puppet at the Econo Lodge.
You can’t make this shit up.
Focus on getting that dissolution done. Go all out equal 50-50 everything and get your lawyer to draft up that agreement quickly. Do NOT listen to what she wants, present her with offers until she accepts. Don’t sell yourself short just to get rid of her though. Know your worth.
She sounds like a sociopath. I’m not one for diagnosis but her behavior isn’t just “narcissism.”
Yes, and divorcing a Sociopath has to be one of the most crazy inducing experiences one will ever go through. While they cheated, lied and stole, THEY will do everything possible to continue to lie and steal during the divorce process (all costing you in additional legal fees).
So if you are still her focus and she’s trying to make you miserable it seems pretty obvious she’s not happy- misery loving company and all. Happy people aren’t interested in mayhem and discord and marketing “happiness” is just image management. It reminds me of when people in social media make a huge fuss about how wonderful their partner is and the partner isn’t on social media – who’s the intended message for? The way I see it, your ex is trying to sell you something – call it misery or envy or irritation – whatever it is it isn’t good for you or your child-so stop buying it. Get out in front of the mess she’s creating and shut that shit down. Good lawyers are so awesome at flipping the switch and pushing these dirtbags to a defensive position which is what needs to happen for you. In the meantime, go radio silent to the best you can. Silence is POWERFUL. The best deal makers in the world use silence in power plays because it is unnerving to people who try to provoke responses.
I went silent during my divorce for over six months. My lawyer (aswesomest ever) coached me. My ex nearly lost his mind it freaked him out so bad that I couldn’t be talked to, tamed, cowed, intimidated, reasoned with, engaged, coaxed, lied to or sweet talked. The result was when we went to the negotiation table he was exhausted and fraught but I was icy calm and focused. It gave me huge power. I heard through the grapevine that his AP was also in full panic mode because they made up in their heads some huge plot that I was planning all because I was silent. It’s like in a great horror movie when what you don’t see is so terrifying.
They say all sorts of bullshit and pull all sorts of horseshit- it’s who they are! A lying cheat is a lying cheat and while we wish it didn’t have to be that way it IS that way. You can’t think that all their current shit is different than their past shit- that makes zero sense. It’s not going to stop, they’re not going to stop but you can wrestle the reigns away from their creepy grasp and do your damnest to kick their asses into the gutter where they belong, dust yourself off , get the hell out of Dodgy City and go enjoy the sunset.
*reins ????
Power. Cheaters typically get off on power–any flavor of it: emotional, financial, practical. And it can be wielded to “pay you back” for something. What did you do? Damaged her impression management, and her ability to control the trajectory of your marriage because you filed first.
She’s a sick puppy. I’m sorry you have to deal with the court cases. Ignore the texts that come in during your parenting time and set up Our Family Wizard for all communiques except for emergencies.
Yeah, mine told me it had been over for seven years. Then it was five years (the length of the affair before being caught), then told me that no, he actually loved me. Then told me he didn’t. Then told me he was “confused” about it. He told me he had planned to divorce me in a few years but keep seeing her in the meantime, while never giving me any inkling of his intentions. Then it wasn’t a plan, just an “idea”. Then he claimed he’d changed his mind in the spring sometime and wanted to recommit.
He lied to me constantly even after dday, while swearing he sincerely wanted to change. What. An. Asshole.
CL I’d print this out and mail to my ex if I thought he wouldn’t project it back in me in a negative light. He pretty much did the opposite of all those things. 1. He kept acting like we were married though he ws plotting escape—setting up a couples date (which should have been a red flag cause he never had done that but chumpy me saw it as a sign of hope). 2. No communication, unless you count him getting drunk and insulting me. 3. I filed. Even after saying the shitty things and acting shittily I was the one who had o take all the action. And splitting of the assets??? Well, let’s just say we’ll end up in court cause his idea of fairness doesn’t comport with the laws.
