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Dear Chump Lady, Please kick my ass

Dear Chump Lady,

I’ve been doing good at no contact / grey rock for awhile now (8 months) and was getting to be a regular visitor to Meh.

But the cheaterpants was-band has a new Schmoopie and I got weak. I looked at his online profile and apparently he dropped the last one because — surprise, surprise! — his was not the only dick she was riding.

So now he’s posting all this crap about how “When love is real you would never cheat, if you truly love someone being faithful is easy, how you don’t have to have sex to be cheating” — and my personal favorite  — how cheating is the most disgusting, hurtful and disrespectful thing you could ever do, yadda yadda yadda.

I am so PISSED OFF! I know I need to let it go — get back to zero contact — meaning no stalking online — and focus on meh, but I’m really struggling. Please kick my ass back onto the right path.

Thanks,

TooSmartforthisShit

Dear TooSmartforthisShit,

We’ll get to your ex-is-a-flaming-hypocrite in a moment, but first I’d like to express my deep Schadenfreude — HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHA! Poor sad sausage. The Twu Wuv wasn’t real?  No!

Okay, I know that neither of these impulses is healthy — breaking no contact — or enjoying the contact high of schadenfreude — but don’t beat yourself up too badly (or expect me to). No contact is a discipline, which is generally achieved after a lot of failure. Relapse is normal. Dust yourself off and get back on the wagon.

As for schadenfreude — it’s not meh, the Nirvanic state of indifference to a cheater’s chaos — but enjoy a small bit of knowledge that things didn’t work out swimmingly for him. Yes, his keen sense of injustice is galling, but we’re dealing with a fuckwit here, Smart.

Let’s break down why you’re pissed off.

1. ) He doesn’t get to play the victim. For him to flagrantly display his hurt feelings (were there Pema Chodron memes?) means he’s claiming some moral high ground as One Who Has Been Horribly Done By. You know the truth — that he was quite okay to betray you to fuck strange. He’s not a star-crossed lover. The whole Heart Wants What The Heart Wants narrative is now shit, so he needs a new shiny bit of impression management. Cruelly Done By will do nicely.

You don’t control his bullshit. There are many things He’s Not. Victim is just one of many roles. Trust that he sucks.

2.) He threw everything away for THAT? Next enraging thing is that he threw everything away for something that didn’t work out anyway. You’re interpreting this as somehow devaluing YOU. Like, if it all worked out and it really was the Great Love of the Ages, there would’ve been some sense to breaking your heart.

No. He’s someone with lousy character who cheated on you. He would bring that crap set of life skills to ANY relationship. It’s not surprising that he chose poorly and that he got played.

3.) WHY CAN’T HE CONNECT THE DOTS? How can he not see what he’s suffering is exactly what he did to you? Why isn’t he doubled over with remorse? Because it’s ALL ABOUT HIM, Smart. Always was, always will be. The only pain that matters is HIS pain. Yours is an annoying buzz. Go away, there’s some shiny over there.

And trust me, you don’t want it to sorta kinda dawn on him, or he might circle back. All full of Lessons Learned and crocodile tears, telling you how this shitshow was really for a Greater Purpose — his own spiritual journey. Which made him now value you! (As Plan B).

Dear God, don’t let him realize what a powerful chump motivator “remorse” is.

Also realize he’s doing this chump decoy routine for his latest Schmoopie. He isn’t really calling out cheaters (he’s one) — he’s signaling to his next victim that he’s trustworthy because he Gets It. He Too Has a Wounded Heart.

More manipulation, more impression management.

Return to trusting that he sucks, and put down the pain. No peeking. No contact.

Not much of an ass kicking. Please accept this warm hug instead. (((((Smart))))

 

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  • Even those living the good life over in Meh have our slip ups!

    Put on your big girl panties and move along.

    I recently looked at Miss Piggy’s engagement photos on FB because my daughter said they were a little over the top.

    First time in years that I have cyber stalked her….but I did it and it kind of sucked. They looked all happy and stuff!!!

    But they are both cheaters, users and generally not good folks – so I have settled my feathers down and moved on.

    Your x has a sadz. He will find his next soulmate right around the corner ( hide ) and life will go on.

    As CL says – they aren’t deep. A replacement will be found and butterflies and kittens will be all over his next post for sure!!!

    Keep being fabulous and NC.

    • Thanks Lucky. I will. I don’t feel bad for his sadz even a little. Karma might be a bitch but she’s my very favorite one. I was (and still am a little) feeling outraged at his nerve. But as you say he is sniffing crotches for the next chump and sad puppy eyes is a good way to get away with that crap. FABULOUSLY Meh here I come.

      • ‘Sniffing crotches for the next chump’ – my early morning coffee has just gone all over my bed!! That phrase has just given me the best belly laugh in ages 😂 And the mental picture – oh the mental picture 😂😂 gives a whole new perspective. You have absolutely made my morning with that little gem. Thank you!

    • Lucky… you’re comment “put on your big girl panties” reminded me of a funny, empowering meme I saw recently… instead of using that comment it said… “put on your kick ass high heel boots and go commando”… made me laugh 🙂

    • It is always different when it is THEM getting hurt, don’t cha know? Their feelings are the important ones everyone has to understand.

  • “Contact high of schadenfreude” will have me laughing all day long. No, it’s not very meh, but it’s f-ing funny.

    Gotta find the laughter in the mess-Chump Lady never disappoints!

    • Yes on the laughter, second the CL never disappoints! My now ex (court was three weeks ago tomorrow) and I still share an Amazon Prime membership, which enables us to share books. Yesterday I went to manage my content/devices and discovered that he’s been snapping up titles by….PEMA CHODRON!– naturally including the one on managing pain.
      When I read CL’s take on “Pema Chodron memes” I laughed so hard and loudly I’m sure the neighbors next door could hear me. “Play the victim” indeed!

      • Yes this! My ex was at the soccer field, book in hand, titled The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness and Peace. I managed to not laugh out loud and snuck a photo to send to my girlfriend! What a douche canoe.

      • My husband has accused me of playing the victim, yet he does meth just like his mother does and she encourages it. She has been very toxic to us. I completely relied on this ass hole to take care of me and my son thinking I could. Because of him me and my son has been having to stay with my parents for the last TWO YEARS! The only time he isn’t here is o his dad’s week which is right now until Monday so I don’t even have my son here with me right now. I have only seen my husband 1ce in 5 months and you could cut the tension with a knife. Last night he told me he misses me. It seemed like he really meant it. He hasn’t told me that in a long time other then in text every once in a great while. It seems like we are slowly fading away. He’s all I know and all I have wanted is our life back (the time it was actually good). We used to be the couple everyone wanted to be and the life of the party so to speak. He’s possibly with someone else or has been if he still isn’t. I think he hates me now really. I have made plenty of mistakes in our marriage just like he has but I have really tried to make up for them. I just don’t know if I should hold out hope or just say fuck it and move on. He has said so many different things yet he told me 1 time in a message “has it ever occured to you I have never lied to you? Ever, so you can take everything I say seriously”…… Really?! From were I am sitting he has done a lot of lying in the last couple of years…. He has even told me he has never left but yet he told me about 3 or 4 different times now how I left him sitting at his ex wife’s house in South Fulton which is where his mother had also been staying at the time…. Yes I did!!!! It was insane. It’s like they would just constantly badger me about my wrongs like I’m to be forever punished and just wanted to keep me in turmoil!!! She even sent me a message on FB messenger about a week or so ago telling me I don’t care about him and in my eyes he did this and he did that and how dare him and told me I need to let him finish getting all the way over me and stop calling him and told me I know he’s going to take them when I do yet there has been times he hasn’t or if he did he’d end up getting an attitude and hang up on me. There has been things I thought I have heard in the back ground when we would be talking on video on messenger and he’d have the lights off in the bedroom at dark time. I don’t know if I’m just starting to losee my mind there or what but when his mother had sent me that message she had also said when he finishes getting over me the rest of the way if I will let him he will shine like a star. I mean I literally take that as letting him go so some other bitch can have him and take my place and after me giving 8 and a half years to this ass hole that’s not ok with me!!!! I know I don’t want to live like this forever though. I want to actually start being able to do things. I always wanted us to go out more like to Nashville Shores like we did in 2014 1 time and take the kids with us like we did that time but it just seems it’s never going to happen. My family can’t stand him. He has borrowed money from them and they call him a con artist because of it. My son had been born real early with asthma so I needed to be home with him. Thankfully he has gotten healthier the bigger he has gotten but now I’m not even getting to raise my only child because of all of this. I feel like a kid again myself….. I have looked online to see if I could meet anyone interesting since that’s the only way I really have to meet someone but nope! I have tried to get a job which seems impossible. I just don’t know what to do any more

