Dear Chump Lady,
I’ve been doing good at no contact / grey rock for awhile now (8 months) and was getting to be a regular visitor to Meh.
But the cheaterpants was-band has a new Schmoopie and I got weak. I looked at his online profile and apparently he dropped the last one because — surprise, surprise! — his was not the only dick she was riding.
So now he’s posting all this crap about how “When love is real you would never cheat, if you truly love someone being faithful is easy, how you don’t have to have sex to be cheating” — and my personal favorite — how cheating is the most disgusting, hurtful and disrespectful thing you could ever do, yadda yadda yadda.
I am so PISSED OFF! I know I need to let it go — get back to zero contact — meaning no stalking online — and focus on meh, but I’m really struggling. Please kick my ass back onto the right path.
We’ll get to your ex-is-a-flaming-hypocrite in a moment, but first I’d like to express my deep Schadenfreude — HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHA! Poor sad sausage. The Twu Wuv wasn’t real? No!
Okay, I know that neither of these impulses is healthy — breaking no contact — or enjoying the contact high of schadenfreude — but don’t beat yourself up too badly (or expect me to). No contact is a discipline, which is generally achieved after a lot of failure. Relapse is normal. Dust yourself off and get back on the wagon.
As for schadenfreude — it’s not meh, the Nirvanic state of indifference to a cheater’s chaos — but enjoy a small bit of knowledge that things didn’t work out swimmingly for him. Yes, his keen sense of injustice is galling, but we’re dealing with a fuckwit here, Smart.
Let’s break down why you’re pissed off.
1. ) He doesn’t get to play the victim. For him to flagrantly display his hurt feelings (were there Pema Chodron memes?) means he’s claiming some moral high ground as One Who Has Been Horribly Done By. You know the truth — that he was quite okay to betray you to fuck strange. He’s not a star-crossed lover. The whole Heart Wants What The Heart Wants narrative is now shit, so he needs a new shiny bit of impression management. Cruelly Done By will do nicely.
You don’t control his bullshit. There are many things He’s Not. Victim is just one of many roles. Trust that he sucks.
2.) He threw everything away for THAT? Next enraging thing is that he threw everything away for something that didn’t work out anyway. You’re interpreting this as somehow devaluing YOU. Like, if it all worked out and it really was the Great Love of the Ages, there would’ve been some sense to breaking your heart.
No. He’s someone with lousy character who cheated on you. He would bring that crap set of life skills to ANY relationship. It’s not surprising that he chose poorly and that he got played.
3.) WHY CAN’T HE CONNECT THE DOTS? How can he not see what he’s suffering is exactly what he did to you? Why isn’t he doubled over with remorse? Because it’s ALL ABOUT HIM, Smart. Always was, always will be. The only pain that matters is HIS pain. Yours is an annoying buzz. Go away, there’s some shiny over there.
And trust me, you don’t want it to sorta kinda dawn on him, or he might circle back. All full of Lessons Learned and crocodile tears, telling you how this shitshow was really for a Greater Purpose — his own spiritual journey. Which made him now value you! (As Plan B).
Dear God, don’t let him realize what a powerful chump motivator “remorse” is.
Also realize he’s doing this chump decoy routine for his latest Schmoopie. He isn’t really calling out cheaters (he’s one) — he’s signaling to his next victim that he’s trustworthy because he Gets It. He Too Has a Wounded Heart.
More manipulation, more impression management.
Return to trusting that he sucks, and put down the pain. No peeking. No contact.
Not much of an ass kicking. Please accept this warm hug instead. (((((Smart))))