So I guess I wasn’t married to much of an adult…funny how long I went thinking I was
Why do all the dudes get beaten up when there are chump dudes who do the right stuff I’ve got 2 adult kids boy/girl I’m the one that got the shaft along with my kids I took Creature back 1time she left again 3weeks later I’m a farmer I almost lost land that had been in my family since the 30s I’m deeply in debt I’ll be 82 yrs when the divorce loan is paid for I’m 53
They take advantage of our good natures.
Hi D – I’m sorry this happened to you. So glad you still have the land!
Sadly it’s the rest of your gender that let you down – society assumes that the man is in the wrong because it mostly IS the man in the wrong. It’s vastly unfair for you and all the other dude chumps. I always feel that the dude chumps here on this site are super precious and brave to be here. Please make your voice heard and please keep doing the right thing – set a great example for Mandom! Hugs to you and yr kids x
Agreed. Chumped men on this site are precious and valuable. Please don’t think we’re picking on you. We’re just telling our stories and most of us are women.
We love that you are being brave and sharing your stories here. We’re all this together buddy.
I learned at a party that we’d been separated for six months. News to me, but that was the story being circulated at ex’s workplace. I wish I’d gotten that memo when the rest of the crowd did.
Oh, the “I was miserable for years” BS. No, I was mind-fucked for years. The entire time he was fucking OW, craigslist hook-ups, and people he bought to have sex with, he was sending ME sweet, loving notes, keeping me conveniently in the dark. Yes, I knew something was up – I’m not THAT stupid – but he always, ALWAYS reassured me that he was just under some stress, etc., and God, I wanted to believe him. I asked him point blank if he was having an affair, and the downright lying started. Should I have gotten a detective? Probably. But it never crossed my mind to do such a thing, because I guess I projected my values onto him, and I have nothing to hide.
Chump Nugget O’ Wisdom to share…
Last night’s Al Anon meeting was attended by a member who is a specialist on trauma and children. He said there are three components essential to healing: safety, predictability, and good listening. I immediately felt better; those are established in the nuclear winter crime scene that my home was turned into by my “husband”. The second thing that went deep is HOW IMPOSSIBLE IT IS TO BE IN A MARRIAGE WITH MY HUSBAND. THERE IS NO SAFETY, NO TRUST, NO GOOD LISTENING, NO (POSITIVE) PREDICTABILITY. It is a traumatizing entanglement of danger, chaos, and lying….the OPPOSITE OF WHAT I NEED OR WANT. Since he left in February, I have reminded him 80,000 times that the parents talk FIRST when making plans regarding our daughter. It is MY crazy to expect sanity from him. The word is INCAPABLE. Incapable of integrity, trustworthiness, safety, sanity, healthy, emotional literacy, decency….my fuses blow trying to comprehend….????
Wow, I’m with you on that – no safety, no trust and no listening. Only extremely negative predictability. Just wow. Even after so many years on CL I’m still amazed at how similar our stories are!
My default hearing to make the divorce final is on Sept 21. The STBX has been saying since April that we are already divorced based on the fact that I was through with his unending selfishness and I wanted out of the marriage. I thought that after knowing each other for 28 years been married for 26 that we could do this amicably and be friends. I was so wrong.
As far as I know, in April he decided he was ready to start dating. He began his relationship with his girlfriend in May, it was not even a D-Day as he was completely honest and upfront about this new relationship even though divorce papers had not been filed yet and we were still living in the same house and our daughter, 16 had to witness him on the phone with and going off on weekend getaways with said new girlfriend while I tried to keep from losing my mind until I told him he had to move out. He said I was punishing him and he wasn’t ready to move out but I forced the issue. He moved out on July 15, stayed at his dad’s for 1 week and then moved in with his girlfriend (3 hour drive away from us) on July 22. Our daughter wants nothing to do with him now. Things have been a lot better since he’s moved out with the exception of his siting “Parental Alienation” because our daughter is not speaking to him. I cannot wait for next Friday to come so that I can really actually officially be divorced. I don’t even know how visitation is going to work if she’s refusing to speak to him, because of the abandonment, the girlfriend and he emptied her bank account, along with the fact that she sees him for what he is now and does not see any reason to keep a relationship with him. He’s going to be lucky to see her once a month if at all. He is expecting them to have an, “open, loving respectful relationship” that a child has with her father when their parents are no longer together. His words, not mine. Is it awful to wish he’d just give up and leave us alone?