  • Also I think, another example of a cheater stealing a chump’s identity for impression management purposes, they way they fill Facebook and dating profiles with our stolen favorite bands, movies, and books.

    • This! I can still hear him minicking things that I had said as his own. I don’t think he even realized how much of a sponge he was. He really thought they were authentic philosophies, etc. and if I pointed out to him how much he parroted me, then I was treated like I WAS THE narc who had to take credit for it all. So glad to see how I was gaslighted spelled out.

      • I accidentally stumbled across my ex’s dating profile. He had the nerve to plagiarize something I’d written in mind and passed off the sentiment as his own. If I was such a horrible spouse, why was he trying to find version 2.0?

      • It’s so pathetic how their Schmoopies get off on the idea of being chosen over us, without realizing that half the things they wuv about our spouses came from us. Ultimately it’s us they’re really obsessed with, whether they know it or not.

      • I would take it as a sign that he’d finally let me have a say in things, when he repeated to others something I’d tried to persuade him about. The only thing is, he never seemed to have any acknowleding of the fact it came from me. In fact, he could easily oppose me about something when it was us talking, only for me to hear him talk to someone else, making the point I was making to him. He would flip his opinion about things and never acknowledge that he’d been saying the contrary up to then, this was one of the very first things I noticed about him, but I thought he was young and free to change his mind. But the lack of acknowledgement/awareness, that always felt unnatural to me.

    • YES. So true for so many of us. I tried blocking my ex as much as possible in social but my brain knows I can always find him on two social platforms that suck at offering privacy. I cave sometimes because when I really wish I had not wasted so much time and energy in him, I really really want to find evidence his life isn’t going well. On his Instagram I recently found he posted about all these things that I like while he acts like these are his favorite bands, places to travel etc. It’s so creepy that Borderline and/or Narcissists really do identity stealing like it’s nothing. I am mostly meh. I relapse when I really wish I was in a loving relationship right now instead of still cleaning up/healing the mess he left in my head.

  • I post pictures of my kids on social media, I have about 50 “friends” who are mostly relatives, and carefully curated. I drop assholes all the time. And every privacy setting is on. Who the ever loving F needs to post “deep” drivel? Every single person reading that shit is rolling his eyes. I don’t understand SM as validation. And I know too many 40+ women who use it as their primary source of kibble, while ignoring the loved ones who are actually present. How is Laura from Lima ,Ohio, classmate from 1979 for 1 year, more important than the person who made the effort to be with you right now?! Chaps my ass.

    • I agree. I use SM for 2 things. One is to keep up with family who live long distance from here and the other is an on line support group for moms of special needs kids ( and only because there isn’t an in person one in my area) One of the was-band’s many annoying traits was ignoring us all for his phone. I never understood it until D day

      • Yes – I also use facebook for a rare illness support group. And yet even within that group there are kibble seekers who try to suck the energy of the group towards them only or post about things totally unrelated. There’s one we suspect doesn’t have the illness but is an attention/funds seeker, possible drug addict. My jaded nature makes me skeptical.

      • I too was ignored by my ex since he preferred his phone. We could be in the middle of a pleasant conversation, and when I would start talking, he’d pick up his phone and begin typing, reading or laughing. I’m certain he was love-bombing his next target while keeping roughly 5 other women on the hook to see who’d bite first. Glad someone finally took him off my hands.

        • Ugh. Cell phones….the new cigarette. I had a roommate for one very long month and she was on her phone and Ipad constantly, looking up at me on occasion to say ‘uh-huh’ once in a while. I told her that she didn’t need to talk to me, I was fine going off to watch TV or read. She said, ‘No!! I can talk to two people at the same time. Uh huh. She was separated from her husband at the time and she told me that one of his gripes about her was that she was always on her phone. I said ‘you are, and that would drive me insane too.’ They never get it though. I’m not sure why I cross pass paths with so many sparkly narcs. I’m working on that.

          • Narcs get bored very easily. Cell phones provide constant kibble, so of course they can “talk to two people at once”…ie: get kibble from everyone at the same time.

            I’m sure narcs can sniff you out. Keep learning about their symptoms/red flags, and you’ll get better at steering clear of them.

          • I was the one on the phone. Dickhead would make a comment as he came from the basement after working out for 2 hours. Oh, you have time for me now? Well, here, I will put the phone down so we can talk. And all I heard was crickets. I was ignored for 2 years and he wanted me to drop everything when it was convenient for him. Don’t miss those days at all.

            • same. wasband ignored me, and/or would give me the silent treatment. and then he would get all pissy because his silent treatment did not bother me. .. .. the only people i have on facebook are people i know in real life. one of his make believe complaints against me was that i was ALWAYS on facebook. which is not totally true. he would be giving me the silent treatment and THEN i would get on facebook to have an adult conversation with a real person who knew how to adult. .. . he would often come in and out of the house. for “stuff”. ( i now think he was checking on me, to see how his treatment was working on me .. .. only it wasnt working on me). .. . then he would get mad when he came in the house for good and i did not log off facebook right away. .. . he would scream at me “SEE. this is why i stay in the garage. YOU dont talk to ME!!! you are always on facebook. !!!!”

              so being the good little chump that i am. i would close the laptop and put it to the side every time he came in. it was ridiculous since he would still come in and out getting stuff/checking on me. so i adopted a personal rule that as soon as wasband came home from work i would log off and close the laptop. i would sit and watch tv instead or read a book until he decided to come in. .. .. although it STILL did not matter because he would STILL complain about how i ignored him for facebook and how i was always on the computer even thou i actually had not been on the computer/laptop while he was home for over a year.. ..

              nothing i did or did not do really mattered anyways. he was playing some kind of twisted make believe fairytale in his head. i never knew the rules and i could not keep up with all the plot changes. .. .. he ran off with the neighborhood party girl methhead 4.5 years ago and i have found my peace and happiness.

              • Mine would complain because I liked to read before bed. Often I would be up late reading because I was waiting for him to come to bed which was often quite late because internet news or who knows what all was more important. Once he did finally come to bed I always had to turn the light off immediately instead of finishing the chapter, paragraph or sentence so the light wouldn’t disturb him.