monimoni…. Make sure the wording in the ‘Time Sharing’ portion of your divorce agreement states that your child will reside primarily with you subject to reasonable time share periods for ex by agreement of the parties as DESIRED BY THE CHILD. The father shall reach out to child to arrange for timeshare.
This, along with other time share info… vacations, 30 day notice, holiday division, was also included in my agreement. My kid was 17, nearly 18, at the time of divorce and like yours did not want anything to do with her dad. She never visited. Went NC long before I did. If you can work on the wording for division of vacations and holidays, so your 16 year old can decide- especially if she has a job. It is easy for her to get out of having to spend time with him if she doesn’t want to. Good luck and visit the forums if you haven’t already. Lots of great advice there.
Thank you so much PostItNoteBully – I have been so stressed out about how to do this and advocate for my daughter. You have given me hope that I can do this!!
You can do this!
You have already made your ex leave the house and are moving closer to no contact!!!
My ex tried to accuse me of sharing too much info with my daughter, complaining to his lawyer who then contacted my attorney. They are just trying to look like the victim. In my case, I explained to my attorney that my daughter and her dad were not close. Her dad was verbally abusive and very impatient with her. My lawyer explained that some parents consider spending time together as simply being in the same house, but in different rooms. I hope your lawyer is more on your side, than mine was. However, I can thank my lawyer for the language he used in the Time Share/Custody portion of the agreement.
Go for full-time custody with time share with dad as desired by daughter. Your daughter is old enough, so you only have to deal with maybe 2 Christmases, Thanksgivings, Summers, etc. Try to include that time spent during vacation and holidays are also to be decided upon by the child as she may have commitments (school, band, sports, club, meetings, trips, babysitting, part-time work, etc)
It may have been easier for me to have this language put in because my daughter was 3 months from turning 18 and ex didn’t expect his daughter would go no contact. She wasn’t full on no contact until a bit after she got her Dad’s car in her name (a car in which I paid half of, I had to remind Father of the Year of, lol)
Good Luck! You got this!
PostItNoteBully…you do not know how much it means to me to have you share your experience and give me encouragement. My heart is so full of gratitude! I am going to do everything you’ve suggested. She is exactly 18 months away from 18. I’m sure it’s going to be a long year and a half.
Today he sent me an email asking me to to tell our daughter that he’s so sorry he moved away, he had no idea how to handle a separation. What exactly am I supposed to do with that? UGH…
Have daughter open up a new gmail acct (or any email account) for her to correspond with her dad. That email acct is only for her and her dad. Give her dad the address, tell him to send that message to her himself. It is then up to your daughter to check on the email account from then on out. If she doesn’t check it and read what her dad has to say, it’s on her and not you.
Also, since he knows where his daughter lives- he could mail a letter to her explaining that he is sorry he’s moved away. Why does he not do that? Because he’s lazy! It’s easier for him to get you involved. Then if it doesn’t work out and daughter doesn’t think he’s super awesome best dad ever, then he can blame you. Get out of that triangle!
I believe my ex was more than happy to have daughter not wanting to spend much time with him. He could look like a victim to his AP and he didn’t have to see daughter’s face looking down on him disapproving his poor moral character. My ex is a big coward who wants to live in a world where he feels great all the time and there are no consequences for bad behavior.