        • Oh, how I hate the phone. This was a persistent cause of friction with the XW, but I had pretty much resigned myself to being secondary to the phone in the marriage. However, I had to call XW on it when my daughter got a phone and I was trying to enforce the “no phones at the table” rule. In our last weeks together, XW resorted to sneaking the phone into her lap at dinner and peeking at it when she thought I wasn’t watching. Just ridiculous. I have hundreds of students every semester and I know exactly what it looks like when someone pretends to listen while actually attending to a hidden phone. I never thought I’d be facing this in my own house, from my own wife.

          • In hind sight, I think the phone being more important than the chump is just part of the devalue phase. All is fine now. Yes, he devalued me, however, now that I see him for the narc he is, I have zero value or respect for him. He reaped what he sowed.

      • Same here with the phone. A few years back we were at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade in NYC. Every single time I looked behind me to look at him (the kids and I were in front to view and he was standing behind us), he was looking down at his phone and texting. I was so irked! Here we were on a family vacation, checking off a bucket list thing we wanted to do and he’s texting and sending pics to one of his ho-workers and he later said he was talking to one of his guy friends about Fantasy Football. I don’t believe it anymore! He’d rather be with his ho-workers then his family. I can’t tell you how many times he was on his phone while we were on family vacations or outings. Oh, because he said he was “so important” at work. Yeah, right. I trust that he sucks epically!

  • Gosh, what a rotten man. I just still can’t understand how grown people pull this stuff but that’s skein I don’t need to concentrate on.

    Keep being smart, Smart! Sounds like you’re doing really well overall. Can’t wait to be where you are.

      • Ouch! But the only reason I didn’t have my D-day on one Christmas Eve, several years ago is that I am really stupid, Smart.

        • Clear-

          Here is one wise thing I have learned – you are NOT stupid. You are a good person and being a good person is nothing to be ashamed of. Bad people are really good at tricking good people. I only got this through my head with a jack hammer – be smarter than I was and let that shit sink in now!!

          Hugs –
          I Wasn’t Always

          • Love your response!!!! Thanks a million. Will keep that jack hammer hammering!

            You know what? My performance at many different aspects, including work, is better now after divorce (very time-consuming). I thought it was because I am older (66), but I now with your insight I think it is because I am cheater-free.

            take care Smart, you seem to be doing very well!

            • Hi…meekly popping in on this discussion.
              Maybe THAT’S why he found a lover!
              My fault, after all!

              When he wished for me to quit my career in 1996, I was totally lost.
              No friends from work anymore, no contacts, and along came the computer.
              I had always had an interest in tech…even as a young kid (how to assemble a broken toaster, etc).

              These were the times of long-waits on dial-up, and I stayed on top of the technology through the years as my little hobby while he was working upstairs. Eventually, the computers started to bore through his peaceful paper-life business and he needed my help in figuring out all his new computers the office sent him. By then, I had pretty well versed myself. And, got a real job as his tech supervisor in our home office from the head company. Subsequently, I also set him up in a vacation home in the mountains so he could work from there. It took me hours to establish internet connections. ANYWAY..

              I eventually insisted he get a cell phone for his business (bond business) because all the younger guys were using them and he needed to learn this new technology, like or not, to stay competitive.

              Meanwhile, I kept up with the latest tech gadgets.
              I started reading books on my iPad, chatting with family, and generally enjoying the social part as I’m a pretty social person.
              Maybe I was ignoring him?
              He was busy watching James Bond Films on high volume that rocked the house, and I put my earplugs into the computer and did my thing.

              OK. Stop this SheChump.
              I did not serve him up the affair due to my hobby that he used to start it with!
              He had the tools and suddenly, his life changed…oh my.
              Bliss, he FOUND a g/f with his phone, and it wasn’t even a smart phone.

              And, that damn cell phone was the downfall.
              My idea.

              There’s my fairy tale story~

              • No one makes someone else cheat. Don’t fall for that mind fuck. I spent a lot of time lost there post D day but it is just not true. He made that choice. If he was unhappy he had lots of other choices he could have made: A Make an effort to be more interesting than your computer hobby B propose a joint hobby you could share, C act like a freaking adult and tell you he was unhappy and wanted things to change, D Tell you he was leaving and take the necessary steps to end the relationship before hooking up with some strange, I could go on and on. Seriously – unless you tied him down, force fed him Viagra and personally inserted his tab a into her slot b – you did not make him cheat. That’s all on him.

        • What is it about Christmas Day and cheaters? It would have been my D-day too except that I believed him when he said he was too sick to emerge from the total darkness of our room for the day to attend the family dinner. Instead D-day arrived three weeks later with the phone bill, which itemised 300 overseas text messages he had sent within the space of a few hours to the same number, at a cost of hundreds of dollars. And guess what, his work colleague he had been “helping get away from a violent lover” just happened to be overseas at the time. Ah Christmas, the season of twu luv.

          • Chumpful – wow, I’m SO freaking sorry to hear this.
            We have had this discussion many times on C/N. C/L has the answers of course, in the archives…but, there is a long history of these cheaters pulling this shit right before their 10th, 20th, 30th anniversaries. Often, after they get back from a romantic trip overseas in France or somewhere. Talk about blow your mind. Milestone Birthdays, another time they pop it. After the death of a parent, a wife pregnant at 9 months, the death of a child, the diagnosis of cancer. C/N has heard it all and this is truly the epitome of evil people. Really, what could be worse in character than this?

  • I’m grateful for this subject today. x’s ten year love affair didn’t last 6 months after dday. I was pissed that he blew up our family for rainbow dreams. And yes he posted all kinds of kinds of teenage crap about faithfulness, honesty etc. thanks for the clarification that he was setting up the next victim, he is pathetic on all levels They will never see the hypocrisy cuz pain is only relevant if it is happening to them

  • IDK, if it weren’t for social media, I would never have known that my ex proposed to his new wife (disclaimer, not OW) over takeout from Chik-fil-A. Hahahahaha.

    • #HowCanYouSayNoToJeebusChicken
      #WaffleFriesFTW
      #KeepingItClassy
      #LadyKillerWithNinjaTakeoutMoves
      #DatLemonadeTho
      #ChikFilAMakesMeMoistLikeTheirNuggets
      #SayYesToTheWatercress (Salad, that is)
      #LowBudgetKeepsExpectationsLow

      What, did he get the ring out of one of the candy machines in the front lobby before he picked up his order?

    • Mine used cake.
      He’s obese ( which his family always blamed on me, and yet 4 years later he’s what??? Still obese) so it was super funny to the kids and I when were were sent the pics posted on FB where he proposed with a piece of cake. He looked like a thumb wearing a polo and he just had this look on his face like”I hope she will hurry up and accept this ring so I can eat this cake.”
      I know I’m going to hell, but it felt great that I was strong enough to just laugh at how ridiculous it was.

  • It’s almost December, so it’s been five years since the separation and three years since the divorce. I have been strict no contact ever since. I wouldn’t say my meh is perfect, but recently I did take a peek at Voldemort’s online profile. Easily 50lbs heavier, as shallow/miserable as ever, and looks like the Schmoopie is non-committal. And Schmoops isn’t yet welcome at family events either. I do get that contact high from schadenfreude… and giggle to myself as I realize that it’s not my circus, not my monkeys. I tell you, it feels wonderful 😀 After enough time has elapsed with no contact, it won’t be pain shopping anymore. It will merely be amusing. #SomebodyElsesProblemNow

    • Good for you Sunny, keep up the NC!!

      My meh isn’t perfect either (two years after D-Day, 18 months after divorce), but I try to look at things this way: the frequency of my cursing is steadily decreasing, as is the space glitterballs occupies in my head.

      Mile by mile, curse-less day by curse-less day, a few stops for fuel, and the closer to meh you get.

      • ClearWaters —

        That’s is: I will set my intention to decrease my cursing steadily, day-by-day, like you have. I cuss as various things, not necessarily x-hole, who I rarely think of much anymore. Also, I have been known to fill the bird on the highway, and to that monster truck which blew its horn up my spinal cord as I waited for a pedestrian to cross in front of me. So yeah, add decrease flipping the bird, too my list of intentions. I do believe my loss of gentility to be related to my struggle to get tough and strap on my ass-kicker boots, though. Now it’s just time to level off.

        • Lol, “my loss of gentility”… that’s such a nice way to put it. My cursing is definitely declining. I went from what I called Late Onset Tourette’s to where I can now be around small children. I can be on speakerphone now with my Sis, with 8yr old nephew present.
          It’s a work in progress!

          • I never used to swear either – until the Twat came along. By the end of our marriage there was sometimes smoke coming out of my ears as I couldn’t think of expletives strong enough to match my feelings. I didn’t like what I had become but thankfully that has toned down too now with his absence.

            • Before I met X, I was one of the most mellow people on the planet. I didn’t get into arguments, I wasn’t an angry person, I didn’t yell, and I also didn’t stand up for myself very often. That all changed with him. And like you, I didn’t like who I had become. I now know he CREATED that person, and did it on purpose (still don’t understand what the purpose was). The good thing is, that person I didn’t recognize or like moved out the same time he did 😉

    • Sunny, we are on essentially the same timeline – separated 5 years, divorced 3 years (Monday was my three year divorciversary -YIPPEE). I’m also totally NC with mine but I do occasionally check his felon- former (?) stripper-fiance’s FB page just for giggles. Every picture of them is what I like to call a “bad prom photo pose” where he is standing behind her with his watermelon belly against her back and his arms around her. He’s 9 months younger than me (a fact he never let me forget) but now looks like he’s 15 years older. His relationship with his mother who is his only close relation other than our kids who don’t speak to him, has soured due to her displeasure that he replaced the sadly lacking (in her mind) wife appliance (me) with a hideously mortifying (to her) Viagra appliance. Ah… it’s like a perfect piece of chocolate cake. I savor its deliciousness and then I get back to healthy NC. 😀

  • “No. He’s someone with lousy character who cheated on you. He would bring that crap set of life skills to ANY relationship. It’s not surprising that he chose poorly and that he got played.”

    This!

    That is why sometimes I peek at the D-Day schmoopie’s instagram. Sometimes her posts are disgusting, sometimes they’re outrageous, but they ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS remind me of sparkledick’s lousy character. Lately I have been so busy, I can’t waste time peeking.

    And now let Chump Nation pray together: ” Dear God, don’t let him realize what a powerful chump motivator “remorse” is.”

    • I freely admit to looking at the Twat’s FB page frequently but then I’m totally at meh and it gives me a laugh. I’m actually just glad I no longer loath the ground he walks on – total indifference is great. Not so long ago I saw (yet another) FB picture of the “happy couple” (she never saw a picture of herself she didn’t love) and he looked appalling! I wrote my sister to take a look as he looked like Albert Steptoe (you might have to google that) and she said it was an insult to Albert!

      Oh and when the first Skank cheated on him after 3 years he was FURIOUS. She was DISGUSTING, a WHORE, a …. you get the picture. Ha bloody ha!

      • He looks worse than Albert Steptoe??? (I did have to google it, as I did Pema Chodron)

        Well even so, I can only feel sorry for Humanity. Beauty begets Goodness.

  • That’s because they think they’re the only ones who deserve fidelity from their partners. The shit that goes on in their pathetic minds would blow you away. The guy described in this post sounds like the typical cheater who thinks he is always entitled to faithfulness from his partner, but he’s also entitled to pick and choose and measure his partner’s worthiness to see if she does or doesn’t deserve it from him.

    If you’re ever confused by a cheater’s words or actions, just remember that in their minds, they’re entitled to everything they want and everyone else can just sit in their audience and wait to see what they’re deemed worthy of. In that particular moment. What you are worthy and deserving of at 8:15 am today can change at 8:17 am if they spot something else that looks enticing.

    They never want to give anything up. Opportunists never do.

  • Ah yes, Schadenfreude do I love thee so 😉

    I’m still not quite at Meh either and I do understand the temptation of wanting to gloat a little inside while watching your cheater get dumped/ignored/whatever. Not that green & sparkly on the other side of the fence? Ahh diddums.

    STBxW has been blocked by her long-distance OM even after sending him more money to buy a flight to spend Xmas & New Year with her. He spent the money on other things and now has disappeared (probably off with another GF). She is now of course in a deep, deep pit of Sadz

    Like a moth to a flame I can’t help but watch and silently chuckle a little at this sad ending to her fake fairy-tale. Though in my defence it does help to be prepared in advance for her nasty attitude to lash out at someone and of course that had to be me. She wanted to change custody arrangements for the children so they live with just her and get Saturday night with me (and this from a mother who missed last Xmas with her kids to chase her OM on the other side of the planet and didn’t want them for this New Year either for the exact same excuse). Buuuuttt she still wants me to drive them back & forth to school every day, birthday parties, events, plus look after them when she’s working, etc. Maybe I should offer to get her groceries too while I’m at it and clean the cat’s litter tray and yeah…

    So yes, to me the words from CL that it’s all about them is so, so very accurate. If their past behaviour is that of a self-entitled, lazy, selfish, professional-victim then the future is unlikely to be any different.

    • OutFromTheShadows, these folks have just one channel: TAKE. They wouldn’t know how to give if it hit them between the eyes with a 2×4.

    • I hope you can keep her from obtaining primary custody! Poor kids, with an egg donor ‘mother’ who chases lovers and forgets all about her children.
      Keep on being the good Dad. They are lucky they at least have you.

      • Thankfully that’s one good thing about the Ester-Perel-land EU country where I live @FreeWoman is that laws have recently changed. Divorce is fairly straightforward (no need to give any reason) and custody is standardised at 50/50 unless both parties agree otherwise (I checked previously with another lawyer).

        So this was a standard word-salad conversation that we’ve all endured I’m sure. I prefer to keep everything in writing; whereas she wants a face-to-face meeting where it almost always descends into petty blame-shifting insults from her. At least (and thanks to CN) I’m wise to this now and can largely ignore it. Wrap up the meeting as quick as possible and tell her to put whatever proposal(s) she has into writing (I believe I saw some tumbleweed idling past my window 😉

        Oh and as regards the circling back and fake remorse than CL warned @TooSmartforthisShit about? Well I’ve had that already and (again thanks to being prepared by CN) I didn’t waver and said nope, no way, not interested. The ‘remorse’ was anyway all about her, how everyone hates her, how she’s being ‘judged’, and practically bugger all about what she’s done/doing to her kids, me, family, etc. I think that’s the best way to handle that scenario. If our cheaters really wanted to show real true remorse then they wouldn’t just give up after one pathetic little attempt.

  • My ex, said, his ow, was strange, unfortunately he said she didn’t want her own kids, he liked that about her. What a sad pair of bastards eh, I don’t know how her kids are. She always showed more interest in my kids. He told me she was a slag, but what does that make him. I think she thought he was a catch, God knows why.