Also, see if he will help pay for her tuition. My ex is not. I could not add it into the agreement, although some chumps have been successful in doing so. Will she be covered by his health insurance? If so, until what age. Also, if she’s under his insurance, include language to protect her privacy (itemized bill only, no other details required as to why daughter went to primary care dr, gyno, etc. especially if she’s covered until age 26)
When it comes to dividing up assets, retirement accts, IRAs have full names written on those pages, instead of wife. I had to bring all 17 pages of my agreement into the bank to split those accts. Have exact dates for all coverage, support, and payments. My brother had me include “in the event that asshole is delinquent by more than 30 days with any child support payment, a wage assessment will be entered” My attorney didn’t think my ex was that kind of guy… ex had been playing the part of nice guy, paying for half of expenses before the divorce. Well, even though ex only had to pay CS for a few months after the divorce, he made sure he suddenly forgot for 29 days to the day. He did not get me to break no contact over this.
My daughter and I have absolutely no strings attached to ex, as she is on my insurance (ex has to pay a % but I do not for see her needing any medical care) and he’s not helping with anything… tuition, car ins. He doesn’t even know where we live. I don’t care if he does. I am no contact. He can’t control me anymore. It’d be nice if he was remorseful to his daughter and they could have something healthy, but that’s not happening right now. Maybe years down the road. I dunno.
There’s more… keep track of the days that have gone by where he he hasn’t made the effort to call his daughter, to write a letter and mail it to her, to text her, to email her, to visit her, to go to her school events and award ceremonies, etc. Establish that pattern of all these times he’s chosen not to get involved in her life, so you can counter that alienation bullshit. My ex went 21 days without even a simple “hello” text to his daughter. I never had to use that info in court, but presented it to my shitty lawyer. It was good to have it.
I’m going to be lucky to get CS at this point. Tuition is out of the question. He is working 4 days a week as an independent contractor so he can have long weekends to do his music. See where this is going? I am paying for her insurance and everything else. They have texted in August but she has asked him not to contact her for a while. I like the email idea. I might just do that and stay out of the triangle.
I love your name – can I assume your asshat used to leave you post-it notes?
I am shocked, stunned, and speechless. Lawyer again, “How is that going to happen if you are incapable of being open, loving, and respectful?”
I AM SO GLAD YOU “punished him and forced the issue”. He deserved it and you can tell him
I said so. Mothereffer.
Velvet Hammer – I know, you can’t make this stuff up right? I told him that I wasn’t punishing him, I was standing up for myself. Major boundaries have been set, communication through email only and he is not permitted at my house anymore.
I am meeting with an attorney this week to make sure all my wording in the final decree is correct and with CN’s help I will get this DONE! I am so glad I found this place!!
Tell him there’s a line of people waiting to punish him and I am first in it…..! Good luck this week slamming the door in the face of evil. ❤️ to you.
From an email OWhore sent to Fucktard when Fucktard and I were attempting reconciliation:
“If you were to choose me, it seems to me, you would be a man who walked away from a long dead marriage. Yes, you chose a bad way to do it. Yes, you . . we . . caused more pain than necessary. But it would have been the right thing, it seemed and seems to me, to do. You were and are an honorable man who made mistakes.”
Just…wow.
WHOAH. Send her a dictionary with a copy of Miss Manners. I am sure both are missing from her library.
That’s a great one for the UBT. ????
So many cheaters just want a “do over” in life. They have failed and only have themselves to blame. Cheating makes them feel like winners and is an easy out to escape reality. My super entitled ex was allowed to drink on the job, co-owning 3 businesses. He was given chance after chance after his DUI, getting support from an adorable daughter and beautiful wife, his Christian business partners offered help…but in the end he lost it all. Poor ex quit drinking after he got fired and lost ownership of his businesses, only to try to prove that he wasn’t an addict- He didn’t quit drinking to be a better person, dad, husband, boss, and business partner. Image control all the way.