  • Dear Chump Lady,

    Thanks for answering my letter. I knew the injustice was frosting my cookies what I didn’t realize until I read your post is that part of me is still waiting for him to realize what he’s done. How galling. I like to think that even if he showed up on my doorstep with a million dollars in his pocket , a whole truckload of remorse and a male chastity belt already in place I wouldn’t take him back, but, but, well, then why do I care about this. I’m gonna take just a minute to laugh at his sorry ass (I was too mad to appreciate that angle before) then shove him out of my head and look forward.

    • Smart, part of me was also waiting for cheater to realize what he had done. But from the feedback I get from my sons he never will. “I sacrificed my career for your mother”.

      Oh yeah? Then why does he still keep sacrificing the career? Because he is vain.

      If these cheaters were capable of realizing what they had done, they wouldn’t cheat.

    • Smart-hugs: 8 months is early days my friend in this shit show called betrayal. You are doing awesome! I am so happy for you that the karma bus kicked him in the ass and he put it on public display. Sorry to say it feels good doesn’t it even for a few minutes. Be well!

  • I’m at meh, I’ve been in residence there for a few years…lovely residence BTW. I didn’t go looking for X or his side piece, he was in some of our son’s wedding pictures on his FB feed. Even I had a good long laugh when I happened across him in schadenfreude. He’s easily 350 lbs or more and she looks like she hit 300. They both looked miserable (they’ve both been cheating on each other for years). After about 10 seconds of gut wrenching cackles, I realized it wasn’t very nice of me and managed to gain a semblance of decorum back. Don’t beat yourself up. Just get back on that NC horse and head on over to my neighborhood in meh-land.

  • I was watching a tv show yesterday that had a feature spot on why women hide, cover up, endure etc abuse from their SO’s, and I think the key issue was image management. There are some very real life and death hardship issues including shelter, food, and health insurance, of course, but most of the women talked about wanting to keep the fairytale image alive. They wanted to believe it themselves, so they lived in denial. Some now realize that the SO could have killed them. There was a spot on the news that said the most dangerous place for a woman was at home, because most women who are murdered are killed by someone they know, and live with. So everyone asks, why did you stay? Part of the reason has to be because we want to believe in the myth of the perfect relationship.

    I believe men want this myth to be true, too. Perfection may differ from person to person, but I have lived a long time and I have NEVER known anyone in a perfect relationship. I love some people very much, and I am content that they love me, but none of us have the impression that life is filled with butterflies and unicorns. Sometimes, we love in spite of the fact that life is not pleasant or wonderful.

    People who post the pretty pictures and pretend that everything is glamorous and wonderful are trying to convince the social world and maybe themselves that they are Unicorns. Meanwhile, back at the reality ranch, real horses run around, sometimes happy, sometimes hungry or cold. One of my X’s included the wish for a relationship with one perfect woman, and that they would live in a perpetual honeymoon, in his dating profile (Thanks, Marriage Police). What drivel. This state of perfection does not exist, and it would be a fools errand to pursue it. MEH is not a perfect place, it is a state of mind that accepts reality, and refuses to let sparkles cover the turds. MEH means accepting that every living being produces turds as a part of life, but having an acceptable way to deal with them. You flush them out of your life, you don’t buy more sparkles to cover them up, and you don’t post their pictures on social media. Don’t follow turds on social media either. They make the same mistakes, over and over, and they never learn how to be real. They don’t know what love is. They will never actually be happy, no matter how many pictures they take, because they are always looking for the next best thing. That is reason enough to stay no contact as much as possible. Don’t waste your precious time.

    • “Meanwhile, back at the reality ranch, real horses run around, sometimes happy, sometimes hungry or cold.”

      Love this!

      • You are so right Portia. The eternal honeymoon doesn’t exist. I dated a lovely, older, Dutch colleague after my ex left. We hadn’t been together that long but one night I was staying over at his place, we were in bed, and I felt him go absolutely rigid. He had only recently had a malaria attack with me and I was terrified he was having another one or maybe even a heart attack. All of a sudden he let out this earth shattering fart – I tell ya, that thing ricocheted off the walls. Well this of course woke him up and he said “was that me?” To which I replied “well it sure as heck wasn’t me”! Now this guy is Dutch but sounds like Prince Charles when he speaks English, so the next line of “Oh, I DO apologize” almost made me pee the bed laughing! So eternal honeymoon? Nah, it doesn’t exist!

    • “They don’t know what love is. They will never actually be happy, no matter how many pictures they take, because they are always looking for the next best thing. That is reason enough to stay no contact as much as possible. Don’t waste your precious time.”

      So true! That’s what makes it easy to stay No Contact and keep moving in on a forward path.

    • Yes! It’s horrifying how much people can lie to themselves – and then expect others to buy into the whacked out fever dream. Even when you try to point out cracks and bruises in and facade, they’ve lied to themselves for so long they either can’t see it (because it can’t possible exist), or their sunk costs are so high that they flat out refuse to see it. I don’t know which is it.

      It’s not all fun and games living in the Matrix people!! Yeah, the ‘real world’ is scary and lonely but at least you picked it, and it’s REALITY. Not a picture being painted.

      Take the red pill!!!

    • The lure of the ‘intact family’ is huge. And the desire to be with our kids 100% of the time. And to have a life partner. Also in my case I did not want OW to be my kid’s stepmother, she is a horrible person. So I tried to save the marriage partially to end their relationship. It certainly is complicated.

      After I reconciled I had friends say to me ‘he’s an idiot, but he’s your idiot’. Sigh.

  • Ahh…so cheater and Schmoopie were perfect for each other!

    The other crappy part of this is that the next poor lass he meets will be presented with this: (please read this in Gollum’s voice) “Cheating? DEPLORABLE! Me was cheated on – UNACCEPTABLE!!! Me was dedicated to her. Her crushed my PRECIOUS spirit. Cheaters is monsters!”

    Poor lass is going to presented with the image of this poor, heartbroken guy who understands that cheating is wrong. It’ll be near impossible for her to believe he would ever do that to her.

    These assholes think they are special. You can’t creep on them, but if they do it to you, it’s because they had a ‘reason’. FOO issues, a drinking problem, “I’m stressed as a man/woman in this political climate!”, whatever.

    My STBXH would look down on cheaters but loved spouting off to everyone about how GREAT our relationship was, all while he was lying to my face and creeping. When I called him on it post D-Day, I was given a lecture about how things aren’t all black or white. He agreed it was wrong, but he firmly believed he was somehow ‘different’. Nope – no grey area, no different from the other pond scum. You’re an ass.

    • LOL about Gollum!!! 🙂

      What’s up with cheaters telling us we look at all things in black and white! My excheater said the same thing to me in The Divorce Letter. He looked at most things as gray. And for absolute truths, he looked to the Bible!!!! Did he not read in the Bible about “Thou shalt not commit adultery” and all the other Ten Commandments that he broke?! He says stuff and then contradicts himself. There’s no understanding the disordered mind.

      • GEEZ, mine said the same exact thing on D day. “black and white. shades of gray” I was completely blindsided. Also told me I was morally rigid because I wouldn’t allow him to now become polyamory after 28 yrs of marriage so he could have “both of us”. Delusional is his middle name. He’s still hoovering but I don’t respond. There isn’t enough spackle to make his BS taste yummy.

        • When I pointed out to ex a-hole that cheating on his wife was wrong, he told me I was self-righteous. I told him it wasn’t my rule. I then received crickets and a dirty look. I guess because I took my marriage vows seriously and never cheated, I am self-righteous. I’m OK with that.

    • ItAintMe,

      I was given the same lecture about how things aren’t all black or white, the minute I told her that I know that she is fucking a ho-worker.
      After these words came out of her mouth, she immediately proceeded with a list of reasons to justify what she did.
      She sounded like she had been rehearsing that list many times in her head.

      • Wow. The parallels never fail to amaze me. I’m sure they become “gray area experts” while spending so much time justifying their actions to themselves.

        Very validating to know others have heard the same drivel!

        • Drivel it is. They are just vile, spineless peace of shits.
          All she could mount as apology was:
          “I guess I should off told you that I’m unhappy, but you never will forgive me anyway, so I’m not going even try.”
          My answer:
          “You bet I will never forgive you, but sure will forget you, you filthy ho,”

      • Yes, ex a-hole told me after affair #1 that he “had to do a lot a justifying to make this be OK.” I asked, “And you were able to do that, huh?” Go to response of crickets. “Justifying” – a more eloquent word for plain old “lying.”

        He also added that the only regret he had about it was not “ending this relationship before starting another one.” On the flip side, I guess “relationship” is a less eloquent word for “marriage.”

        They all suck.

        • They have no problem juggling more than one “relationships” at the same time.

          In her words:

          “It was just a distraction from her ‘primary relationships’ and it didn’t mean anything.”

  • Smart, this is a great opportunity to laugh instead of being hurt and disgusted. This man is too clueless to be worthy of you. Sucks to be him and sucks to be his new Schmoopie who clearly doesn’t know how his relationship with you ended. Nobody who knows you or knows about his cheating is going to have any sympathy for him or take anything he says seriously ever again. He is making a fool of himself. Have a good laugh with your friends, breathe a sigh of relief that he is out of your life, and get back to meh.

    I can relate to what you are feeling, however. In the few weeks after DDay I was getting this kind of hypocrisy from ex only it was him displaying his disgust with Schmoopie’s husband for having cheated on her. “He was cruel to have cheated on her and she was so kind to have taken him back” (only to then turn around and cheat on him, but she is a victim, not a vengeful slut). This is what he was going on about while I was in desperate reconciliation mode. At the time I was horrified. How could he not see the parallels? How come he wasn’t cruel to have cheated on me and I wasn’t kind to have been willing to take him back? It was so hurtful and confusing at the time. It made me feel insignificant, like cheating is a cruel thing to do unless it happens to Chumpinrecovery because her feelings don’t count and he was a good man so his cheating was justified. It hurt so much along with all of the other hurtful, hypocritical, contradictory, and nonsensical things he was saying during that period of time. That was over two years ago. Now I just see it as another example of how he lost his mind and isn’t smart or emotionally mature enough to be my husband anyway. These days, if I were to find out Schmoopie cheated on him and he was torn up about it I would just laugh and tell everyone I know and we would all laugh together. I doubt even his mother would have much sympathy for him over that one. Knowing ex, however, he wouldn’t go all sad sausage, he would probably blame himself for not being a good enough partner and start pick me dancing and that is probably the thing that would make me start hurting again because I wasn’t worth dancing for, but some stupid slut is. Then I will send Chump Lady a letter and let her kick me in the butt.

    • Dear Chumpinrecovery,

      Thanks so much for your perspective on this. I have often found that for me anger is just fear’s body guard. I think being that angry was cover for sliding back into the belief that he had me wrapped up in immediately following D day – that his cheating was MY fault. That kind of mind fuckery is hard to ditch and sneaky as hell about still lurking in dark corners just waiting to slither out when you think it is gone.

      The bright shining truth is we are worthy of better than them. Let’s you and me start a conga line and dance our way off to Meh-ville.

  • Portia nails it.

    Me? I am very close to Meh. Most days I don’t care one way or the other. I’m too busy with other parts of my life to think about CheaterX or want to cyber stalk him.

    However, I have two dogs and I live in a rural area without sidewalks. My old neighborhood, the one where CheaterX lives in the house we bought, has sidewalks and is about 5 miles from me. It’s literally the closest safe place to walk the dog during these dark months. For the past 2.6 years, I’ve avoided going past the old house.

    Last night, I decided to walk in that neighborhood. Normally, I park in a different area and walk each dog (the new dog isn’t good on the leash so she can’t be walked with my older dog) about 3/4 mile. However, I realized that if I let his presence dictate my own activities.

    That’s not Meh. Also, the likelihood of running into him after dark is quite small. Anyway, I reclaimed that street. I realized that I don’t feel nostalgic for the house, and while I like the neighborhood a lot, I would not want to move back into that house even if it were fumigated for Cheaters. Other houses in the neighborhood? Sure. It’s a good neighborhood about 15 minutes closer to work. That house? Not so much!

    Another step closer to Meh.

    • Glad for you, KB. I had a similar sitution, but I am so content in my new house I don’t care about the old one anymore.

    • Good for you!! One blessing I have right now is that I love my new neighborhood and new home so much more than I did the old. It doesn’t hurt that he has let the old one run to absolute shite at least on the outside. (not stalking him – occasionally have to drop off or pick up my son there.)

      I’m probably feeling a bit insecure because i just got a layoff notice from work. I’m focusing on this being an opportunity to explore all my options but a bit of “not good enough” is always lurking int he background – ya know.

  • Smart, think of a long-range graph, like for stock market trends or global temperatures or real estate sales. They don’t go straight up or down, the lines are jagged with little bumps in the wrong direction. But when enough time goes by you can see the general direction.

    So keep heading for meh and you will get there regardless of the little bumps that might appear at the moment to be taking you off course.

  • Smart… Mr. Sparkles unceremoniously unfriended and blocked me on FB weeks after he moved out for the OW so that we could “each enjoy our privacy while dating”… UM… fuckwit, I wasn’t dating, I was married.

    ANYWAY… I did have my moments of Schadenfreude during the discard that I thought I’d share. First, his Pity Channel showed a Hallmark-style movie where he was in a loveless and sexless marriage… and he just wanted to find happiness and “feel alive” and “regain that spark”… so into the vagina of a new victim he went. Flashforward two years later… my divorce nearly final… and there pops Schadenfreude… the OW finds out he has been cheating on HER (by me) through their whole relationship and she dumps him. I was high-fiving anyone I passed on the street… fuck ’em I thought ruefully… definitely no meh there. Did I think he’d come crawling back to me? No… the way the divorce was going, he knew that door had been napalmed by me.

    TWO WEEKS LATER… he had a new victim that he was prancing in front of my adult step kids and his new Pity Channel flick told the tale of woe of how HE was cheated on BY HER… I was outraged. How dare he portray the OW as the cheater (though in truth she was since she was an OW, but from all reports, she truly was faithful to him.)… and then I realized… not my monkey, not my circus… I think I see meh!

    BUT THEN… because like most of us, I slipped… and within 2 minutes of internet searching I found he had a personal ad on Ashley Madison (has been a member for years apparently)… and the poor woman with whom he just bought a big house/big mortgage was now being chumped. And, I felt soooo sad… because I knew what was ahead for her. Just like those Hallmark movies, the storyline is all too predictable. I found a way to let her know/see the proof… but she has dug her heels in and is picking me dancing like crazy now.

    Today… four years out… and for the first time… I feel meh. I cannot spend the rest of my life trying to save his victims. I cannot keep the focus on him and wallowing in my “disbelief” with being cheated on and now divorced. It happened. It was real. It was four years ago. Move on already.

    There will come a time for you to no longer want to “look”… maybe this is the time… because you have seen it firsthand… he hasn’t changed… he’s flipping through his channels of pity/charm/rage to see what fish will bite. You cannot save them (the future women he dates/marries/etc.). You can only save yourself. I hope you do 🙂 (you sound pretty mighty to me!)