He escaped all the hard work rebuilding a life after his addiction affected his wife and daughter 18+ years. He doesn’t have to stay sober anymore. He can forget all his fuck-ups, blame them on others, get a “do over” with a love bombing ex girlfriend from college, drink, smoke, eat poorly, and be lazy.
Good riddance!
Yes…and they get to do over what they ran from. Last laugh is coming…..just ask Jennifer Aniston!
Cheating is a relationship geographic that is just swapping deck chairs on the Titanic.
#lovemylifeboatseat
I just changed my “husband’s” name in my phone contacts to “Brad Pitt”…
Mine is “D** Dickhead”.
That would be a great Friday convo – contact nicknames and a reminder to stay NC.
My daughter had my phone when he called….she said “Why are you calling Daddy Lance Armstrong?”
Mine is simply “Loser”, with an image of a hand making the “L” gesture. This was a huge step in going/staying NC.
I used the DMV custom license plate page to create an image of a custom California license plate that reads “CHEATER”. Then I took a screen shot of it….I use that image for his contact picture on my phone. Thank you, Steve Jobs!
*DMV website
I got this from XW. She has never admitted to the affair but did once tell me “I want you to know that nothing happened until our marriage was already over”. Not terribly convincing considering that we were still married when she said that. I took this to mean “At some point I decided the marriage was over but I didn’t bother to inform you of that”. I imagine – given her Catholic upbringing – her deciding the marriage was over coincided very closely with their first sexual encounter. I am also pretty sure that she thinks that it’s just a coincidence that the two events – giving up on her marriage and deciding to fuck someone else – occurred in such close temporal proximity. She’s not big on introspection.
To her credit, though, as soon as she gave me the ILYBINILWY speech she refused all physical contact with me, and wouldn’t discuss our relationship or marriage in any meaningful way. When she went over to him, she transferred her emotional and sexual loyalty completely and wholeheartedly. No hoovering from her!
The X didn’t hoover either. When he made his decision, he transferred his loyalty to her. His wife of 18 years meant nothing. To this day, he has neither denied or admitted that she even exist or that they are now a couple. However this was preceded by 2 months of weekly visits to the hookers. Go figure….
I know it’s not supposed to be the pain Olympics here, but I really think that the hoovering would have been worse. It’s brutal either way, but at least with a sudden discard it doesn’t stretch out for years and years. I know that one of my deepest fears was that my XW would suddenly, in the middle of divorce negotiations, agree to try to reconcile. There are three kids in the mix, so I wouldn’t have been able to say no for their sake. Luckily (I guess) she never contemplated working on the marriage so I never faced that dilemma.
Ok…definition of “hovering” please!
Thank you!
*hoovering
Think of a vacuum – the cheaters try to suck you back after a separation.
My STBxW told me 5 months after DD#1 and DD#2 “our marriage had been over for ages.. I fought for you these last 12 months. She had started 1 physical affair 16 months ago, and 3 emotional affairs at the same time. 2 weeks into our marriage.
I’m so glad I got the memo in time!
Trust that they suck 😛
This is pretty much what the OW said to me when I called her right after my H confessed the affair -“your marriage was over before I came along”
This came from her, my so-called friend of many years, who was always at my house, who watched us get along, go on vacations, romantic weekend getaways, date nights all the time long before their affair began.
Then there were at least 3 romantic weekends, and several date nights during their 7month affair – I just didn’t see any issues in our marriage and it really hurt that she said that after all the pain she had already caused me.
She has to think that your marriage was over, and will cling to that “truth”. Otherwise she is just another whore
Oh and what a whore she is, I found out so much about her after the fact. She was running around town sleeping with everyone and then acting like a godly woman and sitting in her bible studies every week ????
My marriage was over the day it started!!!!
I thought I married prince charming. So did everyone else. He led me to believe he had waited 28 yrs for me and I me the same. So much in common (it was actually him mirroring me). 31 years later, 3 grown kids, couple grand babes, retirement years in sight, the truth really was the “Marriage was Already Over” the day we got married. He led a double life, serial cheating and doing a damn good job at it the entire marriage. Who gets off doing this to another person? How did he sleep at night, how do you cheat while the wife is pregnant, the kids were sick, we had a type 1 diabetic 3 year old that required constant care (me) family members are dying, wife is having miscarriage. I could go on but i won’t. It was shocking and traumatizing to see the lengths this man had lied to all. He had a law enforcement career, active in church, not a party kinda person and hid his secret life very well But to tell all the AP(long and short), random hook ups (slippers don’t give a shit) etc that he was divorced, separated, or single just blows my mind. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Truth was he was hooked on porn and cheating went hand and hand (no pun) with that. Lets just say at home he was a horrible lover.
Once the mask was pulled off and all the nasty discoveries unfolded so did the divorce from HELL. Now its almost been 3 years in MEH and his only request is that “can’t we just be friends”? WTH
On dday ex said he should have left 5 years earlier. WTF? Five years earlier I had caught him on a lie (not cheating related) & he was outright mean until later that night when low & behold he confused to being a closet/functioning alcoholic. I was shocked. He cried & begged me to help him get treatment. At that point we had been married over 20 years & I felt we could weather this storm. As far as I know he was sober for most of the next 5 years.
His dday hatred spewing was so bewildering that I asked him if he was drinking again. Surprise, surprise he was. Fell off the wagon & into the arms of the Owhore.
Yep, I heard this one, too. Along the same lines:
“You’re an awesome mother, but you’re not a wife.”
“You actually think this is a relationship?”
“I think it’s important to show the kids what a real relationship looks like.”
And when my 40th birthday came along, “Of course I want to celebrate my friend of 20 years.” It ended up being my worst birthday ever, not surprisingly, but I’ve had two wonderful post-cheater birthdays since then!
And when I came up with a fun date idea back when we were supposedly working on our marriage, “Yeah, I guess we can do that together as good friends.”
Those “friend” comments were the worst! I’d point out (before I knew he was cheating) that I wasn’t his “friend” but his wife. After I learned of his cheating, I pointed out that we’re not even friends because a friendship cannot exist without trust and mutual respect. But there’s no point in reasoning with a cheater whose non-logic makes him say things like, “But I already made my mind up that I was going to leave.” …despite not having notified me or the kids.
I have a friend of mine who told her husband that she wanted a divorce when her children were two and almost five. There was no infidelity on either side, no abuse, no crazy secret reasons for the split. She agonized over the decision. They were married too young, and in her words, not mine, she simply did not love him anymore. When she told him, he was absolutely blindsided. He was angry, and told her she could leave that night. Her own family did not speak to her for three YEARS, because he was a “nice guy” and they could not see why she would leave him. No matter how she tried to explain, they wouldn’t hear it. It was heartbreaking and painful, both for her, and to watch. Fifteen years later, her relationship with her ex is better than many marriages. The kids are happy, and her ex is engaged about a year ago to be married. She has been in two long term relationships, but still single. I have known them both for years, and yes, they are BOTH nice, good people. When she was going through the hell of the separation and divorce, she cried to us (her friends) how she understood why so many people stay in marriages even though they are not happy or in love anymore. She said it was the hardest thing she had ever done. Thankfully, when she told him she wanted a divorce, he didn’t threaten to take the kids from her, threaten suicide, or use any of the other cliche threats. Her own family tossed out the laundry list of reasons to her for staying… beautiful kids, nice house, nice man, etc. But the only thing that mattered was not on that list. She did not love him anymore. I think sometimes … often, in fact, people are just afraid of facing that type of situation. Sad, but true.