    • Dear Icansee-

      Here’s to being our own heros!! Please join me and Clear in the conga line to meh – you lead!

    • Their journey to self fullfillment includes penetrating as many random holes as possible. At least that’s what I told my x of 28 years. I told him to enjoy them all, but that’s not how I wanted to live my life.

  • I sometimes wonder what was true & what was a lie. Most of the time anymore, I don’t care, I assume it was all lies.
    Who knows really for a fact your ex was cheated on, or if it’s impression management? The lies told about me after train-wreck left were enough to cause 90% of our coworkers to isolate me & former friends to abandon me. I’m lucky I wasn’t arrested from the accusations.
    Question everything or question nothing & move on.
    Is it called trolling for pain, to peek into an ex’s life? I have no desire, & thinking about anything to do with him makes me ill.
    I’m trying to let go of this nightmare identifying me.

    • Excellent advice here paigeup. I know they are not together anymore and its not like him to let go of a meal ticket unless he has another already lined up but you are 100% right, liers lie. My was-band also told many a whopper about me – I stole from him, blah blah. You are also right – it doesn’t matter what the truth is – as so many have said – not my circus not my monkey – totally not responsible for any shit it is throwing at the crowd. No more pain shopping!!

  • Thank you, Smart, for posting this. I think it helps us all to know that Karma CAN come around despite the sparkly Facebook photos.

    As for YOU, hey, like so many have said: one day at a time. It will help if you can keep busy doing things that completely take your mind off whatever stupid thing the Fuckwit might be saying or doing. He isn’t your problem anymore. Not. Your. Problem. As tempting as it is to be smug at his adolescent despair.

    I revisited hobbies I had given up when I had a baby and family responsibilities. I found a new circle of friends. I come here for the boost, for the encouragement, for the kick in the ass I sometimes need.

    You will, someday, put that asshole behind you as a bad life experience that, while you didn’t deserve, you were able to learn from.

    • Putting the asshole behind me would mean that I am putting 42 years behind me (the majority of my life). I am just hoping that it will not take the rest of my life to deal with what I was actually living with!

      Loved this today: “Most people mess up something good, by looking for something better, just to end up with something worse”.

  • Paigeup,

    I also questioned what was true and what was a lie after our 12 year relationship ended. I can now sit back and see the patterns of his relationships. Everything was lies.

    He did a great job of hiding behind his “I’m a Pharmacist” image despite the fact that has no moral compass.

    Peace.

  • Divorced 3 years now & I can’t say I’m at meh yet.☹️ I try very hard to forget about the humiliation & heartbreak but I hope someday it will come.
    34 years married to an evil sociopath that lived a double life (have to admit I ignored red flags) & karma hit when the Owhore died last year. He quickly moved into
    another woman’s house.
    When I feel down I come here to CN so I feel I’m nit so alone! Bless you all here ((Hugs) ❤️

  • See, this is why I won’t go NC. I feel a strong sense of social responsibility to warn other women so they don’t go through this hell.
    There is no way I’m letting The Asshole rope in some poor unsuspecting woman with a sad tale of his wife leaving him for no good reason. Any woman he dates is going to be told why I left him, in excruciating detail, and provided with proof. I have texts, emails, photos, and a signed admission of wrongdoing from The Asshole himself. I have a Facebook page with all the info on his transgressions. Currently it is private, but it can be made public anytime he pulls some assholic stunt.
    I have told him I will make his life miserable if he tries to lie to any new girlfriends about how our marriage ended. He knows I mean it and is actually afraid of me now. I’m hoping that will keep him honest. Our daughters are quite willing to act as spies to see if he’s dating somebody and whether or not he’s been truthful. I am not going to let another woman go through what I went through if I can possibly prevent it. To stand by and do nothing would make me feel like I’m an asshole, too. So I can’t go NC.
    My daughter says I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and I suppose she’s right. It’s just how I am and I like that about myself. I am not interested in changing who I am just to go NC on a candyass like my stbx.

    • Be careful about the libel laws in your jurisdiction.

      I get it. I was there with Cheater #3 in particular, as his personal brand of hypocrisy really sickened me.

      It took prayer and a lot of self examination to let go of my determination to control him and his future. Because that’s what it was – even though I called it ‘justice’, and I genuinely felt sorry for the next victim (who I knew socially).

      But I was kidding myself. I wanted revenge for four years of gaslighting and manipulation and walking on eggshells. But that would have consumed me, and also possibly made me liable under local stalking laws.

      I decided instead to get therapy and talk it through, and to keep my dignity. The best revenge is to thrive after they’ve gone. I watched his new victim become an exhausted frump within a year or so. Meanwhile, I went from strength to strength and am happily at Meh.

      The other real risk with going medieval on his ass is that you feed his ‘The Ex is Crazy’ narrative. Complete indifference, and charm in public when you see him and Schmoopie by accident at public events, causes huge confusion instead. Very satisfying.

      • Amen!!! Living well is the best revenge. You will never gain a life by continuing to triangulate with a sociopath. Healing comes from letting go of trying to fix or control them in any way, shape, or form.

      • I am not standing by and watching a new victim go through that. I just can’t. I was foolish enough to marry the idiot, I now know the truth of what he’s capable of, so it’s up to me to protect innocent other women in his future. If not me, who?

        Truth is an absolute defense to a libel suit, so no worries on that score. I have his signed admission and an email admission from the OW. I have photographic evidence.
        Plus, The Asshole agrees to being monitored so he doesn’t do it again. I believe he actually wants to change but is just too stupid to do it on his own. He needs an accountability cop and I’m willing to be that cop. It’s not your traditional cheater/chump arrangement, but different strokes and all that. I suppose The Asshole is different from many cheaters in that he admits he’s a disordered jerk who has done a terrible wrong and he wants to be a better person. As to whether he will, only time will tell.
        I’m glad your way of dealing with it works for you.

        • Accountability cop? Wow. How to say this the right way…. please get therapy so you can take the focus off of policing him and move the focus back on to you and your life. You sound very misguided about your ability to change other people, and frankly naive about the US legal system.

          • It’s not about policing him or trying to change him.It’s more preventing him from finding more victims.Heck I do not stalked my ex.But if any of his current gf or wives comes to me.I certainly would not hesitate to tell them the truth.

            • Absolutely right. That is my intention. We can’t change these jerks, but if we can stop them from hurting others, why would we not do so. I don’t understand anyone who would be willing to let others go through that hell if they have info that couldn’t prevent it. It’s selfish and irresponsible, just like a cheater.

          • Hmm…how to say this the right way….get therapy to help you stifle the urge to be a condescending ass because you expect other people to live their lives your chosen way. Some of us have a sense of social responsibility and actually care what happens to other people. Weird, right? I’m sure you’re correct, though. I really should get therapy to help me to be more self-centred and become a big selfish asshole just like my stbx and all the other cheaters. I really should just let other women’s lives be destroyed when I could have prevented it. Must remember to focus on ME, not others. Do you know a good therapist who specializes in reforming we disordered folks who care? Is Giving Too Many Fucks Disorder covered in the DSM? I must have missed it.

            Incidentally, I do not live in the US and I’m fully aware of the laws in my jurisdiction. You’re saying truth is not a defence to a libel suit in the US? If so, that’s nonsense.

  • His postings seem exactly like the failed dieter that puts a bunch of healthy eating memes on their wall and cleans the carbs out of the pantry because they are

    really-REALLY-going-to-get-serious-this-time-and-lose-those-pounds!

    Only to fail on this diet attempt within a day or two. Because Hardee’s had a 2 for 1 burger deal when you buy the jumbo curly fries and the large choc malt. And after all they were tired and it was a hard day and the drive through is such an easy option and because people at work suck and made them depressed and they had to give in to the temptation. Not their fault.

    There is no genuine reflection of the wrongs he has done or his role in them. Cheating is bad when it happens to him but he had to cheat on you because reasons.

    Me thinks he doth protest too much. He will be cheating on the new Schmoopie shortly and make no mistake, he will tell her it is all her fault when he does it. Trust that he sucks.

  • The last time I saw my ex we were signing our 2016 tax return. I had to break no contact last week because he had two letters from the IRS at my house. My guess is that he didn’t file a tax return last year, since they didn’t have his new address on file. I’m also guessing that his finances are quite as good as he’s letting on.

    During the love bombing, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I was the most amazing woman, ours was the strongest relationship that ever was. I was the cool wife that didn’t mind when he ran off to play poker or spend hours playing online games, handled the bills and adulting with very little help. When I cramped his dating life by traveling out of state to help him with his dying father, I became a controlling nag and the discard began. He claims to be glad to be free, but I suspect that he maybe misses the wife appliance just a little.

    It would tarnish his image to admit he’s not as bright or capable as he thinks, though, or that he made a mistake.

    I wish I was a nicer person, that would feel sorry for his misfortune, but the schadenfraude is so sweet and delicious.

    • Yeah I recently got a letter fro his bankruptcy attorney as one of his creditors. (Child support) Clearly karma is kicking his ass at the moment. Couldn’t happen to a more deserving guy but I just don’t want to care. Meh is where I want to be.

  • Lol, ah, what a toolbag. I’m with CL, hopefully there’s no remorse/enlightened moments that circle back, cause those suck almost worse. Then you get to receive emails about THEIR spiritual journey and THEIR zen moments on the path to more righteousness and how THEY are in a better place. Meanwhile, you’re still adulting and picking up the pieces. No thanks fuckers, keep your moments of zen to yourself.

    • Dear NotANice,

      If I were to get an e-mail like that – I promise to quote you and reply “Keep you moment of reflection to yourself fucker. As your EX wife I’m no longer obligated to listen to your whiny ass.”

  • “Were there Pema Chodron memes?”

    This killed me. Every so often, Tracy, you get off a zinger that slays me, puts everything in perspective, and makes my morning. Thanks.

  • If anything I’d look at it as a sign of how stupid he truly is. If he’s so fucking dumbassed he cannot see the irony of his own caterwalling, then he’s reaaaaallly not the one for you.

    Or maybe it’s severe overcompensation. He knows he fucked up, but he doesn’t want to admit he fucked up, because admitting it would mean self-examination, so instead he does what cheaters usually do: Make up a huge dramatic lie about them being the real victim here!!

    Either way, just one more arrow pointing to a sign that says “This. Dude. SUCKS.”

  • Don’t know if CL has ever brought this up. But what would anyone here do if a wise potential victim was inquiring about your ex with you? What would you show, Do , Say? What kind of proof would you offer?

    • This is a good topic–not necessarily a chump seeking out a potential future chump to warn (that obviates meh) but if if a potential future chump directly contacts the previous chump…hmmmmm

      I would treat it like a conversation with an older child–say the exact truth, neutrally, without embellishment. No more, no less. Q: “Did X cheat on you?” A: “Yes, he did, XX times.” Or Q: “Why did you and X split?” A: “Primarily because he cheated and was unremorseful about it.”

      I would not offer or provide proof–to me that’s too much detail and it’s personal. If they don’t accept your “yes” as enough, then so be it.

      • NANC, That’s a pretty good answer. This does actually happen. I have a pretty organized box of everything. Not sure exactly how much I would offer. But it does depend on if that person is in actual danger. I’m mostly asking this about non affair partners. Affair partners were almost always knowing participants. But what about the possible chump 2 relationships later. Someone who is naïve but is alarmed. Friends and family do warn them about the red flags they’re picking up. Just a curious subject to me.

        • Yep I’m with you both @NotANiceChump and @Leonidis.

          I’m not going to lie. We’re still in the process of divorcing; however post-divorce, if anyone asks why? then @NotANiceChump’s answer is the best, just a simple “she had an affair”. I think that gives them all they need to know.

          Just like @Leonidis I have an awful lot documented (electronically in my case) about STBxW’s affair (especially the financial infidelity) and all backed-up online too so she can’t delete it (but she’s not at all techie though). I’m not going to delete this but I doubt it’ll ever be shown to anyone. Probably more to remind me of Trust That She Sucks if I ever look at it again,

    • I had a female friend approach me when Cheater #3 was starting to panic with the Exhausted Frump and was looking for an escape hatch. He had been making his customary overtures – lunch dates.

      I told her exactly what he was like, including confirming that she would be an exit affair so that he could escape the Exhausted Frump, and that it would start with lunch dates, and then move to Mass invitations followed by dinner. After that, closet gay mindfuck all the way.

      She narrowed her eyes and finally asked, ‘Do you want him back?’

      I drew a deep breath and explained that I had just given her a whole host of reasons as to why I didn’t want him back.

      Ok, so she wasn’t all that bright, but she was very competitive, and desperate to be married. Once I managed to convince her that this man was constitutionally incapable of marriage, she cooled off.

    • I would give her chapter, verse and all my suitcase full of collected evidence if she needed it. No question.
      See, my dumbass stbx was fool enough to cheat on me knowing I used to be a private investigator. Lol.

  • My ex and the ow came close to breaking up. She had it with him. She doesn’t want to marry again after 3 fails herself but they had a nice set up. But I guess she got fed up with his shit and decoupled their money by selling house and moving closer to her family. Next thing he’s crying on my daughter’s shoulder and asking for a place to live just in case. And he even tried to blame me for their trouble but I’m pretty much no contact. He pretty much used the them against mean ol me t til I went NC and he didn’t have me to blame for if it rained. Anyway, he’s held on to her. Then they all go on an expensive family European holiday and after he surprised her with a just for two Paris side trip. So as of now they are back because hey it’s time for Florida til spring. Anyway, he can’t control her with money because there’s nothing that he can withhold to keep her In line. So he has to actually work to keep her. She is smart, my OW. Anyway, I’m NC. Im not exactly meh. I hate him and don’t want him back. But I relish him getting dumped. It would be justice for his lying filthy ways. But he’s Wiley so I may not get that satisfaction. But what I want which of course I keep to myself, is for him to just effing die. When I think of all the decent men there are in this world who get sick and die when that douchebag continues on his merry way. Life is unfair, I know. But every once in awhile you just kind of pray for some good lady justice. I’m kind of a church lady so I do feel guilty for viscerally hating the guy. Sometimes when I feel sentimental I shore up by checking his sm and look at his happy pic. It refuels my disgust and gives me the reality check I need to not think about how it could have been. But yeah, I wish he no longer alive. I’d be like Betty Davis in Little Foxes. I guess I should go to confession now lol.

  • Aren’t they a special breed! My cheating ex recently complained to me upon a child pick up how he was heart broken over a break up. He was dumped. I fell into the banter and implied karma sucks. What. You dumped me he proclaimed. Hahahahaha. He cheated. Left us. Sold out home. I did divorce him. But oh no all he sees is I dumped him. And he gets to tell that to the world. Poor victim role. Geeze trust they suck!

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