Interesting story @QueenBee — thanks for posting
My take — the fact that your friend has since had 2 long-term relationships of a similar length to what appeared to be her marriage (from the age of her children) speaks volumes — I would suggest that she is one of many who are “love addicted” — they crave the initial infatuation stage of a relationship, but are unable to see that through to a long-lasting mature love, and therefore break-up and look for a new relationship to get that ‘high’ again (at least she didn’t look for the new before finishing the old as all our cheaters did)
Another observation (and I make no apologies for posting this) — I run after-school activities for children and have worked with over 1,000 families in the past decade, so after a while you see patterns of behaviour — one of those is that recently divorced parents very typically have children around that age of 5 — I’ve read too that the first 7 years of child-rearing are the hardest for a couple and it seems that so many (the pull of our me-me-me shiny new narcissistic throw away modern world) are just not willing to put in the work and would rather just walk away assuming life will suddenly be better elsewhere because they’re “not happy”
Final take — I remember a relationship coach talking about a certain demographic that appeared regularly in his practice — single, divorced women in their 50’s that had left “nice husbands” because they were “not happy” and now years later regretted that divorce (or sometimes 1st divorce)
I’m both angry & sad about all this — my grandparents’ generation (WW2) knew real suffering and knew that you had to take responsibility, work hard, look after what you had, repair things — and they got to enjoy their later years together — now too many just want the instant gratification of the shiny & new and are never satisfied
…ok rant over 😉
Cheater tried to use the same line but forgot that we only got married less than a year ago before he got busted (we were engaged for at least 6 years… he had plenty of time to think about it), so he changed his line to “our relationship was long over” mmm so why did we get married? No one forced him to go to the church…
“even without OW in the picture we will still have lots of issues” that’s the reason why he wouldn’t leave OW because she’s not “the cause of the problem”. I gave up trying to understand his logic… those are not the real reasons they are just used to hurt us chumps
“even without OW in the picture we will still have lots of issues”
Probably the most honest thing he said. The “we” issues are him, by the way, unless you like being married to an entitled turd.
As hard as it is to hear, one day you will see her as cheater bait, and you will be grateful for people like her. If it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else–they’re all the same. They’re not special. There will likely be more after her.
I heard the same from my ex. Going on eight years later, I am grateful.
Your ex is not worthy of your love, my dear. Together you have issues. Alone you will be free. It gets better.
Well, here’s my curveball. Asshat and I lived together (unmarried) for 13 years. Then, he suddenly decided we needed to get married. Made a grand and unexpected gesture, drove me to the county clerk’s office to get a marriage license. Then insisted on a ‘family wedding’- we had to wait until the 29th day of the license’s 30-day validity to make sure that all of the family and friends could make it to the small gathering. He even picked out a wedding song- ‘Beautiful’, by Gordon Lightfoot. Awww.
Six months after our wedding day, I discovered he was fucking his best friend’s wife. When confronted, he told me that it didn’t affect me. We were just “roommates” after all. Um. Whut? When dragged to a counselor’s office, he stated dramatically that he had no intention of stopping seeing her. That was an UNREASONABLE DEMAND And I should be happy that he found ‘twu wuv’. And, I should stop calling him names and yelling at him. The counselor said that I should really work on my “anger issues”. Oh, what the hell ever. NOPE.
I had to continue living with him for 8 months after D-Day #1, due to financial reasons. A mere 3 months after D-Day #1, I discovered he had found himself a much younger shmoopie and was doing BOTH of them. Talk about a steady diet of shit sandwiches. Thank goodness I am free at last. I may eat PB and J or ramen noodles for a while. But I am firmly NO CONTACT and free.
I heard “the affair has nothing to do with our divorce!” as he moved into OW’s apartment. I don’t know what she told her spouse.
At some point in the nightmare I’m 5 months into (since D day), he text me and said, “but I was almost sleeping on the sofa”, as if that explained away the fact that he’d been seeing a 19 year old apprentice from work for a still unknown amount of time. My answer, “but you weren’t on the sofa were you? You were in our bed every night with me.”.
Arsehole